July 20, 2026 • 46 mins
You know when someone seems to breeze through life, can approach any social situation and challenge with such self-assured confidence? It seems innate - something they were born with. But what if that's not true? What if, instead of a fixed personal trait, confidence is actually a set of learnable abilities, a dynamic skill that anyone can cultivate, sharpen, and ultimately master? Today, we’re challenging the notion that confidence is a trait, and instead something you build.
Things we discuss:
- Why confidence is dynamic and adaptable
- Self-efficacy as a driver of confidence
- How "growth mindsets" can revolutionise your approach to challenges and setbacks
- Understanding the locus of control to fuel or hinder your forward momentum
- Actionable strategies to build your confidence from the ground up
If you’ve ever thought, “if only I was just born confident”, this episode is for you.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. This episode is a rerun.
(00:26):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just
want to let you know that this episode actually has
(00:48):
two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister
episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you
prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this
episode to start your day or to start your week,
I'm going to leave a link in the description of
this episode for you guys to go and check it out.
(01:09):
I would love if you just gave Mantra a try.
I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love
that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties,
but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go
check it out. But as for our topic today, We're
going to talk about confidence and what it is about
(01:30):
confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how
we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright,
amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something
that you were born with. It is a skill, a
(01:51):
skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy,
actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy.
She is what simularly, she similarly is a very confident person.
She just approaches every single social situation, every work presentation,
every first date with just such a grounded, secure mindset.
(02:14):
It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so magnetic to
watch and sometimes I've even like found myself just being
like where did this come from? Like who is this
amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura, It's
like a color that almost surrounds her. And I think
it's so easy to observe people like her and conclude
(02:34):
that she was simply born with this, this is always
who she was going to become. But the thing is,
I've been friends with Percy for some time for a
long time, and I know her very well. And I
know that this is not always what she was like.
She was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she
was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled. And
(02:56):
so it really got me thinking, what does she kind
of know that we don't like? What is this formula
that she has? What are the profound kind of psychological
principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident and
people who are not confident? What is it about the
history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and what
(03:16):
about that can we change? What about ourselves can we
kind of work with to come into any situation and
just feel like we own the room, feel like we
deserve and belong to be there. Because once we understand
the science of confidence, once we kind of break down
(03:37):
the myth that confidence is only something that you are
born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we become
unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves,
in directing our lives. You know, the list could go
on and on and on. So where do we begin,
what do we do? How do we get there? That
is exactly what we are going to talk about today.
(03:58):
Your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's
begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I
should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You
either have it or you don't. Is that true or not. Well,
(04:21):
I'm going to give you the answer right now, and
then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer
is no, it's not. According to research, including a really
comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty
twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight
percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics,
(04:43):
because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of
our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent,
is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not
just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of
your orbit of control. For the most part, something like
(05:04):
confidence is something that we can change, We can kind
of intercept and form to our desires. And to truly
understand why this is the case, and to truly understand
like the foundation of confidence, you have to understand one
of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy. Self efficacy
(05:25):
is a concept that was first named or labeled I
guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous social
psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it is
basically our belief in our capacity to execute the behavior
is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms,
because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your
(05:46):
belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you
can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present
yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires.
It is not so much your belief that things will
go well. It's not so much your belief that people
(06:06):
will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside
of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we
can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great
thing about self efficacy is that it can only be
built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us.
It is not either there or not the moment we
(06:28):
are born. So there are four primary sources through which
self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources,
you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in
someone brick by brick through the process of learning and
environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first one,
(06:49):
is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, when
you successfully perform a task, especially one that you initially
found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities.
This starts like as like from like three months old.
(07:09):
Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike,
because it's a very good one. You know, the riding
a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind
of scary, like you have to balance on these two
wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll
probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve
wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with
each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance,
(07:32):
like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger.
It's all based on these moments of feeling like I
didn't believe I could do this, but I can, And
that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete
data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your
trust and your own abilities. The fact that you've kind
(07:54):
of you are capable now the brain actively seeks and
reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time
you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others,
the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your
brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments
and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of
(08:15):
managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created,
and that's really important because the more times you show
yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself
that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next,
we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of
(08:37):
course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount
by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to
yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do,
it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess
the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, models,
(09:00):
even peers are so crucial in building confidence. If you're
a budding entrepreneur and you see someone from a similar
background successfully launch their business, it sends a really powerful
message like if they can do it, maybe I can too.
This actually really explains why representation matters and is so
(09:21):
important for marginalized groups. There was a study done in
twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked high achieving
university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send letters to
students from similar backgrounds who were considering university and just
talk about their experience, talk about the fact that it's possible.
(09:42):
So there were over eleven thousand people in this study
and these letters were really positive. They were like, shoot
for the stars, you can do it. Aim higher and
the researchers tracked students application decisions and found that there
was a significant increase in applications to more prestigious unis
amongst the group that receive the letters versus groups that
(10:05):
did not. So this isn't about blind imitation. It's about
seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated by others,
which then informs your own sense of possibility. It's also
why I think that we could do with more admiration
in this society. Instead of being jealous of people who
are have what you want, or have the life that
(10:25):
you want, or who are doing better than you, these
people can actors basically proof that your dreams. Maybe you
aren't even that aren't big enough because this person has
managed to do it. Therefore you can too. There is
a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be acquired
through observation in a really significant way. The third way
(10:45):
we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So it's
not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged by
people who you admire, having people like a coach, a parent,
a teacher, a friend, someone that can say you're doing
a good job. You are capable of doing this positive feedback.
(11:07):
It's truly so motivational because we really do like external
validation secretly but also not secretly. And so if you
have someone who you admire who was saying like, wow,
you really are getting better and you're improving and you're
doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more. You're prepared
to fail more in some circumstances, at least because you
(11:30):
have this weird desire within you to succeed more, and
you kind of put yourself you kind of face opportunities
more often. You put yourself on the path for success
more often, even though you know that failure might be
a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in those
moments when you do fail, because you have this strong
sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities,
(11:54):
despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore, I can believe in myself.
There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can
really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who
are dismissive to childhood bullies. You know. I remember I
had a teacher once who was really really mean to me,
and I was like, why do you have beef with me?
(12:15):
Like I'm literally seven years old? And I felt really
like I remember feeling really bad about myself and not
wanting to try and not wanting to speak up. Discouragement
is equally as powerful as encouragement. That is why it
is so important to surround yourself with good people. It
may be hard to go up against this if you've had,
(12:37):
you know, a family who was really awful, or if
you were bullied, or if you do feel like your
environment is really what made you the way you were,
and it's hard to escape. But the older you get,
you do have choices to be around people who will
care about you, who will elevate you, who will encourage you.
You know, if your friends are secretly trying to tear
(12:58):
you down, or if you are constantly listening to what
people online are saying that does mean or cruel. If
you let the words of your family members really invade
your mindset confidence, it will be harder to obtain. Luckily,
we have one final source of self efficacy to talk about,
and that's our ability to manage our own emotional reaction
(13:20):
to stress. It's our physiological and emotional states, our mood,
our stress levels that can profoundly influence how we judge
our potential for success. If you're feeling calm, energized and
physically prepared for a task, you will believe in yourself
more than if you went to bed super late, or
(13:42):
if you have had too much coffee or you're hungry.
These choices matter, and these are choices that you have
control over. Basically, how you approach stress, how you learn
to relate to your emotions, how you physically prepare yourself
is a factor in whether you feel capable. But that
also means that we can create routines and patterns and
(14:03):
traditions that we know will make us feel confident and
good as a way to prepare us and counteract negative
emotional states that kind of come with doing new things
or being in front of new people. So when you
understand these four sources, it becomes really clear right that
confidence isn't an inherited trait. If you consistently seek out
(14:25):
opportunities for mastery, if you observe others who are successful,
if you go where you are valued, if you learn
how to manage your anxiety and your physiological state, your
self efficacy and therefore your confidence will likely grow. It
is important here to talk about the fact that although
(14:45):
confidence isn't inherited, it is really quite deeply influenced by
how you were raised and who you grew up around.
You know, if you again had parents who are deeply discouraging,
if you grew up in poverty, if you grew up
with you mentors or teachers or no examples of success,
(15:07):
you are starting from a harder point. And we have
to be completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring
those disadvantages. I would not be doing my job if
I sat here and said everyone starts from zero and
starts at the same starting point, you know what I mean,
and everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because
it's just not the case. But what I'm really trying
(15:29):
to say is that it is possible. So it's not
like if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed.
If you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk
down to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself,
these are things that can actually be undone. They were
done to you. That means that they have kind of
(15:49):
like a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do
upon you that you can do upon yourself, not to
reverse those things and to reverse those experiences, but to
inter great them and say that you are more than them.
We're gonna talk a little bit more about that later on,
but I think it's an important caveat to add here.
Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also
(16:11):
talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the
conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to
understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident,
you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is
a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered
(16:31):
that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets
we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've
probably heard of them before. You can either have a
fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset
believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, these
(16:55):
are static traits. They are what they are. They were
born that way. There's little that can be done to
change them. If you're good at math, it's because you
were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence,
it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you
can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This
kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to
(17:18):
sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way.
And so what that means is that when you face obstacles,
when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence
levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like
you can change them. You feel like you are always
going to be this way. In contrast, a person with
(17:39):
a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that
their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and
hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality. Those
are just starting points. In other words, they have what
we call an internal local of control. They believe in
(18:02):
their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome,
but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe
I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing,
I am confident, you act that way. You know that
how you think about your situation and how you think
(18:22):
about yourself will influence what parts of yourself grow and
expand and what parts you know ultimately shrink. The reality,
of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of already talked
about this. You know, confidence is a skill. It is
something that comes from mindset. It isn't something that you're
(18:42):
born with, but there are other things that we are
born into that can make it harder. What it's about
discerning is really when your mindset can trump those things
and when it cannot, And that's when having a formula
for confidence, or having skills and things in like your
toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling paralyzed by situations,
(19:06):
you do have options to try out to kind of
counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, counteract your
social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your belief that
you don't deserve to be there. So that really leads
to the biggest question that we have today, How do
we do that? I'm not just gonna leave you guys
here without some practical tips, including the formulas of some
(19:29):
of the most confident people in the world. How you
can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, completely yourself.
That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak. Confidence
is truly a mental game. And the good thing about
that is that if you have the right mental strategies,
(19:51):
you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply
them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you,
these strategies are coming with you as well. So the
first part of our mindset that we want to target
are the deeper beliefs that we have that we don't
deserve to be confident at all, or that people will
always be able to see through us, They will always
(20:12):
see us as a fraud, they will always know we're
faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least I
call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects of
your confidence and of your self belief. So I do
need you to become aware of your confidence blockers, or
your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite catchphrase
(20:37):
and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting yourself
out there or trying something new, probably something along the
lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going to
mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're a fraud.
Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly, but
when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then begin
(20:58):
to question them, is that thought truly one hundred percent accurate?
Like what concrete evidence do you actually have for that?
And what evidence do you have against it? You can
fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't the only
one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader also has
something to say, and they can say it louder, they
(21:19):
can freakin scream it. You get to choose what you
want to believe about the future and about where you
sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet. So
as much as your in a critic wants you to
believe that you're going to fail and you're going to
embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no more
idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that you're
going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you encounter
(21:43):
a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well,
this series of martras. I'm magnetic. People flock to me.
My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move
through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I
am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident.
(22:03):
Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports
you and elevates you, and which capture you and you
know and through all you. I need you to be
ready to kind of like throw them at your owner critic.
I kind of think of it as like throwing balls
of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine
like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic,
(22:24):
like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of
it like dissolve away whatever makes it visual for you.
Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and
your brain have a two way relationship. You are what
you tell your brain. You become the words and the
sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind
of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of
(22:48):
this is that the language that we use towards ourselves
and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking,
but actually shapes how we think. So if you are
constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may
literally narrow how you see the world and how you
see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language,
(23:10):
confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency
and you broaden your sense of the world. If you
say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so
repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point.
If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment.
I will be an image of confidence and power that
(23:31):
creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know
is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations
you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in
subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I
also want you to sincerely ask yourself right now, why
(23:52):
don't you deserve to be confident. Let's put on our
investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this
is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who
told me that I should shrink and that this is
where I belong and I should be silent, and more importantly,
what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have?
(24:15):
Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have
they been ordained to be able to do this? Do
they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed
to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't.
They just have an opinion, and you can have a
better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate
(24:35):
because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're
a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart,
you know that you have things to say and that
you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because
you have to live with yourself every single day and
they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only
with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent,
(24:57):
family member, ex boyfriend, express friend who convince you to
be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident mindset
is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, that's why
we talk about it so much. Visualize how you want
(25:17):
to enter a room before you enter it, and you
will enter the room that way. Visualize how you want
others to feel in your presence, and often they will
feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize the
eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power.
There are a few exercises to make this easier. One
(25:37):
I have spoken about before many times called the golden
Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use.
If you have ever met me at like a meetup,
or like on my book tour or at a live event,
I promise you that I have been doing this when
you have met me. This is what happens. I before
I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden
(26:03):
orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing,
but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball
of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe
out as I step into this room and expands and
expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact
with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more.
(26:23):
And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger
and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes
into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied
to me, Immediately feels you know, good around me immediately
feels like their best self, and I feel like my
best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that
(26:45):
I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously
I don't, but I do get to control my own
perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange,
but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's
not that you don't know that you can handle yourself.
It's that you're over worried with how other people are
gonna perceive you. So if you give yourself the illusion
that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else really matters,
(27:08):
and you feel the ability to be authentic and natural.
And that's what this kind of activity and exercise really
does for me. There's another one. It's known as the
golden thread trick golden or theory golden thread trick, you're
seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a golden
thread pulling from the top of your head into the sky.
(27:28):
Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and it's making
sure that you take up space. It's not gonna let
you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink. It wants
you to be present, and you have like the permission
from this golden string, this thing way up high, going
into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and to
be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it.
(27:49):
There's also the very famous act as if technique, the
act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves
behaving as if you already are the version of yourself
you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You are
already those things, even if you don't fully feel it yet.
(28:11):
We talked about modeling before, and modeling really asks you
to look at someone else who has what you have
and to kind of emulate them. You can also kind
of emulate yourself as well, right like, you can emulate
a version of yourself that you think is incredible and
who you want to become, and you can so clearly visualize.
It's not about faking it. It's about rehearsing the reality
(28:35):
that you're stepping into, and over time, the gap between
who you are and who you're acting as if begins
to close, and so you feel like that version of
you is real. It's like method acting, almost method acting
for a future version of you that you want to become.
Also not to bring up modeling again, but if it's
(28:55):
too hard to fake it, you don't have to. You
can also borrow your confidence. You can borrow other people's
innate abilities that you can borrow their sense of satisfaction
and pride in themselves. When you see someone that you
really admire, think about the coolest person you know, like
the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational person you know.
(29:19):
Think about everything that they would do in this situation
that you're scared to be and how would they hold themselves,
how would they walk in, how would they speak, how
would they communicate, how would they be? Think about that,
take it all and pretend that that's you borrow what
they have. There was a study that I read from
twenty twenty one that actually looked at how this is
(29:41):
used to help train the confidence of young Olympic athletes
or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a study done in Korea,
and the researchers basically asked their participants, who were people
who would probably one day be in the Olympics, to
borrow their confidence from someone they admired. They were paired
with an older team member or an older Olympic hopeful
(30:03):
or an Olympian even at that and they were asked
to think about them before they started swimming or dove
off the diving board, or did whatever sport they were doing.
Think about them, think about what they would do, think
about how they would stand, and their self efficacy, which
we know is a crucial ingredient, increased. Not only did
(30:25):
their self efficacy increase, they were also better able to
really shift into a flow state. They were better able
to cut through the noise of their own insecurity or
their lack of self belief and just be present in
what they were doing. So just choose someone you admire
borrow what they have. Another step to mastering confidence and
(30:45):
really building this skill like a muscle, is putting yourself
in situations where you can prove to yourself you can cope,
you can win, you can show up, you can be successful. Basically,
find ways to experience small boosts to your confidence like
those mastery experience. As we were talking about before, a
lot of building confidence is actually exposure. Like anything, if
(31:07):
you have a social phobia, like how they treat most
phobias as exposures. If you have a social phobia or
any kind of anxiety around specifically being around people. What
someone is probably going to ask you, what a therapist
is probably going to get you to do, is to
be in those spaces that terrify you the most as
much as possible. If you are terrified of dating, you
(31:29):
have to go on ten first dates to win the challenge.
If you're scared of meeting strangers, you have to go
to all these stranger events. If you're scared of giving presentations,
you have to volunteer to do them. No skill, ever,
is built simply by thinking about it. It's built through practice,
It's built through stretching, pushing yourself. And you know what,
(31:53):
that's really scary. It's really freaking scary. It's also the
only way to do it, I'm sorry to say. And
then one day, not too long in the future, you'll
suddenly find yourself being the person who is no longer
at the beginning of the story, but you know, halfway
through it, who was able to turn around and say,
I used to be someone who really struggled with this.
(32:13):
I used to be someone who didn't want a date,
who didn't want to put myself out there, who didn't
want to wear these clothes. And now I'm a success
story because I put in the work. Finally, really consciously
focus on your sphere of control. This is like the practical,
everyday application of cultivating a growth mindset and a strong
(32:35):
locus of control. When you find yourself facing a challenge
or a daunting situation or decision, you have to really
ask yourself what parts of this can I genuinely do
something about and what parts do I just have to
accept or lean into. Then critically direct your energy and
your effort solely towards the things you can influence. Your preparation,
(32:59):
your effort, your belief. You're learning your attitude, how you
choose to adapt, rather than wasting precious time and energy
on things that are never going to be something you
can change even if you try your hardest. One huge
example of something you can't control, and this might surprise you,
it's what other people choose to think of you. You
(33:20):
may be thinking like, oh, wait, what the heck, Like,
isn't that all we've been talking about? Like all those
exercises that you just told us, Like, wasn't that to
control or influence what other people think? No, those aren't
meant to change what they think. They're meant to change
what you think. They're meant to change how you think
about yourself. That is way more powerful than ever trying
(33:41):
to change other people think of you. They're going to
follow your example. How you think about yourself is how
other people will often end up thinking about you. People
can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's also
not your business. You just can't control it, and you
will go mad trying to, because trust me, there will
always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone, no
(34:04):
matter who they are. I think we've all been on
the internet long enough to know this, right you know,
literally think about like the coolest person on this planet,
like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell
you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't
like that person. There is someone out there who could
sit down with this person and have a big, in
(34:25):
depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only
came from people liking you, no one would ever be
confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there.
So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall
that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel.
What do you want from a situation? How do you
(34:45):
want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're
not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They
are often people who can admit when they're not great
at things, they can ask for help. They also know
that there will be people who don't like them, but
they know what's in their control, which is their mindset. Okay,
(35:07):
we are going to take another short break, but when
we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas
all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will
be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody.
We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously,
(35:29):
the listeners. If you want to be able to partake
in this section of the podcast, make sure you are
following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so
that you can see when I put up question boxes
for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank
you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow,
(35:51):
I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you
for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it.
This question, in some form or another, was probably the
most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident,
I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond,
where is the line? So many of you wanted to
(36:14):
know this, Where is the line between being confident and
arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question.
I think the fact that you are already aware of
this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too
much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually
be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself
(36:34):
more than you deserve to. We want to find an
authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important
to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't
think about others for a second. When you are truly confident,
you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded.
When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense, You feel anxious,
(36:55):
you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful.
Learn to tell the two part and to just stay
in the first lane. When you are authentically confident, that
comes off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off
amazingly when you are anxious, as when you actually end
up being arrogant. So as long as you can tell
(37:16):
the difference, I think you're pretty safe. I will also
say I hate the word cocky they're especially when it's
used towards others to put them down, Like there are very,
very very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky,
and yet people use that word to really keep other
people small because it benefits them to do so, or
because they think that they should get to be in
(37:37):
control of how people act when it's not of their business.
Often it is just a projection of how they think
they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should
act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't
really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry
less about being seen as cocky and more about what
feels right for you to share, what feels right for
(37:59):
you to open up about what you want to say,
how you want to act, how you feel in a situation.
If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt
yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel
true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place.
And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that
it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation
(38:20):
you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as
arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd
probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness
and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so
you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why
do we feel less confident in a group of very
(38:41):
confident people? I think there are a few explanations. Maybe.
I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space
to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because
everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably
also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these
people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people
(39:03):
really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm
just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake.
That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological
side to things, which is a bit more complex. But
we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of
highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but
(39:23):
also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply
social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an
evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to
subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So
like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with,
who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident
(39:46):
people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech.
They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain
has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret things.
There's a challenge to our social standing, even if it's
not because we have these ancient brains. In a modern setting,
you know, there isn't just one person who's always in charge.
(40:09):
There isn't just one leader who will dominate over others.
There is more space. The important thing to also remember
is that truly confident people, they are the ones who
want others to thrive and they want to elevate you.
Confident people have actually been shown to judge others less,
and they spend more time assessing themselves compared to other people.
(40:29):
So actually, in a room full of confident people, you
are probably the safest you will ever be from judgment.
So actually, this is where you should feel free to
be allowed take risks, tell stories, be who you want
to be authentically. If they judge you, that's something they
have to address, not you. Next question, does being delusional
(40:51):
actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes, yes, being delusional
can make you more confident. It's again the language and
the way that you're speaking to yourself. It relates to
that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of talked about before.
If you, you know, feel like you can be something,
(41:11):
if you just so deeply believe it, chances are that
you're more likely to act in a way that will
make that happen. Kind of relating to the first question, though,
there is a fine line here between delusion and narcissism,
and also delusion and actually putting in the work, like
confidence is a skill, not a trait. That's the title
(41:32):
of the episode. Skills require work. So saying like this
is going to happen to me, this is going to
happen for me. All great things. You should believe in yourself.
You should believe in your dreams. You also have to
do something about them. You also have to find a
way to take all of that really positive energy, like
that's a great starting point and make a plan. Be
(41:55):
willing to initiate, be willing to put yourself out there,
be willing to be cringe embarrassing, fail. That's what a
really confident person would do. But yes, being delusional one
percent very helpful. Final question, how do I feel confident
in a physical feature I can't change? I don't want
to get surgery slash, I can't. So how do I
embrace if not truly learned to love this part of me?
(42:18):
I really relate to this. Yeah, I really relate to this.
For a long time. There are things about myself that
I really wanted to change. I still do. Here's the thing.
We were not meant to be as conscious of our
appearance as we are. Appearance was not meant to be
such an important factor as it is in modern society,
(42:40):
and so of course it's really hard to love yourself
when the thing a lot of us feel judged for
first and foremost is by our looks. And it's not
just that looks signal attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever
it was meant to. It signals wealth, and it signals
social standing, and it signals all these other things that
it's just like, making it such a confusing thing to manage.
(43:03):
Ah my God, I saw this video the other day,
and not to judge this woman at all, but I
saw this video of this woman who had sperm like
what was it, like fish sperm injected into her face,
and I was like that, I imagine telling someone like
six thousand years ago that that was something that was
done like that sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's
like something that people pay for to like stay young
(43:26):
these days. And it's just the culture that we live in.
No wonder everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone
who like truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's
always something that an industry or a business or a
brand is gonna try and make you feel insecure about.
So it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this
was a problem in the first place, and what do
(43:47):
they have to gain from making me feel bad? Often,
you know, our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very
narrow ideals. It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually
not objective at all. Also, just really start by softening
the language. Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special,
(44:11):
from embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to
use that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't
have to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim
for neutrality, Aim for something that's a little bit easier,
and just saying this part of me, it exists. I
don't need to shrink because of it. Also, how you
(44:32):
look is really the least interesting thing about you. And
I know I've said that so often, and I'm sorry
if you've heard it before, but if life was all
about appearances, it would be very boring. And beauty does fade,
and beauty becomes something that people can only talk about
for so long. So focus on the other areas of
your life where you feel naturally confident and work on
(44:54):
expanding them, work on thinking about them more, putting more
time into those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractiveness, it
is something we all live with, obviously and have to consider,
and we exist in a system where that does matter.
I'm not going to deny it. But how much do
you want it to matter? How much do you want
(45:15):
it to dictate the rest of your life. That's like
a big question that I think is very existential and
that you kind of have to answer for yourself. But
I wish you the best of luck and know that
I'm there with you and I've had many a similar thought.
That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners.
I hope that this episode has given you something to
think about and given you something to apply to your
(45:38):
own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill,
not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill,
it's something that you can improve in whatever area of
your life you want to feel more like yourself and
more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips
in the comments below. If you have one that I
haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you
(45:59):
do that like is just so weird and wacky? Bit
always works and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's
like a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like,
what is it? I want to know? Make sure again
you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast,
and that you share this episode with a friend, with
a family member, with a colleague who you think could
benefit from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all
(46:24):
those things. I always forget which order they're in, but
you know, the deal really helps the show grow, helps
it reach new people also puts a bile on my
face if that's something you may or may not want
to do. But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the
Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through
the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and
what they mean for our psychology. This episode is a rerun.
(00:26):
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in
the world, it is so great to have you here
back for another episode as we, of course break down
the psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just
want to let you know that this episode actually has
(00:48):
two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister
episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you
prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this
episode to start your day or to start your week,
I'm going to leave a link in the description of
this episode for you guys to go and check it out.
(01:09):
I would love if you just gave Mantra a try.
I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love
that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties,
but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go
check it out. But as for our topic today, We're
going to talk about confidence and what it is about
(01:30):
confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how
we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright,
amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something
that you were born with. It is a skill, a
(01:51):
skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy,
actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy.
She is what simularly, she similarly is a very confident person.
She just approaches every single social situation, every work presentation,
every first date with just such a grounded, secure mindset.
(02:14):
It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so magnetic to
watch and sometimes I've even like found myself just being
like where did this come from? Like who is this
amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura, It's
like a color that almost surrounds her. And I think
it's so easy to observe people like her and conclude
(02:34):
that she was simply born with this, this is always
who she was going to become. But the thing is,
I've been friends with Percy for some time for a
long time, and I know her very well. And I
know that this is not always what she was like.
She was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she
was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled. And
(02:56):
so it really got me thinking, what does she kind
of know that we don't like? What is this formula
that she has? What are the profound kind of psychological
principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident and
people who are not confident? What is it about the
history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and what
(03:16):
about that can we change? What about ourselves can we
kind of work with to come into any situation and
just feel like we own the room, feel like we
deserve and belong to be there. Because once we understand
the science of confidence, once we kind of break down
(03:37):
the myth that confidence is only something that you are
born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we become
unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves,
in directing our lives. You know, the list could go
on and on and on. So where do we begin,
what do we do? How do we get there? That
is exactly what we are going to talk about today.
(03:58):
Your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's
begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I
should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You
either have it or you don't. Is that true or not. Well,
(04:21):
I'm going to give you the answer right now, and
then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer
is no, it's not. According to research, including a really
comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty
twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight
percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics,
(04:43):
because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of
our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent,
is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not
just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of
your orbit of control. For the most part, something like
(05:04):
confidence is something that we can change, We can kind
of intercept and form to our desires. And to truly
understand why this is the case, and to truly understand
like the foundation of confidence, you have to understand one
of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy. Self efficacy
(05:25):
is a concept that was first named or labeled I
guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous social
psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it is
basically our belief in our capacity to execute the behavior
is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms,
because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your
(05:46):
belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you
can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present
yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires.
It is not so much your belief that things will
go well. It's not so much your belief that people
(06:06):
will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside
of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we
can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great
thing about self efficacy is that it can only be
built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us.
It is not either there or not the moment we
(06:28):
are born. So there are four primary sources through which
self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources,
you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in
someone brick by brick through the process of learning and
environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first one,
(06:49):
is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, when
you successfully perform a task, especially one that you initially
found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities.
This starts like as like from like three months old.
(07:09):
Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike,
because it's a very good one. You know, the riding
a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind
of scary, like you have to balance on these two
wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll
probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve
wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with
each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance,
(07:32):
like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger.
It's all based on these moments of feeling like I
didn't believe I could do this, but I can, And
that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete
data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your
trust and your own abilities. The fact that you've kind
(07:54):
of you are capable now the brain actively seeks and
reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time
you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others,
the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your
brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments
and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of
(08:15):
managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created,
and that's really important because the more times you show
yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself
that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next,
we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of
(08:37):
course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount
by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to
yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do,
it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess
the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, models,
(09:00):
even peers are so crucial in building confidence. If you're
a budding entrepreneur and you see someone from a similar
background successfully launch their business, it sends a really powerful
message like if they can do it, maybe I can too.
This actually really explains why representation matters and is so
(09:21):
important for marginalized groups. There was a study done in
twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked high achieving
university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send letters to
students from similar backgrounds who were considering university and just
talk about their experience, talk about the fact that it's possible.
(09:42):
So there were over eleven thousand people in this study
and these letters were really positive. They were like, shoot
for the stars, you can do it. Aim higher and
the researchers tracked students application decisions and found that there
was a significant increase in applications to more prestigious unis
amongst the group that receive the letters versus groups that
(10:05):
did not. So this isn't about blind imitation. It's about
seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated by others,
which then informs your own sense of possibility. It's also
why I think that we could do with more admiration
in this society. Instead of being jealous of people who
are have what you want, or have the life that
(10:25):
you want, or who are doing better than you, these
people can actors basically proof that your dreams. Maybe you
aren't even that aren't big enough because this person has
managed to do it. Therefore you can too. There is
a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be acquired
through observation in a really significant way. The third way
(10:45):
we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So it's
not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged by
people who you admire, having people like a coach, a parent,
a teacher, a friend, someone that can say you're doing
a good job. You are capable of doing this positive feedback.
(11:07):
It's truly so motivational because we really do like external
validation secretly but also not secretly. And so if you
have someone who you admire who was saying like, wow,
you really are getting better and you're improving and you're
doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more. You're prepared
to fail more in some circumstances, at least because you
(11:30):
have this weird desire within you to succeed more, and
you kind of put yourself you kind of face opportunities
more often. You put yourself on the path for success
more often, even though you know that failure might be
a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in those
moments when you do fail, because you have this strong
sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities,
(11:54):
despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore, I can believe in myself.
There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can
really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who
are dismissive to childhood bullies. You know. I remember I
had a teacher once who was really really mean to me,
and I was like, why do you have beef with me?
(12:15):
Like I'm literally seven years old? And I felt really
like I remember feeling really bad about myself and not
wanting to try and not wanting to speak up. Discouragement
is equally as powerful as encouragement. That is why it
is so important to surround yourself with good people. It
may be hard to go up against this if you've had,
(12:37):
you know, a family who was really awful, or if
you were bullied, or if you do feel like your
environment is really what made you the way you were,
and it's hard to escape. But the older you get,
you do have choices to be around people who will
care about you, who will elevate you, who will encourage you.
You know, if your friends are secretly trying to tear
(12:58):
you down, or if you are constantly listening to what
people online are saying that does mean or cruel. If
you let the words of your family members really invade
your mindset confidence, it will be harder to obtain. Luckily,
we have one final source of self efficacy to talk about,
and that's our ability to manage our own emotional reaction
(13:20):
to stress. It's our physiological and emotional states, our mood,
our stress levels that can profoundly influence how we judge
our potential for success. If you're feeling calm, energized and
physically prepared for a task, you will believe in yourself
more than if you went to bed super late, or
(13:42):
if you have had too much coffee or you're hungry.
These choices matter, and these are choices that you have
control over. Basically, how you approach stress, how you learn
to relate to your emotions, how you physically prepare yourself
is a factor in whether you feel capable. But that
also means that we can create routines and patterns and
(14:03):
traditions that we know will make us feel confident and
good as a way to prepare us and counteract negative
emotional states that kind of come with doing new things
or being in front of new people. So when you
understand these four sources, it becomes really clear right that
confidence isn't an inherited trait. If you consistently seek out
(14:25):
opportunities for mastery, if you observe others who are successful,
if you go where you are valued, if you learn
how to manage your anxiety and your physiological state, your
self efficacy and therefore your confidence will likely grow. It
is important here to talk about the fact that although
(14:45):
confidence isn't inherited, it is really quite deeply influenced by
how you were raised and who you grew up around.
You know, if you again had parents who are deeply discouraging,
if you grew up in poverty, if you grew up
with you mentors or teachers or no examples of success,
(15:07):
you are starting from a harder point. And we have
to be completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring
those disadvantages. I would not be doing my job if
I sat here and said everyone starts from zero and
starts at the same starting point, you know what I mean,
and everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because
it's just not the case. But what I'm really trying
(15:29):
to say is that it is possible. So it's not
like if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed.
If you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk
down to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself,
these are things that can actually be undone. They were
done to you. That means that they have kind of
(15:49):
like a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do
upon you that you can do upon yourself, not to
reverse those things and to reverse those experiences, but to
inter great them and say that you are more than them.
We're gonna talk a little bit more about that later on,
but I think it's an important caveat to add here.
Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also
(16:11):
talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the
conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to
understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident,
you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is
a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered
(16:31):
that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets
we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've
probably heard of them before. You can either have a
fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset
believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, these
(16:55):
are static traits. They are what they are. They were
born that way. There's little that can be done to
change them. If you're good at math, it's because you
were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence,
it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you
can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This
kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to
(17:18):
sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way.
And so what that means is that when you face obstacles,
when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence
levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like
you can change them. You feel like you are always
going to be this way. In contrast, a person with
(17:39):
a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that
their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and
hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality. Those
are just starting points. In other words, they have what
we call an internal local of control. They believe in
(18:02):
their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome,
but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe
I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing,
I am confident, you act that way. You know that
how you think about your situation and how you think
(18:22):
about yourself will influence what parts of yourself grow and
expand and what parts you know ultimately shrink. The reality,
of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of already talked
about this. You know, confidence is a skill. It is
something that comes from mindset. It isn't something that you're
(18:42):
born with, but there are other things that we are
born into that can make it harder. What it's about
discerning is really when your mindset can trump those things
and when it cannot, And that's when having a formula
for confidence, or having skills and things in like your
toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling paralyzed by situations,
(19:06):
you do have options to try out to kind of
counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, counteract your
social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your belief that
you don't deserve to be there. So that really leads
to the biggest question that we have today, How do
we do that? I'm not just gonna leave you guys
here without some practical tips, including the formulas of some
(19:29):
of the most confident people in the world. How you
can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, completely yourself.
That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak. Confidence
is truly a mental game. And the good thing about
that is that if you have the right mental strategies,
(19:51):
you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply
them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you,
these strategies are coming with you as well. So the
first part of our mindset that we want to target
are the deeper beliefs that we have that we don't
deserve to be confident at all, or that people will
always be able to see through us, They will always
(20:12):
see us as a fraud, they will always know we're
faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least I
call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects of
your confidence and of your self belief. So I do
need you to become aware of your confidence blockers, or
your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite catchphrase
(20:37):
and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting yourself
out there or trying something new, probably something along the
lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going to
mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're a fraud.
Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly, but
when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then begin
(20:58):
to question them, is that thought truly one hundred percent accurate?
Like what concrete evidence do you actually have for that?
And what evidence do you have against it? You can
fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't the only
one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader also has
something to say, and they can say it louder, they
(21:19):
can freakin scream it. You get to choose what you
want to believe about the future and about where you
sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet. So
as much as your in a critic wants you to
believe that you're going to fail and you're going to
embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no more
idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that you're
going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you encounter
(21:43):
a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well,
this series of martras. I'm magnetic. People flock to me.
My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move
through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I
am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident.
(22:03):
Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports
you and elevates you, and which capture you and you
know and through all you. I need you to be
ready to kind of like throw them at your owner critic.
I kind of think of it as like throwing balls
of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine
like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic,
(22:24):
like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of
it like dissolve away whatever makes it visual for you.
Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and
your brain have a two way relationship. You are what
you tell your brain. You become the words and the
sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind
of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of
(22:48):
this is that the language that we use towards ourselves
and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking,
but actually shapes how we think. So if you are
constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may
literally narrow how you see the world and how you
see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language,
(23:10):
confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency
and you broaden your sense of the world. If you
say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so
repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point.
If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment.
I will be an image of confidence and power that
(23:31):
creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know
is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations
you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in
subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I
also want you to sincerely ask yourself right now, why
(23:52):
don't you deserve to be confident. Let's put on our
investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this
is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who
told me that I should shrink and that this is
where I belong and I should be silent, and more importantly,
what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have?
(24:15):
Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have
they been ordained to be able to do this? Do
they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed
to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't.
They just have an opinion, and you can have a
better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate
(24:35):
because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're
a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart,
you know that you have things to say and that
you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because
you have to live with yourself every single day and
they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only
with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent,
(24:57):
family member, ex boyfriend, express friend who convince you to
be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident mindset
is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, that's why
we talk about it so much. Visualize how you want
(25:17):
to enter a room before you enter it, and you
will enter the room that way. Visualize how you want
others to feel in your presence, and often they will
feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize the
eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power.
There are a few exercises to make this easier. One
(25:37):
I have spoken about before many times called the golden
Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use.
If you have ever met me at like a meetup,
or like on my book tour or at a live event,
I promise you that I have been doing this when
you have met me. This is what happens. I before
I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden
(26:03):
orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing,
but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball
of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe
out as I step into this room and expands and
expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact
with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more.
(26:23):
And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger
and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes
into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied
to me, Immediately feels you know, good around me immediately
feels like their best self, and I feel like my
best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that
(26:45):
I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously
I don't, but I do get to control my own
perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange,
but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's
not that you don't know that you can handle yourself.
It's that you're over worried with how other people are
gonna perceive you. So if you give yourself the illusion
that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else really matters,
(27:08):
and you feel the ability to be authentic and natural.
And that's what this kind of activity and exercise really
does for me. There's another one. It's known as the
golden thread trick golden or theory golden thread trick, you're
seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a golden
thread pulling from the top of your head into the sky.
(27:28):
Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and it's making
sure that you take up space. It's not gonna let
you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink. It wants
you to be present, and you have like the permission
from this golden string, this thing way up high, going
into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and to
be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it.
(27:49):
There's also the very famous act as if technique, the
act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves
behaving as if you already are the version of yourself
you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You are
already those things, even if you don't fully feel it yet.
(28:11):
We talked about modeling before, and modeling really asks you
to look at someone else who has what you have
and to kind of emulate them. You can also kind
of emulate yourself as well, right like, you can emulate
a version of yourself that you think is incredible and
who you want to become, and you can so clearly visualize.
It's not about faking it. It's about rehearsing the reality
(28:35):
that you're stepping into, and over time, the gap between
who you are and who you're acting as if begins
to close, and so you feel like that version of
you is real. It's like method acting, almost method acting
for a future version of you that you want to become.
Also not to bring up modeling again, but if it's
(28:55):
too hard to fake it, you don't have to. You
can also borrow your confidence. You can borrow other people's
innate abilities that you can borrow their sense of satisfaction
and pride in themselves. When you see someone that you
really admire, think about the coolest person you know, like
the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational person you know.
(29:19):
Think about everything that they would do in this situation
that you're scared to be and how would they hold themselves,
how would they walk in, how would they speak, how
would they communicate, how would they be? Think about that,
take it all and pretend that that's you borrow what
they have. There was a study that I read from
twenty twenty one that actually looked at how this is
(29:41):
used to help train the confidence of young Olympic athletes
or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a study done in Korea,
and the researchers basically asked their participants, who were people
who would probably one day be in the Olympics, to
borrow their confidence from someone they admired. They were paired
with an older team member or an older Olympic hopeful
(30:03):
or an Olympian even at that and they were asked
to think about them before they started swimming or dove
off the diving board, or did whatever sport they were doing.
Think about them, think about what they would do, think
about how they would stand, and their self efficacy, which
we know is a crucial ingredient, increased. Not only did
(30:25):
their self efficacy increase, they were also better able to
really shift into a flow state. They were better able
to cut through the noise of their own insecurity or
their lack of self belief and just be present in
what they were doing. So just choose someone you admire
borrow what they have. Another step to mastering confidence and
(30:45):
really building this skill like a muscle, is putting yourself
in situations where you can prove to yourself you can cope,
you can win, you can show up, you can be successful. Basically,
find ways to experience small boosts to your confidence like
those mastery experience. As we were talking about before, a
lot of building confidence is actually exposure. Like anything, if
(31:07):
you have a social phobia, like how they treat most
phobias as exposures. If you have a social phobia or
any kind of anxiety around specifically being around people. What
someone is probably going to ask you, what a therapist
is probably going to get you to do, is to
be in those spaces that terrify you the most as
much as possible. If you are terrified of dating, you
(31:29):
have to go on ten first dates to win the challenge.
If you're scared of meeting strangers, you have to go
to all these stranger events. If you're scared of giving presentations,
you have to volunteer to do them. No skill, ever,
is built simply by thinking about it. It's built through practice,
It's built through stretching, pushing yourself. And you know what,
(31:53):
that's really scary. It's really freaking scary. It's also the
only way to do it, I'm sorry to say. And
then one day, not too long in the future, you'll
suddenly find yourself being the person who is no longer
at the beginning of the story, but you know, halfway
through it, who was able to turn around and say,
I used to be someone who really struggled with this.
(32:13):
I used to be someone who didn't want a date,
who didn't want to put myself out there, who didn't
want to wear these clothes. And now I'm a success
story because I put in the work. Finally, really consciously
focus on your sphere of control. This is like the practical,
everyday application of cultivating a growth mindset and a strong
(32:35):
locus of control. When you find yourself facing a challenge
or a daunting situation or decision, you have to really
ask yourself what parts of this can I genuinely do
something about and what parts do I just have to
accept or lean into. Then critically direct your energy and
your effort solely towards the things you can influence. Your preparation,
(32:59):
your effort, your belief. You're learning your attitude, how you
choose to adapt, rather than wasting precious time and energy
on things that are never going to be something you
can change even if you try your hardest. One huge
example of something you can't control, and this might surprise you,
it's what other people choose to think of you. You
(33:20):
may be thinking like, oh, wait, what the heck, Like,
isn't that all we've been talking about? Like all those
exercises that you just told us, Like, wasn't that to
control or influence what other people think? No, those aren't
meant to change what they think. They're meant to change
what you think. They're meant to change how you think
about yourself. That is way more powerful than ever trying
(33:41):
to change other people think of you. They're going to
follow your example. How you think about yourself is how
other people will often end up thinking about you. People
can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's also
not your business. You just can't control it, and you
will go mad trying to, because trust me, there will
always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone, no
(34:04):
matter who they are. I think we've all been on
the internet long enough to know this, right you know,
literally think about like the coolest person on this planet,
like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell
you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't
like that person. There is someone out there who could
sit down with this person and have a big, in
(34:25):
depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only
came from people liking you, no one would ever be
confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there.
So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall
that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel.
What do you want from a situation? How do you
(34:45):
want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're
not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They
are often people who can admit when they're not great
at things, they can ask for help. They also know
that there will be people who don't like them, but
they know what's in their control, which is their mindset. Okay,
(35:07):
we are going to take another short break, but when
we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas
all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will
be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody.
We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously,
(35:29):
the listeners. If you want to be able to partake
in this section of the podcast, make sure you are
following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so
that you can see when I put up question boxes
for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank
you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow,
(35:51):
I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you
for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it.
This question, in some form or another, was probably the
most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident,
I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond,
where is the line? So many of you wanted to
(36:14):
know this, Where is the line between being confident and
arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question.
I think the fact that you are already aware of
this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too
much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually
be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself
(36:34):
more than you deserve to. We want to find an
authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important
to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't
think about others for a second. When you are truly confident,
you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded.
When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense, You feel anxious,
(36:55):
you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful.
Learn to tell the two part and to just stay
in the first lane. When you are authentically confident, that
comes off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off
amazingly when you are anxious, as when you actually end
up being arrogant. So as long as you can tell
(37:16):
the difference, I think you're pretty safe. I will also
say I hate the word cocky they're especially when it's
used towards others to put them down, Like there are very,
very very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky,
and yet people use that word to really keep other
people small because it benefits them to do so, or
because they think that they should get to be in
(37:37):
control of how people act when it's not of their business.
Often it is just a projection of how they think
they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should
act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't
really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry
less about being seen as cocky and more about what
feels right for you to share, what feels right for
(37:59):
you to open up about what you want to say,
how you want to act, how you feel in a situation.
If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt
yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel
true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place.
And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that
it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation
(38:20):
you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as
arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd
probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness
and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so
you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why
do we feel less confident in a group of very
(38:41):
confident people? I think there are a few explanations. Maybe.
I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space
to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because
everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably
also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these
people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people
(39:03):
really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm
just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake.
That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological
side to things, which is a bit more complex. But
we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of
highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but
(39:23):
also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply
social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an
evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to
subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So
like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with,
who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident
(39:46):
people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech.
They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain
has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret things.
There's a challenge to our social standing, even if it's
not because we have these ancient brains. In a modern setting,
you know, there isn't just one person who's always in charge.
(40:09):
There isn't just one leader who will dominate over others.
There is more space. The important thing to also remember
is that truly confident people, they are the ones who
want others to thrive and they want to elevate you.
Confident people have actually been shown to judge others less,
and they spend more time assessing themselves compared to other people.
(40:29):
So actually, in a room full of confident people, you
are probably the safest you will ever be from judgment.
So actually, this is where you should feel free to
be allowed take risks, tell stories, be who you want
to be authentically. If they judge you, that's something they
have to address, not you. Next question, does being delusional
(40:51):
actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes, yes, being delusional
can make you more confident. It's again the language and
the way that you're speaking to yourself. It relates to
that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of talked about before.
If you, you know, feel like you can be something,
(41:11):
if you just so deeply believe it, chances are that
you're more likely to act in a way that will
make that happen. Kind of relating to the first question, though,
there is a fine line here between delusion and narcissism,
and also delusion and actually putting in the work, like
confidence is a skill, not a trait. That's the title
(41:32):
of the episode. Skills require work. So saying like this
is going to happen to me, this is going to
happen for me. All great things. You should believe in yourself.
You should believe in your dreams. You also have to
do something about them. You also have to find a
way to take all of that really positive energy, like
that's a great starting point and make a plan. Be
(41:55):
willing to initiate, be willing to put yourself out there,
be willing to be cringe embarrassing, fail. That's what a
really confident person would do. But yes, being delusional one
percent very helpful. Final question, how do I feel confident
in a physical feature I can't change? I don't want
to get surgery slash, I can't. So how do I
embrace if not truly learned to love this part of me?
(42:18):
I really relate to this. Yeah, I really relate to this.
For a long time. There are things about myself that
I really wanted to change. I still do. Here's the thing.
We were not meant to be as conscious of our
appearance as we are. Appearance was not meant to be
such an important factor as it is in modern society,
(42:40):
and so of course it's really hard to love yourself
when the thing a lot of us feel judged for
first and foremost is by our looks. And it's not
just that looks signal attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever
it was meant to. It signals wealth, and it signals
social standing, and it signals all these other things that
it's just like, making it such a confusing thing to manage.
(43:03):
Ah my God, I saw this video the other day,
and not to judge this woman at all, but I
saw this video of this woman who had sperm like
what was it, like fish sperm injected into her face,
and I was like that, I imagine telling someone like
six thousand years ago that that was something that was
done like that sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's
like something that people pay for to like stay young
(43:26):
these days. And it's just the culture that we live in.
No wonder everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone
who like truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's
always something that an industry or a business or a
brand is gonna try and make you feel insecure about.
So it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this
was a problem in the first place, and what do
(43:47):
they have to gain from making me feel bad? Often,
you know, our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very
narrow ideals. It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually
not objective at all. Also, just really start by softening
the language. Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special,
(44:11):
from embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to
use that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't
have to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim
for neutrality, Aim for something that's a little bit easier,
and just saying this part of me, it exists. I
don't need to shrink because of it. Also, how you
(44:32):
look is really the least interesting thing about you. And
I know I've said that so often, and I'm sorry
if you've heard it before, but if life was all
about appearances, it would be very boring. And beauty does fade,
and beauty becomes something that people can only talk about
for so long. So focus on the other areas of
your life where you feel naturally confident and work on
(44:54):
expanding them, work on thinking about them more, putting more
time into those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractiveness, it
is something we all live with, obviously and have to consider,
and we exist in a system where that does matter.
I'm not going to deny it. But how much do
you want it to matter? How much do you want
(45:15):
it to dictate the rest of your life. That's like
a big question that I think is very existential and
that you kind of have to answer for yourself. But
I wish you the best of luck and know that
I'm there with you and I've had many a similar thought.
That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners.
I hope that this episode has given you something to
think about and given you something to apply to your
(45:38):
own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill,
not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill,
it's something that you can improve in whatever area of
your life you want to feel more like yourself and
more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips
in the comments below. If you have one that I
haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you
(45:59):
do that like is just so weird and wacky? Bit
always works and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's
like a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like,
what is it? I want to know? Make sure again
you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast,
and that you share this episode with a friend, with
a family member, with a colleague who you think could
benefit from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all
(46:24):
those things. I always forget which order they're in, but
you know, the deal really helps the show grow, helps
it reach new people also puts a bile on my
face if that's something you may or may not want
to do. But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind,
be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.
Host
Jemma Sbeghen
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Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.