When One Partner Changes

How you can effectively support your partner during life transitions:

It’s important to remember that relationships are always changing. They are dynamic. Individuals continue to grow across the lifespan and partners must adapt to that growth. But when there is a major change in one partner’s life that might impact personal identity, self-esteem or finances, this is a time for the other partner to step up, and be more supportive than usual.

Romantic relationships are an exchange of care. That care can take many forms. It may be financial care. It may be sexual care. It may be emotional care. It may be domestic responsibility care. It may be intellectual stimulation care. It can certainly be instrumental care when one partner is ill or disabled. Whatever the exchange of care, it may not appear fair or balanced to those outside the relationship, but it works well for the secure couple because of the subjective value that one places on each kind of care. For example, one partner may cook because he loves it. The other partner may pay more of the household expenses because she feels it is her responsibility to her family. Another partner may extend sexual care even if they aren’t interested because they value investing in the relationship. Again, no one keeps score but both feel their needs are being met.

When a big life transition happens, the silent agreement about how care is exchanged within the couple, must be renegotiated. This time, verbally. The details about how much each couple invests in the relationship become explicit. Now is the real test of intimacy. Can couples talk about these prickly topics.

When one person is in a life transition, it only means that the relationship contract is being renegotiated.

If it involves a financial change:

I would hope that a couple has become proficient in talking about money from the beginning of their relationship. Ignoring this conversation, can cause a lot of risk and damage. Like any difficult conversation it’s always best to make a communication sandwich. Begin with a layer of love, then lay on a layer of something that’s a little hard to chew on and back it up with another layer of love. The conversation might sound something like: “One of the things I love about you is ______________. As you know there have been some changes in our life, and those change have impacted me financially. Can we make a plan together about how we’ll manage things? Because I value your opinion and input and don’t want to lose you over this. I love you.”