March 28, 2019 • 39 mins
In Part Two, Robert is joined again by David Bell to continue discussing Turkmenbashi, the craziest man to ever rule a country!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
M oh my god, Oh my god, the episode started
and I don't introduction, Dave, Dave, what do I do?
How do I introduce the episode? What is the show?
What are we doing? It's oh god, it's behind your
behind something the music? Yeah, this is behind the Music,
a show where we tell you everything you don't know
(00:20):
about the greatest pop hits of the nineteen nineties. Dave,
this is part nine of our series on All Star,
the hit smash Mouth song. Now, what do you think
they meant with the line get your game on, go play? Well?
I think it could mean a lot of things, Roberts.
So if you almost threw pop type setting me there,
(00:41):
Robert Evans is Behind the Bastards, of course, the show
where we tell you everything you don't know about the
very worst people in all of history. I am. I've
switched out in my bubbly for a doctor's via much
better drink. Can I get a little? Yeah? Can you
wait a port over the over the recording equipment into
your lacroix into my Oh hold on, I got a sweater,
(01:02):
you can I can mop that up with your sweater, Dave,
This is great. I think we're okay. Fine, it wasn't
on spell my drink clean up. We're okay, it's all right,
We're doing great. I don't know why people put us
in a room together. Sophie's really close to throwing those
(01:23):
pop darts. Great podcast content. I'm gonna the people in
their cars really enjoyed that. Daniel, our our audio engineer,
is uh not livid. This is the fourth set of
thumbs up he's given us, which is a good sign
we're on the right track. Sophie's punching her fist. I
guess let's talk about the dictator of minister. Let's let's
(01:45):
get back into it. So, as you might guess, nine
eleven was a very dangerous time to be both a
New Yorker and an ostensibly Muslim dictator in a country
anywhere near Afghanistan. Neither of those were safe things to be.
Even so, Niyazov made what was in retrospect the major
mistake in the nineteen nineties of engaging in substantial trade
(02:05):
deals with the Taliban, mainly so he could run pipelines
through their country. As soon as the towers fell, turkwen
Boshi reversed his stance on the Taliban and agreed to
let the Pentagon use his country as a gigantic airstrip
to prepare for the invasion of Afghanistan. Smart move. Now,
I even't kept up on the invasion of Afghanistan since
the early two thousand's, but I assume it went well. Yeah,
I think that work that wrapped. Yeah, it seems like
(02:27):
the kind of thing that would get handled pretty quickly.
I didn't get out. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I
love about our wars is the defined in points. Yeah,
that's the best part about how we do war in America.
So good at infection. Yeah, we're like we're like lost
the TV show of Countries. Yeah yeah, Yeah, you're done
to a couple of seasons and you're done. Tell quick
(02:48):
concise story. Now. Helping America bomb in neutral country has
always been a lucrative endeavor for the dictators who let
us do it. Uh. Turkwen Boshi benefited mightily for his
help during Clinton's time, Turkmenistan had barely rated six thousand
dollars a year in military aid. By two thousand three,
after giving the US access to Turkmen airspace and some
land rights at a top nineteen point two million. Yeah,
(03:11):
it's like a thirty something times increase. So smart decision,
letting us bomb other people from your country. It's an
easy fix. It's an easy fix. Now. President Bush was
happy to offer this dictatory security alliance, which Niazov used
to crush what little resistance remained to his reign. There
really wasn't much, though, and when Turkmen Boshi finally saw
(03:31):
a major unrest, it would come in the form of
one of his highest officials, Boris Shukmorrodov, at that time
the Turkmen ambassador to China, which is a really important
job in Turkmenistan because China is kind of like your
your big trading partner that area, like you pretty pretty
important to be in good terms with China. So this
guy is a high up official. His nightmare came to
life when his ambassador to China, Boris Shikmordov, resigned and
(03:55):
again denouncing his regime. He claimed that Turkmen Boshi had
ordered dissidence, tortured and executed, that he'd rigged elections, and
that he'd embezzled billions of dollars in government funds to
his personal bank account. No, Turkmen, yeah, he's not wrong.
He's not wrong, and Turkmen Boshi responded by accusing Boris
of embezzling tens millions of dollars, which is also probably
not wrong. Yeah, yeah, probably both in beszling. Oh yeah,
(04:16):
this is just everything's blowing up. Now. Everybody's pointing fingers.
It's like that gift of Spider Man pointing at Spider Man. Yeah,
that's what's happening here. Uh Now, Schikmurodov went to Europe
and became the international symbol of resistance to Niyazov's reign.
Nothing happened for a while, and no resistance rose up
from inside the country, but Chikmurrodov was sort of a
(04:36):
thorn in his side, like always going around, you know,
the world, talking about how terrible things were in Turkmenistan
and trying to get people. You know, this is the
period where the US is overthrowing a couple of dictators.
So he's trying to be like, overthrow this guy. Maybe
put me in charge, overthrow this guy. He's one of
those people. Seems like it. Uh he may have been.
And again this yeah, it just goes back to the
(04:58):
there's corruption. Yeah, I'll do it, It'll fix the corruption. Yeah, no,
don't don't have anyone ever be in charge of anything
because people are bad at being in charge of countries.
Have people be in charge of like makes sense for
a person to be in charge of a power plant,
makes sense for people to be in charge of a factory. Yeah,
(05:20):
people shouldn't be in charge of something like a country.
It never works out. It's it's bad of the time. Yeah,
I sorry, my radical politics infecting this history podcast. Burn
it all, burn nop. Just burn all the leaders down. Sure, yeah,
burn the leaders down. Use the ashes of their bodies
to grow potatoes. Yeah. I feel like if there's one
(05:43):
thing we need more of, its potatoes. It would be
like you could celebrant dictators. Oh my god, Dave, you
nailed it. I know I did. I felt that one
coming from my gut. It would be perfect. It's one
of those jokes that like shifts the fur moment of
the universe. It's so appropriate. Oh boy, I I tickles me.
(06:07):
We gotta go into the business. We gotta go into business.
I wonder where they buried Saddam. Who I mean? I
could find out. We could, and if we don't, we
could lie and say we did exactly because he's gonna know, Yeah,
exact perfect. Oh man, I even know some people we
could bribe in that. Anyway, Once turkmen Boshi had kind
of put the kibosh on this, essentially accused this guy
(06:29):
who had you know, risen up against him of being corrupt,
he sort of figured that was that was it for
a while, uh, and he went back to his favorite
pastime of being a lunatic. In August of two two,
at the annual session of the People's Council, turkmen Boshi
announced that he was renaming all of the months. I mean,
why not at this point? Why not? Why not renamed
(06:49):
the months? Yeah, January was renamed. Can you guess what
he called? He named January I assume after himself. Yeah,
you got it. January was turkmen Boshi. February was flat.
April was named after his mother, apparently because the month
April signifies growth in May was named after his favorite poet.
Now as a fellow writer, Dave. You know how creative
(07:10):
flow works. Once you're really focused and you're putting out
good work, you don't want to stop. Sometimes, you know,
even if you like finish the project, you just start
something else because you're like, well, I'm never im you know,
you're mare to get in this headspace, you really want
to take advantage of it. And I think Turkmen Boshi
got caught up in that headspace a little bit because
right after renaming all the months, he decided to rename
all the days of the week. Sure, yeah, yeah, you
(07:30):
got you gotta keep that going. You might as well. Now,
Monday was renamed Beginning Day, Tuesday was Young Day, should
have been Fun Day, should have been fun Day. Wednesday
was Good Day, Thursday was Blessed Day, Friday was Mother Day.
Saturday and Sunday we're sol in Recovery Day, respectively. Recovery
Day makes sense. Recovery Day, it makes especially since Saturday,
(07:52):
Soul Day was also the day that everyone in the
country was supposed to read his book, so you really
need some recovery after that out after no debate, the
parliament in the People's Council ratified all these changes to
the names of the days and months. This basic method
turkmen Boshi making a declaration and then changing suddenly huge
aspects of daily life in an instant, happened with increasing
(08:12):
regularity in the early two thousands. When Turkmenbashi learned that
the traffic police were extorting bribes from motorists. He fired
them all and replaced them with army recruits. Sure, sure,
that's gonna that's gonna work. As a bunch of new
new guys with guns directing traffic with training. I don't
see how that could work out badly. He also continued
(08:35):
to shower Turkmenistan with the blessings of his wisdom. Here's
the book inside Central Asia. Inspired by what he believed
to be a semi divine revelation, he decreed that the
life of a Turkmen consisted of nine stages of twelve
years each, starting with childhood and progressing through adolescence, youth, maturity,
what he called the prophetic stage, and then from age
sixty one to sixty two the inspirational stage, which just
(08:57):
happened to be his age at the time. Wisdom and
old age followed, ending with the ogas con stage at
age a hundred and nine. Ogus Khan was the legendary
founder of the Turkmen nation, like the Romulus. So he
divides life up in all these stages, ending it a
hundred nine. That's how long you're supposed to live. So
he's he's at this point he's now defining aging. Yeah,
(09:18):
I'm surprised he's not personally naming every citizen at this point.
He's pretty big line outside, I did run into a
bummer of a fact that's not related to him, but
it is related to culture in Turkmenistan. It's one of
those places where like people don't want to have too
many girls because there's a lot of social cash and
having too many boys, and so one of the most
common names for girls is literally the word enough jus
(09:42):
like if you've had too many girls, your girl enough
or like there's another one that's like translates like please
God stop. Yeah, it's pretty sucked up. That is fucked
up because it's like, you know, is that like they're
setting a reminder, like Okay, this is the last one
you're telling God, like we're done, we have enough girls cheese. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
(10:05):
but that one, that one's not on Turkmen Boshi. That's
just some uh culture needs to wake up a little
bit on women's issues. Maybe yeah, yeah, people people are
terrible and have been forever and are everywhere. Yeah. Now,
On the twenty five November, two attackers in three vehicles
ambushed President Niyazov's motorcade, firing on it with machine guns.
(10:25):
Several of his guards were wounded as they fought off
the attack. President Niyazov, inside his armored vehicle, reportedly did
not notice he had been attacked until he arrived at
the office later that day. Oh, I'm glad. I'm glad.
He's all right. You're glad. You were worried, I could say.
In the immediate wake of the attack, Turkmen Boshi declared
that the shooters were quote hired, given weapons and sent
to carry out the shooting. They got high and tried
(10:46):
to carry out their orders. Punishment will be brought to them,
but they are not the ones who bear the main responsibility.
You want to guess who bears the main responsibility. Isn't
that guy? It's that guy in a bunch of Turkmen
dissidents who all lived in foreign countries, none of whom
lived in the country. I mean, this is smart, he
thought of it. It's a good opportunity to pin the
blame well. And it may not have actually happened, okay,
(11:08):
I mean the shooting itself happened. He he didn't notice, apparently,
so it didn't happen for him. Yeah, yeah, and he
declared Boris chikmard Off to be behind it all. But
Radio Free Europe, which is just so there's a U. S.
Government funded organization the reports from inside non democratic countries
with no press freedom, but it is a government funded country.
So it's one of those things where like they're definitely
(11:29):
tolling the US government line, but they're also often have
good sources inside countries like Termenistan. But take it with
a grain of whatever you take at U. S. Government
funded journalism institute, you know. Uh. Anyway, Radio Free Europe
talked to all of the accused dissidents and also to
several other sources in the country, and they posited a
counter theory about what happened. Quote the former deputy Prime
(11:50):
Minister and National Bank had denied any role in the
attack and said the assassination attempt, which allegedly took places
Niazov was being driven to work, seemed strange. Nikazov has
two v hicles, a Mercedes and a jeep. Both have
double plate armor. These vehicles cannot be destroyed by machine
guns or even rocket propelled grenades. Think for a minute,
the alleged attackers let kniazof go by. Then they block
the road in front of the police following nas off.
(12:13):
If the plan had worked, it wouldn't have been for
eliminating niasof So basically, the allegations that he faked an
assassination at him a false. Yeah yeah, yeah, which yeah
maybe right. I mean he he was like, well, that's
a false exactly, And we all know that nine eleven
was an inside absolutely because jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.
(12:35):
I can't melt anything. You can't melt it's just jet fuel. Like,
that's why I use it for hair palmmade. You can
drink it. You can drink it, oh man, Yeah, that's
what most doctors say. A pint of jet fuel a
day keeps your insides from becoming steel beams. I mean
you certainly won't have any other worries medically after that,
after drinking your daily pie to your your problems are
(12:58):
all set. So if Niaza's goal was to use the
assassination attempt as an excuse to crush the tiny amount
of resistance that remained in his own country, it worked.
Chik Murodov turned himself in to stop his family from
being horribly tortured or at least horribly tortured anymore than
they'd already been horribly tortured. A few days later, he
showed up on State TV clearly drugged and admitted to
(13:20):
attempting to orchestrate a coup. He thanked me as off
for the mercy that he'd shown and not executed them all,
and also thanked the Great Leader for his compassionate, spiritual guidance.
That's a real bummer. That's a real bummer that's you're
watching on TV. Like, I think we got to get
out of this kind. I think we might need to
leave this country, he told State News. Quote among us
(13:41):
us being the conspirators is not one normal person. We
are all nobody's. I am not a person capable of
running a country. I am a criminal only able to
destroy it. Yeah, it's one of those things I don't
just like it's it's the third act, like the dark
moment before the hero is able to like beat the
dystopian leader, and I, yeah, I feel like it's not
(14:04):
gonna be the thing that happens. That's only a thing
that happens in movies. But it's just so overtly evil
moment it is, And like shik Muradov. It's one of
those things to raise to that position in the government
of Turkmenistan. He's probably pretty corrupt himself, but he also
seems to have been a lamently courageous guy and like,
obviously this dude needed to be. Like, I don't I
(14:25):
don't know if he would have been good or not
if like the dictator had been replaced. But I mean generally, yeah,
generally speaking, if they're like, let me take over, it's
probably not gonna It's just be the cycle beginning again
with a new face. That is what the odds say.
But yeah, I mean, he also did turn himself into
save his family, so maybe he was a decent person. Yeah,
(14:46):
I mean that's that's not an easy choice, I guess,
not because you know you're getting tortured. Yeah, but if
if you like your family, if you don't like your family,
and it's like him, Yeah, he's not a total sociopath,
because a total sociopath would not have turned him self. Yes, yeah,
so I don't know. I don't know. Chikmurodov, sorry that
you got sentenced to prison for the rest of your life.
(15:08):
On TV, Nikazov explained that he had shown mercy to
all of the conspirators because only Allah decides death. Wow,
I'm surprised he hasn't taken that up to that he
can decide death because he's a saying he's to sign
a lot of things, and he did. He did have
a lot of people executed. Okay, Yeah, he did have
a lot of people like Okay, he's just a liar.
(15:29):
He's definitely allowed. Okay. Uh. Now, next, Niazov clamped down
on civil liberties even more. He ordered the secret police
to monitor public conversations. He also asked citizens to report
anti national talk being turkmenbashi. He also did something insane
and banned anyone in the country from listening to the
radio while driving in their car. His reasoning was that
the noise would obscure subversive conversations from the eyes of
(15:52):
hidden police. It really seems like these are moments in
his life where he's like being driven around, here's the
radio and it's distracting. He's like, you know what, no
more radio for anybody. Fuck the radio. I hate the radio.
Now put it on the list. L adio radio movie theaters.
(16:13):
Make sure that puppet theater is still running. Who are
the people running the puppet theater. I want to know
about them. I bet they really need a cigarette or
they were like, they're probably very passionate about puppets, and
then he declared them they're like that was the time.
There's just one puppet loving man who was this is
(16:33):
the country I was born to be Yea, and they exist.
There are puppet loving people. There are puppetly Matt Stone
and Trade Parker. I hadn't. I hadn't been really successful here.
I had a neighbor who kept asking me to come
over and watch a puppet show. Yeah, it's like that,
that's that I know you're gonna get murdered. It was
I was living in this terrible apartment and this are weird.
(16:54):
Neighbor was like, look, I do puppet shows every week
if you guys want to come, and it was just like, no, no,
I don't want to die. I'm young. I feel like
the word no enters your mind as soon as the
word puppet show enters your ears. I did have one
roommate go and it's like I wasn't. He was like,
it was weird. It's what it's what it sounds like.
It's what it sounds like. Our neighbor's puppet show. Speaking
(17:19):
of puppet shows, I don't answer my seat. You know
what isn't a puppet? Busy bone dog treats the only
dog treats currently sitting on this table. Yeah, they look good.
You could probably eat them. I felt like this was
the time for an ad plug. I also feel like
(17:40):
the bones on the front of that kind of look
like tampons. There's even a string coming out of one
of them. Good god, they really do? Is that? Why
is there a string coming out of that? Okay? It
is an arrow? All right? That was an unnecessary digression,
speaking of unnecessary digressions. Actually, speaking of necessary say, it's
(18:00):
pretty necessary. You know what's necessary? A and we're back. Okay. So, uh,
when we last left off, Niazov had just banned the radio.
(18:22):
I mean, not the weirdest thing he's banned, Not the
weirdest thing he's been The next and last period of
Niyazov's life was a golden age for batty ass laws.
He required universities to test all applicants on their knowledge
of his dumb book, The Runama. He reorganized the justice
system so that prisoners could only be released when they'd
sworn an oath upon his book. In two thousand four,
he demanded that the Runama should be used in mosques
(18:44):
alongside the Koran. I'm not one for burning books for
ob yeah, but it feels like we need to get
rid of this book. I also, I mean, I guess
it's probably pretty clear to the listeners, but in case
you haven't had a lot of oriens with like Muslims
and Islam, I can't imagine anything more blasphemous than what
this guy's done. Oh yeah, that's pretty hardcore blasphemy. Now,
(19:12):
the National Mufti, the like Islamic religious leader for the
nation of Turkmenistan, objected to this random dude's book being
made a requirement alongside the Holy Book of the faith. Uh.
He was instantly arrested and a player to be a
part of the coup two years ago. Yeah, that sense
about right, retroactively inactively responsible for the coup now. During
(19:34):
a tour of small villages that same year two thousand four,
Niyazov was allegedly angered that none of the local libraries
had enough people in them. He ordered all rural libraries
across the country shut down. This may have been due
to the fact that turkinbosh, you described all writers who
were not himself. He considered it a personal insult that
anyone would want to read any book besides the Runama. Yeah,
(19:54):
that makes sense. Also, in two thousand four, he declared
July tenth a melon holiday. In April horse day. Nice, yeah,
we got a horse days day. He banned beards because
he was worried. Sure, sure, he was worried about Islamic
fundamentalists tiding amongst the populace. I think he saw that
(20:17):
eating super was like, no more beards. So this tired
assistants like, yeah, I got it, no more, no more beards,
all right, we'll put it out. Uh. He banned circuses. Uh,
hold on, hold on, you can't be pro puppet show
and anti circus, especially being pro horse and anti circus. Yeah, well,
(20:41):
I sort of get that. If you see a circus,
you're like, oh god, those poor horses. Okay, that actually
might make any sense, But like puppet shows and circuses,
it's all in the same ridiculous spectacle, like it's it's
it's all the same circle of like these are the
things that are used for entertainment in hell. Yeah, yeah,
like circuses, puppets. Yeah, it. So basically, anytime the president
(21:05):
expressed a mild dislike for something, it was essentially banned.
Now what he was not passing laws against these things.
He wasn't saying it's forbidden to have a beard. He
wasn't saying it's forbidden to do this, or that. He
would go on TV and basically express his dislike for
a certain thing, and then everybody would have to stop
doing it because it's a police state. So like, that's
the way this works. And a good example of how
(21:26):
it proceeded was Turkmenbashi's hatred of gold teeth fillings. Uh.
He denounced them in a speech, staying, quote, I watched
young dogs when I was young. They were given bones
to Now those who view whose teeth have fallen out
did not gnaw on bones. This is my advice. What
non on bones? Take out your gold teeth. Wait wait, yeah,
(21:52):
he didn't like gold teeth. He like expressed that he
didn't think they looked good, that natural teeth looked better,
and that people should not on bones if they want
their teeth to be healthy. Okay, so he's like against
just missing teeth in general, no gold teeth and specific. Okay,
so you can lose a tooth and you can get
like a like a replacement that looks like a normal tooth,
but not gold. So here's how. A Telegraph article that
(22:14):
interviewed several people in the country we had to get
their teeth replaced described what happened next. Quote in Turkmenistan
and he is off lifestyle tip is as good as law.
In a Pavlovian response to his remarks, which were broadcast
repeatedly on television, people rushed to swap their gold teeth
for porcelain. Miss Tollivia, a thirty two year old laboratory technician,
had been sent home from work because of her offending teeth.
As universities, government departments, and state run companies humored their
(22:37):
president for life. I have had gold teeth since I
was eighteen, Miss Tolivia said. It was my dowry from
my parents when I got married. Before, I was really
proud of my teeth. They showed me as a success.
But now I cannot work and have them. As her
husband hovered protectively, each crown, bloodied and flecked with pieces
of tissue, was carefully saved to be melted down later
by a jeweler. The couple he confided. We're not quite
sure what to do. Perhaps we have enough for a ring,
(22:59):
he pondered, or maybe ear rings until he bands those,
until he banns earrings and rings. Yeah, I love that
they call it lifestyle tips, like this is goop, Like
Paltrow's a dictator. It is kind of getting Gwenni Paltrow's
a dictator. This guy's like, you know what, cigarettes are
bad for me? Nobody gets to smoke. Cigarettes are out.
A cigarettes are out, so are gold teeth. She wants
(23:21):
some bones when it isn't Gwenna Paltrow's big into the
bone broth right. Probably, probably this is a dictatorship of
Gwyneth Paltrow. That's exactly what's going on in fucking Turkmenistan
right now. Well we're during Lily two. Yeah, So when
local meteorologists weren't correct about a forecast, uh Niazov fired
(23:41):
the head of the meteorology department and also banned TV
reporters from wearing makeup quote because it masked their natural
weedish color, making them look white and mask the difference
between the appearances of men and women. It really is
just every every little thing that bugs. He's just always
on TV. He has opinions about everything, and everyone's scared
(24:02):
to like they're not laws, but everyone's scared to not
to do something that the president doesn't like. But at
this point, it's it's almost like it's almost like he
has a like a show and he's just trying to
fill time. So he's like, all right, what do I
what do I not like what I pissed about today?
Make up like him anymore? Yeah, I don't even think
he's that passionate about this stuff at this point. He's
(24:23):
just trying to make content. Yeah. Yeah. Turkmen Boshi's commands
generally came during TV interviews. He would say something expressing opinion,
and suddenly it was the way things were. In one interview,
he ordered the Education Ministry to watch the hairstyles of students.
Young men should not be allowed to have long hair.
In addition to the beard band, all goates also had
to go, which is the first time I'm on, you
know what? All right, yeah, yeah, let's get rid of
(24:45):
those I mean, yeah, I'm getting to that age where
if I look at college students, I'm just like, change
all that, change all that stuff, get rid of all
of it. You know, when I think about what situations
might justify the deployment of like a fire hose against people.
It's every time I've walked past a frat house, just
just hose him out, empty that building, pressurized water. Yeah,
(25:08):
like because yeah, yeah, you just need to clean it.
You just need to clean it and the people inside it. Yeah,
it's that. Or if people are on fire, that's it. Yep,
there's the only two circumstances frat houses or burning it
to death. Now, as a cost cutting measure, Nia's off
fired fifteen thousand healthcare workers and replaced them with untrained
military recruits, figuring that what worked for traffic police would
(25:28):
work just as well for a nurse as and E.
M T s. Now did it work for traffic police?
Of course? What if the e empt is gonna do
whatever untrained nineteen year olds know how to do? Oh no,
who would think that he's old enough to know he
doesn't know a German doctor. He doesn't go to doctors
(25:50):
in turkmenister. Yeah. He also closed down all of the
hospitals outside of the capital, uh, saying that anybody who
had a medical emergency could just come to the capital. Yeah,
that's fair, that's fair. That's fair. In two thousand five,
Nazov opened a gigantic horse track near the capital, the
largest in Asia, because he'd gotten really in horses, solid solid.
(26:16):
That telegraph reporter was in town during the opening of
the racetrack, and his description of it is quite a
lot of fun. The attention to detail is remarkable. Along
the approach road, teenage conscript soldiers in khaki boiler suits,
robotically placed whitewashed stones, and small circles around the trunks
of newly planted fir trees. At the center, there are
swimming pools, therapy centers, and state of the art veterinary
facilities for the animals in our deg The president's stallion
(26:38):
is almost as prominent in Turkmenistan as his patron. Niyazov
is busy cultivating the myth that he is reviving an
ancient breed of horse. The alcohol tech A is his
personal claim to restoring national greatness. In fact, to criticize
the money lavished on the accoltech horses is to commit
the offense of parricide, defined in the National Criminal Code
as questioning the policy of the president. So don't get
(27:00):
angry at his horses or you'll go to prison. I
bet Gwyneth Paltrow likes horses too. I bet she would
do all of the things he's done. So key to
a great nation. Statues and horses. What else could it be? Dave? Yeah.
In addition to building a palatial racetrack, Turkmen Boshi ordered
hundreds of homes bulldozed in the capital so he could
build a series of massive, white marble apartment buildings he
(27:20):
designed himself. The buildings were never occupied because no one
in the city could afford them. The owners of the
homes previously on the land were again not compensated for
their loss. You know. Turkmen Boshi declared himself a landscape
artist next, and promised to create a force in the
desert that would last a thousand years and improved Turkmenistan's
brutal climate. To achieve this goal, he planted a massive
cyphress forest around a fake lake he had built in
(27:41):
the desert. How Well, Paul Threw visited shortly after the
forest was planted, and he observed that quote. Although Bashi's trees,
mostly a type of juniper, were two or three feet high,
wind planted, the forestation was not a success. Drip irrigation
had been rigged for them, but they were baked by
the sun and blown flat by the wind. A full
third had that peculiar rust red hue, the vivid color
of an evergreens death. He's just man, he's spinning out
(28:07):
of control. At this point, I'm gonna make a four,
make a forest now, motherfucker's He's great. Next, he built
an ice palace outside the capital. Is it in the desert? Yeah? Yeah,
so at this point he's just like, fuck reality. What
a nice palace. He built at ft tall pyramid. He
(28:28):
built the largest mosque in Asia, which he named the
Spirit of Turkmen Boshi himself a lot of stuff. By
the way, I feel like are things that Nicolas Cage
has done as well. Yeah, Like, I feel like the
ven diagram, like there's a large crossover between the two.
I feel like if Nicolas Cage built a mosque, it
would be less blasphemous than this. He would show more
(28:48):
respect for the religion. And of course, this gigantic mosque
was again festioned with quotes from the Koran and from
Turkmen Boshi's equally important book, The rook Namau. Turken Boshi
insisted that turk Men visit the Mosque as a regional
equivalent to the Hajj, which is, you know, the Muslim
requirement to go to Mecca if you possibly can. Okay, yeah, yeah,
(29:08):
he just he's put himself around that level. Yeah. This
is also around the time when he declared himself a
prophet of God. So man, well, he hadn't done that yet,
not officially. Okay, Yeah, you gotta make sure everybody knows.
You know, he had written a book to claring himself
God's son, but you gotta make it clear, you know
that you're a prophet of God. In two thousand six,
when New Yorker writer Paul Thuroe visited Turkmenistan, the people
(29:31):
of the country had just spontaneously declared their leader the
National Profit. So sorry, that's how it went. Mixed up
my notes there for a second. So in two thousand
and six, the Turkmenistan people declared their leader the National Profit,
did they? Yeah? I mean, of course they did, Dave,
like the they love them, they love them. The president
for life of Turkmenistan would not lie about the people
(29:52):
of Turkmenistan declaring him the national Profit. Yeah. Now, in
Paul Throw's trip through the country. He saw portraits of
the leader everywhere quote several of them, measuring hundreds of
square feet everywhere in Ashgabat and some he looked like
a fat and grinning Dean Martin and others he was
the truculent CEO with a chilly smile. A common image
showed him chin on hand, squinting an insincere bonhamie, like
a lounge singer, a heavy drinker, a bully, and aware
(30:14):
of bling two or three diamond rings on each hand.
He had Italianate features and was sometimes portrayed with a
stack of books, like an author on a book tour. Geez, yeah,
I just realized, I don't know what this guy looks like.
Oh yeah, we gotta pull up a turkmen boshy picture
for you. Well, throwing up on the site too. Now.
As he aged, turkmen Boshi became increasingly insistent on demanding
that his people smile at all times. He's that is
(30:38):
that guy? Oh yeah, here's his picture. Okay, Yeah, that's
that looks about right. Yeah, that looks about right. It
looks like a big old, big old baby, big old
baby gold baby faced turkmen Boshy uh In the Runama,
he had written, quote, A smile can make a friend
for you out of an enemy, and when death stares
you in the face, smile at it and it leave
(31:00):
you untouched. How is that not the thing that it
cites a revolution? Like, hey, guys, smile more. I'd be like,
all right, we're done here. I was okay with the puppets,
but I'm ready to die now. Over the years, Turkmen
Boshi continued to drive home his point about smiling, telling
his people to talk to each other with smiles and
promising there will never be any wrinkles on a smiling face.
(31:23):
He claimed his love of smiles had been inspired by
his sainted mother. Her smile is visible to me in
the dark of night, even if I have my eyes shut.
So that's sweet, Yeah, real sweet. He renamed ketchup. He
declared he's well because the word catch ups a foreign term,
and he believed it deserved a real Turkmen name. Okay,
(31:45):
but it's not the only thing named with a foreign term.
He was getting around to all of them, but ketchup
was a priority. Started catchup, starting loves catch up. He
really loved renaming things. What did he rename catch up? Too. Oh,
I just a Turkmen word. Okay, Yeah, yeah, I didn't,
(32:05):
I didn't. I didn't catch that, Okay, I wish it
was his name Turkmid. Yeah, oh, dear god. He also
required that doctors swear an oath now on the runama,
rather than the hippocratic oath. Sure, I'm surprised I didn't
already happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I may
have got my times a little bit mixed up on
that one. That might have happened when he closed down
most of the hospitals. Yeah. Sorry. There's a lot of
(32:27):
crazy things to to keep track of an order here,
and they're not it's not consistently crazy. It's it's it's
this this beautiful potpourri. It's puppet shows and catch up
and I'm like, oh man, and then like false flag
attacks that oppressed dissidents in like really smart policies of
(32:48):
neutrality and renaming catchup right, Yeah yeah, like some of
the stuff, it's like, oh yeah, he's doing the classic
hits of Addictator and then he's thrown in these crazy ones. Yeah.
Could you can imagine Stalin doing some of the U
But he would never have bothered a rename catchup. Here's
no funck it It's fine, maybe linen sauce. In two
(33:11):
thousand six, turkmen Boshi had constructed the turkmen Boschi Eternally
Great Park. Yeah. It was an enormous wooded park with
a contrete creek path up a mountain built by turkmen
Boshi is part of an effort to urge his people
to be healthier and exercise more often. In two thousand six,
Nasof declared the first Saturday in November to be health Day.
(33:32):
He demanded that all of his ministers part taken a
five mile walk, starting at turkmen Boshi Eternally Great Park
and going all the way up to the top of
the You're making them walk. Turkmen Boshi himself did not walk.
He had a helicopter fly him to the top of
the mountain where he had a hell of pad installed.
He made fun of anyone who took more than two
hours to make the walk. He's perfect, classic ten. Yeah,
(33:56):
at this point he's just like, I wonder what more
I can get away? What more can I get That
turned out to be the last thing he could get
away with because of December thirty, first two thousand six.
Soupramaratna is a great leader of the Turkmen's God's profit
on Earth. Died of heart failure. Good good. Here's how
the book was. Really. The thing I've agreed with the
(34:20):
most that he's done is dying of heart failure. Uh.
Here's how the book Inside Central Asia sums up his legacy.
The Turkmen despot left behind a republic where the average
monthly income was sixty dollars, yet most people managed to
get by on generous state subsidies for housing and basic foods,
free electricity, water and gas. We are not free, but
we are not hungry, an unnamed Turkmen told visiting New
(34:42):
York Times correspondent C. J. Chippers, who noted that food
was inexpensive, gasoline sold for four cents per gallon, and
bazaars were filled with Chinese goods. And that is about
the best that anyone can say for Turkmen Boshi, the
lunatic president of Turkmenistan. He was a brutal monster and
a nut, but food and gas were cheap, so nobody
murdered him. Yeah. I mean, it really does kind of
(35:03):
come down. I know I said it earlier, but I
feel like a lot of this is like, so we
gotta call catch up something else, but gas is still cheap. Um.
I feel like people here would put up with a
lot for four c the gallon gas. I've been I've
been saying this a lot. Is that if we got
like Red donned Um when they land, I'd be like,
so what do you have to offer? So, yeah, what
(35:24):
what's y'all's playing? Ye, things are not going great here
right now? What's that? What's the it's not good? I'll
be like, Okay, go Wolverines, but like, yeah, first I'd
say I'd hear the pitch. I'd hear the pitch. And
even if I went Wolverines, I'd probably take advantage of
the free healthcare first. Oh yeah, I've been to a
doctor in a while. Oh yeah, I am falling apart. Yeah,
it's disaster. He was replaced by a dentist, by the way, Okay, yeah, okay, ye.
(35:53):
The dentist banded cigarettes and had all the cigarettes in
the country and centerated. So it seems like things are
continuing right on that path Uncle teeth that now that
I'm not aware of, Yeah, I want to know. That's
another episode. The dentist president who came next, so it's
not going great for them. Still again gas prices, Yeah,
(36:15):
I think gas is still pretty cheap, so it's not nothing.
I mean yeah, I mean he killed people, those homes,
those homes, Oh man band ballet in the radio. What
a weird maniac, What a weird maniac to have a
country oddly specific, very oddly specific, Like I'd love to
(36:39):
talk to the people who lived who lived there, because
they you have to be confused by that ship. Right.
There's a great passage in that Paul throw New York
New Yorker article where like he recites a conversation that
his driver and his interpreter had where they were trying
to figure out what the days of the week were
and they were both natives, like they were no, no, no,
(37:00):
this is what he renamed the day to and then
like no, I think it was this, and it was
like it clearly took time for everyone to figure out
because maybe it was a performance art piece. The whole
thing about how arbitrary like dictators ships are, because it's
that where it's like I guess it's it's renaming the weeks.
It's like it's, as it says, worthwhile, is anything else
(37:21):
we Do. I guess I did check and the timing
did not work out for him to have been Andy Kaufman.
I was kind of I was suspicious of that. One
of these days one of them will be Andy Kaufman.
Work out, Dave um no jeez. I mentioned my patreon
Patreon dot com slash Gamefully Unemployed we Do podcasts were streaming.
(37:43):
I also want to give a shout out to some
More News, which I write episodes of. Oh yeah yeah,
give money to some more Newsfully Unemployed, which is Cody's
Cody's showdy Neither of them will ban golden teeth. Yeah,
it's I was all right for Bunniers dot com. Check
that out. Mccoley Cokin might ban golden teeth. Oh he
(38:05):
already has. Yeah, Okay, he's a monster. He's the Turkmen
boshivt com. Oh yeah, this has been Buying the Bastards.
You can find us on the Internet and Buying the
Bastards dot com. You can find us on Twitter and
Instagram at at Bastards pod. You can find my book
on Amazon dot com, A Brief History of Vice. It's
(38:27):
I hurt my friends with drugs. He poisoned me, my
poisoned Dave with drugs very irresponsibly. When I say I
am the opposite of a doctor, I mean it. Uh,
I am the opposite of a doctor. Yeah. It's still
fun to get medical advice for you. Oh man, oh yeah,
I've got hit. Hit me up on Twitter at I right,
(38:49):
okay and ask me medical advice. I will give you
medical advice, um legally binding medical advice. Yeah. Absolutely, all right.
Well that's been the podcast. Buy a shirt to public
find the bastards. We've got the new Raoul Wallenberg shirts
Save Lives, Do Crimes. I love about forty h h
(39:16):
h h h
M oh my god, Oh my god, the episode started
and I don't introduction, Dave, Dave, what do I do?
How do I introduce the episode? What is the show?
What are we doing? It's oh god, it's behind your
behind something the music? Yeah, this is behind the Music,
a show where we tell you everything you don't know
(00:20):
about the greatest pop hits of the nineteen nineties. Dave,
this is part nine of our series on All Star,
the hit smash Mouth song. Now, what do you think
they meant with the line get your game on, go play? Well?
I think it could mean a lot of things, Roberts.
So if you almost threw pop type setting me there,
(00:41):
Robert Evans is Behind the Bastards, of course, the show
where we tell you everything you don't know about the
very worst people in all of history. I am. I've
switched out in my bubbly for a doctor's via much
better drink. Can I get a little? Yeah? Can you
wait a port over the over the recording equipment into
your lacroix into my Oh hold on, I got a sweater,
(01:02):
you can I can mop that up with your sweater, Dave,
This is great. I think we're okay. Fine, it wasn't
on spell my drink clean up. We're okay, it's all right,
We're doing great. I don't know why people put us
in a room together. Sophie's really close to throwing those
(01:23):
pop darts. Great podcast content. I'm gonna the people in
their cars really enjoyed that. Daniel, our our audio engineer,
is uh not livid. This is the fourth set of
thumbs up he's given us, which is a good sign
we're on the right track. Sophie's punching her fist. I
guess let's talk about the dictator of minister. Let's let's
(01:45):
get back into it. So, as you might guess, nine
eleven was a very dangerous time to be both a
New Yorker and an ostensibly Muslim dictator in a country
anywhere near Afghanistan. Neither of those were safe things to be.
Even so, Niyazov made what was in retrospect the major
mistake in the nineteen nineties of engaging in substantial trade
(02:05):
deals with the Taliban, mainly so he could run pipelines
through their country. As soon as the towers fell, turkwen
Boshi reversed his stance on the Taliban and agreed to
let the Pentagon use his country as a gigantic airstrip
to prepare for the invasion of Afghanistan. Smart move. Now,
I even't kept up on the invasion of Afghanistan since
the early two thousand's, but I assume it went well. Yeah,
I think that work that wrapped. Yeah, it seems like
(02:27):
the kind of thing that would get handled pretty quickly.
I didn't get out. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I
love about our wars is the defined in points. Yeah,
that's the best part about how we do war in America.
So good at infection. Yeah, we're like we're like lost
the TV show of Countries. Yeah yeah, Yeah, you're done
to a couple of seasons and you're done. Tell quick
(02:48):
concise story. Now. Helping America bomb in neutral country has
always been a lucrative endeavor for the dictators who let
us do it. Uh. Turkwen Boshi benefited mightily for his
help during Clinton's time, Turkmenistan had barely rated six thousand
dollars a year in military aid. By two thousand three,
after giving the US access to Turkmen airspace and some
land rights at a top nineteen point two million. Yeah,
(03:11):
it's like a thirty something times increase. So smart decision,
letting us bomb other people from your country. It's an
easy fix. It's an easy fix. Now. President Bush was
happy to offer this dictatory security alliance, which Niazov used
to crush what little resistance remained to his reign. There
really wasn't much, though, and when Turkmen Boshi finally saw
(03:31):
a major unrest, it would come in the form of
one of his highest officials, Boris Shukmorrodov, at that time
the Turkmen ambassador to China, which is a really important
job in Turkmenistan because China is kind of like your
your big trading partner that area, like you pretty pretty
important to be in good terms with China. So this
guy is a high up official. His nightmare came to
life when his ambassador to China, Boris Shikmordov, resigned and
(03:55):
again denouncing his regime. He claimed that Turkmen Boshi had
ordered dissidence, tortured and executed, that he'd rigged elections, and
that he'd embezzled billions of dollars in government funds to
his personal bank account. No, Turkmen, yeah, he's not wrong.
He's not wrong, and Turkmen Boshi responded by accusing Boris
of embezzling tens millions of dollars, which is also probably
not wrong. Yeah, yeah, probably both in beszling. Oh yeah,
(04:16):
this is just everything's blowing up. Now. Everybody's pointing fingers.
It's like that gift of Spider Man pointing at Spider Man. Yeah,
that's what's happening here. Uh Now, Schikmurodov went to Europe
and became the international symbol of resistance to Niyazov's reign.
Nothing happened for a while, and no resistance rose up
from inside the country, but Chikmurrodov was sort of a
(04:36):
thorn in his side, like always going around, you know,
the world, talking about how terrible things were in Turkmenistan
and trying to get people. You know, this is the
period where the US is overthrowing a couple of dictators.
So he's trying to be like, overthrow this guy. Maybe
put me in charge, overthrow this guy. He's one of
those people. Seems like it. Uh he may have been.
And again this yeah, it just goes back to the
(04:58):
there's corruption. Yeah, I'll do it, It'll fix the corruption. Yeah, no,
don't don't have anyone ever be in charge of anything
because people are bad at being in charge of countries.
Have people be in charge of like makes sense for
a person to be in charge of a power plant,
makes sense for people to be in charge of a factory. Yeah,
(05:20):
people shouldn't be in charge of something like a country.
It never works out. It's it's bad of the time. Yeah,
I sorry, my radical politics infecting this history podcast. Burn
it all, burn nop. Just burn all the leaders down. Sure, yeah,
burn the leaders down. Use the ashes of their bodies
to grow potatoes. Yeah. I feel like if there's one
(05:43):
thing we need more of, its potatoes. It would be
like you could celebrant dictators. Oh my god, Dave, you
nailed it. I know I did. I felt that one
coming from my gut. It would be perfect. It's one
of those jokes that like shifts the fur moment of
the universe. It's so appropriate. Oh boy, I I tickles me.
(06:07):
We gotta go into the business. We gotta go into business.
I wonder where they buried Saddam. Who I mean? I
could find out. We could, and if we don't, we
could lie and say we did exactly because he's gonna know, Yeah,
exact perfect. Oh man, I even know some people we
could bribe in that. Anyway, Once turkmen Boshi had kind
of put the kibosh on this, essentially accused this guy
(06:29):
who had you know, risen up against him of being corrupt,
he sort of figured that was that was it for
a while, uh, and he went back to his favorite
pastime of being a lunatic. In August of two two,
at the annual session of the People's Council, turkmen Boshi
announced that he was renaming all of the months. I mean,
why not at this point? Why not? Why not renamed
(06:49):
the months? Yeah, January was renamed. Can you guess what
he called? He named January I assume after himself. Yeah,
you got it. January was turkmen Boshi. February was flat.
April was named after his mother, apparently because the month
April signifies growth in May was named after his favorite poet.
Now as a fellow writer, Dave. You know how creative
(07:10):
flow works. Once you're really focused and you're putting out
good work, you don't want to stop. Sometimes, you know,
even if you like finish the project, you just start
something else because you're like, well, I'm never im you know,
you're mare to get in this headspace, you really want
to take advantage of it. And I think Turkmen Boshi
got caught up in that headspace a little bit because
right after renaming all the months, he decided to rename
all the days of the week. Sure, yeah, yeah, you
(07:30):
got you gotta keep that going. You might as well. Now,
Monday was renamed Beginning Day, Tuesday was Young Day, should
have been Fun Day, should have been fun Day. Wednesday
was Good Day, Thursday was Blessed Day, Friday was Mother Day.
Saturday and Sunday we're sol in Recovery Day, respectively. Recovery
Day makes sense. Recovery Day, it makes especially since Saturday,
(07:52):
Soul Day was also the day that everyone in the
country was supposed to read his book, so you really
need some recovery after that out after no debate, the
parliament in the People's Council ratified all these changes to
the names of the days and months. This basic method
turkmen Boshi making a declaration and then changing suddenly huge
aspects of daily life in an instant, happened with increasing
(08:12):
regularity in the early two thousands. When Turkmenbashi learned that
the traffic police were extorting bribes from motorists. He fired
them all and replaced them with army recruits. Sure, sure,
that's gonna that's gonna work. As a bunch of new
new guys with guns directing traffic with training. I don't
see how that could work out badly. He also continued
(08:35):
to shower Turkmenistan with the blessings of his wisdom. Here's
the book inside Central Asia. Inspired by what he believed
to be a semi divine revelation, he decreed that the
life of a Turkmen consisted of nine stages of twelve
years each, starting with childhood and progressing through adolescence, youth, maturity,
what he called the prophetic stage, and then from age
sixty one to sixty two the inspirational stage, which just
(08:57):
happened to be his age at the time. Wisdom and
old age followed, ending with the ogas con stage at
age a hundred and nine. Ogus Khan was the legendary
founder of the Turkmen nation, like the Romulus. So he
divides life up in all these stages, ending it a
hundred nine. That's how long you're supposed to live. So
he's he's at this point he's now defining aging. Yeah,
(09:18):
I'm surprised he's not personally naming every citizen at this point.
He's pretty big line outside, I did run into a
bummer of a fact that's not related to him, but
it is related to culture in Turkmenistan. It's one of
those places where like people don't want to have too
many girls because there's a lot of social cash and
having too many boys, and so one of the most
common names for girls is literally the word enough jus
(09:42):
like if you've had too many girls, your girl enough
or like there's another one that's like translates like please
God stop. Yeah, it's pretty sucked up. That is fucked
up because it's like, you know, is that like they're
setting a reminder, like Okay, this is the last one
you're telling God, like we're done, we have enough girls cheese. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
(10:05):
but that one, that one's not on Turkmen Boshi. That's
just some uh culture needs to wake up a little
bit on women's issues. Maybe yeah, yeah, people people are
terrible and have been forever and are everywhere. Yeah. Now,
On the twenty five November, two attackers in three vehicles
ambushed President Niyazov's motorcade, firing on it with machine guns.
(10:25):
Several of his guards were wounded as they fought off
the attack. President Niyazov, inside his armored vehicle, reportedly did
not notice he had been attacked until he arrived at
the office later that day. Oh, I'm glad. I'm glad.
He's all right. You're glad. You were worried, I could say.
In the immediate wake of the attack, Turkmen Boshi declared
that the shooters were quote hired, given weapons and sent
to carry out the shooting. They got high and tried
(10:46):
to carry out their orders. Punishment will be brought to them,
but they are not the ones who bear the main responsibility.
You want to guess who bears the main responsibility. Isn't
that guy? It's that guy in a bunch of Turkmen
dissidents who all lived in foreign countries, none of whom
lived in the country. I mean, this is smart, he
thought of it. It's a good opportunity to pin the
blame well. And it may not have actually happened, okay,
(11:08):
I mean the shooting itself happened. He he didn't notice, apparently,
so it didn't happen for him. Yeah, yeah, and he
declared Boris chikmard Off to be behind it all. But
Radio Free Europe, which is just so there's a U. S.
Government funded organization the reports from inside non democratic countries
with no press freedom, but it is a government funded country.
So it's one of those things where like they're definitely
(11:29):
tolling the US government line, but they're also often have
good sources inside countries like Termenistan. But take it with
a grain of whatever you take at U. S. Government
funded journalism institute, you know. Uh. Anyway, Radio Free Europe
talked to all of the accused dissidents and also to
several other sources in the country, and they posited a
counter theory about what happened. Quote the former deputy Prime
(11:50):
Minister and National Bank had denied any role in the
attack and said the assassination attempt, which allegedly took places
Niazov was being driven to work, seemed strange. Nikazov has
two v hicles, a Mercedes and a jeep. Both have
double plate armor. These vehicles cannot be destroyed by machine
guns or even rocket propelled grenades. Think for a minute,
the alleged attackers let kniazof go by. Then they block
the road in front of the police following nas off.
(12:13):
If the plan had worked, it wouldn't have been for
eliminating niasof So basically, the allegations that he faked an
assassination at him a false. Yeah yeah, yeah, which yeah
maybe right. I mean he he was like, well, that's
a false exactly, And we all know that nine eleven
was an inside absolutely because jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.
(12:35):
I can't melt anything. You can't melt it's just jet fuel. Like,
that's why I use it for hair palmmade. You can
drink it. You can drink it, oh man, Yeah, that's
what most doctors say. A pint of jet fuel a
day keeps your insides from becoming steel beams. I mean
you certainly won't have any other worries medically after that,
after drinking your daily pie to your your problems are
(12:58):
all set. So if Niaza's goal was to use the
assassination attempt as an excuse to crush the tiny amount
of resistance that remained in his own country, it worked.
Chik Murodov turned himself in to stop his family from
being horribly tortured or at least horribly tortured anymore than
they'd already been horribly tortured. A few days later, he
showed up on State TV clearly drugged and admitted to
(13:20):
attempting to orchestrate a coup. He thanked me as off
for the mercy that he'd shown and not executed them all,
and also thanked the Great Leader for his compassionate, spiritual guidance.
That's a real bummer. That's a real bummer that's you're
watching on TV. Like, I think we got to get
out of this kind. I think we might need to
leave this country, he told State News. Quote among us
(13:41):
us being the conspirators is not one normal person. We
are all nobody's. I am not a person capable of
running a country. I am a criminal only able to
destroy it. Yeah, it's one of those things I don't
just like it's it's the third act, like the dark
moment before the hero is able to like beat the
dystopian leader, and I, yeah, I feel like it's not
(14:04):
gonna be the thing that happens. That's only a thing
that happens in movies. But it's just so overtly evil
moment it is, And like shik Muradov. It's one of
those things to raise to that position in the government
of Turkmenistan. He's probably pretty corrupt himself, but he also
seems to have been a lamently courageous guy and like,
obviously this dude needed to be. Like, I don't I
(14:25):
don't know if he would have been good or not
if like the dictator had been replaced. But I mean generally, yeah,
generally speaking, if they're like, let me take over, it's
probably not gonna It's just be the cycle beginning again
with a new face. That is what the odds say.
But yeah, I mean, he also did turn himself into
save his family, so maybe he was a decent person. Yeah,
(14:46):
I mean that's that's not an easy choice, I guess,
not because you know you're getting tortured. Yeah, but if
if you like your family, if you don't like your family,
and it's like him, Yeah, he's not a total sociopath,
because a total sociopath would not have turned him self. Yes, yeah,
so I don't know. I don't know. Chikmurodov, sorry that
you got sentenced to prison for the rest of your life.
(15:08):
On TV, Nikazov explained that he had shown mercy to
all of the conspirators because only Allah decides death. Wow,
I'm surprised he hasn't taken that up to that he
can decide death because he's a saying he's to sign
a lot of things, and he did. He did have
a lot of people executed. Okay, Yeah, he did have
a lot of people like Okay, he's just a liar.
(15:29):
He's definitely allowed. Okay. Uh. Now, next, Niazov clamped down
on civil liberties even more. He ordered the secret police
to monitor public conversations. He also asked citizens to report
anti national talk being turkmenbashi. He also did something insane
and banned anyone in the country from listening to the
radio while driving in their car. His reasoning was that
the noise would obscure subversive conversations from the eyes of
(15:52):
hidden police. It really seems like these are moments in
his life where he's like being driven around, here's the
radio and it's distracting. He's like, you know what, no
more radio for anybody. Fuck the radio. I hate the radio.
Now put it on the list. L adio radio movie theaters.
(16:13):
Make sure that puppet theater is still running. Who are
the people running the puppet theater. I want to know
about them. I bet they really need a cigarette or
they were like, they're probably very passionate about puppets, and
then he declared them they're like that was the time.
There's just one puppet loving man who was this is
(16:33):
the country I was born to be Yea, and they exist.
There are puppet loving people. There are puppetly Matt Stone
and Trade Parker. I hadn't. I hadn't been really successful here.
I had a neighbor who kept asking me to come
over and watch a puppet show. Yeah, it's like that,
that's that I know you're gonna get murdered. It was
I was living in this terrible apartment and this are weird.
(16:54):
Neighbor was like, look, I do puppet shows every week
if you guys want to come, and it was just like, no, no,
I don't want to die. I'm young. I feel like
the word no enters your mind as soon as the
word puppet show enters your ears. I did have one
roommate go and it's like I wasn't. He was like,
it was weird. It's what it's what it sounds like.
It's what it sounds like. Our neighbor's puppet show. Speaking
(17:19):
of puppet shows, I don't answer my seat. You know
what isn't a puppet? Busy bone dog treats the only
dog treats currently sitting on this table. Yeah, they look good.
You could probably eat them. I felt like this was
the time for an ad plug. I also feel like
(17:40):
the bones on the front of that kind of look
like tampons. There's even a string coming out of one
of them. Good god, they really do? Is that? Why
is there a string coming out of that? Okay? It
is an arrow? All right? That was an unnecessary digression,
speaking of unnecessary digressions. Actually, speaking of necessary say, it's
(18:00):
pretty necessary. You know what's necessary? A and we're back. Okay. So, uh,
when we last left off, Niazov had just banned the radio.
(18:22):
I mean, not the weirdest thing he's banned, Not the
weirdest thing he's been The next and last period of
Niyazov's life was a golden age for batty ass laws.
He required universities to test all applicants on their knowledge
of his dumb book, The Runama. He reorganized the justice
system so that prisoners could only be released when they'd
sworn an oath upon his book. In two thousand four,
he demanded that the Runama should be used in mosques
(18:44):
alongside the Koran. I'm not one for burning books for
ob yeah, but it feels like we need to get
rid of this book. I also, I mean, I guess
it's probably pretty clear to the listeners, but in case
you haven't had a lot of oriens with like Muslims
and Islam, I can't imagine anything more blasphemous than what
this guy's done. Oh yeah, that's pretty hardcore blasphemy. Now,
(19:12):
the National Mufti, the like Islamic religious leader for the
nation of Turkmenistan, objected to this random dude's book being
made a requirement alongside the Holy Book of the faith. Uh.
He was instantly arrested and a player to be a
part of the coup two years ago. Yeah, that sense
about right, retroactively inactively responsible for the coup now. During
(19:34):
a tour of small villages that same year two thousand four,
Niyazov was allegedly angered that none of the local libraries
had enough people in them. He ordered all rural libraries
across the country shut down. This may have been due
to the fact that turkinbosh, you described all writers who
were not himself. He considered it a personal insult that
anyone would want to read any book besides the Runama. Yeah,
(19:54):
that makes sense. Also, in two thousand four, he declared
July tenth a melon holiday. In April horse day. Nice, yeah,
we got a horse days day. He banned beards because
he was worried. Sure, sure, he was worried about Islamic
fundamentalists tiding amongst the populace. I think he saw that
(20:17):
eating super was like, no more beards. So this tired
assistants like, yeah, I got it, no more, no more beards,
all right, we'll put it out. Uh. He banned circuses. Uh,
hold on, hold on, you can't be pro puppet show
and anti circus, especially being pro horse and anti circus. Yeah, well,
(20:41):
I sort of get that. If you see a circus,
you're like, oh god, those poor horses. Okay, that actually
might make any sense, But like puppet shows and circuses,
it's all in the same ridiculous spectacle, like it's it's
it's all the same circle of like these are the
things that are used for entertainment in hell. Yeah, yeah,
like circuses, puppets. Yeah, it. So basically, anytime the president
(21:05):
expressed a mild dislike for something, it was essentially banned.
Now what he was not passing laws against these things.
He wasn't saying it's forbidden to have a beard. He
wasn't saying it's forbidden to do this, or that. He
would go on TV and basically express his dislike for
a certain thing, and then everybody would have to stop
doing it because it's a police state. So like, that's
the way this works. And a good example of how
(21:26):
it proceeded was Turkmenbashi's hatred of gold teeth fillings. Uh.
He denounced them in a speech, staying, quote, I watched
young dogs when I was young. They were given bones
to Now those who view whose teeth have fallen out
did not gnaw on bones. This is my advice. What
non on bones? Take out your gold teeth. Wait wait, yeah,
(21:52):
he didn't like gold teeth. He like expressed that he
didn't think they looked good, that natural teeth looked better,
and that people should not on bones if they want
their teeth to be healthy. Okay, so he's like against
just missing teeth in general, no gold teeth and specific. Okay,
so you can lose a tooth and you can get
like a like a replacement that looks like a normal tooth,
but not gold. So here's how. A Telegraph article that
(22:14):
interviewed several people in the country we had to get
their teeth replaced described what happened next. Quote in Turkmenistan
and he is off lifestyle tip is as good as law.
In a Pavlovian response to his remarks, which were broadcast
repeatedly on television, people rushed to swap their gold teeth
for porcelain. Miss Tollivia, a thirty two year old laboratory technician,
had been sent home from work because of her offending teeth.
As universities, government departments, and state run companies humored their
(22:37):
president for life. I have had gold teeth since I
was eighteen, Miss Tolivia said. It was my dowry from
my parents when I got married. Before, I was really
proud of my teeth. They showed me as a success.
But now I cannot work and have them. As her
husband hovered protectively, each crown, bloodied and flecked with pieces
of tissue, was carefully saved to be melted down later
by a jeweler. The couple he confided. We're not quite
sure what to do. Perhaps we have enough for a ring,
(22:59):
he pondered, or maybe ear rings until he bands those,
until he banns earrings and rings. Yeah, I love that
they call it lifestyle tips, like this is goop, Like
Paltrow's a dictator. It is kind of getting Gwenni Paltrow's
a dictator. This guy's like, you know what, cigarettes are
bad for me? Nobody gets to smoke. Cigarettes are out.
A cigarettes are out, so are gold teeth. She wants
(23:21):
some bones when it isn't Gwenna Paltrow's big into the
bone broth right. Probably, probably this is a dictatorship of
Gwyneth Paltrow. That's exactly what's going on in fucking Turkmenistan
right now. Well we're during Lily two. Yeah, So when
local meteorologists weren't correct about a forecast, uh Niazov fired
(23:41):
the head of the meteorology department and also banned TV
reporters from wearing makeup quote because it masked their natural
weedish color, making them look white and mask the difference
between the appearances of men and women. It really is
just every every little thing that bugs. He's just always
on TV. He has opinions about everything, and everyone's scared
(24:02):
to like they're not laws, but everyone's scared to not
to do something that the president doesn't like. But at
this point, it's it's almost like it's almost like he
has a like a show and he's just trying to
fill time. So he's like, all right, what do I
what do I not like what I pissed about today?
Make up like him anymore? Yeah, I don't even think
he's that passionate about this stuff at this point. He's
(24:23):
just trying to make content. Yeah. Yeah. Turkmen Boshi's commands
generally came during TV interviews. He would say something expressing opinion,
and suddenly it was the way things were. In one interview,
he ordered the Education Ministry to watch the hairstyles of students.
Young men should not be allowed to have long hair.
In addition to the beard band, all goates also had
to go, which is the first time I'm on, you
know what? All right, yeah, yeah, let's get rid of
(24:45):
those I mean, yeah, I'm getting to that age where
if I look at college students, I'm just like, change
all that, change all that stuff, get rid of all
of it. You know, when I think about what situations
might justify the deployment of like a fire hose against people.
It's every time I've walked past a frat house, just
just hose him out, empty that building, pressurized water. Yeah,
(25:08):
like because yeah, yeah, you just need to clean it.
You just need to clean it and the people inside it. Yeah,
it's that. Or if people are on fire, that's it. Yep,
there's the only two circumstances frat houses or burning it
to death. Now, as a cost cutting measure, Nia's off
fired fifteen thousand healthcare workers and replaced them with untrained
military recruits, figuring that what worked for traffic police would
(25:28):
work just as well for a nurse as and E.
M T s. Now did it work for traffic police?
Of course? What if the e empt is gonna do
whatever untrained nineteen year olds know how to do? Oh no,
who would think that he's old enough to know he
doesn't know a German doctor. He doesn't go to doctors
(25:50):
in turkmenister. Yeah. He also closed down all of the
hospitals outside of the capital, uh, saying that anybody who
had a medical emergency could just come to the capital. Yeah,
that's fair, that's fair. That's fair. In two thousand five,
Nazov opened a gigantic horse track near the capital, the
largest in Asia, because he'd gotten really in horses, solid solid.
(26:16):
That telegraph reporter was in town during the opening of
the racetrack, and his description of it is quite a
lot of fun. The attention to detail is remarkable. Along
the approach road, teenage conscript soldiers in khaki boiler suits,
robotically placed whitewashed stones, and small circles around the trunks
of newly planted fir trees. At the center, there are
swimming pools, therapy centers, and state of the art veterinary
facilities for the animals in our deg The president's stallion
(26:38):
is almost as prominent in Turkmenistan as his patron. Niyazov
is busy cultivating the myth that he is reviving an
ancient breed of horse. The alcohol tech A is his
personal claim to restoring national greatness. In fact, to criticize
the money lavished on the accoltech horses is to commit
the offense of parricide, defined in the National Criminal Code
as questioning the policy of the president. So don't get
(27:00):
angry at his horses or you'll go to prison. I
bet Gwyneth Paltrow likes horses too. I bet she would
do all of the things he's done. So key to
a great nation. Statues and horses. What else could it be? Dave? Yeah.
In addition to building a palatial racetrack, Turkmen Boshi ordered
hundreds of homes bulldozed in the capital so he could
build a series of massive, white marble apartment buildings he
(27:20):
designed himself. The buildings were never occupied because no one
in the city could afford them. The owners of the
homes previously on the land were again not compensated for
their loss. You know. Turkmen Boshi declared himself a landscape
artist next, and promised to create a force in the
desert that would last a thousand years and improved Turkmenistan's
brutal climate. To achieve this goal, he planted a massive
cyphress forest around a fake lake he had built in
(27:41):
the desert. How Well, Paul Threw visited shortly after the
forest was planted, and he observed that quote. Although Bashi's trees,
mostly a type of juniper, were two or three feet high,
wind planted, the forestation was not a success. Drip irrigation
had been rigged for them, but they were baked by
the sun and blown flat by the wind. A full
third had that peculiar rust red hue, the vivid color
of an evergreens death. He's just man, he's spinning out
(28:07):
of control. At this point, I'm gonna make a four,
make a forest now, motherfucker's He's great. Next, he built
an ice palace outside the capital. Is it in the desert? Yeah? Yeah,
so at this point he's just like, fuck reality. What
a nice palace. He built at ft tall pyramid. He
(28:28):
built the largest mosque in Asia, which he named the
Spirit of Turkmen Boshi himself a lot of stuff. By
the way, I feel like are things that Nicolas Cage
has done as well. Yeah, Like, I feel like the
ven diagram, like there's a large crossover between the two.
I feel like if Nicolas Cage built a mosque, it
would be less blasphemous than this. He would show more
(28:48):
respect for the religion. And of course, this gigantic mosque
was again festioned with quotes from the Koran and from
Turkmen Boshi's equally important book, The rook Namau. Turken Boshi
insisted that turk Men visit the Mosque as a regional
equivalent to the Hajj, which is, you know, the Muslim
requirement to go to Mecca if you possibly can. Okay, yeah, yeah,
(29:08):
he just he's put himself around that level. Yeah. This
is also around the time when he declared himself a
prophet of God. So man, well, he hadn't done that yet,
not officially. Okay, Yeah, you gotta make sure everybody knows.
You know, he had written a book to claring himself
God's son, but you gotta make it clear, you know
that you're a prophet of God. In two thousand six,
when New Yorker writer Paul Thuroe visited Turkmenistan, the people
(29:31):
of the country had just spontaneously declared their leader the
National Profit. So sorry, that's how it went. Mixed up
my notes there for a second. So in two thousand
and six, the Turkmenistan people declared their leader the National Profit,
did they? Yeah? I mean, of course they did, Dave,
like the they love them, they love them. The president
for life of Turkmenistan would not lie about the people
(29:52):
of Turkmenistan declaring him the national Profit. Yeah. Now, in
Paul Throw's trip through the country. He saw portraits of
the leader everywhere quote several of them, measuring hundreds of
square feet everywhere in Ashgabat and some he looked like
a fat and grinning Dean Martin and others he was
the truculent CEO with a chilly smile. A common image
showed him chin on hand, squinting an insincere bonhamie, like
a lounge singer, a heavy drinker, a bully, and aware
(30:14):
of bling two or three diamond rings on each hand.
He had Italianate features and was sometimes portrayed with a
stack of books, like an author on a book tour. Geez, yeah,
I just realized, I don't know what this guy looks like.
Oh yeah, we gotta pull up a turkmen boshy picture
for you. Well, throwing up on the site too. Now.
As he aged, turkmen Boshi became increasingly insistent on demanding
that his people smile at all times. He's that is
(30:38):
that guy? Oh yeah, here's his picture. Okay, Yeah, that's
that looks about right. Yeah, that looks about right. It
looks like a big old, big old baby, big old
baby gold baby faced turkmen Boshy uh In the Runama,
he had written, quote, A smile can make a friend
for you out of an enemy, and when death stares
you in the face, smile at it and it leave
(31:00):
you untouched. How is that not the thing that it
cites a revolution? Like, hey, guys, smile more. I'd be like,
all right, we're done here. I was okay with the puppets,
but I'm ready to die now. Over the years, Turkmen
Boshi continued to drive home his point about smiling, telling
his people to talk to each other with smiles and
promising there will never be any wrinkles on a smiling face.
(31:23):
He claimed his love of smiles had been inspired by
his sainted mother. Her smile is visible to me in
the dark of night, even if I have my eyes shut.
So that's sweet, Yeah, real sweet. He renamed ketchup. He
declared he's well because the word catch ups a foreign term,
and he believed it deserved a real Turkmen name. Okay,
(31:45):
but it's not the only thing named with a foreign term.
He was getting around to all of them, but ketchup
was a priority. Started catchup, starting loves catch up. He
really loved renaming things. What did he rename catch up? Too. Oh,
I just a Turkmen word. Okay, Yeah, yeah, I didn't,
(32:05):
I didn't. I didn't catch that, Okay, I wish it
was his name Turkmid. Yeah, oh, dear god. He also
required that doctors swear an oath now on the runama,
rather than the hippocratic oath. Sure, I'm surprised I didn't
already happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I may
have got my times a little bit mixed up on
that one. That might have happened when he closed down
most of the hospitals. Yeah. Sorry. There's a lot of
(32:27):
crazy things to to keep track of an order here,
and they're not it's not consistently crazy. It's it's it's
this this beautiful potpourri. It's puppet shows and catch up
and I'm like, oh man, and then like false flag
attacks that oppressed dissidents in like really smart policies of
(32:48):
neutrality and renaming catchup right, Yeah yeah, like some of
the stuff, it's like, oh yeah, he's doing the classic
hits of Addictator and then he's thrown in these crazy ones. Yeah.
Could you can imagine Stalin doing some of the U
But he would never have bothered a rename catchup. Here's
no funck it It's fine, maybe linen sauce. In two
(33:11):
thousand six, turkmen Boshi had constructed the turkmen Boschi Eternally
Great Park. Yeah. It was an enormous wooded park with
a contrete creek path up a mountain built by turkmen
Boshi is part of an effort to urge his people
to be healthier and exercise more often. In two thousand six,
Nasof declared the first Saturday in November to be health Day.
(33:32):
He demanded that all of his ministers part taken a
five mile walk, starting at turkmen Boshi Eternally Great Park
and going all the way up to the top of
the You're making them walk. Turkmen Boshi himself did not walk.
He had a helicopter fly him to the top of
the mountain where he had a hell of pad installed.
He made fun of anyone who took more than two
hours to make the walk. He's perfect, classic ten. Yeah,
(33:56):
at this point he's just like, I wonder what more
I can get away? What more can I get That
turned out to be the last thing he could get
away with because of December thirty, first two thousand six.
Soupramaratna is a great leader of the Turkmen's God's profit
on Earth. Died of heart failure. Good good. Here's how
the book was. Really. The thing I've agreed with the
(34:20):
most that he's done is dying of heart failure. Uh.
Here's how the book Inside Central Asia sums up his legacy.
The Turkmen despot left behind a republic where the average
monthly income was sixty dollars, yet most people managed to
get by on generous state subsidies for housing and basic foods,
free electricity, water and gas. We are not free, but
we are not hungry, an unnamed Turkmen told visiting New
(34:42):
York Times correspondent C. J. Chippers, who noted that food
was inexpensive, gasoline sold for four cents per gallon, and
bazaars were filled with Chinese goods. And that is about
the best that anyone can say for Turkmen Boshi, the
lunatic president of Turkmenistan. He was a brutal monster and
a nut, but food and gas were cheap, so nobody
murdered him. Yeah. I mean, it really does kind of
(35:03):
come down. I know I said it earlier, but I
feel like a lot of this is like, so we
gotta call catch up something else, but gas is still cheap. Um.
I feel like people here would put up with a
lot for four c the gallon gas. I've been I've
been saying this a lot. Is that if we got
like Red donned Um when they land, I'd be like,
so what do you have to offer? So, yeah, what
(35:24):
what's y'all's playing? Ye, things are not going great here
right now? What's that? What's the it's not good? I'll
be like, Okay, go Wolverines, but like, yeah, first I'd
say I'd hear the pitch. I'd hear the pitch. And
even if I went Wolverines, I'd probably take advantage of
the free healthcare first. Oh yeah, I've been to a
doctor in a while. Oh yeah, I am falling apart. Yeah,
it's disaster. He was replaced by a dentist, by the way, Okay, yeah, okay, ye.
(35:53):
The dentist banded cigarettes and had all the cigarettes in
the country and centerated. So it seems like things are
continuing right on that path Uncle teeth that now that
I'm not aware of, Yeah, I want to know. That's
another episode. The dentist president who came next, so it's
not going great for them. Still again gas prices, Yeah,
(36:15):
I think gas is still pretty cheap, so it's not nothing.
I mean yeah, I mean he killed people, those homes,
those homes, Oh man band ballet in the radio. What
a weird maniac, What a weird maniac to have a
country oddly specific, very oddly specific, Like I'd love to
(36:39):
talk to the people who lived who lived there, because
they you have to be confused by that ship. Right.
There's a great passage in that Paul throw New York
New Yorker article where like he recites a conversation that
his driver and his interpreter had where they were trying
to figure out what the days of the week were
and they were both natives, like they were no, no, no,
(37:00):
this is what he renamed the day to and then
like no, I think it was this, and it was
like it clearly took time for everyone to figure out
because maybe it was a performance art piece. The whole
thing about how arbitrary like dictators ships are, because it's
that where it's like I guess it's it's renaming the weeks.
It's like it's, as it says, worthwhile, is anything else
(37:21):
we Do. I guess I did check and the timing
did not work out for him to have been Andy Kaufman.
I was kind of I was suspicious of that. One
of these days one of them will be Andy Kaufman.
Work out, Dave um no jeez. I mentioned my patreon
Patreon dot com slash Gamefully Unemployed we Do podcasts were streaming.
(37:43):
I also want to give a shout out to some
More News, which I write episodes of. Oh yeah yeah,
give money to some more Newsfully Unemployed, which is Cody's
Cody's showdy Neither of them will ban golden teeth. Yeah,
it's I was all right for Bunniers dot com. Check
that out. Mccoley Cokin might ban golden teeth. Oh he
(38:05):
already has. Yeah, Okay, he's a monster. He's the Turkmen
boshivt com. Oh yeah, this has been Buying the Bastards.
You can find us on the Internet and Buying the
Bastards dot com. You can find us on Twitter and
Instagram at at Bastards pod. You can find my book
on Amazon dot com, A Brief History of Vice. It's
(38:27):
I hurt my friends with drugs. He poisoned me, my
poisoned Dave with drugs very irresponsibly. When I say I
am the opposite of a doctor, I mean it. Uh,
I am the opposite of a doctor. Yeah. It's still
fun to get medical advice for you. Oh man, oh yeah,
I've got hit. Hit me up on Twitter at I right,
(38:49):
okay and ask me medical advice. I will give you
medical advice, um legally binding medical advice. Yeah. Absolutely, all right.
Well that's been the podcast. Buy a shirt to public
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