May 19, 2025 • 8 mins
What really goes on in the mind of an avoidant when you don't chase them after a break up? Do they start to miss you or do they just move on without looking back? Dating expert Lucia reveals the truth about how avoidants react to the no contact rule.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
If you're sitting there wondering why your avoidant X
seems so unbothered after the breakup, then this video or
podcast is for you. I'm going to break down exactly
what's going on in their mind during No Contact.
I'll be discussing the stages avoidance go through during No
Contact, why they seem so darn happy right after the breakup
(00:22):
and when that changes, how long it takes for an avoidant to miss
you, the avoidant Phantom X phenomenon, and when avoidance
typically reach out and what to say when they do.
But before I do that, I want to welcome back my beautiful no
contact Army. I hope you've been a little
soldier and stayed in no contact.
(00:43):
And if you too would like to join our no contact Army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com or you can read 2 free chapters before you
purchase the book. OK, so let's RIP that Band-Aid
off first. Your avoidant is going to be
(01:06):
happy right after the breakup, not because they never cared,
but because they're relieved. Avoidance, hate, conflict, and
emotional pressure. So when you disappear after the
breakup, they're celebrating finally.
No one's asking me to talk aboutfeelings or to reconsider.
(01:26):
That's what they're thinking. And This is why begging or
checking in backfires. The longer you linger, the
longer you extend their relief phase.
Think of it like resetting a timer.
Every text you send, they think I'm still not free.
(01:48):
But when you go radio silent, that timer starts ticking and
ticking and ticking towards the next stage, which is tantratam
distraction. They're going to suppress their
emotions. They're going to do everything
they can to not feel any negative emotions after the
(02:09):
breakup, such as missing you nostalgia or anxiety.
They'll try distracting themselves by focusing on other
things and sometimes other people.
That's why at first they come across as unbothered and you may
wonder if they ever cared. Next they're going to be in
denial and convince themselves that they've done nothing wrong
(02:34):
and it was you. They don't want to consider the
possibility that they made a mistake because that would make
them anxious. And remember, they're
suppressing their emotions and are trying to avoid feeling
anything, especially anxiety. Now here's where things get
interesting. Oh, and real quick, I got to be
(02:55):
honest, about 65% of the people listening right now have not hit
the subscribe button yet. So if my videos have ever helped
you or at least kept you from drunk dialing your ex, then tap
that subscription button. It's free, it takes half a
second, and in return, I'll keepworking hard to make these
videos as helpful as possible soyou've got the best shot at
(03:16):
getting your ex back or moving on like a boss deal.
Good. OK, so since there's a part of
them that still loves you, yes, eventually they'll begin to
wonder what the heck are you up to?
And when they get to this stage depends on you.
Yes, you. You actually have more power
(03:38):
than you think. All you have to do is stay in no
contact. However, if you keep breaking no
contact, after a week or two, they're going to be right back
in that relief stage. Now, you may have heard me say
that avoidance are like feral cats.
So if a feral cat is at your door and it feels like it wants
(04:01):
to take a step inside, but you come running to the door, then
it's going to run away. And that's exactly what's going
to happen with an avoidant. They may be thinking about
contacting you or getting closer, but all of a sudden you
do something and they get scaredand Yikes, no.
So stay in no contact. Now.
(04:24):
This is when they'll start to have conflicting emotions and
we'll wonder if they made the right decision.
They're going to be on an emotional roller coaster ride,
and that's good news for you. Sometimes they'll be certain
they made the right decision andother times they're going to
think it was a mistake. It's finally starting to hit
them that the relationship may really be over for good.
(04:48):
So if you were a good little soldier and you stayed in no
contact, they'll also be starting to miss you and realize
what you brought to their life. And a lot of people have used my
app Silencio to help them stay in no contact.
So be sure to check that out. And the link is below every
video and podcast as always. Next, your ex is going to feel a
(05:11):
void. And this is when you become the
phantom X. And a phantom X is just the
ghost of a past partner, even though that X is no longer
physically around. And you can tell that someone
has a phantom X if they mention their XA lot, they'll say things
like, well, my X used to do thisand my X used to say this.
(05:33):
Or if someone is still emotionally attached to their X,
then it's a phantom X. And that's usually because
they're still angry about it. Nostalgic.
Curious or stalking them on social media?
Next, Finally, they will want toreach out to you, but they're
(05:58):
also afraid of rejection, so they may be reaching out because
they genuinely want you back or because they don't want you to
move on. Yeah, I know it's messed up.
And this is when they start testing the waters when
avoidance hover with the bread crumbing nostalgic texts I miss
(06:19):
you with no follow through. They're often just wondering if
you're still an option without wanting to commit.
And this is where most people get played.
They break no contact and the avoidance thinks cool, they're
still hooked and disappears again.
This is why I always strongly advise against responding to
(06:42):
bread crumbs. They need to put in effort and
show that they regret the decision.
And they do want you back. And when they contact you, you
need to determine whether they really are interested in getting
back together or they're just trying to keep you on the hook
and trying to keep you from moving on.
And that can be hard to figure out, which is why I offer
(07:05):
one-on-one coaching to help you understand what's actually going
on. And the link to get coaching is,
of course, underneath every single video and podcast.
Now, if you do decide to take them back, I would strongly
recommend that you let them knowthat the prerequisite for
getting back together is for them to work on their avoidant
(07:26):
attachment style. Otherwise, it's very possible
they'll pull away or break up with you again.
And we do not want that, right? So now I want to hear from you.
How long have you been in No contact and how is it going?
And if you are listening to thisas a podcast and would like to
help the show, then just download this episode.
(07:50):
And if you found this video helpful, remember to like,
subscribe and share. And finally, remember, love
inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
If you're sitting there wondering why your avoidant X
seems so unbothered after the breakup, then this video or
podcast is for you. I'm going to break down exactly
what's going on in their mind during No Contact.
I'll be discussing the stages avoidance go through during No
Contact, why they seem so darn happy right after the breakup
(00:22):
and when that changes, how long it takes for an avoidant to miss
you, the avoidant Phantom X phenomenon, and when avoidance
typically reach out and what to say when they do.
But before I do that, I want to welcome back my beautiful no
contact Army. I hope you've been a little
soldier and stayed in no contact.
(00:43):
And if you too would like to join our no contact Army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com or you can read 2 free chapters before you
purchase the book. OK, so let's RIP that Band-Aid
off first. Your avoidant is going to be
(01:06):
happy right after the breakup, not because they never cared,
but because they're relieved. Avoidance, hate, conflict, and
emotional pressure. So when you disappear after the
breakup, they're celebrating finally.
No one's asking me to talk aboutfeelings or to reconsider.
(01:26):
That's what they're thinking. And This is why begging or
checking in backfires. The longer you linger, the
longer you extend their relief phase.
Think of it like resetting a timer.
Every text you send, they think I'm still not free.
(01:48):
But when you go radio silent, that timer starts ticking and
ticking and ticking towards the next stage, which is tantratam
distraction. They're going to suppress their
emotions. They're going to do everything
they can to not feel any negative emotions after the
(02:09):
breakup, such as missing you nostalgia or anxiety.
They'll try distracting themselves by focusing on other
things and sometimes other people.
That's why at first they come across as unbothered and you may
wonder if they ever cared. Next they're going to be in
denial and convince themselves that they've done nothing wrong
(02:34):
and it was you. They don't want to consider the
possibility that they made a mistake because that would make
them anxious. And remember, they're
suppressing their emotions and are trying to avoid feeling
anything, especially anxiety. Now here's where things get
interesting. Oh, and real quick, I got to be
(02:55):
honest, about 65% of the people listening right now have not hit
the subscribe button yet. So if my videos have ever helped
you or at least kept you from drunk dialing your ex, then tap
that subscription button. It's free, it takes half a
second, and in return, I'll keepworking hard to make these
videos as helpful as possible soyou've got the best shot at
(03:16):
getting your ex back or moving on like a boss deal.
Good. OK, so since there's a part of
them that still loves you, yes, eventually they'll begin to
wonder what the heck are you up to?
And when they get to this stage depends on you.
Yes, you. You actually have more power
(03:38):
than you think. All you have to do is stay in no
contact. However, if you keep breaking no
contact, after a week or two, they're going to be right back
in that relief stage. Now, you may have heard me say
that avoidance are like feral cats.
So if a feral cat is at your door and it feels like it wants
(04:01):
to take a step inside, but you come running to the door, then
it's going to run away. And that's exactly what's going
to happen with an avoidant. They may be thinking about
contacting you or getting closer, but all of a sudden you
do something and they get scaredand Yikes, no.
So stay in no contact. Now.
(04:24):
This is when they'll start to have conflicting emotions and
we'll wonder if they made the right decision.
They're going to be on an emotional roller coaster ride,
and that's good news for you. Sometimes they'll be certain
they made the right decision andother times they're going to
think it was a mistake. It's finally starting to hit
them that the relationship may really be over for good.
(04:48):
So if you were a good little soldier and you stayed in no
contact, they'll also be starting to miss you and realize
what you brought to their life. And a lot of people have used my
app Silencio to help them stay in no contact.
So be sure to check that out. And the link is below every
video and podcast as always. Next, your ex is going to feel a
(05:11):
void. And this is when you become the
phantom X. And a phantom X is just the
ghost of a past partner, even though that X is no longer
physically around. And you can tell that someone
has a phantom X if they mention their XA lot, they'll say things
like, well, my X used to do thisand my X used to say this.
(05:33):
Or if someone is still emotionally attached to their X,
then it's a phantom X. And that's usually because
they're still angry about it. Nostalgic.
Curious or stalking them on social media?
Next, Finally, they will want toreach out to you, but they're
(05:58):
also afraid of rejection, so they may be reaching out because
they genuinely want you back or because they don't want you to
move on. Yeah, I know it's messed up.
And this is when they start testing the waters when
avoidance hover with the bread crumbing nostalgic texts I miss
(06:19):
you with no follow through. They're often just wondering if
you're still an option without wanting to commit.
And this is where most people get played.
They break no contact and the avoidance thinks cool, they're
still hooked and disappears again.
This is why I always strongly advise against responding to
(06:42):
bread crumbs. They need to put in effort and
show that they regret the decision.
And they do want you back. And when they contact you, you
need to determine whether they really are interested in getting
back together or they're just trying to keep you on the hook
and trying to keep you from moving on.
And that can be hard to figure out, which is why I offer
(07:05):
one-on-one coaching to help you understand what's actually going
on. And the link to get coaching is,
of course, underneath every single video and podcast.
Now, if you do decide to take them back, I would strongly
recommend that you let them knowthat the prerequisite for
getting back together is for them to work on their avoidant
(07:26):
attachment style. Otherwise, it's very possible
they'll pull away or break up with you again.
And we do not want that, right? So now I want to hear from you.
How long have you been in No contact and how is it going?
And if you are listening to thisas a podcast and would like to
help the show, then just download this episode.
(07:50):
And if you found this video helpful, remember to like,
subscribe and share. And finally, remember, love
inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
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