August 19, 2025 • 50 mins
In this episode of “Shrink This!,”Lisa and Nick tackle the fantasy of the one perfect best friend. From awkward “my husband is my BFF” declarations to the cringe of codependent friendships, they unpack why expecting one person to be your everything is a fast track to disappointment. With sharp humor and some brutally honest self-reflection, they explore what it really takes to build friendships that work—even if that means spreading the love around.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Lisa Lambinelli is not a licensed therapist or life coach.
She is a meddling advice giving yana and know it all,
and her words come from her head, her heart, and
often out of her ass. This podcast should not be
misconstrued as therapy. I should be taking with a huge
grain of salt for entertainment purposes only.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
These.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
You need help, You're the problems.
Speaker 4 (00:24):
Come on, come down, go cleamb.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Take a pill. I think you're insane. Do what I say,
dumb ass, listen to me.
Speaker 4 (00:45):
You and this is why I.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
Have no friends. Welcome to shrink this with Lisa Lambinelli.
A podcast. You know what a podcast is, Nick, It's
like an asshole. Everyone has one. I they sure there's
five good podcasts.
Speaker 4 (01:05):
Honestly, ours that's it.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
That's it.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
I don't even include ours. I hope ours all get lost.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
We're the sixth best.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
I hope Celia didn't press record and she's fired and
I have to employ her because I feel sorry for her.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Yeah, she's a real bitch, real clam and a half.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
If you have a question for me, Lisa Elevenelli, who
could help solve all your problems theoretically, please send your
query is to shrink this show at gmail dot com.
That shrinked this show at gmail dot com. My creative assistant,
Slash unpaid co host. Slash will never be famous, so
(01:44):
don't follow him. Comedian is Nick Scopoletti. Nick, who are you?
And where can people find you?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I am about five to eleven. I'm two hundred and
fifty pounds.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
At the least.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
A bitch?
Speaker 3 (01:58):
She she think.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I just bawn new jeans. I had to go up
away size of thirty six.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Oh my god, you're so bad.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Anyway, you can follow me on Instagram at nick Scopes.
I post some clips of new stuff. Sometimes I did
nude stuff.
Speaker 4 (02:12):
If you want listen you tell Usten.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
You sent me and my good friends Bobby and Brian,
who are both gay black men, a video that was shirtless.
I must admit I almost vomited, not because you're that gross,
but because you're that gross.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Yeah, because what were you saying?
Speaker 3 (02:31):
I can't remember what was this.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
About eating oreos? Because it was my birthday, okay, And
I was eating oreos about to go somewhere, and I
was listening to Chapel Roans Hot to go.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Oh yes, I.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Was filming myself and I said who would enjoy this.
And I was like, Lisa would probably hate it but
also laugh, and then the two gay black friends would
really love it.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
True, they did love it. They've responded quite enthusiastically.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
They sent it to a few lucky people.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
There was there was comments on the color of the nipples.
That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah, a little hershey kisses
in the moments, Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Nope, we don't own the songs.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Celia is, of course, our long suffering producer who's grow
hatred for us is growing every day. I know she
she kind of had a love hate with us. I
think she loves to hate us. What do you think, Celia?
Would you say that's about true, about accurate? No, oh,
turn off your mic Terry, And like I said, that's
(03:33):
in behavior of Hawaii. I can't have friends because all
I do is yell. So our subject today is friendship,
the search for the one, because everyone thinks when you
talk about trying to find the one, they're talking about
a romantic partner.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Not me.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Since I don't have any needs down there except the
once a month beanflick, and because I cannot imagine myself
ever living with anyone, I found that in the past
ten years or so, I have been on the hunt
and it wasn't even conscious. Just everyone I met or
hit it off with, I'd be like, Oh, maybe they're
(04:10):
the one. Maybe they're the friend who will fulfill every
single need I have quick to discover that guess what,
not one person is in existence who could be all
the things I need Slash want them to be. Every
post on Instagram, everything, National best Friend's Day, every TV show,
(04:32):
every movie has the girl and her bestie. And I'm like,
wait a minute, what's wrong with me that I can't
attract one person who is good for every single thing?
And I'm like, oh, I know why. Because I'm complicated,
And that's okay. I need to have several friends and
they each wilfill different needs and sometimes that overlaps. But
to require that of one person I don't think is logical.
(04:57):
I don't think it makes any sense, just how I
think when you're in a relationship with a man or
a woman, it's like they can't fulfill it all either.
I think sometimes it's easier to admit that I can't
get everything from a partner, like that's a known quantity,
but to say I can't get it from my bestest friend.
It feels like we've somehow failed. Does that make sense
(05:18):
to you?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
For sure? My follow up question would be, you know,
now that you have me as a friend, do you
feel like I've checked all the boxes? So why are
you not find this one?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
No? Nick, here, I'll tell you what you fulfill, and
you fulfill more than you used to. You used to
be a basic no no, a little tough to hang
out with because you couldn't help, but go to humor
all the time.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
It's called talent, no is it?
Speaker 3 (05:52):
You always deflected with you, But I was like, oh,
I guess he's just gonna be a fun surface he friend.
But as you worked on yourself, as you went to
more intensive therapy, there are serious conversations that have occurred
and will continue to. So I'm like, wow, Nick's actually
a fun friend. But also like, I honestly feel in
(06:12):
some sort of mild crisis, as in, oh gosh, I
feel like sad about dot dot dot that you would
get it. I don't know if you'd have the answers
because you're young and new to ish to therapy, but
I'm like, oh, at least as a listening board, he's there,
and he would be an empathetic ear. I think my
problem has been been like, well, well, I got to
(06:35):
get that immediately. I don't have this. I don't have
the time to waste with this person who's still growing
or things like that.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
So I'm pretty much perfect saying.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
I did not say that. But if that's how you're
if that's what you're hearing, that's great.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
But it's weird because I think it's so deeply ingrained
because of societal stuff and media and also just because
of whatever I've seen growing up, like, oh, there's something
wrong with me if I didn't attract that person. But
if say you said to me, hey, Lisa, I haven't
attracted the right woman yet, what's wrong with me? I
(07:10):
would quickly be like, there's nothing wrong with you, it
just hasn't happened yet. I don't do that to myself.
When it comes to friendship, I'm like, oh my god,
if so and so doesn't fulfill everything, it's a total
waste of time. I don't want some bitch I could
just have fun with, which is so stupid because just
having fun with somebody.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Is great fun.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Friends, Yeah, and I think they're all good and it's
just putting too much pressure on one person to fulfill
all your needs.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I find myself doing that because I got so lucky
early in life with like some of my closest friends
who are also fun and I have great times with,
are also like the ones I could talk deep with
or if I have a real issue, if they have
a real issue, and I've known them since I was
nine and or fourteen, right, so I've had them for
a long time. So any friend I meet after that,
(07:55):
if they I'm always like, oh, these are like second
tier friends. Right, it's not that right, big of it.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
If the B team yeah right, like great, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
And I'm a part of their lives and they're a
part of mine and I like them. But if they
give me any I don't know, this is me being nuts,
but if they give me any gray or bullshit, I'm like, listen,
you're on the fucking backup.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, they say, honestly they say, which I think changed
my life the expression except where people are but know
where to place them. So suppose I have a friend
who literally if you go try to go deep with them,
they've really been done the emotional internal work on themselves.
(08:33):
For me to feel satisfied in that conversation. Well, I
accept that they're in that place. My challenge is always
to not try to drag them up to a place
of enlightenment and be like, well, you should want a retreat,
or you should at therapy, or you should do this.
They should shouldn't enter the conversation at all. It should
be like, wait a minute. Know what I should do
is know where to place them, which is, oh gosh,
(08:54):
they know every new restaurant in the city. Ask them
and have a good time. They know which place to
go to Broadway, they know you know where.
Speaker 4 (09:04):
The drag bingo is like just stuff that.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Really sounds frivolous but isn't because life is fun sometimes
and it's okay to just be fun and not heavy.
So even if a day with them, you just release
the expectation of Okay, this is not gonna be a
deep day. It's gonna be just running around having a
good time.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
It takes the pressure off them, takes the pressure off
the relationship, and then, by the way, who knows, in
a few years it might be like how it was
with you, is like, oh, this person actually have a conversation.
That's cool.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Perfection but it's like not really.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
But okay, So it just takes the pressure off them,
takes the pressure off me, and you just accept where
they are and don't try to force anything. So I
think that's the goal.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Really, Yeah, accepting, Well, that's that was gonna be. My
follow up question was what do you do with a friend?
Like I've had friends, like some of whom have I've
had for a really long time, and one of them,
like I don't know how to explain it, but like
we've always had a really good friendship. We've been friends forever,
but there's times I wish I like got more out
(10:11):
of them, or I wish I was a little more
involved with things that were happening in his life. But
like it's it's whatever. But but then like when we talk,
I'm like, oh, it's fine, but like it's all good.
But like I guess my question is, like, how do
you deal with someone who maybe is the one or
was the one and then your relationship changed. It's not
bad or good, but it starts to change a little.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah, Like when you say you want more out of it,
does that mean like you want to spend more time
or like is it mostly like I want to be
included in something.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Yes, but like I'm in overall, I'm included enough. There's
just moments where like I feel like I should be
more involved, but then I'm like, well, our friendship's fine.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
So this an instance of you making trouble in your
own life, like we've talked about, or is it that,
Oh my gosh, I really suppose this person says, oh, yeah,
we're having family over and for what ever? It is
like some people you just go, oh gosh, that sounds fun,
like is it okay if I come? And by the way,
(11:08):
that's so vulnerable to like invite yourself somewhere. It's so hard.
I've done that. I've invited myself on full ass trips.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Like I remember.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
I remember I wanted to get more involved with my
sister's life and my brothers so one year, and I
hate travel, but I figured this is the way to
get them more involved because you're stuck with each other.
So remember my sister one year said we're going to
Italy and I go, can I come?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
And they're like sure?
Speaker 3 (11:34):
And I was like, well that was kind of cool
that I was vulnerable enough to ask. We end up
having a blast. To be honest, with you. I didn't
hate the travel as much. I mean first class, so
I've heard it you might want to experience out once
or no, But it was like really I learned more
about them. And the next year my brother said something.
They were going on some family trip that I actually
(11:55):
think sounded great because I love the desert. So they're
going to Sedona and Joshua Tree and I go, I come, like,
I kind of pose it. It's kind of a joke
and they're like yeah, I go, wow, that's really a
good test that the right people will say yes, now
the wrong people will say no. And you have to
have discernment about what you invite yourself to. Like I
(12:16):
have a couple of friends who are just couples and
they're you know, just them, and like it would be
pretty weird for me to be like, oh, you're taking
your boyfriend out for dinner for his birthday? Can come
like have some sense of decorum that sometimes a romantic
night is something, you.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Know, self awareness.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
So I think it's having the guts to go. Why
do I really want to be involved? Or am I
just making trouble because I'm not comfortable with everything going okay?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You know, probably a little bit of trouble because also
like it's just like if he did want to do more,
I would be like, oh okay, like it's more of
a not a burden, but it's just like, oh it's
a lot more now, Like right, you're want more responsibility
than you get it, and then you're like, ah, correct, work.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Well. It's like I think I told you. My sister
they want to go on a cruise next year because
her son just had a big health scare. Thank god
he's fine now, and he's like, yeah, I want to
go on a cruise, go to Universal and this and that.
And my sister looks at me in the hospital room
she goes, you want to come, and like I'm like,
I'll look at my book because I want the feeling
(13:20):
of being invited. But I don't know if seven days
on a cruise is right for me. But it might
be right for me. But I think it's something you go, well,
I get to pause and think about it. I really
it's really heartwarming to be invited to things like that.
And honestly, I probably if I can get my head
around that I don't like the outdoors or the sea
(13:42):
or water, I'll probably have a good time, but it's
I think I want the feeling of inclusion. And also
it's also spreading out the responsibility to different friends and
family and not expecting that one bestie to be everything.
Because I have this good friend Andrew who we talk
about and I was complaining to him once because I
(14:06):
have a friend who I love them, but they have
limited experience with therapy and things like that, so I
always want to go super deep. And I get really
frustrated because I have a PhD in this stuff in life,
and you're just at your BA level. So, by the way,
those things nick our degrees at a college.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
Huge cut, pretty huge cock. Yes that's a PhD.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
So I was getting mad and he goes, well, what
do you like about them? And I go, well, they
love to go to restaurants and they love to have
fun and they're funny and they go to drag bingo
and he goes, every time you call them and want
them to go deep, it's like you're picking up a
fork when you should have picked up a spoon. And
I'm like, holy shit, they are the spoon, and the
(14:56):
spoon is good. The spoon has lots to offer. Why
am I owing to fork them? I should be spooning them.
But I told my shrink that and she was blown away.
She's like, oh my god, if we just went to
the people for what they're appropriate for, we'd have no
trouble because we wouldn't be trying to change them. So
I've noticed ever since I lightened up on that, I
(15:17):
was like, WHOA, I had a much more pleasant time
with that person because I wasn't trying to force them
into a role I think they should be in. But
there is still I don't know's. I think it's gonna
take years or a while at least to settle with
the grief and sadness of oh I don't have one
(15:37):
person to fulfill everything, and doesn't mean a partner. It
means the BFF, the imaginary BFF out there, the vague
idea of that, because for a lot of people that
doesn't exist. You have a group, and you're like, oh,
I remember in that movie Clueless, which I loved, share
(15:59):
only Silverstone said something about it was a nice part
in the movie shows I realized that my friend group,
like I get so much out of different people like
Christian introduces me to the beauty in the world and
the arts. Dion does this, this one does this, and
I'm like, oh, like fucking share in fucking Beverly Hills
(16:20):
knew that twenty five years ago before it dawned on me.
I think I've just been thinking someone else is going
to fulfill every need and it's just not accurate even
for her. Yeah, and who's better than her? No one me. No,
they're not great. What Yeah, I know, but isn't it
(16:40):
Isn't it funny? Like what we're fed by the media
is what we believe in?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Fuck I know.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
No, we're the ones who tell the truth, right, are.
Speaker 4 (17:00):
The only ones.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
And I think there's just no perfect person. It's like,
what value do each of these people bring in? Because
I bet for every time I complain about someone not
having something I want, someone out there's complain about me
not having something they want. Right. Well, at Lista is
great at this, but she sucks at this. My sister
could be saying, well, Lisa is great in the evening
and having fun with games and doing this and going
(17:24):
to trivia and but boy, during the day she sucks.
Like yeah, you're not wrong, So I think it's really
getting your head around ooh, that artificial construct of the
BFF is something I have to grieve and learn about.
And it's nothing about worth, It's about just reality and
(17:44):
then going, Okay, I'm really fucking lucky with what I
got because I have a list in my phone literally
under favorites is everyone I could call in an emergency,
not a physical emergency, but like literally like if something
horrible emotionally happens, I'm like, there's people whon't even have one.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Always I feel, yeah, I feel tough for people, people
who don't have a good friend group.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
And that's very often. I've been seeing a lot on
TikTok where I'm gonna go I feel completely alone, and
I feel like going like I'll be a friend, like
not out of like some need for me, but I
feel like, ooh, that's going to feel lonely.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Or where their friends just suck or they get caught
up in this group, or like even after the group's
like kind of dissipated, like they just can't get out
of like this cycle of like finding the same it's
like relationships. You find the same type of people, Yeah,
that are your friends and all this shit, and it's
like the same thing over and over again. Like I
feel I've been more than lucky, fortunate, whatever the word
(18:43):
is you want to use. Friend Wise, I feel awful
people who don't have like other people who they could
call in a crisis like that.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Yeah, because I don't think I knew what friendship was
really like, because it was so just didn't grow up
like we. I grew up in a k out of house.
Then college was miserable and I was so into like
food and body stuff and then thinking I'd find the
answers in the one being a man versus like a
(19:12):
relationship that I didn't learn how friendship works until I'm
not shitting you, like thirteen fourteen years ago. Like I
didn't know it's reciprocal. I thought it was transactional, like
something you know, especially when you have something and you
want to give someone an opportunity, Like it becomes about
what did you do for me? Look what I did
for you. So when I got out of the show
(19:34):
business stuff and went onto this low Leaf podcast, No,
when I got out of the the big job, I
was like, oh, friendship's like you do ask someone and
how are you? Right, Like, honestly, it's hard for me
to remember to say how are you? Because I'm the
most important person in my world, shouldn't they just be
(19:55):
asking me in the world. That's true, we all know
that they accept it. But it is funny because I'm like, wow,
it really is about them too, and so learning those
skills so late, I think I'm like good at it now.
But I fully understand that I wasn't a good friend
in the way people wanted me to be. I thought
(20:17):
caretaking was friends. I thought it was like yeah, And
also like I had a friend who was disabled and
was poor, and I thought, yeah, I thought it was
helpful to give her things, and it is not. It
is okay to give people things if they ask. She
did not. I was constantly throwing stuff at her, as
(20:38):
constantly paying for things. I was kind of, come on,
I'll pay. It doesn't matter who gives a shit. So
it was never listening for the little hint that no,
I can't afford it, and I feel less.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Than you now say something or you know, we had a.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Big blow up, but that this is thirty five years
we're friends, and it was a big blow up about
something that literally was almost meaningless. But it was all
this contributed to it. And again, was it all my fault? No,
she should have had a boundary and said that makes
me uncomfortable. I don't like that. I'd rather we sit
in my house and I'll make coffee versus us going
(21:10):
out and feeling like you're always treating me like she
felt less than but she didn't say it, So I'll
take totally fifty percent of that blame.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
You know, did you push her out of her wheelchair?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I said disabled, It didn't mean your little wheelchair.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
You races, you throw? Shut up, Shut up that fucking back.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Oh my god, don't look like it says on like
it says on my shirt. Platonic love too, because I
honestly feel like platonic love is gay just as important,
if not more than your primary love relationship. His chances aren't.
Your fucking husband's gonna die and you're gonna be left
with me. So I actually, yeah, you're you're in a
(21:52):
die and I would. I actually have a good friend
who's married who told me that she had to rein
it in a little because her and her husband like
she will like literally neglect her husband and like cater
to the female friends more. And I kind of love that,
And she was like, I had to rein it in,
so where I do say to him, you know, I
(22:13):
know I've been out for six hours? Is it okay
to be out another six Versus the one who like
doesn't even think of that. But I like somebody who
keeps their friendships as elevated as the primary thing. Yeah,
in the beginning you can't. It's all that honeymoon face.
But man, somebody who actually values those friendships as much
as romantic love, I think that's a keeper.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
She even has the thing the dream where she's like,
we're gonna move to like a like a compound, like
a little cul de sac. She goes, I want like
everybody to live around me in a house. I'm like,
I'm in because I do not want to be out
of community. I think that sounds so fun.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
A community's fun living, not.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
In a house with somebody.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
In the same like area.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
I would love that. No, I really I'm that I'm
gay friend schiple like walk but not. But these are
people to who have strong boundaries, Like she has really
strong boundaries. So she's like, wouldn't be stopping over, Like
there's no step pop over. I really hate the pop in.
It's like no, no, no, no, you got to call first.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Yeah, I have friends have had ford so as a child,
I would never just show up you.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Actually you shouldn't. You never know who's naked. It's gross.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
It's just uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I've seen naked people. I don't like it.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Nick, Do we have questions about friend shop? We do?
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Our first one is from Maria from Savannah Geologia.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Oh boy, this is trouble.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Say it in this big dummy over. Dear Lisa, my breast,
my breast, breast, my breast, Dude, I'm losing You're a loopy.
My best friend for the past twenty years was my
college roommate, but the last few times out there, I
(24:00):
realized we didn't have much in common anymore. Declared I
have many friends now that I would call before her
if I needed something. Do I need the replace a
name of successor? Oh god, I got the debutante, Paul
of success Can I just not have a best friend?
Speaker 3 (24:24):
I mean, I don't think one needs to name a successor.
I also think it's super gross, and I still stand
by this, to hold on to friends who aren't that
you don't really like that much. I'm not saying she
doesn't like her, but I've had friends who go you know,
I just don't like Joanne anymore, but I don't have
(24:44):
anybody else, so I'm gonna hang on to her until
I find a replacement. And like the whole thing is
like if your hands are closed, I'm I'm, I have fists.
If hands are closed, it's not open to receive the
new So you holding onto her isn't going to bring
in new people. So sometimes you're just gonna let go.
(25:06):
Like when my friend and I had to blow up
and thirty five years later, we're not friends anymore. Okay.
I had to fully grieve it, let it go, and
hope the hands were open and people would find their
way in. And as you know, it took ten years,
but other people are there now. It's like this long
road to finding that fulfillment with people. So with her,
(25:27):
you almost just have to know to placer in that
category of oh, nostalgic cute. We have our memories and
the acceptance that she's just not the bestie anymore. And
it's a little sad, but that's okay.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Yeah, it's okay, man, People change. It's fine, Like it's
totally acceptable. I get kind of who I was talking
about before, was it was similar where I was like, oh,
I felt like in the past.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
It was Yeah, it's a nostalgia.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It's like, yeah, it's nostalgia. It's a loss in a way.
You're like, ah, but like they're not hurting you, and
it's like a fine. If you have lunch once a year,
you talk on the phone's here for an hour, two hours.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Yeah, and if the person yeah, and if the person's
horrible or they like remember if if they whiteladus you
if they become like those three broads who were on
White Lotus last year where they're just friends from tenth grade,
but still the dynamics is going on of gossiping and
like teaming two against the other one in different groups circumstances.
(26:24):
It's like, well, maybe that has to be let go of.
But I think it's just the only thing that really
has to be let go of the expectations of her
to be everything, because she's not anymore. She's just like
this cute, fun friend and it's kind of sad. Yeah, Honestly,
every episode we have is almost like just feel the feelings.
That's the hard part, and then you can accept where
they are.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
This is our last episodes, so we're just going to
tell you, yeah, feel the feelings.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
And just replay this like over and over. Yeah, yes,
I feel like two, like when you have this story
being told to you that your whole bridle Arnie should
be friends from college and your high school bestie, and
it's just setting you up to feel like a loser
if you don't have it. Yeah, it's like anything society
(27:09):
sets us up to have, whether it's a certain type
of body, certain type of car possession. We're not losers
if we don't have it. We're just different than them,
and that's that's all.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Right, And we're better than most people.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
I mean, I think I am me never.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
What do you think about Celia?
Speaker 3 (27:25):
She's terrible? Okay, go ahead, next question. We love her?
Speaker 4 (27:31):
Go ahead, next question.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Excuse me? Michelle from Washington, d C. Dear Lisa, I
have a few friends who say their husband is their.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
Oh no, not the husband's best friend.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Dear Lisa, I have a few friends who say their
husband is their best friend, which I find insane. Thank you,
because I don't even want to look at mine most nights.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
There's a bigger problem.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Think I feel like I must be doing something wrong
or are they just freaks? Thanks?
Speaker 4 (28:06):
You know, what's weird.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
I wish I could be more judge of those people,
but I legit I can name four couples right now
that I know they feel that way, and I think
they're right. What I do feel like they like each
other the best. But the reason I sign off on
these four couples doing that because I can think off
(28:29):
the bat four because they all have other friendships that
are super close. So it's not my husband's my only friend.
Because a lot of people say that, and that to
me is mentally ill, like there's something going on there.
There's some weird like, uh, what's that thing Stockholm syndrome
where your husband or wife is convinced you she's the
only person in the world for you, and then you
(28:50):
don't have friendships. But if people like my friend who
said she's trying to do a little commune of friends
who live together, if you're inclusive like that and say, well,
but my husband I are super close because we've been
together thirty years, You're like, okay, So I can accept it,
and I'm not as grossed out about it as it
used to be. But it's only with people who have
other hobbies, pursuits, friendships et cetera. But the exclusive it's
(29:14):
just me and him. That's against the world. Like go
go fry Ice, then go I want you as a
friend anyway, you dumb hunt.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Yeah, I hate yeah, you do hate it.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
I think what I know why because your friendships are
mostly men, And for a guy to say that, I
think more women say that than men.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
I could. I could almost. I can almost understand it
more as a woman saying it. Yeah, yeah, a guy
saying it.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Okay, yeah, well you don't have.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
Any fucking friends you could or like when.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
It got anybody better friends?
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Yeah, when a guy gets married and like half of
his grooms like the groomsman party the bride or whatever
party is like the bride's brothers.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
But you have to do it though, I mean.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
I, oh shit, I had too many.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
That's great, you're gonna be in a fight.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
I don't like this. I come from a small family.
Like that's all great, but like, hey, I got a
lot of fucking friends. I don't need your.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
I oh my god, that's so funny because when I
got married Jimmy, I mean, I'm divorced. But he's a
good guy, Like, well, your brother's gonna come right, He's
gonna come to my bachelor party, right, And I'm like, oh, yeah,
I guess you don't have to. So it's a nice
inclusive but also my brother's not annoying. There's not more
(30:35):
than one of him, Like it wasn't a baby shit.
Yeah yeah, so nobody was like you, but yeah, it's
I don't think it's like you have to do that.
But I was like, it's funny when a woman's It's
funny the four people I'm thinking about when the woman says,
my husband's my best friend, but then I see them
with like twenty other friends that are close. I'm like, yeah,
(30:57):
I get that because that guy's cool. But when it's
so sexist when a guy says about a woman, I'm like,
how cool could she really be? You can't talk about
blowies with her?
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Yeah, it's like, well they made a whole movie about it.
I love you man. The guy who knows you knows
who only.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Had friends was the wife. It is Cringey's tough dude.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Yeah, if you don't have your own thing, it's.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Just like maybe that's what triggers me and you when
we're going to eat. It was like, we want our
friends and family to have their own thing too. So
I think my family, you know, is very relieved that
I have a lot of friends and hobbies and pursuits
because they don't have to worry about you. Then they
don't worry. Oh and Lisa's buyers sound like, I don't
(31:42):
think there's ever a pitying glance in my direction. They
wouldn't know that I even struggle with anything, or that
I'm sad about anything, because I'm like, they're like, well,
what are you doing now? Who you hanging with? Are
you going here? I'm like, yeah, I built like kind
of a cool life, so I'm glad nobody worries about me.
(32:02):
So you never want to be that person who uh
oh yeah, poor thing, We better invite her. Nobody likes
the sympathy, the pity.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Fuck do you think that too? And you can speak
to this better than I can. But guy friendships and
female friendships are I think are very different. Yeah, So,
like I feel like it's it makes more sense when
a girl maybe doesn't have a million friends, Like if
a girl has if they have less friends than the
guy guys like oh the boys from college and the
(32:31):
boys from high school, blah blah blah. But like when
women's friendships, I think are a little bit different. So
I think for a woman to say that about her
significant other would make a little bit more sense, just
because female relationships being at more like just tough.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I think it's so like there's not one answer that works.
But I just I've never had a boyfriend that I
felt would be above any of the people in my life,
Like I've never I mean, I should be told, like, honestly,
I think my parents, my brother, my sister, they're like
(33:03):
the loves of my life. I think because I just
think I would put them before everybody else. But I've
never been like, oh, Jimmy fulfills all my friendship needs.
Like that's just weird, but hey, I'm godless. People who
have that go for it. But also again, any female
friend I have who says that about her husband, they
(33:25):
still are very inclusive of others. I think what I
hate about the statement is, oh, does that mean like
we don't count? And those those people be like no, no, no,
that shit's important to me, Like I don't just ignore
my friends. Yeah, I'm always like fascinated by people who
seem to just need the partner like that that she
gaves me.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Yeah, I think for me too, I've just been brought up,
especially my dad. My dad's best friends growing up could
not There were men that could not be alone, like
couldn't and my father hated that about it when I
hated it, but he was like, man, he goes, can't
these guys just fucking be good with themselves? Like they
always need someone. My uncle Ronnie's on you know, he
(34:09):
had four marriages, he's on girlfriend number five now and
it's you know, it's just different might. So I was
always brought up to like, even when my friends started,
they settled down early. My dad sat me down and
was like, you gotta have your own stuff. Yeah, you
need to learn how to be with yourself and be Okay.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
That's a huge lesson man, cause I never had any
say that out loud to me. But I always saw
my father having lots of pursuits. He was always so
learned and he was always reading and always painting, and
I was like, oh, it just it just oh, daddy
has a life even after retirement. My mom was always
searching for something and never found it. So I think
(34:51):
that's where I get the trigger of like, oh my god,
like I want that one thing to fulfill me, like
Mommy never found it. I have to find the thing
a person. And it's just like, no, just keep doing
things and maybe that friend's good for that, and that
friend's good for the other, and that hobby is good
for whatever season it is. But yeah, it's so if
(35:12):
you don't have your own life, it's pretty easy to
try to jump into other people's and feel like they're
not fulfilling you.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
It's scary. It's such a to jump into something, to
not have anything of your own and jump into someone's
life and like make it yours. It's so man, I'm
getting horrifying. No a horror movie about it.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Honestly, I felt like I was doing that right after retirement.
I was like, well, let me follow up with SO
and so, let me see what's going on with them,
instead of just letting things evolve nice and naturally. And
it's like, oh, that's the way it was supposed to evolve,
not pushing. So I think a lot of this is
going you know, I've for heard long ago there was
this way. Also, because I get frustrated with people who
(35:55):
aren't quote at my level, and like that's the danger
of being friends with people who are younger is that first?
A good part about being friends with people are younger
is that you're more open minded, You listen to ideas,
you become more of a student of life because you're
actually listening to what they say. And I just don't
(36:17):
like people my age because they always feel stuck in
their age group, like I can't change my mind, I
can't change things. So that's agist and I shouldn't feel
that way. But I years ago, I remember complaining about that,
how do I become how do I have friends? And
how do I figure out who I could tell things to?
And this therapist has said to me, she just take
(36:38):
everyone in your life and divide them into two categories
peers and patience, and she goes, and then you'll know
who to go to for what. So if I have
let's take Andrew and our friend Andrew, he's appear in
some areas like meditation, self knowledge, things like that he's
(37:03):
a patient in the relationship for writing or whatever, like
I'm quote above him in that or have more knowledge
in that, So then I know if he's a patient
in one area, don't ask him him to help me
with shit in that area, because he's not gonna know
he doesn't know how to do it himself. So I
think it's just patient appears real fucking helpful, and most
(37:24):
of the people are gonna end up patients because of
my advanced age and just knowing too much and doing
too much work on myself. Then when I find a
mentor who looks at me as a patient, that's the
best because then, like my friend Anthony, who's my other
friend who really knows so much more than me. I
have one other friend that I'm like, not that guy.
(37:46):
I always I'm like, oh my god, I get two
people I get to learn from. That's pretty badass.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
I could every.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
Other Monday, I could say to Anthony when we have
our little five hour dinners, I'm like, what do you
think I should do about this? And I know the
answer is gonna be really earned by him throughout sixty
something years. So it's just those categories that really help.
On the fork and knife things huge, don't I'm a
fork and spoon. Don't pick up a fork if you
need a spoon. So let's not fork.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
What's spoon?
Speaker 3 (38:16):
Bitch? Do we have another question?
Speaker 4 (38:19):
Oh my god, fuck it, hurry on.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
So hyle Tha, just here, I'm seventeen from Portland.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
That's rough, both on accounts, and.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
I know you'll probably roast me for being a dramatic,
but whatever, I'm stressed. Oh, which was a dramatic sentence.
Speaker 4 (38:40):
It sure was.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Every show I watch has that one amazing best friend
duo and I have acquaintances like people. I say with
that lunch. Everyone's always like your best friend should feel
like family. And I'm out here like okay, but what
if I'm the side character and everyone else's story same.
I try to put myself out there, but people are
(39:02):
either flaky weirdly. Well, it's Portland. People are either flaky, weirdly, intense,
or just kind of nah. It's normal to feel like
I missed the magical friendship boat? Or do I just
have to wait until college and hope someone shows up
and wait until oh my god, I just had a seizure.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
It's a good point.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Is it normal to feel like I missed the magical
friendship boat? Or do I just have to wait until
college and hope someone shows up? Who gets my weirdness?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Okay, seventeen boy is at angsty. That's tough. I get it,
and it's weird. I think that old trope of if
you haven't met them by the time you're fourteen, you're fucked.
It's like the women of the same idea about marriage.
Like you'll see posts like being like I'm so old,
I'm thirty and I haven't met the man yet. It's
like the thirty I got married for the second time
(39:53):
at fifty, Like.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
It's never too late.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Two rings, baby, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
I have a shrink years ago who said she a
client who met the love of her I thought this
was so sweet, love of her life at ninety and
I was like, yeah, because it's supposed to come when
it comes, So poor Jess. That's why I'm not saying
wait till college, wait till whenever. You just got to
(40:17):
hold on and be like, Okay, maybe it's this year,
maybe it's not. What have I learned along the way?
Her judgment, Sorry, you're seventeen, so I have to point
out your judgment of they're either flakes or they're meh
or there whatever. That's you judging them. So you're kind
of contributing to the problem. You're not accepting their flaws
(40:41):
and the search. It's almost like the search will never
end until these acquaintances. It sounds but acquaintances are just
friends in early stages, like they're just not friends yet.
I'm shocked that my friend Bobby is such a good
friend because we met and were just acquaintances. We're just like, oh,
(41:04):
somebody to hang out with, probably won't go anywhere. He's fun,
he's nice, and I'm like, holy shit, like he has knowledge,
like I can call him and be like, dude, like
what do I do about this? I'm like, Wow, for
a young guy, that's cool. He was just everybody starts
an acquaintance because if they start at that best friend level,
that's just gonna burn out anyway. The fast friend never works.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Yeah, I start too, so I mean again, like all
the friends I've had or I currently have some of
them that like they're my closest people and I could
call it any moment. Like when we were seventeen, it
was a different friendship, like you're it's a different thing,
Like I know, this is my best friend who I
could hang out with and talk to forever.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Or you never know.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
I don't know yet. I know you're seventeen and you're
both like you know, for guys, especially you know, I
played football in high school. I was a meat head.
You get in like fistfights with your friends and then
you're like, oh, I'm sorry, Like the relationship is dumb
sometimes well.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
You know what will take like a mayor and look
at it. Say people got married at twenty one and
then they get a divorce and like quote we grew
in different directions, totally valid. Well accept that with a
couple friends. Same thing. I had a friend who was
when I met her we were probably twenty one. It
(42:18):
served its purpose and like her values. In about ten
years in, I was like, these are not my values.
Like I learned she was a super believe it or
not conservative. Her parents hated gay people. Make her political.
I mean she was like definitely in one of the
most not her but her family was in a very conservative,
(42:42):
like what would be classified as a hate group. And
I'm like, oh, we're not supposed to be friends because
she still talks to her family. So I was like,
we're just ending this. But it was like I just
got to step away these this girl does not have
the values I have and there's nothing wrong with that.
It served its purpose when this wacky stuff was isn't
going on now it doesn't. So I think everybody feels
(43:02):
like that's the problem. They feel like they're a failure
if they haven't made it work despite shit like that.
So your friend has a nervous breakdown, and I'm gonna
stick with her no matter what, and like your personality changes,
do I have to stick with it? No, I don't
have to be mean about it. But you'd be like, well,
(43:24):
she's not for me anymore. And this takes a lot
of strength to just be like, wow, that just doesn't
work anymore. So this girl seventeen who knows who she
meets this year. They may not be right, but they
wouldn't have been right in the long run. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
It's too young to make a judgment call.
Speaker 3 (43:41):
I think it's just be open.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Yeah, you're so young, But also.
Speaker 3 (43:45):
You're gonna they gotta remember in friendships you're gonna kiss
a lot of frogs too. I have had about ten
failed friendships or friendship attempts in the last ten years
because I'm like, oh, they seem nice, and then you
find now you don't like them that much and they
don't like you that much, and then it's like okay,
and then you're a little bit grieving of it, and
(44:05):
you put it to rest and go. No one was
evil here. This wasn't some arch conservative like that crazy
cunt when I was in my twenties.
Speaker 4 (44:13):
But it was just like, oh, you're not right for me.
Speaker 3 (44:14):
I'm not right for you. That's okay. But it's also
then still fishing in a good way of like, oh,
but they seem nice, I'll talk to them. It's not
getting closed off. So all she has to do at
any age, especially that young, is just stay open, don't
panic and cling to someone who isn't right for you
and ignore the signs. And I just be like, all
(44:34):
I might not work out every time, because it usually doesn't.
It's hard to grow in the same direction as a person.
Speaker 2 (44:41):
It's true you're seventeen. Also, let's relax.
Speaker 3 (44:44):
Yeah, well it's easy for you to say, though. I
get because that's why I'm not dismissive and you are,
and that's why I will never be friends.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
I'm a PhD in kunt.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
You asked the next question fast, and I'm going to
answer it in two sentences.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Go cool, read fast, Emily and Vancouver. Dear Lisa, my
best friend doesn't consider.
Speaker 4 (45:03):
Me your best friend. I got those.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
She picks someone else to be her maid of honor
even though she was she was mine at my wedding.
Do you think this matters? Do we both have to
have each other's number one?
Speaker 4 (45:15):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (45:16):
God, I have to be each other's number one?
Speaker 4 (45:17):
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
I think that is a hard one because of the
wedding thing. Take the wedding thing out and it's a
little easier to manage. Because I have three friends who
I strongly suspect like me best, but I don't like
them best. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with
any of them. So my friend Andrews one of them.
We have a joke. I always go, I know I'm
(45:38):
your best friend, you're not mine because I don't have
a best friend. I think it's an artificial construct that
doesn't really exist and is sort of possession based, and
I don't think you can possess another person. So I
think it's fine in theory to have different best friends.
But boy, when a wedding thing comes up, everybody gets heightened,
(45:59):
so everybody on their worst behavior.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Especially with women. I think when men it's different because
I know for a fact that, like again my friend Anthony,
he has two brothers, so like I knew that, like,
I'm not gonna be the best man. It's all good.
I wasn't like, why aren't I the girl that was
hurt by me and my buddy, My buddy Corey, we've
been friends we were nine years old. I was his
best man, I you know, work close, But like, I
(46:24):
don't know if he would be mine. Yeah, I really
it would probably be my friend Anthony. But at the
same time, like, guys are just like whatever, man like
so much cooler, it's so much different and like it.
First of all, it depends on so many factors. I
always think about this. This is like the woman in me.
I always think about, like whether I'm marrying however many
how many friends is she gonna have?
Speaker 3 (46:40):
Well, that's what I can.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Fill as many as you need. But if we only
have four, we.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
Gotta have sixteen.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I mean I couldn't want to.
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Well, the fact is too like I'm lucky because I
had one sister, so I always insert her in the wedding,
right best or what's it called maid of honor? She
was a maid of honor in the first, matron of
honor in the second. Great, everything's fine, but yeah it
is weirder with friends. But who is this? What's this
bitch's name.
Speaker 4 (47:07):
Emily counting me Emily.
Speaker 3 (47:10):
Take the wedding out of it, but you have full
permission to like them as much as you like them.
Feel a little butt hurt that you're not the first
that they think of. I think that could even be
brought up because, like I said, I do joke with
Andrew about that. I think a man can take that
joke a little better than a woman could. But it
might be a nice little conversation being like, Ooh, I
thought I thought you'd think of me first. I'm not mad,
(47:32):
but can we talk about if anything's changed between us?
Can we talk if like I could do something that
I'm not doing. Am I letting you down? Somehow? That
might be what happens.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
If you want to. Ye, it's just different.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
We just talk about everything. Women can't let anything go.
We have to be yaping it up all the time.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Yeah, I like know immediately who I would like like
it would be my buddy Corey and Anthony for my
bachelor party. I'll be the last one to get married.
I'm the last one. I would literally just go take
care of it planet guys, and they would do it,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (48:03):
Yeah, But it's it's also when but there's no hurt
feelings most of the time with guys. I think with
girls they get really feeling less than because it's just
a struggle to be like, oh no, like I thought
I had this and now I don't like it feels
like a great loss, sadly enough, So Emily hanging there, Hunty, hunty,
(48:24):
it's a k girl. Just be friends with gay man.
I think we just have to do that from now on.
No women anymore, just.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Gay men game. They're basically the same thing.
Speaker 3 (48:33):
And black ones. Then it's like knock off, two minorities and.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
One two birds with one cock.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
That's what, okay, but a big one because they're black.
We have to say goodbye. But don't think for a
second we're not BFFs. Actually we're not. I'm not your friend,
I'm not friends with poors, I'm not friends with a Nick,
and I'm certainly not friends with Celia, our producer, who
doesn't like us anymore. I don't know. I don't trust
(49:01):
her lack of loyalty. She didn't make me her maid
of honor, and I'm very upset about that.
Speaker 4 (49:09):
That's for the next episode.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Next episode, Desperate Women and the People they married the
shoring Celia, Nick, wrap it up, tell people where they
can find us.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
Thanks for listening. Be sure to email us your questions
at shrink This Show at gmail dot com. That is,
Shrink this Show at gmail dot com. Make sure to
follow me on social media at Nick Scopes, Yeah, Instagram, TikTok.
You could follow Lisa at Lisa Lampinelli and make sure
to listen to Shrink This on your iHeartRadio app Yeah
(49:42):
bed or wherever you get podcasts or whatever your best
friend tells you.
Speaker 4 (49:45):
To podcast or whatever you twiddle.
Speaker 3 (49:48):
You'r twat and have fun with I honestly sit on
my iHeart app and it vibrates and it's terrific. Shrink
This with Lisa Lambinelli.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
I gonna at ya
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Mhm
Lisa Lambinelli is not a licensed therapist or life coach.
She is a meddling advice giving yana and know it all,
and her words come from her head, her heart, and
often out of her ass. This podcast should not be
misconstrued as therapy. I should be taking with a huge
grain of salt for entertainment purposes only.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
These.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
You need help, You're the problems.
Speaker 4 (00:24):
Come on, come down, go cleamb.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Take a pill. I think you're insane. Do what I say,
dumb ass, listen to me.
Speaker 4 (00:45):
You and this is why I.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
Have no friends. Welcome to shrink this with Lisa Lambinelli.
A podcast. You know what a podcast is, Nick, It's
like an asshole. Everyone has one. I they sure there's
five good podcasts.
Speaker 4 (01:05):
Honestly, ours that's it.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
That's it.
Speaker 4 (01:07):
I don't even include ours. I hope ours all get lost.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
We're the sixth best.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
I hope Celia didn't press record and she's fired and
I have to employ her because I feel sorry for her.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Yeah, she's a real bitch, real clam and a half.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
If you have a question for me, Lisa Elevenelli, who
could help solve all your problems theoretically, please send your
query is to shrink this show at gmail dot com.
That shrinked this show at gmail dot com. My creative assistant,
Slash unpaid co host. Slash will never be famous, so
(01:44):
don't follow him. Comedian is Nick Scopoletti. Nick, who are you?
And where can people find you?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
I am about five to eleven. I'm two hundred and
fifty pounds.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
At the least.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
A bitch?
Speaker 3 (01:58):
She she think.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I just bawn new jeans. I had to go up
away size of thirty six.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Oh my god, you're so bad.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Anyway, you can follow me on Instagram at nick Scopes.
I post some clips of new stuff. Sometimes I did
nude stuff.
Speaker 4 (02:12):
If you want listen you tell Usten.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
You sent me and my good friends Bobby and Brian,
who are both gay black men, a video that was shirtless.
I must admit I almost vomited, not because you're that gross,
but because you're that gross.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Yeah, because what were you saying?
Speaker 3 (02:31):
I can't remember what was this.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
About eating oreos? Because it was my birthday, okay, And
I was eating oreos about to go somewhere, and I
was listening to Chapel Roans Hot to go.
Speaker 4 (02:40):
Oh yes, I.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Was filming myself and I said who would enjoy this.
And I was like, Lisa would probably hate it but
also laugh, and then the two gay black friends would
really love it.
Speaker 3 (02:51):
True, they did love it. They've responded quite enthusiastically.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
They sent it to a few lucky people.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
There was there was comments on the color of the nipples.
That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah, a little hershey kisses
in the moments, Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Nope, we don't own the songs.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Celia is, of course, our long suffering producer who's grow
hatred for us is growing every day. I know she
she kind of had a love hate with us. I
think she loves to hate us. What do you think, Celia?
Would you say that's about true, about accurate? No, oh,
turn off your mic Terry, And like I said, that's
(03:33):
in behavior of Hawaii. I can't have friends because all
I do is yell. So our subject today is friendship,
the search for the one, because everyone thinks when you
talk about trying to find the one, they're talking about
a romantic partner.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Not me.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Since I don't have any needs down there except the
once a month beanflick, and because I cannot imagine myself
ever living with anyone, I found that in the past
ten years or so, I have been on the hunt
and it wasn't even conscious. Just everyone I met or
hit it off with, I'd be like, Oh, maybe they're
(04:10):
the one. Maybe they're the friend who will fulfill every
single need I have quick to discover that guess what,
not one person is in existence who could be all
the things I need Slash want them to be. Every
post on Instagram, everything, National best Friend's Day, every TV show,
(04:32):
every movie has the girl and her bestie. And I'm like,
wait a minute, what's wrong with me that I can't
attract one person who is good for every single thing?
And I'm like, oh, I know why. Because I'm complicated,
And that's okay. I need to have several friends and
they each wilfill different needs and sometimes that overlaps. But
to require that of one person I don't think is logical.
(04:57):
I don't think it makes any sense, just how I
think when you're in a relationship with a man or
a woman, it's like they can't fulfill it all either.
I think sometimes it's easier to admit that I can't
get everything from a partner, like that's a known quantity,
but to say I can't get it from my bestest friend.
It feels like we've somehow failed. Does that make sense
(05:18):
to you?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
For sure? My follow up question would be, you know,
now that you have me as a friend, do you
feel like I've checked all the boxes? So why are
you not find this one?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
No? Nick, here, I'll tell you what you fulfill, and
you fulfill more than you used to. You used to
be a basic no no, a little tough to hang
out with because you couldn't help, but go to humor
all the time.
Speaker 4 (05:48):
It's called talent, no is it?
Speaker 3 (05:52):
You always deflected with you, But I was like, oh,
I guess he's just gonna be a fun surface he friend.
But as you worked on yourself, as you went to
more intensive therapy, there are serious conversations that have occurred
and will continue to. So I'm like, wow, Nick's actually
a fun friend. But also like, I honestly feel in
(06:12):
some sort of mild crisis, as in, oh gosh, I
feel like sad about dot dot dot that you would
get it. I don't know if you'd have the answers
because you're young and new to ish to therapy, but
I'm like, oh, at least as a listening board, he's there,
and he would be an empathetic ear. I think my
problem has been been like, well, well, I got to
(06:35):
get that immediately. I don't have this. I don't have
the time to waste with this person who's still growing
or things like that.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
So I'm pretty much perfect saying.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
I did not say that. But if that's how you're
if that's what you're hearing, that's great.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
But it's weird because I think it's so deeply ingrained
because of societal stuff and media and also just because
of whatever I've seen growing up, like, oh, there's something
wrong with me if I didn't attract that person. But
if say you said to me, hey, Lisa, I haven't
attracted the right woman yet, what's wrong with me? I
(07:10):
would quickly be like, there's nothing wrong with you, it
just hasn't happened yet. I don't do that to myself.
When it comes to friendship, I'm like, oh my god,
if so and so doesn't fulfill everything, it's a total
waste of time. I don't want some bitch I could
just have fun with, which is so stupid because just
having fun with somebody.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Is great fun.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Friends, Yeah, and I think they're all good and it's
just putting too much pressure on one person to fulfill
all your needs.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I find myself doing that because I got so lucky
early in life with like some of my closest friends
who are also fun and I have great times with,
are also like the ones I could talk deep with
or if I have a real issue, if they have
a real issue, and I've known them since I was
nine and or fourteen, right, so I've had them for
a long time. So any friend I meet after that,
(07:55):
if they I'm always like, oh, these are like second
tier friends. Right, it's not that right, big of it.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
If the B team yeah right, like great, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
And I'm a part of their lives and they're a
part of mine and I like them. But if they
give me any I don't know, this is me being nuts,
but if they give me any gray or bullshit, I'm like, listen,
you're on the fucking backup.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Well, they say, honestly they say, which I think changed
my life the expression except where people are but know
where to place them. So suppose I have a friend
who literally if you go try to go deep with them,
they've really been done the emotional internal work on themselves.
(08:33):
For me to feel satisfied in that conversation. Well, I
accept that they're in that place. My challenge is always
to not try to drag them up to a place
of enlightenment and be like, well, you should want a retreat,
or you should at therapy, or you should do this.
They should shouldn't enter the conversation at all. It should
be like, wait a minute. Know what I should do
is know where to place them, which is, oh gosh,
(08:54):
they know every new restaurant in the city. Ask them
and have a good time. They know which place to
go to Broadway, they know you know where.
Speaker 4 (09:04):
The drag bingo is like just stuff that.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Really sounds frivolous but isn't because life is fun sometimes
and it's okay to just be fun and not heavy.
So even if a day with them, you just release
the expectation of Okay, this is not gonna be a
deep day. It's gonna be just running around having a
good time.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
It takes the pressure off them, takes the pressure off
the relationship, and then, by the way, who knows, in
a few years it might be like how it was
with you, is like, oh, this person actually have a conversation.
That's cool.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Perfection but it's like not really.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
But okay, So it just takes the pressure off them,
takes the pressure off me, and you just accept where
they are and don't try to force anything. So I
think that's the goal.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Really, Yeah, accepting, Well, that's that was gonna be. My
follow up question was what do you do with a friend?
Like I've had friends, like some of whom have I've
had for a really long time, and one of them,
like I don't know how to explain it, but like
we've always had a really good friendship. We've been friends forever,
but there's times I wish I like got more out
(10:11):
of them, or I wish I was a little more
involved with things that were happening in his life. But
like it's it's whatever. But but then like when we talk,
I'm like, oh, it's fine, but like it's all good.
But like I guess my question is, like, how do
you deal with someone who maybe is the one or
was the one and then your relationship changed. It's not
bad or good, but it starts to change a little.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah, Like when you say you want more out of it,
does that mean like you want to spend more time
or like is it mostly like I want to be
included in something.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Yes, but like I'm in overall, I'm included enough. There's
just moments where like I feel like I should be
more involved, but then I'm like, well, our friendship's fine.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
So this an instance of you making trouble in your
own life, like we've talked about, or is it that,
Oh my gosh, I really suppose this person says, oh, yeah,
we're having family over and for what ever? It is
like some people you just go, oh gosh, that sounds fun,
like is it okay if I come? And by the way,
(11:08):
that's so vulnerable to like invite yourself somewhere. It's so hard.
I've done that. I've invited myself on full ass trips.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Like I remember.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
I remember I wanted to get more involved with my
sister's life and my brothers so one year, and I
hate travel, but I figured this is the way to
get them more involved because you're stuck with each other.
So remember my sister one year said we're going to
Italy and I go, can I come?
Speaker 4 (11:32):
And they're like sure?
Speaker 3 (11:34):
And I was like, well that was kind of cool
that I was vulnerable enough to ask. We end up
having a blast. To be honest, with you. I didn't
hate the travel as much. I mean first class, so
I've heard it you might want to experience out once
or no, But it was like really I learned more
about them. And the next year my brother said something.
They were going on some family trip that I actually
(11:55):
think sounded great because I love the desert. So they're
going to Sedona and Joshua Tree and I go, I come, like,
I kind of pose it. It's kind of a joke
and they're like yeah, I go, wow, that's really a
good test that the right people will say yes, now
the wrong people will say no. And you have to
have discernment about what you invite yourself to. Like I
(12:16):
have a couple of friends who are just couples and
they're you know, just them, and like it would be
pretty weird for me to be like, oh, you're taking
your boyfriend out for dinner for his birthday? Can come
like have some sense of decorum that sometimes a romantic
night is something, you.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Know, self awareness.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
So I think it's having the guts to go. Why
do I really want to be involved? Or am I
just making trouble because I'm not comfortable with everything going okay?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
You know, probably a little bit of trouble because also
like it's just like if he did want to do more,
I would be like, oh okay, like it's more of
a not a burden, but it's just like, oh it's
a lot more now, Like right, you're want more responsibility
than you get it, and then you're like, ah, correct, work.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Well. It's like I think I told you. My sister
they want to go on a cruise next year because
her son just had a big health scare. Thank god
he's fine now, and he's like, yeah, I want to
go on a cruise, go to Universal and this and that.
And my sister looks at me in the hospital room
she goes, you want to come, and like I'm like,
I'll look at my book because I want the feeling
(13:20):
of being invited. But I don't know if seven days
on a cruise is right for me. But it might
be right for me. But I think it's something you go, well,
I get to pause and think about it. I really
it's really heartwarming to be invited to things like that.
And honestly, I probably if I can get my head
around that I don't like the outdoors or the sea
(13:42):
or water, I'll probably have a good time, but it's
I think I want the feeling of inclusion. And also
it's also spreading out the responsibility to different friends and
family and not expecting that one bestie to be everything.
Because I have this good friend Andrew who we talk
about and I was complaining to him once because I
(14:06):
have a friend who I love them, but they have
limited experience with therapy and things like that, so I
always want to go super deep. And I get really
frustrated because I have a PhD in this stuff in life,
and you're just at your BA level. So, by the way,
those things nick our degrees at a college.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
Huge cut, pretty huge cock. Yes that's a PhD.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
So I was getting mad and he goes, well, what
do you like about them? And I go, well, they
love to go to restaurants and they love to have
fun and they're funny and they go to drag bingo
and he goes, every time you call them and want
them to go deep, it's like you're picking up a
fork when you should have picked up a spoon. And
I'm like, holy shit, they are the spoon, and the
(14:56):
spoon is good. The spoon has lots to offer. Why
am I owing to fork them? I should be spooning them.
But I told my shrink that and she was blown away.
She's like, oh my god, if we just went to
the people for what they're appropriate for, we'd have no
trouble because we wouldn't be trying to change them. So
I've noticed ever since I lightened up on that, I
(15:17):
was like, WHOA, I had a much more pleasant time
with that person because I wasn't trying to force them
into a role I think they should be in. But
there is still I don't know's. I think it's gonna
take years or a while at least to settle with
the grief and sadness of oh I don't have one
(15:37):
person to fulfill everything, and doesn't mean a partner. It
means the BFF, the imaginary BFF out there, the vague
idea of that, because for a lot of people that
doesn't exist. You have a group, and you're like, oh,
I remember in that movie Clueless, which I loved, share
(15:59):
only Silverstone said something about it was a nice part
in the movie shows I realized that my friend group,
like I get so much out of different people like
Christian introduces me to the beauty in the world and
the arts. Dion does this, this one does this, and
I'm like, oh, like fucking share in fucking Beverly Hills
(16:20):
knew that twenty five years ago before it dawned on me.
I think I've just been thinking someone else is going
to fulfill every need and it's just not accurate even
for her. Yeah, and who's better than her? No one me. No,
they're not great. What Yeah, I know, but isn't it
(16:40):
Isn't it funny? Like what we're fed by the media
is what we believe in?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
Fuck I know.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
No, we're the ones who tell the truth, right, are.
Speaker 4 (17:00):
The only ones.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
And I think there's just no perfect person. It's like,
what value do each of these people bring in? Because
I bet for every time I complain about someone not
having something I want, someone out there's complain about me
not having something they want. Right. Well, at Lista is
great at this, but she sucks at this. My sister
could be saying, well, Lisa is great in the evening
and having fun with games and doing this and going
(17:24):
to trivia and but boy, during the day she sucks.
Like yeah, you're not wrong, So I think it's really
getting your head around ooh, that artificial construct of the
BFF is something I have to grieve and learn about.
And it's nothing about worth, It's about just reality and
(17:44):
then going, Okay, I'm really fucking lucky with what I
got because I have a list in my phone literally
under favorites is everyone I could call in an emergency,
not a physical emergency, but like literally like if something
horrible emotionally happens, I'm like, there's people whon't even have one.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Always I feel, yeah, I feel tough for people, people
who don't have a good friend group.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
And that's very often. I've been seeing a lot on
TikTok where I'm gonna go I feel completely alone, and
I feel like going like I'll be a friend, like
not out of like some need for me, but I
feel like, ooh, that's going to feel lonely.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Or where their friends just suck or they get caught
up in this group, or like even after the group's
like kind of dissipated, like they just can't get out
of like this cycle of like finding the same it's
like relationships. You find the same type of people, Yeah,
that are your friends and all this shit, and it's
like the same thing over and over again. Like I
feel I've been more than lucky, fortunate, whatever the word
(18:43):
is you want to use. Friend Wise, I feel awful
people who don't have like other people who they could
call in a crisis like that.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Yeah, because I don't think I knew what friendship was
really like, because it was so just didn't grow up
like we. I grew up in a k out of house.
Then college was miserable and I was so into like
food and body stuff and then thinking I'd find the
answers in the one being a man versus like a
(19:12):
relationship that I didn't learn how friendship works until I'm
not shitting you, like thirteen fourteen years ago. Like I
didn't know it's reciprocal. I thought it was transactional, like
something you know, especially when you have something and you
want to give someone an opportunity, Like it becomes about
what did you do for me? Look what I did
for you. So when I got out of the show
(19:34):
business stuff and went onto this low Leaf podcast, No,
when I got out of the the big job, I
was like, oh, friendship's like you do ask someone and
how are you? Right, Like, honestly, it's hard for me
to remember to say how are you? Because I'm the
most important person in my world, shouldn't they just be
(19:55):
asking me in the world. That's true, we all know
that they accept it. But it is funny because I'm like, wow,
it really is about them too, and so learning those
skills so late, I think I'm like good at it now.
But I fully understand that I wasn't a good friend
in the way people wanted me to be. I thought
(20:17):
caretaking was friends. I thought it was like yeah, And
also like I had a friend who was disabled and
was poor, and I thought, yeah, I thought it was
helpful to give her things, and it is not. It
is okay to give people things if they ask. She
did not. I was constantly throwing stuff at her, as
(20:38):
constantly paying for things. I was kind of, come on,
I'll pay. It doesn't matter who gives a shit. So
it was never listening for the little hint that no,
I can't afford it, and I feel less.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Than you now say something or you know, we had a.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Big blow up, but that this is thirty five years
we're friends, and it was a big blow up about
something that literally was almost meaningless. But it was all
this contributed to it. And again, was it all my fault? No,
she should have had a boundary and said that makes
me uncomfortable. I don't like that. I'd rather we sit
in my house and I'll make coffee versus us going
(21:10):
out and feeling like you're always treating me like she
felt less than but she didn't say it, So I'll
take totally fifty percent of that blame.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
You know, did you push her out of her wheelchair?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I said disabled, It didn't mean your little wheelchair.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
You races, you throw? Shut up, Shut up that fucking back.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Oh my god, don't look like it says on like
it says on my shirt. Platonic love too, because I
honestly feel like platonic love is gay just as important,
if not more than your primary love relationship. His chances aren't.
Your fucking husband's gonna die and you're gonna be left
with me. So I actually, yeah, you're you're in a
(21:52):
die and I would. I actually have a good friend
who's married who told me that she had to rein
it in a little because her and her husband like
she will like literally neglect her husband and like cater
to the female friends more. And I kind of love that,
And she was like, I had to rein it in,
so where I do say to him, you know, I
(22:13):
know I've been out for six hours? Is it okay
to be out another six Versus the one who like
doesn't even think of that. But I like somebody who
keeps their friendships as elevated as the primary thing. Yeah,
in the beginning you can't. It's all that honeymoon face.
But man, somebody who actually values those friendships as much
as romantic love, I think that's a keeper.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
She even has the thing the dream where she's like,
we're gonna move to like a like a compound, like
a little cul de sac. She goes, I want like
everybody to live around me in a house. I'm like,
I'm in because I do not want to be out
of community. I think that sounds so fun.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
A community's fun living, not.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
In a house with somebody.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
In the same like area.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
I would love that. No, I really I'm that I'm
gay friend schiple like walk but not. But these are
people to who have strong boundaries, Like she has really
strong boundaries. So she's like, wouldn't be stopping over, Like
there's no step pop over. I really hate the pop in.
It's like no, no, no, no, you got to call first.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Yeah, I have friends have had ford so as a child,
I would never just show up you.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Actually you shouldn't. You never know who's naked. It's gross.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
It's just uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I've seen naked people. I don't like it.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Nick, Do we have questions about friend shop? We do?
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Our first one is from Maria from Savannah Geologia.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Oh boy, this is trouble.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Say it in this big dummy over. Dear Lisa, my breast,
my breast, breast, my breast, Dude, I'm losing You're a loopy.
My best friend for the past twenty years was my
college roommate, but the last few times out there, I
(24:00):
realized we didn't have much in common anymore. Declared I
have many friends now that I would call before her
if I needed something. Do I need the replace a
name of successor? Oh god, I got the debutante, Paul
of success Can I just not have a best friend?
Speaker 3 (24:24):
I mean, I don't think one needs to name a successor.
I also think it's super gross, and I still stand
by this, to hold on to friends who aren't that
you don't really like that much. I'm not saying she
doesn't like her, but I've had friends who go you know,
I just don't like Joanne anymore, but I don't have
(24:44):
anybody else, so I'm gonna hang on to her until
I find a replacement. And like the whole thing is
like if your hands are closed, I'm I'm, I have fists.
If hands are closed, it's not open to receive the
new So you holding onto her isn't going to bring
in new people. So sometimes you're just gonna let go.
(25:06):
Like when my friend and I had to blow up
and thirty five years later, we're not friends anymore. Okay.
I had to fully grieve it, let it go, and
hope the hands were open and people would find their
way in. And as you know, it took ten years,
but other people are there now. It's like this long
road to finding that fulfillment with people. So with her,
(25:27):
you almost just have to know to placer in that
category of oh, nostalgic cute. We have our memories and
the acceptance that she's just not the bestie anymore. And
it's a little sad, but that's okay.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Yeah, it's okay, man, People change. It's fine, Like it's
totally acceptable. I get kind of who I was talking
about before, was it was similar where I was like, oh,
I felt like in the past.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
It was Yeah, it's a nostalgia.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
It's like, yeah, it's nostalgia. It's a loss in a way.
You're like, ah, but like they're not hurting you, and
it's like a fine. If you have lunch once a year,
you talk on the phone's here for an hour, two hours.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Yeah, and if the person yeah, and if the person's
horrible or they like remember if if they whiteladus you
if they become like those three broads who were on
White Lotus last year where they're just friends from tenth grade,
but still the dynamics is going on of gossiping and
like teaming two against the other one in different groups circumstances.
(26:24):
It's like, well, maybe that has to be let go of.
But I think it's just the only thing that really
has to be let go of the expectations of her
to be everything, because she's not anymore. She's just like
this cute, fun friend and it's kind of sad. Yeah, Honestly,
every episode we have is almost like just feel the feelings.
That's the hard part, and then you can accept where
they are.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
This is our last episodes, so we're just going to
tell you, yeah, feel the feelings.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
And just replay this like over and over. Yeah, yes,
I feel like two, like when you have this story
being told to you that your whole bridle Arnie should
be friends from college and your high school bestie, and
it's just setting you up to feel like a loser
if you don't have it. Yeah, it's like anything society
(27:09):
sets us up to have, whether it's a certain type
of body, certain type of car possession. We're not losers
if we don't have it. We're just different than them,
and that's that's all.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Right, And we're better than most people.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
I mean, I think I am me never.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
What do you think about Celia?
Speaker 3 (27:25):
She's terrible? Okay, go ahead, next question. We love her?
Speaker 4 (27:31):
Go ahead, next question.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Excuse me? Michelle from Washington, d C. Dear Lisa, I
have a few friends who say their husband is their.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
Oh no, not the husband's best friend.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
Dear Lisa, I have a few friends who say their
husband is their best friend, which I find insane. Thank you,
because I don't even want to look at mine most nights.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
There's a bigger problem.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Think I feel like I must be doing something wrong
or are they just freaks? Thanks?
Speaker 4 (28:06):
You know, what's weird.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
I wish I could be more judge of those people,
but I legit I can name four couples right now
that I know they feel that way, and I think
they're right. What I do feel like they like each
other the best. But the reason I sign off on
these four couples doing that because I can think off
(28:29):
the bat four because they all have other friendships that
are super close. So it's not my husband's my only friend.
Because a lot of people say that, and that to
me is mentally ill, like there's something going on there.
There's some weird like, uh, what's that thing Stockholm syndrome
where your husband or wife is convinced you she's the
only person in the world for you, and then you
(28:50):
don't have friendships. But if people like my friend who
said she's trying to do a little commune of friends
who live together, if you're inclusive like that and say, well,
but my husband I are super close because we've been
together thirty years, You're like, okay, So I can accept it,
and I'm not as grossed out about it as it
used to be. But it's only with people who have
other hobbies, pursuits, friendships et cetera. But the exclusive it's
(29:14):
just me and him. That's against the world. Like go
go fry Ice, then go I want you as a
friend anyway, you dumb hunt.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Yeah, I hate yeah, you do hate it.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
I think what I know why because your friendships are
mostly men, And for a guy to say that, I
think more women say that than men.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
I could. I could almost. I can almost understand it
more as a woman saying it. Yeah, yeah, a guy
saying it.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Okay, yeah, well you don't have.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
Any fucking friends you could or like when.
Speaker 3 (29:46):
It got anybody better friends?
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Yeah, when a guy gets married and like half of
his grooms like the groomsman party the bride or whatever
party is like the bride's brothers.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
But you have to do it though, I mean.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
I, oh shit, I had too many.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
That's great, you're gonna be in a fight.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
I don't like this. I come from a small family.
Like that's all great, but like, hey, I got a
lot of fucking friends. I don't need your.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
I oh my god, that's so funny because when I
got married Jimmy, I mean, I'm divorced. But he's a
good guy, Like, well, your brother's gonna come right, He's
gonna come to my bachelor party, right, And I'm like, oh, yeah,
I guess you don't have to. So it's a nice
inclusive but also my brother's not annoying. There's not more
(30:35):
than one of him, Like it wasn't a baby shit.
Yeah yeah, so nobody was like you, but yeah, it's
I don't think it's like you have to do that.
But I was like, it's funny when a woman's It's
funny the four people I'm thinking about when the woman says,
my husband's my best friend, but then I see them
with like twenty other friends that are close. I'm like, yeah,
(30:57):
I get that because that guy's cool. But when it's
so sexist when a guy says about a woman, I'm like,
how cool could she really be? You can't talk about
blowies with her?
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Yeah, it's like, well they made a whole movie about it.
I love you man. The guy who knows you knows
who only.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Had friends was the wife. It is Cringey's tough dude.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Yeah, if you don't have your own thing, it's.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Just like maybe that's what triggers me and you when
we're going to eat. It was like, we want our
friends and family to have their own thing too. So
I think my family, you know, is very relieved that
I have a lot of friends and hobbies and pursuits
because they don't have to worry about you. Then they
don't worry. Oh and Lisa's buyers sound like, I don't
(31:42):
think there's ever a pitying glance in my direction. They
wouldn't know that I even struggle with anything, or that
I'm sad about anything, because I'm like, they're like, well,
what are you doing now? Who you hanging with? Are
you going here? I'm like, yeah, I built like kind
of a cool life, so I'm glad nobody worries about me.
(32:02):
So you never want to be that person who uh
oh yeah, poor thing, We better invite her. Nobody likes
the sympathy, the pity.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Fuck do you think that too? And you can speak
to this better than I can. But guy friendships and
female friendships are I think are very different. Yeah, So,
like I feel like it's it makes more sense when
a girl maybe doesn't have a million friends, Like if
a girl has if they have less friends than the
guy guys like oh the boys from college and the
(32:31):
boys from high school, blah blah blah. But like when
women's friendships, I think are a little bit different. So
I think for a woman to say that about her
significant other would make a little bit more sense, just
because female relationships being at more like just tough.
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I think it's so like there's not one answer that works.
But I just I've never had a boyfriend that I
felt would be above any of the people in my life,
Like I've never I mean, I should be told, like, honestly,
I think my parents, my brother, my sister, they're like
(33:03):
the loves of my life. I think because I just
think I would put them before everybody else. But I've
never been like, oh, Jimmy fulfills all my friendship needs.
Like that's just weird, but hey, I'm godless. People who
have that go for it. But also again, any female
friend I have who says that about her husband, they
(33:25):
still are very inclusive of others. I think what I
hate about the statement is, oh, does that mean like
we don't count? And those those people be like no, no, no,
that shit's important to me, Like I don't just ignore
my friends. Yeah, I'm always like fascinated by people who
seem to just need the partner like that that she
gaves me.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Yeah, I think for me too, I've just been brought up,
especially my dad. My dad's best friends growing up could
not There were men that could not be alone, like
couldn't and my father hated that about it when I
hated it, but he was like, man, he goes, can't
these guys just fucking be good with themselves? Like they
always need someone. My uncle Ronnie's on you know, he
(34:09):
had four marriages, he's on girlfriend number five now and
it's you know, it's just different might. So I was
always brought up to like, even when my friends started,
they settled down early. My dad sat me down and
was like, you gotta have your own stuff. Yeah, you
need to learn how to be with yourself and be Okay.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
That's a huge lesson man, cause I never had any
say that out loud to me. But I always saw
my father having lots of pursuits. He was always so
learned and he was always reading and always painting, and
I was like, oh, it just it just oh, daddy
has a life even after retirement. My mom was always
searching for something and never found it. So I think
(34:51):
that's where I get the trigger of like, oh my god,
like I want that one thing to fulfill me, like
Mommy never found it. I have to find the thing
a person. And it's just like, no, just keep doing
things and maybe that friend's good for that, and that
friend's good for the other, and that hobby is good
for whatever season it is. But yeah, it's so if
(35:12):
you don't have your own life, it's pretty easy to
try to jump into other people's and feel like they're
not fulfilling you.
Speaker 2 (35:20):
It's scary. It's such a to jump into something, to
not have anything of your own and jump into someone's
life and like make it yours. It's so man, I'm
getting horrifying. No a horror movie about it.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Honestly, I felt like I was doing that right after retirement.
I was like, well, let me follow up with SO
and so, let me see what's going on with them,
instead of just letting things evolve nice and naturally. And
it's like, oh, that's the way it was supposed to evolve,
not pushing. So I think a lot of this is
going you know, I've for heard long ago there was
this way. Also, because I get frustrated with people who
(35:55):
aren't quote at my level, and like that's the danger
of being friends with people who are younger is that first?
A good part about being friends with people are younger
is that you're more open minded, You listen to ideas,
you become more of a student of life because you're
actually listening to what they say. And I just don't
(36:17):
like people my age because they always feel stuck in
their age group, like I can't change my mind, I
can't change things. So that's agist and I shouldn't feel
that way. But I years ago, I remember complaining about that,
how do I become how do I have friends? And
how do I figure out who I could tell things to?
And this therapist has said to me, she just take
(36:38):
everyone in your life and divide them into two categories
peers and patience, and she goes, and then you'll know
who to go to for what. So if I have
let's take Andrew and our friend Andrew, he's appear in
some areas like meditation, self knowledge, things like that he's
(37:03):
a patient in the relationship for writing or whatever, like
I'm quote above him in that or have more knowledge
in that, So then I know if he's a patient
in one area, don't ask him him to help me
with shit in that area, because he's not gonna know
he doesn't know how to do it himself. So I
think it's just patient appears real fucking helpful, and most
(37:24):
of the people are gonna end up patients because of
my advanced age and just knowing too much and doing
too much work on myself. Then when I find a
mentor who looks at me as a patient, that's the
best because then, like my friend Anthony, who's my other
friend who really knows so much more than me. I
have one other friend that I'm like, not that guy.
(37:46):
I always I'm like, oh my god, I get two
people I get to learn from. That's pretty badass.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
I could every.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
Other Monday, I could say to Anthony when we have
our little five hour dinners, I'm like, what do you
think I should do about this? And I know the
answer is gonna be really earned by him throughout sixty
something years. So it's just those categories that really help.
On the fork and knife things huge, don't I'm a
fork and spoon. Don't pick up a fork if you
need a spoon. So let's not fork.
Speaker 4 (38:14):
What's spoon?
Speaker 3 (38:16):
Bitch? Do we have another question?
Speaker 4 (38:19):
Oh my god, fuck it, hurry on.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
So hyle Tha, just here, I'm seventeen from Portland.
Speaker 3 (38:32):
That's rough, both on accounts, and.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
I know you'll probably roast me for being a dramatic,
but whatever, I'm stressed. Oh, which was a dramatic sentence.
Speaker 4 (38:40):
It sure was.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
Every show I watch has that one amazing best friend
duo and I have acquaintances like people. I say with
that lunch. Everyone's always like your best friend should feel
like family. And I'm out here like okay, but what
if I'm the side character and everyone else's story same.
I try to put myself out there, but people are
(39:02):
either flaky weirdly. Well, it's Portland. People are either flaky, weirdly, intense,
or just kind of nah. It's normal to feel like
I missed the magical friendship boat? Or do I just
have to wait until college and hope someone shows up
and wait until oh my god, I just had a seizure.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
It's a good point.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Is it normal to feel like I missed the magical
friendship boat? Or do I just have to wait until
college and hope someone shows up? Who gets my weirdness?
Speaker 3 (39:32):
Okay, seventeen boy is at angsty. That's tough. I get it,
and it's weird. I think that old trope of if
you haven't met them by the time you're fourteen, you're fucked.
It's like the women of the same idea about marriage.
Like you'll see posts like being like I'm so old,
I'm thirty and I haven't met the man yet. It's
like the thirty I got married for the second time
(39:53):
at fifty, Like.
Speaker 4 (39:54):
It's never too late.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Two rings, baby, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:56):
I have a shrink years ago who said she a
client who met the love of her I thought this
was so sweet, love of her life at ninety and
I was like, yeah, because it's supposed to come when
it comes, So poor Jess. That's why I'm not saying
wait till college, wait till whenever. You just got to
(40:17):
hold on and be like, Okay, maybe it's this year,
maybe it's not. What have I learned along the way?
Her judgment, Sorry, you're seventeen, so I have to point
out your judgment of they're either flakes or they're meh
or there whatever. That's you judging them. So you're kind
of contributing to the problem. You're not accepting their flaws
(40:41):
and the search. It's almost like the search will never
end until these acquaintances. It sounds but acquaintances are just
friends in early stages, like they're just not friends yet.
I'm shocked that my friend Bobby is such a good
friend because we met and were just acquaintances. We're just like, oh,
(41:04):
somebody to hang out with, probably won't go anywhere. He's fun,
he's nice, and I'm like, holy shit, like he has knowledge,
like I can call him and be like, dude, like
what do I do about this? I'm like, Wow, for
a young guy, that's cool. He was just everybody starts
an acquaintance because if they start at that best friend level,
that's just gonna burn out anyway. The fast friend never works.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Yeah, I start too, so I mean again, like all
the friends I've had or I currently have some of
them that like they're my closest people and I could
call it any moment. Like when we were seventeen, it
was a different friendship, like you're it's a different thing,
Like I know, this is my best friend who I
could hang out with and talk to forever.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
Or you never know.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
I don't know yet. I know you're seventeen and you're
both like you know, for guys, especially you know, I
played football in high school. I was a meat head.
You get in like fistfights with your friends and then
you're like, oh, I'm sorry, Like the relationship is dumb
sometimes well.
Speaker 3 (41:58):
You know what will take like a mayor and look
at it. Say people got married at twenty one and
then they get a divorce and like quote we grew
in different directions, totally valid. Well accept that with a
couple friends. Same thing. I had a friend who was
when I met her we were probably twenty one. It
(42:18):
served its purpose and like her values. In about ten
years in, I was like, these are not my values.
Like I learned she was a super believe it or
not conservative. Her parents hated gay people. Make her political.
I mean she was like definitely in one of the
most not her but her family was in a very conservative,
(42:42):
like what would be classified as a hate group. And
I'm like, oh, we're not supposed to be friends because
she still talks to her family. So I was like,
we're just ending this. But it was like I just
got to step away these this girl does not have
the values I have and there's nothing wrong with that.
It served its purpose when this wacky stuff was isn't
going on now it doesn't. So I think everybody feels
(43:02):
like that's the problem. They feel like they're a failure
if they haven't made it work despite shit like that.
So your friend has a nervous breakdown, and I'm gonna
stick with her no matter what, and like your personality changes,
do I have to stick with it? No, I don't
have to be mean about it. But you'd be like, well,
(43:24):
she's not for me anymore. And this takes a lot
of strength to just be like, wow, that just doesn't
work anymore. So this girl seventeen who knows who she
meets this year. They may not be right, but they
wouldn't have been right in the long run. Anyway.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
It's too young to make a judgment call.
Speaker 3 (43:41):
I think it's just be open.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Yeah, you're so young, But also.
Speaker 3 (43:45):
You're gonna they gotta remember in friendships you're gonna kiss
a lot of frogs too. I have had about ten
failed friendships or friendship attempts in the last ten years
because I'm like, oh, they seem nice, and then you
find now you don't like them that much and they
don't like you that much, and then it's like okay,
and then you're a little bit grieving of it, and
(44:05):
you put it to rest and go. No one was
evil here. This wasn't some arch conservative like that crazy
cunt when I was in my twenties.
Speaker 4 (44:13):
But it was just like, oh, you're not right for me.
Speaker 3 (44:14):
I'm not right for you. That's okay. But it's also
then still fishing in a good way of like, oh,
but they seem nice, I'll talk to them. It's not
getting closed off. So all she has to do at
any age, especially that young, is just stay open, don't
panic and cling to someone who isn't right for you
and ignore the signs. And I just be like, all
(44:34):
I might not work out every time, because it usually doesn't.
It's hard to grow in the same direction as a person.
Speaker 2 (44:41):
It's true you're seventeen. Also, let's relax.
Speaker 3 (44:44):
Yeah, well it's easy for you to say, though. I
get because that's why I'm not dismissive and you are,
and that's why I will never be friends.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
I'm a PhD in kunt.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
You asked the next question fast, and I'm going to
answer it in two sentences.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Go cool, read fast, Emily and Vancouver. Dear Lisa, my
best friend doesn't consider.
Speaker 4 (45:03):
Me your best friend. I got those.
Speaker 2 (45:06):
She picks someone else to be her maid of honor
even though she was she was mine at my wedding.
Do you think this matters? Do we both have to
have each other's number one?
Speaker 4 (45:15):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (45:16):
God, I have to be each other's number one?
Speaker 4 (45:17):
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (45:18):
I think that is a hard one because of the
wedding thing. Take the wedding thing out and it's a
little easier to manage. Because I have three friends who
I strongly suspect like me best, but I don't like
them best. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with
any of them. So my friend Andrews one of them.
We have a joke. I always go, I know I'm
(45:38):
your best friend, you're not mine because I don't have
a best friend. I think it's an artificial construct that
doesn't really exist and is sort of possession based, and
I don't think you can possess another person. So I
think it's fine in theory to have different best friends.
But boy, when a wedding thing comes up, everybody gets heightened,
(45:59):
so everybody on their worst behavior.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Especially with women. I think when men it's different because
I know for a fact that, like again my friend Anthony,
he has two brothers, so like I knew that, like,
I'm not gonna be the best man. It's all good.
I wasn't like, why aren't I the girl that was
hurt by me and my buddy, My buddy Corey, we've
been friends we were nine years old. I was his
best man, I you know, work close, But like, I
(46:24):
don't know if he would be mine. Yeah, I really
it would probably be my friend Anthony. But at the
same time, like, guys are just like whatever, man like
so much cooler, it's so much different and like it.
First of all, it depends on so many factors. I
always think about this. This is like the woman in me.
I always think about, like whether I'm marrying however many
how many friends is she gonna have?
Speaker 3 (46:40):
Well, that's what I can.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Fill as many as you need. But if we only
have four, we.
Speaker 3 (46:44):
Gotta have sixteen.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I mean I couldn't want to.
Speaker 3 (46:47):
Well, the fact is too like I'm lucky because I
had one sister, so I always insert her in the wedding,
right best or what's it called maid of honor? She
was a maid of honor in the first, matron of
honor in the second. Great, everything's fine, but yeah it
is weirder with friends. But who is this? What's this
bitch's name.
Speaker 4 (47:07):
Emily counting me Emily.
Speaker 3 (47:10):
Take the wedding out of it, but you have full
permission to like them as much as you like them.
Feel a little butt hurt that you're not the first
that they think of. I think that could even be
brought up because, like I said, I do joke with
Andrew about that. I think a man can take that
joke a little better than a woman could. But it
might be a nice little conversation being like, Ooh, I
thought I thought you'd think of me first. I'm not mad,
(47:32):
but can we talk about if anything's changed between us?
Can we talk if like I could do something that
I'm not doing. Am I letting you down? Somehow? That
might be what happens.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
If you want to. Ye, it's just different.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
We just talk about everything. Women can't let anything go.
We have to be yaping it up all the time.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Yeah, I like know immediately who I would like like
it would be my buddy Corey and Anthony for my
bachelor party. I'll be the last one to get married.
I'm the last one. I would literally just go take
care of it planet guys, and they would do it,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (48:03):
Yeah, But it's it's also when but there's no hurt
feelings most of the time with guys. I think with
girls they get really feeling less than because it's just
a struggle to be like, oh no, like I thought
I had this and now I don't like it feels
like a great loss, sadly enough, So Emily hanging there, Hunty, hunty,
(48:24):
it's a k girl. Just be friends with gay man.
I think we just have to do that from now on.
No women anymore, just.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Gay men game. They're basically the same thing.
Speaker 3 (48:33):
And black ones. Then it's like knock off, two minorities and.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
One two birds with one cock.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
That's what, okay, but a big one because they're black.
We have to say goodbye. But don't think for a
second we're not BFFs. Actually we're not. I'm not your friend,
I'm not friends with poors, I'm not friends with a Nick,
and I'm certainly not friends with Celia, our producer, who
doesn't like us anymore. I don't know. I don't trust
(49:01):
her lack of loyalty. She didn't make me her maid
of honor, and I'm very upset about that.
Speaker 4 (49:09):
That's for the next episode.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Next episode, Desperate Women and the People they married the
shoring Celia, Nick, wrap it up, tell people where they
can find us.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
Thanks for listening. Be sure to email us your questions
at shrink This Show at gmail dot com. That is,
Shrink this Show at gmail dot com. Make sure to
follow me on social media at Nick Scopes, Yeah, Instagram, TikTok.
You could follow Lisa at Lisa Lampinelli and make sure
to listen to Shrink This on your iHeartRadio app Yeah
(49:42):
bed or wherever you get podcasts or whatever your best
friend tells you.
Speaker 4 (49:45):
To podcast or whatever you twiddle.
Speaker 3 (49:48):
You'r twat and have fun with I honestly sit on
my iHeart app and it vibrates and it's terrific. Shrink
This with Lisa Lambinelli.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
I gonna at ya
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Mhm
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