Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Cutbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mahller starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere, The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben
Mahler and Danny g Radio and a Happy Friday to you.
I realized I was away from my post. I was
away from my post last night, the final rare and
appropriate night off. As we have the NFL season starting
(00:51):
in a couple of weeks, so it's the month of August,
a time to enjoy some rest and relaxation. So on
this August fifteenth, this Friday, here we are celebrating the
National Day to chant at the Moon. Yes, one of
those dopey holidays we love so much. You can howl
(01:12):
at the moon if you want. It's an annual event
inspired by a town in Washington, a fruit grower. According
to local legend, harvesting cherries around the full moon makes
them sweeter. It sounds like something our friend Andrea would
be into. So grab your friends for a little late
(01:33):
night picnic under the stars. If you live in Washington State,
the town is Wenatchi, Washington, w e NA TCCHE and
the legend is harvesting this growers cherries around the full moon.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
They're sweeter.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
The gravitational pull enhances the tree roots where the cherries
are grown, and the rest is the stuff of legend.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
So on this podcast we'll leave that aside.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
We have family business and king Thing, King Thing.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
We'll begin with this.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
So it started, as these things often do, a random
text message months ago and a calendar conflict. We're coming
out your way, said my older brother, the one that
lives in New York. No negotiation, There's not a lot
of debate. We did give some dates, mentioned that it
(02:36):
would be really great to have you visit on nights
that I'm not doing the radio show, but it was
mostly just a cheerful declaration that my brother and his
wife and their two daughters would be descending upon our
home from two different states, mind you, and camping out
at the Malor Mansion the compound for not one, not two,
(02:59):
but three days, that's seventy two hours, three full days
at the Malor mansion. Now, my oldest niece, she lives
in South Carolina and actually graduated college the reason we
did the Mallard meet and greet in Charleston. So she
still lives in South Carolina and the rest of the
families in New York, and so they came down. Now,
I am not anti family. Do I need to say that?
(03:21):
Do I have to announce that I'm not anti family?
I am pro family now in theory, I do enjoy
the idea of family, and I don't get to see
them very much. I have brothers in every time zu on.
In fact, I was joking with my brother Joe. I said, listen,
if we had one more brother, we could have somebody
living in the Mountain time zone. We've got I'm in
the Pacific in La my.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Younger brother, I'm in the Middle.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
My younger brother's in the Midwestern time zone, Central time
zone he's in Wisconsin, and my older brothers in New
York the Eastern time zone. So we've got all the
time zones other than the Mountain time zone. And no,
I'm not Cony o'lasco in Hawaii. We've got those comforted anyway,
back to the story, so not anti if family and
all that again in theory, I like the concept of
(04:05):
spending time with the family.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Family is great, like a lot.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
Of things in measured doses, kind of like chyenne pepper.
You don't want to put too much cayenne pepper on
your chicken, or a blind Scott phone call, or a
conversation with hollering James or jedho Fled or Mike the Leprechaun.
But house guests now house guests kind of like as
(04:28):
the line goes of fish right, you start to smell
in this case after the second day. By the third
you're questioning your life choices. Now, keep in mind, I
love these people. These are my family.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I love them so naturally.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Though, we embarked on what I like to call the
Malard staycation and experience because I took three nights off
from the show last week and didn't go anywhere exotic,
nowhere new.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Now normally I don't like to take any time off.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
I just try to avoid that, and when I do
take time off, I actually want to go somewhere new,
experience something different, enlightened myself to a different part of
the world, and in this case it was a staycation,
a mallar staycation. It featured food, schmoozing, poor decisions masqueraded
as like wholesome outdoor activities.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
More on that in a minute. So we mapped it out.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
Now one night, the night number one, we had chicken schwarma,
delicious homemade chicken shwarma by yours truly, and we had
some rice the Uncle Benny version marinated for twenty four hours,
or some fried pita. But I made the chicken marinated
twenty four hours in a bath of lemon and spices,
(05:39):
cooked with love, a lot of garlic, and tossed this
thing on a spit and then the cutting process one
of my favorite parts. That I feel like I'm an
exotic chef at some fancy restaurants somewhere.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
So that was night one.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
Night two we ventured out, because even the best home
chef needs a break, So we went to where the
cheesecake factory. Now why did we go to the cheesecake factory?
That was not my choice. We went there because of nostalgia.
And somewhere on the other side across the Pearly Gates,
(06:15):
my dear old mom, dearly departed mother, had to have
a huge smile, knowing that her influence as the grandma
to my nieces and my mom's been gone for a
long time now, but still the memory of her is
alive and well. So my nieces requested to go to
this cheesecake factory because that was the cheesecake factory my mom,
(06:40):
their grandma, would take them to. Because my mom, much
like me, I'm a night person. My mom was a
night person, and so she'd eat late, and the only
restaurant that was open late would be off in the
cheesecake factory. So she'd take her grandkids out to the
cheesecake factory, and that's what they associate and so they
wanted to go there, and so it was great. Three
we had Benny's burgers, Yum yum to my Tom Tom
(07:05):
Bennie's burgers now smash burgers. I'm not talking about the
crappy kind. I'm talking about the good kind, the crusty edges,
the cheese that sticks to the grill, the buns that
never had a chance. We made twenty seven of them.
Twenty seven, not that I was counting, not that I
was twenty seven burgers, five pounds of meat. We had
hot dogs. Now that wasn't just for my brother's family.
(07:26):
My cousin and her husband and kids came over, so
we had we had a fair amount of people. But
in between meals there was some talking. They're not too
much talking on my end. I am an introvert. I
am an introvert. Now my niece is lovely young women.
It's wild to me that I'm so old. I've seen
(07:47):
these little kids grow up.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Now.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
I don't see them that often because they grew up
on the East Coast, but I saw them a couple
times a year. And now they're all growing up. And
we went from the stage where we would go to
the park and they would bury my ass and sand,
and now they're all growing up. They're smart, they're funny,
whip cracked, fast on the comebacks, all that good stuff.
So that my brother Joe, his wife, of course, was there,
a very nice woman, very mellow, calm, loving woman, which
(08:13):
is being mellow and all that requirement when you're married
to a guy who runs for fun. And my brother Joe,
Joe is Joe. Let me tell you about my brother,
my older brother, my big brother. So we were side
by side growing up. We were a few years aparties
a little older than I am, but we would play
(08:34):
the neighborhood whiffle ball a game out in front of
the house.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
We'd be fighting over the last pop part.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
He'd be a drinking tang because that's what the astronauts drank,
not realizing it's just orange sugar. And I would chase
my brother through the orange grows and injured myself jump
trying to jump over fences as a fat kid.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
And we grew up in the age where there.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Was no internet, and I grew up in an area
where ninety percent of the area I lived in was
actual farming land. It was orange groves and other kinds
of walnut groves and whatnot.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
So that was my childhood. However, at some point, at
some point, my older brother decided he wanted to be
a runner. He wanted to be a runner, not like run,
hey I got to catch the bus. No, no, no.
He became one of.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Those people in quotes who lace up the expensive shoes
and trot around Central Park like its normal behavior on
a random Wednesday. And to give you some back context,
my brother has run the New York City Marathon multiple times,
(09:48):
not watched it, not stood on the side and clapped
for the people running by no, no, no no, he ran
it on purpose, twenty six point two miles on purpose
for fun, not a half marathon, not thirteen point one miles,
twenty six point two.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Hell yeah, now me, I think you know this if
you listen to the show and you're obviously doing that
right now.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
My idea of fun, and if you've met me, you
know is sinking into a nice a nice sofa with
a mountain of pillows, a nice cold drink.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Back in the day, lemonade now ice water. In one hand, I.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Got the remote control. On the other, I'm flipping between
ball games. Maybe I have a bet on the game,
maybe I don't. And that's it, and I am running.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Is what I do.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
When I'm being chased by an apex predator, I will
try to run away from the apex predator. Or if
back in the day, I heard the music because there
was an ice cream truck and I wanted to get
a nice ice cream sandwich, I would run toward the
ice cream truck to try to get the driver's attention.
(11:00):
So when my brother suggested a little short hike before dinner,
a sunset hike, it's just a little sunset stroll. He
said that'd be a quick walk. It's like four minutes.
You sit up there and you watch the sunset. But
when we go to dinner, I should have known that.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Something was off.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
Sunset strolls, in my head, are supposed to be flat, concrete, nice,
gentle leisurely stroll Sash Shane your way, not a search
and rescue scenario. So we drove out to the base
of this. I say this in quotes Hill for our
blind listeners. Let me be clear here now this was
(11:44):
not a quote Hill. Let me paint a picture a
little bit better for you. It was a frickin' mountain.
It looked like something that goats would side eye before deciding,
you know, maybe not today, maybe tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
I feel like doing it today.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
You know, mountain goats are not human beings in a
mountain goes I think he knew that. They have special
bodies designed to walk on the mountain, special hooves. They
are built to grip those rocky ledges with the precision.
It's like a like a Swiss time piece with the precision.
(12:25):
And even those mountain goats, every once in a while
they make a wrong step and that's it.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Game over.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
You know what we had, We had sneakers tennis shoes
back in the day. They call them clod hoppers. Now,
my older brother out there bounding up the trail like
he's filming a Gatorade commercial or he's, you know, David
Goggins or something like that. Now, my wife, God bless her,
she was not interested. She was she was not interested.
(12:53):
She took a couple of steps and said.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
What are we doing. My older niece, the one who lives.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
In South Carolina, also, she was dressed up, she was
all look good. She didn't want to wander up the mountain,
so she wasn't doing it. Now, my other niece, she's
in still in college, and she gave it the old
college try.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
And my brother's wife also attempted.
Speaker 3 (13:11):
And what about me? Now, I made it up about
eighty five percent. I made it u about eighty five percent.
And then I hit that zone. I like to call
it the nope zone. You know that moment when your
legs turn into question marks and you start feeling it
in your calves a little bit, and your brain starts
(13:33):
running through different scenarios of how this is going to end,
and many of them involve you in the back of
an ambulance being taken to the hospital or being driven
to the emergency room in the family vehicle, some kind
of injury montage.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
So that was me.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Now coming down, I did make it eighty five percent
of the way up there, So coming down I looked
like a cartoon character trying to slow down on roller skates.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
That my arms are flailing.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
One wrong move, And if I was famous enough, I
would have started some kind of viral TMZ video titled
Uncle Benny wipes out on family hike.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Here's the video. Now, my brother, my older brother.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
Meanwhile, you know, he's running back and forth again like
he's on this trail, like he's a motivational speaker. I
mentioned David gogin Too Much Free Time, and he was
born to chase the horizon. I was older than me
right up the till now. I was born to find
the best seat on the couch. And I have a ability,
(14:36):
a god given ability, to find the perfect spot on
the sofa. And yet there is something about big brothers.
I don't know if you got a big brother or not.
Maybe you are a big brother, but you never really
stopped chasing her. I know that as the middle child
with a younger and older brother, even when you know better,
even when you know you should know better.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
You know, here I am.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
I'm a middle aged man, maybe older than that now
I don't know. And my brothers pull me up a
mountain that I have no business walking up.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
But I followed because you know, that's what you did.
That's that's how it works. That's always been the way
it is.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
He's always been a few steps ahead of me, and
you still want to see if you can catch him
and all that stuff. So, yeah, we didn't make it
to the top. I didn't make it at the top.
My brother did. But good memory, good memory. And the
good news is the story had a happy ending. No
one had to call nine to one one, which is
a win in my book. So it turns out, with
(15:35):
apologies to Fats in Philadelphia, the Brotherly Loved Thing not
only a Philadelphia story, all right. Meanwhile, now turning the
page on that, a king thing, he said, a king thing.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
It was hot. Let me set the scene.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
So I'm talking hot, like if you've ever been inside
a black car where there's there's a lot of sunlight,
no sunshield in late July or August, that kind of
hot yeah, hot enough to make one question life decisions
and for a second to wonder if maybe maybe we
(16:16):
should have gone into selling air conditioners rather than selling
sports takes for a living, just for a second, like,
let's give that a shot. And then out of nowhere,
phone buzzes and amazingly, this was not a spam text.
I always when I get a text, I'm like, oh,
(16:36):
that's probably spam. It was not my dentis reminding me
I'm overdue for a cleaning, or my I doctor telling
me that you have insurance benefits that you can use
to get new glasses. No, it's a name I have
not seen in years. King Felix pops up on my phone. Now,
if you're relatively new to the Overnight Show, you probably
(16:57):
don't know this is. It's not the picture for the Mariners,
although I bet that this Felix, the Great Felix Gonzales,
could throw a pretty mean batting practice fastball if he
had to. But this was the King Felix who was
my producer years ago at Fox Sports Radio and his
Fox Sports Radio run. He left to work at Radio Disney,
which went out of business, and now he's doing some
(17:18):
other stuff. But one of my favorite people to walk
the hollowed hallways in the building, and not just me.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
I've been there a long time. And in Fox Sports.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
Radio studios, Felix King, Felix likes Switzerland.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Everyone likes him. Everyone likes King Felix and the kind
of guy you could talk to him.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
We did have these conversations about the Dodger minor league system,
or the bullpen, or he'd ripped the manager. And we'd
also talk about where to get the best donuts in town,
and all those conversations equally entertained.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Just good. So get back to the story.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
So the text one line, one line text, Now how
many but how many words were in the text? They
say one, two, three, four, five six, I'm looking at
my phone one two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen thirteen words thirteen words. The text read, I'm gonna
read it to you right now off my phone. I'm
holding my iPhone right now. The text reads, want you
(18:17):
to know that I've come around to your way of thinking.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Period.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
That's it. That's the text. Not a lot of context here. No,
I'm looking here. It doesn't say how's the family? Miss you?
You know, been a long time. Are you still alive?
None of that, just a cryptic little note. And then
there was a screenshot of a roster move in baseball.
Now I went back and I look. The last time
(18:46):
that we had text each other Felix was twenty twenty three.
I used to invite Felix to my holiday parties every year,
and he never went. So I stopped inviting him because
if you don't go for a couple of years, I
get the message it's not that important to you. So
I stopped invite people. But I love Felix. I wish you,
you know, we could hang out. But you know, he's
married now, he's got kids and all that stuff. He's
a family guy, and he's got no time to do
(19:08):
that stuff. So anyway, there's a there's a certain thrill.
And I don't know if you're like me, maybe you're not.
Maybe you're not like me, But to me, there's a
certain thrill getting a message like that. And it's like,
you know, in theory, if somebody from high school suddenly
venmoed you five bucks out of the left field with
the note.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Hey, you were right. You know that's it.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Now you don't really know what they're talking about but
you're you're thinking, yeah, that's right. I am right, of course,
I'm right. My take, that's take validation. What do I
love take validation? I love take validation. So here's the backstory.
When I was a kid, as you may or may
not know again depending on how much you consume The
Overnight Show and this podcast, which makes you a true
(19:50):
p one.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Growing up, I loved prospects. I love them. I worshiped that.
I did.
Speaker 3 (19:56):
I worship that. I worship prospects.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
I've changed.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
There was a time in my life that the NFL
Draft was one of my favorite weekends of the year.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
The NBA Draft I could not wait for.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
I loved the lottery and then the draft. I looked
forward to getting Baseball America's top one hundred minor league players.
I was the guy who had to search for that.
Back in those days, you got the Red Book and
the Green Book from Sporting News, and you had to
scramble to find out who these minor league players were.
(20:33):
They were not publicized like they are today. Back on
my day, I memorized that I knew At one point
in my life, I knew the Dodger double a backup
catcher in San Antonio. I knew the mop up relief
pitcher in Albuquerque.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Just in case, and I wasn't working in the media.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
I could tell you the vertical leap on that guard
from Fresno State who might go fifty eighth. Overall, the
Clippers had the fifty eighth pick in the draft, and
they were thinking about drafting this guy, and so I
knew about him.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
I knew he couldn't really shoot.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
The ball, but he's really quick and he could dunk.
The jump shot was not there. They thought they could
develop him into a shooter. Now, in that chapter of
my life, I was mainlining hope. I was Benny Brightside
in the purest form.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Let me tell you something. Here's what happens, though.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
When you've seen how they make the hot dogs, when
you've been in sports media for as long as I've
done it, you start seeing.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Reality.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
You see the angles, you start to understand the hustle.
If you will, you realize that the word prospect is
a weasel word. It is just another way to say
we can sell you tomorrow because today isn't really working.
(21:56):
We suck, but stay with us tomorrow, better days ahead,
Better days ahead, Tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, and slick
teams market these kids, these minor league players, or the
NFL draft picks, NBA draft picks like time shares. The
(22:18):
analogy I will use. It's like a time share. I
got dragged to a timeshare once in Vegas because I
want We wanted to get like free tickets to a show,
and they dragged us to a timeshare. We were health captive,
against our will. They took our driver's license.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
It was a nightmare. And so like time shares, they'll
sell you.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
It's like, oh yeah, this place, it's not ready yet,
it's in construction, it's in development, but you wait until
you see the view. We need your money now, prompt
just trust me, bro, Trust me Bro. That open which
brings us back to Felix. So Felix, the lovable Felix,
the cat, big Dodger guy, loves minor league players, developmental players,
(22:59):
and we would spar as I remember, as I remember,
we would spar where I wanted to trade every one
of these.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Dodger minor league players. I didn't care.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
I want the big league team to be good. Felix
believed every one of these minor league players was going
to live up to the scouting report and be amazing
and great and all this stuff. And listen, he knows
the pharmacist, all right, this man Felix knows the farm
system better than most family farms. He sends me this
(23:29):
link to It was like a screenshot from a story
a few weeks back about this kid named Diego Kartaya.
I believe this is how you pronounced his name. He's
a Venezuelan catcher. He was the former number one prospect
for the Doyers and at the time, a couple of
years back, untouchable capital U untouchable. So a few years
(23:50):
back to Dodgers would not even consider trading him for
a major.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
League All Star.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Now now he this season batting he had I've been
let go a couple of years ago.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
I guess last year. I think it was to the Twins.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
It was, it was somewhat recently, so he's win the
Twins organization. He hit eighty five in the minors for
the Minnesota Twins organization and was unceremoniously fired, dumped, designated
for assignment. And here's the lesson the thing that Felix
was tipping the cap to in that particular text, which
was take validation. It was old school take validation, which
(24:26):
I will take. Take validation anytime anywhere. I love take validation.
So a prospect is a suspect until that's right proven otherwise.
A prospect is a suspect until provene otherwise.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
That's it. That's the lesson. That's the entire sermon.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
Now I do these monologues, and I got to do
fifteen or twenty minutes, so I got to do more
than A prospect is a suspect until proven otherwise. But
that's my position. You can frame it in a gold leaf.
The truth does not change. And when you get to
the e age of reason and you realize what has
been going on, you look at sports in a much
(25:05):
different lens. Baseball, basketball, and football, it is all the same.
Prospects are a renewable resource. Say it with me, They
are a renewable resource. There's always another can't miss kid
right around the corner, right coming around the mountain. When
they come coming around the mountain, when they come the
moment you fall in love with one of these minor
(25:28):
league players, the organizations already making eye contact, playing foot
seat with a sixteen year old shortstop in the Dominican
summer league.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
They move on, they do.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
And it's like a farmer falling in love with the
crop and be like, I don't want to sell the corn.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
I love this corn.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
It's so well. No, there'll be another thing a corn
a few months down the line. And so my man Felix,
here we are years later.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
He saw the.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
Light, my light, Benny, the Buddha's light. And I have
to admit to you, it did feel good. It's like
being told you were right about a restaurant you recommended
five years ago, and then you text a buddy of
yours that lives in a different town and they finally
tried it and now they can't stop going and everyone
loves it.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
It's it's amazing, and now that has happened.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
That has happened, and it's nice when the universe, the
cosmic powers of the universe send you a little bit
of validation, a little hot take validation, even if it's
wrapped in a random cryptic text from someone that you
worked with in radio years earlier, and it's you know,
it's a hot day, and you know, like you thought
(26:45):
it was spam and all that stuff.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Even with all of that, even with all of that,
it is it's still pretty cool.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
So it was great to hear from Felix and the
flaying to Also, I text him back and I sent
him like this three part text and I covered all
my thoughts that I've covered here in the in the
fifth Hour podcast, and you know, I said, great to
hear you, Great to hear from you. And then I
made a joke about him getting old, realizing what a
(27:14):
hustle this is, and I gave him my whole line
and I sent him that on Monday, and we are
on Friday and I'm looking at my phone. He did
not write back, so I couldn't even get him to
write back on that. But anyway, there it is all right.
We'll put the baby to bed. Danny g should be
joining me for this Saturday podcast. I've got a few
(27:38):
other things from the Mallard staycation that I can share
with the class. Also, there's a story I want to
get to at some point this weekend about a new
experience that let's just say it was a wild, eye
opening experience to the power of the United States military
(27:58):
industrial complex.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
It was impressive.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, we'll get to that story at some point, probably tomorrow,
probably tomorrow on Saturday, Anyway, I have a wonderful rest
of your Friday, and we will yap at you tomorrow.
Tomorrow tomorrow aasta pasta rivadece. Aloha means goodbye. I think
(28:25):
I got them all in, Danny, did I miss any Yes, really.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Got a murder. I gotta go.