December 13, 2025 • 30 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a great Saturday podcast for you! He talks: Fork in the Road with a Helmet, No Trip to the IE, Phrase of the Week, & more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Cut booms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a sol fastion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mahller starts right now in.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
The air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler
and Danny g Radio. A happy Saturday to you as
we are recording this early in the morning. You listen
whenever you want. You don't have to listen today. Obviously
a lot of people listen throughout the week. But we
are here early on a Saturday, as the NFL will
(00:50):
continue tomorrow. We had Shade Jogis Alexander mess with the
basketball gods. I guess that was the story that would
have been a monologue last night. He talked about the
thunder trying to set the record for wins and people
up in arms.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
You're messing with the basketball gods? What are you doing?
You know, all that nonsense. We will not talk about
that here.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Instead, on this podcast, we have the choice love train true,
and in addition to that, we will have time permitting
the phrase of the week. But we begin with this,
there is a truth that does not require sources.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
There's a truth that does not require sources.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
You don't need analytics, you don't need somebody who's verified
on social media, you don't need one of those big
daytime people. Listen, there's a difference, and we've talked about
this a lot over the last couple of years on
this podcast, and it's not a slight difference between daytime
(01:55):
sports radio and nighttime sports radio. It's not a moderate upgrade.
It's not a slightly better ZIP code. It's a totally
different ecosystem. The operation during the day it's like Planet
per Dium. You get SUVs with tinted windows that pick
(02:17):
you up and take you to work. You've got private
garages and security guards that outnumber producers and just just
all that.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
All that.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
The daytime guys broadcasts from gated communities with hedge hedges
that are manicured with precision, and they've got people that
look out for them and all that stuff. They have
parking spots that are reserved for them, and all that stuff.
Now when you do the overnight show. We fend for ourselves.
We fend for ourselves. It's a badge of honor.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Right. We travel light.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
We don't have an entourage, we don't have seven producers,
and all of our travel paid for, and all that
we live dangerously. For example, the male praying that the
check engine light is merely decorative. In fact, this weekend,
the malamobile is sitting in a repair shop as we
speak right now. More on that later, which brings me
(03:12):
to earlier in the week. Sofi Stadium, or as it
is affectionately called by our friend, Sofa stadium, because it
looks like something you'd recline on while watching a rerun
of House Hunters, or you just don't know how to
pronounce so far.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
So just it looks like it might be sofas it's
called sofa.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
It's proudly in Inglewood, in the hood and up to
no good, a neighborhood that blends clamor grit like a
cocktail that shouldn't work but somehow does. And I was there.
I was there from Monday night football last week. The
Philadelphia football team was in town to take on the Chargers, and,
(03:56):
as is the normal case, I have to leave early
to beat the traffic. So as the fourth quarter began,
I did what every overnight sports talk radio host who
attends games has to do.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I left early.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
Not out of disrespect, not trying to mess with the
football gods, but out of survival. There is a show
to do and the commute I must endure. And because
of the circadian rhythm that I have and being up
all night and actually having to be on time. One
of the things about these jobs you can't be late.
(04:30):
You can't be late. You got to be when the
show starts at a certain time. You can't push it back,
be like I'll be there ten minutes later. No, no,
you got to be there when it starts. So as
I exited so Fi or Sofa Stadium through the VIP
media entrance, I was immediately confronted with what we call
(04:51):
the choice. I was confronted with the choice. Some would say,
it's a fourk in the road now number one. Option
Number one was I could turn right now. If you
turn right, I had a short walk to the malmobile
safety predictability. Those were all the options on Option one
to the right now. Option two was to the left.
(05:13):
That was a much longer walk. That would have taken
me past the NFL Network studios and past the old
Great Western Forum where it's called something else now, but
the Lakers used to play and the Kings played there
back in the day. So option two left turn longer
walk past the NFL Network, possibly also the Forum.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
As I said, and if the stars.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Were to align, there would be a run in with
a man known as Helmet Man, a character on the show.
Now for those that are somehow unfamiliar with the legend
that is Helmet Man, and shame on you if you are,
it's a bad job by you. He is not merely
a character in the Malard militia. He is an institution,
(05:59):
Helmet Man. I have known this man since the nineteen nineties.
It's been a generation plus that I've known Helmet Man
back when local radio was loud and unfiltered and gave
strong opinions, even criticized the local teams right and was
one bad caller away from FCC intervention. Not now where
(06:22):
it's grab ass and rah rah and all that. Now,
Helmet Man is from Baltimore. And if you didn't know
Helmet Man was from Baltimore, you just have to run
into him wearing his Oriole stuff or his Raven stuff
or whatever. And when I say he's from Baltimore, not
just casually, it's like a religious situation for Helmet Man.
(06:43):
The man famously once appeared. I ran into him downtown
Los Angeles, just adjacent to skid Row at the arena
formerly known as Staples Center, and he was wearing a
full Baltimore Orioles uniform, not just the jersey, not a hat,
the uniform, batting gloves, he had the helmet. He was
(07:04):
doing cal Ripken cosplay, and it was as if Camden
Yards had sprouted legs and wandered to the West Coast
and he was waiting to go into the batter's box
for the Orioles. So Helmet Man, let's just say he's
semi retired. He does sell memorabilia. He sells what some
(07:24):
would call crap, other people would say very valuable items.
At least the items strongly resemble memorabilia.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I don't know if they actually are or not.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
But outside of NFL network, and he's called into the
Overnight Show a few times, he always says, well, are
you going to be at the game, And I'm like, well,
I don't know, if I'll be at the game. And
then I said, well I'll be at the game, and
say okay, I'm gonna be there. And so think of
helmet Man as a roaming museum gift shop. There is
no return policy. He only takes cash, and the often,
(07:58):
you know, he often tis of the items. It's questionable.
So naturally, again we go back to the choice. I
had option one, option two I chose. Naturally, I chose
option number two. And Overnight Radio trains you to embrace
the absurd, and we love it. We look forward to
it that the daytime shows take calls from Steven Scott
(08:22):
style and let's go to Mikensan Francisco the overnight talk show.
Though we get mouthwash Mike telling us how he's been
banned from all the MGM properties and all the Caesars properties,
and yet he wants to go swimming through the fountains
at the Belagio. That's mouthwash Mike, right, followed by a
call from Jet who fled Who's calling from a shed
(08:46):
whispering about some nonsense and then dropping Glenn Beck's name
in while listening to a police scanner hoping not to
get caught. You don't avoid the weirdness. You kind of
lean into it. You got to lean into it when
you do night show. So I started walking and walking.
So I walked out of the gate I was supposed
to be at. I made the left turn. I walked
(09:08):
down about one hundred yards and then I had to
make another turn. I had to turn left. So then
I turned left, and I kept walking and walking and
walking and walking. It felt less like leaving a stadium
and more like wandering the Sahara Desert, except instead of
sand dunes, I was surrounded by hot dog vendors rhythmically
(09:30):
tapping their grills, chanting hot TC, hot Doc, got Doc,
Hot Doc. The bacon wrapped hot dog, a staple, that
sausage that glistened under the fluorescent lights of these little carts,
just a staple of southern California.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Go into sport events, and the smell kind of clung.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
In the air.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It was like a at tax almost. You could smell
the tacks and you're like trying to tempt you to
get one of their hot dogs.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
So I passed by those people. I kept going. I walked,
I walked, I walked.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I passed a couple of dumpsters, and I did not
realize this at the time, but I was given a show.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
It was a walk in a show.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
So I'm going past the dumpsters and I got our
own Olympic diving. Someone call it dumpster diving. And these
men dove in there with the grace of a gymnast,
chasing recyclable glory. It was gritty, it was chaotic, it
was dirty, it was smelly. It was unmistakably la or
in this case, in the hood in Inglewood. Now I
(10:26):
am happy to report that eventually I did reach the
NFL network building, the Promised Land, and I saw the
logo right there, the propaganda arm of the NFL, the
state sponsored media, all that. So I looked at it
to the left. I then went to the right. I
went back to the left. I went back to the
(10:47):
right and pressed DOW. What did I see? A whole
giant bag of nothing. A whole giant bag of nothing.
Zippo helmet Man was nowhere to be found. Now I
carefully planned game. I again had a fork in the road.
(11:09):
I go right, go left, I went left, and yeah,
the spin off of Where's Waldo and it's Where's helmet Man?
Had collapsed. There was no helmet man. There was no
man wearing orio gear, no rogue memorabilia merchant in the
night lurking in the shadows. Nope, my plan was foiled
(11:30):
yet again. So I turned back. I found the malamobile
and began the nightly pilgrimage to the palatial studios just
down the hill from bel Air in beautiful Sherman Oaks, California.
A phrase that sounds luxurious until you're circling the parking
lot in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So inside the studio I made it safely.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
I was continuing my copious amounts of preparation for the
over show, and I watched the final moments of the
Monday night football game that did go to overtime, overtime
before the Chargers pulled it off.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Very nice of Jane on Hurst to turn the ball
over five times in that game. So that was that.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
I watched the end of the Monday night game getting
ready for my show, kind of calm, quiet and the
just mellowness before the madness, the mellowness before the madness.
So then I get a call on my phone and
as I don't know who that is, and I answer
the phone and say it's Ben. Hey, is this Ben Mahler.
(12:39):
It's helmet Man on the other month, I said, of
course it was. Of course it was. Come on, helmet Man,
you know you called me. What do you think somebody
else is gonna answer my phone? All right, so you
realize you're like the only guy left that uses that technology. Yeah,
what do you think about the oil? That is a
(12:59):
classic line, helmet man, We just got a new drop,
so I answered immediately, and then was interrogated. And then
I interrogated him. That's what seasoned detectives do. He asked
where I was. I said, what do you mean where
I was? You told me you were going to be
outside the NFL Network building. You were not there, and
(13:22):
he sighed and he said you know because I said
what happened? And helmet Man says, I didn't make it
to the game. I said, I know that I was there.
I didn't see you, So why didn't you make it
the game? And then came the most helmet man answer imaginable.
He said, in a straight, dead pan delivery, I was
(13:45):
in the shower. What he said, I got in the shower,
and he said he stayed for roughly ninety minutes and
he missed the bus that he was supposed to. Apparently
he doesn't live right next I thought he lived right
next to Sofia.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
He does not.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
He takes a bus there. He missed the bus. So
ninety minutes. Let me remind it, ninety minutes to do something.
Most people doing about two minutes ninety minute shower and
the rest of us are able to navigate this shower
and a limited amount of time. But Helmet Man, he
was like marinating like a human tea bag in the shower,
(14:24):
and that right.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
There is what we do. That is the type that
we get.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Helmet Man in the shower for ninety minutes, even though
he'd said on the air's like I got to meet you.
I want to meet you right in from the NFL network. Okay, fine,
we'll do it.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I'm actually on the live air. Yes you're on the.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
And there we were, so and listen. I would not
trade this for anything.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I have a great time with the people that are
characters on the show, and.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
The fact that it's just real. It's just different, right,
It's raw.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
It's the wild wild West of podcasting, populated by night
shift workers and zombiacs, truck drivers, conspiracy theorists, loyal foot
soldiers in the malord militia and beyond.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
And it's a.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Little community, little community bonded not by the ratings, not
by contract bonuses or even any raises at all, not
by valet parking, not by being sent on trips on
the company dime.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
No no, no, by shared chaos.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
The daytime guys they get all the gadgets and the
gizmos and the dew hickeys, and they get their ass
kissed and all that stuff. But we have recurring characters
who disappear for ninety minutes or longer to take a shower.
You'd think this would be the cleanest person in the world.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
And somewhere in all of this madness, a new holiday
tradition was born. Forget the hottest gadget, forget the AI toaster,
forget whatever the tech people in.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Northern California are selling you this week.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
The hottest gift for kids this Christmas, Sitting proudly atop
Santa's wish list is Where's Waldo two point zero?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
The helmet Man addition.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Now it's the same premise, all right, the same premise,
but it's a much tougher game. Instead of a striped shirt.
Instead of striped shirt. You're searching for a roaming Baltimore
sports logo like an oriole hat or a raven ad
something along night along those lines. Who may or may
not be wearing a full uniform, you never know, and
(16:35):
may or may not be selling quote authentic memorabilia, and
may or may not be stuck in the shower while
the rest of the world is at the stadium. So
the difficulty level on the new game here, Where's Waldo?
The two point zero the Helmet Man Edition? The difficulty
level is extreme, The odds are long, the payoff pure
(16:57):
overnight radio bliss underpast the chanting hot dog vendors, hot Dog,
hot Dog, hot Dog, hot Dog. You dodge dumpster divers,
You circle NFL Network like a detective under flickering lights,
and just when you think you've lost the phone rings,
(17:18):
it's helmet Man. He wasn't there, he was never there,
but somehow he still wins.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
See that is overnight.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Radio in a nutshell, a world that again, the daytime
guys will just never understand. They don't get it. And
where's helmet Man exactly? That's the point. Where is Helmet Man?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
All right? Now turning the page on that I was.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
I didn't want to mention this story because we talk
about the life of Mather, a life of.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Danny g when Danny joins us every once in a while.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
But I was summoned. I was summoned to the Inland Empire.
If you're not familiar with the geography of southern California,
it's called the Inland Empire for a reason. You spend
about five hours in traffic to get there. So this
was last weekend, and I was not subpoened. Normally people
go to that part of town because you're subpoened. I
(18:11):
wasn't extradited. I was requested. And there's a difference between
being subpoened, extradited, and requested. When your presence is requested
for a concert featuring the OJS, the Commodores and Sister Sledge,
you don't ask any follow up questions, You don't check
(18:32):
the weather.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
You just hop in the malamobile.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
You load up the wife and your caravan, and you
get out there and meet a bunch of her coworkers,
and you point yourself towards Ontario like you're chasing the
final clue in a late night scavenger hunt. So the
marketing copy that I was given for this shindig promised
timeless hits, unforgettable music, which is always interesting phrasing.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I always interesting.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
Phrasing because if something is truly timeless, if I have
somebody's timeless, it technically shouldn't need to be remembered. It
should just exist, like gravity, for example, or Costco's rotisserie chickens.
They just exist. There's no rhyme or reason. They just
(19:22):
happen to exist. And if you're new to the mal
Ard militia or relatively new, here's the thing about me
and music. I was not born with the music gene.
I am deficient in the music gene. I like music.
I listen to music, however, it's mostly like wallpaper. It
(19:43):
kind of fills up space. I respond to rhythm, to
the beat, to the vibe. I respond to that. Lyrics
are often just syllables writing shotgun and a lot of
people in my life love the lyrics and they love
to remember the lyrics. With rare exceptions, I don't. Johnny Cash,
for example, would be one the man in Black. I
(20:07):
hear words that he says and I just know the lyrics.
I feel like I'm being told the story, not just
a nudge into the mood. So again, walking into this
concert hall, it felt like an odd juxtaposition. It did,
because there are groups whose songs I have referenced.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
These groups, are you know?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
I've referenced these songs regularly over the years on the
radio show, but mostly as linguistic tools. If you haven't
figured out by now, and I'm putting together a monologue,
I put bullet points together. But one of the things
I like to do is spice it up a little
Kayenne Pepper and their little Hallapano. And so something strange happened.
(20:52):
As I was settling into my seat to watch all
of these old school groups get together.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
It hit me.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
That not emotionally like a Pixar moment. It wasn't one
of those things, not intellectually like realizing you've been unknowingly
speaking these tunes your entire life. I was there for nostalgia.
I was there for I guess recognition. I don't know
if that's the right word. But for example, take the Commodores,
(21:23):
and that is a group it was very popular million
years ago. I have used brick House forever. A team
does not shoot the ball well on a given night
in the NBA.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
They are a break house.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
I've done that, a team clanking jumpers like they've been
sponsored by a home depot, brick house. And they have
another song, the Commodore's Night Shift. Now that's not just
a song, that is a that's kind of the soundtrack
of my life. That that's me driving through the north
Woods at three forty in the morning, whatever it might be,
(22:00):
living life on vampire hours, doing radio while the rest
of the world snores. Some even call up to snore,
like hollering James. So I didn't learn those things. I
absorbed them and they became part of my language. Same
(22:20):
for the Ojs. Not that oj he's dead, but the Ojays,
another old school group. They came up with the tune
love Train True True, and that is a recurring bit.
We talk about Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift. They're on
the love train. True Yeah, I love train pulling into
the station, a locker room romance.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
All of the above and sunshine.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
That's the sonic equivalent of saying a team had good vibes,
good juju, solar powered optimism, and you don't analyze it,
you just kind of deployed. Then there is cis Sledge
now Price, I don't care about Sisters Sledge. I don't
even know what that is. Well, one of their songs
(23:06):
was amazing back in the day. It was that we
are familyite, we are family Now. I have used that
phrase so many times it might as well be stamped
on my forehead. And teams who are really clicking, like
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma State really clicking for the most part.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Right.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
The word that people love to use because there's no
way to debunk it is chemistry and that and so
we are family not just a song. It's a shorthanded cohesion.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
It's for harmony, for vibes, all that.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
And yes, it was in the late nineteen seventies the
soundtrack for the Pittsburg Pirates the Buckos, which means it lives.
It does live at the intersection of sports, music and mythology.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
The late great Dave Parker.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Parker was part of this podcast and was part of
the Pirates in the late nineteen seventies and all that stuff.
So listen, that matters. Context matters as well. And here's
the fun fact that grounded the whole week. And I
love I love this because I was like, I was
like well, these guys are all.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
New members of the Commodorees and the ojs.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Well not so fast, my friend, This guy, William King,
the trumpet player and co founder of the Commodores, happened
to be there and happened to be performing the only
original founding members still performing since the nineteen sixties. That
is not nostalgia. That is con continuity or whatever the
word is. And he's like, guy's like a living artifact,
(24:44):
is what I'm trying to say. It's like seeing a
handwritten copy of the Constitution. And my goodness, and suddenly
I realized something somewhat upset, upsettling or unsettling, I should
say unsettling.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
That these songs phones were not just background music.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
It was really again I go back to the point
I made, It was infrastructure that they have shaped so
much of.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
How I have talked.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
And again I'm not the biggest music guy and all
that stuff, but how I frame monologues, how I explain
sports to people who don't really like sports, and I
try to mix in different references to keep people engaged
that aren't sports people. And I've been using those tracks
the way a philosopher uses a metaphor, a comedian used
(25:34):
callbacks and all that stuff. It's just part of the
operating system. So I didn't go out to the ie
as they call it.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
I went there.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
I didn't go there to rediscover music. I just went
out there and realized that I have been unknowingly carrying
these tunes in my head for some time. And the
groups were all great. It was a lot of fun. So, yeah,
I still don't have the music gene. I don't want
you well know you're a music guy, but no I'm not.
(26:02):
I still don't have the music gene. I probably never
will at this point. But standing there in Ontario, surrounded
by songs and groups that I'd kind of heard of
in the past, I was like, oh, that's pretty cool.
That's pretty And so sometimes the soundtrack isn't there to
move you, it's there to explain you. And that's not nostalgia.
(26:24):
That's the love train you're always having, you know, always
always having that available to you.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
And I guess it's left the station and all that stuff,
and there you go.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
So that was my weekend a week ago, as we
had a grand old time with a couple of old groups,
the OJ's and the Commodorees and sister Sledge.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And and all that time. Now though for the phrase
of the week.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
That's right, the phrase of the week, and this from
Scott in Florida. He says, what about the phrase rules
are made to be broken? Okay, well that's a magical moment. Now,
this phrase is very old, very old. It was popularized
(27:15):
by war hero General Douglas MacArthur. General Douglas MacArthur famously
said rules are mostly made to be broken and are
too often for the lazy to hide behind. And so
that was that that quote, which is not even one
(27:35):
hundred years old, that goes back to like the nineteen
fifties MacArthur, General MacArthur popularized the phrase. However, it was
already present in the proverbs of the time.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
It wasn't new.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
The sentiment is older than any single source, and so
I tried to find exactly who did they credit General
MacArthur for the modern use of the phrase.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
For the modern usage, and it's.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Seen as a rebellious like a justification for bending the
rules and going full cheating astro.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Now it's not just General MacArthur.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Sam Walton, the founder of the Walmart chain, which has
become the largest for like twenty years. It's the largest
corporation in the world, just massive, and so. Sam Walton,
in his autobiography wrote that the most important rule in
business is to break all of the rules. He also
(28:41):
gave a preference to rule breakers when hiring employees, as
he considered them a superior worker for not just following
and doing the bare minimum, going above and beyond the
bare minimum. And many of the greatest scientists, many of
(29:01):
the greatest inventors engineers of American history also known as
rule breakers. Yeah, I know Henry Ford with his moving
assembly line and the welfare capitalism. The Wright brothers with
their fixed wing aircraft are a couple of examples of that,
(29:23):
where you know, sometimes you need to bend rules. Now
there are gray areas, what the astros.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Did is not a gray area. They're dirty dolls, dirty
dirty dort dorty dolls.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
So the phrase of the week again, rules are made
to be broken, which the modern usage is credited to
General Douglas MacArthur. However, it goes way back before that,
way back. There's no one person that is being credited
because it goes a million.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Years back in time. All right, we'll get out on that.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Have a wonderful st enjoy whatever you're up to today
and Daniel joined me for the Mailbag on Sunday on
that edition of the podcast, Have a Wonderful Saturday to
be part of God.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
What's it been about the Wizard about Folation
Cut booms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a sol fastion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mahller starts right now in.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
The air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler
and Danny g Radio. A happy Saturday to you as
we are recording this early in the morning. You listen
whenever you want. You don't have to listen today. Obviously
a lot of people listen throughout the week. But we
are here early on a Saturday, as the NFL will
(00:50):
continue tomorrow. We had Shade Jogis Alexander mess with the
basketball gods. I guess that was the story that would
have been a monologue last night. He talked about the
thunder trying to set the record for wins and people
up in arms.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
You're messing with the basketball gods? What are you doing?
You know, all that nonsense. We will not talk about
that here.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Instead, on this podcast, we have the choice love train true,
and in addition to that, we will have time permitting
the phrase of the week. But we begin with this,
there is a truth that does not require sources.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
There's a truth that does not require sources.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
You don't need analytics, you don't need somebody who's verified
on social media, you don't need one of those big
daytime people. Listen, there's a difference, and we've talked about
this a lot over the last couple of years on
this podcast, and it's not a slight difference between daytime
(01:55):
sports radio and nighttime sports radio. It's not a moderate upgrade.
It's not a slightly better ZIP code. It's a totally
different ecosystem. The operation during the day it's like Planet
per Dium. You get SUVs with tinted windows that pick
(02:17):
you up and take you to work. You've got private
garages and security guards that outnumber producers and just just
all that.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
All that.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
The daytime guys broadcasts from gated communities with hedge hedges
that are manicured with precision, and they've got people that
look out for them and all that stuff. They have
parking spots that are reserved for them, and all that stuff.
Now when you do the overnight show. We fend for ourselves.
We fend for ourselves. It's a badge of honor.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Right. We travel light.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
We don't have an entourage, we don't have seven producers,
and all of our travel paid for, and all that
we live dangerously. For example, the male praying that the
check engine light is merely decorative. In fact, this weekend,
the malamobile is sitting in a repair shop as we
speak right now. More on that later, which brings me
(03:12):
to earlier in the week. Sofi Stadium, or as it
is affectionately called by our friend, Sofa stadium, because it
looks like something you'd recline on while watching a rerun
of House Hunters, or you just don't know how to
pronounce so far.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
So just it looks like it might be sofas it's
called sofa.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
It's proudly in Inglewood, in the hood and up to
no good, a neighborhood that blends clamor grit like a
cocktail that shouldn't work but somehow does. And I was there.
I was there from Monday night football last week. The
Philadelphia football team was in town to take on the Chargers, and,
(03:56):
as is the normal case, I have to leave early
to beat the traffic. So as the fourth quarter began,
I did what every overnight sports talk radio host who
attends games has to do.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I left early.
Speaker 3 (04:10):
Not out of disrespect, not trying to mess with the
football gods, but out of survival. There is a show
to do and the commute I must endure. And because
of the circadian rhythm that I have and being up
all night and actually having to be on time. One
of the things about these jobs you can't be late.
(04:30):
You can't be late. You got to be when the
show starts at a certain time. You can't push it back,
be like I'll be there ten minutes later. No, no,
you got to be there when it starts. So as
I exited so Fi or Sofa Stadium through the VIP
media entrance, I was immediately confronted with what we call
(04:51):
the choice. I was confronted with the choice. Some would say,
it's a fourk in the road now number one. Option
Number one was I could turn right now. If you
turn right, I had a short walk to the malmobile
safety predictability. Those were all the options on Option one
to the right now. Option two was to the left.
(05:13):
That was a much longer walk. That would have taken
me past the NFL Network studios and past the old
Great Western Forum where it's called something else now, but
the Lakers used to play and the Kings played there
back in the day. So option two left turn longer
walk past the NFL Network, possibly also the Forum.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
As I said, and if the stars.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Were to align, there would be a run in with
a man known as Helmet Man, a character on the show.
Now for those that are somehow unfamiliar with the legend
that is Helmet Man, and shame on you if you are,
it's a bad job by you. He is not merely
a character in the Malard militia. He is an institution,
(05:59):
Helmet Man. I have known this man since the nineteen nineties.
It's been a generation plus that I've known Helmet Man
back when local radio was loud and unfiltered and gave
strong opinions, even criticized the local teams right and was
one bad caller away from FCC intervention. Not now where
(06:22):
it's grab ass and rah rah and all that. Now,
Helmet Man is from Baltimore. And if you didn't know
Helmet Man was from Baltimore, you just have to run
into him wearing his Oriole stuff or his Raven stuff
or whatever. And when I say he's from Baltimore, not
just casually, it's like a religious situation for Helmet Man.
(06:43):
The man famously once appeared. I ran into him downtown
Los Angeles, just adjacent to skid Row at the arena
formerly known as Staples Center, and he was wearing a
full Baltimore Orioles uniform, not just the jersey, not a hat,
the uniform, batting gloves, he had the helmet. He was
(07:04):
doing cal Ripken cosplay, and it was as if Camden
Yards had sprouted legs and wandered to the West Coast
and he was waiting to go into the batter's box
for the Orioles. So Helmet Man, let's just say he's
semi retired. He does sell memorabilia. He sells what some
(07:24):
would call crap, other people would say very valuable items.
At least the items strongly resemble memorabilia.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
I don't know if they actually are or not.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
But outside of NFL network, and he's called into the
Overnight Show a few times, he always says, well, are
you going to be at the game, And I'm like, well,
I don't know, if I'll be at the game. And
then I said, well I'll be at the game, and
say okay, I'm gonna be there. And so think of
helmet Man as a roaming museum gift shop. There is
no return policy. He only takes cash, and the often,
(07:58):
you know, he often tis of the items. It's questionable.
So naturally, again we go back to the choice. I
had option one, option two I chose. Naturally, I chose
option number two. And Overnight Radio trains you to embrace
the absurd, and we love it. We look forward to
it that the daytime shows take calls from Steven Scott
(08:22):
style and let's go to Mikensan Francisco the overnight talk show.
Though we get mouthwash Mike telling us how he's been
banned from all the MGM properties and all the Caesars properties,
and yet he wants to go swimming through the fountains
at the Belagio. That's mouthwash Mike, right, followed by a
call from Jet who fled Who's calling from a shed
(08:46):
whispering about some nonsense and then dropping Glenn Beck's name
in while listening to a police scanner hoping not to
get caught. You don't avoid the weirdness. You kind of
lean into it. You got to lean into it when
you do night show. So I started walking and walking.
So I walked out of the gate I was supposed
to be at. I made the left turn. I walked
(09:08):
down about one hundred yards and then I had to
make another turn. I had to turn left. So then
I turned left, and I kept walking and walking and
walking and walking. It felt less like leaving a stadium
and more like wandering the Sahara Desert, except instead of
sand dunes, I was surrounded by hot dog vendors rhythmically
(09:30):
tapping their grills, chanting hot TC, hot Doc, got Doc,
Hot Doc. The bacon wrapped hot dog, a staple, that
sausage that glistened under the fluorescent lights of these little carts,
just a staple of southern California.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Go into sport events, and the smell kind of clung.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
In the air.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It was like a at tax almost. You could smell
the tacks and you're like trying to tempt you to
get one of their hot dogs.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
So I passed by those people. I kept going. I walked,
I walked, I walked.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I passed a couple of dumpsters, and I did not
realize this at the time, but I was given a show.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
It was a walk in a show.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
So I'm going past the dumpsters and I got our
own Olympic diving. Someone call it dumpster diving. And these
men dove in there with the grace of a gymnast,
chasing recyclable glory. It was gritty, it was chaotic, it
was dirty, it was smelly. It was unmistakably la or
in this case, in the hood in Inglewood. Now I
(10:26):
am happy to report that eventually I did reach the
NFL network building, the Promised Land, and I saw the
logo right there, the propaganda arm of the NFL, the
state sponsored media, all that. So I looked at it
to the left. I then went to the right. I
went back to the left. I went back to the
(10:47):
right and pressed DOW. What did I see? A whole
giant bag of nothing. A whole giant bag of nothing.
Zippo helmet Man was nowhere to be found. Now I
carefully planned game. I again had a fork in the road.
(11:09):
I go right, go left, I went left, and yeah,
the spin off of Where's Waldo and it's Where's helmet Man?
Had collapsed. There was no helmet man. There was no
man wearing orio gear, no rogue memorabilia merchant in the
night lurking in the shadows. Nope, my plan was foiled
(11:30):
yet again. So I turned back. I found the malamobile
and began the nightly pilgrimage to the palatial studios just
down the hill from bel Air in beautiful Sherman Oaks, California.
A phrase that sounds luxurious until you're circling the parking
lot in the middle of the night.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So inside the studio I made it safely.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
I was continuing my copious amounts of preparation for the
over show, and I watched the final moments of the
Monday night football game that did go to overtime, overtime
before the Chargers pulled it off.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Very nice of Jane on Hurst to turn the ball
over five times in that game. So that was that.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
I watched the end of the Monday night game getting
ready for my show, kind of calm, quiet and the
just mellowness before the madness, the mellowness before the madness.
So then I get a call on my phone and
as I don't know who that is, and I answer
the phone and say it's Ben. Hey, is this Ben Mahler.
(12:39):
It's helmet Man on the other month, I said, of
course it was. Of course it was. Come on, helmet Man,
you know you called me. What do you think somebody
else is gonna answer my phone? All right, so you
realize you're like the only guy left that uses that technology. Yeah,
what do you think about the oil? That is a
(12:59):
classic line, helmet man, We just got a new drop,
so I answered immediately, and then was interrogated. And then
I interrogated him. That's what seasoned detectives do. He asked
where I was. I said, what do you mean where
I was? You told me you were going to be
outside the NFL Network building. You were not there, and
(13:22):
he sighed and he said you know because I said
what happened? And helmet Man says, I didn't make it
to the game. I said, I know that I was there.
I didn't see you, So why didn't you make it
the game? And then came the most helmet man answer imaginable.
He said, in a straight, dead pan delivery, I was
(13:45):
in the shower. What he said, I got in the shower,
and he said he stayed for roughly ninety minutes and
he missed the bus that he was supposed to. Apparently
he doesn't live right next I thought he lived right
next to Sofia.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
He does not.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
He takes a bus there. He missed the bus. So
ninety minutes. Let me remind it, ninety minutes to do something.
Most people doing about two minutes ninety minute shower and
the rest of us are able to navigate this shower
and a limited amount of time. But Helmet Man, he
was like marinating like a human tea bag in the shower,
(14:24):
and that right.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
There is what we do. That is the type that
we get.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Helmet Man in the shower for ninety minutes, even though
he'd said on the air's like I got to meet you.
I want to meet you right in from the NFL network. Okay, fine,
we'll do it.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I'm actually on the live air. Yes you're on the.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
And there we were, so and listen. I would not
trade this for anything.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
I have a great time with the people that are
characters on the show, and.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
The fact that it's just real. It's just different, right,
It's raw.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
It's the wild wild West of podcasting, populated by night
shift workers and zombiacs, truck drivers, conspiracy theorists, loyal foot
soldiers in the malord militia and beyond.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
And it's a.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Little community, little community bonded not by the ratings, not
by contract bonuses or even any raises at all, not
by valet parking, not by being sent on trips on
the company dime.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
No no, no, by shared chaos.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
The daytime guys they get all the gadgets and the
gizmos and the dew hickeys, and they get their ass
kissed and all that stuff. But we have recurring characters
who disappear for ninety minutes or longer to take a shower.
You'd think this would be the cleanest person in the world.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
And somewhere in all of this madness, a new holiday
tradition was born. Forget the hottest gadget, forget the AI toaster,
forget whatever the tech people in.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Northern California are selling you this week.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
The hottest gift for kids this Christmas, Sitting proudly atop
Santa's wish list is Where's Waldo two point zero?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
The helmet Man addition.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Now it's the same premise, all right, the same premise,
but it's a much tougher game. Instead of a striped shirt.
Instead of striped shirt. You're searching for a roaming Baltimore
sports logo like an oriole hat or a raven ad
something along night along those lines. Who may or may
not be wearing a full uniform, you never know, and
(16:35):
may or may not be selling quote authentic memorabilia, and
may or may not be stuck in the shower while
the rest of the world is at the stadium. So
the difficulty level on the new game here, Where's Waldo?
The two point zero the Helmet Man Edition? The difficulty
level is extreme, The odds are long, the payoff pure
(16:57):
overnight radio bliss underpast the chanting hot dog vendors, hot Dog,
hot Dog, hot Dog, hot Dog. You dodge dumpster divers,
You circle NFL Network like a detective under flickering lights,
and just when you think you've lost the phone rings,
(17:18):
it's helmet Man. He wasn't there, he was never there,
but somehow he still wins.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
See that is overnight.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Radio in a nutshell, a world that again, the daytime
guys will just never understand. They don't get it. And
where's helmet Man exactly? That's the point. Where is Helmet Man?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
All right? Now turning the page on that I was.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
I didn't want to mention this story because we talk
about the life of Mather, a life of.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Danny g when Danny joins us every once in a while.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
But I was summoned. I was summoned to the Inland Empire.
If you're not familiar with the geography of southern California,
it's called the Inland Empire for a reason. You spend
about five hours in traffic to get there. So this
was last weekend, and I was not subpoened. Normally people
go to that part of town because you're subpoened. I
(18:11):
wasn't extradited. I was requested. And there's a difference between
being subpoened, extradited, and requested. When your presence is requested
for a concert featuring the OJS, the Commodores and Sister Sledge,
you don't ask any follow up questions, You don't check
(18:32):
the weather.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
You just hop in the malamobile.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
You load up the wife and your caravan, and you
get out there and meet a bunch of her coworkers,
and you point yourself towards Ontario like you're chasing the
final clue in a late night scavenger hunt. So the
marketing copy that I was given for this shindig promised
timeless hits, unforgettable music, which is always interesting phrasing.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
I always interesting.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
Phrasing because if something is truly timeless, if I have
somebody's timeless, it technically shouldn't need to be remembered. It
should just exist, like gravity, for example, or Costco's rotisserie chickens.
They just exist. There's no rhyme or reason. They just
(19:22):
happen to exist. And if you're new to the mal
Ard militia or relatively new, here's the thing about me
and music. I was not born with the music gene.
I am deficient in the music gene. I like music.
I listen to music, however, it's mostly like wallpaper. It
(19:43):
kind of fills up space. I respond to rhythm, to
the beat, to the vibe. I respond to that. Lyrics
are often just syllables writing shotgun and a lot of
people in my life love the lyrics and they love
to remember the lyrics. With rare exceptions, I don't. Johnny Cash,
for example, would be one the man in Black. I
(20:07):
hear words that he says and I just know the lyrics.
I feel like I'm being told the story, not just
a nudge into the mood. So again, walking into this
concert hall, it felt like an odd juxtaposition. It did,
because there are groups whose songs I have referenced.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
These groups, are you know?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
I've referenced these songs regularly over the years on the
radio show, but mostly as linguistic tools. If you haven't
figured out by now, and I'm putting together a monologue,
I put bullet points together. But one of the things
I like to do is spice it up a little
Kayenne Pepper and their little Hallapano. And so something strange happened.
(20:52):
As I was settling into my seat to watch all
of these old school groups get together.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
It hit me.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
That not emotionally like a Pixar moment. It wasn't one
of those things, not intellectually like realizing you've been unknowingly
speaking these tunes your entire life. I was there for nostalgia.
I was there for I guess recognition. I don't know
if that's the right word. But for example, take the Commodores,
(21:23):
and that is a group it was very popular million
years ago. I have used brick House forever. A team
does not shoot the ball well on a given night
in the NBA.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
They are a break house.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
I've done that, a team clanking jumpers like they've been
sponsored by a home depot, brick house. And they have
another song, the Commodore's Night Shift. Now that's not just
a song, that is a that's kind of the soundtrack
of my life. That that's me driving through the north
Woods at three forty in the morning, whatever it might be,
(22:00):
living life on vampire hours, doing radio while the rest
of the world snores. Some even call up to snore,
like hollering James. So I didn't learn those things. I
absorbed them and they became part of my language. Same
(22:20):
for the Ojs. Not that oj he's dead, but the Ojays,
another old school group. They came up with the tune
love Train True True, and that is a recurring bit.
We talk about Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift. They're on
the love train. True Yeah, I love train pulling into
the station, a locker room romance.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
All of the above and sunshine.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
That's the sonic equivalent of saying a team had good vibes,
good juju, solar powered optimism, and you don't analyze it,
you just kind of deployed. Then there is cis Sledge
now Price, I don't care about Sisters Sledge. I don't
even know what that is. Well, one of their songs
(23:06):
was amazing back in the day. It was that we
are familyite, we are family Now. I have used that
phrase so many times it might as well be stamped
on my forehead. And teams who are really clicking, like
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma State really clicking for the most part.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Right.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
The word that people love to use because there's no
way to debunk it is chemistry and that and so
we are family not just a song. It's a shorthanded cohesion.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
It's for harmony, for vibes, all that.
Speaker 3 (23:42):
And yes, it was in the late nineteen seventies the
soundtrack for the Pittsburg Pirates the Buckos, which means it lives.
It does live at the intersection of sports, music and mythology.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
The late great Dave Parker.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
Parker was part of this podcast and was part of
the Pirates in the late nineteen seventies and all that stuff.
So listen, that matters. Context matters as well. And here's
the fun fact that grounded the whole week. And I
love I love this because I was like, I was
like well, these guys are all.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
New members of the Commodorees and the ojs.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
Well not so fast, my friend, This guy, William King,
the trumpet player and co founder of the Commodores, happened
to be there and happened to be performing the only
original founding members still performing since the nineteen sixties. That
is not nostalgia. That is con continuity or whatever the
word is. And he's like, guy's like a living artifact,
(24:44):
is what I'm trying to say. It's like seeing a
handwritten copy of the Constitution. And my goodness, and suddenly
I realized something somewhat upset, upsettling or unsettling, I should
say unsettling.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
That these songs phones were not just background music.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
It was really again I go back to the point
I made, It was infrastructure that they have shaped so
much of.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
How I have talked.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
And again I'm not the biggest music guy and all
that stuff, but how I frame monologues, how I explain
sports to people who don't really like sports, and I
try to mix in different references to keep people engaged
that aren't sports people. And I've been using those tracks
the way a philosopher uses a metaphor, a comedian used
(25:34):
callbacks and all that stuff. It's just part of the
operating system. So I didn't go out to the ie
as they call it.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
I went there.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
I didn't go there to rediscover music. I just went
out there and realized that I have been unknowingly carrying
these tunes in my head for some time. And the
groups were all great. It was a lot of fun. So, yeah,
I still don't have the music gene. I don't want
you well know you're a music guy, but no I'm not.
(26:02):
I still don't have the music gene. I probably never
will at this point. But standing there in Ontario, surrounded
by songs and groups that I'd kind of heard of
in the past, I was like, oh, that's pretty cool.
That's pretty And so sometimes the soundtrack isn't there to
move you, it's there to explain you. And that's not nostalgia.
(26:24):
That's the love train you're always having, you know, always
always having that available to you.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
And I guess it's left the station and all that stuff,
and there you go.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
So that was my weekend a week ago, as we
had a grand old time with a couple of old groups,
the OJ's and the Commodorees and sister Sledge.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
And and all that time. Now though for the phrase
of the week.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
That's right, the phrase of the week, and this from
Scott in Florida. He says, what about the phrase rules
are made to be broken? Okay, well that's a magical moment. Now,
this phrase is very old, very old. It was popularized
(27:15):
by war hero General Douglas MacArthur. General Douglas MacArthur famously
said rules are mostly made to be broken and are
too often for the lazy to hide behind. And so
that was that that quote, which is not even one
(27:35):
hundred years old, that goes back to like the nineteen
fifties MacArthur, General MacArthur popularized the phrase. However, it was
already present in the proverbs of the time.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
It wasn't new.
Speaker 3 (27:48):
The sentiment is older than any single source, and so
I tried to find exactly who did they credit General
MacArthur for the modern use of the phrase.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
For the modern usage, and it's.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Seen as a rebellious like a justification for bending the
rules and going full cheating astro.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Now it's not just General MacArthur.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Sam Walton, the founder of the Walmart chain, which has
become the largest for like twenty years. It's the largest
corporation in the world, just massive, and so. Sam Walton,
in his autobiography wrote that the most important rule in
business is to break all of the rules. He also
(28:41):
gave a preference to rule breakers when hiring employees, as
he considered them a superior worker for not just following
and doing the bare minimum, going above and beyond the
bare minimum. And many of the greatest scientists, many of
(29:01):
the greatest inventors engineers of American history also known as
rule breakers. Yeah, I know Henry Ford with his moving
assembly line and the welfare capitalism. The Wright brothers with
their fixed wing aircraft are a couple of examples of that,
(29:23):
where you know, sometimes you need to bend rules. Now
there are gray areas, what the astros.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Did is not a gray area. They're dirty dolls, dirty
dirty dort dorty dolls.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
So the phrase of the week again, rules are made
to be broken, which the modern usage is credited to
General Douglas MacArthur. However, it goes way back before that,
way back. There's no one person that is being credited
because it goes a million.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Years back in time. All right, we'll get out on that.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Have a wonderful st enjoy whatever you're up to today
and Daniel joined me for the Mailbag on Sunday on
that edition of the podcast, Have a Wonderful Saturday to
be part of God.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
What's it been about the Wizard about Folation
Host
Ben Maller
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