The Terrible Secret of Sea Monkeys (Live Show)

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
You're so new to prof you don't leave Look at
this just you just left this in front of this
was such an amateur live performance move. I didn't. I
didn't do it right. So while I'm here, the first
thing you do is move the fucking microphone stand. I don't.
I don't. I don't know how to do it. There's
only two things I know how to do one of
there's only two things I know how to do. One

(00:33):
of them is read scripts about bad people, and the
other is poorly introduced my show. Um so I would
like to say to my first live audience, what's what's
what's cracking my peppers? Yeah? That's good, Thank you good.
I'm learning slowly, we're getting used to the microphone. Still.

(01:00):
I think I might do excepting. I don't know if
it's ideally like a wireless mike is not. It's just
the rule that if it's gonna go wrong, a wireless
minke will go wrong. Well, I can shout, but only
for a limited period of time. This. Yeah, And we
told you guys when we this is gonna go terrible.
It's it's gonna be a disaster. It's go it's really

(01:22):
going to give you an idea of what a disaster
it's going to be. I bag full of machetes. I
forgot bring all of the recording equipment necessary to record
my podcast. Um, I brought some recording equipment and that
fucking stupid. Yeah. I don't know how to you like.
I just handed it to Tori, the nice sound lady,

(01:44):
and she was like what. I was like, yeah, big
up statory um, and she did it. Yeah. We had
to make some phone calls. We did it to make
we had to call Daniel. UM. But you know, I
think we got it. Man, It's gonna be interesting how
this sounds after it really is like other people, if

(02:07):
we release it, you go they'll be like the sound
was not good when they released it, and you guys
and be like it wasn't good there either. All on me.
It's like, this is a hundred percent on very accurate
how they recorded it was. How it Billy? Do you

(02:27):
want a trade? It's uh, before we before we get
into the show today, I feel like I should introduce
our our co stars on this table. Yeah yeah, now
going to be here. That's a toasted bagel. We got
some Thomas Everything bagels. I usually used Serai. I'm not

(02:47):
sure if the ballistics on these, but I'm excited. I'm excited.
It's only gonna rec were the bad sounds of make it.
She's gonna sound like it all. It was just really frustrated.

(03:09):
It's gonna skip just the right words to make you
sound racist, and it's that's I don't know if you've
heard my accent, but that's any word. It's not hard
to do. Like, hey, do you hear that guy? Oh?
The racist guy? What do you say? We didn't have
to listen. So next up, we've got some fran France

(03:33):
original premium babels. These are from New York. Maybe that
means York fans frands. Let's see where they're really from. Oh,
I knew if it says I knew, I thought it
was some local things. And you guys are like fucking Portland.
God damn it. And then we've got uh more frands.
More friends, Yeah, we got some more friends. I had
some Pumpkin spice bagels. Oh here they are, uh, brought

(03:57):
by a friend of ours in the audience, Pumpkins Ice
premium bagels. So the taste of autumn is here. Now
we got this script, which who needs that ship? Um?
So we got we got little knife, we got mache
You take this one, Billy, this one's for bandits. It
does look like like this is not for it's not

(04:22):
for it's no, it's awesome, don't get me wrong, But
it's like, this is the criminals. It's my oldest machete.
But are you calling me a criminal? Yeah? That's that.
That is that is fair. So like you care for
the wrong people in the movie. And then we got

(04:50):
we got the backup just in case. This one's real
rusty and dull, so we don't want to use it
on the bagels. Yeah, this is the ghost knife. This
is the ghost knife. No, it's just it's a little billie.
You're getting real loose with the machete. That's just a
big gass knife. That's really all a machete is. Yeah,

(05:16):
so we're gonna play a little bit of what we
like to call bagel tennis here, um, which is exactly
what it sounds like. Although neither of us know how
to play tennis. We know the word love plays into it,
but don't tell us what it means. Um. We're just
gonna say it a lot as we knocked bagels around.
This is the splash zone. Um, hopefully bagel splashes most

(05:39):
of the machete. Have a wait to your hands, so
fingers crossed. I'm just it's working if I feel like
it's like, if I think something terrible like and make

(05:59):
it think that that's what I'm about to say, it'll work. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
Like it feels like it's out to get me. Don't
talk like a Nazi, but think like a Nazi and
then say normal stuff. Ah, don to thank something terrible
like now I'm gonna say this. It's like if you're
at Thanksgiving, you're talking to Grandma and then she walks off,

(06:21):
then you're talking your cousin. Yeah. People in the hello, yeah, yeah,

(07:01):
you can tell yeah, Okay, Well that's good. That's a start.
That's a start. M Hmma. You can't tell where the
bad neighborhood has been Portland because it's all you guys

(07:26):
keep a bad element in every Yeah, keeps everybody on
their toes, you know. So uh, I mean I think
we should just pray to the gods of microphones and
uh and and get into this son of a bitch
because these people paid to learn about somebody terrible. The

(07:46):
recording might be just the worst thing. Now, this is
gonna be a This is gonna be a unique experience
for the audience. Yeah all right, Billy Wayne Davis. Yes,

(08:10):
when you were a lad, a wee, a wee child,
did you ever have sea monkeys? No? No, you didn't know.
You didn't You saw the ads? You ever see ads
for X ray specks? Yeah? Okay, okay, you ever wondered

(08:31):
about who who made those? Do you ever wonder what
they believed about? I don't know, races? Uh no, I
mean that probably did play into it at some point

(08:53):
with the nineteen thirties with six Olympics. But yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're we're gonna talk about the guy who made those
both and some other things you've heard about today, and
then we're gonna talk about what what what what that
dude was into when he wasn't coming up with sea monkeys?
Um and uh it's it's it's gonna be a happier
story than some but yeah, there's no dead babies. It's

(09:23):
gotta be bad. It's gotta be bad. I do want
to see. I want to show of hands who hears
as a kid, had them or their parents spend money
on sea monkeys or X ray specks. That's a good number.
You that's fun. Remember these numbers, these these hands in
the air. Yeah, he's a solid ghost stealer. The object

(09:48):
recording this event he bought off of a ghost detective. Yes,
that's not a joke, that's a thing. That's just that
just happened. So if this recording works out, there is

(10:10):
a decent chance we will get to hear the ghost
of Saddam Hussein react to this podcast, which I'm very
excited about. Yeah, I know that that's exactly where he
would end up. Yeah, you would hope. There's a lot
of Derrito's in this town. So well, I'm just I'm
just gonna I'm just gonna roll into it, Howard or sorry, Harold,

(10:33):
We're up to a fucking great start. This is These
are the things that Sophie normally protects the audience from,
protects me from, um my incompetence. She is not here
right now, which means someone's going to get badly injured
and I am going to funk up even more than usual.
So heads up, Harold. Nathan Brownhood was born on March

(11:04):
thirty one nine in New York City, the city where
these bagels are not from. His parents, Jeanette Cohen and
Edward Brownhod were Jewish. This will become very important later on.
They had moved to Manhattan from Memphis. Jeannette's family was
in the toy business and his father ran a printing shop.

(11:24):
Herman Brown, they went from Memphis to Manhattan. Yeah, yeah,
you could afford to do that back in the day. Yeah.
If I was Jewish and lived in Memphis, I would.
I can't think of many reasons I wouldn't leave Memphis.
But you know, I'm I'm a little biased that pyramid.
Memphis is the one with the pyramid, right. Also, it's

(11:46):
very dangerous. Yeah, I just don't trust any town with
the pyramid. Um So. Herman Brownhood, Harold's first cousin, recalled
the family is fairly normal for the area, saying, quote,
they were as religious as most other Jews. I know
they went to Synagoge during the Jewish holidays. I believe
he was bar Mitzbud. I probably was there. Again, this
will be very relevant later on in the story. Answer,

(12:15):
I'm sure he did the thing we all do. Yeah.
I was like, I don't know if that's okay. As
a child, Hermann recalled that Harold was always fooling around
with different kinds of gadgets. He had an inventor soul
and a natural understanding of mechanics. He graduated high school

(12:37):
during the height of World War Two and attended business
school in nineteen ninety six. At the time, he lived
in Brighton Beach, a heavily Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn. Are
you guys catching the foreshadowing here? Where this is going ahead? Yeah,
it's not. It's not a good place. Once he was
out of college, Harold bounced around an almost dizzying variety
of careers. He served for a brief time in the

(12:57):
Merchant Marine. Then he became a motors cycle racer, working
under the name the Green Hornet. And I think this
is before that. What what do you mean? That's not
a job. You can't you can't just tell your parents
like race motorcycles. I mean, why not? I just feel
like there's some I mean, Bruce Springsteen did, and look

(13:19):
at him, he's doing great. It is a little weird.
I'm gonna help sell stuff on boats now. A motorcycle
racer from our interact and our stories. Did he hit
his head? I mean, you know he was in the
Merchant marine. So there there's a lot of swinging like

(13:40):
ropes with hooks on him. Yeah, there's a good chance. Yeah,
because it sounds like you go from being on a
boat to being like, I'm just gonna race this motorcycle
for a list. He definitely picked up a couple of
head injuries in the motorcycle racing. Yeah. I don't know
people who commute with motorcycles and don't grab a couple.
Um now, Yeah, I don't anymore about that period of

(14:01):
his life. I wish I could find like a picture
him as the Green Hornet. I want to know what
the costume was. He doesn't either. So Harold also worked
as a stage magician. Under this strong reaction to the
word magician, What how do you feel about magicians, Billy Wayne,

(14:24):
I don't like, I'll understand it's art or whatever. I
don't know. I don't know that art is the term
i'd use. Yeah, it is, it is whatever. Yeah, it's whatever. Yeah,
we can you imagine like he specified stage magician, stage magician. Yeah,

(14:46):
don't trick. I didn't even I didn't even get to
his name. The great Telepo. I think that means he teleported,
but again I have no details on this, but that's
the name he worked on for the Green Hornet immediately terrible.

(15:22):
This one seems to be doing well without your microphone
bringing down the the whole experience. Yeah, it's been great.
This one's doing great now. It's like your microphone was
the enabler. And like this guy is sobered up now
that it's friends like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
all right, we're in business. I mean, I'm always always

(15:44):
the samed You guys, don't turn the microphones on in
the studio anyway, No, Sophie. Sophie's gonna let me like
say the things that can't ever go out on the
air first, the stuff that's bleeped out about what you
should do to Jeff bezoss House, like that shit. Fuck. Okay,
we're gonna have to get a We're gonna have to
get that ship in post um. He heard you say,
Yeah he did. There's an echo in the fucking room.

(16:06):
Yeah heard, he's listening. That's an Amazon machete. If you're
low on toilet paper, it'll order it. I did get
the I did get the studio machete off Amazon, and
it's a beautiful machete. Has got a supply he's got
he has more than I do. Yeah. So uh, back

(16:26):
to Harold. Now that we're fully operation, Harold had magician,
Harold the stage machician, magician machician. That was bad. Harold
segued rather naturally from racing and magician ng towards working
as a talent agent for other performers. Actually, this does
make that that's the first natural that's the first he's done.
That makes sense. You know what, I'm tired of doing

(16:49):
all the bullshit. I'm just gonna sell the guys who
do the bulls. Yeah, yeah, that's a good It's a
good cought. Not a bad kid. His price, his price.
Catch was Henry Lamore, one of the first magicians on television.
Lamore's claim to fame was a yearly scunt where he
would dive from New York's Flatiron Building forty ft down
into a pool of water just twelve inches deep. He

(17:11):
want to guess you know, I impressed by that. I
think I'd want to see it before I gave it
my proper reaction. I mean, the people, the fine people
at Guinness, who we know cannot be bought. UM certified
this as a world record. It is he's like, he

(17:32):
got this many people to believe, so um it would
it would be fair to say, among a couple of
other things that Harold brown Huod so far seemed to
have a passion for performance, But in nineteen fifty seven,
when he was thirty one, his father died. This spurred
him to make a change in his life. Starting in

(17:54):
the late nineteen fifties, Brownhood started inventing, filing patent after
patent for a variety of hitchy toys, products like amazing
hair raising monsters, which were basically a cross between a
troll doll and a chia pet. He had a peculiar
preference for selling live animals to children through the mail,
which is, here's the thing. You don't get to see

(18:18):
the result, and that's why you do something like that. Yeah,
you don't mail a pig to a kid without wanting
to see that kid open that pig. Also, can you
imagine being like, I bought you a horse. Mailman will

(18:42):
be here in four days with he says there's there's
holes in the packages. Well, he didn't sell anything as
cool as horses. One of his inventions was crazy crabs,
which were just normal terrified Heramid crabs male to your
door in a cardboard box. Holy ship. Yeah, he's he's good.

(19:06):
Think he's kind of funny. I'm being honest. So far
nothing to a business. You know, you knock on somebody's door,
off and you run and they're like, who you get him?
What if we left a crab there? How do we

(19:29):
make money? I gotta go? So what? What made Crazy
Crabs special and sellable was the ad copy Harold wrote
for the comic books and kids magazines like Boy's Life,
where he sold his gimmicks. Here's the description he wrote
for his Crazy Crabs. As gentle as a pussycat. It

(19:49):
lives on land instead of water, does not bite unless mishandled.
It loves to be touched unless you touch it. Now
you touch it, it's gonna you don't get near it.
It won't bother you at all. Just leaving the box,
let it die on the on the porch. Yeah you

(20:11):
don't look shit, that's fucking it. Loves to be touched
and petted and a choice running for me. He's awesome.
I love this guy, really good time this guy, he
said it swinging from your fingers or just cuddling your

(20:32):
shoulder from like an adorable tame parrot, like a parrot
firm it perhaps, Oh man, I want that parrot that
can bite you. Does it talk? No? I want to
part with vices for hand. Yeah, that can't think pure

(20:57):
pure nature. I just want That's a toy for a
small here raiding, that's all it think. It's from the
beginning of his career as a toy designer, Harold Brown
had knew that lying to you he's so loose with
the terms of what he's doing. He's he's amazing, he's amazing.

(21:18):
So you wanted a toy and he just hand you
a hermit crabs as an uncle thing to do. That's
his whole target audience is like just half lit uncle's
late for a birthday party. When did you get you?
I got you a legal turtle? Good? So yeah, Harold.

(21:47):
Harold was aware very early on that the key to
making money was lying to children. Still is still yeah. Now,
hermit crabs were a good proof of concept, but you know,
there's only so many kids want crabs, right Like if
cram is in the name, you got a limited. So

(22:08):
Harold had another more ambitious dream. He wanted to male
children packets of Brian shrimp and pretend that they were
aquatic apes. Specific dream specific dream now. The inspiration for
this unique vision came in nineteen fifty seven when he
was in a pet store and saw a buffet of mushrooms.

(22:29):
He was chewing his fucking teeth. I want to go
on his pet start see your business idea. So he's
in this pet store, he's he's a bucket of Brian
shrimp being sold as fish food, not as pets, because
they're not pets, and he's Yeah. For the record, Brian

(22:51):
shrimp are very tiny. They're almost invisible to the naked eye.
When magnified, they look like a weird cross between a
centipede and a sea horse. They do not look any
logistic creatures. No rational person would consider them interesting by
the standards of most pets, but Harold thought Brian shrimp
were the perfect animal to sell and moss to children

(23:14):
around the country. You know who's dumb as hale, fucking
kids people. You can make those sons of bitches due
by anything. We don't know anything. You see how well
lawn darts did. Fuck dumb, He would later tell an interviewer.
I was always interested in wildlife and I was looking

(23:36):
for something that would interest and I was looking for
something that would interest other people in it. What do
you even say to that? You just even if you're
the journalists, you're just like, man, what are you doing?
You are full of ship God, I gotta print this.

(23:56):
So he started research later that year, in between working
on games like Older Dash and patenting, but with proof clothing.
For three years he experimented. He was a busy fucker
for three years. Don't have to prove the patent work, no, No,
you just gotta sell it. Yeah. Yeah, there's no internet
back then, so no, he's gonna come and be like,

(24:18):
there's a problem with this bulletproof shirts. Yeah. So for
three years he experimented with Brian shrimp but trying to
figure out ways to essentially freeze dry their eggs so
they could be safely ship. How long was working on this?
Three years? Three years? Three? It's hard, Okay, I'll give

(24:40):
it to him. It's not easy. There's a level of
like just sticking to it. No, he's not a lazy man,
because three years a long time to be like, how
am I gonna freeze these this fish food? All the
history is built by men and women with visions because

(25:02):
but they're not that stupid. Yeah, this is uh, this
is this is this is. This was a quest of
love for him. He loved the idea of selling Brian
shrimp to children. Uh and he yeah, he eventually figured
it out. Now, in nineteen sixty, his mom died of
a car crash, and later that year he revealed the
first iteration of what would prove to be his greatest innovation,

(25:25):
Instant Life, Essentially a packet of dry Brian shrimp eggs,
he sold forty nine cents. Now, at this stage, the
product did not work well. Harold later recalled keeping them
alive was a terrible struggle. So he makes them, but
they're they're still dying like like all the time. Jesus Well,
I mean they're Brian shrimp. I mean I understand. But still,

(25:46):
it's like the way he talks about it was kind
of just like just they die so fast. You can
hear him. It's terrible. They're real screamers. I'm blood lad.
My experiments didn't make him live longer, but it made
him real yelling. Yeah, yeah, you freeze him. It makes

(26:14):
him wild. Now, Harold promised Instant Happiness to the children
who purchased as Brian Shrimp, but his sales were less
than impressive. Even a kids like fuck off, fuck off, Yeah,
I don't. I don't want your fucking Brian instant have
you don't got cocaine? That would be the first Amazon

(26:36):
review today. Yeah. There were two problems. The first was
that the name Brian Shrimp did not inspire wonder in
the hearts of children. Brian is a bad marketing word
as a as a rule. The second was that all
the Brian shrimp he's sold kept dying. It was considered
incredibly lucky for just two of the little critters to
survive for thirty days. Not content to nature. Lucky. Yeah,

(27:00):
mag you got a puppy and it lived for thirty days,
You're like, that's pretty lucky. I mean that's when they're
at their cutest. How long do you need them after that?
I like, like this, I was pretending you guys, there's
no dead puppy. There's no real dead puppy. Now, Billy Win,
We're we're like maybe ten years off from a service
where they mail thirty day puppies to your house and

(27:20):
then you get a new puppy thirty days later. When
that one just sort of I wish that's so. Amazon
Genetics is working on it right now. It's a thirty
dollars laughing because they know it's true. This is coming,
this is going happening right now. Everyone's like, stop talking
about the future. Yeah, we're trying to be funny, and
you guys are like, it's gonna happen. Jeff Bezos was

(27:43):
at Christmas pretending to be a human for one brief
night when a friend of us said, I wish my
puppy could stay this way forever, and he was like,
I know how to fucking monetize this ship. Yeah, that's
how he sounds when he walks. So Like like all

(28:03):
great heroes in history, Harold was not content to let
nature beat him, so Mr brown House teamed up with
a marine biologist, Anthony d Agnostino, a micro crustacean expert.
They started claiming they'd invented a hybrid species are Temi
and Nios especially bred to be sold over the mail
to children. Brian shrimp already have eggs that essentially go

(28:26):
dormant in the right circumstances. Brown Hut and d Agostino
claimed their hybrid was even more survivable able to spend
weeks in the state of suspended animation. Brown had also
invented a mixture of what he called magic crystals. These
helps you know it's good science when the word magic wrong. Uh.

(28:48):
These apparently helped keep the Brian shrimp eggs alive. Now
it's still rather unclear to me if all this talk
of hybrids was complete bs or not. Almost certainly, but
the Brian shrimp sold by brown Hood and the Agostino
from the point forward showed a markedly greater tolerance for
you know, shipping, and nobody really knows how they did it. Now.
Making the Brian shrimp more survivable was only one part
of the plan. Harold also had to invent a unique

(29:11):
lie to sell children. On the idea, he started packaging
his Brian shrimp and two little packets. The first was
labeled a water purifier, although it was actually just Brian
shrimp eggs. Harold's instructions were to pour this into the
water first and then let it sit for a few days.
During this time, unbeknownst to the child, the Brian shrimp
would sneak in sorry, just the way unbeknownst to them,

(29:36):
he'd sneak in their house they'd hatch and they would grow. Now,
the second packet, which supposedly contained Brian shrimp eggs, was
actually nothing more than die, which stained the now grown
Brian shrimp and made it look like they were appearing instantly.
That was a pretty fucking smart cod Like, that's a

(29:57):
good idea, I w waste of fucking energy. Why no,
you gotta impress the kids. They're not gonna stay impressed.
I mean, used to take it this far. It's so like,
do you think his friends are like, are you still
doing the thing? I mean, I hate to say it,
but he did make millions of dollars. There is one

(30:20):
friend who's like the whole time, like I told you
you could do it. Yea. He will go to waterpark again.
We're going to Maui this weekends. I love it. So
Harold's next and probably greatest innovation was to create a
bald face but beautiful lie about what his Brian shrimp were.
He hit upon the name sea monkeys and hired a

(30:41):
future Marvel artists to draw colorful depictions of humanoid looking
aquatic creatures for his comic book Adsture. So he used
that to get his Marvel job. Yeah, I think so
this is this is the hea. Do you want to
describe those sea monkeys to the audience. I mean they
look like if like you split the cone head's head
open and then ah, I mean they have like human features,

(31:09):
which is very strange, very unsettling. Yeah, and then but
they're they're also like lizard like. There's not monkey to them. Really,
they look vaguely ape like you know, but I mean
they have a not the dad's doing well. They have
an underground castle. Family looks happy. He's got a castle.

(31:32):
Definitely as a cat. It looks like they've got a
gardener because the plants are very nice around a couple
of kids. Yeah, you can see the idea, like by
these Brian shrimp and you'll have because that's what he
used his resume, Like, what have you done? You seen
this ship? Seen this ship? Everybody has these fucking monkeys. Yeah.

(31:56):
So I'm gonna read a little bit from the ad copy,
which was written by her old Brownhood himself. So eager
to please, they can even be trained always clowning around
these troublesome pet troll sorry trollicksom which is not a word,
pet swim stunt and play games with each other because
they are so full of tricks, you'll never tire up
watching them. And raising sea monkeys is so easy even

(32:17):
a six year old can do it without help. Sea
monkeys eat very little, and they keep their waters so
clean they require only a minimum care. Although they love attention,
Anyone who enjoys the company of petch will adore sea monkeys.
Best of all, we even show you how to teach
them to obey your commands like a pack of friendly
trained seals. He's having fun, he's having a great time,

(32:41):
and up to this point, I'm totally on board with
I wouldn't hang out with him a lot. What is
what's the best lie you've told a child? Not my children? Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
But we did convinced my younger sister that we found

(33:03):
her under a rock, and then we found out years later.
She wasn't even upset. She just considered herself very lucky
because we probably loved one year, like Christmas or something.
I remember when you convinced you that you're living under
rock and we found you, and she was like, yeah,
I just thought, God, I'm lucky they found me. See,

(33:31):
you could have monetized that impulse. Billys rich fucking guy.
So Harold also hit upon the idea of selling his
sea monkeys with a two year life insurance policy, because
there's nothing kids love more than life, and oh my god,
so we play it every month, okay every month. Now
this all worked. Sea Monkeys took off like gangbusters, and

(33:53):
millions of little children, including like about a third of
the audience, it seems, herng their parrants for the one
or however much it was in your day it would
take to build their own marvelous underwater civilization. Most of
those kids were profoundly disappointed by the tiny, gross looking
little monsters that grew from the kids, but enough became
obsessed with Brian shrimp that there are still fan sites

(34:14):
for sea monkeys today. This is the thing people are into. Um.
Although Roy or someone in the audience when you said
there's still people that do it today just went, what
you know what the internet is, it's Nazis and weird

(34:34):
ship like this like, sea Monkeys, were an enormous success.
Hundreds of thousands of kids were sent out, netting millions
of dollars for Harold Brownhood and the Transience Corporation, his
partners in the venture. With this massive success, under his belt.
Harold began to put out other hit products. He invented
X ray specs, which he claimed her glasses that imparted
X ray vision to the wearer. Adds for the specs

(34:56):
inevitably showed. See this is how, this is how fucking
incompetence I am. Without the fucking paper, I'm useless. I
don't have the talent that this guy has that I got.
Just got paper. You know what, Billy? In here? You
know what, Billy. We are on page four and if
I know one thing about the number four, it means
that we should hit some bagels with some missions. Okay, yeah,

(35:17):
I think I didn't. Robert sent me in text today
he was like, did you get permission to do the
machete and bagel stuff? And I was like, I just
figured it's better to ask for forgiveness than yeah, yeah,
permission on that stuff. I'll just know from the past
when you're like, can I bring a machete, they always
say no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Billy, the dangerous thing

(35:41):
about serving the bagels, because we have a mic in
one hand, is that you've got to serve with your
machete hand, which means there's a chance the machete is
gonna go flying. Now. They're rusty. Awesome, but that's not
a plus. Tetanis feels good. Yeah, a little bit of
lock Jaws helps with I'm gonna whack it down. I
don't whack it this way. I love serving on zero

(36:04):
eleven tennis. Okay, you hit it though, Yeah, I think
just enough to piss it off. There's nothing more dangerous
than piste off throwing bagels. Oh, you're doing it the

(36:25):
responsible way because you care about the audience. I know.
I'm want to throw it like this so you get
a good rate. No, don't. I also want to do
it like this, all right, all right? Oh yeah, just
so much. I feel it. I feel like I'm probably

(36:45):
more relaxed than you know, as a person. That's probably true. Yeah,
I felt okay about that. Yeah, I mean I'm out
of sighter. But so we've got plenty, we have so
many of you guys, Thank you. I assume this is

(37:08):
a collective manifestation of will from the audience. I was
in Alaska one time, okay, speaking of grifters. Yeah, I'm
in Alaska a bunch. It's awesome. Uh, they got a
good spirit up there. But I was, I was, I
put a beer down. This is back when I used

(37:28):
to drink. I put a beer down, and three minutes later,
four beer showed up on stage because people in the
like four different people. As soon as I was done
with my beer, like, get him another one? He could
uh when I was like, Alaska is awesome. It's great.

(37:49):
It's it's it's a it's it's great because it's one
of the states that's testing vaguely what what you b
I could be. And I had a discussion online with
some people about Andrew Yang's plan for universal base IT income,
and one thing I said is that if you get
a problem with how many A R fifteens there are,
wait until how many more there are when people getting
a thousand dollars a month from the government. And somebody
from Alaska chimed in and said, we get like four

(38:11):
thousand bucks from the government every year, and yet people
spend it all on gun. Yes, everyone in armed in Alaska.
It's awesome. It's great, it is awesome. Yeah, now we
should we would probably get back to this whole. I know,
I just want to go to Alaska. Now, you know

(38:33):
what we could do? We should do a show there.
They don't even they don't even care what we're doing.
They're just happy when people show up. Oh man, we
could get bear guns. You gotta have a bear gun
in Alaska. It's safety because like a seatbelt for bears.
And also and also people, yeah, and people, so okay, yeah,

(38:53):
adds for the X rayspects. We're talking about X rayspects,
Harold Brownett's other genius invention, um now adds for these specs.
It's inevitably showed a sleazy looking seventies man leering at
a woman in address. The implication, of course, is that
if you buy these X respects, you yeah, exactly here
you get they would sound like the like to like

(39:15):
boy Scouts and be like you want to look under
girls close by these glasses. This is the boy Scouts
and we're fine. Face it was. That is true, it's
it was a wild time gay. No, then you get
your ass kicked, get out of here. No, no, now. Obviously,
in reality they were not X rayspects. That would also

(39:38):
be horribly dangerous. There would be so much more cancer
if they were really X ray glasses. Um, they were
just a gimmick that basically created a double vision illusion
that made it look sort of like you could see
into your own hand. It was like a bunch of
slits into the plastic and stuff. I don't want to
I don't want to bore you with un slits. Sounds
like it work. Um they did not let you see

(40:02):
through women's clothing. But I'm trying to just talk right there.
I've watched the Mighty Gymstone. Um. Yeah, the specs sold
very well, nonetheless, as did bron HUD's most brilliant invention.
You're gonna like this one. This is his most brilliant
one yet, the Invisible Goldfish. I have some for sale tonight.

(40:30):
Get your money out. He was basically just shipping fish
food and an empty glass. It's amazing. I do have
a friend early on and like just people messing around
with the internet when we were figuring out what it was.
He got kicked off of eBay because he was trying
to sell a ghost in the jar. I laughed for

(40:54):
like two fucking days straight. That guy should have gotten
a fucking TV show. Well, no, and he won't. He
had a good job. He wouldn't quit it to do comedy.
I was so mad at it, and I was like,
people have ever heard He's like I'm in charge of people,
and I was like, you need to be out there
doing stuff. The world needs you. He's so fucking funny. Yeah,

(41:18):
it was really good. Also, the the Invisible Goldfish came
with a hundred percent guarantee that you would not see
the fish, which was the really easy to like, Yeah,
I told you, yeah, you fucking goldfish and though visible, Hey,
so you can't even fail him sometimes. Now, at this point,
we've all had fun with Harold Brown's story, But the

(41:40):
worst thing you could say about him is that his
products were a little bit of a scam, playing on
the reality distortion field generated by comic books and the
desire of small children to believe in wonderful things. But
of course, this is not just the story of a
man who scammed some kids out of their allowance money.
You see, Harold Harold Brown hood lived a second life

(42:01):
outside of the bustling world of shitty comic book scam toys,
and he funneled the profits from Sea Monkeys and X
ray Spects and Invisible Goldfish towards a very specific political end. Now,
I want to get a show of hands who spent
money on any of these products. Come on, get him
back up, Get him back up, get him back up,
all right, keep him in the air. That specific political

(42:23):
end was national socialism. Yeah, he's a fucking Nazi. Tanks
a lot you guys, thanks a lot. A lot of
people just learned. They helped fund the Area Nations tonight,

(42:44):
Jesus Christ. I just think that, what are you gonna
do to your millions? I got some plans? Oh shit,
he did, because like the way he sold stuff is

(43:05):
the way that preachers work. Yeah, it's like they it's
like at the end of a comic book, which is like, oh,
it's a crazy fucking story, and you're all worked up,
and at the end you're like, hey, here's some ship
for three dollars, right, you got me? Yeah, and then
Nazism and then yeah yeah, and then he's like, you
know what the Jews, of which he was. Yeah. Now,

(43:29):
starting at some point after the nineteen sixties, he changed
his name from Harold Brownhood to Harold Vaughan Brownhod. There
we go, subtle Germanism, yea. Now, the Vans suggested he
came from German noble blood and was thus a true
Arian rather than a working class Jewish kid from Manhattan.

(43:49):
This is fifteen years after the stuff. Yeah. Yeah, in
the sixties is like right when they're taking off actually, okay, yeah,
this is the height of sea monkeys. Yeah, sixties, seventies. Yeah,
he's he's he's he's doing well, he's okay. Yeah, he's
a Nazi. Yeah, but he was before. Yeah. Now, I'm

(44:12):
not really sure why Harold changed his name, and I'm
not really sure at what point he became enthralled with
um national socialism. Um. I would guess after you make
a crazy amount of money from selling dumb ship two kids, Yeah,
you start buying into your own bullshit a little bit,
so you're like, I'm bonn Man And you know who

(44:36):
else was good at selling bullshit too, kids? Hitler? Hitler
the King. Yeah. Now, what we do know is that
Harold was not particularly shy about his infatuation with fascism.
He lined his personal study with a poster autographed by
Hermann Gering and an inscribed picture of Benito Mussolini. Don't

(45:00):
Salini like pretty cool? Right, that's the worst of the fascist.
If you want to know how much I like fascism, like,
he was bad. That's the fucking carrot top of fascism.
And I've got him on my wall. I got it,
that's my guy. Pretty cool, right. He spent some of

(45:24):
his Sea monkey money on a rare print of a
World War Two Luftwaffe aircraft signed by four top Nazi
ace pilots. Where do you even get gun shows? You get?
You buy that at a gun show. I know exactly.
You buy that at a gun show in Dallas, Texas.
I've seen that on sale. Yeah, yeah, it was just
some dude's barn or it grants pass like like that

(45:51):
was a great reaction, Like, yeah, we all know Josephine.
Yeah that's very actor. I don't like how accurate that is. Yeah.
In short, he had the kind of office that only
a Nazi or a very specific kind of podcast host
would have. I I do have a gearing original, but

(46:13):
it's it's a tasteful nude. Yeah, I don't. I don't
like him. I don't like him for the bombing of Britain.
I like him for his opiate addiction. He was a
real artist when it came to being addicted to painkillers.
One of one of the best, one of the best.
You know, You've got to separate the art from the artist,
that's all I'm gonna say, yeah. It seemed to affect

(46:36):
him a little bit, seemed to have affected London to Yeah.
He later get to his head. Yeah. Now, it's possible
that Harold's growing Nazism was responsible for his divorce from
his first wife. Maybe, why do you want to divorce
your husband? He's a Nazi? You know what, We're not
even going to deal with the paperwork. Yeah, don't the

(47:03):
extra I expect money. He keeps the Sea monkey money.
They had one child together, a boy who she took. Now,
some journalists who reported on him later in life did
manage to get in touch with his first wife. She
claimed to be quote unaware of his other activities, despite
their occasional contact, which may have been drew. Maybe not.

(47:25):
She got out. So I'm not gonna I'm not gonna
not gonna labor too long on that. We'll talk about
his second wife a little bit. Now, what's the nine
seventies rolled around? Those other activities that Harold was involved
in included membership in the Arian Nations. Now, if you
haven't heard about these dudes, the Area Nations are based
up in Hayden Lake in the Great may not be

(47:45):
the right word in the state of Idaho, um, it's there. Yeah,
you and a lot of members of the Area Nations.
Actually they weren't there that night. They were not there.
There was just one scared kids and just me going,

(48:09):
you mean I can't smoke. You can't smoke in jail.
You can smoke in prison. I was like, well, let's
go to fucking prison. I want to say. They thought
it was pretty funny, and I knew I was gonna
get out in the morning so I could beat a
little bit of a smartass, you know what I mean?

(48:30):
M hm. Now, the Aryan Nations had started off as
a single church in the Christian identity tradition. For those
of you who don't know what that means, Christian identity
beliefs focus around a couple of core concepts. Number one,
white people are the real Israelites. Number two, Jewish people

(48:54):
are faking it. And number three, that's funny. You guys
are fake. Yeah, you guys are fake, and we're the Israelites.
Your dad's Satan. Yeah, that's it in a nutshell. Why,
that's that's a weird speech. Ye. Can you show your work?

(49:19):
How did we come to these conclusions? You know that
they can billy, but it's just going to be a
pamphlet of why the courts aren't real because they're trying
you under a flag of admiralty. That is, you're saying, well,
can are you that? That sounds right? I don't even
know what it means. Now. In nineteen fifty seven, the
same year A Board Harold come up with his famous

(49:40):
seal mummified Brian shrimp eggs to children plan. The founder
of the church, a dude named Wesley Swift, settled on
a name Church of Jesus Christ Christian because fascists are
not very creative people. Now in the late nineteen seventies, Yeah,
it's a good name, Jesus Christ Christian. It's strange, like
you have do you call it anything? Yeah? And he's

(50:02):
like Jesus Christ Christian. I mean, it's like it's either
it's either we go to the Church of Jesus Christ
Christian up in Hayden Lake, or we drive five and
a half hours to the movie theater we're in the
middle of Idaho. Yeah, I guess because I didn't have
enough money for gas. Now, in the late nineties seventies,

(50:28):
a guy named Richard Butler took over and he moved
the church to a big compound in the woods the area.
Yeah yeah, I mean, look, we're not against We're all
fans of compounds in the woods here. That that's that's
that's why we do most of what men do to
get a compound in the day, I'll have it in
the woods. That's why I'm moving towards my career goal

(50:48):
of becoming a freelance cult leader tax situations. You want
to full time, y'all, y'all need a leader. I'm pretty
free for more months. I can do it hours a week.
Only do weird sex ones though that's only want well,
of course, yeah, yeah, I ain't in the murder cults.

(51:09):
I don't do that. The area Nations would be a
central location in virtually every act of white supremacist terrorism
that occurred from the end of the nineteen seventies up
until two thousand one. Butler himself is an interesting guy,
and we're definitely gonna we're gonna be talking about Richard
Butler in a future episode. But for now, what's most

(51:30):
important is that you know his middle name was Guerrant,
which I think is objectively guerrant, Like nobody's fucking g
I R n T. That's fucking stupid. It explains the anger. Yeah,
I would be pissed. Yeah, he's mad. Yeah. Also, if
you're gonna start like a what supremacy thing like that,

(51:51):
you need to do it in the woods, you gotta
do in the woods because they don't need to see
any other people. I guess we are the bet. There's
nobody else with a it's just us and the other day.
I don't think we're the base. He just shoots the

(52:12):
TV so old Garrant. Butler grew up in Los Angeles, California.
He majored in aeronautical engineering. In his youth, he was
a member of the Silver Shirts, an American fascist organization
that we're basically the Proud Boys of the nineteen thirties.
He had a successful career as an engineer, and he
moved to Idaho in the mid fifties in order to

(52:33):
become the human center of American fascism. Like Harold, he
was an inventor. Butler held the American and Canadian patents
for quick Repair Tobe Bliss tires. So that's neat to
what quick repair to Bliss tires? That's pretty cool. Yeah,
it's pretty It's a weird thing, to be guess. You
got tires. You're funding the Nazis too. I don't know,

(52:54):
I don't know how tires work. Maybe we moved on. Yeah.
In the Latin nineteen seventies and early nineteen or sorry,
the late nineteen seventies and early nineteen eighties was a
time of growing activity and extremism from the fascist rite.
In nineteen seventy nine, the KKK attempted to kick a
bunch of Vietnamese refugees out of the town of Sea
Drift on the grounds that they were too good at
crab fishing. Hundreds of clansmen from around the country rallied

(53:16):
and Sea Drift boats. You gotta problem with that, billy,
That's the reason they gave. Yeah, you guys are too
good at fishing. It turns out they were not fans
of the free market. But could you understand how in
saying that complaint is like where the superior race? You
guys are too good at this thing. You're like, I'm okay,

(53:42):
I don't even know where to start. We're just gonna
go keep crab fishing, okay. So hundreds of clansmen from
around the country rallied and Sea Drift boats were burned.
People were attacked uniformed KKK members patrolled the coast with rifles.
All this came a matter of weeks after the Greensboro massacre,
in which claims sman murdered five communist activists in North

(54:02):
Carolina and got off essentially scott free. That same year,
Harold von brown Hut, inventor of Sea Monkeys, was arrested
on an illegal weapons charge in La Guardia Airport. The
cause of the arrest was a device he had patented
earlier that year, a spring whip defense mechanism he marketed
as the Kiyoga Agent M five. It was essentially a

(54:22):
telescoping baton for beating people with. Now, the ads for
the ko invented I thought about hitting people with a stick,
but at first was his hard and it was like
and now I made it. I do live in the woods.

(54:43):
Why now? The ads for the Kioga Agent M five
started with this text. When your capital letters worse to nightmare,
but comes capital letters real and suddenly you are face
to face with a mugger capital letters. You don't need

(55:05):
a gun, no self defense device that you can get
without a license. It can make you safer or give
you more protection. Strike down any attack of regardless of
sizer strength with capital letters, kiyoga, the steel cobra. Hell yeah,
he knew his audience. Yeah, I'm not mad at him
for that. Billy Way, I got a cobra. Wanna magic

(55:28):
stick like that. I'm gonna show you the ad for
the kid. What don't you describe to It's I mean,
it just looks like the It looks like a B
movie cover from the seventies. It's like a Richard Branson,
not Richard Brnchard Bronson. I would say the guy in
the cyner looks a little bit like Ringo, but yeah,
maybe Bronson is a better pick. Yeah, I mean I

(55:50):
think that's who they're trying to go, but it does. Yeah,
it just looks like a Beatle version of him. And
then there's like a mummy, and then there's a guy.
There's like a woman, like a sexy woman just about
to knock to shut out of a dude, and there's
like a nerve with sticks are conspicuously white, and all
of the muggers are indeterminate. They have been in the

(56:13):
sun longer, which is very Yeah, it's very clear. There's
no risk though. Ninety day free trial. So the big
text on the ad. Just walk around and some people
and if you don't like it, send it back. Like
a quarter of the page is just the all caps,

(56:34):
high font words you don't need a gun, which I
can think of very few things that are good that
start that way. You'll need a gun. You don't need
a gun. But under here it's it's so effective, it's
almost too good to be true. A thunderbolt of life

(57:01):
saving power at your command. Fucking it's remarkable. It's remarkable.
I mean, just advertisers today are just lazy guy your ship.
They're just garbage. There's some links at the bottom beginning

(57:22):
you don't need a gun, Disney World, right, hold on,
go on now. The Kiyoga Agent telescoping beat stick was
a product Almost Taylor made for American neo Nazis, many
of whom had pre existing criminal records and we're unable
to legally purchase firearms. The actual ad advised the weapon

(57:46):
as a purchase for people who might need a gun
but can't get a license. Are you too much of
a criminal for a pistol? Did the government find out
what a piece of ship you are? Week right now,

(58:12):
Jesus pride, it's not dumb. It's just evil. Yeah, no,
it is it. Yeah. Now, the Kiyoga M five was sold,
among other places, in Spotlight magazine, a Holocaust de Nio
publication started by Willis Carto, founder of the Liberty Lobby
and basically our great nation's first Richard Spencer. We'll come
back to this in a little bit. So police at

(58:35):
LaGuardia arrested Von Brown Hunt for carrying six ki Yoga's
through the airport. In court, his lawyer successfully defended him
by arguing that this telescoping baton was quote not a
bludgeon and thus did not meet the definition of a
banned weapon. The actual ad promised it's hornet's nest of
piano wire steel springs, inflicting scruciating agony, but apparently that

(58:57):
did not qualify it as a bludgeon. He is a bludgend.
What he didn't say, bludgend? What agony could be anything?
Heartbreak can cause you agony? Yeah, you lose this thing.
He's so sad. Now, Harold may have actually been saved

(59:17):
by his complete incompetence as an inventor. During the court case,
his art his lawyers staged demonstration where they hit somebody
with the baton to prove that it was actually a
really shitty weapon. So part of his defense was literally
like I did such a bad job that this doesn't
count as a weapon. Hit hit me, you know what?

(59:39):
Hit him with you. He's like that guy who who
promised to drink the what was it that that round
up fertilizer or something? Oh no, no was that? Huh?
Someone had the name glyco phosp faith. That's the fucking thing.
But with a little bit more follow through, not much more,
a little bit more. I'll do do it. Yeah, I'll

(01:00:00):
do it. I'll have him do it. I'll have this
guy my lawyer hired do it. Do it now. In
September of nine, a white supremacist terror group called The
Order was formed during a meeting of the Area Nations
in Hayden Lake. This group would go on to commit
several murders and rob more than four million dollars, some
of which was spent on heavy weaponry for the KKK

(01:00:22):
and neo Nazi groups, armored cars and ships. I think
that's what funded them before the armored car robberies. Yeah. Now,
in September of nineteen eighty four, when the Order was
you know, rolling rolling, right, along, the Area Nations hosted
another conference. The pamphlets from that time listed a number

(01:00:42):
of outstanding Area Nationalist leaders for praise. One of them
was Harold von brown Hut, inventor of Sea Monkeys. Since
the Area Nations was a gathering of different fascist groups
and all the different leaders singled out were listed as
belonging to separate organizations, Harold was noted as the leader
of the Imperial Order of the Black Eagle. I mean, yeah,

(01:01:03):
my son makes up a lot of weird names too,
That's what it is. Also, was this like a group
of neo Nazi people? Thank you, John? So this is
like a meeting of different ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's
it's like a bunch of different ones. I mean, there,

(01:01:25):
I understand that. But do you think at one point
during that meeting, they're like, are you the Sea monkey guy? Yes, mom,
Sea Monkeys? It hell yeah, you know, just because they're
not there are the they're those type of dudes, you know,
they're like there are a lot of like backwoods dudes
like millionaire made see see people pussy with eyes. Just

(01:01:49):
that kind of conversation went on. Do you know what
I mean? You know what the to recognize them. These
guys would have had to have read a comic book.
Well touche now uh. The Imperial Order of the Black
Eagle met in New York City in the early nineteen

(01:02:09):
eighties in a place called the Estonian House in Manhattan.
Speakers they hired included Robert Miles, a Christian identity theologist
to in nineteen seventy one was convicted of a bomb
plot to stop the integration of public schools in Michigan.
In the early nineteen eighties, Miles became the chief patron
of a philosophy known as the Northwest Imperative, which is

(01:02:30):
the idea that since the Pacific Northwest is the whitest
part of America, Nazis out to just moved there in
mass and take it over. Now. An Imperial Order newsletter
written by von Brownhood described Robert Miles as a famous
opponent of the Communist Zionist conspiracy who is nationally known

(01:02:50):
and rightist political movements that reflect the highest names and
ideals of the white race. Is a big, big fan
of Robert Miles. Now. In February, shortly after the Order
dissolved in a series of gunfights and betrayals, Harold Bond
Brownhood spoke on behalf of Reverend Butler at an Area
Nations meeting at a Washington chariton. That's where you want
to do that fucking mating is a Sharitan. There's just

(01:03:13):
like one family on vacation at that shared in there,
like this is a weird shared in. Hey, honey, you
notice how many guys with weird haircuts. I don't remember
Nazis existed anymore, but this whole Sharton has a lot
of Nazis. One of them hit me with a stick,

(01:03:35):
but it didn't really hurt all that. But it didn't
hurt at all. I'm not sure. He just right off
and he said the agony. I just look, that's my
favorite part of some antiquity, like the way they think.
And then we'll go to Shritan. I'll like it. It's nice.
It's nice, you know that. What they do is they

(01:03:58):
do a good job again in the coffee at on
time like that and in yourself. And they're good for
Stalen and my other group. I'm Laparta. Now. The cause
of the day at the Sheraton meeting was the repeal
of the Fourteenth Amendment, which made black people equal citizens
with equal protection under the law. At the meeting, one

(01:04:20):
white supremacist attendee recalled Von brown Hut as a guy
who didn't want too much exposure. He was kind of
a mysterious guy. He made his statement in favor of
the separation of races, and he got out. Keep him apart,
I gotta go. Later in von brown Hut wound up

(01:04:42):
in legal proceedings again, this time is part of the
indictment of an Ohio klansman Grand Dragon, Paul R. Roach,
who was charged with violating federal gun laws. Von brown
Hut was not actually charged in this for reasons I
can't explain, but he was accused of giving Roych eleven thousand,
nine hundred and fifty four dollars of Sea Monkey money,
which Roych used to purchase eighty three semi automatic pistols

(01:05:05):
and rifles allied it. He probably shipped him the same
way he did the Crabs. He's knocked on a door
or ann, and I said four pistols. That's what I said.

(01:05:26):
According to the Washington Post quote, Assistant U S Attorney
Thomas M. Bower, who prosecuted Roych, said the defendant and
Von Brownhood, we're friends. He said. Von Brownhood was prepared
to testify at the trial that he had lent Roych
the money for the purchase and then took possession of
the guns to secure the loan. The trial was called
off after Roych pleaded guilty to one count of illegally
transporting firearms across state lines. Von Brown Hunt was very

(01:05:50):
cooperative and pleasant with us. Bower said, he brought some
of his toys along, including the Sea monkeys. They check
him out, This guy about twelve tho dollars and guns
for a Nazi. But look at these little guys. They'll
dance if you poke them. As the ladies panty again.

(01:06:18):
That was the assistant U S attorney by Harold Von
Brownhood was will the funck into his support of the
American fascist movement. Still going strong Man now. That year,
his homie, Richard Butler wound up dealing with a lawsuit

(01:06:38):
as a result of the fact that he headed up
a violent hate movement that murder people. The Sea Monkey
inventor decided to help his friend by dedicating a chunk
of the profits from the sale of his Kioga agent,
M five telescope and baton to Butler's legal defense. In
a newspaper to his followers. Butler noted that the manufacturer
has made a pledge of twenty five dollars to my
defense fund for each one soul to air in Nation supporters.

(01:07:01):
He advises people to write and in small letters in
the order for him in order to ensure the funds
were properly located. So that's good, right, It's nice helping
a buddy out. Hi, man, Hey, you know, I don't
like asking for favors, but you know how I'm trying
to start a rice war. People are rolled up at

(01:07:26):
me about that government government. Could I have some of
that money? You have the beaten money and the monkey money.
I'll tell you something, I ain't above taking the monkey money.
I'll be in the brochure. Butler called the Kyoga a

(01:07:48):
fine article for self protection, and all whites are going
to need all the protection they can get in the
near future. That same year, Harold von Brown had conducted
an interview with the c at All Times where I guess,
to his credit, he spoke honestly about his racist beliefs.
He described his hatred of inscrutable slanty Korean eyes and said,

(01:08:09):
you know what side I'm on. I don't make any
bones about it. He did not any goddamn bones. Bones,
silbones children, you sell them pre bones. It'll grow now,

(01:08:30):
as you might expect. The fact the inventor of ex
respects and sea monkeys was buying arms and fundraising for
literal neo Nazis did not escape the notice of the
mainstream press. The Washington Post, who in that day cared
a little bit more about cantering fascism, put together an
utterly damning article about the toy inventor's Nazi connections, But
that was not the most damning aspect of their coverage

(01:08:51):
of Harold's life. To his eternal shame, the Post revealed
for the very first time that Harold von Brownhood was Jewish. Yeah,
that funked up. It's fucking wild right now. There are
a wide variety of things you would not want to

(01:09:13):
be as a Nazi, but Jewish is probably top of
the list. Yeah, hard to pick a one above that.
I can't I can't really think of anything now. The
Washington Post coverage first revealed the truth behind Harold's parentage

(01:09:34):
and ethnicity. It also included an interview with Irwin Swall,
a director for the Anti Defamation League, who said, we've
long been monitoring Harold on Brownhood. He's linked to some
of the most extreme racist and anti Semitic organizations in
the country. He has a reputation of being a generous contributor.
So that's cool, and we're going to talk about you

(01:09:55):
think he was a generous contributor because he was like
he's like, feels guilty. He's like, oh, you guys, once
you find out something, you're gonna be so mad at me.
I think he was buying his way into the cool.
Oh man, when this comes out, you guys here, you're
gonna hate me. Really, I know for a fact you're
gonna hate me. Remember me for the weapons, I thought,

(01:10:18):
Remember not for the religion of my parents. You're gonna
hear something. Think about now we're gonna hear how this
all shook out once the news broke. But you know what,
we gotta shake right now. We're gonna add some fucking
bagels and some nights. If I just what if I

(01:10:40):
just pulled my dick out, You're wrong. It's about to
get weird as hail. It's Portland's everybody just be like
finally and they just take their clothes off. I thought
this was an origy they've been talking for two hours.
This stage is normally dicks from left to right. Yeah, now, no,

(01:11:04):
you don't. That's obscene. That is obscene. You throw packaged
bagels like a decent Christian. Okay, all right, all right,
these are the pumpkin spice ones. No, but how are
you going to serve back if you don't have machette
in your hand? What if I do it? Well, you're

(01:11:25):
not gonna know. We've done this enough. I know what's
gonna happen. Nobody's good at this game. No, this is
not a crowd. Grab another, grab another, Okay, yeah, you
can keep those. I don't want them. I don't like

(01:11:46):
that pumpkin spie, don't. Okay, here we go, and Shannon,
the way you throw it a little, it's not a picture.
He's not a picture. There's equipment. Also, it looks sturdy.
But you know stuff. Well, I mean, someone's got to
be angry at me every time we do this and

(01:12:08):
Sophie's not here. It's your job to be frustrated. It is,
it comes naturally, a thank you? Thank you? Is that
a stool? No, it's not. I don't know where the
funk they went, dude, I don't know either, Like I
don't think about where things are. There's a hole under there. Okay,
thank you or hit them. You're a roadie that you

(01:12:28):
came out of nowhere. That was awesome, all right. It's
wearing a black shirt and he's just like he would
do this, like what's a baseball guyey man? They can
sako that's what You've done more drugs than him. That's
a fit barely. Yes, that's cool. I gotta say that

(01:12:56):
is by far the best that's ever Yeah, that was cool.
You know, we've hit a lot of bagels on this pod.
It's never worked. It's always like that has a let down.
At that time, it was like we did it like
like of the stick is that it's never very good,
Like it's always a big bummer that we build up
for hours. That was actually cool. That was cool. Yeah,

(01:13:19):
glad that happened on the Life Show. I'll beat it
didn't get recorded, no under, no way, no way, no way, no.
This is a beautiful memory that no one else will share.
So back to the Nazis. Well, the Kyoga Baton fundraiser

(01:13:41):
is what first drew mainstream attention to Harold. The reality
is that he was almost certainly funneling tens of thousands
of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars if
his Sea monkey profits into the Area Nations for years.
This continued throughout the nineteen eighties and up until at
least nineteen If you paid for sea monkeys or any
Appareld's other inventions up to this point, you may have

(01:14:03):
contributed to the growth of the Area Nations k groups.
You might have bought those twelve dollars of clan guns.
There's no way to know. Isn't the world awesome? It's great?
Nobody would have guessed that if everyone's thinking of it. Yeah, well,
yeah exactly, But that you guess. You guess that you're like, oh, yeah,
I'm paying for bombs to be dropped on random people.

(01:14:24):
You never guess the money I spent on those sea
monkeys bought Nazi machine guns like that. Nobody calls that ship. Yeah,
where where'd you get that toy? Oh that's not h
on the woods. Somewhere there's some hippie guy who was

(01:14:47):
just like all on buying his X ray specs and
sea monkeys. And that's gonna keep me pure, poor son
of a bitch. Now, tell me two things. I really
believe it in this world now. When Richard Butler, head

(01:15:08):
of the Aryan Nations, was questioned about one of his
major backers being potentially Jewish and thus a direct descendant
of the devil according to his theology, we have a question,
Mr Butler, how do you feel inside? M hm. He

(01:15:30):
cited von Brown Hud as a close friend and a
member of the Aryan race who has supported us quite
a few years. So that's interesting. Yeah, And then he
said something dumb like some something crazy like and if
he was Jewish, I could have smelled it. We we've
basically wind up there at the end. That's what it's always, Yeah,

(01:15:53):
where it's always something like I could see his horns
if you know, you're just like what the lesson here
is that you can't and kind of buy your way
into be in a Nazi. Yeah, yeah, it works. Apparently
it's not good people. They're not they're not they're not
ideologically consistent people. They're not as the rest as you
would have them as they would have you believe. So

(01:16:14):
I guess say what you will about the tenants of
national socialism. It's not always an ethos like when enough
money comes on at the table people. Yeah, it's just
more I just want to hit stuff. So now, in
that article on Harold bon broun Hud, The Washington Post
pointed out that he was far from the only Jewish
Man to ever go full Nazi quote. In nineteen sixty five,

(01:16:36):
The New York Times tough. It was a tough spot
to be in. It's a rough one, man, It's a
tough like hear me out. I think first this has
been going on. You're like, you don't want to be
in that position. I don't think. In nineteen sixty five,
The New York Times disclosed the Jewish identity of Daniel Burrows,
a high ranking klansman and former American Nazi Party member

(01:16:59):
who then shot himself to death. In nineteen Chicago, Nazis
rallied into the leadership of Frank Collin, the son of
a Jewish concentration camp survivor. His family name had been coned.
I know, fucking wild, right, Like, what do you even
say to that ship? It's fucking crazy. Yeah, but my
dad sometimes I had to be home at ten thirty

(01:17:21):
and I was like, I rebailed. Now, it's probably worth
probably worth noting to him or something. You took it
so far, dude. It's worth mentioning that Miloonopolis, a prominent

(01:17:41):
fascist who is a lengthy documented history of conspiring with
neo Nazis to push propaganda, often defends himself from allegations
of being a Nazi by pointing out that he is
gay and Jewish, and as confusing as this seems, neither
of those factors precludes one from being a Nazi. Anyone
can be a Nazi. That's the beauty. Beauty is the
wrong word, but that's Nazism. You just have to have

(01:18:06):
Nazi in your heart. You got it in your heart? Yeah?
Are you hateful for no reason? Are you up in
the morning? Right? There's a lot of hate in here.
We gotta we gotta spot for you. Are you piste
and like flags? We got a thing for you to

(01:18:27):
be Come on down to the market now, uh In.
Harold von Brownhood became ordained on the advice of a
friend what he called a small, ancient church without a
local congregation. He described himself as a priest at large. Yeah, yeah,

(01:18:49):
there's a lot of those still just that large right now.
I don't know what kind of church this was. I'm
guessing either some weird Christian identity congregation and would be
like some you're like ancient Tagan thing like it's hard
to say ancient, right, ancient. It's like they found a
building in the woods, right, this was an ancient church.
And he's like, and I am the preacher here. What

(01:19:15):
we do know for sure is that years before the
Washington Post article, the Anti Defamation League had cut wind
of rumors about von Brownhot's Jewish ancestry. It had been
a topic of discussion and suspicion among the far right,
largely due to his prominent nose. But according that's the
Nazis talking, that's the Nazis talking, Robert. According to a

(01:19:37):
representative of the a d L, they felt he was
a solid, dependable extreme right winger, regardless that he was
one of them, and can be trusted because all the
all the money's well, he gives us money, he gives
us money, We need guns. None of us can work
jobs because he says the families. But I have a

(01:20:02):
feeling it's all the fai swastikas is what's getting this
not hard. Now, it does seem to be true that
whatever his ancestry, Harold von Brownhood was a committed Nazi,
as committed a Nazi, as any whoever goose stepped across
the pages of history. And he had continued to attend

(01:20:23):
the Area Nations gatherings on at least a yearly basis
throughout the nineteen eighties and into the nineteen nineties. He
was a featured speaker on several occasions. More than once
the inventor of sea monkeys lit the burning cross that
signified the height of festivities. Floyd Cochrane, an Area Nation

(01:20:43):
spokesman until he reformed in the yearly nineties, described Brownhood
as having He said he had a big nose um
and that he gives and that this is the fun part.
He'd give long speeches about numerology, and he'd make references
to the Pyramids. It just didn't play very well. So
it was not his personality that made him popular with
the Nazis. He's weird. The woods people are like, I go,

(01:21:08):
I mean, I mean, he was from Memphis. He gave
his money, but he's always talking about like thirty three
Have you seen that? Have you seen that? Jim Carrey?
Maybe now. Harold also started a racist think tank, the
National Anti Zionist Institute, that's just it sounds like an
oxy moron. It does. It's like a racist think tank.

(01:21:31):
What do you think, Hey, yeah, thinking mad? Right now,
that's what I'm thinking. You won't get him, That's what
I'm thinking. Get him. So he he started the National
Anti Zionist Institute in the late nineteen eighties. There he
authored a regular newsletter under the pseudonym Hendrick von Brown,
which was barely a pseudonym, like, not not even really

(01:21:54):
a pseudonym. It's like me calling myself Rob Evans and
like being like nobody's gonna fucking put this caper together. Yeah,
there's so many machetes here, and you call me the
Biden name is my arm my eyes filled with blood

(01:22:18):
because my dentures are in I can feel that part.
Now I'm gonna quote the Washington Post again writing about
Hendrick van Brown, great pseudon um. In the world of
jewels and precious metals, only that which is pure, rare,
and unalloyed is of the highest value. Begins a newsletter
dated nineteen For a full two pages, readers are urged

(01:22:40):
to unite against wogs and mud people, even if that
means giving up their own lives. No one except Jesus
Christ himself has ever managed to live forever. Von Brown writes,
even if you could, what a board it would be
to hang around for a few hundred years not doing
much of anything except watching the racial um make it
make basketballs and sneakers out of Racial's there for Jewish

(01:23:02):
people's skins. Now it's to be super fucking racist. It's
the sea monkeys guy. He's amped it up. Yeah, he's
amped up the he's amped it up. The address, the
address for this newsletter was PO box eight o nine
Brian's Road, Maryland. And if any of you sent off
for sea monkeys, that's the same address you melt your

(01:23:24):
money too. Hey, you don't say you don't keep a
bunch of money opening a bunch of po boxes everywhere. No,
you you pick one, You pick one, and you keep
it for the Nazi stuff and the liar shrimp. So

(01:23:53):
at this point you were getting confused. I said that
kid a Swasti flag. Oh god, if some kid had
just ordered it himself and his dad got it and
it's addressed to him, son, did you buy a luker?

(01:24:15):
Did you did you buy a swaston the flag? Put
it in water. It's supposed to turn into a monkey day.
Holy shit, it's amazing. This is the world we all
live in, all of us. It's crazy. Now at this point,

(01:24:39):
I wonder what some of you are wondering. At least,
did being exposed as a Nazi harm Harald's career as
a toy salesman in any way? The answer is slightly,
but not all that much. Not as much as you
not as much as you'd think for buying arms for terrorists.

(01:25:01):
In Von Brownhood sold the marketing rights to See Monkeys
to a new company, Basic fun isis by the way,
that's that's the hobby Lobby podcast, and that's gonna be
a good one too. So the president of Basic Fund,

(01:25:26):
Alan Dorfman, questioned Von Brownhood about the rumors of his
Nazi past. Harold assured him these were all lies, made
up by a neighbor with whom he was fighting a
property dispute. God, he's great. I mean, he's a terrible
human ban obviously, but also like some of his lives

(01:25:46):
are pretty fun. We're just we're just fighting over but
that's funny, lie, Like, like, look there's an apple tree
we're fighting over. So he told a bunch of neo Nazis.
I was as you and I was like, dude, n cool,
but we're letting a judge just out about luxury. Shortly

(01:26:10):
after the sale of Sea Monkeys to Basic Fun, Harold
attended the July nineteen nine five Arean Nations Congress as
a featured speaker. He went on stage right after Richard
Butler called Jewish people the bacillus of decomposition in our society.
Also speaking that day was Louis Beam, a KKK leader,
the inventor of the term leaderless resistance in one of

(01:26:31):
the top minds behind white supremacist terrorism in the last
half century. Piece of ship. That's what top minds of
Aryan Nation means. Yeah. Catcha Lane was in attendance as well.
She's the wife of jailed Order member David Lane, the
man who coined the fourteen words, which you'll see tattooed
on some hands if you wind up at a protest

(01:26:53):
in this town. Um, there you go. Why does it?
Why does it it? Why didn't Fred Armison do sketches
about that part? They missed that aspect though Portland's adorable
like some of it. Yeah, they could have. They could

(01:27:15):
have added that to the put a bird on it sketch,
But it's one of those Nazi evils on a guy's back. Yeah,
just like I have the Natal three at the skills.

(01:27:37):
I'm in the coal now. Dorfman found out about this
his visit to the Area Nations, and being Jewish himself,
Dorfman immediately ended the professional relationship between Von Brownhook and
Basic Fund. But this was not the end of Sea Monkeys.
A new generation of parents who had grown up with
Sea Monkey kids in the seventies we're now raising young children.

(01:27:57):
There was money to be made in rebranding a living animal,
mail ordered toy sensation and cashing in on nostalgia. Before long,
Harold found another company to market his monkeys, one that
did not care about his Nazi past and present. In November,
he signed a new contract with Educational Insights. Their plan
was to rebrand Sea Monkeys to capture the attention of

(01:28:19):
nineties kids. Rather than portraying them as chubby champanzee looking secrets,
Educational Insights hired illustrators to draw muscular, superhero looking sonkeys
that could appeal to the extreme kids of the mid
ninety nineties. Monkeys, Fuck, they're not starting families, They're just fucking,

(01:28:41):
but they only funk within their race. That'sys. Now. The
most significant change was that sea monkeys would no longer
be illustrated as naked. As one company executive told the
l A Times, I'm fun you gotta hear this. Having
been involved in the marketing to kids, you don't want

(01:29:04):
to introduce that as an area of controversy. Well, if
you have Nazism but not nudism, but don't show them penises,
don't show them penises. They have those. They only need
to see him always buying arms for the clan. Well,
that's his private business. But if there's a nipple on

(01:29:26):
one of those fake monkeys, it really is America and
a goddamn nutshell. He's like, hey, hey, move that naked
lady and get him a gun. Give him a gun.
Put a swastika right on that peck tour right over
the nipple. Now, one month after inking a deal with

(01:29:53):
Educational Insights, Harold von Brownhood officiated the funeral of Betty Butler,
Richard Butler's wife. A reporter with a Los Angeles Times
actually spent a significant amount of time digging into this story,
and I'm gonna quote from him now. The specter of
sea monkey dollars funding hate groups is to be less controversial.
When I approached this topic with Fine and Atamian, two
of the guys who worked at Educational Insights, Atamian confirms

(01:30:15):
that all the higher ups that Educational Insights know about
bon Brownhood's past. He says that everyone in the toy
industry knows about him. The people had sent them the articles,
but that the sea monkeys shouldn't be tainted by their inventor.
Is this any different from the U. S. Government having
normal relations with Germany three four or five six years
after World Wards? It's really different. Kill those guys and

(01:30:38):
then they said, hey, we're not you can't do that anymore,
and that were like and then we were like, okay, cool,
that's cool that you guys realized that was bad. I
hate to say, hey, you guys have some guys in
your country. They're doing what the quote goes on. We're

(01:30:59):
doing business with him on a business basis with a
wonderful product called sea monkeys, and we don't see where
it's relevant. I've never seen evidence of his alleged past behavior,
says Fine. This has absolutely nothing to do with Harold
as a person. It's more to do with who sea
monkeys are and what they can mean in terms of
fun and fantasy for kids and adults of all ages.

(01:31:20):
So I'm just talking to a sociopath, okay. Another member
of the Educational Insights team agreed, what's great? Do you
listen to Wagner? The Israelis wouldn't listen to his music
for all those years, but now they do. If you're yeah,

(01:31:46):
if your response to a question about funding Nazi hate
groups starts with do you listen to Wagner, you're going
in the wrong direction. Hear me out, now, that's all
I got. The article I just quoted from was written

(01:32:07):
in two thousand. For most of the rest of his life,
Harold would two thousand this come on, yeah, for the
most of the rest of his life, and he's here
tonight bringing him out. He's like you got now, they're

(01:32:27):
only each and there is a truck full of clansman
who need guns, so please give generous sad clowns now.
For the rest of his life after the two thousand
or after two thousand, Harold von Brownhood would clam up

(01:32:47):
and refuse to answer when pressed about his Nazi connections
and the undefined put significant amount of money he poured
into funding American fascism. He told the La Times, I
don't have to defend myself to you or anyone else.
I'm hanging up. In an earlier interview with the Seattle Times,
we don't have to tail poop. You're hanging up. You
can just you can just do it. Just do it.

(01:33:08):
They got it. In an earlier interview with the Seattle Times,
he gave a longer answer. I love the United States,
I support the Constitution. I'm a very viable individual. I'm
not sinister at all. That's fucking awesome. You're in a
good spot in your life. When you're like, I'm not

(01:33:29):
sinister at all. You're like, yeah, what did you do nothing?
I'm hanging up now. I mean, we're all laughing at that.
But our president ended a letter yesterday with I'll call
you later. I'll call you later. What that motherfucker's saying.

(01:33:52):
What's what's wild is that in three d years, when
kids are like reading the condensed textbooks of this period,
which will still suck like textbooks today, there oranges and
we took a bad term, they're gonna read about that
letter three paragraphs down from they read about Congress talking
about boofing, like that's gonna be the same fucking page,

(01:34:14):
like fucking wild and at the end it'll it'll just
say and putin died of laughing, And then the teacher
will they put up your books. It's time to boof
again now. Harold von Brownhood spent his last year's running
a wildlife conservatory on his own land in Maryland. He

(01:34:37):
had a great love of animals, and reporters who visited
him during this time reported that he was very Albano
ones though yeah, very specifically. He just like white tigers
and white squirrels. He liked cats, but not most of them.

(01:34:59):
Report Ers who visited him during this time reported that
he was very careful to make sure he did not
feed his geese any bread that might contain mold. He
really cared. He's a nice guy. When The Maryland Independent
interviewed him and asked about his past, he told them,
I'm not burning any crosses on my front lawn. I'm
not holding any secret Black eagle meetings or racial meetings
or kkk rallies. I'm not bringing any ideology to the area.

(01:35:23):
That's fine, that's okay. I want to move on. We
all want to move on. I have stuff I want
to move on from. Let's move on from that now.
Harold's last bout of public activism was an opposing the
Riviera Development Project, which was a project to develop a
riviera near him, obviously I assume, on the grounds that
it would harm wildlife and the natural environment and his

(01:35:44):
adopted home. He became the committee spokesman of SWARD, which
is an acronym that stands for Save Wildlife Opposed Riviera Development.
Not a bad Acronyma, you gotta give They did fine,
It's fine. He's good with words. Yeah, he's good with words.
He sold those sea monkey Yeah, instant life. Now, even
in this ostensibly decent endeavor, he found ways to inject racism,

(01:36:07):
peppering local newspaper ads for sword with references to the
Judas Coat business experts responsible for the project subtle, yeah, subtle, subtle,
and asking his neighbors to join our struggle for God
country in our American heritage of self determination. Yeah nice. Now.

(01:36:29):
I found a fun article at the end of researching
this on a little website called National van Guard, which
do do I need to say? It's a Nazi website.
It's a it's a fucking nazi website. I thought they
reviewed independent music. What do you what do you listen to? Billy? Okay,

(01:36:49):
there's a sad story to this. I opened for Sturgill
Simpson a couple of years ago, and we went through Spokane,
and uh about I didn't know, and I do this.
I lived in Seattle for six years, so I just
like ripped Seattle in the Northwest apart about like you know, like, oh,

(01:37:09):
we're so progressive and like, well, where the funk is
all the black people, and then you go to Tacoma
and you're like, oh, there they are. You guys can't
do that anymore. You can't just be like no, no,
you can't, segarette. And that's how I was doing that stuff.
And then like a month later, Sturgil sent me this
thing that his people had said him. He's like, look
at this review and it was from like a white

(01:37:31):
nationalists website, and the guy was a huge fan of Sturgels.
But when I came out and started doing my jokes
at first he was like this is my guy because
I've got blond hair and blue eyes and I have
this accent, so he was like, oh, that he's been
chosen to come here. And then I start saying this

(01:37:51):
ship I say, and the guy was like, what the
funk is this? And he went back and had to
re listen to Sturgil and he's like, well, that motherfucker
he I thought he was either. This made me laugh
so hard. It's the best review I've ever gotten. There

(01:38:15):
was a brage of blasphemy and anti whiteness, and I
was like, he got what I was doing. I'll tweet
that good review out soon because it's so good. It's
well written. He's not it. He's educated, he's just misgot it.

(01:38:37):
We're about to read and not well written piece of
Nazi literature here. So, as I said, I found a
fun article on National van Guard about Harold and it
gives us some idea of how he was viewed by
the neo Nazis, that he didn't give tens of thousands
of dollars to That article cites a quote from a
little guy you all might have heard of, Tom Metzger leader. Yeah,

(01:38:59):
tim as a history in this town, and it's not
a good one. Um leader of a group called White
Aryan Resistance a k A war. Essentially a murderer, but
with a couple of extra steps, and they're like, hey,
we can't sing that, we can't say yeah, that is
not going to go down, but it goes with our things,
so good. So here's what Tom Metzger had to say

(01:39:24):
about Harold von Brownhutt. Harold von brown Hutt, a self
made multi millionaire from Maryland, has been an Area Nation
scrimp tributor for years. I met the man in a
meeting at Robert Miles's in Michigan. He was wearing a
priest's collar when I first met him. He was a
small man with decidedly Semitic features. I commented to several
people at the time that this individual was a long
way from an Arian. Then a Washington Post story broke

(01:39:46):
a few years later, saying that von brown Hut was
a bar Mitzvah Jew. It was also said that he
was the state leader for Area Nations. This, of course
puzzled me greatly, especially the way Christian hurt I made
my findings known to the Area Nations but received I
think his findings where he read the Washington Post article

(01:40:07):
but received no answer, and then repeated the findings on
this update a few years ago. Still no change. It
seems Von Brownhood was some kind of self hating Jew,
but a steady contributor to a n oh Well. I
had felled the cat, but I heard nothing about it
from the identity camp. Today I received an article that
was printed in the Los Angeles Times, a thorough and
complete history of the activities that Mr. Von Brownhood. The

(01:40:27):
thing that appalled me through and through was one comment
made by the writer that von brownhoot officiated at the
funeral of Miss Betty Butler, the devoted rife of Richard Butler.
That is very hard to swallow. So that's nice. It
bummed out Tom Metzker, like, what what do you want? You?
What do you want? In a happy ending of this podcast,
Tom Metzker sad, that's as good as it's gonna get now. Well,

(01:40:52):
he looklocker, you speaking. Harold von Brownhood stroked out and
died in two thousand three. There we go, fuck him.
Here's a piece of ship. Yeah, the collector just funded
more Nazis. He's good now. The most his fellow fascists

(01:41:18):
that the National Vanguard were willing to say about him
was apparently Brownhood's racial beliefs were sincere, and I noticed
they didn't give him the vong. That's interesting to me. Now,
Harold's longtime wife, Yolanda, sold the rights to see monkeys
after his death to a company called Big Time Toys
for several million dollars. They apparently screwed her out of
quite a lot of this money, and she sued them

(01:41:39):
in two thousand thirteen. I'm not going to get into
the details of the lawsuit, but it was still ongoing
as of two thousand sixteen. The New York Times wrote
an article about the story and pressed Yolanda gently on
her husband's years of fascist activism. She insisted that she
and her husband never talked about politics. Listen, he had

(01:42:02):
so much sea monkey money and he had so much
knowledge about sea monkeys. We just didn't have time to
talk about anything. That was all that was going on.
And most of the time I was just trying to
give him to take those glasses off, because it's like,
come on, my an, not all the time now, Billy Wayne, Yeah,

(01:42:26):
normally round about here the end of the end of
the end of the podcast, we would we would plug
our plug doubles, and I suppose we can still do that,
but first I'll be in Portland's October seventeen. That's near today,
very close to now sold out. I feel like before

(01:42:49):
we go, there's two intact bags of bagels, and we
should attempt well, one intact and one we partly intact.
We should at least try to unintact that one of bagels.
All right, let's do it before Thank you all for coming,
by the way, thank you, thank you all for coming.

(01:43:12):
A last minute idea comment. You guys like, yeah, we'll
be there now. What I today, I was like, I
don't think they're coming. What I What I really appreciate
about a Portland audience is that y'all are willing to
let two strangers brandish large knives at you for two
hours and you're all used to it because this is

(01:43:33):
Portland's And oddly enough, the only illegal thing about all
these machetes I brought in here is that I kept
him in a bag. If I'd been waving him drunkenly
around the street, that's fine. It's Oregon, baby, It's a
great weird rule. It's like, you can't hide them. You're like, well,
what if we hear him? You can't find him? Okay,

(01:43:59):
all right, now you know what Billy I should throw
it first. I got to hit that. Get that Okay.
I saw a guy wearing your hat. Today's Zoro. That's
a machete pocket. That's what you're That's what are robes
made for? What are robes made for? All right, Billy,
here we go. Are you ready love serving love? Probably? Yeah, alright,

(01:44:24):
I'm going it. It looks better to hit it. It does.
All right, you did some damage. I'm gonna do it
one more time. I want to see you know what, Billy,
try try the real chopper. This is the some bitches,
the CRK T your creed. This is one you used
to chop deep into wood shinny steel. But it's got
a real like deep edge. Yeah, it's good for batoning
and bagels. Yeah, it's amazing. I'm so in Portland, like

(01:44:53):
this is just a piece of bread. I was like,
there's a joint in there. I was like, that's so awesome.
Oh it's just bread. Now. We didn't do any ad
plugs for this, but Columbia River Knife Company or whatever
cr KT is, they make a fine bagel slice. They

(01:45:15):
haven't give me a dime. You all saw it work. Yeah, yeah,
it was aggressive, said Billy. Wayne. Yes, you get some
pluggables to plug should do that. Yeah, just by my record.
Uh it's just if you google my name, all that
ship comes up, We'll just you'll you'll find it. I don't.

(01:45:40):
That's why you don't know who I am because I'm
so bad at like I'm good at the comedy part,
but the rest of them, Like I don't give a
funk people making people laughing people. You should tell people
when you're doing it. I'm like, I know, but I
don't care. But if you know, I do tell people

(01:46:01):
now because I have kids and they're like, we want
to eat, I'm like, so help Billy's greedy kids. I
wish that was joke, and that's how that wasn't what
motivated me to market myself, but it really like for
a long time, I was like, I just like doing
comment it's fun, and I have kids. I'm like, I
should tell people I'm doing it. So just google Billy

(01:46:25):
Wayne Davis. Google Billy Wayne. I'm still pretty lazy about it.
You know what, Google bomb Billy Wayne Davis Illuminati and
just see what happens. See what happens a year or
two from now when that percolates. Please just google that
over and over again. Just keep doing. I want to
get invited to Illuminati party. They were like, hey, people

(01:46:47):
can keep thinking you're part of this because we saw
Google sends of stuff. Anyway, come to meeting and I'm like,
can I bring him a shitty Jeff Bezos is gonna
be there. He's got tons of them. They wouldn't let
me in because I would tail. Yeah, like like I
would leave him. Like you wouldn't believe who's in it.

(01:47:11):
It's not who you think, Carrot Top. He's so much
smarter than people give him a credit for him. Carrott
Top didn't I heard, just like, what do you say?
So I don't repeat what I said. It was dumb.

(01:47:32):
This is dumb. But I'll be in Salem tomorrow doing
stand up, and then Eugene on Saturday, and then I'm
coming back up. I'll be in Seattle the November one
and second on Capitol Hill. I'm coming. I'm getting going
in there and getting the funk out as fast as
I can. I don't negative fucking place up there. People
are just saying me, so see see Billy Wayne Davis

(01:47:56):
in most of those places. But if you venture up
into Seattle's if you hate see at least you come
to my shows because I just rip it fucking apart. Yeah,
bring your fucking bolt cutters. You were going to need
him to get through those streets, just lanyard. I think
it's though you need anyway. We didn't talk about how

(01:48:21):
to in this. No, this this has been the podcast
I hope I should plug. I have a podcast called
Behind the Bastards. Um. If you want to listen to it,
you might enjoy it. You the guy in the royal
Wallenberg shirt, you might, you might, you might be interested in. Yeah,

(01:48:42):
I have that bagel. What's that? Oh that's a joint?
Oh ship Portland fucking holds it down? All right, all right,
all right, as the fun an episode. Get the funk
out of here, Thank you, thank you quick. I'm gonna

(01:49:05):
have a suitcase just sitting up with my first CD.
I just have like a bunch left and I'm just
gonna give him away. So it's my first record. There's
a lot of good jokes. There's some holes that I
don't care for, but whatever, you guys, I'm really proud of.
I listen to a couple of weeks ago and I
was like, this isn't bad at all. So it's gonna
and I'm also like thirty pounds heavier than I am now,

(01:49:29):
so it was just this fat. He was fun. That
guy was fun as fuck. I got one last thing
to say. There's a fellow in the audience named Alan
who built the website for the War on Everyone dot
com and who without his help, that would have taken
like a month and a half more to produce, and
I would never have accomplished it as competently because the
only thing I can do is write eleven pages on

(01:49:51):
shitty people and then drunkenly read them to comedians. So
thank you, very much, Thank you guys. I got that inside.
I don't guess we're done.

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