February 14, 2019 • 38 mins
Garrett has a new Lab partner this week, Jake! The guys talk about Divorce Court, Power Wheel and When ANIMALS attack!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, welcome to the audio laboratory. My name is Garrett.
Gregg has been sitting in freestyling at the beginning of
this for the last few weeks. But you know what,
I wanted a little change today. Change is good from
time to time. Yeah, Gregg, T ditch you. So you
brought me in. I welcome my friend Jake. Hello. Jake
(00:20):
and I go way back. Uh he we both went
to the same college Road University. We've known each other
for a very long time. Kind of have the same personality,
which Jake doesn't know. We have the same parents. Oh,
I actually brought you. I brought you here today to
tell you the paternity test is in. We're related. No, uh, well,
(00:41):
I appreciate you sitting in. You have your twenty some
things doing nothing podcasts, and I figured I would take
advantage of the you doing nothing part and have you
come in to do this podcast. Thank you, because I
was doing nothing. Yeah. So brand new podcast just started up.
I called the soft opening because we haven't done the
grandios opening, where we we tell the masses that this
is open for business. The lab is open to come in.
(01:02):
Sit down, relax, let us get you caught up in
the week and listen to some stuff that has happened
that you might have heard, maybe not have heard, stuff
that I don't get to play on the show because
just for time reasonings. Um, but we we sit down,
we have some fun, feel free commenting. We were just
talking about a story we're gonna talk about in a
minute that you already have something why you weren't allowed
(01:22):
to have it growing up. We'll talk about that, but
first let's start with this Texas grandparents use child scooter
to fend off robbers in a clown mask and a machete.
First off, hearing this headline, Jake, if you are a
robber and you're using a clown mask, I'm automatically going
to assume I'm going to try to keep your asks
no matter what. Well, first of all, hearing this story,
I thought it came out of Florida. Let's see where
(01:44):
did it come out of Texas? Close enough? Uh? Two
guys wearing a clown mash tried to rob a couple
outside their house in Texas with the machete last Friday,
but the couple fought back. The wife broke her granddaughter
scooter and half that must suck. If like come over
to grandma's house you're looking at and it's gone beat
him with her Grandma beat the guys in the clown
(02:06):
mask with the scooter, held them down, and her husband
held the other guy down until the cops got there.
Let's go to the scene of said crime. I'm sitting,
they're talking to my wife, and next thing I know,
when I look up, I see somebody running towards me
with his white clown mashes. Scary. He reached his hand
through the woman put it on my throat like this
(02:27):
and like you know what it is, come on the
way to get up, and I'm looking at him like, dude,
you see as you reaching around me and my husband
looked at them and looked at men like, nah, man,
I can't believe you're trying to rob me with a machetti.
Any weapon is good for me. If I can get
you all for me and my husband, that's what I'm
gonna do that. So I used the scooter, broke it
in half. Me and my husband held them down, and
(02:49):
you know, committed the beating them into the last game.
It was really scary, but it was, like I said,
it was either us of them, you know, and not us.
You're not gonna steal no money. We I know when
I'm safe now, knowing that they can't try to hurt
nobody else, you know, they might go to somebody else
that don't react like us. All Right, kudos to this
(03:11):
couple first off. But she sounds like a grandmother. No
matter what she she's probably the best grandmother to her grandchildren.
You pissed her off. She broke a scooter, Jake, kind
of scooter, Jake, it's a scooter, Like, let's just assume
it's a typical scooter that you and I both know that,
like the razor scooter we have here at the office.
She broke a metal scooter. Yeah, how the hell do
(03:31):
you do that? Like a metal school Like? I guess
it's one of those like push, come to shove. You're
right there, you got a niche Uh. You know you
hear those stories like where a mother like lifts a car, right,
they say you can flip a car, like when the
adrenaline's Russian. The adrenaline must have been Russian so much
that she broke a scooter in a half then proceeded
(03:54):
to beat the hell out of a guy. She sounds
like she kind of enjoyed it, But you know what
the guy was that you like, first off, you shouldn't
rob anybody, but don't use a clown mask. Okay, don't
use a clown mask. And you know it's like he
had a machette and he still couldn't do anything at
least go with the with the typical ski mask. Alright.
So so that's that's the start of what we got
going on here. You kind of get the drift. Yes,
(04:16):
the lab is open, The lab is open. What else
can we catch get caught up on? Uh? I got
a lot of people saving people's lives and I wanted
to get to something. Where where was I reading it?
H Oh? Here it is so Uh Fisher Price they
have the power wheels. Did you have a power wheel
(04:36):
grown up? Uh? That's like the motorized. Yeah, the motorized
a little car that looks like a regular car. But
about it. I was always so mad because I was
never allowed to have one. All right, all right before
I want you to explain why you weren't allowed to
have a power whale. So Fisher Price, Uh, they they
recalled their Barbie dream camper because it has a suddenly
accelerates out of control. So on the gas pedal, So
(04:58):
imagine being a five year all just be like whoa.
But it made me remember the commercial It's every Day
as an Adventure with the power wheel Dreamcamper speed with
everything for making treats by the campfire and breaking the
speed limits. Next, where will you go? Next? Into a
(05:21):
wall where you don't know? So so I have to
ask why were you not allowed to have a a
power wheels car? My mom tried to hide me from
a lot of things. She wanted me to to exercise,
so she was like, you don't need to do that,
you can ride a bike. And then I wasn't allowed
to play video violent video games because she didn't want
(05:42):
me to play games you're shooting guns. Now I get
that one. As a parent now I understand that one.
I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons growing up because
it was as as my parents thought, raunchy. So but
I remember watching Looney Tunes and I think they said
shut up, and that's where I learned shut up. And
I just remember like my dad like coming in and
(06:02):
giving me that like second look, like what did you
just say? Thanks said it on TV? Uh? Do you
know if you could go back in time right now?
Do you know what power wheels you would want? That
sounds weird coming from me, but all right, yeah, I
would say I would give you a hummer. Oh yeah, yes,
(06:23):
Oh that's what I was thinking too. Um all right,
this is I love this one. This one is a
little long. So do you watch Divorce Court? Uh no,
I'm more of a judge Judy kind of guy. All right,
So Divorce Court pretty much couples that are already divorced
and they're just fighting over something. And uh this this couple,
though I only get to play a little bit of
it on the show, but this couple, the guy is
accusing his his now ex wife of sleeping with the
(06:46):
entire Wu Tang clan. Let's go to the court case
right here, and with the entire Woutang clan. I did
not know. I met Woutang. I got on a tour bus,
I went back to the hotel and I was just
hanging out all night. Sound amazing, And I mean we weren't.
(07:07):
We were not doing anything but talking. And now I
lost track of time and I didn't really look at
the time, and all of a sudden, I look at
my clock and I'm seven in the morning, and I
was like, I gotta get out of here, and so
I jumped in a taxi and I went home immediately.
And he starts accusing me of sleeping with them all
and you stayed out all night, got on a tour
(07:30):
bus with a band or a group. I mean that
that that's bust down behavior. Is not bust down behavior?
Now without with with hearing all that that that explanation.
Do you believe this woman slept with the entire woodchain client?
I don't. I mean it probably so, Jake, if you
(07:51):
and I were dating, all right, Yeah, you always been
my dream. You come home from a night out. I
assume you went to a concert concert, you know, seven
eight o'clock, probably get over by eleven, you get home
at six am the next day. That's the thing. What
am I left to assume happened to you? Like everybody's
(08:12):
had those times where you lose track of time. Of course, wait,
if you lose track of time and it's almost almost
an entire day later, right, that's the issue. You lose
track of time, and you're telling me you lost track
of time until seven o'clock in the morning. I don't think, right,
And but not only so I go Okay, well you
had a good fun night with your friends. Then you
proceed to tell me, well, I went on the bus
and had lovely conversation with the band. Yeah, hence why
(08:36):
they're in divorce court. Um, all right, did you ever
have you ever been into science like animals? Earth science?
All right? Do you know what a screeching frog sounds like?
(08:59):
Out of Florida? That's what? Yeah, So if you're walking
her off Florida, let's keep with the animals. So a
woman in Cuba thoroughly enjoyed her dolphin experience. Now what
I mean by that was she was sitting on the
edge of a dock, just enjoying the day as you would.
You know, when you're sitting by the by water and
trying to pet some dolphins. Right, you see a dolphin,
they look cute, You want to do that? Donald dolphins
(09:19):
happened to be one of the horniest animals creatures known
to man. So, uh, a dolphin jumped up onto said
doc and uh started going to town on this woman.
What I don't know, Oh my god, that's not kids scraping,
(09:43):
that's the dolphin. That's like some weird kind of porn.
The dolphin. Um, all right. Uh, grandma and grandpa, do
you do you ever try to face time with them? No,
they've they My grandma can't even text, so she can't
even text. My parents try to face time from time
to time, you know, we we end up. I end
up king at you know, they're they're living room floor
because they can't understand the turn around the camera. So this, uh,
(10:07):
this grandparent, These two grandparents were facetiming their their granddaughter,
and all they could do was yell at her for
walking across her college campus all alone, which in theory
you think, okay, maybe you need something to walk with,
but grandma and grandpa not having it walk by you.
So yeah, my god, Gabby, what are you crazy? New
(10:31):
York and New Jersey? Do you got? Grandma upset? Oh
my god? Why are you alone? She's gone to see
that's the library. That's the library, the library. Liberry shimm
be walking alone like that. She's fine, She's not you,
(10:53):
she's a baby, she's inside. You're right, she's got What
what are you got tomorrow? What is doing that? You sho?
She shouldn't be I don't understand in the library. Oh man,
(11:14):
at least they care about her yea better than having
a non carrying grandparents. Oh so let's see. Did you
see the trailer for the new Aladdin? All right, so
this is a live action version of Aladdin and the
Genie is played by one Will Smith, And we got
a preview of that this week in the new commercial.
You really don't know who I am? Genie wishes land.
(11:37):
None of that ringing about that was the tease that
we got. But here's the thing. Sounds like, sounds like
Will Smith, looks like Will Smith, but blue. It's funny
there there's memes going on. And you ever watch you
watch Fresh Prince growing up? Right? Uh? You know the
beginning of Fresh Prince where he's wrapping the theme song
and he's in front of the spray paint wall. He
(11:58):
has blue spray paint. So they go, look what happened
to Will Smith finally turned blue? Uh? So that comes
out to, uh, I think I think I will do
it looks cool? Um, I think just people are are
used to the Genie being a cartoon and sounding like,
uh who played the Genie? Robin Williams. There we go,
(12:19):
Oh how about this? You love ice cream? Right? You're
just coming off your diet, right, So do you have
trouble sleeping all the time. Let's see if this ice
cream could help you sleep. You've had a long day
and you've been pretty good up until now. I mean,
what's the harm in a couple of potato chips? Right? This?
This is like making I mean, I don't have any
(12:42):
self control whatsoever. Serfect, Right, they're technically vegetables. The problem
is one bart. That's why there's night food, a perfect
solution for the post in her pre bedtime craving got
(13:02):
us chalcoholics. Okay, let's face all of us have been
my whole life. So night food apparently helps you sleep.
Calories a pint, it's supposed to be that that like
snack before you go to bed after dinner, and not
overdo it and just fall into But that's the thing.
(13:23):
When you eat a lot, I tend to fall asleep.
The ad said nothing about ice cream. Also, well, yeah,
it's more. It was more. It was more I guess
meant for TV where they're just eating junk food and
then they talk about the ice cream at the end
of the day. Uh, let's see, Oh, pregnant woman smashes
up a store with a bat over a fifteen minute. Wait,
so this happened right here in New York. Cops are
(13:43):
looking for a pregnant woman. Can't be too hard to find,
you would assume, right, who smashed out the windows of
a restaurant in New York with a bat last month?
Well here's the thing. If she was pregnant and she
gave birth, cops not gonna be able to find her.
You know, uh, they said, because they told her it
would be fifteen minutes to wait for her food. You
do not tell a pregnant woman to wait fifteen minutes
(14:05):
for food, especially if she's hungry. You have hung hungry
pregnant don't do it. She's a regular customer, but they
don't know her name. One of the employees says she's
never seen anything like it before. I want to talk
about a situation. Right after we hear what happened at
the restaurant with a pregnant woman wanting some food. She's
arguing and screaming hello, hello, so find me. Another employee
(14:25):
ran to the front um and they they said to her,
miss may I help you? Um? And she said yeah.
The other lady said there's no beef patties, and she
started cursing with you know, obscene words. They heard a
loud noise we started was gunshots or something like that,
and we got scared. They ran in the front. There
was glass shattered everywhere, and we've never seen anything like this.
(14:46):
Never does. That woman just wanted her her I've been
at a diner, and my theory is, you want to
see the best stuff in the world, go to a
dinner after two o'clock in the morning. You have a
mix of everyone from sober, too hungry, too sick, too angry,
too happy, to horny. You literally could see a fight,
(15:10):
an orgy, a gluttonous intake of of waffles and beer,
all at the same time as you sit in a
diner at two o'clock in the morning. Um, let's go
over to this. Let's play. Let's play a little game.
So let's see if you could guess what this guy
was doing. And uh he he unfortunately hurt himself. So
let's see what see if you can guess, Jake and
(15:32):
everybody listening starting now, maybe you really it's not a
good game, but that's that's how that's how it was
labeled on YouTube. But apparently this guy was snowboarding off
(15:53):
the roof of a building which is just dumb in general,
and he ate it, and of course all his friends
sitting there watching him. Uh do snowboard ski. I've tried,
but it's just no, no, no, I don't either, because
I did, and then I tore my a c and
I said, never again, never, never, ever, ever again. I
love those videos where you have you see people fail
(16:14):
and the friend is just cracking up laughing. I'm like,
d aren't you worry your friend is seriously hurt? Well, yeah,
there's that, and I don't trust that person anymore as
a friend. Honestly, I just say, move on, see you later. Uh,
let's see. Oh. I love the new Orio commercial. It
makes it Orio sound cooler than they actually are. They're delicious,
but with Khalifa and his son, and they say quit,
they say done. They say we're too grown for fun.
(16:36):
They say oh, we say young. We say playful is
never done. Don't fight the filling, just let it flow,
stacking the bracket to let it go. Lafters calling and
pick up the phone. Let's stay playful, Orio. If we're
still smiling the futures, BLAINO. I got the secret the
(16:57):
world should know. Let's stay playful, Ori. I want an
Ario right now. Okay. Also, I heard this for the
first time before and didn't realize it was an Oreo commercial,
and I was like, this is so great. What is
this song? It's an Oreo commercial. Awesome. That's one of
those things where you know you did well well. It's
almost it's like because you didn't know what it was, Oriole,
but now you do, but it's like you get so
(17:19):
invested into it you don't even know what it is anymore. Uh,
let's see. Oh. Uh personal question, Jake, have you ever
smoked weed? Yes? Okay, I haven't never. I always get
accused of it because my eyes because because I look
high all the time. People on the street here in
New York City when I'm outside paying my meter asked
me if I have some, and then I have to
proceed with what do you mean some? And then they
(17:39):
got they whisper weed. Um, so I can only imagine.
So a guy in Houston, uh Ghandi was talking about
this on the Elvis Show. Uh went to smoke some
weed and uh, I guess he has his own hideout
in Houston an abandoned house. First off, why would you
go to abandoned house? That just doesn't it just sounds
something straight out of a movie. Uh, found a thousand
(18:02):
pound tiger in a cage? What like a real tiger? Yeah? Uh,
so he thought he was hallucinating, rightfully so be from
the weed. And uh and then he had to call
the cops. Imagine calling the cops. First off, your high,
your high as a kite, and then you're you're sober
(18:23):
enough to realize that you should do something about it,
like call the cops. Uh. They found it. They tranquilized
the tiger and maybe maybe even him, uh and moved
it to an animal shelter. And I'm still speaking for
the tiger and the guy smoking weed. But this is
what I love. All the neighbors. Anytime something happens that
the news goes to the neighborhood, and it's always they
were very nice to me. I could never imagine them
(18:44):
this never, this never happens here. Who we have so
many tigers in this neighborhood. So let's go to the
news and the police and the city spokesperson about Yeah,
the city, the city of Houston has their own spokesperson
talking about the man who went into an abandoned house
to smoke weed found a tiger and what happened. It's
(19:04):
a very large tiger. It's kind of scary because and
as a tiger not here in Houston, it's not normal.
They assured us that it wasn't the effects of the
drugs that made them believe that. Okay, so first we
thought it might have been a prank or they were high.
She's pretty large, so she doesn't look under fed. She
was thirsty and wasn't especially threatening. They did tranquilize her
(19:25):
right before they transported her. It's a beautiful, beautiful animal,
and we wanted to live a happy, healthy life. And
living in a cage, it's not optimal circumstances for anyone involved.
First of all, if you've ever smoked weed before, you
know that that would not have been from the weed.
Like if people are like they don't know if it
was from the marijuanas well, they that's those are the
(19:46):
people that have never smoked and just as they've watched
many movies, maybe they watched How High a few times
um and and heard Afroman on you know, on YouTube.
But aside from that, those are the people that always
assume the worst in in in people who smoke weed.
But yet I've never smoked and I still get assumed
the worst because I look like a weed smoker. Uh
(20:06):
it is Uh. It is the week of Valentine's Day,
so everyone doing crazy, crazy things to get attention and
and get get you to come into their establishment, including
a woman online at a giant raw steak shape like
a heart for Valentine's Day. Apparently she's been eating raw
meat since the age of two. She's probably three, but
(20:29):
Valentine's Day heart steak so freaking um like you can't
even see it, but you hear it and you know
it's raw. And it's like the trend that was going
around for a while people were eating raw chicken. Let's
(20:49):
see what else have we got going on here for
this uh today? Uh oh? Would you would you swimming sharks? Uh? Problem,
Like you would be in a cage you wouldn't like openly.
So Steve Harvey was with Jimmy Kimmel the other day.
They talked about being on vacation where where there were sharks,
(21:13):
and he says someone told them they were okay to
swim with. But he had a good reason why he
doesn't swim with sharks. Let's listen to Steve Harvey. We
were down there you know, we went to this place
and they are sharks. The signs is posted everywhere beware
of the sharks. There's no one in the water. And
(21:34):
so this guy comes up. We're on the dock just
looking at the sharks. He says, you can swim with
those that I said, swim with what he said? You
could swim with the sharks. I said, you see the
damn signs. He says, No, those aren't bull sharks. Those
are nursery sharks. How the hell I know the difference.
I mean, there are bullshock all the bullsharks to me,
(21:58):
and in all of shark history, you've never seen a
black person being attacked by a shock showing better judgments
black history, moll. All right, that was Steve Harry and
Jimmy Gummo. So, Jake, I ask you swim in open
(22:21):
water with sharks that possibly won't attack you, or stay
on sedge, doc and wait to be humped by a dolphin. Oh,
definitely humped by the dolphin. Really, Now, like we're talking
sharks that like are the size of maybe like your forearm,
so like not crazy big sharks, but they could still
attack you. You're not going to die from a dolphin.
(22:42):
Humping you. Yes, that's the weirdest thing I've ever said.
You're more likely to go viral. Like I'm more like, like,
if you swim at the shark that's the size of
your forearm, it's like, Okay, you get a little nip
here and there, they're not gonna kill you. But you
get humped by a dolphin on a dock, you're more
likely to end up on YouTube with millions of people
(23:03):
laughing at the fact that dolphin just had its way
with you. Right, And if you get bit by a
little shark, you could always say you got bit by
shark exactly. You could say, so do you want to
rethink it? So, do you still want to be humped
by your shark, hump by your shark, humped by a dolphin,
or eaten by a a tiny shark? Definitely hump by
a dolphins? Still still nah? See I would go with
the shark sharks a little bit more compelling for me. Um,
(23:24):
are you go to the bathroom? Do you wash your
hands pre post or don't post? It depends, but you
wash your hands in general. So this guy, which I'm
going to call BS on this is our b S
story of the week. But I think he's just trying
to get attention over on Fox and Friends. I don't
watch Fox and Friends. But Pete heg Seth heg Seth
said over the weekend that he doesn't believe germs are real.
(23:48):
Do you believe germs are real? Of course you get sick.
I get sick. You you have a bad immune system,
and I do too, just naturally from all the diseases.
I have diabetes and whatnot. But he says he hasn't
been sick for one reason. And what do you think
that reason is? Because we're talking about it, Let's listen.
As I told you, my resolution is to say things
on air that I say off air. I don't think
(24:10):
I've washed my hands for ten years. I don't really
wash my hands. I inoculate myself. Are not a real thing.
I can't see who is this guy? He's a weekend
anchor on Fox and Friends. But there is no possible
way ten years. That's a very long time, Jake, very
(24:33):
long time. You're telling me. He never want in a
bathroom after using it, including one end, two or three
sometimes has never ever ever, So he is more likely
to wipe his butt and then walk out of the bathroom.
That's what he's saying. First of all, he says germs
are not real, which like, what do you a conspiracy theorist? Also,
(24:53):
I got a conspiracy coming up that I think you'll
be into. But um yeah, I don't believe it. I
I call bs on that Fox and Friends host. Also,
you shower, well, well that's the thing. But showering is
one thing. He's not using the bathroom unless he peas
in the He peas in the shower. He sounds like
a guy that would pee in the shower. Impossibly, I
don't pee in the shower every time the shower. Well
(25:15):
you you're a single guy. You're a single guy, but
still you the toilet is no more than than two
feet away from you. But if I'm how lazy are
you to to to get out of the shower and
pee in the toilet like the rest of human kind.
I think it's eco friendly. I'm saying it's ego saving
(25:35):
water every time you flush the toilet. This is just
a This is one of those things where I normally
don't say, but I wish great Tea was here because
you would have someone on your side. He poops, then
he smushes it down the drain. Both of you can. Oh,
that makes you, both of you, both of you, both
of you need Now let's just say you two are roommates.
(25:57):
You you and great two are roommates, outside of outside
of all the knowing what you know about him. He
poops in the shower, You pee in the shower. Both
use the same shower. Are you still okay with using
the shower? Now? If I learned my roommates pooping in
the shower, I'm moving out. Does your girlfriend know you
pee in the shower? Does she really? Yeah? I have
(26:18):
her on the phone. Um, God, come on, I don't
Why is it gross? It's gross. Guarantee you do not
your your hit rate alone in the toilet. You still
have have leakage in and around the toilet there exactly,
the drain is even smaller. Well yeah, I mean, but
(26:39):
in the shower down so you scrub the bottom of
your shower after you use it. No, but think of
how much time in your life you're wasting by not
peeing in the shower. This is the same guy that
doesn't clean his comforter because he doesn't use it. The
same guy that doesn't doesn't doesn't use the toilet. P
(27:00):
and uses the shower when he's used in the shower.
Have you come to the point where you'll pee in
the shower even when you're not taking a shower? Alright? Alright,
then I would we would have problems. All right. There
is a YouTuber. Let's see if we can get his
name real quick. Um, his name as I pull it up.
His conspiracy though he has a big YouTube channel. You're
(27:21):
into making YouTube channels, Jake, right, and you just started
your own. Well no, you're trying to know I run
our YouTube channel. Well, you also have twenty some things
doing nothing, and you're you're trying to become friends with
all the YouTubers out there so YouTube can learn how to,
uh to better your life and turn it into YouTube channel.
Shane Dawson is his name. He investigates investigating conspiracies with
(27:41):
Jane Dawson. This is right up, great teas Ali too.
But his conspiracy, Jake, have you ever been to Chuck
E Cheese? Have birthday by yourself? Birthday? All right? If
you said by yourself, that would be like, all right,
that's where I call the cops and then NBC. Uh So,
Shane Dawson. His conspiracy is that Chuck E Cheese takes
(28:03):
uneaten pizza slices and uses them to form a new pizza.
I believe it. So when you order pizza, the slices
look mismatching weird, which is true. Uh first he looked
at photos online, then seemed to be true, so he
went and ordered and found the same thing. And uh,
of course Chuck E Cheese says, you're full of crap,
(28:23):
not happening. So this is this is the YouTube video.
Doesn't that If somebody at Chuck E Cheese doesn't finish
their whole pizza and there's like a few pieces left,
the employee will take that took the back, take those
pieces off the trail, and form a new pizza with
all the other leftovers, and then reheat it and serve
(28:46):
it to a new customer. Every piece is a different size.
That piece is longer than that piece, which is shorter
than that piece. These pieces in the back are shorter
than those pieces, and none of the pepperonis. Oh man,
I mean if that's true, yeah, that would be probably illegally.
I think we've proven that these two hats were never together. Okay, well,
(29:13):
germs are not real, so that's not gross. Well, here's
the thing, Like, if you're working at Chuck E Cheese,
there's a good chance you're like in high school. Maybe
I would say, you know, right, So I put it
to the idea that the high schooler doesn't know how
to cut pizza properly. I don't think so, I do.
But it also makes it made me think too, like
(29:34):
have you ever worked in the restaurant business. I've worked
in the ice cream store? Okay, when you well, ice
creams a little different because it's it's it's kind of
like single serve, so it's not like a plate. I'm saying,
like friends who have worked in restaurants before, when there's
like a plate of fries that like look like they've
never been touched, they would go and eat those fries
(29:54):
in the back. But why is that sick? They haven't
touched them? Oh, you don't know if who if they
really touched them, especially if they didn't wash their hands,
or maybe they peed in the shower, if they pee
in the shower and then they touched the French fries.
But but yeah, there's gotta be people out there. I'm
convinced that if you see like a half eaten thing
of pizza, not that you think to put it and
resell it, but you're you're bound to have probably do
(30:16):
it just because they're lazy, not because they don't want to,
not because they're like, oh, we can save the store money.
They're like, oh, I don't want to cook a new pizza.
Let's just put it all together and make a new one.
All right. Let's let's close out the week. See what
else we could find. Uh, let's see Valentine's Day. What
are you doing? Uh? You got plants for Valentine's Day? Yeah,
we're doing a homemade sushi. Oh, homemade sushi. Hopefully I
don't die from bad fish. Did you already buy the fish? No?
(30:39):
I have to go do that all right, so it'll
be fresh, you'll be good. I am doing just dinner
at home because as you and I think you know too,
it's just it's more of Unless you want to spend
a crazy amount of money to go to the same
restaurant you go to every every day of the week
and spend double that money for almost the same food
or maybe a heart shaped pizza, then you know that's
on you. You can have nice home cooked me on you. Uh. No,
(31:03):
I don't cook I'm I'm the worst cook ever. I'm
literally the ali says, I'm not allowed to cook for
for one reason, one reason only. She she she was
cooking pasta. I had one job to do. While she
ran out to go get something that she needed for
the sauce she was making. She goes, just just chop
the cheese that she was putting up making and uh,
(31:26):
and what I heard was put the cheese into the
boiling water. Cheese into boiling water. I heard that. I
swear to God, I heard that. That's what I heard
in my head. And to this day, to the day
I pass on, I'm still sticking to that story. I
put said cheese into the boiling water. Went back to
I think I was playing Xbox. She comes home, What
(31:48):
the f did you do? Me? I did exactly like
you said, al Um, why would you put chunks of
cheese in boiling water? You know what that does? I go,
I don't know why you wanted me to do it,
but I just did it anyway, because I'm a rule follower.
Like you tell me to do something, you do it.
And you tell me to jump off a bridge, I
won't do that. I'll think about it, but I go
(32:11):
why she goes, I told you to move the cheese
away from the boiling water and keep an eye on
the boiling water so it doesn't spill over. For some reason,
what I heard, I'm pretty sure the first time she
said it though, put the cheese in the water. So
I had to scrape the cheese that was stuck to
the bottom of the of the pan out like all day,
(32:33):
and then I had to go back to the store
and buy fresh cheese so she can make for for
the dinner she was making. So that's why I'm not
allowed to cook. Uh let's see. Oh um, all right,
So Jake, you are you're a millennial. Correct. I'm not
gonna make fun of you on this, but I will
ask you a question that they took a survey on,
(32:53):
what extreme thing would you do to get your dream home? Oh?
Dream home has every thing? What's one thing extreme thing? Oh?
I would probably launder money. You were launder money? Okay.
Well of millennial surveys said they would listen to this
(33:14):
song for a week straight. Oh god, Now, if you
don't think this song I'm about to play you could
stand for a week. I'm gonna play for about fifty
seconds and I think you'll give up to you might
even turn off this podcast, and if you do, thank
you for listening. By the way, Uh, but please please
come back next week. But this is the song Millennial
said they were listening to for a week straight in
(33:34):
order for them to get their dream home. A week seven,
seven days a week, a week straight in a room,
nothing else, no human interaction. Man, I've already wanted to
turn off, but I see you can't turn it off.
(33:59):
We should stewart podcasting. How long it would be interesting?
We're still going thirty seconds in Man, it's still going.
There's time seven. Can you do it? I don't know.
(34:23):
I would, I really would, because my dream home is
it's still going extravagant. So you're you're telling me I'm
going to call bs on that there's no way. I'm
sure you would get food. We know you pee in
the shower, so you still two burns, got one stone.
I don't think you'd do it, man, I would my
(34:45):
to get my dream home. I would do a lot
of Here's the thing. I just told you I would
break the law. Yeah you would. Yeah. I can't believe
you said you would launder money. By the way, you
know the I I R. S is going to look
at you as soon as you get your first house.
How did you get that house, Jake? You make four
bucks an hour, yet you have a five million dollar home.
I'd listened to Continent Joe for a week. We'll see that.
That's fine, you're not wondering money. Uh. And by the way,
(35:08):
if you're still with us, thank you very much. We
appreciate it. Uh, let's see. I think, oh, this is
kind of interesting too. Uh. You've watched The Matrix, right,
so Will Smith, who probably has one of the best
Instagram accounts out there. He just puts out this content.
And you, of a man of content, appreciates good content
(35:28):
when you see good content. Uh. He was explaining why
he turned down the role of Neo. He was gonna
play Neo, the role Keanu Reeves had in The Matrix. Uh,
they came to him first and uh, but the problem was,
this is how he was pitched the movie and why
he turned it down and listened to what he did
instead of the Matrix. So after we made Men in Black,
(35:51):
they came in and it was like they had only
done one movie. They did a movie I think it
was called Bound, and they came in and they made
a pitch for the Matrix, and as it turns out,
their geniuses. But there's a fine line in a pitch
meeting between genius and what I experienced in the meeting.
(36:12):
This is the actual pitch that they made for the Matrix. Dude,
we're thinking like, like, imagine you're in a fight and
then you're like jump. Imagine if you could stop jumping
in the middle of the jump, Sam, say that again,
and then we're gonna invent these cameras when people can
(36:32):
see the whole jump while you stopped in the middle
of the jump. So I made Wild Wild West. Then
I rolled into the when I'm not proud of like
you know, you see people on that Monday, I was
walking on hey guys. Sorry, hey listen, I'm working on
(36:54):
on peoples too. Don't worry about it. Sorry, But it
ain't like it would have been that Like Keanu was perfect,
Lawrence Fishburn was perfect. If I had done it because
I'm black, the Morpheus wouldn't have been black because they
were looking at Val Kilmer because I was gonna be Neo.
Val Kilmer was going to be Morpheus. So I probably
(37:14):
would have messed the Matrix up. I would have ruined it.
So I did jaw a favor. Imagine imagine when he
watched the movie and he's like, oh wow, yeah you
got you. Gotta think he watched the Matrix and said, okay,
I left up. I messed up, and now he's like,
I saved you. But in his head he's really like,
but it is true. Like, let's just say he said
(37:35):
yes to play Neo, the whole movie would be different.
It wouldn't be everyone that we saw in the Matrix.
So question would be would it be as good with
Will Smith as it was with Keano Reeves? Makes you
think about that, But let's let's end on that. Jake.
I appreciate you sitting in. You're allowed to. It's not
(37:56):
like you can only come in when no one's here.
But you know, feel free. Thanks did Jeff fun It
was a good time. I love telling the world really
strange things about me. Yeah, we learned you Pete in
the shower. I want to be humped by dolphin and
I'm gonna launch your money. You should have chose the shark,
by the way, Yeah, I should have choose to not
come in here today. It would have showed the whole narrative.
Al Right, twenty somethings doing nothing. Listen to Jake's podcast.
(38:18):
Thank you. It's on iHeart Radio. That's the only reason
why I came in here so I could plug it.
But thank you for listening to the Audio Laboratory. My
name is Garrett. Will be back in two weeks, going
away next week. Yes, thank you for listening. Yet again,
leave those reviews. I don't make any money off them,
but the bosses think I do a good job, so
leave those reviews. Thank you for listening. We'll talk to
(38:39):
you soon.
All right, welcome to the audio laboratory. My name is Garrett.
Gregg has been sitting in freestyling at the beginning of
this for the last few weeks. But you know what,
I wanted a little change today. Change is good from
time to time. Yeah, Gregg, T ditch you. So you
brought me in. I welcome my friend Jake. Hello. Jake
(00:20):
and I go way back. Uh he we both went
to the same college Road University. We've known each other
for a very long time. Kind of have the same personality,
which Jake doesn't know. We have the same parents. Oh,
I actually brought you. I brought you here today to
tell you the paternity test is in. We're related. No, uh, well,
(00:41):
I appreciate you sitting in. You have your twenty some
things doing nothing podcasts, and I figured I would take
advantage of the you doing nothing part and have you
come in to do this podcast. Thank you, because I
was doing nothing. Yeah. So brand new podcast just started up.
I called the soft opening because we haven't done the
grandios opening, where we we tell the masses that this
is open for business. The lab is open to come in.
(01:02):
Sit down, relax, let us get you caught up in
the week and listen to some stuff that has happened
that you might have heard, maybe not have heard, stuff
that I don't get to play on the show because
just for time reasonings. Um, but we we sit down,
we have some fun, feel free commenting. We were just
talking about a story we're gonna talk about in a
minute that you already have something why you weren't allowed
(01:22):
to have it growing up. We'll talk about that, but
first let's start with this Texas grandparents use child scooter
to fend off robbers in a clown mask and a machete.
First off, hearing this headline, Jake, if you are a
robber and you're using a clown mask, I'm automatically going
to assume I'm going to try to keep your asks
no matter what. Well, first of all, hearing this story,
I thought it came out of Florida. Let's see where
(01:44):
did it come out of Texas? Close enough? Uh? Two
guys wearing a clown mash tried to rob a couple
outside their house in Texas with the machete last Friday,
but the couple fought back. The wife broke her granddaughter
scooter and half that must suck. If like come over
to grandma's house you're looking at and it's gone beat
him with her Grandma beat the guys in the clown
(02:06):
mask with the scooter, held them down, and her husband
held the other guy down until the cops got there.
Let's go to the scene of said crime. I'm sitting,
they're talking to my wife, and next thing I know,
when I look up, I see somebody running towards me
with his white clown mashes. Scary. He reached his hand
through the woman put it on my throat like this
(02:27):
and like you know what it is, come on the
way to get up, and I'm looking at him like, dude,
you see as you reaching around me and my husband
looked at them and looked at men like, nah, man,
I can't believe you're trying to rob me with a machetti.
Any weapon is good for me. If I can get
you all for me and my husband, that's what I'm
gonna do that. So I used the scooter, broke it
in half. Me and my husband held them down, and
(02:49):
you know, committed the beating them into the last game.
It was really scary, but it was, like I said,
it was either us of them, you know, and not us.
You're not gonna steal no money. We I know when
I'm safe now, knowing that they can't try to hurt
nobody else, you know, they might go to somebody else
that don't react like us. All Right, kudos to this
(03:11):
couple first off. But she sounds like a grandmother. No
matter what she she's probably the best grandmother to her grandchildren.
You pissed her off. She broke a scooter, Jake, kind
of scooter, Jake, it's a scooter, Like, let's just assume
it's a typical scooter that you and I both know that,
like the razor scooter we have here at the office.
She broke a metal scooter. Yeah, how the hell do
(03:31):
you do that? Like a metal school Like? I guess
it's one of those like push, come to shove. You're
right there, you got a niche Uh. You know you
hear those stories like where a mother like lifts a car, right,
they say you can flip a car, like when the
adrenaline's Russian. The adrenaline must have been Russian so much
that she broke a scooter in a half then proceeded
(03:54):
to beat the hell out of a guy. She sounds
like she kind of enjoyed it, But you know what
the guy was that you like, first off, you shouldn't
rob anybody, but don't use a clown mask. Okay, don't
use a clown mask. And you know it's like he
had a machette and he still couldn't do anything at
least go with the with the typical ski mask. Alright.
So so that's that's the start of what we got
going on here. You kind of get the drift. Yes,
(04:16):
the lab is open, The lab is open. What else
can we catch get caught up on? Uh? I got
a lot of people saving people's lives and I wanted
to get to something. Where where was I reading it?
H Oh? Here it is so Uh Fisher Price they
have the power wheels. Did you have a power wheel
(04:36):
grown up? Uh? That's like the motorized. Yeah, the motorized
a little car that looks like a regular car. But
about it. I was always so mad because I was
never allowed to have one. All right, all right before
I want you to explain why you weren't allowed to
have a power whale. So Fisher Price, Uh, they they
recalled their Barbie dream camper because it has a suddenly
accelerates out of control. So on the gas pedal, So
(04:58):
imagine being a five year all just be like whoa.
But it made me remember the commercial It's every Day
as an Adventure with the power wheel Dreamcamper speed with
everything for making treats by the campfire and breaking the
speed limits. Next, where will you go? Next? Into a
(05:21):
wall where you don't know? So so I have to
ask why were you not allowed to have a a
power wheels car? My mom tried to hide me from
a lot of things. She wanted me to to exercise,
so she was like, you don't need to do that,
you can ride a bike. And then I wasn't allowed
to play video violent video games because she didn't want
(05:42):
me to play games you're shooting guns. Now I get
that one. As a parent now I understand that one.
I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons growing up because
it was as as my parents thought, raunchy. So but
I remember watching Looney Tunes and I think they said
shut up, and that's where I learned shut up. And
I just remember like my dad like coming in and
(06:02):
giving me that like second look, like what did you
just say? Thanks said it on TV? Uh? Do you
know if you could go back in time right now?
Do you know what power wheels you would want? That
sounds weird coming from me, but all right, yeah, I
would say I would give you a hummer. Oh yeah, yes,
(06:23):
Oh that's what I was thinking too. Um all right,
this is I love this one. This one is a
little long. So do you watch Divorce Court? Uh no,
I'm more of a judge Judy kind of guy. All right,
So Divorce Court pretty much couples that are already divorced
and they're just fighting over something. And uh this this couple,
though I only get to play a little bit of
it on the show, but this couple, the guy is
accusing his his now ex wife of sleeping with the
(06:46):
entire Wu Tang clan. Let's go to the court case
right here, and with the entire Woutang clan. I did
not know. I met Woutang. I got on a tour bus,
I went back to the hotel and I was just
hanging out all night. Sound amazing, And I mean we weren't.
(07:07):
We were not doing anything but talking. And now I
lost track of time and I didn't really look at
the time, and all of a sudden, I look at
my clock and I'm seven in the morning, and I
was like, I gotta get out of here, and so
I jumped in a taxi and I went home immediately.
And he starts accusing me of sleeping with them all
and you stayed out all night, got on a tour
(07:30):
bus with a band or a group. I mean that
that that's bust down behavior. Is not bust down behavior?
Now without with with hearing all that that that explanation.
Do you believe this woman slept with the entire woodchain client?
I don't. I mean it probably so, Jake, if you
(07:51):
and I were dating, all right, Yeah, you always been
my dream. You come home from a night out. I
assume you went to a concert concert, you know, seven
eight o'clock, probably get over by eleven, you get home
at six am the next day. That's the thing. What
am I left to assume happened to you? Like everybody's
(08:12):
had those times where you lose track of time. Of course, wait,
if you lose track of time and it's almost almost
an entire day later, right, that's the issue. You lose
track of time, and you're telling me you lost track
of time until seven o'clock in the morning. I don't think, right,
And but not only so I go Okay, well you
had a good fun night with your friends. Then you
proceed to tell me, well, I went on the bus
and had lovely conversation with the band. Yeah, hence why
(08:36):
they're in divorce court. Um, all right, did you ever
have you ever been into science like animals? Earth science?
All right? Do you know what a screeching frog sounds like?
(08:59):
Out of Florida? That's what? Yeah, So if you're walking
her off Florida, let's keep with the animals. So a
woman in Cuba thoroughly enjoyed her dolphin experience. Now what
I mean by that was she was sitting on the
edge of a dock, just enjoying the day as you would.
You know, when you're sitting by the by water and
trying to pet some dolphins. Right, you see a dolphin,
they look cute, You want to do that? Donald dolphins
(09:19):
happened to be one of the horniest animals creatures known
to man. So, uh, a dolphin jumped up onto said
doc and uh started going to town on this woman.
What I don't know, Oh my god, that's not kids scraping,
(09:43):
that's the dolphin. That's like some weird kind of porn.
The dolphin. Um, all right. Uh, grandma and grandpa, do
you do you ever try to face time with them? No,
they've they My grandma can't even text, so she can't
even text. My parents try to face time from time
to time, you know, we we end up. I end
up king at you know, they're they're living room floor
because they can't understand the turn around the camera. So this, uh,
(10:07):
this grandparent, These two grandparents were facetiming their their granddaughter,
and all they could do was yell at her for
walking across her college campus all alone, which in theory
you think, okay, maybe you need something to walk with,
but grandma and grandpa not having it walk by you.
So yeah, my god, Gabby, what are you crazy? New
(10:31):
York and New Jersey? Do you got? Grandma upset? Oh
my god? Why are you alone? She's gone to see
that's the library. That's the library, the library. Liberry shimm
be walking alone like that. She's fine, She's not you,
(10:53):
she's a baby, she's inside. You're right, she's got What
what are you got tomorrow? What is doing that? You sho?
She shouldn't be I don't understand in the library. Oh man,
(11:14):
at least they care about her yea better than having
a non carrying grandparents. Oh so let's see. Did you
see the trailer for the new Aladdin? All right, so
this is a live action version of Aladdin and the
Genie is played by one Will Smith, And we got
a preview of that this week in the new commercial.
You really don't know who I am? Genie wishes land.
(11:37):
None of that ringing about that was the tease that
we got. But here's the thing. Sounds like, sounds like
Will Smith, looks like Will Smith, but blue. It's funny
there there's memes going on. And you ever watch you
watch Fresh Prince growing up? Right? Uh? You know the
beginning of Fresh Prince where he's wrapping the theme song
and he's in front of the spray paint wall. He
(11:58):
has blue spray paint. So they go, look what happened
to Will Smith finally turned blue? Uh? So that comes
out to, uh, I think I think I will do
it looks cool? Um, I think just people are are
used to the Genie being a cartoon and sounding like,
uh who played the Genie? Robin Williams. There we go,
(12:19):
Oh how about this? You love ice cream? Right? You're
just coming off your diet, right, So do you have
trouble sleeping all the time. Let's see if this ice
cream could help you sleep. You've had a long day
and you've been pretty good up until now. I mean,
what's the harm in a couple of potato chips? Right? This?
This is like making I mean, I don't have any
(12:42):
self control whatsoever. Serfect, Right, they're technically vegetables. The problem
is one bart. That's why there's night food, a perfect
solution for the post in her pre bedtime craving got
(13:02):
us chalcoholics. Okay, let's face all of us have been
my whole life. So night food apparently helps you sleep.
Calories a pint, it's supposed to be that that like
snack before you go to bed after dinner, and not
overdo it and just fall into But that's the thing.
(13:23):
When you eat a lot, I tend to fall asleep.
The ad said nothing about ice cream. Also, well, yeah,
it's more. It was more. It was more I guess
meant for TV where they're just eating junk food and
then they talk about the ice cream at the end
of the day. Uh, let's see, Oh, pregnant woman smashes
up a store with a bat over a fifteen minute. Wait,
so this happened right here in New York. Cops are
(13:43):
looking for a pregnant woman. Can't be too hard to find,
you would assume, right, who smashed out the windows of
a restaurant in New York with a bat last month?
Well here's the thing. If she was pregnant and she
gave birth, cops not gonna be able to find her.
You know, uh, they said, because they told her it
would be fifteen minutes to wait for her food. You
do not tell a pregnant woman to wait fifteen minutes
(14:05):
for food, especially if she's hungry. You have hung hungry
pregnant don't do it. She's a regular customer, but they
don't know her name. One of the employees says she's
never seen anything like it before. I want to talk
about a situation. Right after we hear what happened at
the restaurant with a pregnant woman wanting some food. She's
arguing and screaming hello, hello, so find me. Another employee
(14:25):
ran to the front um and they they said to her,
miss may I help you? Um? And she said yeah.
The other lady said there's no beef patties, and she
started cursing with you know, obscene words. They heard a
loud noise we started was gunshots or something like that,
and we got scared. They ran in the front. There
was glass shattered everywhere, and we've never seen anything like this.
(14:46):
Never does. That woman just wanted her her I've been
at a diner, and my theory is, you want to
see the best stuff in the world, go to a
dinner after two o'clock in the morning. You have a
mix of everyone from sober, too hungry, too sick, too angry,
too happy, to horny. You literally could see a fight,
(15:10):
an orgy, a gluttonous intake of of waffles and beer,
all at the same time as you sit in a
diner at two o'clock in the morning. Um, let's go
over to this. Let's play. Let's play a little game.
So let's see if you could guess what this guy
was doing. And uh he he unfortunately hurt himself. So
let's see what see if you can guess, Jake and
(15:32):
everybody listening starting now, maybe you really it's not a
good game, but that's that's how that's how it was
labeled on YouTube. But apparently this guy was snowboarding off
(15:53):
the roof of a building which is just dumb in general,
and he ate it, and of course all his friends
sitting there watching him. Uh do snowboard ski. I've tried,
but it's just no, no, no, I don't either, because
I did, and then I tore my a c and
I said, never again, never, never, ever, ever again. I
love those videos where you have you see people fail
(16:14):
and the friend is just cracking up laughing. I'm like,
d aren't you worry your friend is seriously hurt? Well, yeah,
there's that, and I don't trust that person anymore as
a friend. Honestly, I just say, move on, see you later. Uh,
let's see. Oh. I love the new Orio commercial. It
makes it Orio sound cooler than they actually are. They're delicious,
but with Khalifa and his son, and they say quit,
they say done. They say we're too grown for fun.
(16:36):
They say oh, we say young. We say playful is
never done. Don't fight the filling, just let it flow,
stacking the bracket to let it go. Lafters calling and
pick up the phone. Let's stay playful, Orio. If we're
still smiling the futures, BLAINO. I got the secret the
(16:57):
world should know. Let's stay playful, Ori. I want an
Ario right now. Okay. Also, I heard this for the
first time before and didn't realize it was an Oreo commercial,
and I was like, this is so great. What is
this song? It's an Oreo commercial. Awesome. That's one of
those things where you know you did well well. It's
almost it's like because you didn't know what it was, Oriole,
but now you do, but it's like you get so
(17:19):
invested into it you don't even know what it is anymore. Uh,
let's see. Oh. Uh personal question, Jake, have you ever
smoked weed? Yes? Okay, I haven't never. I always get
accused of it because my eyes because because I look
high all the time. People on the street here in
New York City when I'm outside paying my meter asked
me if I have some, and then I have to
proceed with what do you mean some? And then they
(17:39):
got they whisper weed. Um, so I can only imagine.
So a guy in Houston, uh Ghandi was talking about
this on the Elvis Show. Uh went to smoke some
weed and uh, I guess he has his own hideout
in Houston an abandoned house. First off, why would you
go to abandoned house? That just doesn't it just sounds
something straight out of a movie. Uh, found a thousand
(18:02):
pound tiger in a cage? What like a real tiger? Yeah? Uh,
so he thought he was hallucinating, rightfully so be from
the weed. And uh and then he had to call
the cops. Imagine calling the cops. First off, your high,
your high as a kite, and then you're you're sober
(18:23):
enough to realize that you should do something about it,
like call the cops. Uh. They found it. They tranquilized
the tiger and maybe maybe even him, uh and moved
it to an animal shelter. And I'm still speaking for
the tiger and the guy smoking weed. But this is
what I love. All the neighbors. Anytime something happens that
the news goes to the neighborhood, and it's always they
were very nice to me. I could never imagine them
(18:44):
this never, this never happens here. Who we have so
many tigers in this neighborhood. So let's go to the
news and the police and the city spokesperson about Yeah,
the city, the city of Houston has their own spokesperson
talking about the man who went into an abandoned house
to smoke weed found a tiger and what happened. It's
(19:04):
a very large tiger. It's kind of scary because and
as a tiger not here in Houston, it's not normal.
They assured us that it wasn't the effects of the
drugs that made them believe that. Okay, so first we
thought it might have been a prank or they were high.
She's pretty large, so she doesn't look under fed. She
was thirsty and wasn't especially threatening. They did tranquilize her
(19:25):
right before they transported her. It's a beautiful, beautiful animal,
and we wanted to live a happy, healthy life. And
living in a cage, it's not optimal circumstances for anyone involved.
First of all, if you've ever smoked weed before, you
know that that would not have been from the weed.
Like if people are like they don't know if it
was from the marijuanas well, they that's those are the
(19:46):
people that have never smoked and just as they've watched
many movies, maybe they watched How High a few times
um and and heard Afroman on you know, on YouTube.
But aside from that, those are the people that always
assume the worst in in in people who smoke weed.
But yet I've never smoked and I still get assumed
the worst because I look like a weed smoker. Uh
(20:06):
it is Uh. It is the week of Valentine's Day,
so everyone doing crazy, crazy things to get attention and
and get get you to come into their establishment, including
a woman online at a giant raw steak shape like
a heart for Valentine's Day. Apparently she's been eating raw
meat since the age of two. She's probably three, but
(20:29):
Valentine's Day heart steak so freaking um like you can't
even see it, but you hear it and you know
it's raw. And it's like the trend that was going
around for a while people were eating raw chicken. Let's
(20:49):
see what else have we got going on here for
this uh today? Uh oh? Would you would you swimming sharks? Uh? Problem,
Like you would be in a cage you wouldn't like openly.
So Steve Harvey was with Jimmy Kimmel the other day.
They talked about being on vacation where where there were sharks,
(21:13):
and he says someone told them they were okay to
swim with. But he had a good reason why he
doesn't swim with sharks. Let's listen to Steve Harvey. We
were down there you know, we went to this place
and they are sharks. The signs is posted everywhere beware
of the sharks. There's no one in the water. And
(21:34):
so this guy comes up. We're on the dock just
looking at the sharks. He says, you can swim with
those that I said, swim with what he said? You
could swim with the sharks. I said, you see the
damn signs. He says, No, those aren't bull sharks. Those
are nursery sharks. How the hell I know the difference.
I mean, there are bullshock all the bullsharks to me,
(21:58):
and in all of shark history, you've never seen a
black person being attacked by a shock showing better judgments
black history, moll. All right, that was Steve Harry and
Jimmy Gummo. So, Jake, I ask you swim in open
(22:21):
water with sharks that possibly won't attack you, or stay
on sedge, doc and wait to be humped by a dolphin. Oh,
definitely humped by the dolphin. Really, Now, like we're talking
sharks that like are the size of maybe like your forearm,
so like not crazy big sharks, but they could still
attack you. You're not going to die from a dolphin.
(22:42):
Humping you. Yes, that's the weirdest thing I've ever said.
You're more likely to go viral. Like I'm more like, like,
if you swim at the shark that's the size of
your forearm, it's like, Okay, you get a little nip
here and there, they're not gonna kill you. But you
get humped by a dolphin on a dock, you're more
likely to end up on YouTube with millions of people
(23:03):
laughing at the fact that dolphin just had its way
with you. Right, And if you get bit by a
little shark, you could always say you got bit by
shark exactly. You could say, so do you want to
rethink it? So, do you still want to be humped
by your shark, hump by your shark, humped by a dolphin,
or eaten by a a tiny shark? Definitely hump by
a dolphins? Still still nah? See I would go with
the shark sharks a little bit more compelling for me. Um,
(23:24):
are you go to the bathroom? Do you wash your
hands pre post or don't post? It depends, but you
wash your hands in general. So this guy, which I'm
going to call BS on this is our b S
story of the week. But I think he's just trying
to get attention over on Fox and Friends. I don't
watch Fox and Friends. But Pete heg Seth heg Seth
said over the weekend that he doesn't believe germs are real.
(23:48):
Do you believe germs are real? Of course you get sick.
I get sick. You you have a bad immune system,
and I do too, just naturally from all the diseases.
I have diabetes and whatnot. But he says he hasn't
been sick for one reason. And what do you think
that reason is? Because we're talking about it, Let's listen.
As I told you, my resolution is to say things
on air that I say off air. I don't think
(24:10):
I've washed my hands for ten years. I don't really
wash my hands. I inoculate myself. Are not a real thing.
I can't see who is this guy? He's a weekend
anchor on Fox and Friends. But there is no possible
way ten years. That's a very long time, Jake, very
(24:33):
long time. You're telling me. He never want in a
bathroom after using it, including one end, two or three
sometimes has never ever ever, So he is more likely
to wipe his butt and then walk out of the bathroom.
That's what he's saying. First of all, he says germs
are not real, which like, what do you a conspiracy theorist? Also,
(24:53):
I got a conspiracy coming up that I think you'll
be into. But um yeah, I don't believe it. I
I call bs on that Fox and Friends host. Also,
you shower, well, well that's the thing. But showering is
one thing. He's not using the bathroom unless he peas
in the He peas in the shower. He sounds like
a guy that would pee in the shower. Impossibly, I
don't pee in the shower every time the shower. Well
(25:15):
you you're a single guy. You're a single guy, but
still you the toilet is no more than than two
feet away from you. But if I'm how lazy are
you to to to get out of the shower and
pee in the toilet like the rest of human kind.
I think it's eco friendly. I'm saying it's ego saving
(25:35):
water every time you flush the toilet. This is just
a This is one of those things where I normally
don't say, but I wish great Tea was here because
you would have someone on your side. He poops, then
he smushes it down the drain. Both of you can. Oh,
that makes you, both of you, both of you, both
of you need Now let's just say you two are roommates.
(25:57):
You you and great two are roommates, outside of outside
of all the knowing what you know about him. He
poops in the shower, You pee in the shower. Both
use the same shower. Are you still okay with using
the shower? Now? If I learned my roommates pooping in
the shower, I'm moving out. Does your girlfriend know you
pee in the shower? Does she really? Yeah? I have
(26:18):
her on the phone. Um, God, come on, I don't
Why is it gross? It's gross. Guarantee you do not
your your hit rate alone in the toilet. You still
have have leakage in and around the toilet there exactly,
the drain is even smaller. Well yeah, I mean, but
(26:39):
in the shower down so you scrub the bottom of
your shower after you use it. No, but think of
how much time in your life you're wasting by not
peeing in the shower. This is the same guy that
doesn't clean his comforter because he doesn't use it. The
same guy that doesn't doesn't doesn't use the toilet. P
(27:00):
and uses the shower when he's used in the shower.
Have you come to the point where you'll pee in
the shower even when you're not taking a shower? Alright? Alright,
then I would we would have problems. All right. There
is a YouTuber. Let's see if we can get his
name real quick. Um, his name as I pull it up.
His conspiracy though he has a big YouTube channel. You're
(27:21):
into making YouTube channels, Jake, right, and you just started
your own. Well no, you're trying to know I run
our YouTube channel. Well, you also have twenty some things
doing nothing, and you're you're trying to become friends with
all the YouTubers out there so YouTube can learn how to,
uh to better your life and turn it into YouTube channel.
Shane Dawson is his name. He investigates investigating conspiracies with
(27:41):
Jane Dawson. This is right up, great teas Ali too.
But his conspiracy, Jake, have you ever been to Chuck
E Cheese? Have birthday by yourself? Birthday? All right? If
you said by yourself, that would be like, all right,
that's where I call the cops and then NBC. Uh So,
Shane Dawson. His conspiracy is that Chuck E Cheese takes
(28:03):
uneaten pizza slices and uses them to form a new pizza.
I believe it. So when you order pizza, the slices
look mismatching weird, which is true. Uh first he looked
at photos online, then seemed to be true, so he
went and ordered and found the same thing. And uh,
of course Chuck E Cheese says, you're full of crap,
(28:23):
not happening. So this is this is the YouTube video.
Doesn't that If somebody at Chuck E Cheese doesn't finish
their whole pizza and there's like a few pieces left,
the employee will take that took the back, take those
pieces off the trail, and form a new pizza with
all the other leftovers, and then reheat it and serve
(28:46):
it to a new customer. Every piece is a different size.
That piece is longer than that piece, which is shorter
than that piece. These pieces in the back are shorter
than those pieces, and none of the pepperonis. Oh man,
I mean if that's true, yeah, that would be probably illegally.
I think we've proven that these two hats were never together. Okay, well,
(29:13):
germs are not real, so that's not gross. Well, here's
the thing, Like, if you're working at Chuck E Cheese,
there's a good chance you're like in high school. Maybe
I would say, you know, right, So I put it
to the idea that the high schooler doesn't know how
to cut pizza properly. I don't think so, I do.
But it also makes it made me think too, like
(29:34):
have you ever worked in the restaurant business. I've worked
in the ice cream store? Okay, when you well, ice
creams a little different because it's it's it's kind of
like single serve, so it's not like a plate. I'm saying,
like friends who have worked in restaurants before, when there's
like a plate of fries that like look like they've
never been touched, they would go and eat those fries
(29:54):
in the back. But why is that sick? They haven't
touched them? Oh, you don't know if who if they
really touched them, especially if they didn't wash their hands,
or maybe they peed in the shower, if they pee
in the shower and then they touched the French fries.
But but yeah, there's gotta be people out there. I'm
convinced that if you see like a half eaten thing
of pizza, not that you think to put it and
resell it, but you're you're bound to have probably do
(30:16):
it just because they're lazy, not because they don't want to,
not because they're like, oh, we can save the store money.
They're like, oh, I don't want to cook a new pizza.
Let's just put it all together and make a new one.
All right. Let's let's close out the week. See what
else we could find. Uh, let's see Valentine's Day. What
are you doing? Uh? You got plants for Valentine's Day? Yeah,
we're doing a homemade sushi. Oh, homemade sushi. Hopefully I
don't die from bad fish. Did you already buy the fish? No?
(30:39):
I have to go do that all right, so it'll
be fresh, you'll be good. I am doing just dinner
at home because as you and I think you know too,
it's just it's more of Unless you want to spend
a crazy amount of money to go to the same
restaurant you go to every every day of the week
and spend double that money for almost the same food
or maybe a heart shaped pizza, then you know that's
on you. You can have nice home cooked me on you. Uh. No,
(31:03):
I don't cook I'm I'm the worst cook ever. I'm
literally the ali says, I'm not allowed to cook for
for one reason, one reason only. She she she was
cooking pasta. I had one job to do. While she
ran out to go get something that she needed for
the sauce she was making. She goes, just just chop
the cheese that she was putting up making and uh,
(31:26):
and what I heard was put the cheese into the
boiling water. Cheese into boiling water. I heard that. I
swear to God, I heard that. That's what I heard
in my head. And to this day, to the day
I pass on, I'm still sticking to that story. I
put said cheese into the boiling water. Went back to
I think I was playing Xbox. She comes home, What
(31:48):
the f did you do? Me? I did exactly like
you said, al Um, why would you put chunks of
cheese in boiling water? You know what that does? I go,
I don't know why you wanted me to do it,
but I just did it anyway, because I'm a rule follower.
Like you tell me to do something, you do it.
And you tell me to jump off a bridge, I
won't do that. I'll think about it, but I go
(32:11):
why she goes, I told you to move the cheese
away from the boiling water and keep an eye on
the boiling water so it doesn't spill over. For some reason,
what I heard, I'm pretty sure the first time she
said it though, put the cheese in the water. So
I had to scrape the cheese that was stuck to
the bottom of the of the pan out like all day,
(32:33):
and then I had to go back to the store
and buy fresh cheese so she can make for for
the dinner she was making. So that's why I'm not
allowed to cook. Uh let's see. Oh um, all right,
So Jake, you are you're a millennial. Correct. I'm not
gonna make fun of you on this, but I will
ask you a question that they took a survey on,
(32:53):
what extreme thing would you do to get your dream home? Oh?
Dream home has every thing? What's one thing extreme thing? Oh?
I would probably launder money. You were launder money? Okay.
Well of millennial surveys said they would listen to this
(33:14):
song for a week straight. Oh god, Now, if you
don't think this song I'm about to play you could
stand for a week. I'm gonna play for about fifty
seconds and I think you'll give up to you might
even turn off this podcast, and if you do, thank
you for listening. By the way, Uh, but please please
come back next week. But this is the song Millennial
said they were listening to for a week straight in
(33:34):
order for them to get their dream home. A week seven,
seven days a week, a week straight in a room,
nothing else, no human interaction. Man, I've already wanted to
turn off, but I see you can't turn it off.
(33:59):
We should stewart podcasting. How long it would be interesting?
We're still going thirty seconds in Man, it's still going.
There's time seven. Can you do it? I don't know.
(34:23):
I would, I really would, because my dream home is
it's still going extravagant. So you're you're telling me I'm
going to call bs on that there's no way. I'm
sure you would get food. We know you pee in
the shower, so you still two burns, got one stone.
I don't think you'd do it, man, I would my
(34:45):
to get my dream home. I would do a lot
of Here's the thing. I just told you I would
break the law. Yeah you would. Yeah. I can't believe
you said you would launder money. By the way, you
know the I I R. S is going to look
at you as soon as you get your first house.
How did you get that house, Jake? You make four
bucks an hour, yet you have a five million dollar home.
I'd listened to Continent Joe for a week. We'll see that.
That's fine, you're not wondering money. Uh. And by the way,
(35:08):
if you're still with us, thank you very much. We
appreciate it. Uh, let's see. I think, oh, this is
kind of interesting too. Uh. You've watched The Matrix, right,
so Will Smith, who probably has one of the best
Instagram accounts out there. He just puts out this content.
And you, of a man of content, appreciates good content
(35:28):
when you see good content. Uh. He was explaining why
he turned down the role of Neo. He was gonna
play Neo, the role Keanu Reeves had in The Matrix. Uh,
they came to him first and uh, but the problem was,
this is how he was pitched the movie and why
he turned it down and listened to what he did
instead of the Matrix. So after we made Men in Black,
(35:51):
they came in and it was like they had only
done one movie. They did a movie I think it
was called Bound, and they came in and they made
a pitch for the Matrix, and as it turns out,
their geniuses. But there's a fine line in a pitch
meeting between genius and what I experienced in the meeting.
(36:12):
This is the actual pitch that they made for the Matrix. Dude,
we're thinking like, like, imagine you're in a fight and
then you're like jump. Imagine if you could stop jumping
in the middle of the jump, Sam, say that again,
and then we're gonna invent these cameras when people can
(36:32):
see the whole jump while you stopped in the middle
of the jump. So I made Wild Wild West. Then
I rolled into the when I'm not proud of like
you know, you see people on that Monday, I was
walking on hey guys. Sorry, hey listen, I'm working on
(36:54):
on peoples too. Don't worry about it. Sorry, But it
ain't like it would have been that Like Keanu was perfect,
Lawrence Fishburn was perfect. If I had done it because
I'm black, the Morpheus wouldn't have been black because they
were looking at Val Kilmer because I was gonna be Neo.
Val Kilmer was going to be Morpheus. So I probably
(37:14):
would have messed the Matrix up. I would have ruined it.
So I did jaw a favor. Imagine imagine when he
watched the movie and he's like, oh wow, yeah you
got you. Gotta think he watched the Matrix and said, okay,
I left up. I messed up, and now he's like,
I saved you. But in his head he's really like,
but it is true. Like, let's just say he said
(37:35):
yes to play Neo, the whole movie would be different.
It wouldn't be everyone that we saw in the Matrix.
So question would be would it be as good with
Will Smith as it was with Keano Reeves? Makes you
think about that, But let's let's end on that. Jake.
I appreciate you sitting in. You're allowed to. It's not
(37:56):
like you can only come in when no one's here.
But you know, feel free. Thanks did Jeff fun It
was a good time. I love telling the world really
strange things about me. Yeah, we learned you Pete in
the shower. I want to be humped by dolphin and
I'm gonna launch your money. You should have chose the shark,
by the way, Yeah, I should have choose to not
come in here today. It would have showed the whole narrative.
Al Right, twenty somethings doing nothing. Listen to Jake's podcast.
(38:18):
Thank you. It's on iHeart Radio. That's the only reason
why I came in here so I could plug it.
But thank you for listening to the Audio Laboratory. My
name is Garrett. Will be back in two weeks, going
away next week. Yes, thank you for listening. Yet again,
leave those reviews. I don't make any money off them,
but the bosses think I do a good job, so
leave those reviews. Thank you for listening. We'll talk to
(38:39):
you soon.
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