A Masters Hypothetical

A media member won the lottery to play Augusta...but there's a twist 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to the Downbeat on ninetyseven to one, the freak all right,
Downbeat nine thirty six spin Skin,Christina Steve being here here in fifteen
twenty minutes or so. Matti's beenhelping us out today. It's Danny Kevy,
Mikey. It's a downbeat man.We fun so play of Masters all

(00:22):
last week and then today Augusta,Georgia. By the way, if you're
wondering, two hundred and sixty eightmiles from the Atlantic Ocean, the deadly
Atlantic Ocean. So Masters end yesterday, and what happens I think late Friday
is they have a lottery for mediamembers and I think it's two groups,
so I don't know. Two groupsget to today play Augusta National. Two

(00:45):
groups of media members. They allget thrown at anyone as credentials. Their
names get tossed in there. Andright now seven minutes ago, which would
be ten thirty am, Augusta,Georgia. Time they get to enter the
grounds, they have a little carthat says, you know, Augusta welcomes
this person. Arrival is ten thirtyto you office, eleven thirty. Show

(01:06):
this card to get on the grounds, because you know once you leave last
night, we'll see later. Don'tcome back, and they get to drive
down Magnolia Lane. So I reada big article this Golf Digest guy who's
like, I have the shanks.I won the lottery. I'm freaking out.
And that's all fun and good.But far more interesting is a young
lady named Julia Westerman. She isa South Carolina sports reporter. She won

(01:32):
the lottery. She is a mediamember. She gets to play Augusta National
today. How many get chosen?I don't know. I think it's I
think eight. I think it's twofoursomes. I really don't know. She
is playing Augusta National in fifty minutesand this will be her first ever round
of golf. Oh boy, herecomes that nine hundred. Yeah, she
gonna be there all day. Howamazing is that? Three guys she's playing

(01:56):
with are going to be so frustrated. Okay, pig it up, Julie,
pick it up, take it takea nine. Can you imagine?
I guess they don't know. Theydon't take your handicaps when you have a
media credential or enter your name intothe lottery. Her first ever round of
golf is at the Masters at thefreaking just to the day after tournament conditions.

(02:20):
Yeah, just fast, everything fastbecause they thought they were gonna get
a lot of rain light. Yeah, oh my god, she's gonna shoot
a one thousand. Well, you'regonna have pro caddies, you know,
keeping on everything as far as etiquetteand tearing up of course or anything.
And pro caddies are also good atkeeping things moving. Okay, just tow
it. You'll just thw it onthis one. No, I think they'll

(02:40):
let her play the part three play. The part three is you can put
on every green. Let's have somefun up here putting. Yeah, yeah,
try this one. But what ifthe guys in her forest and are
like super serious, go what ifit was like you and him and make
Corby and then me, well wespee playing Augusta and you're like so jacked

(03:02):
and and trying to think about itand look at the nuance, look at
the curvature of the green and sayone hundred fat, look at the topography
is so beautiful. And meanwhile I'mover there just hunking clubs into the drink.
You know what, why getting thelottery if you've never played before?

(03:22):
Why, No, you're taking someoneelse's spot. Well, that's a talk.
Should she have given her spot upto someone Yes? No, she
has every right to be out therejust like anybody else. She's not playing
her ball from the tee to thehole like they're gonna speed her along.
And I'll tell you, you'd befar worse playing Steven's Park with someone who's
never played it than Augusta. LikeI'd be okay because I'd still be wigging

(03:44):
out that I'm playing Augusta, enjoyingevery second of it. And frankly,
I don't mind if this is afive and a half hour round. Yeah,
that's the round you want to pastforever. If she was if they
were keeping her score, she hadto play legit. How long would it
take her to play eight time awhole week? No, no, no,
I'm being seriously again. The caddyis the key, because the caddy

(04:05):
would keep you moving. I Idon't know, six hours. Maybe you
wouldn't get it done in twenty fourhours, Yes, yeah you would.
She doesn't know the ball is gonnago. She's never played before. Can
you walk the course in twenty fourhours, then you can play against in
twenty four hours? Yeah, youcan walk the course in five or six
hours. Bye, and all youdo is just okay, there's the third

(04:28):
stroke, and just keep tapping theball as you walk. They don't know
where it's going. How are theygonna get out of the park. There
are places where you can't get itover the water. No, yeah,
I'm not kidding if that okay?So there aren't I don't think there's ladies
teas. There's just the master te'sand the member tees. So I assume
they're playing the member tees and thatwould include women, right. I don't
know if they have a further optionor whatever. Rice was the first woman

(04:51):
ever even allowed, and that wasjust like nine years ago. So yeah,
te bug, all right, theygot to put it over the bridge?
Well, honestly would could she breakfive hundred? No, she's never
played before. If you didn't,Kevin's getting mad the idea she couldn't get
over the water. Yeah, shewould have to put it over the bridge

(05:14):
on twelve for instance, going intothe bunker, getting out of that bunker.
Yeah, over five hundred. No, she just takes a putter and
starts at the tee and just startstapping it. You tap it twenty feet
that'd be a five hundred. Still, Okay, that's the strategy that it
would take that early. Hey,that's fine, but it would take her
less than twenty four hours. Yes, she would play, Yes, I

(05:36):
think six seven hours, as longas it takes you to walk that turning
Augusta into croquet. Yes, youcroquet your way to success. Hey,
it worked for me, worked forDanny. Guys. Are they allowed to
bring phones out to these things amedia day? No cell phones there?
Right, No, but that's forthe tournament. It's not like no cell

(05:57):
phones are allowed on property. Probablyjust landline. They do have lamdlines,
I know. Yeah, that's awesome. And then you remember I don't know
anyone's phone number, and you endup calling the newspaper company from when you
were a kid. That's going jingleyou can remember, or radio station.
I did call the Miami Herald fromthe twelve tea bucks. Well, anyway,
good luck, Julio Westerman. Yourfirst round of golf teas off in

(06:20):
about forty five minutes. She's gonnahave such a bad round national. I
will listen to her news report though, we'll try to find it. Absolutely,
Yeah, for sure, we geton the show. Yeah, yeah,
Maddie, we cricket my audio here. Yeah. Verne Lunk was called
his final Masters yesterday. Been callingsixteen and seventeen for many years. Why's

(06:41):
he hanging it up? He's stillgood. He's still good. You know,
voice is good. His voice isgood. Yeah, who knows?
But the rest I was probably justtired of spinning out the battle their wedding
anniversary there every year. The oneMasters I went to, I it was
Sunday. It was Speaks Sunday twentyfifteen, so I was near sixteen when
he played through. And right afterthe final group went through, I watched

(07:06):
a gigantic vern lund Quist kind ofwaddle down from his position, get into
a golf cart and like a salmongoing upstream, full speed golf cart like
through the patrons, getting the foff property, getting out, Yes,
beat the traffic ut right when hewas done with the sixteenth hall, and
he was just gigan. He's veryit's like a cartoon man. He's a
less monopoly man for sure, buthe's very large and kind of wrinkled,

(07:29):
and he's just too intense steaming throughhuman traffic. Is driving this golf cart
just to get him to wherever thehell his car is and get me out
of here before the chaos. Well, big send off. The video they
they made for him, it's dayslike four minutes online and watch that and
you tear up. We me it'sgreat. But then this so how it

(07:49):
goes away, and Nancy of courseis going to be very very quiet,
and he's really going for the bigmoment here and then here's Vern choked up
at the end. Meanwhile the CBSaudio guys like, shrew your send off.
Old Man Verne wrote a book backin twenty eighteen called Play by Play,

(08:11):
and the last line in the bookdeb roe ern, I want to
apply it to you. You said, thanks to borrow a phrase. Thanks
for the memories. Your voice hasbeen a beautiful instrument. Thank you for
a wonderful soundtrack for all of ourlives. Thank you so much. Jim

(08:39):
My honor by available on more.Look did he say it's been my honor
by Felicia And they did? No, he did, I too. I'm

(09:00):
like, that sounds like a byeFelicia. I think you hear stomach growld.
Okay, that's a weird growl.He said, my honor, my
privilege. Maybe Griggs was playing aset crimes and rhymes lives, thank you
so much him Okay, roaring stomachground part my honor that fret later.

(09:43):
They should have Yeah, they shouldhave had a camera on him. They
didn't. They're just showing chef werewalking down the fairway. They should have
had a camera on Verne. Itwould have been would all the trouble to
make video tributes for him all weekthey jumped to a Mercedes bend spot.
Now, the meme that's going dondraper. The meme that's taken over is
when Tiger passed seventeen, Tiger shookVerne's hand, but in the photo taken

(10:07):
all you see is a hand comingout of a tree. And that's the
new meme. Is Tiger's shaking awhite hand coming out of a tree.
Like that's was like a person captioncaptions are beautiful. Oh my god,
when the edible kicks in shook handswith a tree, Oh so good.
I love it all, and youknow it was great. Not many love

(10:28):
it as much as me and Kevin, right, but golf needs to chill.
It's all too much, yes,especially the master the masters, and
so it's like you painted a watercolor for us all a relax. Yes,
and they'd run these promos, especiallyearly in the week, and then
they show these beauty shots. Yes, and it does get me, but

(10:52):
they're like as the sunlight dances throughthe trees, like just chill, we're
golfing's fun, timeless, Well,this is what we need. Yeah,
you know, it is just golfand I love it, but it's not
dancing through the flickering leaves. Oneday, I would like to let's just
do an alternate Masters broadcast, youknow. Fun. Yeah, you think

(11:15):
they'd be okay with that after theybagged Gary McCord for like two zings again,
you know, but you were cussing, Oh, look the crap of
that. That sucks. Uh guys, fourteen what Kevin? We get it
in one there's only gotten one inone ever? Twenty fourteen. Doom that's

(11:39):
every song ever a da doom,boom, dag dom don't dan danm do?
Oh? Is that shots? Thatthe shots song? That's too slow?
We guess that last time that Christmasin Hollis. That's a lot of
songs that's not a this is tailor, this is it? It is?

(12:07):
Yes, I got you got pumbledby a tide And for the used to
mess with those skinny boys. NowI'm getting hammered by a real chief.

(12:28):
Get ready for eighty seven? Andme don't what we all got to that
last year? What rhymes with chief? What rhymes with chief? There having
beef? Yeah, beef, belief, giant beef. We could have cleaned
it up and gone away. Idon't know what you guys are looking at
me? Weird forlief? It's queflet's face. Ah, there he is

(12:52):
about your ratings? Here, God, all this golf talk, it is
time for your weekend bass shouldn't report. The boys went out on Lake jess
Bro this weekend and ended up hookingup with a nine pound channel cat.
That's right, channel cat decided totake a bite out of a wacky rigged
sinko. Either way, the boysfought hard, got her on the boat.

(13:16):
Great weekend of fishing. There wego. Here's fishing props. I
can't argue that would rather watch bassfishing than the masters. Fine, it's
fine, miss. Is this justwho's the Tiger Woods of bass fishing?
You know? It's like we wouldwheel dance, or it's the guy from

(13:37):
Oh Crappy, King Crappy. Wewould know mister crappy, mister crappy,
maybe we can dig that up.Did you ever hear that? It's pretty
magical? He gets real excited whenhe catches the mass, let's just say.
And those sound effects can be usedfor And the best thing fish you
ever had going for it was theWaits and Fish scam. Yeah, I

(14:01):
mean, so you know they coulduse a Tiger Woods type figure. This
is Lee Habib, host of ourAmerican Stories. Do you know how the
orcs first came into being? Theywere elves once taken by the dark forces,
tortured and mutilated. Find out moreabout these ruined and terrible forms of

(14:22):
life next week on our American Story. Pretty good on every spot, break
pretty much pretty much. The searchis on America's premiere morning show. Is
in need of a punching bag astheir favorite hateable idiot boards a metal tube

(14:43):
and heads towards almost certain death inthe Atlantic. Enjoy being kicked in the
nuts. Come and apply for theDownbeats punching bag. Also, there is
more do your job well and Benand Skin will kick in the nuts from
ten to two as well. Allright, that is not open until tomorrow

(15:05):
at like midnight. Yeah, andthe mister Crappy sex tape is two and
a half minutes long. So tomorrowsix am. How about Wednesday? Yeah,
he's played a few times Wednesday.I'm of two minds about whether I
want Dingu to write more songs.On the one hand, you are amazingly

(15:26):
good at it. On the otherhand, that damn golf song was stuck
in my head all weekend. Iwill point out one thing notably absent from
your list of golfers, Scottie Shuffler. Thanks boys, true you send me
out with the nanny golf song today. Working a little, you know,
more random, trying to if hewins the PGA and rattles off two straight

(15:48):
majors, he gets his own song. That's fine, okay, Scott He's
gonna win a slam, Scotty,He's gonna win the Slam. He's slamming.
He's gonna win the Grands, theNatural Slim, the Natural Slam.
Yeah, he gets kind of theSuper Slam if you had the players Super
Slam for sure. Holy it's onat streak for May sixteenth through nineteenth.

(16:10):
We're a month and a day away, Yeah, thirty two days away.
Valhalla, Louisville can do. Let'sget it. If you get the first
pick in the draft, who areyou choosing? Picking Steft? Absolutely?
How the next month ago? Well, not playing until now. He's got
some commitments. He's in the fieldfor next week, playing this week.
Right, he might lack it ornot. That baby's coming, but he's

(16:32):
still got time. Get two weeks. We'll do there. Like the baby's
coming. It's twenty days. Hey, milk, milk ain't coming out of
his nipples. I agree, betterbring home the bread, homie. You
know, during dinner last night,after taking a big bite of my spaghetti,
I said, Moura call Wall andmy wife's like, would you stop

(16:52):
that. You've been saying that allday, to which ivers ponk Moura call
who. So I'd like to thankyou for giving me a new way to
annoy my wife. I think it'sbrought us closer together. I doubt it.
I highly doubt it, as he'staking a bt a spaghetti. It
is a bad recipe for that songwhich kills us all. And then him
being on the Master's leader board,the one that everyone watches. Yeahura and

(17:18):
yeah dude, I had my kidssaying Mari Cowa had him saying John Ram,
John Ram, and then he reallydidn't pick up on the Max Holmer
birdied on three. I was singingthat. That's what I was singing all
day. Yeah, every time Isaw his name, Max Holm, a
birdied on three? Was it Fridaythat he did? Go? Dang,

(17:40):
he did birdie number three? AndDanny took a screenshot of the score it
with a circle and an arrow birdiedon three. Hey, oh no,
Hey, I'm Malcolm Verne, executorof O. J. Simpson's estate,
because I know you were disappointed tohear that OJ will not be donating his

(18:00):
body to science. I did suggestthat he do so when he was alive,
but he told me that if Iever suggested charity to him again,
he'd cut me open and use myskin to make a shower curtain. He
often instead to be cremated and havehis ashes scattered in the Atlantic Ocean so
that his ghost could lie in waitand stab and surviving members of Atlantic plane
crashes. Good lord, Kevin,Kevin, now you got another Do an't

(18:25):
worry about the ghost of OJ Simpson? Adam to the list that gets you?
Hey, Twitter, world, Oh, I just want to thank the
downbeat and especially Daddy for Rooney mymaster's watching experience. Every time I saw
Colin maur Cowa on the screen onthe leaderboard a day mentioned anywhere, all

(18:52):
I thought it was that stupid songmoura cow whoa moura Cowha? Thanks a
lot? Hell yeah, I lovelike real anger in his voice sense it.
Yeah, thanks a lot. Ienjoyed the thought of it's Friday night.
Christina says to Mike, what doyou want to eat tonight, honey,

(19:15):
and Mike screams, just ground beef, he beef. So I haven't
heard who's filling in for Cavio whilehe's out, But my thought would be
to put TC on the speakeasy andbring on down. Ju Julie cusses when
she's on in the morning, theseguys, he's loopy. I don't know

(19:37):
if we can trust her. Hey, Kevin, my brother and sister Laura
are flying back from Italy tomorrow.Please don't crash into their plane. Oh
Kevin, we just send you outwith this. We'll have the segments up
in a few minutes or in thenext hour. Back tomorrow morning, six
am. Been and Skin shows nextspeakeasy after that, Happy Masters, Everybody

(20:08):
Live Golf bought the peg a.How many heads are gone a roll today?
Live Golf bought the peg a.Mike Ziroy broke the news just yesterday.

(20:29):
Golf bag clubs, holes, gruff, fringe, Holland one hutter,
It's fun, John Rahm, BrianHarmon, Harris, English websites, Justin

(20:56):
Rose, Ricky Fo, Jordan Speed, Mad Couture, golf shot, golf
shot, golf shot, that's anice golf shot. Mora cowa, mourra

(21:17):
cowa, mour cowa mourn cowa.Russell Henley's looking at you, Chris Kirk,
He's looking at me. Tommy Fleetwood'slooking at him, Max Homer Ardie
all three And to clarify once again, the DP and the DP order Tour

(21:38):
doesn't stand for double penetration