041024 300 Jeff's Bucket of Crap

Jeff has a grilled cheese nugget for you! How did the animals at the Fort Worth Zoo react to the eclipse? Are schools about to lose Lunchables? 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Jose La Clerk pitches as well asI maintain a marriage. Jeff, happy
roament on to you and happy yousaid it like a pro. It's the
Speakeasy on ninety seven one the Freak. Welcome, my brother. All right,

(00:26):
we are into the three o'clock hour. Good afternoon to each and every
one of you. It is theSpeakeasy, and we're here for you until
six o'clock tonight. Got a littleHollywood swinging coming up here in the second
half of the hour. But rightnow there is something we must give.
All we have to give is what'sin our bucket. All right, we

(00:48):
do have to put a bow oneclipse coverage. There's just one more thing
that I hadn't gotten to. Butfirst I have a nugget for you.
Okay, all right, let's nugup. Are you guys ready for a
grilled cheese nugget? Sure sounds kindof like a tease. I don't know,

(01:10):
but grilled cheese or a real nugget, I'll go along. Hungry,
I'm in. I don't think youget all of that response from each of
us. I was hoping Americans eatenough grilled cheeses each year to fill nine
hundred Olympic swimming pools. WHOA,that's my nugget for you. That's pretty

(01:34):
good. Okay. So isn't thegrilled cheese kind of a kid thing?
WHOA, Wow, I don't know. I'm asking chess, I'm asking it
can be. It can be avery prevalent kid thing. It's something that's
very easy to make, and thatthey're hungry and they're you know, irritable,

(01:55):
and you need something quick to calmthings down a little bit. Grilled
cheese will suffice nicely. Yeah.And Jeff, the fact that you love
it point even further. That isyour only argument here, and that is
my only argument. You eat likea child, though. I love grilled

(02:16):
cheese. That's so good in anyform, in any form, well,
not in any form like craft singles. Yeah. Rolled on to a piece
of white bread on a skillet.No, I've stepped my bread game up
over the years. I'm a honeywheat guy. Yeah, I can get
honeywheat at the story. Yeah yeah, yeah, because I don't actually want

(02:36):
wheat bread, right, but Idon't want people to see me buying white
That's why I do the same formy children. Well, it's actually got
like the chunks of crime. Notvery good. It's discussed. White bread
is so much better, but onlylike people that aren't worried about their healthyat
white bread. Apparently we've been shamedout of white bread. Yeah, so
now it's only honey wheat, whichis probably what like, it's probably white

(02:59):
bread with like a little brown eye, and that's probably mostly white bread.
Straight up? We got no?Yeah, yes, I like the stuff.
Yes, I like the stuff.You don't like the stone little seeds
and stuff? Yes, yes,yes I do. I'm very impressed.
But you right now, are you? Yes? I didn't let the record

(03:23):
show that would be doing this forhow long before this moment came around.
I didn't know that your palette hadit in it. It'll surprise you,
not often, but it will everynow and then. Bread shouldn't have crunch.
I don't mind the crunch at all. But you don't like Do you
like raisins in your bread? Yeah? Wow, I can take that sophisticated

(03:50):
look at this guy. No,I don't want to. They're only there
are only two options when you purchasebread, and that is either Sarah Lee
or nature's own honey wheat. Yep, I do like bread and that is
the secret of grilled cheese. Thesecret is in the simplicity. I like

(04:11):
bread, I like cheese, Ilike butter, and I like warm food.
Then that is the grilled cheese.Yeah, okay, maybe the best
sandwich in all the land. Maybethe grilled cheese. Maybe possible. The
average American eats thirty six grilled cheesesa year. I don't are you above

(04:36):
or below that? I'm proud tobe pulling that number up. The average
American eats thirty six grilled cheeses ayear. Yep, so like every other
week, basically a little more,little more. Yeah, yeah, I'm
about two every three weeks. Yeah, I didn't even know that the average
American eats grilled cheese. Well yeah, that's a good question, is how,
Because it could be it could bethat the average American doesn't eat grilled

(04:59):
cheese. The average American who doeseats seventy two a year. Right,
you're seventy five a year. Rah, I had to last week two grilled
cheeses. So how do you thinkthat impacted the average I don't think they
knew, Like, how do theyknow? Like you can't just base it
off ingredients bought at the grocery store. I could do many things with all

(05:21):
of you. They do research intothese things. I was never pulled cheese
surveys. I wasn't cold or surveygrilled cheese Census. I was never since
s ide, nobody sensed me.It's the last question on the census each
year, do you like grilled cheese? Just for this one particular survey.
It's when they mailed out a census, it said, like on the envelope,

(05:44):
there is a grilled cheese question inhere. I would fill that out.
It would be the first Census Ifilled out. Do you like grilled
cheese? I do very much.Do you eat them often? Quite?
Yeah? So anyway, that's agrilled cheese nugget for you. Yeah,
there's a grilled cheese nugget if I'veever heard one. I like that nugget.

(06:08):
That was a good nugget. Noteveryone likes grilled cheese. But what
everyone does like is Patton Oswalt Oh, who will be performing at the Majestic
Theater on May third? Why areyou laughing? Pro Broadcast Broadcaster Groups only
had to save my ear six timesduring the segment to give me to get
to this. If you like PattonOswalt. You don't have to like grilled

(06:30):
cheese. If you like Patton Oswalt, or if you don't, but you
would like to go anyway at theMajestic Theater. May third sending a talk
back on the iHeartRadio app. It'sthe red microphone. Just use that feature
and send in your name, youremail address, your phone number, and
say I sure would like those PattonOswalt tickets that you guys have, Thank

(06:53):
you very much. That exact scriptgroups, yep, is how they're gonna
win. Otherwise they're rejected. That'sright. With prejudice, that's right,
or without I'm not sure which oneis worse. Well, you don't want
to be prejudice. What did theanimals do during the eclipse, we wondered.
By the way, Julie your inmatequestion, I did see one thing.

(07:14):
There was at least one group ofinmates that did get to watch the
eclipse. Yeah, because they knewthey weren't going to be allowed to watch
the eclipse, so they sued theprison. YEP. The prison was like,
we'll settle they we'll take you outsidewith some glasses, we'll let you
watch the eclipse. Yeah, theycame up with all sorts of stupid reasons,
like they were like one guy waslike, it's a religious reason,
I need to see it, Andanother guy came up with some other ones

(07:34):
and so they you know how youdo that trick or you make it sound
like it's you're infringing on my rights. You're in prison, bro, have
a right for totality, Yeah,I need total right to eclipse. Well,
we did wonder what would happen whenit got dark outside with the ammals,
and we have some answers. Yeah, we have some answers from the

(07:56):
Fort Worth Zoo. I would likeyou to listen up and we'll hear what
happened. We actually observed quite afew behavioral changes during the eclipse, especially
at totality, and a lot ofthose behaviors had to do with typical evening
or nighttime behaviors. So some ofour nocturnal species like owls and our ringtails,
which is a small species of mammal, actually woke up. They were

(08:20):
pretty quiet or sleeping during the day, and as it got dark they woke
up like they normally would at night. And some of the other species,
like our flamingos, actually started showinggroup bonding behaviors where they all stood up
and started marching together. And thena lot of the animals actually moved towards
where they shift in at night,where they get their dinner, and usually

(08:41):
where they spend the evening, sothey were kind of anticipating being let in
for the evening. That is sofascinating. So no wolves were howling?
It was it really like something crazylike that. Julie left in the last
question without the answer just because sheliked the question. So no wolves were
howling, like we could put thatbefore who? Yeah? Who did they

(09:05):
say? Was marching? Flamingos?Yeh, flamingos marched? They showed like
the signs of companionship, not togetherand started marching. Who decided that they
march and not walk? Like?Are they doing a real high leg lift
on each step? Who decides they'remarching instead of walking? So I think
they lift their legs up very high. Okay, well, And then the

(09:28):
nocturnal ones, those who were asleep, that's unfortunate, and they're like,
hey, what is it? Yeah, you're the owl, and you're like,
all right, it's time to comeout. You stretch a little bit
and you do two flaps you getairborne, and then it's bright again,
and you go what you turn backaround it? So I go ahead and
sleep, scratch your but whatever owlsdo when they wake up. Aren't you

(09:52):
so glad we're smarter than all them? Yeah, we do. The whole
time. They did it a littlebit in some ways about the clips.
Yeah, Like when it went totallythey must have too. They must have
known then they knew something was up. Yeah, but when it went dark,
they're stupid enough to think it wasnight time. We didn't. We

(10:13):
didn't know. We didn't think itwas We didn't all just fall over and
go to sleep on the air whenit went totality, Like, well,
I guess you know, I shouldn'tbe here. Maybe we should have.
That'd been cool. I also likedthat that was really fascinating. Maybe I
was just kind of infatuated with thisinterviewer. That's what the animals did.

(10:37):
Everybody was and then important the poordaytime animals are out there and you got
stick and you're playing with the dirtand drawing up football plays or whatever.
If you're a gorilla and it getsdark and you're like all right, you
drop your stick. He walk backto the barn and wait from open the
door. They don't open the door, and by the time you get there
it's light again. You turn backaround, like, Okay, I guess

(10:58):
I'll stay. What if that gorillahas the key to the Cowboys defense and
we just don't even know it.Whatever, it's like a little gorilla savants
in the fort where Zoo that knowsall the Cowboys plays that they really need
to be doing. Whatever he drewin the dirt with his stick, it

(11:18):
was a better plan than either MikeMcCarthy or Dan quinn had against Green Bay.
Whatever it was. Uh, movingon back to in the grilled cheese
vein. Pretty much school cafeterias havea version of lunchables that they serve for

(11:39):
the kids at school, and aconsumer watchdog group has had enough. They
say those things are packed with toomuch sodium and they should not be a
part of school programs. And muchlike the grilled cheese, I just saw
this and I thought to myself,if there's something we're not gonna do,

(12:00):
what day the week is it?Wednesday? Is this something we're not going
to do on a Wednesday? It'sslander lunchables on my watch? Guess what
I put in my kids lunches thismorning, Lunchable. Yes, yeah,
so you're crushing ites and fruit onthe side. Oh that's so fascinating,
so fascinating. Now, if itwere Thursday, could we slander them then?

(12:24):
Probably not Friday, you could getaway with it because I'm looking forward
to the weekend. But midweek mightnot care quite so much. Correct,
But midweek we will not slander lunchable, especially the ham and cheddar or turkey
and Chad's what they got today?Ham and cheddar. That's ham and milk.
That's a good with a vanilla cookie. That's an ass cookie. But

(12:45):
I mean, what are you gonnado. It's just in the lunchible.
It's so much more exciting though.Yeah, it's just that you can put
anything in the lunch. But butyou're eating your crackers and your meat and
you're like, oh my gosh,there's dessert. Yeah, it can be
an ass cookie and you'll get realexcited. So now your kids can't answer
the question what about ham? Theycan ask them tonight. Yeah, please
do yeah, roll on it.Remind me, I will please do that.

(13:07):
In report back. We need toknow. Yeah, I don't slander
lunchables. Lunchable is a wonderful snack. Now, if you're talking about like
the lunchible where you pretend that you'remaking a pizza, Yeah, those are
good. That's awful. That's bad. The kids love those two. It's
like they're little chefs. I mean, unless you're gonna put a microwave inside
the packaging, it's just a coldpizza. No, we're not doing cold

(13:30):
pizza. We don't do cold pizza. All right. Cold pizza is bad.
People need to know that the kidslike it. Today, I declare,
what am I to believe? Here? She says they're good, You
say they're awful. Okay, let'sbring Michael one in my fridge. Which
one of us you want to tryit tomorrow? Has the better palate?
Dude, who do you think it'sme? I don't necessarily believe that I'm

(13:52):
fine. My palate is very sophisticated. I need a lot of vegetables.
I had vegetables. Well, Ilike vegetables too. See, I want
to know if Mike would like thecold lunch Abule's pizza, and I will
bring it tomorrow, all right,and you can try it at the beginning
of our show. I will askalso ask my children what about him?

(14:13):
Tonight? Will report back Tomorrow isshaping up to be a shock. It's
gonna be big. I can't waitto hear their answers. And you don't
get to set it up. Youdon't get to do anything except hit the
record button on your MP three thingon your phone and say what about Ham?
What about Ham? I'll do that. Are you all gonna ask anybody?

(14:33):
And don't let them be standing?I do have trivia night tonight.
I'll be around people. I canask them what about Ham? Ask some
It's better if it's like strangers,But yeah, I can ask strangers what
about hairsk strangers? What about Ham? Tonight? Bank at tomorrow shows?
What about Ham? How are yougonna ask what about Ham? To?
I don't know if I'm gonna bearound any strangers tonight, but if i
am, I will ask them whatabout him? Oh? I don't like

(14:54):
you giving yourself an out already?How about you knock on a neighbor's door.
It's getting ready to get shot aroundhere. No, he knows his
neighbors. We saw one of themthe other day and she was like,
Mike, I'm your neighbor. Yeah, yeah, they opened the door.
Oh gosh, Hi, Mike,how are you? What about hand?
What about Ham? What? He'sgonna do it? He'll do it all

(15:20):
right, I'll figure this something.What about Ham? Oh? I mean
those are pretty nice last words.If you gotta go, Mike, how
much do I have to give yourrelatives, Jordan, everybody for if I'm

(15:46):
still alive when you pass, I'llpay for the headstone and it'll say Mike
Riner with the dates? What aboutHam? How much? If it were
up to me, it won't be. But if it were, i'd let

(16:08):
you do that for nothing. Ineed to clear this with Jordan. Yeah.
Yeah, you're gonna have to workher a little bit. Jordan,
how much for what about Ham?We can even put it on the back,
like we can do whatever you wanton the front, and on the
back we'll do what about Ham?She might be a little tough on this,
but let me see if I can'tsoften her up a little bit.
This is gonna be fun. Whatabout Ham? Doesn't all get hurt too

(16:41):
bad? Kind of grazed him?Yeah, we didn't hear him fall to
the floor or anything like that.Yeah, I love that. His reaction
to getting shot at who Well,that's an incredibly damn underwhelming but shout out

(17:06):
to grilled cheese, lunchables, andanimals. I think that might set a
new standard for the fuck it myself. You have my word that I will
be that loaded with content. Ithought it went coming up next to Time
to Go Hollywood Swing and jewels.What are we doing? Well, I

(17:27):
think we're going to continue to keepthings weird. Let's explore Little Dicky's thoughts
on Tavis and sleep divorce,