February 17, 2025 • 9 mins
Is your ex in pain, even though they dumped you? If so, what are some signs that they're suffering as much, if not more, than you? Dating/relationship expert Lucia talks about whether your ex is in pain and the signs to look for.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Do you want your ex to suffer? Well, some of you probably do,
but I know most of you probably don't.
Either way, the fact is, if theybroke up with you, unless
they're in pain, they are not going to reconsider their
decision. It's been shown that people will
do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure.
(00:23):
So how can you know if your ex is also suffering?
Well, stay tuned and you'll findout.
Hi, this is the Chia with the art of love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful nocontact army.
Have you been a good little soldier?
If you have, then you've downloaded my app Silencio.
(00:45):
People actually say it helps them during no contact just to
see the days going by. So the link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join the No Contact army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
(01:09):
you purchase the book. So keeping in mind what I just
said about people doing more to avoid pain than to gain
pleasure, here's a comment that someone wrote underneath one of
my YouTube videos that will illustrate what I'm talking
about. OK, so they said my ex jumped
(01:30):
into a rebound and continues to ring and text.
By ring they mean call. For those of you who don't know,
I never answer or initiate contact.
All I do is ring back but put the phone down before she can
pick up and then fall back into no contact And I go, why are you
(01:50):
ringing back? Especially like calling back and
hanging up like, what is this? And they go, well, just to show
I'm not ignoring her. Nobody likes to be ignored.
However, what she's doing is breadcrumbing and I'm very close
to blocking her so I can move on.
And I said every time you call back, you're breaking no
contact. And yes, I know no one likes to
(02:12):
be ignored. That's the whole point of no
contact. You know, people come up with
all kinds of wacky ideas and theories as to how they should
handle no contact in order to get their X back.
And you don't need to reinvent the wheel.
You just need to listen to people like me who know what
(02:32):
they're doing and who've helped people get their X back.
Otherwise you're just getting inyour own way.
Your ex will not be suffering ifthey know that you're still
focused on them to the point where every time they call, you
call back, even if you hang up on them, which is crazy.
Well, not hang up on them and just hang up.
It's like, yeah, she doesn't want to be ignored and that's
(02:55):
why you got to ignore her. You got to cause pain.
You got to cause suffering. When you're in no contact, you
are giving your ex the time to face the consequences of their
actions, meaning they ended the relationship.
They broke up with you. Before they broke up with you,
it was just a concept in their mind, but now it's actual
(03:16):
reality. They wanted you out of their
life, at least romantically, andvoila, you're out of their life.
And when someone breaks up with someone, it doesn't always feel
the way they thought it would feel.
They thought they would be happy.
And yeah, they may be happy for a bit.
Until they're not. And your silence is what is
(03:39):
going to make them doubt their decision.
And that's when the pain and suffering starts.
Which is why it's so important to get into no contact and stay
there. And that's why I'm so adamant
about not breaking it. And if you're anxious and can't
control yourself and you want toreach out, then what you should
be doing in no contact is working on your attachment
(04:01):
style. You should be focused on you.
That way, whether they come backor not, at least you'll have
moved to a more secure attachment style now.
Keep in mind that they can't question their decision if they
know that they can have you backat any time.
It's only when they realize thatyou're gone that they'll ask
(04:24):
themselves if they made the right decision.
And even if your relationship was toxic, which most
relationships aren't, there willstill be something that they'll
miss or many some things. If you were together for years
and years, there's a reason you weren't together and miserable
the whole time, hopefully. So there's going to be a lot of
(04:44):
positive things that they'll miss even if they decide to
break up with you. So when you do no contact, you
give them the gift of feeling the same separation anxiety that
you're feeling. So what are some signs that
they're missing you and that they're in pain?
Well, I will give you a couple of them if your ex is looking
(05:07):
extra happy on social media. If it appears that they're
exaggerating their happiness, then they're probably in pain
and they may be trying to convince you that they're happy
after the breakup, or maybe they're trying to convince
themselves, or both. But either way, it's usually a
sign that they're suffering. Otherwise, why would they need
(05:27):
to exaggerate their happiness, right?
Confidence is quiet. The quietest person in the room
is the most confident person in the room.
The loudest person in the room is the most insecure person in
the room. So by exaggerating their
happiness on social media, they're not being quiet.
They're being very, very loud, which shows that they're
(05:47):
actually not that confident in their decision.
And it shows that your ex is still concerned about what you
think, which means that they're not 100% sure about the breakup.
Otherwise, why would they care about what what you think?
Why would they care about showing you how happy they are?
They would just be busy being happy.
(06:09):
And then another sign is that they actually tell you that they
miss you. And when they say I miss you,
that doesn't mean I miss you andI want to get back together.
They're just saying they miss your absence and your energy.
They're missing you in that moment and they're hoping that
you'll respond and reassure themthat you missed them too and
(06:32):
you're still there for them. But if you do that, you'll
relieve their pain. And again, without pain, they
won't have an incentive to come back.
And I've actually done a whole video on how to respond to the I
Miss You text with about like 40different responses you can
give. And I'll put the link to that in
(06:52):
the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
So as you continue to stay in nocontact, they're going to be
concerned that you would replacethem or will be replacing them
sooner rather than later. They thought you would reach out
at some point since that's what most people do when they're
dumped, right? So they're going to figure that
you've accepted the breakup and are looking for a replacement or
(07:16):
you've already found one. Yes, I know they wanted to break
up, but everyone has an ego and no one wants to think that their
ex has found someone else, especially if they themselves
have not found someone else. That's why after about 30 days,
you want to do the two drink or two plate trick where it clearly
(07:37):
shows that you're out with another person, obviously, but
they don't know if it's a date or if it's family or if it's a
friend. So don't show the person, just
show the drinks. You can show a body part, an
arm, a leg, or you can even posta group photo and make sure that
you're standing next to someone hot.
(08:00):
That way they can wonder what's going on.
So if they're already having doubts about the breakup, this
is the thing that could break them.
And finally make them reach out to you.
Even if you don't get an overt reaction.
Trust me, it affected them on some level.
Someone can break up with you and still be upset that you're
(08:20):
moving on. Both things can be true at the
same time. Remember, when it comes to
matters of the heart, there's nologic involved.
So be sure to cause your ex painif you want them back.
OK now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
(08:42):
would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
theartoflove.net/coaching. We will send you the rates.
They're not on the website and Idon't have a schedule.
On the website. You get concierge service with
me. You get the personal touch.
We respond to your e-mail and guide you through the process.
(09:03):
It's not automated. I believe in the personal touch.
And if you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe,
and share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast, please rate room, review and find.
And remember, Love inspires, empowers, uploads and
enlightens.
Do you want your ex to suffer? Well, some of you probably do,
but I know most of you probably don't.
Either way, the fact is, if theybroke up with you, unless
they're in pain, they are not going to reconsider their
decision. It's been shown that people will
do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure.
(00:23):
So how can you know if your ex is also suffering?
Well, stay tuned and you'll findout.
Hi, this is the Chia with the art of love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful nocontact army.
Have you been a good little soldier?
If you have, then you've downloaded my app Silencio.
(00:45):
People actually say it helps them during no contact just to
see the days going by. So the link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join the No Contact army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
(01:09):
you purchase the book. So keeping in mind what I just
said about people doing more to avoid pain than to gain
pleasure, here's a comment that someone wrote underneath one of
my YouTube videos that will illustrate what I'm talking
about. OK, so they said my ex jumped
(01:30):
into a rebound and continues to ring and text.
By ring they mean call. For those of you who don't know,
I never answer or initiate contact.
All I do is ring back but put the phone down before she can
pick up and then fall back into no contact And I go, why are you
(01:50):
ringing back? Especially like calling back and
hanging up like, what is this? And they go, well, just to show
I'm not ignoring her. Nobody likes to be ignored.
However, what she's doing is breadcrumbing and I'm very close
to blocking her so I can move on.
And I said every time you call back, you're breaking no
contact. And yes, I know no one likes to
(02:12):
be ignored. That's the whole point of no
contact. You know, people come up with
all kinds of wacky ideas and theories as to how they should
handle no contact in order to get their X back.
And you don't need to reinvent the wheel.
You just need to listen to people like me who know what
(02:32):
they're doing and who've helped people get their X back.
Otherwise you're just getting inyour own way.
Your ex will not be suffering ifthey know that you're still
focused on them to the point where every time they call, you
call back, even if you hang up on them, which is crazy.
Well, not hang up on them and just hang up.
It's like, yeah, she doesn't want to be ignored and that's
(02:55):
why you got to ignore her. You got to cause pain.
You got to cause suffering. When you're in no contact, you
are giving your ex the time to face the consequences of their
actions, meaning they ended the relationship.
They broke up with you. Before they broke up with you,
it was just a concept in their mind, but now it's actual
(03:16):
reality. They wanted you out of their
life, at least romantically, andvoila, you're out of their life.
And when someone breaks up with someone, it doesn't always feel
the way they thought it would feel.
They thought they would be happy.
And yeah, they may be happy for a bit.
Until they're not. And your silence is what is
(03:39):
going to make them doubt their decision.
And that's when the pain and suffering starts.
Which is why it's so important to get into no contact and stay
there. And that's why I'm so adamant
about not breaking it. And if you're anxious and can't
control yourself and you want toreach out, then what you should
be doing in no contact is working on your attachment
(04:01):
style. You should be focused on you.
That way, whether they come backor not, at least you'll have
moved to a more secure attachment style now.
Keep in mind that they can't question their decision if they
know that they can have you backat any time.
It's only when they realize thatyou're gone that they'll ask
(04:24):
themselves if they made the right decision.
And even if your relationship was toxic, which most
relationships aren't, there willstill be something that they'll
miss or many some things. If you were together for years
and years, there's a reason you weren't together and miserable
the whole time, hopefully. So there's going to be a lot of
(04:44):
positive things that they'll miss even if they decide to
break up with you. So when you do no contact, you
give them the gift of feeling the same separation anxiety that
you're feeling. So what are some signs that
they're missing you and that they're in pain?
Well, I will give you a couple of them if your ex is looking
(05:07):
extra happy on social media. If it appears that they're
exaggerating their happiness, then they're probably in pain
and they may be trying to convince you that they're happy
after the breakup, or maybe they're trying to convince
themselves, or both. But either way, it's usually a
sign that they're suffering. Otherwise, why would they need
(05:27):
to exaggerate their happiness, right?
Confidence is quiet. The quietest person in the room
is the most confident person in the room.
The loudest person in the room is the most insecure person in
the room. So by exaggerating their
happiness on social media, they're not being quiet.
They're being very, very loud, which shows that they're
(05:47):
actually not that confident in their decision.
And it shows that your ex is still concerned about what you
think, which means that they're not 100% sure about the breakup.
Otherwise, why would they care about what what you think?
Why would they care about showing you how happy they are?
They would just be busy being happy.
(06:09):
And then another sign is that they actually tell you that they
miss you. And when they say I miss you,
that doesn't mean I miss you andI want to get back together.
They're just saying they miss your absence and your energy.
They're missing you in that moment and they're hoping that
you'll respond and reassure themthat you missed them too and
(06:32):
you're still there for them. But if you do that, you'll
relieve their pain. And again, without pain, they
won't have an incentive to come back.
And I've actually done a whole video on how to respond to the I
Miss You text with about like 40different responses you can
give. And I'll put the link to that in
(06:52):
the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
So as you continue to stay in nocontact, they're going to be
concerned that you would replacethem or will be replacing them
sooner rather than later. They thought you would reach out
at some point since that's what most people do when they're
dumped, right? So they're going to figure that
you've accepted the breakup and are looking for a replacement or
(07:16):
you've already found one. Yes, I know they wanted to break
up, but everyone has an ego and no one wants to think that their
ex has found someone else, especially if they themselves
have not found someone else. That's why after about 30 days,
you want to do the two drink or two plate trick where it clearly
(07:37):
shows that you're out with another person, obviously, but
they don't know if it's a date or if it's family or if it's a
friend. So don't show the person, just
show the drinks. You can show a body part, an
arm, a leg, or you can even posta group photo and make sure that
you're standing next to someone hot.
(08:00):
That way they can wonder what's going on.
So if they're already having doubts about the breakup, this
is the thing that could break them.
And finally make them reach out to you.
Even if you don't get an overt reaction.
Trust me, it affected them on some level.
Someone can break up with you and still be upset that you're
(08:20):
moving on. Both things can be true at the
same time. Remember, when it comes to
matters of the heart, there's nologic involved.
So be sure to cause your ex painif you want them back.
OK now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
(08:42):
would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
theartoflove.net/coaching. We will send you the rates.
They're not on the website and Idon't have a schedule.
On the website. You get concierge service with
me. You get the personal touch.
We respond to your e-mail and guide you through the process.
(09:03):
It's not automated. I believe in the personal touch.
And if you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe,
and share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast, please rate room, review and find.
And remember, Love inspires, empowers, uploads and
enlightens.
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