April 24, 2024 • 34 mins
Our favorite relationship expert Matthew Hussey is here to discuss his new book, "Love Life" in stores now!
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today's Daily Highlight from Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm from the.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
When is it not a great time to have Matthew
Hussey pay us a visit? I hope not today. Hi, Matthew, Hello, welcome, Hello,
I I I went immediately to Cuckney. Then don't make
me bring Andrew in here. You know, when Andrew does
his Matthew Hussey impersonating, it can't be called a Matthew
Hussey impersonation. It's some sort of strange Dick Van Dyke,
(00:33):
Mary Poppins, Chimney sweet things. It's not good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
I can't believe any of you think it's good. It is.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's good. It's a caricature of your voice. It's not
your voice. That enough of that. You have a book, Okay,
I think today is day day two. The book is out. Correct,
the book is officially out. Yeah, it was out yesterday,
so people can order it now. Congratulations, then congratulations, and
you know what, and it's too early because it's only
a day in But when they put that gold New
York Times best Seller emblem on the front.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Don't jinx it.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
No, no, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen thanks to
the power of this show. Is it on audible?
Speaker 5 (01:10):
And do you do the the voiceover? Voiceover?
Speaker 4 (01:13):
No, Andrew does. Andrew narrates it the entire audi open Andrew,
Let's see how that would sound.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I need I need some love music in the background.
And then then we got to talk about the book
what it's all about, because I have thoughts here and Andrew. Everyone,
all right, okay, here, grab grab the book. Do you
have any love music? Okay? Okay, good morning, Okay. This
(01:44):
is not Matthew Hussey. This is an impersonator. Andrew. Good morning, Andrew,
Good morning everyone. How are you okay?
Speaker 1 (01:50):
For apparently I sound like Dick Van Dyke or you know,
Mary Poppins is something, but all right?
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Read a passage from your book, Matthew. All right.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
This one's from the chapter about red flags, treating people
badly when they don't think you're looking. This red flag
occurs when someone who's trying to impress you, seduce you,
sleep with you, or make you fall in love with
the person's a selective version of who they are. Bad
actors do this, sure, but so does everyone on the
(02:18):
best behavior.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
There you go it's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I think I'd rather hear his version than your give
me my book, you got too many.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
That sounded like David Attenborough.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
About thank you, Andrew, don't go too far. Writing a
book is an interesting journey, is it not? Oh my god,
so I know you. You turned in your first your
first draft to the publisher, and they looked at you
and said this is crap.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
They didn't say it was crap. Actually, I got an
email back from my publisher who I loved dearly and
I worked on her, with her on her I worked
with her on my first book and it was all great.
And I sent her this email with chapters like first
chapters of this book. This was back in I must
have been twenty eighteen nineteen, and I said to her,
(03:16):
here it is like I was like so excited. I
was like, just wait till you see this floating above
the trees. And she took a needle up and popped it.
She said. The first sentence she said, was I really
wanted to like this. Oh it was the first my
feeling it was brutal. And she said it's so angry. Well,
(03:38):
she said, your tone here is so angry.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Were you angry? At the time. Yes, okay, so you
know what, But you know the thing is that you
recognized that you were in a dark space at that time,
and the book came out dark. That means you were
honestly writing that book.
Speaker 4 (03:52):
I really was, yeah, and I was going I'd been
going through for like five to God, at that point,
five or six years of my life. I'd been going
through real, like physical chronic pain in my head and
my ear. I had tenatus ringing in my ears NonStop.
I still have that, but I had like pain in
my ear in my head. That for anyone who goes
through physical chronic pain, you know, at a certain point
it starts to kind of you can get quite bitter
(04:14):
with it because you just start to it takes you
out of your life.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
So let's turn it around. Then, let's talk about how
your journey then turned into one that gave us this book,
which will be bestseller before you know it. I guarantee you.
I was skimming through, picked up a few things here
and there, and it was true. Matthew Hussey, it was you.
It sounds so good, it feels warm, it has texture,
it has taste. Even if you were blind, you would
(04:39):
see a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work of art here. You
did a great job.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
Thank you so so much. It means the world to
me coming from you. I've been doing this show for
ten years of my life at this point, which is
crazy to me.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
I first came on the show when I was talking
about my first book, and so much has happened since then.
And also so much has happened. I feel like in
dating culture and the way people struggle to find love,
you know, everyone wants to find love. That desire to
find someone is universal. A lot of people don't want
(05:13):
to date, but they want to find love, and it's
hard for so many people out there. Right now, I
know there will be so many people listening who are
so scared that is never going to happen for them,
or up so sad that it hasn't worked out the
way they thought it would by this point in their life.
And what happens when that happens for long enough is
we have this fear and anxiety that it's never going
(05:36):
to happen. And when an internal culture of fear and
anxiety meets an external dating culture of people giving as
little as they can and taking as much as they can,
that creates a recipe for us lowering our standards and
accepting less than we're worth. And that's what this book
is about.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Dating is frightening. It can be if you learn it
and you become your worst enemy. Let's talk about it.
It's about relationships, right. We have relationship not only with people,
but with ourselves. We have relationships with money and food
and bosses and careers and an ft up world. Learning
how to figure out how to master all these relationships
makes you makes you stronger. Then therefore your relationship with
(06:18):
a person will have a better chance of succeeding.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
That's so true. I think we're in three relationships our
entire life. One is our relationship with other people, the
second is our relationship with ourselves, and the third is
our relationship with life itself. And I agree with you
one hundred percent. If those other two relationships with life
and with ourselves aren't great, it's going to impact everything.
Because one of the reasons we don't have high standards
(06:42):
is because we don't respect ourselves, we don't love ourselves,
and then we go to someone else. And if we
do have standards, they're almost like fake standards. They're like tactics.
If I play hard to get, this person will come
to me. But when a tactic doesn't work, we just
changed tactic. Oh, hard to get didn't work, Now let
(07:02):
me text them. But when it's a standard, you don't
change because you don't get the result you want. Like
there was a time when my wife, Audrey is in
the room right now, and Hi Adre, Hi Adrey.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Hello, thanks for being here.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
There was a moment where when we were dating, I
was the one who was like doing the classic kind
of fading a little bit. We were playing, not even
game playing, we were dating. We weren't like in a relationship.
At that point, she was living in London. I flew
back to la and I was like, I can't The
(07:39):
long distance thing didn't appeal to me. And she hadn't
heard from me for you know, a couple of weeks
at that point, and even before that, my texts and
stuff had started to become more sporadic. And I did
the class I look back on this now and I cringe.
But I did the thing where I sent a message
and said I miss you. And this was after like
(07:59):
a couple of weeks of no contact, and she sent
me the ultimate standards message back most people in that situation,
if they've got someone they like, will get excited or
they'll be like, oh, I'm just glad they texted me.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
How did she respond?
Speaker 4 (08:16):
She said, Hey, I hope you're well to be honest
when you say this. I'm not really sure what to say.
We haven't felt that close for a while, and rightly
or wrongly, this text comes off as a bid for attention.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Wow, OK, I got for you, because you know what
that is called just I have nothing to lose. I
just I'm going to be honest here.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
And so text would have said bleep, you ask you know.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
What, wow, which would have been fair too, which is
basically the same.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
So your other girls stopped talking to you, So now
you came back to yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
But could the could you're stumbling blocking our our potholes
as well as we call them, be that we're out
of another relationship where we didn't learn from it. Well, yeah,
And you know this is why a lot of people
your friends will say to you, you keep repeating, you
keep dating the same idiots over and over. We're not
learning from the relationships that fail. That failing relationship could
(09:18):
be the answer to the right relationship. On the way right.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
Yeah, And I don't think a lot of us ever
take enough time to really figure that out, or even
just enough space for our nervous system to calm down
from that last relationship, because we come out of these
relationships and they are very familiar to us. We're used
to a certain kind of toxicity, or we're used to
a certain kind of chaos, a certain kind of push.
(09:43):
Paul I had a woman. I'd write about this woman
in the book, and the book is called love Life.
For anyone who wants to know this woman, I coached
her and she is. She said to me, I was
with a guy for two years. It was really hard.
I never really felt safe. I was constantly kind of,
you know, chasing him. But I had this amazing chemistry
(10:03):
with him. And now I'm out there dating again, and
I feel like I don't have that feeling with the
people who want me. She said, what can I do?
How can I find that same feeling with someone who
wants me? And I had to point out that the
feeling she felt in the last relationship was actually an
unnatural feeling to begin with. What she was calling chemistry
(10:25):
was really constant, never ending anxiety, and the truth is
that feeling we have when we chase someone in early
dating that creates all of that excitement.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
It never ends.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
If you're in a relationship where you still feel like
you're chasing the person, where you feel like you're never
really safe, you're never really secure. It's like the frenetic
anxiety of early dating never ends. And then when that
person inevitably leaves us or betrays us, or cheats or
doesn't want to want us anymore, we go looking for
that feeling again. And you're not going to have that
(10:57):
same feeling with someone who actually turns to meet and
starts asking you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested
in you and you feel safe.
Speaker 5 (11:06):
With But don't some people just like the chase, like
that's what they love, like getting the person, and when
they get the person, they get.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Bored or don't you get tired of chasing?
Speaker 5 (11:15):
Maybe some people don't. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
You think so, well, that's the thing you have to
decide what to value in life, because there are certain
feelings that if you value them, there are certain highs
that if you value them above all else, you'll spend
a life chasing those highs. And that's okay, but there
are consequences to that, and most of us don't want
those consequences. At a certain point, we realize, oh, this
(11:36):
isn't working for me anymore. So I don't think there's
it's no judgment for people who are in that phase
of their life, and most people have been through that
phase of their life in one way or another. But
at a certain point, I think we have to look
at it and go, is this making me happy? Like
I do I feel a sense of calm or peace?
Or am I constantly on edge?
Speaker 6 (11:57):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Go, go ok, stop wrote it? Repeat what you just said.
I think this is important. You're in the chase with
this individual you're having a relationship with. You know that
you have the craziness, the late nights of being worried
and not feeling settled. You forget about checking in with yourself,
(12:18):
is what you just said. Say it again, am I
Is this actually making me happy? Or am I just
constantly trying to get this person without paying attention to
how I actually feel?
Speaker 5 (12:30):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
So on that note, somebody once said to me that
the common denominator and every failed relationship that someone will have,
specifically me, is me. I'm the person that's constant in
all of these different things. So if I'm not learning
something from every failed relationship, because of course we want
to look at the other person and be like, well,
this is what they did wrong. You're never going to
change the other person. You can only change yourself. But
(12:51):
how do you nicely say that to your friends who
keep going down this path and saying everybody's crazy, everyone
is making the wrong choice. I just always want to
with a crazy person.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
Yeah, that's an look, they're not. They may not be
wrong for the behaviors they're pointing out in someone else,
but we have to ask ourselves, why is it I
keep going for people like this? Why is it? You know,
if we keep complaining about a partner who is making
us miserable or never there or constantly disrespecting us, and
(13:25):
we hear ourselves for the one thousandth time telling the
same story about this person. It doesn't mean we're wrong
about this person, But why am I telling the story
for the one thousandth time? What's going on with me.
Speaker 5 (13:42):
At the same person's name.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
It's it's understanding that you're there's something going on with
me that I prefer complaining about this person than the alternative,
which is to leave or to find something better for
myself from why is it I'm uncomfortable with something better?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
These are your questions you should be asking yourself and
don't be afraid to answer them. You may not get
the answer immediately, but you have to at least start
on your journey to figure it out. By the way,
this is Matthew Hussey. Love Life is the name of
his book that came out yesterday, How to Raise your standards,
find your person and live happily no matter what.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
So you have a whole lot to say about red flags,
which Andrew just read in his impression.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Points of view?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Do you think that red flags have become a little
more serious now that everybody has all of these options
than they used to be, because every one of us
has a red flag at some point? At what point
do you say that's just a little character flawgs not
that serious, versus Oh, this is awful, I'm out.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
That's a great questions. There's serious red flags, like someone's
words never match their actions, right, they can't apologize, never apologize, right,
that's a big one. They killed that would be bad.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
It depends what.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
They did that happened in a moment of passion. Uh,
all the true crime that's around. There's more famous people
that killed their ex than ever, so it's uh, you
know someone who continuously breaks promises. You know, there's there's
big ones, but then there's just the everyday stuff that
(15:25):
you know, someone got a little bit jealous, or someone
you know got scared, or someone was texted you a
little too much, or like it's there are these things
that we write each other off for really easily, and
I think I don't know that. The more I kind
of worked on myself and the more I got humbled
by life in my own life, the more I became
(15:47):
I had to learn to accept all these flaws in myself.
I had to learn to accept all these parts of
me that someone else had to work with me on
and deal with. And once I became more compassionate towards
the flaws in myself, it had the effect for me
at least of making me more compassionate for those flaws
in others. When I think about the times in my
(16:08):
life where I judged other people the most, it was
usually when I was judging myself the most.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're with someone and you realize that they're not flawed
but they are still on their path to try to
figure themselves out, which may never happen in their lifetime. Right,
but you love them, you see there's something in there
that is just so fabulously fantastic. But you just know
that they were they will always be that person who's
(16:33):
going to cause turmoil. It's gonna rear, it's ugly ahead
from time to time. Where do you draw the line,
where do you say, Okay, I can't live my life
like this anymore. But at the same time, you risk
losing that wonderful person that shares that same body.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
Love isn't enough. I mean, that's just the truth. We
want to think love is enough, but it actually isn't.
You need compatibility in the world way that you want
to live life. You need compatibility in the future that
you want to have together. You need someone who is
capable of me in your core needs, not every single
(17:10):
one of the needs you could ever have, but your
core needs. And if being with this person is fundamentally
incompatible with a life of peace and happiness for you,
the idea that staying with them is one day going
to make you happy is science fiction. The idea that
they're going to change is science fiction. Consider for a
moment how hard it is for us to change anything.
(17:33):
Like you wake up New Year's Day, you have all
these things you'd like to do this year.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
We all do.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
We make a few resolutions. Just think for a moment.
You made those resolutions because you were motivated, because you
wanted that change to happen, because you really were serious
about it. Then consider how hard it was to actually
stick to those resolutions and you wanted to. So now
take a person who doesn't even want to Take a
(18:00):
person who's not even chosen it as their resolution. What
they want is just to get you off their back.
That is not someone who's intrinsically motivated. And change is
really hard even when you're intrinsically motivated. So the idea
that this person is going to change is a fantasy.
And especially, by the way, if the change you want
(18:23):
is like it would mean essentially a personality transplant for them.
Most of us change like five ten percent. And that's,
by the way, that's beautiful, that's not pessimistic. Five ten
percent will change the whole trajectory of your life. But
when we change, we do not get a personality transplant.
If for you to be happy, in fundamental ways they
(18:44):
would need a personality transplant. You must must assume it
will never happen. And when you leave that person or
decide to cut them off, it will hurt, and that
hurt will trick you into thinking you have made the
wrong decision, because when something hurts really badly, it feels
like it must be wrong. But just because it hurts,
(19:04):
it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Some of
the greatest hurt is over some of the best decisions
in our life.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
So therefore, everyone listening to this show right now, in
a relationship, end it no just pull the plug, go
to that pain. You know. One of my favorite things, Matthew,
that you've said in the past, and you've said it
several times, is the most dangerous moment is when you
decide and you feel like you really like someone, when
you find that person who you really connect with, and
(19:32):
you're like, okay, where do we go with this? That's
a you use the word dangerous, actually a dangerous moment?
What does that mean?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
It's I talk about this in the book is the
Four Levels of the Bullets Love Life. The book Love Life,
which by the way, if you want to copy, you
can go to lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Well, can I go to the other places too?
Speaker 4 (19:51):
You can also go to Amazon, Bonds and Nobles. We
make more percentage if I go to your website. No,
we actually have some freebies that we're giving away on
that website, so that don't give away free you always
hate when.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
I give a sheep and the sweatshirts that you have
are those freebies.
Speaker 4 (20:04):
They're cute, they're part of the Everyone who buys a
book is entered into a giveaway for them. You can
register at lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Okay, okay, So the moment that is most dangerous is
when you meet them and decide, oh my god, I
really really have a feeling this is something.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
Yeah, because that's mutual attraction feels hard to find, right
we especially when we're single and we're we really want
to find love. When we find someone who we're attracted to, firstly,
that feels rare. Then if they like us back, it
feels like the Holy Grail. It feels like this is
(20:43):
it and we want to give everything to it. But
the problem is there's two levels beyond that. There's commitment
and there's compatibility. And if we don't have those we
have this amazing connection, but to what end? We have
to slow ourselves down when we decide something is that important.
It doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings. It
(21:04):
means you have to check your feelings and go, Okay.
I've been on an amazing date with someone. It was great,
it felt incredible. But right now I am not seeing
this person's character. I am seeing their impact on me,
and there is a huge difference. And by the way,
not to be too kind of, you know, fear mongering
(21:25):
on this side of the spectrum, but some of the
worst people, some of the biggest narcissists, are the greatest
at creating the biggest impact on you when you're hot
hot narcissies, Well.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
How long do you think it takes for you to
find out the real person? Because, like you said, you
put your best foot forward in the beginning.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I think you have to see them in multiple contexts,
have different experiences with them, and start to see them
over time. Because character is consistent. Impact can be momentary,
but character is consistent. And in order to measure consistency,
you have to have you have to be seeing this
person regularly. You have to see how much do they
(22:06):
invest Three weeks from now, and if, by the way,
the answer is well, we had an amazing two dates,
but I haven't heard from them for two weeks, then
you're learning exactly how much they're investing three weeks in exactly.
He's really looked at Audrey when he said that, do
I dre.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Obviously we know where you got that chapter from.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I think you got to stress people out immediately and
early so that you can see how they handle conflicts,
because that's something that you don't see for a really
long time, and that can be a huge deal between people.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Well, I do think I'm not sure about the proactively
stressing the mass.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yes, proactively.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
I think going through things together is a good thing.
Like going through hard times is one of the greatest
measures of any relationship. And that doesn't mean you should
necessarily engineer hard times. But what it does mean is
that if you haven't been through any hard times with anyone,
be careful about saying that.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
This is it.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
This is the person.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
You don't know them.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
You have no idea reactor.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
How they treat their parents, how they treat a server
at a restaurant, how they there's there's all those little things,
and you're like I get that immediately. By the way,
I'm gonna take one call. Do we have to take
a break? But there's more unless you gotta go what
you're timing.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
No, I'm so happy here.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Having life here.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Hello Aaron, Hi, good morning. You just ordered Love Life
starring Matthew husband.
Speaker 7 (23:33):
I did.
Speaker 6 (23:34):
I did, And so.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You're actually calling to say thank you for calling me
out on my shenanigans. What does that mean? What does
that mean in your mind?
Speaker 6 (23:42):
I don't know. I guess I've never really thought about it,
you know, like I just have always assumed like I
found crappy people in life, and like I just have
learned to deal with it. But that's like when he said,
you know, like why are we choosing to deal with it?
Like what is it in us that makes it? And
the fact that maybe it's not like real, real love,
it's just like a traction thing that to me, I
think it goes back to like childhood, like there was
(24:04):
never like real affection or emotion or things like that.
So to me, like I find those people that you did,
you worked on, fixed on and cured, and I think
I'm a solution and I'm not. I'm not the solution.
And it's too much work.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
I had a friend, Aaron, who was with a guy
that treated her awfully, and she was with him for
a while, and then when she found a new relationship
after that one that really hurt her, she found this
amazing guy lovely treated her well and it was a
really healthy relationship in the beginning. And her mom asked
(24:39):
her one day, you know, how's it going, and she said,
it's so weird, mom, he's so nice to me, and
her mom her mom looked at her and said, that's
how it's supposed to be. And so, Aaron, what I
want to say to you is that other behavior that
deep down you might really need, that safety, that person
(25:01):
who really sees you, that person who really shows up
for you, that person who's consistent. That might present as
really unfamiliar when you first get it from someone. And
when something's that unfamiliar, it's a bit uncomfortable. It's weird.
It can even be boring, airing. It can feel kind
of boring, like this isn't the chaos I'm used to.
(25:23):
But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's
not what I'm used to. And it might take me
a little bit to acclimatize to something that's more healthy,
especially if I've never had it.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
I want boring in my life.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Boring is actually exciting sometimes, like my dad, doing nothing
is doing something. And so if I if I can
have just relax night with you with no arguing, I'm
totally fine with it. Totally fine with it. A quick
question from Frog and we've got to take a break.
What's up? Frog?
Speaker 7 (25:55):
I always say that you I would rather do the
most mundane, boring thing with the most wonderful person that
I enjoy spending time with, been doing the most magical,
wonderful thing with the wrong person, because it ruins that
experience because it's with the wrong person that's so good.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
And I would say, you guys have my heart through
the roof. It's why we have to be really careful
if we look at our dating life with someone early
on and we just keep doing all of these kind
of shiny, exciting things, because those can actually mask how
little connection we have with someone. You know, the person
you can fold laundry with and you're having the best
(26:32):
time because you're just talking and lost in this amazing conversation.
That's that's fantastic. The person you have to keep going
on fancy dates with and it comes back and you're
just like, oh my god, there's so much here. It's like, well,
it might just be that the food at that restaurant
was amazing. It might be that you went to an
amazing show. It might it might not be anything to
do with the connection you're having with that person. It's
(26:53):
the experiences that this is providing.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Aaron, thank you so much for your call. And by
the way, Aaron, she said that that classic thing we
hear all the time, Oh my god, you're hitting home
with me. Now we're hitting home with a lot of
people because what you're experiencing is what all of us experience.
So this is our Okay, Matthew Hussey a little more
in a second, No, I'm done. Elvis ran in the
Morning show this spring. Get Hello Fresh and enjoy easy
(27:19):
recipes delivered to your doorstep. Plus joined today and you'll
get free dessert for life at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
That's one free dessert item per box with an active
subscription at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
Speaker 8 (27:35):
Whoa guys, no idea? My voice was that annoyingly are used.
Speaker 4 (27:47):
To listening to the station that I found you guys.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
And I got so refreshing love you guys, Elvis Duran
and the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
His book is called love Life or it could be
love life. You could say it either way, because I
get it. I get it. Oh me. It means many things,
love life and love life and love life. People commenting Matthew,
Oh my god, that's such an amazing show, much needed
topic on relationships. Thank you for this conversation. For Matthew,
this is all great, but what about when you're twenty
(28:16):
years into a relationship. Should you still expect to have
great conversations while you're folding laundry? What if you start
to need those amazing restaurants and experiences to generate new conversations.
Does this mean love is no longer enough? Should turn
your microphone on? Yes, sir.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
In any long term relationship, newness is important. So I
think the balance can shift there where you're like, are
we bringing newness into our relationship?
Speaker 2 (28:41):
I had a third party bring a third person in clause?
Who's with me? Hey? A lot of people have been
commenting about how they feel as if you are digging
up things that they have buried, And I think this
book could be great for all of us who think
we know it all. Love life. Matthew Hussey another call,
(29:05):
then we'll Angela Lane twenty. Hello, Angela, say good morning
to Matthew Hussey.
Speaker 9 (29:11):
Come one to Matthew.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Hey, Angela, what's going on?
Speaker 9 (29:16):
I had a question as far as like dating, having
dated a narcissis, like how what's the best way to
know like dating a narcissis and how to get what's
the best way to break away from them? Because they
can see very kind of I.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Think the truth is it's look. I think one of
the traps we get stuck in, Angela is trying to
diagnose someone when we're not an expert and you don't
need to diagnose someone. What you need to check in
with is your actual experience. Am I happy? Are my
needs getting met? Or am I consistent? Or am I
trying to figure out if this person is a diagnosable narcissist,
(29:53):
which is what you're doing? And if that's the case,
you have to say, how did I get here? What's
going on there? Even asking these questions? And how long
has it been going on for? How many times have
I cried? How many times have I tried to change
it and nothing has changed. And then what you have
to do is go into a place of acceptance that
this person, if they haven't changed so far, why would
(30:14):
I think they're going to change now? And if I
have to leave, the hardest thing to do is to
be the one who lights the fuse that blows up
your own life. That is really, really hard, But you
have to accept that if you stay, you'll never be happy,
and if you leave, there will be an initial mess.
There will be especially if this is a difficult person,
they're probably not going to make your life easy. Instead
(30:37):
of hoping that won't happen except that it might, accept
that it's coming and surrender to the fact that on
the other side of that mess is a far greater
degree of peace and happiness than you have experienced in
a long long time, and that it's worth going through
that mess to get to that.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Injel, enjoy the mess, Angela. Easy for us to say,
but can you imagine actually going Okay, I know that
if I go through this mess, it's gonna be a mess,
but I'm gonna be so much stronger out of that mess.
Then okay, let's get messy, all right, Angela, Thank you
so much before you leave. I want to The last
(31:15):
chapter in your book, Love Life, which is available at
lovelife book dot com, is happy enough. Wow. Those two
words are pretty powerful because a lot of people are like,
you know, I don't know if I've found happiness quite yet.
I don't know what it's. Am I happy? I don't
am I I don't know? And you really kind of
(31:36):
address that in this chapter and it really makes you
makes me kind of calm in a way.
Speaker 4 (31:41):
Yeah, because I think we always talk about I cringe
a little when I hear people say you have to
be happy in whole before you ever meet someone, And
I'm like, how many married people do you know that
we're happy in whole before they met someone? Like, it's
we all come to a relationship with stuff, we all
have baggage, we all have wounds that were still trying
to heal. And by the way, that we have to
(32:01):
stop pathologizing people who feel lonely because they haven't found
someone and feel sad that it hasn't happened yet. Those
are normal feelings to feel. We all have the longing
for love, so instead of aiming for happy, which I
think is intimidating and makes us feel inadequate for not
being able to get there. Happy Enough says, if my
(32:22):
life stayed the way it is today, I'd actually be okay.
Maybe I can even admit that if I found someone,
it would be even better. I can admit that. But
you know what, I'm happy enough to hold. I'm happy
enough to say no to the wrong thing when it
comes along. I'm happy enough that when the right thing
comes along, I don't change and act like someone who
(32:44):
can't lose it, because I'll die if I lose this
person that's so right for me. Happy enough is a superpower.
It is not settling. It is this strong foundation from
which to take risks, show your magic again, and actually
get out there. You can take big risks when you
know you can go home to yourself and still be okay.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I love that. I love that. That was something every
one of us needed to hear. You know, everyone smile, Matthew.
You do say something that's good and right every once
in a while, that that pearl of wisdom will roll
out of your oyster. It's fabulous. You know. We love you.
We love you, love life. He's laughing, love lovelifebook dot com.
(33:32):
Of course, it's love Life, Matthew Hussey, thank you for
coming in to me, Thank you for having me. Ah,
it's the weekend.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
Hey, this is Miley Cyrus your office A black Eyed Peace.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Hey, this is Selina Gomes with Elvis Duran in the
Morning Show. Wendy's new Cinnabon pull apart is here to
satisfy morning cravings with its warm, sweet cinnamon sugar rolled
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Wendys
Today's Daily Highlight from Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I'm from the.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
When is it not a great time to have Matthew
Hussey pay us a visit? I hope not today. Hi, Matthew, Hello, welcome, Hello,
I I I went immediately to Cuckney. Then don't make
me bring Andrew in here. You know, when Andrew does
his Matthew Hussey impersonating, it can't be called a Matthew
Hussey impersonation. It's some sort of strange Dick Van Dyke,
(00:33):
Mary Poppins, Chimney sweet things. It's not good.
Speaker 4 (00:37):
I can't believe any of you think it's good. It is.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's good. It's a caricature of your voice. It's not
your voice. That enough of that. You have a book, Okay,
I think today is day day two. The book is out. Correct,
the book is officially out. Yeah, it was out yesterday,
so people can order it now. Congratulations, then congratulations, and
you know what, and it's too early because it's only
a day in But when they put that gold New
York Times best Seller emblem on the front.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Don't jinx it.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
No, no, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen thanks to
the power of this show. Is it on audible?
Speaker 5 (01:10):
And do you do the the voiceover? Voiceover?
Speaker 4 (01:13):
No, Andrew does. Andrew narrates it the entire audi open Andrew,
Let's see how that would sound.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I need I need some love music in the background.
And then then we got to talk about the book
what it's all about, because I have thoughts here and Andrew. Everyone,
all right, okay, here, grab grab the book. Do you
have any love music? Okay? Okay, good morning, Okay. This
(01:44):
is not Matthew Hussey. This is an impersonator. Andrew. Good morning, Andrew,
Good morning everyone. How are you okay?
Speaker 1 (01:50):
For apparently I sound like Dick Van Dyke or you know,
Mary Poppins is something, but all right?
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Read a passage from your book, Matthew. All right.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
This one's from the chapter about red flags, treating people
badly when they don't think you're looking. This red flag
occurs when someone who's trying to impress you, seduce you,
sleep with you, or make you fall in love with
the person's a selective version of who they are. Bad
actors do this, sure, but so does everyone on the
(02:18):
best behavior.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
There you go it's pretty good.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I think I'd rather hear his version than your give
me my book, you got too many.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
That sounded like David Attenborough.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
About thank you, Andrew, don't go too far. Writing a
book is an interesting journey, is it not? Oh my god,
so I know you. You turned in your first your
first draft to the publisher, and they looked at you
and said this is crap.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
They didn't say it was crap. Actually, I got an
email back from my publisher who I loved dearly and
I worked on her, with her on her I worked
with her on my first book and it was all great.
And I sent her this email with chapters like first
chapters of this book. This was back in I must
have been twenty eighteen nineteen, and I said to her,
(03:16):
here it is like I was like so excited. I
was like, just wait till you see this floating above
the trees. And she took a needle up and popped it.
She said. The first sentence she said, was I really
wanted to like this. Oh it was the first my
feeling it was brutal. And she said it's so angry. Well,
(03:38):
she said, your tone here is so angry.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Were you angry? At the time. Yes, okay, so you
know what, But you know the thing is that you
recognized that you were in a dark space at that time,
and the book came out dark. That means you were
honestly writing that book.
Speaker 4 (03:52):
I really was, yeah, and I was going I'd been
going through for like five to God, at that point,
five or six years of my life. I'd been going
through real, like physical chronic pain in my head and
my ear. I had tenatus ringing in my ears NonStop.
I still have that, but I had like pain in
my ear in my head. That for anyone who goes
through physical chronic pain, you know, at a certain point
it starts to kind of you can get quite bitter
(04:14):
with it because you just start to it takes you
out of your life.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
So let's turn it around. Then, let's talk about how
your journey then turned into one that gave us this book,
which will be bestseller before you know it. I guarantee you.
I was skimming through, picked up a few things here
and there, and it was true. Matthew Hussey, it was you.
It sounds so good, it feels warm, it has texture,
it has taste. Even if you were blind, you would
(04:39):
see a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work of art here. You
did a great job.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
Thank you so so much. It means the world to
me coming from you. I've been doing this show for
ten years of my life at this point, which is
crazy to me.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
I first came on the show when I was talking
about my first book, and so much has happened since then.
And also so much has happened. I feel like in
dating culture and the way people struggle to find love,
you know, everyone wants to find love. That desire to
find someone is universal. A lot of people don't want
(05:13):
to date, but they want to find love, and it's
hard for so many people out there. Right now, I
know there will be so many people listening who are
so scared that is never going to happen for them,
or up so sad that it hasn't worked out the
way they thought it would by this point in their life.
And what happens when that happens for long enough is
we have this fear and anxiety that it's never going
(05:36):
to happen. And when an internal culture of fear and
anxiety meets an external dating culture of people giving as
little as they can and taking as much as they can,
that creates a recipe for us lowering our standards and
accepting less than we're worth. And that's what this book
is about.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Dating is frightening. It can be if you learn it
and you become your worst enemy. Let's talk about it.
It's about relationships, right. We have relationship not only with people,
but with ourselves. We have relationships with money and food
and bosses and careers and an ft up world. Learning
how to figure out how to master all these relationships
makes you makes you stronger. Then therefore your relationship with
(06:18):
a person will have a better chance of succeeding.
Speaker 4 (06:20):
That's so true. I think we're in three relationships our
entire life. One is our relationship with other people, the
second is our relationship with ourselves, and the third is
our relationship with life itself. And I agree with you
one hundred percent. If those other two relationships with life
and with ourselves aren't great, it's going to impact everything.
Because one of the reasons we don't have high standards
(06:42):
is because we don't respect ourselves, we don't love ourselves,
and then we go to someone else. And if we
do have standards, they're almost like fake standards. They're like tactics.
If I play hard to get, this person will come
to me. But when a tactic doesn't work, we just
changed tactic. Oh, hard to get didn't work, Now let
(07:02):
me text them. But when it's a standard, you don't
change because you don't get the result you want. Like
there was a time when my wife, Audrey is in
the room right now, and Hi Adre, Hi Adrey.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Hello, thanks for being here.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
There was a moment where when we were dating, I
was the one who was like doing the classic kind
of fading a little bit. We were playing, not even
game playing, we were dating. We weren't like in a relationship.
At that point, she was living in London. I flew
back to la and I was like, I can't The
(07:39):
long distance thing didn't appeal to me. And she hadn't
heard from me for you know, a couple of weeks
at that point, and even before that, my texts and
stuff had started to become more sporadic. And I did
the class I look back on this now and I cringe.
But I did the thing where I sent a message
and said I miss you. And this was after like
(07:59):
a couple of weeks of no contact, and she sent
me the ultimate standards message back most people in that situation,
if they've got someone they like, will get excited or
they'll be like, oh, I'm just glad they texted me.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
How did she respond?
Speaker 4 (08:16):
She said, Hey, I hope you're well to be honest
when you say this. I'm not really sure what to say.
We haven't felt that close for a while, and rightly
or wrongly, this text comes off as a bid for attention.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Wow, OK, I got for you, because you know what
that is called just I have nothing to lose. I
just I'm going to be honest here.
Speaker 5 (08:43):
And so text would have said bleep, you ask you know.
Speaker 4 (08:46):
What, wow, which would have been fair too, which is
basically the same.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
So your other girls stopped talking to you, So now
you came back to yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
But could the could you're stumbling blocking our our potholes
as well as we call them, be that we're out
of another relationship where we didn't learn from it. Well, yeah,
And you know this is why a lot of people
your friends will say to you, you keep repeating, you
keep dating the same idiots over and over. We're not
learning from the relationships that fail. That failing relationship could
(09:18):
be the answer to the right relationship. On the way right.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
Yeah, And I don't think a lot of us ever
take enough time to really figure that out, or even
just enough space for our nervous system to calm down
from that last relationship, because we come out of these
relationships and they are very familiar to us. We're used
to a certain kind of toxicity, or we're used to
a certain kind of chaos, a certain kind of push.
(09:43):
Paul I had a woman. I'd write about this woman
in the book, and the book is called love Life.
For anyone who wants to know this woman, I coached
her and she is. She said to me, I was
with a guy for two years. It was really hard.
I never really felt safe. I was constantly kind of,
you know, chasing him. But I had this amazing chemistry
(10:03):
with him. And now I'm out there dating again, and
I feel like I don't have that feeling with the
people who want me. She said, what can I do?
How can I find that same feeling with someone who
wants me? And I had to point out that the
feeling she felt in the last relationship was actually an
unnatural feeling to begin with. What she was calling chemistry
(10:25):
was really constant, never ending anxiety, and the truth is
that feeling we have when we chase someone in early
dating that creates all of that excitement.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
It never ends.
Speaker 4 (10:37):
If you're in a relationship where you still feel like
you're chasing the person, where you feel like you're never
really safe, you're never really secure. It's like the frenetic
anxiety of early dating never ends. And then when that
person inevitably leaves us or betrays us, or cheats or
doesn't want to want us anymore, we go looking for
that feeling again. And you're not going to have that
(10:57):
same feeling with someone who actually turns to meet and
starts asking you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested
in you and you feel safe.
Speaker 5 (11:06):
With But don't some people just like the chase, like
that's what they love, like getting the person, and when
they get the person, they get.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Bored or don't you get tired of chasing?
Speaker 5 (11:15):
Maybe some people don't. I don't know.
Speaker 4 (11:16):
You think so, well, that's the thing you have to
decide what to value in life, because there are certain
feelings that if you value them, there are certain highs
that if you value them above all else, you'll spend
a life chasing those highs. And that's okay, but there
are consequences to that, and most of us don't want
those consequences. At a certain point, we realize, oh, this
(11:36):
isn't working for me anymore. So I don't think there's
it's no judgment for people who are in that phase
of their life, and most people have been through that
phase of their life in one way or another. But
at a certain point, I think we have to look
at it and go, is this making me happy? Like
I do I feel a sense of calm or peace?
Or am I constantly on edge?
Speaker 6 (11:57):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Go, go ok, stop wrote it? Repeat what you just said.
I think this is important. You're in the chase with
this individual you're having a relationship with. You know that
you have the craziness, the late nights of being worried
and not feeling settled. You forget about checking in with yourself,
(12:18):
is what you just said. Say it again, am I
Is this actually making me happy? Or am I just
constantly trying to get this person without paying attention to
how I actually feel?
Speaker 5 (12:30):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
So on that note, somebody once said to me that
the common denominator and every failed relationship that someone will have,
specifically me, is me. I'm the person that's constant in
all of these different things. So if I'm not learning
something from every failed relationship, because of course we want
to look at the other person and be like, well,
this is what they did wrong. You're never going to
change the other person. You can only change yourself. But
(12:51):
how do you nicely say that to your friends who
keep going down this path and saying everybody's crazy, everyone
is making the wrong choice. I just always want to
with a crazy person.
Speaker 4 (13:01):
Yeah, that's an look, they're not. They may not be
wrong for the behaviors they're pointing out in someone else,
but we have to ask ourselves, why is it I
keep going for people like this? Why is it? You know,
if we keep complaining about a partner who is making
us miserable or never there or constantly disrespecting us, and
(13:25):
we hear ourselves for the one thousandth time telling the
same story about this person. It doesn't mean we're wrong
about this person, But why am I telling the story
for the one thousandth time? What's going on with me.
Speaker 5 (13:42):
At the same person's name.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
It's it's understanding that you're there's something going on with
me that I prefer complaining about this person than the alternative,
which is to leave or to find something better for
myself from why is it I'm uncomfortable with something better?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
These are your questions you should be asking yourself and
don't be afraid to answer them. You may not get
the answer immediately, but you have to at least start
on your journey to figure it out. By the way,
this is Matthew Hussey. Love Life is the name of
his book that came out yesterday, How to Raise your standards,
find your person and live happily no matter what.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
So you have a whole lot to say about red flags,
which Andrew just read in his impression.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Points of view?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Do you think that red flags have become a little
more serious now that everybody has all of these options
than they used to be, because every one of us
has a red flag at some point? At what point
do you say that's just a little character flawgs not
that serious, versus Oh, this is awful, I'm out.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
That's a great questions. There's serious red flags, like someone's
words never match their actions, right, they can't apologize, never apologize, right,
that's a big one. They killed that would be bad.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
It depends what.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
They did that happened in a moment of passion. Uh,
all the true crime that's around. There's more famous people
that killed their ex than ever, so it's uh, you
know someone who continuously breaks promises. You know, there's there's
big ones, but then there's just the everyday stuff that
(15:25):
you know, someone got a little bit jealous, or someone
you know got scared, or someone was texted you a
little too much, or like it's there are these things
that we write each other off for really easily, and
I think I don't know that. The more I kind
of worked on myself and the more I got humbled
by life in my own life, the more I became
(15:47):
I had to learn to accept all these flaws in myself.
I had to learn to accept all these parts of
me that someone else had to work with me on
and deal with. And once I became more compassionate towards
the flaws in myself, it had the effect for me
at least of making me more compassionate for those flaws
in others. When I think about the times in my
(16:08):
life where I judged other people the most, it was
usually when I was judging myself the most.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're with someone and you realize that they're not flawed
but they are still on their path to try to
figure themselves out, which may never happen in their lifetime. Right,
but you love them, you see there's something in there
that is just so fabulously fantastic. But you just know
that they were they will always be that person who's
(16:33):
going to cause turmoil. It's gonna rear, it's ugly ahead
from time to time. Where do you draw the line,
where do you say, Okay, I can't live my life
like this anymore. But at the same time, you risk
losing that wonderful person that shares that same body.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
Love isn't enough. I mean, that's just the truth. We
want to think love is enough, but it actually isn't.
You need compatibility in the world way that you want
to live life. You need compatibility in the future that
you want to have together. You need someone who is
capable of me in your core needs, not every single
(17:10):
one of the needs you could ever have, but your
core needs. And if being with this person is fundamentally
incompatible with a life of peace and happiness for you,
the idea that staying with them is one day going
to make you happy is science fiction. The idea that
they're going to change is science fiction. Consider for a
moment how hard it is for us to change anything.
(17:33):
Like you wake up New Year's Day, you have all
these things you'd like to do this year.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
We all do.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
We make a few resolutions. Just think for a moment.
You made those resolutions because you were motivated, because you
wanted that change to happen, because you really were serious
about it. Then consider how hard it was to actually
stick to those resolutions and you wanted to. So now
take a person who doesn't even want to Take a
(18:00):
person who's not even chosen it as their resolution. What
they want is just to get you off their back.
That is not someone who's intrinsically motivated. And change is
really hard even when you're intrinsically motivated. So the idea
that this person is going to change is a fantasy.
And especially, by the way, if the change you want
(18:23):
is like it would mean essentially a personality transplant for them.
Most of us change like five ten percent. And that's,
by the way, that's beautiful, that's not pessimistic. Five ten
percent will change the whole trajectory of your life. But
when we change, we do not get a personality transplant.
If for you to be happy, in fundamental ways they
(18:44):
would need a personality transplant. You must must assume it
will never happen. And when you leave that person or
decide to cut them off, it will hurt, and that
hurt will trick you into thinking you have made the
wrong decision, because when something hurts really badly, it feels
like it must be wrong. But just because it hurts,
(19:04):
it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Some of
the greatest hurt is over some of the best decisions
in our life.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
So therefore, everyone listening to this show right now, in
a relationship, end it no just pull the plug, go
to that pain. You know. One of my favorite things, Matthew,
that you've said in the past, and you've said it
several times, is the most dangerous moment is when you
decide and you feel like you really like someone, when
you find that person who you really connect with, and
(19:32):
you're like, okay, where do we go with this? That's
a you use the word dangerous, actually a dangerous moment?
What does that mean?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
It's I talk about this in the book is the
Four Levels of the Bullets Love Life. The book Love Life,
which by the way, if you want to copy, you
can go to lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Well, can I go to the other places too?
Speaker 4 (19:51):
You can also go to Amazon, Bonds and Nobles. We
make more percentage if I go to your website. No,
we actually have some freebies that we're giving away on
that website, so that don't give away free you always
hate when.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
I give a sheep and the sweatshirts that you have
are those freebies.
Speaker 4 (20:04):
They're cute, they're part of the Everyone who buys a
book is entered into a giveaway for them. You can
register at lovelifebook dot com.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Okay, okay, So the moment that is most dangerous is
when you meet them and decide, oh my god, I
really really have a feeling this is something.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
Yeah, because that's mutual attraction feels hard to find, right
we especially when we're single and we're we really want
to find love. When we find someone who we're attracted to, firstly,
that feels rare. Then if they like us back, it
feels like the Holy Grail. It feels like this is
(20:43):
it and we want to give everything to it. But
the problem is there's two levels beyond that. There's commitment
and there's compatibility. And if we don't have those we
have this amazing connection, but to what end? We have
to slow ourselves down when we decide something is that important.
It doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings. It
(21:04):
means you have to check your feelings and go, Okay.
I've been on an amazing date with someone. It was great,
it felt incredible. But right now I am not seeing
this person's character. I am seeing their impact on me,
and there is a huge difference. And by the way,
not to be too kind of, you know, fear mongering
(21:25):
on this side of the spectrum, but some of the
worst people, some of the biggest narcissists, are the greatest
at creating the biggest impact on you when you're hot
hot narcissies, Well.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
How long do you think it takes for you to
find out the real person? Because, like you said, you
put your best foot forward in the beginning.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I think you have to see them in multiple contexts,
have different experiences with them, and start to see them
over time. Because character is consistent. Impact can be momentary,
but character is consistent. And in order to measure consistency,
you have to have you have to be seeing this
person regularly. You have to see how much do they
(22:06):
invest Three weeks from now, and if, by the way,
the answer is well, we had an amazing two dates,
but I haven't heard from them for two weeks, then
you're learning exactly how much they're investing three weeks in exactly.
He's really looked at Audrey when he said that, do
I dre.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Obviously we know where you got that chapter from.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I think you got to stress people out immediately and
early so that you can see how they handle conflicts,
because that's something that you don't see for a really
long time, and that can be a huge deal between people.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Well, I do think I'm not sure about the proactively
stressing the mass.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Yes, proactively.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
I think going through things together is a good thing.
Like going through hard times is one of the greatest
measures of any relationship. And that doesn't mean you should
necessarily engineer hard times. But what it does mean is
that if you haven't been through any hard times with anyone,
be careful about saying that.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
This is it.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
This is the person.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
You don't know them.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
You have no idea reactor.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
How they treat their parents, how they treat a server
at a restaurant, how they there's there's all those little things,
and you're like I get that immediately. By the way,
I'm gonna take one call. Do we have to take
a break? But there's more unless you gotta go what
you're timing.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
No, I'm so happy here.
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Having life here.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Hello Aaron, Hi, good morning. You just ordered Love Life
starring Matthew husband.
Speaker 7 (23:33):
I did.
Speaker 6 (23:34):
I did, And so.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You're actually calling to say thank you for calling me
out on my shenanigans. What does that mean? What does
that mean in your mind?
Speaker 6 (23:42):
I don't know. I guess I've never really thought about it,
you know, like I just have always assumed like I
found crappy people in life, and like I just have
learned to deal with it. But that's like when he said,
you know, like why are we choosing to deal with it?
Like what is it in us that makes it? And
the fact that maybe it's not like real, real love,
it's just like a traction thing that to me, I
think it goes back to like childhood, like there was
(24:04):
never like real affection or emotion or things like that.
So to me, like I find those people that you did,
you worked on, fixed on and cured, and I think
I'm a solution and I'm not. I'm not the solution.
And it's too much work.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
I had a friend, Aaron, who was with a guy
that treated her awfully, and she was with him for
a while, and then when she found a new relationship
after that one that really hurt her, she found this
amazing guy lovely treated her well and it was a
really healthy relationship in the beginning. And her mom asked
(24:39):
her one day, you know, how's it going, and she said,
it's so weird, mom, he's so nice to me, and
her mom her mom looked at her and said, that's
how it's supposed to be. And so, Aaron, what I
want to say to you is that other behavior that
deep down you might really need, that safety, that person
(25:01):
who really sees you, that person who really shows up
for you, that person who's consistent. That might present as
really unfamiliar when you first get it from someone. And
when something's that unfamiliar, it's a bit uncomfortable. It's weird.
It can even be boring, airing. It can feel kind
of boring, like this isn't the chaos I'm used to.
(25:23):
But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's
not what I'm used to. And it might take me
a little bit to acclimatize to something that's more healthy,
especially if I've never had it.
Speaker 6 (25:35):
I want boring in my life.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Boring is actually exciting sometimes, like my dad, doing nothing
is doing something. And so if I if I can
have just relax night with you with no arguing, I'm
totally fine with it. Totally fine with it. A quick
question from Frog and we've got to take a break.
What's up? Frog?
Speaker 7 (25:55):
I always say that you I would rather do the
most mundane, boring thing with the most wonderful person that
I enjoy spending time with, been doing the most magical,
wonderful thing with the wrong person, because it ruins that
experience because it's with the wrong person that's so good.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
And I would say, you guys have my heart through
the roof. It's why we have to be really careful
if we look at our dating life with someone early
on and we just keep doing all of these kind
of shiny, exciting things, because those can actually mask how
little connection we have with someone. You know, the person
you can fold laundry with and you're having the best
(26:32):
time because you're just talking and lost in this amazing conversation.
That's that's fantastic. The person you have to keep going
on fancy dates with and it comes back and you're
just like, oh my god, there's so much here. It's like, well,
it might just be that the food at that restaurant
was amazing. It might be that you went to an
amazing show. It might it might not be anything to
do with the connection you're having with that person. It's
(26:53):
the experiences that this is providing.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Aaron, thank you so much for your call. And by
the way, Aaron, she said that that classic thing we
hear all the time, Oh my god, you're hitting home
with me. Now we're hitting home with a lot of
people because what you're experiencing is what all of us experience.
So this is our Okay, Matthew Hussey a little more
in a second, No, I'm done. Elvis ran in the
Morning show this spring. Get Hello Fresh and enjoy easy
(27:19):
recipes delivered to your doorstep. Plus joined today and you'll
get free dessert for life at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
That's one free dessert item per box with an active
subscription at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.
Speaker 8 (27:35):
Whoa guys, no idea? My voice was that annoyingly are used.
Speaker 4 (27:47):
To listening to the station that I found you guys.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
And I got so refreshing love you guys, Elvis Duran
and the Morning Show.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
His book is called love Life or it could be
love life. You could say it either way, because I
get it. I get it. Oh me. It means many things,
love life and love life and love life. People commenting Matthew,
Oh my god, that's such an amazing show, much needed
topic on relationships. Thank you for this conversation. For Matthew,
this is all great, but what about when you're twenty
(28:16):
years into a relationship. Should you still expect to have
great conversations while you're folding laundry? What if you start
to need those amazing restaurants and experiences to generate new conversations.
Does this mean love is no longer enough? Should turn
your microphone on? Yes, sir.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
In any long term relationship, newness is important. So I
think the balance can shift there where you're like, are
we bringing newness into our relationship?
Speaker 2 (28:41):
I had a third party bring a third person in clause?
Who's with me? Hey? A lot of people have been
commenting about how they feel as if you are digging
up things that they have buried, And I think this
book could be great for all of us who think
we know it all. Love life. Matthew Hussey another call,
(29:05):
then we'll Angela Lane twenty. Hello, Angela, say good morning
to Matthew Hussey.
Speaker 9 (29:11):
Come one to Matthew.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Hey, Angela, what's going on?
Speaker 9 (29:16):
I had a question as far as like dating, having
dated a narcissis, like how what's the best way to
know like dating a narcissis and how to get what's
the best way to break away from them? Because they
can see very kind of I.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Think the truth is it's look. I think one of
the traps we get stuck in, Angela is trying to
diagnose someone when we're not an expert and you don't
need to diagnose someone. What you need to check in
with is your actual experience. Am I happy? Are my
needs getting met? Or am I consistent? Or am I
trying to figure out if this person is a diagnosable narcissist,
(29:53):
which is what you're doing? And if that's the case,
you have to say, how did I get here? What's
going on there? Even asking these questions? And how long
has it been going on for? How many times have
I cried? How many times have I tried to change
it and nothing has changed. And then what you have
to do is go into a place of acceptance that
this person, if they haven't changed so far, why would
(30:14):
I think they're going to change now? And if I
have to leave, the hardest thing to do is to
be the one who lights the fuse that blows up
your own life. That is really, really hard, But you
have to accept that if you stay, you'll never be happy,
and if you leave, there will be an initial mess.
There will be especially if this is a difficult person,
they're probably not going to make your life easy. Instead
(30:37):
of hoping that won't happen except that it might, accept
that it's coming and surrender to the fact that on
the other side of that mess is a far greater
degree of peace and happiness than you have experienced in
a long long time, and that it's worth going through
that mess to get to that.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Injel, enjoy the mess, Angela. Easy for us to say,
but can you imagine actually going Okay, I know that
if I go through this mess, it's gonna be a mess,
but I'm gonna be so much stronger out of that mess.
Then okay, let's get messy, all right, Angela, Thank you
so much before you leave. I want to The last
(31:15):
chapter in your book, Love Life, which is available at
lovelife book dot com, is happy enough. Wow. Those two
words are pretty powerful because a lot of people are like,
you know, I don't know if I've found happiness quite yet.
I don't know what it's. Am I happy? I don't
am I I don't know? And you really kind of
(31:36):
address that in this chapter and it really makes you
makes me kind of calm in a way.
Speaker 4 (31:41):
Yeah, because I think we always talk about I cringe
a little when I hear people say you have to
be happy in whole before you ever meet someone, And
I'm like, how many married people do you know that
we're happy in whole before they met someone? Like, it's
we all come to a relationship with stuff, we all
have baggage, we all have wounds that were still trying
to heal. And by the way, that we have to
(32:01):
stop pathologizing people who feel lonely because they haven't found
someone and feel sad that it hasn't happened yet. Those
are normal feelings to feel. We all have the longing
for love, so instead of aiming for happy, which I
think is intimidating and makes us feel inadequate for not
being able to get there. Happy Enough says, if my
(32:22):
life stayed the way it is today, I'd actually be okay.
Maybe I can even admit that if I found someone,
it would be even better. I can admit that. But
you know what, I'm happy enough to hold. I'm happy
enough to say no to the wrong thing when it
comes along. I'm happy enough that when the right thing
comes along, I don't change and act like someone who
(32:44):
can't lose it, because I'll die if I lose this
person that's so right for me. Happy enough is a superpower.
It is not settling. It is this strong foundation from
which to take risks, show your magic again, and actually
get out there. You can take big risks when you
know you can go home to yourself and still be okay.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I love that. I love that. That was something every
one of us needed to hear. You know, everyone smile, Matthew.
You do say something that's good and right every once
in a while, that that pearl of wisdom will roll
out of your oyster. It's fabulous. You know. We love you.
We love you, love life. He's laughing, love lovelifebook dot com.
(33:32):
Of course, it's love Life, Matthew Hussey, thank you for
coming in to me, Thank you for having me. Ah,
it's the weekend.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
Hey, this is Miley Cyrus your office A black Eyed Peace.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Hey, this is Selina Gomes with Elvis Duran in the
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