April 14, 2025 • 35 mins
Mel Robbins discusses the significance of the "Let Them" theory and how we can all incorporate it into our lives. Plus, she gives Elvis the breakdown of the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method to waking up in the morning.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Live from the Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge. Mel Robbins, thank
you for dropping by.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I know you're the busiest person in show business.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
Oh no, that's not true. I think you are now
am not. I live in Vermont. I am not the
busiest person in show business.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Well, welcome to our show.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
We're so excited that you're here.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's a dream come true. To be honest, but I'm
not going to butter your biscuit anymore.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
That sounds very sexual.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Biscuits buttered the number one New York bestseller, They'll let them.
Theory is out and we're talking about a book that
people in the publishing industry are saying, well maybe one
of the biggest selling books of all time, which has
got to freak you out just a little bit.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Or do you believe it? Are they liars?
Speaker 4 (00:46):
I you know, you know, it's a weird thing to
talk about. Is like, there is no doubt. This is
my legacy, this book, this book, this is my legacy.
It's so I can't believe, mister Crane again, I I
am so blown away by the impact it's making and
(01:07):
the fact that people are interested in reading a book.
You know that is not helping you escape your life,
but helping you turn toward your life.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Wow, now I'm going to start crying, so you can.
Speaker 5 (01:21):
People need that right now so desperately.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Yes, I feel you know, there are so many moments
in your life where you're going to feel impatient and
where you're going to feel like you're not quite sure
where things are going. And I know over the past
sixteen years in particular, I've certainly felt that way. And
what has happened with this theory and the way it's
spread around the world is I now can look back
(01:46):
and go, Oh, all of those reps you were putting in,
all of those days you got yourself out of bed,
all of those days you didn't quit, all of those
times you kept going even though you got fired or
that didn't work out, or you didn't think it was
going to happen. It's because you were being held for
this moment. And I really believe that. You know, there
(02:07):
are two skills that I would love to talk about
today that have made a huge difference in my life
that anybody can learn. Number One, it is a skill
in life to learn how to make yourself do the
things you don't feel like doing. Like, if you only
did the things you don't feel like doing, you'd have
everything you've ever wanted. Motivation is complete garbage. Stop sitting
around waiting for it. It's not coming. Nobody's coming to
(02:29):
save you. You have everything you need inside you. That's not
some sort of wizard of oz gobbly gooo woo woo crap.
The truth is you have the ability to push yourself
through anxiety, through depression, through overwhelm, through fear, through anything
that is currently holding you back, and do the simple
things that will change your life.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
And what was the second? Do you remember?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (02:53):
And the second is teaching yourself how to believe in
a bigger possibility that are going to work out for you.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I just wanted people to hear those two things because
I well, people almays.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
Ask me, how did you How did you become Mel Robbins?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And I'm like, how did you become Mel Robins?
Speaker 4 (03:11):
By teaching myself how to get out of bed on
those moments when the anxiety and depression was so crushing
and I felt like what was the point?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Right?
Speaker 6 (03:23):
And there's at one point in the book where you
go I walked into my friend's house and she had
just renovated the whole house and.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
You were so jealous.
Speaker 6 (03:29):
Yes, and you were so and that's and that's the
point where I feel you were like, f this, I
gotta do something.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Well, you know, there's again, life is always teaching you something,
so you know, for for if you're listening and this
is the first time that you're either watching or hearing
my voice. My story begins sixteen years ago when we
were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt and my husband's
restaurant business was going under and I was unemployed at
the time, and we had three kids ten and under,
and that was not the vision for my life. And
(03:56):
what you will find is that it's easy to give
other people advice, but when the you know what hits
the fan in your own life, you get paralyzed with
the fear that you're not going to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And that was me.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
And instead of doing what I knew I needed to do,
which was get a job, stop screaming at Chris, get
out of bed, get the kids on the bus, ask
for help, I did the opposite. I drank myself into
the ground and I would lay in bed like a
human pot roast, staring at the ceiling.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
God, this sounds good.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Yeah, I wouldn't open the bills.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
They just kept piling up on the counter, and it
gets worse and worse, and then you start to convince
yourself there's nothing you can do, and that's a lie.
There is always something you can do to improve even
the worst of situations through your attitude, through your actions,
and through the way you process your emotions. And this
is not a new idea, by the way, this is
Victor Frankel's man search for meaning. This is what's true
(04:46):
about the human experience. And so I became the success
that you see today due to sixteen years of boring,
grueling reps that I would put in every day that
began with just get your butt out of bed on
the mornings. You don't feel like it.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Wow, you know, very simple the five four three two
one theory of the the countdown. There's always something we're
procrastinating about.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I don't want to go out of bed. I don't
want to do this.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
You got to be that rocket at Cape Canaveral that's
about to take off, and once the countdown is done,
down one and then blast off, you have no choice
but to go to outer space and it actually works.
I've actually applied this to my life and it works.
When I first read that, I'm like, this.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Is what this is stupid?
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Yes I agree, So number one.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Bence out of this crap.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Yes it works, it works.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Tell everyone was sound.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Five second RUL is super simple. It's a It's a
hack you can use for instant courage or motivation. Any
moment where you have this instinct that you should do something,
whether it's speaking up at work, or it's getting out
of bed, or it's putting the phone down and actually
stepping outside for a walk, whatever it may be. Just
start counting five four three two one. You got to
count backwards. Does not work if you count up, because
(05:56):
you've been taught to count up your entire life, so
it's already recorded and you're subconscious. The trick works because
if you count backwards five four three two one, it
requires a moment where you have to focus on the counting,
and that pulls the front part of your brain, the
prefrontal cortex online. So now you've just activated the part
of the brain that you need to change behavior or
(06:18):
to actually push yourself to do something. You're now in
control for a moment and the other reason why it
works is because it's like the first domino. Counting is
an action, and if you've actually decided to count five four,
three two one, you've already decided to do it, So
you're going to do it the first domino. Yeah, and
then you move five, fourth, three to one.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Move Now. I didn't know any of this when I
invented it.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
I invented it after having four bourbon Manhattans and seeing
a rocket ship launch across a television screen, right and thinking, oh.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
My god, Okay, that is a sign from God. Tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Launch great ideas happened to Tabar.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I have no problem with that, you know, I always
say that, you know, my expertise comes from being life tested, right,
like when you're in that hole.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
There's a lot of things that you learn about life.
Speaker 6 (07:03):
But that's the best part about the book is that
you're so honest about that, where you're not just like
shoving this information down people's throats. You're saying, Okay, here's
an example. This is what happened to me.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Yeah, totally, Like I am the villain in my own
book for sure, like the person they find that you know,
as you read the let them theory, or like you
hear the stories from it, you're like, oh my gosh,
old Mel was pretty awful, jealous friend, immature, constantly taking
her emotions out on her family.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
You know.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Wow, this either reminds me of me or it reminds
me of somebody in my life that I wish would change.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And so I also think.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
The success of this is is because let them and
let Me is so simple and it's a tool. You
don't have to think about it, you just use it
and it works. And also this is a book that
is largely about stories, and but the stories are what
translates the research.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
But I'm sure from time to time you still throw
sharp objects. You're crazy, Okay, just making sure I need
to know that.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
Yes, So from all the things that you saying, it's
not about the end, it's more about the beginning and
getting started. Yes, how can you I know you're saying
get out of bed. But for people who are just
super sad and they're having a tough time that day,
aside from get out of bed, what do you tell them?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Well, if you're having a tough day, the first thing
I want you to understand is that in order to
have good days, you gotta have bad days, and reminding
yourself that this is temporary and that another wave is
gonna come and you have the ability to just ride
this wave. You don't have to gaslight yourself into positivity.
You can just allow yourself to be sad. One of
(08:33):
the things that is very helpful for me is to
say things like I'm sad because I'm going to allow
myself to be a little down today because and the
because is important because then sadness doesn't become your identity.
You've identified the thing that makes you sad, and there
are going to be times where being sad or heartbroken
or down is a mentally healthy response to the things
(08:55):
that are going on in life. And you know, the
other thing that I would tell you is I do
think they'll let them think will help a lot, because
if you find that you're at a point in your
life where you're overwhelmed, you're struggling, you're worried, you're sad,
you're tired, or you just are working very hard and
nothing's clicking. The problem isn't you. The problem is that you,
(09:17):
unknowingly are giving so much of your power to other
people to what they think, to their expectations, to their moods,
to the drama that's going on, to their beliefs. And
when you give power to other people, you have none
left for yourself. That's why you're tired. And so this
book and the Let Them Theory is actually about power
(09:38):
and control. What can you can control, what can you
not control? Where is power and where are you giving
it away?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Well, the let Them Theory there is actually a theory,
and there's actually so sort of an easy to figure
out outline to that. I want to get into that
in a second. We'll be right back, and we're back
more with Mel Robbins. So when you and your daughter
together wrote the Let Them Theory, they knew they have
had a hit already.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
They knew this thing was going to be big.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
Well, I'll tell you why, because it was excruciating to
write this together. So she does this research project where
I wanted her to go and look at all the
comments online from the podcast and from some of the
social media posts that we had put up, look at
articles that were starting to get written about Let Them.
And she came back and was like, you can't write
this book. And I was like why, and she said, well,
(10:24):
everybody loves it, except for there's like this slice of people.
They're saying, let them feels good if it's making them lonely.
And then you're kind of left sitting with now what.
My brothers and sisters don't reach out unless I do.
My friends aren't checking in on me unless I check out.
Speaker 7 (10:38):
What?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Now what?
Speaker 4 (10:39):
And she says, you can't put a book out that
makes people lonely and kind of arrogant. And she said
there has to be a second part. And that was
the genesis for let me right, because you have to
let them is when you stop worrying about other people's
opinions and feelings and moods and making it your responsibility
to make everybody else happy. And then you got to go, okay,
but now what, let me remind myself that my power
(11:02):
is actually in how I think about things and what
I do or don't do, and how I process my emotions.
And so she is the reason why they let Me
part started. And then I was like, well, then we
got to write this together. So now we have two
totally different working styles. Like my brain is like take
a bunch of mice in a cardboard box and tip
it over in a kitchen, and she's a walking Excel spreadsheet.
Plus we're mother daughter. We were like, I would come
(11:25):
and be like, I wanted to write this story about
my friends and being a jealous, you know, jerk, and
she's like, now what my age cares about that story?
And then we fight about it, and then we get mad,
and then and then we'd both be like let her,
and then she would leave and go to a different room,
and then I would leave as we'd get frustrated. And
so we actually sorted through every aspect of the book
and we argued over everything. Because she wanted to make
it relevant to twenty somethings. I wanted to make it relevant,
(11:47):
you know, to kind of like a little bit older demographic.
And the result was we argued over every word. And
in fact, another incredible story is that when we wrote
the love section, we're getting near the end of the book.
There's eight sections. Her boyfriend of two years, the one
she thought that was going to be the end of
the aisle dumb sir. She's like, I hate this theory.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
What am I supposed to do? Just let him leave,
let him sleep with somebody else?
Speaker 7 (12:11):
What?
Speaker 4 (12:12):
And so we wrote the breakup guide and using the
let them theory as she was going through it in
real time. And I gotta say it was incredible because
she had to use let them to manage her emotions
and the let me part and I had to use
let them and let her to give her the dignity
(12:36):
of her own experience without wanting to solve it, like
I wanted to text the other mom constantly. I wanted
to reach out to him like you know when she's
when she's like you know. One of the pieces of
advice is nobody actually goes through the detox in a breakup.
This is why you don't get over people. When you
break off a relationship. What you don't realize is that
(12:58):
you are neurologically and in your nervous system hardwired to
be connected to this person. So for the first couple
of weeks, when you think you hear them talking, that's
not because they miss you, that's not because you should
get back together. That's because your brain has patterns that
have been encoded that it's just repeating. And if you've
(13:18):
never gone thirty days without looking at a photo or
listening to a voice memo or watching their social media profile,
then you've never fully actually given your nervous system in
your brain a chance to get over them. Every time
you listen to a voice memo, every time you look
at a photo, you reactivate that circuitry. It's just like
(13:39):
an alcoholic who has a drink, and so you have
to do this thirty day thing where you don't look
at anything, put their stuff in a box. I had
to go through the digital frame in the kitchen. Pause pause,
because I'm not I don't want to delete, because I'm
holding out hope. Right pause, pause, pause, you know, because
but I have to let her have this experience. And
(14:01):
what's interesting is when you have somebody in your life
who's going through something it's so uncomfortable that you want
to save them from it, if you can learn to
give them a little space while you're standing on the
sidelines in support, like how would you like me to
show up? What's interesting is you actually signal to somebody,
I believe in your capacity to change. I believe in
(14:24):
your capacity to move through this. And as a mom,
it's been incredible to recognize that my innate desire to
want my husband to change doesn't make him change. It
also creates a distance between us. Learning how to let
him be who he is and forcing myself to accept
and love him as he is. Like, that's a whole
(14:46):
different way to be with somebody's they always I heard
somebody say once that second marriages are amazing, especially when
it's with the same person.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
And when you change how you show up, you change
the relationship. But we've always put the pressure on other
people to change when actually you've got the power based
on your energy and your attitude towards somebody, and creating
space for somebody to be themselves is actually the best
way to love them.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
When you were writing this, did you have any idea
how many people were gonna tattoo let them on their bodies?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Because it's all I see everywhere.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Well, it's apparently because we you know, we went through
the process of contacting every tattoo studio that you see
in here.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And getting rights for it.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Really, and every one of them are like, I got
to tell you, this is the number one tattoo that everywhere,
well because seeing it and I love seeing now the
let me tattoos because let them. When you say it,
it's instant peace because you're reminding yourself this drama or
this situation does not deserve to be stressing me out.
(15:46):
My time and energy is worth protecting. So when you
say let them, it's a boundary.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
So a big.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Mistake that people like have about this is that, well,
aren't you just letting them treat you like garbage? I'm like, no,
they already are. You're explaining it away. When you say
let them, you're erecting a boundary between yourself and the
other person, and you're saying yourself, Okay, let them be
who they are, let them do what they're doing, because
their behavior is giving me data.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Now I get to choose.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
See, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
When I first saw the book and the title, I
automatically go to, well, let them.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Let me just make an assumption what this is about.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Let them Okay, someone said something just really disrespectful to me, whatever, Okay,
let them because what they're saying doesn't matter. Well, I
don't get I'm not giving them the power. That's the
point to mess with my power. So that was my
that's my assumption before I picked.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Up the But here's the other thing.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
One of the things that you'll recognize when you start
saying this let them and let me is that the
one thing in life, you have no control over is
what another human being thinks, says, believes, does no control.
And so it is the biggest form of gaslighting to
yourself to think that there is absolutely something you could
do that would guarantee that somebody has a thought. And
(16:58):
I'll give you an example. We've all had the experience
where you've bent over backwards. You go to some party
you don't want to go to. You do it because
you don't want people to be mad at you, or
you feel guilty, and then you get to the party
and the host is kind of annoyed because you're not
as fun as you normally are. And so even though
you bent over backwards and you did this thing hoping
that somebody would feel a certain way about you, it
didn't work. There's a better way to live your life,
(17:19):
which is let people feel what they're going to feel,
think what they're going to think, follow you or unfollow you, misunderstated,
Just let them because they're going to anyway, So why
would you waste any time on it.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
That's it.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
I can't listen because I feel like I'm listening to
you on audible because that's how I read the book,
and I know you do side bars all the time,
and like, I know it's different because you buried your
had things.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
But I feel like you know that she's with me.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
In the cars right now, right, and I feel like
that's my friend, MoU, it is your friend.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
It's your friend, mo. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Mel Robbins. Of course, the let them theory.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
It's out and I expect everyone listening to the sound
of my vost to buy fourteen copies because they're really decorative,
these books.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Yes, I mean they designed this cover to show up
on a beach.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Actually, I love that you said that because the color
of it. We were told old green books don't sell
and it's bad luck to do a green book. And
it was inspired by Cordi Thorne and Rose's book two.
I'm a big fantasy reader, and so my daughter and
I were like, oh, we love the cover of book too,
Let's do green and yellow.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
And then we did it.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
And as we were designing it, I said to my daughter,
this cover has to if you're walking down the beach,
you have to be able to go, oh, there's that book.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
It's everywhere, yes, and the airport.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Everywhere, well, everywhere I see it.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I have to say that, you know, Jay Shady's a
good friend of ours. Jefferson Fisher. I've fallen in love
with this guy. If you've ever seen him, he's usually
in his car telling you like how to cut people
off and they're trying to f with your head.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
He's great. And I saw the podcast for the two
of you.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Yeah, are there other people like that emerging that could
be the next best seller that we should be following.
I love I love to collect these incredible forces on my.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Instagram Jefferson Fisher fantastic human being. I also love doctor Julie.
Do you know doctor Julie is in the UK who's
that well? I love her because she's a psychiatrist or
psychologist that uses all these models to explain different principles.
So she'll like take out kids toys and show you
these intellectual concepts. And she's a mom of three kids.
(19:11):
And when she flew over to be on the podcast,
she brought her three kids and it was just really
fun and we did all these things with physical models.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
So I really like her too.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Look at that, but there's a lot of it, like look,
I here's my philosophy in life is you can learn
from anybody because on the road of life. You know,
you might be ahead of me by three steps because
you've gone through something that I haven't, so you can
help me.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I might be ahead of you.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
At another time because I've gone through something with you, know,
my son, and now I can help you. You are
best equipped to help the person you used to be.
And I don't think that you need some fancy credentials
or a New York Times bestselling book to make a
difference in another person's life. I think we all have
important stories to share, lessons that we can teach other people,
things that we can learn from our lives. And if
(19:55):
you look at everybody around you with the potential that
you could learn something from them, it changes everybody's ability
to lift each other up. And that's a really cool thing.
And so you can be the next Jefferson Fisher. You
could be the next person that does something online that
really reaches somebody halfway across the world that really needed
(20:18):
to hear it. Like, there's eight billion people on this planet,
and so there's something about the way that you're going
to say something that is going to reach somebody in
a way that I can't because my life experience is
different than yours.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I'm over halfway through the book, and now I want
to reach read by listening to the audible version. I
know I'm over halfway through the book. Because you're getting
into friendships and how important they are. Our friend Barbara
Krkerman was here the other day, said Barbara, still she
one of my best friends. Barbara at checks, I look
at her sitting in this is she's sitting in his chair.
I said, Barbara, you're almost one hundred and five years old.
What is it in life that you love and the most?
(20:51):
And she said, surrounding myself with the people I love
friends and talk about that because I think this is
such an important, powerful thing. People need to pay more
time too, and that's the people they surround themselves with.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Absolutely.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Well, it's easy to forget that this all ends the
same way for all of us. And at the end
of your life, you're not going to be in a
hearse that's pulling a U haul full of crap, and
people aren't going to care much about your acknowledgments. Like
if you do it right, you actually reflect on your
life and you say to yourself, I am proud of
the way that I used my time and energy, that
(21:27):
I was a good boss. I was a good parent,
I was a good friend, And if you do it right,
you're surrounded by people that you care about who love you,
and it's easy to get caught up. I know I
certainly have in the day to day or in chasing
the next thing, that you forget that it's really about
the people. And one thing that has helped me a
(21:47):
lot with the let them theory is really understanding the
nature of friendship. And in order to create friendships, three
things have to be present. Proximity, timing, and energy. That's it,
and these factors have been proven by research. In order
to be a casual friend with somebody, you got to
spend about seventy hours. To be a good friend, you
(22:07):
got to spend two hundred. And when we were little,
from zero to twenty, we were around people our same age,
going through life at the exact same time, celebrating the
same milestones, the same vacations, the same everything. So you
were in proximity with so many people your age, You
were in the same timing of life, and schools set
up the structure for it, and you could understand, Okay,
do I click do I not click with these people?
(22:29):
Then you hit your twenties and what I call the
great scattering happens. Everybody suddenly is going in different directions.
But you don't realize that it's always about these three
things proximity, timing, and energy. And so it begs the question,
why aren't you just best best best friends with everybody
at work? Because from the age of twenty to sixty,
you'll spend more time at work with people than you
will friends and family combined. Well, the reason why is timing.
(22:53):
So if you're in your twenties at work and you
work with people that are in their fifties, you may
love these people and have great energy, but you in
different time of life. Like you know, my daughter's out
partying and throwing up in a garbage can and she
comes in on a Monday. You know she's not really
gonna click with people talking about what they did at
the soccer field with their kids on the weekend. And
that's why you can love people at work, but they're
(23:14):
just not the best of friends. And this is also
why I hate this trend. Got to break up with
that toxic friend. No, you don't let them come in
and out of your life, let them come and go
just because you don't see them doesn't mean you're not friends.
What if you took a flexible approach and recognize that
everybody you've ever met, unless you had some massive destructive
(23:35):
falling out, everybody's still your friend. And your job isn't
to sit back and be transactional and wait for them
to reach out. If you want good relationships, it's not
on them, it's on you.
Speaker 5 (23:45):
Is there ever a time, though, that you say no,
I'm not gonna let them, I'm not gonna let that
person treat me this way.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
Or do that thing.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Okay, great, So yes, all the time, I hope, because
you're gonna say let them.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
So do you have an example me?
Speaker 5 (24:00):
I mean, in the past, I had worked with people
who were terrible to be around every single day. Okay,
it was terrible, and I used to think, Okay, I'm
just gonna let this person do whatever they're going to
do because I cannot control that.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Correct.
Speaker 5 (24:11):
However, there were boundaries, yes, where it came to that
I'm not gonna let you break like that.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
They let me part because you can't ever control whether
or not the words are going to come out in
a particular tone. Let me is where you have to
take the power back and ask yourself, how am I
going to respond to this? And how you respond to things,
especially when it's a disrespect is going to depend on
(24:36):
a lot of things. It's going to depend on your
energy today. It's going to depend on the situation that
you're in. You get to choose if you speak up
and be like, look, I realize you're stressed out, but
you're gonna have to apologize for how your stress is
impacting me. You get to choose if you're going to
go to HR. You get to choose if you're going
to stay in that job, because you have the power.
I'm going to recognize this is who this person is.
But now it's on me to hold a boundary and
(24:57):
respect myself enough to either get out of this job
or go to HR, or call out the tone of
voice and do what.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
I need to do.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
See, I think this if we extend it into dating,
like one of the big crises in dating right now
is that people explain away crappy behavior, like people like
if you're going out on a date with somebody, or
if you're in a situationship and you know you're sleeping
with somebody and they slink like a cat out the
door in the morning, let them, because that's data they're
(25:26):
showing you they don't want to hang out with you,
and you have to decide if this is attractive or
what you deserve in your life. They're not the problem,
you are if you allow it. And that's not victim blaming.
It is a conversation about where's the control and the power.
Most of us get in these relationships and we explain
away the disrespect or we cling onto the fantasy and
(25:48):
we don't look at the reality that we're in. And
if you could look at people's behavior when they goes
to you, when you have to chase them, like you
inserting yourself into somebody's friend group and really thinking, oh,
if I just hang around them more, maybe they're going
to like me. No, they're already showing you they don't
like you. And then take a step back and you'll
let me remind myself it's up to me to decide
(26:08):
if this is what I deserve.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Wow, this is sort of goes back to the theory
we always talk about arranged marriages are actually sometimes a
great thing because your friends.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
And family know you.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Yeah, and how you're going going to totally be in
denial with someone you're dating, but they see it. No,
that's just another theory. There's something interesting going on here
in the room now. Danielle, of course a huge fan
of yours, but her husband, Sheldon.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
We fight over you.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
They fight over in their own bed. They fight over
who knows you best.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
You're the third part.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
So, Sheldon, you've been quiet, I have unleash.
Speaker 7 (26:37):
Well here's the thing. So the last month my wife,
Danielle has been peacocking around our house saying, oh, listen,
I've found this new great person who's going to influence
our life. I'm like, ohe Gray, who's that?
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Mel Robbins.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
I'm like, really, where you've been?
Speaker 7 (26:50):
I said, I've been best friends with Mel Robbins in
my head for ten years. Can you tell me what
the three two one method is of getting a better
night sleep? Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
No? No, exactly?
Speaker 7 (27:00):
And when was the last time you used the five
four three two one method in actuality?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
I know you read it, but have you done it?
Speaker 7 (27:06):
No?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
I did it this morning? About that?
Speaker 7 (27:08):
I can't if I didn't want to get out of
bed this morning, I simply imagine New Year's even I'm
counting down to five four three two one, And there's
thirty other people in my bedroom right now, and they're
cheering for me to get out of bed. So why
wouldn't I get out of bed with a pep in
my step? This?
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Wait?
Speaker 6 (27:22):
The other day. The other day, we were at a
track meet and there was a guy and he was
acting like a total ass right, and I wanted to
say something. I was ready, I had the words, and
I said, meltaid, let them.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
So I'm like, I'm just gonna let them.
Speaker 6 (27:36):
So then we got in the car and I started
cursing the guy out in the car and he turns
to me and he goes, what did meltay?
Speaker 3 (27:42):
I know, let them?
Speaker 6 (27:43):
So then I let them, and I actually did feel better.
So I take credit for that. And I think I'm
your friend more.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Than that, both your friends.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
I'll let you both think whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
So they go on and on and I just let them. Yeah,
I want to go down, Thank you, I want to
go down.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I just notes Okay, from the Latin theory, maybe as
I see it, stop wasting energy on things you cannot control.
Stop comparing yourself to other people, Break free from fear
and self doubt, release the grip of people's expectations. Loving
that build the best friendships of your life. We talked
about that, create that love you deserve. Pursue what truly
(28:21):
matters to you with confidence, build resilience against everyday stressors distractions,
define your own past to success, joy and fulfillment, and
so much more. That's a taller order, it sure is,
and it's in one book.
Speaker 4 (28:32):
It is because all you need is one tool. The
only person that can keep you from what's meant for
you in life is you. No other human being is
blocking your way.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
We are our own worst enemizing.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Yes, but look, I didn't realize the star I was
fifty four. Like I was, I constantly let other people
stress me out. I was constantly tired and overwhelmed and
jealous and pissed off about stupid things, and then blaming
my stress.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
And my on the world around me.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
It wasn't until I started to say those words let
them that I erected a boundary between the outside world
and how I was allowing it to stress me out
and drain me. And once you stop draining yourself, you
start to get your energy back, and you start to
realize your time matters and your energy is everything. Your
(29:24):
experience of life is determined by what you spend time
on and what you pour energy into full stop.
Speaker 6 (29:31):
Do you still have those days though, where you're like,
I can't do it today, of how do you get
yourself back on track?
Speaker 4 (29:36):
Well, I let myself have that day like so, I
think it's important like that. There are times in life
where the mentally healthy response. This goes to your question
about sadness. There are times in life where it's important
to just be down. But often when things are bad,
you're still carrying the weight of how this is impacting
(29:57):
other people, like when you're down like I with a
lot of people. My husband's has struggled with depression, and
a lot of what he felt other than that dark cloud,
was this sense of added shame that he wasn't able
to show up in those moments for the family, you know,
carrying this burden that somehow he is responsible for showing
(30:20):
up a certain way because.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
We need it.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
I wish we had had let them, because it would
give you the grace to be able to release the
responsibility of everybody else so that you can actually take
care of yourself. And let's look at the word responsibility.
Responsibility is just the ability to respond. And life is
going to be happening out there all the time. The
headlines are going to be what they're going to be.
(30:43):
People in your life are going to struggle, Jobs are
going to come and go, think, the economy is going
to go up and down.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Let it.
Speaker 4 (30:50):
Your response to what's happening is everything. And in fact,
you know, I spoke to doctor Martin Luther King the
third during you know that when we were talking about
this book, and it was incredible to hear him reflect
you know this s mouth is my father's legacy that
the power is in your response to what's happening. You
get to choose peace, You get to choose what you
(31:11):
fight for, You get to choose how you're going to
show up in the face of things that seem dark
and so understanding that you have more power than you
realize is a very incredible thing.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
The power of the word no. Remember we used to
preset all the time.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
It's a sentence.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Remember, yeah, no is the sentence years ago. And you
gave me a hat no on it, which is my
favorite hat to wear. But that was my first foray
into like, okay, I do have the power to be
in control here say no. Saying no is just the
most wonderful word, and.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Then let them be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Does this where you at, by the way, well these questions,
when you're done with.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
This in these these interviews, does she go to the
car and just go damn, I'm done.
Speaker 5 (31:54):
Sit there in silence.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I'm gonna take off my spanks and just explode.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
And just no.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
You know I because I think what's standing in people's
way most is discouragement, right, the sense that it doesn't
matter what you do, nothing's going to change. And if
there's anything that I hope to offer people, especially at
a very dark moment, I really want to be a
light that activates a sense of hope and encouragement in
(32:23):
you that yes things can get better, and yes there
are things that you can use, and yes it matters,
It matters profoundly.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So this charges you up this conversation absolutely, all right, Yes,
go ahead, gond.
Speaker 5 (32:34):
Okay, So you've obviously been very inspirational to so many
people and they're getting let them tattooed on them. I
see a tattooed on your wrists. I can't read the
entire thing. It says, it shall be what it shall be.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
It shall be.
Speaker 4 (32:45):
It shall be is a reminder in your ability to
figure it out. Like I really do believe that, I
think you can look backwards in your life and even
the horrible things that happened that you didn't deserve, you
can see how every twist and led you to where
you are today. You can see the lessons in it.
You can kind of understand how it shaped you and
(33:06):
led you to this moment it shall be. And this
skill that I believe that everybody can learn is standing
in this moment and actually doing that to the future,
that this moment, too, is but a brick on the
path of your life that is leading you somewhere, and
you can stand in this moment and even when it's
(33:27):
devastating or heartbreaking or overwhelming and scary, that you can
hold your own hand and remind yourself that this is
but a moment and some point in the future there
is such a bigger possibility that is waiting for you,
and your job is not to doubt that. Your job
is to trust that it is coming and that at
(33:48):
some point you'll look back and understand why this happened
and what you learned from it, because it was preparing
you for something bigger that was coming.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
And that's why that tattoos there to remind you, well,
you're my best friend who passed away his line and
his tattoo was just be it that thinks.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
That's my first and only tatto. I'm gonna get, Danielle,
I don't.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Even know what to say. I love the book. It's great.
It's so inspirational.
Speaker 6 (34:13):
I love the I think a lot of younger people
should read it as well.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
I think that the people towing up in trash can, Yes,
in trash can.
Speaker 6 (34:21):
Because I know our son was just going through something,
you know, something similar to what we all do. Yeah,
And I think that he would take a lot from
this book. So I don't think it's It's definitely geared
to so many different people.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Mel I cannot tell you how grateful him that you
spent time with us today.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Well, thank you for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
The let them theory is out, of course, Why don't
you be one of the kabillions of people who made
it the best selling book.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
There's the thing.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
You don't even need to buy it. We just told
you how to use it.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah, nothing from Sheldon.
Speaker 7 (34:46):
I mean, I'm thrilled to be here. I love the
fact that this is a moment that I have pictured
in my mind for many, many years. But you are
exactly who I thought you would be. So thanks for
everything you give to everyone.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Mel Robbins. Of course the let them theory. It's out,
go get it.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Thank you now,
Live from the Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge. Mel Robbins, thank
you for dropping by.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I know you're the busiest person in show business.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
Oh no, that's not true. I think you are now
am not. I live in Vermont. I am not the
busiest person in show business.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Well, welcome to our show.
Speaker 3 (00:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
We're so excited that you're here.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
It's a dream come true. To be honest, but I'm
not going to butter your biscuit anymore.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
That sounds very sexual.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Biscuits buttered the number one New York bestseller, They'll let them.
Theory is out and we're talking about a book that
people in the publishing industry are saying, well maybe one
of the biggest selling books of all time, which has
got to freak you out just a little bit.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Or do you believe it? Are they liars?
Speaker 4 (00:46):
I you know, you know, it's a weird thing to
talk about. Is like, there is no doubt. This is
my legacy, this book, this book, this is my legacy.
It's so I can't believe, mister Crane again, I I
am so blown away by the impact it's making and
(01:07):
the fact that people are interested in reading a book.
You know that is not helping you escape your life,
but helping you turn toward your life.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Wow, now I'm going to start crying, so you can.
Speaker 5 (01:21):
People need that right now so desperately.
Speaker 4 (01:24):
Yes, I feel you know, there are so many moments
in your life where you're going to feel impatient and
where you're going to feel like you're not quite sure
where things are going. And I know over the past
sixteen years in particular, I've certainly felt that way. And
what has happened with this theory and the way it's
spread around the world is I now can look back
(01:46):
and go, Oh, all of those reps you were putting in,
all of those days you got yourself out of bed,
all of those days you didn't quit, all of those
times you kept going even though you got fired or
that didn't work out, or you didn't think it was
going to happen. It's because you were being held for
this moment. And I really believe that. You know, there
(02:07):
are two skills that I would love to talk about
today that have made a huge difference in my life
that anybody can learn. Number One, it is a skill
in life to learn how to make yourself do the
things you don't feel like doing. Like, if you only
did the things you don't feel like doing, you'd have
everything you've ever wanted. Motivation is complete garbage. Stop sitting
around waiting for it. It's not coming. Nobody's coming to
(02:29):
save you. You have everything you need inside you. That's not
some sort of wizard of oz gobbly gooo woo woo crap.
The truth is you have the ability to push yourself
through anxiety, through depression, through overwhelm, through fear, through anything
that is currently holding you back, and do the simple
things that will change your life.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
And what was the second? Do you remember?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (02:53):
And the second is teaching yourself how to believe in
a bigger possibility that are going to work out for you.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I just wanted people to hear those two things because
I well, people almays.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
Ask me, how did you How did you become Mel Robbins?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
And I'm like, how did you become Mel Robins?
Speaker 4 (03:11):
By teaching myself how to get out of bed on
those moments when the anxiety and depression was so crushing
and I felt like what was the point?
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Right?
Speaker 6 (03:23):
And there's at one point in the book where you
go I walked into my friend's house and she had
just renovated the whole house and.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
You were so jealous.
Speaker 6 (03:29):
Yes, and you were so and that's and that's the
point where I feel you were like, f this, I
gotta do something.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Well, you know, there's again, life is always teaching you something,
so you know, for for if you're listening and this
is the first time that you're either watching or hearing
my voice. My story begins sixteen years ago when we
were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt and my husband's
restaurant business was going under and I was unemployed at
the time, and we had three kids ten and under,
and that was not the vision for my life. And
(03:56):
what you will find is that it's easy to give
other people advice, but when the you know what hits
the fan in your own life, you get paralyzed with
the fear that you're not going to figure it out.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And that was me.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
And instead of doing what I knew I needed to do,
which was get a job, stop screaming at Chris, get
out of bed, get the kids on the bus, ask
for help, I did the opposite. I drank myself into
the ground and I would lay in bed like a
human pot roast, staring at the ceiling.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
God, this sounds good.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Yeah, I wouldn't open the bills.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
They just kept piling up on the counter, and it
gets worse and worse, and then you start to convince
yourself there's nothing you can do, and that's a lie.
There is always something you can do to improve even
the worst of situations through your attitude, through your actions,
and through the way you process your emotions. And this
is not a new idea, by the way, this is
Victor Frankel's man search for meaning. This is what's true
(04:46):
about the human experience. And so I became the success
that you see today due to sixteen years of boring,
grueling reps that I would put in every day that
began with just get your butt out of bed on
the mornings. You don't feel like it.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Wow, you know, very simple the five four three two
one theory of the the countdown. There's always something we're
procrastinating about.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
I don't want to go out of bed. I don't
want to do this.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
You got to be that rocket at Cape Canaveral that's
about to take off, and once the countdown is done,
down one and then blast off, you have no choice
but to go to outer space and it actually works.
I've actually applied this to my life and it works.
When I first read that, I'm like, this.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Is what this is stupid?
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Yes I agree, So number one.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Bence out of this crap.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Yes it works, it works.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Tell everyone was sound.
Speaker 4 (05:36):
Five second RUL is super simple. It's a It's a
hack you can use for instant courage or motivation. Any
moment where you have this instinct that you should do something,
whether it's speaking up at work, or it's getting out
of bed, or it's putting the phone down and actually
stepping outside for a walk, whatever it may be. Just
start counting five four three two one. You got to
count backwards. Does not work if you count up, because
(05:56):
you've been taught to count up your entire life, so
it's already recorded and you're subconscious. The trick works because
if you count backwards five four three two one, it
requires a moment where you have to focus on the counting,
and that pulls the front part of your brain, the
prefrontal cortex online. So now you've just activated the part
of the brain that you need to change behavior or
(06:18):
to actually push yourself to do something. You're now in
control for a moment and the other reason why it
works is because it's like the first domino. Counting is
an action, and if you've actually decided to count five four,
three two one, you've already decided to do it, So
you're going to do it the first domino. Yeah, and
then you move five, fourth, three to one.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Move Now. I didn't know any of this when I
invented it.
Speaker 4 (06:38):
I invented it after having four bourbon Manhattans and seeing
a rocket ship launch across a television screen, right and thinking, oh.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
My god, Okay, that is a sign from God. Tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Launch great ideas happened to Tabar.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
I have no problem with that, you know, I always
say that, you know, my expertise comes from being life tested, right,
like when you're in that hole.
Speaker 3 (07:00):
There's a lot of things that you learn about life.
Speaker 6 (07:03):
But that's the best part about the book is that
you're so honest about that, where you're not just like
shoving this information down people's throats. You're saying, Okay, here's
an example. This is what happened to me.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Yeah, totally, Like I am the villain in my own
book for sure, like the person they find that you know,
as you read the let them theory, or like you
hear the stories from it, you're like, oh my gosh,
old Mel was pretty awful, jealous friend, immature, constantly taking
her emotions out on her family.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
You know.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Wow, this either reminds me of me or it reminds
me of somebody in my life that I wish would change.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
And so I also think.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
The success of this is is because let them and
let Me is so simple and it's a tool. You
don't have to think about it, you just use it
and it works. And also this is a book that
is largely about stories, and but the stories are what
translates the research.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
But I'm sure from time to time you still throw
sharp objects. You're crazy, Okay, just making sure I need
to know that.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
Yes, So from all the things that you saying, it's
not about the end, it's more about the beginning and
getting started. Yes, how can you I know you're saying
get out of bed. But for people who are just
super sad and they're having a tough time that day,
aside from get out of bed, what do you tell them?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Well, if you're having a tough day, the first thing
I want you to understand is that in order to
have good days, you gotta have bad days, and reminding
yourself that this is temporary and that another wave is
gonna come and you have the ability to just ride
this wave. You don't have to gaslight yourself into positivity.
You can just allow yourself to be sad. One of
(08:33):
the things that is very helpful for me is to
say things like I'm sad because I'm going to allow
myself to be a little down today because and the
because is important because then sadness doesn't become your identity.
You've identified the thing that makes you sad, and there
are going to be times where being sad or heartbroken
or down is a mentally healthy response to the things
(08:55):
that are going on in life. And you know, the
other thing that I would tell you is I do
think they'll let them think will help a lot, because
if you find that you're at a point in your
life where you're overwhelmed, you're struggling, you're worried, you're sad,
you're tired, or you just are working very hard and
nothing's clicking. The problem isn't you. The problem is that you,
(09:17):
unknowingly are giving so much of your power to other
people to what they think, to their expectations, to their moods,
to the drama that's going on, to their beliefs. And
when you give power to other people, you have none
left for yourself. That's why you're tired. And so this
book and the Let Them Theory is actually about power
(09:38):
and control. What can you can control, what can you
not control? Where is power and where are you giving
it away?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Well, the let Them Theory there is actually a theory,
and there's actually so sort of an easy to figure
out outline to that. I want to get into that
in a second. We'll be right back, and we're back
more with Mel Robbins. So when you and your daughter
together wrote the Let Them Theory, they knew they have
had a hit already.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
They knew this thing was going to be big.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
Well, I'll tell you why, because it was excruciating to
write this together. So she does this research project where
I wanted her to go and look at all the
comments online from the podcast and from some of the
social media posts that we had put up, look at
articles that were starting to get written about Let Them.
And she came back and was like, you can't write
this book. And I was like why, and she said, well,
(10:24):
everybody loves it, except for there's like this slice of people.
They're saying, let them feels good if it's making them lonely.
And then you're kind of left sitting with now what.
My brothers and sisters don't reach out unless I do.
My friends aren't checking in on me unless I check out.
Speaker 7 (10:38):
What?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
Now what?
Speaker 4 (10:39):
And she says, you can't put a book out that
makes people lonely and kind of arrogant. And she said
there has to be a second part. And that was
the genesis for let me right, because you have to
let them is when you stop worrying about other people's
opinions and feelings and moods and making it your responsibility
to make everybody else happy. And then you got to go, okay,
but now what, let me remind myself that my power
(11:02):
is actually in how I think about things and what
I do or don't do, and how I process my emotions.
And so she is the reason why they let Me
part started. And then I was like, well, then we
got to write this together. So now we have two
totally different working styles. Like my brain is like take
a bunch of mice in a cardboard box and tip
it over in a kitchen, and she's a walking Excel spreadsheet.
Plus we're mother daughter. We were like, I would come
(11:25):
and be like, I wanted to write this story about
my friends and being a jealous, you know, jerk, and
she's like, now what my age cares about that story?
And then we fight about it, and then we get mad,
and then and then we'd both be like let her,
and then she would leave and go to a different room,
and then I would leave as we'd get frustrated. And
so we actually sorted through every aspect of the book
and we argued over everything. Because she wanted to make
it relevant to twenty somethings. I wanted to make it relevant,
(11:47):
you know, to kind of like a little bit older demographic.
And the result was we argued over every word. And
in fact, another incredible story is that when we wrote
the love section, we're getting near the end of the book.
There's eight sections. Her boyfriend of two years, the one
she thought that was going to be the end of
the aisle dumb sir. She's like, I hate this theory.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
What am I supposed to do? Just let him leave,
let him sleep with somebody else?
Speaker 7 (12:11):
What?
Speaker 4 (12:12):
And so we wrote the breakup guide and using the
let them theory as she was going through it in
real time. And I gotta say it was incredible because
she had to use let them to manage her emotions
and the let me part and I had to use
let them and let her to give her the dignity
(12:36):
of her own experience without wanting to solve it, like
I wanted to text the other mom constantly. I wanted
to reach out to him like you know when she's
when she's like you know. One of the pieces of
advice is nobody actually goes through the detox in a breakup.
This is why you don't get over people. When you
break off a relationship. What you don't realize is that
(12:58):
you are neurologically and in your nervous system hardwired to
be connected to this person. So for the first couple
of weeks, when you think you hear them talking, that's
not because they miss you, that's not because you should
get back together. That's because your brain has patterns that
have been encoded that it's just repeating. And if you've
(13:18):
never gone thirty days without looking at a photo or
listening to a voice memo or watching their social media profile,
then you've never fully actually given your nervous system in
your brain a chance to get over them. Every time
you listen to a voice memo, every time you look
at a photo, you reactivate that circuitry. It's just like
(13:39):
an alcoholic who has a drink, and so you have
to do this thirty day thing where you don't look
at anything, put their stuff in a box. I had
to go through the digital frame in the kitchen. Pause pause,
because I'm not I don't want to delete, because I'm
holding out hope. Right pause, pause, pause, you know, because
but I have to let her have this experience. And
(14:01):
what's interesting is when you have somebody in your life
who's going through something it's so uncomfortable that you want
to save them from it, if you can learn to
give them a little space while you're standing on the
sidelines in support, like how would you like me to
show up? What's interesting is you actually signal to somebody,
I believe in your capacity to change. I believe in
(14:24):
your capacity to move through this. And as a mom,
it's been incredible to recognize that my innate desire to
want my husband to change doesn't make him change. It
also creates a distance between us. Learning how to let
him be who he is and forcing myself to accept
and love him as he is. Like, that's a whole
(14:46):
different way to be with somebody's they always I heard
somebody say once that second marriages are amazing, especially when
it's with the same person.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
And when you change how you show up, you change
the relationship. But we've always put the pressure on other
people to change when actually you've got the power based
on your energy and your attitude towards somebody, and creating
space for somebody to be themselves is actually the best
way to love them.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
When you were writing this, did you have any idea
how many people were gonna tattoo let them on their bodies?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Because it's all I see everywhere.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
Well, it's apparently because we you know, we went through
the process of contacting every tattoo studio that you see
in here.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And getting rights for it.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Really, and every one of them are like, I got
to tell you, this is the number one tattoo that everywhere,
well because seeing it and I love seeing now the
let me tattoos because let them. When you say it,
it's instant peace because you're reminding yourself this drama or
this situation does not deserve to be stressing me out.
(15:46):
My time and energy is worth protecting. So when you
say let them, it's a boundary.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
So a big.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Mistake that people like have about this is that, well,
aren't you just letting them treat you like garbage? I'm like, no,
they already are. You're explaining it away. When you say
let them, you're erecting a boundary between yourself and the
other person, and you're saying yourself, Okay, let them be
who they are, let them do what they're doing, because
their behavior is giving me data.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Now I get to choose.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
See, that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
When I first saw the book and the title, I
automatically go to, well, let them.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Let me just make an assumption what this is about.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Let them Okay, someone said something just really disrespectful to me, whatever, Okay,
let them because what they're saying doesn't matter. Well, I
don't get I'm not giving them the power. That's the
point to mess with my power. So that was my
that's my assumption before I picked.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Up the But here's the other thing.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
One of the things that you'll recognize when you start
saying this let them and let me is that the
one thing in life, you have no control over is
what another human being thinks, says, believes, does no control.
And so it is the biggest form of gaslighting to
yourself to think that there is absolutely something you could
do that would guarantee that somebody has a thought. And
(16:58):
I'll give you an example. We've all had the experience
where you've bent over backwards. You go to some party
you don't want to go to. You do it because
you don't want people to be mad at you, or
you feel guilty, and then you get to the party
and the host is kind of annoyed because you're not
as fun as you normally are. And so even though
you bent over backwards and you did this thing hoping
that somebody would feel a certain way about you, it
didn't work. There's a better way to live your life,
(17:19):
which is let people feel what they're going to feel,
think what they're going to think, follow you or unfollow you, misunderstated,
Just let them because they're going to anyway, So why
would you waste any time on it.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
That's it.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
I can't listen because I feel like I'm listening to
you on audible because that's how I read the book,
and I know you do side bars all the time,
and like, I know it's different because you buried your
had things.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
But I feel like you know that she's with me.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
In the cars right now, right, and I feel like
that's my friend, MoU, it is your friend.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
It's your friend, mo. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Mel Robbins. Of course, the let them theory.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
It's out and I expect everyone listening to the sound
of my vost to buy fourteen copies because they're really decorative,
these books.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Yes, I mean they designed this cover to show up
on a beach.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Actually, I love that you said that because the color
of it. We were told old green books don't sell
and it's bad luck to do a green book. And
it was inspired by Cordi Thorne and Rose's book two.
I'm a big fantasy reader, and so my daughter and
I were like, oh, we love the cover of book too,
Let's do green and yellow.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
And then we did it.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
And as we were designing it, I said to my daughter,
this cover has to if you're walking down the beach,
you have to be able to go, oh, there's that book.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
It's everywhere, yes, and the airport.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Everywhere, well, everywhere I see it.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I have to say that, you know, Jay Shady's a
good friend of ours. Jefferson Fisher. I've fallen in love
with this guy. If you've ever seen him, he's usually
in his car telling you like how to cut people
off and they're trying to f with your head.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
He's great. And I saw the podcast for the two
of you.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Yeah, are there other people like that emerging that could
be the next best seller that we should be following.
I love I love to collect these incredible forces on my.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Instagram Jefferson Fisher fantastic human being. I also love doctor Julie.
Do you know doctor Julie is in the UK who's
that well? I love her because she's a psychiatrist or
psychologist that uses all these models to explain different principles.
So she'll like take out kids toys and show you
these intellectual concepts. And she's a mom of three kids.
(19:11):
And when she flew over to be on the podcast,
she brought her three kids and it was just really
fun and we did all these things with physical models.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
So I really like her too.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
Look at that, but there's a lot of it, like look,
I here's my philosophy in life is you can learn
from anybody because on the road of life. You know,
you might be ahead of me by three steps because
you've gone through something that I haven't, so you can
help me.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I might be ahead of you.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
At another time because I've gone through something with you, know,
my son, and now I can help you. You are
best equipped to help the person you used to be.
And I don't think that you need some fancy credentials
or a New York Times bestselling book to make a
difference in another person's life. I think we all have
important stories to share, lessons that we can teach other people,
things that we can learn from our lives. And if
(19:55):
you look at everybody around you with the potential that
you could learn something from them, it changes everybody's ability
to lift each other up. And that's a really cool thing.
And so you can be the next Jefferson Fisher. You
could be the next person that does something online that
really reaches somebody halfway across the world that really needed
(20:18):
to hear it. Like, there's eight billion people on this planet,
and so there's something about the way that you're going
to say something that is going to reach somebody in
a way that I can't because my life experience is
different than yours.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I'm over halfway through the book, and now I want
to reach read by listening to the audible version. I
know I'm over halfway through the book. Because you're getting
into friendships and how important they are. Our friend Barbara
Krkerman was here the other day, said Barbara, still she
one of my best friends. Barbara at checks, I look
at her sitting in this is she's sitting in his chair.
I said, Barbara, you're almost one hundred and five years old.
What is it in life that you love and the most?
(20:51):
And she said, surrounding myself with the people I love
friends and talk about that because I think this is
such an important, powerful thing. People need to pay more
time too, and that's the people they surround themselves with.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Absolutely.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Well, it's easy to forget that this all ends the
same way for all of us. And at the end
of your life, you're not going to be in a
hearse that's pulling a U haul full of crap, and
people aren't going to care much about your acknowledgments. Like
if you do it right, you actually reflect on your
life and you say to yourself, I am proud of
the way that I used my time and energy, that
(21:27):
I was a good boss. I was a good parent,
I was a good friend, And if you do it right,
you're surrounded by people that you care about who love you,
and it's easy to get caught up. I know I
certainly have in the day to day or in chasing
the next thing, that you forget that it's really about
the people. And one thing that has helped me a
(21:47):
lot with the let them theory is really understanding the
nature of friendship. And in order to create friendships, three
things have to be present. Proximity, timing, and energy. That's it,
and these factors have been proven by research. In order
to be a casual friend with somebody, you got to
spend about seventy hours. To be a good friend, you
(22:07):
got to spend two hundred. And when we were little,
from zero to twenty, we were around people our same age,
going through life at the exact same time, celebrating the
same milestones, the same vacations, the same everything. So you
were in proximity with so many people your age, You
were in the same timing of life, and schools set
up the structure for it, and you could understand, Okay,
do I click do I not click with these people?
(22:29):
Then you hit your twenties and what I call the
great scattering happens. Everybody suddenly is going in different directions.
But you don't realize that it's always about these three
things proximity, timing, and energy. And so it begs the question,
why aren't you just best best best friends with everybody
at work? Because from the age of twenty to sixty,
you'll spend more time at work with people than you
will friends and family combined. Well, the reason why is timing.
(22:53):
So if you're in your twenties at work and you
work with people that are in their fifties, you may
love these people and have great energy, but you in
different time of life. Like you know, my daughter's out
partying and throwing up in a garbage can and she
comes in on a Monday. You know she's not really
gonna click with people talking about what they did at
the soccer field with their kids on the weekend. And
that's why you can love people at work, but they're
(23:14):
just not the best of friends. And this is also
why I hate this trend. Got to break up with
that toxic friend. No, you don't let them come in
and out of your life, let them come and go
just because you don't see them doesn't mean you're not friends.
What if you took a flexible approach and recognize that
everybody you've ever met, unless you had some massive destructive
(23:35):
falling out, everybody's still your friend. And your job isn't
to sit back and be transactional and wait for them
to reach out. If you want good relationships, it's not
on them, it's on you.
Speaker 5 (23:45):
Is there ever a time, though, that you say no,
I'm not gonna let them, I'm not gonna let that
person treat me this way.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
Or do that thing.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Okay, great, So yes, all the time, I hope, because
you're gonna say let them.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
So do you have an example me?
Speaker 5 (24:00):
I mean, in the past, I had worked with people
who were terrible to be around every single day. Okay,
it was terrible, and I used to think, Okay, I'm
just gonna let this person do whatever they're going to
do because I cannot control that.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Correct.
Speaker 5 (24:11):
However, there were boundaries, yes, where it came to that
I'm not gonna let you break like that.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
They let me part because you can't ever control whether
or not the words are going to come out in
a particular tone. Let me is where you have to
take the power back and ask yourself, how am I
going to respond to this? And how you respond to things,
especially when it's a disrespect is going to depend on
(24:36):
a lot of things. It's going to depend on your
energy today. It's going to depend on the situation that
you're in. You get to choose if you speak up
and be like, look, I realize you're stressed out, but
you're gonna have to apologize for how your stress is
impacting me. You get to choose if you're going to
go to HR. You get to choose if you're going
to stay in that job, because you have the power.
I'm going to recognize this is who this person is.
But now it's on me to hold a boundary and
(24:57):
respect myself enough to either get out of this job
or go to HR, or call out the tone of
voice and do what.
Speaker 3 (25:05):
I need to do.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
See, I think this if we extend it into dating,
like one of the big crises in dating right now
is that people explain away crappy behavior, like people like
if you're going out on a date with somebody, or
if you're in a situationship and you know you're sleeping
with somebody and they slink like a cat out the
door in the morning, let them, because that's data they're
(25:26):
showing you they don't want to hang out with you,
and you have to decide if this is attractive or
what you deserve in your life. They're not the problem,
you are if you allow it. And that's not victim blaming.
It is a conversation about where's the control and the power.
Most of us get in these relationships and we explain
away the disrespect or we cling onto the fantasy and
(25:48):
we don't look at the reality that we're in. And
if you could look at people's behavior when they goes
to you, when you have to chase them, like you
inserting yourself into somebody's friend group and really thinking, oh,
if I just hang around them more, maybe they're going
to like me. No, they're already showing you they don't
like you. And then take a step back and you'll
let me remind myself it's up to me to decide
(26:08):
if this is what I deserve.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Wow, this is sort of goes back to the theory
we always talk about arranged marriages are actually sometimes a
great thing because your friends.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
And family know you.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Yeah, and how you're going going to totally be in
denial with someone you're dating, but they see it. No,
that's just another theory. There's something interesting going on here
in the room now. Danielle, of course a huge fan
of yours, but her husband, Sheldon.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
We fight over you.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
They fight over in their own bed. They fight over
who knows you best.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
You're the third part.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
So, Sheldon, you've been quiet, I have unleash.
Speaker 7 (26:37):
Well here's the thing. So the last month my wife,
Danielle has been peacocking around our house saying, oh, listen,
I've found this new great person who's going to influence
our life. I'm like, ohe Gray, who's that?
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Mel Robbins.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
I'm like, really, where you've been?
Speaker 7 (26:50):
I said, I've been best friends with Mel Robbins in
my head for ten years. Can you tell me what
the three two one method is of getting a better
night sleep? Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
No? No, exactly?
Speaker 7 (27:00):
And when was the last time you used the five
four three two one method in actuality?
Speaker 2 (27:04):
I know you read it, but have you done it?
Speaker 7 (27:06):
No?
Speaker 2 (27:06):
I did it this morning? About that?
Speaker 7 (27:08):
I can't if I didn't want to get out of
bed this morning, I simply imagine New Year's even I'm
counting down to five four three two one, And there's
thirty other people in my bedroom right now, and they're
cheering for me to get out of bed. So why
wouldn't I get out of bed with a pep in
my step? This?
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Wait?
Speaker 6 (27:22):
The other day. The other day, we were at a
track meet and there was a guy and he was
acting like a total ass right, and I wanted to
say something. I was ready, I had the words, and
I said, meltaid, let them.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
So I'm like, I'm just gonna let them.
Speaker 6 (27:36):
So then we got in the car and I started
cursing the guy out in the car and he turns
to me and he goes, what did meltay?
Speaker 3 (27:42):
I know, let them?
Speaker 6 (27:43):
So then I let them, and I actually did feel better.
So I take credit for that. And I think I'm
your friend more.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Than that, both your friends.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
I'll let you both think whatever you want.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
So they go on and on and I just let them. Yeah,
I want to go down, Thank you, I want to
go down.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
I just notes Okay, from the Latin theory, maybe as
I see it, stop wasting energy on things you cannot control.
Stop comparing yourself to other people, Break free from fear
and self doubt, release the grip of people's expectations. Loving
that build the best friendships of your life. We talked
about that, create that love you deserve. Pursue what truly
(28:21):
matters to you with confidence, build resilience against everyday stressors distractions,
define your own past to success, joy and fulfillment, and
so much more. That's a taller order, it sure is,
and it's in one book.
Speaker 4 (28:32):
It is because all you need is one tool. The
only person that can keep you from what's meant for
you in life is you. No other human being is
blocking your way.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
We are our own worst enemizing.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Yes, but look, I didn't realize the star I was
fifty four. Like I was, I constantly let other people
stress me out. I was constantly tired and overwhelmed and
jealous and pissed off about stupid things, and then blaming
my stress.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
And my on the world around me.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
It wasn't until I started to say those words let
them that I erected a boundary between the outside world
and how I was allowing it to stress me out
and drain me. And once you stop draining yourself, you
start to get your energy back, and you start to
realize your time matters and your energy is everything. Your
(29:24):
experience of life is determined by what you spend time
on and what you pour energy into full stop.
Speaker 6 (29:31):
Do you still have those days though, where you're like,
I can't do it today, of how do you get
yourself back on track?
Speaker 4 (29:36):
Well, I let myself have that day like so, I
think it's important like that. There are times in life
where the mentally healthy response. This goes to your question
about sadness. There are times in life where it's important
to just be down. But often when things are bad,
you're still carrying the weight of how this is impacting
(29:57):
other people, like when you're down like I with a
lot of people. My husband's has struggled with depression, and
a lot of what he felt other than that dark cloud,
was this sense of added shame that he wasn't able
to show up in those moments for the family, you know,
carrying this burden that somehow he is responsible for showing
(30:20):
up a certain way because.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
We need it.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
I wish we had had let them, because it would
give you the grace to be able to release the
responsibility of everybody else so that you can actually take
care of yourself. And let's look at the word responsibility.
Responsibility is just the ability to respond. And life is
going to be happening out there all the time. The
headlines are going to be what they're going to be.
(30:43):
People in your life are going to struggle, Jobs are
going to come and go, think, the economy is going
to go up and down.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Let it.
Speaker 4 (30:50):
Your response to what's happening is everything. And in fact,
you know, I spoke to doctor Martin Luther King the
third during you know that when we were talking about
this book, and it was incredible to hear him reflect
you know this s mouth is my father's legacy that
the power is in your response to what's happening. You
get to choose peace, You get to choose what you
(31:11):
fight for, You get to choose how you're going to
show up in the face of things that seem dark
and so understanding that you have more power than you
realize is a very incredible thing.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
The power of the word no. Remember we used to
preset all the time.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
It's a sentence.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
Remember, yeah, no is the sentence years ago. And you
gave me a hat no on it, which is my
favorite hat to wear. But that was my first foray
into like, okay, I do have the power to be
in control here say no. Saying no is just the
most wonderful word, and.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Then let them be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Does this where you at, by the way, well these questions,
when you're done with.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
This in these these interviews, does she go to the
car and just go damn, I'm done.
Speaker 5 (31:54):
Sit there in silence.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I'm gonna take off my spanks and just explode.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
And just no.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
You know I because I think what's standing in people's
way most is discouragement, right, the sense that it doesn't
matter what you do, nothing's going to change. And if
there's anything that I hope to offer people, especially at
a very dark moment, I really want to be a
light that activates a sense of hope and encouragement in
(32:23):
you that yes things can get better, and yes there
are things that you can use, and yes it matters,
It matters profoundly.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So this charges you up this conversation absolutely, all right, Yes,
go ahead, gond.
Speaker 5 (32:34):
Okay, So you've obviously been very inspirational to so many
people and they're getting let them tattooed on them. I
see a tattooed on your wrists. I can't read the
entire thing. It says, it shall be what it shall be.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
It shall be.
Speaker 4 (32:45):
It shall be is a reminder in your ability to
figure it out. Like I really do believe that, I
think you can look backwards in your life and even
the horrible things that happened that you didn't deserve, you
can see how every twist and led you to where
you are today. You can see the lessons in it.
You can kind of understand how it shaped you and
(33:06):
led you to this moment it shall be. And this
skill that I believe that everybody can learn is standing
in this moment and actually doing that to the future,
that this moment, too, is but a brick on the
path of your life that is leading you somewhere, and
you can stand in this moment and even when it's
(33:27):
devastating or heartbreaking or overwhelming and scary, that you can
hold your own hand and remind yourself that this is
but a moment and some point in the future there
is such a bigger possibility that is waiting for you,
and your job is not to doubt that. Your job
is to trust that it is coming and that at
(33:48):
some point you'll look back and understand why this happened
and what you learned from it, because it was preparing
you for something bigger that was coming.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
And that's why that tattoos there to remind you, well,
you're my best friend who passed away his line and
his tattoo was just be it that thinks.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
That's my first and only tatto. I'm gonna get, Danielle,
I don't.
Speaker 3 (34:09):
Even know what to say. I love the book. It's great.
It's so inspirational.
Speaker 6 (34:13):
I love the I think a lot of younger people
should read it as well.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
I think that the people towing up in trash can, Yes,
in trash can.
Speaker 6 (34:21):
Because I know our son was just going through something,
you know, something similar to what we all do. Yeah,
And I think that he would take a lot from
this book. So I don't think it's It's definitely geared
to so many different people.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Mel I cannot tell you how grateful him that you
spent time with us today.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Well, thank you for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
The let them theory is out, of course, Why don't
you be one of the kabillions of people who made
it the best selling book.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
There's the thing.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
You don't even need to buy it. We just told
you how to use it.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yeah, nothing from Sheldon.
Speaker 7 (34:46):
I mean, I'm thrilled to be here. I love the
fact that this is a moment that I have pictured
in my mind for many, many years. But you are
exactly who I thought you would be. So thanks for
everything you give to everyone.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Mel Robbins. Of course the let them theory. It's out,
go get it.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Thank you now,
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com