Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
How long does it take for an avoidant ex to regret losing
you? If you've ever dated someone who
pulled away, shut down emotionally, or seemed
indifferent after a breakup, this video or podcast is for
you. Avoidant attachment styles make
breakups feel confusing and painful because one day they're
all in and the next day they're gone.
(00:23):
So do they ever regret it and ifso, how long does it take?
Well, I'm going to discuss the psychology of avoidant
attachment and what the researchshows about whether and when
they might actually miss you. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
(00:44):
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful No
contact Army. I am still doing the promotion
where if you leave a review, nota rating for my apps Silencio
and the link is underneath everysingle video and podcast, then I
will send you a copy of my book,No Contact Secrets, which you
(01:05):
can find out more about at nocontactsecrets.com.
It's over 170 pages, so there's lots of reading to be done, and
all you have to do is, as I said, leave that review and then
send me a screenshot at The Art of love.net and you can find the
(01:25):
contact on that website. OK, All right, so let's get
started. So first to clarify what
avoidant attachment is if you'renot sure.
So people with avoidant attachment, they value
independence over emotional intimacy.
They pull away when things get too serious.
(01:48):
They suppress their feelings after a breakup.
They're more likely to use distancing strategies post
breakup. They often report feeling
relieved immediately after a split.
They may seem cold or unbotheredeven if they do care.
And that's because they're wiredto distance themselves from
(02:09):
emotional pain. So their regret, if it comes,
often shows up later than you would expect.
So this explains why your avoidant X might seem cold or
unbothered. It's actually a coping
mechanism, not necessarily how they truly feel.
So when does regret hit? Well, studies on breakup
(02:33):
adjustment show a clear pattern.So phase one is relief, and
that's from zero to two months. And a study in Social
Psychological and Personality Science from 2015 found that
avoidance reported higher happiness levels immediately
(02:55):
post breakup compared to anxiousor secure individuals.
They may seem indifferent or even happy, which can be
confusing, but to them it just intimacy Feels like a trap,
sorry to tell you. And they're relieved that the
relationship is over. They don't have to deal with any
(03:16):
emotional intensity or conflict.They're living their best life.
That's why chasing after an avoiding and expressing your
love for them after a breakup isthe worst thing you could do.
That's not what they want to hear.
Now luckily for you, this is often short lived and you may
have heard me say in another video the quote, dump her, laugh
(03:39):
now, cry later. Dumpy, cry now, laugh later.
Well, don't worry, the tables will soon turn.
Although they're quote laughing now, not necessarily really
laughing, but you know what I mean, And you're crying.
Eventually they're going to be crying.
So then we move to phase two, which is delayed emotional
(04:03):
processing and this could take two to four months.
And this is when they tell themselves a story.
You know, they may think, oh, well, you know, you were too
emotional for them. You weren't right for each
other. It wasn't going to work.
They're essentially rewriting history.
They want to change the story sothey can avoid feeling regret
over breaking up with you. And they did care, but they need
(04:26):
to justify what they did. And research from the Attachment
Project shows that avoidance suppress their emotions
initially, but feelings resurface later as the emotional
dust settles and they start to reflect.
Especially if they see you moving on or thriving.
(04:50):
This can trigger doubt. This is why I have the two drink
trick that you have to use but not right away.
And that's where you show 2 drinks at a club or a restaurant
or a bar and make it look like you're on a date.
So you can't have two girly drinks as a female drink and a
(05:10):
male drink. Yes, there is such a thing.
Figure out which one is which. No umbrellas for the male drink.
So they need to pass this stage in order to feel regret.
And they can only feel regret ifyou leave them alone.
Contact. Ignore my cat.
Contacting them is not gonna make them feel regret.
If anything, it'll send them back to the relief stage.
(05:34):
The time apart from you is when they start to feel safe enough
to remember the relationship as it was, not through the filter
of their story. So then we have phase three
which is months 4:00 to 6:00. This is where they are confused
and I talked about this in my video from last week titled Your
(05:57):
X is More Confused Than You Think.
And I will put the link in the upper right hand corner on
YouTube. And that's because they expected
you to reach out, especially if you were anxious.
And you know you probably were if you were dating an avoidant.
Those two seem to be attracted to each other.
So for sure they thought that you would reach out and chase
them. But if you've been in no
(06:18):
contact, if you've been a good little soldier, you haven't done
that. And this forces them to confront
their feelings and notice that they actually do miss you now
since you're no longer around and it doesn't look like you're
going to be contacting them. And this is where doubt starts
to set in. They're not fully regretting
(06:39):
losing you yet, but they are confused and missing you.
And the reality of their decision starts to hit them.
They're realizing that they can't just run away from this
anymore. And there's a strong possibility
that they're losing you and won't be able to get you back.
And then finally, the phase you've been waiting for, yes,
(06:59):
phase four, regret. This comes six months onwards to
who knows how long. And this is when they fully
start to feel regret. They finally start to see what
they really lost when they brokeup with you.
They never thought you would move on and that would they
would completely lose you. And besides regret, they're also
(07:23):
going to start to panic. And this is when they reach out
out of nowhere. One of my clients didn't hear
from his ex until I believe it was seven months had gone by and
in that whole seven months he did not receive 1 little
breadcrumb. But unfortunately for her, for
his ex he had already moved on. There's a longitudinal
(07:47):
longitudinal study in personal relationships from 2017 that
found that avoidance were more likely to reach out after long
periods of no contact, especially if they saw their ex
thriving. Avoidance often regret a
breakup, but only after significant time and because of
(08:10):
external triggers. Like as I said, seeing you move
on. And also by this stage,
nostalgia or loneliness is goingto make them question their
decision avoidance process loss and a delay.
Their regret isn't absent, it's just slow to arrive, especially
(08:32):
if you're anxious. You want to get them back as
soon as possible, but you have to have patience.
So how can you tell if they regret it?
Well, look for things like indirect contacts.
So liking your posts, random breadcrumb texts, watching your
stories, all of a sudden asking mutual friends about you,
mentioning memories or checking in?
(08:55):
Hey, just checking in. Sure, hey.
How are you doing? Just want to see how are you.
Doing hot and cold behavior so reaching out and then
disappearing, you know hey hope you're well.
And then they're off again. So keep in mind that it takes
dismissive avoidance a lot longer to feel regret than it
(09:15):
does for anxious avoidance. And something you what
absolutely must keep in mind is that you need to let them get to
the stage where they regret the breakup if you want them back.
Real regret is when they understand how they hurt you,
understand why they did it, and they promise to work on being
better. But remember, regret doesn't
(09:39):
always mean they'll change because avoidance often repeat
their patterns unless they actively work on themselves.
That's why I say that the prerequisite for coming back for
you, allowing them to come back into your life is they have to
agree to work on their attachment style.
(10:00):
Because if they don't, it's going to happen again.
They're going to break up with you again and it's going to be
worse the second time. So don't put your life on hold.
Avoidance operate on their own timeline and it may not align
with yours. So the best thing you can do is
focus on yourself as I always say.
Because whether they've regretted or not, you do deserve
(10:22):
someone who chooses you without hesitation.
So staying no contact, do not reach out.
I know it's difficult but trust me, the pain of patience is
nothing compared to the pain of regret.
By breaking no contact you will most likely regret it and it's
(10:43):
going to take a lot longer for them to get to the regret stage.
OK so now I want to hear from you.
Have you heard from your ex and what did they say?
And if you haven't, how long have you been in no contact?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back you can contact
me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
(11:07):
They are not on the website and the direct link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
If you found this video helpful,please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast, the best way to help the show is to download this
episode. And finally, remember, love
inspires and powers up, lifts and enlightens.
How long does it take for an avoidant ex to regret losing
you? If you've ever dated someone who
pulled away, shut down emotionally, or seemed
indifferent after a breakup, this video or podcast is for
you. Avoidant attachment styles make
breakups feel confusing and painful because one day they're
all in and the next day they're gone.
(00:23):
So do they ever regret it and ifso, how long does it take?
Well, I'm going to discuss the psychology of avoidant
attachment and what the researchshows about whether and when
they might actually miss you. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
(00:44):
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful No
contact Army. I am still doing the promotion
where if you leave a review, nota rating for my apps Silencio
and the link is underneath everysingle video and podcast, then I
will send you a copy of my book,No Contact Secrets, which you
(01:05):
can find out more about at nocontactsecrets.com.
It's over 170 pages, so there's lots of reading to be done, and
all you have to do is, as I said, leave that review and then
send me a screenshot at The Art of love.net and you can find the
(01:25):
contact on that website. OK, All right, so let's get
started. So first to clarify what
avoidant attachment is if you'renot sure.
So people with avoidant attachment, they value
independence over emotional intimacy.
They pull away when things get too serious.
(01:48):
They suppress their feelings after a breakup.
They're more likely to use distancing strategies post
breakup. They often report feeling
relieved immediately after a split.
They may seem cold or unbotheredeven if they do care.
And that's because they're wiredto distance themselves from
(02:09):
emotional pain. So their regret, if it comes,
often shows up later than you would expect.
So this explains why your avoidant X might seem cold or
unbothered. It's actually a coping
mechanism, not necessarily how they truly feel.
So when does regret hit? Well, studies on breakup
(02:33):
adjustment show a clear pattern.So phase one is relief, and
that's from zero to two months. And a study in Social
Psychological and Personality Science from 2015 found that
avoidance reported higher happiness levels immediately
(02:55):
post breakup compared to anxiousor secure individuals.
They may seem indifferent or even happy, which can be
confusing, but to them it just intimacy Feels like a trap,
sorry to tell you. And they're relieved that the
relationship is over. They don't have to deal with any
(03:16):
emotional intensity or conflict.They're living their best life.
That's why chasing after an avoiding and expressing your
love for them after a breakup isthe worst thing you could do.
That's not what they want to hear.
Now luckily for you, this is often short lived and you may
have heard me say in another video the quote, dump her, laugh
(03:39):
now, cry later. Dumpy, cry now, laugh later.
Well, don't worry, the tables will soon turn.
Although they're quote laughing now, not necessarily really
laughing, but you know what I mean, And you're crying.
Eventually they're going to be crying.
So then we move to phase two, which is delayed emotional
(04:03):
processing and this could take two to four months.
And this is when they tell themselves a story.
You know, they may think, oh, well, you know, you were too
emotional for them. You weren't right for each
other. It wasn't going to work.
They're essentially rewriting history.
They want to change the story sothey can avoid feeling regret
over breaking up with you. And they did care, but they need
(04:26):
to justify what they did. And research from the Attachment
Project shows that avoidance suppress their emotions
initially, but feelings resurface later as the emotional
dust settles and they start to reflect.
Especially if they see you moving on or thriving.
(04:50):
This can trigger doubt. This is why I have the two drink
trick that you have to use but not right away.
And that's where you show 2 drinks at a club or a restaurant
or a bar and make it look like you're on a date.
So you can't have two girly drinks as a female drink and a
(05:10):
male drink. Yes, there is such a thing.
Figure out which one is which. No umbrellas for the male drink.
So they need to pass this stage in order to feel regret.
And they can only feel regret ifyou leave them alone.
Contact. Ignore my cat.
Contacting them is not gonna make them feel regret.
If anything, it'll send them back to the relief stage.
(05:34):
The time apart from you is when they start to feel safe enough
to remember the relationship as it was, not through the filter
of their story. So then we have phase three
which is months 4:00 to 6:00. This is where they are confused
and I talked about this in my video from last week titled Your
(05:57):
X is More Confused Than You Think.
And I will put the link in the upper right hand corner on
YouTube. And that's because they expected
you to reach out, especially if you were anxious.
And you know you probably were if you were dating an avoidant.
Those two seem to be attracted to each other.
So for sure they thought that you would reach out and chase
them. But if you've been in no
(06:18):
contact, if you've been a good little soldier, you haven't done
that. And this forces them to confront
their feelings and notice that they actually do miss you now
since you're no longer around and it doesn't look like you're
going to be contacting them. And this is where doubt starts
to set in. They're not fully regretting
(06:39):
losing you yet, but they are confused and missing you.
And the reality of their decision starts to hit them.
They're realizing that they can't just run away from this
anymore. And there's a strong possibility
that they're losing you and won't be able to get you back.
And then finally, the phase you've been waiting for, yes,
(06:59):
phase four, regret. This comes six months onwards to
who knows how long. And this is when they fully
start to feel regret. They finally start to see what
they really lost when they brokeup with you.
They never thought you would move on and that would they
would completely lose you. And besides regret, they're also
(07:23):
going to start to panic. And this is when they reach out
out of nowhere. One of my clients didn't hear
from his ex until I believe it was seven months had gone by and
in that whole seven months he did not receive 1 little
breadcrumb. But unfortunately for her, for
his ex he had already moved on. There's a longitudinal
(07:47):
longitudinal study in personal relationships from 2017 that
found that avoidance were more likely to reach out after long
periods of no contact, especially if they saw their ex
thriving. Avoidance often regret a
breakup, but only after significant time and because of
(08:10):
external triggers. Like as I said, seeing you move
on. And also by this stage,
nostalgia or loneliness is goingto make them question their
decision avoidance process loss and a delay.
Their regret isn't absent, it's just slow to arrive, especially
(08:32):
if you're anxious. You want to get them back as
soon as possible, but you have to have patience.
So how can you tell if they regret it?
Well, look for things like indirect contacts.
So liking your posts, random breadcrumb texts, watching your
stories, all of a sudden asking mutual friends about you,
mentioning memories or checking in?
(08:55):
Hey, just checking in. Sure, hey.
How are you doing? Just want to see how are you.
Doing hot and cold behavior so reaching out and then
disappearing, you know hey hope you're well.
And then they're off again. So keep in mind that it takes
dismissive avoidance a lot longer to feel regret than it
(09:15):
does for anxious avoidance. And something you what
absolutely must keep in mind is that you need to let them get to
the stage where they regret the breakup if you want them back.
Real regret is when they understand how they hurt you,
understand why they did it, and they promise to work on being
better. But remember, regret doesn't
(09:39):
always mean they'll change because avoidance often repeat
their patterns unless they actively work on themselves.
That's why I say that the prerequisite for coming back for
you, allowing them to come back into your life is they have to
agree to work on their attachment style.
(10:00):
Because if they don't, it's going to happen again.
They're going to break up with you again and it's going to be
worse the second time. So don't put your life on hold.
Avoidance operate on their own timeline and it may not align
with yours. So the best thing you can do is
focus on yourself as I always say.
Because whether they've regretted or not, you do deserve
(10:22):
someone who chooses you without hesitation.
So staying no contact, do not reach out.
I know it's difficult but trust me, the pain of patience is
nothing compared to the pain of regret.
By breaking no contact you will most likely regret it and it's
(10:43):
going to take a lot longer for them to get to the regret stage.
OK so now I want to hear from you.
Have you heard from your ex and what did they say?
And if you haven't, how long have you been in no contact?
And if you would like my help toget your ex back you can contact
me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
(11:07):
They are not on the website and the direct link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
If you found this video helpful,please like, subscribe and
share. If you're listening to this as a
podcast, the best way to help the show is to download this
episode. And finally, remember, love
inspires and powers up, lifts and enlightens.
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