February 15, 2025 • 36 mins
The Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa (YDSA) recognised six key principles to support the positive development of teens and tweens.
Understanding, connection, and relationships are just some of the focal points found to be essential for resilient and thriving young adults.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks B.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Not no time for spending.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
The time has come to be gone on.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
YS Welcome back to the show. By the way, a
fascinating discussion with Helen A. Sullivan there from the from
Velocity regarding property and haggling and stuff. If you've missed
any of our previous hours, you can go and check
them out on the on our website News Talks c B,
or look for the Weekend Collective at iHeartRadio. But now
it is time for the parents Squad and joining me.
(01:03):
He is CEO of the Parenting Place, which sounds very
high for Luton, doesn't it. And his name is Dave Adkison.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Dave Hello, Hello, Yeah, I mean, don't don't my job time.
I might be see over people organization, but don't expect
me to be a perfect parent term because I'm far
from you.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
You don't use that line. It's like, listen, listen, kids,
I am not just your dad. I am CEO of
the Parenting Place. What I say goes no way.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
No I do I do not because they they they know,
they know that I don't get it right all the time.
In fact, iagnowledge it all the time, so no, I don't.
I don't pull that one out. I pull other other
tactics out sometimes if I really want to get my way.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Actually just on that because we've got two things we're
going to talk about. One of them was about resilience
for kids, but we have accidentally touched on the on
the on the authoritative thing, and that balance between being
an authoritative parent is a difficult one. I've I teased
it before when I was in a mischievous way, saying
(02:01):
as explaining losing because it's one of them. It's a
common explaining is losing and get sick of hearing that.
But there is that it does time a little bit
to the authoritative approaches to there's a time when as
a parent you just say, look, just don't do that,
and there's a time you say, listen, there are reasons
that we don't want you to have your first cell phone,
and there's a reason that we don't want you to
do this, and it's because of X y Z. And
(02:22):
I think that sometimes there's a points where when you're
explaining kids just go all they hear is blah blah
blah blah blah, blah blah, when you should just say
don't do that.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Yeah, yeah, I mean my daughter. I found my daughter
the other day lighting matches on the carpet in my bedroom,
so I didn't sit down with her, and while she
was while she was trying to flick matches, kind of
let's talk about the dangers of fire.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
And that's the perfect example. It's like, just while you're
doing that, can I explain to you why we're lighting mattresses?
Speaker 4 (02:50):
Is not a good idea now, yeah, exactly. Or like
running across the road, I've got a runner. She's five,
and she's an absolute runner, and so I do not
negotiate with her holding my hand acrossing the road. I don't. Well,
I can't. I can't explain it to her. But when
she's going for it, I grabyr rest and I hold
on tight because I wanted to stay safe. So I mean,
(03:12):
there is and you know this, with all parenting, there's
a time and a place for everything. And part of
the wisdom of good parenting is knowing what's the most
appropriate approach right now, and then it also it changes
right So when your kids are young, rules are good.
As I get older, you've got to explain it. Otherwise
you're just going to get rebellion.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Yeah, I'm trying to think of Actually I love that
example you gave, not just to the matches, which is
the obvious one, but as a father, I've had that
as well. It's like, hold my hand on across the road. Listen,
hold my hand now while we cross the road. And Okay,
don't do it with them now because maybe they're sort
of twelve or fourteen. Yeah, I will say, would you
like to hold my hand or something as we walk
to an appointment or something. But that is the perfect
(03:53):
example of the time. It's just it's just as a parent,
it's I'm not going to explain why. Look, there's lots
of cars. You're holding my hand if you want to
come out with me, otherwise we're going home.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
And also you've got to think what's developed mentally appropriate,
you know, to a young person's brain doesn't understand and
process risk the way a fully formed brain does. They
literally don't have the prefrontal cortex to think and imagine
a car hitting them in the future. So for them,
you can explain the rules and it might help. But
there was also a lack of an ability to actually
(04:25):
grasp the rule. So rather than explaining it's actually keeping
it quite black and white as helpful. It's just that
as they get older then you need to actually start
nuancing it.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
There must be some issues as there. I mean, imagine
their first car or their first party. Yeah, I think
there would still be examples of why how come I
can't go out beyond one o'clock? You're not going out
beyond one o'clock? And if you're not, then you're not
getting the car again. Ever, yeah, I haven't. They're not
at my age. That's why I offered a really random run,
(04:54):
poorly executed.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
I would say, once your children are at a point
where they can actually start to grasp more nuance, more complicated,
they can actually start thinking through scenario, then I would
say it's really important to start talking about it. And
I try. My son's nine, so he's kind of getting there.
So a big argument almost every day is can he
(05:16):
play on my phone? Can he play on the computer?
Can he watch more TV? So we've got certain rules
around devices. And literally today I said to him, he said,
can I play on your phone? I said, oh no,
so it was yesterday. Can I play on your phone?
I said, no, it's not the weekend. But you know,
can I please why not? Why not? Because we don't
play with it on the weekend. Now, at times I've
(05:37):
actually said to him, you know, phones can be really addictive.
It's actually not good for your brain to be using
phones too much. It triggers dopamine, which is good and
small amounts, but actually over a long period of time,
it can actually really affect your moods. Now, I have
said those things.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But at the end, you still have to fall back
on that.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
Yeah, and I thought ninety percent of it was lost
on him, to be fair, but I was sort of
testing how far I could push the reasons, and I
could tell his eyes glazed over pretty quickly. But if
you've got a fifty year old and you were talking
about the effects of gaming, I would absolutely lean into
a conversation about how the brain works, how addiction works,
talking about balance in life. So yeah, again I would say,
(06:16):
read the situation, read the age of the child. But
as much as you can, I would try and lean
into explaining why the rules are there.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah, actually we had that. I mean, I don't like
to share too much about individually about my kids. It's
always difficult when you have the same thing, it's like
how much do I share? But one of my daughters
had been I thought I had limits. I used the
family safety thing and one of my daughters had been
on it. But for some reason the holidays, maybe i'd
reset them and I'd take the limit off. And I
went into phone and thought, how long have you used
(06:45):
your phone today? And it was six and a half hours?
And I actually I was like, oh my goodness. And actually,
to be fair, a lot of that was watching TV.
It was Disney or something. But actually the way I
approached it was I said, guess how long you've been
on your phone today? And she made a guess and
I said, you're a couple of hours, shy six and
(07:06):
a half And I said, you know what I want
to say, but what do you think about that? And
she did actually say that's too long? I said, and
she said, but then again I was watching It was
a TV series and she was, you know, and it's
a harmless thing. And I said, but yeah, can you
understand why? And then she got and I said, why
you were in that grumpy mood mood earlier because you've
(07:27):
been on it so long? Did you understand that and
I just waited for an answer, and she actually found
her own way there, even though she was still hacked
off with me. But really, what I wanted to do
is I wanted to grab the phone and shove them.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
Ye man, how many parents have just wanted to wanted
to throw it out the windoway when you're driving or whatever.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Actually, seriously, have you ever imagined actually physically destroying the
phone in front of them, like Daddy's going out to
the shed. Now, this is a sledgehammer, here's your phone.
But of course I would never do that because it's
a violent act.
Speaker 4 (07:59):
Plus there's a Lithian battery in it which kept on fire,
thank you, But it is. Yeah, and that's great though.
I love that idea of actually asking them what they think.
And it's interesting. Our kids are more insightful than we
give them credit for.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Oh look, they're both smart kids, you know, So I
lean that way. But sometimes you do have to rock
against your own instincts, don't you.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
Yeah, And you know, we teach this, and we teach
about the idea of you know, their parent coach. So
so don't get little, don't get too lost right now
when I get into some semantics. But I'm not talking
about authoritarian parenting, but there is a phrase called authoritative parenting,
and authoritative parenting is what we teach in our courses,
(08:43):
and it's actually a balance between being responsive to your kids'
needs but also having demands on them, so kindness and caring,
but also firmness and boundaries and so the challenges parents
want to have a simple sort of formula, you know,
should I do this or should I do that? But
what we teach is, in any given scenario, you're weighing
(09:04):
in balancing being responsive to the relationship and being warm
and kind, but also being clear and firm and consistent
in having boundaries. And so some situations require us to
lean more into the relationship and less less authoritarian. Other
situations require us to be much more clear, much more boundaried.
(09:26):
And one of our coaches, Jenny Hale, who you've had
on the show a lot, she's one of our parent coaches.
She wrote a book called Kind, Firm, Calm, And whenever
I'm thinking of her book, she's great. The book is wonderful.
And anytime I'm thinking how do I do this parent
and gig, this is so hard, I come back to Kind, Firm, calm, KFC,
(09:46):
Am I being am I being kind? Am I being calm?
And also am I being firm? I'm holding a boundary here,
but I'm not raising my voices, I'm not getting angry,
I'm being calm. And also is there a degree of
kindness here where fundamentally I'm protecting the relationship because more
than compliance, And I'm saying this out loud and in
(10:07):
my head, I'm wondering if I believe it, but I
do right, More than compliance, we want a great relationship
with our kids. And now, don't get me wrong, sometimes
I just want my son to turn the blue and
TV off or not argue with me. But I know,
big picture, what I design more than anything else is
that we have a great close relationship. And so I
think for me, that's always my north star. Keep the
(10:29):
relationship intact and then balance that with boundaries, firmness, that
kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I think along that Along the lines of that as well,
about the authoritative parenting, it's it's probably the one about
you can be your best mate to your kids in
a way, but you're not just their friend, you're their parent.
And it's that trying to find that mix between being
accessible and a loving parent, and of course, but you're
not one of their peers.
Speaker 4 (10:54):
And so that means is you'll hold a boundary that'll
really upset them up. They'll be crying, they'll be angry
at you, and that's totally fine. Just go with it.
There's a I think he's a psychologist called Gordon Newfould,
and he talks about the fact that parents need to
be angels of futility and what he means by that
is we need to teach our kids that if you
(11:15):
want an ice cream every night of the week, you
can't have one. That's not healthy, it's not good. You
might not get it, but I'm going to be the
angel of futility. I'm going to help you get to
the point where all you can do is cry because
you really really want an ice cream and I'm not
going to let you. And that's part of my job.
So part of the jobs of a parent, yes, is
to build a close relationship, but it's also to help
(11:36):
our kids come up against their boundaries, feel the pain
of that, and actually realize that's okay, that's life. And
so yeah, so I'm definitely not suggesting you should be your.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Condfest friend, but we'd love to have your cause on
this as well as to how you navigate or have
navigated your parenting between explaining why rules are in place
and what are they actual certain issues with regard to
parenting where it's actually, you know what, I'm not really
going to spend too much time explaining this because I'm
just going to lay down the law and how have
(12:06):
you navigated that in terms of when your kids are
getting older? When do you need to explain things a
bit more? Give us a call on that one ten
eighty there's and we'd love to hear them. You can
jump on the blow at any time and we'll look
forward to talking to you. But there was another thing
that I wanted to touch on, probably on the more
substantive side of parenting, regarding just the way of building
(12:30):
resilience in your kids, which sounds like, you know, a
woman not a woman fluffy, but a very large, difficult
topic to get your head around. But what we all want,
especially and you'll probably sum it up better than me,
but we simply want our kids to be able to
deal with the challenges that life throws at them. And
you don't, you know, you want to support them as
(12:51):
a parent when the going gets tough, but then there's
a point when you need to let them develop their
own resilience. And I think as a parent that is
probably one of the toughest things to negotiate way negotiate
your way through, because I've talked parents at school about,
you know, the worries we have for our kids, and
you think you are the only parent who's worried about
(13:12):
how the kids coping, and every parent, every parent, and
it's amazing how common it is. Yeah, so are there
particular principles to start with? But where how do we
even start this conversation?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (13:26):
I mean you've framed it up beautifully, and you know,
life is really tough. It knocks us around. And I
think as we get older, we realize how hard life is.
And then you have children and you become incredibly vulnerable
because you realize that, well hopefully you realize that as
much as you wish you could, you can't protect your
kids from from pain, you can't protect them from sadness,
(13:47):
you can't protect them from the challenges of life. And
so what you Obviously, when they're young, you can do
a lot, right. You can keep there around you a lot,
you can wrap them in Cottonwell.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And that's the no brainer. I think that the tough
time for parenting come is when they get to that.
I don't know, is it the tweens, it's you know,
they go off to a new school and you want
to support them through that. But then there's a point
where they sort of and you don't want it to
be sink or swam either.
Speaker 4 (14:10):
No, and you know, you find there might be a
situation of bullying where you know, someone's just being really mean,
and that's so hard as a parent to watch that
happen to your kid, or you know, maybe they're struggling
with their reading or writing or parts of school and
you just wish for them that they would be achieving
on every front, and yet they're getting reports that say
that they're struggling or even you know, even worse things
that have happened to them, whether they've been a victim
(14:32):
of you know, you know, a whole bunch of sinister
stuff online. And so yes, we need to do everything
we can. And one of our key messages at parenting
places be really proactive as much as you can in
your kid's life, particularly on there with their online world. However,
you need to build up these what they call protective
factors in your child's life. And if you can kind
(14:53):
of build these protective factors up like a web, then
each one might not be the kind of a major
deal breaker, but each one on top of the other
over time can build a safety net. So when your
kid does experience a challenge or a setback, then you
know they're going to bounce back. And resilience someone once
said a lecture actually I was studying under, said it's
(15:14):
like a ball that you squeeze and it goes back
to its original shape. You know, life hits us, challenges
hit us, We get squeezed. And resilience is that ability
to bounce back, go back to a good life. Put
it in perspective, You get back up, get back on
the horse, keep going.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Are there some of those things that you can do
as a parent which actually do never change? And I'm
thinking of somehow Well, for instance, I when I put
my when my kids go to bed, I'll often just
go and you know a lot and chat with them
about their day and give them a hug and a
kiess good night sort of thing. And I like to
think I continue can to continue that for a long time,
(15:53):
and that because sometimes you don't feel like it, you're tired,
and and I go no, no, I must do it,
must do it, And it always end up having a conversation.
So to me, that's something that you can consistently do
as a parent.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
That's super intuitive and I love that you've done that.
For me, it's it's reading to my son every night.
You know, he's not very talkative at this at this age,
but we like being around each other, so he plays
with lego, I'll read a book to him. We'll do
that for half an hour. And that's something we've done
since he was you know, basically one, And that's a
tradition that I really want to hold as long as
(16:25):
I can. So what you're touching on is one of
the points I want to make and is five and
I guess i'd encourage.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
So how would you describe point one that we've touched on.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Well, that the first point is around quality relationships, So
you know, you know, as an organization that focuses on
the relationship between parents and child as an incredibly important
protective factor, we talk about it as being what we
call it attachment, which is a process of connecting with
an adult and then finding security within that relational connection.
(16:56):
That's one of the five key protective factors for young
people is having a strong relationship. And interestingly, that's.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Not an easy one. There's a first one, but that
is one where I think there are a lot of
parents who would always struggle with that with because availability,
with busy lives, being away at work, kids are a
bed by the time you get home, you can't talk
because of course our work never leaves us. You've got
that bloody phone with you and the competer you know.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
I mean, it's not it's not. It is hard. It's hard.
It's easier to give a gift, it's easy to write
a note, it's harder to build that strong relationship. So yeah,
I don't want to minimize the challenge.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Oh no, I'm not. I wasn't. Wasn't saying you aware
of no, no, thinking that that one sounds like, of
course it's number one, must be easy. But of course, yeah,
none of them.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Well, you know, one of the things one of the
interesting insights during lockdown that we realize is that the
research actually shows that you don't have to be perfect
all the time, You just have to be good enough
most of the time, and that that actually means you're
going to get it wrong a lot, and I get
it wrong a lot. And what I know is when
I get it wrong, I can repair that relationship. Actually,
(17:59):
in the process of getting it wrong and then repairing,
you're actually strengthening the relationship stronger than if you had
got it wrong in the first place.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Example would be if I've lost my rag and I've
been a bit unreasonable, Yeah that I sit on the
couch maybe for a moment, and then I think, ah,
better go and say I'm sorry as well.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Yes, absolutely, And it's interesting because it's actually surprising how
hard that is. Oh so much pride that we had, gosh.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Because one of them can really win me up.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
And anyway, I would probably apologize to my son once
a week, and I probably should apologize to him more
than that, because I get frustrated, I lose my patience.
I try to stay calm, but sometimes I don't. I
get annoyed and I actually just walk out it Like
I will just walk out of his room because I'm
done and I need some space now again, I actually
think that's fine, but I will come back and say, hey,
(18:47):
you know, sorry, I was lacking patients just then and
if I do get upset and we might get into
a bit of an argument, I might say, hey, I'm
sorry that I was a bit upset with you and
said what I said, And often I'll explain why, Look,
I'm under a bit of pressure. I know that's an excuse,
but that's why I reacted that way. So coming back
to the point, so if you're breaking this relationship, you
(19:09):
can mend it. And what you're teaching your child is that, Hey,
in life, when there is broken relationships, it's reasonable to
expect that they can be mended. And they learn that
not by reading it in a book, although that might help,
they learn it by experiencing it. And that's the magic
of They call it rupture and repair in a relationship.
So my point there is you don't have to be perfect.
(19:31):
You just have to be good enough. And I would
encourage parents that you know, you might have a busy job,
you might not be as home as much as you want,
you might not be as patient as much as you want,
but small bits of connection, even five minutes, can make
a huge difference. They just remind your kids you're there,
you care about them. One of the things that I
do when I drop my kids off to school. Is
(19:52):
I draw and this is when they're a little nervous,
I draw a smiley face on their hand, and I
draw a smiley face on my hand. And it's called bridging.
But it's just a little reminder throughout the day, Hey,
dad's here. Dad cares about you. And now I'm at work.
But there's a little connection there, so you don't have
to be present sitting down playing with them, you know,
for hours a day to still build a really strong connection.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Hey, look, we're going to continue this after that, after
the break in just a moment. It's twenty seven past five,
and the discussion is about building resilience in your kids.
And actually, if you're worried about your child, your tween
or your teenager, and you're the a few things that
you're worried about, how they're coping with a few things,
give us a call and maybe you know, problem shared
(20:34):
is a problem I have twenty seven past five news talks.
He'd be.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
You really got me going, you're gotting aside, I don't
know what I'm going. Yeah, you really got me though,
you're gotten side GUSI had.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Name, Yeah, you're really you you're really coming Welcome back
(21:13):
to the Parent Squad. I'm Tim Beverage. My guest is
David Dikinson. He's CEO of the Parenting Place. But he's
an authoritative CEO, not authoritarian. I think we could say
that Dave anyways.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Right, Yeah, I'd like to believe that's the case.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Even the word authoritative still sounds it's not it's not
great marketing.
Speaker 4 (21:29):
Whoever came up with we need.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
To come up with another word for authoritative.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
We call it a parent coach, apparent coach. He's a coach.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Hey, we're talking about building resilience, and you've got five
sort of principles to support kids. And I think it's
the teens and the tweens we're talking about, because obviously
for parents of younger kids you can probably intervene and
support them a lot more, even though social anxiety can
be a thing when they're little kids as well. But
(21:57):
what are the other sort of principles?
Speaker 4 (21:58):
All right? So the first one we mentioned was about
supporting them to build strong relationships, and that starts with
their parents. Center of the Developing Child at Harvard they
say that every child who winds up doing well had
at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult,
So that's kind of key. Now, that could also be
an auntie uncle. Obviously, peers become incredibly important in teenagers' lives.
(22:23):
It could also be teachers or sports coaches. So you know,
don't underestimate the importance of having really strong relationships for
your team in whatever way. The more you can build
that into their lives, the stronger that protective factor will
be for them if they go through adversity. So that's
the first one, and the examples of that are who Again,
(22:44):
so obviously you are the most important, but it could
also be an auntie or uncle. It could be a coach,
it could be a youth group leader, it could be
and obviously peers are really important to teenagers too, So
those relationships can function if they're really positive and function
as a really important protective factor for kids. Now, of course,
(23:06):
if those relationships are not positive, they can be a
risk factor, and that often happens with teenage relationships like
friendships sometimes on that is it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
I remember one of my teachers who we all thought
was amazing was a couple. One was a coach as well.
You don't need a lot of those relationships do you, No,
you don't you need to have one? Or is it
even a case of one or two quality relationships?
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Honestly, just even one can actually be a wonderful protective factor.
But yeah, the more you can layer it up, the better.
And this this conversation is about layering protective factors. You
can't save or protect your kids from everything, nor can
you predict their resilience in any occasion, but you can
put things in place to help help build it.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Because I imagine even with kids who are not naturally
social and like to have a lot of relationships, if
they've got one that's special in addition to you. For instance,
I wasn't necessarily that kid, but my volleyball coach who
was massively respected I looked at the time, and I
got kept in touch with him after I left school
(24:07):
and things like that, and actually I realized that he
was quite a major touchstone for me in terms of
just having self respect.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Or yeah, something someone who sees something in you and
calls it out of you. I love that I had
a tough football coach or soccer coach, but I would
say he was a pretty big person in my life.
I had a teacher in particular who I connected with
when I left high school when I was in my
mid twenties, I sort of reached out and said, hey,
can I take you up for lunch? And I thank
him and I said, you don't realize how important you
(24:35):
were in giving me enthusiasm to come to school every day.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Is it like someone who reinforces your there are another
reference of your own helps boost your own self respect
because of the way they see you. You know what
I mean, It's a the mirror of hey, you're pretty amazing.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
Well, this brings me to my second point, second protective factor,
a way to build resilience, and that is to focus
on your young person's strengths. And I think that's what's
important about that is we all have shadow sides, so
so we have you know, what might make you wonderful
is that you're extroverted and you love people and you're fun.
(25:12):
But the flip side of that might be you'd never
shut up your loud mouth, you're hyperactive, whatever the negative
side of that is. And so as parents, one thing
we can do is we can call out the gold
in our kids. And that's what I was referring to
to the teacher that I had. I think he saw
something in me when I was a little bit mischievous
and a little bit silly, and we're one.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Teacher might playful and funny.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And he saw that I was fun
and I was enthusiastic and he called that out of me.
And if you remember back to your childhood, when people
like you, it feels good. You wanna sort of live
up to that expectation. But when people don't like you,
it doesn't feel good, and you almost live up or
live down to that expectation.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
What would the opposite of that be for a kid
who's the opposite of being a pain out there is
the one who's quiet and introverted.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
Yeah, yeah, And so you might frame that as you know,
I love that you're reflective. I love that you're considered.
I love that you might not have a lot of friends,
but you're really close with those that you do have.
So think about you'll firstly think about your own child
and how have you framed them? What language do you use?
And I don't want to make parents feel bad. I
mean I'll have a wine and a winge about my kids,
(26:25):
you know, behind their back. But to my wife when
we go for a walk. But generally, I think it's
important to catch yourself out and actually frame your kids
things that frustrate you, frame them around what's positive. And
then in particular, when you're with them, name name the gold,
call it out of them, and tell them how much
you love them. Now, for young kids, that might look
(26:47):
like and I know this is a bit cheesy, but
it might look like a note in the lunch box. Now,
if you've got teenagers, you can still write a note
in the lunch box. But when you see something that
your teenager has done, and I'm not saying, you know,
academic achievement, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about
the quality of their character when you see that, call
it out. Hey, I just noticed the way that you
(27:07):
talked to that the person serving at McDonald's. I just
I love the way that you were so warm and
you made you gave them dignity, and I love that
about you.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
What's accentuating the positive really exactly?
Speaker 4 (27:19):
And we have something called the red plate that pairing Place.
We've had it for like twenty years and it's a
tool for this, So you can buy it on our
website Pairing Place to enz and it's just literally a
red ceramic plate with a star on it. And the
idea is maybe once a week you could choose to
give it to a child and it could be your teenager,
(27:39):
and serve them dinner on it and then tell them
what it was that you noticed about them and celebrate
it as a family. And I have friends that have
been using this plate since they were kids. They're now,
you know, in their thirties, and they still love it,
like they still when they go to mom and dad's house,
they still hope they get the red plate because it's
(28:00):
a tradition, but it's more importantly as tradition that affirms
and encourages the fly to speak positive words over the kids.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Great stuff. Actually, we're going to go to another break.
It's amazing how time flies, but we're going to be
back with some of the more of these principles. We're
talking about the five some five principles to support basically
resilience in your teens and twins as they go through
those phases where you know, maybe they do feel a
little bit vulnerable and not able to cope with things.
We can take your cause anytime if you want to
(28:27):
join us and ask question. My guest is Dave Atkinson.
He's from the Parenting Place Parenting Place, n z no Co.
But to be honest, you google the Parenting Place, they're
all over it. Twenty two minutes to Sex News Talks.
He'd be yes, welcome back. I'm Tim Beverge. My guest
is Dave Atkinson. We're talking about principles around building resilient
teens and twins. And so far we've got a couple
(28:49):
of points out. We've got three more. David was quality relationships,
the others focusing on their strengths. You talked about naming
the gold I think we can move on to number three.
Speaker 4 (28:57):
We all right. Number three is recognizing that young people
are living in a context and the big picture. So
I'll call it the big picture. And these, by the way,
are taken from actually quite an old document called the
Youth Development Strategy. It's now been replaced with other strategies,
but it was developed by i think Ministry of Social
(29:18):
Development years ago, and so this was something I learned about,
you know, a long time ago, and it's helped me
sort of think throughout. It's just a nice framework. So
they talk about the big picture. So firstly, we live
in a time and in these big picture factors influence
our resilience. You know, the economy influences are resilience. What's
going on locally, internationally, even you know, international human rights
(29:43):
and all these different things shape young people. But a
lot of those things are out of our control as parents.
So what is in our control is helping our kids
think about their big picture, their fuckapapa, their story, their history,
their genealogy, connect them to a bigger story because sometimes
when we are struggling, we get tunnel.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Vision, historical context and things. So for instance, kids who
are worried about the environment and then global warming, and
then you'd say, well, every generation has faced something they're
worried about. We're still here. Like my generation was the
nuclear generation. We're worried about the bomb, probably are now again.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends how big picture you
want to get. You probably wouldn't go into sort of new.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
But thanks for reading me in there.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Do you realize how close we are the nuclear you know,
I mean what I.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Meant was I was going to say. When I was
growing up, we were terrified about what the world was
coming to with nuclear power, But you know, the world
finds its way through and we have another the challenge
the story.
Speaker 4 (30:42):
Yes, that's the one exactly there. But so help your
kids connect to their bigger story. So it might be
their fuck Papa, it might be their story, their genealogy,
it might be for some people it's their spirituality, their
set of values and belief something that connects them to
something bigger. So that is a really important protective factor.
(31:04):
And it might be an opportunity for you as a
parent to tell your story or even go back further
and tell a bigger story and then connect them to
something bigger as well, something that you value and talk
to your children about your values and your beliefs and
anchor them in that, and that can be really protective
for them.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Okay, gosh, time is flying. Let's move on to the
number four.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
Okay, number four is about being connected to their wider context.
So they talk about these four parts two young persons
in social environment. It's their family, it's their peers, it's
their school or workplace, and then it's the wider community.
So in a Marti context, this is the Afano is
their immediate family, then their Hapu is their subtribe, and
(31:48):
then the Ewe is a larger tribe. But The point
is that we are all connected in a geographical community.
So that might be local clubs, the local park, your neighbors,
but we're also connected into our school or our workplaces
and then our family and then up here.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
That makes sense with the school my kids go to
and look at. You know, normally wouldn't talk about it,
but everyone knows they get a baroding because I've let
that slip a few times. But the baroding has lots
of things that they do within the school to emphasize
the values of the school, who they belong to, the values,
and they have the house parades and all sorts of things.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
To get is that all part of these schools doing
that role, yep, exactly. So connect them really positively to
their school. If they're in a workplace match where they're
in a really positive work environment with a great boss
who cares about them and mentors them, go to local
movies in the park and participate in community gardens and
walk around and meet your neighbors and help them understand
(32:42):
that they live within a geographical community and all those
people hopefully are there to support them and that they
belong within that broader community. That's going to be a
really good protective factor and we're finally up to our
fifth one, and it's about encouraging kids to take in
especially teenagers, to take an active role in participating in
(33:04):
their future, so developing self determination. So when kids are young,
you make decisions for them, but as kids get older,
let your kids start making their own choices and that
will be a really strong way to build that result.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Again that touches I'm thinking it's funny you look at
what the schools do and the decisions that are made
within schools, and a few pennies have dropped even just
with that. For so my daughter, one of my daughters,
is at the age where she chooses optional subjects, so
their core subjects, but you get to choose. The school
doesn't let parents make that choice the kids because obviously
(33:42):
they've worked out you know, these are still fairly core subjects.
But it's interesting that they remove the ability for parents
to interfere. Only only the student can select that subject.
And that is part of self determination, isn't it actually?
Speaker 4 (33:56):
And it feels good when you make a decision and
maybe it's hard, but you work through it or it
works out well. You feel really good about yourself and
it tells you deep down, actually I'm capable. I can
actually control aspects of my future and my destiny. And
obviously kids need to learn that there are things they
can't control too. But but it gives a sense of
(34:16):
you know, I can take control of my life and
I can make good things happen. So it might be,
you know, next time you're going to choose a holiday location,
ask your kids, hey, where do you guys want a holiday?
Or when your negotiation or maybe they can choose the campsite.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Number one, go back to Paris dad, okay, or.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Maybe it's it's it's hey, we're going to go out
for a family meal. Which restaurant do you want to
go to? When they negotiate, when you're negotiating your family
technology contract, you could say to them, hey, what amount
of time do you think is reasonable for TV or whatever?
Speaker 1 (34:52):
This?
Speaker 2 (34:52):
Actually that's the holiday thing I actually do love because
even if you are planning a big holiday where you
are the boss of it, there's within that it's like, okay,
we're going to have this day here, what do you
think we should do X y or zah?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Yeah totally or what you plan it?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Plan it and and we'll do what you go for
or okay, you're learning to cook. What are we going
to have for dinner tonight? And would you like to
cook it?
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Yeah? Absolutely, now you're onto it.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
So I've been actually I've been furiously writing notes here.
But actually if people want to obviously people can listen
back to the to this on our podcast, the we
can Collective, just go to iHeartRadio. But of course the
parenting place. If people are going, I want to, I
want I'm a reader, they want to read this stuff,
they want to see it, where do they go.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
We've got hundreds of articles on our website. The other
thing I'd encourage your listeners to do is have a
look at Toolbox the Teenage Years. Toolbox is a six
week course that we run. It can be done on
zoom and you get a big manual and we have
one specifically for raising teenagers and it covers these topics
and a whole bunch of other things.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
So look for that.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
It's called Toolbox the Teenage Yeers.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Brilliant. Hey, great to see you, Dave. It's such such
good information there, and again if you want to, if
you want to check it out, go listen to our podcast.
We can Collective news Talks, or go to parentingplace dot
n z ye not the parenting place, but as I say,
just google.
Speaker 4 (36:12):
It, find us on Instagram, Facebook, We're all you know
on those.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
All those and if you can google the names you've here,
Jenny Hale parenting Place, it'll save it and some parenting place,
so it'll all leave you on this. All roads lead
to Rome.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (36:24):
Hey, thanks them, great to see you.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Hey, we'll be back to rap sport in just a moment.
Ellis Smith's with us. This is news Talk, said B.
It's eleven to six.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk Said B weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks B.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Not no time for spending.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
The time has come to be gone on.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
YS Welcome back to the show. By the way, a
fascinating discussion with Helen A. Sullivan there from the from
Velocity regarding property and haggling and stuff. If you've missed
any of our previous hours, you can go and check
them out on the on our website News Talks c B,
or look for the Weekend Collective at iHeartRadio. But now
it is time for the parents Squad and joining me.
(01:03):
He is CEO of the Parenting Place, which sounds very
high for Luton, doesn't it. And his name is Dave Adkison.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Dave Hello, Hello, Yeah, I mean, don't don't my job time.
I might be see over people organization, but don't expect
me to be a perfect parent term because I'm far
from you.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
You don't use that line. It's like, listen, listen, kids,
I am not just your dad. I am CEO of
the Parenting Place. What I say goes no way.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
No I do I do not because they they they know,
they know that I don't get it right all the time.
In fact, iagnowledge it all the time, so no, I don't.
I don't pull that one out. I pull other other
tactics out sometimes if I really want to get my way.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Actually just on that because we've got two things we're
going to talk about. One of them was about resilience
for kids, but we have accidentally touched on the on
the on the authoritative thing, and that balance between being
an authoritative parent is a difficult one. I've I teased
it before when I was in a mischievous way, saying
(02:01):
as explaining losing because it's one of them. It's a
common explaining is losing and get sick of hearing that.
But there is that it does time a little bit
to the authoritative approaches to there's a time when as
a parent you just say, look, just don't do that,
and there's a time you say, listen, there are reasons
that we don't want you to have your first cell phone,
and there's a reason that we don't want you to
do this, and it's because of X y Z. And
(02:22):
I think that sometimes there's a points where when you're
explaining kids just go all they hear is blah blah
blah blah blah, blah blah, when you should just say
don't do that.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Yeah, yeah, I mean my daughter. I found my daughter
the other day lighting matches on the carpet in my bedroom,
so I didn't sit down with her, and while she
was while she was trying to flick matches, kind of
let's talk about the dangers of fire.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
And that's the perfect example. It's like, just while you're
doing that, can I explain to you why we're lighting mattresses?
Speaker 4 (02:50):
Is not a good idea now, yeah, exactly. Or like
running across the road, I've got a runner. She's five,
and she's an absolute runner, and so I do not
negotiate with her holding my hand acrossing the road. I don't. Well,
I can't. I can't explain it to her. But when
she's going for it, I grabyr rest and I hold
on tight because I wanted to stay safe. So I mean,
(03:12):
there is and you know this, with all parenting, there's
a time and a place for everything. And part of
the wisdom of good parenting is knowing what's the most
appropriate approach right now, and then it also it changes
right So when your kids are young, rules are good.
As I get older, you've got to explain it. Otherwise
you're just going to get rebellion.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Yeah, I'm trying to think of Actually I love that
example you gave, not just to the matches, which is
the obvious one, but as a father, I've had that
as well. It's like, hold my hand on across the road. Listen,
hold my hand now while we cross the road. And Okay,
don't do it with them now because maybe they're sort
of twelve or fourteen. Yeah, I will say, would you
like to hold my hand or something as we walk
to an appointment or something. But that is the perfect
(03:53):
example of the time. It's just it's just as a parent,
it's I'm not going to explain why. Look, there's lots
of cars. You're holding my hand if you want to
come out with me, otherwise we're going home.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (04:02):
And also you've got to think what's developed mentally appropriate,
you know, to a young person's brain doesn't understand and
process risk the way a fully formed brain does. They
literally don't have the prefrontal cortex to think and imagine
a car hitting them in the future. So for them,
you can explain the rules and it might help. But
there was also a lack of an ability to actually
(04:25):
grasp the rule. So rather than explaining it's actually keeping
it quite black and white as helpful. It's just that
as they get older then you need to actually start
nuancing it.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
There must be some issues as there. I mean, imagine
their first car or their first party. Yeah, I think
there would still be examples of why how come I
can't go out beyond one o'clock? You're not going out
beyond one o'clock? And if you're not, then you're not
getting the car again. Ever, yeah, I haven't. They're not
at my age. That's why I offered a really random run,
(04:54):
poorly executed.
Speaker 4 (04:55):
I would say, once your children are at a point
where they can actually start to grasp more nuance, more complicated,
they can actually start thinking through scenario, then I would
say it's really important to start talking about it. And
I try. My son's nine, so he's kind of getting there.
So a big argument almost every day is can he
(05:16):
play on my phone? Can he play on the computer?
Can he watch more TV? So we've got certain rules
around devices. And literally today I said to him, he said,
can I play on your phone? I said, oh no,
so it was yesterday. Can I play on your phone?
I said, no, it's not the weekend. But you know,
can I please why not? Why not? Because we don't
play with it on the weekend. Now, at times I've
(05:37):
actually said to him, you know, phones can be really addictive.
It's actually not good for your brain to be using
phones too much. It triggers dopamine, which is good and
small amounts, but actually over a long period of time,
it can actually really affect your moods. Now, I have
said those things.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
But at the end, you still have to fall back
on that.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
Yeah, and I thought ninety percent of it was lost
on him, to be fair, but I was sort of
testing how far I could push the reasons, and I
could tell his eyes glazed over pretty quickly. But if
you've got a fifty year old and you were talking
about the effects of gaming, I would absolutely lean into
a conversation about how the brain works, how addiction works,
talking about balance in life. So yeah, again I would say,
(06:16):
read the situation, read the age of the child. But
as much as you can, I would try and lean
into explaining why the rules are there.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah, actually we had that. I mean, I don't like
to share too much about individually about my kids. It's
always difficult when you have the same thing, it's like
how much do I share? But one of my daughters
had been I thought I had limits. I used the
family safety thing and one of my daughters had been
on it. But for some reason the holidays, maybe i'd
reset them and I'd take the limit off. And I
went into phone and thought, how long have you used
(06:45):
your phone today? And it was six and a half hours?
And I actually I was like, oh my goodness. And actually,
to be fair, a lot of that was watching TV.
It was Disney or something. But actually the way I
approached it was I said, guess how long you've been
on your phone today? And she made a guess and
I said, you're a couple of hours, shy six and
(07:06):
a half And I said, you know what I want
to say, but what do you think about that? And
she did actually say that's too long? I said, and
she said, but then again I was watching It was
a TV series and she was, you know, and it's
a harmless thing. And I said, but yeah, can you
understand why? And then she got and I said, why
you were in that grumpy mood mood earlier because you've
(07:27):
been on it so long? Did you understand that and
I just waited for an answer, and she actually found
her own way there, even though she was still hacked
off with me. But really, what I wanted to do
is I wanted to grab the phone and shove them.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
Ye man, how many parents have just wanted to wanted
to throw it out the windoway when you're driving or whatever.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Actually, seriously, have you ever imagined actually physically destroying the
phone in front of them, like Daddy's going out to
the shed. Now, this is a sledgehammer, here's your phone.
But of course I would never do that because it's
a violent act.
Speaker 4 (07:59):
Plus there's a Lithian battery in it which kept on fire,
thank you, But it is. Yeah, and that's great though.
I love that idea of actually asking them what they think.
And it's interesting. Our kids are more insightful than we
give them credit for.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Oh look, they're both smart kids, you know, So I
lean that way. But sometimes you do have to rock
against your own instincts, don't you.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
Yeah, And you know, we teach this, and we teach
about the idea of you know, their parent coach. So
so don't get little, don't get too lost right now
when I get into some semantics. But I'm not talking
about authoritarian parenting, but there is a phrase called authoritative parenting,
and authoritative parenting is what we teach in our courses,
(08:43):
and it's actually a balance between being responsive to your kids'
needs but also having demands on them, so kindness and caring,
but also firmness and boundaries and so the challenges parents
want to have a simple sort of formula, you know,
should I do this or should I do that? But
what we teach is, in any given scenario, you're weighing
(09:04):
in balancing being responsive to the relationship and being warm
and kind, but also being clear and firm and consistent
in having boundaries. And so some situations require us to
lean more into the relationship and less less authoritarian. Other
situations require us to be much more clear, much more boundaried.
(09:26):
And one of our coaches, Jenny Hale, who you've had
on the show a lot, she's one of our parent coaches.
She wrote a book called Kind, Firm, Calm, And whenever
I'm thinking of her book, she's great. The book is wonderful.
And anytime I'm thinking how do I do this parent
and gig, this is so hard, I come back to Kind, Firm, calm, KFC,
(09:46):
Am I being am I being kind? Am I being calm?
And also am I being firm? I'm holding a boundary here,
but I'm not raising my voices, I'm not getting angry,
I'm being calm. And also is there a degree of
kindness here where fundamentally I'm protecting the relationship because more
than compliance, And I'm saying this out loud and in
(10:07):
my head, I'm wondering if I believe it, but I
do right, More than compliance, we want a great relationship
with our kids. And now, don't get me wrong, sometimes
I just want my son to turn the blue and
TV off or not argue with me. But I know,
big picture, what I design more than anything else is
that we have a great close relationship. And so I
think for me, that's always my north star. Keep the
(10:29):
relationship intact and then balance that with boundaries, firmness, that
kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I think along that Along the lines of that as well,
about the authoritative parenting, it's it's probably the one about
you can be your best mate to your kids in
a way, but you're not just their friend, you're their parent.
And it's that trying to find that mix between being
accessible and a loving parent, and of course, but you're
not one of their peers.
Speaker 4 (10:54):
And so that means is you'll hold a boundary that'll
really upset them up. They'll be crying, they'll be angry
at you, and that's totally fine. Just go with it.
There's a I think he's a psychologist called Gordon Newfould,
and he talks about the fact that parents need to
be angels of futility and what he means by that
is we need to teach our kids that if you
(11:15):
want an ice cream every night of the week, you
can't have one. That's not healthy, it's not good. You
might not get it, but I'm going to be the
angel of futility. I'm going to help you get to
the point where all you can do is cry because
you really really want an ice cream and I'm not
going to let you. And that's part of my job.
So part of the jobs of a parent, yes, is
to build a close relationship, but it's also to help
(11:36):
our kids come up against their boundaries, feel the pain
of that, and actually realize that's okay, that's life. And
so yeah, so I'm definitely not suggesting you should be your.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Condfest friend, but we'd love to have your cause on
this as well as to how you navigate or have
navigated your parenting between explaining why rules are in place
and what are they actual certain issues with regard to
parenting where it's actually, you know what, I'm not really
going to spend too much time explaining this because I'm
just going to lay down the law and how have
(12:06):
you navigated that in terms of when your kids are
getting older? When do you need to explain things a
bit more? Give us a call on that one ten
eighty there's and we'd love to hear them. You can
jump on the blow at any time and we'll look
forward to talking to you. But there was another thing
that I wanted to touch on, probably on the more
substantive side of parenting, regarding just the way of building
(12:30):
resilience in your kids, which sounds like, you know, a
woman not a woman fluffy, but a very large, difficult
topic to get your head around. But what we all want,
especially and you'll probably sum it up better than me,
but we simply want our kids to be able to
deal with the challenges that life throws at them. And
you don't, you know, you want to support them as
(12:51):
a parent when the going gets tough, but then there's
a point when you need to let them develop their
own resilience. And I think as a parent that is
probably one of the toughest things to negotiate way negotiate
your way through, because I've talked parents at school about,
you know, the worries we have for our kids, and
you think you are the only parent who's worried about
(13:12):
how the kids coping, and every parent, every parent, and
it's amazing how common it is. Yeah, so are there
particular principles to start with? But where how do we
even start this conversation?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (13:26):
I mean you've framed it up beautifully, and you know,
life is really tough. It knocks us around. And I
think as we get older, we realize how hard life is.
And then you have children and you become incredibly vulnerable
because you realize that, well hopefully you realize that as
much as you wish you could, you can't protect your
kids from from pain, you can't protect them from sadness,
(13:47):
you can't protect them from the challenges of life. And
so what you Obviously, when they're young, you can do
a lot, right. You can keep there around you a lot,
you can wrap them in Cottonwell.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And that's the no brainer. I think that the tough
time for parenting come is when they get to that.
I don't know, is it the tweens, it's you know,
they go off to a new school and you want
to support them through that. But then there's a point
where they sort of and you don't want it to
be sink or swam either.
Speaker 4 (14:10):
No, and you know, you find there might be a
situation of bullying where you know, someone's just being really mean,
and that's so hard as a parent to watch that
happen to your kid, or you know, maybe they're struggling
with their reading or writing or parts of school and
you just wish for them that they would be achieving
on every front, and yet they're getting reports that say
that they're struggling or even you know, even worse things
that have happened to them, whether they've been a victim
(14:32):
of you know, you know, a whole bunch of sinister
stuff online. And so yes, we need to do everything
we can. And one of our key messages at parenting
places be really proactive as much as you can in
your kid's life, particularly on there with their online world. However,
you need to build up these what they call protective
factors in your child's life. And if you can kind
(14:53):
of build these protective factors up like a web, then
each one might not be the kind of a major
deal breaker, but each one on top of the other
over time can build a safety net. So when your
kid does experience a challenge or a setback, then you
know they're going to bounce back. And resilience someone once
said a lecture actually I was studying under, said it's
(15:14):
like a ball that you squeeze and it goes back
to its original shape. You know, life hits us, challenges
hit us, We get squeezed. And resilience is that ability
to bounce back, go back to a good life. Put
it in perspective, You get back up, get back on
the horse, keep going.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Are there some of those things that you can do
as a parent which actually do never change? And I'm
thinking of somehow Well, for instance, I when I put
my when my kids go to bed, I'll often just
go and you know a lot and chat with them
about their day and give them a hug and a
kiess good night sort of thing. And I like to
think I continue can to continue that for a long time,
(15:53):
and that because sometimes you don't feel like it, you're tired,
and and I go no, no, I must do it,
must do it, And it always end up having a conversation.
So to me, that's something that you can consistently do
as a parent.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
That's super intuitive and I love that you've done that.
For me, it's it's reading to my son every night.
You know, he's not very talkative at this at this age,
but we like being around each other, so he plays
with lego, I'll read a book to him. We'll do
that for half an hour. And that's something we've done
since he was you know, basically one, And that's a
tradition that I really want to hold as long as
(16:25):
I can. So what you're touching on is one of
the points I want to make and is five and
I guess i'd encourage.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
So how would you describe point one that we've touched on.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Well, that the first point is around quality relationships, So
you know, you know, as an organization that focuses on
the relationship between parents and child as an incredibly important
protective factor, we talk about it as being what we
call it attachment, which is a process of connecting with
an adult and then finding security within that relational connection.
(16:56):
That's one of the five key protective factors for young
people is having a strong relationship. And interestingly, that's.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Not an easy one. There's a first one, but that
is one where I think there are a lot of
parents who would always struggle with that with because availability,
with busy lives, being away at work, kids are a
bed by the time you get home, you can't talk
because of course our work never leaves us. You've got
that bloody phone with you and the competer you know.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
I mean, it's not it's not. It is hard. It's hard.
It's easier to give a gift, it's easy to write
a note, it's harder to build that strong relationship. So yeah,
I don't want to minimize the challenge.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Oh no, I'm not. I wasn't. Wasn't saying you aware
of no, no, thinking that that one sounds like, of
course it's number one, must be easy. But of course, yeah,
none of them.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Well, you know, one of the things one of the
interesting insights during lockdown that we realize is that the
research actually shows that you don't have to be perfect
all the time, You just have to be good enough
most of the time, and that that actually means you're
going to get it wrong a lot, and I get
it wrong a lot. And what I know is when
I get it wrong, I can repair that relationship. Actually,
(17:59):
in the process of getting it wrong and then repairing,
you're actually strengthening the relationship stronger than if you had
got it wrong in the first place.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Example would be if I've lost my rag and I've
been a bit unreasonable, Yeah that I sit on the
couch maybe for a moment, and then I think, ah,
better go and say I'm sorry as well.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Yes, absolutely, And it's interesting because it's actually surprising how
hard that is. Oh so much pride that we had, gosh.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Because one of them can really win me up.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
And anyway, I would probably apologize to my son once
a week, and I probably should apologize to him more
than that, because I get frustrated, I lose my patience.
I try to stay calm, but sometimes I don't. I
get annoyed and I actually just walk out it Like
I will just walk out of his room because I'm
done and I need some space now again, I actually
think that's fine, but I will come back and say, hey,
(18:47):
you know, sorry, I was lacking patients just then and
if I do get upset and we might get into
a bit of an argument, I might say, hey, I'm
sorry that I was a bit upset with you and
said what I said, And often I'll explain why, Look,
I'm under a bit of pressure. I know that's an excuse,
but that's why I reacted that way. So coming back
to the point, so if you're breaking this relationship, you
(19:09):
can mend it. And what you're teaching your child is that, Hey,
in life, when there is broken relationships, it's reasonable to
expect that they can be mended. And they learn that
not by reading it in a book, although that might help,
they learn it by experiencing it. And that's the magic
of They call it rupture and repair in a relationship.
So my point there is you don't have to be perfect.
(19:31):
You just have to be good enough. And I would
encourage parents that you know, you might have a busy job,
you might not be as home as much as you want,
you might not be as patient as much as you want,
but small bits of connection, even five minutes, can make
a huge difference. They just remind your kids you're there,
you care about them. One of the things that I
do when I drop my kids off to school. Is
(19:52):
I draw and this is when they're a little nervous,
I draw a smiley face on their hand, and I
draw a smiley face on my hand. And it's called bridging.
But it's just a little reminder throughout the day, Hey,
dad's here. Dad cares about you. And now I'm at work.
But there's a little connection there, so you don't have
to be present sitting down playing with them, you know,
for hours a day to still build a really strong connection.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Hey, look, we're going to continue this after that, after
the break in just a moment. It's twenty seven past five,
and the discussion is about building resilience in your kids.
And actually, if you're worried about your child, your tween
or your teenager, and you're the a few things that
you're worried about, how they're coping with a few things,
give us a call and maybe you know, problem shared
(20:34):
is a problem I have twenty seven past five news talks.
He'd be.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
You really got me going, you're gotting aside, I don't
know what I'm going. Yeah, you really got me though,
you're gotten side GUSI had.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Name, Yeah, you're really you you're really coming Welcome back
(21:13):
to the Parent Squad. I'm Tim Beverage. My guest is
David Dikinson. He's CEO of the Parenting Place. But he's
an authoritative CEO, not authoritarian. I think we could say
that Dave anyways.
Speaker 4 (21:24):
Right, Yeah, I'd like to believe that's the case.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Even the word authoritative still sounds it's not it's not
great marketing.
Speaker 4 (21:29):
Whoever came up with we need.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
To come up with another word for authoritative.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
We call it a parent coach, apparent coach. He's a coach.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Hey, we're talking about building resilience, and you've got five
sort of principles to support kids. And I think it's
the teens and the tweens we're talking about, because obviously
for parents of younger kids you can probably intervene and
support them a lot more, even though social anxiety can
be a thing when they're little kids as well. But
(21:57):
what are the other sort of principles?
Speaker 4 (21:58):
All right? So the first one we mentioned was about
supporting them to build strong relationships, and that starts with
their parents. Center of the Developing Child at Harvard they
say that every child who winds up doing well had
at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult,
So that's kind of key. Now, that could also be
an auntie uncle. Obviously, peers become incredibly important in teenagers' lives.
(22:23):
It could also be teachers or sports coaches. So you know,
don't underestimate the importance of having really strong relationships for
your team in whatever way. The more you can build
that into their lives, the stronger that protective factor will
be for them if they go through adversity. So that's
the first one, and the examples of that are who Again,
(22:44):
so obviously you are the most important, but it could
also be an auntie or uncle. It could be a coach,
it could be a youth group leader, it could be
and obviously peers are really important to teenagers too, So
those relationships can function if they're really positive and function
as a really important protective factor for kids. Now, of course,
(23:06):
if those relationships are not positive, they can be a
risk factor, and that often happens with teenage relationships like
friendships sometimes on that is it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
I remember one of my teachers who we all thought
was amazing was a couple. One was a coach as well.
You don't need a lot of those relationships do you, No,
you don't you need to have one? Or is it
even a case of one or two quality relationships?
Speaker 4 (23:29):
Honestly, just even one can actually be a wonderful protective factor.
But yeah, the more you can layer it up, the better.
And this this conversation is about layering protective factors. You
can't save or protect your kids from everything, nor can
you predict their resilience in any occasion, but you can
put things in place to help help build it.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
Because I imagine even with kids who are not naturally
social and like to have a lot of relationships, if
they've got one that's special in addition to you. For instance,
I wasn't necessarily that kid, but my volleyball coach who
was massively respected I looked at the time, and I
got kept in touch with him after I left school
(24:07):
and things like that, and actually I realized that he
was quite a major touchstone for me in terms of
just having self respect.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Or yeah, something someone who sees something in you and
calls it out of you. I love that I had
a tough football coach or soccer coach, but I would
say he was a pretty big person in my life.
I had a teacher in particular who I connected with
when I left high school when I was in my
mid twenties, I sort of reached out and said, hey,
can I take you up for lunch? And I thank
him and I said, you don't realize how important you
(24:35):
were in giving me enthusiasm to come to school every day.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Is it like someone who reinforces your there are another
reference of your own helps boost your own self respect
because of the way they see you. You know what
I mean, It's a the mirror of hey, you're pretty amazing.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
Well, this brings me to my second point, second protective factor,
a way to build resilience, and that is to focus
on your young person's strengths. And I think that's what's
important about that is we all have shadow sides, so
so we have you know, what might make you wonderful
is that you're extroverted and you love people and you're fun.
(25:12):
But the flip side of that might be you'd never
shut up your loud mouth, you're hyperactive, whatever the negative
side of that is. And so as parents, one thing
we can do is we can call out the gold
in our kids. And that's what I was referring to
to the teacher that I had. I think he saw
something in me when I was a little bit mischievous
and a little bit silly, and we're one.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Teacher might playful and funny.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And he saw that I was fun
and I was enthusiastic and he called that out of me.
And if you remember back to your childhood, when people
like you, it feels good. You wanna sort of live
up to that expectation. But when people don't like you,
it doesn't feel good, and you almost live up or
live down to that expectation.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
What would the opposite of that be for a kid
who's the opposite of being a pain out there is
the one who's quiet and introverted.
Speaker 4 (26:02):
Yeah, yeah, And so you might frame that as you know,
I love that you're reflective. I love that you're considered.
I love that you might not have a lot of friends,
but you're really close with those that you do have.
So think about you'll firstly think about your own child
and how have you framed them? What language do you use?
And I don't want to make parents feel bad. I
mean I'll have a wine and a winge about my kids,
(26:25):
you know, behind their back. But to my wife when
we go for a walk. But generally, I think it's
important to catch yourself out and actually frame your kids
things that frustrate you, frame them around what's positive. And
then in particular, when you're with them, name name the gold,
call it out of them, and tell them how much
you love them. Now, for young kids, that might look
(26:47):
like and I know this is a bit cheesy, but
it might look like a note in the lunch box. Now,
if you've got teenagers, you can still write a note
in the lunch box. But when you see something that
your teenager has done, and I'm not saying, you know,
academic achievement, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about
the quality of their character when you see that, call
it out. Hey, I just noticed the way that you
(27:07):
talked to that the person serving at McDonald's. I just
I love the way that you were so warm and
you made you gave them dignity, and I love that
about you.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
What's accentuating the positive really exactly?
Speaker 4 (27:19):
And we have something called the red plate that pairing Place.
We've had it for like twenty years and it's a
tool for this, So you can buy it on our
website Pairing Place to enz and it's just literally a
red ceramic plate with a star on it. And the
idea is maybe once a week you could choose to
give it to a child and it could be your teenager,
(27:39):
and serve them dinner on it and then tell them
what it was that you noticed about them and celebrate
it as a family. And I have friends that have
been using this plate since they were kids. They're now,
you know, in their thirties, and they still love it,
like they still when they go to mom and dad's house,
they still hope they get the red plate because it's
(28:00):
a tradition, but it's more importantly as tradition that affirms
and encourages the fly to speak positive words over the kids.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Great stuff. Actually, we're going to go to another break.
It's amazing how time flies, but we're going to be
back with some of the more of these principles. We're
talking about the five some five principles to support basically
resilience in your teens and twins as they go through
those phases where you know, maybe they do feel a
little bit vulnerable and not able to cope with things.
We can take your cause anytime if you want to
(28:27):
join us and ask question. My guest is Dave Atkinson.
He's from the Parenting Place Parenting Place, n z no Co.
But to be honest, you google the Parenting Place, they're
all over it. Twenty two minutes to Sex News Talks.
He'd be yes, welcome back. I'm Tim Beverge. My guest
is Dave Atkinson. We're talking about principles around building resilient
teens and twins. And so far we've got a couple
(28:49):
of points out. We've got three more. David was quality relationships,
the others focusing on their strengths. You talked about naming
the gold I think we can move on to number three.
Speaker 4 (28:57):
We all right. Number three is recognizing that young people
are living in a context and the big picture. So
I'll call it the big picture. And these, by the way,
are taken from actually quite an old document called the
Youth Development Strategy. It's now been replaced with other strategies,
but it was developed by i think Ministry of Social
(29:18):
Development years ago, and so this was something I learned about,
you know, a long time ago, and it's helped me
sort of think throughout. It's just a nice framework. So
they talk about the big picture. So firstly, we live
in a time and in these big picture factors influence
our resilience. You know, the economy influences are resilience. What's
going on locally, internationally, even you know, international human rights
(29:43):
and all these different things shape young people. But a
lot of those things are out of our control as parents.
So what is in our control is helping our kids
think about their big picture, their fuckapapa, their story, their history,
their genealogy, connect them to a bigger story because sometimes
when we are struggling, we get tunnel.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Vision, historical context and things. So for instance, kids who
are worried about the environment and then global warming, and
then you'd say, well, every generation has faced something they're
worried about. We're still here. Like my generation was the
nuclear generation. We're worried about the bomb, probably are now again.
Speaker 4 (30:19):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends how big picture you
want to get. You probably wouldn't go into sort of new.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
But thanks for reading me in there.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Do you realize how close we are the nuclear you know,
I mean what I.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Meant was I was going to say. When I was
growing up, we were terrified about what the world was
coming to with nuclear power, But you know, the world
finds its way through and we have another the challenge
the story.
Speaker 4 (30:42):
Yes, that's the one exactly there. But so help your
kids connect to their bigger story. So it might be
their fuck Papa, it might be their story, their genealogy,
it might be for some people it's their spirituality, their
set of values and belief something that connects them to
something bigger. So that is a really important protective factor.
(31:04):
And it might be an opportunity for you as a
parent to tell your story or even go back further
and tell a bigger story and then connect them to
something bigger as well, something that you value and talk
to your children about your values and your beliefs and
anchor them in that, and that can be really protective
for them.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Okay, gosh, time is flying. Let's move on to the
number four.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
Okay, number four is about being connected to their wider context.
So they talk about these four parts two young persons
in social environment. It's their family, it's their peers, it's
their school or workplace, and then it's the wider community.
So in a Marti context, this is the Afano is
their immediate family, then their Hapu is their subtribe, and
(31:48):
then the Ewe is a larger tribe. But The point
is that we are all connected in a geographical community.
So that might be local clubs, the local park, your neighbors,
but we're also connected into our school or our workplaces
and then our family and then up here.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
That makes sense with the school my kids go to
and look at. You know, normally wouldn't talk about it,
but everyone knows they get a baroding because I've let
that slip a few times. But the baroding has lots
of things that they do within the school to emphasize
the values of the school, who they belong to, the values,
and they have the house parades and all sorts of things.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
To get is that all part of these schools doing
that role, yep, exactly. So connect them really positively to
their school. If they're in a workplace match where they're
in a really positive work environment with a great boss
who cares about them and mentors them, go to local
movies in the park and participate in community gardens and
walk around and meet your neighbors and help them understand
(32:42):
that they live within a geographical community and all those
people hopefully are there to support them and that they
belong within that broader community. That's going to be a
really good protective factor and we're finally up to our
fifth one, and it's about encouraging kids to take in
especially teenagers, to take an active role in participating in
(33:04):
their future, so developing self determination. So when kids are young,
you make decisions for them, but as kids get older,
let your kids start making their own choices and that
will be a really strong way to build that result.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Again that touches I'm thinking it's funny you look at
what the schools do and the decisions that are made
within schools, and a few pennies have dropped even just
with that. For so my daughter, one of my daughters,
is at the age where she chooses optional subjects, so
their core subjects, but you get to choose. The school
doesn't let parents make that choice the kids because obviously
(33:42):
they've worked out you know, these are still fairly core subjects.
But it's interesting that they remove the ability for parents
to interfere. Only only the student can select that subject.
And that is part of self determination, isn't it actually?
Speaker 4 (33:56):
And it feels good when you make a decision and
maybe it's hard, but you work through it or it
works out well. You feel really good about yourself and
it tells you deep down, actually I'm capable. I can
actually control aspects of my future and my destiny. And
obviously kids need to learn that there are things they
can't control too. But but it gives a sense of
(34:16):
you know, I can take control of my life and
I can make good things happen. So it might be,
you know, next time you're going to choose a holiday location,
ask your kids, hey, where do you guys want a holiday?
Or when your negotiation or maybe they can choose the campsite.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Number one, go back to Paris dad, okay, or.
Speaker 4 (34:38):
Maybe it's it's it's hey, we're going to go out
for a family meal. Which restaurant do you want to
go to? When they negotiate, when you're negotiating your family
technology contract, you could say to them, hey, what amount
of time do you think is reasonable for TV or whatever?
Speaker 1 (34:52):
This?
Speaker 2 (34:52):
Actually that's the holiday thing I actually do love because
even if you are planning a big holiday where you
are the boss of it, there's within that it's like, okay,
we're going to have this day here, what do you
think we should do X y or zah?
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Yeah totally or what you plan it?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Plan it and and we'll do what you go for
or okay, you're learning to cook. What are we going
to have for dinner tonight? And would you like to
cook it?
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Yeah? Absolutely, now you're onto it.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
So I've been actually I've been furiously writing notes here.
But actually if people want to obviously people can listen
back to the to this on our podcast, the we
can Collective, just go to iHeartRadio. But of course the
parenting place. If people are going, I want to, I
want I'm a reader, they want to read this stuff,
they want to see it, where do they go.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
We've got hundreds of articles on our website. The other
thing I'd encourage your listeners to do is have a
look at Toolbox the Teenage Years. Toolbox is a six
week course that we run. It can be done on
zoom and you get a big manual and we have
one specifically for raising teenagers and it covers these topics
and a whole bunch of other things.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
So look for that.
Speaker 4 (35:53):
It's called Toolbox the Teenage Yeers.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Brilliant. Hey, great to see you, Dave. It's such such
good information there, and again if you want to, if
you want to check it out, go listen to our podcast.
We can Collective news Talks, or go to parentingplace dot
n z ye not the parenting place, but as I say,
just google.
Speaker 4 (36:12):
It, find us on Instagram, Facebook, We're all you know
on those.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
All those and if you can google the names you've here,
Jenny Hale parenting Place, it'll save it and some parenting place,
so it'll all leave you on this. All roads lead
to Rome.
Speaker 3 (36:24):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (36:24):
Hey, thanks them, great to see you.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Hey, we'll be back to rap sport in just a moment.
Ellis Smith's with us. This is news Talk, said B.
It's eleven to six.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk Said B weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio
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