January 17, 2023 • 53 mins
It’s the glow, you know! Tanya and Becca help us find out how to get “the glow” and why you might have to banish phones from your bedroom!
Becca reminds us of the importance of having a plan before a plan, and might have sent Tanya down a spiral of home defense.
And, we hear why Dean’s rejection is God’s protection!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya Red and I
Heart Radio podcast. Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in, scrubbing
in like we're scrubbing Tanya Is has just referred to
herself as a sinking ship. I feel as though I'm
(00:22):
a sinking ship over here. So we got into this
like right before we started the podcast. But you're you
had caffeine. Yeah, I'm weaning off of it. So I'm
just putting less and less in my morning espresso. So,
like I always make an espresso at home, I put
my almond milk in it, and I come to work.
I usually bring two of them with me. I'll make
(00:42):
two because I have small little cups. Is going on popular,
He's um, So I bring two in and now I've
gone down. I went down to one, and then today
I put in half the espresso. So I'm still having
the caffeine, but I'm having crazy headaches. Well, how many
days did you do? Just one? One? Yeah? That's all
(01:05):
how you wean off of something. I don't know how
to weaned before I'm terrible. Yeah, you're supposed to wean
like like you could have done like one for like
a few days, right, and then done half. It's not
like your body just adjusted after one day. So my
(01:25):
body is not adjusting. I have like gnarly headaches, and
I'm going to switch. What I realized is I'm going
to become a match a person. So yesterday Robbing and
I did some research on like, you know, a little
whisk to get like whisk it and put hot water
in it. But none of the supplies have arrived yet.
We ordered them on Amazon, so I'm gonna wean for
another like day or two. Okay, great, But isn't this
(01:45):
a sign that maybe you shouldn't have any caffeine in
your life if you're that addicted to it. You're having
these alarming But you know what's interesting, I'm surprised nobody
asked where this came from. Well, we know where it
came from. No, I don't think you know where did
it come from? So I met this gal who was
like the epitome of what I look like, what health
(02:10):
is like. She was talking to me like she just
had this energy. You know that energy and you meet
somebody you're like, wow, you have good energy. She had
that energy, and I started asking her. She was teaching
this workout class that I was in and I started
asking her about her life, and I was just like,
where is this energy coming from? Like how are you
so aligned? And she was talking about all the things
that she does not consume, which is alcohol, caffeine, She
(02:34):
goes to bed at eight thirties, She drinks a lot
of water. I mean, she teaches probably like a lot
of hot pilates classes, but it's always all in her diet.
Doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, like, none of that stuff,
like very very It's all standard things that you would expect,
you know. But then hearing it and just seeing her glow,
I was like, I want that glow. And I've been
(02:56):
doing all this stuff of getting rid of all the
toxins and trying to really you know, be anti inflammatory
for my health. And I'm like, why don't I just
take the leap and just like really go for it
this year which includes Zan's coffee and alcohol. Well, so
I think cutting alcohol might make me sad a little bit,
(03:16):
So I'm trying to slow this is interesting, This is
an interesting take on this whole thing. I'm trying to
slow off shoes, Like if you want to be this woman,
then she's giving you the exact path. I think I
want to be anybody but myself. Alcohol is a depressant,
and I think caffeine would be I think alcohol. If
(03:36):
you were like wanting to glow, I think alcohol would
be the first thing, and then maybe the caffeine. But
sometimes alcohol makes me glow more. I glow when I drunk,
a basically when I'm drunk. But that's interesting. So alcohol
will eventually happen. It's tapering off, it's slowing down, Like
(03:58):
does probably want to give up any of this? So
interesting you bring that up because I was scared he
was going to be upset about the coffee, but he
was so game and he was like I'm down to
become a watch a man and like down to do
with me. And then this morning, well this morning he
sent me some articles that explained that cutting out coffee
is not really beneficial in the anti inflammatory world. But
(04:19):
I don't know what that means yet. Look, I think
the keys Gotti plates because I don't do any of
the things you listed, and I never have my whole
life and I don't have the glow. Yeah, you don't
have the same glow as this girl. I don't interesting point, Mark,
But also I would also argue that you don't need
any of those things. You don't need alcohol, you don't
need caffeine, you don't need any of them. So here's
(04:41):
the thing in life you don't really need, Like you
don't need a home, but we have them. We do.
I think food and shelter our needs. In fact, that's
the definition of basic needs there too. I don't need
this sweater, I don't need this hair tie. But I
enjoy them in my life, right, But if you're addicted
(05:01):
to them, maybe that's something you would not want. It
feels like a deeper Perhaps I need to seek the
professional help on this one. Yeah, yeah, well okay, so
we're here, so we're weaning. We were fast, like this
is a fast ween. You've never weed like this before.
(05:23):
Let me tell you, you know, speaking of glow, you
know who has a glow, but a different type, Like
I don't know. I don't know the girl that you're
talking about, So I don't know the glow that you
speak up. I will show you her, but it's got
to see her in person. Classic Okay, great cat um
Jess Clark has a glow. She does have a glow,
and she was at Dean and Kylin's uh Jess Clark Higgins.
(05:45):
Jess Clark Higgins. Yeah, she deserves that respect. She was
at Dean and Kaylin's engagement party, which was so fun.
I loved. I had such a great dive too. And
I didn't know Jess's gonna be there, and I was
talking to her and I was, you know, some people
just have that that sparked, that glow in their eyes,
and she has it. She has it. Yeah, I agree,
(06:07):
she's special. She is special. Ben wasn't there. She just
came by herself, would for the day. She came in
for the day and it was pouring rain, and she
was like, I would do the same thing for you guys.
It was I was like, noted, we'll be sending then
where do I send it? Um? But yeah, Dean and
Kylin had their engagement party on Saturday. It was pouring rain,
(06:30):
but it was so the rain made it like romantic
and magical and cozy and it was just like such
a beautiful venue. It was so nice. It was really
really fun. I feel like a lot of the time
and people that live in l A don't like to
do things when it rains, and so it was kind
of like I felt sad for them because it's like
(06:51):
you think of rain, you just think of blah blah. Yeah. Yeah,
but it really wasn't It was such a fun, beautiful party.
My mother and father came and picked me up, thy
mother and thy father and didn't make me drive because
Haley has been in her riding camp so she wasn't there.
So I was like, they were coming to get me,
and she goes, we're gonna be a little bit later
(07:12):
than I thought, so you can go by yourself if
you want, and I was like, no, I don't want
to walk in alone. I hate go. I hate I
realized I hate walking in alone. The best part is
though I was like, I was panicking because we were
going to be about an hour late and I don't
like being late. Actually really funny, but it wasn't just
a preface this. It wasn't a like sit down dinner
(07:32):
or something. It was like a come and go, Like
the party starts at three and we weren't going to
get there closer to four because we had spectrum Man
coming to the house. Because we were we were saw
on the internet for four days. So if you want
to ask what I did for those days, I cleared
out a lot of photos out of my photo streams.
Is important. Yeah, I felt like I made use of
(07:55):
my time, did some br cleaned out some things, virtual
reality out those goggles the kids haven't so you know,
it was time well spent. But anyways, he was there
fixing the internet, and so, um, we need to answer
some questions. Also, we just had a later a bit
of a start, and so text Becca thinking she's going
to be like, I'll just uber I'm close. You know,
(08:16):
I don't want to be literally right down the street.
You could not have been chiller. She's like, I have
zero stress about getting there late. You guys come pick
me up at your leisure. I was like, okay, interesting
that you won't walk in alone. Meanwhile, just flew across
the country to arrive alone. And even when she saw
she was like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy y'all
are here. Because I didn't know if I was going
to know it, like, nope, know anyone here other than
(08:38):
obviously it's that glow. And I was thinking to myself,
could I ever do that? It's the glows? Maybe that's
going oh because I'm not glowing wow wow wow. Anyways, Um,
I realized, yeah, I don't. So any social event. I'm
(09:00):
always like when I'm when Ali or Tori sends me
an invite to something like do you want to go
to this? I always I'm like, do I get a
plus one? Because it's going alone, I'd rather just not go.
You know what's funny is those like industry events or whatever,
I never get a plus one. I always go to
them alone and I never know who's going to be
(09:20):
at them and just show up and I'm like, I go.
But yeah, I did go up to um Natasha Beret
Is it Beret? I thought she was chef Bay and
I was like, are you should follow you on Instagram?
She's like no, but I've heard that, and I was like, oh,
you look very familiar. Though she speaking of I saw her,
(09:44):
she was like, didn't get ready with me on TikTok
and she was going to Nick and Natalie's engagement party.
Oh she's friends with them, Yeah, she's really good friends
with them. Her face, I knew her face, but then
I remembered it was like the hair. Her hair was
your inspo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's probably was so
cute and you. I later found out that she has
a very different hair type than me. So if you're
going to cut your hair like someone, make sure you
(10:05):
at least have a similar texture and hair type because
that can make all the difference. Great tip for just
here to given sight where I can leave y'all with
no regrets like I have. Was there anybody at the
party that you hadn't seen in a while that you
were really excited about? Dean and Kalin's Yeah, besides jess
(10:27):
um Well, I hadn't seen um No. I haven't seen
Sarah and Wells since their wedding and stuff, and I
always love seeing them. I love talking to Sarah like,
I find her so interesting and she's so like kind
and funny. Am I missing someone? Oh? I thought? Just question,
just curious, George over here? Just was there anyone that
(10:49):
you had missed? Yeah? I hadn't seen Walls in a
really long time, and I enjoy Walls a lot the
same to enjoy Wells. Remember when you went through your
Dean phase? Yes, that was an intense wow. Yeah, it's
so funny because I forgot about the Dan phase. And
I had two of my girlfriends over, Pauline and Sophia
(11:10):
over on Friday night. They're having dinner over at the house,
and I told him that tomorrow was you know, the
next day was Dean and Kaylin's engagement party, and she
was like why, she goes, yeah, I saw the engagement.
She was I don't know why I followed him on
Instagram and I was like and then Paulina was like, yeah,
because he had like a crush on him at us
I think you probably you guys probably met somewhere. And
I was like, oh my gosh, how funny she's been
(11:31):
following Dean all these years because I had a crush
on him for like two weeks. Yeah, yeah, date right.
It crushed too as a whirlwind because then we went
to iHeart Festival and it was drawn. It was a
full yeah. Tanya was I don't know that I've ever
(11:56):
seen you like that since before or since correct. It
was because you know what was interesting. It was like
I will never date Dean. I don't want to date Dean.
We're so not compatible. And then I'm Dean's like, we'll
give me a chance. Let's go out. So I went
out with him and I was like, wait, I could
date Dean. I do think he's nice. So it was
like this roller coaster of emotions and then when he
didn't want me back, I was like, well, what the hell?
(12:17):
Why did we do this whole song and dance? Like
what is going on? I will say in hindsight, Dean's
rejection was God's protection. I love Dean, but let me
tell you, I love Dean. Kalen is a special, special
human and they are so perfect for each other, like
they are really a good team and a good partnership
(12:40):
and partner. They are partner, They are partners, and he
and I would have been a terrible partnership. And I
I am happy that it all worked out the way
that it did, but yeah, I really went through a
I just like since I've known Dean, like meeting him
post Bachelor, where he was like the way girls reacted
him when he went all went to like an Ede
(13:02):
Shearon concert together, it was like justin Bieber there was
a crowd of girls following trying to him, and I
was like what he was the moment, but knowing him
from them, and then seeing him and Kaylin at jingle Ball,
the way he looks at her like without even I
don't even know if he realizes. I was just like
I was watching her talk and I looked at him
(13:23):
in the way he was looking at her. I was like,
who I never would have thought we would see Dean
this way like this, Yeah, it is really cute. I
remember we had some sort of podcast weekend where we
all went up to like when you got COVID, and
so it was just kind of we really bonded. Robbie
and I bonded with the two of them. We played
(13:43):
fish bowl and just had like a really fun weekend
and like Dean and Robbie really hit it off. And
then at your Christmas party at the was a gingerbread
housemaking party. It was it came back like their bromance
just as like, so they have this thing. It's I
don't know, it's really cute. I love to see it.
Probably really connects with other men. I mean he connects
(14:04):
everybody because he's very thoughtful and listens. But like the
way he's like very thoughtful, especially when it comes to
like finding things with other men. I couldn't agree with
you more. It's something that it detracts me to him
so much. It's such a random thing. But even like um,
like the people that work the booth, the where you
(14:25):
get like if you know the tickets where you get
like the booth when you go to park your car
parking lot attendant. He will make conversation and be like hey, man,
like make a joke with them, like because there was
a guy like hitting the button and he's like that
nobody can figure out how to punch this button. You
gotta sit out here, is like yeah, man, Like they
have this full bromo while he's driving the car, and
(14:45):
I'm like, I love that about him because he just
engages with people. He listens. He's very intentional about like
connection with people. If it loved that about him, Yeah,
And like that's why I love because I could literally
bring him anywhere and he can really hit it off
with like anybody. Yeah, that's a really good quality to
have in somebody. Yeah, like a butterfly a partner, like
a social butterfly partner. My partner Andy uses soap, so
(15:11):
that's another advantage over Dean. Yes he does so. Yes,
it's very clean. That's a clean man. He's a clean
man and a handsome man. I got invited to this party.
It was for the O B B Media. It was
like this, I don't know, it's like a media company
(15:31):
and I didn't know what it was. When's a party?
It was it was the night of Dean and Kalen
saying you should have gone, but we could have gone
with you. I was no for an Audrey invited me,
so it was like you weren't invited. Sorry, But I
was like, oh, you know, it was like rainy, and
so I have Phoebe's home alone, so I was like,
I'm just gonna stay in. But um, it was like
(15:54):
Justin Bieber performed, Hailey Bieber was there. Alex Earle like, yes,
and you're just talking about her. I told you everybody's
talking about her. Everybody like doing research on her because
you mentioned you want to talk about her later this
week on the Secret Show. So I was doing my
research and yeah, she's getting two million followers in a
(16:14):
month's insanity. I don't think there's ever been doing what
do you mean hanging when? Yeah, like as a guest,
I'm just as a party observer. No, but what was
she doing? Was she drinking a bottle of water? I
didn't go. I forgot I didn't go. All these people
(16:36):
were there, yeah, so I didn't go. And I'm like
seeing all these videos and posts on TikTok and Instagram,
and I'm like, oh my gosh, why didn't you go?
You gotta go, you gotta go, and I gotta go.
I know. So now I'm gonna say yes everything. Oh,
this bodes well for me. What have I said no
to you for? No, You've been really good days in Yeah,
(16:58):
these have been a strong, have been pretty I've been
pretty good, yeah in seventeen days. But yeah, alex Earle,
she is just dominating the social media world. You know what.
I was watching her review are One food and I'm like,
I love this why. I'm like, I've eaten these foods,
(17:19):
I know what they taste like. Yeah, I want to Yeah,
I don't need her to tell me that it was
kind of good or like too much greens. I'm like,
I like the greens, like the colored greens. And yet
I'm want to I want to watch more. Like if
I do my gluten free reviews, I don't know if
they're going to be that engaging. But what is it
that makes her so engaging? I don't know. So I
(17:42):
went to this event for Summer Fridays last week. She
was there, but like, there were so many people there
and I just it's kind of like how we're talking
about if you met like someone that you really admired
going up and saying hi, and I just was like,
I don't know, I miss my opportunity, but you gotta
do it. I'll never forget. I saw Kelly Kelly Kelly
(18:03):
at a Kelly No No No, Kelly Lavec. She's like
a she makes recipes and she's like a wellness girl
on TikTok or sorry on Instagram, and I followed her
and I love her. And I saw her at Jessica
Alba event and I was like, oh my gosh, I
volume I'm so excited, like I totally geeked out, and
she was so sweet. Couldn't have been sweeter. Was there
like a moment where y'all were next to each other.
(18:25):
You went up to her, right up to her. Yeah,
I gotta be better about that. These people no millions
of people follow them, so they're like, I know. It's
like if somebody went up to you and said, hey,
I care. I love meeting people. So I don't know
why I fear. Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe ask her therapist
(18:47):
about that. Thank you so much. Thank you. You asked
about the eliminating things in your life and all yeah,
my extremes. Yeah, definitely, something is a great encompassing term. Yeah,
I really do go to extremes. Because now I'm like
all about phones out of the bedroom. Oh my god,
(19:09):
that's should we take a break and then talk about it. Okay,
we'll be right back. All right, we're back talking more
(19:33):
about Tommy's extremisms. And now what is the new thing?
No funds in the bedroom? Yeah, and then I do
want to remind you because I do want to talk
about it because I've been very like on TikTok lately. Um,
I tried one of the I tried the Mary Phillips TikTok. Interesting. Okay,
so let's start with the no funds in the bedroom?
No funds in the bedroom? So how did I get here?
(19:59):
How did I it on that? Okay? So it's more
Robbie you. So when Robbie gets up to go to
the restroom, he's he is on his phone. He gets
on his phone, and I've started no, no, no, he
gets up to pee, but he'll just sit there and
like something it's hard room and fall back asleep. So
he'll just like scroll blahlah blah. And I started doing
the same thing, like if I get up to the bathroom,
all I'll get my phone for the light, and then
(20:20):
I'll sit to pee and I'll just start the scrolling. Yeah,
I'll never understand that. That is so bizarre to me,
because I know I'd never fall back asleep, so I
would never be even tempt But what you pick it
up for the light. I pick it up for the
light to walk to get to the bathroom and back
without a light. Cannot why? Yeah? On what? But this
is your bedroom and your bathroom. You have there, you
(20:41):
know the route by now, you know. I don't, though,
and like Sunny's bones and toys and like there's just stuff.
So it seems like a night light in your bathroom
would really solve this problem. I still don't like the phones.
I still like the idea of the phones not being
near our heads and our space. I like I enjoy
(21:02):
watching television without us being on our phones. Like I
feel like I wanted to just become like a phone
free zone, you know, phone free zone. You have the
self discipline, right? Would would it be better to find
a self discipline rather than to ban it from your bedroom?
But I says the guy who has not had a sip,
of coffee in his life. Is that self discipline? Yeah,
(21:24):
I mean I'm attempted. I don't even know what it
tastes like. Yeah, we're addicts here, Mark, I gave my
hit of the TikTok and the Instagram. I haven't checked
my emails. Oh gosh, I don't. Actually, probably should check
my emails more. I don't. But so so I bought
a old school alarm clock and put it up in
(21:45):
the room and I've been using that, and Robbie's been
trying to stop like looking at his phone when he
gets up in the middle of the night too, and
like we're trying well, so he don't have his phone
out of the room. He does have his phone in
the room. In the room, Yeah, why gotta But you're
not weaning, You're going cold turk. Mine's not necessarily Mine's not.
(22:07):
It's just like across from me. It's not like outside.
You can't reach it from your My only issue with this,
tell me, what if there's an emergency and you need
your phone. I mean, that's my concerns. There have been
days when I've called it four in the morning saying
I need you to get right away because we have
to record some stuff or that shows more like actual emergency.
(22:28):
But um so I um when I have yeah, I
don't know. You have to figure that out. Well, if
it's in the room, then I can probably get ahold
of you. It's in the room, Okay, And I got
Robbie's number two. Correct. Do you want to hear something
I just heard about on TikTok. This guy was talking
(22:49):
about how, um, like ways to be prepared in case
of someone breaking in or something and like waste to
like because it was a video of someone being like
we were in the middle of our sleep and someone
entered our home and like we we looked at each other,
like what do we do? And he was saying, like
you need to have a plan. And he was saying,
how if you have like a smart home and you
(23:10):
have like your lights on a device that you can
control from your phone, like that is a protective because
if you are in your bedroom and someone and you
turn on the lights, they're gonna like be freaked out
that they're not in the dark anymore. Well, I don't
have a smart home, I know, but I think it's
like if you're able, I mean, I know it's a
luxury to be able to, but it's like the simple
as a light switch or switches. There's plugs. I have
(23:30):
them all over my house. They're like ten bucks each.
I'll send you a link and you can control it
with an app or with Alexa or with Google. They're
all over the place now in my home, and it's
so hard to turn the lights on and off, but
you can do it from your phone. It's great and
it makes sense to me that like that would be
a way of like protection. Don't take me down this spiral.
I think this is smart, though it's just a tip
(23:53):
that I was like, I've never gonna go home tonight
and be like, what is our plan if someone can
breaks into the house. Everyone should have on I have
like so many bars and things protecting like that I
put up at night, and like my windows and everything.
You remember when I first moved in, when I started
living alone in my apartment for the first time, and
(24:15):
I kept hearing noises, and obviously when you move into
a new apartment complex, like there are noises, but I
just wasn't aware of them because I was new and
so and I don't have locks on my bedroom doors,
so I would sleep. I took like a broom out
of my like, uh closet with all my cleaning supplies,
and I put the broom like sideways in front of
the door. And then I also thought it would work
(24:36):
as if I took it off and I could like
hit somebody with it. Those those brooms are doing a
lot of damage to people. Yeah, And I'm like, I thought,
I did have a thought though that if I have
a really like strong throwing arm, if I was able
to throw this and hit someone in the head, I
could knock them out. I can throw it, I can
throw it really hard, but I would be like have
to it would just have to hit him in the
(24:57):
right spot. So I'm just saying, like this could be,
But why do you if you want your phone, maybe
throw like you're maybe having to say, and if you
have a pair of scissors in your bedside table and
throw those, that's a good one, and hope that they
land on the because what if you wind up not
having your phone in the room with you. That's one
lesson at that point. At that point, if I'm in
the room and someone's in there, then I just got
(25:21):
having but paranoia eating paranoia, say it's fed. I think
I think it's more about having a plan and being
prepared to not assuming Oh that would never happen to me.
I think it's just like having a plan before. You
need to have a plan. And I think there's things
that you can do to prevent things. I mean, I
think the light switches is very smart. Are next door?
(25:45):
I have a ring which is similar next doors, like
an app that tells you what's going on. Ring does
that too, It's called neighborhood or something. Yeah, I hate
all that stresses me really, just breathe. My wife is
on next door and she's so paranoid because of it.
It drives me crazy because if you go to the
next door, it's just a bunch of busybodies. It's just
a bunch of freaked out people and a lot of
(26:05):
borderline race with people just kind of scared of everybody.
And it just creates a negative rule. There's some things
going on in mind, not in my neighborhood, but in
the surrounding area where I'm like, that's questionable activity. Oh
me too. I've walked my dog, custom man, I can't
even know I can say it on the podcast. Can
I say, jerking off, I've walked my dog passed a
(26:28):
man jerking off on the front lawn in my apartment complex.
Oh god, yes, that's a surprise. He was unhoused and
it was very disturbing. Was this at night, no broad daylight,
like noon on a Sunday. Wow, that is awful. And
I'm glad you don't live there anymore. I just hope
(26:49):
one day you stop paying rench. We're glad you're not there,
but maybe one day stuff won't be there. Maybe one
day of my stuff won't be there. Just fingers crossed
for that day. Well, anyways, I wasn't trying to breed
fear or paranoria. I was just saying I think it's
I took it as being like, oh, that is great advice,
Like have a plan before you need to have a plan. Yeah,
(27:12):
you love a plan. I love a plan. I'm just saying,
I don't know if the phone, like, maybe one of you.
I think if one of you keeps it, it's smart. Now, well,
maybe once you lose the addiction of needing it, you
can keep yours in the room too. Yeah, and just
put it on do not disturb. That's an option. You know.
(27:32):
We're just low learning and growing over here, we are,
and trying to become a better person. This brings me
to another topic. But what was the thing you were
going to talk about? The Mary Phillips Let's talk about that.
You know, I'm not a makeup goal like, I never
try any of these trends, but this one seemed easy enough.
It just seems like doing your makeup and reverse, so
(27:53):
I tried it. I don't know if you've noticed this
about me, but I always have lines here where, like
on my cheekbones for my bronzer. I always have lines
because I do the blush, and I just always have
these like jarring lines. I'm lying free. Yeah it looks good, right,
you're glowing. I'm glowing, and I've been doing my makeup
(28:14):
the Mary Phillips way. I tried it, and I felt
like once I put my foundation on, it just was
But did you put it your foundation on with like
a beauty blender because you're supposed to use like a
blush or not like a brush like a you're spister.
I think I did it too heavy or something, but yeah,
I finished. I was like, now I'm gonna have to
(28:35):
do like double makeup basically, so I might need to
try it again. But everyone else who does. It looks
like it's like a light and just like, oh, my
lip just such like so glowy. Yeah, I don't I
look glowy. Yeah, you're glowing glowing. You're tweaking from the
lack of caffeine. But I was gonna say, I saw
(28:57):
this other video where I don't even know who it was,
but they were saying how they're they were there a
couple of therapists was saying like, if you don't fix
like this issue and in this relationship, it's going to
probably come up in your next relationship. Which issue it
was just saying, like talking about in general, good tea.
(29:18):
Because we're gonna take a break. It works. Before we
take the break, I'm gonna text Robbie and say we
need a plan in case someone breaks. No, it's gonna
go to home alone mode and start saying booby traps.
That'd be so funny. Okay, we're back. So the video
(29:51):
is basically saying like, if you don't fix, to me,
it's more about fixing the thing that you need to
work on. So like if I'm like I'm still learning
and working on communicating my feelings and my needs, right,
it's not like natural for me to do that. But
if I am doing something that I need to work
(30:12):
on and it's causing tension or arguments, like recurring arguments
in our relationship, and I don't fix that and then
we break up, I'm like, I can't do this anymore.
Those same things are going to happen to my next relationship. Yeah,
of course, But I thought it was an interesting perspective
because I think it's to be aware enough and willing
to do the work to change things that are unhealthy
(30:35):
habits in your life takes like a commitment and like
awareness and like willingness to do it. It is so
true because I will admit before I started dating Robbie,
when I was like dating people, when I was not
in a relationship, I was like, I'm going to be
the freaking best, Like I can't get better than me.
I'm the best catch. I got it going on, like
(30:56):
you know what I mean, Like I had and I
still think that way, Like I still think I'm a
really great partner. But there are things that pop up
in our relationship that I know are on me, you
know what I mean, Like there are things traits and
things that I have, Like I like to control everything
I like to have a plan. That's how I've always been.
But when you have a partner in your life, it
can't always go every single way the way that you
(31:17):
wanted to. And that was like really hard for me,
and it's like continues to be hard for me, you
know what I mean. Like I'm waiting for, you know,
things to happen so that other things can happen, and
I want to plan other things to happen, and so
I'm like, you know, I get I get all in
my head and I get overwhelmed, and he's like you
always just I can kind of calm. He gets on
my level and he hears me out, and he's like,
I got it. I on the same thing, like he can.
(31:39):
Really we've really figured out a good system now. But
it is funny because I really had to do a
lot of work on myself and just kind of like
figuring out, Yes, these are the things I bring to
the relationship that cause tension, and how do I work
on those for myself? Because I can't control even if
I started dating somebody else, I'm gonna be the same way,
yes exactly. But I think a lot of people go, Okay,
(32:03):
this person is expecting too much of me. This relationship
isn't working. We're always fighting, and I'm going to move
on to somebody else, and then they move on. It's
like the same pattern continues on the flip side. Obviously,
if you're an unhealthy relationship and you're with someone who's
abusive or doesn't treat you well or isn't doing their part,
that's different. It's not saying like, stick, you have to
(32:24):
figure it out in this relationship or it won't work
with anyone else. It's just saying, like, if you're not
willing to work on the things that you need to
work on in one relationship, you're going to carry that
into the next relationship, which I thought was cool. It's
encouraging because like, you kind of have more power to
figure things out and make it work if you're if
(32:45):
you're willing to do the work. Yeah, And also like
taking accountability and responsibility for yourself is actually really empowering feeling.
I used to point the finger a lot like you
you you same, And I also used to like shut
down to avoid confrontation, which made me feel like I
(33:06):
was better than like I was the peacemaker, but I
really wasn't because I was just doing something that would
lead to resentment eventually, and that's that's a tough pill
to swallow. And I'm still I mean, I shut down
in a way to protect myself, and it's like I
you know, I have had to learn to trust it.
Like Hayley doesn't want to hurt me. She's never trying
(33:28):
to hurt me. But it's it's a lot, and I
think you do have to be, like I said, willing
and self aware enough to know that it's worth the
work and the challenges, because there's a lot of times
where I've been through a process of like, oh, I'm
really working on this, and I'm in the middle where
I feel like I haven't gotten to where I'm good
at it yet. But then like going back doesn't feel productive,
(33:48):
and I'm in that middle spot where I'm like, I
feel very stuck and like stagnant, and that stuck is
the worst and it's so uncomfortable. So you're kind of like,
what's the why even bother working on it? Let me
just be unhealthy. It's like a diet. It's like giving
up caffeine. It's like if you just quit to work
(34:10):
on it, yeah, and then you'll get to the other side,
and it'll be like, I'm so glad I went through
that because now I feel I'm glowing. You don't need it. Well,
now I'm going therapy. Do you drink caffee? Yes, okay,
just Mark is just a caffeine in twenty eight years. Wow,
I have had caffeine. I haven't had coffee, but I've
had caffeine. I only drink water. It's one of my rules.
(34:31):
I have a lot of rules. It works a lot
of fun. Bring him to your next party. Does your
wife or your kids drink soda or anything? Not really
soda much, but yeah, they drink whatever. You know, they
go to Starbucks and stuff like that. Yeah, okay, but
they're always freaked out if they see me drinking anything
other than water, because it's very weird for dad to
drink something other than water. Like so like if you
(34:53):
went into like a pizza restaurant, you get water to drink.
That happened, pizza better than cold loss of water. I
ever drink is water except almond milk on my cereal.
That's it. That's the rule. It's crazy, Like are these
dupas rules? Like where like why do you have these rules?
You know, it's funny. I have these rules because I
(35:15):
like to lead a disciplined life, and I think that's
the best way to live, because otherwise it gets out
of control if you just let yourself drink anything, Like
what next you're drinking? Like, well, look at that. You're
wasting so much money and calories on beverages. I have
no interest in beverages, So why would I waste money
in calories on beverages. I want if it's good calories,
(35:36):
like a nice green juice. No interest in that. And
by the way, that sounds gross. Wow, the like the
luxury of like an ice cold soda. Oh, it's really
hard to be like sometimes I just want to drink,
so I don't even need food with it. But like,
even if you're sick, you don't want to drink some
orange juice or some natural remedy better. She's trying to
(36:01):
stump him. Nothing is better than water for you, for you, Yeah,
that's what I'm saying. Taste. I enjoy the taste of water.
I have no interest in anything else. Do you think
different waters taste different? Uh, somewhat, but not in a
in a way that's going to deter me. I don't
turn down any brand of water like a bubble water.
Gross that changes the whole flavor. I hate it. No,
(36:26):
that's just how boring I am. No, I don't like everything.
I have a lot of rules, and when people ask
me for them, I can't come up with them. They
just come up throughout life. But like one is, don't
you gum? I never chew gum because I don't get it.
I don't see the point of it. It's a good
flavor for like thirty seconds and then you're just chewing
on some tasteless gray blob. Like, don't get it. As
(36:50):
a gum chewer. In my day, I chewed a lot
of gum, as you remember, stumped around tut tuting around.
I loved gum because to me, it was like, hey,
it's good for your like I was felt like I
had fresh breath when I had gone in My mouth
always felt minty fresh. I felt as if it would
(37:11):
replace like a sugar craving, Like if I was just
at work and I needed like a little sugar or something,
I'd pop a piece of gum and I felt like
I would get it. Um. I like gum to me
was like my tongue, like it was always in my
mouth like I was gum girl, and then it's so bad.
It's like bad for your job, it's bad for your teeth.
(37:34):
There's all these chemicals and gum and it like makes
you hungrier apparently. So I'm like I got rid of
gum years ago. Well, discipline life. I'm just saying, a
discipline life, because you see people that are out of control, alcohol, drugs, obesity,
whatever it is. You see just people that have just
kind of and that's why we live liveing A discipline
(37:56):
life prevents you from falling into those traps. So I'm disciplined.
Here's not the big one. Won't I brush my teeth?
No more food under any circumstances. That is a hard rule. Mark.
I just made cookies. Sorry, I brush my teeth. That
happened two nights. Ali got home the other night with
Crumble cookies, big box of Crumble cookies. Sorry, Like, can
(38:16):
you eat some of these because I don't want them
in the house. Can you get rid of them? And
it's like, no, I brush my teeth period. No brush
your teeth again, Yes, but I will not because that
is the rule. Man. The way that I brushed my
teeth last night, and then they multiple browning cookies and
(38:37):
milk and then brush them again and went to sleep
so filled, fulfilled, and continue. I'm like the amount of
brushed my teeth. I feel like I brushed my teeth constantly.
I can't. I try to implement that rule, like when
I'm like trying to be healthy, I'll be like, Okay,
once I brushed my teeth, no more. But you know, cookies,
I gotta have them. They were gluten free, gluten fretty
(39:00):
brownie cookies from where Lorenz. But yeah, those are really good.
They are really good. I really want to get to UM.
I think it's called something Laurie Laurel, Laurel, Sweet Laurel.
It's a bakery. She's all like gluten free and apparently delicious,
(39:22):
apparently come into a review I got. Okay, Someone tweeted
me and said, I'm always my whole life, I have
been told in some capacity that I resembled the Pressley.
So it was like, you look like Lisa Marie, you
look like young Priscilla my whole life. My best friends
always said it. I've never like really seen it, but
(39:42):
someone tagged me in a tweet last night and said,
Becca reminds me of young Um Priscilla Pressley, and I
was looking and yeah, I could see that one and
that one she's thinking like a funny face. But I
was like so devastated when Lisa hearing about Lisa, Marie
(40:02):
presently sad one especially we all just watched with the
Golden Clothes. It's really jarring because it's like one day
you're here, in the next she had a she had
a tough life, she really did, and like I just purstill,
I don't know, I just feel so sad for the
whole family. Was devastating. Um, should we get two emails?
They're pretty good. This one is not actually there both anonymous.
(40:25):
They're all anonymous. These days. The trend of telling us
your name when you email us is over. Anyway, This
woman says, I discovered your podcast a month or two ago,
and I've pretty much binged the whole thing since then.
It's verging on unhealthy. Honestly, Well, thank you, that's very nice.
It has brought me so much joy and also introspection
on some really important topics. I really appreciate what you
guys do in the light you spread in the world.
(40:45):
I don't have a specific scenario to ask you about,
but I'm curious to understand some of the advice you
have given in the past. I've heard you say, Mark
specifically that men are stupid and need to be taught,
that they're willing to learn, but need women to guide
them in the right direction. I have found that to
be true in past relationships. But here's my question. Why
is it up to women to teach our partners these things.
Can't they do some soul searching and figure it out
(41:06):
on their own? Or is that naive? Do you really
have to lead a horse to water and force it
to drink? Would love your thoughts on this, because I
think your advice is probably correct, I just want to
understand it. I'll start because you mentioned me, because I
was that guy, and I think a lot of it
because I've done a lot of thought thinking on this,
especially since the pandemic of why am I like I am?
(41:28):
And more importantly, why was I like I was in
my twenties, I think a lot of it with dudes
is the coddling that happens at home. The mother's son
relationship is very interesting because in most cases, not all
the sun can do no wrong. Their son walks on water,
he could rob a bank and be convicted of these crimes, like, oh,
but he's such a good boy. He's got such a
(41:50):
good heart. You know, it's never his fault. He never
does anything wrong. And then they get into their twenties
and maybe there's a living at home, but Mama, do
your laundry. Maybe they get their own place. Moms like,
I'll come by and do your laundry. It's fine, I
left lasagna in the fridge for you. You know. It's
this coddling. It results in a reft of development, and
that also gives them a mentality that they're the greatest
person in the world, even though they're completely flawed, and
(42:11):
that prevents them from evolving, maturing, and improving themselves. I
think that's where this comes from. Yes, it's terrible that
women have to do this for guys, but you're gonna
have to, I think, unless you want to wait and
marry a fifty year old who has actually finally figured
it out for themselves, because it takes forever for men
to mature. And I don't know why that is. I
(42:32):
watched my wedding video recently. I was thirty one, and
I'm just like that guy didn't have a clue and
I'm so thankful and great. My wife married me when
that guy was not marriable. He really wasn't. It took
a long time for me, And I feel like I'm
one of the good ones. So, you know, if if
(42:53):
there's something there and that guy, and you're in your
twenties or early thirties, and then so is the guy,
and there's something there. He's fun, he's handsome, he's gonna
be a good dad. You see, It's like a house
with good bones. You know, you feel like there's something there.
You can take care of the other stuff. You can.
You can wean him the theme of this episode, wean
him off the porn. You can teach him to put
(43:15):
his close in the hamper, you know, you can help
him get away from his mother coddling him to you
not coddling him. There's a way to do that, And
I'm sorry, I think you're gonna have to otherwise it's
going to be pretty lonely. You are you the only boy? Yeah,
it's just me and my sister. Do you think there's
a difference of like it being the only boy versus maybe, Yeah,
(43:36):
that's possible. Yeah, because I and I was treated completely
differently than my sister was and we joke about it now,
but I know that's a painful thing for her. Yeah,
I don't think you're wrong, but I do wonder if
that's a look. I feel like everybody needs to be
taught something, you know what I mean, Like, you teach
everybody in a relationship how to be a better Hopefully
(43:59):
your partner in life makes you become a better person.
So it's not just about teaching men, even though I
do think it, I do think that women need to
lead more in that regard. I think it's both people
teaching each other and growing and learning together. So it's
like you're never going to get a perfect person because
that perfect person is gonna clash with you in certain ways.
(44:19):
That's true. And I feel like, if you like, when
I met my wife, she was eighteen, and she was
so much more mature than I was, because when you're
in your twenties, most guys in their twenties, it's it's sports, porn,
video games. Beer wasn't beer for me, But that's kind
of life. And you think I'm awesome and this is great,
and I need to find a woman who's going to
be fine with all that stuff. For you know they'll
(44:40):
figure it out eventually, but I feel like a woman
is way more mature than a guy at a much
younger age. Yeah, but I do agree. I think that
there are things that like, even being in a relationship
with a woman, there's still things where we're like, oh,
can you do this or can you work on this?
Like I think it's just like humans having certain abbits,
And I think that men are just slower too mature
(45:05):
and develop than women, and especially emotionally and like mentally.
So I think no matter who you're with, you're going
to have things where, like like Tanya said, where they're
gonna you're gonna learn from them and they're going to
learn from you. But sometimes I do think you are
going to have to take the lead on partnership nerve.
I think dating a woman is the way to go,
(45:26):
but also Tanya, dating a fully formed mail is the
way to go. You wait till the guy was in
his bid forties and look at him. Well, yes he's great,
but that also comes with its fair share of nuances.
I suppose, so yeah, but I'm just saying if he
was five when you met him, I don't know, who knows,
totally different person all right next to one. This is
(45:48):
about Tanya and Robbie's gas station analogy. She says, help.
I've been married to my husband for a little over
three years now. I met him when I was twenty seven,
and at that point everybody around me was married with kids,
and I was ready to have that too. So I
do remember having some gut hesitations, but I got married.
My husband's been nothing but good to me. He cares
for me, make sure I'm taking care of our lives,
(46:09):
fit together well. My family loves me as a good job.
He helps around the house. I feel like I can
be myself with him. Over the past three years, though
our relationship has been no spark, no excitement. We never
even fight about anything. I told my therapist it's like
I have a good roommate to come home to every day.
Marriages go through lulls. I get that, but it shouldn't
(46:30):
have started this soon. I'm thirty one now, I'm ready
to have kids. He'd be an amazing dad, but we
have very little physical intimacy now, so how are we
supposed to have a child together. We don't have the
attraction to him to start the baby making process. I'm
at a good gas station that provides for all my
basic needs. It's not flashy, it's not exciting when you
(46:50):
pull up to it, but it's a good, reliable gas station.
Do I stay at this gas station or is there
a better gas station up the road for me? Well,
once she brings the gas, it sways my opinion slightly
because the way you're describing this man, he's a good man,
and I feel like good men are very hard to
(47:11):
come by. Unfortunately they are. There's a lot of dickheads
out there, and if he's a good man, that is
like a huge, huge check. I think, and I think
that it's not worth giving up. I feel like you
should really try maybe go to therapy. Maybe I skipped that,
but they have tried couples counts for almost a here
(47:33):
with no improvement. But could you date somebody? What is it?
I don't want to phrase it. It's your phrase that
when you met Robbie and you looked into each other
as you felt Fanny flutters Vagina tingling, that's the one. Yeah,
could you marry someone that didn't give you that feeling? Yeah?
You could? I mean I don't know, because I don't
I can't think about marrying and I wouldn't want to
(47:54):
marry anybody else but him. But yeah, I don't think
that that. Like I know lot of people that have
been married, that got married to men that they didn't
have the initial spark with that It took a couple
of dates for them to have chemistry or get that
that thing going, but they eventually got it. But they
eventually got it. But this feels like it's been years.
(48:17):
It's been four years. She's tired of feeling blive every day.
I think that, Um, remember that lady. I wish I
could remember her name because I literally loved her advice.
She was a sex therapist. Remember she was talking about
like intimacy and like how you learn each other's kind
of like sex. Yeah, wow, Eastern was a lot of fun.
(48:43):
But I think like looking into something like that because
it sounds like the physical intimacy is a huge thing
that you feel like you're missing, So like giving yourself
a chance because maybe you're it's not it's not love
love language, it's not sex language. What is it, like
your sexual intimacy preferences or whatever. You go to a
(49:04):
sex therapist too, but there's like the sexual blueprint, but
it's a different sexual blueprint, So like looking into that
and maybe going to someone who can help, because I
really do think there's a lot of um like shame
around sex and intimacy, especially when you're married and not
having it. I think there's a lot of fear of
like it's never going to come back. But it might
just be a simple that y'all have a different preference
(49:26):
in blueprint when it comes to what you want and
need in that um physical relationship. But I think you try,
and I think you try to get back to there
because I think there was something there, because to even
commit to marrying someone and spending your life with them,
there was there was something there that you were drawn to.
(49:47):
But at the same time, the other part of me goes,
how long do you give it before you say, I'm
not I'm not feeling fulfilled. I'm not. I don't feel
like I'm like even living my life and life is
moving by, and I feel like you give it more
shots in different ways, you know, maybe bring some toys
into the bedroom, maybe do a strip tease for him,
maybe make him a little porno or something. Learn learning
(50:10):
what what he wants or needs and what you want
or need, and like being able to show up for
each other that way. I think that's like a worth
it to try, because I think what what feels like
y'all are lacking is that physical intimacy. That's good advice
because turn the ability to turn on your partner is
an incredible turn on. Yeah, and I think it connects.
(50:32):
I know a lot of people are like, sex isn't
that important and like believing I I was a virgin
for however long, but I still when I dated people
the physical like Robert and I, because I was so
shut down from like even letting myself feel emotionally connected.
But we had like really like good physical chemistry, and
(50:53):
that has always been important to me. And I think
that being able to have that connection with someone is
actually when you're married and after you've been together for
a long time, can really revive the feelings of like
wanting to be around that person, the joy and the
fun of being in a relationship. So I think you
give that a shot before you just say because once again,
(51:15):
if it's happening now, couldn't happen in the next relationsh
And you go to the next gas station and maybe
this one's a little flashier, but he sucks and he like,
isn't good? Isn't good? You know, Yeah, then you gotta
go to the next gas station. Maybe that gas station
is bald but a great guy, but has no ambition,
(51:37):
lacks ambition, anonymous that saying this. I hate decisions and
big changes, so the thought of starting over makes me
break out in hives. I think we are unanimous here
that you should stick this out and figure this out
because you can make this work. I think it's worth
exhausting all efforts to make this relationship work. But I
also think at a certain point you can say I've
(51:58):
done all I can do and it's not working anymore,
and give yourself the grace to navigate that too. Well,
there we go. Sometimes I feel like we're giving advice
on situations that are so out of above us, But
that's what you need. Sometimes you just want to hear
somebody's opinion that's not involved, you know what I mean. Like,
(52:21):
it's interesting I think about that because when I have
questions or whenever I go to like you guys, or
you know, like I have go to my friends, but
they're so invested and they're so in it that they
can't really see it for what it is. Black and white.
They're looking at it straight on and not overhead correct
to which is what we're doing. We're just looking at
it straight on and she needed to hear that. She
needed to hear stay with him, stick it out. You
(52:43):
can make this work. Yeah, they're looking from the end
zone cam and not the sky exactly. I don't know
what that means, but it's not a good Well, I
think that's it for today. Friends. We will not be
back Thursday because we do not have a guest. It
will be back next hand Monday. We will because we
(53:03):
are here. That is what you you you know, consistency
that we are will be here. Well, today's Tuesday, so
we weren't that consistent. But well I'm gonna blame that
one on you. Yeah, I took the day off yesterday,
as did you know we were here? Okay, alright, love
you all. We'll be back Monday. I have a great
rest of the weeknd weekend, and we love you, Love
(53:24):
you Bye,
Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya Red and I
Heart Radio podcast. Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in, scrubbing
in like we're scrubbing Tanya Is has just referred to
herself as a sinking ship. I feel as though I'm
(00:22):
a sinking ship over here. So we got into this
like right before we started the podcast. But you're you
had caffeine. Yeah, I'm weaning off of it. So I'm
just putting less and less in my morning espresso. So,
like I always make an espresso at home, I put
my almond milk in it, and I come to work.
I usually bring two of them with me. I'll make
(00:42):
two because I have small little cups. Is going on popular,
He's um, So I bring two in and now I've
gone down. I went down to one, and then today
I put in half the espresso. So I'm still having
the caffeine, but I'm having crazy headaches. Well, how many
days did you do? Just one? One? Yeah? That's all
(01:05):
how you wean off of something. I don't know how
to weaned before I'm terrible. Yeah, you're supposed to wean
like like you could have done like one for like
a few days, right, and then done half. It's not
like your body just adjusted after one day. So my
(01:25):
body is not adjusting. I have like gnarly headaches, and
I'm going to switch. What I realized is I'm going
to become a match a person. So yesterday Robbing and
I did some research on like, you know, a little
whisk to get like whisk it and put hot water
in it. But none of the supplies have arrived yet.
We ordered them on Amazon, so I'm gonna wean for
another like day or two. Okay, great, But isn't this
(01:45):
a sign that maybe you shouldn't have any caffeine in
your life if you're that addicted to it. You're having
these alarming But you know what's interesting, I'm surprised nobody
asked where this came from. Well, we know where it
came from. No, I don't think you know where did
it come from? So I met this gal who was
like the epitome of what I look like, what health
(02:10):
is like. She was talking to me like she just
had this energy. You know that energy and you meet
somebody you're like, wow, you have good energy. She had
that energy, and I started asking her. She was teaching
this workout class that I was in and I started
asking her about her life, and I was just like,
where is this energy coming from? Like how are you
so aligned? And she was talking about all the things
that she does not consume, which is alcohol, caffeine, She
(02:34):
goes to bed at eight thirties, She drinks a lot
of water. I mean, she teaches probably like a lot
of hot pilates classes, but it's always all in her diet.
Doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, like, none of that stuff,
like very very It's all standard things that you would expect,
you know. But then hearing it and just seeing her glow,
I was like, I want that glow. And I've been
(02:56):
doing all this stuff of getting rid of all the
toxins and trying to really you know, be anti inflammatory
for my health. And I'm like, why don't I just
take the leap and just like really go for it
this year which includes Zan's coffee and alcohol. Well, so
I think cutting alcohol might make me sad a little bit,
(03:16):
So I'm trying to slow this is interesting, This is
an interesting take on this whole thing. I'm trying to
slow off shoes, Like if you want to be this woman,
then she's giving you the exact path. I think I
want to be anybody but myself. Alcohol is a depressant,
and I think caffeine would be I think alcohol. If
(03:36):
you were like wanting to glow, I think alcohol would
be the first thing, and then maybe the caffeine. But
sometimes alcohol makes me glow more. I glow when I drunk,
a basically when I'm drunk. But that's interesting. So alcohol
will eventually happen. It's tapering off, it's slowing down, Like
(03:58):
does probably want to give up any of this? So
interesting you bring that up because I was scared he
was going to be upset about the coffee, but he
was so game and he was like I'm down to
become a watch a man and like down to do
with me. And then this morning, well this morning he
sent me some articles that explained that cutting out coffee
is not really beneficial in the anti inflammatory world. But
(04:19):
I don't know what that means yet. Look, I think
the keys Gotti plates because I don't do any of
the things you listed, and I never have my whole
life and I don't have the glow. Yeah, you don't
have the same glow as this girl. I don't interesting point, Mark,
But also I would also argue that you don't need
any of those things. You don't need alcohol, you don't
need caffeine, you don't need any of them. So here's
(04:41):
the thing in life you don't really need, Like you
don't need a home, but we have them. We do.
I think food and shelter our needs. In fact, that's
the definition of basic needs there too. I don't need
this sweater, I don't need this hair tie. But I
enjoy them in my life, right, But if you're addicted
(05:01):
to them, maybe that's something you would not want. It
feels like a deeper Perhaps I need to seek the
professional help on this one. Yeah, yeah, well okay, so
we're here, so we're weaning. We were fast, like this
is a fast ween. You've never weed like this before.
(05:23):
Let me tell you, you know, speaking of glow, you
know who has a glow, but a different type, Like
I don't know. I don't know the girl that you're
talking about, So I don't know the glow that you
speak up. I will show you her, but it's got
to see her in person. Classic Okay, great cat um
Jess Clark has a glow. She does have a glow,
and she was at Dean and Kylin's uh Jess Clark Higgins.
(05:45):
Jess Clark Higgins. Yeah, she deserves that respect. She was
at Dean and Kaylin's engagement party, which was so fun.
I loved. I had such a great dive too. And
I didn't know Jess's gonna be there, and I was
talking to her and I was, you know, some people
just have that that sparked, that glow in their eyes,
and she has it. She has it. Yeah, I agree,
(06:07):
she's special. She is special. Ben wasn't there. She just
came by herself, would for the day. She came in
for the day and it was pouring rain, and she
was like, I would do the same thing for you guys.
It was I was like, noted, we'll be sending then
where do I send it? Um? But yeah, Dean and
Kylin had their engagement party on Saturday. It was pouring rain,
(06:30):
but it was so the rain made it like romantic
and magical and cozy and it was just like such
a beautiful venue. It was so nice. It was really
really fun. I feel like a lot of the time
and people that live in l A don't like to
do things when it rains, and so it was kind
of like I felt sad for them because it's like
(06:51):
you think of rain, you just think of blah blah. Yeah. Yeah,
but it really wasn't It was such a fun, beautiful party.
My mother and father came and picked me up, thy
mother and thy father and didn't make me drive because
Haley has been in her riding camp so she wasn't there.
So I was like, they were coming to get me,
and she goes, we're gonna be a little bit later
(07:12):
than I thought, so you can go by yourself if
you want, and I was like, no, I don't want
to walk in alone. I hate go. I hate I
realized I hate walking in alone. The best part is
though I was like, I was panicking because we were
going to be about an hour late and I don't
like being late. Actually really funny, but it wasn't just
a preface this. It wasn't a like sit down dinner
(07:32):
or something. It was like a come and go, Like
the party starts at three and we weren't going to
get there closer to four because we had spectrum Man
coming to the house. Because we were we were saw
on the internet for four days. So if you want
to ask what I did for those days, I cleared
out a lot of photos out of my photo streams.
Is important. Yeah, I felt like I made use of
(07:55):
my time, did some br cleaned out some things, virtual
reality out those goggles the kids haven't so you know,
it was time well spent. But anyways, he was there
fixing the internet, and so, um, we need to answer
some questions. Also, we just had a later a bit
of a start, and so text Becca thinking she's going
to be like, I'll just uber I'm close. You know,
(08:16):
I don't want to be literally right down the street.
You could not have been chiller. She's like, I have
zero stress about getting there late. You guys come pick
me up at your leisure. I was like, okay, interesting
that you won't walk in alone. Meanwhile, just flew across
the country to arrive alone. And even when she saw
she was like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy y'all
are here. Because I didn't know if I was going
to know it, like, nope, know anyone here other than
(08:38):
obviously it's that glow. And I was thinking to myself,
could I ever do that? It's the glows? Maybe that's
going oh because I'm not glowing wow wow wow. Anyways, Um,
I realized, yeah, I don't. So any social event. I'm
(09:00):
always like when I'm when Ali or Tori sends me
an invite to something like do you want to go
to this? I always I'm like, do I get a
plus one? Because it's going alone, I'd rather just not go.
You know what's funny is those like industry events or whatever,
I never get a plus one. I always go to
them alone and I never know who's going to be
(09:20):
at them and just show up and I'm like, I go.
But yeah, I did go up to um Natasha Beret
Is it Beret? I thought she was chef Bay and
I was like, are you should follow you on Instagram?
She's like no, but I've heard that, and I was like, oh,
you look very familiar. Though she speaking of I saw her,
(09:44):
she was like, didn't get ready with me on TikTok
and she was going to Nick and Natalie's engagement party.
Oh she's friends with them, Yeah, she's really good friends
with them. Her face, I knew her face, but then
I remembered it was like the hair. Her hair was
your inspo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's probably was so
cute and you. I later found out that she has
a very different hair type than me. So if you're
going to cut your hair like someone, make sure you
(10:05):
at least have a similar texture and hair type because
that can make all the difference. Great tip for just
here to given sight where I can leave y'all with
no regrets like I have. Was there anybody at the
party that you hadn't seen in a while that you
were really excited about? Dean and Kalin's Yeah, besides jess
(10:27):
um Well, I hadn't seen um No. I haven't seen
Sarah and Wells since their wedding and stuff, and I
always love seeing them. I love talking to Sarah like,
I find her so interesting and she's so like kind
and funny. Am I missing someone? Oh? I thought? Just question,
just curious, George over here? Just was there anyone that
(10:49):
you had missed? Yeah? I hadn't seen Walls in a
really long time, and I enjoy Walls a lot the
same to enjoy Wells. Remember when you went through your
Dean phase? Yes, that was an intense wow. Yeah, it's
so funny because I forgot about the Dan phase. And
I had two of my girlfriends over, Pauline and Sophia
(11:10):
over on Friday night. They're having dinner over at the house,
and I told him that tomorrow was you know, the
next day was Dean and Kaylin's engagement party, and she
was like why, she goes, yeah, I saw the engagement.
She was I don't know why I followed him on
Instagram and I was like and then Paulina was like, yeah,
because he had like a crush on him at us
I think you probably you guys probably met somewhere. And
I was like, oh my gosh, how funny she's been
(11:31):
following Dean all these years because I had a crush
on him for like two weeks. Yeah, yeah, date right.
It crushed too as a whirlwind because then we went
to iHeart Festival and it was drawn. It was a
full yeah. Tanya was I don't know that I've ever
(11:56):
seen you like that since before or since correct. It
was because you know what was interesting. It was like
I will never date Dean. I don't want to date Dean.
We're so not compatible. And then I'm Dean's like, we'll
give me a chance. Let's go out. So I went
out with him and I was like, wait, I could
date Dean. I do think he's nice. So it was
like this roller coaster of emotions and then when he
didn't want me back, I was like, well, what the hell?
(12:17):
Why did we do this whole song and dance? Like
what is going on? I will say in hindsight, Dean's
rejection was God's protection. I love Dean, but let me
tell you, I love Dean. Kalen is a special, special
human and they are so perfect for each other, like
they are really a good team and a good partnership
(12:40):
and partner. They are partner, They are partners, and he
and I would have been a terrible partnership. And I
I am happy that it all worked out the way
that it did, but yeah, I really went through a
I just like since I've known Dean, like meeting him
post Bachelor, where he was like the way girls reacted
him when he went all went to like an Ede
(13:02):
Shearon concert together, it was like justin Bieber there was
a crowd of girls following trying to him, and I
was like what he was the moment, but knowing him
from them, and then seeing him and Kaylin at jingle Ball,
the way he looks at her like without even I
don't even know if he realizes. I was just like
I was watching her talk and I looked at him
(13:23):
in the way he was looking at her. I was like,
who I never would have thought we would see Dean
this way like this, Yeah, it is really cute. I
remember we had some sort of podcast weekend where we
all went up to like when you got COVID, and
so it was just kind of we really bonded. Robbie
and I bonded with the two of them. We played
(13:43):
fish bowl and just had like a really fun weekend
and like Dean and Robbie really hit it off. And
then at your Christmas party at the was a gingerbread
housemaking party. It was it came back like their bromance
just as like, so they have this thing. It's I
don't know, it's really cute. I love to see it.
Probably really connects with other men. I mean he connects
(14:04):
everybody because he's very thoughtful and listens. But like the
way he's like very thoughtful, especially when it comes to
like finding things with other men. I couldn't agree with
you more. It's something that it detracts me to him
so much. It's such a random thing. But even like um,
like the people that work the booth, the where you
(14:25):
get like if you know the tickets where you get
like the booth when you go to park your car
parking lot attendant. He will make conversation and be like hey, man,
like make a joke with them, like because there was
a guy like hitting the button and he's like that
nobody can figure out how to punch this button. You
gotta sit out here, is like yeah, man, Like they
have this full bromo while he's driving the car, and
(14:45):
I'm like, I love that about him because he just
engages with people. He listens. He's very intentional about like
connection with people. If it loved that about him, Yeah,
And like that's why I love because I could literally
bring him anywhere and he can really hit it off
with like anybody. Yeah, that's a really good quality to
have in somebody. Yeah, like a butterfly a partner, like
a social butterfly partner. My partner Andy uses soap, so
(15:11):
that's another advantage over Dean. Yes he does so. Yes,
it's very clean. That's a clean man. He's a clean
man and a handsome man. I got invited to this party.
It was for the O B B Media. It was
like this, I don't know, it's like a media company
(15:31):
and I didn't know what it was. When's a party?
It was it was the night of Dean and Kalen
saying you should have gone, but we could have gone
with you. I was no for an Audrey invited me,
so it was like you weren't invited. Sorry, But I
was like, oh, you know, it was like rainy, and
so I have Phoebe's home alone, so I was like,
I'm just gonna stay in. But um, it was like
(15:54):
Justin Bieber performed, Hailey Bieber was there. Alex Earle like, yes,
and you're just talking about her. I told you everybody's
talking about her. Everybody like doing research on her because
you mentioned you want to talk about her later this
week on the Secret Show. So I was doing my
research and yeah, she's getting two million followers in a
(16:14):
month's insanity. I don't think there's ever been doing what
do you mean hanging when? Yeah, like as a guest,
I'm just as a party observer. No, but what was
she doing? Was she drinking a bottle of water? I
didn't go. I forgot I didn't go. All these people
(16:36):
were there, yeah, so I didn't go. And I'm like
seeing all these videos and posts on TikTok and Instagram,
and I'm like, oh my gosh, why didn't you go?
You gotta go, you gotta go, and I gotta go.
I know. So now I'm gonna say yes everything. Oh,
this bodes well for me. What have I said no
to you for? No, You've been really good days in Yeah,
(16:58):
these have been a strong, have been pretty I've been
pretty good, yeah in seventeen days. But yeah, alex Earle,
she is just dominating the social media world. You know what.
I was watching her review are One food and I'm like,
I love this why. I'm like, I've eaten these foods,
(17:19):
I know what they taste like. Yeah, I want to Yeah,
I don't need her to tell me that it was
kind of good or like too much greens. I'm like,
I like the greens, like the colored greens. And yet
I'm want to I want to watch more. Like if
I do my gluten free reviews, I don't know if
they're going to be that engaging. But what is it
that makes her so engaging? I don't know. So I
(17:42):
went to this event for Summer Fridays last week. She
was there, but like, there were so many people there
and I just it's kind of like how we're talking
about if you met like someone that you really admired
going up and saying hi, and I just was like,
I don't know, I miss my opportunity, but you gotta
do it. I'll never forget. I saw Kelly Kelly Kelly
(18:03):
at a Kelly No No No, Kelly Lavec. She's like
a she makes recipes and she's like a wellness girl
on TikTok or sorry on Instagram, and I followed her
and I love her. And I saw her at Jessica
Alba event and I was like, oh my gosh, I
volume I'm so excited, like I totally geeked out, and
she was so sweet. Couldn't have been sweeter. Was there
like a moment where y'all were next to each other.
(18:25):
You went up to her, right up to her. Yeah,
I gotta be better about that. These people no millions
of people follow them, so they're like, I know. It's
like if somebody went up to you and said, hey,
I care. I love meeting people. So I don't know
why I fear. Yeah, it's interesting. Maybe ask her therapist
(18:47):
about that. Thank you so much. Thank you. You asked
about the eliminating things in your life and all yeah,
my extremes. Yeah, definitely, something is a great encompassing term. Yeah,
I really do go to extremes. Because now I'm like
all about phones out of the bedroom. Oh my god,
(19:09):
that's should we take a break and then talk about it. Okay,
we'll be right back. All right, we're back talking more
(19:33):
about Tommy's extremisms. And now what is the new thing?
No funds in the bedroom? Yeah, and then I do
want to remind you because I do want to talk
about it because I've been very like on TikTok lately. Um,
I tried one of the I tried the Mary Phillips TikTok. Interesting. Okay,
so let's start with the no funds in the bedroom?
No funds in the bedroom? So how did I get here?
(19:59):
How did I it on that? Okay? So it's more
Robbie you. So when Robbie gets up to go to
the restroom, he's he is on his phone. He gets
on his phone, and I've started no, no, no, he
gets up to pee, but he'll just sit there and
like something it's hard room and fall back asleep. So
he'll just like scroll blahlah blah. And I started doing
the same thing, like if I get up to the bathroom,
all I'll get my phone for the light, and then
(20:20):
I'll sit to pee and I'll just start the scrolling. Yeah,
I'll never understand that. That is so bizarre to me,
because I know I'd never fall back asleep, so I
would never be even tempt But what you pick it
up for the light. I pick it up for the
light to walk to get to the bathroom and back
without a light. Cannot why? Yeah? On what? But this
is your bedroom and your bathroom. You have there, you
(20:41):
know the route by now, you know. I don't, though,
and like Sunny's bones and toys and like there's just stuff.
So it seems like a night light in your bathroom
would really solve this problem. I still don't like the phones.
I still like the idea of the phones not being
near our heads and our space. I like I enjoy
(21:02):
watching television without us being on our phones. Like I
feel like I wanted to just become like a phone
free zone, you know, phone free zone. You have the
self discipline, right? Would would it be better to find
a self discipline rather than to ban it from your bedroom?
But I says the guy who has not had a sip,
of coffee in his life. Is that self discipline? Yeah,
(21:24):
I mean I'm attempted. I don't even know what it
tastes like. Yeah, we're addicts here, Mark, I gave my
hit of the TikTok and the Instagram. I haven't checked
my emails. Oh gosh, I don't. Actually, probably should check
my emails more. I don't. But so so I bought
a old school alarm clock and put it up in
(21:45):
the room and I've been using that, and Robbie's been
trying to stop like looking at his phone when he
gets up in the middle of the night too, and
like we're trying well, so he don't have his phone
out of the room. He does have his phone in
the room. In the room, Yeah, why gotta But you're
not weaning, You're going cold turk. Mine's not necessarily Mine's not.
(22:07):
It's just like across from me. It's not like outside.
You can't reach it from your My only issue with this,
tell me, what if there's an emergency and you need
your phone. I mean, that's my concerns. There have been
days when I've called it four in the morning saying
I need you to get right away because we have
to record some stuff or that shows more like actual emergency.
(22:28):
But um so I um when I have yeah, I
don't know. You have to figure that out. Well, if
it's in the room, then I can probably get ahold
of you. It's in the room, Okay, And I got
Robbie's number two. Correct. Do you want to hear something
I just heard about on TikTok. This guy was talking
(22:49):
about how, um, like ways to be prepared in case
of someone breaking in or something and like waste to
like because it was a video of someone being like
we were in the middle of our sleep and someone
entered our home and like we we looked at each other,
like what do we do? And he was saying, like
you need to have a plan. And he was saying,
how if you have like a smart home and you
(23:10):
have like your lights on a device that you can
control from your phone, like that is a protective because
if you are in your bedroom and someone and you
turn on the lights, they're gonna like be freaked out
that they're not in the dark anymore. Well, I don't
have a smart home, I know, but I think it's
like if you're able, I mean, I know it's a
luxury to be able to, but it's like the simple
as a light switch or switches. There's plugs. I have
(23:30):
them all over my house. They're like ten bucks each.
I'll send you a link and you can control it
with an app or with Alexa or with Google. They're
all over the place now in my home, and it's
so hard to turn the lights on and off, but
you can do it from your phone. It's great and
it makes sense to me that like that would be
a way of like protection. Don't take me down this spiral.
I think this is smart, though it's just a tip
(23:53):
that I was like, I've never gonna go home tonight
and be like, what is our plan if someone can
breaks into the house. Everyone should have on I have
like so many bars and things protecting like that I
put up at night, and like my windows and everything.
You remember when I first moved in, when I started
living alone in my apartment for the first time, and
(24:15):
I kept hearing noises, and obviously when you move into
a new apartment complex, like there are noises, but I
just wasn't aware of them because I was new and
so and I don't have locks on my bedroom doors,
so I would sleep. I took like a broom out
of my like, uh closet with all my cleaning supplies,
and I put the broom like sideways in front of
the door. And then I also thought it would work
(24:36):
as if I took it off and I could like
hit somebody with it. Those those brooms are doing a
lot of damage to people. Yeah, And I'm like, I thought,
I did have a thought though that if I have
a really like strong throwing arm, if I was able
to throw this and hit someone in the head, I
could knock them out. I can throw it, I can
throw it really hard, but I would be like have
to it would just have to hit him in the
(24:57):
right spot. So I'm just saying, like this could be,
But why do you if you want your phone, maybe
throw like you're maybe having to say, and if you
have a pair of scissors in your bedside table and
throw those, that's a good one, and hope that they
land on the because what if you wind up not
having your phone in the room with you. That's one
lesson at that point. At that point, if I'm in
the room and someone's in there, then I just got
(25:21):
having but paranoia eating paranoia, say it's fed. I think
I think it's more about having a plan and being
prepared to not assuming Oh that would never happen to me.
I think it's just like having a plan before. You
need to have a plan. And I think there's things
that you can do to prevent things. I mean, I
think the light switches is very smart. Are next door?
(25:45):
I have a ring which is similar next doors, like
an app that tells you what's going on. Ring does
that too, It's called neighborhood or something. Yeah, I hate
all that stresses me really, just breathe. My wife is
on next door and she's so paranoid because of it.
It drives me crazy because if you go to the
next door, it's just a bunch of busybodies. It's just
a bunch of freaked out people and a lot of
(26:05):
borderline race with people just kind of scared of everybody.
And it just creates a negative rule. There's some things
going on in mind, not in my neighborhood, but in
the surrounding area where I'm like, that's questionable activity. Oh
me too. I've walked my dog, custom man, I can't
even know I can say it on the podcast. Can
I say, jerking off, I've walked my dog passed a
(26:28):
man jerking off on the front lawn in my apartment complex.
Oh god, yes, that's a surprise. He was unhoused and
it was very disturbing. Was this at night, no broad daylight,
like noon on a Sunday. Wow, that is awful. And
I'm glad you don't live there anymore. I just hope
(26:49):
one day you stop paying rench. We're glad you're not there,
but maybe one day stuff won't be there. Maybe one
day of my stuff won't be there. Just fingers crossed
for that day. Well, anyways, I wasn't trying to breed
fear or paranoria. I was just saying I think it's
I took it as being like, oh, that is great advice,
Like have a plan before you need to have a plan. Yeah,
(27:12):
you love a plan. I love a plan. I'm just saying,
I don't know if the phone, like, maybe one of you.
I think if one of you keeps it, it's smart. Now, well,
maybe once you lose the addiction of needing it, you
can keep yours in the room too. Yeah, and just
put it on do not disturb. That's an option. You know.
(27:32):
We're just low learning and growing over here, we are,
and trying to become a better person. This brings me
to another topic. But what was the thing you were
going to talk about? The Mary Phillips Let's talk about that.
You know, I'm not a makeup goal like, I never
try any of these trends, but this one seemed easy enough.
It just seems like doing your makeup and reverse, so
(27:53):
I tried it. I don't know if you've noticed this
about me, but I always have lines here where, like
on my cheekbones for my bronzer. I always have lines
because I do the blush, and I just always have
these like jarring lines. I'm lying free. Yeah it looks good, right,
you're glowing. I'm glowing, and I've been doing my makeup
(28:14):
the Mary Phillips way. I tried it, and I felt
like once I put my foundation on, it just was
But did you put it your foundation on with like
a beauty blender because you're supposed to use like a
blush or not like a brush like a you're spister.
I think I did it too heavy or something, but yeah,
I finished. I was like, now I'm gonna have to
(28:35):
do like double makeup basically, so I might need to
try it again. But everyone else who does. It looks
like it's like a light and just like, oh, my
lip just such like so glowy. Yeah, I don't I
look glowy. Yeah, you're glowing glowing. You're tweaking from the
lack of caffeine. But I was gonna say, I saw
(28:57):
this other video where I don't even know who it was,
but they were saying how they're they were there a
couple of therapists was saying like, if you don't fix
like this issue and in this relationship, it's going to
probably come up in your next relationship. Which issue it
was just saying, like talking about in general, good tea.
(29:18):
Because we're gonna take a break. It works. Before we
take the break, I'm gonna text Robbie and say we
need a plan in case someone breaks. No, it's gonna
go to home alone mode and start saying booby traps.
That'd be so funny. Okay, we're back. So the video
(29:51):
is basically saying like, if you don't fix, to me,
it's more about fixing the thing that you need to
work on. So like if I'm like I'm still learning
and working on communicating my feelings and my needs, right,
it's not like natural for me to do that. But
if I am doing something that I need to work
(30:12):
on and it's causing tension or arguments, like recurring arguments
in our relationship, and I don't fix that and then
we break up, I'm like, I can't do this anymore.
Those same things are going to happen to my next relationship. Yeah,
of course, But I thought it was an interesting perspective
because I think it's to be aware enough and willing
to do the work to change things that are unhealthy
(30:35):
habits in your life takes like a commitment and like
awareness and like willingness to do it. It is so
true because I will admit before I started dating Robbie,
when I was like dating people, when I was not
in a relationship, I was like, I'm going to be
the freaking best, Like I can't get better than me.
I'm the best catch. I got it going on, like
(30:56):
you know what I mean, Like I had and I
still think that way, Like I still think I'm a
really great partner. But there are things that pop up
in our relationship that I know are on me, you
know what I mean, Like there are things traits and
things that I have, Like I like to control everything
I like to have a plan. That's how I've always been.
But when you have a partner in your life, it
can't always go every single way the way that you
(31:17):
wanted to. And that was like really hard for me,
and it's like continues to be hard for me, you
know what I mean. Like I'm waiting for, you know,
things to happen so that other things can happen, and
I want to plan other things to happen, and so
I'm like, you know, I get I get all in
my head and I get overwhelmed, and he's like you
always just I can kind of calm. He gets on
my level and he hears me out, and he's like,
I got it. I on the same thing, like he can.
(31:39):
Really we've really figured out a good system now. But
it is funny because I really had to do a
lot of work on myself and just kind of like
figuring out, Yes, these are the things I bring to
the relationship that cause tension, and how do I work
on those for myself? Because I can't control even if
I started dating somebody else, I'm gonna be the same way,
yes exactly. But I think a lot of people go, Okay,
(32:03):
this person is expecting too much of me. This relationship
isn't working. We're always fighting, and I'm going to move
on to somebody else, and then they move on. It's
like the same pattern continues on the flip side. Obviously,
if you're an unhealthy relationship and you're with someone who's
abusive or doesn't treat you well or isn't doing their part,
that's different. It's not saying like, stick, you have to
(32:24):
figure it out in this relationship or it won't work
with anyone else. It's just saying, like, if you're not
willing to work on the things that you need to
work on in one relationship, you're going to carry that
into the next relationship, which I thought was cool. It's
encouraging because like, you kind of have more power to
figure things out and make it work if you're if
(32:45):
you're willing to do the work. Yeah, And also like
taking accountability and responsibility for yourself is actually really empowering feeling.
I used to point the finger a lot like you
you you same, And I also used to like shut
down to avoid confrontation, which made me feel like I
(33:06):
was better than like I was the peacemaker, but I
really wasn't because I was just doing something that would
lead to resentment eventually, and that's that's a tough pill
to swallow. And I'm still I mean, I shut down
in a way to protect myself, and it's like I
you know, I have had to learn to trust it.
Like Hayley doesn't want to hurt me. She's never trying
(33:28):
to hurt me. But it's it's a lot, and I
think you do have to be, like I said, willing
and self aware enough to know that it's worth the
work and the challenges, because there's a lot of times
where I've been through a process of like, oh, I'm
really working on this, and I'm in the middle where
I feel like I haven't gotten to where I'm good
at it yet. But then like going back doesn't feel productive,
(33:48):
and I'm in that middle spot where I'm like, I
feel very stuck and like stagnant, and that stuck is
the worst and it's so uncomfortable. So you're kind of like,
what's the why even bother working on it? Let me
just be unhealthy. It's like a diet. It's like giving
up caffeine. It's like if you just quit to work
(34:10):
on it, yeah, and then you'll get to the other side,
and it'll be like, I'm so glad I went through
that because now I feel I'm glowing. You don't need it. Well,
now I'm going therapy. Do you drink caffee? Yes, okay,
just Mark is just a caffeine in twenty eight years. Wow,
I have had caffeine. I haven't had coffee, but I've
had caffeine. I only drink water. It's one of my rules.
(34:31):
I have a lot of rules. It works a lot
of fun. Bring him to your next party. Does your
wife or your kids drink soda or anything? Not really
soda much, but yeah, they drink whatever. You know, they
go to Starbucks and stuff like that. Yeah, okay, but
they're always freaked out if they see me drinking anything
other than water, because it's very weird for dad to
drink something other than water. Like so like if you
(34:53):
went into like a pizza restaurant, you get water to drink.
That happened, pizza better than cold loss of water. I
ever drink is water except almond milk on my cereal.
That's it. That's the rule. It's crazy, Like are these
dupas rules? Like where like why do you have these rules?
You know, it's funny. I have these rules because I
(35:15):
like to lead a disciplined life, and I think that's
the best way to live, because otherwise it gets out
of control if you just let yourself drink anything, Like
what next you're drinking? Like, well, look at that. You're
wasting so much money and calories on beverages. I have
no interest in beverages, So why would I waste money
in calories on beverages. I want if it's good calories,
(35:36):
like a nice green juice. No interest in that. And
by the way, that sounds gross. Wow, the like the
luxury of like an ice cold soda. Oh, it's really
hard to be like sometimes I just want to drink,
so I don't even need food with it. But like,
even if you're sick, you don't want to drink some
orange juice or some natural remedy better. She's trying to
(36:01):
stump him. Nothing is better than water for you, for you, Yeah,
that's what I'm saying. Taste. I enjoy the taste of water.
I have no interest in anything else. Do you think
different waters taste different? Uh, somewhat, but not in a
in a way that's going to deter me. I don't
turn down any brand of water like a bubble water.
Gross that changes the whole flavor. I hate it. No,
(36:26):
that's just how boring I am. No, I don't like everything.
I have a lot of rules, and when people ask
me for them, I can't come up with them. They
just come up throughout life. But like one is, don't
you gum? I never chew gum because I don't get it.
I don't see the point of it. It's a good
flavor for like thirty seconds and then you're just chewing
on some tasteless gray blob. Like, don't get it. As
(36:50):
a gum chewer. In my day, I chewed a lot
of gum, as you remember, stumped around tut tuting around.
I loved gum because to me, it was like, hey,
it's good for your like I was felt like I
had fresh breath when I had gone in My mouth
always felt minty fresh. I felt as if it would
(37:11):
replace like a sugar craving, Like if I was just
at work and I needed like a little sugar or something,
I'd pop a piece of gum and I felt like
I would get it. Um. I like gum to me
was like my tongue, like it was always in my
mouth like I was gum girl, and then it's so bad.
It's like bad for your job, it's bad for your teeth.
(37:34):
There's all these chemicals and gum and it like makes
you hungrier apparently. So I'm like I got rid of
gum years ago. Well, discipline life. I'm just saying, a
discipline life, because you see people that are out of control, alcohol, drugs, obesity,
whatever it is. You see just people that have just
kind of and that's why we live liveing A discipline
(37:56):
life prevents you from falling into those traps. So I'm disciplined.
Here's not the big one. Won't I brush my teeth?
No more food under any circumstances. That is a hard rule. Mark.
I just made cookies. Sorry, I brush my teeth. That
happened two nights. Ali got home the other night with
Crumble cookies, big box of Crumble cookies. Sorry, Like, can
(38:16):
you eat some of these because I don't want them
in the house. Can you get rid of them? And
it's like, no, I brush my teeth period. No brush
your teeth again, Yes, but I will not because that
is the rule. Man. The way that I brushed my
teeth last night, and then they multiple browning cookies and
(38:37):
milk and then brush them again and went to sleep
so filled, fulfilled, and continue. I'm like the amount of
brushed my teeth. I feel like I brushed my teeth constantly.
I can't. I try to implement that rule, like when
I'm like trying to be healthy, I'll be like, Okay,
once I brushed my teeth, no more. But you know, cookies,
I gotta have them. They were gluten free, gluten fretty
(39:00):
brownie cookies from where Lorenz. But yeah, those are really good.
They are really good. I really want to get to UM.
I think it's called something Laurie Laurel, Laurel, Sweet Laurel.
It's a bakery. She's all like gluten free and apparently delicious,
(39:22):
apparently come into a review I got. Okay, Someone tweeted
me and said, I'm always my whole life, I have
been told in some capacity that I resembled the Pressley.
So it was like, you look like Lisa Marie, you
look like young Priscilla my whole life. My best friends
always said it. I've never like really seen it, but
(39:42):
someone tagged me in a tweet last night and said,
Becca reminds me of young Um Priscilla Pressley, and I
was looking and yeah, I could see that one and
that one she's thinking like a funny face. But I
was like so devastated when Lisa hearing about Lisa, Marie
(40:02):
presently sad one especially we all just watched with the
Golden Clothes. It's really jarring because it's like one day
you're here, in the next she had a she had
a tough life, she really did, and like I just purstill,
I don't know, I just feel so sad for the
whole family. Was devastating. Um, should we get two emails?
They're pretty good. This one is not actually there both anonymous.
(40:25):
They're all anonymous. These days. The trend of telling us
your name when you email us is over. Anyway, This
woman says, I discovered your podcast a month or two ago,
and I've pretty much binged the whole thing since then.
It's verging on unhealthy. Honestly, Well, thank you, that's very nice.
It has brought me so much joy and also introspection
on some really important topics. I really appreciate what you
guys do in the light you spread in the world.
(40:45):
I don't have a specific scenario to ask you about,
but I'm curious to understand some of the advice you
have given in the past. I've heard you say, Mark
specifically that men are stupid and need to be taught,
that they're willing to learn, but need women to guide
them in the right direction. I have found that to
be true in past relationships. But here's my question. Why
is it up to women to teach our partners these things.
Can't they do some soul searching and figure it out
(41:06):
on their own? Or is that naive? Do you really
have to lead a horse to water and force it
to drink? Would love your thoughts on this, because I
think your advice is probably correct, I just want to
understand it. I'll start because you mentioned me, because I
was that guy, and I think a lot of it
because I've done a lot of thought thinking on this,
especially since the pandemic of why am I like I am?
(41:28):
And more importantly, why was I like I was in
my twenties, I think a lot of it with dudes
is the coddling that happens at home. The mother's son
relationship is very interesting because in most cases, not all
the sun can do no wrong. Their son walks on water,
he could rob a bank and be convicted of these crimes, like, oh,
but he's such a good boy. He's got such a
(41:50):
good heart. You know, it's never his fault. He never
does anything wrong. And then they get into their twenties
and maybe there's a living at home, but Mama, do
your laundry. Maybe they get their own place. Moms like,
I'll come by and do your laundry. It's fine, I
left lasagna in the fridge for you. You know. It's
this coddling. It results in a reft of development, and
that also gives them a mentality that they're the greatest
person in the world, even though they're completely flawed, and
(42:11):
that prevents them from evolving, maturing, and improving themselves. I
think that's where this comes from. Yes, it's terrible that
women have to do this for guys, but you're gonna
have to, I think, unless you want to wait and
marry a fifty year old who has actually finally figured
it out for themselves, because it takes forever for men
to mature. And I don't know why that is. I
(42:32):
watched my wedding video recently. I was thirty one, and
I'm just like that guy didn't have a clue and
I'm so thankful and great. My wife married me when
that guy was not marriable. He really wasn't. It took
a long time for me, And I feel like I'm
one of the good ones. So, you know, if if
(42:53):
there's something there and that guy, and you're in your
twenties or early thirties, and then so is the guy,
and there's something there. He's fun, he's handsome, he's gonna
be a good dad. You see, It's like a house
with good bones. You know, you feel like there's something there.
You can take care of the other stuff. You can.
You can wean him the theme of this episode, wean
him off the porn. You can teach him to put
(43:15):
his close in the hamper, you know, you can help
him get away from his mother coddling him to you
not coddling him. There's a way to do that, And
I'm sorry, I think you're gonna have to otherwise it's
going to be pretty lonely. You are you the only boy? Yeah,
it's just me and my sister. Do you think there's
a difference of like it being the only boy versus maybe, Yeah,
(43:36):
that's possible. Yeah, because I and I was treated completely
differently than my sister was and we joke about it now,
but I know that's a painful thing for her. Yeah,
I don't think you're wrong, but I do wonder if
that's a look. I feel like everybody needs to be
taught something, you know what I mean, Like, you teach
everybody in a relationship how to be a better Hopefully
(43:59):
your partner in life makes you become a better person.
So it's not just about teaching men, even though I
do think it, I do think that women need to
lead more in that regard. I think it's both people
teaching each other and growing and learning together. So it's
like you're never going to get a perfect person because
that perfect person is gonna clash with you in certain ways.
(44:19):
That's true. And I feel like, if you like, when
I met my wife, she was eighteen, and she was
so much more mature than I was, because when you're
in your twenties, most guys in their twenties, it's it's sports, porn,
video games. Beer wasn't beer for me, But that's kind
of life. And you think I'm awesome and this is great,
and I need to find a woman who's going to
be fine with all that stuff. For you know they'll
(44:40):
figure it out eventually, but I feel like a woman
is way more mature than a guy at a much
younger age. Yeah, but I do agree. I think that
there are things that like, even being in a relationship
with a woman, there's still things where we're like, oh,
can you do this or can you work on this?
Like I think it's just like humans having certain abbits,
And I think that men are just slower too mature
(45:05):
and develop than women, and especially emotionally and like mentally.
So I think no matter who you're with, you're going
to have things where, like like Tanya said, where they're
gonna you're gonna learn from them and they're going to
learn from you. But sometimes I do think you are
going to have to take the lead on partnership nerve.
I think dating a woman is the way to go,
(45:26):
but also Tanya, dating a fully formed mail is the
way to go. You wait till the guy was in
his bid forties and look at him. Well, yes he's great,
but that also comes with its fair share of nuances.
I suppose, so yeah, but I'm just saying if he
was five when you met him, I don't know, who knows,
totally different person all right next to one. This is
(45:48):
about Tanya and Robbie's gas station analogy. She says, help.
I've been married to my husband for a little over
three years now. I met him when I was twenty seven,
and at that point everybody around me was married with kids,
and I was ready to have that too. So I
do remember having some gut hesitations, but I got married.
My husband's been nothing but good to me. He cares
for me, make sure I'm taking care of our lives,
(46:09):
fit together well. My family loves me as a good job.
He helps around the house. I feel like I can
be myself with him. Over the past three years, though
our relationship has been no spark, no excitement. We never
even fight about anything. I told my therapist it's like
I have a good roommate to come home to every day.
Marriages go through lulls. I get that, but it shouldn't
(46:30):
have started this soon. I'm thirty one now, I'm ready
to have kids. He'd be an amazing dad, but we
have very little physical intimacy now, so how are we
supposed to have a child together. We don't have the
attraction to him to start the baby making process. I'm
at a good gas station that provides for all my
basic needs. It's not flashy, it's not exciting when you
(46:50):
pull up to it, but it's a good, reliable gas station.
Do I stay at this gas station or is there
a better gas station up the road for me? Well,
once she brings the gas, it sways my opinion slightly
because the way you're describing this man, he's a good man,
and I feel like good men are very hard to
(47:11):
come by. Unfortunately they are. There's a lot of dickheads
out there, and if he's a good man, that is
like a huge, huge check. I think, and I think
that it's not worth giving up. I feel like you
should really try maybe go to therapy. Maybe I skipped that,
but they have tried couples counts for almost a here
(47:33):
with no improvement. But could you date somebody? What is it?
I don't want to phrase it. It's your phrase that
when you met Robbie and you looked into each other
as you felt Fanny flutters Vagina tingling, that's the one. Yeah,
could you marry someone that didn't give you that feeling? Yeah?
You could? I mean I don't know, because I don't
I can't think about marrying and I wouldn't want to
(47:54):
marry anybody else but him. But yeah, I don't think
that that. Like I know lot of people that have
been married, that got married to men that they didn't
have the initial spark with that It took a couple
of dates for them to have chemistry or get that
that thing going, but they eventually got it. But they
eventually got it. But this feels like it's been years.
(48:17):
It's been four years. She's tired of feeling blive every day.
I think that, Um, remember that lady. I wish I
could remember her name because I literally loved her advice.
She was a sex therapist. Remember she was talking about
like intimacy and like how you learn each other's kind
of like sex. Yeah, wow, Eastern was a lot of fun.
(48:43):
But I think like looking into something like that because
it sounds like the physical intimacy is a huge thing
that you feel like you're missing, So like giving yourself
a chance because maybe you're it's not it's not love
love language, it's not sex language. What is it, like
your sexual intimacy preferences or whatever. You go to a
(49:04):
sex therapist too, but there's like the sexual blueprint, but
it's a different sexual blueprint, So like looking into that
and maybe going to someone who can help, because I
really do think there's a lot of um like shame
around sex and intimacy, especially when you're married and not
having it. I think there's a lot of fear of
like it's never going to come back. But it might
just be a simple that y'all have a different preference
(49:26):
in blueprint when it comes to what you want and
need in that um physical relationship. But I think you try,
and I think you try to get back to there
because I think there was something there, because to even
commit to marrying someone and spending your life with them,
there was there was something there that you were drawn to.
(49:47):
But at the same time, the other part of me goes,
how long do you give it before you say, I'm
not I'm not feeling fulfilled. I'm not. I don't feel
like I'm like even living my life and life is
moving by, and I feel like you give it more
shots in different ways, you know, maybe bring some toys
into the bedroom, maybe do a strip tease for him,
maybe make him a little porno or something. Learn learning
(50:10):
what what he wants or needs and what you want
or need, and like being able to show up for
each other that way. I think that's like a worth
it to try, because I think what what feels like
y'all are lacking is that physical intimacy. That's good advice
because turn the ability to turn on your partner is
an incredible turn on. Yeah, and I think it connects.
(50:32):
I know a lot of people are like, sex isn't
that important and like believing I I was a virgin
for however long, but I still when I dated people
the physical like Robert and I, because I was so
shut down from like even letting myself feel emotionally connected.
But we had like really like good physical chemistry, and
(50:53):
that has always been important to me. And I think
that being able to have that connection with someone is
actually when you're married and after you've been together for
a long time, can really revive the feelings of like
wanting to be around that person, the joy and the
fun of being in a relationship. So I think you
give that a shot before you just say because once again,
(51:15):
if it's happening now, couldn't happen in the next relationsh
And you go to the next gas station and maybe
this one's a little flashier, but he sucks and he like,
isn't good? Isn't good? You know, Yeah, then you gotta
go to the next gas station. Maybe that gas station
is bald but a great guy, but has no ambition,
(51:37):
lacks ambition, anonymous that saying this. I hate decisions and
big changes, so the thought of starting over makes me
break out in hives. I think we are unanimous here
that you should stick this out and figure this out
because you can make this work. I think it's worth
exhausting all efforts to make this relationship work. But I
also think at a certain point you can say I've
(51:58):
done all I can do and it's not working anymore,
and give yourself the grace to navigate that too. Well,
there we go. Sometimes I feel like we're giving advice
on situations that are so out of above us, But
that's what you need. Sometimes you just want to hear
somebody's opinion that's not involved, you know what I mean. Like,
(52:21):
it's interesting I think about that because when I have
questions or whenever I go to like you guys, or
you know, like I have go to my friends, but
they're so invested and they're so in it that they
can't really see it for what it is. Black and white.
They're looking at it straight on and not overhead correct
to which is what we're doing. We're just looking at
it straight on and she needed to hear that. She
needed to hear stay with him, stick it out. You
(52:43):
can make this work. Yeah, they're looking from the end
zone cam and not the sky exactly. I don't know
what that means, but it's not a good Well, I
think that's it for today. Friends. We will not be
back Thursday because we do not have a guest. It
will be back next hand Monday. We will because we
(53:03):
are here. That is what you you you know, consistency
that we are will be here. Well, today's Tuesday, so
we weren't that consistent. But well I'm gonna blame that
one on you. Yeah, I took the day off yesterday,
as did you know we were here? Okay, alright, love
you all. We'll be back Monday. I have a great
rest of the weeknd weekend, and we love you, Love
(53:24):
you Bye,
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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