May 24, 2025 • 37 mins
How much is social media affecting children's mental health?
When does a child need counselling services, and how do you approach a discussion about getting over a relationship?
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News TALKSB and.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Hang On a Second.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
I've got a little bit of feedback just going on
there right and welcome back to the show. Sorry a
little bit of music missing there, but welcome to the
parents squad. By the way, if you've missed, I'm Tim Beverage.
If you've missed any of the previous hours, we had
a lively discussion with Ed McKnight around the relaxing the
Golden visa rules or the foreign Buyer band and you
can go and check that out. Listen to check out
our podcast at the news Talk ZBI website or on iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
But also the Hang On a Second. Also the.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Panel which we had with Brad Olsen and Wilhelmina Shrimpton,
which was basically we covered a whole lot of stuff there,
but if it was we had a lot of fun
with them chatting about the budget and some other issues.
If you want to catch that particular panel, then go
to we get Podcasts, as I say, iHeartRadio or news
Talk said be dot co dot nz. And I'm just
(01:06):
checking with my producer because we may be having some
technical issues. But I think before I introduce my guests.
We're getting the thumbs up there, yes, and we're all
good to go. So so that was the sound of
me fudging for a little bit of time there because
we just added a couple of technical issues we're sorting out.
But we have a new guest on the Parents Squad
(01:27):
and I'm going to introduce them in just a moment.
But the topic we're going to delve into is, well,
you know, every parent has a time when they worry
about their child's mental and well being and their mental health.
But when do you get them help and if you do,
how involved should you be in that process? Because there
are times when your child may actually want to go
and speak with a counselor say, for instance, at school,
(01:48):
and from my understanding is that actually you're not necessarily
going to know that that's happened, and there can be
good reasons for that, because sometimes the problems that children
want to talk about might be something that stem from home,
and it's reasonable maybe that the children can expect some confidentiality.
But as a parent, what should your involvement be, if any,
in that process. I know people who have had there
(02:11):
who have been concerned about their child's happiness with regards
to things around just friendship issues and things. And it
was explained to them that when the child goes to
counseling that the contents of that counseling session will not
be passed on to the parents. And actually, in that case,
I don't think the parents actually had a major problem.
They were just keen to get their child some help.
But there can be more serious issues. So we're going
(02:32):
to delve into that, into the whole question around counseling,
counselors supporting children. We'd love your cause on eight hundred
and eighty ten eighty and I get the question for
that is should you be allowed to know that your
child is seeing or seeking counseling or is where would
you draw the line? And to discuss that and other issues,
(02:52):
we have knew guests. She is a counselor and psychologist
at Bernado's and her name is Darshi Ponampalam and Darshi good,
good afternoon.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
How are you.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Good? Tim Thank you? Just want to correct there, I'm
not actually a psychologist that thank you, yeah, And I'm
doing get how you Jane excellent?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
So how long have you been? Tell us what about
the week you do at Bernardo's.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
So Bernardos is, as you know, a children's charity. Bernardos
does a lot of different types of mahe in that space,
I look after our kids, help lying oh eight hundred
What's Up? And we provide confidential anonymous counseling for five
to nineteen year olds, and I'm currently the team leader there.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
How important is it that it's confidential counseling.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
That's that's a really really good question. I think something
that we like, something that we value at What's Up,
I guess is that children can come as they are,
you know, they can show up with all of their
(04:09):
all of their stuff. You know. We even we're even
okay with prank calls. We're one of the few helplines
that don't block children. We quite genuinely mean come as
you are, you know, and we build trust over time
to get to know them, and when they're ready, they
can share the big stuff with us. And I think
(04:30):
there are a lot of spaces in their lives where
they can't do that. And it doesn't always mean that
those spaces are horrible. Often they've got beautiful, loving parents
and families, but sometimes some things are just hard to
talk to the closest people with.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Yeah, I imagine it's difficult to sum up because there'd
be such a diverse range of issues and problems kids
want to talk about.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Actually, I should put.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
It out there that, to be honest, I don't have
a problem with kids having confidentiality. I think there would
be issues that, say, obviously, we can understand that if
there are problems at home, and there can be some
really serious issues where children need to seek some help.
But I can understand I guess in the school context
that if it turns out that your child has gone
(05:19):
to see a counselor and the parents don't know about
it and never know, and it is quite a serious issue,
but it's not connected with the parents or anything, that
is a difficult one, isn't it. Because I still, to
be honest, I guess because I trust my kids that
if there's something they really need to talk about, that
if I'm just quiet and create the space that they
(05:42):
will talk to me, is that I mean? Yeah, I
mean it is a I know, the ethical issues is
probably quite clear cut for you because the child is
the one you're looking after, But where do their families
come into it?
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Yeah? Yeah, such a good question, and I do empathize
with that. So I don't actually have children on my own,
but I have seven nisses and nephews of God children,
and it breaks my heart to think that they can't
talk to their parents or can't talk to me or
a teacher or someone if they are really struggling with something.
(06:20):
And at the same time, I guess that's if, for
whatever reason that situation arises, you want them to have
as many options as they can. And so I don't
necessarily think it's a should they shouldn't they. I think
it's more like, you know that the issue is a
(06:44):
little bit more nuanced than that. Are there specific situations
where that should be an option? Sometimes it needs to be.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Are there serious issues where you actually do have to
tell the parents. I mean, I guess when it comes
to kids talking about self harm and things like that,
that would feel to me that's something you do need
to that you can't just keep between the two, you know,
the counselor and the child, is it no?
Speaker 4 (07:13):
So if there if a child is unsafe, or you know,
we have reason to believe they're unsafe, we do seek
external support, and you know, to the best viability we
try and get the child on board with that, it's
not always appearance. And also because it is an anonymous
help lin, it's it's very rare that it's the parent's
(07:37):
number that they give. We do actually have some regular
clients who have given us permission to call their parents,
so you know, we create safety plans with them, and
you know, for some of them, their parents are on there,
but for most of them it would be a different
external agency.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
So what is it is?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
What are the I'm out in the range of problems
that kids come to you worth? What draws them to
giving you? Are there any sort of Are they common
factors that you often see at play when children are
seeking some counseling advice or what have you observed so far?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Yeah, so our top kind of five to ten tend
to stay pretty much the same. They might switch order
a little bit, but common ones are family relationships, peer relationships,
bullying so side self harm are also quite common. And
I just also want to put out that some of
(08:36):
these are common because we have regular repeat clients as well.
So a lot of you know, a lot of our
young people, especially the ones struggling with some deep kind
of self image, self identity, belonging, issues or you know,
the ones that are struggling with suicidal ideation. It does
tend to continue, It doesn't kind of their issues don't
(08:59):
go away with one chat or phone call.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
So when it's obviously if for you, as the aim
of the What's Up service, the eight hundred What's Up?
How do you actually get word of that? I mean,
do you target children as there something that you want
parents to know about? I don't mean target children, you
know what I mean. It's a terrible, terrible expression. My apologies,
(09:23):
but do you aim to get the word to children?
How do you reach out about a service like this?
Speaker 4 (09:32):
So we are actually you know a lot of counselors,
social workers and schools have our posters, We go to
community events, we meet you know, school nurses, features children
principles in those spaces. And we're also really lucky to
(09:54):
be part of Bernardo's, who are you know, one of
the biggest children's charities, and we have social workers at Bernardo's,
we have social workers at school, so we get a
little a lot of reference is from them as well.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Yeah, yeah, how long has it been going for?
Speaker 4 (10:10):
For close to twenty five years?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Now what what? I wait?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Hundred WhatsApp number has been going what's up? Sorry, not
what's happen side of the times, isn't it?
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Oh yeah, yeah, you're certainly not alone. Man.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
I wait, so how long eight hundred what's up? Been
going for?
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yeah? No, nearly twenty five years. So there used to
be kids Line. I can't quite recall when kitslan started,
but kids Line's now merged with us. Yeah, so currently
the only ones that go as young as five.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
By the way, I should mention that if any of
we have talked about a few things and involving children
and the worry about self harm and things like that,
and my I always feel obliged to give out there
is also the well we talk about the eight hundred
what's up? There is always I always say this is
a great number to remember as the one seven three seven.
If you call and text, if anyone feels that as
a result of the conversation that there's something you really
(11:07):
need to talk about, you need help, then that is
the other government initiative a one seven three seven. I'm
not doing that to sort of fudge the message here,
but I just mentioned it. Whenever there's discussion arounds self harm.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
But how what is the.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Balance absolutely, you know, that's really important.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
What is the balance when it comes to obviously we
have that government initiative which is actually, you know what,
it's funny as far as effective initiatives. To me, I
haven't had had use of it, but the fact that
there's such that it's it's we put it out there
fairly regularly when we're discussing difficult issues. But it's such
(11:41):
an important thing for people just to know where to
turn and that time where you you know, you're not
feeling great, you don't feel like gurgling anything, you're feeling
miserable to have you know, And the same thing with
eight hundred what's up?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
You know, how.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Important is it for people to have just that easy
and how would they make a decision about which counseling
service to turn to?
Speaker 4 (12:02):
That That is the other thing. I think one good
thing is that at all of these out plans are
counselors right. So if we do get an adult who's
called the wrong number, we refer them to the right service.
If they are highly distressed or if they're unsafe for
(12:23):
any reason, we will still do a safety assessment for them.
We won't just kind of let them go or refer
them on. And we have also had referrals from adult
helplines from once even three seven Lifeline youth line. You know,
So we work together in that way. And actually a
lot of our kids have safety plans which include these
(12:44):
other numbers because we're not a twenty four hour service.
There's anxiety in New Zealand. Like, yeah, We've got a
lots of different options with slightly different specialties, and they're
all important.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
What drew you to being a counselor? Sorry, I know
you might not have been expecting that question, but I'm
always curious.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
Yeah, yeah, so I actually started off I was just
kind of curious about about the mind. So I did
psychology ten to fifteen years ago, and then I did
counseling psychology, and then worked a little bit in social
work education, worked kind of at What's Up on and
off throughout that whole period. And then when I returned
(13:30):
to What's up the last time I returned to What's Up,
something kind of just clicked and I, you know, went
back to studying counseling.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Does it?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Also?
Speaker 3 (13:41):
You have moments w because if you're been involved with
it for a while, I mean everyone has moments in
their work when they suddenly realized, goodness, we're making a
difference here. Was there something obviously confidentiality respected. But have
you had moments where you suddenly went, oh, my goodness,
I really see why I'm doing this and the value
it has. Did you have a sort of penny drop
moment or something.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Or yeah, that's a really great question, to be honest.
I think when I was young, I I was the
youngest of a large family. I'm the youngest of five,
and we come from a collectivist culture, so there were
(14:20):
there are lots of people around all the time, and
I was one of the youngest, so it was just,
I guess acutely aware of the experience of being small
in a world that was kind of created for big people,
if you like. And I vividly remember thinking to myself like,
or you know, just times when I had I felt
(14:41):
unheard and for no reason, you know, not because my
parents didn't listen to me, or you know, no one
was doing anything on purpose, but just times when you
felt small. Yeah. Yeah, I just remember thinking I would
love to give children a different experience when I'm older,
(15:05):
and I can't actually remember how I stumbled onto What's Up.
But when I heard about it, literally everything we stand
for and then stood for, then just felt like, these
are the people who are doing that, you know, and
I want to be a part of that. So even
just discovering What's Up, I felt like was a penny
(15:27):
drop moment. And then you know, getting trained in persons
enter therapy, you know, which values empathy, congruence, allowing the
child to be here there, are prioritizing their version of
the story, believing them, just all all of that. It
just that's that's the work we do so often, you know,
(15:48):
every call some days feels like a penny drop moment.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
There's what is the average age? What's the sort of
range of ages of children who seek help? From eight
hundred what's up?
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So I would say that average it's, you know, between
twelve and sixteen, But we are seeing an increase of
children calling her between five and twelve, so that's it's
close to twenty percent at the moment. Yeah, yeah, so
it kind of it kind of fluctuates, and it is
(16:22):
also related to promotions. I would say, you know, if
for example, if we do a car ad, yeah, that
actually tends to increase the number of younger kids because
parents are listening on that. You know, they're taking them
to school, and the younger kids are dependent on the
parents to call with them obviously.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
Okay, look, we're going to take a quick break and
we'll be back in just a moment, and we're going
to dig into having a look at you know, when
parents maybe should seek another voice to help their kids
with something.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
When should you encourage your child maybe to go.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
And see a counselor so we're going to and if
you'd like to share your thoughts with us as well,
but also if your parent who's who is wants their
child be maybe seek some third party advice. Gosh, that
sounds so sterile, doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
But you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
To see a counselor do you expect that you should
be involved further in that conversation or is that the
point where you step back and think, well, you know,
these are people who know what they're doing. I've got
to let them deal with it and trust my child
to feel my child can talk about anything they want
confidentiality or do you want to be part of that process?
We have a discussion about how we navigate those waters
as well. In just a moment, this is the Parents
(17:33):
Squad on News Talks. You'd be The number is eight
hundred eighty ten eighty. You don't forget in text on
nine two nine two. And I know that sometimes with
ours like this we often get texts rather than people
wanting to call all the time. But you're welcome to
give us a call if you've got any questions or
opinions on this. Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty will
be back in just to mow. It's twenty four past six.
Speaker 5 (17:57):
Ninety enough crazy? Are you going to eat me at?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Welcome back?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
This is News Talks. That'd be the Parents Squad. My
guess guest is Darshi Pano. She is a counselor at
Bernardo's and we're actually talking in connection with their eight
hundred what's up number and just a counseling support for
children and how how we approach that as parents as well.
Eight nighty ten eight A. You're welcome to give it.
We'd love to hear from you as well. When are
(18:45):
the how would a parent know when what's the difference
between for instance, you know, just childhood, teenage, angst versus
What would be the signs that would make a parent
decide or should make a parent think about getting their
child from counseling.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
I have a few thoughts about this. To my first
one's quite boring, but it's basically that if your child
wants to and I don't want to kind of oversimplify that,
but I guess I'm thinking about some of the tamodiginande
that call or come on chat who's who say they
(19:30):
want a face to face counselor which we can't provide,
but they, you know, they say things like my mom
and dad think, you know, that's only for crazy people,
or it's too hard or too expensive, you know, but
there is some free access through the GP and things
(19:51):
like that, and and they're in a lot of pain,
you know, and we we wouldn't do that with physical health. Gosh.
I mean, I hope not, but I do, like it
does surprise me that with all of these conversations, all
of the kind of progress we've made and social justice
and the information out there on mental health and things
(20:14):
like that, it's not still not quite normalized. And I
guess I see counseling as mainly preventative, right, So we
don't kind of say, I suppose, you know, maybe we
wanted this too. But you know, when do we take
a young person to the doctors, we just kind of no, right.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Like, you're going to the doctor. Look, that's a nasty
little sore you've got there. We're off to the doctor
and that's it. Actually, that is right. You know what
It is funny because for physical health parents, it's like, well,
I'm the boss and you're going to the doctor whether
you like it or not.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I mean, mental health can be really serious. I mean,
would you do?
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Because I've known parents and through there in the parents squad,
you talk to people where the parents like I wanted
my child to go and talk to someone, but they
just said, Mum or dad, I'm not going you know.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
H yeah, true, true, yes, Actually, now that you mentioned it,
I've spoken to parents who have been in similar situations
where they feel like, you know, the child has no motivation,
They feel like they might be suffering from quite serious depression,
but they can't actually get them to a psychologist.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Social isolation, you know, they don't comfortably fit in whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
So what do you what do you? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
Yeah? So, I mean those are situations where I would say,
you know, that's kind of the other end of that
spectrum where it's getting to a point where day to
day life is debilitating. I would say that's a pretty
big sign that they need some external support. We often
end up being a kind of bridge for that support.
(21:53):
For example, I'm say with social anxiety, they're too scared
to see a face to face counselor, and so, you know,
we we build trust and once have kind of shared
something within that adult that they can't see, they tend
to trust our referrals and or they get a bit
(22:16):
of practice with talking to someone and then they feel
like they can go out and do that in the
real world. But it is, it is genuinely, really hard,
and I empathize with those parents because it's not like
there's no checklist as such, you know. But I do
think a big piece of it is one listening to
(22:39):
our children, noticing noticing any changes, you know, noticing changes
in mood, habits.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
You know, because an easy track for favorite parents to
fall into, I think is because every teenager can have
dramatic moments, and sometimes every parent would be like, oh goodness, sake,
just you know, don't be ridiculous. But there's a point
I remind myself because I I've got a teenage daughter
and a twelve year old and going on sixteen, and
(23:12):
you know that there's dramas and I try and tell
myself just to shut up sometimes.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
If they're gonna be up to a point. But I mean, yeah, how.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Do you think parents are going with it? I mean
that that is a mistake to make, isn't it? Because
but it's an understandable one, because sometimes your kids drive
your nuts. But there's a point where actually you should
listen because they're trying to unload something.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Yeah, I just wanted to terrify that. Well, how does
how does it go for you? Like when you feel like, oh,
maybe I should have shut up.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Oh look, I mean I try to share too much
about my own kids on it, But I mean as
a dad, I can speak generically and every parent about
issues that Oh look, I try and create at my
best and I know my worst. I can be grumpy,
but and when I'm doing maybe a better job, I
(24:07):
try and just be quiet for a while and create
some space where they fill it talking about what they
want to do. And I have had moments where a
feveryone's a bit tired to say, listen, why don't you
take yourself off to your room for a couple of minutes,
and I'll come in and talk to you a bit.
I try and just think I've got to create a
vacuum for them to fill with whatever's bothering them.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
That's such a cool analogy.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Yeah, I wouldn't say I always succeed, by the way,
I'm not going to just make them sound like sound
like father there, but anyway, carry ons right.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Well, I mean, honestly, I think being father there is
more about trying. And I think often often they can
sense that, they can sense when they're loved and cared for,
and they struggle, and so do a lot of adults.
(25:02):
To regulate their emotions. Their brains is to developing, which
I think a lot of adults can forget, especially when they,
you know, when they're speaking and talking and arguing just
like another adult woods, you know. And so I think
sometimes they don't always show that they feel loved when
(25:23):
you're creating a vacuum for them. And sometimes it's just
building those little moments of allowing them to feel heard
and validated and giving them space, giving them unconditional presence
and attention and regard, you know, and making I think
(25:44):
making their feelings okay, even if the behavior might not
always be okay, But giving them permission to feel what
they're feeling. I think those things are really important and
they add up over time, even if we don't always
feel like it's going well in the moment.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Okay, let's take some calls and eight Chris, Hello, Hi,
how are you good? Okay? What would you like to
share with us?
Speaker 4 (26:11):
Great?
Speaker 6 (26:12):
I know, I'd just like to say that, you know,
I've had five kids. They were born in the late sixties,
early seventies. They've all grown up to be good people,
never been in trouble with the law at all, but
they used to know what was right and what was
wrong and mistedly in those growing years. They never had
(26:33):
mobile phones, and I think mobile phones today are the
downfall of a lot of kids.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
And yes, social media all that.
Speaker 6 (26:45):
Yeah, yes, exactly, Yeah, and I just sort of think,
you know, it's really really sad. And you know, my
own kids have banned their kids from having phones until
they were older.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
What's older.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
Oh, they'll be about fifteen. And you know, they've all
got good jobs now, and I'm very proud. You know,
I just sort of think, you know, the internet today
is just it. It makes me said when kids have
huge mental problems.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Actually, I'm not surprised you brought this up, Crest, because
it's a lot of the conversations we have on the show.
It's almost like all roads to lead to Rome, isn't it.
But as a common issue. Yes, Darshi, What's how much
do you think social media Internet contributes to the negative
(27:48):
outcomes for kids' mental health wise?
Speaker 6 (27:51):
I think okay, very high.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Yeah, okay, I'll bring Darshia on this. Thanks, Chris Darshi.
What I mean, It's a comment we hear time and
time again, isn't it.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
Yeah? Yeah, thanks Chres. It is. It is definitely concerning,
and I think it's quite scary for a lot of
adults because it's just an experience we can't relate to.
It's quite interesting, though, because I also see kids just
navigating that world completely differently. You know, it's not for
(28:23):
some of them, it's it's not as scary, and because
they're kind of native to that world, if you like,
in the same way that we were native to different
problems when we were growing up in the generation before
us had different problems. They do also build skills to
handle those problems, So I think than handling it. Oh
(28:44):
my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. My nephew could use my phone
better than me when he was two. I mean he'd
steal it bit.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
From where's my phone? He always with you about theft
later on. But show me how to unlock this thing now?
Speaker 4 (29:05):
Yeah, yeah, like you figured out how to play music
on it and stuff. But yeah, so it is. It's
just it's hard for us to conceptualize. I think it's
just a completely different world and we the best we
can do is try and understand it. And they are
also very you know, it's helped them be creative. It's
helped some of them, you know, express themselves in ways
(29:26):
that they don't feel like they can express themselves in person.
You know. There's somebody and who have different types of
mental there's issues like autism, more adh, you know, and
there's different apps that help them. So I think technology
can definitely be a really good tool. We need to
help our kids use those tools.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
I think the thing, the thing that I think that
the problem was, the social media thing is where people
get addicted to and I think there are plenty of
adults addicted to this. Seeing how many likes their posters
got oh yeah, and and because I said, actually, I
see my kids interact and we don't let them have
social media accounts. That they have WhatsApp, which is basically
(30:11):
glorified texting and calling, but they can put status posts.
But basically they just have little groups where they they
talk to each other more. And so far, sort of,
so good, but I don't want to be I'm worried
that there's a danger of being roast. So I do
rose tinted glasses that this generation can handle it better,
but they're also not aware of those addictive parts of
(30:34):
how the internet can affect us. How many people have
viewed my TikTok video, how many people have viewed my
Instagram video? I mean, what you what are your observations
and thoughts on that?
Speaker 4 (30:47):
Yeah, I mean I'd be lying if I said we
haven't seen that at what'sapp. I Actually one of my
regular clients had issues with that. I mean, she already
kind of had some issues with self image, and then
obviously that was made worse because she was seeing these
(31:08):
people post things and she felt like she couldn't experience
those things, or she didn't have many friends, or she
can grow those places and so it does kind of
create a culture of comparison and possibly you know, even
I guess it just lets them kind of ruminate on
(31:30):
what they have and don't have, and you know, can
trigger some jealousy. I do. I'm just not sure if
a simple solution is like a hard yes or a
hard no. I just often with a lot of complicated issues,
there aren't simple solutions, and I think we have to
(31:51):
be careful not to miss the nuance. And we need
to make sure that we're involving young people in those
decisions and compromising where we can and helping them understand
why we're setting the boundaries that we're setting. But boundaries
are important, and yeah, it's a real thing, like the
dope mean, highs and lows are a real thing, and
(32:11):
we do need to be careful.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
It won't be the last time we were talking about that,
that's for sure. It's we need to take a quick
moment to take a break. It's eighteen and a half
minutes to six. I think, by the way, I apologize,
I think I might have seen it was twenty four
past six a while back. So no, we're not at
six o'clock yet, We're we're now eighteen and a bit
minutes away from six o'clock news talks, the'd be no.
Speaker 5 (32:31):
Longer ago and I want you away now from all
the lovely things we hate.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Now, when did we go? When did we go?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I do no, but I know it feels like so
well far away. Let's welcome back to the parents squad.
My guest is she upon ample Am. She's a counselor
with Bernado's they have. They're reminding us of their and
reminding you of their eight hundred what's up? Not what's
app because I slipped under that a couple of times.
(33:04):
What's eight hundred up? Look, we've only got a few
minutes to go before we go to our sports rap dashi.
But just outside of the really urgent need for help
with kids, you know, concerns around health, self harm, just
for parents who are listening, And sometimes I think if
you hear why kids call and how you help them,
(33:24):
it sometimes reminds people, actually, maybe I will get my
child to jump on the on the eight hundred. What
are some of the stats around the reasons that kids
call and how you can help them?
Speaker 4 (33:35):
Yeah, So, like I mentioned in a lot of the
top five ones involve some kind of relationship factor, so
peer relationships, friendships, family relationships, sometimes family violence, partners, you know, crushes, boyfriends,
(33:58):
girlfriends like that.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
How often heartbreak?
Speaker 4 (34:02):
Oh, I couldn't give you a person intage off the
top of my head. Help out with heart.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
What was that that you do? Help out with the heartbreak?
Speaker 4 (34:12):
Do you which? Right? Right? It's it's often actually, you know,
kind of post heartbreak or arguments, you know, navigating like
you know it's okay to say, or you know, I'm
(34:32):
really upset after this fight or conversation. I'm not quite
understanding what they're saying. All the things that you know,
I think most of us experience as some some stage
in our lives.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
Just just on the on the I don't mean it
as a trivial thing, but but everyone goes through heartbreak.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
What what what? What can you actually?
Speaker 3 (34:52):
I mean, it's like the song I want to It's
almost we should have gone out with how can you
mean a broken heart? But how do you help kids
through heartbreak? Because in the end time heals everything. But
they want they don't want to know that.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Oh yeah, yeah, no, we don't. We try not to
say that honestly to for the most part, they just
I mean, I think this is true for adults as well.
For the most part, when you're in pain, you just
don't want to be alone in it, you know.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Just being there to listen and talk.
Speaker 4 (35:25):
Yeah yeah, and and normalizing their feelings, validating their feelings.
And also when you go through things, not just heartbreak,
but lots of things for the very first time you do,
you have kind of conscious or subconscious questions like is
this normal? Am I crazy? Do other people experience this?
(35:47):
Which we know, we forget that we have those thoughts,
But that's also the beauty of actually talking about something,
because as you talk, you stumble onto thoughts, you know.
As one of the goals of person senato therapy, I
don't love the word goals, but is self discovery and
(36:09):
building self trust. And so we ask them questions with
genuine curiosity to get to know them, and through those
questions they get to know themselves, and they part of
that is exploring what their other options are or what
normally helps them feel better, what's helped them in the past,
or who else can they talk to, and through answering
(36:31):
that for themselves, they feel like they've got some kind
of a plan. And do you know that they're going
to be okay.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Actually, funny thing is we can probably do a whole
hour talking about how can you mend a broken heart,
whether it be teenagers or adults. Hey, Dashi, time flies.
Thank you so much for your time this afternoon, and
I hope we can have another chat again sometime. But
if you are looking for if you're you know, you
think you'd like to your child, or if you're listen
listening in the backset of the car with mum or
(37:00):
dad right now and you want to have a chat
with a counselor the number is eight hundred, what's up?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
I wait, hundred, what's up?
Speaker 3 (37:06):
But of course if you need help and that line's
not available, don't forget the one seven three seven. You
can text or call that for someone to talk to
as well. Darshi, thank you so much for your time.
Really appreciate it. We'll look forward to talking again.
Speaker 4 (37:19):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
We'll be back with We're going to wrap spport with
Elliott Smith, who is next to This is our News Talks.
It'd b it's ten to six News Talks.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
It be for more from the Weekend Collective. Listen live
to News Talk SEDB weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News TALKSB and.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Hang On a Second.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
I've got a little bit of feedback just going on
there right and welcome back to the show. Sorry a
little bit of music missing there, but welcome to the
parents squad. By the way, if you've missed, I'm Tim Beverage.
If you've missed any of the previous hours, we had
a lively discussion with Ed McKnight around the relaxing the
Golden visa rules or the foreign Buyer band and you
can go and check that out. Listen to check out
our podcast at the news Talk ZBI website or on iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
But also the Hang On a Second. Also the.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Panel which we had with Brad Olsen and Wilhelmina Shrimpton,
which was basically we covered a whole lot of stuff there,
but if it was we had a lot of fun
with them chatting about the budget and some other issues.
If you want to catch that particular panel, then go
to we get Podcasts, as I say, iHeartRadio or news
Talk said be dot co dot nz. And I'm just
(01:06):
checking with my producer because we may be having some
technical issues. But I think before I introduce my guests.
We're getting the thumbs up there, yes, and we're all
good to go. So so that was the sound of
me fudging for a little bit of time there because
we just added a couple of technical issues we're sorting out.
But we have a new guest on the Parents Squad
(01:27):
and I'm going to introduce them in just a moment.
But the topic we're going to delve into is, well,
you know, every parent has a time when they worry
about their child's mental and well being and their mental health.
But when do you get them help and if you do,
how involved should you be in that process? Because there
are times when your child may actually want to go
and speak with a counselor say, for instance, at school,
(01:48):
and from my understanding is that actually you're not necessarily
going to know that that's happened, and there can be
good reasons for that, because sometimes the problems that children
want to talk about might be something that stem from home,
and it's reasonable maybe that the children can expect some confidentiality.
But as a parent, what should your involvement be, if any,
in that process. I know people who have had there
(02:11):
who have been concerned about their child's happiness with regards
to things around just friendship issues and things. And it
was explained to them that when the child goes to
counseling that the contents of that counseling session will not
be passed on to the parents. And actually, in that case,
I don't think the parents actually had a major problem.
They were just keen to get their child some help.
But there can be more serious issues. So we're going
(02:32):
to delve into that, into the whole question around counseling,
counselors supporting children. We'd love your cause on eight hundred
and eighty ten eighty and I get the question for
that is should you be allowed to know that your
child is seeing or seeking counseling or is where would
you draw the line? And to discuss that and other issues,
(02:52):
we have knew guests. She is a counselor and psychologist
at Bernado's and her name is Darshi Ponampalam and Darshi good,
good afternoon.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
How are you.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Good? Tim Thank you? Just want to correct there, I'm
not actually a psychologist that thank you, yeah, And I'm
doing get how you Jane excellent?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
So how long have you been? Tell us what about
the week you do at Bernardo's.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
So Bernardos is, as you know, a children's charity. Bernardos
does a lot of different types of mahe in that space,
I look after our kids, help lying oh eight hundred
What's Up? And we provide confidential anonymous counseling for five
to nineteen year olds, and I'm currently the team leader there.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
How important is it that it's confidential counseling.
Speaker 4 (03:48):
That's that's a really really good question. I think something
that we like, something that we value at What's Up,
I guess is that children can come as they are,
you know, they can show up with all of their
(04:09):
all of their stuff. You know. We even we're even
okay with prank calls. We're one of the few helplines
that don't block children. We quite genuinely mean come as
you are, you know, and we build trust over time
to get to know them, and when they're ready, they
can share the big stuff with us. And I think
(04:30):
there are a lot of spaces in their lives where
they can't do that. And it doesn't always mean that
those spaces are horrible. Often they've got beautiful, loving parents
and families, but sometimes some things are just hard to
talk to the closest people with.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Yeah, I imagine it's difficult to sum up because there'd
be such a diverse range of issues and problems kids
want to talk about.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Actually, I should put.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
It out there that, to be honest, I don't have
a problem with kids having confidentiality. I think there would
be issues that, say, obviously, we can understand that if
there are problems at home, and there can be some
really serious issues where children need to seek some help.
But I can understand I guess in the school context
that if it turns out that your child has gone
(05:19):
to see a counselor and the parents don't know about
it and never know, and it is quite a serious issue,
but it's not connected with the parents or anything, that
is a difficult one, isn't it. Because I still, to
be honest, I guess because I trust my kids that
if there's something they really need to talk about, that
if I'm just quiet and create the space that they
(05:42):
will talk to me, is that I mean? Yeah, I
mean it is a I know, the ethical issues is
probably quite clear cut for you because the child is
the one you're looking after, But where do their families
come into it?
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Yeah? Yeah, such a good question, and I do empathize
with that. So I don't actually have children on my own,
but I have seven nisses and nephews of God children,
and it breaks my heart to think that they can't
talk to their parents or can't talk to me or
a teacher or someone if they are really struggling with something.
(06:20):
And at the same time, I guess that's if, for
whatever reason that situation arises, you want them to have
as many options as they can. And so I don't
necessarily think it's a should they shouldn't they. I think
it's more like, you know that the issue is a
(06:44):
little bit more nuanced than that. Are there specific situations
where that should be an option? Sometimes it needs to be.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Are there serious issues where you actually do have to
tell the parents. I mean, I guess when it comes
to kids talking about self harm and things like that,
that would feel to me that's something you do need
to that you can't just keep between the two, you know,
the counselor and the child, is it no?
Speaker 4 (07:13):
So if there if a child is unsafe, or you know,
we have reason to believe they're unsafe, we do seek
external support, and you know, to the best viability we
try and get the child on board with that, it's
not always appearance. And also because it is an anonymous
help lin, it's it's very rare that it's the parent's
(07:37):
number that they give. We do actually have some regular
clients who have given us permission to call their parents,
so you know, we create safety plans with them, and
you know, for some of them, their parents are on there,
but for most of them it would be a different
external agency.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
So what is it is?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
What are the I'm out in the range of problems
that kids come to you worth? What draws them to
giving you? Are there any sort of Are they common
factors that you often see at play when children are
seeking some counseling advice or what have you observed so far?
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Yeah, so our top kind of five to ten tend
to stay pretty much the same. They might switch order
a little bit, but common ones are family relationships, peer relationships,
bullying so side self harm are also quite common. And
I just also want to put out that some of
(08:36):
these are common because we have regular repeat clients as well.
So a lot of you know, a lot of our
young people, especially the ones struggling with some deep kind
of self image, self identity, belonging, issues or you know,
the ones that are struggling with suicidal ideation. It does
tend to continue, It doesn't kind of their issues don't
(08:59):
go away with one chat or phone call.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
So when it's obviously if for you, as the aim
of the What's Up service, the eight hundred What's Up?
How do you actually get word of that? I mean,
do you target children as there something that you want
parents to know about? I don't mean target children, you
know what I mean. It's a terrible, terrible expression. My apologies,
(09:23):
but do you aim to get the word to children?
How do you reach out about a service like this?
Speaker 4 (09:32):
So we are actually you know a lot of counselors,
social workers and schools have our posters, We go to
community events, we meet you know, school nurses, features children
principles in those spaces. And we're also really lucky to
(09:54):
be part of Bernardo's, who are you know, one of
the biggest children's charities, and we have social workers at Bernardo's,
we have social workers at school, so we get a
little a lot of reference is from them as well.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Yeah, yeah, how long has it been going for?
Speaker 4 (10:10):
For close to twenty five years?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Now what what? I wait?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Hundred WhatsApp number has been going what's up? Sorry, not
what's happen side of the times, isn't it?
Speaker 4 (10:23):
Oh yeah, yeah, you're certainly not alone. Man.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
I wait, so how long eight hundred what's up? Been
going for?
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Yeah? No, nearly twenty five years. So there used to
be kids Line. I can't quite recall when kitslan started,
but kids Line's now merged with us. Yeah, so currently
the only ones that go as young as five.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
By the way, I should mention that if any of
we have talked about a few things and involving children
and the worry about self harm and things like that,
and my I always feel obliged to give out there
is also the well we talk about the eight hundred
what's up? There is always I always say this is
a great number to remember as the one seven three seven.
If you call and text, if anyone feels that as
a result of the conversation that there's something you really
(11:07):
need to talk about, you need help, then that is
the other government initiative a one seven three seven. I'm
not doing that to sort of fudge the message here,
but I just mentioned it. Whenever there's discussion arounds self harm.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
But how what is the.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Balance absolutely, you know, that's really important.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
What is the balance when it comes to obviously we
have that government initiative which is actually, you know what,
it's funny as far as effective initiatives. To me, I
haven't had had use of it, but the fact that
there's such that it's it's we put it out there
fairly regularly when we're discussing difficult issues. But it's such
(11:41):
an important thing for people just to know where to
turn and that time where you you know, you're not
feeling great, you don't feel like gurgling anything, you're feeling
miserable to have you know, And the same thing with
eight hundred what's up?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
You know, how.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Important is it for people to have just that easy
and how would they make a decision about which counseling
service to turn to?
Speaker 4 (12:02):
That That is the other thing. I think one good
thing is that at all of these out plans are
counselors right. So if we do get an adult who's
called the wrong number, we refer them to the right service.
If they are highly distressed or if they're unsafe for
(12:23):
any reason, we will still do a safety assessment for them.
We won't just kind of let them go or refer
them on. And we have also had referrals from adult
helplines from once even three seven Lifeline youth line. You know,
So we work together in that way. And actually a
lot of our kids have safety plans which include these
(12:44):
other numbers because we're not a twenty four hour service.
There's anxiety in New Zealand. Like, yeah, We've got a
lots of different options with slightly different specialties, and they're
all important.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
What drew you to being a counselor? Sorry, I know
you might not have been expecting that question, but I'm
always curious.
Speaker 4 (13:05):
Yeah, yeah, so I actually started off I was just
kind of curious about about the mind. So I did
psychology ten to fifteen years ago, and then I did
counseling psychology, and then worked a little bit in social
work education, worked kind of at What's Up on and
off throughout that whole period. And then when I returned
(13:30):
to What's up the last time I returned to What's Up,
something kind of just clicked and I, you know, went
back to studying counseling.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Does it?
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (13:41):
Also?
Speaker 3 (13:41):
You have moments w because if you're been involved with
it for a while, I mean everyone has moments in
their work when they suddenly realized, goodness, we're making a
difference here. Was there something obviously confidentiality respected. But have
you had moments where you suddenly went, oh, my goodness,
I really see why I'm doing this and the value
it has. Did you have a sort of penny drop
moment or something.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Or yeah, that's a really great question, to be honest.
I think when I was young, I I was the
youngest of a large family. I'm the youngest of five,
and we come from a collectivist culture, so there were
(14:20):
there are lots of people around all the time, and
I was one of the youngest, so it was just,
I guess acutely aware of the experience of being small
in a world that was kind of created for big people,
if you like. And I vividly remember thinking to myself like,
or you know, just times when I had I felt
(14:41):
unheard and for no reason, you know, not because my
parents didn't listen to me, or you know, no one
was doing anything on purpose, but just times when you
felt small. Yeah. Yeah, I just remember thinking I would
love to give children a different experience when I'm older,
(15:05):
and I can't actually remember how I stumbled onto What's Up.
But when I heard about it, literally everything we stand
for and then stood for, then just felt like, these
are the people who are doing that, you know, and
I want to be a part of that. So even
just discovering What's Up, I felt like was a penny
(15:27):
drop moment. And then you know, getting trained in persons
enter therapy, you know, which values empathy, congruence, allowing the
child to be here there, are prioritizing their version of
the story, believing them, just all all of that. It
just that's that's the work we do so often, you know,
(15:48):
every call some days feels like a penny drop moment.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
There's what is the average age? What's the sort of
range of ages of children who seek help? From eight
hundred what's up?
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So I would say that average it's, you know, between
twelve and sixteen, But we are seeing an increase of
children calling her between five and twelve, so that's it's
close to twenty percent at the moment. Yeah, yeah, so
it kind of it kind of fluctuates, and it is
(16:22):
also related to promotions. I would say, you know, if
for example, if we do a car ad, yeah, that
actually tends to increase the number of younger kids because
parents are listening on that. You know, they're taking them
to school, and the younger kids are dependent on the
parents to call with them obviously.
Speaker 3 (16:42):
Okay, look, we're going to take a quick break and
we'll be back in just a moment, and we're going
to dig into having a look at you know, when
parents maybe should seek another voice to help their kids
with something.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
When should you encourage your child maybe to go.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
And see a counselor so we're going to and if
you'd like to share your thoughts with us as well,
but also if your parent who's who is wants their
child be maybe seek some third party advice. Gosh, that
sounds so sterile, doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (17:10):
But you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
To see a counselor do you expect that you should
be involved further in that conversation or is that the
point where you step back and think, well, you know,
these are people who know what they're doing. I've got
to let them deal with it and trust my child
to feel my child can talk about anything they want
confidentiality or do you want to be part of that process?
We have a discussion about how we navigate those waters
as well. In just a moment, this is the Parents
(17:33):
Squad on News Talks. You'd be The number is eight
hundred eighty ten eighty. You don't forget in text on
nine two nine two. And I know that sometimes with
ours like this we often get texts rather than people
wanting to call all the time. But you're welcome to
give us a call if you've got any questions or
opinions on this. Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty will
be back in just to mow. It's twenty four past six.
Speaker 5 (17:57):
Ninety enough crazy? Are you going to eat me at?
Speaker 2 (18:21):
Welcome back?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
This is News Talks. That'd be the Parents Squad. My
guess guest is Darshi Pano. She is a counselor at
Bernardo's and we're actually talking in connection with their eight
hundred what's up number and just a counseling support for
children and how how we approach that as parents as well.
Eight nighty ten eight A. You're welcome to give it.
We'd love to hear from you as well. When are
(18:45):
the how would a parent know when what's the difference
between for instance, you know, just childhood, teenage, angst versus
What would be the signs that would make a parent
decide or should make a parent think about getting their
child from counseling.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
I have a few thoughts about this. To my first
one's quite boring, but it's basically that if your child
wants to and I don't want to kind of oversimplify that,
but I guess I'm thinking about some of the tamodiginande
that call or come on chat who's who say they
(19:30):
want a face to face counselor which we can't provide,
but they, you know, they say things like my mom
and dad think, you know, that's only for crazy people,
or it's too hard or too expensive, you know, but
there is some free access through the GP and things
(19:51):
like that, and and they're in a lot of pain,
you know, and we we wouldn't do that with physical health. Gosh.
I mean, I hope not, but I do, like it
does surprise me that with all of these conversations, all
of the kind of progress we've made and social justice
and the information out there on mental health and things
(20:14):
like that, it's not still not quite normalized. And I
guess I see counseling as mainly preventative, right, So we
don't kind of say, I suppose, you know, maybe we
wanted this too. But you know, when do we take
a young person to the doctors, we just kind of no, right.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Like, you're going to the doctor. Look, that's a nasty
little sore you've got there. We're off to the doctor
and that's it. Actually, that is right. You know what
It is funny because for physical health parents, it's like, well,
I'm the boss and you're going to the doctor whether
you like it or not.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I mean, mental health can be really serious. I mean,
would you do?
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Because I've known parents and through there in the parents squad,
you talk to people where the parents like I wanted
my child to go and talk to someone, but they
just said, Mum or dad, I'm not going you know.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
H yeah, true, true, yes, Actually, now that you mentioned it,
I've spoken to parents who have been in similar situations
where they feel like, you know, the child has no motivation,
They feel like they might be suffering from quite serious depression,
but they can't actually get them to a psychologist.
Speaker 3 (21:24):
Social isolation, you know, they don't comfortably fit in whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
So what do you what do you? What do you do?
Speaker 4 (21:32):
Yeah? So, I mean those are situations where I would say,
you know, that's kind of the other end of that
spectrum where it's getting to a point where day to
day life is debilitating. I would say that's a pretty
big sign that they need some external support. We often
end up being a kind of bridge for that support.
(21:53):
For example, I'm say with social anxiety, they're too scared
to see a face to face counselor, and so, you know,
we we build trust and once have kind of shared
something within that adult that they can't see, they tend
to trust our referrals and or they get a bit
(22:16):
of practice with talking to someone and then they feel
like they can go out and do that in the
real world. But it is, it is genuinely, really hard,
and I empathize with those parents because it's not like
there's no checklist as such, you know. But I do
think a big piece of it is one listening to
(22:39):
our children, noticing noticing any changes, you know, noticing changes
in mood, habits.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
You know, because an easy track for favorite parents to
fall into, I think is because every teenager can have
dramatic moments, and sometimes every parent would be like, oh goodness, sake,
just you know, don't be ridiculous. But there's a point
I remind myself because I I've got a teenage daughter
and a twelve year old and going on sixteen, and
(23:12):
you know that there's dramas and I try and tell
myself just to shut up sometimes.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
If they're gonna be up to a point. But I mean, yeah, how.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Do you think parents are going with it? I mean
that that is a mistake to make, isn't it? Because
but it's an understandable one, because sometimes your kids drive
your nuts. But there's a point where actually you should
listen because they're trying to unload something.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
Yeah, I just wanted to terrify that. Well, how does
how does it go for you? Like when you feel like, oh,
maybe I should have shut up.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Oh look, I mean I try to share too much
about my own kids on it, But I mean as
a dad, I can speak generically and every parent about
issues that Oh look, I try and create at my
best and I know my worst. I can be grumpy,
but and when I'm doing maybe a better job, I
(24:07):
try and just be quiet for a while and create
some space where they fill it talking about what they
want to do. And I have had moments where a
feveryone's a bit tired to say, listen, why don't you
take yourself off to your room for a couple of minutes,
and I'll come in and talk to you a bit.
I try and just think I've got to create a
vacuum for them to fill with whatever's bothering them.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
That's such a cool analogy.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Yeah, I wouldn't say I always succeed, by the way,
I'm not going to just make them sound like sound
like father there, but anyway, carry ons right.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
Well, I mean, honestly, I think being father there is
more about trying. And I think often often they can
sense that, they can sense when they're loved and cared for,
and they struggle, and so do a lot of adults.
(25:02):
To regulate their emotions. Their brains is to developing, which
I think a lot of adults can forget, especially when they,
you know, when they're speaking and talking and arguing just
like another adult woods, you know. And so I think
sometimes they don't always show that they feel loved when
(25:23):
you're creating a vacuum for them. And sometimes it's just
building those little moments of allowing them to feel heard
and validated and giving them space, giving them unconditional presence
and attention and regard, you know, and making I think
(25:44):
making their feelings okay, even if the behavior might not
always be okay, But giving them permission to feel what
they're feeling. I think those things are really important and
they add up over time, even if we don't always
feel like it's going well in the moment.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Okay, let's take some calls and eight Chris, Hello, Hi,
how are you good? Okay? What would you like to
share with us?
Speaker 4 (26:11):
Great?
Speaker 6 (26:12):
I know, I'd just like to say that, you know,
I've had five kids. They were born in the late sixties,
early seventies. They've all grown up to be good people,
never been in trouble with the law at all, but
they used to know what was right and what was
wrong and mistedly in those growing years. They never had
(26:33):
mobile phones, and I think mobile phones today are the
downfall of a lot of kids.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
And yes, social media all that.
Speaker 6 (26:45):
Yeah, yes, exactly, Yeah, and I just sort of think,
you know, it's really really sad. And you know, my
own kids have banned their kids from having phones until
they were older.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
What's older.
Speaker 6 (27:03):
Oh, they'll be about fifteen. And you know, they've all
got good jobs now, and I'm very proud. You know,
I just sort of think, you know, the internet today
is just it. It makes me said when kids have
huge mental problems.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
Actually, I'm not surprised you brought this up, Crest, because
it's a lot of the conversations we have on the show.
It's almost like all roads to lead to Rome, isn't it.
But as a common issue. Yes, Darshi, What's how much
do you think social media Internet contributes to the negative
(27:48):
outcomes for kids' mental health wise?
Speaker 6 (27:51):
I think okay, very high.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
Yeah, okay, I'll bring Darshia on this. Thanks, Chris Darshi.
What I mean, It's a comment we hear time and
time again, isn't it.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
Yeah? Yeah, thanks Chres. It is. It is definitely concerning,
and I think it's quite scary for a lot of
adults because it's just an experience we can't relate to.
It's quite interesting, though, because I also see kids just
navigating that world completely differently. You know, it's not for
(28:23):
some of them, it's it's not as scary, and because
they're kind of native to that world, if you like,
in the same way that we were native to different
problems when we were growing up in the generation before
us had different problems. They do also build skills to
handle those problems, So I think than handling it. Oh
(28:44):
my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. My nephew could use my phone
better than me when he was two. I mean he'd
steal it bit.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
From where's my phone? He always with you about theft
later on. But show me how to unlock this thing now?
Speaker 4 (29:05):
Yeah, yeah, like you figured out how to play music
on it and stuff. But yeah, so it is. It's
just it's hard for us to conceptualize. I think it's
just a completely different world and we the best we
can do is try and understand it. And they are
also very you know, it's helped them be creative. It's
helped some of them, you know, express themselves in ways
(29:26):
that they don't feel like they can express themselves in person.
You know. There's somebody and who have different types of
mental there's issues like autism, more adh, you know, and
there's different apps that help them. So I think technology
can definitely be a really good tool. We need to
help our kids use those tools.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
I think the thing, the thing that I think that
the problem was, the social media thing is where people
get addicted to and I think there are plenty of
adults addicted to this. Seeing how many likes their posters
got oh yeah, and and because I said, actually, I
see my kids interact and we don't let them have
social media accounts. That they have WhatsApp, which is basically
(30:11):
glorified texting and calling, but they can put status posts.
But basically they just have little groups where they they
talk to each other more. And so far, sort of,
so good, but I don't want to be I'm worried
that there's a danger of being roast. So I do
rose tinted glasses that this generation can handle it better,
but they're also not aware of those addictive parts of
(30:34):
how the internet can affect us. How many people have
viewed my TikTok video, how many people have viewed my
Instagram video? I mean, what you what are your observations
and thoughts on that?
Speaker 4 (30:47):
Yeah, I mean I'd be lying if I said we
haven't seen that at what'sapp. I Actually one of my
regular clients had issues with that. I mean, she already
kind of had some issues with self image, and then
obviously that was made worse because she was seeing these
(31:08):
people post things and she felt like she couldn't experience
those things, or she didn't have many friends, or she
can grow those places and so it does kind of
create a culture of comparison and possibly you know, even
I guess it just lets them kind of ruminate on
(31:30):
what they have and don't have, and you know, can
trigger some jealousy. I do. I'm just not sure if
a simple solution is like a hard yes or a
hard no. I just often with a lot of complicated issues,
there aren't simple solutions, and I think we have to
(31:51):
be careful not to miss the nuance. And we need
to make sure that we're involving young people in those
decisions and compromising where we can and helping them understand
why we're setting the boundaries that we're setting. But boundaries
are important, and yeah, it's a real thing, like the
dope mean, highs and lows are a real thing, and
(32:11):
we do need to be careful.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
It won't be the last time we were talking about that,
that's for sure. It's we need to take a quick
moment to take a break. It's eighteen and a half
minutes to six. I think, by the way, I apologize,
I think I might have seen it was twenty four
past six a while back. So no, we're not at
six o'clock yet, We're we're now eighteen and a bit
minutes away from six o'clock news talks, the'd be no.
Speaker 5 (32:31):
Longer ago and I want you away now from all
the lovely things we hate.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Now, when did we go? When did we go?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I do no, but I know it feels like so
well far away. Let's welcome back to the parents squad.
My guest is she upon ample Am. She's a counselor
with Bernado's they have. They're reminding us of their and
reminding you of their eight hundred what's up? Not what's
app because I slipped under that a couple of times.
(33:04):
What's eight hundred up? Look, we've only got a few
minutes to go before we go to our sports rap dashi.
But just outside of the really urgent need for help
with kids, you know, concerns around health, self harm, just
for parents who are listening, And sometimes I think if
you hear why kids call and how you help them,
(33:24):
it sometimes reminds people, actually, maybe I will get my
child to jump on the on the eight hundred. What
are some of the stats around the reasons that kids
call and how you can help them?
Speaker 4 (33:35):
Yeah, So, like I mentioned in a lot of the
top five ones involve some kind of relationship factor, so
peer relationships, friendships, family relationships, sometimes family violence, partners, you know, crushes, boyfriends,
(33:58):
girlfriends like that.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
How often heartbreak?
Speaker 4 (34:02):
Oh, I couldn't give you a person intage off the
top of my head. Help out with heart.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
What was that that you do? Help out with the heartbreak?
Speaker 4 (34:12):
Do you which? Right? Right? It's it's often actually, you know,
kind of post heartbreak or arguments, you know, navigating like
you know it's okay to say, or you know, I'm
(34:32):
really upset after this fight or conversation. I'm not quite
understanding what they're saying. All the things that you know,
I think most of us experience as some some stage
in our lives.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
Just just on the on the I don't mean it
as a trivial thing, but but everyone goes through heartbreak.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
What what what? What can you actually?
Speaker 3 (34:52):
I mean, it's like the song I want to It's
almost we should have gone out with how can you
mean a broken heart? But how do you help kids
through heartbreak? Because in the end time heals everything. But
they want they don't want to know that.
Speaker 4 (35:04):
Oh yeah, yeah, no, we don't. We try not to
say that honestly to for the most part, they just
I mean, I think this is true for adults as well.
For the most part, when you're in pain, you just
don't want to be alone in it, you know.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Just being there to listen and talk.
Speaker 4 (35:25):
Yeah yeah, and and normalizing their feelings, validating their feelings.
And also when you go through things, not just heartbreak,
but lots of things for the very first time you do,
you have kind of conscious or subconscious questions like is
this normal? Am I crazy? Do other people experience this?
(35:47):
Which we know, we forget that we have those thoughts,
But that's also the beauty of actually talking about something,
because as you talk, you stumble onto thoughts, you know.
As one of the goals of person senato therapy, I
don't love the word goals, but is self discovery and
(36:09):
building self trust. And so we ask them questions with
genuine curiosity to get to know them, and through those
questions they get to know themselves, and they part of
that is exploring what their other options are or what
normally helps them feel better, what's helped them in the past,
or who else can they talk to, and through answering
(36:31):
that for themselves, they feel like they've got some kind
of a plan. And do you know that they're going
to be okay.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Actually, funny thing is we can probably do a whole
hour talking about how can you mend a broken heart,
whether it be teenagers or adults. Hey, Dashi, time flies.
Thank you so much for your time this afternoon, and
I hope we can have another chat again sometime. But
if you are looking for if you're you know, you
think you'd like to your child, or if you're listen
listening in the backset of the car with mum or
(37:00):
dad right now and you want to have a chat
with a counselor the number is eight hundred, what's up?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
I wait, hundred, what's up?
Speaker 3 (37:06):
But of course if you need help and that line's
not available, don't forget the one seven three seven. You
can text or call that for someone to talk to
as well. Darshi, thank you so much for your time.
Really appreciate it. We'll look forward to talking again.
Speaker 4 (37:19):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 3 (37:22):
We'll be back with We're going to wrap spport with
Elliott Smith, who is next to This is our News Talks.
It'd b it's ten to six News Talks.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
It be for more from the Weekend Collective. Listen live
to News Talk SEDB weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio
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