Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
You will not get your X back if you don't do no contact
correctly. The more things you do right
after a breakup, the higher yourchances of getting your X back.
The more things you do wrong after a breakup, the lower your
chances of getting your X back. I did a video five years ago on
the rules of no contact and I'llput the link in the upper right
(00:31):
hand corner on YouTube. However, I thought it's time to
redo another one since I have some new rules.
I've learned a thing or two since then and it never hurts to
go back over the rules as there's a lot of new subscribers
and they may not know all the rules.
All my rules for no contact so stay tuned.
(00:52):
Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful NoContact army.
Thank you to everyone who downloaded my app Silencio to
help you stay in no contact and who sent in a review in exchange
for a free copy of my book, No Contact Secrets.
(01:15):
A couple of the reviews I have to tell you, they had me almost
on the verge of tears, me and mydeveloper.
So thank you. It's nice to know that we're
really helping a lot of people through their breakup.
And if you 2 would like to join our beautiful no contact army,
all you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. OK, so if you've heard me
(01:40):
before, you've heard me say thatin terms of getting your ex
back, you do nothing. You do not lift a finger.
And I mean that literally and figuratively.
And in fact, that brings me to my first new rule, and that is
(02:02):
if your ex calls you, do not tryto send them to voicemail.
Let the phone naturally take them to voicemail.
And the reason I'm saying this is because one of my clients,
who I learn a lot from as they make their mistakes, was on the
phone. Her ex called and she wanted to
send him to voicemail and instead she ended up picking up
(02:24):
the phone, which breaks the no contact rule.
You're not supposed to respond when your ex calls.
And I don't care how many times they call.
And people sometimes think, oh, but maybe it's an emergency.
Well, why would they be calling you if it's an emergency?
They kicked you out of their life.
Why do they suddenly need to speak with you?
(02:45):
If it's an emergency, they will leave a message, They will text
you, but they're not going to just call and call and call and
not leave a message. They're just trying to get you
to respond because they're feeling anxious at that moment.
So do not respond. And unfortunately, she then went
(03:07):
on to make another mistake. She stayed on the phone with him
for 30 minutes. And another rule of no contact
is that when you run into your ex or if you happen to pick up
the phone by mistake, as in thiscase or whatever, you do not
give your ex a lot of time. And in fact, I have a video on
(03:27):
that and I'll put the link up onYouTube.
And she said to me afterwards, well, he didn't want to get back
together. But, you know, I didn't really
break no contact if he doesn't know that I want to get back
together. And I said, girl, the fact that
you gave him 30 minutes shows that you're still interested,
(03:48):
OK? Actions speak louder than words.
If you're not interested in someone, you are not going to be
on the phone with them for 30 minutes.
It's going to be a very short conversation if you happen to
pick up by mistake. OK, so keep those things in
mind. Next, another mistake that
someone made, change your passwords if your ex has them.
(04:11):
Someone wrote in and said that she realized her ex has the
password had hopefully she changed it to her YouTube and
she was watching yours truly on YouTube so he could see that she
was trying to get him back. And she said, is there any hope?
And at that time I said, well, you know, the enemy knows your
(04:32):
game plan. Not really.
But then I thought about it and I thought, actually, you know
what? The only thing you can do in
that case is to pretend that you're changing course.
So make it seem like, yeah, I wanted you back.
But now you're going to start watching videos on how to get
over an X, how to move on, what to wear on a first date, how to
(04:55):
flirt on a first date, right. So it's going to look like
you're moving on, but in the meantime, change all your
passwords. They should not have access to
your passwords anymore. Next, we have no blocking until
60 days. And why 60 days?
(05:17):
Because most people, your ex will contact you between days 45
and 60. Not everyone, but in most cases.
So we're giving them 60 days to reach out to you with something
significant. And if they don't, but they're
watching your stories or commenting or your posts or
(05:38):
liking your posts or whatever, they're getting a reward out of
it. They're getting a dopamine hit.
They get to be a part of your life still without really being
in your life anymore. So we want to cut off that
dopamine hit. That's why I say to block after
60 days. Now, if you've already blocked
them and it's before 60 days, donot unblock them because it
(06:01):
shows that you're unsure about your decision, which means that
you're still interested. So no blocking and unblocking.
Blocking and unblocking if they're already blocked.
They say blocked if they're not blocked, which you get to 60
days and then you can block them.
But if you don't want to block them, that's fine too.
I know people freak out when I say to block after 60 days.
(06:25):
Now one question that I got after the last video was, and I
quote, well, if we block them out of the blue after
hypothetically 60 days or more, won't they have an ego
validation that they're still affecting us?
Wouldn't indifference be a better option?
No, why are you? Why is ego validation the only
(06:49):
option of how they could feel about you blocking them?
How about you're dating someone else and you're moving on and
you don't want them to see? How about that?
It's not necessarily an ego validation.
They don't know what you're feeling.
You've been silent for 60 days. If anything, it's going to be an
ego shock. So don't be afraid to block
(07:11):
after 60 days, although I know alot of you won't.
Another new rule which I made a whole video on and I'll put the
link in the right hand corner ifI can find that video because I
don't remember the title. And that is if someone contacts
you and says, oh, your ex is still interested but they're
afraid to reach out, they're afraid you're going to reject
them, too bad they broke up withyou.
(07:34):
They need to contact you. And some of you may remember I
did the video where the guy, hisex's daughter, reached out and
said to contact her mother. And I told him to say no and he
initially said no, but then she called back again.
She was on the verge of tears and she said please, please
contact her. And he didn't tell me.
(07:56):
He contacted her. She never responded.
And then we found out she was actually dating someone else.
So what I think happened in thatcase actually was that the ex
was not saying she was afraid ofrejection.
I think the daughter wanted themto get back together, maybe
didn't like the new guy, and that's what happened.
So if a friend or a family member or someone says please
(08:20):
contact them, they're scared. No, the answer is no.
Next rule, do not agree to be friends.
OK, that's not going to work. You think you're going to sneak
your way back in to dating them again or being in a relationship
with them? You're not going to be able to
handle the friendship. And a lot of times they just say
(08:40):
that has something to say and then they don't even keep up
their end of the bargain of being friends.
So it's not even worth it. And if you've already agreed to
it, just say hey I changed my mind.
Next, do not wish them a happy birthday.
If they contact you and they wish you a happy birthday,
(09:02):
that's fine you can respond. But do not contact them to wish
them a happy birthday or anything.
Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, whatever.
And understand that if you do not wish them a happy birthday,
at times some people they will unfriend you or maybe even block
(09:23):
you. And that's in response to the
fact that they expected you to wish them a happy birthday even
though they dumped you. So just be prepared for that
next. Oh, and one more thing about the
the birthday thing. I know it's a big well everyone
has a birthday. So it always comes up if you
were close with one or several of their children or one of
(09:44):
their family members. Yes, you can say happy birthday,
but do not talk about the relationship and obviously don't
ask about your ex. And Speaking of family and
friends, do not talk to them if they are have contact with your
ex. If they know your ex, do not
tell them that you're doing no contact.
Obviously do not tell them you're upset.
(10:04):
Do not tell them that you're sad.
No Intel goes out to anyone thathas access to your ex.
Just say, well, you know, yeah, it was unexpected.
It was tough at first, but you know, life goes on and I'm
moving on. That has to be your attitude.
That's what you say next, and I've talked about this a million
times. Of course, don't respond to
(10:25):
bread crumbs. Anything that's not significant
where it shows that they're changing their mind, they regret
the breakup and they need to sound humble.
If they sound angry, don't respond.
I miss you is a breadcrumb. Although I do have a video on 40
ways to respond to the I miss you text if you want to respond
(10:48):
and I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner.
But it's generally A breadcrumb because they might be missing
you today doesn't mean they missyou tomorrow.
They're going to miss you tomorrow.
So I wouldn't necessarily respond to that.
Plus if you say if they say I miss you and you don't respond,
if they really do miss you then they will text again.
(11:10):
Now, no looking at their stories, snaps, WhatsApp status,
anything where they can see thatyou have seen their story, do
not continue a snap streak. OK?
I can't believe some people would break up.
It's like what we have a snap streak?
Who cares? The only reason that a snap
(11:31):
streak even exists is because Snapchat wants you to go on the
app every day. OK, that's the only reason for
it. There's no reason to have a snap
streak with anyone. Obviously do not like their
posts and mute their story so that you do not view them
accidentally. Now, if you have stuff at their
(11:54):
place and you need it, or if youneed them to get their stuff out
of your place, it's fine to contact them, OK?
That isn't breaking no contact because you're not giving them
hope that you want them back. You're not showing interest.
I mean, if anything, it's the opposite.
It's like, hey, I want my stuff.Hey, get your stuff out of here,
OK? If you run into them, be polite
(12:17):
but neutral. Don't give them a lot of time.
As I said, try to get away from them as soon as possible.
And one of the comments someone wrote on the last video was well
what if you work with them and they walk into your office?
Well then jump out the window. Just kidding.
Again, be polite, neutral, try to end the conversation as soon
(12:39):
as possible. If they are posting things where
it shows that they're angry on social media, do not respond.
They're trying to break you to get no contact.
They're venting. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
If you have children together, you work together as I
mentioned, or if you have schooltogether you're going to see
(13:00):
them again. Brief interactions.
If you have children, you only contact them if it regards the
children and that's it. And I've done a video on that so
I will post a link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube
now. If you cheated or took them for
(13:20):
granted, then it's up to you to get them back.
So you should not be in no contact at first.
You're going to try to stop the breakup.
Obviously, you know, if you cheated on them and they say
it's over you and you say OK andbe like what?
You're like no, sorry, please, please.
You know, no, it's over. OK.
(13:41):
Then you give them at least 30 days and then you can start
trying to get them back. And you can always contact me
for coaching to help you with that situation.
Some people have said well no contact doesn't work on women.
Shut up. Just because it didn't work for
you it doesn't mean it didn't work for women.
Listen most of my clients are men and I've helped them get
(14:04):
their X back. OK.
When you break no contact the count starts all over again.
So if you have my silencio app then you have to reset the timer
again back to 0. So that's why you don't want to
break no contact. Another question people always
ask is well what if the ex is also in no contact?
(14:26):
Well if they were the dumper then they need to reach out to
you. So unless as I just mentioned
you cheated or took them for granted, then it's their job to
try to get you back. So I don't care if there are no
contact. That doesn't mean that you reach
out just because there are no contact.
Plus, how do you know that thereare no contact?
(14:46):
Maybe they're just not interested.
So stop looking for ways to break no contact.
OK, so now I want to hear from you.
After hearing these rules, I'm sure you have some questions
about no contact, so please postthem below and I will be happy
to answer and let me know if I missed any rules.
I'm sure I did, there's a lot ofthem.
And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
(15:09):
ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
will send you the rates. If you found this video helpful,
please like, subscribe and share.
If you're listening to this as apodcast, I would appreciate if
you would download the show, theepisode, and then finally,
remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
(15:30):
enlightens.
You will not get your X back if you don't do no contact
correctly. The more things you do right
after a breakup, the higher yourchances of getting your X back.
The more things you do wrong after a breakup, the lower your
chances of getting your X back. I did a video five years ago on
the rules of no contact and I'llput the link in the upper right
(00:31):
hand corner on YouTube. However, I thought it's time to
redo another one since I have some new rules.
I've learned a thing or two since then and it never hurts to
go back over the rules as there's a lot of new subscribers
and they may not know all the rules.
All my rules for no contact so stay tuned.
(00:52):
Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
And welcome back my beautiful NoContact army.
Thank you to everyone who downloaded my app Silencio to
help you stay in no contact and who sent in a review in exchange
for a free copy of my book, No Contact Secrets.
(01:15):
A couple of the reviews I have to tell you, they had me almost
on the verge of tears, me and mydeveloper.
So thank you. It's nice to know that we're
really helping a lot of people through their breakup.
And if you 2 would like to join our beautiful no contact army,
all you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification and you're in. OK, so if you've heard me
(01:40):
before, you've heard me say thatin terms of getting your ex
back, you do nothing. You do not lift a finger.
And I mean that literally and figuratively.
And in fact, that brings me to my first new rule, and that is
(02:02):
if your ex calls you, do not tryto send them to voicemail.
Let the phone naturally take them to voicemail.
And the reason I'm saying this is because one of my clients,
who I learn a lot from as they make their mistakes, was on the
phone. Her ex called and she wanted to
send him to voicemail and instead she ended up picking up
(02:24):
the phone, which breaks the no contact rule.
You're not supposed to respond when your ex calls.
And I don't care how many times they call.
And people sometimes think, oh, but maybe it's an emergency.
Well, why would they be calling you if it's an emergency?
They kicked you out of their life.
Why do they suddenly need to speak with you?
(02:45):
If it's an emergency, they will leave a message, They will text
you, but they're not going to just call and call and call and
not leave a message. They're just trying to get you
to respond because they're feeling anxious at that moment.
So do not respond. And unfortunately, she then went
(03:07):
on to make another mistake. She stayed on the phone with him
for 30 minutes. And another rule of no contact
is that when you run into your ex or if you happen to pick up
the phone by mistake, as in thiscase or whatever, you do not
give your ex a lot of time. And in fact, I have a video on
(03:27):
that and I'll put the link up onYouTube.
And she said to me afterwards, well, he didn't want to get back
together. But, you know, I didn't really
break no contact if he doesn't know that I want to get back
together. And I said, girl, the fact that
you gave him 30 minutes shows that you're still interested,
(03:48):
OK? Actions speak louder than words.
If you're not interested in someone, you are not going to be
on the phone with them for 30 minutes.
It's going to be a very short conversation if you happen to
pick up by mistake. OK, so keep those things in
mind. Next, another mistake that
someone made, change your passwords if your ex has them.
(04:11):
Someone wrote in and said that she realized her ex has the
password had hopefully she changed it to her YouTube and
she was watching yours truly on YouTube so he could see that she
was trying to get him back. And she said, is there any hope?
And at that time I said, well, you know, the enemy knows your
(04:32):
game plan. Not really.
But then I thought about it and I thought, actually, you know
what? The only thing you can do in
that case is to pretend that you're changing course.
So make it seem like, yeah, I wanted you back.
But now you're going to start watching videos on how to get
over an X, how to move on, what to wear on a first date, how to
(04:55):
flirt on a first date, right. So it's going to look like
you're moving on, but in the meantime, change all your
passwords. They should not have access to
your passwords anymore. Next, we have no blocking until
60 days. And why 60 days?
(05:17):
Because most people, your ex will contact you between days 45
and 60. Not everyone, but in most cases.
So we're giving them 60 days to reach out to you with something
significant. And if they don't, but they're
watching your stories or commenting or your posts or
(05:38):
liking your posts or whatever, they're getting a reward out of
it. They're getting a dopamine hit.
They get to be a part of your life still without really being
in your life anymore. So we want to cut off that
dopamine hit. That's why I say to block after
60 days. Now, if you've already blocked
them and it's before 60 days, donot unblock them because it
(06:01):
shows that you're unsure about your decision, which means that
you're still interested. So no blocking and unblocking.
Blocking and unblocking if they're already blocked.
They say blocked if they're not blocked, which you get to 60
days and then you can block them.
But if you don't want to block them, that's fine too.
I know people freak out when I say to block after 60 days.
(06:25):
Now one question that I got after the last video was, and I
quote, well, if we block them out of the blue after
hypothetically 60 days or more, won't they have an ego
validation that they're still affecting us?
Wouldn't indifference be a better option?
No, why are you? Why is ego validation the only
(06:49):
option of how they could feel about you blocking them?
How about you're dating someone else and you're moving on and
you don't want them to see? How about that?
It's not necessarily an ego validation.
They don't know what you're feeling.
You've been silent for 60 days. If anything, it's going to be an
ego shock. So don't be afraid to block
(07:11):
after 60 days, although I know alot of you won't.
Another new rule which I made a whole video on and I'll put the
link in the right hand corner ifI can find that video because I
don't remember the title. And that is if someone contacts
you and says, oh, your ex is still interested but they're
afraid to reach out, they're afraid you're going to reject
them, too bad they broke up withyou.
(07:34):
They need to contact you. And some of you may remember I
did the video where the guy, hisex's daughter, reached out and
said to contact her mother. And I told him to say no and he
initially said no, but then she called back again.
She was on the verge of tears and she said please, please
contact her. And he didn't tell me.
(07:56):
He contacted her. She never responded.
And then we found out she was actually dating someone else.
So what I think happened in thatcase actually was that the ex
was not saying she was afraid ofrejection.
I think the daughter wanted themto get back together, maybe
didn't like the new guy, and that's what happened.
So if a friend or a family member or someone says please
(08:20):
contact them, they're scared. No, the answer is no.
Next rule, do not agree to be friends.
OK, that's not going to work. You think you're going to sneak
your way back in to dating them again or being in a relationship
with them? You're not going to be able to
handle the friendship. And a lot of times they just say
(08:40):
that has something to say and then they don't even keep up
their end of the bargain of being friends.
So it's not even worth it. And if you've already agreed to
it, just say hey I changed my mind.
Next, do not wish them a happy birthday.
If they contact you and they wish you a happy birthday,
(09:02):
that's fine you can respond. But do not contact them to wish
them a happy birthday or anything.
Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, whatever.
And understand that if you do not wish them a happy birthday,
at times some people they will unfriend you or maybe even block
(09:23):
you. And that's in response to the
fact that they expected you to wish them a happy birthday even
though they dumped you. So just be prepared for that
next. Oh, and one more thing about the
the birthday thing. I know it's a big well everyone
has a birthday. So it always comes up if you
were close with one or several of their children or one of
(09:44):
their family members. Yes, you can say happy birthday,
but do not talk about the relationship and obviously don't
ask about your ex. And Speaking of family and
friends, do not talk to them if they are have contact with your
ex. If they know your ex, do not
tell them that you're doing no contact.
Obviously do not tell them you're upset.
(10:04):
Do not tell them that you're sad.
No Intel goes out to anyone thathas access to your ex.
Just say, well, you know, yeah, it was unexpected.
It was tough at first, but you know, life goes on and I'm
moving on. That has to be your attitude.
That's what you say next, and I've talked about this a million
times. Of course, don't respond to
(10:25):
bread crumbs. Anything that's not significant
where it shows that they're changing their mind, they regret
the breakup and they need to sound humble.
If they sound angry, don't respond.
I miss you is a breadcrumb. Although I do have a video on 40
ways to respond to the I miss you text if you want to respond
(10:48):
and I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner.
But it's generally A breadcrumb because they might be missing
you today doesn't mean they missyou tomorrow.
They're going to miss you tomorrow.
So I wouldn't necessarily respond to that.
Plus if you say if they say I miss you and you don't respond,
if they really do miss you then they will text again.
(11:10):
Now, no looking at their stories, snaps, WhatsApp status,
anything where they can see thatyou have seen their story, do
not continue a snap streak. OK?
I can't believe some people would break up.
It's like what we have a snap streak?
Who cares? The only reason that a snap
(11:31):
streak even exists is because Snapchat wants you to go on the
app every day. OK, that's the only reason for
it. There's no reason to have a snap
streak with anyone. Obviously do not like their
posts and mute their story so that you do not view them
accidentally. Now, if you have stuff at their
(11:54):
place and you need it, or if youneed them to get their stuff out
of your place, it's fine to contact them, OK?
That isn't breaking no contact because you're not giving them
hope that you want them back. You're not showing interest.
I mean, if anything, it's the opposite.
It's like, hey, I want my stuff.Hey, get your stuff out of here,
OK? If you run into them, be polite
(12:17):
but neutral. Don't give them a lot of time.
As I said, try to get away from them as soon as possible.
And one of the comments someone wrote on the last video was well
what if you work with them and they walk into your office?
Well then jump out the window. Just kidding.
Again, be polite, neutral, try to end the conversation as soon
(12:39):
as possible. If they are posting things where
it shows that they're angry on social media, do not respond.
They're trying to break you to get no contact.
They're venting. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
If you have children together, you work together as I
mentioned, or if you have schooltogether you're going to see
(13:00):
them again. Brief interactions.
If you have children, you only contact them if it regards the
children and that's it. And I've done a video on that so
I will post a link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube
now. If you cheated or took them for
(13:20):
granted, then it's up to you to get them back.
So you should not be in no contact at first.
You're going to try to stop the breakup.
Obviously, you know, if you cheated on them and they say
it's over you and you say OK andbe like what?
You're like no, sorry, please, please.
You know, no, it's over. OK.
(13:41):
Then you give them at least 30 days and then you can start
trying to get them back. And you can always contact me
for coaching to help you with that situation.
Some people have said well no contact doesn't work on women.
Shut up. Just because it didn't work for
you it doesn't mean it didn't work for women.
Listen most of my clients are men and I've helped them get
(14:04):
their X back. OK.
When you break no contact the count starts all over again.
So if you have my silencio app then you have to reset the timer
again back to 0. So that's why you don't want to
break no contact. Another question people always
ask is well what if the ex is also in no contact?
(14:26):
Well if they were the dumper then they need to reach out to
you. So unless as I just mentioned
you cheated or took them for granted, then it's their job to
try to get you back. So I don't care if there are no
contact. That doesn't mean that you reach
out just because there are no contact.
Plus, how do you know that thereare no contact?
(14:46):
Maybe they're just not interested.
So stop looking for ways to break no contact.
OK, so now I want to hear from you.
After hearing these rules, I'm sure you have some questions
about no contact, so please postthem below and I will be happy
to answer and let me know if I missed any rules.
I'm sure I did, there's a lot ofthem.
And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
(15:09):
ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
will send you the rates. If you found this video helpful,
please like, subscribe and share.
If you're listening to this as apodcast, I would appreciate if
you would download the show, theepisode, and then finally,
remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
(15:30):
enlightens.
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