November 27, 2025 • 17 mins
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! While the holiday season is all about love and joy it can also bring family tension and unwanted conversations. Experts suggest there is a communication tool that we can all learn to use, to help navigate and avoid emotional outbursts. “Gray rocking” begins by imagining you’re a dull gray rock… keeping a blank expression and a calm neutral tone. Aunt Debbie will be so bored talking to you, she’ll quickly move on to her next victim. However, there is one person you should NEVER try this method on, ever.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, folks, Happy Thanksgiving. It is Thursday, November twenty seventh.
And how are you holding up at the house with
some of those relatives. How many glasses of wine are
flowing right now? Is Uncle Ted on his third beer?
Is and Lucy on her second margarita and our explosive
(00:24):
conversation starting to happen. Well, we have a full proof
method for surviving that foolishness. And with that, welcome to
this episode of Amy and TJ Robes. You said this
is something I do, but I didn't know there was
a name for it.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Yes, as soon as I started reading about a sort
of communication tool that can help protect you in moments
of potentially toxic and explosive conversations, you can do something
that a lot of experts have named gray rocking. And
when I read the description of what gray rocking is,
I thought, DJ does this every day.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Okay, now what you just described, did you piece together
just based on the name what they were talking about?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
No, I heard.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
When I read the description of what gray rocking is,
I actually started laughing. So basically, I like the idea
behind it. So it's a tool they say that involves
being less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Okay, less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Right. It's become a they call it a like a
pop psychology phenomenon. It's not something that necessarily you learn
when you go to school to become a psychiatrist or
a psychologist, but it's become something. A mental health blogger
coined the phrase that's who they're giving credit to back
in twenty twelve, and it just exploded on social media
as things tend to do when someone says something that's funny,
(01:57):
that has kind of a cool name and reson and
this one resonated with a lot of people.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
So here is Here is what it basically is.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
You respond to comments, a goating comment, perhaps something that's
trying to get you to have a reaction, with a
blank expression and a calm, neutral tone. You basically imagine
that you're a dull gray rock.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
It sounds almost like you're just ignoring the person you're listening.
This is more of your You're not ignoring them, but
you're ignoring their emotion. You're not reacting to that explosive thing,
which then, in my experience, makes people go crazy.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
It one hundred percent does So when you and I
were just friends, I definitely saw you use this tool
with other people, but I had never been the recipient
of it. And then when we have had some tense
moments over the years, when you are the recipient of it, man,
(03:05):
you feel it. It's and it does. It makes you
crazy because you want someone to match where you are.
You want someone to spar with you, to be as
emotionally invested as you, and when they aren't, it is
remarkable what that experience is like.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I've never known this to be a thing or a tool.
I don't know where it came from. With me, It's
just how I'm built. I never react to somebody's emotion,
you know, I don't as crazy as things get. I
don't yell, I don't scream.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
I don't. That's just not how I handle anything.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
And somehow that's scarier.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I just I know it's you know what, it's always useless.
Always I think it's pointless. It's a waste of energy.
And if somebody's doing that, I never want to match
that energy. I can't out yell you, I can't out
emotion you.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
So do your thing, but that takes so see to me,
and they talk about this, we'll get into it. It
for most of us that takes a tremendous amount of
restraint of discipline. And while you could have it probably
with some people, other people that it's much more difficult
(04:14):
to be able to feel the emotion you're feeling on
the inside and not show it or express it on
the outside.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
Maybe I don't feel the anxiety.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
That's that I was just gonna ask you, get what
I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Get what I'm saying, all right.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
So they actually give if you know that you're walking
into a family dynamic that could possibly be explosive or
filled with tension, or you've been dealing with it today
and you have the weekend still to get through, they
actually give people some really good tips on how to
use the gray Rocking method, and a lot of it
(04:53):
starts with preparation. So they say, before you even go
to the dinner, before you go to the event, before
you go to the family gathering, repeat a mantra that
might allow you to tap into a gray rock mindset,
whatever that is, like I am calm, I am I
am gray, I am dull, I am boring, Like you
(05:15):
literally tell yourself, I am not going to be interesting wow,
Because it's also about making yourself uninteresting to talk to
if you want the conversation to end and you don't
want to be rude, or you don't want Aunt Linda
to come up and ask you ridiculous, probing questions. If
you're really boring, she'll move on to somebody who's more interesting.
(05:35):
And that's the concept that.
Speaker 4 (05:37):
Almost sounds like you're being rude.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Well you just have, so, yes, there are. That's why
they give you tips.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Okay, so you part of this is also changing your voice,
like have a flat effect. They say, a neutral tone
in your voice, so you don't so you're not like,
oh my god, hi, because that's inviting someone to come
talk to you, or it probably wouldn't invite you to
come talk to me. But you're just basically like this,
(06:03):
which is kind of boring. Okay, limit your eye contact,
it's not a problem, and only give brief, disinterested replies. Basically,
they say it's not fun to talk with somebody who
has a blank expression and doesn't seem to be absorbing
what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Okay, now, is this a tool you're supposed to use
when it's someone who is coming at you, like if
you're in an argument with a mate.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Is this a good mat is different? We'll get into that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
This is about This is about family members who you
don't have to see on a regular basis. So these
are people who you might have to see once a
year or twice a year.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
But what if they're.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Talking to you about something they're genuinely excited about and
you're not interested in. Shouldn't you just lend your ear
for something they're so excited.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
About, not if you want to get out of the conversation.
So they said, this is I like this. Think of
yourself like the sky. No matter how bad the weather,
no matter how violent the thunderstorm, the sky is not
damaged in any way.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
Oh my Christ.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
But some of this does take some mental preparation. You're
not buying it.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I am well the mental preparation. I think you lost
me a little bit. I get what you're saying. I
think it's very difficult. Like people are listening, like, give
me a real tool, and you really want me to
walk into Thanksgiving with the two kids in the back,
and I'm carrying this damn cast role and I'm supposed
to go.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
I will be boring. I will be boring.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
I will yeah to repeat a mantra, I I don't
think that's a tool.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
That most people are going to you. So what else
do you got?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Okay, so they gave they gave an example. So Uncle
Bob gets you in the corner and starts talking politics.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Okay, in previous years, you probably would have taken abait.
You would have gotten.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Into some kind of an argument that escalated, maybe even
into a shouting match. But this time, when you're gray
rocking and he says to you something just totally incendiary
about politics, this is what they suggest you do, interesting opinion?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
How's work?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Like?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
You just don't take the bait.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You switch the subject, but you keep your answers really short,
you're not rude. You acknowledge what they just said, and
then you completely pivot. And if they're not going to
get out of you what they want out of you,
they'll move on to find somebody. I mean, everyone's got
an uncle like this. He's like hey, and just loves
to poke the bear. And you know you got to
walk away. But how do you do it? And how
(08:38):
do you not take the bait?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You know what we're talking about families and Thanksgiving now.
But man, if you use that same tool at work,
you could cut down on some of the most toxic
things that happen in a workplace.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Gossip.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Right, somebody can't wait to start talking about something a something.
Oh yeah, no, I didn't hear about that, But what
time is the meeting of mark?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Right?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Don't engage in foolishness, and you know the foolishness as
soon as you hear it, pleasantly acknowledge.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
It and move on.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
That is exactly what they're suggesting. And but I do
appreciate this what we were talking about earlier.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Everyone.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I read several articles about this, and they all acknowledged
even if you're able to not respond emotionally, you don't
give that emotional rise it. It doesn't mean you're not
feeling something inside. So they're like, you're not going to
change how you feel on the inside, but you absolutely
can practice changing how you react on the outside, and
(09:36):
that makes it That's what makes it effective. So they
say that, you know, this can be incredibly difficult, especially
if someone's hitting your insecurities going right after what your
triggers are, and it sounds so easy what you're going
to and then when someone says exactly the wrong thing.
It's very hard in that moment to remember to acknowledge
(09:56):
how you're feeling on the inside, but to not show
it on the outside.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
You know, how would you poke me? You know my
triggers are well, it's my insecurities. Would you know how
to poke me?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
I wouldn't do it publicly? Wow, I might know and
I still wouldn't do it. Like, I also wonder what
people's motives are when they choose to go in that direction.
It must be a feeling of insecurity on their end,
like they want to feel superior and they know how
to take you down a notch. It's interesting though, I
touched on this when you mentioned the two of us.
(10:29):
They absolutely say, do not use this technique and a
romantic relationship. It will absolutely backfire completely. These are the
only techniques that you can use for folks who you
have a distant relationship with someone, because that's not how
you show up for a loving relationship. You don't just disengage.
(10:51):
It's not that you not acting emotionally or reacting emotionally
isn't a bad thing, but they say it's not a
way to get a romantic partner to behave Differently, like
if you think somehow I need to know you care.
I need to know you care. So I think this
is here's the quote from the psychiatrist. It's not something
you do in a relationship that you want to maintain.
(11:13):
You only do it in short bursts and relationships where
you have no choice but to maintain contact with this
person in an environment.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, so you're forced.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
To coexist with someone at work or at the family meal,
but it's not someone who you're investing in.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
A long term relationship with.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Okay, you asked me if i'd like to see how
you handle a couple questions. I came up with just
a few to see if I can trigger you. So
we'll have your your response when we come back. All
(11:54):
the holidays are upon us. It is Thanksgiving Day everybody,
and man, aren't you just enjoying your family that you
haven't seen for months? And now you're all together in
one room with lots of food, maybe some kids running around,
probably some alcohol flowing.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
What could possibly go wrong?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
It has been fun to read some coping mechanisms, some
articles that always pop up this time of year, psychiatrist
psychologists trying to help all of us handle the stress
of the holidays.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
And perhaps the.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Toxic relationships that we only have to confront or deal
with a couple of times a year, this being one
of them. And one of the communication tools they suggest
you can use is something that has been colloquial come
to be known as gray rocking.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Were you familiar with that term at all?
Speaker 4 (12:45):
I heard it?
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Neither had I.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
It was I'll just call it TJ in.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Yes, TJ is.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
You're never rude, and they're not suggesting that this is rude.
It's just letting someone know that you're not going to
go there, and that's okay thing. I think this actually
has a lot to do with boundaries and learning how
to make them, but more importantly keep them.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
You're very good at that.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Oh my goodness, because I don't know. I don't know
where that comes from and why and just time and
experience and we just don't I don't know. We've been
using this line a lot the past several days, that
honesty is one of the kindest things you can grant
to somebody, and just I don't know, I don't mind
being straight with somebody. I'm never rude about it. But
you always say this to you, baby, it's not stop
(13:30):
trying to figure out what I mean. I clearly state it.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
So that's just it's just that most people don't.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Most people talk around things, they suggest things, they hint
at things, they talk in circles.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
They are anything but direct.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So yes, you are consistent, consistently direct, which is not
something that most of us, I think, are used to.
But all right, so look, you're at Thanksgiving and someone
comes up to you because.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
I know some of the things you don't don't want
to answer.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Uh huh, So hey, DJ, long time, No see you doing.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
I like what thank you? I like what you did
with that ring for Amy? How did you propose?
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You know, that's something we just keep into ourselves right now.
It was very proud, but we haven't even told our parents.
But you probably won't be the first to know.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
That's probably gonna be my cue to leave, because if
I did have a followup, it was like, wow, it's
that's I saw the headlines.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
It's massive. How much did that sucker cost?
Speaker 4 (14:32):
Oh, my goodness, more than I care to reveal.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
All Right, Hey, I know, I know, I'm really happy
for you and Amy. I'm I'm happy y'all are engaged.
But man, sure you want to get married a third time.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Well, I'm actually looking ahead to my fourth marriage. This
is just gonna hold me until then.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Were they going to say? I mean, what are they
gonna go? Thank you? Was icond to figure that out?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
All right?
Speaker 3 (15:01):
I got one more for you, Hey, TJ?
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Who are these people in my family gathering that all
speak to me with? Hey? Wow? It's just a bunch
of women in gig eyes?
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I guess, Hey, all right, how's that podcasting income compared
to when you were that big time network anchor?
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Oh it doesn't even compare. It's not even close. And
you leave it there right.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Oh my goodness, So I need you'd be fine because
you practiced this daily, if not hourly.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
You know what, You've met my mom. She's a smartass,
and I think that's where it comes from. She has
this crazy quick wit and she's dead paining.
Speaker 4 (15:43):
You never know. You don't even know you've been insulted
till maybe the next day. What did you say?
Speaker 3 (15:48):
The moment I met your mom?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
I knew immediately where you got your your quick wit
and your personality from. I mean, you've got some elements
of your dad and you, for sure, But man, your
mom and you told me she doesn't talk much, but
when she does listen.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
I guess we all become our parents in some way
of each other.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Because part of the tactic of this communication tool is
to not say much, to say much less.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
And that's probably a good thing.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Because, as my mama always told me, everyone's favorite subject
is themselves.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Maybe I don't do well. People always think I'm outgoing,
I'm this extropt I don't like having to engage. I
don't and people I enjoy. But when you put me
in a big group where there's some expectation that you
need to be engaged rather than just if you want
to or not, I struggling. And usually in the groups
(16:47):
we're in, there's some expectation that we're supposed.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
The whole court.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yes, yes, but I have learned that it is valuable
to just turn the questions back around and get cre
cious about that person, even if they're annoying you. Maybe
especially if they're annoying you, because if they're talking about themselves,
you're not having to talk about yourself period. Well, we
hope you all are enjoying your Thanksgiving on this Thursday,
(17:13):
and hopefully you can use this tactic in WOW there's
going to be several Christmas parties, holiday parties, more gathering,
so we got weeks left of all of this festivity, so.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Just use it at the office next week.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
That's true. You could always use that as well.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
All right, thank you everybody for listening to us. I'm
Amy Roboc alongside TJ. Holmes.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
We will talk to you soon.
Hey there, folks, Happy Thanksgiving. It is Thursday, November twenty seventh.
And how are you holding up at the house with
some of those relatives. How many glasses of wine are
flowing right now? Is Uncle Ted on his third beer?
Is and Lucy on her second margarita and our explosive
(00:24):
conversation starting to happen. Well, we have a full proof
method for surviving that foolishness. And with that, welcome to
this episode of Amy and TJ Robes. You said this
is something I do, but I didn't know there was
a name for it.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Yes, as soon as I started reading about a sort
of communication tool that can help protect you in moments
of potentially toxic and explosive conversations, you can do something
that a lot of experts have named gray rocking. And
when I read the description of what gray rocking is,
I thought, DJ does this every day.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Okay, now what you just described, did you piece together
just based on the name what they were talking about?
Speaker 3 (01:10):
No, I heard.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
When I read the description of what gray rocking is,
I actually started laughing. So basically, I like the idea
behind it. So it's a tool they say that involves
being less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Okay, less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Right. It's become a they call it a like a
pop psychology phenomenon. It's not something that necessarily you learn
when you go to school to become a psychiatrist or
a psychologist, but it's become something. A mental health blogger
coined the phrase that's who they're giving credit to back
in twenty twelve, and it just exploded on social media
as things tend to do when someone says something that's funny,
(01:57):
that has kind of a cool name and reson and
this one resonated with a lot of people.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
So here is Here is what it basically is.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
You respond to comments, a goating comment, perhaps something that's
trying to get you to have a reaction, with a
blank expression and a calm, neutral tone. You basically imagine
that you're a dull gray rock.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
It sounds almost like you're just ignoring the person you're listening.
This is more of your You're not ignoring them, but
you're ignoring their emotion. You're not reacting to that explosive thing,
which then, in my experience, makes people go crazy.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
It one hundred percent does So when you and I
were just friends, I definitely saw you use this tool
with other people, but I had never been the recipient
of it. And then when we have had some tense
moments over the years, when you are the recipient of it, man,
(03:05):
you feel it. It's and it does. It makes you
crazy because you want someone to match where you are.
You want someone to spar with you, to be as
emotionally invested as you, and when they aren't, it is
remarkable what that experience is like.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I've never known this to be a thing or a tool.
I don't know where it came from. With me, It's
just how I'm built. I never react to somebody's emotion,
you know, I don't as crazy as things get. I
don't yell, I don't scream.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
I don't. That's just not how I handle anything.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
And somehow that's scarier.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I just I know it's you know what, it's always useless.
Always I think it's pointless. It's a waste of energy.
And if somebody's doing that, I never want to match
that energy. I can't out yell you, I can't out
emotion you.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
So do your thing, but that takes so see to me,
and they talk about this, we'll get into it. It
for most of us that takes a tremendous amount of
restraint of discipline. And while you could have it probably
with some people, other people that it's much more difficult
(04:14):
to be able to feel the emotion you're feeling on
the inside and not show it or express it on
the outside.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
Maybe I don't feel the anxiety.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
That's that I was just gonna ask you, get what
I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Get what I'm saying, all right.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
So they actually give if you know that you're walking
into a family dynamic that could possibly be explosive or
filled with tension, or you've been dealing with it today
and you have the weekend still to get through, they
actually give people some really good tips on how to
use the gray Rocking method, and a lot of it
(04:53):
starts with preparation. So they say, before you even go
to the dinner, before you go to the event, before
you go to the family gathering, repeat a mantra that
might allow you to tap into a gray rock mindset,
whatever that is, like I am calm, I am I
am gray, I am dull, I am boring, Like you
(05:15):
literally tell yourself, I am not going to be interesting wow,
Because it's also about making yourself uninteresting to talk to
if you want the conversation to end and you don't
want to be rude, or you don't want Aunt Linda
to come up and ask you ridiculous, probing questions. If
you're really boring, she'll move on to somebody who's more interesting.
(05:35):
And that's the concept that.
Speaker 4 (05:37):
Almost sounds like you're being rude.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Well you just have, so, yes, there are. That's why
they give you tips.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Okay, so you part of this is also changing your voice,
like have a flat effect. They say, a neutral tone
in your voice, so you don't so you're not like,
oh my god, hi, because that's inviting someone to come
talk to you, or it probably wouldn't invite you to
come talk to me. But you're just basically like this,
(06:03):
which is kind of boring. Okay, limit your eye contact,
it's not a problem, and only give brief, disinterested replies. Basically,
they say it's not fun to talk with somebody who
has a blank expression and doesn't seem to be absorbing
what you're saying.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Okay, now, is this a tool you're supposed to use
when it's someone who is coming at you, like if
you're in an argument with a mate.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Is this a good mat is different? We'll get into that.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
This is about This is about family members who you
don't have to see on a regular basis. So these
are people who you might have to see once a
year or twice a year.
Speaker 4 (06:45):
But what if they're.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Talking to you about something they're genuinely excited about and
you're not interested in. Shouldn't you just lend your ear
for something they're so excited.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
About, not if you want to get out of the conversation.
So they said, this is I like this. Think of
yourself like the sky. No matter how bad the weather,
no matter how violent the thunderstorm, the sky is not
damaged in any way.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
Oh my Christ.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
But some of this does take some mental preparation. You're
not buying it.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
I am well the mental preparation. I think you lost
me a little bit. I get what you're saying. I
think it's very difficult. Like people are listening, like, give
me a real tool, and you really want me to
walk into Thanksgiving with the two kids in the back,
and I'm carrying this damn cast role and I'm supposed
to go.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
I will be boring. I will be boring.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
I will yeah to repeat a mantra, I I don't
think that's a tool.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
That most people are going to you. So what else
do you got?
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Okay, so they gave they gave an example. So Uncle
Bob gets you in the corner and starts talking politics.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
Okay, in previous years, you probably would have taken abait.
You would have gotten.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Into some kind of an argument that escalated, maybe even
into a shouting match. But this time, when you're gray
rocking and he says to you something just totally incendiary
about politics, this is what they suggest you do, interesting opinion?
Speaker 3 (08:13):
How's work?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Like?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
You just don't take the bait.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You switch the subject, but you keep your answers really short,
you're not rude. You acknowledge what they just said, and
then you completely pivot. And if they're not going to
get out of you what they want out of you,
they'll move on to find somebody. I mean, everyone's got
an uncle like this. He's like hey, and just loves
to poke the bear. And you know you got to
walk away. But how do you do it? And how
(08:38):
do you not take the bait?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You know what we're talking about families and Thanksgiving now.
But man, if you use that same tool at work,
you could cut down on some of the most toxic
things that happen in a workplace.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Gossip.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Right, somebody can't wait to start talking about something a something.
Oh yeah, no, I didn't hear about that, But what
time is the meeting of mark?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Right?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Don't engage in foolishness, and you know the foolishness as
soon as you hear it, pleasantly acknowledge.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
It and move on.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
That is exactly what they're suggesting. And but I do
appreciate this what we were talking about earlier.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Everyone.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
I read several articles about this, and they all acknowledged
even if you're able to not respond emotionally, you don't
give that emotional rise it. It doesn't mean you're not
feeling something inside. So they're like, you're not going to
change how you feel on the inside, but you absolutely
can practice changing how you react on the outside, and
(09:36):
that makes it That's what makes it effective. So they
say that, you know, this can be incredibly difficult, especially
if someone's hitting your insecurities going right after what your
triggers are, and it sounds so easy what you're going
to and then when someone says exactly the wrong thing.
It's very hard in that moment to remember to acknowledge
(09:56):
how you're feeling on the inside, but to not show
it on the outside.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
You know, how would you poke me? You know my
triggers are well, it's my insecurities. Would you know how
to poke me?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
I wouldn't do it publicly? Wow, I might know and
I still wouldn't do it. Like, I also wonder what
people's motives are when they choose to go in that direction.
It must be a feeling of insecurity on their end,
like they want to feel superior and they know how
to take you down a notch. It's interesting though, I
touched on this when you mentioned the two of us.
(10:29):
They absolutely say, do not use this technique and a
romantic relationship. It will absolutely backfire completely. These are the
only techniques that you can use for folks who you
have a distant relationship with someone, because that's not how
you show up for a loving relationship. You don't just disengage.
(10:51):
It's not that you not acting emotionally or reacting emotionally
isn't a bad thing, but they say it's not a
way to get a romantic partner to behave Differently, like
if you think somehow I need to know you care.
I need to know you care. So I think this
is here's the quote from the psychiatrist. It's not something
you do in a relationship that you want to maintain.
(11:13):
You only do it in short bursts and relationships where
you have no choice but to maintain contact with this
person in an environment.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Yeah, so you're forced.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
To coexist with someone at work or at the family meal,
but it's not someone who you're investing in.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
A long term relationship with.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Okay, you asked me if i'd like to see how
you handle a couple questions. I came up with just
a few to see if I can trigger you. So
we'll have your your response when we come back. All
(11:54):
the holidays are upon us. It is Thanksgiving Day everybody,
and man, aren't you just enjoying your family that you
haven't seen for months? And now you're all together in
one room with lots of food, maybe some kids running around,
probably some alcohol flowing.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
What could possibly go wrong?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
It has been fun to read some coping mechanisms, some
articles that always pop up this time of year, psychiatrist
psychologists trying to help all of us handle the stress
of the holidays.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
And perhaps the.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Toxic relationships that we only have to confront or deal
with a couple of times a year, this being one
of them. And one of the communication tools they suggest
you can use is something that has been colloquial come
to be known as gray rocking.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Were you familiar with that term at all?
Speaker 4 (12:45):
I heard it?
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Neither had I.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
It was I'll just call it TJ in.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Yes, TJ is.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
You're never rude, and they're not suggesting that this is rude.
It's just letting someone know that you're not going to
go there, and that's okay thing. I think this actually
has a lot to do with boundaries and learning how
to make them, but more importantly keep them.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
You're very good at that.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Oh my goodness, because I don't know. I don't know
where that comes from and why and just time and
experience and we just don't I don't know. We've been
using this line a lot the past several days, that
honesty is one of the kindest things you can grant
to somebody, and just I don't know, I don't mind
being straight with somebody. I'm never rude about it. But
you always say this to you, baby, it's not stop
(13:30):
trying to figure out what I mean. I clearly state it.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
So that's just it's just that most people don't.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Most people talk around things, they suggest things, they hint
at things, they talk in circles.
Speaker 3 (13:44):
They are anything but direct.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
So yes, you are consistent, consistently direct, which is not
something that most of us, I think, are used to.
But all right, so look, you're at Thanksgiving and someone
comes up to you because.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
I know some of the things you don't don't want
to answer.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Uh huh, So hey, DJ, long time, No see you doing.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
I like what thank you? I like what you did
with that ring for Amy? How did you propose?
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You know, that's something we just keep into ourselves right now.
It was very proud, but we haven't even told our parents.
But you probably won't be the first to know.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
That's probably gonna be my cue to leave, because if
I did have a followup, it was like, wow, it's
that's I saw the headlines.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
It's massive. How much did that sucker cost?
Speaker 4 (14:32):
Oh, my goodness, more than I care to reveal.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
All Right, Hey, I know, I know, I'm really happy
for you and Amy. I'm I'm happy y'all are engaged.
But man, sure you want to get married a third time.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
Well, I'm actually looking ahead to my fourth marriage. This
is just gonna hold me until then.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
Were they going to say? I mean, what are they
gonna go? Thank you? Was icond to figure that out?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
All right?
Speaker 3 (15:01):
I got one more for you, Hey, TJ?
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Who are these people in my family gathering that all
speak to me with? Hey? Wow? It's just a bunch
of women in gig eyes?
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I guess, Hey, all right, how's that podcasting income compared
to when you were that big time network anchor?
Speaker 4 (15:20):
Oh it doesn't even compare. It's not even close. And
you leave it there right.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Oh my goodness, So I need you'd be fine because
you practiced this daily, if not hourly.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
You know what, You've met my mom. She's a smartass,
and I think that's where it comes from. She has
this crazy quick wit and she's dead paining.
Speaker 4 (15:43):
You never know. You don't even know you've been insulted
till maybe the next day. What did you say?
Speaker 3 (15:48):
The moment I met your mom?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
I knew immediately where you got your your quick wit
and your personality from. I mean, you've got some elements
of your dad and you, for sure, But man, your
mom and you told me she doesn't talk much, but
when she does listen.
Speaker 4 (16:05):
I guess we all become our parents in some way
of each other.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Because part of the tactic of this communication tool is
to not say much, to say much less.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
And that's probably a good thing.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Because, as my mama always told me, everyone's favorite subject
is themselves.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Maybe I don't do well. People always think I'm outgoing,
I'm this extropt I don't like having to engage. I
don't and people I enjoy. But when you put me
in a big group where there's some expectation that you
need to be engaged rather than just if you want
to or not, I struggling. And usually in the groups
(16:47):
we're in, there's some expectation that we're supposed.
Speaker 4 (16:50):
The whole court.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yes, yes, but I have learned that it is valuable
to just turn the questions back around and get cre
cious about that person, even if they're annoying you. Maybe
especially if they're annoying you, because if they're talking about themselves,
you're not having to talk about yourself period. Well, we
hope you all are enjoying your Thanksgiving on this Thursday,
(17:13):
and hopefully you can use this tactic in WOW there's
going to be several Christmas parties, holiday parties, more gathering,
so we got weeks left of all of this festivity, so.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Just use it at the office next week.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
That's true. You could always use that as well.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
All right, thank you everybody for listening to us. I'm
Amy Roboc alongside TJ. Holmes.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
We will talk to you soon.
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