July 11, 2025 • 13 mins
On this first episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses something many of us have experienced or may be currently experiencing: when it’s time to let go of a friendship.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. This is a new
weekly series that is a part of my I've Never
said this before podcasts where I am talking about things
that I've never really publicly talked about before. Right, I'm
giving you a little glimpse into my brain for once
instead of all the guests that I bring on. And
today's topic is when to let go of a friendship? Now,
(00:24):
this is something that I think is very relatable as
we all continue to get older and older. It's something
I've never really had to experience until lately. To be honest,
there are two friendships in my life that sally are
no longer what they once were, and it's a little
jarring when it happens. It kind of takes you off guard,
(00:46):
especially if you're somebody like me who really prides himself
on fostering relationships and being good to the people in
your life and holding on to those that you really love.
It really kind of rocks your world when it does happen.
But here's the thing, you, guys. If a friendship is
no longer serving you, if it's becoming unhealthy for you,
if the same old things keep happening over and over
(01:10):
and over, again, if you're not getting what you need
out of it, it's time to really really take stock
of who those people are in your life. It's not easy,
it's not always fun, but I think it's really necessary
and important for your own well being and your own
mental health. And there are people in your life who
I'm sure you've been friends with forever, maybe for the
(01:31):
whole duration of your life. I have those people, and
we barely have ever had one problem or one fight
or anything serious at least like stupid stuff when you're kids, right,
But when I think about the serious side of life,
there are people I've never had one single issue with.
And then there are people who I think you would
agree with me on that like to cause issues for
(01:51):
no reason, and that's just not fun. Life is way
too short to deal with the drama. I am not
dinto drama. I think we have enough that life throws
our way, So why in the world are we going
to sit here and welcome unnecessary drama. That's one big
thing for me. That's a huge red flag for me.
If somebody likes to create drama all the time, it
makes your life a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
More stressful or difficult.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Ooh, I don't know, You've got to really consider who
that person is in your life, so when to know
when it's time to let go of a friendship. Like
I said earlier, I have two people, unfortunately in my
life where this happened to and admittedly I don't believe
there was anything on my side that I did to
(02:34):
deserve the treatment that I received. And that's what makes
everything really sad.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
When you have to let go of a friendship.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
It's because when you know you've been there for somebody
and you've been by their side, and you've done nothing
but lift them up and support them and show up
for them over and over and over and over again,
and then you get treated a certain way with zero
remorse or zero awareness that that's not right. It's a problem.
And listen, I'm not somebody who's like you have to
(03:02):
write off everybody, or if anybody wronged you, like cut
them out immediately. I'm talking about patterns. When you see
something that repeatedly happens over and over again, you have
to take stock of that. It's not fair to you.
It really isn't fair to you. And I'm a pretty,
I don't know, easy, low key, undemanding friend. I have
(03:24):
friends that live across the country. You don't need to
text me or call me every day or even every week.
We can pick up where we left off, and I'm
cool with that. Like, I have very very little demands
in a friendship, And I think that's also important to say,
because you have to be realistic with someone, Like if
you're not being realistic with the person you're upset with,
you also have to look at yourself, right, But when
(03:44):
somebody is proving to be I guess the word, and
it's a harsh word. Is selfish repeatedly, that's something that's
not fair to you. Okay, So is there somebody in
your life who you're always there for. You're always asking
how they are, You're always showing up for them, You're
always wrapping them in a big hug because they need
(04:04):
help or support or guidance, but you haven't really received
the same.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, that's something that has happened to me recently. And
here's the thing. We all go through a lot in
our lives, and maybe we don't share everything we go
through with the people that are close to us and
the people that we do love, But that doesn't mean
they shouldn't be checking in and asking one simple thing,
which is how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
How are you right?
Speaker 1 (04:29):
That's kind of the minimum I feel like in a
friendship is just ask me how I'm doing. But then
for me specifically, when I tell you something really personal,
and something personal was that my mom went through breast cancer.
She is fine, she did radiation, she got a lumpek
to me, and she's okay. And I didn't tell a
lot of people that, but a few people I did tell,
(04:52):
and one of the people I told never once followed
up on that, never once asked me how she is,
never once checked in on me, never once said are
you okay? I know this is really scary nothing, And
this is somebody who at the time I considered one
of my greatest friends. So that's an example of a
red flag, and a red flag meaning there's just basic
(05:15):
things you do in a friendship. If you're so close
to somebody to show that you're there for them, that
you need to kind of show up and do right,
and it's disappointing. It's disappointing when things like that don't happen.
So that's I'm not here to air anyone's names or
really dive into what the problem is. But I kind
of want this to be a signal or a sign
(05:37):
for you if you're listening today, that there are certain
things that you need to recognize if a friendship is
no longer serving you, and you can't go on forever
acting like it is, because that's just.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Not healthy for you.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Life is short, I always say, all of us collectively
have such limited time between work and engagements that were
already obliged to and whatever the case may be, that
when we do a free time, we want to spend
it with people that fill our cups. And if you're
not filling that cup, why are you spending time with
that person? So for me, when to know a friendship
(06:08):
has run its course or when you have to let
go of it is a the person has severely changed
and it's not the person that you've known forever, and
the changes aren't necessarily for the good. And when you
bring something up or address it, they don't want to
hear it. That's not good. That's not the person you
fell in love with as a friend, right, And we
all grow and evolve and change, but hopefully it's for
the better, and hopefully it's for the greater good. But
(06:31):
when you're not seeing that happen with somebody, that's a
red flag. And if they don't want to talk about
that or acknowledge that they're not exhibiting behaviors that are
on par with who they are as a human, or
that they are changing in these really weird, maybe darker
negative ways, that's an issue. So that's I think one
of the biggest red flags for me is when somebody
(06:53):
is so severely changing but kind of digressing in their
life and not wanting to address or talk about it right.
Another thing is selfishness. If somebody is not ever checking
in with you, how are you?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
When you tell them something personal like what I just
told you about my mom and you don't follow up
with me at all, that's another red flag because you
can't be in a one way friendship if you're always
there for someone and always showing up and always making
sure that they're supported and lifted, but you don't get
that in return.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
I mean, that's not healthy for you either, because guess what,
there's six other people.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
In your life who will give you that, and that's
who you want to focus on.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
It's not right. One way friendship is not right.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
I'm sure as you're listening, there's somebody in your life
you're like, God, I am always always showing up for
that person, and it's a battery drain, and it's not
it's not right. That's the only way I can say it.
And I think it's hard to sometimes look at yourself
in a mirror and say, wow, I deserve better and
and that isn't cool because you have such a history
with someone, but it's not right. So that's another red flag, right,
(07:56):
the selfishness, the one way nature of a friendship not
cool at all. And I think for me, another super
super big point of contention in friendship sometimes or at
least two that unfortunately are no longer a part of.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
My life, is that.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
The gaslighting can be pretty extreme. And when you try
to have an honest conversation with a friend about something
and then they turn it around and totally gaslight you
and make it seem like whatever you just brought up
is your fault, that's a problem. That's a problem because
friendship should be open and honest. And if you're going
to go to somebody and say, hey, listen, this is
what's going on, let's talk about it, and they flip
(08:36):
the script and make it seem like you're the villain. Well,
that's just not okay either, Right. So, I think that
all of those feelings combined left me feeling very bad
about myself. It made me feel sad. It made me
grieve the loss of a person that I realized was
no longer there anymore. It's easy for me to think
about the tons and tons of memories we had that
(08:59):
were so wonder and oh my gosh, because of those,
Am I really willing to kind of let go of
this friendship and give this person space and move on
in healthy ways for me?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I don't know should I?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
And the answer is yes, because you can't just base
who somebody is today on what you and their past
were was. Like, I know that wasn't eloquent at all,
but you can't kind of erase how you're being treated
based on good times that you've had together if something
is a constant pattern in your life. Right, I'm not
somebody that holds grudges. I don't like to be like, oh,
(09:30):
this is so unforgivable, because I think forgiveness is very important.
But I think forgiveness is important for you, like the
people who I'm referring to aren't necessarily big parts of
my life anymore. But I honestly don't have any ill
will towards them. I hope they go and find what
they want in life. I hope they're happy. I genuinely do,
and I think it's important to wish that on everybody.
But it doesn't mean I need to have you in
(09:50):
my orbit. If you're causing me stress and not making
me feel good about myself, it's just not It's not
fair to me. It's not fair to who I want
to be in the future. It's not fair to any
of it. So you have to look at those warning
signs because it's just not fair to you going forward.
And look, people change. People change. Sometimes the friend that
(10:11):
you had for a few years or decades or two
decades is not the same person anymore, and that's okay.
But you can't keep buring your head in the sand
and acting like everything's okay when it's not. It's sad
when a friendship is lost, Trust me, it's really really sad.
But I kind of think it helps to think of
it as the person is no longer there that you
were once friends with. Right, It's just as simple as that,
(10:32):
and if you're not getting what you need out of
the friendship and you're feeling worse with this person in
your life, what's the point? What's the point? You can't
hold on to something that once was when it's no
longer that anymore. So I just hope everybody kind of
takes into account in their lives when they're going through something,
or if you're going through something right now, it's okay
(10:52):
to make the difficult decision to step back from a friendship.
It really is, as hard as it may be. If
you are struggling with somebody and you realize you're not
getting what you want in life, it's okay. And guess what,
it kind of opens you up to making space for
other people to walk into your life that you never
could have imagined.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You do, treat you how you deserve to be treated.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You never know what the universe, what God, what life
will put in front of you. And I've had people
come into my life later in life that I never
could have imagined stepping into my life and I can't
imagine living without. So when you kind of prioritize yourself
sometimes and make space for who you want and the
energy you need in your life, some of the most
magical friendships and relationships will come. So all of this
(11:35):
is to say on this Tommy Talk is losing a
friendship is hard. It's not an easy decision to make.
But rather than going through years or five years or
ten years of this back and forth ping pong game
of allowing somebody who isn't the most healthy for you
in your life, start taking stock of how you feel
when people treat you a certain way, and if you
(11:57):
see a pattern, if you're not getting what you need,
if you haven't been getting what you need, it's okay
to take a step back. It really really is. And
it doesn't say anything about about who you are. It
just means that you're prioritizing your needs and that's okay.
So here is to surrounding ourselves with people who lift
us up, who make us feel good, and who we
(12:18):
want to continue sharing our lives with. I hope you
enjoyed this Tommy Talk. More to come and keep being
your badass selves. I've never said this before. Is hosted
by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by
Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing
(12:39):
by Joshua Colaudney. I've never said this before is part
of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts for more, rate,
review and subscribe to our show and if you liked
this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy
de Dario
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. This is a new
weekly series that is a part of my I've Never
said this before podcasts where I am talking about things
that I've never really publicly talked about before. Right, I'm
giving you a little glimpse into my brain for once
instead of all the guests that I bring on. And
today's topic is when to let go of a friendship? Now,
(00:24):
this is something that I think is very relatable as
we all continue to get older and older. It's something
I've never really had to experience until lately. To be honest,
there are two friendships in my life that sally are
no longer what they once were, and it's a little
jarring when it happens. It kind of takes you off guard,
(00:46):
especially if you're somebody like me who really prides himself
on fostering relationships and being good to the people in
your life and holding on to those that you really love.
It really kind of rocks your world when it does happen.
But here's the thing, you, guys. If a friendship is
no longer serving you, if it's becoming unhealthy for you,
if the same old things keep happening over and over
(01:10):
and over, again, if you're not getting what you need
out of it, it's time to really really take stock
of who those people are in your life. It's not easy,
it's not always fun, but I think it's really necessary
and important for your own well being and your own
mental health. And there are people in your life who
I'm sure you've been friends with forever, maybe for the
(01:31):
whole duration of your life. I have those people, and
we barely have ever had one problem or one fight
or anything serious at least like stupid stuff when you're kids, right,
But when I think about the serious side of life,
there are people I've never had one single issue with.
And then there are people who I think you would
agree with me on that like to cause issues for
(01:51):
no reason, and that's just not fun. Life is way
too short to deal with the drama. I am not
dinto drama. I think we have enough that life throws
our way, So why in the world are we going
to sit here and welcome unnecessary drama. That's one big
thing for me. That's a huge red flag for me.
If somebody likes to create drama all the time, it
makes your life a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
More stressful or difficult.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Ooh, I don't know, You've got to really consider who
that person is in your life, so when to know
when it's time to let go of a friendship. Like
I said earlier, I have two people, unfortunately in my
life where this happened to and admittedly I don't believe
there was anything on my side that I did to
(02:34):
deserve the treatment that I received. And that's what makes
everything really sad.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
When you have to let go of a friendship.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
It's because when you know you've been there for somebody
and you've been by their side, and you've done nothing
but lift them up and support them and show up
for them over and over and over and over again,
and then you get treated a certain way with zero
remorse or zero awareness that that's not right. It's a problem.
And listen, I'm not somebody who's like you have to
(03:02):
write off everybody, or if anybody wronged you, like cut
them out immediately. I'm talking about patterns. When you see
something that repeatedly happens over and over again, you have
to take stock of that. It's not fair to you.
It really isn't fair to you. And I'm a pretty,
I don't know, easy, low key, undemanding friend. I have
(03:24):
friends that live across the country. You don't need to
text me or call me every day or even every week.
We can pick up where we left off, and I'm
cool with that. Like, I have very very little demands
in a friendship, And I think that's also important to say,
because you have to be realistic with someone, Like if
you're not being realistic with the person you're upset with,
you also have to look at yourself, right, But when
(03:44):
somebody is proving to be I guess the word, and
it's a harsh word. Is selfish repeatedly, that's something that's
not fair to you. Okay, So is there somebody in
your life who you're always there for. You're always asking
how they are, You're always showing up for them, You're
always wrapping them in a big hug because they need
(04:04):
help or support or guidance, but you haven't really received
the same.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, that's something that has happened to me recently. And
here's the thing. We all go through a lot in
our lives, and maybe we don't share everything we go
through with the people that are close to us and
the people that we do love, But that doesn't mean
they shouldn't be checking in and asking one simple thing,
which is how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
How are you right?
Speaker 1 (04:29):
That's kind of the minimum I feel like in a
friendship is just ask me how I'm doing. But then
for me specifically, when I tell you something really personal,
and something personal was that my mom went through breast cancer.
She is fine, she did radiation, she got a lumpek
to me, and she's okay. And I didn't tell a
lot of people that, but a few people I did tell,
(04:52):
and one of the people I told never once followed
up on that, never once asked me how she is,
never once checked in on me, never once said are
you okay? I know this is really scary nothing, And
this is somebody who at the time I considered one
of my greatest friends. So that's an example of a
red flag, and a red flag meaning there's just basic
(05:15):
things you do in a friendship. If you're so close
to somebody to show that you're there for them, that
you need to kind of show up and do right,
and it's disappointing. It's disappointing when things like that don't happen.
So that's I'm not here to air anyone's names or
really dive into what the problem is. But I kind
of want this to be a signal or a sign
(05:37):
for you if you're listening today, that there are certain
things that you need to recognize if a friendship is
no longer serving you, and you can't go on forever
acting like it is, because that's just.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Not healthy for you.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Life is short, I always say, all of us collectively
have such limited time between work and engagements that were
already obliged to and whatever the case may be, that
when we do a free time, we want to spend
it with people that fill our cups. And if you're
not filling that cup, why are you spending time with
that person? So for me, when to know a friendship
(06:08):
has run its course or when you have to let
go of it is a the person has severely changed
and it's not the person that you've known forever, and
the changes aren't necessarily for the good. And when you
bring something up or address it, they don't want to
hear it. That's not good. That's not the person you
fell in love with as a friend, right, And we
all grow and evolve and change, but hopefully it's for
the better, and hopefully it's for the greater good. But
(06:31):
when you're not seeing that happen with somebody, that's a
red flag. And if they don't want to talk about
that or acknowledge that they're not exhibiting behaviors that are
on par with who they are as a human, or
that they are changing in these really weird, maybe darker
negative ways, that's an issue. So that's I think one
of the biggest red flags for me is when somebody
(06:53):
is so severely changing but kind of digressing in their
life and not wanting to address or talk about it right.
Another thing is selfishness. If somebody is not ever checking
in with you, how are you?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
When you tell them something personal like what I just
told you about my mom and you don't follow up
with me at all, that's another red flag because you
can't be in a one way friendship if you're always
there for someone and always showing up and always making
sure that they're supported and lifted, but you don't get
that in return.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
I mean, that's not healthy for you either, because guess what,
there's six other people.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
In your life who will give you that, and that's
who you want to focus on.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
It's not right. One way friendship is not right.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
I'm sure as you're listening, there's somebody in your life
you're like, God, I am always always showing up for
that person, and it's a battery drain, and it's not
it's not right. That's the only way I can say it.
And I think it's hard to sometimes look at yourself
in a mirror and say, wow, I deserve better and
and that isn't cool because you have such a history
with someone, but it's not right. So that's another red flag, right,
(07:56):
the selfishness, the one way nature of a friendship not
cool at all. And I think for me, another super
super big point of contention in friendship sometimes or at
least two that unfortunately are no longer a part of.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
My life, is that.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
The gaslighting can be pretty extreme. And when you try
to have an honest conversation with a friend about something
and then they turn it around and totally gaslight you
and make it seem like whatever you just brought up
is your fault, that's a problem. That's a problem because
friendship should be open and honest. And if you're going
to go to somebody and say, hey, listen, this is
what's going on, let's talk about it, and they flip
(08:36):
the script and make it seem like you're the villain. Well,
that's just not okay either, Right. So, I think that
all of those feelings combined left me feeling very bad
about myself. It made me feel sad. It made me
grieve the loss of a person that I realized was
no longer there anymore. It's easy for me to think
about the tons and tons of memories we had that
(08:59):
were so wonder and oh my gosh, because of those,
Am I really willing to kind of let go of
this friendship and give this person space and move on
in healthy ways for me?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I don't know should I?
Speaker 1 (09:09):
And the answer is yes, because you can't just base
who somebody is today on what you and their past
were was. Like, I know that wasn't eloquent at all,
but you can't kind of erase how you're being treated
based on good times that you've had together if something
is a constant pattern in your life. Right, I'm not
somebody that holds grudges. I don't like to be like, oh,
(09:30):
this is so unforgivable, because I think forgiveness is very important.
But I think forgiveness is important for you, like the
people who I'm referring to aren't necessarily big parts of
my life anymore. But I honestly don't have any ill
will towards them. I hope they go and find what
they want in life. I hope they're happy. I genuinely do,
and I think it's important to wish that on everybody.
But it doesn't mean I need to have you in
(09:50):
my orbit. If you're causing me stress and not making
me feel good about myself, it's just not It's not
fair to me. It's not fair to who I want
to be in the future. It's not fair to any
of it. So you have to look at those warning
signs because it's just not fair to you going forward.
And look, people change. People change. Sometimes the friend that
(10:11):
you had for a few years or decades or two
decades is not the same person anymore, and that's okay.
But you can't keep buring your head in the sand
and acting like everything's okay when it's not. It's sad
when a friendship is lost, Trust me, it's really really sad.
But I kind of think it helps to think of
it as the person is no longer there that you
were once friends with. Right, It's just as simple as that,
(10:32):
and if you're not getting what you need out of
the friendship and you're feeling worse with this person in
your life, what's the point? What's the point? You can't
hold on to something that once was when it's no
longer that anymore. So I just hope everybody kind of
takes into account in their lives when they're going through something,
or if you're going through something right now, it's okay
(10:52):
to make the difficult decision to step back from a friendship.
It really is, as hard as it may be. If
you are struggling with somebody and you realize you're not
getting what you want in life, it's okay. And guess what,
it kind of opens you up to making space for
other people to walk into your life that you never
could have imagined.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
You do, treat you how you deserve to be treated.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
You never know what the universe, what God, what life
will put in front of you. And I've had people
come into my life later in life that I never
could have imagined stepping into my life and I can't
imagine living without. So when you kind of prioritize yourself
sometimes and make space for who you want and the
energy you need in your life, some of the most
magical friendships and relationships will come. So all of this
(11:35):
is to say on this Tommy Talk is losing a
friendship is hard. It's not an easy decision to make.
But rather than going through years or five years or
ten years of this back and forth ping pong game
of allowing somebody who isn't the most healthy for you
in your life, start taking stock of how you feel
when people treat you a certain way, and if you
(11:57):
see a pattern, if you're not getting what you need,
if you haven't been getting what you need, it's okay
to take a step back. It really really is. And
it doesn't say anything about about who you are. It
just means that you're prioritizing your needs and that's okay.
So here is to surrounding ourselves with people who lift
us up, who make us feel good, and who we
(12:18):
want to continue sharing our lives with. I hope you
enjoyed this Tommy Talk. More to come and keep being
your badass selves. I've never said this before. Is hosted
by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by
Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing
(12:39):
by Joshua Colaudney. I've never said this before is part
of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts for more, rate,
review and subscribe to our show and if you liked
this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy
de Dario
Elvis Duran and the Morning Show ON DEMAND News
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.