CZM Book Club: The Barrow May Send What it May, Chapter Seven

Margaret reads chapter seven of her book The Barrow Will Send What it May

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Cool Zone Media. It's the Cool Zone Media book Club.
I told you that's always been our jingle. I can't
believe you all didn't believe me. It is the Cool
Zone Media book Club, which is the only book club
that you don't have to do the reading because I
do it for you. I'm your host, Margaret Kildoy, and

(00:22):
every week I bring you a story that I want
to read you. Sometimes I just talk about books I
think that'll come up to and sometimes I do whole
weird radio plays and I think that'll come up too.
But what I do right now is I read you
a novella that I wrote. I read you The Barrow
Will Send What It May, the second book in the
Danielle Kine series. This book was originally published Oh I

(00:45):
don't know, in twenty sixteen, twenty seventeen from tour dot com.
These were my mainstream published books. These sort of you know,
started my career in many ways. I had several books
that came out before it. I have a book called
A Country of Ghosts, which is an anarchause you took
a book. I also have this book called What Lies
Beneath the clock Tower, and it's legally distinct from Chooser
and an adventure book, and it's an adventure of your

(01:07):
own choosing book. I got a message from the Chooser
and Adventure of the people in that trademark who informed
me that I was not, in fact going on a
Chooser and Adventure book tour. I was going on an
Adventure of your own choosing book tour. And I wrote
them back and I said it noted. But when these
two books, the first two Daniel Kine books, came out,
you know, it was like then that I like got
an agent and started having more people read my books

(01:29):
and things like that, and so there's like a real
particular love that I have for these books. I've probably
talked about this already, but I'm not sure these books. Also,
I've been writing novella's sort of set in this world,
although without the magic, basically following Daniel Kine before she
was well before she transitioned it became Daniel Kine. I've

(01:50):
been writing them for a very long time. They started
as a way for me to kind of process my
strange life of being a crosspunk traveler living in squats
and doing forest defense and things like that, and I
wanted a way to do that without writing actual memoir
because at the time I felt like writing my actual
memoirs would kind of be telling other people's stories without

(02:14):
asking them. And also there's some like crime related to
some of those stories, and I didn't know how I
felt about publishing stories that were like I do crime. Obviously,
I've never done crime. I would never do crime. Oh,
this would have been such a good place to transition
to ads because the only crime would have been not
taking advantage of these goods and services. But it's not

(02:35):
time to transition to ads. Instead, it's time for me
to start reading you this book, the thing that you
came here to hear me do. I'm going to start
again with a couple paragraphs of the last chapter. Last
chapter was chapter six. Thursday was pinned down behind the dumpster.
Vacillis drew his pistol aloft, but Doomsday snatched it out

(02:58):
of his hand and stepped outside, firing calmly. I don't
think she was aiming to keep those guys pinned down.
I think she was aiming for the guys themselves. They ducked.
Thursday ran zigzag. A shot shattered the glass of a
window not a meter in front of him, but he
got in through the door, and Doomsday slammed it shut.

(03:19):
The firing stopped. I fucking hate gunfights. Dun Dun dum.
Chapter seven. Nothing says well established squat like barricades and
other defenses ready to deploy. I went through the building
with a Sola and dropped thick wooden panels over every

(03:39):
window upstairs. An argument raged. How are you feeling, I
asked a Sola. I'd rather be watching TV, Sola said,
as she helped me get a steel bar in place
over the front door. Yeah. I used to think I
wanted a life of adventure. Now I just want to
be left alone. Yeah, I felt that to my core.

(04:02):
Sometimes I'd gambled everything on a life less ordinary. I
had no savings, no long term partner, no home, no
roots in any given community. All I had were stories
and scars and vivid memories of moments too beautiful or
horrid to comprehend. Sometimes I wish I'd just had a

(04:22):
little bit of peace instead. I didn't say any of
that to a solo, though, because because me even pretending
to understand where she was coming from, that was bullshit.
I didn't know shit about shit. I'd never been kidnapped
and murdered. Everything bad in my life, truly bad. I
had stabbed and fought and kicked my way out of

(04:43):
to varying degrees of success. Maybe we'll get through this,
I said. I didn't sound optimistic, though, maybe she said
I hope. So it'd be cool to find out what
happens in Voyager, find out if they ever get home.
I looked out through the people. Half the town must
have been gathered outside, no pitchforks or torches, just handguns

(05:05):
and cars, the modern pitchforks and torches. I guess, which
made us what Frankenstein's monster Dracula. If we were the monster,
Frankenstein himself was out there somewhere in that crowd. He
was out there, and he was lying to everyone, and
everyone was going to believe him. You can hide in there,

(05:27):
Sebastian shouted, his voice muffled through the thick door. But
we're patient, we can wait. I didn't want to watch
TV and live a simple life. I wanted to kick
open that door and walk out into that crowd and
stab Sebastian Miller to death. That's what I'd do in
a dream world, a world in which I could do anything.
Bucket list be damned. There wasn't shit I could do.

(05:52):
You want to go upstairs and join the argument, I asked, no,
Asola said, I'll stay down here, keep an eye on
the door. If I'm going to die again, I'd rather
be first, and I'd rather be surrounded by books. I nodded,
then plodded up the stairs into the angry chaos and
right into an ad How would that even work? Like

(06:14):
just like walking up the stairs. Maybe there's posters on
the wall. Maybe the posters on the wall of the
library contain verbatim all of the words that you're about
to hear from our sponsors. I think that's the most
likely thing. And we're back. The argument was split into

(06:44):
two camps. Thursday and Vasillis wanted to get out onto
the roof and try and shoot Sebastian. Brynn. Gertrude and
Vulture wouldn't let them. Doomsday was sitting cross legged on
the floor pouring through the Book of Barrow. She refused
to acknowledge the conversation. I don't see any other option,
Thursday yelled. Dying in a standoff with innocent people isn't

(07:08):
an option either. Vulture said, come on, you know that
this is bullshit, I said, once I got the gist
of what was going on, quit arguing it's just making
everything worse. Well, what else am I going to do
when these idiots won't let me at least try something?
Thursday asked. Thursday, I said, I approached him, Adrenaline kicked

(07:28):
into my system, almost the same as when I'd approached
Sebastian angry armed men, and this was when I usually trusted.
Listen to me. We're a team, right, Maybe, he said,
we've made it this far right. You saved my life
and freedom, didn't you. Yeah, he said, save it again

(07:50):
by calming down, by not doing something stupid. Fuck, he grumbled.
The longer we wait, the worse the situation is going
to get. Maybe, I said, maybe not. But if there's
one thing I learned while traveling, if you've got a
losing hand, it's better to shuffle the cards and draw
all new ones, even if the new ones might be worse.

(08:13):
That's not how poker works, he said, Yeah, I know,
but it's kind of how life works. Everything is shit
right now, but in here, for the moment, we're comparatively safe.
We don't have to act this second. We can just
get ready for when things change. When is that? I
don't know, I said. Maybe everyone will get bored. Maybe

(08:35):
Sebastian will say something damning and they'll figure them out.
Maybe they'll all go home tonight. Maybe Doomsday will figure
out something good in that book. Or maybe one of
us will think of something. Or maybe those rednecks will
set this place on fire, Thursday said. Or maybe the
magic Feds will show up and kill all of us, maybe,
I said Thursday side, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled

(09:00):
you all. I don't know what to do. Doomsday without
standing up from where she was, reached out a comforting
hand and held on to his calf. If we're going
to hunker down, she said, anyone want to make us
some tea? I hate being barricaded inside a building with
enemies outside. I also, for what it's worth, hate that

(09:22):
this is something I know about myself because it's happened
more times than I could count. Thanks property laws for
making my way of life illegal. There's never enough air
or something when you barricade the doors. There are always
too many people, both inside and outside, when you barricade
the doors. We'd waited half the day already the sun

(09:44):
was high overhead. When I'm fighting off a panic attack,
I go into scientist mode and observe my body. I
think to myself, how am I feeling? As specific as possible,
how and where exactly is the worry manifesting in my body?
How long does each wave last, and how intense is
it on a quantifiable scale like from one to ten.

(10:07):
This serves two purposes. First, it gives me something to do.
Just the act of trying to track my feelings distracts
me enough to break out of the worst feedback loops
of anxiety. Second, it gives me a database of sorts
that I can refer back to. Okay, I could say
to myself, you're having one of your existential loneliness panic attacks.

(10:30):
Expect three major waves with a high water mark of
seven on the panic scale, one every three to five minutes,
each one lasting roughly a minute before ebbing back down
to a level four, or if it's a false alarm
medical panic attack, that's good for a single eight, followed
by a descending secession of waves until it's over. Knowing

(10:51):
what I'm in for keeps the panic from controlling me utterly.
It knocks each panic attack down one to four increments
on that scale. This was the old barricaded inside a
building with cops outside panic attack. Well, in this particular case,
it wasn't cops. It was armed strangers and an evil magician,
which was better in some ways. They didn't have the

(11:13):
institutional authority to lock me in a cage for the
rest of my life, but was overall kind of worse
because Sebastian was not what could be called a rational actor,
and it was impossible to tell what he might do
with the power he had. So that was the kind
of panic attack. I had the worst kind A couple
of the waves they hid up towards nine, maybe ten.

(11:36):
A wave of panic that hits nine. It just takes
me right out of scientist mode and right into that
prison called my own head. I sat on the couch
closest to the door, my head between my knees, and
tried to count my breaths. I couldn't. I tried to
drink my tea. I couldn't. It was all just too much,

(11:57):
for way too long. It was all just too much.
Can I join you? I looked up Vacillis. The past
few days had wrecked him, and he looked it. The
darkness under his eyes had reached the skeletal stage. His
hair was a frightened, uncombed mess. His lip quivered under

(12:17):
his mustache, a nervous tick. Yeah, I said. He sat
next to me, but not rudely close. I can only
imagine what you think of me, he said. I didn't
say anything. I didn't mind him opening up to me,
though any distraction at all was welcome. For example, the
way that you're about to be distracted out of the

(12:38):
story by an ad transition, and if you have cooler
zone media, you'll only be distracted by the ad transition.
But if you don't have cooler zone media, you're about
to be distracted by the ads themselves. And we're back.

(13:05):
Every excuse I could tell you, it would sound like
something Sebastian would say. That's part of what's eating me alive,
seeing all the parallels between me and him, I want
to say I've lost everything, because in a lot of
ways I have. Heather was my world. I wasn't hers,
but she was mine. I just accepted that dynamic while

(13:26):
we were together. I knew she was going to leave
me one day. That wasn't what I thought he'd tell me.
I lifted my head to listen better. When you all
came to town, I thought, this is it. She'll leave
with these people. I accepted that, but of course the
reality is so much worse. I'm sorry, I said. I

(13:49):
thought for a moment about what I was apologizing for.
There's this thing when people die where people always blame themselves.
I may be hyper aware of that being what people
usually do, because I do the opposite. People die and
I absolve myself of guilt. Clay died, and yeah it
was partly because of a demon, but I'm sure it
was partly because of loneliness. And I know he loved

(14:11):
me non romantically, and I loved him non romantically. But
I didn't keep up with him as well as I
could have. I chose solitude. I chose the road over him.
We can't save one another, Vascilla said. I know we can't.
But if I could go back, knowing what I know now,
I would have stuck with him, and I bet you

(14:32):
anything he'd still be alive. And I bet you anything,
i'd be happier than I am right now. So that's
what I've avoided thinking about. And with Heather, she made
her own choices. You can't blame yourself for that. I
wasn't blaming myself for Heather's death. I was blaming you
and Bryn. If i'd been in any other mood, I

(14:53):
might have taken that badly or pointed out as botched
attempt to save her. Instead, I just nodded, which is bullshit,
of course, Vascilla said, mostly bullshit, But it's true. If
we hadn't been here, she'd be alive right now. It's
not our fault, but it's still causation and not correlation.

(15:13):
What do you call that life, he said, chaos? Yeah,
I understand Sebastian. I understand what he's thinking, what he's feeling.
I know magic. I don't have a natural aptitude, but
I've been studying it for years, and I can perform
most rituals if I've got the right book in front
of me. Now, I've got a book here in my

(15:35):
apartment that could bring Heather back from the dead. I
could sacrifice myself to bring her back, but I won't.
And I know why Sebastian grabbed other people instead of
doing it himself. Why is that? Because Sebastian didn't want
Gertrude alive for her sake? He wanted her alive for
his sake. It wasn't that he wanted Gertrude to feel

(15:57):
the summer air on her skin one more time. It
was that he wanted a wife. He wanted company. True,
I love Heather, loved I loved Heather, but not more
than I love myself. If we survive this, I'm going
to wind up alone now, at least for a while.

(16:19):
That's just the way it is. You'll leave, and maybe
a solo will stay. But I have a feeling we'll
both be alone for a while, a long while, even
with the other around. He laughed, all of a sudden,
that's the best case scenario. How do we get to
that scenario? I asked, I don't know, he said, I
know one thing, though, we've got to kill Sebastian. There's

(16:41):
no coming back from what he's done. I don't know
if there's such a thing as beyond redemption. In my book,
I said, I try not to believe in vengeance, only
solving problems. If that means we've got to kill him,
I won't cry. But there's always coming back from what
we've done. The path into the light is always there,
even if most people won't take it. And sometimes you
need to kill them if they won't in order to

(17:03):
keep yourself, for your community, or even strangers safe. Bascilla
shook his head. Any other situation, I'd probably agree with you.
I didn't want to argue nitpicky shit about creating societies
with radically transformed ideas of crime and punishment. I also
didn't want to get off the couch and get away
from him. Surprisingly, I didn't want him to get up either.

(17:28):
Talking doesn't always help with panic, but it was helping
just then. What's with the spade? I asked, nodding towards
his tattoo to change the subject. It was a different
man when I was younger, gambling man lost a bet.
I'll tell you one thing that a drunken face tattoo
is good for. It's good for teaching you not to
regret you ever think about getting it removed, I asked, Hell, no,

(17:52):
I love this thing. How many librarians do you know
with face tattoos? They run a library that they technically
stole from the state. You're the only one, I said,
damn straight, there's nothing in here, Doomsday said, standing up
at last, setting the book atop Heather's body like she
was a table. Nothing that's going to help us. What
we need is a distraction. Gertrude said she was handling

(18:14):
the whole thing rather well. I suppose she had nothing
left to fear, Like what I asked. I peered out
the narrow crack between the wooden shutter and the window.
Most of the crowd was still there, leaning on cars,
smoking cigarettes, looking bored. Sebastian Miller stood sentinel in the
middle of the street, staring intently at the front door.

(18:37):
It had been what eight hours? Our magic Feds were
nowhere in sight, which was not reassuring. I bet they'll
let me go. Me and a Sola, we're not with you.
We know these people. I bet they'll let us go
and we'll figure out something. You're the two that Sebastian
was trying to kill. I said he won't, not with

(18:58):
everyone else watching. Sebastian always cared a lot about what
other people think of him. It was a dangerous plan,
but it wasn't get to the roof and start shooting dangerous,
and it was better than anything else we'd come up with.
I followed her downstairs to the front door. A Sola
was easy to convince Gertrude opened the door a crack.

(19:19):
Don't shoot, she yelled, it's me, miss Miller. I'm coming out.
She slipped out, a Sola close behind, and I slammed
the bar back and placed behind them. I was trapped
inside again. Fuck. I wish I'd been able to join them.
I wonder what they'll do. I was back upstairs, back

(19:40):
on the panic couch. It didn't hit me so bad
this time, maybe because whether or not it was me
doing something, I knew that someone was doing something. I
knew that the current situation would not continue indefinitely, even
without physically moving. Every passing minute got me closer to
nod in the library as surely as if I was
walking towards the en exit. Fuck off and leave us here,

(20:03):
Vascilla said, that's my guess. Thursday and Doomsday sat on
the love seat quietly whispering. Vulture was asleep in a
Sola's bed, brin paste, her boots a rhythmic clump clump
on the floor. Every time her circuit took her past
the window, she peered out for a second, Hey, she said.

(20:24):
On one of her rounds, she motioned us over. Check
this out. In the distance from the west edge of town.
A thin trickle of smoke turned into a billowing cloud
erupting up toward heaven. A Sola's house was on fire.
Dun dundune. Okay, that's a real cliffhanger, right, because the

(20:45):
house is on fire. What's gonna happen? What's gonna happen?
When we come back next week with chapter eight, the
final chapter in the barrel, will send what it may.
And I will say writing this particular chapter was kind
of fun. It's fun the right word. Daniel Kaine is
the closest I've ever done to a self insert character.

(21:07):
It's like, not complete. Daniel Kaine doesn't have all the
same mannerisms and things as I do. But I specifically
wanted to write about the fact that I have really
bad anxiety when I'm locked in buildings with the cops outside,
and I know that, and then I try to explain
it to people who don't live the same lifestyle that
I used to live, and they're like, why do you
know that? And the answer is that I used to

(21:28):
squat all the time, and one of the things that
we would do in Amsterdam when I lived there, there's
a very strong squatting scene there there there certainly was
at the time. So in order to get into buildings
and open them up for the people who wanted to
live there, and we'd go into these buildings that had
been empty at least a year and open them up
and people would move in. And squatting was legalized at

(21:48):
the time, but the cops was still trying to stop you,
and so in order to do it, we would gather
at least fifty people to open the building, and so
kind of like you're not off the hook if you're squatter,
you're kind of expected to go to these things because
you know, that's how you got your house, right, And
so we'd all gather to go do this, and sometimes

(22:10):
the cops would figure out where we were meeting up
and they would just like surround the building and we'd
have to just lock ourselves into these buildings, and squats
are very well barricaded because people are used to exactly
the situation, and so we would just be like locked
in the building, and most of the people I was
there with were just like laughing, hanging out, smoking, having
a good time or whatever, and I would just like

(22:31):
sitting there like it's fine, it's fine, it's totally fine
that I'm in a building in a foreign country with
the police locked outside. But I got through it every
single time and learned a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy
to help me deal with that kind of thing in
the future, and so it was just fun to write
about it in a fictional way. Anyway, see y'all next week.

(22:56):
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