June 26, 2025 • 35 mins
If you’ve seen Becca’s Tik Toks, it’s clear she has a future as a backup dancer, but would she ever hit the road with Hayley??
We help some Scrubbers with advice on how to tell a friend they won’t be in your wedding, how to handle the desire to elope during the stressful wedding planning process, and what to do when a rude comment won’t get out of your head!
Plus, where would we live for a week, a month, or a year??
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
It's not that scrubbing in with that, Tilly and Tanya
rad and iHeartRadio and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hello everyone, We're scrubbing and oh wait, hello everyone, we
are scrubbing it.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Just take you just take. I give you half the
line and then you just take the whole line.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I know, so give it. Give a mouse a little cheese,
the whole brick.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
About the bus, struggle bus, It's a new day.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
The podcast, am I Being punked Your face was so fun.
It's not often that Becca comes.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
It's very musical, very musical this week.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And yaws, you want to share?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Well okay, so take the stars by the way.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
Okay, I was about to say, so we I've been
wanting to learn that dance so bad, but in my
mind dance that one that we did, the one that
you posted. Yeah, there's not many like you know here
and there. I'll try to learn. But I was so
obsessed with the dance, and I kept sending it to Haley,
like do you think I can learn this? Because she
knows my skill level, you know, And she's like, yeah,
I think so. She watches the tutorial and she learns it.
(01:31):
In literally like five minutes. She's like, Okay, got it,
so this and then she's able to teach me. It
takes me a little bit longer. But what I've realized
is I'm coordinated enough and like have enough rhythm memory
and enough rhythm and learn the dance.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
I feel like your body kind of like moves in
like the way that a dancer does.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
No, So that's what I was gonna say. I don't
have like the swag of the dancer. I really don't. Yeah,
you know, if you watch me and Haley us both,
you can you can see the difference. Though there's just me.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
In there those videos with the two of you, you
would see the difference between Okay, the nom swagger and
the swagger.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
But it's so fun to learn. Oh it's so fun
to dance. But it's also so fun to learn and
dance with her because she's very she's when she's in
coach mode teaching me, she's like very coach. She's like
a coach to me. And then I'm like what am
I doing wrong? And she's like, let's watch it back.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Did she do the like five? Six, seven eight?
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Always tries to go okay, do you hear this beat,
boom boom, and then she'll do the dance math. But
I'm like, Babe, I don't That's not how I learn.
So I just need to see it with the music
and then that's how I'm gonna pick it up.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I find dancing so hard. I don't have rhythm, I
don't have swagger like and I my parents never had
me in any sort of dance classes, and I really
regret that as a child, not like pushing to be
in any sort of like dance because I feel like
I have the rhythm in me.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
I think you have rhythm. I think you I think
that you get overwhelmed with learning the dance. But I
think if you just like locked in, I think you
have the rhythm to learn to dance. If not, now,
when why not take some dance classes?
Speaker 5 (03:16):
Me?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
We could go take howl would that be? Go take
some you know the studios where they film on like
the cool VIDEOSHM Millennial.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Or Millennial Dance studio.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Yeah, but yeah, it's really fun. I love music and
I love dancing. I'm just like, it's not a natural
thing for me. I did do cheer in fifth grade,
so that probably just set me up for success. Wow,
any of that foundation.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
You know how like people say like when they have kids,
they like they do all the stuff that they wish
that they had when they were a kid. If I
end up having a girl dance, they're going to be
in ballet, hip hop, like ballroom, you name it, they're
going to be in it.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Well, we went to Haley's. Her niece is did dance
and she had her like recital or whatever, and she
was in Hers was hip hop. But the whole thing
was like a two hour thing and it was like
kids from three and four to you know, high school.
It's a long, long performance. Yeah, but you know you
(04:17):
see the stars, like you can say you can be
like that one's gonna pursue this, that could pursue this
as a long term career. And I would say majority
are just there for the fun and learning and dancing vibes.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I was listening to this podcast though, and they were
talking about how they prefer to have children that aren't
that don't like excel in those types of things, because
then they like they know how to experience like not
being so good. You know, like there's like some people
that are just like naturally just like good at everything
(04:51):
and then they kind of have this like false sense
of reality because they're just so good at everything, and
then they enter the real world and they're like, oh wait,
I'm actually not really good at everything. Yeah, how it's
like better or like you you you gain like grit
and you learn adversity by like not being good at
things as a kid.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think that's true.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
I do so to get horrible at everything I wasn't.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
But do you know what happened is that when I
try something that I'm not good at now, I don't
want to do it. I don't want to have to learn.
So it's easier for me to just not do things
that I don't feel comment doing, which I think holds
me back a lot of the time. So I do
think there's something to that. But I also think you
you learn quickly if you're surrounded by people who are
good at things if you're not, Like I can tell when,
(05:37):
like even I'm self aware enough with Haley to know
that I am not good. I'm good enough to do
a TikTok dance, but I'm not going to try and
be a touring dancer.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
You know, she made you a backup dancers. She wouldn't
I would ever.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
No, No, it's so intense and hard.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But maybe not like a full on backup dancer.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
But it just come out for one performance where I yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Like you're on tour, you're part of the tour.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
I just do like a compilation of the TikTok dances
we've learned together.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah, or like she has that like what's the moment
where it was it one less lonely girl justin bib moment? Yeah,
but it's like you every time.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
One time she had a song called pretty Girl, and
she would bring up a fan and saying I got
to do it one time in London.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Anyways. Good for thought, Good for thought.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
But I was gonna say something about oh, just as
just total shift. So you post it today you have
a new hyper fixation breakfast. I don't know if you
saw this.
Speaker 6 (06:37):
I've not seen this yet.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
And there's a picture of said breakfast. Yeah, and in
my mind I thought, those are those just three fried
eggs like that like a very standard breakfast for most people, right,
which is like three bright eggs, And I go, maybe
there's something new that has them being a fixation.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Fixation have to be new.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
I just I thought you ate eggs every day.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
So I sat very funny, three regular looking fried eggs.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I'm sorryalted pepper, Yeah, deliciously salted and deliciously peppered.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
And somehow Robbie makes them to where they're like they're
like a little bit gooey on the inside, but like
not too runny, Like they're very cooked, but like just
the right amount of gooey.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
An over easy egg.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
I had this aversion to scrambled eggs, and I was like,
I cannot eat another scrambled egg. I just can't do it.
And Robbie's like, let me try making you a different way.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I was like, over medium, this is what they look like.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Is that what that is? I think it is delicious
when I tell you I had it for the first
time two days ago, and I was like, can you
make me this every day for the rest of my life?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
It is? So that was your first time having a
Friday like an over medium egg.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Usually have them scrambled or hard boiled.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yes, I think we pitched the suggestion when you said
you were having the egg ache, like, maybe try a
different form.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Yeah, well I did. Spoiler alert, and it is good.
It's so good, and.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I am welcome to the new this new journey.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, I'm really happy with it. I'm really happy with it.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
I you know, what I've been really into is like
scrambled eggs but with like we order fresh bread from
this bakery and it's this honey wheat toast with the
egg on top of it. Buttered toast with eggs on top.
So good. Anyways, we have a Dear Bondia episode. So
is out he is on Baca, So he is. I
(08:45):
ever wanted.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Vacation? All I ever wanted.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Vacation had to get away.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
You don't know that song, I don't think so what
is the go gos or yeah, googles?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
The tone they.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
Already nineteen eighty two so called vacation.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Oh, speaking of before we begin, Dear Bonnya, I've been
seeing all this stuff about we were liars being like
super emotional and like good. Yeah, so I'm ready to
beinge it.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That might be my next bin.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Yeah. Same watch our girl Candae, Yeah, gotta support well
watch it, Dear Bonnya.
Speaker 6 (09:26):
Let's go, here we go. This is from Charlotte High
Scrubbing and FAM. I'm so thankful for this podcast in community.
I've been a fan of Becca since her bachelor days,
and I'm so happy to now know Tanya Mark Easton.
Thank you and the rest of the scrubbers. You've kept
me company on so many cross country flights, laughing out
loud on planes and in cars. I'm writing because I'm
pretty sure my boyfriend of over a decade just picked
(09:47):
up my engagement ring yesterday. Yes, I checked his location.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
I'm a Tanya.
Speaker 6 (09:52):
I'm so excited to start this next chapter. Here's my dilemma.
I have a friend, Carrie, who I've known since we
were teens. We've all been friendly, though I think she
felt closer to me than I did to her. Back
in twenty twenty one, I was one of three maids
of honor in her wedding, alongside her other friend Samantha.
But since then life and distance got in the way.
We haven't seen each other in almost two years, and
(10:13):
we barely text, just occasional likes and replies on social media.
I know she'll expect a text when it happens, maybe
even a wedding or bridesmaid invite, but honestly, I don't
think i'd even invite her, her husband, or other friend
Samantha to the wedding at this point, it feels like
we're basically strangers now, and I'm feeling some guilt about that.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
So I need help.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
Do I send Carrie and Samantha a group text with
an engagement pick? Or let them find out with everyone
else on social media? How do I handle my messages
about the wedding knowing they probably won't be invited? Thank
you for the advice, love and support, XO, Charlotte.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
PS.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
The names were inspired by in just like That's return
in honor of Easton. Thank you so much, Charlotte.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I was like, well these names, Yeah, yeah, I was like,
that's weirdh where's Miranda weird? I watched a lot of
Sex in the City on my fight home by the way, Yeah,
seven episodes to be exact.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
One what season four? Nice?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah, it's pretty iconic.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
Yeah, always good.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
My instant gut was like, just let them find out
on social media.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Because of one word she used? What guilt? So do
anything because of guilt? No crew guilt. We're done with it.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Also, twenty twenty one was four years ago. If you
haven't had any deep conversations or connections in four years on,
if they haven't initiated it, or if you haven't initiated it,
then you don't owe them anything celebrating one of the
most exciting points of your life.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
I think also too, I think there is this like
expectation of like I was a bridesmaider, I was a
maid of honor of her wedding, so she needs to
come to mine was made I was in weddings ten
years ago, five years ago, and I didn't invite any
of them to my wedding because none of them had
even met Robbie. Yeah, And so it's like, you can't
have that be like the caliber of like I was
(12:02):
in their wedding or I was this because things change
and you can't. It shouldn't be a guilt thing. If
you're texting anybody to tell them that you're engaged, should
because you want to tell them and you're excited to
tell them, not because you feel this like need or pressure.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
And it also should be people that have known you
and your relationship. I feel like people who have been there,
been with you and yeah, and know about your relationship
with your fiance, and like, I think you post something
and if they're like, oh my, they're probably going to
respond and text you. They'll probably text you, maybe and
then you can maybe send them close up photos of
(12:35):
the ring whatever you want to do. But I don't
think you owe them anything if you don't feel inspired
to do so.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Yeah, I'm done with guilt.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Follow inspiration, not not guilt.
Speaker 6 (12:46):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Guilt has been like a very interesting theme in my
family lately because my dad, as as he retired, he's
having these like crazy like life thinking back on his
life was like I did so much like I was
raised out of, like through guilt, and like guilt was
like such a thing in our culture that he also
did to like us. And he's so now he's like
(13:08):
trying to like right his wrongs. Wow, that is, I know,
an evolved man.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
That is so impressive.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Yeah, really, I know, like he could just not care
or like whatever, Like being self aware to know it, yeah,
and then saying it out loud and then trying to
correct it is Wow. Yeah, it's an evolved man. It's evolved.
But it's made me super hyper aware of like the
guilt too, because I was raised a lot with it.
(13:36):
I also can use it a lot in my relationship
and I can now I'm like hyper aware of Like, no,
I don't guilt him into anything. You know what I mean.
I I I'm very just hyper aware of that word.
So when she used in this email, I was like, no, no, period.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
I've been talking a lot about guilt with my therapists
and that's something. Yeah, it's it's we leave it behind.
We don't need guilt anymore.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I think it was like our generation, like our ars
led alot by guilt. Maybe not everybody's, but like.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I've done so much for you, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Yeah, or like in different there's there's other like so
many different ways that you can guilt too.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
By the way, Charlotte, Charlotte, we're so excited for you.
We can't know. Yes, maybe it's been an update. Once
it happens, give us a story. We can't wait. Okay,
here we go with.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
This is from Kate uh Dear Banya and Nieston. I'm
having some WLW trouble and I need advice. I'm twenty
nine and the last October I went on my very
first date with a woman. I've known him a lesbian
for about five years. Shout out to beca mentioning untamed,
which I'll make it click for me. But I've been
avoiding dating out of fear of coming out. I finally
gave Hine a try, and I totally didn't expect to
(14:44):
connect with the first person I met, but I did.
We clicked instantly. The date lasted for over three hours,
no awkwardness. We even had similar religious backgrounds that both
left and had both left that behind. After that, I
came out to people in my life because I didn't
want to hide. We dated for two months, but then
my mental health tainked unrelated to her, and I got
super anxious I were to be too needy or scare
(15:06):
her off. So I panicked and shared all of that
with her. We decided to stop dating, and not as
a pause, but more leaving the door open for the
potential to reconnect in the future. Since then, I've dated others,
but nothing has come close. She's still on my mind
all the time. She's kind, goes to therapy, and genuinely
wants to grow. She has no red flags. We've stayed
in light contact. I usually initiate, and we recently caught
(15:27):
up again in person. It was a little awkward, bit nice.
So now we're hanging out again this week. How do
I bring up asking if she's seeing anyone and we're
considered dating again. I have to ask, otherwise I'll keep wondering,
and I don't want to put her on the spot
or feel like I'm forcing anything. I just don't know
how to say it without making it weird or crushing
myself if she says no, any advice would mean the world.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Well, I think it's important that you are taking care
of your own mental health and your anxiety, because I
think that no matter where she is in her life
and her relationship, I think if you're not taking care
of yourself and and working on the thing that that
(16:09):
made you separate in the first place, or take a break,
I think that it's gonna you're gonna fall back into
the same patterns of like anxiety and mental struggles. But
I think if you'll hang out again, just be like, Hey,
so are you seeing anyone else? Like, what's what's going
on in your dating life? I'm still interested in you,
(16:30):
but I'm you know, want to be respectful to see
where you're.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
At what I'm still interested in you? Yeah, just be direct.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I think I think so too.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I think if you go on and you don't scratch
this itch, you're gonna always live in the what if yes,
and you don't want to live in that.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
But I do think that it's not fair to her
if you haven't worked on the things that you need
to work on, Like if you took a break because
of your mental health, but you haven't done anything to
improve your mental health. I don't think it's fair to
try and start something else up because I think you're
going to end up in the same space. So I
think if you have done that and you're ready to
pursue something, I think you just are direct. I always
(17:06):
think if if I was in a situation of limbo
with someone, all I would want for them is to
be direct with me. Whether my reaction was like I
don't think I'm ready for that or whatever, it would
be so refreshing for someone to just be like, hey,
I'm still interested in you. Where are you at as
opposed to kind of just tiptoeing around it. So maybe
she's waiting for you, since you're the one who needed
(17:27):
a break, Maybe she is waiting for you to bring
it up. So I would just be doing other say hey,
I like you. I've been working on myself. Where are
you in terms of where we left off?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Period? But good luck new thing, Kate.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
We'll be excited to hear an update, hopefully a positive one.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Yeah do it? Kate go, Kate go go.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Should we take a break?
Speaker 4 (17:56):
Yeah, yeah, I should take a break. Just love these
emails so much.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
All right, we're back.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
This next one feels like some advice that Tanya can answer.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Oh yeah, it's from a confused bride to be overwhelmed
with wedding planning beck at Tanya, Mark and Easton. First,
I just have to say how much I love your podcast.
I've been listening for years and I genuinely feel like
I know the four of you. I truly trust your perspective.
So I want to reach out for some advice. I'm
in the thick of wedding planning and honestly, it's starting
to feel like too much. Financially, it's overwhelming. My fiance
(18:45):
and I sat down or crunch the numbers, and the
amount we need to save each month to pull off
this wedding without going into debt is daunting. What makes
it harder is that while everyone seems excited, no one
is really showing up in a meaningful way. I have
a very complicated relationship with my mom and special events.
This bring up a lot of emotions for me because
we're not close. I'm paying for my own wedding dress.
No one has offered a host a bridal shower. I
(19:06):
constantly feel like people don't want to come celebrate with me,
and there's just this sense that we're doing all this alone.
I've been struggling with anxiety, and I'll be honest, the
whole process is starting to feel more draining than joyful.
We already put down a deposit on a venue, and
now we're thinking of canceling. We're seriously considering an elopement
or a microwaiting with about thirty of our closest friends
and family, people we actually feel connected to and supported by.
(19:28):
But even that comes with hard decisions and a little guilt.
There are parts of wedding planning that genuinely excite me,
and I do want to celebrate this huge milestone with
the people I love, But I can't shake this nagging feeling.
What if we sacrifice and save for the next year
and a half only to feel anxious, unsupported, and like
we didn't even enjoy the day. And I guess my
question is, how do I let go of what this
(19:48):
should look like and do it actually feels good and
right for us without guilt. How do I find peace
with pulling back on expectations and still finding joy in
what this moment represents. Thank you for listening. I truly
love any advice you have from a confused bride to be.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I want to say that if you don't consider eloping
at some point in your engagement, then you're not doing
it right, because I like everybody I feel like goes
through that point, even I, somebody who's dreamed of my
wedding my whole life, got to a point where I
was just like, I had this exact same feeling. It
was like, should we just go to Italy elbe, take
(20:24):
some pretty photos and call it a day. So I
feel like everybody goes so that it feels like you
are hitting that point right now. So I just want
you to know that I think that's super common. I
felt that. I know every bride that I've talked to
in the last year has also hit that point, So
that's very common. I also think the the expectations that
you're talking about and feeling like you're doing it alone.
(20:45):
I was so supported and I had people in my
life that wanted to do so much for me, and
I still had that feeling too, and I think it's
because of social media, Like we're constantly fed all this stuff,
and like, I didn't even realize it until I had
this like Eureka moment. I was talking to Raquel and
she was like, you're seeing all that. You're seeing these
(21:07):
crazy things on social media. You're seeing these like rainbow
fireworks on the Amalfi Coast and like these sculptures and
people doing all the having bridal showers and multiple bachelorette
parties and people just are doing the most. And I
feel like it, for some reason, just infiltrates our feeds,
especially when you're a bride. For some reason, the algorithm
(21:30):
just feeds you all of this stuff. And so I
feel like the feeling that expectation like you're doing it
alone is also very common because of everything that you're consuming.
So I just want you to know that the things
that you're feeling are super I think normal. But I
also think if you give into those feelings and you
don't go through with having your wedding, I think you're
(21:51):
gonna ultimately regret it. Because I feel like you're going
to push through, You're going to figure it out, and
it's gonna be the best day of your life and
you're not gonna have regrets.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
My only advice because I think I would do that.
That's I think that's a really great advice, But I
would I would say we talked about guilt earlier, and
I think the inviting people to what's supposed to be
one of the best days of your life or even
just like, let's not even put the pressure of the
best day of your life, but something that's so special
and that you've been looking forward to and spending money on.
(22:26):
Why I just am like, And maybe it's just because
I'm in a place where when the Halen and I
think about our wedding and who we would invite, I'm like,
I'm not like, I don't care if they're family, close friends,
If they haven't supported our relationship or like have any
negativity or homophobic thoughts towards our relationship, they're not coming
to our wedding.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
So, if there's people who haven't felt like they've been
supportive of your relationship or been there for you through
things like, let go of the guilt, Because if they
haven't been there through through up until that point, why
do they get an invite to be there to celebrate
on the day.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, I do feel like it maybe is like a
point in your life when that starts to shift, because
I feel like in my twenties I would have probably
felt the same way of like I need to invite
everybody who invited me to their wedding and like have
that mentality like if.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Their family they have to come.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah, totally Yeah, And like I could not have been
farther from that mentality when I was planning my wedding. YEA,
our guest list was like so it was like one
of the easiest things. We had a couple, like I
would say maybe like two or three couples that we
regretted not inviting. Other than that, we were like our
invite and our wedding was like exactly what we wanted
it to be.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
But that's what I'm saying. I would go, I would
make a list of all the people that you're even
thinking of inviting, like even if you're on the fence
on it, And when you see their name, what feeling
do they evoke? Do they make you feel like I
want them to be a part of this day or
will I be okay if they're not there?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
And do you want these people a part of your future.
That was like the whole thing too, because like you
have so much guilt and pressure from your past, but
your pass is your past. Like it's like thinking about
the couples and the people that you want in your future.
M hmm.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
Yeah, these people are going to be in the photos
that you'll be looking at forever, you know. That's something
I was thinking about, like who want Who's face? Do
I want to look at him?
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
And if they want to celebrate you and and be
a part, then they'll show up before the day where
you're spending all their your saved money to feed them
and entertain them.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Yeah. I think it's also the price. It's not even
the pressure of like the best day of your life.
It's like the price tag. You're spending so much and
I want it to be just snowballs too.
Speaker 5 (24:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Like I was talking to one of my girlfriends who's
like thinking about it, and she's like, I just don't
think I want to even go there because I don't
want to open that door. And I was like, well,
maybe we could just do like a release intimate dinner
and you can get like a really pretty dress. And
then she's like yeah, but if I'm doing all that
and I'm bringing everybody over here, I'm going to want
to do like a rehearsal dinner, and then you're gonna, oh,
I'm gonna want a photographer, and it just all starts
(24:56):
to snowball on that up.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
Yeah, well, I would just really think of who who
has made you feel loved and support it as a couple,
and and don't let the guilt take over what is
best for you and your fiance. We love you and
you really wish you the best, and I hope this
is a is a love letter experience.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Yes, are you proud of me that I didn't dive
into questions about your wedding because you kind of went
there about your wedding, You and Handel.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
We want to invite people.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Yeah, but like I feel like that shows evolvement that
I just let it go.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
What wasn't about me?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
I was just tiptoeing on the edge of not letting
it go.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
Yeah, you almost did it, you almost got there, but
just miss I'm perfect perfection, just improved.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yes, thank you?
Speaker 4 (26:06):
Alrighty.
Speaker 6 (26:07):
This one's from anonymous as always a blast. Hello Becca,
Tanya Mark in Easton. I've been a longtime listener, and
I know everyone says this, but you all make my
work commute so much more enjoyable. The dynamic the four
you have is just incredible. So please don't switch things
up on the pod too much. Let the trolls be trolls.
I'm looking for some advice on a friendship situation that's
been bothering me. I'm in my mid forties with kids,
(26:28):
and over the years, my husband and I became close
with one of our child's friends parents, especially the dads.
My husband doesn't have a lot of close friends, so
this connection is meant a lot. The mom and I
also became friendly, though not quite as close. A few
months ago, we saw a movie together and afterwards she
expected we'd also hang out that night. I had other
plans and I didn't remember any set plans for the evening,
(26:49):
and she got really upset with me. When I look
back at our texts, or had been a vague, non
committal mention of doing something, but nothing was confirmed. I
still felt awful. I later texted to ask if she
was upset, and she's said yes, and that I had
done this before, and saying it was becoming a trend.
Damn and She did acknowledge that she could have communicated better,
but that comment really stuck with me. Life is busy,
(27:09):
things come up, and I'd never treat a friend poorly
over a change of plans. If anything, I welcome cancelations.
Since then, I've stepped way back. I still include them
here and there to support my husband's friendship, but I
haven't been reaching out too much. Here's where I need help.
Do I just let this go and move forward like
nothing happened, Or if she eventually asks why we don't
hang out or grow on trips anymore? Do I tell
her honestly that her expectations feel unrealistic. How can I
(27:32):
be honest, hold my boundaries and still be graceful? Thanks
so much for any insight.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I got lost in that email.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
No, So, basically they went to She and her husband
went to see a movie with their friends their couple
uh huh, and they were Her friend thought they were
hanging out afterwards, but she had other plans. But she
had made like a loose comment about like, oh yeah,
maybe we can hang out afterwards, but it was nothing set.
So basically, the friend thought there was set plans for
(28:00):
them to hang out after the movie. She thought it
was a loose plan. She had made other plans after
the movie. Okay, So then her friend was like, you've
done this before. It's becoming a trend. When she asked
if she was upset.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
With her, Okay, this is like a non issue.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
This is this is where different personalities type can can need,
can clash and need extra TLC. Because what happened was
you are someone like me who is very noncommittal, fine
with making loose plans, welcomes cancelations, it's totally fine if
things switch up. There are other people who once, once
(28:36):
they have a loose plan or an idea of how
things are going to go on their mind, that's what
they have planned, and so if that goes astray, like
Hailey's very much like this.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Where I can't have loose plans.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Hailey does not like a loose plan. So if if
she has an idea of what we're doing, and then
I'm like, oh, I I didn't know that that was
a set plan. It's it's a conflict because in my mind,
I'm like, but we didn't solidify, and she's like, well
I did. It's on my calendar, So I think it's
just a conversation of understanding that she's not like you
in that and that's okay, but being respectful of both parties.
(29:12):
But I think what she probably needs to hear from
you is like, hey, I'm so sorry. Like my personality
is go with the flow. I'm non committal. I didn't
want I don't want to make this an issue, but
I am sorry if I like change the plans for
something that you had that you were set on, and
just like acknowledged to her that you understand where she's
(29:32):
coming from and I don't. I really don't think you
did anything wrong. But sometimes I think that's just what
people need to hear, is like, if you did something
that affected how they envisioned their evening going, I think
it's worth it to just go like, hey, I'm sorry
I did that. I'll be more aware of it in
the future because I don't want this to be a
trend or how you see me.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Yeah, I feel like as you get older, or or
maybe because I feel like I used to be a
pupil pleaser. If I if somebody said something like that,
like I get it that it's stuck with you, because
things would just stick with me like I would not
get over things because I'd just let them sit and
fester and I would think about them over and over
and over again.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
If I said, if I told you I was mad
at you, and you've done this before and it's becoming
a trend, you, what's so faster on that?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, I would do it. But the difference is the
difference is, and I think this is so important. If
it's one of your best friends. I think it's something
that you like. I value Becka's opinion, and I value
the things that you say way more than like ninety
percent of the people in my life. So if this
is something that's like an acquaintance and it's just like
(30:43):
because your husband is friends with her husband, it's like,
just let that stuff roll off your back, Like you
can't be so hyper fixated on it, be hyper fixated
because it's just going to eat it and it's going
to create like stress in your life. I think if
it's somebody that's important to you in your life and
they're giving you like a constructive critis and then I
think you could take it into consideration and like really
be mindful about it. But other than that, if it's
(31:04):
somebody that's just like an acquaintance.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
I think she wants the relationship to be uh like
comfortable though, because the husband's gonna really wrong. So I
think it's worth just being like I wanted to apologize
for you know that I made you so that way,
I'm misunderstanding and I'll be better at communicating because I
can just I'm totally go with the flow. I don't
(31:28):
mind cancelations or plan shifting, and I know that's not everybody,
so I acknowledge that and then just move on. Yeah,
and just to acknowledge what she why she was upset. Yeah,
and then don't think about it again.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Agreed. Yeah, period, Okay.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
We have one more.
Speaker 6 (31:50):
The Tiffany says, good morning, Becket, Tanya, Mark, and Easton.
I love knowing when people write these what time of
day it is. I've been listening since Tony was just
a guest. My question for you is if you could
live anywhere for one week, one month, and one year,
where would it be. Her answer is one week Australia,
one month Europe as a whole, and one year Hawaii.
Love you all and hope you have a good weekend.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I actually posted this on my Instagram.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
I did, Wow, Tiffany, you original match.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
No, my one week was I think I did one
week Hawaii, one month Majorca, and one year Japan. Japan
just has so many places to explore, and I just
like think it's so beautiful and I love the people
in the culture, and I would love to, Like Haley's
half Japanese, so it'd be really fun to go and like,
(32:38):
you know, live there for an extended amount of time.
Or I could flop. I could flop Hawaiian Japan like
I could. I could live in Hawaii for a year,
in Japan for a month, or no, sorry, I could.
I could do Hawaii or Japan for a year. But
those are my three favorite places as of now. What
about you.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
My one week I would do Saint Barts, it's the best.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
My one month I would do Hawaii, okay, yeah, And
then my one year I would do Europe because you
can really go many places period.
Speaker 6 (33:21):
I think my one week would be Australia the entire continent,
one month would be Hawaii the Big Island specifically, and
one year New York City. Baby, I want to know
what that year would be like. I'm really I've been
(33:41):
thinking about that a lot, you.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Know, I thought about I thought about New York.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Yeah, I thought, maybe you got to start your year
in New York. What season would you start in? Oh?
Not Now, I think I would start in the fall
because I think it could be like the hype to
get through.
Speaker 4 (33:59):
Get through the the rest of the year.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yeah, I'd be like, this is amazing. And then I'd
be like, I just get.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
So tired in New York, like it has like it
does have this energy, but it's like more than five days.
I'm like, Mama's gotta.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
Go to bed.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Mama.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
Every time I go to New York. The first two
or three days, I'm like I'm move like yeah, and
then by the fourth and fifth day, I'm like, I
gotta get home. I gotta get back to.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
The West where I can go to the grocery store.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
Yeah, and just like.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Feeld not things dripping on me.
Speaker 4 (34:31):
Yeah, the tragedy.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Yeah, but cool.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Yeah, there is a vibe.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
All right.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Well that's all. Thank you as usual for always sending
in questions if you ever want our advice. D m
us on Instagram at scrubbing in pod or email us
at scrubbing In at iHeartMedia dot com. We love you
so
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Muchy, We love you Hell
It's not that scrubbing in with that, Tilly and Tanya
rad and iHeartRadio and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hello everyone, We're scrubbing and oh wait, hello everyone, we
are scrubbing it.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Just take you just take. I give you half the
line and then you just take the whole line.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
I know, so give it. Give a mouse a little cheese,
the whole brick.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
About the bus, struggle bus, It's a new day.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
The podcast, am I Being punked Your face was so fun.
It's not often that Becca comes.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
It's very musical, very musical this week.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And yaws, you want to share?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Well okay, so take the stars by the way.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
Okay, I was about to say, so we I've been
wanting to learn that dance so bad, but in my
mind dance that one that we did, the one that
you posted. Yeah, there's not many like you know here
and there. I'll try to learn. But I was so
obsessed with the dance, and I kept sending it to Haley,
like do you think I can learn this? Because she
knows my skill level, you know, And she's like, yeah,
I think so. She watches the tutorial and she learns it.
(01:31):
In literally like five minutes. She's like, Okay, got it,
so this and then she's able to teach me. It
takes me a little bit longer. But what I've realized
is I'm coordinated enough and like have enough rhythm memory
and enough rhythm and learn the dance.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
I feel like your body kind of like moves in
like the way that a dancer does.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
No, So that's what I was gonna say. I don't
have like the swag of the dancer. I really don't. Yeah,
you know, if you watch me and Haley us both,
you can you can see the difference. Though there's just me.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
In there those videos with the two of you, you
would see the difference between Okay, the nom swagger and
the swagger.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
But it's so fun to learn. Oh it's so fun
to dance. But it's also so fun to learn and
dance with her because she's very she's when she's in
coach mode teaching me, she's like very coach. She's like
a coach to me. And then I'm like what am
I doing wrong? And she's like, let's watch it back.
Speaker 4 (02:30):
Did she do the like five? Six, seven eight?
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Always tries to go okay, do you hear this beat,
boom boom, and then she'll do the dance math. But
I'm like, Babe, I don't That's not how I learn.
So I just need to see it with the music
and then that's how I'm gonna pick it up.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I find dancing so hard. I don't have rhythm, I
don't have swagger like and I my parents never had
me in any sort of dance classes, and I really
regret that as a child, not like pushing to be
in any sort of like dance because I feel like
I have the rhythm in me.
Speaker 3 (03:01):
I think you have rhythm. I think you I think
that you get overwhelmed with learning the dance. But I
think if you just like locked in, I think you
have the rhythm to learn to dance. If not, now,
when why not take some dance classes?
Speaker 5 (03:16):
Me?
Speaker 3 (03:17):
We could go take howl would that be? Go take
some you know the studios where they film on like
the cool VIDEOSHM Millennial.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Or Millennial Dance studio.
Speaker 3 (03:27):
Yeah, but yeah, it's really fun. I love music and
I love dancing. I'm just like, it's not a natural
thing for me. I did do cheer in fifth grade,
so that probably just set me up for success. Wow,
any of that foundation.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
You know how like people say like when they have kids,
they like they do all the stuff that they wish
that they had when they were a kid. If I
end up having a girl dance, they're going to be
in ballet, hip hop, like ballroom, you name it, they're
going to be in it.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Well, we went to Haley's. Her niece is did dance
and she had her like recital or whatever, and she
was in Hers was hip hop. But the whole thing
was like a two hour thing and it was like
kids from three and four to you know, high school.
It's a long, long performance. Yeah, but you know you
(04:17):
see the stars, like you can say you can be
like that one's gonna pursue this, that could pursue this
as a long term career. And I would say majority
are just there for the fun and learning and dancing vibes.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I was listening to this podcast though, and they were
talking about how they prefer to have children that aren't
that don't like excel in those types of things, because
then they like they know how to experience like not
being so good. You know, like there's like some people
that are just like naturally just like good at everything
(04:51):
and then they kind of have this like false sense
of reality because they're just so good at everything, and
then they enter the real world and they're like, oh wait,
I'm actually not really good at everything. Yeah, how it's
like better or like you you you gain like grit
and you learn adversity by like not being good at
things as a kid.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
I think that's true.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
I do so to get horrible at everything I wasn't.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
But do you know what happened is that when I
try something that I'm not good at now, I don't
want to do it. I don't want to have to learn.
So it's easier for me to just not do things
that I don't feel comment doing, which I think holds
me back a lot of the time. So I do
think there's something to that. But I also think you
you learn quickly if you're surrounded by people who are
good at things if you're not, Like I can tell when,
(05:37):
like even I'm self aware enough with Haley to know
that I am not good. I'm good enough to do
a TikTok dance, but I'm not going to try and
be a touring dancer.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
You know, she made you a backup dancers. She wouldn't
I would ever.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
No, No, it's so intense and hard.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But maybe not like a full on backup dancer.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
But it just come out for one performance where I yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Like you're on tour, you're part of the tour.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
I just do like a compilation of the TikTok dances
we've learned together.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah, or like she has that like what's the moment
where it was it one less lonely girl justin bib moment? Yeah,
but it's like you every time.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
One time she had a song called pretty Girl, and
she would bring up a fan and saying I got
to do it one time in London.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Anyways. Good for thought, Good for thought.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
But I was gonna say something about oh, just as
just total shift. So you post it today you have
a new hyper fixation breakfast. I don't know if you
saw this.
Speaker 6 (06:37):
I've not seen this yet.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
And there's a picture of said breakfast. Yeah, and in
my mind I thought, those are those just three fried
eggs like that like a very standard breakfast for most people, right,
which is like three bright eggs, And I go, maybe
there's something new that has them being a fixation.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Fixation have to be new.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
I just I thought you ate eggs every day.
Speaker 6 (07:04):
So I sat very funny, three regular looking fried eggs.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I'm sorryalted pepper, Yeah, deliciously salted and deliciously peppered.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
And somehow Robbie makes them to where they're like they're
like a little bit gooey on the inside, but like
not too runny, Like they're very cooked, but like just
the right amount of gooey.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
An over easy egg.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
I had this aversion to scrambled eggs, and I was like,
I cannot eat another scrambled egg. I just can't do it.
And Robbie's like, let me try making you a different way.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
I was like, over medium, this is what they look like.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Is that what that is? I think it is delicious
when I tell you I had it for the first
time two days ago, and I was like, can you
make me this every day for the rest of my life?
Speaker 3 (07:51):
It is? So that was your first time having a
Friday like an over medium egg.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Usually have them scrambled or hard boiled.
Speaker 4 (07:58):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yes, I think we pitched the suggestion when you said
you were having the egg ache, like, maybe try a
different form.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Yeah, well I did. Spoiler alert, and it is good.
It's so good, and.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
I am welcome to the new this new journey.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Yeah, I'm really happy with it. I'm really happy with it.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
I you know, what I've been really into is like
scrambled eggs but with like we order fresh bread from
this bakery and it's this honey wheat toast with the
egg on top of it. Buttered toast with eggs on top.
So good. Anyways, we have a Dear Bondia episode. So
is out he is on Baca, So he is. I
(08:45):
ever wanted.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Vacation? All I ever wanted.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Vacation had to get away.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
You don't know that song, I don't think so what
is the go gos or yeah, googles?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
The tone they.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
Already nineteen eighty two so called vacation.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Oh, speaking of before we begin, Dear Bonnya, I've been
seeing all this stuff about we were liars being like
super emotional and like good. Yeah, so I'm ready to
beinge it.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That might be my next bin.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Yeah. Same watch our girl Candae, Yeah, gotta support well
watch it, Dear Bonnya.
Speaker 6 (09:26):
Let's go, here we go. This is from Charlotte High
Scrubbing and FAM. I'm so thankful for this podcast in community.
I've been a fan of Becca since her bachelor days,
and I'm so happy to now know Tanya Mark Easton.
Thank you and the rest of the scrubbers. You've kept
me company on so many cross country flights, laughing out
loud on planes and in cars. I'm writing because I'm
pretty sure my boyfriend of over a decade just picked
(09:47):
up my engagement ring yesterday. Yes, I checked his location.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
I'm a Tanya.
Speaker 6 (09:52):
I'm so excited to start this next chapter. Here's my dilemma.
I have a friend, Carrie, who I've known since we
were teens. We've all been friendly, though I think she
felt closer to me than I did to her. Back
in twenty twenty one, I was one of three maids
of honor in her wedding, alongside her other friend Samantha.
But since then life and distance got in the way.
We haven't seen each other in almost two years, and
(10:13):
we barely text, just occasional likes and replies on social media.
I know she'll expect a text when it happens, maybe
even a wedding or bridesmaid invite, but honestly, I don't
think i'd even invite her, her husband, or other friend
Samantha to the wedding at this point, it feels like
we're basically strangers now, and I'm feeling some guilt about that.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
So I need help.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
Do I send Carrie and Samantha a group text with
an engagement pick? Or let them find out with everyone
else on social media? How do I handle my messages
about the wedding knowing they probably won't be invited? Thank
you for the advice, love and support, XO, Charlotte.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
PS.
Speaker 6 (10:45):
The names were inspired by in just like That's return
in honor of Easton. Thank you so much, Charlotte.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
I was like, well these names, Yeah, yeah, I was like,
that's weirdh where's Miranda weird? I watched a lot of
Sex in the City on my fight home by the way, Yeah,
seven episodes to be exact.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
One what season four? Nice?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah, it's pretty iconic.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
Yeah, always good.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
My instant gut was like, just let them find out
on social media.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Because of one word she used? What guilt? So do
anything because of guilt? No crew guilt. We're done with it.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Also, twenty twenty one was four years ago. If you
haven't had any deep conversations or connections in four years on,
if they haven't initiated it, or if you haven't initiated it,
then you don't owe them anything celebrating one of the
most exciting points of your life.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
I think also too, I think there is this like
expectation of like I was a bridesmaider, I was a
maid of honor of her wedding, so she needs to
come to mine was made I was in weddings ten
years ago, five years ago, and I didn't invite any
of them to my wedding because none of them had
even met Robbie. Yeah, And so it's like, you can't
have that be like the caliber of like I was
(12:02):
in their wedding or I was this because things change
and you can't. It shouldn't be a guilt thing. If
you're texting anybody to tell them that you're engaged, should
because you want to tell them and you're excited to
tell them, not because you feel this like need or pressure.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
And it also should be people that have known you
and your relationship. I feel like people who have been there,
been with you and yeah, and know about your relationship
with your fiance, and like, I think you post something
and if they're like, oh my, they're probably going to
respond and text you. They'll probably text you, maybe and
then you can maybe send them close up photos of
(12:35):
the ring whatever you want to do. But I don't
think you owe them anything if you don't feel inspired
to do so.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Yeah, I'm done with guilt.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Follow inspiration, not not guilt.
Speaker 6 (12:46):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Guilt has been like a very interesting theme in my
family lately because my dad, as as he retired, he's
having these like crazy like life thinking back on his
life was like I did so much like I was
raised out of, like through guilt, and like guilt was
like such a thing in our culture that he also
did to like us. And he's so now he's like
(13:08):
trying to like right his wrongs. Wow, that is, I know,
an evolved man.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
That is so impressive.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Yeah, really, I know, like he could just not care
or like whatever, Like being self aware to know it, yeah,
and then saying it out loud and then trying to
correct it is Wow. Yeah, it's an evolved man. It's evolved.
But it's made me super hyper aware of like the
guilt too, because I was raised a lot with it.
(13:36):
I also can use it a lot in my relationship
and I can now I'm like hyper aware of Like, no,
I don't guilt him into anything. You know what I mean.
I I I'm very just hyper aware of that word.
So when she used in this email, I was like, no, no, period.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
I've been talking a lot about guilt with my therapists
and that's something. Yeah, it's it's we leave it behind.
We don't need guilt anymore.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I think it was like our generation, like our ars
led alot by guilt. Maybe not everybody's, but like.
Speaker 3 (14:05):
I've done so much for you, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Yeah, or like in different there's there's other like so
many different ways that you can guilt too.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
By the way, Charlotte, Charlotte, we're so excited for you.
We can't know. Yes, maybe it's been an update. Once
it happens, give us a story. We can't wait. Okay,
here we go with.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
This is from Kate uh Dear Banya and Nieston. I'm
having some WLW trouble and I need advice. I'm twenty
nine and the last October I went on my very
first date with a woman. I've known him a lesbian
for about five years. Shout out to beca mentioning untamed,
which I'll make it click for me. But I've been
avoiding dating out of fear of coming out. I finally
gave Hine a try, and I totally didn't expect to
(14:44):
connect with the first person I met, but I did.
We clicked instantly. The date lasted for over three hours,
no awkwardness. We even had similar religious backgrounds that both
left and had both left that behind. After that, I
came out to people in my life because I didn't
want to hide. We dated for two months, but then
my mental health tainked unrelated to her, and I got
super anxious I were to be too needy or scare
(15:06):
her off. So I panicked and shared all of that
with her. We decided to stop dating, and not as
a pause, but more leaving the door open for the
potential to reconnect in the future. Since then, I've dated others,
but nothing has come close. She's still on my mind
all the time. She's kind, goes to therapy, and genuinely
wants to grow. She has no red flags. We've stayed
in light contact. I usually initiate, and we recently caught
(15:27):
up again in person. It was a little awkward, bit nice.
So now we're hanging out again this week. How do
I bring up asking if she's seeing anyone and we're
considered dating again. I have to ask, otherwise I'll keep wondering,
and I don't want to put her on the spot
or feel like I'm forcing anything. I just don't know
how to say it without making it weird or crushing
myself if she says no, any advice would mean the world.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
Well, I think it's important that you are taking care
of your own mental health and your anxiety, because I
think that no matter where she is in her life
and her relationship, I think if you're not taking care
of yourself and and working on the thing that that
(16:09):
made you separate in the first place, or take a break,
I think that it's gonna you're gonna fall back into
the same patterns of like anxiety and mental struggles. But
I think if you'll hang out again, just be like, Hey,
so are you seeing anyone else? Like, what's what's going
on in your dating life? I'm still interested in you,
(16:30):
but I'm you know, want to be respectful to see
where you're.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
At what I'm still interested in you? Yeah, just be direct.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I think I think so too.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I think if you go on and you don't scratch
this itch, you're gonna always live in the what if yes,
and you don't want to live in that.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
But I do think that it's not fair to her
if you haven't worked on the things that you need
to work on, Like if you took a break because
of your mental health, but you haven't done anything to
improve your mental health. I don't think it's fair to
try and start something else up because I think you're
going to end up in the same space. So I
think if you have done that and you're ready to
pursue something, I think you just are direct. I always
(17:06):
think if if I was in a situation of limbo
with someone, all I would want for them is to
be direct with me. Whether my reaction was like I
don't think I'm ready for that or whatever, it would
be so refreshing for someone to just be like, hey,
I'm still interested in you. Where are you at as
opposed to kind of just tiptoeing around it. So maybe
she's waiting for you, since you're the one who needed
(17:27):
a break, Maybe she is waiting for you to bring
it up. So I would just be doing other say hey,
I like you. I've been working on myself. Where are
you in terms of where we left off?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Period? But good luck new thing, Kate.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
We'll be excited to hear an update, hopefully a positive one.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Yeah do it? Kate go, Kate go go.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Should we take a break?
Speaker 4 (17:56):
Yeah, yeah, I should take a break. Just love these
emails so much.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
All right, we're back.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
This next one feels like some advice that Tanya can answer.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Oh yeah, it's from a confused bride to be overwhelmed
with wedding planning beck at Tanya, Mark and Easton. First,
I just have to say how much I love your podcast.
I've been listening for years and I genuinely feel like
I know the four of you. I truly trust your perspective.
So I want to reach out for some advice. I'm
in the thick of wedding planning and honestly, it's starting
to feel like too much. Financially, it's overwhelming. My fiance
(18:45):
and I sat down or crunch the numbers, and the
amount we need to save each month to pull off
this wedding without going into debt is daunting. What makes
it harder is that while everyone seems excited, no one
is really showing up in a meaningful way. I have
a very complicated relationship with my mom and special events.
This bring up a lot of emotions for me because
we're not close. I'm paying for my own wedding dress.
No one has offered a host a bridal shower. I
(19:06):
constantly feel like people don't want to come celebrate with me,
and there's just this sense that we're doing all this alone.
I've been struggling with anxiety, and I'll be honest, the
whole process is starting to feel more draining than joyful.
We already put down a deposit on a venue, and
now we're thinking of canceling. We're seriously considering an elopement
or a microwaiting with about thirty of our closest friends
and family, people we actually feel connected to and supported by.
(19:28):
But even that comes with hard decisions and a little guilt.
There are parts of wedding planning that genuinely excite me,
and I do want to celebrate this huge milestone with
the people I love, But I can't shake this nagging feeling.
What if we sacrifice and save for the next year
and a half only to feel anxious, unsupported, and like
we didn't even enjoy the day. And I guess my
question is, how do I let go of what this
(19:48):
should look like and do it actually feels good and
right for us without guilt. How do I find peace
with pulling back on expectations and still finding joy in
what this moment represents. Thank you for listening. I truly
love any advice you have from a confused bride to be.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I want to say that if you don't consider eloping
at some point in your engagement, then you're not doing
it right, because I like everybody I feel like goes
through that point, even I, somebody who's dreamed of my
wedding my whole life, got to a point where I
was just like, I had this exact same feeling. It
was like, should we just go to Italy elbe, take
(20:24):
some pretty photos and call it a day. So I
feel like everybody goes so that it feels like you
are hitting that point right now. So I just want
you to know that I think that's super common. I
felt that. I know every bride that I've talked to
in the last year has also hit that point, So
that's very common. I also think the the expectations that
you're talking about and feeling like you're doing it alone.
(20:45):
I was so supported and I had people in my
life that wanted to do so much for me, and
I still had that feeling too, and I think it's
because of social media, Like we're constantly fed all this stuff,
and like, I didn't even realize it until I had
this like Eureka moment. I was talking to Raquel and
she was like, you're seeing all that. You're seeing these
(21:07):
crazy things on social media. You're seeing these like rainbow
fireworks on the Amalfi Coast and like these sculptures and
people doing all the having bridal showers and multiple bachelorette
parties and people just are doing the most. And I
feel like it, for some reason, just infiltrates our feeds,
especially when you're a bride. For some reason, the algorithm
(21:30):
just feeds you all of this stuff. And so I
feel like the feeling that expectation like you're doing it
alone is also very common because of everything that you're consuming.
So I just want you to know that the things
that you're feeling are super I think normal. But I
also think if you give into those feelings and you
don't go through with having your wedding, I think you're
(21:51):
gonna ultimately regret it. Because I feel like you're going
to push through, You're going to figure it out, and
it's gonna be the best day of your life and
you're not gonna have regrets.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
My only advice because I think I would do that.
That's I think that's a really great advice, But I
would I would say we talked about guilt earlier, and
I think the inviting people to what's supposed to be
one of the best days of your life or even
just like, let's not even put the pressure of the
best day of your life, but something that's so special
and that you've been looking forward to and spending money on.
(22:26):
Why I just am like, And maybe it's just because
I'm in a place where when the Halen and I
think about our wedding and who we would invite, I'm like,
I'm not like, I don't care if they're family, close friends,
If they haven't supported our relationship or like have any
negativity or homophobic thoughts towards our relationship, they're not coming
to our wedding.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
So, if there's people who haven't felt like they've been
supportive of your relationship or been there for you through
things like, let go of the guilt, Because if they
haven't been there through through up until that point, why
do they get an invite to be there to celebrate
on the day.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, I do feel like it maybe is like a
point in your life when that starts to shift, because
I feel like in my twenties I would have probably
felt the same way of like I need to invite
everybody who invited me to their wedding and like have
that mentality like if.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Their family they have to come.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
Yeah, totally Yeah, And like I could not have been
farther from that mentality when I was planning my wedding. YEA,
our guest list was like so it was like one
of the easiest things. We had a couple, like I
would say maybe like two or three couples that we
regretted not inviting. Other than that, we were like our
invite and our wedding was like exactly what we wanted
it to be.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
But that's what I'm saying. I would go, I would
make a list of all the people that you're even
thinking of inviting, like even if you're on the fence
on it, And when you see their name, what feeling
do they evoke? Do they make you feel like I
want them to be a part of this day or
will I be okay if they're not there?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
And do you want these people a part of your future.
That was like the whole thing too, because like you
have so much guilt and pressure from your past, but
your pass is your past. Like it's like thinking about
the couples and the people that you want in your future.
M hmm.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
Yeah, these people are going to be in the photos
that you'll be looking at forever, you know. That's something
I was thinking about, like who want Who's face? Do
I want to look at him?
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
And if they want to celebrate you and and be
a part, then they'll show up before the day where
you're spending all their your saved money to feed them
and entertain them.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Yeah. I think it's also the price. It's not even
the pressure of like the best day of your life.
It's like the price tag. You're spending so much and
I want it to be just snowballs too.
Speaker 5 (24:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Like I was talking to one of my girlfriends who's
like thinking about it, and she's like, I just don't
think I want to even go there because I don't
want to open that door. And I was like, well,
maybe we could just do like a release intimate dinner
and you can get like a really pretty dress. And
then she's like yeah, but if I'm doing all that
and I'm bringing everybody over here, I'm going to want
to do like a rehearsal dinner, and then you're gonna, oh,
I'm gonna want a photographer, and it just all starts
(24:56):
to snowball on that up.
Speaker 3 (24:57):
Yeah, well, I would just really think of who who
has made you feel loved and support it as a couple,
and and don't let the guilt take over what is
best for you and your fiance. We love you and
you really wish you the best, and I hope this
is a is a love letter experience.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Yes, are you proud of me that I didn't dive
into questions about your wedding because you kind of went
there about your wedding, You and Handel.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
We want to invite people.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Yeah, but like I feel like that shows evolvement that
I just let it go.
Speaker 5 (25:34):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
What wasn't about me?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
I was just tiptoeing on the edge of not letting
it go.
Speaker 5 (25:39):
Yeah, you almost did it, you almost got there, but
just miss I'm perfect perfection, just improved.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yes, thank you?
Speaker 4 (26:06):
Alrighty.
Speaker 6 (26:07):
This one's from anonymous as always a blast. Hello Becca,
Tanya Mark in Easton. I've been a longtime listener, and
I know everyone says this, but you all make my
work commute so much more enjoyable. The dynamic the four
you have is just incredible. So please don't switch things
up on the pod too much. Let the trolls be trolls.
I'm looking for some advice on a friendship situation that's
been bothering me. I'm in my mid forties with kids,
(26:28):
and over the years, my husband and I became close
with one of our child's friends parents, especially the dads.
My husband doesn't have a lot of close friends, so
this connection is meant a lot. The mom and I
also became friendly, though not quite as close. A few
months ago, we saw a movie together and afterwards she
expected we'd also hang out that night. I had other
plans and I didn't remember any set plans for the evening,
(26:49):
and she got really upset with me. When I look
back at our texts, or had been a vague, non
committal mention of doing something, but nothing was confirmed. I
still felt awful. I later texted to ask if she
was upset, and she's said yes, and that I had
done this before, and saying it was becoming a trend.
Damn and She did acknowledge that she could have communicated better,
but that comment really stuck with me. Life is busy,
(27:09):
things come up, and I'd never treat a friend poorly
over a change of plans. If anything, I welcome cancelations.
Since then, I've stepped way back. I still include them
here and there to support my husband's friendship, but I
haven't been reaching out too much. Here's where I need help.
Do I just let this go and move forward like
nothing happened, Or if she eventually asks why we don't
hang out or grow on trips anymore? Do I tell
her honestly that her expectations feel unrealistic. How can I
(27:32):
be honest, hold my boundaries and still be graceful? Thanks
so much for any insight.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I got lost in that email.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
No, So, basically they went to She and her husband
went to see a movie with their friends their couple
uh huh, and they were Her friend thought they were
hanging out afterwards, but she had other plans. But she
had made like a loose comment about like, oh yeah,
maybe we can hang out afterwards, but it was nothing set.
So basically, the friend thought there was set plans for
(28:00):
them to hang out after the movie. She thought it
was a loose plan. She had made other plans after
the movie. Okay, So then her friend was like, you've
done this before. It's becoming a trend. When she asked
if she was upset.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
With her, Okay, this is like a non issue.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
This is this is where different personalities type can can need,
can clash and need extra TLC. Because what happened was
you are someone like me who is very noncommittal, fine
with making loose plans, welcomes cancelations, it's totally fine if
things switch up. There are other people who once, once
(28:36):
they have a loose plan or an idea of how
things are going to go on their mind, that's what
they have planned, and so if that goes astray, like
Hailey's very much like this.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Where I can't have loose plans.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Hailey does not like a loose plan. So if if
she has an idea of what we're doing, and then
I'm like, oh, I I didn't know that that was
a set plan. It's it's a conflict because in my mind,
I'm like, but we didn't solidify, and she's like, well
I did. It's on my calendar, So I think it's
just a conversation of understanding that she's not like you
in that and that's okay, but being respectful of both parties.
(29:12):
But I think what she probably needs to hear from
you is like, hey, I'm so sorry. Like my personality
is go with the flow. I'm non committal. I didn't
want I don't want to make this an issue, but
I am sorry if I like change the plans for
something that you had that you were set on, and
just like acknowledged to her that you understand where she's
(29:32):
coming from and I don't. I really don't think you
did anything wrong. But sometimes I think that's just what
people need to hear, is like, if you did something
that affected how they envisioned their evening going, I think
it's worth it to just go like, hey, I'm sorry
I did that. I'll be more aware of it in
the future because I don't want this to be a
trend or how you see me.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Yeah, I feel like as you get older, or or
maybe because I feel like I used to be a
pupil pleaser. If I if somebody said something like that,
like I get it that it's stuck with you, because
things would just stick with me like I would not
get over things because I'd just let them sit and
fester and I would think about them over and over
and over again.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
If I said, if I told you I was mad
at you, and you've done this before and it's becoming
a trend, you, what's so faster on that?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Yeah, I would do it. But the difference is the
difference is, and I think this is so important. If
it's one of your best friends. I think it's something
that you like. I value Becka's opinion, and I value
the things that you say way more than like ninety
percent of the people in my life. So if this
is something that's like an acquaintance and it's just like
(30:43):
because your husband is friends with her husband, it's like,
just let that stuff roll off your back, Like you
can't be so hyper fixated on it, be hyper fixated
because it's just going to eat it and it's going
to create like stress in your life. I think if
it's somebody that's important to you in your life and
they're giving you like a constructive critis and then I
think you could take it into consideration and like really
be mindful about it. But other than that, if it's
(31:04):
somebody that's just like an acquaintance.
Speaker 3 (31:08):
I think she wants the relationship to be uh like
comfortable though, because the husband's gonna really wrong. So I
think it's worth just being like I wanted to apologize
for you know that I made you so that way,
I'm misunderstanding and I'll be better at communicating because I
can just I'm totally go with the flow. I don't
(31:28):
mind cancelations or plan shifting, and I know that's not everybody,
so I acknowledge that and then just move on. Yeah,
and just to acknowledge what she why she was upset. Yeah,
and then don't think about it again.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Agreed. Yeah, period, Okay.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
We have one more.
Speaker 6 (31:50):
The Tiffany says, good morning, Becket, Tanya, Mark, and Easton.
I love knowing when people write these what time of
day it is. I've been listening since Tony was just
a guest. My question for you is if you could
live anywhere for one week, one month, and one year,
where would it be. Her answer is one week Australia,
one month Europe as a whole, and one year Hawaii.
Love you all and hope you have a good weekend.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I actually posted this on my Instagram.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
I did, Wow, Tiffany, you original match.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
No, my one week was I think I did one
week Hawaii, one month Majorca, and one year Japan. Japan
just has so many places to explore, and I just
like think it's so beautiful and I love the people
in the culture, and I would love to, Like Haley's
half Japanese, so it'd be really fun to go and like,
(32:38):
you know, live there for an extended amount of time.
Or I could flop. I could flop Hawaiian Japan like
I could. I could live in Hawaii for a year,
in Japan for a month, or no, sorry, I could.
I could do Hawaii or Japan for a year. But
those are my three favorite places as of now. What
about you.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
My one week I would do Saint Barts, it's the best.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
My one month I would do Hawaii, okay, yeah, And
then my one year I would do Europe because you
can really go many places period.
Speaker 6 (33:21):
I think my one week would be Australia the entire continent,
one month would be Hawaii the Big Island specifically, and
one year New York City. Baby, I want to know
what that year would be like. I'm really I've been
(33:41):
thinking about that a lot, you.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Know, I thought about I thought about New York.
Speaker 3 (33:44):
Yeah, I thought, maybe you got to start your year
in New York. What season would you start in? Oh?
Not Now, I think I would start in the fall
because I think it could be like the hype to
get through.
Speaker 4 (33:59):
Get through the the rest of the year.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yeah, I'd be like, this is amazing. And then I'd
be like, I just get.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
So tired in New York, like it has like it
does have this energy, but it's like more than five days.
I'm like, Mama's gotta.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
Go to bed.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Mama.
Speaker 3 (34:15):
Every time I go to New York. The first two
or three days, I'm like I'm move like yeah, and
then by the fourth and fifth day, I'm like, I
gotta get home. I gotta get back to.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
The West where I can go to the grocery store.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
Yeah, and just like.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Feeld not things dripping on me.
Speaker 4 (34:31):
Yeah, the tragedy.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Yeah, but cool.
Speaker 3 (34:36):
Yeah, there is a vibe.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
All right.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
Well that's all. Thank you as usual for always sending
in questions if you ever want our advice. D m
us on Instagram at scrubbing in pod or email us
at scrubbing In at iHeartMedia dot com. We love you
so
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Muchy, We love you Hell
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Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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