Ben Shapiro's Terrible Book: The Saga Continues

Robert is joined by Katy Stoll and Cody Johnston to continue reading Ben Shapiro's terrible novel.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hmm, what increasingly emotionally shattered from the collapse of civilization
and constant exposure to violence. My uh, this is Robert Evans.
I didn't like it, but at least it's true. Yeah,

(00:24):
so we started, we started the show. Now the beginning
of the episode, Chris, you could edit out that part
where I that I cry all the side, but just
start with robertson true. Also, listeners, I cry all the time.
Good stuff. Really, I was gonna say, it's a really

(00:45):
good start. It's vulnerable, it's honest, it's raw, it's relatable.
I could go on. Someone interrupted me, well, you got
a edge to it. Little bite, Little Bite podcast. Yeah,
it feels like we started recording before we were ready

(01:06):
as if we did. We did. But that's the first
rule of broadcasting is to never be prepared or ready
or competent um ever, never check and check. So this
is Behind the Bastards. It's normally a podcast about the
worst people in all of history. Um, but you know,
sometimes we like to have a little bit of fun. Uh,

(01:28):
And and this is gonna be a fun one because
we're we're diving back into Ben Shapiro's just unfathomably poorly
written fiction novel True Allegiance. This will be episode three, Yeah,
failure of prose. I wish that our listeners could see
the beautific smile that spread across Robert's face as he

(01:54):
was talking about the fun we will have today. Yeah,
we need this. It's nice to see the enjoy through
the screen. That smile is me thinking about the time.
Then Shapiro wrote in a character that was the captain
of the high school football team, and no one knew
his name, his name, no one knew his name. I mean,

(02:15):
how could you? How could you know the star football
player's name make at the back of his jersey. I
don't know nothing like that. Oh, God in heaven. Um,
So you may want to watch the first listen to
the first couple of episodes, But your past, that's good

(02:36):
to know. I forget regularly because of all of the
repeated exposure to police munitions. Um Leah. When we left off,
there was a fun moment where the character that been
wrote in as the governor of Texas, whose name is
Bubba Yeah, was talking to the character who is clearly

(03:00):
based on Ben Shapiro's own wife, who was the wife
of the character that Ben wants to be who was
the bear of a man combat General Bret Hawthorne. In anyway, Ellen,
his wife and the governor we're having a conversation about
how how bad it is, uh to be a governor

(03:21):
that the federal government refuses to support during a massive
emergency that requires the mobilization of all resources. Um. And yeah,
we were enjoying the irony of that, of of of
how been actually landed when such a thing happened for real.
And now we're going to move on to the next chapter,
which is a chapter about Sola DoD who, if you remember,

(03:43):
is our She's that rancher who's supposed to be Clive
and Bundy like fifty and hispanic, uh. And and the
lady Yeah, really turning that stereotype on its heels. Yeah,
because you can't call her racist. If he writes in
a Hispanic character, then it's not racist then exactly feminine
for you been non racist, Ben Shapiro, Yes, that's he's

(04:09):
he's he's he's got it. What chapter are we on now,
ship it's like seven or eight something like that. Yeah,
we're several chapters in too many chapters, in more than
one more chapters than this book should have had. Because
it should never have been written. It should have stayed
in Ben Shapiro's little head. Uh. When he needed to

(04:30):
feel like a big man, he could he could think
about the fake combat general that he invented to make
himself feel tall. Um. Yeah, and the short terrorists and
the short little the terrorists who are all short. Yes, yes,
good people are tall. Terrorists are short, except for bad
black people who are all also very large. That is

(04:53):
the world that Been Shapiro has created. That is the
is the that is the cosmology of the moral universe.
In bench A. Piro's it sounds complicated, but really it's
quite simple, really simple rules. Yeah, okay, So it starts
with Sola Dad waking up to a knock on her
door at two in the morning, and you know, there's

(05:15):
a Bundy's type standoff going on at her ranch because
she's not paying taxes, because the taxes in the all
the evil government stuff makes it impossible for her ranch
to actually work. And anyway, there's this So there's a
bunch of motorcycle gangsters and militia people calling themselves Sola
Dad Soldiers, and they're all hanging out and guarding her

(05:36):
house from the Feds. But they're starting to ah, that
would have been that would have been it, that would
have been it man Man, all right, it's fine. Yeah,
so uh yeah, they've cut off her power and uh yeah,
it's it's, it's it's it's a bad situation for Solo Dad. Uh.

(05:58):
She says, Oh that we a little bit of talk
about the some right wing media folks here. Um. Yeah,
even the occasional big media spread didn't seem to lift
her too much anymore. She felt like the whole game
was rigged. She was either hero or villain. She was
always the story, never Emilio and one. It was always
Chris Matthews on the nightly news calling her a trader

(06:20):
or Michael Savage calling her a freedom fighter. It was
always one or the other. Yeah, I imagine Chris Matthews
would declare he didn't call Cleman Bundy a trader. Chris
Matthews is he's getting confused, rampaging leftist Chris man is
Ben Shapiro suggesting that, like there needs to be more

(06:42):
nuance and how people are described. He calls so many
people pure evil every day. Yeah. Well, and she's saying,
you know, Solo Dad's angry Emilio and one, if you remember,
she had to lay off her best worker, and he
moved to Los Angeles, where his son was immediately killed
in a gang and instantly, Well, yeah, that's how it works. Yeah,

(07:07):
because Ben Shapiro understands the chunk of the city literally
thirty to forty five minutes away from where he lives
now and a half in traffic. Yeah, uh fucking great.
Right what you know? Right? What you know? The chunk
of the city you live in that you have never
ever in your entire life visited, because it scares you

(07:27):
very much to think about, right, Like, right, what you know? Okay, Well,
I don't know any black people's names, so I can't
name this second. So I'm just gonna say that no
one knows his name, right, what you know? Not being
able to call the black people in my life by
their names because I never bother to learn them. I

(07:47):
know that I will write about that fucking bit awesome.
So uh, Sola, dads, you know, in the standoff with
the government and every day like the kind of militia
that's that's arrayed to defend her appeals away a little bit,
you know, because people can't can't hang out all the
time but the SWAT team stays there, and eventually, as
things start to dwindle, she gets a knock on the

(08:09):
door in the early morning and a quote. A SWAT
officer stood there, his gun down by his side. When
she opened the screen door, he sidled in without permission,
holding his right arm out palm facing her, signaling for
her to keep quiet. He shut the door stealthily behind him.
I love yeah, because SWAT teams there, they they got

(08:32):
all that stealth door closing training, like unreal, like just
from like the reality of it, like okay, no, no
he didn't. But also, like, what a poorly written sentence.
It's terrible. It's a terrible sentence. Yeah, it's it's yeah,
yeah it was this grader, I would say, what a

(08:55):
precocious tenth grader. You know it needs someone to sit
down with him and tell him how to write. Well,
but he's got he's got the he's got the spunk.
You know, he's got he's got he's got gotten it
down on the pages. Half the battle. The other half
of the battle was knowing when not to publish something.
Still fighting that battle every day, Ben Ben's lost that

(09:18):
battle for a while. Um, are you dying what he's
there for. Well, he puts his He places his weapon
gently on the dining room table. When he took off
his helmet, she noticed his bright blue eyes. They stood
out more because they were They stood out more because
they were red rimmed. Whether from lack of sleep or

(09:40):
from crying, she couldn't tell. The man stood no more
than five ft ten, well built Caucasian, A thatch of
must brown hair, stood neatly on end. He moved forward
quickly and grabbed her by the arm. She could feel
his powerful grip through her thick row. Why would you
do that? That's a weird Okay, you need to get
out of here. He growled. Now, he growled quietly. He

(10:05):
growled quietly and gently, like a bear. She pushed his
hand off her arm. She pushed his hand off her arm.
Stood up to her full five ft two. Ben is
just obsessed with people's heights. I'm not going anywhere. Wait
wait did he wait? Did he just say five ft two?
He should did? Wait? Wait that was who cares what

(10:29):
I thought it was? And he's five ft ten she's
five ft two. Okay, so we know that there's like
a sizeable difference between them. That's why it's important, Like
she's been a character in this book already, like this,
like after multiple appearances. By the way, she's five too.

(10:50):
What a bad writer, What a bad writer. So she's like,
I'm not gonna go anywhere. Uh, And he's like, I
don't think you understand, Mr Meirez. They're coming for you tonight.
So this is the this is the good SWAT team guy,
the decent, decent cop who's like, I've got a warner there.
The Feds are coming in to murder this um, this
brave patriot. Um. She looked at the SWAT member, puzzled,

(11:13):
Why are you helping me? My cookies can't be that good,
he laughed softly. Maybe they are a pause, or maybe
I'm just sick of watching people get pushed around. Whatever
it is you need to get out of here tonight.
You know, I thought that was masterful. Um. So we

(11:36):
learned his name is Aidan Foster. Um. What a um?
And she tells she she tells, Aidan, you ready to
be a trader? Aidan? He shrugged. She walked over to
one of the cabinets, opened it, took out a jar.
Well we might as well split a cookie on that.
Goddamn god. Beer so much. Uh, such bad writing. Um, unbelievable, unbelievable, unbelievable.

(12:12):
Oh God, damn it, Ben, Um, It's yeah, so okay,
they they do they do the cookie bit for a
little bit, like real interactions, like human beings do. Oh Jesus,
so they're they're they're attempted escape seems like a horrible idea.

(12:34):
Immediately she loads some stuff up in a backpack and
and heads out with this swat team guy and one
of his team members like sees that they're doing this. Uh,
and so Aidan throws a smoke grenade and then starts
firing wildly is how Ben describes it. Too high to
hit anyone. Uh. He heard at least two men curson

(12:55):
scatter in the distance. He could see the lights of
the choppers flash on. He dropped. By the way, we've
just switched to Aidan Foster's viewpoint from uh sol it
adds view point because Ben does that in the middle
of chapters that are supposed to be viewpoint chapters from characters,
because he's a good writer. Does he okay, my gosh, okay,
does he at least at least is it like there's

(13:17):
a page break and some asterisks. No, it's really jarring
and weird, and like the next paragraph is just now
we're in Aiden's point of view. Yeah, yeah, that's see,
that's that's that's how it feels. Uh yeah, that's definitely
how it feels because we can't be it's an action
time right there, having a gunfight, and we can't we
can't be in a woman's perspective during a gunfight. Yeah,

(13:39):
so that's so awkward and weird something that he made
me maybe didn't even notice he was doing, probably for
the exact reason that you just said, like his subconscious
kicks in and he immediately changes the perspective. Right, Well,
surely she can't describe it. Yeah, it's it's okay. I
hope I find it well. I guess I find a

(13:59):
disappointing that when he said that he was shooting too
high for it to hit anything, that he didn't say
how many feet and inches? Uh it was yeah, yeah, no,
of course not Um that that would have been well,
that would have been good to know. Um, we always
need to know that's higher than everybody. Come on, Uh,
it is cool that one of Solida or yeah, somebody

(14:23):
yells at the cops go to hell you fascist assholes.
That's fun. Um yeah, so big, you know. And now
now a fight starts with her militia and all the
cops uh and Aidan Foster uh tries to get her,
you know, tells her, Mam, I recommend we get out
of here is sniper bullets zing around them. We get
another moment where we learn again, yet again, that Ben

(14:45):
does not understand anything about firearms. Um, because he refers
to the rounds being shot at them as heavy caliber
seven point six to millimeter rounds, which I assume means
he's referring to like seven six two by fifty one
nato uh, which is essentially three oh eight which is
a sizeable bullet, but it is also legally a handgun round. Um.

(15:07):
That's fun. Um. Yeah, what an idiot. And yeah, I
was gonna say, I was gonna say that, but yeah,
it's it's silly, it's it's just it's well. He's also
the guy who whenever guns are brought up, like libs
don't understand guns. They don't even know what they mean
when they talk about like well, Ben, it's not a

(15:28):
heavy caliber, it's it's an it's a normal caliber. It's
like a full sized rifle caliber. But it's it's anyway, whatever,
fucking I'm splitting hairs now. But I know it matters
to Ben that he'd be seen as understanding guns. It
matters to him that you know that he's wrong about this. Yes, yes, yes,
I did. It does so okay? Uh yeah, yeah. Do

(15:50):
you have a plan, shielded Foster about the ear splitting
wine of the bullets? Hell no, he said, but I'll
bet they do. In the distance, the cavalry was coming Sola,
dead soldiers least a dunn's dozen bearded gun toting men
on their steel horses, riding directly towards the swat lines.
She could see it in the distance. Pick, it's hog charge,

(16:10):
comparing them the Confederate cavalry. That's goods. Yeah, the good
guys here. Um My hand's gonna explode. Oh boy, formed
up and turned to face them. Guns at the ready,
which is when the chopper began to groan. It's sputtered, crackled,

(16:31):
and then dropped to the ground right at the swat lines.
It's spiraled out of controls. I don't know, because Ben
is a terrible fucking writers. Yeah, it's it's sure does nervous, Yeah,
it kills all the SWAT guys. They're crying for their mothers.

(16:52):
Ben writes that in SoLIT ads horrified as they burned
to death. What w they get out of there? Because
the chopper randomly falls out of the sky and kills
all the Swat No, no, it turns out I think.
I think what happens is Aidan Foster, the SWAT team
member who just couldn't see her get killed, shot the

(17:12):
helicopter out of the air. Still men wait, So he switches.
He switches the narrative to talk from Aiden's point of view,
but cannot describe Aiden doing that to the helicopter. No,
of course, not just no, we're left too. We're left

(17:34):
to piece that together after it gets shot out of
the sky. And if he didn't do that, and if
we were, if it was so Dad describing the thing,
it would make sense that she doesn't know what's happening.
Oh no, the helicopter. And then she looks back and
she sees him with you know, smoke curling out of
the barrel of his rifle and tears in his eyes,
you know. But no, because Ben is again very bad

(17:56):
at writing, well, I think what's clear to me, I probably,
I'm probably, I'm sure I've I've said this At other times,
he's just so clearly writing something that he wants to
have made into a movie, Like I'm not even thinking
about this as a book. He's like, Oh, this will
look tight. Yeah, And there's no The hardest thing when

(18:18):
you're when you're writing fiction like this is maintaining an
understanding of space, of geography, of where things are and
and making it clear to the reader where things are,
especially in an action scene like that. It's hard to
do um and Ben doesn't even really try, Like we
have no idea as these bikers are rushing towards these

(18:40):
swat lines, we have no clear idea where the swat
lines are, what they look like, you know, are there fortifications?
What direction are these guys coming from? Where were they
before that allows them to be like charging at the
swat team? Like none, no attempt is made to make
that clear, just like no attempt is made to let
us know what has actually happened to the licopter because

(19:01):
Ben is a terrible writer. Yeah, or why nobody knows
that kid's name? Yeah yeah, yeah, it's all like it's
all like weird, Like his idea of what tropes are
like a lot of they're not even like tropes necessarily.
He's like, oh, and then he says, like they do
like a cookie bit rightecause people do the cookie stuff
is Yeah, I do want to see this movie though, yep, yep,

(19:24):
uh so yeah, Aidan Foster bodily picked her up and
put her on a motorcycle behind one of the militiamen.
She clung to his leather jacket as he twisted again.
Wait a minute, where do you get a guy? What? What? Yeah? Okay,
So basically what happens is a gun there's a gunfight
going on now. A bunch of the Swat guys are dead,
and now the militiamen are having a gunfight with the

(19:47):
surviving Swat guys, and Aidan Foster, you know it, puts
her on the puts her on the back of a
motorcycle to be spirited away to safety. And just to
give you an idea of how badly his paragraph is written,
we start first sentence the paragraph. Foster bodily picked her
up and put her on a motorcycle behind one of
the militiamen. She clung to his leather jacket as he
twisted the throttle and peeled out, spinning it like, oh,

(20:11):
so it's a militia man's leather jacket, but it's a
militia man who is the second he in this after
we started really sentence, Oh that was so uncle even Yeah,
because he's a bad writer, he's terrible, terrible writer. Oh
when you said bodily, is it bodily like b O

(20:31):
d I l y, or like bodily? Is that even
a word like b O d I l y? Yeah? Yeah,
he bodily picked her up? As if there's another way
to pick someone up? How how else wouldn't you pick
someone up? But bodily? Like the words you're using, could
you could you pick Maybe you just picked them up

(20:52):
by the ankle and lift their whole body, but just
by the ankle, and so then you're anklely picking them up?
I don't know, Um, hands bodily pick up against gravity?
Will God damn it, Ben Shapiro, you are horrible at
the thing that clearly matters more to you than anything else. Yeah,

(21:18):
good god. Um. Yeah, so the last paragraph of this
terrible chapter, Um, don't look back, so Dad whispered to herself,
don't look back. But she did just long enough to
see in the distance. Some of the flaming men go out,
leaving nothing but smoking chars of flesh. Horrible sentence. Horrible sentence.

(21:38):
But she did comma just long enough to see Comma
in the distance, Comma. Some of the flaming men go out, Comma,
leaving nothing but smoking chars of you made did not?
That is how Been? That is Been Shapiro constructing a sentence.

(21:58):
I don't think he has He's only like he He
writes sentences as if he's only heard of grammar by
it being like described to him by a witch doctor
around a fucking fire like it's He obviously doesn't have
an editor liked, and sentences are like three words long,

(22:20):
and they're all these periods. Hey, do you want to
know who does have have an editor? This podcast? And
it's time to do an ad break. We're back every
time we um. Every time we do one of these
Been Shapiro episodes, I'm nervous at the start that I'll

(22:41):
just be like reading you guys a chapter and nothing
entertaining will happen. And every time I am immediately reminded, no,
Ben is just bad enough that this will never not
be fun to do. Oh, absolutely there's always some sort
of a treasure buried in here, not even buried, just
sitting on the surface surface, just like it's like you're

(23:03):
trying to clean a pool with one of those little scoopers,
but it's just like, oh, this's gold everywhere. So our
next chapter of everyone's going to be excited about this.
We're back with leve On, our our our gang leader
who's friends with obviously an Al Sharpton insertion, and who,
if you'll remember last time, paid a black child to

(23:25):
get murdered by a cop because that's the only way
such a situation occurs. Um, good God. Just like the
nature of his racism is so much more offensive to me,

(23:45):
And obviously I'm a white guy, but it's so much
more offensive to me than like an actual straight up
clans member, because at least that guy really knows he's
a racist, whereas been Shapiro is certain that he is
doing the opposite of racism while being shockingly racist. So
it's so fascinating and frustrating to watch every sentence. It's like,

(24:08):
how do you not, I mean, you know at some
level he knows. Yeah, Levan felt the air around him
crackle with energy. It was something he had felt before
just before a fight. The switch that went off in
the brain that notched the senses higher and made them
more sensitive. Been making a number of things clear. Sorry,

(24:29):
senses and sensitive can't be right there in the sentence
the show he said before twice within like five words,
he absolutely did. It's a terrible sentence and also clear
evidence that Been has never in his life been in
a fight. Um yeah, oh god. Okay. So here, the
switch that went off on the brain that notched the
senses higher, made the more sensitive. Next sentence, the adrenaline

(24:53):
flowing through the veins. That's the whole sentence, the adrenaline. Uh,
it's just it's just the narrator in fight club doing
his little like half sentences because like that's the style
we're doing. Yeah, the feeling that you'd burst from the

(25:17):
inside out if the fight didn't commence, and right quick,
making it sound very animalistic, isn't he? A? Yeah? Oh
my god, everything yea god, damn it everything. He can't

(25:43):
do anything. It's just remarkable. Yeah, what the funk? Okay,
So this felt like those fights multiplied exponentially. That's because
Levan knew he wasn't alone. It wasn't multiplied exponentially. There's
so there's it's so dense, like there's so many layers

(26:04):
of this don't part every single like five word phrase. God,
but by God, we have to. We just have That's
because Levan knew that he wasn't alone this time. It
wasn't him taking on some gang rival or him debating
some white publican club sucker at the U. Yeah, this

(26:27):
is going to be flames and blood and struggle in power.
This was going to be death and mayhem and hope
and glory. This was going to be fucking big. All
Levan needed was the queue. He discussed the queue ahead
of time with the Reverend. It would come on television
during a press conference Big Jim planned to hold with
the mayor. In the aftermath of the Kendrick Malone killing,
the killing of another it's bad, it's real bad. Yeah,

(26:53):
the killing of another young, innocent black man at the
hands of the racist white establishment, the police targeting a kid,
an un armed kid, for God's sake, just because he
happened to be black and happened to be out at
night at the wrong time. The shooting had worked out
precisely according to the plan. One of his boys give
little Kindrick a twenty dollar bill to go and harass
the cop. Kindrick, of course, thought it was just a

(27:14):
piece of good, clean fun. Messing with white cops was
a rare joy, made you feel like more of a man.
And with all the big boys telling him how he'd
be a boss in the neighborhood if he baited the cop,
he'd been enthusiastic. He probably looked forward to coming home
and telling his buddies how he told that cracker ass
pig to go to hell. Stared right at him and
cursed him to his face, made the pig back down.

(27:37):
Kindrick knew he was supposed to go for his toy gun.
They told him it would be a joke, that the
cop wouldn't do anything, that the cop would pussy out.
Of course, leave On knew better. No cop could sit
still when somebody went for the waistband. Police procedure dictated
what happened next, which ben, you're almost you almost got
something there. He almost realized something there. He got a

(27:58):
little too close and then back away. Maybe a system
in which the only possible response to a child pulling
out a toy gun is murder has some problems. When
I hate about this is that he is not aware
of it. He's like getting so close and he just
he thinks is okay for our cop to pull out

(28:18):
their gun in this situation is essentially what he's saying,
like we're tricking the cops into pulling their guns. No,
they they did it. They did the thing that they
shouldn't do. No, it's just like the his that we
talked about the last time. I think, just like the
conspiracy aspect of this is just so bizarre and like

(28:39):
weirdly insulting. Like you could, yeah, a competent writer trying
to have something similar happen. You know, have a have
a have a black gang leader who attempts to use
this as the Q two spark an uprising. Um, you
could you could just have them try to make use
of a normal police killing. Judge, have it happened, Just

(28:59):
just have it thing happened that happened that hand, be
just a normal tragedy that then a person takes advantage of, right,
Like that's like that's being closer to like what how
Ben views everything anyway? So but why manufacture this weird
like everybody's been is such a bad writer that he

(29:20):
can't even effectively advance his own bullshit narratives because of
his incompetence, because like that's actually like an interest like
that would be baseline interesting in terms of like art
or like a novel, Like, wow, they're using this thing
to do this thing. I disagree with this, but like
this conflict there. Yeah, you could have like a like

(29:42):
a black Special Forces veteran turned gang leader who's like
has developed this deep hatred for the American Empire due
to having his friends die in the PTSD. He's accrued
and you know, he's he's trained in actually setting up
an insurgency, and then there's a murder by a police
officer of a black kid, and he uses it as
an opportunity to like you know, set something into motion

(30:02):
that will destroy this empire. And then you have an
interesting character and you have an interesting situation and you
can like you can actually have a story, right people
are engaged in like actually struggle with because like some
sort of like gray area and like the morality and
ethics in conflict with each other. But he's just like,
well what if, Like he's just gonna what IF's evil?

(30:25):
And he pays the people to die paid the boy
to die because a because an eight or nine year
old black boy living in the inner city, Uh, wouldn't
know that pulling a toy gun on a cop would
very easily lead to his death. Wouldn't know the thing
that literally every black boy in the entire nation knows

(30:48):
literally happened. Like didn't come out in like two sixteen. Yes,
yes it did, Cody like, it's oh my god, Yeah,
it's amazing. So and of course, because everything has to
be ridiculously contrived, Levon didn't just set up the boy
encountering the cop. He destroyed all of the other cameras

(31:10):
but one in the neighborhood that had the right angle
for the shot he wanted to have played on a
nightly tv UM one angle one tape, one million replays
on nightly news. The headline writers couldn't help themselves. Eight
year old unarmed black boy shot dead by white cop,
blared the free press. Murderer, screamed the headline on the

(31:31):
New York Daily News. O um Ben knows how headlines
is written. Well, the phrase one million replays on the
nightly news isn't a thing, you know, It's absolutely not
a thing. That's not how the nightly news replays on
nightly News is not. But I think what we're all

(31:53):
getting is that literally the only thing that Ben Shapiro
understands is being Ben Shapiro, a boy who was plucked
out by right wing billionaires to write nonsense on the
Internet when he was a child, um, and only understands
writing right wing nonsense for the Internet and getting paid
millions of dollars. Yes, yeah, right, it was. It's that

(32:14):
in the combination of wanting to be like a TV writer,
um and not doing that, and because he's bad at it,
He's bad at everything. I just thought of all of
his like super fan boys that have read his books
and they're like, have you reach a Piro's book? It's
so good people, I'm I don't. I don't think a

(32:36):
single person has had that experience. I don't even think's
been Shapiro fans could possibly enjoy this fucking book. Um,
it's it's so bad. Uh yeah so and then Robert
hastily read the words with his eyes and then parcularly ocularly. Uh.

(33:01):
CNN headlined the case the entire day and the next
one as well. Over on MSNBC, the talking heads could
barely conceal their excitement. On Fox News, a few anchors
urged caution, while others talked of the legacy of racist
policing across the country. Um, the President obviously has to
get involved in this, and he tells Americans the time

(33:22):
has come for a great racial conversation in this country.
Too many black boys have been murdered merely for the
color of their skin. This must end, um, which is
obviously a bad thing to do. Controversial. Yeah, um, well,
you know the President Obama doesn't know that the kid
was paid money to die. No, of course not. It's

(33:45):
not his fault. So yeah, lev On is now waiting
um outside the Colman, a young municipal center named after
the former mayor of the city, a man who had
been a racial pro in his own right. Don't don't
racial prowess? Are that on? Urine? That's it's written out.

(34:09):
That's how that's written in the fucking buck. Oh boy, howdy,
um good, good god. So Levin says, old Coleman is
going to make one more sacrifice in the name of
racial justice. Uh if all goes according to plan. Um, yeah, boy, howdy.

(34:29):
So they're in front of the spirit of the Spirit
of Detroit statue, which Levon describes as looking like a
constipated Nordic man um. Yeah, behind Levan stood a solid
three thousand of his fellow Detroit's, mostly young black men.
Levin had sent out his boys to round up the crowd,
and they'd had an easy time of it. After the

(34:50):
media coverage, facing the crowd protecting the statue and a
platform set up just before it stood about a hundred cops,
Levon noticed a particular lack of weapons. He smiled to himself, then,
really understands how cops work. The unarmed cops showing up
to this event. Yeah, yeah, I was just last night.
Two hundred people surrounded up, or not surrounded, hung out

(35:13):
outside of Portland Police Union headquarters. And yeah, they they
they had a ton of weapons and used them on us,
because that's what cops do. Yes, yeah, I like, I
don't know the first thing I thought when you said
reference calling his boys. I mean just Ben's never had
boys to call. He wishes a group of boys he

(35:38):
could call. He would love to, He would love to,
but unfortunately Ben Shapiro is incapable of doing anything but
writing garbage for the Internet. Ben's boys are Dennis Praeger,
that's who. That's who Ben's calling up. Yeah so uh yeah,
so leave on smiles when he notices how unarmed to

(36:00):
the cops are. There's media all over the place interviewing
the odd protester here. Yeah, the crowd's gonna beat up
a lot of people, including when he smiled. Did it
say he smiled quite happily, lipally lipwards? Yeah? Yeah. So

(36:22):
he says that a couple of reporters are getting caught
in the melee. Is just how it's going to have
to be. If they were too well behaved, the media
would dismiss them. A bit of blood got them hot
under the collar. A bit of blood made the story hot.
The way the media worked, the only way they pay
attention was if somebody did something extreme, then they defend
the action, blame it on the overwriting anger at an
unfair society. I have to diagram the sentence out you

(36:44):
lost me a little. I am reading a sentence to
you one. Sometimes it's like is this one? Is like?
The way the media worked, Comma, the only way they'd
pay attention was if somebody did something extreme, dash and
then they defend the action, Comma, blame it on overwriting
anger at an unfair society period. Okay, thank you for

(37:08):
doing that. Oh my god, that's a sentence. Thinking that's
a sentence. This is a real illuminating look into how
he views the current moment in time as an editor. Editor.
Oh my god, for this book to be like written

(37:29):
down and then sold in incredible. Um. Yeah. So Levin
had his men ringing the edges of the crowd, ready
to prevent any non approved persons from getting too close
to the media members. No footage of fools, he'd promised
the Reverend. Uh, and he intended to keep his word tonight.
Levin intended to be the face on the news. Already,
he'd done his best Malcolm X impression early Malcolm, not

(37:51):
that late stage. Islam means peace, pussy ship for the networks.
If we don't get what we want, he said, if
we don't get justice for Kendrick, the city is going
to burn. We've been burning silently for too long. Our
poverty burns beneath the surface. Our ignorance burns beneath the surface.
We've been left for dead in this city, just like
black boys have been left for dead all over this country.
And this country must pay a price if there is

(38:12):
no justice, Ben Shapiro, Yeah, sorry, yep, oh god, okay,
next sentence. So the last thing that Levan says, uh,
and we're just left to assume he's talking to the
media now because Ben doesn't actually make that here. But

(38:33):
but we we can put that together. Uh bye bye. Yeah. Yeah,
So that sentences and this country may must pay a
price if there is no justice. End of Levan sentence.
Next paragraph. The sexy blonde with the short skirts seemed
turned on at that point. First we're hearing of her
breathily blonde. What breathly? She asked, Oh, you're so bad

(39:06):
at writing, And what will justice look like? So he
threw in a line. That's just the next sentence, So
he threw in a line just for good measure, justice
will be done when people like you live in the
mud you've made for us. Only then can we lift
each other up. Her eyelashes flooded, fluttered. That ship was magic.
Leav On new he'd learned it at the university to

(39:27):
white co ed's majoring in journalism, where a cinch just
drag them off their civilized perch and let them experienced
life outside their self proclaimed white privilege. And they let
and they let you know that you'd be doing them
a favor. This is amazing. It's amazing. Yeah, it's it's
you can't even begin to unpack how bad that is.

(39:48):
The writing awful, what it says about him awful. Every
other sentence in this is so fascinating on sony levels,
and like I just want to give it to like, like,
is his wife read this? Like do people in his
life know like his his his wife didn't. She definitely didn't.

(40:10):
She's a doctor. She has things enough time. Yeah, exactly.
I think it's very clear that Ben's editor didn't have
time to read this stuff to do. We are the
first people to read this. So the mayor shows up
at the Nordic Man statue to to address the crowd.
Real quick, you're saying it's his part of the chapter, right,

(40:32):
it's not his chapter because it's his chapter. It's his chapter.
It is, okay, so it's not a bouncy thing. Who
knows that the next paragraph this is a Ben Shapiro book. Yeah,
so we meet the mayor. Mayor comes up here. He
got his job after the last guy went to jail
for being corrupt. Um. Yeah, yeah, now he raped his pipe,

(40:54):
tasty white forehead with a handkerchief. He adjusted his glasses.
He looked down at his notes. I his voice broke.
I have just met with area leaders as well as
civil rights leaders across the country. Why is the mayor
meeting with him across the anyway? Uh? And I can
say to all of you that our investigation will be
full and fair, and that justice will be done. What justice,
leave On shouted at the top of his lungs. The
shout rang out like a gun report and the cold

(41:16):
night air. Justice will be done, the mare continued. Officer
Ricky O'Sullivan has been suspended from duty pending a full investigation.
This deeply troubling incident has stirred the conscience of Americans
from border to border. But I promise you justice will
not rest until the tragedy of Kindrick Malone. What Justice?
What justice? Lev On was chanting now at the top
of his lungs. A few scattered voices joined in. Mayor

(41:39):
Burns momentarily flustered, clutched at the pages of his prepared remarks.
The voices grew pounding, angry, steady, What justice, What justice?
What justice? Trying to be heard over the chant also
terrible chant, trying to be heard over the chant, The
mayor continued. Now Reverend Crawford began nodding softly, until the
tragedy of Kindrick Malone has answered. For with truth, we

(41:59):
must cover all the facts. Burns suddenly stumbled backwards as
a rock struck him in the scalp, almost in slow motion,
his arm. Yes, scalp was a weird choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
in a scalp, and almost in slow motion, his arms
stretched for air, circling in a nearly comic pinwheel. He

(42:20):
teetered on his heels for a few things, almost a
number of things. Yeah. So he falls, um and Ben
lets us know that he has a large butt, h
and he falls on it. Um. And then yeah, a
bunch of people. The whole crowd starts throwing ship Molotov
cocktails start being tossed. Uh, sail over the smash into

(42:41):
the statue and get on the cops. People get lit
on fire, the cops shoot tear gas everywhere. Um. Yeah,
now we have a big, old, big old riot. This
is not the first time he's described people being burned alive. Yeah, people,
a bunch of burning alive. At the end of that,

(43:03):
that's the most violent thing because he hasn't ever seen violence. Like,
he's like, it's gotta go, it's gotta go wild. Yeah.
Uh so yeah, things start to go crazy, random gunshots
in the crowd, media members jabbering madly into their microphones,
ducking playing war correspondent, and then Reverend Jim Crawford standing

(43:25):
tall and proud and his immaculately tailored suits. So the
fucking al Sharpton guy gets up and yells at everybody
to stop, and the street, the whole street goes quiet,
and the riot stops. Uh. And that's apparently the moment
that lev On engineered was starting a riot that would
then be stopped instantly by this reverend because everybody at
the riot new to take this one man's queue to

(43:46):
stop rioting when they started rioting, because that's the way
riots were been, has been to riots. Guys. He understands
crowd psychology. He went to college. He did go to
a college. He did at hand. You know who else
went to college? Yeah, the products and services that support

(44:09):
this podcast. We are we are back. We have returned. Um,
oh good god, we have returned. Uh returnally they have
come back. We're in Tehran, Iran, America has fallen. The

(44:34):
transformation from Dar Alhab to darl Islam has begun. Mohammed
watched transfixed already, Sorry, go ahead. He brought him a
Shami's eyes glowed brightly, as they always did when he
was excited. What it's literally just describing him for a yellow,

(44:57):
snaky eyes. It was a your quality that attracted many
of his followers. They saw in that glow of fiery hope,
warm and consuming hope for a better world. The teacher,
they said, brought hope. That's good, Ben, he brought hope.
They brought a fiery hope. The teacher brought hope. Thank
you for telling us that three times a different yet

(45:18):
you were repeating yourself. No, no, no. They saw in
that glow of fiery hope, warm and consuming new sentence,
hope for a new world, new sentence. The teacher, they said,
brought hope. Oh oh that that last one. Really maybe
it's bad, you know, He's probably like, this is good,

(45:38):
this is good. You you inserted as many hopes as
possible you have to. Really, that's good writing. Really, people
love it when you when you repeat the same very
basic point repeat three times in the space of two sentences.
That second one wasn't like egregious, like okay, you're like
being repentitive and it's not great, but it's not like, well,

(46:00):
you know, be a scholar of literature, and I think
you know he's a big fan. You all know that
that that famous Ernest Hemingway, uh short story for sale,
baby shoes never worn because the baby's dead. The baby
didn't get a chance to wear the shoes. The baby
never wore the shoes that were bought for it. That
that one the perfect the perfect story. Uh. I don't know,

(46:29):
talking too much or whatever. Okay, so here's I assume.
I assume this is the teacher talking. Ben just jumps
right into the quotations and we're kind of left to
figure out that it's the teacher talking. But he didn't
say the teacher anyway, it's bad writing again. Today's attack

(46:49):
is ensured that the crippled and weakened infidel giant that
was the United States will never rise again. That's one sentence.
The imptinus and degradation of that perverse country has been
wiped away, and the glorious reign of Allah has begun.
Another sentence, Those that rejected allaw followed vanities, and allaw
has destroyed them. Today America has seen that those who
reject Allah and hinder men from the path of a

(47:11):
law their deeds will allaw render astray. God damn it.
Bit that's a sentence. Today, Comma America has seen that
those who reject Allah and hinder men from the path
of a law dash their deeds, will Allah render a
straight That's a sentence. Been, sentence is not a sentence?

(47:32):
Unreal m Um, What do these fucking people have to
do with this? Hey, Ben, here's the thing that you
might do as a writer writing about, you know, in
Islamic extremist emir preaching. Listen to a single speech by
one of these guys of which there are thousands on
the Internet to understand how they actually talk, or just

(47:54):
or just take from one of them, take from just
literally altermate a little bit. So times that like writers
can do that, Ben, But no, he's got a pretty
good handle on how Islamic extremists talk. Okay, So yeah,
this goes on for a little while. Uh oh my god.

(48:15):
A drop of sweat rolled down a Shami's craggy face
and embedded itself in his scraggly beard. Shami had lost
weight in his three years in the mountains of Tora Bora,
but he was finally putting it back on now that
he was ensconced in his complex in Tehran. The government
had granted it to him out of gratitude for his
prior efforts against the Great Satan, with a yearly stipend
that enabled him to live comfortably, which is funny because

(48:38):
of the whole Iran was fighting against Islamic anyway, whatever, whatever, whatever,
the actual history of Iran and Afghanistan does not matter
at all because Ben doesn't know it. Um. There are
so many things that have been offensive in these few
brief chapters, and this is just so offensive to be
writing about something that he knows nothing, not a single

(49:01):
solitary goddamn thing about it. Yeah, no, no funny jokes here,
just well yeah yeah, yeah, so uh yeah, the the
he does some he does some evil Muslim talking and well,
actually no, we're just we just continue to describe, uh,
his his fucking room and ship. And it's it's bad.

(49:25):
I just can't stand the the adjectives. I can't know.
They're horrible. They're horrible, like the watery sweat dripped down
his craggy face, and it was scraggly beard in his
pointed chin. Just like just whatever, it doesn't matter who cares, Yeah,
pointed at the camera Mohammed, his youngest recruit, an attractive

(49:49):
boy of seventeen, struggling to grow with scraggly beard. Only
wave then knows how to describe a Muslim beard. Have
you seen any of these guys? They're not scraggly beards.
They have really fucking big beards. Bed it's kind of
the thing. It's, oh my god. Also like he really
wanted to grow scraggly beard, that's the goal. No, he's
a fucking little kid. He wants to grow a beard

(50:10):
any bear any and he's he's an Islamic extremist, which
means he wants one of those big, full beards that
they put like fucking orange dye in, because that's what
they fucking do. There's a million pictures of these guys
scraggly Is it something he would the kid would think?
It's what then thinks of their beards? Yeah, because because
a full beard is something been considers manly and is

(50:31):
probably angry that he cannot grow himself and so Islamic
extremists have to have scraggly beards like the ones that
ben gross. That's my that's it. Well, like I mean
is that it's a lot of it comes down to
that one tweet of his right are uh Israelis like
to build stuff, Arabs like to live in sewage and
bomb crap. He thinks they all live in dirt, so

(50:52):
they look like dirt and they have scraggly beards because
that means there they live in dirt beds. Right, these
bugget beards their premitive fire. Yeah, uh, it's it's amazing. Um. Okay,
So he's talks to Mohammed about how they're going to
the weapons we got from the infidels in Iraq will

(51:13):
be deployed, um, which I think is Saddam's weapons of
mass destruction, which you, if you remember, will emplay. So
these are um, these are Sunni extremists who were in
Afghanistan presumably with al Qaeda, and are now in Shia Iran,
which did, to be fair happen a few times, but
it was never a particularly comfortable arrangement for anybody involved. Um.

(51:35):
And they have are getting access to through kind of
an unclear providence, the weapons of mass destruction that Saddam
Hussein had spirited out of Iraq and into it was
either Iran or Syria. None of it makes any sense
to anyone who like has even the vaguest level of
understanding Middle Eastern politics. But this is what's happening. Um,

(51:58):
yeah Mohammed, Yeah, yeah. Also, if Iran is on board
with this sort of thing, they have chemical weapons, Like
you don't have to have, Saddam, but whatever you have
to have, Saddam have had the weapons, because then it
justifies the war in a rapt Yeah, Mohammed bit his
lip a Shami sad, I see that you are worried.

(52:20):
He said, do not fear, does not the current does not.
The Koran say those who have said our Lord is
a law and then remained on our right course, the
angels will descend upon them, saying, do not fear and
do not grieve, but receive good tidings of paradise. Not

(52:41):
a super relevant quote, ben, just like picking something. Yeah, yeah,
it's like it's like literally a quote saying like, yeah,
if you're on the right course, God will will make
you feel good about it. Um, But not a particularly
I don't know It's not the kind of thing that
you would quote to somebody in a moment like this.
I don't think I did. It just demonstrates him not

(53:02):
caring enough to do real research. So he googled a
single passage from the Koran that he felt like was
vaguely appropriate and threw it in there. Um so yeah,
uh do do do? The sound of the afternoon wasn't
wefted into the room. He took a deep breath and
then pulled us disposable cell phone and dialed. A man's
voice answered at the other end. He spoke with a
thick Russian accent. Yes, he said, yes, in a thick

(53:25):
Russian accent. Tomorrow, as Sham said, then hung up abruptly.
That's their conversation. He turned to Mohammed. Go Mohammed, and
Allah will go with you. As Mohammed left, a Shami
knelt on his prayer rug. When he got up, he
turned to the door and smiled. They're standing before him
was a large American man in a military uniform. He
wore a blindfold. Welcome, General Thorn. Yeah, we're well, no,

(53:55):
actually we're back to We're back to Mohammed because he's
sipping some classy cafe. Yeah, of course, I would like
to just point out just another tip to Ben. Um.
You didn't need to say he pulled out a disposable
cell phone. Um, And then the conversation you say he
pulled out a cell phone. You have the conversation happen.

(54:16):
And then you see him throw the cell phone away, yeah,
and crush it underfoot indicate to the reader maybe he
hands it yeah, yeah, he just Yeah, you could have it.
Even if you want this guy to be really cool,
you can just hold the phone out and an underly
nose to take it and destroy it immediately, because like

(54:36):
that's just the operation this guy has going. But yeah,
Ben's bad at writing. Um, so let's get to this
next part. Mohammed glanced nervously around cafe in the dairy
as he sipped his Nana t It was a classy
joint and everyone wore a suit. It was a business
cafe located in the lower level of a hotel. It
wasn't the kind of place that would kick up any
sort of fuss in a western city, but in Teo
Ron it was a rarity. Ben doesn't know a goddamn

(54:59):
thing about this part of the I've been to Iran.
I've been to places that are much poorer than Iran
in the Middle East, and they have a fun lit
of cafes like that. You know why, because it's a
huge fucking part of culture in the Middle East to
sit at cafes and drink motherfucking tea. It's an enormous thing.
They do it all the time. They have tons of them,
They're all over the place. But no, this is one

(55:20):
of the only nice cafes in Tehran, a city that
prides itself on its fucking tea. Anyway, fucking no, No,
I don't think you understand, Robert. Um, they live in
dirt there, they live in dirt. Yeah, they live in dirt.
And philth clearly yours, Robert. Maybe maybe the people with
the scraggly beards go to wherever you're talking about. But
this is a real fancy place. Yeah, it's the last

(55:43):
non Islamic cafe in the city. It brags about that,
the last non Islamic cafe in Tehran. Um, that's the
last one, the last one. Yeah, yeah, So yeah, they're
doing He's having some sort of meeting there. Um, some
guy named Andre I'm guessing that's the Russian um. It

(56:03):
also had the benefit of maintaining a solidly anti regime reputation.
Not a great thing. I I don't so like. What
do you what do you think Iran has been? Like?
Is it is it so oppressive that like this is
the only non Islamic cafe or is it open enough
that you can have a solidly anti ri like a
reputedly anti regime cafe exists in the city and it

(56:25):
be fine? Um? Yeah, intellectuals and writers hung out in
packs and talked treason. What do you think, goddamn it
be consistent about your wrongness about a place I don't like. Goddamn, Okay,
this is intellectuals and writers hung out in packs and

(56:48):
talk treason. For that reason, regime informers populated the place.
It was the last location Western intelligence agencies would watch.
The last location that we're going to watch. Is this
cafe filled with pull talking trees and against that's the
last place to watch? What do you how? God, everything
is so wrong about his conception of the fucking world

(57:12):
of just like reality and like how like not even
because it's not even like having specific knowledge about the region,
although that's clearly a problem. If wrong, if you say
this thing regardless of where it is, and then you
say this other thing. They contradict each other, and you
think the CIA like you think. Okay, So let's let's imagine.

(57:33):
Let's imagine in Ben's world, the undercover CIA operatives who
exist in Tehran talking about where they should spend their resources,
scoping out. Hey, there's this famous anti regime cafe, the
only non islamict cafe in the city. Lots of trees
and its intellectuals go there. Probably not worth our time,
right track, Yeah, that sounds like being spies. Just unimportant.

(58:02):
Just don't use the word reason two words after you
use the word treason. Yeah yeah, also bad um, God
damn it. Ben. So yeah, they're they're they're meeting this
cafe because nobody's nobody's going to suspect that the cafe
trees and his people gather is where terrorists will gather. Um. Yeah.

(58:23):
Mohammed had complete faith in a Shami. A Shami was
the man who had taught him the emptiness of secularism,
the beauty of belief. He was a master strategist who
had launched several substantial attacks on targets ranging from embassies
to hotels to restaurants in America, Europe and Israel. He
is with Allah and I am with him. Mohammed thought.
I also enjoy that it's like country, continent, country is

(58:45):
where this guy's attacks have been. We don't need to specify,
Like you don't say something like he was the master
strategist behind the Paris bombing of two thousand eleven, or
you know the nightclub attack in Spain that claimed thirty
one lives. We don't, because why would you like a writer? Yeah? Yeah,

(59:08):
so the kids kids waiting for this Russian. He's got
a satchel um Yeah, like what, it's got a shaving
kid that he bought just to avoid suspicion for some reason.
But he had also tossed it immediately. I don't know
why been is telling us all this. Um. Okay, so
he's got a bunch of money either. Yeah, this guy

(59:30):
is Russian guys late. They're having a trying to have
him meeting. But this Russian guys fucking late. Um oh god, Okay,
here we go. Had android been followed by the Americans,
had he been taking it out of play by the Israelis?
What if every minute he stayed here the Zionists were
drawing closer. He had heard the stories about the Jewish devils,
about how they had blown the heads off of nuclear
scientists with their head rest bombs, about how their computer

(59:52):
specialists had stifled the Iranian nuclear program. If they knew
what he was planning, the sons of pigs and monkeys
would surely take him out of play, using out of
play again twice in a paragraph too. That's fun, um
so to culturally sure? Absolutely? Um? Yeah, so okay, I

(01:00:13):
guess this guy comes in eventually. Uh do do do? Stupid?
The Russian? The first thing, The Russian says, he's surprised
because the Russian short uh. And the Russian says, you
expected Dolf Lundgren perhaps, And of course Mohammad doesn't know
who that is. Um. Also not really sure that a
lot of Russians know who don't He's not like, he's

(01:00:33):
not like a famous guy in Russia. I don't think,
but maybe I'm wrong on that one. I don't know
much about Russian culture. He's Swedish. H he played a
Russian in a movie, so so a Russian would use
Dolf as his immediate go to cultural touchstone for a
tall person when talking to in his Iranian. You're like

(01:00:56):
talking about Iraqi and you're like, oh, yeah, like the
villain from True Eyes or something like that would actually
work because they've all seen every American action movie. Fucking imaginable.
But yeah, um, bad example, bad example. He's Swedish. What
are you talking about? Yeah, I unreal, Uh yeah, nonsense,

(01:01:18):
it's not often I get to eat well in this country.
Oh boy. Yeah, so the Russian says, yeah, you can't
can't eat well in Iran, a country that famously has
no cuisine. Um, god, he is such a low opinions Yeah, yeah, okay,

(01:01:40):
So they go outside and he hailed a cab, you know,
a bunch of just bullshit stuff that Ben is trying
to make it seem like an exciting spy thing but
is actually incredibly boring. Oh and then the chapter ends
with nothing, uh, nothing happening, nothing happening other than this
guy giving him a suitcase. That's the whole thing. Gets

(01:02:00):
a suitcase from this Russian. That's the whole chapters. Yeah,
that's just the people. Yeah, no one burnt alive in
this chapter. What the unreal? So we have I'm very excited, guys.
We have just now entered having finished finished that chapter.

(01:02:21):
We have now entered part two collapse. Oh my goodness.
Oh yeah, wait a second, what wait a second? This
is we're entering part two. We we have just part
to Cody from like a storytelling perspective. Another word for that,

(01:02:41):
the term might be like act too. Yeah. So you're saying,
is act one ends with a briefcase being delivered? Yeah? Yeah,
and and that boy heading to the airport with the briefcase. Yeah,
that's a cliffhanger. And ran them insults about Iranian cuisine,

(01:03:02):
which is fantastic by the way, Um, anyone saying that
threshold into advantace deeply frustrating. Also, Part one is before
Part two is collapse. Great words to choose, Oh my god,
don't match at all. Two and a half episodes have

(01:03:23):
been us getting through before and now chapter one after
collapse is and you're all going to be excited for
this bread Hawthorne. Yeah yeah, we are we doing that today?
Or is that going to be next time? I feel
like we've got to if we've got the time, we've
got to roll through a little bit of a little

(01:03:45):
bit of a bread h Right. These are protagonists, um yeah,
and because Ben is such a good writer. He's been,
he's been like teasing. It's like, pretty soon we're gonna
get a second chapter with I. He'll bite the empty
magazine of his gun again tomorrow. The word hung in

(01:04:07):
the air for a moment, spoken in Arabic, not meant
for his ears. Brett was sure of that. Oh God,
all three separate sentences. He couldn't see a thing dash
The blindfold over his eyes prevented him from seeing the room.
But the next words confirmed Brett's worst fears. He recognized
the voice God, that's a bad sentence. But the next
words confirmed Breat's worst fears semicolon. He recognized the voice

(01:04:32):
fucking horrible. So it's bad. You mentioned they're like bring
the words, but it's the voice that's the thing that Yeah, God,
damn it. How can you be this bad at writing? Yeah,
you be this bad at writing. It's like literally bad.
Like it's not even like you read like sometimes you
read like, well that's mediocre, that's something special. This is

(01:04:54):
just bad. It's one thing. Like it's like it's one
thing to write a book, and it'd be like, oh, well, yeah,
you know. The story structure was kind of a mess.
The character development wasn't super fluid, Like you know, that's
just a thing. It's hard to write books. Anyone who's
going who tries, he's going to try to write fiction,
You're gonna have books where it's like, okay, yeah, you
know your character to revelment wasn't great, or like you know,
the pacing wasn't you know, it was off here, off here.

(01:05:15):
But like this is just the very basic technical facts
of how he writes sentences are so bad. Yeah, it's
like this bizarre like disjointed, like so like nothing matches up,
subjects don't match up, and like unclear, like it's it's
like vaguely clear, like what the intention is. But if

(01:05:36):
you take a second, like, well that doesn't make any sense.
If if if a junior, if I were teaching like
a creative writing class for junior high school kids and
someone turned this in, um I would I would have
a conversation. I would have to sit down with them
and talk about things. Right, I don't wanna say like
it's not like a it's not like a shame thing,
but it's like this is actually okay, we're gonna so
like there's some some structural things that need to be altered.

(01:05:59):
Here about if I were worried about like embarrassing the
students in front of the other students, I'd be like,
this is actually a good example of a sentence we
should look at and like, what is wrong with this sentence?
And you know, why isn't this doing the job this
sentence needs to do. Every sentence needs to do a job.
Let's look at why this one isn't functioning. And you
can kind of do that with every other sentence. You

(01:06:22):
can do that with every single sentence in this book. Yeah, welcome,
General Hawthorne, said Ibrahama Shami in a clipped accents clipccent.
But what is damn? Yeah, Bret's captors forced him to

(01:06:44):
his knees. He felt them hits God damnit sentence one.
Brett's captors forced him to his knees period sentence to
he felt them hits stone what his captors his? That
is oh man? Then he felt a sweaty hand remove

(01:07:04):
the blindfold. That was a sentence, And that was a sentence.
That's a sentence, a great sentence, but a functional sentence. Yeah,
before him stood the world's most well known terrorists since
Osama bin Laden period smiling. That's the next sentence after that,
it's just God. Then oh my God, put the puck down,

(01:07:29):
Like that's all I can think about when he does. Yeah,
I think if Chuck Palinuck listened to this episode like
he would, he would he would feel compelled to correct
some things in the world. But yeah, I hope you
weren't too mistreated on your journey here, a Shami said,

(01:07:49):
turning his back to him. We wouldn't want a famous
were hero victimized by how did you put it in
your interviews? Barbarians? Brett kept his mouth ship. He knew
how this would go, and he knew that the taunting
presaged something far more frightening. Instead of listening to a
Shami's monologue, Brett quietly scanned the room for tools, anything
he could use. He almost didn't notice when a Shami

(01:08:12):
turned back around thrust his face just inches from his own. God,
damn it, that's a bad sentence. He almost didn't notice
when a Shami turned back around, Comma, thrust his face
just inches from his own. Chee Christ Yeah, okay. Brett
could smell his breath the faint vestiges of Cello koresh

(01:08:33):
still on it. General Hawthorne a Shami said, I know
you and that you are a resourceful man. I also
know that your country is a paper tiger and that
your president is a weakling. Weaklings watches the world burns
around them, thinking they are safe because they have a
mirror and they are lost in the reflection. But the
fuck is that ship. That's fucking nonsense. His fucking nonsense.

(01:08:58):
Which one of you just snorted, Adora party, I think
I think this chapter might kill Cody. I don't know
that he's going to make it out of this, I
just said Katia text. I was like, I think this
is the happiest I've seen Cody and Robert in like
a mom. This is really cleansing my soul. A bit

(01:09:20):
hard to have a profound thought and articulated so much,
so great. This is why your country will lose. Finally,
Brett spoke, America doesn't lose. We just convinced ourselves not
to win. You will lose. We don't have to take
beheadings to frighten people into joining us. Quite a pair

(01:09:43):
a lot of things being expressed there. Ben, Oh my god,
A Shami, to Brett's surprise, laughed up roariously clapped his
hands into light. That was one sentence. A Shami to
Brett's surprise, A Shami kama. To Brett's surprise, Comma laughed uproariously.
Comma clapped his hands in delight. Period. Fucking hell. Oh

(01:10:05):
you Americans, you don't understand it all. You're delightfully out
of touch. I mean delightfully until you stop start dropping
incendiaries on our children. You spend your life's fat and
happy eating at McDonald's, imagining yourself superior because you have
clean shopping malls and manicured front lawns. Have you ever
been to a shopping mall in this part of the anyway?
But while you sleep, But while you sleep, while you

(01:10:28):
watch your reality television. Your children abandoned like you Americans
in your food and your your streets. You Americans have streets,
and we don't like Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, your children
abandon you. No matter how many patriot missiles she sinned
against us, YadA, YadA, YadA. You see, we offer something

(01:10:48):
you do, not a reason to die. We need not
frighten anyone. You do the frightening, because you see, people
are not frightened to die or to be killed. Down
deep down, deep they are afraid of dying without that
death meaning any thing. They are afraid that they will die,
and that a life of playing Xbox and watching your
American movies and eating your American food and worshiping themselves
will end in the ground and their lives forgotten. And

(01:11:10):
of course they are right. Their lives are meaningless, Brett scoffed,
and yours, I suppose, are meaningful. Slaughtering women and children.
A Shammi grabbed Brett by his face, squeezing his jaw
until it hurt. Brent Brett clenched his teeth and stared
into his eyes. Oh my god, Ben, Bret Brett clenched
his teeth, referring to Brett's teeth and stared into his

(01:11:33):
eyes referring to a Shammie. God damn it, bit, God damn.
Like it's sort of like it washes over you and
you're like, surely it'll makes sense fine, but like, ah,
we will do anything for a law. That is our
strength and your weakness. Brett whispered, there, you're wrong. You
don't know me, and you don't know my countrymen. We

(01:11:55):
live for something. We live to kill bastards like you. That, yeah,
that's what makes America great is murdering strangers in the desert. Yeah,
Ben gets it. I mean for some people. Yeah, I
guess it is. He's nailing it, like it's just amazing you.
He's like, yeah, this is the way it is, and
it's actually good. Actually yeah, because the guy, the bad guy,

(01:12:17):
is saying like you live for nothing, like by killing you,
we live for something. And Brett says that's not true.
We live for killing you, and that's like it so good.
Oh God, It's like like he he can't. He will
never be able to realize what he just did. In
the hands of like a minimally competent author, you could
have this be trying to say something where it's like, oh,

(01:12:38):
both of these men are the same kind of man
who feel and yet a mirror of paragraph earlier, like
you're you're already evoking this idea, but he doesn't even
know that he's doing it. Yeah, you have like things
are complicated. I want like a minimally competent writer, not
even a good writer, like just a writer who had

(01:13:00):
like a second thought, yeah, a single additional just like
and that thought would be like what if I wanted
to try to make this mildly interesting, just like the
bare minimum of an interesting scene. Oh God, I like it.
So the Shami sends General Hawthorne away, turns to his

(01:13:22):
goons and has him taken to a cell, and like
through crack in the window, Brett sees a tower, um
and it lets him know exactly where he is in
Tehran Um because of that dirty scene. Briefly, I recognized
the dirty tower from my dirty nap, the filthy, filthy tower,
the scumb tower. Come next to the dirty tower, mud street.

(01:13:45):
Goddamn it. Uh. They came for him in the middle
of the night, the better to keep him off balance.
He'd been trained for such techniques, but too long ago
to matter, and he'd awoken groggy, head pounding, nauseated by
the casual beating. Hand it out to him by one
of a Shami's Lackey's quite a sentence there, ben Um.

(01:14:05):
No marks to the face. Of course they're wanted. They
wanted their victims looking fresh and clean before they saw
it off their heads. But the big bearded kid had
worked his torso over pretty well and ground the bones
of his arm against one another to boot yusef. He'd
heard one of the others call Umn. He wouldn't forget
that anytime soon. Every time Yusef had bawled up his
fist and driven it into his mid section, Brett had again,

(01:14:27):
every time Yousef bawled up his fist, Yusef's fist and
driven it into his midsection, Brett's mid section, like God,
so frustrating us. Also like I love, like we we
make sure they're they're they're nice and clean to remind
us of what we hate. Yeah, Ben a man who's

(01:14:47):
clearly watched again a single video of one of these executions,
like uh, they'd taken his uniform from him, forced him
into an orange jumps suit, the unifor him of their victims.
When he'd gone to the bucket that served as a toilet,
he'd noticed his urine had turned red, like Ali, he
thought to himself after the thriller. But Ali had survived that.

(01:15:10):
Talking about fucking Mohammed Alie, I guess pissing blood. Okay,
I don't. It hasn't been established that Bret's a big
Muhammad Ali fan. I think that's just coming out of nowhere.
But okay, this is the literary device that's happening. Yeah,
because be's a literary Yeah, so uh, Brett's plans not
to survive. He'd formed a plan after seeing the Azadi Tower,

(01:15:31):
engaging the distance from it, realizing that uh, that map
that he got earlier had I don't know, So he's
I don't I don't really follow Ben's plan here. Um,
but it seems like, uh, he blinked a message to
the boys and intelligence when he did his video, and
he's hoping that uh Jesus Christ. Um, he hoped that

(01:15:53):
the boys and intelligence picked up on the message that
he'd be sending. So he's, oh, he's planning to as
he's being executed, blink out the core ordinance of where
the this terrorist's headquarters are in Tehran so that it
can be bombed. Yeah, based off I see the tower
where I am, I know where I am in relationship,

(01:16:13):
I memorized in my head what the geographical coordinance are
and I can now blink them. Yes, Yes, I love
I love stories. Yes. He just hoped that the boyson
intelligence picked up on the message he'd be sending, and
he prayed that the film editor or whatever cave dweller
familiar with windows movie makers using for this particular production

(01:16:35):
didn't chop up the film do badly. Fucking hell whatever
whatever fucking dirty MSPaint fucking like Oh god, uh so, yeah,
they joke, because the terrorists joke is that kick him away.
You all out of your hole and downloaded whatever stev

(01:17:01):
hell monster to edit this. Oh god. Um. So they
tell Brett that he's going to be in a movie now,
and Brett muttered, through gritted teeth, fuck you and your mother.
Yusef smiled. Brett smiled back. Also your goat, he added,
God damn it, ben Um. The door at the end

(01:17:21):
of the hallway swung open, waiting before a green flag
sat a sham me, his face bared normally in these videos,
Brett new the terrorists like to swatch their faces and
black scarves to prevent identification. For the jihad video of
a major American general, a shami wanted to take personal credit.
Yusef and his buddy deposited Brett next to a Shami
on his knees. General said a Shami, looking down at Brett,

(01:17:44):
I hope your accommodations were not too primitive. I must
say you look somewhat the worse for wear. No, said Brett,
glancing at Yusef. Nothing I couldn't handle ah. Ever, the
tough American, Well, the good news is that you're suffering
will not last much longer years either, bit, said Brett.
But I will not suffer a Shami said placidly. Remember

(01:18:05):
I serve a lot, and no matter what happens, he
will be with me. I only hope he's with all
the different pieces of you after we nail your ass
with the hell Fire missile. Any plans I don't know about, general,
Brett smiled back. Maybe maybe not. You'll find out soon enough.
They get down to the business of of of killing
Brett Hawth. Oh boy, testicles come up here. Let's see

(01:18:26):
what happening. UM, let me be perfectly clear. You will cooperate.
If you say anything we don't wish you to say,
I will personally cut off your testicles. If you do
anything we do not wish you to do, I will
cut off your testicles and then I will slash your
throat after letting you bleed. Yeah. Yeah, because this guy's
begin to cutting testicles off of people. Um, he could

(01:18:49):
have said it them like this is this is one
of those situations where like he could have used the
non specific and then the second time I cut them
off like simple stuff. So they film it and I
guess they're not killing him. Um. Yeah, so that's nice. Um.
They take him back to his cell. Uh. And so yeah,

(01:19:09):
he gets down on his knees. He does something he
hasn't done for years. He gets down on his knees
and praise Um Jesus, uh dear Lord. He whispered to
the darkness, thick with the stinch of feces and urine, oppressive,
with the smell of sweat. You know what he's saying. Yeah, yeah,
that's just breat Hawthorne has been shipping so much in itself.

(01:19:32):
Can't stand it. I love, I can't, Okay, yeah, so
it's good smell smell, the smell of ship and pisses overwhelming, absolutely,
But then what does he say at the second time,
that's even in there for a day by the way,
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I can't. I just
can't breathe with all my days worth of piss and ship.

(01:19:58):
But like then the second thing he says is the
impressive sweat. What you're worried about the sweat? You mentioned
the piss and the ship, but like, the sweat is
the thing that so Brett Hawthorne starts to pray. I
know I haven't spoken with you for a while, but
I need you now. I may never forgive you for
what you did to my Ellen while you took our

(01:20:20):
baby from us. They say you have a logic all
your own, and I reckon that's the case, since I
sure as hell can't understand you were the things you do.
I know I've tried to do the right thing as
I see it, and I haven't broken too many of
the lessons I learned in Sunday School. And you know
better than anybody that I've never been one for prayer.
I always thought that some people treat you like a
gumball machine, like if they pray just the right way

(01:20:40):
and say just the right things, that you'll give them
what they want. And then when when this whole world
is about something bigger than what any of us want,
it's about what you want. And I do hope that
I've done at least a few things the way you
want them. Really trying to get my head around this
here is like you're anoy do bad things. Also, it's
dumb when people pray to you about their own personal
off because clearly what matters is what you the guy

(01:21:02):
that I've just said, I don't understand why you're so
mean wants I don't know, but that's my issues with Christianity.
I mean again, it's just like he's just like typing
so he can, like I'll get to a profound thought. Surely. Yeah,
I'm just gonna say now, I'm not praying for myself.
I'm praying for Ellen because after all this, she's going
to be alone. Lord, and I just wanted to be happy.

(01:21:24):
You took her children away from her. Maybe I took
myself away from her, but however it worked out. Now
she'll be on her own. Please let her find someone else.
Please let her be happy for once in her life.
Please let my sweetheart go on with her life. Let
her understand what I've done and why I've done it.
Thank you Lord in advance. Amen. Brett closed his eyes
and dropped into an uneasy sleep. And that is the

(01:21:46):
end of the chapter. Thank God. Oh goddamn, so unpleasant, unbelievable, shocking,
goat prayer, bread, painful, painful prose. I don't think I've
ever been it put in such physical pain as a

(01:22:10):
result of the writing that somebody has that I have read. Yeah,
and briefly for a second there, I kid you not.
My brain went, Robert, why are you doing this to us?
That's the only reasonable feeling when you read been Shapiro's

(01:22:31):
work for even a moment. Oh it was fun though.
We had fun. We did. We had a good time.
And we've got so much more of this book left
to look forward to. Yeah, we're barely amount of it.
I can't wait to see what collapses. Yeah, part three,

(01:22:54):
maybe there's a part four even, you know, if we're lucky. Yeah,
I think we're gonna have to. I we're gonna have
to go through all this, this entire book. You're right
that we do have to. We're gonna have to go
through it, really, really go through this book. I'm going

(01:23:18):
to have to absorb more of it with my ears.
And I feel, I feel, I feel fundamentally changed. Is
a human being? Um, you know, I was. I was
feeling kind of broken down from all of the relentless
uh police violence. Uh. Getting maced in the face directly
last night wasn't super fun. Um it's been. It's been.

(01:23:41):
It's been tough, and I feel rejuvenated in a way
that I didn't know was possible. It looks like life
has been breathed back into you. That glow, that yellow
glow in your eye that you get only comes from
trying to diagram a sentence and figure out what the

(01:24:02):
fuck Bin Shapiro mid when he was writing it. So, uh,
do you guys want to plug your plug goobles? Yeah?
Check out our show together, Worst You Ever, and check
out and check out Cody and Katie's podcast Even More News.
Yeah on most Fridays, right right, Katie Fridays. Yep, that's

(01:24:22):
right Fridays, and our YouTube show comes out sometimes sometimes
it's called some More News. Um, we've got a Patreon Google.
Our names were on the internet Twitter wise, Patreon more
like Treon and that was really good. You can fight,
you can. You guys can follow Katie and Cody on

(01:24:44):
the Twitter and Instagram at Dark Dr Mr Cody and
at Katie Stoole. You can follow this podcast at Bastard's
Pod on Twitter and Instagram. You can follow Robert and
I Right, okay, we have a t public store where
we have new Uh what is it? What is the new?
The new the new merk? We are, Robert, what did
we get it to say? Oh, it's a it's a.
It's a face mask that says f d A guaranteed

(01:25:06):
to prevent all diseases. Um. So that is it is
a legal guarantee that the FDA will back um. And
if they don't, they can attack me in my mountaintop
compound with fire bombs from the sky and that's amazing.
You can also gets or whatever they sell website to

(01:25:29):
get the shirt and you go to like the grocery
store and someone like you can't come in here without
a mask, Like, we'll look at my fucking shirt. It's
FDA approved. Could I have this with? If it weren't
FDA approved? Note, they would raid the mountaintop compound of
whoever produced this and burn seventies something children to death
and his basically getting very Alex Jones. Um. Anyways, that's

(01:25:51):
the episode. That is the episode Your Hands E E