Tommy Talk: SHOULD YOU TELL A FRIEND THEIR PARTNER SUCKS?

On this episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses something many of us have experienced or may be currently experiencing: should you tell a close friend their partner sucks? 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, a new weekly series
that is part of my I've Never Said This Before
podcast where I am talking about things well that I've
never really publicly talked about before. And today's topic is
should you tell a close friend that you don't like
their girlfriend or boyfriend? Oh? Boy, this is my goodness,

(00:24):
this is This is a tough one. This is a
tough one. It's tough because when you love somebody so much,
you want the best for them, You want to protect
them in some ways, you want to save them, right,
and if you see that they're with somebody who maybe
isn't the best partner for them, it's very difficult to
not say something because you love your friend so much, right,

(00:46):
and you always want the best for them. So I
had a friend who was with somebody who, let's just say,
was a little bit unstable. And this person would be
verbally abusive to my friend. Would sometimes get a little physical,
not like not like you know, beating somebody up, but
would maybe throw something or you know, slam doors, just

(01:11):
kind of an intense energy, and would just say really
really horribly mean things to them, like horribly mean things
that stay with you for a really long time, that
even your worst enemy should never say to you like
things that are that bad, right, And this was a
continuation of this treatment over a period of time, so

(01:32):
I would hear about it quite a lot, and I
knew that my friend was so happy to finally have
met somebody, so I kind of bit my tongue quite
a bit. And then there was one blow up fight
where I got a phone call about and I got
asked a question, what do you think because I'm thinking
of proposing, And I saw this as my window in.
I saw this as, oh, man, this is when I

(01:53):
can finally say what I want to say because I'm
being asked, right, So this is great. So I said
what I thought, and what I thought was that this
person is very, very very unstable. Is not making your
life better, is actually making you feel worse about yourself,
is totally crushing your self esteem. This isn't someone I

(02:15):
think you want to spend the rest of your life with,
because if this is happening now, when you're not even married,
just think of what's gonna happen when you're married. It's
not gonna get better. This is not gonna get better.
It's gonna get worse. So don't take that leap with
somebody who's exhibiting these signs. There's plenty of fish in
the sea. I know it sounds easier said than done,
but trust me, there will be someone who comes around

(02:38):
that is great for you, who's gonna lift you up
and make you feel good and not make you feel
so bad all the time. I mean, I really went
into it, like I guess, I kind of unleashed because
I've been holding this in for so long. But I
didn't bash my friend's partner at all, not once. I
was just speaking from fact and speaking from truth and
telling my friend situations that they told me about out

(03:00):
that I kind of clocked in my head that we're
a reminder for how they were being treated. So we
had this whole long conversation. My friend was super receptive.
Was like, yeah, you're right. Oh my god, I don't
want this for my future. And I think you're absolutely right,
and I'm gonna have to make this decision, and I
think I know what I'm going to decide. And then

(03:21):
a couple of days go by and I don't hear
from my friend. I thought, well, that's weird. I hope
everything's okay, but maybe my friend just needs a minute,
or I don't know, needs a little space. I'm also
someone who believes in giving space. I don't want to
be up everyone's you know, butt all the time. I
think you have to allow for space. A couple more
days go by and I don't hear from my friend,
and now I'm like, okay, this is really weird, given

(03:43):
that we had an entire conversation about their partner, and
it was a pretty intense, serious conversation, and now you're
just ghosting me. Well, what is going on? So finally
I shoot a text and I say, hey, just checking in,
want to make sure you're good, you know, sending love
something like that. I got a text back saying, hey, bro,
like all is great, Let's catch up soon, like very

(04:07):
very kind of short and vague, with no reference to
what we talked about. So I thought, okay, I wonder
if he everything's okay or be did a conversation happen?
Was my advice taken? Now I'm questioning if I should
have said anything, because there's weird energy. You feel weird
energy with a friend right away, and I felt it

(04:27):
and I thought, oh shit, I really hope I did
not put my foot in my mouth here. Sure enough,
time goes by another week, barely here from my friend
who typically would text me every single day, and that's
when officially my friend began pulling away and everything changed.

(04:48):
My friend ended up marrying this person. There are still
some of those issues that is that are you know,
that were in the relationship prior to the marriage, and
my friend just pulled away. And we still check in
and talk from time to time. But I don't think
my friend wanted to hear what I had to say,

(05:08):
even though I got asked the question, so should you
tell your friend how you really feel about their partner?
I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no even when
they ask, because they might not be ready to hear
the truth. And that's exactly what happened to me. And
I tend to keep my opinions to myself with that.

(05:28):
With that ordinarily, but I was asked the question, what
was I supposed to do? So the one caveat I
will say is if you see someone in terrible danger.
Terrible danger like if if you honestly see them being abused,
or it's a toxic, you know, situation, or there's drugs
and I'll cull whatever that kind of nine one one
situation is to you. Then I don't care what happens

(05:51):
with that relationship with you and your friend, Like you
have to say something because it's your responsibility. You can't
let somebody be in danger. So that's the caveat right,
that it's the extreme. But ordinarily, if they're just kind
of happy and bopping around and you're friends with someone
you don't love because you think they're kind of X,
Y or Z, I don't think you can say anything
because it will forever change the course of your friendship.

(06:14):
I think usually they will choose to stay with that
person for whatever the reason is. Maybe they want to
prove you wrong, maybe they want to prove themselves wrong.
And then you're left being the bad guy who spoke
ill about who they're with. And it's not good. It
is not a good situation. And like I said, that
friendship has never been the same and we've never talked
about it, and we've never had a conversation of oh, hey,

(06:35):
are you mad that I brought up I don't like
your partner, none of that. It just kind of is
what it is. And I do believe if that was
brought up, it would probably be a denial like, oh no, no,
I asked you, It's all fine, but I think a
part of my friend is not happy knowing that I
so highly disapproved of who they were with. And that's

(06:56):
I guess life, And that was a lesson to me.
I've never made that mistake again. I think you want
to be open and honest in any friendship, and you
should be about everything that you're comfortable being open and
honest about. But there is something with who they are
dating or engaged to or in love with that you
just can't come back from if you're truly honest. That

(07:17):
is my opinion. I'm sure there are different circumstances or
one offs where that's not the case. Again, I'm not
talking about the extremely dangerous or toxic situations, but I
think it's a really difficult position to be put in
and was I asked yes? In retrospect, should I have lied?
Probably probably. I just kept it really light, like, oh,

(07:38):
you know, you, guys will work through whatever you're going through.
I'm here for you. Done, right, done. I guess you
don't need to be a therapist to your friend with
who they're dating when they really don't want you to
go there and think about your relationships. Have you ever
been with anybody who people maybe didn't love that you're

(07:59):
current currently with or you were with. You just don't
want to hear it, And I guess I can understand
that too, because you're hearing it from a lot of people.
It's the same thing over and over. You're in your happiness,
You're in your happy bubble, so you don't want to
hear it. And if somebody starts putting that energy in
your life, I guess I can understand why you would
pull away from them. But to be fair, I was

(08:20):
asked the question, so I wasn't set up for success.
Then I took the little crumb that was given to
me and I should not have, So for everybody listening
out there, I guess I just had it. That was
like a therapy session for me. Do not, in my opinion,
give your opinion of your friend's partner, because they most

(08:44):
likely don't want it. And I learned that lesson the
hard way. So just support them, and if you need
to tell them some advice from time to time in
a delicate way, find ways to do that. But don't
go being guns of blazing like I was, where I
was just brutally honest about everything in one full breath,

(09:07):
because we all know how that worked, oppen. So I
hope this helps you with any friend you have going
through a relationship that you're not thrilled about. What I
will say is usually ends up not working out in
the long run. Not to be negative, but usually it
will work itself out. So you just got to stand
by your friend and if that's an important friendship to you,

(09:28):
support them in the ways that you can unless it's toxic.
I will say that agangst is an important caveat, and
let's just hope that if you are asked a question
like I was, you can answer that a little bit
more delicately. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by
me Tommy Diderio. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew

(09:50):
Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by
Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of
the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,
rate review and subscribe to our show and if you
liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time. I'm
Tommy Diderio.