040824 300 Jeff's Bucket of Crap

 A truck carrying 100,000 salmon tumped over and 70,000 went into the wrong river!!!  

Episode Transcript

(00:20):
Is that her name, Mattie,I've got internet again. That's probably a
good sign. All right, whatare you doing radio? Then? Sure?
By the way, we've just beenpassed along this note regarding Rangers Astros
tonight. This comes from one EmilyJones, who advises this that tonight starter
for the Astros, Frambra Valdez hasbeen scratched. Oh he didn't wear his

(00:45):
glasses. Well, scratch a corneafor this. This is a noteworthy because
he is quite the fearsome member ofthe Astros rotation. In fact, there
are two guys on that team thatI really fear, and he is one

(01:06):
of them. Jordan. Yeah.The other is Jordon Olivarez, who hit
the big three run Homer last night. Jerk shouldn't have done that. Yeah,
so uh duly note that as youprepare for Rangers Astros tonight, right
now, it appears as though thatit's time for us to offer up a

(01:26):
little something to somebody. But whatall we have to give is what's in
our bucket. That's right. I'dlike to welcome you to Jeff's bucket of
crap. Hi, Jeff, Hi, groups, I'm trying to sort through
the papers. I know that one'sold, so I think this one's probably
current, and I would like totell everyone that we have some tickets.

(01:49):
Oh and if my paper is theone that I think it's supposed to be,
those tickets are for social distortion andmight not be correct. Eighteen.
Yeah, I'm seeing Patton Oswald onMay third at the Majestic Theater. All
right, that sounds even better.So we will be giving away tickets to

(02:13):
Patton Oswald all week. Sweet.Yeah, this is a new this is
a newer paper here, yep.Yeah. Next time, I'm going to
make sure to put the actual dateof the week that we're supposed to be
reading these. I apologize. Well, I'm a hoarder. Yeah, I'm
a hoarder of papers, and thenevery once in a while I find that
something has expired and it's time toget rid of it. But we do
have tickets to Patton Oswalt, andfor your patients with me sorting my papers,

(02:35):
we're gonna give away a pair rightnow. WHOA you just use the
talkback feature on the iHeartRadio app andsay, hey, I sure would like
to see Patton Oswalt at the MajesticTheater on May third, and then you'll
win. You're the one that isfirst and group sees it and you'll be
the champion. I have a question, Shoot, what's he gonna do there?
Comedy up? You'd recognize him likehe's really funny. Yeah, I

(02:59):
know i'd recognize him. I justdidn't know that's what he did. That's
okay, all right, there yougo stuff. But yeah, mostly a
stand up comedy. All right.While I am doing housekeeping, I would
like to shout out to our friendsat Yo Ranch Steakhouse. Yes, yes,
providing us with the tastiest of disheshere at Clyde Warren Park where I

(03:20):
stared at the sun for a coupleof hours, and I'm going to recover
with some Yo Ranch Steakhouse snackage sevenoh two Ross Avenue down here in Dallas,
in the West end. Man ofHelm, there is one Tony Street.
That is a name that has beeninvolved in the Dallas restaurant scene for
many, many years. This manknows what's up. You can't beat Wyooway

(03:43):
brought up a little something to usearlier. Port belly, oh oh my
goodness. And collared greens. Yes, well, Shooty went ham on those
collared greens. According to my notes. Guys, this guy's been cooking for
a while. Before he was evena teenager. He was cooking chicken fried
steaks at his uncle's Black Eyed Pearestaurant. Oh, my man's been cook

(04:05):
him he has been all right.Welcome we cook. Welcome to Jeff's Bucket
of crap, where Groove surprised usof a situation last week that I plugged
into the run sheet fourteen different times. It's been hilarious watching him move around,
and we never got to it,and now it has to be covered.
The reason it has to be coveredis because I was excited about it.

(04:26):
But the level of excitement that Isaw in our friend TC's eyes every
time that I mentioned that we mighttalk about it was very high. An
amazing story, and I'm not surewhy, but we're gonna find out.
Julie, you'll like this because youlike creatures. I do. I love
creatures. An organ a truck carryingover one hundred thousand salmon, some salmon

(04:47):
walts, oh yeah, crashed andtumped over. Oh no yeah, narl
flopping around one hundred thousand salmon.Now what are we going to do?
You know here, these suckers aresupposed to report unished the local populations in
the Something River. Naha, okay, naha. But how about this little

(05:08):
twist for you. About seventy thousandof those suckers landed in a nearby creek,
like from after they fell out,then they found a creek. They
fell out of the truck, Yeah, into the water. Did they fall
out on like a highway or roads? What's up with the questions? Look,
yeah, yeah it was a road. Yeah, it was a photograph

(05:30):
for you, it's it's an amazingcoincidence that it appears that the crash happened
directly into a body of water.Yeah, and they just got to carry
on. So now they're living theirsecond life. There's second chance of life.
You think they're going to make betterchoices. They didn't. They're gonna
be kinder to their family. Yeah, they did make choices too. I
wonder if the truck driver is gonnamake better choices about not tumping his f

(05:51):
and truck over when he's got cargo. But the salmon thought they were dead,
and no they're live. That's whatI'm saying. That's when you're like,
okay, this is all this isall extra. Now I'm going to
live life on the right side ofthings to be good. I'm giving a
good little fish. Do you thinkwe're gonna swim the right direction? I'm
not gonna try to swim upstream?Or maybe they're all just gonna go screw

(06:13):
it all man, I got asecond chance. Let's gope he'll be one
or the other. Do you thinkit's like a Cat Stevens deal and the
fish will all be Muslim? Nowwhat does that mean? What is any
part of that name? I lovethe aywardness of the joke. I felt
confident that Mike knew what I'm talkingabout. Uh yeah, I just don't
see how it applies to this story. The famous the famous artists you're talking

(06:38):
about. The famous artist Cat Stevenswas caught in the storm out in the
ocean, I believe, and hepromised Allah that if he got him through
this, that he would change hisname the use of Islam and dedicate his
life to the Muslim way. Andhe follow he tours his use of Islam.
Now there's no more Cat Stevens,all right. That brings me to

(07:02):
a question for y'all. What percentageof people that say, please God,
if you'll just then have said thinghappen. What percentage follows through on?
However they end the statement, it'snot as yeah, hardly, idiot.
I can't tell you how many timesI've said that. So, just one

(07:25):
person has ever asked for something,gotten it and followed through on their swear,
Probably probably just Cat Stevens or YusefIslam is probably the only one.
Like, yeah, Mike, howmany times have you been like, oh,
God, if you would just letme and then you promise something and
it doesn't happen, you keep farting. Oh yeah, yeah I do,

(07:47):
Yeah, I do, just keepfarting what he does. So, yeah,
I don't think these salmon were doinganything wrong in life, but it
is a wonderful coincidence for them thatthe dumb ass driving a truck drove too
fast around a kauna, rolled thatsucker on its passenger side, skid it
on its side on the pavement,went over a rocky embankment, rolled onto

(08:09):
its roof, and most of thefishies we're just like, here, have
some water, some water. Now. I wonder if they can survive in
this creek, though they're probably usedto a certain kind of water in the
ocean, the Pacific Ocean, coldwater, that kind of thing, and
all of a sudden you're in acreek. I am impressed by the journalism
involved in what happened here because ofthe exactness of numbers. They say about

(08:33):
seventy seven thousand of the young salmonmade it into the creek and are expected
to return in future years to spawn. It's a weird word. That's like
doing it, right, yep,I think that's fish do it. That's
fish breeding. Fish do not havesuch an afishal they spawned. They don't
have sex in any way that youunderstand. They just spray a chemical into

(08:54):
the water. There's eggs also inthe water in the so that's not even
sex. That's what I'm saying.Fish. Fish do not have sex,
you know the goodness? Yeah,I think the goods They probably don't know
what they're not like tiger, theyprobably don't know what they're what they're missing.
And so that's that's at least alittle bit of a bonus. It's

(09:16):
not like they're yeah around hump andall the time and it's like, but
it's not for you. And Ithink most animals don't like I know that
we're one of the only ones thatdo it for fun, Yeah, which
I've always assumed, meaning that theyprobably don't experience similar sensations around it.
Yeah, or else they I'll bedoing it for fun anymore. If it
was, I think it's just awhole lot more business like what they think.

(09:37):
So yeah, how many species businessarrangement? I think it's awesome dolphins
and that's it. Yeah, dolphins, and dolphins will do it for fun,
dolphins will ripe. Yeah, wellthat's not for fun for all parties
involved. No, no, no, no, it's fun for the taker.
I'm just saying it's a further step. There's very few species that just

(10:01):
because they had some bad parents lookingto have a good time, we'll go
out and make an attempt. It'sjust us and the dolphins on that.
I'm pretty sure. So dolphins sexis forceful, it can be. They
dolmas do that. Yeah, Mike'srug gets really offended by that fact.
But it's a fact. They'll huffpuffer fish like apparently, if you like,

(10:24):
you know, suck out the innardsof a puffer fish, you'll get
a little buzz and they'll just passaround the frightened puffer fish from one to
the other. How do they passit with the yeah yeah, yeah.
They're just bopping around with their nose. Whoa man, weird. Sounds kind
of fun. I mean, notthat what comes after, but at least

(10:45):
the passing around a puffer fish.Imagine if the pot plant that you're smoking
would just go yeah, dude,why you would smoke so much? So
much more that, guys, it'sreally cool. You guys, I have

(11:05):
a family. TC. I hateto go right at your neck over this,
but I am. On sciencing dotcom. They say that all kinds
of things rape, not that word, but that they do recreational and because
it feels good. Okay, I'mglad to learn. They say most animals

(11:26):
aren't smart enough to realize that whatthey're doing is going to create a child.
They're just out there doing what's fun. Surely, dog like dogs hump
a lot. Surely they don't haveintentions of making little dogs every single time.
No, I think most animals haveno idea that's going to be the
result. They're just out there goingyes, yes, yes, yes,
yeah, because they enjoy it.But are they doing there feeling satisfied?

(11:46):
They do it because they enjoy itor because they're just support supposed to that's
kind of what I'm getting at.Are they experiencing pleasure? Uh so,
they say on sciencing dot Com.Well, it's difficult to ask animals if
they enjoy doing the deed. That'strue. Quick look at their behavior,
good point. Quick look at theirbehavior shows that at the very least most

(12:09):
mammals and birds experience sexual pleasure.Okay. When it comes to the question
of whether or not they have thatpleasure, the answer is simple. Most
animals wouldn't take time out for doingit if it didn't feel good. They
certainly don't choose to have sex inorder to make babies, as they're not
capable of understanding reproduction. All mammalshave the physiological capacity for because TC said,

(12:39):
for an organism, but if youhasn't farted in a couple of days.
But oh okay, and then youget to going to the end of
the requisite of course to get micin the right head space. Thank you,
I'm happy to retract my class.There's been a lot of research done
here. All mammals have the capacityfor fay because they all have a pain

(13:01):
or clytori all right, and evidencesuggests they all experience it. Research with
female macaques recorded muscle contractions, facialexpressions, and vocalizations that demonstrated they do
indeed reach the pinnacle. Uh,that sounds gross. I would like to

(13:31):
see some of these demonstrations. There'stoo far, too far. I'm not
part of th game. Just dothem in. I just want to hear
that drop. Yeah. Uh.Both sexes of many primates, including virtually

(14:07):
all of the monkeys, seek outmales and females for sexual encounters, have
sex even when they could not possiblyreproduce, such as during pregnancy, intend
to resort to it to ease hightension social situations. This alright, I

(14:33):
guess he's pulling out. Are youglad you did the story? I'll be
honest. When we were first startenaround with it is an idea for a
segment that salmon fell off a boatinto a creek, I didn't really see
why our excitement level was so high, and I couldn't have predicted the route
it would taste. But in hindsight, now, yes, aren't you little

(14:58):
pleased? You blown away a bitby the idea that there's just I mean
like it's a it's a regular it'sa regular eighteen wheeler that I would I
always see them and think that they'recarrying gas like the eighteen wheelers carrying a
liquid. Yeah, that's weird.And it was full of fish, and
it was just full of salmon.And maybe sometime you've been on the road
traveling next to one hundred thousand salmon. This is it just full of water

(15:20):
like a big aquarium. Yeah,I think there's nottually some water, but
then it's nut to butt salmon,right, and it just you would think
ninety nine percent of the time ifyou crash, it's not going to spill
all the contents into a river.Yeah. The number of things that have
had to have happened. So nowthat this creek is going to be just
filled with salmon and it's a regularcreek that I think they were happy with

(15:43):
the salmon levels in general. Sonow it's just going to be oh,
so many years from now, there'sso much spawning, a stunning amount of
say, better start building resorts now. Yeah, everyone's going to be flogging
to this creek. Yeah, allthe fishermen. That's going to be the
hot spot. Yep. That'd beone of those places where you pay for
the fishing guide who's like I guaranteeyou will make the limit, and they'll

(16:03):
tell you it's because literally there's moresalmon than water in here. Yeah.
Can you just stick your hands theyall fell out truck twenty years ago,
and take your hand pull them outof the water. Yeah, that's what
I like to do. That's noodling. I believe in the history class in
college, they told me that's howall of America was before the white man
arrived? Is it? It wasjust fish? Every river it's more fish
than river. I will tell youthat, every forest nothing but deer.

(16:26):
That's believable to me because that's aguy. I think the white Man made
better. What's that less fish?Killed all the fish? I'd like to
go back. What do you meanby that statement there was too many fish?
Uh? Well you're happy now.I do question because I was around,
so I wouldn't know. Yeah,as a guy who's just seen Castaway

(16:48):
and watched Tom Hanks try to speara fish and at first he wouldn't very
good at it, and eventually hebecame very good at it. M hm,
I bet there must have been waymore fish, because there's no way.
People were just real good at it. Yeah, a sucker, too
quick man, that's all they couldeat. You can't convince me that you're
good enough to just stand out thereand cat I got one, God,
I got another one. No way, not unless there's way too many.
Yeah, just blindly swinging. Yeah, they just couldn't move. Yeah,

(17:11):
they were just stuck, just allsitting there, spawning on each other.
Group sex is a thing for mammals, uh, from monkeys to livestock,
wooly spider monkey males line up peaceablyto take their turns with ladies who are
in heat. No is this taketheir turn with the same lady. I

(17:37):
think what we're saying here is thisis a chew chew situation for every lady
involved. Like have you ever seenthe Houston five hundred? What does that
mean? Oh no, no,I haven't. Well, Houston's a lady's
name, five hundred, domesticated goahead of the curve on this. It

(18:00):
was a it's a pretty dirty film. It was classic. It was it
was the kind of stuff that itwas your heyday of Dirty Mike, when
people were handing you DVDs every timeyou were in public. Ye, it
would have never done that. Itwould have surely been one of the DVD's
they're handing you. I don't recallthat one, did you guys get I
didn't watch them all? Did youguys know they did watch them all?

(18:22):
The sentence was going so good,Julie was feeling safe, we were all
fine, and then you said themall? Did you guys know one time
two male bears from a zoo andcroatia were caught, oh, engaging in
the oral. Wow, they werecaught. I didn't know that. And

(18:48):
now they're traumatized and their shame andpleasure senses are cross wired. It's tough.
Uh, And they were not thefirst to that party. Oral is
well documented, and mammals as diverseas rats, fruit, bat's, horses,
goats, dolphins, most primates,cheetahs, sheep and no way,
Yeah, yeah, goats, goatsdon't do that, and that is wrong

(19:22):
on this one. And uh,there are lots of animals that do solo
action as well. Wow. Virtuallymales of virtually all primate, bird,
rodent, and livestock species, aswell as deer, orcas, dolphins,
and many other species who've been caughtin the act of helping themselves. The
males love to handle up. It'sin our nature, so leave us alone.

(19:45):
A male We're at Clyde Warren Parkand there was an eclipse, but
we're still here. Come hang outwith us. That's a radio segment.
I lost my live my live spotsheet, so if it's me, could you
all right? Kicking ass? Comingup next, it is time to go

(20:06):
Hollywood swinging jewels where we headed?Do you ever just want to throw something?
Yep, that's next