September 19, 2025 • 12 mins
On this episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses how to deal with a constantly complaining friend. It’s safe to say many of us have some people in our lives who never run out of things to complain about. Over time, this can negatively impact and affect our energy — I call it battery draining. So how do we set healthy boundaries without causing a rift in the friendship? For anyone looking for a little help in navigating those chronic complainers, this episode is for you
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. Today's topic is how
to handle a friend who complains constantly. Okay, this is
an interesting one to dive into. Now. Listen, life is hard.
We all know that, and we all have stuff that
comes up and that we complain about. And that's what
friends are for. We vent to our friends. I mean,
(00:24):
that's not all friends are for, but we are supposed
to vent to our friends about what is going on
in our life and what's upsetting us or bothering us
or pissing us off. That is part of friendship and
it is crucial that we have people we can lean
on and can communicate with and talk about these things.
It's just there's a fine line between venting and sharing
(00:46):
those thoughts with a friend and being someone who complains
every single time you have a conversation with them. It's draining, man,
Complaining is draining. It drains your battery, the energy right
out of you. It's heavy, it's hard. It's being around
a deadie downer, and that can be a very difficult
(01:09):
person to want to have in your life consistently. And
it's sad sometimes because there are friends that I have
had over the course of my life who have turned
into that and who have become super negative and always
complaining about something where every time you talk to them,
you actually feel worse than you felt before talking to them,
(01:29):
and it puts you in a weird mood and the
energy just latches onto you and you feel heavy and
annoyed and grumpy and pissed off and it's just not healthy.
So again, there's a time to vent, and friendship needs venting.
I mean, that's what you do. You need to support
and lean on the people that you love and that
you're close to. But there's a very very very very
specific difference between someone who does that all the time,
(01:51):
and then usually it turns out that that person stops
asking you any questions about you because it's all about
how much everything sucks in their life, and that's not
fun to be around. There are conversations I've had with
people over the years where I've turned on my speakerphone
and just let them talk, and literally fifteen minutes later,
(02:11):
I still haven't said a word because they are going
on and on and on, and it's like, wait a minute,
do you not give a shit about anything going on
in my life? Because this is not a two way conversation,
and it's okay when that conversation happens once in a while,
but when it's every single time you talk, it gets
tiring and it gets old, and it gets difficult to
(02:33):
want to be around that person, which is sad because
you have memories and friendship and you don't want to
be someone that's like, I can't deal with you anymore.
I don't want to be in your orbit, or I'm
not going to go out of my way and make
plans with you. But inevitably it can happen. It can
happen unless you have some honest conversations and some realizations
of your own. So here are things that have helped
(02:54):
me in dealing with somebody who is a constant complainer
that and maybe can change the course of your friendship
with them to salvage it or to make sure that
your friend's okay and kind of can get out of
that headspace because you don't want to see a friend
suffer like that. That is no way to live. To
live in the complaining cycle and the negativity, man, that
(03:17):
is some dark energy to carry around. So Number one,
catch yourself complaining when you're talking to a friend, and
I don't mean again once in a while when you're venting.
But if you're someone that's always complaining about work or
family or other friends or whatever, catch yourself and clock
it and see how much you're actually doing the complaining
(03:39):
in a friendship and in a conversation, because maybe you'll
be surprised. Maybe you don't realize that you're also doing it,
which can be an invitation for your friend to do
it to you. So really be conscious of what you
are complaining about and if it's worth it, or if
it's something out of habit or to fill dead air
or commonsation, Like what is it that you're complaining about,
(04:02):
and are you complaining and is it at a level
that's pretty intense, and maybe just as much as the
person you're annoyed with, clock it because that is something
that is really, really really important in a relationship to know,
even romantically. Just like keep note of that. Number two
is don't feed into the complaining when it's happening with
(04:24):
your friend or with whoever. And what I mean by
that is sometimes they'll be looking for you to agree
or justification or you to carry on the conversation and
not really put an end to it. And if you
do that, that gives permission constantly for this person to
share all their negativity. But if you kind of stop it,
(04:47):
if you're kind of like, you know, I got nothing
to say, then they're not going to necessarily carry on.
That's called the one way conversation. And I'm trusting there
are people the the person on speakerphone who I mentioned
is very much like that, like, I don't need to participate,
and they'll just keep going and going and going. But
sometimes if you are silent or aren't offering much insights
(05:11):
into something, it's a cue for someone to change the conversation,
hopefully if they have some social cues, and they'll be like, Okay,
you know what, this isn't really going anywhere. Maybe there's
something else we can talk about. So I always say
don't participate, because then that will make the conversation go longer,
the complaining go longer. Oh my god, a fifteen minute
complaining session can turn into a thirty minute complaining session.
(05:33):
And who wants that. Oh my god, I'd rather be
anywhere but hearing that over and over and over again.
So you really want to make sure that you don't
get stuck in that cycle. Third, I believe that you
should just do action based activities with this type of person. So, yes,
a phone call is different in your kind of hell
(05:54):
tosage and trapped on the phone, but you don't always
have to answer those calls. By the way, you don't
always have to answer them, So don't feel pressure we
constantly have to answer somebody all the time. I think
these phones create this little facade and this fake, you know,
image of reality that sometimes we have to always be
accessible and a text comes in and we have to
answer right away and we have to pick up that
phone call or call them right back. No, you don't,
(06:15):
life happens, who knows what you're doing. You don't have
to always be overly available. So I think that's something
to remember as well. But when you're in person and
instead of just hanging out or sitting around and hearing
them complaining, go do something fun like, I don't know,
go hike, go to a theme park, go travel, go
rollably through a park, like, just do anything kind of active,
(06:36):
in action based, because that at least can start training,
for lack of a better word, not like a friend's
a puppy, but training them to like see that the
friendship has values outside of just sitting around and complaining,
and maybe that will boost mood and enhance spirit and
get people to really feel better about themselves. So I
always think doing an activity is really fun than just
(06:57):
sitting around and always having to hear and therapye somebody.
I mean, I'm all about being a therapist to friends
when they need it. But again, this is when I
don't want to do it. Is when it's every single day.
That's a totally different thing. That's just not that's not cool.
The other thing that you can do, which is this
number four, I'm losing track, but setting boundaries is so important,
(07:19):
and I think a lot of us feel uncomfortable doing that,
and a lot of us feel uncomfortable being honest with people.
But there's no reason to be that way. If these
are people in your life and they love you and
you love them. Sometimes you just have to say I
love you, but I really don't want to talk about
this anymore, or I love you, but this conversation is
(07:41):
really putting me in a negative space, and I'm just
trying to not go there. Like sometimes you have to
be direct. I encourage you to not be afraid to
share your truth, because what you need matters, and sometimes
we put aside our needs and our wants and our
desires to always appease somebody else. And that's it doesn't
have to always be the case. You can you can
(08:02):
simply say to a person in your life, like I
just I don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm
so sorry. Can we can we move on? You don't
even need to say I'm so sorry, because are you sorry?
I don't know. Maybe you just say, look, I'm not
feeling this, Combot's let's switch it up. Come on, we
don't have a lot of time together. I want to
talk about things that bring us joy and make us
feel happy. It's okay to set those boundaries. It really
really is. And I don't know why it's so hard
(08:24):
in life for us to do that, but it is.
It's really really hard. And lastly, that brings me to
the final point of which I've kind of said, but
just be honest, be honest with somebody. I've definitely fallen
into the trap of not being honest, and then I
get resentful or I get angry, or I start distancing myself.
And you don't have to start distancing yourself, because if
(08:44):
you just have an honest conversation with somebody, maybe that
can be avoided. Like, there are people in my world
in my life who I'm like, oh god like, I
like them and they're so sweet and I like X,
Y and Z. But if we hang out with them,
it's like, ah, I get ready, it's gonna be a big,
big battery drain because there's so much negativity. And I
know you probably have people in your life like that too,
(09:07):
But it doesn't have to be that way. If we
just can have a conversation that's honest with someone, or
in the moment we stop them and I'm guilty. I'm
not perfect. I don't always do that. It's weird. It
can be weird, it can feel awkward, but it doesn't
have to be if you do it right. So some
of the things I talked about today are things I
have done and they've been really successful and great and
(09:27):
I didn't offend a friend and they understood and we're
still super super tight and great friends. And other things
I'm still working on. We're all works in progress. I
never want to come on here and be like I
am a guru that knows everything. Fuck off? Who please?
If that's ever me slap me in my face, because
we're all works in progress. I'm just sharing things that
I've done that have helped me and my insights that
(09:50):
maybe can help you, because it doesn't have to be
that way. It doesn't have to be that way. And
just remember, complaining is such a thief of joy. I
know there's that quote comparison is a thief of joy.
But I also think complaining is I really do we
have such limited time on this planet. I believe that firmly,
we really do. I want to make every day as
(10:10):
great as I can make it. It doesn't mean there's gonna
be There's not going to be a bad day. Of course,
there's going to be a bad day. Look, I just
lost someone so close to me. I have been in
such a weird grief spiral for the last two weeks.
But I'm not letting that defind me day in and
day out. I'm still like getting up and doing things
and going about my day. And do these moments of
grief creep in and I break down, of course, but
(10:31):
then I move on and and we have to be
able to put one foot in front of the other
and enjoy the life that we have because it is
such a gift. Man, life is a gift. And I've
realized that more and more as I'm getting older, And
I don't want to live in a space of negativity
or constant complaining. I really don't. And I do believe
that if you constantly are like that, that's the energy
(10:51):
you're going to attract. Man. I do like, if you're
always complaining about work, it's not going to get better,
it's just not. Instead, use that energy and that time
that you're complaining to go better yourself or work on yourself. Right.
So all this to say is there are ways to
handle a chronic complainer in your life. Do not fall
into the trap yourself or feed into it, and just
(11:12):
have an honest conversation. Man, that's all we can do,
because we got one life to live and we need
to make it damn good. Okay mmmm mmmmm. So go
enjoy your day. Do not complain every single hour, every
single day, And remember my little voice inside your head saying,
don't complain, go enjoy life. Oh my god, is this
(11:34):
an ASMR? Now? Don't complain? Go enjoy life? All right, guys,
I love you, Bike, I've never said this before. Is
hosted by me Tommy Didario. This podcast is executive produced
by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by me, Tommy, with
editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is
part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.
(11:57):
For more rate, review and subscribe to our show and
if you liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,
I'm Tommy Diderio. Mm hmmm
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. Today's topic is how
to handle a friend who complains constantly. Okay, this is
an interesting one to dive into. Now. Listen, life is hard.
We all know that, and we all have stuff that
comes up and that we complain about. And that's what
friends are for. We vent to our friends. I mean,
(00:24):
that's not all friends are for, but we are supposed
to vent to our friends about what is going on
in our life and what's upsetting us or bothering us
or pissing us off. That is part of friendship and
it is crucial that we have people we can lean
on and can communicate with and talk about these things.
It's just there's a fine line between venting and sharing
(00:46):
those thoughts with a friend and being someone who complains
every single time you have a conversation with them. It's draining, man,
Complaining is draining. It drains your battery, the energy right
out of you. It's heavy, it's hard. It's being around
a deadie downer, and that can be a very difficult
(01:09):
person to want to have in your life consistently. And
it's sad sometimes because there are friends that I have
had over the course of my life who have turned
into that and who have become super negative and always
complaining about something where every time you talk to them,
you actually feel worse than you felt before talking to them,
(01:29):
and it puts you in a weird mood and the
energy just latches onto you and you feel heavy and
annoyed and grumpy and pissed off and it's just not healthy.
So again, there's a time to vent, and friendship needs venting.
I mean, that's what you do. You need to support
and lean on the people that you love and that
you're close to. But there's a very very very very
specific difference between someone who does that all the time,
(01:51):
and then usually it turns out that that person stops
asking you any questions about you because it's all about
how much everything sucks in their life, and that's not
fun to be around. There are conversations I've had with
people over the years where I've turned on my speakerphone
and just let them talk, and literally fifteen minutes later,
(02:11):
I still haven't said a word because they are going
on and on and on, and it's like, wait a minute,
do you not give a shit about anything going on
in my life? Because this is not a two way conversation,
and it's okay when that conversation happens once in a while,
but when it's every single time you talk, it gets
tiring and it gets old, and it gets difficult to
(02:33):
want to be around that person, which is sad because
you have memories and friendship and you don't want to
be someone that's like, I can't deal with you anymore.
I don't want to be in your orbit, or I'm
not going to go out of my way and make
plans with you. But inevitably it can happen. It can
happen unless you have some honest conversations and some realizations
of your own. So here are things that have helped
(02:54):
me in dealing with somebody who is a constant complainer
that and maybe can change the course of your friendship
with them to salvage it or to make sure that
your friend's okay and kind of can get out of
that headspace because you don't want to see a friend
suffer like that. That is no way to live. To
live in the complaining cycle and the negativity, man, that
(03:17):
is some dark energy to carry around. So Number one,
catch yourself complaining when you're talking to a friend, and
I don't mean again once in a while when you're venting.
But if you're someone that's always complaining about work or
family or other friends or whatever, catch yourself and clock
it and see how much you're actually doing the complaining
(03:39):
in a friendship and in a conversation, because maybe you'll
be surprised. Maybe you don't realize that you're also doing it,
which can be an invitation for your friend to do
it to you. So really be conscious of what you
are complaining about and if it's worth it, or if
it's something out of habit or to fill dead air
or commonsation, Like what is it that you're complaining about,
(04:02):
and are you complaining and is it at a level
that's pretty intense, and maybe just as much as the
person you're annoyed with, clock it because that is something
that is really, really really important in a relationship to know,
even romantically. Just like keep note of that. Number two
is don't feed into the complaining when it's happening with
(04:24):
your friend or with whoever. And what I mean by
that is sometimes they'll be looking for you to agree
or justification or you to carry on the conversation and
not really put an end to it. And if you
do that, that gives permission constantly for this person to
share all their negativity. But if you kind of stop it,
(04:47):
if you're kind of like, you know, I got nothing
to say, then they're not going to necessarily carry on.
That's called the one way conversation. And I'm trusting there
are people the the person on speakerphone who I mentioned
is very much like that, like, I don't need to participate,
and they'll just keep going and going and going. But
sometimes if you are silent or aren't offering much insights
(05:11):
into something, it's a cue for someone to change the conversation,
hopefully if they have some social cues, and they'll be like, Okay,
you know what, this isn't really going anywhere. Maybe there's
something else we can talk about. So I always say
don't participate, because then that will make the conversation go longer,
the complaining go longer. Oh my god, a fifteen minute
complaining session can turn into a thirty minute complaining session.
(05:33):
And who wants that. Oh my god, I'd rather be
anywhere but hearing that over and over and over again.
So you really want to make sure that you don't
get stuck in that cycle. Third, I believe that you
should just do action based activities with this type of person. So, yes,
a phone call is different in your kind of hell
(05:54):
tosage and trapped on the phone, but you don't always
have to answer those calls. By the way, you don't
always have to answer them, So don't feel pressure we
constantly have to answer somebody all the time. I think
these phones create this little facade and this fake, you know,
image of reality that sometimes we have to always be
accessible and a text comes in and we have to
answer right away and we have to pick up that
phone call or call them right back. No, you don't,
(06:15):
life happens, who knows what you're doing. You don't have
to always be overly available. So I think that's something
to remember as well. But when you're in person and
instead of just hanging out or sitting around and hearing
them complaining, go do something fun like, I don't know,
go hike, go to a theme park, go travel, go
rollably through a park, like, just do anything kind of active,
(06:36):
in action based, because that at least can start training,
for lack of a better word, not like a friend's
a puppy, but training them to like see that the
friendship has values outside of just sitting around and complaining,
and maybe that will boost mood and enhance spirit and
get people to really feel better about themselves. So I
always think doing an activity is really fun than just
(06:57):
sitting around and always having to hear and therapye somebody.
I mean, I'm all about being a therapist to friends
when they need it. But again, this is when I
don't want to do it. Is when it's every single day.
That's a totally different thing. That's just not that's not cool.
The other thing that you can do, which is this
number four, I'm losing track, but setting boundaries is so important,
(07:19):
and I think a lot of us feel uncomfortable doing that,
and a lot of us feel uncomfortable being honest with people.
But there's no reason to be that way. If these
are people in your life and they love you and
you love them. Sometimes you just have to say I
love you, but I really don't want to talk about
this anymore, or I love you, but this conversation is
(07:41):
really putting me in a negative space, and I'm just
trying to not go there. Like sometimes you have to
be direct. I encourage you to not be afraid to
share your truth, because what you need matters, and sometimes
we put aside our needs and our wants and our
desires to always appease somebody else. And that's it doesn't
have to always be the case. You can you can
(08:02):
simply say to a person in your life, like I
just I don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm
so sorry. Can we can we move on? You don't
even need to say I'm so sorry, because are you sorry?
I don't know. Maybe you just say, look, I'm not
feeling this, Combot's let's switch it up. Come on, we
don't have a lot of time together. I want to
talk about things that bring us joy and make us
feel happy. It's okay to set those boundaries. It really
really is. And I don't know why it's so hard
(08:24):
in life for us to do that, but it is.
It's really really hard. And lastly, that brings me to
the final point of which I've kind of said, but
just be honest, be honest with somebody. I've definitely fallen
into the trap of not being honest, and then I
get resentful or I get angry, or I start distancing myself.
And you don't have to start distancing yourself, because if
(08:44):
you just have an honest conversation with somebody, maybe that
can be avoided. Like, there are people in my world
in my life who I'm like, oh god like, I
like them and they're so sweet and I like X,
Y and Z. But if we hang out with them,
it's like, ah, I get ready, it's gonna be a big,
big battery drain because there's so much negativity. And I
know you probably have people in your life like that too,
(09:07):
But it doesn't have to be that way. If we
just can have a conversation that's honest with someone, or
in the moment we stop them and I'm guilty. I'm
not perfect. I don't always do that. It's weird. It
can be weird, it can feel awkward, but it doesn't
have to be if you do it right. So some
of the things I talked about today are things I
have done and they've been really successful and great and
(09:27):
I didn't offend a friend and they understood and we're
still super super tight and great friends. And other things
I'm still working on. We're all works in progress. I
never want to come on here and be like I
am a guru that knows everything. Fuck off? Who please?
If that's ever me slap me in my face, because
we're all works in progress. I'm just sharing things that
I've done that have helped me and my insights that
(09:50):
maybe can help you, because it doesn't have to be
that way. It doesn't have to be that way. And
just remember, complaining is such a thief of joy. I
know there's that quote comparison is a thief of joy.
But I also think complaining is I really do we
have such limited time on this planet. I believe that firmly,
we really do. I want to make every day as
(10:10):
great as I can make it. It doesn't mean there's gonna
be There's not going to be a bad day. Of course,
there's going to be a bad day. Look, I just
lost someone so close to me. I have been in
such a weird grief spiral for the last two weeks.
But I'm not letting that defind me day in and
day out. I'm still like getting up and doing things
and going about my day. And do these moments of
grief creep in and I break down, of course, but
(10:31):
then I move on and and we have to be
able to put one foot in front of the other
and enjoy the life that we have because it is
such a gift. Man, life is a gift. And I've
realized that more and more as I'm getting older, And
I don't want to live in a space of negativity
or constant complaining. I really don't. And I do believe
that if you constantly are like that, that's the energy
(10:51):
you're going to attract. Man. I do like, if you're
always complaining about work, it's not going to get better,
it's just not. Instead, use that energy and that time
that you're complaining to go better yourself or work on yourself. Right.
So all this to say is there are ways to
handle a chronic complainer in your life. Do not fall
into the trap yourself or feed into it, and just
(11:12):
have an honest conversation. Man, that's all we can do,
because we got one life to live and we need
to make it damn good. Okay mmmm mmmmm. So go
enjoy your day. Do not complain every single hour, every
single day, And remember my little voice inside your head saying,
don't complain, go enjoy life. Oh my god, is this
(11:34):
an ASMR? Now? Don't complain? Go enjoy life? All right, guys,
I love you, Bike, I've never said this before. Is
hosted by me Tommy Didario. This podcast is executive produced
by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by me, Tommy, with
editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is
part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.
(11:57):
For more rate, review and subscribe to our show and
if you liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,
I'm Tommy Diderio. Mm hmmm
Elvis Duran and the Morning Show ON DEMAND News
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.