April 7, 2025 • 12 mins
There are 2 parts to getting an ex back - no contact and after no contact. If you mess up once you're back in touch with your ex, you'll lower your chances of getting them back. Dating/relationship expert Lucia shares what you need to do once you hear from your ex.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You guys, there's no point in listening to videos on how to
get your ex back, either mine orthose of other coaches.
If when the moment of truth arrives, when your ex finally
reaches out and when your ex finally says me significant, you
then throw everything you've learned out the window and just
(00:23):
go on instinct alone. You're so surprised to hear from
your ex. And you're even more surprised
and thrilled that they say something that you think is
significant or actually is significant, that it's like, Oh
yeah, whatever, whoever, whatever Lucia said, who cares?
Whatever my ex is here, they texted me.
That's it. We're getting back together.
(00:43):
That's not how it works. That's not how you get your ex
back. And you're going to end up
screwing things up and regretting it for the rest of
your life. So what's the proper way to
handle it when you finally hear from your ex?
Stay tuned and you'll find out. And if you haven't already
(01:05):
guessed, yes, something happenedwith a client of mine where he
screwed everything up because hedidn't listen.
And I don't want it to happen toyou.
So I'll tell you what's going on.
But first, in case you don't know who this is, this is Lucia
with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
(01:26):
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. I hope you've been a good little
soldier, unlike some people. And if you need help to stay in
no contact, be sure to download my app silencio.
The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
(01:51):
you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. OK, so first thing, people are
always, almost always surprised when they hear from their ex.
I've said a million times, but in case you're a new listener,
(02:11):
90% of you are going to hear from your ex, OK?
You should not be surprised. You should be expecting it every
day. Should be like, all right, where
is he? Where is she?
I know, I know they're going to reach out at some point.
So where are they? Because if you are surprised and
you freak out, you're not going to be able to think straight.
(02:32):
So expect a text, expect a message.
But that is just the first step of many steps that need to be
taken to get your ex back. It's not easy to get an X back.
It's easy for me to help you getyour X back because apparently
for some reason that's my talent.
For me, it's easy to help someone get their X back if they
(02:53):
listen to me and do what I say. But it is not easy for most
people to get their X back, especially if they're not
working with a coach because you're going to do the total
opposite of what you need to do.So already we have a difficult
situation. Don't make it even worse by just
veering off on your own and thinking you know what the hell
to do just because it's your ex.You don't know what to do,
(03:16):
you're too emotional. Secondly, you do not get an X
back by having one conversation.Even if they say oh I missed
you, I want to see you and then you get back together.
That rarely happens. Want me to prove it to you?
OK, let me ask you this. How many times have you gone on
(03:38):
a first date and after the firstdate you agreed or the other
person agreed to be exclusive? How many people become exclusive
after one date? OK, I'll wait.
Yeah, not too many. 1%, I don't know.
Is it possible? Of course, probable.
No. Very few become exclusive after
(04:00):
one date. And very few people get back
together after one phone call. So to get to what happened with
my client. And I can't give too much
information because this is an ongoing situation.
Just in case the ex is listening.
Probably not, but you never know.
(04:20):
But I'm heated about this right now, so I need to do this while
I'm still passionate rather thanlater when I come from a more
logical point of view. Not that I'm not going to be
logical today, but you know. So I spoke with him about two
months ago and he's anxious, Surprise, surprise.
And because of the situation, I told them he was definitely
(04:41):
going to hear from his ex because she got into a rebound
like immediately, actually, she met the guy and then she broke
up with this guy like a week later.
And I said, yeah, don't even worry about it.
And I'm sure I said please work on your anxious attachment
style. And if I didn't, well, and I
(05:01):
recommend that to all my clientswho have anxiety because that's
the key. And I know it's not sexy to have
to work on yourself and to read a book about anxiety, but if you
don't, you're going to do what this guy did.
So after about two months, the ex contacts him.
(05:22):
She's done with the other guy. So he just jumps right in.
Who cares about the six questions that I always talk
about? Just jumps right in, Oh, I love
you la, la, la, la. They start hanging out.
In fact, it was in a different state.
She was in a different state. So he flew to her.
Another big mistake. Of course, didn't ask the 6th
(05:43):
question. He just jumped right in with
both feet thinking that just because she contacted him, Yeah,
now they'd be back together. So that lasted a few days and
what do you know, surprise, surprise again.
Now she's like, oh, I don't know, I'm so stressed from this
other breakup. We'll see, you know, if it's
meant to be, we'll come back together.
(06:03):
So now he's freaking out even more because he thought for sure
that they were getting back together.
And it's like, yeah, no, that's not how it goes.
And to quote something that he wrote to me, he said my anxiety
is kicking in. I really don't want to lose her
again. I haven't reached out, and I'm
waiting. And I'm giving her the space.
(06:26):
Don't want to lose her again. What do you mean again?
You didn't get her back the first time, so how can you lose
someone again if you never had the back?
Just because they contact you and tell you a few things that
sound good, it doesn't mean they're back.
So she actually said to him thatshe needed space and, and he
(06:50):
agreed with it. And then he, and then he finally
contacted me. Like he didn't keep me in the
loop when all this was going on.Because, again, people hear from
their exes and they think, Oh, yeah, I don't need Lucio
anymore. Well, apparently you do because
he said that. He said to her, OK, you know,
I'm here waiting for you. Absolutely, absolutely wrong
thing to say because you're taking away their anxiety.
(07:13):
And I said, you need to text herback and say, actually, you know
what I need? I need space too, so that's
fine. And he said, no, no, I can't do
that. She might block me.
Well, let me tell you something about blocking.
If someone blocks you, guess what?
They can also unblock you. I know, shocking as it is, yeah,
(07:37):
they can actually unblock you once they block you.
And two, if someone blocks you because you express your
feelings, because you say that you too need space, they're
trying to control you. OK, It's about control.
Oh, I don't like what you said, so I'm blocking you to teach you
that next time that you express your feelings and you say
something I don't like, I'm going to block you.
(08:00):
So of course, he didn't do what I said.
So because of his anxiety and fear of losing her, he is coming
across as beta, otherwise known as a pussy.
And women need to feel safe. They cannot feel safe with the
beta. They cannot feel safe if they
have your balls and their purse.They cannot feel safe if you're
(08:22):
a doormat. They cannot feel safe if they
know that they can do whatever they want and you're just going
to sit there and take it becauseyou're so anxious and because
you are so interested in them and because you can't live
without them. Again, the key to this whole
thing is anxiety. Working on your anxiety.
That way if you're a man, you don't hang your balls over to
(08:46):
someone else and you're not afraid to express your feelings
because they might block you. And she's using all kinds of
excuses. Oh, I'm stressed.
Stress. When someone says they're
stressed, that's a lie. I mean, yeah, they could
definitely be stressed. But if they use that as their
reason for backing away, no, it just sounds good.
(09:07):
Oh, I'm stressed. Oh, OK, I'll leave you alone.
No, no. If you are truly someone's
partner, if they truly love you and care about you and have high
interest in you, they're not going to get rid of you because
of stress, because you are theirde stressor.
You help them feel safe, you help them relax.
You help regulate their nervous system.
So why would they get rid of youif they're stressed?
(09:28):
It's because it sounds like a good excuse to use when they
want to back away. So what should he have done
instead? Because he did everything wrong.
Well, when she first contacted him and she said, oh, I, I left
the other guy whatever she said he should have said.
That's nice. What does it have to?
What do you want with me? What does it have to do with me?
(09:51):
Oh, well, I want you back. OK, maybe what we see, we'll
see. We can talk about it.
And then you slowly bring up thesix questions.
You don't just jump right in. Oh my God, you're available
again. You're free.
OK, I'll fly right over to you right now as fast as I can.
You don't start saying I love you.
You dip your toe in very, very slowly.
(10:15):
Rushing to get your ex back is not going to work.
As much as your nervous system wants you to hurry up and get on
stable ground. You need to go slowly, but
you're not going to be able to because you have an anxious
attachment style or an anxious avoidant attachment style.
So again, for those of you who have that attachment style, I'm
(10:38):
literally begging you. If you want the best chance to
get your ex back, you have to, well, you don't have to do
anything. You know, if you want to be
average and most people are, youwant to be mediocre and most
people are, then don't do anything.
But if you really want to have the best chance at a great
(11:00):
relationship, then you need to work on your attachment style.
And if you can't, go to therapy.There's books, there's the book
anxiously attached and there's the book attached.
And I'll put the link below the video and start working on it by
yourself so that when you do hear from your ex, you will be
(11:21):
more than capable of handling the situation, whether you're
getting coaching from me or not.So I hope I've made myself
clear. OK, so now I'd like to hear from
you. How long have you been in no
contact and how's it going? And if you would like my help to
get your ex back, you can go to theartoflove.net/coaching and we
(11:44):
will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast.
If you found this helpful, please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and you want to help theshow, download this episode.
And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
(12:06):
enlightens.
You guys, there's no point in listening to videos on how to
get your ex back, either mine orthose of other coaches.
If when the moment of truth arrives, when your ex finally
reaches out and when your ex finally says me significant, you
then throw everything you've learned out the window and just
(00:23):
go on instinct alone. You're so surprised to hear from
your ex. And you're even more surprised
and thrilled that they say something that you think is
significant or actually is significant, that it's like, Oh
yeah, whatever, whoever, whatever Lucia said, who cares?
Whatever my ex is here, they texted me.
That's it. We're getting back together.
(00:43):
That's not how it works. That's not how you get your ex
back. And you're going to end up
screwing things up and regretting it for the rest of
your life. So what's the proper way to
handle it when you finally hear from your ex?
Stay tuned and you'll find out. And if you haven't already
(01:05):
guessed, yes, something happenedwith a client of mine where he
screwed everything up because hedidn't listen.
And I don't want it to happen toyou.
So I'll tell you what's going on.
But first, in case you don't know who this is, this is Lucia
with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
(01:26):
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. I hope you've been a good little
soldier, unlike some people. And if you need help to stay in
no contact, be sure to download my app silencio.
The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
(01:51):
you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. OK, so first thing, people are
always, almost always surprised when they hear from their ex.
I've said a million times, but in case you're a new listener,
(02:11):
90% of you are going to hear from your ex, OK?
You should not be surprised. You should be expecting it every
day. Should be like, all right, where
is he? Where is she?
I know, I know they're going to reach out at some point.
So where are they? Because if you are surprised and
you freak out, you're not going to be able to think straight.
(02:32):
So expect a text, expect a message.
But that is just the first step of many steps that need to be
taken to get your ex back. It's not easy to get an X back.
It's easy for me to help you getyour X back because apparently
for some reason that's my talent.
For me, it's easy to help someone get their X back if they
(02:53):
listen to me and do what I say. But it is not easy for most
people to get their X back, especially if they're not
working with a coach because you're going to do the total
opposite of what you need to do.So already we have a difficult
situation. Don't make it even worse by just
veering off on your own and thinking you know what the hell
to do just because it's your ex.You don't know what to do,
(03:16):
you're too emotional. Secondly, you do not get an X
back by having one conversation.Even if they say oh I missed
you, I want to see you and then you get back together.
That rarely happens. Want me to prove it to you?
OK, let me ask you this. How many times have you gone on
(03:38):
a first date and after the firstdate you agreed or the other
person agreed to be exclusive? How many people become exclusive
after one date? OK, I'll wait.
Yeah, not too many. 1%, I don't know.
Is it possible? Of course, probable.
No. Very few become exclusive after
(04:00):
one date. And very few people get back
together after one phone call. So to get to what happened with
my client. And I can't give too much
information because this is an ongoing situation.
Just in case the ex is listening.
Probably not, but you never know.
(04:20):
But I'm heated about this right now, so I need to do this while
I'm still passionate rather thanlater when I come from a more
logical point of view. Not that I'm not going to be
logical today, but you know. So I spoke with him about two
months ago and he's anxious, Surprise, surprise.
And because of the situation, I told them he was definitely
(04:41):
going to hear from his ex because she got into a rebound
like immediately, actually, she met the guy and then she broke
up with this guy like a week later.
And I said, yeah, don't even worry about it.
And I'm sure I said please work on your anxious attachment
style. And if I didn't, well, and I
(05:01):
recommend that to all my clientswho have anxiety because that's
the key. And I know it's not sexy to have
to work on yourself and to read a book about anxiety, but if you
don't, you're going to do what this guy did.
So after about two months, the ex contacts him.
(05:22):
She's done with the other guy. So he just jumps right in.
Who cares about the six questions that I always talk
about? Just jumps right in, Oh, I love
you la, la, la, la. They start hanging out.
In fact, it was in a different state.
She was in a different state. So he flew to her.
Another big mistake. Of course, didn't ask the 6th
(05:43):
question. He just jumped right in with
both feet thinking that just because she contacted him, Yeah,
now they'd be back together. So that lasted a few days and
what do you know, surprise, surprise again.
Now she's like, oh, I don't know, I'm so stressed from this
other breakup. We'll see, you know, if it's
meant to be, we'll come back together.
(06:03):
So now he's freaking out even more because he thought for sure
that they were getting back together.
And it's like, yeah, no, that's not how it goes.
And to quote something that he wrote to me, he said my anxiety
is kicking in. I really don't want to lose her
again. I haven't reached out, and I'm
waiting. And I'm giving her the space.
(06:26):
Don't want to lose her again. What do you mean again?
You didn't get her back the first time, so how can you lose
someone again if you never had the back?
Just because they contact you and tell you a few things that
sound good, it doesn't mean they're back.
So she actually said to him thatshe needed space and, and he
(06:50):
agreed with it. And then he, and then he finally
contacted me. Like he didn't keep me in the
loop when all this was going on.Because, again, people hear from
their exes and they think, Oh, yeah, I don't need Lucio
anymore. Well, apparently you do because
he said that. He said to her, OK, you know,
I'm here waiting for you. Absolutely, absolutely wrong
thing to say because you're taking away their anxiety.
(07:13):
And I said, you need to text herback and say, actually, you know
what I need? I need space too, so that's
fine. And he said, no, no, I can't do
that. She might block me.
Well, let me tell you something about blocking.
If someone blocks you, guess what?
They can also unblock you. I know, shocking as it is, yeah,
(07:37):
they can actually unblock you once they block you.
And two, if someone blocks you because you express your
feelings, because you say that you too need space, they're
trying to control you. OK, It's about control.
Oh, I don't like what you said, so I'm blocking you to teach you
that next time that you express your feelings and you say
something I don't like, I'm going to block you.
(08:00):
So of course, he didn't do what I said.
So because of his anxiety and fear of losing her, he is coming
across as beta, otherwise known as a pussy.
And women need to feel safe. They cannot feel safe with the
beta. They cannot feel safe if they
have your balls and their purse.They cannot feel safe if you're
(08:22):
a doormat. They cannot feel safe if they
know that they can do whatever they want and you're just going
to sit there and take it becauseyou're so anxious and because
you are so interested in them and because you can't live
without them. Again, the key to this whole
thing is anxiety. Working on your anxiety.
That way if you're a man, you don't hang your balls over to
(08:46):
someone else and you're not afraid to express your feelings
because they might block you. And she's using all kinds of
excuses. Oh, I'm stressed.
Stress. When someone says they're
stressed, that's a lie. I mean, yeah, they could
definitely be stressed. But if they use that as their
reason for backing away, no, it just sounds good.
(09:07):
Oh, I'm stressed. Oh, OK, I'll leave you alone.
No, no. If you are truly someone's
partner, if they truly love you and care about you and have high
interest in you, they're not going to get rid of you because
of stress, because you are theirde stressor.
You help them feel safe, you help them relax.
You help regulate their nervous system.
So why would they get rid of youif they're stressed?
(09:28):
It's because it sounds like a good excuse to use when they
want to back away. So what should he have done
instead? Because he did everything wrong.
Well, when she first contacted him and she said, oh, I, I left
the other guy whatever she said he should have said.
That's nice. What does it have to?
What do you want with me? What does it have to do with me?
(09:51):
Oh, well, I want you back. OK, maybe what we see, we'll
see. We can talk about it.
And then you slowly bring up thesix questions.
You don't just jump right in. Oh my God, you're available
again. You're free.
OK, I'll fly right over to you right now as fast as I can.
You don't start saying I love you.
You dip your toe in very, very slowly.
(10:15):
Rushing to get your ex back is not going to work.
As much as your nervous system wants you to hurry up and get on
stable ground. You need to go slowly, but
you're not going to be able to because you have an anxious
attachment style or an anxious avoidant attachment style.
So again, for those of you who have that attachment style, I'm
(10:38):
literally begging you. If you want the best chance to
get your ex back, you have to, well, you don't have to do
anything. You know, if you want to be
average and most people are, youwant to be mediocre and most
people are, then don't do anything.
But if you really want to have the best chance at a great
(11:00):
relationship, then you need to work on your attachment style.
And if you can't, go to therapy.There's books, there's the book
anxiously attached and there's the book attached.
And I'll put the link below the video and start working on it by
yourself so that when you do hear from your ex, you will be
(11:21):
more than capable of handling the situation, whether you're
getting coaching from me or not.So I hope I've made myself
clear. OK, so now I'd like to hear from
you. How long have you been in no
contact and how's it going? And if you would like my help to
get your ex back, you can go to theartoflove.net/coaching and we
(11:44):
will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast.
If you found this helpful, please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and you want to help theshow, download this episode.
And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
(12:06):
enlightens.
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