May 31, 2025 • 35 mins
We trust schools with the bulk of what our children are taught - and it makes sense, since they spend the majority of their time there.
But are we delegating the raising of our children too much to schools?
LISTEN ABOVE
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News talks
'B and.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hear you and my head when I'm dreaming you trying
to be my friend.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
You're blown, miss skilled telling you.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Where you can go.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Yes, welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I tim beverage
or welcoming if you're just joining us. And by the way,
if you are just joining us, you might want to
go and check out previous hours.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
You can go to iHeartRadio or.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
News Talks, he'd b and look for the Weekend Collective.
We generally get each hour loaded up digitally so you
can go and listen to that pretty quickly. So that's
the way we like to It's the way we like
to roll here at news Talk, said B.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Anyway, this is the oh.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
What we had for the previous hour was Campbell DeNoon
talking about finding the right real estate agent and some
fascinating conversations about real estate in general. And for the panel,
we were joined by Mark Kreisel and Luke dallow and
we're covered a bunch of things. But as always with
our panel, I love our panel. We've got some great
guests and we are always a great conversation. So you
can check that out on news Talk, said b Or iHeartRadio.
(01:36):
Right now, it's time for the parents squad, and we're
going to talk about Before I introduced my esteemed.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Guest about.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Where are we delegating the raising of our children too
much to schools? But in particular, and I don't mean
that in some sort of really judgmental way, but where
does the school's obligation end and where does the parents begin?
But more particularly, where's the overlap? We're actually you know
what you're happy for? Obviously, when it comes to educating kids,
(02:05):
we expect them to be taught how to read and
write and the other subjects that they go on to
learn as their education progresses. But how much should you participate?
As opposed to just saying right, they're off to school,
where you go? The more significant issues are questions around
(02:26):
I don't know, when they're teenagers or before that, learning
about the birds and the bees and other social issues
and ills and so where. Because I think it's easy
for a generation of pearans of older parents or who
are now maybe grandparents, look back and go, well, this
is the way we did it, but times have changed.
Kids seem to live I remember talking to a friend
(02:48):
of mine whose daughter was just so busy with everything.
She was doing dance here and theater there in Sport.
And I said, good, this is ridiculous the amount of stuff.
And he said, oh, well, just how old are yours?
So you know they're about two and four. He said,
well give it, give it far ten years and you'll
know exactly what I'm talking about. And everything he told
(03:08):
me was right. Kids are busy these days. But are
we delegating too much of the raising of our children
to others?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
And two schools? Anyway?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
To discuss that, she is a regular on our show.
That's regular. It doesn't sound like the most exciting title,
but she's a neuroscience educator at Engaged Training and her
name is Katherine Burkett and Katherine, good afternoon.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
How are you.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
I'm great, Thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
The question around us delegating or you know, the overlaps
what should we I mean, what are we happy to
leave up to the schools to teach our kids? Because
when you are young, for instance, to me, you should
not outsourcing teaching your kids to read, because you should
be onto that at an early age, with teaching kids
(03:55):
the love of books and storytelling and imagination and things.
But is it something you sort of think that we do.
Maybe we've got a generation of pearance, just the style
of pararing everyone's working. You know, there's no longer many
stay at home parents. That our kids are increasingly spending
more time learning in the company of not strangers but
other people.
Speaker 6 (04:18):
Yeah, so I'll put my neuroscience hat onto so that one.
And our brain grows in relation to learning. Right, So
the more that we learn things, but we need to
learn it in a fun way, in a practical way.
So if we want our kids to learn values of
respect and sharing, and I know that you're talking about
reading and writing, but there's just so much more we
(04:38):
need to learn. Now we've always were historically, that's been
learnt with lots of different people around us. So when
our brain connects up, I don't want just one thought
process in my child's brain, which is the think way
that I think. I want them to be challenged and
thinking different ways. So it's not like outsourcing. It's the
fact that we need to bring our values and our
(04:58):
teachings to our kids, and then we need to also
allow it to happen at school. But also you're talking
about at the clubs and the dancing and all those
sorts of things. So we need to see that we're
not there any ones raising our kids. It's raised in
a group. So I think there's definitely a joint effort here.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
I guess that's where the other side kicks in as well,
with parents are too controlling and they want to control
all these every lesson their child learns, when in fact
their children are going to be part of a community
and part of society. And yeah, but yeah, it is
a bit of a sliding scale, isn't it.
Speaker 6 (05:36):
And what do you want your kids to know as adults?
What do you want them to grow up and what
experiences do you want them to have on the way.
And schools bring huge things to our young people and
their peers bring huge things if we create spaces for
that learning. And that's why I'm a huge advocate for
a lot of the art and the dramas and stuff
at school because we learn a lot from that debating
(05:57):
and these sorts of things, and that's what schools can bring.
You can't really bring some of those things into your
home spaces. You haven't got the amount of kids, all
the amount of competition or anything like that, so, yeah,
but we are definitely responsible as parents as well. We
cannot say, well, the school didn't teach them that, the
school didn't teach my child to be respectful. Those things
(06:18):
are definitely things that start very young late you said,
even with reading, things that need to be start to
be instilled in the first few years. Respect and understanding
and all of those sorts of values.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
The obvious one that came up to me because well,
I guess it's the age my kids are aut is
around the talk about the birds and the bees, and
it's I was thinking back to my own childhood and
my poor old dad got bullied into sitting down with
me in a copy of Oxford sort of Britannic encyclopedia,
where I didn't learn a single thing, and without them knowing,
(06:53):
probably one of my brothers gave me more information than
I was going to get my parents.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
And it's funny.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Because it is supposed to be one of those big talks.
But I'm not sure if I should be honest about this.
Is quite happy for them to learn quite a lot
of that through their social science sort of in terms
of at least just the biolo biology of it.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
But what was that.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
I mean, you know there is that over lap because
there are some parents alike I don't want I mean
there is literally I think that you have to sign
a form saying if there's certain things that you want,
you do not want your child to be in that class.
And the sex talk is one of them.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
Yeah, I've had I've had parents saying, you know, my
child is not going to learn about that. The thing is,
when we were kids, if our parents didn't sit us
down or our friends had a bit of a chat
to us as something like that, then then we sort
of had to organically learn about this stuff and it
happened quite slowly, and it happens through curiosity generally nowadays.
(07:50):
And it's really hard to answer this question because no,
I don't want to very young kids taught about this stuff.
But we know that the exposure to online information in
that space is happening at first view at six, seven,
eight years old, So so what time do we start talking.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
To them about it?
Speaker 6 (08:07):
Because I don't want to talk to my six seven
year olds about this if I had six seven year olds,
But if I don't, are they going to learn from
it online?
Speaker 5 (08:14):
So we need to be.
Speaker 6 (08:16):
Aware of this stuff so we can actually talk to
them us we need to talk to them, or some
human has to talk to them rather than them learning
that stuff from online. So that's a really hard question
to answer. But I promise you if we ignore it
or we don't have that conversation, they're learning it from somewhere.
And I do not like what they're learning from online
(08:37):
information in that space.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Act well, who would.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
I mean, I don't want it to be the conversation
to be focused on sex and the birds and the
bees and things. But I have a sense that I mean,
I know our daughters have probably raised questions from time
to time about something and we give the basic sort
of answer or something, because I mean, who initiates the conversations?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Because for me.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
And my poor dad, I think it was because my
brothers would probably teasing me to go and ask Dad
to tell you about the such and such, and you
know he probably wasn't you know it was It was
just something I look back with funny enough a degree
of affection that poor old dad and his unaased trying
to give me the basics. But I guess I did
(09:22):
drive that conversation initially by asking about it. I mean,
should you wait for your kids to start asking this stuff.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
So the theory around this, and I'll give you the
theory which is not always the easiest to implement, but
really you've got to start really young. You've got to
start at three four five year old when you're not
not talking about texts and the beds and bees, but
when they're asking questions or when they're having a conversation
with you.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
We call it serve and return.
Speaker 6 (09:46):
So say the four year old goes, what's that? Or
I want to know about that? Exactly what you said,
You give them a little bit of information, you answer
their question, you return pretty much the same amount that
they asked. Then you wait, do they ask another question?
And in that way, our young people learn that we're
going to engage with them in a really respectful way.
If they are one question and in half an hour
(10:07):
we're still talking, you know, explaining everything, that's not going
to encourage engagement. We start that quite young. We have conversations,
but when it comes to those topics, we've got to
let them know we're open to that. And I know
many families that aren't open to that. So this is
where we do need to have it available at school
or the option at school for someone to talk to.
(10:28):
But as a parent, what I need to do is
set up the dialogue, let them know I'm okay with
the conversation. They come to me, they ask a question,
I return the appropriate amount back. I wait to see
if they want to ask another question.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
Do you see? And that's how you're more likely to
have an ongoing, respectful conversation with your young person in
the best of worlds.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
Because, I mean, you don't want to form a judgment
of these things, but I think that I think parents
who don't want their kids to be to have these
conversations at school and science class and things like that,
I mean, I do think that the making mistake only
because what they're doing is that their meaning that the
outside influence their kids get is just going to be
(11:11):
from their peers. And there's an opportunity online. Yeah, and
there's an opportunity for adults in a sort of responsible
environment to impart information to kids where actually you should
I would think you should be glad that the school
is willing to support those conversations. But if you sign
away that, it's not like you're signing control into your hands.
You're just excluding a useful voice in that conversation, aren't
(11:34):
you God? That sounds so theoretical and to stuff righteous,
doesn't it.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Well, I totally hear what you're saying, but I mean,
if a parent is going to have those conversations, they're
having open conversations with the young people, then it's unlikely
they're going to restrict that conversation at school. But if
they are, then they don't need the school to jump
in if they feel like they're having the right convos.
But unfortunately it's often parents who find that difficult and think,
(11:59):
I don't want my child to know that, but I
am telling you the internet now and if they are
going to find it out.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
The other obvious subject is drugs and alcohol abuse and
substance abuse, and that's the thing where I think, you
know that that we probably can't get enough of that
sort of information to our kids. So if the schools
are going to play that role. But of course it's
one thing for the schools to talk about, you know,
the dangers of substance abuse and alcohol and all that.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Sort of thing.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
But if they're going home and Mum and Dad are
getting stuck into a bottle of wine every night, that's
that's probably another.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Subject, but it's also and I talk to some of
my audiences about this, you know, like if we're sort
of getting onto that alcohol thing, and how often have
we walked in the door as an adult and gone, oh,
my goodness, I can't wait to have a wine or gosh,
I need that. As soon as I get home and
get that beer in my hand, I'll be fine. And
we're actually modeling that you can't relax without alcohol and
(12:53):
alcohols and sometimes just our everyday language if we're aware
of it.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
And by the way, I'm you know, like I've got to.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Be a I think we're all exactly I think that.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
But then we've got to say, we've got to look
at that and try and model that at home. Don't say, well,
the school didn't teach my child not to drink, and
then you're going and having like you're saying, having the
bottle of wine or talking like that. So it's a
partnership between us and schools. It's a partnership between us
and other people in the community. It's not where's the line, it's,
you know, let's work together and make sure we're all
(13:24):
sending similar messages.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Okay, actually funny enough. On the alcohol thing. I have
found myself that, But I think that the reason I'm
okay with it. If I've gone home and gone it,
oh gosh, and my wife and I might be like,
we've got our own favorite drink that we might have
literally once or twice a week, and our girls will
only ever see us have one, and so they know
it's just like it's just a it's almost like a
(13:48):
I think they still probably see it as a first
quenching thing when it's just it's actually funny enough to me.
It's just represents me telling myself to relax. But I
guess I'm more comfortable with that because I'm not getting
stuck in to anything. I'm very I'm a lightweight. It's
probably what I'm saying. But we'd like to know what
(14:08):
as as parents or grandparents, are there some lessons that
should still be left with parents or are we Is
it fine if our schools and other organizations in our
communities are also helping our kids with these things, But
if you is there a line where you think, no, no,
this is not something that school should have anything to
(14:30):
do with. This is this is the role of family
or or whatever. Give us a call, and I know
we gravitated instantly to the obvious question about and you know,
who should teach you kids about the birds and the bees.
But that is one of those The reason it pops
up as a talker, as a piece of the conversation
is because it is one of those difficult topics where
the temptation looms large to go on. Well, goodness me,
(14:52):
if they do happen to cover this oft in science,
that'll be just great. I mean, what do you reckon
O eight hundred and eighty ten eighty, it's twenty two
past five news talks he'd.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Be He's welcome back to the Parents' Squad on the
Weekend Collective.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
My guest is Katherine Burkett, neuroscience educator. We're talking about
the conversations that you have with your kids, or what's
best left to you to other people, or are we
doing too much of that with our kids living such
busy lives and spending so much time outside the home. Now,
Katherine raised the question about oh, I raised the question,
sorry about do you wait for your kids to bring
things up? Or well, well, we've got a caller who's
(15:38):
got a bit of a quandary on that one. Stephen, Hello, yeah, okay,
So a little bit of background.
Speaker 7 (15:47):
My wife and I are still working.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
And I have on second there, Stephen, Just a second there, Stephen.
I think we're just having a technical issue that Catherine
cannot hear the callers. So I'm just gonna get you
start that again if we can just check what's going
on there.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Just got to is that right, Catherine? You can't hear.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
Catherine can't hear anything yet, So let's just see if
when otherwise. I will just relay this for Catherine's benefit
while people are listening.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
But carry on, Stephen.
Speaker 7 (16:19):
Is Catherine listening now or no?
Speaker 5 (16:21):
Get him to summarize it.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
Yeah, I'll summarize it for you. Tell us and I'll
summarize it for her.
Speaker 7 (16:27):
Yeah, okay, So my wife and I are still working.
We've got a twenty twenty year old daughter going on
twenty one and an eighteen year old son going on nineteen,
both living at home with us. Our son went to
a mixed college, met his skilfriend there and anyway, has
(16:52):
been going out with her for twelve months or more,
and so he started. He's been staying out at night
with his mates a lot, staying in his mate's house
and recently, he said, I stayed at my girlfriend's house,
and so I popped the question to her, well, where
do you sleep when you start your girlfriend's house? And
he said with her and she lives with her parents,
(17:16):
And so I said, well, okay, you're sleeping with her.
Thank you for being honest. But I think, because you
know I don't want anything, I don't want any I
think I should meet the parents. I think your mum
and I should meet the parents. And he said why
and I said, well, because you know, we need to
(17:40):
be part of this decision making. Am I being a
little bit too restrictive or do you think it's fair
that we do meet the parents who you know our
son is sleeping with their daughter.
Speaker 4 (17:55):
No, okay, I think Catherine's picked moust of that up.
But basically, Stephen's son is in a relationship and when
he went for a stayed with his daughter stay with
his friend.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Sorry, and where do you sleep?
Speaker 4 (18:07):
I sleep with her, And anyway, he hasn't really had
a manage to have a conversation with her about whether
that's the right thing. But the parents on the other
side cem okay with it? Is that sort of a
fair description? Stephen?
Speaker 7 (18:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (18:21):
Yeah, I'm sure I didn't catch the age.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
How old is your son?
Speaker 7 (18:28):
He's coming up nineteen in a.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
Month, okay or nineteen, So yeah, that's that's Catherine can
chip in now, Stephen. Thanks for the description, mate, What
do you reckon Catherine?
Speaker 6 (18:43):
Yeah, I mean at nineteen, we're a young adult, aren't we.
And I would hope that we've had good conversations. And
that's where I was talking before about opening those conversations
up early, because it's really hard. If this is the
first time you're having a anyone listening, you don't want
this to be the first time you're having a difficult
conversation when you're talking about what's happening when you're staying over.
You want those conversations to be around I don't know
(19:04):
what we have him for dinner? And what have you
done at school today? And have you got your assignment?
Sort of have those conversations earlier, learn how to have them,
learn how to have them respectfully, because this is a
biggie and it is really hard, but we try and
fix those sort of situations earlier. But yeah, I mean
at nineteen, he's making his own choices. But I definitely
(19:25):
still have a chat with him and make sure he
understands consequences. But yeah, i'd hope so at that age.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Stephen, had you had Okay, yeah, carry on.
Speaker 7 (19:38):
My question? Is am I being too restrictive in asking
to meet her parents?
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Oh yeah, okay, sorry, sorry, Stephen? Has he been too
restrictive in asking to meet her parents? That's an interesting line, Catherine,
What do you reckon?
Speaker 6 (19:59):
Yeah, I mean the agent that we've got to be
really careful when someone's nineteen, they're starting to become a
young adult. So it depends on Hey, your young person
is are they still really dependent on you? Are they
still expecting you to do a lot of things for them?
I think that would change it a little bit, But
I would, I would. I mean, I think there's a
good point of getting hold of the parents, not the
kids themselves, the parents.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
What have you done?
Speaker 6 (20:19):
Have you had that conversation yourself and having a conversation
with your son, So because it's sort of it might
be crossing a boundary to talk to somebody else's daughter
unless she really wants to, unless she's completely open to it.
But if you've talked with your son and they and
you're sure that they've talked with their daughter, then everybody's
on board.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
I guess Stephen, is that you probably just have to say, look,
we'd love to meet her and her.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Parents at some stage.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
What's the chance and see what, see what happens, because
I don't think you can actually probably demand it at nineteen,
would be my guest, Stephen, What do you reckon?
Speaker 5 (20:52):
Ye? Just set it up, ask for it. Yes, they've
got a lot more choice.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
You haven't been as Okay, I don't think you quite
got what I was coming from anyway, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
No, No, that's a right, I think. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:06):
I think probably we didn't get it because he was nineteen,
and I think at nineteen it's different. If they're fifteen
sixt well, fifteen, I think it's illegal. Sixteen seventeen, eh,
I would be Yeah, that's that's a tricky one.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Isn't it?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
But I really isn't.
Speaker 6 (21:23):
And I know there'll be a lot of parents out
there sort of potentially in that situation. And again, this
is why we want to open up up dialogue earlier,
create spaces where we can have respectful conversations earlier. So
if something like this does happen, you've got the practice.
Do you see so when you say to your kid,
can you tell me what's been happening, they don't think
you're going to come in with a lecture or coming
in over them. So set up those conversations earlier, because,
(21:48):
like I said, when it comes to these ones, it's
not easy.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
Yeah, that's text here. It says I think parents would
love to think their kids would abstain, but parents need
to be a bit more realistic. When I was in
high school, a lot of parents would put their daughters
on birth control, quote for their skin. They weren't allowing
them to do anything, but it was there for protection
if they did well, whatever works, I guess. But you
(22:13):
certainly want to make sure that that's the other question,
I mean, the whole thing of regardless of what you
tell your kids to do, you want to make sure
that if they do happen to break that rule, that
there's not some sort of unwanted pregnancy.
Speaker 6 (22:27):
Yeah, and again and also, by the way, pregnancy is
not the only risk of this space, so and so
being on the pill is not necessary or anything but
what i'd want. And I'm not saying your kids are
going to tell you everything, but if they need, if
they get confused, or they get worried or they want
to ask you. We need to have those channels open
if they do, like and maybe they do, and then
(22:48):
they come to you and go, actually, I need to
talk to you about this, or I'm worried about this,
opening those channels. And sometimes it is people at school
who are able to have those conversations and are able
to engage the school counselor or their dean or this
pe coach or whatever. So it's not just us, There
handy other people that can support in this space. But
our kids need to be able to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 5 (23:09):
They really do.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
I think the thing is if you're only starting to
have conversations with your kids when you think there's something
going on, you've left it too late, haven't you. I mean,
what age should you start having conversations about some of
these relationship issues if we can put it that way.
Speaker 6 (23:24):
Even if it's like I say, even at three, four
five years old, we find things to have conversations about
that are a little bit sticky, you know, like I said,
what are you going to wear to school? Or something
like that, but something that might create a bit of
different opinion, and we have those conversations on purpose in
a respectful way, so that when it comes to these big,
big conversations, we've practiced that. How many parents listening to
(23:45):
this can honestly say they've sat down and had really open,
honest conversations with their kids about the how they're doing
at school, or what they're doing, or their sport or
their friend or what's happened. Not all the time, but
enough for them to know that they can talk to you, because,
like I said, you don't want to wait for these conversations,
be starting to practice conversing with your children.
Speaker 4 (24:08):
I think one of the things I might have forgotten
to ask Stephen was how old his son's girlfriend was.
And maybe that was part of the question because if
she was actually that, well, yeah that is interesting. If
she was only sixteen or seventeen, yeah, well, I think
whatever it is is an issue for her parents to
(24:28):
sort out. I guess because he at nineteen, that's a
different cup of tea. I think nineteen it's difficult to
be bossing your kids around. I mean, if they're living
under your roof, there'll be parents who say, look, you
live in Myra. I know we're getting off the topic
a bit, but it was inevitable we get on here,
I think, but you know, if you're living at home,
there is still probably a discussion where parents might want
(24:48):
to have a bit of input on things or not.
But that's that's for another. Probably for another. It's a
whole other conversations bossing.
Speaker 6 (24:55):
You're not going to be able to boss someone at nineteen,
but you would hope that you could have a conversation,
an open conversation, find out where has heads at exactly.
But also remember parents, you can only control what you control,
and he's your son and he's the one you are
and so yeah, i'd want to have a discussion with
the parents or check in how she's going, But it's
all done with their rights consider as well. And I'm
(25:16):
not all this big Oh it's all their rights, but
don't jump in there and demand to talk to her.
But I'd be checking in. It's good to check in.
We want to make sure that everybody knows, you know,
the resk's involved.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
Yeah, a few texts here. One was said, I was
born in the seventies and I can tell you I
had mates who had brought their dad's penthouse and Mayfair
MagX to score in the early eighties, so we knew
all about it, regardless of the Internet.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Of course.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
I mean, actually, of course there were other medium before.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
The Internet. Of course.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
In this person saying, you remember the old VCRs, Trust me,
it was all around just like it is now with kids,
well yeah, I guess I.
Speaker 6 (25:55):
Get no, there is it was, but I can homss
you now. I'm in the statistics and the data.
Speaker 5 (26:02):
It is.
Speaker 6 (26:02):
They've got little things in their hands that they can
type it in whenever they want. So, yes, there was,
and I know about that at school and all the
things that you could get hold of. But you can't
tell me that getting hold of your parents VCR finding
a time we.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Nobody's watching good didn't do.
Speaker 6 (26:14):
That's was as easy as now when you've got a
little device in your hand in the playground at someone
else's house. It is so easy, and it's normal. And
I think that example is so good because it's normal
to be curious, and our kids are curious, and guess what,
they kind of be curious. And now they've got devices
that have got a heck of a lot more information
than what you could see in a penthouse.
Speaker 5 (26:35):
I can promise you that, yes.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
Indeed, gosh, that sounds so retro, doesn't it the old
days of the public the playboys and magazines.
Speaker 6 (26:42):
Great, have your dad's gone from under this bed? And
taking it discord? Everybody knew.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
I still remember one of my friends brought one to
school or something, or maybe a handful, and the boys
were pouring all over it. And one of my other friends,
who was a bit mischievous, deliberately pulled it out of
the bag and it fell out on to the pavement
and there were a whole bunch of teenage boys who
(27:08):
scattered and this thing was just sitting there like a
piece of something, of a.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
Bit of lettercaus not.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
Nobody wanted to reclaim it, and I was like, oh god, anyway, hey,
look we've taken.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
A quick break and come back in a moment.
Speaker 4 (27:21):
We're with Catherine Burkett and neuroscience educator and engaged training
and we're talking about the conversations that well, when do
we trust the conversations that our kids should be having
to strangers or ourselves, and look it has you know,
the conversation sort of slipped into the area of talking
about the sex talk and the birds and the bees
and things like that, but on other issues, are you
(27:44):
are you happy for schools to be in charge of
much of the raising of our kids and teaching them
not just you know, reading, writing and all that sort
of thing, but some of the ethical values they might
learn eight hundred and eighty ten eighty Text nine to
nine two. It is twenty two minutes.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
To say.
Speaker 7 (28:16):
Come here.
Speaker 6 (28:18):
To see you.
Speaker 4 (28:30):
Let's welcome back to the weekend collective beverage. This is
the Parents Squad. My guest is Katherine Burkeert, neuroscience educator,
talking about the overlap between you know, what you trust
your kids to learn from others and where you should
be involved. The other obvious question Catherine around just kids
being parents being involved with their children's upbringing and education upbringing.
Of course they should be wholly involved in that. But
(28:52):
homework is that's an interesting one. How much help did
you give your your kids with homework? And when do
you have to check out of that because you know
there comes a point. Well, to be honest, I sometimes
think you check out because they're asking you stuff you've
got no idea about.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
It looks after itself, doesn't it.
Speaker 6 (29:12):
Yeah, if you're asking me personally, I had a very
strong policy of not requiring my kids to do homework.
We're in the primary and intermediate school, and not because
I believe that when they came yeah, when they came home,
they needed to play.
Speaker 5 (29:27):
They needed to play. We need a lot more time.
The brain knows.
Speaker 6 (29:30):
I know with neuroscience that one of the biggest things
for the brain is downtime, play, imagination, boredom, good boredom,
and all that sort of stuff. So I actually went
into battle a number of times with teachers around that.
And when they got into college, yeah, yeah, when they
got into college, obviously it's a bit different when they're
having to do exams and stuff like that. So there
(29:51):
was that space, but you know, in primary and intermediate
my view, and obviously parents can have their own, but
I definitely prioritized play in downtime and relaxation and yeah,
rather than.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
That's interesting because I think that the the homework, well
it wasn't really homework. Usually the stuff they bring home
with thing with things that would be creative projects where
they had to do something artistically or something which naturally
takes a little bit more time. Why to build this
sculpture or do this painting or something like that.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
And I don't mind that so much.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Because that's it's not you know, the maths. You know that,
it's not the sort of two times table and things
like that.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
It's something that's you.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
Know, you can say that could be a leisure activity anyway,
but it's just happens to be more structured.
Speaker 6 (30:35):
Yeah, so that is you can allow play, you can
allow imagination and stuff in that space. So absolutely, But
on that topic, you know, what we've really got to
do is be careful as a parent, is to do
it for them. And I hear this all the time,
is that their kids are now going back to school
with their projects and their projects if they've done it themselves,
(30:56):
they start feeling really you know, fuckama, are really embarrassed
just about their creation because someone else's parent has gone
and got this and resources and done it. And we
really have to step back and let our kids do
their own. You know, we can sit with them and
hang out with them and help them and offer them
and support them, but let's not you know, the kid
goes to bed and we're up till ten o'clock at night.
Speaker 5 (31:18):
Thank god, project finished for tomorrow. I hear that quite.
I've heard that a number of times, and so that
is a definite.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
Oh, absolutely, teachers spot that though, wouldn't they that'd spot
when I what can they.
Speaker 5 (31:31):
Do about it? We'll just ask them, are they going
to tell the kid that they're a liar?
Speaker 4 (31:37):
Well, I mean if they could, well, I would have
thought most kids would. Would most kids find it hard
to they were said, it didn't.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
How much help did you get with this?
Speaker 5 (31:45):
I think so?
Speaker 6 (31:46):
But you know what most of us and when I
deal with this stuff, most of this comes from the
actual parent, not from the kid. It comes from the parents,
so we can't know the kid. But that's definitely a
place to step back. So if you're talking about projects,
please hang out with them, talk with them, ask them
why they're doing it, get them to learn from it,
because it's actually that problem solving, imagination, creating a thing.
And I'd much rather than end up presenting a project
(32:09):
that looked absolutely disaster but learned along the way all
the things from it, rather than me supporting them to
do the perfect project.
Speaker 4 (32:18):
It's interesting, for instance, so with you know, social sciences
or history or humanities or things. So I've was my
daughter had had a project where she had to, you know,
do footnotes and sum up things and things like that,
and I talked to her through it and say, well,
what do you think's most important? Let's read that paragraph,
(32:40):
and I say so, and I would show what I
do with one of my stories. I say, well, I'm
reading a story for news. This is how I highlight it,
and I'll show what I do. And there's a way
of helping them through where they learn because of your
of your experience that you can Actually that's more teaching
for me. But it is a funny one because in
the end you can't go, well, okay, just do this, this,
(33:02):
this and this, and that's where that's where you've crossed
the line.
Speaker 6 (33:06):
Yeah, so when I talk about like building resilience, I
think we might have tooked this before. But even in
any learning the analogy I like to use if you
go to the gym and you were laying on the
bench trying to pick up the you know, lift the weight,
lift the bar. If someone wanted to support you, they
wouldn't come over, grab the bar and rack it and
then go look, you couldn't lift that all, lay down
and lift.
Speaker 5 (33:26):
It for you.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
You're just the way what you do, you'd spot.
Speaker 6 (33:29):
Them, right, you'd give them the least Well. Yeah, so
if you went over and they're struggling, you'd give them
the least support possible. And what you're doing with your
daughter is you're giving your support, but it's the least
you know, like, hey do this, here's some ideas. So
we give them support where they can do most of
the lifting. Do you say, so we're encouraging them to
do the project. As long as they're doing most of
(33:52):
the lifting, then I'm okay with you being involved. But
a lot of parents will jump in, grab it, do
it themselves, and the kids just like thrown out of
the project. So what you want to ask yourself is
am I supporting them to do most.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
Of the lifting?
Speaker 3 (34:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (34:07):
Fun enough with my product at the particular door I
was helping. Most of my advice was like you can
do less than that. You've covered, You've more than covered it. No,
that's enough information. It's probably it's Chris, you know, she's
very diligent. Anyway, Hey Catherine, if people want to check
out what you're up to and what you offer it
(34:27):
engaged training, where can they where can they learn?
Speaker 5 (34:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (34:31):
I've actually put up a couple of videos. So I've
got two videos, ones about resilience and one is about
the teenage Brain. They're both just fourteen seventy five. On
my website Engage training dot co do INZID, so you're
welcome to go and have a look there. There's also
a lot of free resources, so engage training dot coda
inzid heaps on there. I've also got a ted X
talk about devices, and I've got a podcast series.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Oh you're busy busy he today. Good stuff.
Speaker 4 (34:53):
Yeah, hey, good good to yeh Yeah, all right, thanks
very much.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
We'll catch you again.
Speaker 5 (34:58):
Go to canes.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
Oh well, we'll find out about that in just a moment.
Because Christopher Reeve is with us for the sports rat.
This is News Stalk zid B. It's twelve minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News talks
'B and.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hear you and my head when I'm dreaming you trying
to be my friend.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
You're blown, miss skilled telling you.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Where you can go.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Yes, welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I tim beverage
or welcoming if you're just joining us. And by the way,
if you are just joining us, you might want to
go and check out previous hours.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
You can go to iHeartRadio or.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
News Talks, he'd b and look for the Weekend Collective.
We generally get each hour loaded up digitally so you
can go and listen to that pretty quickly. So that's
the way we like to It's the way we like
to roll here at news Talk, said B.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Anyway, this is the oh.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
What we had for the previous hour was Campbell DeNoon
talking about finding the right real estate agent and some
fascinating conversations about real estate in general. And for the panel,
we were joined by Mark Kreisel and Luke dallow and
we're covered a bunch of things. But as always with
our panel, I love our panel. We've got some great
guests and we are always a great conversation. So you
can check that out on news Talk, said b Or iHeartRadio.
(01:36):
Right now, it's time for the parents squad, and we're
going to talk about Before I introduced my esteemed.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Guest about.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Where are we delegating the raising of our children too
much to schools? But in particular, and I don't mean
that in some sort of really judgmental way, but where
does the school's obligation end and where does the parents begin?
But more particularly, where's the overlap? We're actually you know
what you're happy for? Obviously, when it comes to educating kids,
(02:05):
we expect them to be taught how to read and
write and the other subjects that they go on to
learn as their education progresses. But how much should you participate?
As opposed to just saying right, they're off to school,
where you go? The more significant issues are questions around
(02:26):
I don't know, when they're teenagers or before that, learning
about the birds and the bees and other social issues
and ills and so where. Because I think it's easy
for a generation of pearans of older parents or who
are now maybe grandparents, look back and go, well, this
is the way we did it, but times have changed.
Kids seem to live I remember talking to a friend
(02:48):
of mine whose daughter was just so busy with everything.
She was doing dance here and theater there in Sport.
And I said, good, this is ridiculous the amount of stuff.
And he said, oh, well, just how old are yours?
So you know they're about two and four. He said,
well give it, give it far ten years and you'll
know exactly what I'm talking about. And everything he told
(03:08):
me was right. Kids are busy these days. But are
we delegating too much of the raising of our children
to others?
Speaker 3 (03:16):
And two schools? Anyway?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
To discuss that, she is a regular on our show.
That's regular. It doesn't sound like the most exciting title,
but she's a neuroscience educator at Engaged Training and her
name is Katherine Burkett and Katherine, good afternoon.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
How are you.
Speaker 5 (03:31):
I'm great, Thank you so much.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
The question around us delegating or you know, the overlaps
what should we I mean, what are we happy to
leave up to the schools to teach our kids? Because
when you are young, for instance, to me, you should
not outsourcing teaching your kids to read, because you should
be onto that at an early age, with teaching kids
(03:55):
the love of books and storytelling and imagination and things.
But is it something you sort of think that we do.
Maybe we've got a generation of pearance, just the style
of pararing everyone's working. You know, there's no longer many
stay at home parents. That our kids are increasingly spending
more time learning in the company of not strangers but
other people.
Speaker 6 (04:18):
Yeah, so I'll put my neuroscience hat onto so that one.
And our brain grows in relation to learning. Right, So
the more that we learn things, but we need to
learn it in a fun way, in a practical way.
So if we want our kids to learn values of
respect and sharing, and I know that you're talking about
reading and writing, but there's just so much more we
(04:38):
need to learn. Now we've always were historically, that's been
learnt with lots of different people around us. So when
our brain connects up, I don't want just one thought
process in my child's brain, which is the think way
that I think. I want them to be challenged and
thinking different ways. So it's not like outsourcing. It's the
fact that we need to bring our values and our
(04:58):
teachings to our kids, and then we need to also
allow it to happen at school. But also you're talking
about at the clubs and the dancing and all those
sorts of things. So we need to see that we're
not there any ones raising our kids. It's raised in
a group. So I think there's definitely a joint effort here.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
I guess that's where the other side kicks in as well,
with parents are too controlling and they want to control
all these every lesson their child learns, when in fact
their children are going to be part of a community
and part of society. And yeah, but yeah, it is
a bit of a sliding scale, isn't it.
Speaker 6 (05:36):
And what do you want your kids to know as adults?
What do you want them to grow up and what
experiences do you want them to have on the way.
And schools bring huge things to our young people and
their peers bring huge things if we create spaces for
that learning. And that's why I'm a huge advocate for
a lot of the art and the dramas and stuff
at school because we learn a lot from that debating
(05:57):
and these sorts of things, and that's what schools can bring.
You can't really bring some of those things into your
home spaces. You haven't got the amount of kids, all
the amount of competition or anything like that, so, yeah,
but we are definitely responsible as parents as well. We
cannot say, well, the school didn't teach them that, the
school didn't teach my child to be respectful. Those things
(06:18):
are definitely things that start very young late you said,
even with reading, things that need to be start to
be instilled in the first few years. Respect and understanding
and all of those sorts of values.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
The obvious one that came up to me because well,
I guess it's the age my kids are aut is
around the talk about the birds and the bees, and
it's I was thinking back to my own childhood and
my poor old dad got bullied into sitting down with
me in a copy of Oxford sort of Britannic encyclopedia,
where I didn't learn a single thing, and without them knowing,
(06:53):
probably one of my brothers gave me more information than
I was going to get my parents.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
And it's funny.
Speaker 4 (06:59):
Because it is supposed to be one of those big talks.
But I'm not sure if I should be honest about this.
Is quite happy for them to learn quite a lot
of that through their social science sort of in terms
of at least just the biolo biology of it.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
But what was that.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
I mean, you know there is that over lap because
there are some parents alike I don't want I mean
there is literally I think that you have to sign
a form saying if there's certain things that you want,
you do not want your child to be in that class.
And the sex talk is one of them.
Speaker 6 (07:29):
Yeah, I've had I've had parents saying, you know, my
child is not going to learn about that. The thing is,
when we were kids, if our parents didn't sit us
down or our friends had a bit of a chat
to us as something like that, then then we sort
of had to organically learn about this stuff and it
happened quite slowly, and it happens through curiosity generally nowadays.
(07:50):
And it's really hard to answer this question because no,
I don't want to very young kids taught about this stuff.
But we know that the exposure to online information in
that space is happening at first view at six, seven,
eight years old, So so what time do we start talking.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
To them about it?
Speaker 6 (08:07):
Because I don't want to talk to my six seven
year olds about this if I had six seven year olds,
But if I don't, are they going to learn from
it online?
Speaker 5 (08:14):
So we need to be.
Speaker 6 (08:16):
Aware of this stuff so we can actually talk to
them us we need to talk to them, or some
human has to talk to them rather than them learning
that stuff from online. So that's a really hard question
to answer. But I promise you if we ignore it
or we don't have that conversation, they're learning it from somewhere.
And I do not like what they're learning from online
(08:37):
information in that space.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Act well, who would.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
I mean, I don't want it to be the conversation
to be focused on sex and the birds and the
bees and things. But I have a sense that I mean,
I know our daughters have probably raised questions from time
to time about something and we give the basic sort
of answer or something, because I mean, who initiates the conversations?
Speaker 3 (08:58):
Because for me.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
And my poor dad, I think it was because my
brothers would probably teasing me to go and ask Dad
to tell you about the such and such, and you
know he probably wasn't you know it was It was
just something I look back with funny enough a degree
of affection that poor old dad and his unaased trying
to give me the basics. But I guess I did
(09:22):
drive that conversation initially by asking about it. I mean,
should you wait for your kids to start asking this stuff.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
So the theory around this, and I'll give you the
theory which is not always the easiest to implement, but
really you've got to start really young. You've got to
start at three four five year old when you're not
not talking about texts and the beds and bees, but
when they're asking questions or when they're having a conversation
with you.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
We call it serve and return.
Speaker 6 (09:46):
So say the four year old goes, what's that? Or
I want to know about that? Exactly what you said,
You give them a little bit of information, you answer
their question, you return pretty much the same amount that
they asked. Then you wait, do they ask another question?
And in that way, our young people learn that we're
going to engage with them in a really respectful way.
If they are one question and in half an hour
(10:07):
we're still talking, you know, explaining everything, that's not going
to encourage engagement. We start that quite young. We have conversations,
but when it comes to those topics, we've got to
let them know we're open to that. And I know
many families that aren't open to that. So this is
where we do need to have it available at school
or the option at school for someone to talk to.
(10:28):
But as a parent, what I need to do is
set up the dialogue, let them know I'm okay with
the conversation. They come to me, they ask a question,
I return the appropriate amount back. I wait to see
if they want to ask another question.
Speaker 5 (10:41):
Do you see? And that's how you're more likely to
have an ongoing, respectful conversation with your young person in
the best of worlds.
Speaker 4 (10:49):
Because, I mean, you don't want to form a judgment
of these things, but I think that I think parents
who don't want their kids to be to have these
conversations at school and science class and things like that,
I mean, I do think that the making mistake only
because what they're doing is that their meaning that the
outside influence their kids get is just going to be
(11:11):
from their peers. And there's an opportunity online. Yeah, and
there's an opportunity for adults in a sort of responsible
environment to impart information to kids where actually you should
I would think you should be glad that the school
is willing to support those conversations. But if you sign
away that, it's not like you're signing control into your hands.
You're just excluding a useful voice in that conversation, aren't
(11:34):
you God? That sounds so theoretical and to stuff righteous,
doesn't it.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Well, I totally hear what you're saying, but I mean,
if a parent is going to have those conversations, they're
having open conversations with the young people, then it's unlikely
they're going to restrict that conversation at school. But if
they are, then they don't need the school to jump
in if they feel like they're having the right convos.
But unfortunately it's often parents who find that difficult and think,
(11:59):
I don't want my child to know that, but I
am telling you the internet now and if they are
going to find it out.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
The other obvious subject is drugs and alcohol abuse and
substance abuse, and that's the thing where I think, you
know that that we probably can't get enough of that
sort of information to our kids. So if the schools
are going to play that role. But of course it's
one thing for the schools to talk about, you know,
the dangers of substance abuse and alcohol and all that.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
Sort of thing.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
But if they're going home and Mum and Dad are
getting stuck into a bottle of wine every night, that's
that's probably another.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Subject, but it's also and I talk to some of
my audiences about this, you know, like if we're sort
of getting onto that alcohol thing, and how often have
we walked in the door as an adult and gone, oh,
my goodness, I can't wait to have a wine or gosh,
I need that. As soon as I get home and
get that beer in my hand, I'll be fine. And
we're actually modeling that you can't relax without alcohol and
(12:53):
alcohols and sometimes just our everyday language if we're aware
of it.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
And by the way, I'm you know, like I've got to.
Speaker 3 (12:59):
Be a I think we're all exactly I think that.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
But then we've got to say, we've got to look
at that and try and model that at home. Don't say, well,
the school didn't teach my child not to drink, and
then you're going and having like you're saying, having the
bottle of wine or talking like that. So it's a
partnership between us and schools. It's a partnership between us
and other people in the community. It's not where's the line, it's,
you know, let's work together and make sure we're all
(13:24):
sending similar messages.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Okay, actually funny enough. On the alcohol thing. I have
found myself that, But I think that the reason I'm
okay with it. If I've gone home and gone it,
oh gosh, and my wife and I might be like,
we've got our own favorite drink that we might have
literally once or twice a week, and our girls will
only ever see us have one, and so they know
it's just like it's just a it's almost like a
(13:48):
I think they still probably see it as a first
quenching thing when it's just it's actually funny enough to me.
It's just represents me telling myself to relax. But I
guess I'm more comfortable with that because I'm not getting
stuck in to anything. I'm very I'm a lightweight. It's
probably what I'm saying. But we'd like to know what
(14:08):
as as parents or grandparents, are there some lessons that
should still be left with parents or are we Is
it fine if our schools and other organizations in our
communities are also helping our kids with these things, But
if you is there a line where you think, no, no,
this is not something that school should have anything to
(14:30):
do with. This is this is the role of family
or or whatever. Give us a call, and I know
we gravitated instantly to the obvious question about and you know,
who should teach you kids about the birds and the bees.
But that is one of those The reason it pops
up as a talker, as a piece of the conversation
is because it is one of those difficult topics where
the temptation looms large to go on. Well, goodness me,
(14:52):
if they do happen to cover this oft in science,
that'll be just great. I mean, what do you reckon
O eight hundred and eighty ten eighty, it's twenty two
past five news talks he'd.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Be He's welcome back to the Parents' Squad on the
Weekend Collective.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
My guest is Katherine Burkett, neuroscience educator. We're talking about
the conversations that you have with your kids, or what's
best left to you to other people, or are we
doing too much of that with our kids living such
busy lives and spending so much time outside the home. Now,
Katherine raised the question about oh, I raised the question,
sorry about do you wait for your kids to bring
things up? Or well, well, we've got a caller who's
(15:38):
got a bit of a quandary on that one. Stephen, Hello, yeah, okay,
So a little bit of background.
Speaker 7 (15:47):
My wife and I are still working.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
And I have on second there, Stephen, Just a second there, Stephen.
I think we're just having a technical issue that Catherine
cannot hear the callers. So I'm just gonna get you
start that again if we can just check what's going
on there.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Just got to is that right, Catherine? You can't hear.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
Catherine can't hear anything yet, So let's just see if
when otherwise. I will just relay this for Catherine's benefit
while people are listening.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
But carry on, Stephen.
Speaker 7 (16:19):
Is Catherine listening now or no?
Speaker 5 (16:21):
Get him to summarize it.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
Yeah, I'll summarize it for you. Tell us and I'll
summarize it for her.
Speaker 7 (16:27):
Yeah, okay, So my wife and I are still working.
We've got a twenty twenty year old daughter going on
twenty one and an eighteen year old son going on nineteen,
both living at home with us. Our son went to
a mixed college, met his skilfriend there and anyway, has
(16:52):
been going out with her for twelve months or more,
and so he started. He's been staying out at night
with his mates a lot, staying in his mate's house
and recently, he said, I stayed at my girlfriend's house,
and so I popped the question to her, well, where
do you sleep when you start your girlfriend's house? And
he said with her and she lives with her parents,
(17:16):
And so I said, well, okay, you're sleeping with her.
Thank you for being honest. But I think, because you
know I don't want anything, I don't want any I
think I should meet the parents. I think your mum
and I should meet the parents. And he said why
and I said, well, because you know, we need to
(17:40):
be part of this decision making. Am I being a
little bit too restrictive or do you think it's fair
that we do meet the parents who you know our
son is sleeping with their daughter.
Speaker 4 (17:55):
No, okay, I think Catherine's picked moust of that up.
But basically, Stephen's son is in a relationship and when
he went for a stayed with his daughter stay with
his friend.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Sorry, and where do you sleep?
Speaker 4 (18:07):
I sleep with her, And anyway, he hasn't really had
a manage to have a conversation with her about whether
that's the right thing. But the parents on the other
side cem okay with it? Is that sort of a
fair description? Stephen?
Speaker 7 (18:21):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (18:21):
Yeah, I'm sure I didn't catch the age.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
How old is your son?
Speaker 7 (18:28):
He's coming up nineteen in a.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
Month, okay or nineteen, So yeah, that's that's Catherine can
chip in now, Stephen. Thanks for the description, mate, What
do you reckon Catherine?
Speaker 6 (18:43):
Yeah, I mean at nineteen, we're a young adult, aren't we.
And I would hope that we've had good conversations. And
that's where I was talking before about opening those conversations
up early, because it's really hard. If this is the
first time you're having a anyone listening, you don't want
this to be the first time you're having a difficult
conversation when you're talking about what's happening when you're staying over.
You want those conversations to be around I don't know
(19:04):
what we have him for dinner? And what have you
done at school today? And have you got your assignment?
Sort of have those conversations earlier, learn how to have them,
learn how to have them respectfully, because this is a
biggie and it is really hard, but we try and
fix those sort of situations earlier. But yeah, I mean
at nineteen, he's making his own choices. But I definitely
(19:25):
still have a chat with him and make sure he
understands consequences. But yeah, i'd hope so at that age.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
Stephen, had you had Okay, yeah, carry on.
Speaker 7 (19:38):
My question? Is am I being too restrictive in asking
to meet her parents?
Speaker 6 (19:47):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Oh yeah, okay, sorry, sorry, Stephen? Has he been too
restrictive in asking to meet her parents? That's an interesting line, Catherine,
What do you reckon?
Speaker 6 (19:59):
Yeah, I mean the agent that we've got to be
really careful when someone's nineteen, they're starting to become a
young adult. So it depends on Hey, your young person
is are they still really dependent on you? Are they
still expecting you to do a lot of things for them?
I think that would change it a little bit, But
I would, I would. I mean, I think there's a
good point of getting hold of the parents, not the
kids themselves, the parents.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
What have you done?
Speaker 6 (20:19):
Have you had that conversation yourself and having a conversation
with your son, So because it's sort of it might
be crossing a boundary to talk to somebody else's daughter
unless she really wants to, unless she's completely open to it.
But if you've talked with your son and they and
you're sure that they've talked with their daughter, then everybody's
on board.
Speaker 4 (20:37):
I guess Stephen, is that you probably just have to say, look,
we'd love to meet her and her.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
Parents at some stage.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
What's the chance and see what, see what happens, because
I don't think you can actually probably demand it at nineteen,
would be my guest, Stephen, What do you reckon?
Speaker 5 (20:52):
Ye? Just set it up, ask for it. Yes, they've
got a lot more choice.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
You haven't been as Okay, I don't think you quite
got what I was coming from anyway, thank you.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
No, No, that's a right, I think. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (21:06):
I think probably we didn't get it because he was nineteen,
and I think at nineteen it's different. If they're fifteen
sixt well, fifteen, I think it's illegal. Sixteen seventeen, eh,
I would be Yeah, that's that's a tricky one.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Isn't it?
Speaker 5 (21:22):
But I really isn't.
Speaker 6 (21:23):
And I know there'll be a lot of parents out
there sort of potentially in that situation. And again, this
is why we want to open up up dialogue earlier,
create spaces where we can have respectful conversations earlier. So
if something like this does happen, you've got the practice.
Do you see so when you say to your kid,
can you tell me what's been happening, they don't think
you're going to come in with a lecture or coming
in over them. So set up those conversations earlier, because,
(21:48):
like I said, when it comes to these ones, it's
not easy.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
Yeah, that's text here. It says I think parents would
love to think their kids would abstain, but parents need
to be a bit more realistic. When I was in
high school, a lot of parents would put their daughters
on birth control, quote for their skin. They weren't allowing
them to do anything, but it was there for protection
if they did well, whatever works, I guess. But you
(22:13):
certainly want to make sure that that's the other question,
I mean, the whole thing of regardless of what you
tell your kids to do, you want to make sure
that if they do happen to break that rule, that
there's not some sort of unwanted pregnancy.
Speaker 6 (22:27):
Yeah, and again and also, by the way, pregnancy is
not the only risk of this space, so and so
being on the pill is not necessary or anything but
what i'd want. And I'm not saying your kids are
going to tell you everything, but if they need, if
they get confused, or they get worried or they want
to ask you. We need to have those channels open
if they do, like and maybe they do, and then
(22:48):
they come to you and go, actually, I need to
talk to you about this, or I'm worried about this,
opening those channels. And sometimes it is people at school
who are able to have those conversations and are able
to engage the school counselor or their dean or this
pe coach or whatever. So it's not just us, There
handy other people that can support in this space. But
our kids need to be able to talk about this stuff.
Speaker 5 (23:09):
They really do.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
I think the thing is if you're only starting to
have conversations with your kids when you think there's something
going on, you've left it too late, haven't you. I mean,
what age should you start having conversations about some of
these relationship issues if we can put it that way.
Speaker 6 (23:24):
Even if it's like I say, even at three, four
five years old, we find things to have conversations about
that are a little bit sticky, you know, like I said,
what are you going to wear to school? Or something
like that, but something that might create a bit of
different opinion, and we have those conversations on purpose in
a respectful way, so that when it comes to these big,
big conversations, we've practiced that. How many parents listening to
(23:45):
this can honestly say they've sat down and had really open,
honest conversations with their kids about the how they're doing
at school, or what they're doing, or their sport or
their friend or what's happened. Not all the time, but
enough for them to know that they can talk to you, because,
like I said, you don't want to wait for these conversations,
be starting to practice conversing with your children.
Speaker 4 (24:08):
I think one of the things I might have forgotten
to ask Stephen was how old his son's girlfriend was.
And maybe that was part of the question because if
she was actually that, well, yeah that is interesting. If
she was only sixteen or seventeen, yeah, well, I think
whatever it is is an issue for her parents to
(24:28):
sort out. I guess because he at nineteen, that's a
different cup of tea. I think nineteen it's difficult to
be bossing your kids around. I mean, if they're living
under your roof, there'll be parents who say, look, you
live in Myra. I know we're getting off the topic
a bit, but it was inevitable we get on here,
I think, but you know, if you're living at home,
there is still probably a discussion where parents might want
(24:48):
to have a bit of input on things or not.
But that's that's for another. Probably for another. It's a
whole other conversations bossing.
Speaker 6 (24:55):
You're not going to be able to boss someone at nineteen,
but you would hope that you could have a conversation,
an open conversation, find out where has heads at exactly.
But also remember parents, you can only control what you control,
and he's your son and he's the one you are
and so yeah, i'd want to have a discussion with
the parents or check in how she's going, But it's
all done with their rights consider as well. And I'm
(25:16):
not all this big Oh it's all their rights, but
don't jump in there and demand to talk to her.
But I'd be checking in. It's good to check in.
We want to make sure that everybody knows, you know,
the resk's involved.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
Yeah, a few texts here. One was said, I was
born in the seventies and I can tell you I
had mates who had brought their dad's penthouse and Mayfair
MagX to score in the early eighties, so we knew
all about it, regardless of the Internet.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Of course.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
I mean, actually, of course there were other medium before.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
The Internet. Of course.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
In this person saying, you remember the old VCRs, Trust me,
it was all around just like it is now with kids,
well yeah, I guess I.
Speaker 6 (25:55):
Get no, there is it was, but I can homss
you now. I'm in the statistics and the data.
Speaker 5 (26:02):
It is.
Speaker 6 (26:02):
They've got little things in their hands that they can
type it in whenever they want. So, yes, there was,
and I know about that at school and all the
things that you could get hold of. But you can't
tell me that getting hold of your parents VCR finding
a time we.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Nobody's watching good didn't do.
Speaker 6 (26:14):
That's was as easy as now when you've got a
little device in your hand in the playground at someone
else's house. It is so easy, and it's normal. And
I think that example is so good because it's normal
to be curious, and our kids are curious, and guess what,
they kind of be curious. And now they've got devices
that have got a heck of a lot more information
than what you could see in a penthouse.
Speaker 5 (26:35):
I can promise you that, yes.
Speaker 4 (26:37):
Indeed, gosh, that sounds so retro, doesn't it the old
days of the public the playboys and magazines.
Speaker 6 (26:42):
Great, have your dad's gone from under this bed? And
taking it discord? Everybody knew.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
I still remember one of my friends brought one to
school or something, or maybe a handful, and the boys
were pouring all over it. And one of my other friends,
who was a bit mischievous, deliberately pulled it out of
the bag and it fell out on to the pavement
and there were a whole bunch of teenage boys who
(27:08):
scattered and this thing was just sitting there like a
piece of something, of a.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
Bit of lettercaus not.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
Nobody wanted to reclaim it, and I was like, oh god, anyway, hey,
look we've taken.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
A quick break and come back in a moment.
Speaker 4 (27:21):
We're with Catherine Burkett and neuroscience educator and engaged training
and we're talking about the conversations that well, when do
we trust the conversations that our kids should be having
to strangers or ourselves, and look it has you know,
the conversation sort of slipped into the area of talking
about the sex talk and the birds and the bees
and things like that, but on other issues, are you
(27:44):
are you happy for schools to be in charge of
much of the raising of our kids and teaching them
not just you know, reading, writing and all that sort
of thing, but some of the ethical values they might
learn eight hundred and eighty ten eighty Text nine to
nine two. It is twenty two minutes.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
To say.
Speaker 7 (28:16):
Come here.
Speaker 6 (28:18):
To see you.
Speaker 4 (28:30):
Let's welcome back to the weekend collective beverage. This is
the Parents Squad. My guest is Katherine Burkeert, neuroscience educator,
talking about the overlap between you know, what you trust
your kids to learn from others and where you should
be involved. The other obvious question Catherine around just kids
being parents being involved with their children's upbringing and education upbringing.
Of course they should be wholly involved in that. But
(28:52):
homework is that's an interesting one. How much help did
you give your your kids with homework? And when do
you have to check out of that because you know
there comes a point. Well, to be honest, I sometimes
think you check out because they're asking you stuff you've
got no idea about.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
It looks after itself, doesn't it.
Speaker 6 (29:12):
Yeah, if you're asking me personally, I had a very
strong policy of not requiring my kids to do homework.
We're in the primary and intermediate school, and not because
I believe that when they came yeah, when they came home,
they needed to play.
Speaker 5 (29:27):
They needed to play. We need a lot more time.
The brain knows.
Speaker 6 (29:30):
I know with neuroscience that one of the biggest things
for the brain is downtime, play, imagination, boredom, good boredom,
and all that sort of stuff. So I actually went
into battle a number of times with teachers around that.
And when they got into college, yeah, yeah, when they
got into college, obviously it's a bit different when they're
having to do exams and stuff like that. So there
(29:51):
was that space, but you know, in primary and intermediate
my view, and obviously parents can have their own, but
I definitely prioritized play in downtime and relaxation and yeah,
rather than.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
That's interesting because I think that the the homework, well
it wasn't really homework. Usually the stuff they bring home
with thing with things that would be creative projects where
they had to do something artistically or something which naturally
takes a little bit more time. Why to build this
sculpture or do this painting or something like that.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
And I don't mind that so much.
Speaker 4 (30:21):
Because that's it's not you know, the maths. You know that,
it's not the sort of two times table and things
like that.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
It's something that's you.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
Know, you can say that could be a leisure activity anyway,
but it's just happens to be more structured.
Speaker 6 (30:35):
Yeah, so that is you can allow play, you can
allow imagination and stuff in that space. So absolutely, But
on that topic, you know, what we've really got to
do is be careful as a parent, is to do
it for them. And I hear this all the time,
is that their kids are now going back to school
with their projects and their projects if they've done it themselves,
(30:56):
they start feeling really you know, fuckama, are really embarrassed
just about their creation because someone else's parent has gone
and got this and resources and done it. And we
really have to step back and let our kids do
their own. You know, we can sit with them and
hang out with them and help them and offer them
and support them, but let's not you know, the kid
goes to bed and we're up till ten o'clock at night.
Speaker 5 (31:18):
Thank god, project finished for tomorrow. I hear that quite.
I've heard that a number of times, and so that
is a definite.
Speaker 4 (31:25):
Oh, absolutely, teachers spot that though, wouldn't they that'd spot
when I what can they.
Speaker 5 (31:31):
Do about it? We'll just ask them, are they going
to tell the kid that they're a liar?
Speaker 4 (31:37):
Well, I mean if they could, well, I would have
thought most kids would. Would most kids find it hard
to they were said, it didn't.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
How much help did you get with this?
Speaker 5 (31:45):
I think so?
Speaker 6 (31:46):
But you know what most of us and when I
deal with this stuff, most of this comes from the
actual parent, not from the kid. It comes from the parents,
so we can't know the kid. But that's definitely a
place to step back. So if you're talking about projects,
please hang out with them, talk with them, ask them
why they're doing it, get them to learn from it,
because it's actually that problem solving, imagination, creating a thing.
And I'd much rather than end up presenting a project
(32:09):
that looked absolutely disaster but learned along the way all
the things from it, rather than me supporting them to
do the perfect project.
Speaker 4 (32:18):
It's interesting, for instance, so with you know, social sciences
or history or humanities or things. So I've was my
daughter had had a project where she had to, you know,
do footnotes and sum up things and things like that,
and I talked to her through it and say, well,
what do you think's most important? Let's read that paragraph,
(32:40):
and I say so, and I would show what I
do with one of my stories. I say, well, I'm
reading a story for news. This is how I highlight it,
and I'll show what I do. And there's a way
of helping them through where they learn because of your
of your experience that you can Actually that's more teaching
for me. But it is a funny one because in
the end you can't go, well, okay, just do this, this,
(33:02):
this and this, and that's where that's where you've crossed
the line.
Speaker 6 (33:06):
Yeah, so when I talk about like building resilience, I
think we might have tooked this before. But even in
any learning the analogy I like to use if you
go to the gym and you were laying on the
bench trying to pick up the you know, lift the weight,
lift the bar. If someone wanted to support you, they
wouldn't come over, grab the bar and rack it and
then go look, you couldn't lift that all, lay down
and lift.
Speaker 5 (33:26):
It for you.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
You're just the way what you do, you'd spot.
Speaker 6 (33:29):
Them, right, you'd give them the least Well. Yeah, so
if you went over and they're struggling, you'd give them
the least support possible. And what you're doing with your
daughter is you're giving your support, but it's the least
you know, like, hey do this, here's some ideas. So
we give them support where they can do most of
the lifting. Do you say, so we're encouraging them to
do the project. As long as they're doing most of
(33:52):
the lifting, then I'm okay with you being involved. But
a lot of parents will jump in, grab it, do
it themselves, and the kids just like thrown out of
the project. So what you want to ask yourself is
am I supporting them to do most.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
Of the lifting?
Speaker 3 (34:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (34:07):
Fun enough with my product at the particular door I
was helping. Most of my advice was like you can
do less than that. You've covered, You've more than covered it. No,
that's enough information. It's probably it's Chris, you know, she's
very diligent. Anyway, Hey Catherine, if people want to check
out what you're up to and what you offer it
(34:27):
engaged training, where can they where can they learn?
Speaker 5 (34:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (34:31):
I've actually put up a couple of videos. So I've
got two videos, ones about resilience and one is about
the teenage Brain. They're both just fourteen seventy five. On
my website Engage training dot co do INZID, so you're
welcome to go and have a look there. There's also
a lot of free resources, so engage training dot coda
inzid heaps on there. I've also got a ted X
talk about devices, and I've got a podcast series.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Oh you're busy busy he today. Good stuff.
Speaker 4 (34:53):
Yeah, hey, good good to yeh Yeah, all right, thanks
very much.
Speaker 3 (34:57):
We'll catch you again.
Speaker 5 (34:58):
Go to canes.
Speaker 4 (34:59):
Oh well, we'll find out about that in just a moment.
Because Christopher Reeve is with us for the sports rat.
This is News Stalk zid B. It's twelve minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
For more from the weekend collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.