July 23, 2025 • 12 mins
Struggling with no contact? If you have an anxious attachment style, silence from your ex can feel like physical pain.
In this episode, dating/relationship expert Lucia shares why no contact is so hard for you and the dopamine hacks to use to rewire your nervous system.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:07):
If you have an anxious attachment style, no contact
feels like emotional torture. You check your phone
obsessively. You replay old messages.
You stalk your ex's social media.
You physically ache for a reply and worst of all you feel weak
(00:27):
for struggling when everyone else just says move on.
Well, today I'm going to explainwhy this is so hard for you and
how to get through it so that you have an easier time staying
and no contact, which means thatyou'll have a better chance of
getting your ex back. But first, hi, this is Lucia
with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
(00:48):
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. Have you been a good little
soldier? If you have, then you've stayed
in no contact and you've also downloaded my app Silencio to
help you stay in no contact. And the link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
(01:09):
And if you too would like to join our No Contact army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. OK, so why does no contact hit
differently for people who are anxious?
(01:31):
Well, imagine that your brain has a built in alarm system for
connection. And for people with a secure
attachment, that alarm is chill.It's like we'll hear from them
when we hear from them. For people with a dismissive
avoidant attachment style, they're busy doing their own
things, so they're not even worried about when they're going
(01:52):
to hear from someone. But for anxious attachers, that
alarm is a full blown siren. Studies show that when you're
separated from someone you're attached to, your brain
activates the same regions as physical pain.
That's why it feels like withdrawal, because on a
(02:13):
neurological level it is. And the reason you find it
difficult to do no contact with your ex when you have an anxious
attachment style is because yourbrain has been hijacked.
You have an abandonment wound and to you silence equals I'm
losing them forever. So if your ex gives you any type
(02:38):
of attention, even bread crumbs,your brain floods with dopamine,
adrenaline and oxytocin. And then when they withdraw,
cortisol spikes and this createspanic and craving.
And then if they pop up again, your system rewards you with
another huge neurochemical high.Now this is known as
(03:03):
intermittent reinforcement or positive partial reinforcement,
which I talked about in a video that I made a long time ago.
And if I can find it, I will place the link in the upper
right hand corner on YouTube. And it's also the reason why
slot machines are so addictive, except that you're not addicted
to a machine. You're addicted to your ex.
(03:24):
And you can't stop pressing thatbutton on that machine, so to
speak. So every time you text them,
call them, or attempt to reconnect, you're hoping to win
the jackpot. You're hoping to get them back.
However, similar to gambling, you get enough small wins to
keep you hoping. But the biggest, the most
(03:45):
dangerous part of this is that your brain interprets their
intermittent reinforcement, their hot and cold, their
unpredictability as interest. And you learn this pattern as a
child when love was unpredictable and it often had
to be earned. So it feels familiar and it
(04:05):
feels safe because it reflects your earliest experiences with
love. And so every time they respond,
you think that this time it's going to be different, and this
time they'll come back. But the fact is that addicts
always think that the next hit is going to be the one that
satisfies them, but it rarely is.
(04:27):
So this isn't about willpower, it's about your nervous system
being stuck in a loop that says if you just try harder, they'll
come back. However, as usual, when it comes
to matters of the heart, the best thing to do feels
counterintuitive. Here's the paradox.
The more you feed the anxiety with contact, the worse it gets.
(04:51):
So every time you check their socials or send it just checking
in text, you're telling your brain this person is still my
lifeline. No contact is the only way to
reset that wiring. It's like pressing pause on the
addiction. The stress hormone cortisol
(05:14):
drops after 30 days of no contact.
That's why the 1st 30 days are the hardest.
And by the way, before I continue, I just want to mention
that 65% of people who listen tome are not subscribed.
So if I could ask you a favor, it would be that if my videos
have ever helped you in any way and you want to give something
(05:35):
back, then just hit the subscribe button.
And I promise that I'm going to continue to work hard to put out
interesting and helpful videos so that you will have a better
chance of getting your ex back. Thank you.
So I know it feels like you're dying, but look at it this way.
What if this pain is your systemfinally learning that it can
(05:58):
survive without them? So how can you survive no
contact whether you're on day one or day 30 or even beyond
that? Well, you have to replace the
HIT. And by that I mean your brain
craves your X because it's used to the dopamine.
(06:19):
That's why breakups are so brutal, because the dopamine is
instantly cut off when they break up with you.
You don't always necessarily want your X back, but you do
want that dopamine. Give me that dopamine.
OK, fine, you got it. So to stay strong, you're going
to need healthy alternative sources of dopamine to rewire
(06:40):
your brain away from your dependency on your X.
So here is a list of science backed dopamine boosters to help
you through your withdrawal. There's a lot of them so you're
going to have to listen to this over and over again, but I will
try to go as fast as possible. OK, so one is physical movement
(07:00):
and that's the fastest dopamine fix.
So exercise, even 10 minutes of dancing, jumping jacks, a brisk
walk, cold showers. This triggers a 250% dopamine
spike, which lasts for hours, according to a study by Doctor
Andrew Huberman. This makes me want to go take a
cold shower right now. Yoga or stretching.
(07:25):
This releases tension and endorphins.
Then we have the novelty and exploration category.
So try a new hobby. Pottery, hiking, learning a
language, anything with small wins.
Go somewhere and you've never been before.
A Cafe, a park, even a differentgrocery store.
Go home a different way, listen to new music because novel
(07:47):
sounds trigger dopamine. Then we have the social
connection without your X category.
And under that we have a phone, a friend, kind of like they have
on who wants to be a millionaire.
So find someone who's safe, who you can text instead of your X.
And for my clients, it's usuallyme and I usually hear from them
(08:08):
when they've been triggered by something that they saw or they
heard and they want to reach out.
So luckily they reach out to me instead most of the time, not
all the time. And I talk them down off the
ledge, so to speak. Or you could also pet an animal,
dogs and cats. They increase oxytocin and
dopamine. Next, we have the creative
(08:28):
outlets. So write a rage letter and then
burn it or delete it. And this is cathartic and
releases the emotional charge around the breakup and around
your feelings for them. Cook a fancy meal if you're into
cooking. I'm not.
But hey. So the process of chopping,
smelling, tasting is rewarding in itself.
(08:49):
Or draw paint or color. Even if you can't don't know
what you're doing. Just you don't just do it.
Then we have small wins and we start with tiny goals.
So instead of 30 days no contact, start with an hour,
then a day. Your brain needs proof that you
can survive without your ex. And that's why people love the
(09:12):
counter on my Silencio app because it shows how many days
that they've been in no contact and they feel like they're
making progress. I was actually surprised that
people said, wow, this counter is so helpful.
I'm like, it is. I mean, we knew it was going to
be helpful. We didn't know it was going to
be that helpful. But that's because I don't have
anxious attachment. So then we have video games.
(09:36):
So short term wins can help, butdon't overdo it and start
becoming addicted to video games.
We don't want to trade one addiction for another.
Or if you are going to trade oneaddiction for another, make it a
good addiction, like working out.
Next we have sensory pleasures. No, it's not what you think.
There's dark, dark chocolate, there's essential oils and
(09:59):
apparently citrus scents like orange boost dopamine.
And then we have the weighted blanket that I keep hearing
about. And that's because deep pressure
calms the nervous system. Under the mindfulness and
anticipation category. This is long term dopamine.
You can plan a future trip and even if it's imaginary,
(10:23):
anticipation is actually 50% of dopamine.
There's gratitude journaling andthat shifts the focus from lack
to abundance. And of course, meditation, which
I have talked about endlessly, and that's because it increases
your dopamine receptors over time.
So keep in mind that you're not depriving yourself of your ex.
(10:46):
You're detoxing to make space for better dopamine sources.
And you can even dopamine stack.So that means that you combine
two or three of these things. So go for a walk, call a friend,
and listen to new music. Hey, so this isn't about getting
over your ex. It's about proving to your body
(11:07):
that you're safe even when your ex is silent.
And if you're listening to this,you're already doing the work.
People with an anxious attachment style have a great
capacity to love, but that love needs to be reciprocated, not
negotiated. So stick with no contact and one
day you'll realize this silence doesn't scare you anymore and
(11:31):
that's when you'll know that you're healing.
So now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
would like my help to be to get your ex back so that I can talk
you down off the ledge, then youcan contact me regarding
coaching at the Art of love.net/coaching and we will
(11:53):
send you the rates. They're not on the website.
And if you don't hear back, it'sbecause our e-mail probably
ended up in your spam folder or you just didn't get it at all,
especially if you're at Gmail. So then wait 24 hours and reach
out again, hopefully with another e-mail.
If you found this video helpful,please subscribe.
If you're listening to this as apodcast and you want to help the
(12:15):
show, then just download the episode.
And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
enlightens.
If you have an anxious attachment style, no contact
feels like emotional torture. You check your phone
obsessively. You replay old messages.
You stalk your ex's social media.
You physically ache for a reply and worst of all you feel weak
(00:27):
for struggling when everyone else just says move on.
Well, today I'm going to explainwhy this is so hard for you and
how to get through it so that you have an easier time staying
and no contact, which means thatyou'll have a better chance of
getting your ex back. But first, hi, this is Lucia
with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
(00:48):
expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
contact army. Have you been a good little
soldier? If you have, then you've stayed
in no contact and you've also downloaded my app Silencio to
help you stay in no contact. And the link to that is
underneath every single video and podcast.
(01:09):
And if you too would like to join our No Contact army, all
you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
notification. And to read our manual, go to
nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
you purchase the book. OK, so why does no contact hit
differently for people who are anxious?
(01:31):
Well, imagine that your brain has a built in alarm system for
connection. And for people with a secure
attachment, that alarm is chill.It's like we'll hear from them
when we hear from them. For people with a dismissive
avoidant attachment style, they're busy doing their own
things, so they're not even worried about when they're going
(01:52):
to hear from someone. But for anxious attachers, that
alarm is a full blown siren. Studies show that when you're
separated from someone you're attached to, your brain
activates the same regions as physical pain.
That's why it feels like withdrawal, because on a
(02:13):
neurological level it is. And the reason you find it
difficult to do no contact with your ex when you have an anxious
attachment style is because yourbrain has been hijacked.
You have an abandonment wound and to you silence equals I'm
losing them forever. So if your ex gives you any type
(02:38):
of attention, even bread crumbs,your brain floods with dopamine,
adrenaline and oxytocin. And then when they withdraw,
cortisol spikes and this createspanic and craving.
And then if they pop up again, your system rewards you with
another huge neurochemical high.Now this is known as
(03:03):
intermittent reinforcement or positive partial reinforcement,
which I talked about in a video that I made a long time ago.
And if I can find it, I will place the link in the upper
right hand corner on YouTube. And it's also the reason why
slot machines are so addictive, except that you're not addicted
to a machine. You're addicted to your ex.
(03:24):
And you can't stop pressing thatbutton on that machine, so to
speak. So every time you text them,
call them, or attempt to reconnect, you're hoping to win
the jackpot. You're hoping to get them back.
However, similar to gambling, you get enough small wins to
keep you hoping. But the biggest, the most
(03:45):
dangerous part of this is that your brain interprets their
intermittent reinforcement, their hot and cold, their
unpredictability as interest. And you learn this pattern as a
child when love was unpredictable and it often had
to be earned. So it feels familiar and it
(04:05):
feels safe because it reflects your earliest experiences with
love. And so every time they respond,
you think that this time it's going to be different, and this
time they'll come back. But the fact is that addicts
always think that the next hit is going to be the one that
satisfies them, but it rarely is.
(04:27):
So this isn't about willpower, it's about your nervous system
being stuck in a loop that says if you just try harder, they'll
come back. However, as usual, when it comes
to matters of the heart, the best thing to do feels
counterintuitive. Here's the paradox.
The more you feed the anxiety with contact, the worse it gets.
(04:51):
So every time you check their socials or send it just checking
in text, you're telling your brain this person is still my
lifeline. No contact is the only way to
reset that wiring. It's like pressing pause on the
addiction. The stress hormone cortisol
(05:14):
drops after 30 days of no contact.
That's why the 1st 30 days are the hardest.
And by the way, before I continue, I just want to mention
that 65% of people who listen tome are not subscribed.
So if I could ask you a favor, it would be that if my videos
have ever helped you in any way and you want to give something
(05:35):
back, then just hit the subscribe button.
And I promise that I'm going to continue to work hard to put out
interesting and helpful videos so that you will have a better
chance of getting your ex back. Thank you.
So I know it feels like you're dying, but look at it this way.
What if this pain is your systemfinally learning that it can
(05:58):
survive without them? So how can you survive no
contact whether you're on day one or day 30 or even beyond
that? Well, you have to replace the
HIT. And by that I mean your brain
craves your X because it's used to the dopamine.
(06:19):
That's why breakups are so brutal, because the dopamine is
instantly cut off when they break up with you.
You don't always necessarily want your X back, but you do
want that dopamine. Give me that dopamine.
OK, fine, you got it. So to stay strong, you're going
to need healthy alternative sources of dopamine to rewire
(06:40):
your brain away from your dependency on your X.
So here is a list of science backed dopamine boosters to help
you through your withdrawal. There's a lot of them so you're
going to have to listen to this over and over again, but I will
try to go as fast as possible. OK, so one is physical movement
(07:00):
and that's the fastest dopamine fix.
So exercise, even 10 minutes of dancing, jumping jacks, a brisk
walk, cold showers. This triggers a 250% dopamine
spike, which lasts for hours, according to a study by Doctor
Andrew Huberman. This makes me want to go take a
cold shower right now. Yoga or stretching.
(07:25):
This releases tension and endorphins.
Then we have the novelty and exploration category.
So try a new hobby. Pottery, hiking, learning a
language, anything with small wins.
Go somewhere and you've never been before.
A Cafe, a park, even a differentgrocery store.
Go home a different way, listen to new music because novel
(07:47):
sounds trigger dopamine. Then we have the social
connection without your X category.
And under that we have a phone, a friend, kind of like they have
on who wants to be a millionaire.
So find someone who's safe, who you can text instead of your X.
And for my clients, it's usuallyme and I usually hear from them
(08:08):
when they've been triggered by something that they saw or they
heard and they want to reach out.
So luckily they reach out to me instead most of the time, not
all the time. And I talk them down off the
ledge, so to speak. Or you could also pet an animal,
dogs and cats. They increase oxytocin and
dopamine. Next, we have the creative
(08:28):
outlets. So write a rage letter and then
burn it or delete it. And this is cathartic and
releases the emotional charge around the breakup and around
your feelings for them. Cook a fancy meal if you're into
cooking. I'm not.
But hey. So the process of chopping,
smelling, tasting is rewarding in itself.
(08:49):
Or draw paint or color. Even if you can't don't know
what you're doing. Just you don't just do it.
Then we have small wins and we start with tiny goals.
So instead of 30 days no contact, start with an hour,
then a day. Your brain needs proof that you
can survive without your ex. And that's why people love the
(09:12):
counter on my Silencio app because it shows how many days
that they've been in no contact and they feel like they're
making progress. I was actually surprised that
people said, wow, this counter is so helpful.
I'm like, it is. I mean, we knew it was going to
be helpful. We didn't know it was going to
be that helpful. But that's because I don't have
anxious attachment. So then we have video games.
(09:36):
So short term wins can help, butdon't overdo it and start
becoming addicted to video games.
We don't want to trade one addiction for another.
Or if you are going to trade oneaddiction for another, make it a
good addiction, like working out.
Next we have sensory pleasures. No, it's not what you think.
There's dark, dark chocolate, there's essential oils and
(09:59):
apparently citrus scents like orange boost dopamine.
And then we have the weighted blanket that I keep hearing
about. And that's because deep pressure
calms the nervous system. Under the mindfulness and
anticipation category. This is long term dopamine.
You can plan a future trip and even if it's imaginary,
(10:23):
anticipation is actually 50% of dopamine.
There's gratitude journaling andthat shifts the focus from lack
to abundance. And of course, meditation, which
I have talked about endlessly, and that's because it increases
your dopamine receptors over time.
So keep in mind that you're not depriving yourself of your ex.
(10:46):
You're detoxing to make space for better dopamine sources.
And you can even dopamine stack.So that means that you combine
two or three of these things. So go for a walk, call a friend,
and listen to new music. Hey, so this isn't about getting
over your ex. It's about proving to your body
(11:07):
that you're safe even when your ex is silent.
And if you're listening to this,you're already doing the work.
People with an anxious attachment style have a great
capacity to love, but that love needs to be reciprocated, not
negotiated. So stick with no contact and one
day you'll realize this silence doesn't scare you anymore and
(11:31):
that's when you'll know that you're healing.
So now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
would like my help to be to get your ex back so that I can talk
you down off the ledge, then youcan contact me regarding
coaching at the Art of love.net/coaching and we will
(11:53):
send you the rates. They're not on the website.
And if you don't hear back, it'sbecause our e-mail probably
ended up in your spam folder or you just didn't get it at all,
especially if you're at Gmail. So then wait 24 hours and reach
out again, hopefully with another e-mail.
If you found this video helpful,please subscribe.
If you're listening to this as apodcast and you want to help the
(12:15):
show, then just download the episode.
And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
enlightens.
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