Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Have you ever met someone who seems to want love, but runs the
moment it gets real? Or maybe you've been that
person, drawn to someone deeply,only to pull away when things
get serious? This isn't just cold feet.
This is the avoidant attachment style in action.
And today we're going deep into why avoidance rarely end up with
(00:23):
the person they truly desire andhow they unknowingly sabotage
the love they crave. Hi, this is Lucia, but the art
of love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. Have you downloaded my app
Silencio to help you stay in no contact?
(00:46):
The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. And if you're new here, drop a
(01:08):
heart in the comments so I can personally welcome you.
OK, so avoidance. Don't marry or commit long term
to the person they're most attracted to.
Instead, they choose people who feel safe, people they like but
aren't in love with. And why is that?
(01:29):
Because intense emotions triggertheir core fear, loss of
independence and engulfment. Love feels unsafe.
Vulnerability feels like a threat.
So they end up in relationships that are comfortable but
unfulfilling and often unfair totheir partners.
So they unconsciously pick someone who gives a lot
(01:51):
emotionally but doesn't demand much in return, won't push for
deep vulnerability or future plans, allows them to maintain
emotional distance without conflict.
This feels secure to them, but it's a fragile kind of security,
one that avoids true intimacy avoidance.
Confuse safety or security with emotional availability.
(02:14):
They're drawn to givers, people who are emotionally generous,
patient, and undemanding. Why?
Because avoidance want to receive love without the
pressure to give it. Equally, they feel secure with
someone who asks little of them.No deep emotional conversations,
(02:36):
no expectations for future planning, no demands for more
time or intimacy. But here's the catch.
This security is an illusion. The avoidant isn't choosing a
partner they adore. They're choosing someone who
won't trigger their fear of engulfment.
The relationship stays surface level.
Minimum physical intimacy. Minimum emotional sharing.
(03:00):
It's a partnership. Partnership built on
convenience, not passion. The relationship might seem fine
until you ask for more. More time, more commitment.
More emotional openness. And that's when the avoidance
defenses kick in. Their brain screams danger.
(03:22):
This is getting too close and their instinct is to retreat.
But instead of communicating, they often engage in micro
cheating or emotional exit strategies.
And this can be something like flirting with someone else,
keeping a backup person on standby, pulling away
(03:45):
emotionally while staying physically present, withdrawing,
being distant, vague, noncommittal, start to talk to
someone else, or revisiting an ex.
They convince themselves that they're really not that into
you, even if days before they were.
And this isn't always conscious.It's a self protection
(04:07):
mechanism, their way of regaining control when love
feels too risky. It's about self preservation.
The backup person makes the avoidant feel safe, like they
have an escape route if the relationship gets too close.
But this behavior drains their primary partner, leaving them
feeling neglected and insecure. To an avoidant, secure love
(04:31):
doesn't mean deep connection, itmeans control.
Their ideal dynamic looks like this.
A partner who doesn't trigger their fear of engulfment.
Someone they like but aren't obsessed with.
Someone who tolerates their emotional unavailability or even
their micro cheating. A dynamic where they receive
(04:52):
love but don't have to fully give it.
But here's the problem. This is A1 sided relationship.
This isn't security, it's stagnation.
The avoidant feel safe because they're in control, but over
time their partner grows resentful.
The lack of true intimacy, emotional, physical and
spiritual, drains the relationship until it collapses.
(05:18):
The relationship fails because it's unbalanced.
The avoidant takes, the giver burns out.
The avoidance stays comfortable but lonely, wondering why they
never feel truly loved. And the cruel irony is that the
best partner for an avoidant is often the one who scares them
the most. Someone who triggers their
(05:40):
deepest fears of vulnerability, makes them want to open up even
if it's uncomfortable, challenges their avoidant
patterns. Someone who they feel intensely
about, which terrifies them. Someone they want to open up to
but don't know how. And someone who they're tempted
(06:01):
to love and not to give love to,but not just receive.
But instead of choosing this person, they often run towards
someone easier. Not because they don't want deep
love, but because the nervous system associates passion with
danger. Vulnerability feels like losing
control. So they self sabotage,
(06:24):
retreating to the safe partner who demands nothing but also
guarantees no real fulfillment. Now the good news is that
avoidance can have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
So if you're listening to this and you're an avoidant,
recognize that safety isn't to the absence of love, it's the
(06:44):
presence of trust. Therapy can help you tolerate
intimacy. Lean into discomfort.
The person who scares you the most might be the one you need.
And if you're dating an avoidant, you can't love them in
interchanging. They have to do the work
themselves. Setting boundaries is key
(07:06):
because you deserve a love that's mutual and not one sided.
Love shouldn't feel like you're always waiting for them to show
up, so don't confuse potential for reality.
They have to choose growth. Set boundaries.
You deserve reciprocity and ask yourself, am I giving up my
needs to make them comfortable? If you're an avoidant to
(07:29):
understand that your desire for love is real, your fear is
understandable, but the love youtruly want is on the other side
of that fear. And if you love an avoidant,
remember, you can't fill a cup that refuses to open.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away.
Not to punish them, but to honoryourself.
(07:52):
So if this resonated with you, let me know in the comments.
Have you experienced this dynamic?
Are you in this dynamic right now?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back, you can
contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
If you found this video helpful,be sure to like, subscribe and
(08:15):
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and you want to help theshow, then just download this
episode. And finally, remember, love
inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Have you ever met someone who seems to want love, but runs the
moment it gets real? Or maybe you've been that
person, drawn to someone deeply,only to pull away when things
get serious? This isn't just cold feet.
This is the avoidant attachment style in action.
And today we're going deep into why avoidance rarely end up with
(00:23):
the person they truly desire andhow they unknowingly sabotage
the love they crave. Hi, this is Lucia, but the art
of love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. Have you downloaded my app
Silencio to help you stay in no contact?
(00:46):
The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
you're in. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. And if you're new here, drop a
(01:08):
heart in the comments so I can personally welcome you.
OK, so avoidance. Don't marry or commit long term
to the person they're most attracted to.
Instead, they choose people who feel safe, people they like but
aren't in love with. And why is that?
(01:29):
Because intense emotions triggertheir core fear, loss of
independence and engulfment. Love feels unsafe.
Vulnerability feels like a threat.
So they end up in relationships that are comfortable but
unfulfilling and often unfair totheir partners.
So they unconsciously pick someone who gives a lot
(01:51):
emotionally but doesn't demand much in return, won't push for
deep vulnerability or future plans, allows them to maintain
emotional distance without conflict.
This feels secure to them, but it's a fragile kind of security,
one that avoids true intimacy avoidance.
Confuse safety or security with emotional availability.
(02:14):
They're drawn to givers, people who are emotionally generous,
patient, and undemanding. Why?
Because avoidance want to receive love without the
pressure to give it. Equally, they feel secure with
someone who asks little of them.No deep emotional conversations,
(02:36):
no expectations for future planning, no demands for more
time or intimacy. But here's the catch.
This security is an illusion. The avoidant isn't choosing a
partner they adore. They're choosing someone who
won't trigger their fear of engulfment.
The relationship stays surface level.
Minimum physical intimacy. Minimum emotional sharing.
(03:00):
It's a partnership. Partnership built on
convenience, not passion. The relationship might seem fine
until you ask for more. More time, more commitment.
More emotional openness. And that's when the avoidance
defenses kick in. Their brain screams danger.
(03:22):
This is getting too close and their instinct is to retreat.
But instead of communicating, they often engage in micro
cheating or emotional exit strategies.
And this can be something like flirting with someone else,
keeping a backup person on standby, pulling away
(03:45):
emotionally while staying physically present, withdrawing,
being distant, vague, noncommittal, start to talk to
someone else, or revisiting an ex.
They convince themselves that they're really not that into
you, even if days before they were.
And this isn't always conscious.It's a self protection
(04:07):
mechanism, their way of regaining control when love
feels too risky. It's about self preservation.
The backup person makes the avoidant feel safe, like they
have an escape route if the relationship gets too close.
But this behavior drains their primary partner, leaving them
feeling neglected and insecure. To an avoidant, secure love
(04:31):
doesn't mean deep connection, itmeans control.
Their ideal dynamic looks like this.
A partner who doesn't trigger their fear of engulfment.
Someone they like but aren't obsessed with.
Someone who tolerates their emotional unavailability or even
their micro cheating. A dynamic where they receive
(04:52):
love but don't have to fully give it.
But here's the problem. This is A1 sided relationship.
This isn't security, it's stagnation.
The avoidant feel safe because they're in control, but over
time their partner grows resentful.
The lack of true intimacy, emotional, physical and
spiritual, drains the relationship until it collapses.
(05:18):
The relationship fails because it's unbalanced.
The avoidant takes, the giver burns out.
The avoidance stays comfortable but lonely, wondering why they
never feel truly loved. And the cruel irony is that the
best partner for an avoidant is often the one who scares them
the most. Someone who triggers their
(05:40):
deepest fears of vulnerability, makes them want to open up even
if it's uncomfortable, challenges their avoidant
patterns. Someone who they feel intensely
about, which terrifies them. Someone they want to open up to
but don't know how. And someone who they're tempted
(06:01):
to love and not to give love to,but not just receive.
But instead of choosing this person, they often run towards
someone easier. Not because they don't want deep
love, but because the nervous system associates passion with
danger. Vulnerability feels like losing
control. So they self sabotage,
(06:24):
retreating to the safe partner who demands nothing but also
guarantees no real fulfillment. Now the good news is that
avoidance can have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
So if you're listening to this and you're an avoidant,
recognize that safety isn't to the absence of love, it's the
(06:44):
presence of trust. Therapy can help you tolerate
intimacy. Lean into discomfort.
The person who scares you the most might be the one you need.
And if you're dating an avoidant, you can't love them in
interchanging. They have to do the work
themselves. Setting boundaries is key
(07:06):
because you deserve a love that's mutual and not one sided.
Love shouldn't feel like you're always waiting for them to show
up, so don't confuse potential for reality.
They have to choose growth. Set boundaries.
You deserve reciprocity and ask yourself, am I giving up my
needs to make them comfortable? If you're an avoidant to
(07:29):
understand that your desire for love is real, your fear is
understandable, but the love youtruly want is on the other side
of that fear. And if you love an avoidant,
remember, you can't fill a cup that refuses to open.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away.
Not to punish them, but to honoryourself.
(07:52):
So if this resonated with you, let me know in the comments.
Have you experienced this dynamic?
Are you in this dynamic right now?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back, you can
contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
If you found this video helpful,be sure to like, subscribe and
(08:15):
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast and you want to help theshow, then just download this
episode. And finally, remember, love
inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
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