July 7, 2025 • 32 mins
Should you “schedule” sex?? Becca and Tanya try to help a Scrubber whose sex life is lacking, but that’s just the start of the advice we from Banya!
How do you choose a life path when faced with so many choices? Should you enter a long-distance relationship? And how do you balance timing of events like getting a new job… and getting engaged??
Plus, a rehash and a rewash of Tanya’s water bottle hygiene!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing in with Beachilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio and
two times People's Choice Award winning podcast Hell Love Everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
We are scrubbing in. Tanya just did the heartbeat like
you remember Step Up two when they do the dance.
It's so iconic when they're in the rain and then
he does the Yeah, same same vibe.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I know the streets.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, arguably maybe the best.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
It's so good.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
There's a bunch of them though hard to say. Oh really,
I think there's three or four. Yeah, but the guys,
how's it going speachy? Keen? How you did just and don' good?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And didn't just fun? Love that. We have a Dear
Vania today.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Six step Up movies? Yeah, what up?
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Three?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Step Up? Revolution, Step Up?
Speaker 5 (01:02):
All in, Step Up, China going to international.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
I need to step up, step up my step up. Yeah.
I thought four was reaching.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I thought two was plenty.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
You might be right. We have a Dear Bonnie episode.
We're here to give advice. Whether you agree or not,
that's okay. We just appreciate you being here.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Yeah, take it away.
Speaker 6 (01:33):
Mark from Emily Hey, scrubbing and fam first in Neto
A backtrack because Mark and Easton didn't answer how often
they washed their water bottles.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Didn't we not? I thought we did.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
I mean maybe we did. You got to kill on
my pagreon to get that information, he little pigs.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
If you want that, you gotta pay up.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Do you have a Patreon?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
I no, No, I don't.
Speaker 5 (01:53):
I have a cameo though, If you buy a cameo,
I'll tell you how often I watched my water bottle,
not at that.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
I have two work one in a home one.
Speaker 6 (02:00):
The home one gets washed every day, and then the
work one gets washed once a week. There you go, Tanya,
has that improved on your end?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I mean I've watched it a handful of times since
our conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
But not regularly. Okay.
Speaker 6 (02:16):
I'm married with two daughters, one and three. I live
in a town without any family or close friends. How
to make mom friends without being a total creep? I
try to have small talk with other moms at church, neighbors,
daycare pickup, but I always feel like it's forced, and
I'm so not brave enough to ask for a playdate
for the kids, because what if they say no? I
just feel so beyond awkward during these conversations. I'm trying
to be brave and make friends so I can show
(02:37):
my girls that we are brave and can do hard things.
But it's so intimidating. Thanks for all the last or
my absolute favorite podcast. Can't wait to see what the
future holds for all of you.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
That's nice, so nice. I feel like this is I
do I feel for you because I do feel like
this is hard because you're you're in a place where
you don't have familiarity. You're kind of isolated because the
ages of your daughters three and one, I feel like
are an age where you're kind of just in survival.
And so I think that you're doing a great job.
(03:06):
I think if you're having those conversations, just put what's
the worst they can say, You're already prepared for is
no yeah, And if they say no, great, move on
to the next. I also think there's so many groups
and like ways to connect with people. Now there's BUMBLEBFF,
you have like all these apps where you can make friends,
you have Facebook groups. I think you just find maybe
(03:29):
places and things that you enjoy and then go or
places and things that your kids enjoy. So therefore you're
going somewhere where you're meeting other mom friends.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I also feel like, if your kids are playing with
their kids, why wouldn't you ask for a playdate? I
don't know one mom that would say no. Right, that's
another mom.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
It off, that's yeah easy, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
That would say no to a playdate.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, and maybe even find somewhere fun to go that
maybe they haven't been yet, or do research and be like, oh,
I wanted to try out this place? Would you want
to go and check it out?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I feel like making friends, whether they're mom friends, single friends, whatever,
it's just like dating. You have to just like keep
asking people and then eventually it like sticks.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
And it is awkward, Like no matter what trying to
meet new people, whether it's romantic or friends, friendship based,
it's just uncomfortable. You have to go through the So
where you're from, Although I do feel like with kids,
you have this like new information to have people like
you can talk you don't even have to talk about yourself.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yeah, where'd you grow up?
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I like that though. I like where'd you grow up?
And I got right into the sports element of it.
That's my way in Just the other day, I got
to ride from a guy the Enterprise Rendlica.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
So, where'd you grow up by New York. Oh yank
you fan? Yeah, and then way we were off, We're
off to the races.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
So Haley has this theory because I'm not from LA
that she always says She'll ask people where are they
from to start the conversation, and if they say, like, oh,
I'm from wherever, it somehow always gets back to oh,
my girlfriends from Louisiana and she goes always my way
because if I just say I'm from LA, It's like
the conversation totally dies.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Like no one cares plot lines, plotlines.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
So she always uses it. But I agree, I think
there's something to that.
Speaker 6 (05:08):
Well, So my wife had a hard time after Ali
was born. Ali's now in college, but it was hard
at the time because she didn't know anybody and we
don't know any family here.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Three things. Number One, she'd only Yahoo Mom's group I
think face for a group, same deal. Yeah, that was
a big one.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Two she joined stroller Fit, which was an exercise class
for other moms with your kids in the stroller. You
exercised with the kids in the stroller. Met a lot
of women That way built her friend group. And three
was just like you were talking about, Ali was really
good at going up to kids in the playground saying Hi,
I'm Ali, what's your name? And some kids would freak
out and run from her. Didn't care go up to
the next kid, Hi, I'm Ali, what's your name? And
(05:42):
then they I remember a girl, her name was Dana,
and they hit it off on the playground. We ended
up having a whole bunch of playdates with Dana and
her family. So these are my three suggestions. These worked
for us.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, I think these are great suggestions. I like the
stroller thing because you're getting a workout in, you're having community,
and you're entertaining the kids.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
That was great for There's got to be like, because
there's a park that I walk. I do a lot
of my ten thousand steps around this like specific park,
and depending on the time of day, there's like a
pod of like twenty moms that just sit in a circle.
They all have a baby on a boob and it's
got to be some sort of like newborn class something
(06:24):
teaching you how to breastfeed whatever. I don't know what
it is.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
I think it's a baby baby on boob group.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Yeah, but then there's another mom there's you made that up.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
The bomb the bobs.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
So next to bobs, there were the mobs. Yeah, because
there was another group of moms but all like we're
doing something else with the babies, and like they were
looked a little bit older, and so I'm like, and
they're all they all look like they were like meeting
each other for the first time. So I'm like, everybody's
doing it. It's uncomfortable for everybody that you just got
to do it. There's it's a means to an end.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's so true, you know if dating that mentality of
like everyone who's going into those situations either is feeling
or has felt the same way that you're feeling. No
one is exempt from feeling the nerves and awkwardness of
being brave, like you said, So I encourage you to
keep being brave, keep putting yourself out there, join some groups,
(07:18):
see what sticks.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I'm gonna have to do this. I'm sure soon make
friends new friends that are in like the same.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
So you gotta find your bob, you gotta find my bobs.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
And that's just when I became a stepmom, like because
I'm friends with like moms in the school, so they know,
like what's going on.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I'm gonna have to meet some friends that don't have kids. Yeah,
you learnie, life is it?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Just watch it as we go.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
Stunning All right, Grace Hi back at Tanya Market easton
day one.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Scrubber here.
Speaker 6 (07:55):
Love the podcast and everything y'all do. I'm hoping you
guys can have With a work life situation. I'm a
social worker and work for a nonprofit in Texas. I've
been at the same place for seven years, but recently
offered my dream job where I'll get to run my
own program entirely. A new company is same city. In
the new company in the same city. It's a huge
promotion and I would be stupid not to take it,
so I've accepted it. My main problem is that we
(08:16):
were just about to start trying for our first baby.
I'm thirty, my husband's thirty two. We're ready for kids.
I can help, but feel like now is not the
right time. I really don't want to wait to get pregnant,
but at the same time, I don't want to start
a new job with a lot of responsibility and then
take maternity leave within the first year. I'm struggling with
some imposters, says syndrome, as well as with the big promotion,
which could be playing a part here. I need advice
(08:38):
on how to navigate the situation. Do I stick with
my plan of having kids a SAP or do I
wait a year or two to settle into the job.
I'm worried they might regret hiring me if I announce
a pregnancy just after getting hired. Thank you all, you
guys are the best.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I have a friend that has happened too. She got
a new job and they were trying, they wanted to
start trying for a baby, and then she got this
new job and she didn't feel like exactly what we said,
like getting this new job and then taking maternity leave
was like the right thing to do. And it sucks
that it's something that we as women have to think
about because we also have our biological clocks. I would
(09:12):
to think about and it sucks. And so I want
you to know, like what you're thinking and what you're
going through. I think a lot of people deal with
And my friend did end up waiting a year, like
so she was start trying to start trying.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, yeah, I think I really think what is which
is my gut is saying go for the new job
and try to have a baby. You don't know like
when it's gonna happen. It might happen immediately, it might
not happen immediately. And I think that you can go
(09:47):
and chase after the dream that you've had for a
long time while trying to achieve another dream, and it
might be a little overwhelming, and they might have opinions
on like why did you take this job? But that's
not your responsibility think about right now?
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Correct? Well put becca, thank you? Who cares what they think?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
I know, I know, but we do like you do
you take that on?
Speaker 2 (10:09):
No? No, no, I think and I see, I totally see,
and I hear it because I would probably feel the
exact same way. But I'm saying like, it's not I
think when that time comes for them to have an
opinion about it, it'll come, So navigate it then. But
I think in the meantime, take the opportunity you've been given.
This is such a dream of yours, and also start
trying to have a baby. And if you get pregnant,
(10:30):
then you'll have nine months to figure out, get set
up and find someone to help you run it and
figure it out.
Speaker 6 (10:36):
And also lose the imposter syndrome. I know that's easier
said than done. But they offered you this job. They
didn't offer you this job because they got turned down
by a thousand people. They want you to do this
job because you're qualified and you're the best person for it.
I think you take it and pull the goalie. And
if you want to wait a few months to pull
the goalie, fine, but I think you got to take
this job.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Yeah. I don't think there's any need to wait on
either thing. Go for it, that's my opinion.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
I agree, I agree, Easton, I completely agree. Fantastic.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
Yeah, you know we'll be right back. All right, We
(11:32):
are back for anonymous. Hi, Becka, Tania Market, Easton Incline.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Are you there?
Speaker 6 (11:38):
Because I really want his opinion. It's spend a minute
since I've submitted an email, But I'm wondering. I've been
wondering about this for a time now and figured it's
time to turn to the experts. My fiance and I
have been together three years. Of course, as it happens,
it started out hot and steamy. Now as time's going on,
we barely do the deed once maybe twice a month.
We both agree we feel very content in our relationship.
Fulfilled in many ways. We have a ton going on
(12:00):
in our lives, moving, buying houses, yeah, taking care of
our dogs, traveling, new jobs, family issues, all the life
changes you can imagine cram into just a few years,
and the planner in the relationship he is not so
I recently suggested scheduling sex. It sounds kind of silly
even to me, but at this point I just don't
see it happening organically as much as we'd like. I
told him maybe if we schedule it, it'll build some
(12:21):
excitement and anticipation, because honestly, for me, this part has
been lacking.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
Have you all ever gone through this? Is it normal?
Speaker 6 (12:27):
Sometimes to get in my head and I'm like, this
is how it's gonna be forever. We aren't even married
yet and we don't have kids yet. People say it
can become less frequent even more then. Don't get me wrong,
I don't have the highest libido ever, but I'm also
not dead and would thoroughly love to keep things interesting, exciting,
and keep the romance alive and feel it being reciprocated.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Also, we're so damn goofy together. It's the best thing
ever because we're always making each other laugh.
Speaker 6 (12:50):
But we need to reel it in sometimes when we're
trying to set the mood.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Please help. Well, that's good, that's a good sign.
Speaker 6 (12:56):
I feel like that's good that you're so silly together
and laughing that it's tough. I mean, I can see
that being a challenge, but I think that's a good
time for the relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I also think that it's fun to like be able
to laugh even during sex. Like I think it it
doesn't always have to be so serious and sexy every time.
But I'm curious. So he doesn't seem to have a
problem with this is.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
What we're It seems like neither of them really have
a problem with it.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Kind of does.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
She liked it to be more frequent, but she's not
saying like she's like unhappy. She wants it to be
more frequent, So she's wondering if scheduling it is like
a mood killer.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Well, she she said, is this how it's gonna be? Yeah,
I mean that makes me feel like she's not thrilled.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
About it, But she doesn't seem unhappy.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
No, she seems fine. She seems content. But I think
he fears if it's like this, what happens when we
get married and if it's like this what happens kids?
But yeah, yeah, maybe it's figuring out each other's sex language.
What's it called?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
What do we what's like it's called something mm hmm.
Speaker 5 (14:11):
Your sex blue printer.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I think that if you can figure out what interests
the other and turns the other on, I think maybe
that could. I think you could bring your humor and
fun into those things, like make it fun and like
exciting for the things that you both like. So maybe
have that conversation of like what do you like, what
do you prefer? What gets you in the mood, and
so that it's not just this expected thing of like
(14:39):
we have it on the schedule and you know it's rigid.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Yeah, And I think you can like loosely schedule it too,
because like I loosely will schedule it in my own head,
like I'm like I'm getting my period next week, so
let's like do it a lot before, like.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Do you know what I mean? I think I don't
think scheduling it is a negative thing. Like I think
people are like, oh, yeah, you're.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Is like a nine pm schedule on the Friday night.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Pressure that puts pressure on it. Correct, But I think
if you're able to just go like, hey, maybe we
can have some time together this week and just like
maybe make it spontaneous, but in a way that feels expected. Yes,
but I don't think it's a horrible thing. I just
think you've got to rekindle the I think your's friendship
(15:23):
aspect is very strong, and I think you just need
to rekindle.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
I also think, too, if you say to him, hey,
I really want to have sex more than twice a month,
and like, let's make this a priority, I don't think
that's a bad conversation to have either.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, I can't imagine he would be disappointed to hear
that at all at all. Men, Do y'all have any opinions?
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I think it's fine to schedule sex.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
There's been a lot said about how it can, like
she says, increase anticipation and excitement, because throughout the day
you're thinking about that, like, oh tonight, that's happening, and
how's that going to go, and it's just on your mind.
I think it's good. I think I think you have
the right idea.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Here, go ahead and schedule, let's see how it goes.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, just don't like put in the calendar.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
I don't mind put in the calendar.
Speaker 5 (16:05):
Yeah, I preferred in the calendar. Yeah, I want to
see that thing on my phone.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
A lot better than that.
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Then in the conference call with so and so meeting here,
meeting there. What a great thing to see in your calendar,
What a delight?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
What if other people have access to your calendar? Good
Friday night, APM.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Right, let's see here.
Speaker 6 (16:29):
I want to jump to a confused scrubber trying to
make a big life decision. This is B she says,
B and T and M and E and S n P.
That's Sonny and Phoebe. I think my brain's about to explode.
Your advice on business decision that is in front of me.
I have two options, and the regardless of what I
commit to, it will be successful. I will be fulfilled
(16:49):
and I will be living my dream. I just don't
know which path to take. Well, that's good, I guess
so far. Here's the situation. I'm a young professional without
children yet, and I have a supportive family and partner
who are willing to support me during this life transition.
I'm at a crossroads of leaving my stable job, which
at one time was my dream job in order to
pursue my own business in the same field. The other
(17:10):
option in front of me is partnering with my current
employer to open a new location. So here here are
the option number one. Path number one.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I don't know what I'm going to say.
Speaker 6 (17:18):
Start my own business, own it one hundred percent, turn
it into exactly what I want. It'll likely take longer
to build the brand and the income. My biggest fear
on this path is the vulnerability of the beginning stages income,
no healthcare, having no idea what I'm doing with figuring
out as I go, more risk.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Path two partner with my current.
Speaker 6 (17:36):
Employer, get a small piece of the pie, keep a salary,
keep healthcare in the startup period, get to be creative
on the business side, but within their brand, brand and
reputation the company is established. My biggest fear here is
trusting the partnership. At the end of the day, I
know this is a big life decision I need to
make for myself. I keep thinking about how Taylor Swift
owns all of her work, and she worked hard for
ownership for a reason. Maybe I need to take her
(17:59):
energy forward with thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I have no doubt in my mind that it's path
number one. Mm hmmm, one hundred percent. Why because here's
the thing, the things that you're worried about, your fears
of the low income, the losing the healthcare, having no
idea what I'm doing, but figuring out as I go
right now, Because you don't have children yet, you are
(18:23):
at you can make mistakes and you can do all
of this. Now, when you have kids, you can't do
all of you It's there's more risk, so you're going
to be less likely to make these moves. Losing healthcare, yeah,
you're gonna have to pay more for it. But I
just think, to me, there is a reason. And you
(18:45):
use taylorship as the example of owning your own work.
There is something to be said about that. And if
you have this presented to you in this opportunity right now,
I think you go for it.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah. I My thought process is, you know, sometimes I
watch these videos this is my algorithm TikTok, but it's like, yeah,
it's like people racing and one person starts like it's
let's say there's items that are laid out in a
straight line on either side, and so one person starts
at the closest item and they put it in the bucket,
(19:18):
and then the other person runs and gets the furthest
and starts at the furthest. So it's hard to work
at the beginning, but then at the end it's so
much easier, and that person always wins. The person who
runs further, who starts harder in the beginning, always finishes first.
And so I think there's something to be said of
like putting in the work and even though it might
be hard at the beginning, that what comes from it
(19:40):
is going to be make your life better and easier.
And I think like you're putting in the work to
create your own brand and business. And here's the thing.
If you're going to work for another company, you can
do that, whether it's the same company that you're debating
between or not. If your your idea doesn't go the
way you want it to and you need to go
and be employed by someone, you'll be able to find
(20:01):
that somewhere.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah. But what in fact that you said you have
a supportive family and partner. Yeah, I mean that's like
that's like having like five gases of tank in your
car before you go, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Like you're already or just a full tank.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Really yeah, sure, and more in the trunk. But you're right,
it's high risk, high reward or a lower risk, lower reward.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
And if you have kids you probably take the lower
risk path. But at this point in your life, I
agree with telling you high risk, high reward.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
And I think it's I think what I think is
either way you're going to be great. I just think
if you're.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
If not now, when, If not you who?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
If not here? Where?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
And also I always went in these situations.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
Which one would I regret? I think you would regret
not trying to do your own thing. You won't regret
the other one.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
I really agree.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Agree. All right? Our next one is do I start
a long distance relationship? And I have opinions on this,
so we're going to get to it when we come back.
(21:24):
All right, we are back. This one is about long dating,
long distance relationships.
Speaker 6 (21:31):
It's from k Dear Banya and Mark in Eastern in
mide April, left through to Colorado for a weekend trip
with some friends. While standing in line to board my
flat at Lax, my inner Tanya came out and I
started chatting with the couple behind me. It turns out
we're all lds. Mormon, and after just a few minutes
of conversation, the wife mentioned she wanted me to go
on a date with her son. I kind of laughed
(21:51):
it off and said okay, but her husband encouraged her
to get my info and we ended up following each
other on Instagram. We realized we had mutual friends and
lived that evening, her son Ill would be on Instagram
and asked me out. We went out on to date
while I was in town. It went really well. After
I returned to Willa, I messaged him to say I
had a great time, and he said he did two.
He measured we should go out again next time we're
in the same place. Well, ten days later, I booked
(22:12):
another trip for a second date. That date also went well.
He brought up future plans, asked when I'd be visiting again.
He said he'd love to go out next time I'm there.
I just got back from that second trip, and now
I'm facing a dilemma. I have a really busy summer,
maybe four to five weekends that might work for another
visit before September. I don't want to wait that long
to see him again. Another challenge that we haven't really
kept in touch between visits, there's been almost no communication.
(22:34):
Everything we've planned has been through DMS. So how do
I get rids their texting or talking on the phone
in between visits? Or should I just be direct and
tell him that's what I'd like? And am I totally
crazy for even considering a long distance relationship? Thank you
for your help and your input. Sincerely, K that has
kind of stuck in LA but also kind of wishes
she was in Colorado.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
This is very fun. However, I need him to make
some efforts gone to visit. Yeah, so I first and
foremost I need him to book a trip to see
you and plan a date with you in your city.
And then I also think that Yeah, I would say
my initial reaction is just have a fun summer. If
(23:15):
y'all happen to be in the same place, see each other,
go on dates, have fun, don't put any pressure on it.
And then the other thing is like, Okay, if you're
connecting and this feels like something that you want to
move forward with, go for it. But communication for long
distance is everything like being able to talk on the
phone and FaceTime and have know what's going on in
each other's life. If you're going to enter into a
(23:36):
relationship is crucial. So if y'all are still in the DMS,
I think that you need to communicate. Hey, I like
seeing you. I like when we go on dates. We
have great conversations. But if we were to move forward
with this, I would need a little bit more in
between us seeing each other. Otherwise, I'm totally open to
just be casual to see each other when we see
(23:58):
each other. But that's where I stand. I feel like
there's like.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
A bigger issue here, and that is why you want
a long distance relationship. I'd like you to really think.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I don't think she does. I don't think she wants
a long distance relationship. I think it just fell into
her lab right.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
But that's what I'm saying. You're trying to make this
into something.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
But I think I know what you're getting at because
you would intentionally go for long distance people because.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
It protected correct from a lot of pain.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
I think her thing is that happened. It fell into
her lap. She went on the date, and then she's like, oh,
I like him? Is this worth getting into.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
A long distance Everything can fall into your lab's, do
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
The same game, K, No, same game K this is
so I'm just saying, I just think maybe taking a
little bit of an internal look at this.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Because what is the ultimate outcome you date this guy?
Can you can either of you ever move? I mean
it might be early for those conversations, but in my opinion,
it's never too soon.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
Have to think about it, because the more time you
invest in this, yeah, the more invested you are. But
definition you may have a point on you about the
internal reasons, and I agree with Becca, you gotta he's
got to put some effort for it. He's not doing
much of anything as far as I can tell.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Before we move into who's willing to move? We got
to get out of the d MS. We got out
of the DM some people.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
I feel like people don't even give their numbers anymore.
They just say like DM me.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Well initially sure because they're no.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And they just only communicate on DMS.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I'm encouraging her to get out of that.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
I don't know if he is gen Z, but this
is like a gen Z thing.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Well, whether you're gen Z or not, Okay, I think
you deserve to have each other's phone numbers.
Speaker 6 (25:43):
I think pull back. I think pull back and see
what happens. Yeah, is he gonna put in the effort forth?
Don't plan another trip, just see how this goes. If
he puts a little bit of effort, then maybe, But
for now I think.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Hanging back like him being like, what am I going
to see you again?
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Well?
Speaker 2 (25:55):
I don't know, buddy. When when he's come in la.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Yeah that's right. Planes fly up and they flied left
and right.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yep, all right.
Speaker 6 (26:11):
This person who I don't have a name for, is
in a mental pickle. Dear Banya, I'm going through an
incredibly toxic work situation. My boss has made sexist remarks
to me taking credit for my work, told me I
take up too much space, etc. As a shaker to
no one. And I'm on the job search, which is
a story for another time. My boyfriend of six years
and I wanting to get engaged, and my work life
(26:32):
is so toxic that I said, can we just wait
to get engaged until I find something new. I explained
that I want to be engaged, but I hate my
current work life so much. I don't want to hear
a fake congratulations from my sexist boss or have him
nitpicked me about being happily engaged.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
To add to it.
Speaker 6 (26:47):
My boyfriend is contracted by our organization a lot since
he's a musician that works for us, so my boss
is now starting to target him in his toxic tirade.
My boyfriend is my dream partner, the most supportive, funny, kind, selfless,
passionate person, and he will do anything to make me happy,
so I know he will support me if we decide
to get engaged, even though I don't really want to wait.
I am a Tanya. My question is what is my
(27:10):
problem that's making me want to deprive myself of so
much joy because I'm in this position? How do I
get myself out of such a funk? How do I
stay mentally strong and a modern motivated woman as I
look for a new job and enter this exciting new
phase of engagement. I'd appreciate any advice. This podcast has
been such a highlight to my week during this stressful,
transformative time. Thank you for being a safe, supportive, and
(27:31):
inspiring space for so many listeners.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
I don't want you to wait to get engaged until
you find a new job, because that sucks, and I
feel like I hate this boss for you, but I
almost wish that you could like disassociate or compartmentalize, which
I think is a very important lesson in life. And
if you can learn how to do that now, I
think it's just going to benefit you more in the
future to like compartmentalize. Like, Okay, I'm going to zip
(27:58):
at my cocoon, I'm going to go to work and
I'm going to deal with this asshole, but I'm gonna
come home, I'm gonna guns at my cocoon, and I'm
going to like have my happy life sever it. Yeah,
And I feel like you need to do that because
I think searching for a job, especially now, it might
take you some time, and I feel like waiting to
get engaged so that until you have a new job
just seems like you're putting a pause on such a happy,
(28:21):
exciting time in your life.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So yeah, I feel like, unfortunately it's hard to avoid
because it we're humans. But I think you're giving this
boss so much energy that I'm like, don't give him
the energy of affecting your happiness about being engaged to
the person that you love.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
And like, when I tell you, I understand, I didn't
deal with the sexist boss, thank god, but I dealt
with a very meet.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Okay, Oh oh no, so I'm sorry. Yes, sexist. There
was no like, uh actual harassment, oh sure, Like I
didn't deal with that, right, But it was very negative,
It was very toxic. It was very harmful to my
all around being. Like I would take it home with me.
Everything he said I would take home with me. I'd
(29:13):
be miserable and miserable and miserable. And I actually don't
even know how I did it, but I was able
to dissociate so much that like literally now it's like,
I mean, he's not my boss anymore, but you could
say anything and it would just like fly over my
I could not care less. So I did it.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It takes practice, I mean, it takes a lot of
practice and like energy, shifting your energy into what you're
like putting your focus on. But I just think that
if you just wait to let yourself be happy in
your personal life because of this loser you're just getting,
you're letting him win. And I really don't like to
see a loser like that win.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Same.
Speaker 6 (29:52):
And also, there are a lot of excuses that you
can use to postpone major life moments, And why we
do that, I don't know, but I think that. Like,
for example, when I propose to my wife, she wasn't
expecting it because she she was going back to school
and she assumed that after the two years she was
going back to take the program. We probably get engaged
after that, so she didn't even see it coming because
(30:14):
we were pushing things off. Because I think that's an
there's an instinct there, like even though this is the
perfect guy and you want to be engaged, it's like
closing off a chapter of your life.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
It's a major life moment, or.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You want to have like all your ducks in a row.
Speaker 6 (30:26):
And I even said that as part of my speech
to my wife on the beach that day when I proposed.
Is I know we're not ready for this. I know
we don't have everything set up the way we wanted to,
but I don't care. So I think you kind of
got to. If you wait till everything's perfect, you're never
it's never going to happen. So I say, go for it,
get engaged, same, enjoy that part of your life.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Severate.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
Severate.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
If you all don't know, sever it is from severance.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Touching well, I mean it's basically compartmentalizing right off your work.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
If you're your work life where you go home. Yeah, correct,
Let yourself be happy with the man that you love. Yeah,
and don't let the man you don't love.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Dictate any other part of your life.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Don't give them that power.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
A lot of power, a lot of power. We give
people so much power, and it's crazy, preach. No one
should have that amount of power over you. That's right,
only you, that's right, over yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
That's right. Well, that's all for now. I saw someone
wrote on the scrubbing and Facebook group, Hey, I had
a dear bonniu question where do I write in? And
I said, let me announce it one more time. I'll
do it over and over again. Actually, if you have
a dear Bonnia that you want us to address, give
advice on acknowledge, et cetera, et cetera. You can DM
(31:47):
the scrubbing in Instagram, which is scrubbing in pod at
scrubbing in pod or you can email us at scrubbing
in at iHeartMedia dot com. We love you so much.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
We love you by
Scrubbing in with Beachilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio and
two times People's Choice Award winning podcast Hell Love Everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
We are scrubbing in. Tanya just did the heartbeat like
you remember Step Up two when they do the dance.
It's so iconic when they're in the rain and then
he does the Yeah, same same vibe.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
I know the streets.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Yeah, arguably maybe the best.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
It's so good.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
There's a bunch of them though hard to say. Oh really,
I think there's three or four. Yeah, but the guys,
how's it going speachy? Keen? How you did just and don' good?
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Good?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And didn't just fun? Love that. We have a Dear
Vania today.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Six step Up movies? Yeah, what up?
Speaker 4 (01:00):
Three?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Step Up? Revolution, Step Up?
Speaker 5 (01:02):
All in, Step Up, China going to international.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
I need to step up, step up my step up. Yeah.
I thought four was reaching.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I thought two was plenty.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
You might be right. We have a Dear Bonnie episode.
We're here to give advice. Whether you agree or not,
that's okay. We just appreciate you being here.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Yeah, take it away.
Speaker 6 (01:33):
Mark from Emily Hey, scrubbing and fam first in Neto
A backtrack because Mark and Easton didn't answer how often
they washed their water bottles.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Didn't we not? I thought we did.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
I mean maybe we did. You got to kill on
my pagreon to get that information, he little pigs.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
If you want that, you gotta pay up.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Do you have a Patreon?
Speaker 3 (01:52):
I no, No, I don't.
Speaker 5 (01:53):
I have a cameo though, If you buy a cameo,
I'll tell you how often I watched my water bottle,
not at that.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
I have two work one in a home one.
Speaker 6 (02:00):
The home one gets washed every day, and then the
work one gets washed once a week. There you go, Tanya,
has that improved on your end?
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I mean I've watched it a handful of times since
our conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
But not regularly. Okay.
Speaker 6 (02:16):
I'm married with two daughters, one and three. I live
in a town without any family or close friends. How
to make mom friends without being a total creep? I
try to have small talk with other moms at church, neighbors,
daycare pickup, but I always feel like it's forced, and
I'm so not brave enough to ask for a playdate
for the kids, because what if they say no? I
just feel so beyond awkward during these conversations. I'm trying
to be brave and make friends so I can show
(02:37):
my girls that we are brave and can do hard things.
But it's so intimidating. Thanks for all the last or
my absolute favorite podcast. Can't wait to see what the
future holds for all of you.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
That's nice, so nice. I feel like this is I
do I feel for you because I do feel like
this is hard because you're you're in a place where
you don't have familiarity. You're kind of isolated because the
ages of your daughters three and one, I feel like
are an age where you're kind of just in survival.
And so I think that you're doing a great job.
(03:06):
I think if you're having those conversations, just put what's
the worst they can say, You're already prepared for is
no yeah, And if they say no, great, move on
to the next. I also think there's so many groups
and like ways to connect with people. Now there's BUMBLEBFF,
you have like all these apps where you can make friends,
you have Facebook groups. I think you just find maybe
(03:29):
places and things that you enjoy and then go or
places and things that your kids enjoy. So therefore you're
going somewhere where you're meeting other mom friends.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
I also feel like, if your kids are playing with
their kids, why wouldn't you ask for a playdate? I
don't know one mom that would say no. Right, that's
another mom.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
It off, that's yeah easy, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
That would say no to a playdate.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Yeah, and maybe even find somewhere fun to go that
maybe they haven't been yet, or do research and be like, oh,
I wanted to try out this place? Would you want
to go and check it out?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
I feel like making friends, whether they're mom friends, single friends, whatever,
it's just like dating. You have to just like keep
asking people and then eventually it like sticks.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
And it is awkward, Like no matter what trying to
meet new people, whether it's romantic or friends, friendship based,
it's just uncomfortable. You have to go through the So
where you're from, Although I do feel like with kids,
you have this like new information to have people like
you can talk you don't even have to talk about yourself.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yeah, where'd you grow up?
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I like that though. I like where'd you grow up?
And I got right into the sports element of it.
That's my way in Just the other day, I got
to ride from a guy the Enterprise Rendlica.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
So, where'd you grow up by New York. Oh yank
you fan? Yeah, and then way we were off, We're
off to the races.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
So Haley has this theory because I'm not from LA
that she always says She'll ask people where are they
from to start the conversation, and if they say, like, oh,
I'm from wherever, it somehow always gets back to oh,
my girlfriends from Louisiana and she goes always my way
because if I just say I'm from LA, It's like
the conversation totally dies.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Like no one cares plot lines, plotlines.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
So she always uses it. But I agree, I think
there's something to that.
Speaker 6 (05:08):
Well, So my wife had a hard time after Ali
was born. Ali's now in college, but it was hard
at the time because she didn't know anybody and we
don't know any family here.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Three things. Number One, she'd only Yahoo Mom's group I
think face for a group, same deal. Yeah, that was
a big one.
Speaker 6 (05:21):
Two she joined stroller Fit, which was an exercise class
for other moms with your kids in the stroller. You
exercised with the kids in the stroller. Met a lot
of women That way built her friend group. And three
was just like you were talking about, Ali was really
good at going up to kids in the playground saying Hi,
I'm Ali, what's your name? And some kids would freak
out and run from her. Didn't care go up to
the next kid, Hi, I'm Ali, what's your name? And
(05:42):
then they I remember a girl, her name was Dana,
and they hit it off on the playground. We ended
up having a whole bunch of playdates with Dana and
her family. So these are my three suggestions. These worked
for us.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yeah, I think these are great suggestions. I like the
stroller thing because you're getting a workout in, you're having community,
and you're entertaining the kids.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
That was great for There's got to be like, because
there's a park that I walk. I do a lot
of my ten thousand steps around this like specific park,
and depending on the time of day, there's like a
pod of like twenty moms that just sit in a circle.
They all have a baby on a boob and it's
got to be some sort of like newborn class something
(06:24):
teaching you how to breastfeed whatever. I don't know what
it is.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
I think it's a baby baby on boob group.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Yeah, but then there's another mom there's you made that up.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
The bomb the bobs.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
So next to bobs, there were the mobs. Yeah, because
there was another group of moms but all like we're
doing something else with the babies, and like they were
looked a little bit older, and so I'm like, and
they're all they all look like they were like meeting
each other for the first time. So I'm like, everybody's
doing it. It's uncomfortable for everybody that you just got
to do it. There's it's a means to an end.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
It's so true, you know if dating that mentality of
like everyone who's going into those situations either is feeling
or has felt the same way that you're feeling. No
one is exempt from feeling the nerves and awkwardness of
being brave, like you said, So I encourage you to
keep being brave, keep putting yourself out there, join some groups,
(07:18):
see what sticks.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I'm gonna have to do this. I'm sure soon make
friends new friends that are in like the same.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
So you gotta find your bob, you gotta find my bobs.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
And that's just when I became a stepmom, like because
I'm friends with like moms in the school, so they know,
like what's going on.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
I'm gonna have to meet some friends that don't have kids. Yeah,
you learnie, life is it?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Just watch it as we go.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
Stunning All right, Grace Hi back at Tanya Market easton
day one.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Scrubber here.
Speaker 6 (07:55):
Love the podcast and everything y'all do. I'm hoping you
guys can have With a work life situation. I'm a
social worker and work for a nonprofit in Texas. I've
been at the same place for seven years, but recently
offered my dream job where I'll get to run my
own program entirely. A new company is same city. In
the new company in the same city. It's a huge
promotion and I would be stupid not to take it,
so I've accepted it. My main problem is that we
(08:16):
were just about to start trying for our first baby.
I'm thirty, my husband's thirty two. We're ready for kids.
I can help, but feel like now is not the
right time. I really don't want to wait to get pregnant,
but at the same time, I don't want to start
a new job with a lot of responsibility and then
take maternity leave within the first year. I'm struggling with
some imposters, says syndrome, as well as with the big promotion,
which could be playing a part here. I need advice
(08:38):
on how to navigate the situation. Do I stick with
my plan of having kids a SAP or do I
wait a year or two to settle into the job.
I'm worried they might regret hiring me if I announce
a pregnancy just after getting hired. Thank you all, you
guys are the best.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
I have a friend that has happened too. She got
a new job and they were trying, they wanted to
start trying for a baby, and then she got this
new job and she didn't feel like exactly what we said,
like getting this new job and then taking maternity leave
was like the right thing to do. And it sucks
that it's something that we as women have to think
about because we also have our biological clocks. I would
(09:12):
to think about and it sucks. And so I want
you to know, like what you're thinking and what you're
going through. I think a lot of people deal with
And my friend did end up waiting a year, like
so she was start trying to start trying.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
Yeah, yeah, I think I really think what is which
is my gut is saying go for the new job
and try to have a baby. You don't know like
when it's gonna happen. It might happen immediately, it might
not happen immediately. And I think that you can go
(09:47):
and chase after the dream that you've had for a
long time while trying to achieve another dream, and it
might be a little overwhelming, and they might have opinions
on like why did you take this job? But that's
not your responsibility think about right now?
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Correct? Well put becca, thank you? Who cares what they think?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
I know, I know, but we do like you do
you take that on?
Speaker 2 (10:09):
No? No, no, I think and I see, I totally see,
and I hear it because I would probably feel the
exact same way. But I'm saying like, it's not I
think when that time comes for them to have an
opinion about it, it'll come, So navigate it then. But
I think in the meantime, take the opportunity you've been given.
This is such a dream of yours, and also start
trying to have a baby. And if you get pregnant,
(10:30):
then you'll have nine months to figure out, get set
up and find someone to help you run it and
figure it out.
Speaker 6 (10:36):
And also lose the imposter syndrome. I know that's easier
said than done. But they offered you this job. They
didn't offer you this job because they got turned down
by a thousand people. They want you to do this
job because you're qualified and you're the best person for it.
I think you take it and pull the goalie. And
if you want to wait a few months to pull
the goalie, fine, but I think you got to take
this job.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Yeah. I don't think there's any need to wait on
either thing. Go for it, that's my opinion.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
I agree, I agree, Easton, I completely agree. Fantastic.
Speaker 6 (11:09):
Yeah, you know we'll be right back. All right, We
(11:32):
are back for anonymous. Hi, Becka, Tania Market, Easton Incline.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Are you there?
Speaker 6 (11:38):
Because I really want his opinion. It's spend a minute
since I've submitted an email, But I'm wondering. I've been
wondering about this for a time now and figured it's
time to turn to the experts. My fiance and I
have been together three years. Of course, as it happens,
it started out hot and steamy. Now as time's going on,
we barely do the deed once maybe twice a month.
We both agree we feel very content in our relationship.
Fulfilled in many ways. We have a ton going on
(12:00):
in our lives, moving, buying houses, yeah, taking care of
our dogs, traveling, new jobs, family issues, all the life
changes you can imagine cram into just a few years,
and the planner in the relationship he is not so
I recently suggested scheduling sex. It sounds kind of silly
even to me, but at this point I just don't
see it happening organically as much as we'd like. I
told him maybe if we schedule it, it'll build some
(12:21):
excitement and anticipation, because honestly, for me, this part has
been lacking.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
Have you all ever gone through this? Is it normal?
Speaker 6 (12:27):
Sometimes to get in my head and I'm like, this
is how it's gonna be forever. We aren't even married
yet and we don't have kids yet. People say it
can become less frequent even more then. Don't get me wrong,
I don't have the highest libido ever, but I'm also
not dead and would thoroughly love to keep things interesting, exciting,
and keep the romance alive and feel it being reciprocated.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Also, we're so damn goofy together. It's the best thing
ever because we're always making each other laugh.
Speaker 6 (12:50):
But we need to reel it in sometimes when we're
trying to set the mood.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Please help. Well, that's good, that's a good sign.
Speaker 6 (12:56):
I feel like that's good that you're so silly together
and laughing that it's tough. I mean, I can see
that being a challenge, but I think that's a good
time for the relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I also think that it's fun to like be able
to laugh even during sex. Like I think it it
doesn't always have to be so serious and sexy every time.
But I'm curious. So he doesn't seem to have a
problem with this is.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
What we're It seems like neither of them really have
a problem with it.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Kind of does.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
She liked it to be more frequent, but she's not
saying like she's like unhappy. She wants it to be
more frequent, So she's wondering if scheduling it is like
a mood killer.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Well, she she said, is this how it's gonna be? Yeah,
I mean that makes me feel like she's not thrilled.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
About it, But she doesn't seem unhappy.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
No, she seems fine. She seems content. But I think
he fears if it's like this, what happens when we
get married and if it's like this what happens kids?
But yeah, yeah, maybe it's figuring out each other's sex language.
What's it called?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
What do we what's like it's called something mm hmm.
Speaker 5 (14:11):
Your sex blue printer.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I think that if you can figure out what interests
the other and turns the other on, I think maybe
that could. I think you could bring your humor and
fun into those things, like make it fun and like
exciting for the things that you both like. So maybe
have that conversation of like what do you like, what
do you prefer? What gets you in the mood, and
so that it's not just this expected thing of like
(14:39):
we have it on the schedule and you know it's rigid.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Yeah, And I think you can like loosely schedule it too,
because like I loosely will schedule it in my own head,
like I'm like I'm getting my period next week, so
let's like do it a lot before, like.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Do you know what I mean? I think I don't
think scheduling it is a negative thing. Like I think
people are like, oh, yeah, you're.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Is like a nine pm schedule on the Friday night.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Pressure that puts pressure on it. Correct, But I think
if you're able to just go like, hey, maybe we
can have some time together this week and just like
maybe make it spontaneous, but in a way that feels expected. Yes,
but I don't think it's a horrible thing. I just
think you've got to rekindle the I think your's friendship
(15:23):
aspect is very strong, and I think you just need
to rekindle.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
I also think, too, if you say to him, hey,
I really want to have sex more than twice a month,
and like, let's make this a priority, I don't think
that's a bad conversation to have either.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, I can't imagine he would be disappointed to hear
that at all at all. Men, Do y'all have any opinions?
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I think it's fine to schedule sex.
Speaker 6 (15:45):
There's been a lot said about how it can, like
she says, increase anticipation and excitement, because throughout the day
you're thinking about that, like, oh tonight, that's happening, and
how's that going to go, and it's just on your mind.
I think it's good. I think I think you have
the right idea.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
Here, go ahead and schedule, let's see how it goes.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, just don't like put in the calendar.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
I don't mind put in the calendar.
Speaker 5 (16:05):
Yeah, I preferred in the calendar. Yeah, I want to
see that thing on my phone.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
A lot better than that.
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Then in the conference call with so and so meeting here,
meeting there. What a great thing to see in your calendar,
What a delight?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
What if other people have access to your calendar? Good
Friday night, APM.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Right, let's see here.
Speaker 6 (16:29):
I want to jump to a confused scrubber trying to
make a big life decision. This is B she says,
B and T and M and E and S n P.
That's Sonny and Phoebe. I think my brain's about to explode.
Your advice on business decision that is in front of me.
I have two options, and the regardless of what I
commit to, it will be successful. I will be fulfilled
(16:49):
and I will be living my dream. I just don't
know which path to take. Well, that's good, I guess
so far. Here's the situation. I'm a young professional without
children yet, and I have a supportive family and partner
who are willing to support me during this life transition.
I'm at a crossroads of leaving my stable job, which
at one time was my dream job in order to
pursue my own business in the same field. The other
(17:10):
option in front of me is partnering with my current
employer to open a new location. So here here are
the option number one. Path number one.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I don't know what I'm going to say.
Speaker 6 (17:18):
Start my own business, own it one hundred percent, turn
it into exactly what I want. It'll likely take longer
to build the brand and the income. My biggest fear
on this path is the vulnerability of the beginning stages income,
no healthcare, having no idea what I'm doing with figuring
out as I go, more risk.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Path two partner with my current.
Speaker 6 (17:36):
Employer, get a small piece of the pie, keep a salary,
keep healthcare in the startup period, get to be creative
on the business side, but within their brand, brand and
reputation the company is established. My biggest fear here is
trusting the partnership. At the end of the day, I
know this is a big life decision I need to
make for myself. I keep thinking about how Taylor Swift
owns all of her work, and she worked hard for
ownership for a reason. Maybe I need to take her
(17:59):
energy forward with thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I have no doubt in my mind that it's path
number one. Mm hmmm, one hundred percent. Why because here's
the thing, the things that you're worried about, your fears
of the low income, the losing the healthcare, having no
idea what I'm doing, but figuring out as I go
right now, Because you don't have children yet, you are
(18:23):
at you can make mistakes and you can do all
of this. Now, when you have kids, you can't do
all of you It's there's more risk, so you're going
to be less likely to make these moves. Losing healthcare, yeah,
you're gonna have to pay more for it. But I
just think, to me, there is a reason. And you
(18:45):
use taylorship as the example of owning your own work.
There is something to be said about that. And if
you have this presented to you in this opportunity right now,
I think you go for it.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yeah. I My thought process is, you know, sometimes I
watch these videos this is my algorithm TikTok, but it's like, yeah,
it's like people racing and one person starts like it's
let's say there's items that are laid out in a
straight line on either side, and so one person starts
at the closest item and they put it in the bucket,
(19:18):
and then the other person runs and gets the furthest
and starts at the furthest. So it's hard to work
at the beginning, but then at the end it's so
much easier, and that person always wins. The person who
runs further, who starts harder in the beginning, always finishes first.
And so I think there's something to be said of
like putting in the work and even though it might
be hard at the beginning, that what comes from it
(19:40):
is going to be make your life better and easier.
And I think like you're putting in the work to
create your own brand and business. And here's the thing.
If you're going to work for another company, you can
do that, whether it's the same company that you're debating
between or not. If your your idea doesn't go the
way you want it to and you need to go
and be employed by someone, you'll be able to find
(20:01):
that somewhere.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah. But what in fact that you said you have
a supportive family and partner. Yeah, I mean that's like
that's like having like five gases of tank in your
car before you go, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Like you're already or just a full tank.
Speaker 3 (20:15):
Really yeah, sure, and more in the trunk. But you're right,
it's high risk, high reward or a lower risk, lower reward.
Speaker 6 (20:22):
And if you have kids you probably take the lower
risk path. But at this point in your life, I
agree with telling you high risk, high reward.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
And I think it's I think what I think is
either way you're going to be great. I just think
if you're.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
If not now, when, If not you who?
Speaker 2 (20:38):
If not here? Where?
Speaker 3 (20:44):
And also I always went in these situations.
Speaker 6 (20:46):
Which one would I regret? I think you would regret
not trying to do your own thing. You won't regret
the other one.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
I really agree.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Agree. All right? Our next one is do I start
a long distance relationship? And I have opinions on this,
so we're going to get to it when we come back.
(21:24):
All right, we are back. This one is about long dating,
long distance relationships.
Speaker 6 (21:31):
It's from k Dear Banya and Mark in Eastern in
mide April, left through to Colorado for a weekend trip
with some friends. While standing in line to board my
flat at Lax, my inner Tanya came out and I
started chatting with the couple behind me. It turns out
we're all lds. Mormon, and after just a few minutes
of conversation, the wife mentioned she wanted me to go
on a date with her son. I kind of laughed
(21:51):
it off and said okay, but her husband encouraged her
to get my info and we ended up following each
other on Instagram. We realized we had mutual friends and
lived that evening, her son Ill would be on Instagram
and asked me out. We went out on to date
while I was in town. It went really well. After
I returned to Willa, I messaged him to say I
had a great time, and he said he did two.
He measured we should go out again next time we're
in the same place. Well, ten days later, I booked
(22:12):
another trip for a second date. That date also went well.
He brought up future plans, asked when I'd be visiting again.
He said he'd love to go out next time I'm there.
I just got back from that second trip, and now
I'm facing a dilemma. I have a really busy summer,
maybe four to five weekends that might work for another
visit before September. I don't want to wait that long
to see him again. Another challenge that we haven't really
kept in touch between visits, there's been almost no communication.
(22:34):
Everything we've planned has been through DMS. So how do
I get rids their texting or talking on the phone
in between visits? Or should I just be direct and
tell him that's what I'd like? And am I totally
crazy for even considering a long distance relationship? Thank you
for your help and your input. Sincerely, K that has
kind of stuck in LA but also kind of wishes
she was in Colorado.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
This is very fun. However, I need him to make
some efforts gone to visit. Yeah, so I first and
foremost I need him to book a trip to see
you and plan a date with you in your city.
And then I also think that Yeah, I would say
my initial reaction is just have a fun summer. If
(23:15):
y'all happen to be in the same place, see each other,
go on dates, have fun, don't put any pressure on it.
And then the other thing is like, Okay, if you're
connecting and this feels like something that you want to
move forward with, go for it. But communication for long
distance is everything like being able to talk on the
phone and FaceTime and have know what's going on in
each other's life. If you're going to enter into a
(23:36):
relationship is crucial. So if y'all are still in the DMS,
I think that you need to communicate. Hey, I like
seeing you. I like when we go on dates. We
have great conversations. But if we were to move forward
with this, I would need a little bit more in
between us seeing each other. Otherwise, I'm totally open to
just be casual to see each other when we see
(23:58):
each other. But that's where I stand. I feel like
there's like.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
A bigger issue here, and that is why you want
a long distance relationship. I'd like you to really think.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I don't think she does. I don't think she wants
a long distance relationship. I think it just fell into
her lab right.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
But that's what I'm saying. You're trying to make this
into something.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
But I think I know what you're getting at because
you would intentionally go for long distance people because.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
It protected correct from a lot of pain.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
I think her thing is that happened. It fell into
her lap. She went on the date, and then she's like, oh,
I like him? Is this worth getting into.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
A long distance Everything can fall into your lab's, do
you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (24:37):
The same game, K, No, same game K this is
so I'm just saying, I just think maybe taking a
little bit of an internal look at this.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Because what is the ultimate outcome you date this guy?
Can you can either of you ever move? I mean
it might be early for those conversations, but in my opinion,
it's never too soon.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
Have to think about it, because the more time you
invest in this, yeah, the more invested you are. But
definition you may have a point on you about the
internal reasons, and I agree with Becca, you gotta he's
got to put some effort for it. He's not doing
much of anything as far as I can tell.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Before we move into who's willing to move? We got
to get out of the d MS. We got out
of the DM some people.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
I feel like people don't even give their numbers anymore.
They just say like DM me.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Well initially sure because they're no.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
And they just only communicate on DMS.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, but I'm encouraging her to get out of that.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
I don't know if he is gen Z, but this
is like a gen Z thing.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Well, whether you're gen Z or not, Okay, I think
you deserve to have each other's phone numbers.
Speaker 6 (25:43):
I think pull back. I think pull back and see
what happens. Yeah, is he gonna put in the effort forth?
Don't plan another trip, just see how this goes. If
he puts a little bit of effort, then maybe, But
for now I think.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Hanging back like him being like, what am I going
to see you again?
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Well?
Speaker 2 (25:55):
I don't know, buddy. When when he's come in la.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Yeah that's right. Planes fly up and they flied left
and right.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Yep, all right.
Speaker 6 (26:11):
This person who I don't have a name for, is
in a mental pickle. Dear Banya, I'm going through an
incredibly toxic work situation. My boss has made sexist remarks
to me taking credit for my work, told me I
take up too much space, etc. As a shaker to
no one. And I'm on the job search, which is
a story for another time. My boyfriend of six years
and I wanting to get engaged, and my work life
(26:32):
is so toxic that I said, can we just wait
to get engaged until I find something new. I explained
that I want to be engaged, but I hate my
current work life so much. I don't want to hear
a fake congratulations from my sexist boss or have him
nitpicked me about being happily engaged.
Speaker 3 (26:46):
To add to it.
Speaker 6 (26:47):
My boyfriend is contracted by our organization a lot since
he's a musician that works for us, so my boss
is now starting to target him in his toxic tirade.
My boyfriend is my dream partner, the most supportive, funny, kind, selfless,
passionate person, and he will do anything to make me happy,
so I know he will support me if we decide
to get engaged, even though I don't really want to wait.
I am a Tanya. My question is what is my
(27:10):
problem that's making me want to deprive myself of so
much joy because I'm in this position? How do I
get myself out of such a funk? How do I
stay mentally strong and a modern motivated woman as I
look for a new job and enter this exciting new
phase of engagement. I'd appreciate any advice. This podcast has
been such a highlight to my week during this stressful,
transformative time. Thank you for being a safe, supportive, and
(27:31):
inspiring space for so many listeners.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
I don't want you to wait to get engaged until
you find a new job, because that sucks, and I
feel like I hate this boss for you, but I
almost wish that you could like disassociate or compartmentalize, which
I think is a very important lesson in life. And
if you can learn how to do that now, I
think it's just going to benefit you more in the
future to like compartmentalize. Like, Okay, I'm going to zip
(27:58):
at my cocoon, I'm going to go to work and
I'm going to deal with this asshole, but I'm gonna
come home, I'm gonna guns at my cocoon, and I'm
going to like have my happy life sever it. Yeah,
And I feel like you need to do that because
I think searching for a job, especially now, it might
take you some time, and I feel like waiting to
get engaged so that until you have a new job
just seems like you're putting a pause on such a happy,
(28:21):
exciting time in your life.
Speaker 2 (28:24):
So yeah, I feel like, unfortunately it's hard to avoid
because it we're humans. But I think you're giving this
boss so much energy that I'm like, don't give him
the energy of affecting your happiness about being engaged to
the person that you love.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
And like, when I tell you, I understand, I didn't
deal with the sexist boss, thank god, but I dealt
with a very meet.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Okay, Oh oh no, so I'm sorry. Yes, sexist. There
was no like, uh actual harassment, oh sure, Like I
didn't deal with that, right, But it was very negative,
It was very toxic. It was very harmful to my
all around being. Like I would take it home with me.
Everything he said I would take home with me. I'd
(29:13):
be miserable and miserable and miserable. And I actually don't
even know how I did it, but I was able
to dissociate so much that like literally now it's like,
I mean, he's not my boss anymore, but you could
say anything and it would just like fly over my
I could not care less. So I did it.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It takes practice, I mean, it takes a lot of
practice and like energy, shifting your energy into what you're
like putting your focus on. But I just think that
if you just wait to let yourself be happy in
your personal life because of this loser you're just getting,
you're letting him win. And I really don't like to
see a loser like that win.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Same.
Speaker 6 (29:52):
And also, there are a lot of excuses that you
can use to postpone major life moments, And why we
do that, I don't know, but I think that. Like,
for example, when I propose to my wife, she wasn't
expecting it because she she was going back to school
and she assumed that after the two years she was
going back to take the program. We probably get engaged
after that, so she didn't even see it coming because
(30:14):
we were pushing things off. Because I think that's an
there's an instinct there, like even though this is the
perfect guy and you want to be engaged, it's like
closing off a chapter of your life.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
It's a major life moment, or.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
You want to have like all your ducks in a row.
Speaker 6 (30:26):
And I even said that as part of my speech
to my wife on the beach that day when I proposed.
Is I know we're not ready for this. I know
we don't have everything set up the way we wanted to,
but I don't care. So I think you kind of
got to. If you wait till everything's perfect, you're never
it's never going to happen. So I say, go for it,
get engaged, same, enjoy that part of your life.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Severate.
Speaker 3 (30:47):
Severate.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
If you all don't know, sever it is from severance.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Touching well, I mean it's basically compartmentalizing right off your work.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
If you're your work life where you go home. Yeah, correct,
Let yourself be happy with the man that you love. Yeah,
and don't let the man you don't love.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Dictate any other part of your life.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
Don't give them that power.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
A lot of power, a lot of power. We give
people so much power, and it's crazy, preach. No one
should have that amount of power over you. That's right,
only you, that's right, over yourself.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
That's right. Well, that's all for now. I saw someone
wrote on the scrubbing and Facebook group, Hey, I had
a dear bonniu question where do I write in? And
I said, let me announce it one more time. I'll
do it over and over again. Actually, if you have
a dear Bonnia that you want us to address, give
advice on acknowledge, et cetera, et cetera. You can DM
(31:47):
the scrubbing in Instagram, which is scrubbing in pod at
scrubbing in pod or you can email us at scrubbing
in at iHeartMedia dot com. We love you so much.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
We love you by
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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