March 31, 2025 • 9 mins
If your ex is an avoidant, there's a good chance you're anxious. If you let your anxiety take over when you're trying to get your ex back, your chances of success are very low. Dating/relationship expert Lucia reveals what you absolutely must do if you want your avoidant ex back.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
If your ex is an avoidant, there's a very good chance that
you're anxious and there's a built in issue.
Whenever an anxious and an avoidant are dating, in many
ways, they're total opposites. You want to connect, They want
to be free. You want to plan a future, they
don't. You want to talk about feelings,
(00:23):
They don't. You need validation from them,
but they don't need validation from you.
So how do you get them back? Stay tuned and you'll find out.
Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful nocontact army.
(00:45):
If you haven't already, be sure to download download my app
Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
We also have meditations on there and a space for your
affirmations, and the link for that is underneath every single
video and podcast. And if you too would like to
join our no contact army, all you have to do is subscribe and
(01:06):
hit the bell notification and you're in.
And we also have a manual, yes, and you can read
twofreechapters@nocontactsecrets.com.And just very quickly before we
start, I've noticed that 65% of people who listen to me are not
subscribed. That's a lot.
(01:28):
So if I can ask you a little favor that would be to subscribe
if my videos have ever helped you in any way.
And that way I can continue to make helpful videos that will
help everybody to have a better chance at getting their X back.
Thank you. OK so to understand how to get
an avoidance back you need to 1st understand how they view
(01:51):
feelings and intimate relationships.
A trigger for an avoidant is emotional closeness.
Remember years ago when I started a casual relationship
with someone and he said to me, well what's going to happen if
you start to develop develop feelings for me?
And this was before I even knew I had an avoidant attachment
style. And I just immediately responded
(02:13):
Oh well I'll stop seeing you. So if you're anxious and you
heard me say that just now, you probably gasped because for you,
the thought of walking away for someone you have feelings for is
foreign. But for an avoidant, well,
that's just another Tuesday afternoon.
I have feelings for you. Oh, I got to get out of here.
(02:35):
And that's because as children, they learned that relying on
someone for their emotional needs wasn't going to work and
they would eventually be disappointed.
This is why avoidance are very independent.
They never again want to feel that vulnerability that they
experience as a child. So you can't take it personally
(02:58):
most of the time when they breakup with you if the reason
they're doing that is because they're triggered by their
feelings for you. I mean, in a way it's a
compliment actually. You're such a great partner that
they started to develop feelingsfor you.
So you're probably thinking, well damn.
So you're saying I can't be a good partner?
(03:19):
Well, I think that you need to be an aware partner.
And when you're aware of how an avoidance can be triggered,
you'll make different choices inyour words and in your actions.
With avoidance, especially with dismissive avoidance, you have
to keep them on their toes. They're super sensitive to the
(03:40):
signs of someone being needy. In the book attached it says and
I quote avoidance. It appears are quick to think
negatively about their partners,seeing them as needy and
dependent. They seemingly despise others
for being needy. End Quote.
(04:01):
I don't know why the author of this book felt the need to use
the words appears and seemingly because I can tell you with 100%
certainty we don't appear to quickly think negatively about
partners. We do, and we don't seemingly
despise others for being needy. We do hate weakness in others
(04:25):
and in ourselves. Weakness makes us cringe.
We get the ick, we get the EW. So the first thing to keep in
mind when trying to get back an avoidant is to not appear weak
or needy. That is not going to help you.
And some people are going to say, well, why would you want to
get an avoidant X back? And there are many more people
(04:49):
however, saying that they do want their avoidant X back.
So that means that you're going to have to change the way you
deal with them. And if you don't want to change
the way you deal with them, thenI would suggest you move on and
find someone with either a secure attachment style or
someone who's anxious like you. Or you can always work on
(05:11):
yourself and become a secure partner yourself.
And yes, I know that's easy for me to say, but This is why I
always recommend that if you have an an anxious attachment
style, read the books attached and anxiously attached and I'll
put the links in the notes belowthe video.
Now you may say, well, why can'tthe avoidant work to become more
(05:33):
secure? Well, they're not the one trying
to get their ex back. They're not the one listening to
this. You are.
You can certainly suggest it to them if they say they want to
get back together, but don't be surprised if they don't want to
go. Many avoidance see avoidant
attachment as a superpower. And why would they want to give
(05:53):
up their superpower? Would you?
Something else to keep in mind with an avoidant is that you
have to have boundaries. If you're anxious, however, that
is going to be difficult for youto do.
You don't want to have boundaries, you just want to
chase after your ex. Hopefully you'll keep in mind
what I just told you about how avoidance, hate, neediness and
(06:17):
weakness. If you want to push your
avoidant X even further, just keep contacting them, trying to
change their mind. They'll become even more
avoidant and want to get away from you even more.
So as usual, silence. No contact is the answer with
(06:37):
getting an X back, but especially with getting an
avoidant X back. They're usually the dumpers, so
they're used to the people that they dumped chasing after them,
and as soon as you don't do that, you have their attention.
If you go into no contact and stay there, eventually they will
(06:59):
wonder if they judged you too quickly.
They already know that they tendto leave people sooner rather
than later, and maybe this time they made their decision in
haste. Maybe they were too quick to
pull the plug. There were times when I second
guessed myself after I'd broken up with someone, but that only
(07:19):
happened if the person was silent and didn't try to talk me
out of it. But if they bugged me and
wouldn't leave me alone, I knew I'd made the right decision.
So you want to remove any pressure and neediness by
leaving them alone so they can start to feel safe again.
Remember, they once loved you and sometimes they still do.
(07:41):
But they don't want to deal withyour feelings or their feelings
or feeling pressured because of your neediness or what they
perceive to be your neediness. And they also want to be able to
trust you. Trust is huge for avoidance.
So if you somehow betrayed theirtrust, when they do reach out,
(08:05):
you need to ask them how you cangain their trust again and what
you can do to make up for what you did.
And this will go a long way towards getting an avoidant to
trust you again. So they'll need time to assess
the situation, and they're goingto do it on their timeline, not
yours. Trying to speed it up by trying
(08:26):
to push them in any way is only going to slow things down.
That's why doing no contact is especially important.
If your ex is avoidant, hanging around and trying to talk them
out of it is not going to work. As an avoidant, I can tell you
it is not going to work. They need their space in order
to feel safe and independent, and when you give it to them,
(08:49):
you have a very good chance of hearing from them and eventually
getting back together. OK, so now I'm going to hear
from you. Was your ex an avoidant and how
long have you been in no contact?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back, you can
contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
(09:10):
will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
the direct link to that is belowevery single video and podcast.
If you found this video helpful,please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and want to help the show, just download it.
And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
(09:32):
enlightens.
If your ex is an avoidant, there's a very good chance that
you're anxious and there's a built in issue.
Whenever an anxious and an avoidant are dating, in many
ways, they're total opposites. You want to connect, They want
to be free. You want to plan a future, they
don't. You want to talk about feelings,
(00:23):
They don't. You need validation from them,
but they don't need validation from you.
So how do you get them back? Stay tuned and you'll find out.
Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful nocontact army.
(00:45):
If you haven't already, be sure to download download my app
Silencio to help you stay in no contact.
We also have meditations on there and a space for your
affirmations, and the link for that is underneath every single
video and podcast. And if you too would like to
join our no contact army, all you have to do is subscribe and
(01:06):
hit the bell notification and you're in.
And we also have a manual, yes, and you can read
twofreechapters@nocontactsecrets.com.And just very quickly before we
start, I've noticed that 65% of people who listen to me are not
subscribed. That's a lot.
(01:28):
So if I can ask you a little favor that would be to subscribe
if my videos have ever helped you in any way.
And that way I can continue to make helpful videos that will
help everybody to have a better chance at getting their X back.
Thank you. OK so to understand how to get
an avoidance back you need to 1st understand how they view
(01:51):
feelings and intimate relationships.
A trigger for an avoidant is emotional closeness.
Remember years ago when I started a casual relationship
with someone and he said to me, well what's going to happen if
you start to develop develop feelings for me?
And this was before I even knew I had an avoidant attachment
style. And I just immediately responded
(02:13):
Oh well I'll stop seeing you. So if you're anxious and you
heard me say that just now, you probably gasped because for you,
the thought of walking away for someone you have feelings for is
foreign. But for an avoidant, well,
that's just another Tuesday afternoon.
I have feelings for you. Oh, I got to get out of here.
(02:35):
And that's because as children, they learned that relying on
someone for their emotional needs wasn't going to work and
they would eventually be disappointed.
This is why avoidance are very independent.
They never again want to feel that vulnerability that they
experience as a child. So you can't take it personally
(02:58):
most of the time when they breakup with you if the reason
they're doing that is because they're triggered by their
feelings for you. I mean, in a way it's a
compliment actually. You're such a great partner that
they started to develop feelingsfor you.
So you're probably thinking, well damn.
So you're saying I can't be a good partner?
(03:19):
Well, I think that you need to be an aware partner.
And when you're aware of how an avoidance can be triggered,
you'll make different choices inyour words and in your actions.
With avoidance, especially with dismissive avoidance, you have
to keep them on their toes. They're super sensitive to the
(03:40):
signs of someone being needy. In the book attached it says and
I quote avoidance. It appears are quick to think
negatively about their partners,seeing them as needy and
dependent. They seemingly despise others
for being needy. End Quote.
(04:01):
I don't know why the author of this book felt the need to use
the words appears and seemingly because I can tell you with 100%
certainty we don't appear to quickly think negatively about
partners. We do, and we don't seemingly
despise others for being needy. We do hate weakness in others
(04:25):
and in ourselves. Weakness makes us cringe.
We get the ick, we get the EW. So the first thing to keep in
mind when trying to get back an avoidant is to not appear weak
or needy. That is not going to help you.
And some people are going to say, well, why would you want to
get an avoidant X back? And there are many more people
(04:49):
however, saying that they do want their avoidant X back.
So that means that you're going to have to change the way you
deal with them. And if you don't want to change
the way you deal with them, thenI would suggest you move on and
find someone with either a secure attachment style or
someone who's anxious like you. Or you can always work on
(05:11):
yourself and become a secure partner yourself.
And yes, I know that's easy for me to say, but This is why I
always recommend that if you have an an anxious attachment
style, read the books attached and anxiously attached and I'll
put the links in the notes belowthe video.
Now you may say, well, why can'tthe avoidant work to become more
(05:33):
secure? Well, they're not the one trying
to get their ex back. They're not the one listening to
this. You are.
You can certainly suggest it to them if they say they want to
get back together, but don't be surprised if they don't want to
go. Many avoidance see avoidant
attachment as a superpower. And why would they want to give
(05:53):
up their superpower? Would you?
Something else to keep in mind with an avoidant is that you
have to have boundaries. If you're anxious, however, that
is going to be difficult for youto do.
You don't want to have boundaries, you just want to
chase after your ex. Hopefully you'll keep in mind
what I just told you about how avoidance, hate, neediness and
(06:17):
weakness. If you want to push your
avoidant X even further, just keep contacting them, trying to
change their mind. They'll become even more
avoidant and want to get away from you even more.
So as usual, silence. No contact is the answer with
(06:37):
getting an X back, but especially with getting an
avoidant X back. They're usually the dumpers, so
they're used to the people that they dumped chasing after them,
and as soon as you don't do that, you have their attention.
If you go into no contact and stay there, eventually they will
(06:59):
wonder if they judged you too quickly.
They already know that they tendto leave people sooner rather
than later, and maybe this time they made their decision in
haste. Maybe they were too quick to
pull the plug. There were times when I second
guessed myself after I'd broken up with someone, but that only
(07:19):
happened if the person was silent and didn't try to talk me
out of it. But if they bugged me and
wouldn't leave me alone, I knew I'd made the right decision.
So you want to remove any pressure and neediness by
leaving them alone so they can start to feel safe again.
Remember, they once loved you and sometimes they still do.
(07:41):
But they don't want to deal withyour feelings or their feelings
or feeling pressured because of your neediness or what they
perceive to be your neediness. And they also want to be able to
trust you. Trust is huge for avoidance.
So if you somehow betrayed theirtrust, when they do reach out,
(08:05):
you need to ask them how you cangain their trust again and what
you can do to make up for what you did.
And this will go a long way towards getting an avoidant to
trust you again. So they'll need time to assess
the situation, and they're goingto do it on their timeline, not
yours. Trying to speed it up by trying
(08:26):
to push them in any way is only going to slow things down.
That's why doing no contact is especially important.
If your ex is avoidant, hanging around and trying to talk them
out of it is not going to work. As an avoidant, I can tell you
it is not going to work. They need their space in order
to feel safe and independent, and when you give it to them,
(08:49):
you have a very good chance of hearing from them and eventually
getting back together. OK, so now I'm going to hear
from you. Was your ex an avoidant and how
long have you been in no contact?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back, you can
contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
(09:10):
will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
the direct link to that is belowevery single video and podcast.
If you found this video helpful,please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and want to help the show, just download it.
And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
(09:32):
enlightens.
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