The Opener: April 5, 2024

Here's the opening segment for Friday April 5th, 2024, featuring an amazing athletic feat accomplished by one of the members of our show 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Beans. So why are you me? I hear me me wanting beans?
For some reason, our song isnot playing. Do yeah doo doo doom
doom doo doo doom doom doom doomdoom. B surpriy mother fry can take

(00:43):
up. That's your improvod. It'sFriday, April fifth. Hell? Yeah?
Oh uh? Eclipse day? EclipseHell is it? No? No?

(01:10):
I thought it was today. Icleared the decks. No yet,
my glasses are on. Don't youhave to have your glasses on the whole
time? Buddy? Are you wearingyour eclipse glasses right now? You don't
have to look at me and seehow gorgeous I am with your eclipse glasses.
Way better, amazing, way better. I don't even have eclipse glass.

(01:33):
I'm just trusting. I gonna handme eclipse glasses on Monday. Do
you have an extra set? Ido extra sets? Uh? Yeah,
I think I have like five extrasets. I want one. They came
in a pack of six. CouldI have all five? Well? That
doesn't feel like that's gonna be good. We're looking for the safety of everyone.
If I run into people who don'thave them, that I can hand

(01:53):
them to them. Well, youprotect strangers over your friends. I mean,
you're in radio. What's that mean? Anything? That means nothing?
You burn your eyes out. We'refine. All you need is your talent
hole down here. But how didI watch the game last night? It
is a little monster. What happened? Yeah, my little throatole, my

(02:14):
little gagger, sweet little throat hole. As long as you got that,
you can get pretty much whatever youneed done, according to these only fan
stars who are just racking it in. Do you ever think about that?
What? Whatft? Hanging dong ononly fans? Dude? I don't want

(02:35):
to do that, but if itresorted to that, I absolutely think it
would be in play because I thinkit's automatic one million dollars. No,
not for us, It's not howthat works. Oh, there's a reason
that traditionally the male porn stars makeabout I think what five to ten percent?
Yeah, okay, but give usboobies. Does that change it?

(02:58):
No, nobody will see Nobody wantsto see our man breasts. It's like
the vagina is like the hottest thingever, it's got problems of its own.
So yeah, I agree to disagreeDanny's Yeah, okay, Well I'm

(03:20):
just saying. But then again,you know, if you've never been to
the Empire State Building and you getthe Leaning Tower of Dallas, I bet
that looks pretty kick ass. Yeap, yeah, man, look at that
building. That thing is huge leaningover. I mean I bet you could
get probably two hundred and fifteenth tofive hundred bucks a month. Yeah whom

(03:45):
he or all of us normal normal, innocent man dudes. I mean you
have a little you know, justyou're not completely unknown in this town.
Oh yeah, that was a borderline. Yeah, well, you think
we could like individually make five hundreddollars a month doing what like a week
beef shots baby meat shots. Butisn't the strategy that you start small and

(04:13):
lure them in? Yeah, Ithink, and then tease them. And
that's why you see it is true. All you kind of have is a
big finish line. Yeah. Oh, speaking of that the others, Yeah,
that the finish line is another option. What's that? Is that?
A thing like videos of Oh?Yeah, I thought you were talking about
the shoe store in towny small hereit is at finish line. I'm here

(04:38):
again, guys. Here's my thing. Tip me the bell fans. These
are new sambas. In red,you're dis kinted Easter Day rate. You
know, there's all those types ofdeals that you have to make that that

(04:58):
kind of sucks people in. Butalso I think you dress it up.
For instance, I would have alot of golf videos, you know,
only so what you're saying is likea slow zoom down and you're looking,
oh, look at his grip,but hanging behind the grip out of focus.
Okay, because we're focused on thegrip, you see the penis,

(05:21):
oh the junk. But people arelike, I just got a really good
golf tip. I'm now way bettertee to green than I ever was.
Am I wrong? Guys? Yeah? Yes, I think the key with
only fans is you actually can't likefor four dollars a month, right,

(05:43):
I mean you could have the DannyBalist only fans and it is just what's
going on in your life and behindthe scenes stuff and two ninety nine a
month, right, something something verylittle. I mean that's what when they
switched. They wanted to switch itoff of being a porn site. Yeah,
that was their idea, And thereis probably some that do that where
it's like I'm a fan of LeoDiCaprio. Let's say, and I kind

(06:04):
of want to see what he's doingin his house and hey, that's his
girlfriend. Oh my god, he'sat this club. Cool, Like you
get insight into the life of someonethat you actually are interested in. There
is either a market for that orpeople on only fans who use it as
that. No meat necessarily it wasan adult exclusive content. Good lord,

(06:26):
No, it's not excluded. Imean I think they started it as with
what I just said is the ideafor it, and then within one hour
it was t's and v's and d'sand big, big beautiful bees, big
bouncing, beautiful bubble bees. Andthen the only fans people are like,

(06:46):
oh, oh, so that itspiral out of control. And then remember
was it three years ago or something. Yeah, they're like, we're gonna
class it up, we're gonna turnit into this. And that lasted about
a week. Oh not even andthey're like, bad idea, jeans.
But so if you would do that, you know, you do some behind
the scenes studio stuff or radio stuffyor just Malcolm, I don't know.

(07:10):
You know, you're not asking forthe world. If you for a couple
of bucks a month and someone whocares about you was like, yeah,
I want to stay up on this. You've got to be pretty. You've
got to maintain it, though,you know, you'd have to give them
no pretty regular content, probably daily, because everybody wants content. It's an

(07:30):
I didn't even know what that word. By the way, I don't think
that word was even important content inmy hemisphere until about I don't know,
year and a half ago. Likeevery other word around here is content.
Well, look there's a place thatwith another word. Well, I mean
also creator creator? Are you acontent? Are you an influencer and influencer?

(07:57):
We're not seen as radio host,we're seen as influencers when to the
company. Yeah, but when itcomes to advertising, yeah, yes,
I don't put the hell they don'twhen they want to pitch a new client,
you're not a spokesperson for that client. You're you're an influencer. We
have an influencer. You never heardthat word? Are you serious? I

(08:18):
promise you that's the vernacular in everypitch. I also do not open my
company email. Yes, yes,because I do not remember my email.
It's really hard. But influencer waslike a joke word a couple of years
ago, like oh my god,kill me. And now it's like a
profession depending on what age. Littleprofession, You're right, but like a

(08:41):
joke word not the gen z.Oh yeah, that is their hopes and
dreams. When Java John was,you know, doing regular spots and I
was doing reads for for them,I would get emails from Jasmine and because
once a month they'd want me athome, going, hey, I got
the new Java John's roast, andI mean, dude, Java John's is

(09:03):
awesome. And yes, I'm notjust a spokesperson. I'm also a client.
Love the coffee. But you know, it's talking about whatever. I
need a sixty second influencer video forour web based content. I'm like,
oh my god, I just reallywant to come in here and talk about,
you know, the MAVs and themost important thing in the world.

(09:26):
I don't know what this content andinfluencing means, but well you can sure
get left in the dust if youdon't brush up, brush up. I
feel bad for Reiner, you know, yeah, yeah, so much has
changed that guy's life. We've beenat meetings when he's forced to go to
the TikTok instruction video uh huh,or a instruction seminar, and I'm confused,

(09:50):
right, and I'm like barely keepmy little nose above the surface of
the water, breathing, trying tostay alive, and watching him is like
looking at a cat staring at acucumber, which is kind of why I
think I don't feel bad for himin that case. I remember that we
had had a big meeting where theywere telling us a lot of things.
This was back when they were reallyemphasizing on us saying our names, which

(10:11):
we don't do enough. I actuallyagreed with that meeting, or with some
of the things that mean we shouldsay our names more often. There are
new people listening every day. Everytime someone says a bad joke, I
reseid all of our names. Okay, don't turner. Danny bay Less is
here on Mike's roy But I rememberMike and Bo Roberts from The Bow and
Jim Show on Lone Star were sittingin the back, and boy, they

(10:37):
were hypnotized. I don't think they'dever had to be in a meeting like
that before. And we all thoughtit was about us. They had every
station in there but us, becauseword neurotic as hell. We struggled about
us I think no, they weretelling all of us to do better.
That's all it was. It's allthat meeting was about do better all of
you. But I don't notice thatjust gonna finck. I kind of don't

(10:58):
feel because Mike just sit in theback. Cannot me sit in the back,
act like I'm better than it din my hand looking at my phone.
I would have gotten called out andsaid to give an example, you
know, But Mike does just sitback there and kind of he doesn't look
at his phone, you know,But what's he just I'm not even I
think he's just thinking about the Rangersprobably, you know, I wouldn't blame

(11:20):
him. Like, what are youeven saying? I don't have TikTok,
I don't have the app, Idon't have any of that. I'm not
gonna do not do what you're saying. I don't follow and I'm not the
one you're even trying to get todo it. Do you really think that,
Yeah, like us have a chance. Maybe he's doing radio twenty years

(11:41):
out of our target demographic, right, you know, right, it is
kind of weird. Yeah, dude, it's and I think we'll all get
to that point to where you getto the age where I'm you the advancement
of the world. I think formost people will cut off at a certain
age where you just bury your headin the sand and AI means nothing and

(12:05):
TikTok means nothing, and you justshut it off to where this is how
I'm going to be until I dieand I'm not letting anything else in.
I'm done. Do you have anyfriends with zero social media? Yeah,
our buddy Troy, we had agolf with none. He's never had it.
Okay, that's incredible. Have aFacebook, but you know, I

(12:31):
don't know. He doesn't ever lookat it. He doesn't know Twitter anything.
And he listens, you know,to us, and so he's up
enough on everything, but there'll besomething that to us is just conversational common
knowledge and he's like, wait,what is this? And it seems so
peaceful. That's how my parents are. My parents are Danny's age. I
mean you know, yeah, Imean that they don't. I mean,

(12:52):
it's different out there, but theydon't. Never, never really wanted to
Kevin. You may or may notremember this story. Do you remember Joel
that used to work overnight? Saidthe ticket Janista Georganesta. Yeah, he
was awesome. Rest in peace,by the way. But on nine to

(13:16):
eleven, he went on a campingtrip in Colorado for like a week,
and he got in his car todrive back from the camping trip, and
it was I think it was likethe day or two after nine eleven had
happened, and he'd never turned thenews on his radio, he never looked

(13:37):
at anything on his phone, ifhe even had a phone that would give
you news like that, and basicallydrove, if I remember this rite,
basically drove from Colorado to Dallas andnever knew that it had happened until someone
he saw somebody talking about something,or he's like, what are you talking
about right now? He's like,oh, yeah, the twin towers nine

(13:58):
to eleven. He's like what?And how many days was it? It
was like at least at least oneor two, maybe even more. But
he he camped through nine to elevenand had no idea that it had happened
until like two or three days after. God's beautiful, It's beautiful. Meanwhile,
there's me watching for the fifty thousandthtime a plane flying into a building,

(14:24):
followed by another plane flying into abuilding, followed by one building smashing
to the ground, followed by anotherone where those images are just embossed into
your brain. But you were justliving your life too when that happened.
Was just social media. Now welearn of so much through a quick look
at our phone without even having theability to dive in or like even then

(14:46):
that day, you were just hangingout. You were just Danny, you
were getting up. You're probably hungover, there's no question. Tuesday morning you
stayed up for the big Monday nightfootball game. Yeah, I didn't even
wake up Panthers and Bill. Ihad to wake up to a phone call
from corby Jake Delone versus Jpman Mondaynight, the calls I had to wake

(15:11):
up, Yeah, tell me aboutto turn on the TV because their subplane
had flown into the first tower.So I didn't even see or hear about
the first one until it had alreadyhappened. See, and then there's Joel
sitting by a babbling broken and truepeople. My life was forever changed,

(15:31):
and that day was changed, andthe next month was changed or whatever.
We were the way we conducted ourday to days, we would have texted.
But yeah, he picked up thephone and called you. He did,
which is even that is a formof communication. This far more meaningful
than the text. And I amtrying to weed out all phone calls like

(15:54):
I don't like it, but manand I don't know. Oh no,
man, geez, something miraculous happenedyesterday. Guys. Oh no, Mike,
don't do it. Did you performa miracle? I understand how that
would be a logical guess, butno, it was not me this time.

(16:18):
Okay, but I saw it.You saw a miracle kind of But
I know a miracle happened. Wasit a golf miracle? I don't like
the way you asked that question.Well I'd ask you to ask it again.
I know that you ding Dongs playedgolf yesterday? Is everybody you guys
real excited? See you? Ofcourse? Bro? When I'm leaving,

(16:40):
Yeah, bro, course, bro, and many Steven's right, cool,
cuck cool, I'll put it inmy map. We high five, and
then what do we do? Thenwe invited you to come with us a
special ride along experience. It wasa very flimsy invite. I don't play.

(17:02):
Just ride along with this. Man. Imagine there's a park you could
go to, okay, just apark on a perfect day and they give
you a tiny little car. It'slike an outdoor car, and you can
just cruise up and down hills.See some lakes, look at the trees.
Stop, there's a squirrel. Butyou're in a little car, so
you can go wherever you want.You can go on this giant park anywhere
you want. That sounds fun rightthere, doesn't it? It does no

(17:23):
magical park. I've done the ridealong on the golf and I gotta say,
after about three holes, you're kindof like over it. Well,
there's a cooler there too, ifyou like you know what I'm saying,
though I'm not look if you're notplaying, you feel I feel like a
third wheel. I feel like anintrusion. Nobody lets me drive the cart.

(17:47):
You guys, I know, Iknow the cart paths, I know
those cars. I know this directline to you know my lie is over
there. It's you don't know howto get to Obi there. I am
how to get to Oh Bright.You know if I'm dat, someone has
no idea driving down? No stop, I'm going there. I want to

(18:07):
go home. And then no,you can't go here, And then the
cart's beeping again asking you to reverseout of everything. So by the third
hole you feel kind of like ahostage. Yeah, and you're so far
away from your car at that pointyou can't just leave. Yeah. Yeah,
the third hole yesterday, you havenearly been a thousand yards away in
my car. I don't know whatdirection it is, because you got we
have been winding through this party.There's trees. The third hole yesterday,

(18:33):
you would have been dodging the viciousrottweiler that was coming at us. Okay,
okay, she really jumped at me. Okay. Kevin is somewhat famously
scared of dogs and water and maybeall animals. We don't know. And
I completely missed this, but theyhe comes up to the green and he's

(18:53):
got crazy eye and he's freaking out. He's like, we we just got
attacked by a dog. I'd say, like that, well maybe I did.
Yeah. He four putted and he'slike, I can't, I can't
breathe. I don't know what,you know, I don't know what's happening.
And I didn't see any of this, but apparently this crazy dog,
Troy verified the story, ran acrossthe street, was like showing its teeth.

(19:15):
Kevin. He was came running frombehind the brush, and for a
second it looked like it was tryto rape me. Okay, and Kevin
flashed his teeth. That doesn't meanrape. Jumped at us and Troy quick
quick turn of the cart. Whatand he looked at me and he goes,

(19:37):
excuse it. And then that dogwas kind of tricked. He was
tricked by the change of direction,and it was holy crap, man,
that dog jumped at us. Howclose did the dog get I would say
within two feet three feet, aboutfifty to add about fifty to this four

(19:59):
five feet. That's so I knowyou're up. He's not at the at
least. And it probably wasn't evena dog. Probably a dog was a
small cat and it was a bigdog. It didn't show its teeth when
you see a dog. Wasn't aRottweiler. I think it was a Roler

(20:21):
pit bull mix. Okay, Iasked Troy later. I'm like, did
was a dog really scary? LikeI kind of came out us. I'm
like, yeah, Kevin's scared ofdogs. And Troy goes, yeah,
he said he got raped by aGreat Dane when he was six in German
shepherd. But yes, that's whathe claims it didn't. It happened.
It's terrifying. So you experience jumpedinto a neighbor's fence, chainley fence,

(20:44):
jumped into it into a yard fullof dogs. Bad for him too.
That's out of the frying pan ofthe fire. Huh. Never lived it
down. So you narrowly escaped aducks and attack and then what what was
the mirriat? What? No winerdog? Danny? It was big talk
about miracles save lives. Heal well, somehow he regulated his heart beat and

(21:07):
about eight holes later, the tenthhole at Steven's Park. Oh, I
guess a miracle happened, Danny,So I guess Hole in one. You
already told me that that did nothappen. We would not be slow rolling
a hole in that's not that's thewhole show would be called the Hole in
One show. He eagled on apar four or a part or five?

(21:33):
Did you eagle? Is that themirror? I'm not telling this story.
I know the credentials can tell thisis you eagle? Number ten is a
par five? Okay? Uh?Kevin Turner, like he does on every
tea box, hits his driver rightdown the middle. It's truly amazing.
He described it properly. He said, the further away from the hole,
I am, I'm an excellent golfer. And then as he gets closer to

(21:56):
the hole, it gets worse.And then on the green you never know
disaster, Maia. He's a wildcard on the green. But Jesus,
you put him on a tea box, He's gonna hit it like two seventy
dead straight almost every hole. It'samazing. He's a scramble partner. Dream
your buddy. Matt was absolutely inawe of my excellence off the tee.
I mean he h multiple times.I don't know how you do it.

(22:18):
I don't know how. He waslike if I had your fair Oh my
god, I was Dereka. Hewas the dad on step Brothers. It
was that whole thing. My god, that's impressive. It's every hole with
a driver right down the middle.Good and then it starts to get crack
anyway. Part five, tenth hole, right down the middle, right,

(22:41):
second shot, it's a layup partfive right. You can't really go for
this. There's a crick. There'sa crick hit into the creek. You
don't f with a crik throws itout there one hundred and thirty eight yards
away. The son of a bitchswished it. You're kidding on a second
shot, third shot, third shot. So he eagled on five. He

(23:02):
eagled the part five, which isamazing. But how many feet out one
and thirty eight and thirty eight yards? Wow? So nine iron pitching wedge?
Uh? Nine iron? It wasa nine iron, Yes, nine
and the nine it was the layupclub that I chose. Yes. He

(23:22):
we think swished it right. Ithink swished it lost in the sun because
it was right there. I knewthe line though. I knew the line
was right all over it. LikeI told Troy, I was like,
if that's not it, I tapit in. But we get up there
and Mike is ahead of the game. So Mike is walking up to the
green and I was like, okay, we don't see my ball, and
Troy goes Mike look at the holdof his balls in there. We don't

(23:45):
see it, and I'm like,dude, I know it's there. Now
behind the green is some shrubbery andI'm like, crap, I might have
nutted it too hard, and thenwe're in the shrubs and I might have
to go digging from my ball duringsnake season. Yeah, Mike takeover.
No, Because I walked to thehole and Troy was like, dude,

(24:07):
I think he made that check thehole, and I checked the hole and
absolutely there's a titleist two right inthe bottom of the cup. But I
smell a rat. I look backat their cart and I no sold it.
I just gave him up and Ijust kept walking out. So I'm
like, okay, So I don'tlook because he looked in the cup.

(24:29):
So I'm like, okay, soit's confirmed not in the cup. So
I'm looking by me, a knownliar. I'm leaning in, I stick
my hand into the shrubs, andI get struck by a baby rattlesnake.
You're a liar, He keeps sayingthat that didn't happen. I think you're
both. It's a good line ofa line of humor. I think that
because you didn't tell me the ballwas in there, you think you're punishing

(24:51):
me by saying you're attacked by asnake. I die. What probably happened
here? Kevinh Is Mikey saw theball, it was near the cup,
and he just gave it the oldtrump toe tap, the old footwed and
knocked it in so and you didn'tsee, and then surprised you with an

(25:14):
eagle on eleven. I believe onten. And I think he did that
to make you feel good going intotoday based on your questionable broadcasting this week.
I think that's incredible and a goodone with soundbacking research and science behind

(25:34):
the guy who did Roberto de Leon, the guy who tell us the guy
who peaked this week with Mexican BobDylan by accident. Man is gonna sit
there and tell me, come on, that was not an option. It
absolutely straight into the hole. Anduh, I wonder how Kevin celebrated.

(25:57):
But the okay, the funniest partis, okay, in golf, right,
look you hit one, I thinkit's a hole in one. Right,
You walk up to the green andyou kind of casually walk by the
hole and like glance in it becauseyou don't want to be the guy who
runs up to the hole and likelooks down and then it's obviously not in
the hole. You hit it longor it's plugged or whatever, but you
want to look, you know,you want to check. But by me

(26:18):
telling him no, it's not in, he had to go look behind the
green and look all these other places. But I knew, and I kind
of winked at the guys. I'mlike, just watch watch him because I
know he can't find it. Hewants to now go look in the hole,
but he can't. But it's like, that's like he just respected to
me. You sure it's not inthe hole. But in my thinking,
I mean, I know sold him, but I'm like, look, what's

(26:40):
there's This is a moment in aman's life, a golfing man's life.
I did it made egle and it'snot just an eagle because a lot of
times you can nuke a drive ona short part five and then hit a
great approach and you chip it andthen you make a punt. All right,
I'm in an eagle holding out fromthe fairway? Is is? I
mean, look, there's one hundredand thirty eight yards. That's the length
of a part three. It's actuallyone. Yeah. He made the equivalent

(27:03):
of holl of one yeah, andI couldn't see a thing. What happened
to Kevin? That sound different?He sounds great, it's sound a little
different. So anyway, he hadto meander his sleepy ass up to the
hole. And check it himself.And by that point I had walked out
of the guys. I'm like,dude, it's it. Watch just how
did he react? No? WhenI heard from Mikey, how did he
react? What do he do?He's no, he saw it and he

(27:26):
goes f Yeah, get fist pump. You're like a little eagle bird today.
So we're going to rename our stationback to the Eagle just for one
day. We thought just for oneday, but then we decided to just
go ahead and do it. Goahead and load up that mud vain return
cut. We're gonna play rock tunesinstead of talk all morning. Let's do
it. Let's play some butt rocktoday. This is the Eagle. I'll

(27:48):
pull up a playlist on my computerfrom the iHeart app. No, it
was. It's a every if youplay a lot of golf, it's every
couple years thing. Maybe I don'tknow how often you jam jar it from
one one. I've never done thatin my life. Really, congratulations,
that's the longest shot you've ever made. Yeah, I've done something from like
eighty, you know, yeah,FID five eighty, but nothing like that

(28:11):
in flight with potentially. Troy andI both think we jammed it, but
it was there was no ball mark. Yeah yeah, we think he switched
it. But whatever. That's that'swhen you wish you had cameras well.
That's a whole other discussion, Danny, because we got all day, bro,
I got all day save that,okay, but all jokes aside,

(28:34):
that is badass, badass. It'ssomething that you guys love doing and have
spent along a big great portion ofyour lives playing, practicing and hoping for
moments like that. It's a littlevictory and I hope you hope you.
I hope you took ownership of it. I hope you were proud of yourself,
and I hope, uh, Ihope it kind of maybe elevated your
your day yesterday. Thank for whatyou do. You righte a three on

(28:56):
the card and then you circle it. Then you circle that circle. I
know that's dumb circles. You don'toften see that. I don't think we
had one birdie on the card amongall of us until he went with the
eagle. And that's the beauty ofgolf, is like the little dumb miracle
like that can happen and you're like, and then two l's later, Mike
overdrove the par four. Okay,let's get into that next. Get over

(29:18):
there next at six thirty. Anyway, Kevin did something good. Now the
most important thing in the world.What did I do on the golf Yes,
s buckle up, fam, Danny. Do we have Tomater and Malcolm's
reaction? We can. That's themost important thing. Plus why Tiger's got
a big backlog of sperm. We'llsee that's next. Okay,