The Fifth Hour - Poop Festival - The Ben Maller Show

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
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(00:43):
crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow. The Clearinghouse of hot
takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
Ben Maller starts right now. Nine that it does, and
we are in the air rewhere. Do not be hoodwinked,
do not be bamboozled or hornswoggled. This is the real

(01:05):
McCoy here for your weekend listening pleasure. Plausibly, it's about sports,
but let's be honest here, the fifth hour has morphed
into something else. I don't know if that's good or not,
but it is loosely related to the sporting world. And really,
what I've determined here is that we only talk about
sports when there's nothing else to talk about. We then

(01:25):
begin with sports. And one of the reasons for that
I will explain here in a second. But we are
available here in the air everywhere, the vast power of
Ihearts podcast Network available as you know because you're listening
right now. Wherever you get your podcast, will tell a friend,
tell a friend, tell a friend, subscribe to the podcast.
One minute. That's all we ask. You can be the

(01:47):
one minute man. You'll be a hero. You know in
other walks of life. If you're the one minute man,
you're not a hero. In this you're a hero because
all we need is one minute. That's it. One good minute.
And I know this is mind boggling, but one good
minute and get credit and that's all we need. So
that's it. We just need a minute of your time.
Download the podcast, subscribe to the podcast, and we'll keep

(02:08):
doing the podcast. Maybe we'll even get paid for it
at some point. Now I do this with someone who
is public Enemy number one, a heathen. He's like a pariah.
He might as well play for the Astros. David Gascon,
who is here. He got his car toad. We'll talk
more about that later. Hello Gascon? What's up man? I'm

(02:29):
you know. We do talk a healthy amount of sports.
We try to intertwine it though, because unlike your show,
which is strictly sticking to sports, otherwise guys get triggered.
We try to go off the beaten path a little bit.
We have a little spice and variety and some humor
and some stories behind everything we do here. So you
know it's a mix and match. But you got it
all week long anyway, right, So yeah, Well I do

(02:50):
save some stuff, Like I mean, there's some of the
personal stuff. I feel like this is for the hardcore
hard oh group, you know what I mean? Like this
is like a special group here that listen to this.
These are like the top one percent of the Mallard
militia that download the Fifth Hour. Because it's not the
radio podcast goes to everybody. This podcast is you gotta
like search around for it a little bit. Yeah, but

(03:11):
we've search around. We have it housed on your site
for Fox Sports Radios, so it is it is right
there embedded with everything else throughout the week. So it
just caps off the week. It's a cherry on top
for the for the people that like a little color
in their life. Yeah. Anyway, so as far as what's
coming up on this podcast, we have the gall bladder

(03:33):
punching back, Costco dust Up, the King of All Douchebags
grab Bag, and we also have study this and I
assume we'll also do you know, don't stick to sports
time permitting. Of course, we got some really good studies
this week. I feel now it's just gonna be one
podcast or two podcasts this week. What are we looking at?
We'll do one. I mean, he really pushed it last week.

(03:57):
I felt like, I feel like it needed a eel
and maybe some water and a towel after having to
do all that hard labor last week. For you, it
wasn't a hundred a lot of hard laboring to sit
on your ass so you can get hemorrhoids from talking.
I mean, you didn't even talk that much. I'm the
one that talked I have to carry the water up
the hills. But I'm doing I get the water type
people talk during your shows or during your podcast your

(04:17):
bitch and moan about it like this is mine, my
name's on it. I'm the headliner here, I'm the showcase
right out of press release for me and have only
my name attached to it. That's Ben Mallory. Well, you
gotta know that you're the omega. I'm the alpha, Okay,
that's in this relationship. I'm the alpha dog, all right,
and I am marking my territory, urinating all over the

(04:38):
podcast is what I'm doing. You're more like the Queen
and I'm like Commander Bond. I just you know I'm here,
God save the Queen, and here I am for you. Yeah,
you know the term there's a thing called the centaur,
which combines a man and a horse. But what happens
when you combine a man and a donkey? What do
you call that? Because that would be you. I don't know,
that would be with you. I am the Citadel for
your little your little Kate crusade about this journey. If

(05:00):
you're about as good as the Citadel basketball team, football team,
what's the football team or the football team either way exactly.
All right, let's let's get into it. As my man
Marcel would say, this wonderful, glorious weekend, as we have
the last full weekend of February, right, this is it.

(05:21):
And then next weekend we got that that fugazy twenty
ninth day, and then we go into March after that.
All right, so the gall bladder punches back. Now, this
is a story I was debating whether or not to tell.
I did not tell it on the radio. It is
tremendously humiliating. It is tremendously unbelievably ridiculous what has happened
to me? But I figured since this is only for
the one percent that listen to the Fifth Hour podcast,

(05:44):
I thought that this would be perfect. So a little
little backstory for you. Prologue, I believe, is that what
I call it? Yes, So last November I started feeling
under the weather and I thought I was having a
little case of heartburn hartburn. So I thought I had

(06:06):
some heartburn. And you know, I'm a bit of a workhorse.
I don't like to take time off. I don't know,
I say, I just power through. I learned to have
a little bit of grit. You have a little grit
in life, And so I tried to power through. I
ended up in the hospital and they shot me up
with morphine and they realized right away that I was
having a gall stone attack. And so on November third

(06:28):
of twenty nineteen, I had my gallbladder chopped out of me.
I had some emergency surgery. I was in the hospital
for like a week because my gallbladder was really bad.
And the thing is, like, since this has happened, here
we are in late February, it really has not affected
my life other than I have some gnarly scars. I mean,

(06:50):
if you're looking at me with my shirt off, that's
bad anyway. But it looks even worse now because I
got some scars on my chest where they chopped me open.
And but it changed this week, all right, So on Wednesday,
why was Wednesday different than all of the night staw
on Wednesday's show? I ended up. I fast during the week.
I usually eat like one meal on Sunday afternoon. I

(07:11):
try to eat Sunday afternoon. I don't eat Sunday night,
don't eat Monday at all, don't eat Tuesday until like
Tuesday night, typically, but sometimes I'll skip to Wednesday. But anyway,
so this week I skipped a couple of days on
Wednesday's show, So Tuesday into Wednesday, which is Wednesday's show,
I end up breaking my fast, and I broke it
a little later than normal. My wife very kindly cooked

(07:35):
up a delicious meal of grilled chicken and it was
kind of an Asian dish with some rice noodles, and
that was wonderful, very delicious, yummyat to my tummy. But
what I've learned is with the gallbladder here, when you
fast and then you you know, you go a couple
of days without eating, and then you eat, you generally

(07:56):
have to go to the bathroom within thirty or ninety minutes,
and there's no controlling it. It's life without a gallbladder.
So if you have your gallbladder, be appreciative. So here
here's the point of the story. So I knew, I
knew at some point I was going to have to
spend some time on the throne. I knew that, and
I'd eaten a little later than I wanted to. But

(08:18):
here's the problem. That part didn't really that part hasn't
really impacted my life. So but I had to leave
to go to work. I got a long drive to
go into the Geico Fox Sports Radio studios, So I
make to drive, no problem. I go to work and
I'm like, oh wait, maybe I don't have to go
to the bathroom now. Maybe everything's good. Maybe I'm all right,
Maybe this is a I've moved past this and I'm fine.

(08:40):
So I'm in my little booth there getting ready for
the show, doing some copious research for the show that night,
and about thirty minutes before we're scheduled to go on
the air, I get that feeling. We've all had that feeling.
It's called the runs. All right, now, I am immediately stop.

(09:01):
I drop what I'm doing. I then made an executive
decision which I would end up regretting get backfired, that
I was going to use. I was not going to
use the bathroom downstairs, because we've got a bunch of
animals that work in our building and I would rather
I would rather use a public bathroom outside a whorehouse

(09:21):
than the bathroom that we use on a regular basis,
because people are disgusting and you know, as Dion Sanders
ranted this week, guy's aim all over the place, so
what I did, Guess Hunt, I said, you know what
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go to the corporate offices
of the Premier Networks. I Am going to go into
the main building. I'm gonna take the elevator out because

(09:42):
I know the time they clean the bathrooms by the
time I get there. The cleaning crew in the building,
the main We don't have a cleaning crew in our building,
but in their building, they clean everything in that place,
that part of the building by the time I get there.
So I'm like, I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna
have a clean bathroom, every it will be great. And
this is where all the executives who pay Sean Hannity,

(10:04):
Rush Limbaugh, Steve Harvey, Ryan Seacrest, all these big stars
at Premiere. The corporate headquarters, the Global Center is right here.
But at night it's empty and I have access to it,
and it's got a really cool bathroom. So I'm like,
all right, I'm gonna do this. So I'm walking through
the courtyard now. I happen to walk out with wreck
at Ralph, which was a problem because he delayed me

(10:28):
because he told me another story about Hacksau. So he's
delaying me, which totally screwed the whole thing up. But
I made it in the building. I waved at the guard.
I kept moving because I knew I had the runs.
Gott a hurry up, I gotta hustle. I go to
the secure elevator elevator there in the building. I use
my card key to get up to the floor I

(10:48):
need to get to. I walk out of the elevator.
I am then making a right hand turn. I've made
that turn. I make another right hand turn. Now right here,
this is the moment where I see pay dirt. Right
there's this long hallway. It's really long. I think about
a big corporate office. Is long hallway, and on the

(11:08):
left hand side is the men's room. I've got nothing
at this point but open field. I'm the running back
at about the twenty yard line, and no one's in
front of me, no one. There's only people behind me.
There's no one in front of me. I'm gonna make
it right wrong, guest gone, poopity poop. I got the

(11:29):
shits as I turned that corner. I pooped my pants.
And this was a total fucking nightmare. So at this
point I've got about twenty two minutes, twenty five twenty
two minutes or something like that that we go on
the air. Now, this is a job that you can't

(11:50):
be wait for. You know, if you have certain jobs
you can call up and say, hey, i'll be a
few minutes later or whatever. They don't really care. Yeah,
you gotta be on time. The show starts. When the
show starts. So I scramble. I'm in scrambled. I put
my game face on right now. I tried to contain
what I call the Exxon Valdis as an outdated reference. Yeah,
but I try to contain the spill, and I did.
It was it was an underwear situation that took the

(12:13):
brunt of the damage. All right. So what I did then,
you know, I'm I'm like, oh man, I got it.
What am I gonna do here? So I took him off.
I'm in the bathroom here. I took care of business.
I then did what's the term for cleaning up in
the bathroom? You know, I forget the term you take

(12:34):
a shower in the sink kind of thing. I heard
not as a slang term, but maybe somebody can send
it to me. I don't remember, but I'll probably say
the wrong thing, it'll be be in trouble or whatever.
But but anyway, so I washed up as much as
I could. Uh and uh, and then I carried the
soiled underwear out. Why why didn't you carry it out? Well?

(12:58):
Because I mean I could wash. H. I got a
bunch of questions, so keep going, all right, So I
walk out. So at this point, I'm I'm going, I'm rambo,
I'm commando. That's what I am doing, commando style. So
I cleaned up again. I cleaned up everything pretty much
I could, I thought, because you know, corporate people, I
could just imagine the president of the premier networks coming
in and seeing shit all over the bathroom and then

(13:20):
you know, you know, goodbye. I'm done. So I cleaned
up everything. And I did all this in twenty twenty
two minutes, twenty one minutes or so, and then I
walked out. I went to the car. I had a
little thing of cologne, and I figured I probably smelled
like shit because I shipped my pants. So I spread
cologne all over the place, and and then I walked

(13:43):
into the building. Now here's the question. I did the show.
I didn't say anything. Now here's the question. It's multiple choice.
Who on the staff figured out that I had a problem.
Was it a Roberto, b Eddie, C, Cooper, Loop or
D none of the above? All right, So process of elimination.
I'd had to say, you can eliminate Eddie for two reasons.

(14:07):
One is he's in a studio that you guys can't
see each other, and two he doesn't engaged with you
at all. That's right. Coop is oftentimes aloof during your show. Man,
Roberto's there, but I don't know if come on, guest guy,

(14:29):
I'm gonna say d none of the above. You think
that nobody on my staff, these hard working people that
are extremely important to the show, that nobody noticed that
the host of the show shipped his paints twenty minutes
before the show. Yeah, I'm gonna say no. Wait, well
no he had nobody? All right, the correct answer Reveal answers.
Reveal answers. You are correct. Not a single person noticed

(14:53):
that I had a very unfortunate situation that hadn't happened
to me since I was a child, take place a
few minutes before the show. I was getting a little
worried because the crew has a reputation. I didn't want
to soil it. You know what I'm pro riding me about.
I must have smelled there used to be a young
lady that worked at our building. She didn't work at Fox,

(15:14):
but she worked across the hall. I don't know if
I've told this story before. Um, but somebody one of
the I think it was Jerry, my producer at the time.
I said, you know, I think she's, um, she's like
a stripper. And I said, what are you talking about.
She's you know, she's a good looking girl. Whatever. I don't.
I mean, why would you call her a stripper? That's
I mean, that's she's just a regular girl with her no,

(15:36):
I said, he said, Smeller, she's got the perfume of
a stripper. Oh and uh and sure enough, like when
she was in the building, she left a certain smell in.
I mean it was it was a nice smell, but
it was over the top perfume. Yeah, and sure enough
when she was there, Jerry, I guess she had done

(15:58):
some adult stuff at Actually not either. That's like like
next level. What's her Natcherry found some of the photos
on the internet. What's her name? And it's pretty wild?
What's that? What's her name? Oh? I don't even remember
her name. I mean, I don't know what she's doing now.
She maybe she's doing that full time. I don't know.
But it was really funny because I'm guessing I smelled
like that where you because I put so much a
cologne or whatever I had on. Yeah, I was like

(16:20):
I was trying to counter the smell that I thought
I had. But then I'm like, well, I'm sitting in
a room by myself. These guys don't really talk to me,
so I'm I think I'm pretty good. Yeah, It's like,
it's not like I have to go out and speak
in a public square in front of it, even though
I am in the public square, but I'm like hidden
in the public square. Yeah. No, So you're referencing a bidet, correct,

(16:43):
wouldn't Noah, bday, that's that's when the thing with the
water that cleans up everything. Yeah right, No, no, no,
I'm telling there's a term when you're in the bathroom
and you shower, but you only use the sink to shower. Okay,
I don't know, all right, So can I ask my questions? Al?
Are you done with the story? Are you gonna in
tear gave me? Are you can get a little bit
the third degree a little bit. Yeah, but these aren't

(17:03):
gonna be scripted. Um. First off, First off, what were you?
What were you wearing? What was your tire for the night?
All right? So I had a guy a long sleeve sweatshirt,
kind of like the thing the baseball players were under
their jersey. And then I had sweatpants on. I had
shoes on. Oh, okay, what color were the sweatpants? Fortunately,
they were black. Okay, that's good. And in your shoes,

(17:24):
what color were those? They were also black? Black? Good
tennis shoes on it. That's good because sometimes you wear
sandals and you were not usual I usually wear shoes,
though I usually wear sh I know. Um, was there
any kind of markings on the floor on the runway
towards the bathroom? No, But in the bathroom when I

(17:46):
pulled everything off, there was some stainage. All right? What
did you do with the underwear once you were done
with it? All right? So I tried to wash off
the stank as much as I could, but that was
kind of disgusting. And then I just I kind of
made it into a ball. The part that wasn't soiled,

(18:11):
I wrapped around the part that was so I could
hold it and I and I then made the walk
of shame and carried it down. Where'd you carry it too? Though?
Did you put it into the studio? Did you put
it in your car? No? No, I put in the
back of my car. I put in the back of
my car, which is uh, and I was like, well,
it's gonna smell, but it was cold. It was kind
of cool that night, So yeah, you know you didn't

(18:33):
put in the trunk. No, I did I put in
the trunk? Yeah, the back of the car trunk. How
was your opening monologue after that? You know, nobody didn't
seemed to notice any different. I was just screaming like
a lunatic about the Astros, and so that's pretty much
what I've on, the only thing I've been doing that's
become the centerpiece of the show, and so I don't

(18:53):
think anybody really noticed any difference. I pulled it off.
I'm like the Astros. They pulled off the perfect crime.
I pulled off the perfect shit your pants before twenty
minutes before a network radio show. Did you know full disclosure?
Did you know that there was a floor below the
one that you went on that is also operated by
Premiere that you can access. No, I think I was

(19:15):
on the right. Well, so you're saying, like the third
is it? Is that what you're saying? Yes, I didn't. No,
I never go there. I'm usually the fourth floor guy. Okay,
I'm usually a fourth floor guy. Because I wasn't going
to go to the fifth because I know there's people
they're doing shows. Yeah, so I don't. I wouldn't do
the fifth. I thought the fourth was good. I've done

(19:36):
that before. That's corporate offices mostly, and they're all gone
at five o'clock. So I knew they had been gone
for many hours. And I know they cleaned those bathrooms.
They scrubbed those scrub a dub dub. They scrub those
so good, because they do not they do. I want
those corporate people upset it. All right, So here's the other.
But here's the last question. Time. All right, the final question.

(19:58):
When you got to the fourth floor, did you go
through the glass doors? No? No, I knew where the bathroom.
I had planned this out, you know. I learned when
I was younger, reading Sun Zoo's book The Art of Ward,
that you've got to have a plan. Yes, And so
I realized guest Gun, I knew where the bathroom was.
I mapped the whole thing out of my head. I
had a whole plan. Ralph effed me up a little bit,

(20:21):
wreck at Ralph by talking to me, but I don't
think that would have mattered anyway. I believe that I
was just because of the gall bladder. This was gonna,
This was inevitable. It was a bad job. I mean,
I should have just used the public bathroom downstairs, but
I tried to go with hygiene and I got burned. Man,
no good deed goes unpunished, as they say. And this

(20:41):
is amazing because just a week prior to this, we
actually talked about someone I think asked us a question
about that when we talked about have you ever literally
shoot your pants? Yeah? And yeah, thanks to yet again,
guess Gun, yet again. Remember you you famously said, hey,
have you ever heard of the emergency surgery? Yeah? And uh.
And then like a week later, I'm in the operating

(21:04):
room that you're a schmuck. You are you know what
you are? You're a plague? Gives what you are? This
is unbelievable. Yeah, all right, anyway, that's my that's my
gall bladder. Punching back story. So I guess does that
make me more relatable or are people gonna hate me
more now or like, I'm not sure how it works.
I don't think it's relatable because you don't get too
many people that have had their gallbladders removed. And outside

(21:29):
of guys, guys have accidents. Though my wife was I
told my wife, she's like, well, she she said, she
hears it like places like Home Depot and Lows. A
lot of those construction guys will go in there to
take a dump because they don't have bathrooms they can use, yeah,
and they'll ship their pants. Sometimes they'll just leave the
underwear in the in the bathroom at Home Depot and Lows.
That's soiled underwear. Oh man, that's that's tragic. Yeah, any

(21:54):
I move past it. I'm I'm all right, and I've
learned my lesson. So from now on, I know I
have between thirty and ninety minutes when I fast, I
go two day fast. I usually eat once a day,
but if I do it two day fast, I know
I have to at thirty to ninety and if I
don't go to the bathroom, this is going to happen again.
So I need to play out better. And I really

(22:14):
have to cut off when I eat by a certain
time otherwise this is this oil is going to become
flowing out. Now do you think if you would have
had anything that was solid, this would have saved you,
Like if you had anything I don't want to say
high in fiber, because I would have made your go anyway,
but anything with I mean, I don't know bread or rice. No,
I no I had. I had a little rice, but no,

(22:35):
it's just and I'm not a doctor. I can play
one on the radio. I play a lawyer on the radio.
But there's something related to the gall bladder and fasting
where it's unavoidable. It doesn't matter what I eat, Like
I've eaten fried I used to think it was just
because of fried food. Yeah, but this this was not

(22:56):
This was grilled chicken and some some rice cooked and
rice would was cooking the pont man. You are saved
by the fact that you work an overnight shift and
there was nobody in the building. Oh yeah, I mean clearly.
And if I had, I mean, it would have been
a nightmare if I during the day with all those
people wandering around wearing nice clothes and all that and
if I had an important meeting to go. Imagine if

(23:17):
I had to go to some meeting. Oh yeah, just
imagine if you actually took the time to show up
early to work and prep and get here at a
responsible time, none of the stuff would have happened. Well,
I was there a responsible of course. I have you
know the I have the home set up. I know
you're not at that level. Guest. No, I'm not prep
and not relatable. I have internet access, and I know

(23:40):
you're kind of generic and all that. You do a
little cookie cutter prep, but I I have I spent
a lot of time. I'm type A when it comes
to show prep. I kind of feel bad for you.
And in some ways, No, you don't, I don't they
do this is I think you're enjoying my misery. You're
doing some schadenfreud. No, I don't do it like that.
I mean, that's time and place for everything, but it is.

(24:03):
It is reliable for a lot of people that that
listen to your show, especially because we get a lot
of people around the country that drive a ton and
there's not a lot of drop offs. There's not a
lot of get off the runway or the off ramp
and go, and that's just nature of the beast. But
a pro tip, find your nearest, nicest hotel and you're safe.

(24:25):
As soon as you walk into the hotel, make sure
you're on your cell phone or pretendially you're talking on
your cell phone, and head straight to delivery and then
you're good. Yeah, that's good. You know what I did
One time I had a situation where I was I
met a friend, my gambling buddy Hunter. I met him
for lunch and I knew that this was going to happen.
So what I did was I walked around targ. I

(24:47):
walked around Target, and I used the facility at Target.
At Target, yeah, I wanted at Costco, but I Costco
was too far away. I like Costco because they have
three rolls of toilet paper and each ship each to
all there at cast Speaking of Costpo, have we just
done twenty five minutes almost on me shitting my pain?
We've done We've done Defication podcast, so we went. We

(25:11):
went for the month of January, we went all death
Talk and now in February we've done all Defication. So
we're trending thing and when can we get like the
people at Porta potty to smile this or the squatty
potty people to sponsor this. You know what your birthday
is coming up, Maybe we should get you some diapers.
Well I'm heading that direction here. You know what they

(25:31):
call that, the Civil War? This is this is a
random thing. This might head so so fucked up. So
I remember watching the documentary about the Civil War. Yeah,
you know what they call what I happened to me
in the Civil War. They called it the Tennessee Trots
is what they called it. It's another way of saying dysenterry,
but it's the ten I had the Tennessee Trots, That's

(25:52):
what I had. I was. I jumped on the poop train, Drew.
This is great. This is probably a little bit of
karma since you were taunting and flaunting your your Taco
night and Taco Day with Bob Fesco over in Kansas City. Yeah,
the great Bob Fesco, respected member of the radio fraternity,
the Brotherhood of Sports gas Bags, right number one morning
show in Kansas City, and we're hanging out, we're schmoozing

(26:14):
at El Coyote on Beverly in LA. And drove him
over to the Getty after that the Getty Center, dropped
him off, gave him a ride over there. It was
a wonderful a wonderful time to talk to a professional,
respected broadcast and it was just absolutely got a little
shit on your nose now and not on your ass anymore. Wow.
Fox Sports Radio has the best sports talk lineup in

(26:35):
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(26:56):
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Find a forest near you and start exploring at Discover
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States Forest Service and the ad Council. And we're live
here outside the Perez family home, just waiting for the

(27:19):
and there they go, almost on time. This morning. Mom
is coming out the front door, strong with a double
arm kid carry. Looks like Dad has the bags daughter
is bringing up the rear. Oh, but the diaper bag
wasn't closed. Diapers and toys are everywhere. Ooh, but mom
has just nailed the perfect car seat buckle for the toddler.

(27:40):
And now the eldest daughter, who looks to be about
nine or ten, has secured herself in the booster seat.
Dad zips the bag clothes and they're off. Ah, but
looks like mom doesn't realize her coffee cup is still
on the roof of the car and there it goes. Oh,
that's a shame. That mug was a fan favorite. Don't
sweat small stuff, just nailed the big stuff, like making

(28:02):
sure your kids are buckle correctly in the right seat
for their agent's eye. Learn more at NHTSA dot gov
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Right Seat brought to you by NITZA and the ad Council.
Adoption of teams from foster care is a topic not
enough people know about, and we're here to change that.
I'm April Denuity, host of the new podcast Navigating Adoption,

(28:23):
presented by adopt us Kids. Each episode brings you compelling,
real life adoption stories told by the families that lived
them with commentary from experts. Visit adopt us Kids dot org,
slash podcast, or subscribe to Navigating Adoption, presented by adopt
us Kids, brought to you by the US Department of Health,
the Human Service as Administration for Children and Families, and
the ad Council. All right, so the Costco dustup dummy,

(28:47):
the Costco dust up dummy. So last weekend, But my
life is turning into a sitcom. So last weekend, I
made my traditional sample run at Costco, but I decide
I did change it up gas gun, and I went
to a different foreign location than I normally do. Okay,
And this was in several cities over from where I

(29:09):
usually there's two costcos I rotate in my area. I'm
like in between two costcos. This was a totally different
It's like, this is about thirty minutes away. I just
happened to go there. I do some business in that area.
So I thirty minutes away. I figured I would give
the local sample workers that tanned out the food the
week off, and so I ended up getting into a

(29:31):
verbal rhubarb with someone at Costco. All right, this again,
this is not my Costco. This is just some other
Costco and I ended up getting into a bit of
a dust up. Now you want to take a gas here?
Was this is multiple choice? Was it a a customer
at Costco, be a Costco employee that wanted to see

(29:51):
my Costco card and stop me at the door, or
see none of the above. Well, it's got to be
some buddy, so I'll go with b all right, that
is correct. I got into a disagreement with the people
handing out the samples, one person in particular, guy or
girl woman. All right, So they had this little popcorn

(30:16):
thing with like sugar on top or whatever. They little
pop big bags of popcorn they were trying to sell. Yeah,
but they had samples, and I figured it was whatever.
But it was free yeah, And I learned when I
was a kid, if it's freeze for me. So I
had my rotation going. I had that. They had a
chicken dumpling thing going, They had chicken nuggets. They had
several stands that were okay, I mean i'd give I'd

(30:39):
grade the samples like I can give them a C
all right. So anyway, I'm doing my rotation and this
old woman and this grandmas, you know, she's handing out
the samples, which fine, I'm no problem with older women
or whatever. That's fine. So she starts giving me this
sales wrap rale, I'm grabbing the sample. I ignored her.
So the next time I come around, she's a little
more aggressive. She says, you really like that popcorn a lot,

(31:02):
don't you? Right now, I'm not interested in play by
play when I'm I'm a whore at you know, samples.
You know what I'm saying. I don't want to hear
the play by play when I'm eating. I want to
enjoy it. I don't need your commentary. Yeah, I'm gonna
hit the mute button. But I didn't say anything right,
just kind of whatever. So the next time I come around,
she again, this older woman says, you like that popcorn

(31:25):
a lot? Then? This is what set me off. This
was what said off the neutron bomb. She then adds
an addendum. This woman says, why don't you buy a bag? Now?
What do you think? My rebuttal was nobody fucking asked no.
My response was, why don't you buy me a bag? Nice?
All right? Now? This woman's then she's flummax. This woman's

(31:48):
flummis right, she's taking it back, She's like, I can't
believe this guy said this to me. What was the
level of audio that you said this at. Oh, it
was pretty loud because I was irritated. I was bothered,
and I kept my mouth shut the first couple of
times she annoyed me, but at this point it was
such a headache. I was like, well, screw it, I'm
going it's not my normal Costco So anyway, so I say,
I say that line, why don't you buy me a bag?

(32:10):
She then is like she's knocked back a little bit.
She then says she doesn't have any money. So my
response is, well, guess what, I don't have any money either,
which is true. I didn't have any cash in my
wallet at the time. So anyway, so I kept but
I I'm a soldier. I wandered around and the next

(32:31):
three times I made the rounds to get the popcorn,
and that woman kept her mouth shut. She did not
say anything to me. You know what that is, guest, gone,
that's winning at the Costco sample game us what that
is because I've heard I've talked to somebody. I'm friends
with some of these people to hand out the Costco samples.
Their job is just to hand out the samples. Yeah,
they got to give a sales wrap. But you know,
you do not stop people from getting samples. You know,

(32:53):
they get as many as they want. That's just the
way it is. Now, that's it. Period stops. So you
meant you made a Costco employee bend the knee as
she was providing samples for you, and you decided to
crush her. I mean, she probably had a smile on
her face when she said this, and all of a
sudden he snapped back at her. No, she seemed a
little annoyed that I was taking so many samples. She's

(33:14):
seemed bothered by it. It's not really a Costco employee.
They sub let that out third party. I would never
do that to a Costco on plus, so was she god,
was she an older or younger woman? No? I said
she was a little older. I don't know. I'm bad
at judging ages. I don't know. Most of those people
are either really young it's their first job, or they're
really old. Okay, and there's not a lot of people

(33:36):
in between that do that job. Now, was was your
wife with you? No? Fortunately she was not with me.
She's very happy about that. That she wasn't with. She
would have snapped, she would have bit her fucking head off. Yeah. Yeah,
she does not appreciate that kind of civil discourse. Oh yeah,
you're you're your better half has some sauce, You're better
at half has a ninety nine mile prier fast By

(33:57):
that will cut inside on people. Yeah, she's You've got
a potty mouth and all that stuff. So I love it.
Fortunately it was just between me and the person. You've
ever seen that person again? Yeah, but you've had some
mug again. You've had some brutal dust ups now at Costco.
You've had your car hit, You've you've lost your fucking
cell phone there, and now you've gotten into a rubar

(34:19):
with an employee that was passing out free samples. Yeah,
and you wonder why happening. It's one place I go
every week. It's like to me, it's like my it's
my tabernacle, it's my church. It's my sanctuary, is what
it is, my temple. You have no kitchen, though, How
the fuck are you doing all this at Costco? Well,
I'm just wandering around. I don't buy anything when I'm

(34:39):
doing the same like lately the last month, two months Now,
I haven't bought anything. I just get samples. So let
me get this straight. For as frugal as you are,
you actually take the time to drive to a Costco
further away to get free samples of bullshit? Well, I
was actually doing something in the area, so I just
happened to be in the area. But it worked out
that way, and uh yeah, I happened pop into Costco.

(35:01):
And this is more embarrassing than new shitting your pants.
Oh you keep your mouth shut over there. This is
I'm embarrassed for you. Now, I'm not even happy that.
But I hang out with the flotsam and jetsam is
what I do, man, I hang out with So I
invite you my pants at Costco, and I would have

(35:22):
been a lot better if you actually do that in
front of her. Could you have had a toxic spill?
I apology? How about I buy a bag and then
shit all over your feet? How about that? Thanks? Is
that part of the deal? Is that part of the package.
So I invite you out for a wonderful night of
baseball between cal State Fullerton Tulane and you reject me

(35:45):
to go get free samples at Costco? Well, like, this
is what your day has become. First of all, listen,
you wanted me to do some kind of work. I
was enjoying baseball, where I do not work for free?
Yeah you do not? Yeah, I do not. I want
my work rewarded. I do not want my work unrewarded.

(36:07):
And the simple active charity ends at this pro bono podcast,
which we have still not been paid for, and we've
done it for how many months? Now? Do we had?
Seven months? I think this thing's been going on. Yeah,
we launched it to late September early October. Yeah. Yeah,
so like if they're even if you had like paid
me twenty bucks, I probably would have done it. But no,

(36:29):
I'm not. I guess stuff to do. You know, I
don't think you do. I got a lot of things.
I gotta go to Costco. I gotta watch out for
my gall bladder. You don't live a busy life, all right? Well,
moving on, the king of douchebags that would be David Gascon.
Oh boy, Now, I didn't start with this because I
didn't want to feed your ego. I know you're a

(36:50):
narcissist and all that, but you have really touched a
nerve with the Mallard militia and every man, woman and
child seemingly united together. All right, they are united together
in their range. You are such a dickhead, you are.
I don't really, I don't know you realize it. So
for those that haven't been playing along, it's time to

(37:13):
dish out some real talk. And so David guest gunfis
is kind of funny to fuck with his co workers. Yes,
and you are such a disgrace when it comes to
the automobile that literally Henry Ford and Carl Benz are
rolling over in their graves at the way you drive

(37:34):
and the way that you park. And this led to
a feeding frenzy to the Malam militias. So the other day,
I'm pulling to work a guest consta in the news desk,
and first of all, I couldn't get in the building
because my parking pass wouldn't work for some reason. There
was a glitch boom, which was my first problem. But
then I get in, I drive a little bit, make
a right hand turn into the iHeart Media Slash Premier

(37:57):
Networks parking lot there, which other people use sometimes. So
I go in there and I immediately see this car
in an odd angle. Now originally I thought, well, that
must be just a car, you know, stop for a second,
then the car will get out and move on. And
then I realized, no, the lights are off on the car.
The cars are not moving. The car is parked at
a forty five degree angle, I guess, crossing over my

(38:21):
parking place which I park in every night, and the
one next to it. The two premier parking spaces are
both covered up by this assholes car and it is
none other than David Jay Gascon affectionally known as Data.

(38:41):
I was, as they would call it, at an acute
angle that I was parked at, and I was on
the line, so it was perfect. But you know, this
building that we park in has eight floors, And I
think I did you guys a little bit of service
because you guys are always in your regular routine and
very lazy showing up just a couple of seconds before

(39:03):
the show actually goes on the air, and I had
to make you guys walk in additional ten feet ten
fifteen feet. So I think I added a little bit
something to your dynamic of the show, because one, you
get the blood flowing a little bit, because I know
you guys are typically just static. And two that you
guys actually had something else to talk about, and I
thought you got the entire show involved, which is nice

(39:26):
because at times are rather dormant for at least three
or four hours, and then the listeners. There is an
awful lot of people in this world that have some
sad lives. The volume. Let me give you the volume.
Hold on a sec, Hold on a sec, your mama, Luke.

(39:47):
Let me give you some some Mallard militia reaction here
and how we should adjudicate this. Bob wrote in on
our Facebook page. He said car dealerships use a washable
ink to right on their car windows. Looks like a
bingo marker, So I say you've got to ink all
of the windows. Russell pointed out the trailer park boys,

(40:11):
and he has a photo here of Cyrus's Corvette where
they wrote on the on the hood of the car
dick with an arrow pointing at the driver. I think
that's a good idea. I think that's pretty funny. Uh.
Chris says, clearly guests gone blocking emergency exits and is
a safety hazard immediately in pound the car is what

(40:31):
he had to say. Andre pointed out that Gagon parks
like he's from Houston. Right, Fred's very upset, He's sad.
He said, who could park in Ben Maller's parking spot? John?
I thought John summed it up very well. And from Colorado.
He said, that's how they park west of the four
oh five. And that's true, John, this is move. But

(40:56):
this is a move. The irony, though, is our studio
and the garage is actually east of the Furrow five.
I know, but you're parking like a west of the
four five. Guy. That's why I wouldn't work where. I
wouldn't go to that building if it was well, if
they moved it across the four four or five and
the one on one in LA but I would move.
I wouldn't work there. I quit. I'm a pilot. Said,
when you make an entrance like that, you can park

(41:18):
however you want. Good job by David. I thought that
was probably the best one that you have about. How
about Kelly from Honolulu? Oh Man says, my son owns
a towing company. We can have that car repode. Well,
it's great, Kelly. Can you get that on a boat?
Can you get that on a boat? Please? These there
a lot of triggered people. It reminds me of twenty
y and I'm just beginning here. People, are you really soiled?

(41:44):
I'll use that word again, your reputation even more. You
can't use the same adjective during the same podcast. All right,
let's Koli Kolei writes in from parts unknown and says,
since he's there, do him a solid and check his
tires by kicking off the tire stems. It's what that

(42:06):
guy's recommending. Brent, longtime listener on the number one sports
station the country, k FAN one hundred point three on
the FM dial in Minneapolis. Yeah, do you know that's
the number one sports station in the whole country? Yeah?
What is it? Is it Minnesota than Seattle. I don't
know who's in number two, but I know that the
Kfan is number one, the most listened to sports talk

(42:27):
radio station, and our show is on that where. It's true. Man,
even in the middle of the night, like I've done
local radio in some cities, I feel like there's more
people listening at three in the morning in Minnesota than
there are when I've done mid days in like Denver.
It's crazy, Yeah, because they're I think they have a
blowtorch too, right. Fifty thousand wants well I also believe
they have no competition. I don't think there's any competitor

(42:49):
that's in the market. And they cover the entire state.
There's like a fan network around the state of Minnesota.
So I love it. It's wild man. And then you
know all those teams, usually blow Kings have been a
playoff team, but the Twins, I guess they've been twin.
They can't beat anybody, and the Wolves suck all right anyway,
So Brent writes, and he says, here's the response from
Fox Sports Radio management. Quote, we have met with mister

(43:12):
Gagon and he has expressed in cere remorse and has
fully explained his rationale behind his parking era. Therefore, at
this time FSR management will not be punishing mister Gagon. Furthermore,
any retaliation from mister mallor any of his Mallard Militia
associates will result in discipline. Two said parties. There you go,

(43:34):
says that's that came right from Scotch Shapiro, who apparently
is a big fan of what's his name, Rob Mayford.
I love it all right, you want more? I mean,
I can go on on here. I do take offense
to the fact that you post on Instagram and on Facebook,
which I'm not on Facebook thankfully and Instagram, I wasn't

(43:57):
properly tagged, so you need to do a better job
of that. I did tag you on the Instagram. I
put your little stupid name on there. That's a great name.
It's a good parking job. There's a lot of triggered
people out there in this country. Ben it is absolutely William.
Sir William says he lives in the Bronx. He says,
this is how we park out here in the Bronx
during snowstorms us. What he says, who is somebody from

(44:23):
Who is it from Utah? The recommend of the boot?
Oh from Hawaii? No? Somebody guy? Oh yeah, the guy
from Utah. Yeah yeah, that guy. That's his job. He's
parking in forestment right around like I think he's in
Salt Lake or outside Salt Lake, and he drives around
at night booting people's cars. That's his gig. Can you
imagine seeing that on your car? Waking up one day
with a foot on your car maybe two. That guy

(44:44):
would do it, he said he would do it. Oh yeah,
Jimmy writes, Dag not Steve Harvey, move your vehicle. Yeah,
Steve Harvey did that. We'd all laugh and say that's
you know, do what you want. I'll lick your feet
after you're done, I'll wash your cars. That's exactly how
you guys play this out. Anybody else of Mike says,

(45:05):
I go get some dog shit and put it on
the door handle. Doggie do under his door handle. That's
what Brian also says. Russell says, key that piece of shit.
That's what he has to say. He's an idiot too.
Emiliano says, have Roberto's primos come take tires and rims

(45:26):
on brakes. Brian has a good idea. Wrap the car
in plastic. How about you remember this? These this in
the NBA lit I don't know if they do anymore.
Fill the entire car with popcorn. Popcorn. Yeah, that's a
good bit. That's a good that's a fun thing to do,
but you gotta get access to it. I've I've heard
of people do shaving cream under the door handle, or

(45:48):
vasling on the doors, like the door handle and the doors. Yeah,
or eggs too, or you could put something in the tailpipe.
But I think you have to be careful because that
could cause a serious problem. But there's like the yeah
you want to pick not to give really smells where
they people that drive the car don't have access to it,
or fish, Yeah, like fish is a good one. The

(46:10):
other thing you could do is you could write, like,
you know, a message like hey, this guy's a dickhead,
but you write it on the passenger side and you
take the chance that the driver will not go to
that side of the car, because most people when they
go to their car, they don't walk around the car,
and then that will be on the side of the
car when the person's driving around that you know, Hey,
this guy's an asshole, this guy's a schmuck. That kind

(46:31):
of thing, Dan says. Dan writes in and regarding your
parking here he's from Maine, and he says, call a
tow truck, tell them that this your car broke down.
You need a toad to a repair shop, is what
he what he recommended. See he can't read that on
the air. Wait when you can't read that on the
air or don't podcast? Oh I guess we could, Shane says,

(46:53):
should should you just let the air out of the tires.
See what people don't understand is that one ninety nine
percent of those people would never do this, and two
that requires work that none of you guys would ever
do anyway, Like you guys have a hard time getting
someone to change your oil every five thousand or ten
thousand miles, let alone letting air out of someone's tire,

(47:16):
or trying to kid or trying to mark it up
with any kind of invisible ink. Dan Don rather Don
lester Don writes and says, you do know that you
can say jackass, we can handle it. Well, yeah, he is.
He is a jackass. And then this guy's like, hey,
there's other people. Just let the militia handle this. We'll
take care of this guy. Carlos says, let Sean the

(47:39):
hood guy fuck with his car. Sean the Hood Guy. Yeah,
that's one of our listeners. You don't listen. Rick says,
slashes tires, how about that? Have ever slashed someone's tires before? No,
I have vandalized cars before, like I when I was
having really Yeah, when everyone started driving in high school,
we me and my buddies on the football team. We

(48:01):
had some guys on the team that we were goofing on. Yeah,
so we drove like ten o'clock at night. We drove
around and just picked up random shit on the side
of the road to put on the people's car, our
guys car, one of the other guys on the offensive line.
And we even like picked up a shopping cart. We
put it on top of the car. We wrapped it
in toilet paper put rotting. There was like a rotting

(48:23):
piece of fish, some leftover food that we put I mean,
we yeah, all of it. That's pretty good. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific. If you love
to be remembered as the person who gives the best
birthday gifts, I'm here to tell you that one eight
hundred flowers dot com is your ultimate birthday gifting destination.

(48:44):
One eight hundred flowers has thoughtful and artfully created options
that are guaranteed to deliver the best birthday surprise. Shop
thousands of unique gifts at one eight hundred flowers dot
com for exclusive offers and great values. To order today,
visit one hundred flowers dot com slash tune in. That's
one one hundred flowers dot com slash tune in What

(49:06):
grows in the forest trees Sure no one else grows
in the forest. Our imagination, our sense of wonder, and
our family bonds grow too, because when we disconnect from
this and connect with this, we reconnect with each other.
The forest is closer than you think. Find a forest

(49:27):
near you and start exploring. I Discover the forest dot org.
Brought to you by the United States Forest Service and
the AD Council. If I could be you and you
could be me for just one hour, if you could
find a way to get inside each other's mind, walk
a mile in my shoes, Walk a mile in my
shoes shoes. We've all felt left out, and for some

(49:51):
that feeling lasts more than a moment. We can change that.
Learn how it belonging begins with us. Dot org, Brought
to you by the AD Council. Welcome out. Now, do
you want to hear my karma from that story about
my parking job? Okay, yeah, go ahead on the way home. No,

(50:13):
but the following day, Um, the place I train at,
there's a gym and an in and out right next
to it. They're probably distance wise, were probably about fifty
yards away from each other. I get out of the gym,
finished with a workout, and lo and behold on my car.

(50:33):
I had a gift certificate for ten dollars for in
and out. Someone placed it on the hood of my car. Bullshit,
And it was a bunch of cars that were out
in front of the gym. We all had in and
out gift certificates. Absolutely made my day to get a
double devil right after. I thought it was really good.
I thought it was I thought it a nice touch

(50:55):
to what I had done earlier in the week. Courtesy
of the Premiere Radio Studios. This is what you get
for trying to rat out Jonas about a month or
a month and a half ago, taking a picture of
his car and then bitching about parking for him. And
it wasn't even in his truck. He tried to air
me out a couple of months ago with my parking
job because it was a couple feet away from the

(51:16):
back of the parking spot. Who cares, nobody, Nobody cares
parking a different spot in a different lane. Let me
explain something to you, dummy. Um, these are the kind
of things you're A nuisance, is what you are. No,
I'm not. Do you understand that? Do you understand the
word nuisance? Yes? I do, And I'm not. That's what
you are. This is the kind of everyday little shit

(51:39):
that's an inconvenience in an annoyance, and it's an irritation
though you know it is because you had to pass
the kind of stuff and you had the god of
life more difficult. You had annoy You irritate, you exasperate
people because of this kind of stuff. And this is
what leads to hostility. This is don't even realize it.
This is don't even realize that you're agitating because people

(52:02):
can relate to this because everyone's gone to park somewhere
and some dick bag has has gone and parked, you know,
two spaces and there's no You're at the mall on
the weekend, you know, and you want to park, and
you find a space, and then you realize that the
guy with the corvette parked in two spaces and took
up the space. Then you run, do you understand, Yeah?

(52:23):
Then you run the backside, That is, you run into
that same guy in a department store. He's probably picking
a fight with a teller or someone in customer service
over a free sample. Listen again at these that kind
of things that make life not enjoyable. I think you
don't seem to think that. You think this is all
funny humor. You're not going to be able to convert anyone.

(52:44):
I convert, not on the right side of history. I'm
I don't need to evangelize by this because everyone's already converted.
They're all the believers with my doctrine. Oh boy, it's embarrassing.
You got a lot of keyboard warriors that follow you.
You know, if you ever get divorced, I think you'll
have no problems picking up where you left off because

(53:05):
you got plenty of guys out there that will definitely
date you when you become available. If you know you're jealous,
because again, what am I jealous about? There's no guess
gone gay. I don't need someone seeking my praises and
kissing my toes, someone trying to wash my underwear when
I soiled them. I mean, you know, someone probably did
that my own underwear. We should do that. We should
put your dirty underwear on eBay and see how much

(53:26):
you'll get sold for. I can guarantee you someone that
listens to your show will I actually buy it? Yeah? Okay, yeah,
how much will they pay for it? I don't know.
Put it on eBay, mallers soiled underwear. See if any seriously,
I'll sell I have the underwear. I haven't washed them yet.
Ye unless I have, we'll do it all right. Anyway,

(53:46):
you are the king of douchepac. Congratulations on that time
for our grab back segment. These are actual questions from
actual listeners, and let's get into it on this one
as well. This is from Gael in Apple Valley, California,
some friends that live in Apple Valley. Gail says, my
husband thinks that talk is overrated and he hates the Clippers.

(54:08):
Can you please explain to me why he loves listening
to your podcast. That's stuff from Gail. Well, he's clearly
a discerning customer, Gail, And yeah, we do talk about
the Clippers from time to time, but regardless of that,
it is entertaining. How would I describe the show. It's
sports chatter, loosely sports chatter chatter. If I could talk,

(54:32):
that would help. But yeah, people, I have noticed people
have really enjoyed my meltdowns on the astros. That maybe
that's why he listens, because I have just I'm like
a nuclear bomb every night here. I'm in rue nation
over the Astros. So maybe that's why. I don't know,
but I'm glad he's listening. Thank you, Gail's husband. Yeah.

(54:54):
But prior of the reason is there's not a lot
of people in the mainstream media that have taken shots
at the astro is like with a bloody bat, like
everyone everyone. There's a lot of people softball in this
thing and kind of adhering to what Manfred has said
and now what the Astros are saying with their interviews
with Ken Rosenthal. I have no idea why there's a

(55:16):
lot of outrage. I have a theory of why. All right,
I thought about it, because you're right. I mean, the
media elites that cover baseball, the academia crowd, they're not
partaking in the feeding frenzy. It's it's the overnight radio
guy that is doing that night. There's two reasons. A.
I believe a lot of these in our business in radio,

(55:36):
a lot of these people were caught off guard. They
do not want to talk about baseball, they don't and
they were caught napping. This is a huge scandal to me.
This is not even a baseball story. It's a scandal story.
And there is no better story than a scandal story.
The greatest story of all is the scandal. I ranted
about this. I did a little rant on the show

(55:57):
the other night about this, and I believe it to
be true. The scandal is the gift. And so yeah,
you say it's a baseball story because it's about the Astros,
but it's really about the scandal. And every morsel of
a scandal should be chewed up, devoured like a delicious cake.
When you do my job and when you work in radio,
and there's a lot of these guys that would rather

(56:17):
talk about NFL draft rumors, which is what we'd normally
be talking about, or they'd rather break down, you know,
the latest NBA scuttle but whatever Lebron James says. But no,
I want to be part. I want to be one
of the piranha. And there's blood in the water and
I'm part of the feeding frenzy and it's it's great.
I mean, there's many reasons why scandals are wonderful. They're tittilating, right,

(56:41):
you know, other people getting in trouble, breaking the rules.
That's kind of cool. We can take pleasure out of this.
There's some pleasure and there's no real punishment. Normally we
take pleasure out of the punishment, and in this case,
there's some people taking pleasure because the Astros got away
with it, right, That's the other thing here. They got
away with it. That's that's the thing that's upset me.

(57:02):
The players, these little snot nosed punks, these Mama lukes.
And there's also a pleasure that you get because typically
this hasn't been the case with the Astros because they're
not apologizing. But normally in a scandal you have somebody
apologize and ask for forgiveness. That hasn't happened, but normally does.

(57:22):
But the most important part of a scandal is it
is a distraction from the tedious nonsense that I just
referenced on sports radio in February when we're talking about
every made up rumor. These NFL guys they throw spaghetti
against the wall, so they spin the wheel of speculation
hoping something sticks. Yeah, and then so that's normally what

(57:43):
we do, and I listen, I'm not against that kind
of radio. But to me, if you can give me
a scandal, I'm going to take the scandal. Oh yeah. Absolutely.
The other thing that not a lot of people have
even discussed is that this was an opportunity for this
to be a criminal investigation too, because when you go
down to the you go down to the heavy meat
and potatoes of this. This is this consumer fraud, isn't it?

(58:06):
Where you have it is? I mean, now it's the conspiracy.
Like you said, yeah, baseball has a lot of protections
from the federal government. And the thing that Baseball really
has going for them is that there's an election season
and a lot of Washington, DC is so focused on
the Democratic race and Donald Trump and all that that

(58:27):
this is in the back of their minds, just in
the back burner. But if this was not a presidential
election year, I would think that already we would have
had Jose Altuve, Bregman, aj Hine cheff Luno called into
the Capitol Hill area there and have a special congressional hearing.

(58:48):
Yeah about this, Well the best part because you're looking
at what these guys got paid with bonuses for the
World Series. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's it's you're talking about
four hundred thousand dollars or almost five hundred dollars in bonuses. Yeah,
and it's you don't know what you got from Boston
and twenty eighteen, but you definitely know you got in
twenty seventeen. And then obviously Carlos Korey had taken shots

(59:12):
at Cody Bellinger with Ken Rosenthal is the same guy
that got the immunity is saying you got to know
the facts. Well, I can't get the facts if you've
been given immunity, idiot, don't you just want to kick
him in the nuts. But it's like, it's this is racketeering, right.
The racketeering is obtaining or extorting money illegally or carrying
on illegal business activities. That is would anyone disagree this

(59:35):
is racketeering. The Astros committed racketeering. Um, you know, and
these some of these guys should be brought up on
grand larceny charges because they're frauds. Uh, these these players,
but it will be gotten gains, that's how it works.
They should not should avoid the trophy, tried, convicted and executed.

(59:55):
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night. Yeah, just imagine
if they're part I mean, well, yeah, Manchester was at
Manchester City or Manchester United, I think it was Manchester City.
They got banned for two years. Yeah, how embarrassing is that?
European soccer gets it right and baseball does not. How
embarrassing is that for America? Yeah, it's a freaking disgrace,
all right. Anyway, Joe writes in with a political crush,

(01:00:18):
and he says, do you think that Roger Stone is
a tough guy or just a phony? He says, a
trump phony? He says, I love Roger Stone. I think
Roger Stone is one of the great characters of our
time and was part of the greats just wonderful documentary
on Netflix, Get Me Roger Stone, which is one of

(01:00:39):
my favorite one of my favorite documentaries in recent years.
Here and I saw this week Roger Stone got about
forty months months And that's a federal sentence, right, yeah,
So you're typically you have to serve out at least
eighty five percent of a federal offense if you are convicted.
So what are we looking at here? Do the math

(01:01:00):
on that? Guess they said there would be no math.
So if you're doing eighty times four, that's what thirty two?
So thirty two months. So he's gonna have to spend
a couple of years in jail. I have to spend
two and almost three years in jail, right, Yeah, Now,
I'm sure this is gonna be appealed. Yeah, it should
be if he's got a pretty good case to appeal.

(01:01:21):
And yeah, after the I would say he's gonna have
to go to if he does end up going to jail,
you have to go to jail for until I'm gonna
go on a limb here and say till January twentieth,
twenty twenty one. Yeah, if Trump wins, he will then
get a either either he loses or he wins, but
either way, on the way out of Trump will pardon him.
I just I just love how federal agents there was,

(01:01:45):
what thirty or forty of them, plus CNN had a
storm a sixty five seven year old man's house and
then bring him out in shackles, right, yeah, old things.
I mean, listen, you can say what you wanted about Rogerstone.
I not agree with him politically, the guy is one
of the great characters in American politics of all time.

(01:02:06):
He's just I was so taken a back by how
good that documentary was. I didn't know a lot of
I'd heard about Rogers Stone. I didn't know a lot
about him, but it was it was crazy. Anyone's got
a lot of dirt. Yeah, he know, he knows where
the bodies are buried. Yea, which is a blessing and
a curse at the same time. Let's hear Mike and
Japan says, has Gascon ever injured anyone with his pathetic

(01:02:27):
parking seals? Gascon? Have you ever heard anyone by your
parking if you backed someone over? No, I've injured someone driving,
but I haven't injured on parking yet, thankfully. All right, Mark,
and Ottawa writes, and he says, if Eddie found a
new job and you were forced to pick between Gagon
and Ralph as your number two for the rest of
your career, who would you pick? All Right, Mark, I'm

(01:02:47):
gonna go This is a this is a tough question.
This is like Sophie's choice. But I'm gonna go with
noth to be above what I'm gonna go. No, I
would not want to have either one of but I
guess I would probably choose Ralph because what I would
do is I just changed the locks on the or
so Rolph couldn't come in and harass me. Every every
break that we have we not that we're supposed to
ever break, but every pause that we take. But I

(01:03:08):
wouldn't pick you, guess on because you can't handle the overnights.
You're a daytime guy. You know it's it's fine. It's
not for everybody. Gonna a little tough guy. I have
a little great to work the overnight. Yeah, yeah, I
gotta work an overnight update shift. Um, with a lot
of things not trending at two o'clock in the morning,
three o'clock in the morning. What you're talking about, You
gotta have some fire in your in your belly. You

(01:03:28):
got to talk about I always have games of note,
is what you Yeah, there's games of questionable games of
note and um, yeah, I mean we do that in
midway through the season the end. I want you to know.
Stupid dating. There's a lot of regress. It happens overnight.
We get people arrested in people dying while I'm on
the radio. I did do Kobe Bryant's death on a

(01:03:50):
Sunday morning at ten thirty. I heard you really handle
that well. I didn't. I handled it extremely well. Had
watch had calls from from Don Martin, your boss, um,
from Steve Harman saying it did a great job. And
you know, while's up doing this reporting it on what
was trending. You were asleep, so I had to text
you and wake you up. And yeah, you weren't too

(01:04:10):
thrilled about it. Yeah you like sending message, Hey you
so and so died, Thank you glad to know somebody died. Yeah,
you don't want me a part of an overnight show anyway?
What's that you don't want me part of your overnight
show anyway? I know, I don't think you can handle.
You'd end up in the hospital. No, I just it's
one of those things where you're you're accustomed to having
people just throw rose petals at you and feed you

(01:04:32):
fruit and serenade you and all that stuff. It's it's
a little bit different with me. I tend to push
back a little bit and not be so foaming at
the mouth as some of your other fanboys. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific on Fox Sports
Radio and the iHeartRadio AIP. Look at your children's eyes

(01:04:53):
to see the true magic of a forest. It's a
storybook world for them. You look and see a tree,
they see the wrinkled face of a wizard with arms
outstretched to the sky. They see treasure in pebbles, they
see a windy path that could lead to adventure, and
they see you. They're fearless. Guide. Is this fascinating world?

(01:05:14):
Find a forest near you and start exploring. I Discover
the Forest dot org. Brought to you by the United
States Forest Service and the AD Council. What grows in
the forest trees? Sure no one else grows in the forest.
Our imagination, our sense of wonder, and our family bonds
grow too, because when we disconnect from this and connect

(01:05:36):
with this, we reconnect with each other. The forest is
closer than you think. Find a forest near you and
start exploring. I Discover the Forest dot org. Brought to
you by the United States Forest Service and the AD Council.
Here's a depressing fun facts pressing fun fact. Yeah, every second,

(01:05:57):
there are they say, roughly fifty nine million people every year, right, Chris,
So they've done the average. That means about two people
every second on average. Oh right, More than one hundred
and sixty thousand people die every day. About that? Not
coronavirus induced. No, I mean it just happens. People get old,
they die, they have accidents. I mean, this is what happens. Yeah,

(01:06:17):
can we not talk about death today? I mean, we've
done a great job for the last night. I'm sorry,
but yeah, I know. Yeah, all of a sudden, I'll
have more questions here, jose Right, since, what's your earliest
memory you can recall? Um, I've been asked this before,
jose Mine. I don't remember a lot. I have, just
like everyone else, childhood amnesia. Right, I have childhood amnesia.

(01:06:39):
I forgot a lot. But one the one memory, the
first memory I can really recall where I was. I
was clear as day was when Ronald Reagan was shot
like that. I think that was in nineteen eighty one.

(01:07:00):
And because I was on the school bus and they
had the guy had the radio. The news radio station
was on in the school bus, and I still remember,
and I was like the last kid on the school bus,
and so the guy turned the radio all the way
up and they were like these news bulletins. President Ronald
Reagan has been shot and wounded in Washington, DC. He's
in emergency surgery right now. He's getting out of his

(01:07:22):
limo for some some speech in DC or whatever. And
you know, the attempted assassination. And so I remember that
because I was then the reporter. I then when I
got off the school bus, I ran to my mom,
Hey mom, the president were shot, you know, and I
gave her the whole thing. And that's my first memory.
What about you, y ask gon I have a couple

(01:07:42):
of them. Actually happened in the same game. I was
playing Little league baseball. I'm left handed. One of my
coaches actually got me a left handed catcher's glove and
a game that I don't say a lot about your
parking that you're left handed, That's okay, we're smarter than
right handers. Anyways, the game that I played in and
caught in, I had the buster posy rule not invoked.

(01:08:06):
I got ran over at home plate by this humongous
kid and uh somehow held out of the ball. A
good job by whoever that kid he was. He was
called out, but I remember it just being launched like
head over heels. It was. It was pretty traumatic. I
was so excited about being able to catch and call
a game. I did it. Play at the plate, thought

(01:08:27):
I was tough, but I got truck sticked. It was
absolutely brutal. Do your video of that? Does your dad
have video? Your mom a video? No? I do you
what was your favorite show growing up as a kid. Um,
that's a good question. I when I was little, I
liked I was gonna be a cop or a fireman,

(01:08:48):
so I loved There was a show called Chips with Poncholello.
I love that show. And there was a show called Emergency.
Oh I remember that. Yeah, it was like about paramedics. Yes,
and I love that show. In fact, you live west
of the four h five is where that fire station
is they used on the TV show No Kidding, And
I'd like to I want to go buy there sometime
because I, you know, just memories watching that show when

(01:09:11):
I was a kid. That's how bad television was. Those
were my shows that I watched when I was a kid.
That and like Tom and Jerry cartoons and Sunday Morning
they had all the greatest cartoons in the world on TV.
Had to wait till Sunday morning. Yeah, and then we
had professional wrestling on Sunday, you know, Saturday morning as well.
That was big. This week in baseball, oh, this week
in baseball, oh man, that was before the National Game

(01:09:31):
of the week. Yes, sEH see mine for twin notes.
So around the major leagues, I learned. I learned from
Frank Viola on this Weekend Baseball to throw the circle
change because Mel Allen did a feature and Frank Viola
that was his big pitch for the Twins wins. Yeah,
and uh, and I learned. I tried to throw it
in literally, Yeah, we're gonna get with it. No, I sucked.

(01:09:52):
It was terrible and one of my favorite shows that well,
actually I liked it, but I didn't like it. I know,
you don't get along with him too well. Was was
Rescued nine one one? Yeah, I don't know. Do you
remember that show? No, I don't really know. Well, William
Shatner was the host of that show, and so it
was a docuse series based on you know, it was
like Cops, but before Cops, whether we talk about things

(01:10:16):
that would happened whether it was in La or Orange County,
like crime scene investigations and murders and robbery and all
that stuff. But the music the open, and then here
comes Shatner and you know, you're you're a kid, and
you know your dad's a cops. So it's kind of like,
oh shit, this is what he's in the middle of.
You know, Yeah, yeah, no, I I liked also well
Fred Dryer, a friend of the show Hunter and Hunter. Yes,

(01:10:38):
that was a good show. There was called a show
called Swat. Yeah, it was a cheeseball thing. Did you
watch Get Killed eighteen? Did you watch Mash? I did
a little bit because that was like the number one
show when I was a little kid. Yeah, and my
parents would watch it. So yeah, we had that on
from time to time. All right, questions keep coming in.
This is a new in Owingboro, Kentucky, and a new

(01:11:02):
says who is your favorite colleague at Fox Sports Radio?
And do not say gag on? Well, of course I
wouldn't say that because you guys do a podcast to
give the same question, and rules apply to David well
a new You know you're trying to get me to
pick favorites. I would never do that unless I would
my all time favorite employee at Fox Sports Radio as
a former employee. He's now part of the Fox Sports

(01:11:23):
Radio Alumni Association the TV Dentist, so he doesn't count.
I get along with like I get along with pretty
much everybody. There's nobody there's no real douchebag that works
at a place that's in the building. But I would
say like Jonas. But you know the guy I love,
I love hanging out with and talking shop is Rob Parker. Yeah.

(01:11:46):
I get such a kick out of Rob Parker. I
love it. He's a very interesting live He's a baseball
writer for a long time, he worked at ESPN. He's
even of those rotating gas bags with Skip Bayliss and
all that. I think Rob's awesome. So I love, I
love hanging out with Rob. We in fact, we need
to have dinner Gascon. We need to have a power
dinner with these guys, get together and they talk shop. Yeah,

(01:12:08):
we definitely need to do that. I think I will
agree with you with Rob because I didn't know Rob
prior to his day's ESPN. So when he came here
along with Chris Brussard, it was like a breath of
fresh air. They're just different takes, different guys, and plus,
I don't know, it's just something about it. I know
there's a lot of people that love football and hockey
and basketball, but when he tied to baseball people, they

(01:12:30):
can just talk and talk for a while, and it
just feels like hanging out with Rob and bullshitting with
him about different things. We could just talk forever. And
it's so in depth with baseball. But then you get
to go on his career and where he's traveled, and yeah,
he was a kid when he covered the Yankees. Think
he was twenty one years old when he was on
the Yankees beat, which is unprecedented because oftentimes when he

(01:12:53):
said with his paper was that they were required to
cover prep sports and high school sports. But he got
launched right away and obviously covering the Yankees as a kid,
then going to Detroit, and he's been all over the place.
So yeah, yeah, I mean, and I think we I
wasn't ever a sportswriter, but I got started when I
was nineteen. I was covering Major League Baseball at the time.

(01:13:15):
So I have some fond memories of the early days.
Guys that I was cheering for for booing a few
months earlier, and all of a sudden, I'm interviewing them.
It was it was crazy, But yeah, I would say
Rob Parker's And Plus the thing about Rob is I
feel like me and Rob have the same the same
boiler plate of how to do radio or happening, a

(01:13:36):
lot of opinions and a lot of you know, we
I feel like it's the similar thing where you're not in.
The glass isn't always half full, it's half empty and broken. Yeah.
But well that's the other thing too, is that you
guys aren't grabbing ankles over anybody either. There's a few
of that little pompons and and a little bit powder,
a little cushion on their seat and there's yeah yeah,

(01:13:58):
different absolutely. I mean, Rob is outspoken, he's Frank's he's clever,
and those are all things I aspire to be. I'm
not I'm not usually those things. But entertaining. I think
the most important thing in radio. People forget this is entertainment. Yeah,
but there's ways you can get to entertainment. You just
want to be boring, as there's different ways to cut
the cake. You want to be loved or hated, but

(01:14:19):
you don't want to be in between. Yeah, absolutely do
not want to be in between. Uh let's see here,
we'll get a couple more time is getting away from
us though, some other stuff that we want to get to.
Uh you see here, what else? Uh? Carlos in Bang
Bang Houston, Texas says, I am pissed that Sean the

(01:14:40):
Hood Guy did not win Caller of the Year. Stop
letting Weedman back on the show. Uh, there you go.
He says, Anyway, have you guys ever been part of
a natural disaster to a point where you all had
to be evacuated? I know he's from Texas, Carlos, because
he said, y'allah, that's a Texas thing. Um. No, I've not.
I've you know, living in California, I don't live in

(01:15:00):
the hills where the fires are, so that's never happened.
I've been close to fires, I've gotten the smoke and
the ash and all that, but not had to be evacuated.
So that's never happened. What else would you be evacuated for?
Like a hurricane? No, that's never happened. Earthquake. They don't
tell you, so you can't evacuate. Yeah, So no, what
about you, guess I've ever been evacuated from your home? No.

(01:15:21):
The closest though, was right on part with what you
were mentioning with the fires. And I think it was
two thousand and four, two thousand and five. I was
in San Diego and I lived right next to Qualcomm Stadium,
formerly the home of the Chargers, and I remember one morning,
it was the day after Halloween. I woke up and
the sky was just a bright orange color and it

(01:15:43):
was a horrible night for me. The night prior and
I woke up badly, hungover, dazed and confused from a girlfriend,
and I look at my car and it was just covered,
and I thought, what the fuck? Why is it snowing
in southern California Because my car at that time was black.
My car was covered and it was white. It was
a picture perfect white color. And then I get to it,

(01:16:06):
I smell it, and I touch it, and it's all ash.
And so the fires that were in San Diego were
near Script's Ranch, and that's where most of the San
Diego Chargers actually live, like Tomlinson, Vincent Jackson, like a
bunch of those guys lived in that area. But it
was a pretty wealthy area as well. So a lot

(01:16:27):
of those people, those people that live there had to
be evacuated, and a lot of them actually centralized at
Qualcom Stadium. They'd had first aid and paramedics and all
kinds of emergency response teams, and so a couple of us,
you know, we'd go down there and drop off water
and some of the rations and things. Look at you,
look at you trying to get compliments for handing out water.
How dare you know? I mean, we were all part

(01:16:47):
of it somewhere at all of a sudden. No, but
it hits you, right, I can just psycho narcissist way went,
Why you were just bragging last week about goodwill and
donating to a charity? Out of here with that stop.
The reason I did that is because I felt like
I needed to pay off. We had a contest, and

(01:17:08):
I didn't say that we won the contest, so I
had to say that. Well, I'm just answering a question,
and I'm putting it into content should be seen but
not her all right, true charity should be anonymous. Well,
I wasn't tweeting it out at that time, and I
didn't take any selfies like look at me, I'm in
the middle of a fire. Wasn't on Facebook or my
Space at that time. So here I am answering a question.

(01:17:30):
Why can't you accept it? Overbearingly modest David Gasca? Clearly?
All right? Time now for study. This is it real
or is it bullshit? We got some good ones this week, Yes,
we do, all right, these are actual studies. New study
reveals the age most people discover their favorite band their
favorite band. What age do you think that is, guest
gun thirteen That is a correct mute. The results revealed

(01:17:55):
that most people discover their favorite music artist at the
age of thirteen. Now, this is my theory to me,
the golden years of childhood are between the age of
like nine or ten and thirteen, because you're not a
douchebag yet, you haven't become a really horrific teenager, and
you remember pretty much everything from around that age, and

(01:18:18):
so anything that you experience is going to be something
that the rest of your life. Every band you're going
to compare to your favorite band when you were thirteen.
Every in sports, like if you've become a sports fan
between the ages of nine and thirteen and then the
rest of your life, the athletes are never as good
as they were between the ages of nine and thirteen.

(01:18:38):
The teams are never as good. Sports are never as
fun because you got to go eventually get a job,
and you have life that gets in the way and
all that stuff. But yeah, there's that's an amazing time
when you're a kid nine to thirteen, it's awesome and
so much stuff. For the rest of your life, you're
going to judge your life compared to what happened those years.
So when you grew up, what were your favorite bands
at that age? You know, I was not. I was

(01:19:01):
not into music very I'm more into music now than
I was. I was such a hard old sports guy
that I wasn't really into it. I got listened to
whatever my mom would listen to, you know, whatever, and
that kind of stuff. But I didn't really have like
a favorite band. So I'm not I'm the exception of
the rule. What about you, guess guy? So at that age,
I was Metallica, Pearl Jam, sound Garden, and you can

(01:19:24):
only have one, you can't have. But I don't know.
I just thought they were all good at that time. Yeah,
I mean I wasn't. Yeah, so that you you would
think that that's the golden age for you of music, right, yeah,
you remember. But for somebody else they'd be like, oh
that music suck. It was better, you know when I
was a kid, Yeah, I was. That was a great time,
eight nine, ten years old. Dodgers, Lakers, they're all winning something,

(01:19:49):
and I became a Broncos fan. They were winning something.
They get blown out in Super Bowls. It all came
together from her during that time and it fell apart.
All right, now I'm moving on. Let's see a new
study finds that Americans have blank in unused gift cards
and credits looking for dollar amount here. Yeah, I don't know.

(01:20:09):
I'll say like seven dollars. No, No, it's total amount,
total amount for the whole country. Oh, total amount cards
and credit cards. Fuck, I don't know. You gotta tell
me on this, twenty billion dollars. Shit. Now, this has
been my theory on this. The reason stores give out
gift cards and encourage people around the holidays to give

(01:20:31):
out gift cards is because a they know it's kind
of like the same thing money back guarantee. Most people
will never ask for the money back guarantee. Even if
the products defective, they won't ask for the money back
guarantee because it's uncomfortable. You have to you have to
go through the phone system or go meet someone, and
you have to explain the situation. There's a lot of
red tape. But I think the same thing applies with

(01:20:52):
gift cards and credit cards. The other thing that happens
is even if people use said gift cards, oftentimes they'll
have a little money left over, Like there's a barbecue
restaurant I go to, and I have gift cards for
it I get at Costco, but I'll use it and
then i won't use the full amount, and then I'll
forget about it, and I will I like, I have

(01:21:12):
gift cards right now that have like maybe eight bucks
on it. They started out with like fifty bucks or
seventy bucks, and now they're down to eight bucks. But
I don't use them because they only have eight bucks there.
So do you do gift certificates anymore for people? Or no? Well,
you know sometimes listen to My wife's in charge of
handing out the gifts most of the time. But I
have done them. But they by the way, they say
that by generation, the millennials leave the most unused fifty

(01:21:39):
five percent. Gen X is at forty six percent. Wow,
So there you go. That's a study idea. Let's see.
Do you hate the sound of your own voice? Guest gunt, No,
you don't, hear a narcissist. I don't like listen to myself.
I don't either. According to a new survey, sixteen a

(01:22:00):
scent of people, though, hate the sound of their own voice.
I think it's higher than that. Yeah, like you probably
for sure. Back in the day, you probably hear the
sound of your voice. Yeah, I still can't, still can't say.
You're supposed to do air checks every once in a while.
See how you sound. I hear every mistake and it's
just so disgust No, I mean like the audible of

(01:22:20):
your voice, like the sound sound, think of whatever. I'm
fine with this. No, well, you're much better now than
you were back in the day. It sounded like back
and then like someone's pinching your vocal cords. Yeah, I
was a kid when I started. No, no, no, I've
smoked a lot of cigarettes and here I am. I've
got to bacco voice. Is that what it is like
back in the day, guys with smoke and then drink

(01:22:42):
some whiskey and the broadcast booth. Oh totally, man, guys, dude.
When I first got into the business, there were guys
that were chain smoke. We used to have an update
guy it Fox, that would go out and chain smoke
in between his every twenty minute update thing. It was insane.
That's unbelievable. Guys like asking for He was like a
walking ashtray and it was craziness. Anyway, all right, let's

(01:23:04):
see here. How about this story. There's a study out
of the New York area there that because now New
Jersey has sports gambling, Yes, they realized that the state
of New Jersey has collected eight hundred and thirty seven
million dollars from mobile sports gamblers who live in New York.

(01:23:25):
Wow about that. Did you wager on the Super Bowl
at all? Uh? Yeah, I won. I had Kansas City
on that. So yeah, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I
really loved San Francisco in that game. I'm grateful that
I was not able to go to Vegas or anywhere
else too. I heard a rumor that California is gonna

(01:23:46):
have legalized sports gambling next year, I believe twenty twenty one, supposedly. Yeah,
I'll believe it when it happened, I hope. So a
new survey by a bank shows that a third of
Americans say cash is their favorite way to pay. Well, yeah,

(01:24:06):
well a lot of these stores are going cashless. Yeah,
I think that's bullshit. There's just a matter of convenience too.
I don't know about you, but the banks that I
bank with allow me to access cash from tellers like
at a seven to eleven, So there's no service fee attached.
Oh that's nice than instead of these four dollars service fee. Yeah.

(01:24:26):
Like in Vegas, if you're in a casino, god forbid,
you need extra cash, it's like four or five dollars
per transaction withdraw some money. Oh it's a scam man.
Better off leaving the casino and going to a bank. Yeah,
is what you're better off doing. Or if you go
to an arco, an arco, even if the gas is
cheaper and you use your card, so'll charge you like
thirty five or fifty cents for the transaction, which is

(01:24:50):
bullshit too. Yeah, I know you don't go all right,
here we go. This is a large survey of one
point two million Americans. Researchers from Yale and Oxford Universities
have shown that people who exercise are markedly happier than
people who don't, even if they have listening to and
now I think this is bullshit. No I don't. We
can compare each other. Go ahead. I was morbidly obeys

(01:25:13):
I never went to The only gym I had in
my life was I had a friend named Jim. That's it.
I didn't go to the gym at all, didn't work
out for many, many years, I just ate terribly. I
was happy, like I'm happy. I'm relatively happy now, but
I'm not any more happy. And I go to the
gym five days a week, but I'm not any happier
now than I was when I was morbidly obees sitting

(01:25:34):
on my sofa eating Cheetos and candy bars. I have
to disagree. Like your stewarts, my experience is I'm telling
you my life experience. Well, you seem a lot more
pleasant now than you did back in the day. We
didn't know me when I was at my peak peak eating,
I was Joey Chestnut. You didn't know me that, Yeah,
but I knew you when you were taking what your

(01:25:55):
thousand steps per night during the show every ye when
I used to walk around the bee on the building.
You're a lot more homeless people around the studios. Yeah,
you're a lot more pleasant now than you were before.
Probably that's probably because, like I'm I'm working with you
and I've added some life into your career. And uh,
that's a lie, I don't know. Yeah, don't you feel
better when you put on clothes now that you're not

(01:26:17):
having a labor to putting things on to button them up,
or you feel like, well now they're too big, and
so now I still look like I look like a loser.
I'm disheveled, I'm raggedy. Ann over here, it's it's a mess.
There's something great about working off your obesity, is there not? No,
it does feel good when you put clothes on that

(01:26:38):
didn't fit and now they fit. Yeh that I mean
that does. You do get a sense of accomplishment. But
it's still it bothers me because I'm cheap and I
don't want to have to buy new clothes. Maybe I
should gain a few pounds back, a couple of extra cheeseburgers,
and then the clothes will fit perfectly, and then I
don't have to buy new clothes. You know, It's like
that does go through my head from from time to time.

(01:26:59):
All right, let's do a couple more here. What do
we have? A new survey finds that nearly a quarter
of Americans say that working on Monday is more dreadful
than the DMV or the dentist. You agree with that,
I don't believe that. I believe it. I'll tell you why.
Now we have a pretty good job and it's it's fun.

(01:27:20):
I look forward to going back to work, and I
always excited on the weekends because I come in Sunday night.
In the Monday, there's always a lot of stuff. There's
like a couple of days that I can can dissect
and find stuff to talk about. So I always look
forward to that. But I get it. I understand why
if you have a job that you you hate, that
you despise, or like, I don't want to go back there.

(01:27:40):
I don't want to deal with everyone's in a bad mood.
Everyone's a sour puss, everyone's kyrie irving on Monday. You
know who wants to deal with that? So I think
that's right. I agree for most people that have jobs
they don't like. Why would you be excited about that?
But how would that be any different from a Tuesday
or a Wednesday or Thursday or Friday. Well, because when

(01:28:03):
you get further in the week, you feel like you're
closer to another weekend, you know what I'm saying, Like,
you know Wednesdays, I get through Wednesday, got Thursday. Maybe
I'll take Friday off and then the weekends too. I
don't know. There's people that work I work on the weekends,
and that sucks working on the weekends. You know, come,
I get take a number. I worked. I worked ten years.
Actually more than that. I worked weekend overnights for years. Yeah,

(01:28:26):
and I could not date anyone. No one would be
around me. I stopped getting invited to parties and all that.
But I didn't mind it. Actually, I liked working weekends
because I got all this free times during the week.
It was kind of cool. Yeah. I mean it's a
give and take. But like you said, you couldn't socialize
and mingle and go out. But I don't like socializing them. Yeah,
I'm okay with it. That's true. I'm perfectly la. DMVs

(01:28:49):
are absolutely horrendous. So that's why I go out to
the You've got to go out to the sticks is
what you gotta do. You gotta get a reservation. It's
exactly what you don't do. And when I never do that.
Now I learned my wife knows how to play the game.
Oh boy, she does. How often do you wash your
bath towels? A new survey says it's every blank days,

(01:29:12):
every five days, No, every three days. Oh that's good,
there's hope for people. I'm a once a week guy,
I have a rotation. I have two bath towels. You
have two towels, Well, yeah, I rotate them. One's a
towel I use for Monday and Wednesday, and the other
is like, is a Tuesday Thursday. You don't wash your

(01:29:33):
towels every day now after usage? No, I'm worried about
the environment. This global warming, your climate changer, yep, climate change.
You are really fucking cheap. All right, here's another one.
More than one hundred million Americans are eligible to vote
but do not actually vote. So explain that, guest, Why

(01:29:54):
would one hundred million people be eligible to vote and say, ah,
fuck it, I'm not gonna um because they're too lazy. Yeah,
I don't. I don't have the answer that. I'm just
you know, they just you know, I'm just asking the
question about because they feel like their vote won't count anyway.
Like here in California, if you're a Republican, your vote
really doesn't matter. If you're in New York, your Republican

(01:30:18):
doesn't really matter. Yeah, I mean if you're in a
battleground state like Michigan, are all hot, and then it
really matters. Yeah, because it could flip um. But I
think It's also some people are are we're worried about
the deep state and people getting their information, and they
don't want to deal with it, and they figure like
they just stay out of the system. I think there's
a lot of those people. Those are the same people

(01:30:38):
that also give their blood to look up their heritage too.
Like you, I don't I'm not, I don't care. I listen.
I'll be dead before you know. It's so who cares?
You know, have at it your years from now. It
won't matter. That's true, all right. Anyway, Uh, let's did
you vote when you were eighteen? Did you vote? Like,
when you became eligible to vote, did you start voting? Oh? Yeah,
I mean I grew up, you know, I my fun memories.

(01:31:01):
You know, I'm so I guess I'm so old now
that my parents my mom was more of a like
a Democrat, my dad more of a Republican, and so
they would fight at dinner fun about politics, right, yeah,
And so I grew up with this as in my childhood.
And but the funny thing is that they didn't like
not talk to each other because they disagreed about politics. Today,

(01:31:22):
you can't even be in the same room with someone
who's in the other party and people are people have
regressed so much. But so yeah, when in my house,
it was like a big deal, and both my parents
tried to get me to vote for their party. When
you're eighteen, you're domb you don't know what that was
going on, right, Yeah, My so my grandmother on my
mom's side, she was from Boston, and uh, my grandfather

(01:31:49):
was a police officer. He was also in the in
the military too. But back in the day, I remember
it because there'd be news talk shows on or the
radio was on, like Paul Harvey of course and whatever. Yeah,
whenever we'd go over there and my dad was with us,
it was always like that political law enforcement conversation and
my grandmother would be peppering my dad or my grandfather

(01:32:11):
questions and obviously conversing. But yeah, they talked about those
things back in the day, and you just you're none
of the wiser until obviously you start paying attention more
to it. But well, I remember too, like we would
watch like sixty Minutes, which was, you know, still on,
and I remember my mom actually wrote a letter. Back
in those days, you had write letters, and they read

(01:32:33):
it at the end of sixty minutes when they had
Andy Rooney. But they had a letter segment. Yeah, and
they read my mom's letter on sixty minutes. I forget
what it was about, but it was like a big
deal in the house, you know. It was like a
big deal. And my mom's letter was read on sixty minutes.
I was like, wow, you know that's pretty good. Yeah, ah,
don't six of sports. Well, I got a few minutes
left her guest out, So anything you want to work

(01:32:53):
in here? Yeah, this was a favorite one that I
know jumped out to you. And since we were talking
earlier about out my car and me being a physical specimen,
how about this. A Tessa vehicle has been tricked now
to accelerating to a speed limit that is a little alarming.

(01:33:15):
On your computers at least back in the day, did
you have any security on your computers or would you
download the security software? Oh yeah, yeah, I would download.
You talk about that virus stuff to protect from viruses? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I did that stuff. So a research company at one
of these industry has actually placed two inch long pieces
of electrical tape horizontally across the three on a thirty

(01:33:40):
five mile per hour speed limit sign and it caused
the Tessa cars that have cameras attached to them to
actually misread the print on the speed limit sign, so
they would actually accelerate from thirty five miles per hour
to eighty five miles per hour. Wow, that's that's uh,

(01:34:03):
that's scary, man. And how do they did it? Didn't
even get in an accident doing this, or there was
there was a controlled situation. No, it wasn't control, but
there were complaints. There was a there's a grand total
of one hundred and twenty seven complaints. They actually were
sent to the National Highway Safety Administration claiming that some
of the models were accelerating decelerating at certain spots and

(01:34:25):
that was because the the speed limit signs that were
posted and so um, it's caused at a grand total
of one hundred and ten crashes so far since those
incidents have been reported. But can you imagine that you're
driving through like oh, I know speed a speed limit
through a school zones twenty five, but they're in a
residential area. I think it's twenty five to thirty. Yeah,

(01:34:48):
you do something like that and you're part of town
in Malibu, then your your game over, especially around like
La where you know. Now the status symbol is the Tesla.
Oh that's it used to be the BMW or the
Mercedes or the Escalade eighties. Now all about that Tesla.
That's a sign of wealth in Los Angeles. How about this.

(01:35:09):
I had a traumatic experience at your Christmas party, but
this is actually a good one. Picking up on all
the women that are there. A Kentucky man was arrested
last weekend after thorities say he attempted to rob a restaurant.
Benno was a Raising Cane's restaurant when he try to
rob it, and there was an office duty. That should
be capital murder if you try to jack a Raising

(01:35:31):
Cane chicken for your chicken tracks by you could you
imagine trying to rob something and there's an off duty
police officer just hanging out in the middle of the
night in that same location. It happened at ten o'clock
at night in Louisville, Kentucky. He obviously went to the register,
demanded some cash, shut off his gun, and that's when

(01:35:52):
a couple off duty police officers are actually inside and
obviously arrested him and popped him. So that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah,
you gotta be care. You know, you think like, well,
there's no police around, but sometimes the police when they're
off work still I guess still got guns with them,
and I never know. That's why you shouldn't do this
kind of stupid stuff, because you never know there might
be just some random off duty cop that's got they

(01:36:14):
got their gun with them, and you ordered somebody that
has a gun who's not a copy the way, it's
a bad situation. Have you ever had a gun flashed
at you? No, I've not. I've not to know I
had that. No. No, okay, you want to flash a
gun at me? Now you're no? No, I mean I'm
always just curious. Um, how about this? Um kent County, Kentucky,
so we're stay in Kentucky. UM. A district judge has

(01:36:38):
actually ordered the Kentucky Transportation Cabinet to pay a man
attorney fees uh and more in one hundred and fifty
thousand dollars worth the litigation costs because he was denied
a personal license plate that said I'm god, you know
I saw this story and now but this is just

(01:36:59):
he's not getting the money. It's attorney feast. Yes, So
it's really just it would be better if he was
getting the money. Yeah, unfortunately, he's just paying the attorneys.
Yet again, who wins a lawsuit? It's always the attorneys. Yeah,
it's always the attorneys. They're the ones that win. And
you should never call an attorney and ask if you
have a case. You know why, they're gonna say yes,

(01:37:21):
because they get paid. Even if you don't have a case,
they're gonna get paid. Yeah. Right, come on. It's pretty
damn good though. That's they're ace in the hole right there.
But could you imagine having a license plate and says
I'm got on it, especially on your horrid car. What
my car? Leave my car out of this. I know
you're jealous in my car. I think it's kind of ugly,

(01:37:43):
you know. Steve Harvey, America's entertainer Steve Harvey, walked by
my car told his security guard that I liked the
color of that car. How about this here in Los
Angeles one of nine people charge in LA or POT
for voter fraud scheme. That was not amongst the dead

(01:38:06):
ben but they are actually throughout skid row. So there's
different spots here in LA, like downtown Los Angeles near
Dodger Stadium, near Hollywood, near the Hollywood Bowl, where they
would consider so many spots obviously dangerous but skid row.
This man pleaded guilty and was sentenced to a year

(01:38:27):
in county jail. Homeless people were given cash and cigarettes
exchange for fraudulent signatures on ballot initiative petitions and voter
registration forms just last year. Isn't that how they do
it in Chicago, where they have the dead people voting.
I guess in LA we get the homeless people who

(01:38:47):
I guess some of them are eligible to vote though, Right,
but you don't have an address? No, I have an
address to vote? No, don't, Well, you don't have a
driver's life send Where do they send the ballot? I
don't know. If a peel box, I would imagine. Right.
Do you think the home must have po box? No? No,
I'm saying if someone's fraudently setting this up, then they
probably put some kind of po box that would be

(01:39:08):
on there. Yeah, I don't know. All right, let's put
the baby to bed, guest gun all right, if you want,
that's fine. I know you showed up late. I didn't
show up late. You did showed up. You showed up late.
You were fifteen twenty minutes later. I have to drive
far to get to where I work. I don't have
to roll out. I don't get to roll out of
bed like you do. Hold on, say, let me get
my little violin out here. We'll play my little violin

(01:39:29):
the world's smallest violin. I have it just for this
because you are the Hindenburg. That's what you are. That's
your nickname. The new nickname is the Hindenburg. Wow. Yeah,
I could have gone Mount Saint Helen's. I could have
gone Titanic Demo or something like that, you know. Yeah,
you could have the Challenger, Yeah, chal Exon Valdis, I
think I used that one earlier. What else the Chernobyl

(01:39:49):
that's right? Wow? Yeah, it could have been a race
car driver in Lamon's. I don't know. I could have
been was that loose Tonza, right or whatever it's called
sincond remember? Yeah? That's yeah. Please can we stop with
all this death talk? And I mean listen, have a
great weekend, enjoy the XFL this weekend and the Astros scandal.

(01:40:10):
Will have the latest developments on that, and enjoy yourself. Hey,
and to follow me on Instagram. Ben maller On Fox.
I'm trying to get my followers up close to a
thousand right now, so I need to get a few
more this weekend and that would help out. And I'm
planning on having another Mallard food review on Instagram this weekend,
so it's very exciting. Yeah, you make sure you follow

(01:40:32):
me on Instagram too. Dave Gascon is the ig handle,
you know. I have plenty of glamour shots on there, um,
exercise nutrition tips on there. I try cooking for ben
every once in a while. If green, healthy, nutritious food disgusting,
I gotta go. All right, thank you, have a great weekend.
Aloha means goodbye, say a nara of even the chow.

(01:40:56):
Bye bye, car. Get right to the romance and find
the way to wow this Valentine's with one eight hundred
flowers dot com. From classic roses and bouquets to decadent
chocolate covered berries, gourmet treats and more. Surprise your Valentine
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(01:41:18):
or upgrade to twenty four red roses for ten dollars more.
Go to one eight hundred flowers dot com slash tune in.
That's one eight hundred flowers dot com slash tune in.

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The Fifth Hour - Poop Festival

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Ben Maller

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