February 19, 2026 • 48 mins
It's my 26th birthday, and I'm in a reflective mood. As I pass the halfway point of my 20s (and this podcast), I'm looking back at some of the lessons I've learnt so far and what I hope I learn in the next four years.
Also, the question people keep asking: will there be a Psychology of your 30s, stay tuned to the end to hear my thoughts!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back
(00:27):
to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is
so great to have you here. Today we have a
special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year,
I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety and
the year before it was like the fear of getting
older maybe. But today we're doing something more classic, and
(00:48):
I'm going to talk about the twenty six lessons I've
learned from the last twenty six years of life. Some
of these are really practical, others are more psychological, some
are really personal. Summer just weird. But I went out
for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down,
I brought my little notebook and I just really reflected
(01:09):
on what I've learned, and it was rather emotional like
it was. I did have a few tiers of the
waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have
a few martinis, so two of those things could have
contributed to each other. But this last year has just
been so mind blowing. It's just been the biggest year
of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix,
moving to London. Those are just the headlines. And yeah,
(01:32):
it's like kind of hard to process sometimes, and I
I'm so grateful, and I was just really reflecting on
the lessons that I've gained, both in the last year,
but before any of this happened, before I was even
in my twenties, when I was seventeen, sixteen, yeah, twenty one.
Things that have stuck with me as well from all
those experiences, and it was actually really therapeutic to just
(01:55):
like sit down and put them on a page. So
if you have a birthday coming up, I would actually
really really encourage you to do this and just to
reflect on the lesson one lesson from every year, from
the past however many years of your life. It can
get pretty emotional, but I want to share them with
you guys today, So without further ado, let's get into it. Okay,
(02:21):
let's begin with lesser number one. Let's number one. This
is the most important one. I think every year you
will realize more and more how young you actually are.
I remember turning twenty and being like it is the
beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous. It's ludicrous,
(02:43):
Like I'd only been an adult for like two years
at that point, but it just felt like time is
already starting to crush me and move very fast. And
you know, then twenty one came around, I felt the
same way than twenty two to twenty three, and I
felt a little bit less and it's become a little
bit less intense. It was definitely still there last year,
(03:05):
but now at twenty six, I feel so young. I
feel my age and I feel my youth so clearly,
and I also know I just guess based on experience.
It just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different.
I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still
twenty two. I used to do that, and I was like,
you know what, No, I'm excited about aging. You know
(03:28):
that term youth is wasted on the young. I think
that's what they're referring to here. Like, honestly, when you're young,
you obsess over not being the age you were the
year before, and we obsess over getting older, not realizing
how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives.
Thinking about aging, we think thirty years old, and we
(03:50):
think fifty or sixty years old when those are prime years,
Like we've got so much to look forward to, and
that has been a hugeing from my twenty sixth year,
Like I feel my age and my age is young.
Whatever my fears and whatever the fearmongering of society wants
to tell me that I'm I'm like seconds from death
(04:12):
is like ridiculous, and I think that's been a very
important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time. I
don't know where this idea came from of like I'm
wasting my twenties, I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing
from my underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is
not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse,
(04:34):
like it's not a bag of spinach that you left
in the back of the fridge. As long as you
are having an experience, every moment is contributing to your story,
even the time that you spent waiting and the time
that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time
is a human construct. We have to remember there are
days that feel like years, and there are years that
(04:56):
feel like days and days where life is completely going
to change all at once and it's just gonna feel
like everything has just happened in that moment. And I
used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my
time well enough, And obviously a big part of that
was like a deep fear of regret as well that
I was missing out. But now I know that as
(05:18):
long as I'm doing something anything with my life, even
if other people don't understand it or see the meaning
in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences
in themselves, even if they're not they're not exactly the
ones I want to be having, they are really really valuable. Okay,
(05:38):
let's do a little trifecta of lessons here, a three
for one deal. Fight with your friends. Forgive your friends,
recognize that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with
number one, Fight with your friends. I said this in
our is friendship meant to be inconvenient episode? But you
(06:01):
deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and
to really get it all out in the open with you.
Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with.
Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with.
Best friends. Great friends are those that you will go
tota toe with. That is how you know that they're
(06:23):
on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable, it's not as
uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have
them in your life in the future. Part of that
is also number two. Forgive your friends right. Obviously, there
is a level where you probably can't. But I lost
a lot of friends in my early twenties over stupid
(06:43):
mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for. And I would
have made those same mistakes as well, and I regret
it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight
to realize, like, wow, that was really small and minuscule,
and those problems like that's nothing, but the damage had
already been done yep them, but also by me because
I couldn't forgive, and I didn't feel like I could
(07:04):
go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because
I was so headstrong in my judgments. Now, I definitely
have a much more broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes
less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let
people get away with things, but I just like to
see the good in people, and I think that's important.
Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless and
(07:28):
a lot of their actions are forgivable if you remove
your ego from it and see that I don't know,
I guess not everything is about you. Okay. Number four,
Sometimes you are the asshole. Recognize that you are the asshole,
and you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop
telling the story thirty forty fifty different ways so that
(07:50):
it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and
that you were the good guy, and spinning the situation
so that you're you can feel in the clear you
weren't the good You know you weren't the good guy.
The next best thing you can do is to admit
you screwed up and be better. I feel like there
is so much ego protection going on in these situations
(08:13):
where all we want to do is survive with our
identity intact, and we want to survive feeling like we
are a good person. And the thing that good people
do is that they admit when they were wrong, and
they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes. They're
aware that they make mistakes as well, and that's just
a part of life and holding it against yourself too
(08:34):
tightly and too strongly actually means that you can never
admit it. You can never admit that you have done
something wrong because that in itself would injure your ego
and injure your self esteem so gravely that it's easier
just to pretend and to convince yourself that you're always
in the right and you're not. Sometimes you're in the wrong,
and life gets a lot easier when you are able
(08:56):
to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in real life
relationships in general. Okay, I kind of like this trifecta thing,
So speaking of relationships, let's do one more like three
for one deal. I have one specific relationship that there
was one specific relationship in my twenties that informed so
many of the lessons that I have on love. So
(09:18):
I'm going to thank him and say, sincerely, I hope
you're doing well. But these tips all came from this,
and I think they're so valuable. Don't get into a
relationship right after a breakup. Just because you're thinking about
someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to
get mad at the people who break your heart, and
(09:38):
equally stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right.
So I want to start with this first one. Don't
get into a relationship straight after a breakup. I feel
like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has
to make this mistake at some point. I think it
is in many ways a little bit of a rite
of passage. But I did this, and I remember being like,
(09:59):
oh no, I'm totally healed, I'm totally fine, I'm totally
ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like I
had not processed a single thing, and getting into a
new relationship was just an excellent form of avoidance that
looked like the opposite, Like it looked like moving on,
(10:19):
because it was the thing that was the most obvious
form of moving on. But I was just finding myself
in the same conditions and the same yeah, the same
conditions are feeling cared for this guy. I don't think
he really cared for me, but feeling affection and thinking
that that was like going to make my life better.
(10:41):
The thing is is that you will have all this
unresolved stuff that is going to come out in that relationship.
That is going to just mean that by the end
of it, you're processing two heartbreaks on top of each other.
Because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship
inevitably ends, everything comes to the surface. Everything from both
(11:01):
those situations becomes just like so apparent and it's gonna hurt.
I say, it's a lesson. Would I do it again?
I would? I do think that it was really valuable,
and it was very valuable in getting me to where
I am now. Those both of those breakups are a
big part of the history of the psychology of your twenties,
(11:22):
that second part of that trifactor. Just because you're thinking
about somebody doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like
there were so many times where I would have a
dream about somebody used to be with, or their name
or the thought of them would pop into my head,
and I would read so heavily into it that it
would dictate my behavior and understanding the psychology now that
(11:45):
I didn't back then. I know that it's just my brain,
and that was my brain trying to figure out where
to put those memories and trying to figure out where
to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream,
every thought, everything that reminded me of somebody was a
sign that this was destiny and we were meant to
be together now, I just realize it's just a coincidence.
(12:06):
So if you're having those thoughts right now of like,
oh my god, maybe they were the one you think
about a million different things every single day. This is
just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether
you read into it or whether you move past it.
And my final point in this trifecta of like semi
relationship advice and to be honest, I don't know if
(12:27):
it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learned. Allow
yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself
to really say what you need to say to stand
up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my
friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship or
somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very
(12:47):
unfair and cruel fashion, and she was like, do I
say something? Do I reach out to him? And I
said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there
is something that you wish you had said or still
want to say, you should say it, and you should
allow yourself to get angry because a lesson I've learned
(13:11):
from having done that and not having done that in
certain certain situations. Is that when there are things left unsaid,
whether those are good or bad, you're always going to
come back to it and linger on it. So if
there is something like really heavy on your heart and
somebody has really hurt you, it's not They're allowed to
feel that pain. You don't have to be the only
one who carries what you've experienced. And if there is
(13:34):
an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know
if it's the healthiest thing in the world, I still
think that you should take it because I think there
is some healing in just saying your piece about how
somebody has hurt you. Okay, I feel like we need
a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very,
(13:55):
very intense. So number nine, practice some magic and don't
neglect your spiritual practices. Long term listeners know that I
had some really let's say, intense experiences with the church
in my teen years. I used to be very religious,
used to be a big fan of Jesus, but after
(14:17):
like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I
kind of dropped away and lost belief, and that actually
created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans it's
important we believe in something, And after twenty six years,
I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices
and having a spiritual routine is just as important to
(14:39):
me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting
routine or a social life. Without it, I slip, I
slip fast. So I really think that it's important that
whether you are part of a religion or you're not,
whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind
of practices that you not you do something bigger and
you note you too, and allow you to see the
(15:01):
thread that pulls all those experiences together. Some of the
things that I do is I still sing worship songs sometimes,
like I just I like to sing, and honestly, worship
music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about,
but it's amazing, and I think that having that like
musical connections is important. I also like to practice picking
(15:24):
one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me, like
once a week, and I like to think as many
good things about that person as possible and wish like
everything good comes true for them. And I like to
imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding
them with positivity. I don't know. That's a really spiritual
practice for me that keeps me grounded. Something my church
(15:45):
did as well that I still do, even though I
don't believe in those believe in it anymore. Is when
you get paid before you spend, you have to give
back to others first, or when you get served, you
have to give the first piece of meat to somebody
else for I know, like in the Mormon Church, for example,
they encourage people to give ten percent of their earnings.
(16:07):
Some pagan traditions also have a similar thing of like
serving others first or giving to others before you give
to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state
of the world right now, and just having a good
gratitude practice is so essential, Like hold tight to that stuff.
That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual
(16:30):
practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when
you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to
small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with
the state of the world right now, it's very easy
to feel very despondent, dah, it's very easy to feel
terrible about the world. I like to imagine that humanity
(16:53):
is this big experiment, and there is this higher power
who is judging our experiment on whether it was good
or bad and whether humanity is succeeding or failing. And
it's my job every single day to do something that
proves the experiment is working and to do something that
proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is
(17:17):
just gonna sound a bit a bit weird, but I
imagine that there is this like tiny telescope or like
microscope on me, and they are watching me positively interact
or watching people positively interact with each other and checking
it down as evidence that people are good. And taking
care of small creatures, honoring their lives, appreciating them is
(17:41):
a way that I do that. Like life is hard
for little things, life is hard for small creatures. And
sometimes knowing that, like you know, not just killing the
answer that are in my house, or not just killing
the fly that's in my car, or stopping for birds
or saving a pigeon or something like that, knowing that,
like I have kindness for them makes me feel like
(18:02):
a higher power will have kindness for me. And I
don't know it, just it makes me feel connected to
what's around me. That's an important lesson. Let's a number eleven.
If there is an opportunity to go to the beach,
you should always go. The older you get, the more
you realize the healing power of water and the healing
(18:23):
power of nature. It's called the Lasser therapy. I'm a
big proponent, and I'm gonna say nothing more about that lesson.
I feel like that one's pretty obvious. Lets a number twelve.
Work hard at something, even if it feels meaningless, whatever
it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of
(18:44):
our hard work for others. I honestly think we save
all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents,
for our coworkers, for people we want to impress. Save
some of that hard work for you, and use it
for things that feel personally meaningful. There is so much
good that comes from working hard, even if at the
(19:04):
time it seems like there's no point or like nothing's
going to come from it. Working hard on a novel
no one's going to read. Working hard on improving your
running even though you're never going to be a professional,
working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or
whatever it is, so much personal reward for me has
come from the joy I've just found from working hard
(19:28):
for things that I care about and at the time
were just fun. But you never know where it's going
to take you. This podcast is a great example, Like,
I didn't know this was going to happen. I just
liked working hard at it. And I just have a
deep belief that the universe or the forces that be
reward hard work and like to see passion. And so
(19:49):
when it sees somebody working hard proving that they will
work hard in the future for no reward, just for
joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come
to those people because of those practices. It is a
reward in itself to care. But I also feel like
(20:09):
when you put yourself in the place where you do care,
people like to see other people who care, and they're
like to see people who are passionate about something, and
you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you.
People rally around you when, yeah, when there's something bigger
than you that you're invested in and that you're willing
to work hard for. So if there's not something in
(20:31):
your life right now that you are working hard for,
even if it's only working hard for twenty minutes a week.
I really think your life would benefit from finding something
that you want to give that time to. Okay, number thirteen.
Lesson thirteen. This is a lesson that I didn't want
to look. I was hesitant to learn, but it was
(20:52):
too obvious to ignore. You're always going to feel better
if you don't go on your phone first thing in
the morning. Why was this? What did this take me
so long to learn? I don't know. Obviously, our phones
are addictive. That feels like a cop out. That feels
like an excuse. There's all this buzz around like going
analogue and the digital detox and being social media free
(21:17):
and offline activities and having like really tried to be
in that space. It is really incredible. But if that
feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing,
you know. I tried to do the flip phone on weekends.
I tried to give myself social media boundaries. It worked
for a while. I think I went too big with it.
(21:38):
This is a great starting point. Just not going on
your phone first thing in the morning will change the
course of your entire day because the moment you put
that phone in front of your face it's like you're
immediately like sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately I
guess a little bit brain dead. To be honest, I'm
(22:00):
saying this is somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like,
if that's the first thing you look at, how you
expected to then go forward with the rest of your
day being curious or being entertained by the smaller things
or noticing things when it's like, it's like you're hooked
up to this like ivy drip of entertainment. So give
yourself at least twenty thirty minutes to just experience being
(22:21):
alive without a phone and without this thing that contains
the entire world inside of it. Yeah, at least the
first thing in the morning. I think you will notice
a difference. I definitely did. Okay, So lesson number fourteen.
Another really important one, but a little bit more serious.
(22:42):
Stop trying to be them, whoever them is to you.
It doesn't matter whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis,
a parent. Like, you'll never be successful when the goal
is imitation, and you will drive yourself mad trying to
(23:04):
correct and police and mold yourself into an identity that
doesn't come naturally because it's not yours. I did this
for ages. I was so easily influenced because I guess
there's just something really alluring about people who seem to
know themselves and who have an identity or who have
a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive.
(23:26):
When I didn't have that, guess what, by trying to
imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew
myself less because I would constantly compare the beginning of
my own new self and my own identity to their
complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I
fully believe. I fully believe there is a unique version
(23:48):
of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar,
and we are all meant to be individual, and we're
meant to grow in a specific way, and we are
meant to exist in a specific form and live a
specific life. And imitation is one of the main things
that's gonna block us, and that's going to stop us
(24:08):
from living out our mission and living out our identity
and living out our role in the world. And I
know this episode is getting so woo woo, but just
notice it in yourself. There is there is an an identity.
There is a version of you that you're you just
feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into,
(24:30):
and it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to
suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that
version of you, that new version of you. Okay, Lesson
number fifteen. Sometimes you are the bad day and you
need to call yourself on it. This is probably the
most recent lesson on the list. Probably a lesson I
(24:55):
only learned a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being
completely honest, kill a day I had. I said this
terrible day the other day, and my boyfriend was snoring.
I love him, but so I don't know what he
like turned twenty seven and suddenly like nasal congestion is
his middle name. I love you Tom, but hopefully he
(25:17):
doesn't need that. But he was snoring, And so I
had a really bad night's sleep. And then I went
to like transfer money onto my UK card and it
wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel
at the like the corner store, and my bagel like
fell apart on the street, and this little dog came
up in like eight tuna from my tuna bagel, like
(25:38):
from where it was on the floor. And then I
went to meet my friend. I was running late and
I couldn't get a line bike, and then when I
got a line bike, it was broken. And I was like,
this day just sucks. And I was in such a
terrible mood and I was so angry, and I was
like what did I do to deserve this? Like this
is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah,
(25:59):
but I'm being bad day, Like all those things are annoying,
but what's really the problem here? Oh, like how terrible
the man that I love, who loves me, who is
like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met, Like
he snores and that disturbs my sleep, and like, oh,
I have enough money in my bank account to transfer
it onto my British card because I had enough privilege
(26:20):
to move overseas. And oh, the bagel that I could
afford getting it takeaway rather than having to make it
at home, fell on the street, and this I got
to meet a dog who was eating my bagel, and like, oh,
my friends, I've my friend who has made plans with
me I'm late to and like where was me? And
I was just like I'm the bad day right now,
Like I'm reading way too much into this and I
(26:42):
am investing too much in my identity here as a victim,
when actually, like all of those things that I've experienced
that I thought were like the worst things that were
going to happen to me that day are just like
privileges and are just wonderful things that I don't know
people would kill to have those inconveniences. So just recognize
(27:04):
when you're ruining your own day and just try and
pour yourself out of it. Number sixteen another quick one.
Take your medications regularly and as scheduled, and that goes
for antibiotics, any depressants, panetal pain relief, anything prescribed to
you by a doctor. Listen to them. And bonus sixteen
(27:29):
point two. Just go to the dentist. Go to the dentist.
You know you need to. I put off going to
the dentist for six years, and I'm ashamed to admit that,
but it's because the last time I went, it really
hurt and I was really scared. And guess what. Guess
what that got me when I went last year seven
fillings three thousand dollars worth of dental work that could
(27:49):
have been avoided if I just went more regularly. The
older you get, the more you stop taking your health
for granted, and the more you realize that there are
people who train for many, many years to be experts
in this and to know what they're doing. Listen to
them and take care of yourself. Take your medal scheduled,
go to the dentist seventeen. When somebody is mean to
(28:12):
you or short with you, the best defense, and the
only to the defense that will work in your favor,
is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learned this
through trial and error. But when people were like used
to be mean to me, or you know, when people
make those slight jabs, like they're trying to get under
your skin and they think you don't notice, and they're
(28:33):
trying to like bring you down a peg, I used
to get quite. I wouldn't say mad, but I would
just I would have a certain reaction, like I would
either avoid them, or like I would try and be
smart back, or I would like try and make other
people realize what kind of person they were. And then
I just realized the best thing that you can do.
(28:54):
And I talked about this in our episode on how
to not take things personally, it's just to be so
nice and so kind and so generous and so forgiving
with them that they have like no choice, but just
to have this mirror placed in front of them that
makes them directly see how weird and gross and terrible
(29:15):
their behavior is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean
you have to continue to let them in your life
and continue to let them are all over you and
continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice,
still set boundaries, but it is genuinely, like one of
the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to
(29:36):
just cut cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially
stop them from yeah, thinking that they can treat you
that way and thinking that their behavior isn't a problem.
Number eighteen, You don't need to help everybody. I know that.
Like a lot of these tips have been like, be kind,
(29:58):
be generous, be nice, forgive, be a good friend. Some
people just don't deserve that. Some people just don't deserve
your help. And part of being a good friend, part
of being a good member of the village, member of
the tribe, the community that you're in, is knowing that
you can't give everybody everything that you have, and one
(30:22):
of the most generous things that you can do is
to take care of yourself first so that you can
show up for the people who really deserve you, rather
than doing favors for everybody, you know, putting yourself out
there for everybody, saying yes to everybody to the point
of exhaustion, and when the time really comes to be
there for those who would do the same things back
(30:44):
for you being so burnt out that you're not able
to do that. And I feel like this is a
very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially
if you are very hyper independent, especially if you are
an elder daughter or an eldest daughter high achiever type.
Eventually you learn that there are some people who just
(31:05):
don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help
from anybody, but because you and your energy and your
time is a precious resource. Similar to this is less
number nineteen. Trust your gut when to say no, when
to not go to the party, when to not help
your friend with some crazy idea they have. Obviously, like
(31:26):
you want to be a good friend and you want
to give back, but there are just some things where
you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time
for that, And especially when it's for people who would
never do the same thing for you in return and
who you resent constantly for not returning the favor, that
is a sign that like they're taking advantage, and it's
(31:47):
okay to just it's okay to just take a step
back and to not give them everything you've got and
to say no less than number twenty. You do actually
feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See,
(32:10):
I like alcol I like I like alcohol. I do.
I like alcohol. I also I like I like exercising,
but I wish I didn't have to do them as
much as I do, or I wish I wish that,
like I could go to the gym like once a
week and drink every night and feel amazing and it's
just not how your body is. Right when I was
(32:32):
definitely when I was younger, when I was like seventeen
eighteen nineteen and I was at university, I would like
we would we were like binge drinking. We were like
drinking every single night and nobody was blinking an eye
and we would like go on like one five k
run or like play some like frisbee once a week,
and I remember being like, oh, why do I feel
(32:52):
so tired? And like why am I exhausted all the time?
And why do I feel disgusting? And then slowly, like
as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain
and more and more repulsive, and you start adding some
exercise back in, and you start realizing that drinking every
drinking on a Monday with your powers is probably not healthy.
I was like, Wow, I actually feel better, and my
(33:15):
habits do are a reflection of the quality of life
that I want and how I want to live my life.
So that's definitely been an important lesson, one that I
wish wasn't true, but unfortunately is. You do feel a
lot better to go on a completely different direction here
less than twenty one wait twenty four hours before making
(33:38):
an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips
of just like learning impulse control and learning what it
means to be healthy financially, emotionally, physically. I had a
real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like twenty
two twenty three in my early twenties, when I first
got like a proper job, and I would just buy
(34:00):
the most ridiculous stuff because I would see it, think
I needed it, and because I now had access to
adult money, I could just buy it and genuinely like,
I think about how much money I wasted on multiple
pairs of black jeans or just like silly things that
nobody needs. Now, this was the best thing I did
(34:23):
for all the impulse shopping tips that you may get,
for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I
want and I feel like I immediately need it twenty four hours,
twenty four hours before I can make the decision, and
I think I've spoken about this before, I have a
list in my phone. Often by the time I get
to that twenty four hour mark, I've forgotten about it,
and like the haze of like the emotional pool of
(34:47):
dopamine of buying something and getting it livid, and like
that kind of fades a little bit and I can
kind of self regulate. I also feel like impulse shopping, drinking,
saying yes to everybody, those last three tips. Often those
are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that, and so
learning how to regulate your emotions without those things. The
(35:09):
older you get, the more important that becomes less than
twenty two talk to your siblings more. Honestly, I found
that because me and my sisters had such an age difference,
and because I moved out when they were so young,
like I think they were like twelve and ten, like
(35:31):
they were still children. I don't even have like memories
from when I was ten. I just didn't form the
relationship with them that they form with each other. And
I was very very jealous of that for a long time,
and it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them,
where I would I just felt very left out, and
that felt weak because I was the older. I was
(35:51):
the older sibling, like I meant to be the cool one,
and I would go back and they wouldn't really want
anything to do with me. And for a couple of years,
I was like, well, I'm just gonna hang out with
my friends, and I didn't really have a relationship with
my sisters. And then I think last year I really
started seeing them more and I started realizing what an
important relationship the sibling relationship is, and how they are
(36:17):
just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend and just
the you just relate to them on such a beautiful, simplistic,
care free level, and I think I started to really
appreciate like my sister's personalities and all the things about
them that are so cool and that I love. And
(36:37):
now I talk to them all the time, and that
has been a huge, huge blessing for me, and like
just a huge, a huge gain in the past year.
So if I was to go back three years, I'd
be like freaking call them, call them on the weekends,
like text them, have a relationship. I regret not investing
(36:59):
in that sooner, and I feel like I missed a
lot of their teen years trying to figure out my
late teen years and my early twenties and being really
selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited
back around right as they are orbiting out, And I
just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because
it is just such a beautiful, one of a kind,
(37:20):
special relationship. Less than twenty three. Celebrate yourself. Don't be
afraid to make a big deal out of the things
that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going
to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself,
organize the dinner with your friends for your job promotion,
make a big deal out of what feels like a
(37:41):
big deal for you. Think all my children, we're so
used to our parents being so in our business or
like our school or whatever. It is, like mental aunts,
grandparents celebrating us. And then you get older and you realize, like,
sometimes you've got to do that for yourself, and people
want an excuse to party people. I want an excuse
to be excited for you. I would alway feel little
(38:03):
bit cringe being like, oh, I'm going to plan like
a birthday party, or like I'm gonna plan like I
want to celebrate this I and now I don't feel
any shame about it. And having that space to invite
people into my memories and knowing that I'm going to
look back at those really cool things and they're going
to be in those memories with me. That is so
important and that is so valuable. And I just feel
(38:24):
like celebrating yourself. We don't do it enough, and we
don't make a big deal out of what a pleasure
and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to
be alive. And the fact that we work really hard
and we do really cool things, things that younger you
could not have imagined you doing. You were allowed to
just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader, and
(38:46):
make the space for other people to enter into that
with you if they want to, and if they don't,
that's okay. You get more cake, you get more champagne,
you get more flowers. Make sure you make your big
moments big for yourself less than twenty four. You can
truly diii your dream life if you just commit to
(39:07):
learning how to do things for yourself and learning how
to do them badly, then a bit better, then good,
then amazingly. This is like the hack. This is the
life hack that everybody needs to know. If you want
to do something. Oh my god, I'm this sounds stupid
now that I'm saying it, but if you want to
do something, you should just do it, and you should
(39:27):
just do it as simply and easily as you can
possibly do at that point and then get better. Everybody
I know who is really successful and who I really admire,
who I now get to call my friends, just went
into it with this like do it myself attitude of
being like, nobody's going to hand this to me, nobody's
(39:49):
going to give me the keys to the life I want,
nobody's going to build the home I want for myself
or the career I want for myself, I have to
do it myself. And now I have to like be
in those meetings, and I have to be in those
emails called emailing somebody to see if they have an
opportunity for me. And I need to be creating my
own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast,
(40:11):
and the universe will reward that. And I think it's
similar to that previous tip of like, do things just
for the sake of it, experience hard effort just because
hard effort is enjoyable for you when you're doing something
you care about. This is very similar to this. When
you truly realize that you can diy do it yourself,
make it from scratch your dream life in the most
(40:33):
rudimentary way possible, in whatever using whatever tools you have possible,
your life seriously changes. And I don't like bragging, but
I do feel like there's points in my like my
life is kind of evidence of that where I don't know,
I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't
see a system that I enjoyed, and I was like, Okay,
well I'll just make it myself and if it works
out great, amazing. Obviously that's what I want, and if
(40:56):
it doesn't, at least I can say that I did it.
At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there
waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me to get
to the point where I was ready less than twenty five.
I actually think this one should have been before. But
I'm sneaking it in at the end twenty five. Not
every person you date is your soulmate, and it doesn't
(41:18):
mean the relationship wasn't worth worthwhile. Additionally, when you were
in your twenties, date as much as possible. I feel
like I've learnt this, both through myself and through other
people I've seen who have dated one person have been like, Okay, cool,
that seems like good enough, and then seven eight years
later been like, oh my god, I actually never got
(41:40):
to experience what else was out there. And I know
not everybody agrees with this, and people have different perspectives
on it, but as much as my heart was broken
many times, and I was literally reflecting on this the
other day, like all these guys, I completely forgot about it,
and it's much as like it really hurt to be
hurt by them and to be rejected by them. I'm
(42:02):
so glad I did it, and they all taught me
important lessons. And every single relationship that I've had, even
the ones that were a disaster, have been worthwhile because
they brought me experiences that I otherwise would have had
a lot of what ifs swirling around. I know again,
(42:24):
I feel weird saying this because I know people might
take it the wrong way of like just date for
the sake of dating, and like use other people for experience. No,
I'm just saying, put yourself out there, and even if
you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't
the one, give them a chance, have fun, experience each other,
experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years,
(42:44):
twenty years, and take the experiences you can get from
really caring about somebody else, really having important memories with them,
even if you know it's not going to be forever.
I have two final lessons, a silly one and a
serious one. Let's start with this silly one. Dye your
(43:04):
hair at least once in your life. Try a weird hairstyle,
even if you think slash nov that it's going to
be ugly. I cannot recommend this enough. I have dyed
my hair black. That was a terrible decision. I have
dyed my I've bleached my hair more times than I
can think of, and it was often related to how
(43:26):
I was emotionally doing at that point. But like, I
have just done the craziest, stupidest things to my hair,
and I think, I don't know. I think it's fun,
and I think it's like a broader metaphor for like
just being willing to try anything once in life and
just to give it, just to give it a go.
It's a great reflection of that. And I think if
(43:47):
you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And
when I did it last I haven't dyed my hair
for a while, but I dyed my hair black in
like twenty twenty three. I'm blonde. It was a terrible decision.
I really look terrible. I'm glad nobody said something, but
I really slash. I'm not glad. I'm still on the
fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside
(44:08):
and be like this is not the color for you,
that there's just like this unique beauty and like this
unique feeling of looking back at those photos and being like, God,
that was a terrible hair color. God, that was like
an awful style. But I'm so glad. I'm so glad
that I did it. I'm so glad that I gave
it a shot. And now when I have kids, hopefully
(44:29):
I can be like, yeah, that was the that was
the year of this. So that was the year of that.
And it just feels like hairstyle and that expression and
doing everything once is really tied to a good story,
and it's tied to having good memories and having that
kind of free fall openness to life that feels more
and more worthwhile every single year. So I'm realizing I'm
(44:55):
actually going to finish on less than twenty seven, which
is one more than I promise to you. But I
think this is my hopeful takeaway from next year and
the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have
to suffer. And I know that that's really it's very
(45:17):
serious compared to our last last lesson, But I think
I just spent way too long thinking that how my
brain was and how my life was was something I
couldn't change, and the things I kept doing that were
honestly self sabotaging and that were causing me more pain
(45:42):
than they should have, and that we're making me unhealthy
and unhappy, like I felt so imprisoned by them because
that's how I'd always done things. And I'm just realizing
more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad.
I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already
going to naturally suffer just by being alive. And I
(46:04):
have a choice in a lot of that. I have
a choice to go to therapy. I have a choice
to get on medication. I have a choice to change
my mindset to have healthier habits. I have a choice
to prioritize and deprioritize relationships and certain things in my
life that are making my life harder. And I just
(46:27):
felt for so long like everything was just being handed
to me and I had to accept it. And maybe
the biggest lesson for my twenty six year and hopefully
again my twenty seventh year is that that is not true,
and I can opt out of the circumstances and the
things and the patterns of behavior that are making me
(46:47):
suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard,
and it's difficult, and I definitely make a lot of excuses,
but I'm at this point where I'm like, I want
to live a life of ease, and I want to
live a life of being as carefree and stress free
as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and
(47:09):
loud as possible. And I just think that's been a huge,
massive priority change. And maybe that's a lesson that you're
learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need
to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have
to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer.
Those are my twenty six twenty seven lessons from twenty
(47:29):
six years. I hope that they've I don't know, taught
you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated
and experience that you're having. If you're listening on Spotify
and you've made it this far, I want to know,
give me a lesson that you have learned in the
past year, past six months that wasn't on this list
that you think other people could learn from. I feel
(47:52):
like every year there's this new knowledge popping into my mind,
and I have definitely forgotten things that were important lessons.
But I'd love to hear from you, guys, and I'd
love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are
subscribed following wherever you are listening. If you were in
the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode
(48:12):
on Netflix. Actually should I say you can watch this
episode on Netflix. I'm so used to saying listen, But
you can watch on Netflix, and I would love it
if you did. So. Make sure that you are as
well following us on Instagram, and thank you for listening
to this episode and for being a massive part of
(48:32):
the last five years of my life, almost all of
my twenties. I don't know. I'm getting closer to thirty.
I have to decide if I'm going to do the
psychology of your thirties or what's going to happen. So
I guess time will tell. But be safe, be kind,
be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back
(00:27):
to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is
so great to have you here. Today we have a
special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year,
I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety and
the year before it was like the fear of getting
older maybe. But today we're doing something more classic, and
(00:48):
I'm going to talk about the twenty six lessons I've
learned from the last twenty six years of life. Some
of these are really practical, others are more psychological, some
are really personal. Summer just weird. But I went out
for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down,
I brought my little notebook and I just really reflected
(01:09):
on what I've learned, and it was rather emotional like
it was. I did have a few tiers of the
waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have
a few martinis, so two of those things could have
contributed to each other. But this last year has just
been so mind blowing. It's just been the biggest year
of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix,
moving to London. Those are just the headlines. And yeah,
(01:32):
it's like kind of hard to process sometimes, and I
I'm so grateful, and I was just really reflecting on
the lessons that I've gained, both in the last year,
but before any of this happened, before I was even
in my twenties, when I was seventeen, sixteen, yeah, twenty one.
Things that have stuck with me as well from all
those experiences, and it was actually really therapeutic to just
(01:55):
like sit down and put them on a page. So
if you have a birthday coming up, I would actually
really really encourage you to do this and just to
reflect on the lesson one lesson from every year, from
the past however many years of your life. It can
get pretty emotional, but I want to share them with
you guys today, So without further ado, let's get into it. Okay,
(02:21):
let's begin with lesser number one. Let's number one. This
is the most important one. I think every year you
will realize more and more how young you actually are.
I remember turning twenty and being like it is the
beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous. It's ludicrous,
(02:43):
Like I'd only been an adult for like two years
at that point, but it just felt like time is
already starting to crush me and move very fast. And
you know, then twenty one came around, I felt the
same way than twenty two to twenty three, and I
felt a little bit less and it's become a little
bit less intense. It was definitely still there last year,
(03:05):
but now at twenty six, I feel so young. I
feel my age and I feel my youth so clearly,
and I also know I just guess based on experience.
It just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different.
I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still
twenty two. I used to do that, and I was like,
you know what, No, I'm excited about aging. You know
(03:28):
that term youth is wasted on the young. I think
that's what they're referring to here. Like, honestly, when you're young,
you obsess over not being the age you were the
year before, and we obsess over getting older, not realizing
how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives.
Thinking about aging, we think thirty years old, and we
(03:50):
think fifty or sixty years old when those are prime years,
Like we've got so much to look forward to, and
that has been a hugeing from my twenty sixth year,
Like I feel my age and my age is young.
Whatever my fears and whatever the fearmongering of society wants
to tell me that I'm I'm like seconds from death
(04:12):
is like ridiculous, and I think that's been a very
important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time. I
don't know where this idea came from of like I'm
wasting my twenties, I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing
from my underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is
not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse,
(04:34):
like it's not a bag of spinach that you left
in the back of the fridge. As long as you
are having an experience, every moment is contributing to your story,
even the time that you spent waiting and the time
that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time
is a human construct. We have to remember there are
days that feel like years, and there are years that
(04:56):
feel like days and days where life is completely going
to change all at once and it's just gonna feel
like everything has just happened in that moment. And I
used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my
time well enough, And obviously a big part of that
was like a deep fear of regret as well that
I was missing out. But now I know that as
(05:18):
long as I'm doing something anything with my life, even
if other people don't understand it or see the meaning
in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences
in themselves, even if they're not they're not exactly the
ones I want to be having, they are really really valuable. Okay,
(05:38):
let's do a little trifecta of lessons here, a three
for one deal. Fight with your friends. Forgive your friends,
recognize that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with
number one, Fight with your friends. I said this in
our is friendship meant to be inconvenient episode? But you
(06:01):
deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and
to really get it all out in the open with you.
Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with.
Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with.
Best friends. Great friends are those that you will go
tota toe with. That is how you know that they're
(06:23):
on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable, it's not as
uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have
them in your life in the future. Part of that
is also number two. Forgive your friends right. Obviously, there
is a level where you probably can't. But I lost
a lot of friends in my early twenties over stupid
(06:43):
mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for. And I would
have made those same mistakes as well, and I regret
it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight
to realize, like, wow, that was really small and minuscule,
and those problems like that's nothing, but the damage had
already been done yep them, but also by me because
I couldn't forgive, and I didn't feel like I could
(07:04):
go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because
I was so headstrong in my judgments. Now, I definitely
have a much more broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes
less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let
people get away with things, but I just like to
see the good in people, and I think that's important.
Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless and
(07:28):
a lot of their actions are forgivable if you remove
your ego from it and see that I don't know,
I guess not everything is about you. Okay. Number four,
Sometimes you are the asshole. Recognize that you are the asshole,
and you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop
telling the story thirty forty fifty different ways so that
(07:50):
it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and
that you were the good guy, and spinning the situation
so that you're you can feel in the clear you
weren't the good You know you weren't the good guy.
The next best thing you can do is to admit
you screwed up and be better. I feel like there
is so much ego protection going on in these situations
(08:13):
where all we want to do is survive with our
identity intact, and we want to survive feeling like we
are a good person. And the thing that good people
do is that they admit when they were wrong, and
they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes. They're
aware that they make mistakes as well, and that's just
a part of life and holding it against yourself too
(08:34):
tightly and too strongly actually means that you can never
admit it. You can never admit that you have done
something wrong because that in itself would injure your ego
and injure your self esteem so gravely that it's easier
just to pretend and to convince yourself that you're always
in the right and you're not. Sometimes you're in the wrong,
and life gets a lot easier when you are able
(08:56):
to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in real life
relationships in general. Okay, I kind of like this trifecta thing,
So speaking of relationships, let's do one more like three
for one deal. I have one specific relationship that there
was one specific relationship in my twenties that informed so
many of the lessons that I have on love. So
(09:18):
I'm going to thank him and say, sincerely, I hope
you're doing well. But these tips all came from this,
and I think they're so valuable. Don't get into a
relationship right after a breakup. Just because you're thinking about
someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to
get mad at the people who break your heart, and
(09:38):
equally stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right.
So I want to start with this first one. Don't
get into a relationship straight after a breakup. I feel
like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has
to make this mistake at some point. I think it
is in many ways a little bit of a rite
of passage. But I did this, and I remember being like,
(09:59):
oh no, I'm totally healed, I'm totally fine, I'm totally
ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like I
had not processed a single thing, and getting into a
new relationship was just an excellent form of avoidance that
looked like the opposite, Like it looked like moving on,
(10:19):
because it was the thing that was the most obvious
form of moving on. But I was just finding myself
in the same conditions and the same yeah, the same
conditions are feeling cared for this guy. I don't think
he really cared for me, but feeling affection and thinking
that that was like going to make my life better.
(10:41):
The thing is is that you will have all this
unresolved stuff that is going to come out in that relationship.
That is going to just mean that by the end
of it, you're processing two heartbreaks on top of each other.
Because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship
inevitably ends, everything comes to the surface. Everything from both
(11:01):
those situations becomes just like so apparent and it's gonna hurt.
I say, it's a lesson. Would I do it again?
I would? I do think that it was really valuable,
and it was very valuable in getting me to where
I am now. Those both of those breakups are a
big part of the history of the psychology of your twenties,
(11:22):
that second part of that trifactor. Just because you're thinking
about somebody doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like
there were so many times where I would have a
dream about somebody used to be with, or their name
or the thought of them would pop into my head,
and I would read so heavily into it that it
would dictate my behavior and understanding the psychology now that
(11:45):
I didn't back then. I know that it's just my brain,
and that was my brain trying to figure out where
to put those memories and trying to figure out where
to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream,
every thought, everything that reminded me of somebody was a
sign that this was destiny and we were meant to
be together now, I just realize it's just a coincidence.
(12:06):
So if you're having those thoughts right now of like,
oh my god, maybe they were the one you think
about a million different things every single day. This is
just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether
you read into it or whether you move past it.
And my final point in this trifecta of like semi
relationship advice and to be honest, I don't know if
(12:27):
it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learned. Allow
yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself
to really say what you need to say to stand
up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my
friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship or
somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very
(12:47):
unfair and cruel fashion, and she was like, do I
say something? Do I reach out to him? And I
said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there
is something that you wish you had said or still
want to say, you should say it, and you should
allow yourself to get angry because a lesson I've learned
(13:11):
from having done that and not having done that in
certain certain situations. Is that when there are things left unsaid,
whether those are good or bad, you're always going to
come back to it and linger on it. So if
there is something like really heavy on your heart and
somebody has really hurt you, it's not They're allowed to
feel that pain. You don't have to be the only
one who carries what you've experienced. And if there is
(13:34):
an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know
if it's the healthiest thing in the world, I still
think that you should take it because I think there
is some healing in just saying your piece about how
somebody has hurt you. Okay, I feel like we need
a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very,
(13:55):
very intense. So number nine, practice some magic and don't
neglect your spiritual practices. Long term listeners know that I
had some really let's say, intense experiences with the church
in my teen years. I used to be very religious,
used to be a big fan of Jesus, but after
(14:17):
like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I
kind of dropped away and lost belief, and that actually
created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans it's
important we believe in something, And after twenty six years,
I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices
and having a spiritual routine is just as important to
(14:39):
me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting
routine or a social life. Without it, I slip, I
slip fast. So I really think that it's important that
whether you are part of a religion or you're not,
whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind
of practices that you not you do something bigger and
you note you too, and allow you to see the
(15:01):
thread that pulls all those experiences together. Some of the
things that I do is I still sing worship songs sometimes,
like I just I like to sing, and honestly, worship
music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about,
but it's amazing, and I think that having that like
musical connections is important. I also like to practice picking
(15:24):
one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me, like
once a week, and I like to think as many
good things about that person as possible and wish like
everything good comes true for them. And I like to
imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding
them with positivity. I don't know. That's a really spiritual
practice for me that keeps me grounded. Something my church
(15:45):
did as well that I still do, even though I
don't believe in those believe in it anymore. Is when
you get paid before you spend, you have to give
back to others first, or when you get served, you
have to give the first piece of meat to somebody
else for I know, like in the Mormon Church, for example,
they encourage people to give ten percent of their earnings.
(16:07):
Some pagan traditions also have a similar thing of like
serving others first or giving to others before you give
to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state
of the world right now, and just having a good
gratitude practice is so essential, Like hold tight to that stuff.
That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual
(16:30):
practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when
you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to
small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with
the state of the world right now, it's very easy
to feel very despondent, dah, it's very easy to feel
terrible about the world. I like to imagine that humanity
(16:53):
is this big experiment, and there is this higher power
who is judging our experiment on whether it was good
or bad and whether humanity is succeeding or failing. And
it's my job every single day to do something that
proves the experiment is working and to do something that
proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is
(17:17):
just gonna sound a bit a bit weird, but I
imagine that there is this like tiny telescope or like
microscope on me, and they are watching me positively interact
or watching people positively interact with each other and checking
it down as evidence that people are good. And taking
care of small creatures, honoring their lives, appreciating them is
(17:41):
a way that I do that. Like life is hard
for little things, life is hard for small creatures. And
sometimes knowing that, like you know, not just killing the
answer that are in my house, or not just killing
the fly that's in my car, or stopping for birds
or saving a pigeon or something like that, knowing that,
like I have kindness for them makes me feel like
(18:02):
a higher power will have kindness for me. And I
don't know it, just it makes me feel connected to
what's around me. That's an important lesson. Let's a number eleven.
If there is an opportunity to go to the beach,
you should always go. The older you get, the more
you realize the healing power of water and the healing
(18:23):
power of nature. It's called the Lasser therapy. I'm a
big proponent, and I'm gonna say nothing more about that lesson.
I feel like that one's pretty obvious. Lets a number twelve.
Work hard at something, even if it feels meaningless, whatever
it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of
(18:44):
our hard work for others. I honestly think we save
all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents,
for our coworkers, for people we want to impress. Save
some of that hard work for you, and use it
for things that feel personally meaningful. There is so much
good that comes from working hard, even if at the
(19:04):
time it seems like there's no point or like nothing's
going to come from it. Working hard on a novel
no one's going to read. Working hard on improving your
running even though you're never going to be a professional,
working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or
whatever it is, so much personal reward for me has
come from the joy I've just found from working hard
(19:28):
for things that I care about and at the time
were just fun. But you never know where it's going
to take you. This podcast is a great example, Like,
I didn't know this was going to happen. I just
liked working hard at it. And I just have a
deep belief that the universe or the forces that be
reward hard work and like to see passion. And so
(19:49):
when it sees somebody working hard proving that they will
work hard in the future for no reward, just for
joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come
to those people because of those practices. It is a
reward in itself to care. But I also feel like
(20:09):
when you put yourself in the place where you do care,
people like to see other people who care, and they're
like to see people who are passionate about something, and
you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you.
People rally around you when, yeah, when there's something bigger
than you that you're invested in and that you're willing
to work hard for. So if there's not something in
(20:31):
your life right now that you are working hard for,
even if it's only working hard for twenty minutes a week.
I really think your life would benefit from finding something
that you want to give that time to. Okay, number thirteen.
Lesson thirteen. This is a lesson that I didn't want
to look. I was hesitant to learn, but it was
(20:52):
too obvious to ignore. You're always going to feel better
if you don't go on your phone first thing in
the morning. Why was this? What did this take me
so long to learn? I don't know. Obviously, our phones
are addictive. That feels like a cop out. That feels
like an excuse. There's all this buzz around like going
analogue and the digital detox and being social media free
(21:17):
and offline activities and having like really tried to be
in that space. It is really incredible. But if that
feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing,
you know. I tried to do the flip phone on weekends.
I tried to give myself social media boundaries. It worked
for a while. I think I went too big with it.
(21:38):
This is a great starting point. Just not going on
your phone first thing in the morning will change the
course of your entire day because the moment you put
that phone in front of your face it's like you're
immediately like sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately I
guess a little bit brain dead. To be honest, I'm
(22:00):
saying this is somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like,
if that's the first thing you look at, how you
expected to then go forward with the rest of your
day being curious or being entertained by the smaller things
or noticing things when it's like, it's like you're hooked
up to this like ivy drip of entertainment. So give
yourself at least twenty thirty minutes to just experience being
(22:21):
alive without a phone and without this thing that contains
the entire world inside of it. Yeah, at least the
first thing in the morning. I think you will notice
a difference. I definitely did. Okay, So lesson number fourteen.
Another really important one, but a little bit more serious.
(22:42):
Stop trying to be them, whoever them is to you.
It doesn't matter whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis,
a parent. Like, you'll never be successful when the goal
is imitation, and you will drive yourself mad trying to
(23:04):
correct and police and mold yourself into an identity that
doesn't come naturally because it's not yours. I did this
for ages. I was so easily influenced because I guess
there's just something really alluring about people who seem to
know themselves and who have an identity or who have
a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive.
(23:26):
When I didn't have that, guess what, by trying to
imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew
myself less because I would constantly compare the beginning of
my own new self and my own identity to their
complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I
fully believe. I fully believe there is a unique version
(23:48):
of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar,
and we are all meant to be individual, and we're
meant to grow in a specific way, and we are
meant to exist in a specific form and live a
specific life. And imitation is one of the main things
that's gonna block us, and that's going to stop us
(24:08):
from living out our mission and living out our identity
and living out our role in the world. And I
know this episode is getting so woo woo, but just
notice it in yourself. There is there is an an identity.
There is a version of you that you're you just
feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into,
(24:30):
and it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to
suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that
version of you, that new version of you. Okay, Lesson
number fifteen. Sometimes you are the bad day and you
need to call yourself on it. This is probably the
most recent lesson on the list. Probably a lesson I
(24:55):
only learned a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being
completely honest, kill a day I had. I said this
terrible day the other day, and my boyfriend was snoring.
I love him, but so I don't know what he
like turned twenty seven and suddenly like nasal congestion is
his middle name. I love you Tom, but hopefully he
(25:17):
doesn't need that. But he was snoring, And so I
had a really bad night's sleep. And then I went
to like transfer money onto my UK card and it
wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel
at the like the corner store, and my bagel like
fell apart on the street, and this little dog came
up in like eight tuna from my tuna bagel, like
(25:38):
from where it was on the floor. And then I
went to meet my friend. I was running late and
I couldn't get a line bike, and then when I
got a line bike, it was broken. And I was like,
this day just sucks. And I was in such a
terrible mood and I was so angry, and I was
like what did I do to deserve this? Like this
is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah,
(25:59):
but I'm being bad day, Like all those things are annoying,
but what's really the problem here? Oh, like how terrible
the man that I love, who loves me, who is
like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met, Like
he snores and that disturbs my sleep, and like, oh,
I have enough money in my bank account to transfer
it onto my British card because I had enough privilege
(26:20):
to move overseas. And oh, the bagel that I could
afford getting it takeaway rather than having to make it
at home, fell on the street, and this I got
to meet a dog who was eating my bagel, and like, oh,
my friends, I've my friend who has made plans with
me I'm late to and like where was me? And
I was just like I'm the bad day right now,
Like I'm reading way too much into this and I
(26:42):
am investing too much in my identity here as a victim,
when actually, like all of those things that I've experienced
that I thought were like the worst things that were
going to happen to me that day are just like
privileges and are just wonderful things that I don't know
people would kill to have those inconveniences. So just recognize
(27:04):
when you're ruining your own day and just try and
pour yourself out of it. Number sixteen another quick one.
Take your medications regularly and as scheduled, and that goes
for antibiotics, any depressants, panetal pain relief, anything prescribed to
you by a doctor. Listen to them. And bonus sixteen
(27:29):
point two. Just go to the dentist. Go to the dentist.
You know you need to. I put off going to
the dentist for six years, and I'm ashamed to admit that,
but it's because the last time I went, it really
hurt and I was really scared. And guess what. Guess
what that got me when I went last year seven
fillings three thousand dollars worth of dental work that could
(27:49):
have been avoided if I just went more regularly. The
older you get, the more you stop taking your health
for granted, and the more you realize that there are
people who train for many, many years to be experts
in this and to know what they're doing. Listen to
them and take care of yourself. Take your medal scheduled,
go to the dentist seventeen. When somebody is mean to
(28:12):
you or short with you, the best defense, and the
only to the defense that will work in your favor,
is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learned this
through trial and error. But when people were like used
to be mean to me, or you know, when people
make those slight jabs, like they're trying to get under
your skin and they think you don't notice, and they're
(28:33):
trying to like bring you down a peg, I used
to get quite. I wouldn't say mad, but I would
just I would have a certain reaction, like I would
either avoid them, or like I would try and be
smart back, or I would like try and make other
people realize what kind of person they were. And then
I just realized the best thing that you can do.
(28:54):
And I talked about this in our episode on how
to not take things personally, it's just to be so
nice and so kind and so generous and so forgiving
with them that they have like no choice, but just
to have this mirror placed in front of them that
makes them directly see how weird and gross and terrible
(29:15):
their behavior is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean
you have to continue to let them in your life
and continue to let them are all over you and
continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice,
still set boundaries, but it is genuinely, like one of
the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to
(29:36):
just cut cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially
stop them from yeah, thinking that they can treat you
that way and thinking that their behavior isn't a problem.
Number eighteen, You don't need to help everybody. I know that.
Like a lot of these tips have been like, be kind,
(29:58):
be generous, be nice, forgive, be a good friend. Some
people just don't deserve that. Some people just don't deserve
your help. And part of being a good friend, part
of being a good member of the village, member of
the tribe, the community that you're in, is knowing that
you can't give everybody everything that you have, and one
(30:22):
of the most generous things that you can do is
to take care of yourself first so that you can
show up for the people who really deserve you, rather
than doing favors for everybody, you know, putting yourself out
there for everybody, saying yes to everybody to the point
of exhaustion, and when the time really comes to be
there for those who would do the same things back
(30:44):
for you being so burnt out that you're not able
to do that. And I feel like this is a
very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially
if you are very hyper independent, especially if you are
an elder daughter or an eldest daughter high achiever type.
Eventually you learn that there are some people who just
(31:05):
don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help
from anybody, but because you and your energy and your
time is a precious resource. Similar to this is less
number nineteen. Trust your gut when to say no, when
to not go to the party, when to not help
your friend with some crazy idea they have. Obviously, like
(31:26):
you want to be a good friend and you want
to give back, but there are just some things where
you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time
for that, And especially when it's for people who would
never do the same thing for you in return and
who you resent constantly for not returning the favor, that
is a sign that like they're taking advantage, and it's
(31:47):
okay to just it's okay to just take a step
back and to not give them everything you've got and
to say no less than number twenty. You do actually
feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See,
(32:10):
I like alcol I like I like alcohol. I do.
I like alcohol. I also I like I like exercising,
but I wish I didn't have to do them as
much as I do, or I wish I wish that,
like I could go to the gym like once a
week and drink every night and feel amazing and it's
just not how your body is. Right when I was
(32:32):
definitely when I was younger, when I was like seventeen
eighteen nineteen and I was at university, I would like
we would we were like binge drinking. We were like
drinking every single night and nobody was blinking an eye
and we would like go on like one five k
run or like play some like frisbee once a week,
and I remember being like, oh, why do I feel
(32:52):
so tired? And like why am I exhausted all the time?
And why do I feel disgusting? And then slowly, like
as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain
and more and more repulsive, and you start adding some
exercise back in, and you start realizing that drinking every
drinking on a Monday with your powers is probably not healthy.
I was like, Wow, I actually feel better, and my
(33:15):
habits do are a reflection of the quality of life
that I want and how I want to live my life.
So that's definitely been an important lesson, one that I
wish wasn't true, but unfortunately is. You do feel a
lot better to go on a completely different direction here
less than twenty one wait twenty four hours before making
(33:38):
an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips
of just like learning impulse control and learning what it
means to be healthy financially, emotionally, physically. I had a
real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like twenty
two twenty three in my early twenties, when I first
got like a proper job, and I would just buy
(34:00):
the most ridiculous stuff because I would see it, think
I needed it, and because I now had access to
adult money, I could just buy it and genuinely like,
I think about how much money I wasted on multiple
pairs of black jeans or just like silly things that
nobody needs. Now, this was the best thing I did
(34:23):
for all the impulse shopping tips that you may get,
for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I
want and I feel like I immediately need it twenty four hours,
twenty four hours before I can make the decision, and
I think I've spoken about this before, I have a
list in my phone. Often by the time I get
to that twenty four hour mark, I've forgotten about it,
and like the haze of like the emotional pool of
(34:47):
dopamine of buying something and getting it livid, and like
that kind of fades a little bit and I can
kind of self regulate. I also feel like impulse shopping, drinking,
saying yes to everybody, those last three tips. Often those
are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that, and so
learning how to regulate your emotions without those things. The
(35:09):
older you get, the more important that becomes less than
twenty two talk to your siblings more. Honestly, I found
that because me and my sisters had such an age difference,
and because I moved out when they were so young,
like I think they were like twelve and ten, like
(35:31):
they were still children. I don't even have like memories
from when I was ten. I just didn't form the
relationship with them that they form with each other. And
I was very very jealous of that for a long time,
and it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them,
where I would I just felt very left out, and
that felt weak because I was the older. I was
(35:51):
the older sibling, like I meant to be the cool one,
and I would go back and they wouldn't really want
anything to do with me. And for a couple of years,
I was like, well, I'm just gonna hang out with
my friends, and I didn't really have a relationship with
my sisters. And then I think last year I really
started seeing them more and I started realizing what an
important relationship the sibling relationship is, and how they are
(36:17):
just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend and just
the you just relate to them on such a beautiful, simplistic,
care free level, and I think I started to really
appreciate like my sister's personalities and all the things about
them that are so cool and that I love. And
(36:37):
now I talk to them all the time, and that
has been a huge, huge blessing for me, and like
just a huge, a huge gain in the past year.
So if I was to go back three years, I'd
be like freaking call them, call them on the weekends,
like text them, have a relationship. I regret not investing
(36:59):
in that sooner, and I feel like I missed a
lot of their teen years trying to figure out my
late teen years and my early twenties and being really
selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited
back around right as they are orbiting out, And I
just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because
it is just such a beautiful, one of a kind,
(37:20):
special relationship. Less than twenty three. Celebrate yourself. Don't be
afraid to make a big deal out of the things
that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going
to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself,
organize the dinner with your friends for your job promotion,
make a big deal out of what feels like a
(37:41):
big deal for you. Think all my children, we're so
used to our parents being so in our business or
like our school or whatever. It is, like mental aunts,
grandparents celebrating us. And then you get older and you realize, like,
sometimes you've got to do that for yourself, and people
want an excuse to party people. I want an excuse
to be excited for you. I would alway feel little
(38:03):
bit cringe being like, oh, I'm going to plan like
a birthday party, or like I'm gonna plan like I
want to celebrate this I and now I don't feel
any shame about it. And having that space to invite
people into my memories and knowing that I'm going to
look back at those really cool things and they're going
to be in those memories with me. That is so
important and that is so valuable. And I just feel
(38:24):
like celebrating yourself. We don't do it enough, and we
don't make a big deal out of what a pleasure
and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to
be alive. And the fact that we work really hard
and we do really cool things, things that younger you
could not have imagined you doing. You were allowed to
just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader, and
(38:46):
make the space for other people to enter into that
with you if they want to, and if they don't,
that's okay. You get more cake, you get more champagne,
you get more flowers. Make sure you make your big
moments big for yourself less than twenty four. You can
truly diii your dream life if you just commit to
(39:07):
learning how to do things for yourself and learning how
to do them badly, then a bit better, then good,
then amazingly. This is like the hack. This is the
life hack that everybody needs to know. If you want
to do something. Oh my god, I'm this sounds stupid
now that I'm saying it, but if you want to
do something, you should just do it, and you should
(39:27):
just do it as simply and easily as you can
possibly do at that point and then get better. Everybody
I know who is really successful and who I really admire,
who I now get to call my friends, just went
into it with this like do it myself attitude of
being like, nobody's going to hand this to me, nobody's
(39:49):
going to give me the keys to the life I want,
nobody's going to build the home I want for myself
or the career I want for myself, I have to
do it myself. And now I have to like be
in those meetings, and I have to be in those
emails called emailing somebody to see if they have an
opportunity for me. And I need to be creating my
own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast,
(40:11):
and the universe will reward that. And I think it's
similar to that previous tip of like, do things just
for the sake of it, experience hard effort just because
hard effort is enjoyable for you when you're doing something
you care about. This is very similar to this. When
you truly realize that you can diy do it yourself,
make it from scratch your dream life in the most
(40:33):
rudimentary way possible, in whatever using whatever tools you have possible,
your life seriously changes. And I don't like bragging, but
I do feel like there's points in my like my
life is kind of evidence of that where I don't know,
I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't
see a system that I enjoyed, and I was like, Okay,
well I'll just make it myself and if it works
out great, amazing. Obviously that's what I want, and if
(40:56):
it doesn't, at least I can say that I did it.
At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there
waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me to get
to the point where I was ready less than twenty five.
I actually think this one should have been before. But
I'm sneaking it in at the end twenty five. Not
every person you date is your soulmate, and it doesn't
(41:18):
mean the relationship wasn't worth worthwhile. Additionally, when you were
in your twenties, date as much as possible. I feel
like I've learnt this, both through myself and through other
people I've seen who have dated one person have been like, Okay, cool,
that seems like good enough, and then seven eight years
later been like, oh my god, I actually never got
(41:40):
to experience what else was out there. And I know
not everybody agrees with this, and people have different perspectives
on it, but as much as my heart was broken
many times, and I was literally reflecting on this the
other day, like all these guys, I completely forgot about it,
and it's much as like it really hurt to be
hurt by them and to be rejected by them. I'm
(42:02):
so glad I did it, and they all taught me
important lessons. And every single relationship that I've had, even
the ones that were a disaster, have been worthwhile because
they brought me experiences that I otherwise would have had
a lot of what ifs swirling around. I know again,
(42:24):
I feel weird saying this because I know people might
take it the wrong way of like just date for
the sake of dating, and like use other people for experience. No,
I'm just saying, put yourself out there, and even if
you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't
the one, give them a chance, have fun, experience each other,
experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years,
(42:44):
twenty years, and take the experiences you can get from
really caring about somebody else, really having important memories with them,
even if you know it's not going to be forever.
I have two final lessons, a silly one and a
serious one. Let's start with this silly one. Dye your
(43:04):
hair at least once in your life. Try a weird hairstyle,
even if you think slash nov that it's going to
be ugly. I cannot recommend this enough. I have dyed
my hair black. That was a terrible decision. I have
dyed my I've bleached my hair more times than I
can think of, and it was often related to how
(43:26):
I was emotionally doing at that point. But like, I
have just done the craziest, stupidest things to my hair,
and I think, I don't know. I think it's fun,
and I think it's like a broader metaphor for like
just being willing to try anything once in life and
just to give it, just to give it a go.
It's a great reflection of that. And I think if
(43:47):
you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And
when I did it last I haven't dyed my hair
for a while, but I dyed my hair black in
like twenty twenty three. I'm blonde. It was a terrible decision.
I really look terrible. I'm glad nobody said something, but
I really slash. I'm not glad. I'm still on the
fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside
(44:08):
and be like this is not the color for you,
that there's just like this unique beauty and like this
unique feeling of looking back at those photos and being like, God,
that was a terrible hair color. God, that was like
an awful style. But I'm so glad. I'm so glad
that I did it. I'm so glad that I gave
it a shot. And now when I have kids, hopefully
(44:29):
I can be like, yeah, that was the that was
the year of this. So that was the year of that.
And it just feels like hairstyle and that expression and
doing everything once is really tied to a good story,
and it's tied to having good memories and having that
kind of free fall openness to life that feels more
and more worthwhile every single year. So I'm realizing I'm
(44:55):
actually going to finish on less than twenty seven, which
is one more than I promise to you. But I
think this is my hopeful takeaway from next year and
the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have
to suffer. And I know that that's really it's very
(45:17):
serious compared to our last last lesson, But I think
I just spent way too long thinking that how my
brain was and how my life was was something I
couldn't change, and the things I kept doing that were
honestly self sabotaging and that were causing me more pain
(45:42):
than they should have, and that we're making me unhealthy
and unhappy, like I felt so imprisoned by them because
that's how I'd always done things. And I'm just realizing
more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad.
I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already
going to naturally suffer just by being alive. And I
(46:04):
have a choice in a lot of that. I have
a choice to go to therapy. I have a choice
to get on medication. I have a choice to change
my mindset to have healthier habits. I have a choice
to prioritize and deprioritize relationships and certain things in my
life that are making my life harder. And I just
(46:27):
felt for so long like everything was just being handed
to me and I had to accept it. And maybe
the biggest lesson for my twenty six year and hopefully
again my twenty seventh year is that that is not true,
and I can opt out of the circumstances and the
things and the patterns of behavior that are making me
(46:47):
suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard,
and it's difficult, and I definitely make a lot of excuses,
but I'm at this point where I'm like, I want
to live a life of ease, and I want to
live a life of being as carefree and stress free
as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and
(47:09):
loud as possible. And I just think that's been a huge,
massive priority change. And maybe that's a lesson that you're
learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need
to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have
to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer.
Those are my twenty six twenty seven lessons from twenty
(47:29):
six years. I hope that they've I don't know, taught
you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated
and experience that you're having. If you're listening on Spotify
and you've made it this far, I want to know,
give me a lesson that you have learned in the
past year, past six months that wasn't on this list
that you think other people could learn from. I feel
(47:52):
like every year there's this new knowledge popping into my mind,
and I have definitely forgotten things that were important lessons.
But I'd love to hear from you, guys, and I'd
love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are
subscribed following wherever you are listening. If you were in
the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode
(48:12):
on Netflix. Actually should I say you can watch this
episode on Netflix. I'm so used to saying listen, But
you can watch on Netflix, and I would love it
if you did. So. Make sure that you are as
well following us on Instagram, and thank you for listening
to this episode and for being a massive part of
(48:32):
the last five years of my life, almost all of
my twenties. I don't know. I'm getting closer to thirty.
I have to decide if I'm going to do the
psychology of your thirties or what's going to happen. So
I guess time will tell. But be safe, be kind,
be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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