Matthew Hussey

The full interview with relationship expert, Matthew Hussey. From love questions to concerns, we covered it ALL!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Matthew Hussy on the show in a while. I saw
him walk down the hall lest you get him in here. Oh,
there he is, Hi, Matthew. That was a fast walk
down the hall. Welcome back to the show. It's so
nice to be back again. It's been literally years. It
really has. I mean, the pandemic kind of effed everything up,

(00:20):
didn't it? It? Really? Did it? Really? Did you? Did
you ever get COVID twice? I think you want it again.
The first time was fine, the second time was bad.
So I coughed so hard I broke a rib. I
kid you not. Oh my god, I know it's true.
It's a real thing. I'm so glad you're here. We
can talk about disease. Yeah, let's get into that again. Congratulations.

(00:41):
I hear that you are getting married. I am in October. Yeah.
Did she know this? She knows, she knows as of
January last year. I think I proposed. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah,
it's been it's been kind of a trippy experience for me.
I bet it it would be here. Here's my question.
I'm sure a lot of people are thinking this. We've

(01:03):
always had you on our show as a person who
helps us maneuver through and around relationships, but when you're
who helps you because relationships, they're not easy for anyone.
Relationships are a lot of work. Are you actually learning
more material for your yes, for your speeches? I mean
by being in a real life with a wonderful person.
I think I feel like the stuff I've been talking

(01:27):
about for a long time has been like a really
great pair of shoes that were too big for me
for a long time, and they, you know, they were
still a great pair of shoes. Everything I said was
true and I believed in it wholeheartedly. But I'm still
a person who's going through phases of life, and so
I think that I've grown into a lot of the

(01:49):
things that I've been saying for a long time. Do
you now now that you're in finally in a great
relationship with someone who's really wonderful do you sort of
go do you rethink some things that you thought were
true earlier and you're like, God, that was a bunch
of bs. I mean, really, you're learning. You're learning through
being in a real relationship. That's a good question, you know.

(02:11):
I think one of the one of the big things
that I continued to learn in every area of my
life is that if you live for the spikes in life,
you're you're in trouble, you know, if you if you're
always waiting for the next rush of some kind, and
if you're living for that, whether it's with food or

(02:35):
alcohol or porn, pawns saying for a friend, relationships, you know,
fun kind of exciting, wild like that, those encounters like
it's you're living for this, like you're living to be
at a level eleven, but then we all know you
dropped down to like a four and then you kind

(02:56):
of are waiting for that next fix. And I think
that's true of everything in life. And I've for me,
what's beautiful about the relationship. I mean, it's a passionate relationship,
it's exciting, but it's it's not about the spikes anymore.
It's about a level of peace that I'm so grateful
for in my life because I've been in relationships where
I didn't have peace, where I was anxious all the time,

(03:19):
where I was miserable, but saying I was happy and
it just was it was hell. Now does she ever
say to you, yeah, this is a bunch of bollocks, Matthew.
We did not put anything's coming out of your mouth,
forget it? Does she you know, does she ever say
that when I'm giving advice? Yeah, I'll go ahead. Yes,

(03:41):
I love that we can talk about her. Is that
she's not here? Right? Hey? But wait a minute, getting
back to the Spikes thing. This is a conversation we
had on our show several weeks ago. Yes, And you know,
science is telling us more and more and more that
as we reach for these levels of pleasure, we're really
kind of screwing ourselves a little bit. Yeah, we're killing
our dopamine because everything is so instant and we can
get gratified immediately, whether it's likes online or watching a

(04:05):
TV show from start to finish that you love. We've
really started to fry these dopamine receptors. And that applies
to everything in your life, including a relationship. It's so
so true, and I've I look at the areas of
my life where that's true these days, and I try to, like,
I delete Instagram when I'm not using it. This is
where you dropped to all of us. We nearly go

(04:29):
through five minutes. We'll get to that in a minute.
But no, no, you're right. For you. Instagram is like
it's like instant, you know, scrolling and seeing things like food,
porn and whatever. You you know, I'm sure you followed
some nasty nasty. I just realized I never came away
from Instagram feeling better. I always came away feeling less.

(04:52):
You know what, that's a that's interesting. See I only
look at puppies in Italian food and guys with their
shirts on sure, squirrel, squirrel even but even the stuff
like that, that's just I find myself looking at and going, well,
this is all innocent. I still it just is like this,
I've realized I've been hijacked, and I'm an hour later,

(05:14):
I'm like, what am I doing? Where am I right now? True?
And at that point I just realize that I have
no control over this, and so I just I delete it.
And every time I need to post something, I re
upload it, post and then delete it again. Yeah. Yeah,
you have a little game in your head. Yeah. I
can't do it. I can't trust myself with it. Congratulations,
you look you look happier than I've ever seen you.

(05:35):
Just saying thank you. I really feel that, I really
feel that I can tell let's make out. Now is
the time. It's really great for me. She is. Audrey
has no context for you. Her name is Audrey. I
was trying to you, can I she was terrified that
you were going to bring her on, and you still might.
I mean, I would never do that, but she she

(05:58):
has no context for you whatsoever other than me saying
how much I love you. So it's really fun to
watch her facial expressions as she realizes in real time
who you are. Well, I'm so honored that you you
trusted us to beautiful Aubrey, and I would trust I'm shocked.
I'm shocked that you would have the audacity to expose

(06:21):
her to something so awful to us. Hey, by the way, Matthew,
I know people love to talk to you and ask
you questions about what they're going through in life and
maybe see what your take is. Uh. Feel free to
call eight hundred two four two zero one hundred and
by the way, a free ninety minute live training called
Dating with Results on February fifteenth for people who want

(06:42):
to find love in twenty twenty three but are sick
and tired of dating. Dating is a whole new world, now,
isn't it. Yeah. If you want to register for free,
go to Dating with Results dot com I'll give you
that address again in a little while. No, why a
ninety minute live training session called dating with a Result?
Why what what are you seeing out there that requires

(07:02):
you to do this? I'm seeing and I've seen this
for years, but it hasn't gotten any better. Is people
who really want one thing, they really want a relationship,
They want to be intentional about their love life. They
want to meet someone amazing and build with that person,
and then they do the exact opposite things like that

(07:23):
will get them that. I mean, look, let me give
you an example. I will you joked about Audrey kind
of saying I like laughing at the advice. The truth is,
she doesn't laugh at the advice, but she contributes to
it with the things that she has done in the
time that we've known each other. And one of the
reasons that me and Audrey ended up together is because

(07:44):
she didn't do those things like, for example, when in
early in our relationship, I was I was kind of
the mess, not her. I was the one who I've
We met in London, I flew back to la we'd
had this amazing thing for a few weeks. We then
met in New York and that was wonderful for a
few days. I then went back to LA and I

(08:05):
did the classic thing of I wasn't being intentional about it.
I wasn't trying to take it somewhere and make it
work as a relationship. I was like, I don't want
to do the long distance thing. But I didn't stop
reaching out to her. I would kind of casual. I
would reach out every few days, increasingly with longer periods
of time in between those texts, and say something inane

(08:28):
like I miss you or thinking of you. You're bread
crumbing her? Yeah, And she then sent me a message
in response that said I think I said I miss
you one of these times. And she said, I don't
really know what to say when you send me a
message like that. To be honest with you, it hasn't

(08:50):
felt like we've been close for a while now, and
rightly or wrongly, messages like this just come across like
a bid for attention. Yes, I love you for that, Well, okay, fabulous,
and well, no, hold on a second, what happened here?
You're supposed to be here giving us advice. I feel
like we should hug you. I feel like we should

(09:12):
get you drunk or stone or do some blow or
something something to lift you up ecstasy. I fold, like
we should go dancing, like lift up your spirit. No. I.
So it was. It was beautiful because it really put
an end immediately to a pattern that could have persisted,
and often between people does persist for a long time.
So you know, you what you now can do, what

(09:33):
you can now say with license is hey, I see
you are going through this. I was just going through
the same thing, and here's what got me out of it. Yeah.
I think this adds to your credibility because you're a
real person talking about it here. Yeah. Well I'm not.
I haven't helped anyone else except for yourself. No, I

(09:55):
you know, for me, I think that I think people
have most There are some truly bad people, and there
are people that just seem to have it all worked
out and do the right things all the time. And
then there's this huge swath of people in the middle
where we all are, certainly where I was, where you're
sort of swing voter as far as you know good

(10:16):
and bad is concerned. And I think you come across
people who force you to raise your standard by the
standards they have for themselves. That's it. That's it. I
am who I am because of who I am with you?
And what a what a beautiful thing to say about
someone's look you decide? Why are you going to no? I?

(10:37):
So this is a question I think for a lot
of people who are dating. Where is the line between
being very honest and true and intentional with how you
feel versus being a little thirsty and coming off as
desperate by saying and I'm not saying this about you,
but I miss you too soon, even if you mean it.
You know, how do you walk that line anymore? It's
a dance, It's a game, right, it seems like it.
I think you have to be well. I think you

(10:58):
have to be honest with yourself because we all feel
things in early dating that are very intense. But it
doesn't make it a good idea to say those things
because you don't even know if they're real yet, Like
we're all prone to that. I think you know this
term love bombing that's big in dating now, This idea
that someone comes along they lavish you with praise and
attention and all these big grand gestures, and it makes

(11:22):
you fall in love with them really fast because they're
coming on so strong, and it feels good that they're
coming on that strong, but it's also there's something a
little suspect about it, and you have to be careful.
And the reason you have to be careful is love bombing.
Either on the extreme end of the spectrum suggests a
kind of narcissism, but even on the benign end, it's

(11:43):
someone with really poor impulse control, yes, and addictive personality.
I'm sure triggered because that's me. Yeah. Well no, you
know what, can we all just because we're living in
a world full of static in fright and whatever, and
sometimes we jump, we jump the gun, we go too fast,

(12:04):
we say things just to try to like reel them in. Well,
that's exactly right. That's the problem. We're so busy trying
to get something that we don't think about what the
concerts of consequences of that are. And we also forget
that we don't know this person. You just had the
most magical first date in the world, and you think
so much of this person and this could be it.

(12:25):
And you've literally spent two hours with someone you have
no idea who they are. You don't know who they are.
When someone in your family gets sick, you don't know
who they are when you show something that you're shameful
about that you think someone's going to reject you for
you don't know, like you just don't know. Character can
only be measured as the average of someone's actions over time.

(12:47):
It cannot be gleaned from a couple of hours with
someone beautifully, So can I ask what you roll back
to that text message to Charlie after she said that
I saw, No, I don't. I can't say that there
was anything I said that was as poetic and wonderful
was what she said. I think I sort of sauntered off,
and when I think, did you actually think about it though?
Did you give it thought? Oh? But it stopped. Look,

(13:09):
it didn't make me suddenly go I must have a
relationship with you right now. What it made me do
is realize, oh, I can't do this with this person.
And so I stopped that nonsense like I was immediately
just stopped in my tracks. Good. And I've realized if
I go back to this person, it has to be
with some intent because this will not be tolerated here,

(13:30):
which is exactly what you want. As we take a break,
and we must, we'll be back with your questions, and
we also have a live issue going on in Jacksonville, Florida.
We have to give. I know that the story you
just told is resonating with someone right now, and they're going, hum,
let me rethink how I'm communicating with this person. I
owe it to them, but you owe it to yourself.

(13:52):
You owe it to yourself to have solid intention and
being aware of where are you going with this crazy
conversation you're having not only with them, but in your
own head right and not exactly that and not appropriating
their excuse. I see this a lot, you know, when
you hear someone, you see two people who are dating,

(14:14):
and it could go either way round. But he may
say to her, you know, I'm just in a stage
of my life. I'm just I'm just having fun, just
seeing where it's going. And then when her friends ask her,
how's it going with this guy that you're really excited
about that you're seeing, she goes, you know, we're just
having fun and seeing where it's going and just seeing
and it's like, oh, he's en triloquising her right now,

(14:35):
Like this is not her. She wouldn't say something like
this normally, but she's appropriated his excuse because it's easier
than feeling rejected that someone doesn't want the same things
as you want. Right Meanwhile, she's got a pinter sport
of their wedding. By the way, the word of the
day has been triloquising. I've got to take a break.

(14:57):
Calls on the way more with Matthew and you if
you want to call eight hundred two four two zero
one hundred, text if you wish at fifty five one hundred.
The whole show really is on a slippery slur now,
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(15:43):
chaste faith. They all want the naked mister thing that
what's running throughty spaces make way for a car. In
the Morning Show Here with Matthew Hussey, Olivia You've been
in a relationship for seven months and you ask us
this question, is it too early to tell my boyfriend
and that I love him? That's a hard one to
answer because we don't know what you guys have been through. Olivia,

(16:04):
how are you? By the way, you're feeling good? Hi?
Oh my god, I feel if I'm going to pass out.
I have to pull over on the side of the road. Please, no,
you drive eighty miles an hour and pass out. That's
what I do. Hey. I say hi to Matthew and
say hi to Olivia. Hello, Hi, Olivia, Hi, Hi? Are
you good? Good? I'm excited to talk to you. So

(16:26):
I've been dating my boyfriend for about seven months now.
He's like super slow with the whole process. It took
him like a while for him to be like, Okay,
you're my girlfriend, which is like really silly, But I
guess it's kind of what you were talking about before.
Where's that line where you kind of like scared them
off a little bit? When is it too early to

(16:46):
tell somebody that you love them? I think you almost
have to start with what you want, Olivia, Like what
part of your what stage of your life are you in?
What are you looking for right now, what do you
want to build? I mean a relationship where I have
a partner and you know, we're living together and taking

(17:08):
all those next steps. I'm not looking for something casual
which he knows and can I ask how old are you?
Twenty eight? So you want to start building something with someone,
That's an important thing to for you to recognize straight away,
because that's there's therefore a culture that you want to create.
And most of us go into our lives if we're

(17:32):
not careful, if we haven't decided the culture we want
for our lives, we just end up becoming part of
the culture of whatever it is we come into contact with.
A Mitch Album said, if you don't that so many
people don't like the dating culture out there right now.
There's a wonderful Mitch Album line which is, if you
don't like the culture, you have to be brave enough
to create your own. And so you're kind of it's

(17:54):
almost like you're you're worried about the culture that he's
bringing to the relationship, which is one of I'm I
don't want to say we're in a relationship. I'm not
someone who jumps into saying I love you. And you're
not worried enough about your own culture, which is I'm
actually looking to build something here. So I think you
can say to this person, I look, I'm having an

(18:16):
amazing time with you. I love that we're in a relationship.
I want to feel like we are moving forward and
there's a progression here. It doesn't have to be all
at once, but I want to feel like there's a progression.
And I'm the kind of person that if I feel strongly,
I want to say it, and there's you know, I
want to tell you I love you, but I'm also
feeling resistance from you on your side. Are you in

(18:37):
a position where you feel comfortable saying that. That is
a very good point, But what's stopping stopping you from
saying that, Olivia, That's what I'm curious about. I guess
it's just scaling him away and having him pull back,
because that right there, that's the issue that fear seven

(19:00):
months in, which is not a short amount of time.
It's I'm not saying you have to be getting married
right now, but it's not a short amount of time
to know that you really feel that way about each other.
So at that point you have to be more worried
about what your north star is than scaring off the
wrong person, because the wrong person, by definition, is someone

(19:21):
who doesn't have the same vision as you do. You
understand that you can't someone can't have a different vision
from you and be the right person. We have this
misconception in life that if I really like someone, they're
the right person. That's not true. You have to someone
who's right is someone who actually shares your vision for
what they want. They can't. That's why whenever someone says

(19:44):
someone got someone dumped me, someone broke my heart, but
they're the love of my life, they're not. You may
feel you're in love with them, but you can't be
in love at someone, and if they've decided they don't
want you, then they're not the love of your life.
If they just feel like that, you couldn't be disappointed
they weren't the one, but you can't grieve as if

(20:05):
they were the one. Does that make sense, Olivia, You've
gotta be less worried about scaring this person off and
more worried about what you actually want. What's the culture
I want? I want to relate. I'm Olivia, and I
want a relationship where I can actually express myself. I
want a relationship where I can actually say things that
I say. I love you because I'm an affectionate person,
because that's what I like. I want a relationship or

(20:26):
I can walk down the street holding hands with you.
Because I'm a tactile person. I'm not going to continue
to try to please someone all the time and pander
to their culture if their culture makes them incompatible with me.
Preach yes. And I think it's important too. You know
you always say not you, but in general, people say,
don't get into a relationship with the intention to change somebody,

(20:48):
and also don't change yourself too much to try and
cater to a person who doesn't like you for who
you are. Olivia, you know you call it wondering how
to deal with this guy? Now, it's all about how
you deal with you. Is that exactly what you think
you should have? I could, I'll be honest. There's a
lot of people, including myself, we should all be listening
to this advice. It's very good advice. What do you think? Yeah,
I think I think all of that is completely true.

(21:09):
But I think the problem is is that I know
that feels the same way I can feel it. He
just doesn't say it because he's not that he doesn't
express his feelings verbally the way that I do. So
it's not even so much that I'm trying to change him,
because I know that we're on the same page, and
I feel that we're on the same page. I just
I guess it's like I don't want to say it first.
How long is that? How long are you gonna be

(21:31):
okay with that? I don't know. Can you look at
the calendar and tell me what date later this year?
Are you going to say? Well? No, you know, I
don't know. But you know, I think that the advice
that in the conversation you just had with Matthew or
from him is actually very it's really great advice, and
we want all the great things for you, Olivia. Now

(21:53):
you have to get off the phone and go figure
it out for yourself. This is when the scary part
start starts. Right now. Ready, you can do it. You
deserve you deserve it. Always remember that. Okay, yes, thank
you so much. I think I'm just gonna say it,
thank you, thank you, Olivia. You good for you. By
the way, and something I noticed about Matthew, you don't
bite your nails anymore. Why did you have to throw

(22:16):
in any moore to say you used to bite your nails,
but now they're not manicured. Maybe it's because I'm happier.
Maybe the anxiety is left. You figured out there's really
not a lot of nutritional value and fingernails. Hey, Froggy,
where's Lisa? Where's Lisa? I think she's at the appointment
that caused said disagreement. Okay, what do you mean? Okay,

(22:40):
what happened? I don't think Matthew should be helping a
relationship when only one of you is here, you know,
you know what, because actually I'm asking for helping this case.
I'm not blaming Lisa. Okay, go, So what happened is
yesterday Lisa told me she had a busy day today
and she did go down to Lissa things she had
to do, and one of them was go to the
doctor this morning. That's all I heard she was going

(23:00):
to the doctor this morning. So when she woke up,
I just said, hey, I know you have a lot
going on today and you get to go to the doctor.
You got this year that and she goes, what am
I going to the doctor? Four? And I didn't know.
I had no idea. She didn't tell me, but I
don't know, and so she's like, it bothers me when
I tell you all the things I have to do
that you only take bits and pieces, And she's very right,

(23:21):
I do. I only I took doctor zoom call and
she had to take one of our dogs somewhere. I'm
not listening for the details. How can I change that
to where I hear more of what she's saying in
process it not just take the bits and pieces. Such
a good question. And it's funny because I'm literally looking
at Audrey, who's giving me a look right now as

(23:43):
if to say, that's exactly you. It is. It's a
lot of us, it's for sure. I think the things
it brings to mind for me, when is she saying
all of these things to you? Because I think when
someone says those things to us and we're kind of
in the middle of something, it we're not tuned into it.
We're then multitasking and we're not hearing everything that they're saying,

(24:07):
so we're not intentional about listening, and they've kind of
chosen a random moment to dump all of this information
on us. And then it's frustration that if you. You know,
it's almost that the messages, if you love me more,
you would hear everything that I'm saying. But I think
a big part of it is almost like a strategy thing.
It's how can firstly, how can I show you that

(24:29):
my not hearing everything you said has nothing to do
with how much I love you? Right? We are different
in that respect, like we are You're detail oriented in
this way and I'm not. This is like there's a
lot of information there, and my brain captures the important
parts or what it thinks is important, and doesn't remember
the rest. So I think decoupling the not hearing everything

(24:52):
from being about love is important. But I think then
on the other side, it's what I try to do,
and I'm not This is not me preaching because I'm
no expert here, and Audrey will tell you that. But
what I try to do is say to Audrey, like,
if you if I'm in the middle of an email
or something and you start telling me things, I'm absolutely

(25:12):
not going to hear what you have to say, well, faithful, hateful.
But what I would say is if I'll almost be
more intentional about it and be like, Okay, I'm going
to stop what I'm doing right now and listen to everything,
but I'll also communicate to her, you know, if I'm

(25:34):
in the middle of something like, I need to be
able to just focus on this and then I'll sit
and give you my full attention. So I try and
just demarcate these things a little more. When I got
out of that, I wasn't listening. When I got out
of that was truly it's foundation at its core, it's
you know, I love you, but I don't always hear

(25:54):
everything you say. But I'm not saying it's not important.
It is important. Now what is it you want me
to know and start over? I think you're okay. She
you know she puts up with a lot with you. Yeah. No, no,
as you do with her. No, no, no, yes, you all?
What'd you say? Twenty one? Where is this right here? Hello? Tracy? Hi,

(26:16):
Hello lady, Hello lady. Last time Matthew was here, he
gave advice on ending a relationship and you did. Are
you saying this is some of the best advice you
ever received from Matthew Hussey? Is this true? Absolutely? Yes?
It was definitely before before pandemic? Is what you said?
Talk about? Hello? Yeah, your phone is messed up. Okay,
go ahead, hello, I don't want that to happen. Sorry. Um.

(26:40):
So it was before the pandemic and the caller called
in and they were pretty much ignoring the red flags
the whole time, and then just the way that Matthew
described it, it it was just another way where I was
ignoring the red flags and my relationships and legit, that
night I broke it up with my boyfriend and it
was the best advice. Yeah, there was sad, sad moments,

(27:02):
but it was it was great. I don't know, I
don't know how to explain it, Matthews, breaking up relationships.
Look at you breaking up relationships. Happy when that happens,
as I am when someone finds love as a result
of what I do, because that's it can be genuinely
life saving. When someone leaves the wrong relationship, you've got
your time back, and that's the thing you can never

(27:23):
get back. So the Tracy, what was the red flag
that you could have ignored but at that point stopped ignoring. Well,
we were both you could. I could tell he was
unhappy and that was making me sad and unhappy. But
we I don't know, I just didn't want to like
lose that connection. So that's where I just kept ignoring
that he wasn't truly happy. And then finally I was like,

(27:45):
you know what, you want to leave Wisconsin. Sorry it's
a fun stay, but it's not fun for some people. Um.
And I was like, you can leave, this is really
what you want. And he thought about it and was like,
you know what, I'm I'm moving and I just don't
want to live here anymore. And that's where we ended relationship.
And that's how it ended. And we were together for
five years. So what a great moment that was for

(28:06):
you and for him, And let's be honest, good for you, Tracy.
So where are you now? Thank you? And Wisconsin of course,
But but other than that, where are you? As for
as relationships go or does it matter? I am in
a new relationship. We've been together for to a little
over two years, and um, it's a long distance relationship
where he's failing over the border, but I'm soil with

(28:28):
Saxon and we see each other in person one or
two times a week depending on our kids schedule, but
otherwise we talk every day and FaceTime. We make it
work and we're both actually really happy. Good for you.
By the way, Wisconsin is called and their new state
motto is Wisconsin fun for some people. Tracy, It's an

(28:48):
honor to speak with you and thank you. Thank you
for doing the reach around with thank you. All right, thanks?
What have you on the phone. I'll be in New
York in April. Any fun restaurants to go to. I'm
trying to like no, no, no New York our city
motto of New York where there are really no fun restaurants.
Carmines is great. Go to Carmines. Promised me you will, okay, okay,

(29:12):
all right, Tracy, It's an honor to talk to you.
There you go, by the way. Uh. February fifteenth, the
day after Valentine's Day, What an appropriate day for Matthew
to do this live training called Dating with Results Finding
Love in twenty twenty three, the day after Valentine's Day.
People will be crying at your Matthew it. Yeah, but

(29:32):
it's free, did you It's true? It's complimentary. The word
free is cheap and tawdry. If you go to Dating
with the Results dot com, that's Dating with Results dot Com.
Sign it up and you can get ninety minutes of
this big honk of man right here, Matthew Hussey, one

(29:52):
more call and then all our lives. Hello, Jen, alright,
good morning, welcome to the show. You're you're in the
hot seat. Only ten and a half million people listening,
So let's get to it. Uh, Jen, I don't know
why I said that. Jen's currently in a relationship high However,
early on in the relationship, your partner was deceitful, disrespectful

(30:13):
and inappropriate, and he was quite a turd. Uh. But
you went to counseling, but things don't seem to be improving.
This is how many years in, We're about two and
a half years in, quite a long time. You don't
trust him, I don't. I don't know. I'm going to
say genuinely. No, Um, we don't need Matthew for this. Yeah, yeah,

(30:40):
well no, but something's keeping you in and that's what
you need to kind of uncover. What do you think, Matthew, Well, Jen,
if you're honest with yourself objectively, have the things that
bothered you at that time, the traits that you saw
in him that you didn't like, that were disrespectful, deceitful,
has that genuinely changed or was there just a kind

(31:03):
of he was well behaved for a bit and now
you're starting to see some of those things re emerging.
Has there been a permanent change in the relationship. Yes,
it'll be good for a while, and then it was
that's a problem. That's the problem. Yeah, because you're after
you've been betrayed. The thing that has to change is

(31:26):
the traits and the bat You have to really believe
that someone has had a shift in the way that
they think and behave in the relationship, and that has
to be something that is a permanent one. If you
see it oscillating and you're like, well this he keeps
going back to the same traits, then he hasn't He's
only changed to get his needs met. He hasn't changed

(31:47):
because he genuinely believes in the changes he's making. You
can't if he's just changing that stuff to please you
instead of realizing, oh, I don't like the person I
was then, and I'm genuinely going to do the work
to change those things. Whether it's with a therapist, a coach,
or by myself. I'm going to do that work, which,
by the way, is really really hard work to do changes.

(32:08):
So there's a great quote by Jacob Ambroud that's consider
how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll realize
how foolish it is to think you can change somebody else.
Even everyone woke up on January first, I would say
ninety percent of people woke up thinking I want to
change something about my body. I want to go to
a gym or train or do something. And those are

(32:31):
people who are really motivated to do it. What percentage
of those ninety percent are still doing it now in
February very few? And those are people who want to change.
So when you now take a guy who's deceitful or inappropriate,
if he hasn't fundamentally decided he wants to change, then

(32:53):
he's never going to change. It won't be because you
want him to. If he changes periodically, it's because he's
not getting his needs met in the moments where you
don't trust him, and he knows. By temporarily making you
trust him again, he's getting his needs met again. And
then when you quiet down, so the changes he made
revert back to his default. So this is no longer

(33:13):
about him. This is about Jen. Yeah, this is about
you now. Once her guard's not up anymore, he reverts
right back to his own ways, does that bother you
to hear that? In my opinion anyway? And I'm by
no means my professional. It's all about you, now, Do
you do realize that? Right? Yeah? Absolutely, And that makes
a lot of sense because I think I was really trying,

(33:35):
you know, I tried for a while, and like I said,
we did go to therapy and the therapist actually terminated
the sessions herself because she said, this is not going anywhere.
So even yeah, even that spoke volumes. But no, I
appreciate you, you know, walking me through that, and it's
good to hear it from someone else's perspective. Yeah, I

(33:58):
think you. I think you already know the answer. And
when someone you're paying to help you stops wanting your money,
that's a fairly sure sign that they have decided there's
something really wrong about that situation. Hey, you know what
I want you to think about as we roll on
is I want you to look yourself in the mirror

(34:19):
and starts smiling and thinking about that moment that you're
going to be totally free from this and you're free
to fly anywhere you want, hang out with anyone you want,
make any decisions you want to make. You don't have
to worry about someone else. It's all about you. And
then when you can get to that place, then you're
free to go find that find remarkable love that's so true,
and Jen, that the feeling I want you to remember

(34:40):
if and when this ends, I want you to that.
I want you to connect to the piece you're going
to feel, because you're going to feel heartbroken on some
level and you're going to grieve the relationship. But what
you will have in your life that you'll initially won't
connect with because you'll be too much in pain, is
that Actually, what you've got now is a real state

(35:00):
of peace because you're no longer waking up every day
with that anxiety or that fear that the other shoe
is about to drop. And when you connect to how
good that piece feels, that's a beautiful place to be. Jen,
thanks for your call. Best of luck to you, and
thanks for listening to us. Thank you so much. I
love you, guys. Thank you, thank you, No, thank you
for calling God. I wish I had that. I'm gonna

(35:22):
go him and divorce Alex. I'm excited about that moment.
I'm free. You've talked me into leaving my marriage. You're
the best. Oh boy, I just hope if I haven't
talked Audrey into leaving, I'm sure once Audrey met her,
she's pretty much done with you. Hey, um, it's so

(35:45):
great to see you again. I'll leave it at that.
A free ninety minute live training with dating. It's called
Dating with Results. It's February fifteenth, the day after Valentine's Day.
Finding love is a very very interesting, interesting challenge. If
you're sick and heart of dating, maybe you need a
perspective from someone like our friend Matthew Hussey. You can

(36:06):
register now for free at Dating with Results dot com.
It's so good to see you're my friend. Thank you
for having me. It's genuinely beautiful to see all of you.
There you go. I think I may go on the
back and play with myself in her hands. Matthew Hussey.

(36:27):
Just do a search. You'll learn much more about him.
We got to take the break back after this. Hey,
it's Nicki Minaj. This is Rihanna. Hey, this is Lady Gaga.
You're listening to Elvis Duran and The Morning Show.