#40 Flipping the Switch

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
We're starting the show. Hell h I Suck Good Dating
with Dean, Vanessa and Jared and I Heart Radio podcast.
Hello and welcome to an all new episode of Help
I Suck At Dating. My name is Jared. I'm joined
by Vanessa Vanessa. You out there. Vanessa is here nine Studio.

(00:23):
As you can tell, Vanessa is here to talk to us.
Dean is still traveling all around the world. I think
he's in France right now. I know, I'm pretty jealous.
I hope he's having a wonderful time, which he is.
But we have a very special guest in studio to
kick things off this episode. We have a relationship expert,
a best selling author of five acclaimed books, none other

(00:44):
than Charles J. Orlando. Thank you so much for joining
us today. No, thank you for having me. Yes so yeah, wow,
that was Yes, We're excited. We got balloons, we got horns,
were ready to go. So, Charles. You will also on
the Lifetime UH Lifetime channel show Seven Year Switch, That's
It Season three, Season three. Can you tell us a

(01:05):
little bit about that? Oh? Absolutely? So. Seven Years Switch
takes UH four couples that are in emotional turmoil and
helps them reach a better place, uh, through a radical
concept called switch therapy. They work with us, and they
end up working us being the experts, and they work
with a like minded person who's going through something similar.

(01:26):
We keep a very close eye on them and put
them on an accelerated path for two weeks where we
get them out of their bad patterns, remove all the
stuff that's causing them to head out a path towards
divorce or further disconnection, uh, and get them to a
better place, both individually and hopefully as a couple. So
what is switched therapy? Like you said, you use switch
therapy to fix this problem. So we work with the

(01:48):
with the couples as married couples, and then we switch
them for two weeks so that they can get a
better So you're smirking, and I'll help that. No, No, no,
I'm just smirking because I have a mind of a
twelve year old and you can imagine where I just went.
So well, everybody does, right, yes, And I'm sure that
vanause you're you're sitting over there thinking the same things
as well, and it's easy to go down that path

(02:09):
where it's like, oh, this is a show about hookups. Actually, no,
this is a show about perspective. You can't learn new
skills without a practice ground. So could these couples do
something stupid on national television television? Yes they could. That's
not the goal though. Seven years Well, it's a play
on seven year Itch, the movie starring Marilyn and Row

(02:31):
talking about the challenges that people experience once the honeymoons
has kind of faded away and now you're in what
many people would consider the humdrum of day to day. Uh,
it's it's a it's a challenge for most couples. It's
a challenge for everybody. Sure, So do find themselves up
to beget nominated by somebody? Or is actively throughout the

(02:51):
couples both. There's an extensive casting process along with psychological
evaluations and a real assessment of where they're at both
individu Julie and as a couple before they're admitted to
the show. So what in after how many years of marriage? Well,
so be more of I guess the problem? Well I can.

(03:14):
I can give you the statistics because there's no goal,
there's no hard and fast rule around when couples start
experiencing disconnection. Some people experience it on their first date,
yet they get married anyway. Um, statistically all marriages in
the domestic US uh and before year five, So there's
a divorce before year five divorce rate. I know this

(03:35):
isn't good news for you. Your your recently. I'm very
confident in my relationship. But you tell me that fifty
couples in the United States don't last five years. Yes,
and that's only half of the of the data. Of
those that make it five years, fifty percent of those
don't make it to year ten. That's a seventy divorce rate. Ah.
Let me just like the numbers on that one. My

(03:56):
parents are both My parents are divorce and they're both
in now loving long term committed relationships. Um, what do
you think is Well, I'm having trouble As we mentioned
last week, I'm really single again. Well it's not newly.
It was like k of dating, but now I'm like
completely single and I just find it hard to find
someone I can connect with on a deeper level, especially

(04:17):
now with this new like all the dating apps that
are out there, I'm not on any dating apps. It's
really hard for me to meet someone organically because I
find a lot of people are just hiding behind computer
screens in their phone. So what do you think is
one of the biggest issues now, um or the problems
that my divorce is so high? Well, you just kind
of called it out. From my perspective, there's there's two things,
and it's a fantastic question, and there's there's two main

(04:40):
things that are really changing how people meet and inter
relate from from jump. The first is technology. Uh. Technology
gives us the illusion of being connected when the truth
is that we're more distant than ever. Uh. Most relationships
have a technological aspect to it, where there's communication takes
place over email or text message or voicemail or there's

(05:02):
a lot on the phone. Uh. And that's a very
subjective way of relating to each other. I mean, if
you back up thirty or forty years, the divorce rates
weren't necessarily so high, disconnection wasn't so bad, and couples
like would speak in person like this, like we're in studio, right.
You have body language, you have facial uh, facial features
and emotions that you can go off of. All those

(05:24):
things are missing when you have a subjective piece of
technology that teaches you how to communicate. So that's the
first thing. The second, though, is what you're talking about
when we talk about online dating, uh, and that's false
positives and expectations being projected on somebody you actually don't know,
Like you read their profile and then that's not enough,
so you stalk their Instagram and you check them out

(05:45):
on Snapchat, like you build up an entire persona of
a person that you actually don't even know. Because you
know you're you're you're evaluating two different things when you're
when you're dating somebody or when you meet somebody. The
first is are we compatible? But the second is how
do they plug into my life? And those are two
things that are mutually exclusive and they're they're connected, but

(06:06):
they're but they're mutually exclusive. So, as a relationship expert,
how do you advise our listeners to best meet people nowadays? Well,
online dating can help you cast a wide net, but
the best way to meet somebody, in my estimation, is
to get out into the real world, which is harder.
You say, you say something on your Instagram that I
read last night that I absolutely loved. Where you said,
stop saying it's easier easier said than done. Just do

(06:29):
it then it will get easier over time, which I
completely agree with people like practice makes perfect. For example,
if you want to approach if you're a guy and
you want to approach girls at a bar, you have
to actually practice that by going up to girls at
a bar. And the first time you do it, you're
probably gonna suck at it, but over time it will
get easier because you keep doing it over and over

(06:50):
and over again. And when I read that quote on
your Instagram, I don't know, just something resonated with me. Well,
and I appreciate that, and it's true. We are experiential learners,
like there's no way to learn a new skill unless
you practice a new Like, so, did you take a
foreign language in school? Yes, and you were good right
out of the gate, right killed it. Obviously I can
speak fluid Spanish and French and Greek and Italian and everything,

(07:10):
of course. But so that's really what she's Canadian. It's
not fair that I I call nonsense than that. Um
but I called Shenanigans. That's not fair. But um no,
we're we're really talking about is to your point, practice
makes perfect. So you're not going to have a lot
of success, but that's at the beginning. But that's hard,

(07:31):
you know, to be that vulnerable and be that open
is really really difficult. So you're newly engaged. How long
have you guys been dating. I'm gonna put you on
the couch for a second. We've been dating for not
long a few months maybe, yeah, a few months, but
we've known each other for over three years. Okay, So
and so you have a nice foundation to to start from.
We have a great foundation, all right. So here's the

(07:52):
other part. So the third part. We were talking about expectations,
we were talking about false positives and technology. But the
third part is forgetting that people change over time. So
the woman that you love today has a foundation, okay,
and so do you as a man. But you guys
are going to change as individuals over the next ten,
thirty fifty years. And the way relationships work successfully is

(08:15):
when you change together. When you start drifting, you don't
check back in, and you're not connecting on a constant basis,
You by default are drifting apart. So you end up
on my show, and then you end up on our
show where we do the seven year switch. Um, so
my question is what would you what would you tell
these couples who do change over time and their love
also changes over time, and they start like, I've never

(08:37):
found that because love changes, that means your relationship is
getting worse, it's just becoming different. So how like, what
would you tell those people on how to make your
relationship better even though things change over time? Don't rest
on your laurels like love is a contract, okay, and
it has to be renewed every single day. And it
sounds trite, It sounds like some sorry that somebody would
put on on on Instagram like me, like you write that,

(09:01):
but that it's never been more true that you have
to reconnect every single day about the big stuff and
really about the little things they count the most. So
if you're piste off that they didn't put the tube
the cap back on the tube of toothpaste, you're not
supposed to hide that as a resentment that you don't
talk about. You're supposed to say, dude, you're killing me.

(09:24):
We just put it back. It takes two seconds. So
you'd say communication is probably the most important part, but
honesty right, because communication too often means two things. It first,
it means a postured view of what you what you're
giving them, like you don't I don't want to hurt
their feelings. It's not about hurting their feelings. Just put
it out straight. Okay, So that's the first thing. Second though,
is that for too many people, communication means to speak

(09:46):
and it doesn't it means to listen, also of course
without judgment. So if she says I just don't have
time in the morning, I don't care your jobs, then
put yourself in her shoes, like, well, how can we
work together to make this happen. Maybe there's a different
type of two space that doesn't require, you know, the
the top to go back on. You can just flip
it back instead. That's where we start problem solving instead

(10:07):
of no, put it back on. Now we're advocating who's
right and who's wrong, when the truth is that everybody's
right from their own point of view. So if you
get your ego out of the way, you all of
a sudden end up in a place where you're working
together instead of a part. Sometimes I find it difficult though,
while I'm being honest, sometimes I think my tone some
like things that bother me, For example, little things like
that if I'm being honest them about them, I feel

(10:29):
that my tone is is negative, which breathe like that
doesn't create an argument, but just creates an awkward vibe
in the air for the simple fact that it's annoying
and she knows it, and while we can fix it,
like how do I approach that? You would start by
saying what you just said, so you'll if if you're
experiencing yourself is like maybe coming across maybe crappy, ask

(10:50):
her like, are you hearing me as some kind of
jerk right now? And then she's supposed to say, yeah,
I really don't like the way you're talking to me,
and you're supposed to say, all right, hold on, let
me find a different way to phrase this, because I'm
not trying to sound like a like a jerk, like,
let me let me put it a different way. So
then now you're still working together through a disconnection. See. Look,
too many people think that the perfect relationship has no
fights and no arguments, and that is it is non sense.

(11:15):
I've seen my parents been married for thirty five years,
and I've seen so many arguments between them. But they
are the most loving and dependent people on each other
because they've gone through those arguments, because they've gone through
tough times and and still have overcome those obstacles together
and that's real love in my mind. Well, sure you're
talking about like disconnections are normal. What keeps your folks
together is how they repair because everybody's yeah, totally, Like

(11:39):
arguments are normal, you know. I mean, if you think
you've got an expert here sitting at the microphone that
doesn't screw up his own relationships, boy, you got the
wrong guy here. But it's it's how you put it together. Um,
I'm still all right now. So obviously I trying to
reevaluate the whole dating seed and all that, and I'm
thinking time to refocus on things that I know that
I did in my relationships and my past relationship us

(12:00):
that maybe we're not the healthiest and probably you know,
it didn't contribute in the most positive ways. Um, what
what what kind of advice would you give? Because right
now Jared is engaged and he's engaged to be married.
What kind of advice is to give to someone who
is single? Last week he had Patty stains from um
not to make her millionaire, and she was saying, how

(12:22):
the guys want women who aren't hungry, who aren't thirsty,
who don't want who don't give off that like I
want to get married and I want to have kids,
and you know who are more like easygoing type. I
am not that I'm not that I don't know where
I kind of fit right now, but I feel like
I don't get approached um in the way that I

(12:43):
kind of want to be approached or with the kind
of guys that I want to approach me. So I
have to be the hunter. I have to be the
go getter, and I have to be the one that
has to kind of do the chasting um. And so
when Dared was talking about practice makes Perfect and going
into bars and going up to women that no, I
don't think you're doing it wrong. I do think it

(13:05):
just as a comment, a brief comment. I think that
there's too many men today who don't know what to
do with equality in the world, where they they have
the notion of feminism mixed up with what it means
to be involved in a relationship and what primal courtship
rituals are all about, which strips away whatever equality is.
I'm because I'm a staunch advocate of feminism, but just

(13:28):
for the record, but courtship is still courtship. So you know,
the guys who are sitting listening this saying no, no, no,
no no. I'm the alpha male. They come to me,
no idiot, the alpha male goes after no. The definition
of what you say you are please, So say that
against the after mail. You're saying that people men are
self prom back. They are sitting back. But I also

(13:49):
don't think that it's anything wrong for nowadays for a
woman to approach a man because we are in changing
times and some managers shy and some men agree don't
know how to approach a woman because they just never
really been taught that because we of in a different age.
I totally agree. And that's the second half of this
when when you know, Vanessa, when you're asking, you know,
how do I do this? Am I doing the right things?
Should I be approaching these guys at bars? Definitely? But

(14:10):
then I would ask you what is your definition of love?
Because too many people they're looking for a relationship, they're
looking for love, and I would say, no, what you
want to look for is happiness. You want to look
for how do you feel about you when you're with
this person. From there, a relationship becomes normal, like don't
don't pre qualify yourself because the moment you say I

(14:32):
really want to be in a relationship. What you're actually
saying is I'm going to ignore all the red flags
and all the things that I don't like, and I'm
going to pretend that this is great because just I
just need a warm body next to me. And that's
not the way it runs, That's not the way it's
supposed to go, I think, um. And I was just
just talking about this with a fun of mine. In
the last five years, I feel like I've lived like

(14:52):
nine different lives and I thought at the age of
I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner. Although
seeing you know, the fundamental pap not change, but in
the way that I perceive a relationship and perceive my
own happiness, Um, but that has changed. And I think
oftentimes we tend to equate our happiness or how sad

(15:13):
or or you know, proud we are to the person
that we're with and if you wake up happy because
you make yourself happy. And I think that's where I'm
starting to work on and just being comfortable with myself
right well, happiness is into that. Happiness is definitely an
inside job, but it's also your definition of where you

(15:33):
want because too many people end up with a specific
plan of what they want from this person, and they
have this package involved. But sometimes Mr Wright doesn't come
in a two piece suit with a smooth line and
drink his hand. Sometimes he trips over his own words.
He spills his drink on your dress and says, well,
so sorry, like you know, my name is stupid and

(15:54):
I'm going to just disappear over here per minute. Um,
They're just real. So if you if you get out
of your own way and and start realizing that that
you're supposed to look for how you feel about you
with them instead of how they make you feel there,
that's two different things. I agree. I think all my
life i've been I've pictured the idea of who I
should be with and what they should be like. And Ashley,

(16:16):
my fiance, is the complete opposite of that. But I
love everything about her. It's so interesting because, like I said,
I've just always pictured myself with like a little you know,
white picket fence and like this small house in Rhode
Island with this very cute, shy girl that's like you know,
you know, sunflowers and rainbows, And I never envisioned myself

(16:36):
with somebody like Ashley, and yet I've never been happier
and she's the person that I am supposed to be with,
and so I totally agree with that, like, don't have
your blinders on, you know, be open to a lot
of different types of people. And I think also to
tap back into happiness, you have to be responsible for
your own happiness. I think people are forgetting that nowadays
because everybody gets a participation trophy. So they're like no, no, no, no, no, no,

(16:59):
Like I need assurance, I need support. I can't do
this on my own. It's like, well, sometimes you're gonna
have to. And while yes, love is a relationship, like, uh,
you know, marriage and relationships are are two people coming
together to become one. Having said that, you can't just
solely rely on that other person to bring you happiness. No, no,
you're you're right. So yeah, the people forget that when

(17:20):
you when you join a relationship. So you know this
is obviously broadcast, this is in television, so but I'll
give it to you here in the studio. You picture
two people with a hundred percent of their stuff together, okay,
and each person puts into the middle, and that makes
a hundred percent relationship, right, but it also keeps fifty
of themselves back, so you maintain your individuality. You put

(17:45):
in a hundred percent of your fifty. Okay, each person
puts in to make a relationship work at one, but
they also keep a lot back for themselves, like what like,
whatever you want to do? What interest to you that
that Ashley doesn't even care about? Of course? I think,
I think Will Smith said a response. Will Smith said

(18:06):
it once on for Valentine's Day, was saying how relationships
should be two individual people on their own individual path
and now and then their past will cross, but then
they will uncrossed and you you will still continue on
your own path. And I guess that's kind of like
the same analogy. Maybe, Um you're talking about where you're
putting in of that into the relationship, but you still

(18:29):
keep stunt to yourself. Yes, and you're supposed to do yeah. Well,
and it's and it's not about being secretive. It's not
about holding back from your relationship. What I'm saying is
what do you want? Don't tell me about your wife,
your girlfriend, your kids, your boss, your car, like any
of that stuff. What do you want from life? I
think some people don't like that because it takes like

(18:51):
the romantic side out of it out where it's like no, no, no,
you have to be more logical about going into your
relationship because you have to go of you into the
relationship and then it put I'm not saying it's wrong.
What I'm saying is that I think it's probably some
people are like, wow, that just it sounds too Disney
non Disney exactly. But that's what we were taught. I
guess that's what we've been taught to do at at

(19:12):
a young age. And I think that's why a lot
of relationships don't work out, our marriages don't work out,
because you kind of lose your own identity and you
want to And I think that was an issue that
I had to um. I wanted to always still whatever
my partner sold needed, and I was forgetting what my
knees and my my desires were, and then when the
relationship would end, also going back to being myself again.

(19:34):
So I think you know it's important to always have
always say I didn't I didn't use that fifty analogy.
I would always think too and follout sales. Then at
least they're starting back up from and you're not starting
back from Sara Charles, let me ask you a question.
Do you think it's important nowadays to be in a
committed relationship or a marriage. I think that's an individual decision.

(19:58):
I think that uh, commit it meant doesn't necessarily need
a marriage behind it. Marriage is a public, religious, and
way and or spiritual proclamation of love that already exists.
So if you're not in love and you're not connected,
no piece of paper, no ceremony, no gathering of friends
is going to make that real or more real. Um.
As for commitment, that's an individual decision. UM. I would

(20:20):
argue that primarily and sociologically were not meant for marriage
as a species. That's what kind of I'm going towards.
Because even while I'm hearing you talk about in but
make sure you get out. It's so curious that we
put such an emphasis on marriage and lifelong partners. And
when you take a step back, is it in our
nature to be with only one person for the rest

(20:40):
of our lives? From a human standpoint, the answers no. Sociologically,
the answers no. Um, it actually goes against our DNA.
We're supposed to procreate, sire children, perpetuate strong bloodlines. So
where this all come from. Well, if you back up
in history, well, partially UM marriage was usually UM it
was either religious in nature, but it was really also

(21:03):
mostly tied into political alignment. UM where you would stop wars,
aligned families, aligned countries. Uh. So these were largely arranged marriages,
which is a different show on on Lifetime right before us.
But the uh, it was really about connecting people together
for political or military reasons. Uh. It was also rooted

(21:25):
in patriarchy, So what you were actually doing was guaranteeing
sexual access by a man to an exclusive woman. That's
all that she was allowed to be with. So how
did it evolve? Now it's finding your soul mate? What
do you think happened? Well, I think there's a lot
of romance put behind it. I'm a firm believer in
so I can give you the reality of history and

(21:45):
all of that, but I'm a firm believer in love
at first sight and soulmates and connection. You know, if
I mean, I can quote Karl saying here right like,
if we're all star stuff and we're all made of
the same thing that's floating through the cosmos, then we
are all connected anyway. So If that's true, then you know,
pieces of us are running around this room, and all
the listeners that are that are here, and we're all

(22:07):
connected in some way. So I can add the romance
back into this really quickly. But it doesn't It won't
matter if you you add a bunch of of stuff
to it that has to be achieved with all the
expectations like connection is really natural. You know, this conversation
has been really fluid the whole time we've been in
it because we're all comfortable all sitting here. You guys

(22:28):
didn't know me before I sat down, not at all.
But we're all connected now and we're all talking and
being honest and open. Except for seven years, which which
I do watch. Well, those those people have some challenges
that they have to it's a very interesting show. Well,
so what what do you find interesting about it? The
fact that it's like the fact that people get in
such a rut sometimes that they feel in the need

(22:48):
to change their entire life to a certain extent where
I need to put myself in somebody else's shoe to
realize what I have and what I should be grateful for,
what I need in life. That's so I would never
argue with your perception and I agree with it. The
other side of it, from the from the expert standpoint,
is that we're removing all the bad patterns that got

(23:09):
them to that point in anyway, um, right now, So
if you think about traditional couples therapy, you spend you know,
sixty minutes with an expert to try to learn new things.
Then you go home and you spend six days and
twenty three hours reinforcing all the negative crap that you're
trying to undo. We get you out of that pattern,
and we pull you out for two weeks, and we

(23:30):
partner you with somebody as a as a training ground
to learn new skills and new communication tactics. So how
do you how do you get them out of that pattern?
And and it's for them that pattern. Well, that's the
amazing part of human dynamics when you know when you're
partnered with the same person for a long time. You've
known your fiance for three years. If I were to

(23:52):
live under your bed for a week and listen to
the interaction between the two of you, I'd have a
sense of yeah, that that analogy and really go well,
but let's but you know, it's it's when you get
to know really the inner workings of a relationship, how
you inter relate um, and those dynamics are really baked
in because you're out of dating mode. You may be

(24:14):
in romance and engagement mode, but you guys know each
other pretty well. And that's what these couples are experiencing,
like they know each other really well. I know that
if I say I don't understand you've hurt my feelings,
what he will say back to me is, yeah, well
I gotta go to work, So I don't really care
like I gotta go. You know, you always have your
feelings hurt, but we take them out of that and
we put them with someone new where you would never

(24:36):
say that to a total stranger, just to your spouse, right,
the person you love them most. We get them back
to basics with how to communicate with people, and we
get to rejuvenate and redo their dynamics as a couple
by giving them a safe training ground and a brand
new perspective. So it's both right. They get this training
ground for new communication techniques and they get the perspective

(24:56):
of yees. So if you keep going down this path
with your spouse, your I will be without them and
this is how that feels. I love that because I
I've always believed that relationships and marriage that you have
to put effort and work into it. And the idea
of going back to basics kind of relearn each other
a little bit to really work on one another is
very important. I love that concept. Well, it's working on
one another for sure, and it's also working on themselves

(25:17):
individual That's what I meant, like, not only working on
each other, but working on yourself to make sure that
you're a better partner exactly. And we all have work
to do, including me. You know, I'm still working on stuff,
and that's very important for everybody is self aware to
the fact that yes, there are things that like for
me personally, that I need to do better within my
relationship to make Ashley happier and to make myself happier

(25:38):
and to make us a better couple. But before you go,
I do I have to touch on this because it's
such a fascinating story. You went undercover on a website
called Ashley Madison dot com, which is notoriously known for
cheating husbands who go on there and hook up with
women on the internet. Right I was on there before

(25:59):
the bots were were on there trying to get people
to get and all of that wasn't there, like a
year ago, something that happened with this website. There was
like a lot of NATA. I was a part of
that data breach. Did your name come out? Oh yeah,
I'm on the dark web. Holy yeah, Well you went undercover.
I did so, but I used my real a fake name,
but a real email address so that I could interact.

(26:20):
So what what's this idea? How did you even why
did you do this? Well, I'm really brave or I'm
really stupid, probably both, I don't know, if I think
side now, you seem like a very intelligent man. Not
this time, um, and anybody who puts their relationship on
the line to to investigate this way, not in order
to save their relationship like on seven year switch, but

(26:41):
to to test the waters and see why people do things.
I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't do it again,
but it was a fascinating exploration. So the long story short, um,
is that I went undercover. I created three different personas. Uh,
And what I was really trying to come up with
I had a high pothesis of why women end up

(27:02):
upset in their relationships and why they choose to cheat
instead of leave. But I wanted to get some real
world fact on it. So uh. And this was with
my wife's knowledge, Like you know, I didn't go undercover
without telling her, um or really stupid as we said.
So um, but I ended up in over thirty chat
sessions that ended up super dicey like, and I wrote

(27:24):
about it in the article like you can picture. This
article was optioned for film, by the way, hopefully. Um.
But you know, I'm sitting on the couch as my
daughters at the table doing her homework. My son's playing
the PlayStation pushing his his controller at me, saying play
doubles with me, as I'm talking to some lady about
how she wants to go down on me later that night. Right,

(27:46):
surreal experience. So I took thirty online sessions and parlayed
that into three in person dates. And I gotta tell you,
like you know, yeah, you put yourself in harm's way
and you find harm right, Like I didn't cheat, but
I really wanted to. And yeah, your wife was aware,
like you we talked on we talked all about it. Um,

(28:10):
but I'm guessing like this website asking Madison is kind
of like Instagram and Facebook, like it's so accessible to
be doing those things online and behind someone's back. Well,
it's accessible, No, you don't. I mean, Ashley Madison just
makes a business out of it. You can do it anywhere. Um,
and that's what to your point, Like, it's so accessible anywhere,

(28:31):
you can do this anywhere. Uh, And it's it's so
you know, Temptation used to be like you go out
with the boys, you have a couple of drinks, you
end up with this, you know, hot lady at the
end of the bar. That's tempting. Now you just fire
up your mobile phone and it's and it's all in
front of your face. That's the thing. You just scroll
through Instagram and it's all right there. Yeah, it's and

(28:51):
it's bad. It is really bad. Yeah. You feel like
this put a strain on your little experiment, put a
strain on your marriage absolutely. Um. Yeah, it brought out
cracks that we didn't know where we're even there. But
I bet it's made you stronger since then, because I
think people forget to somebody like yourself who's doing investigating work.
In journalism, you have to get to the nitty gritty

(29:12):
of it, and you have to like put yourself into
that experience and really find out what the hell is
going on, because it's so easy for someone like myself
to talk from a third person's perspective and be like,
oh that's good, this is bad, blah blah blah. But
you were like, no, I'm actually diving into this with
everybody's knowledge and like finding out what it's like firsthand,
so I can relate at a at a better level.

(29:33):
At a better level, definitely. Um, I don't know if
it made my marriage more successful. No, but like you said,
like I mean, maybe you maybe there's cracks there. But
having said that, like you said earlier, fighting is not
the worst, like sometimes you need that. Like you said,
there's no there's no such thing as a perfect relationship,
and the idea that like, oh we never fight or

(29:53):
nothing's ever wrong is a disney fabricated story, no doubt.
It's how you repair for sure, how you communicate, come
back to other than to prepare. But I would not
recommend anybody doing what I did ever at any time.
Should I repeat that again? Yeah, don't. If you're listening
to this, you know you can sit back and go wow,
and then you can say, Wow, he's so stupid and
then don't do it. Well. I gotta tell you, Charles,

(30:15):
you are pretty impressive. I must say that people have
called you the Carrie Bradshaw meets Hitch, which might be
the best compliment I've ever heard in my entire life. Yeah,
that I would have to agree that was It was
amazing to be Uh. And you've written five books. I have,
but I love the name of all of them. Uh,
don't dated dick. Uh. The problem with women is Men

(30:39):
Volumes one and to love it. Um. So definitely, Charles,
thank you so much for coming in. I couldn't get
enough of you. Please everybody check out UM your show
on Lifetime. It's in its third season seven year switch.
What day and time is Tuesday nights ten pm Local Time,
nine pm Eastern sorry Central, nine pm Central. Uh and

(31:00):
episode two we've just launched, so we're you know, we're
at the beginning of the season. But you can binge
it on Hulu and on and on iTunes. Oh, it's
on who and iTunes and on at my lifetime dot
com for the website for those who don't want to pay. Okay,
very cool. Tuesday nights ten o'clock. Um, but you can
always stream it on Hulu. Um. Charles, thank you so
much coming in. Anything you want to say before you

(31:20):
get out of here? No, thanks for thanks for having me.
I mean, I guess the only thing I would add
if if you're gonna allow me to close things a
little bit, is that if you have a dating profile,
the first thing you should put on there is I
demand the very best from people, period. I like that.
I demand the very best from people, including yourself. But
I was just going to say atamount including myself. God,

(31:43):
I love that. Charles, thank you so much for coming in.
Where can everybody find you on social media? My social handle,
my website are all the same, Charles J Orlando. That's
dot com, Snapchat, Pinterest, Instagram, or you can join a
million and a half people on Facebook and get free
advice there as well. Awesome, thanks coming in. Thanks you guys. Oh,
thank you a big thank you to Charles all Endo.
God what an interesting guy, super interesting. Uh yeah, awesome,

(32:08):
awesome expert on seven year switch. Pretty cool, pretty cool guy.
I like him a lot. But you know what's also
is really cool, Vanessa. You know what's super cool. Probably
know what you're going to talk about you know, it's
really cool. It's healthy hair and it's very important. Why
is healthy hair importing to you? Vanessa? I mean I
feel like that's the first thing people notice right there,
you talk about your hair. I'm like always going for
e a haircut or going to talk to my hair stylist,

(32:30):
Scott believe it or not, my delivery for come roll
Jummy Bears. Yeah, she good bear hair Baby. I love
them so much. I've been probably talking about them on
social media and using them for about a year now.
And if you can figure any celebrity with amazing Harry,
you can bet that they have a style of compvement

(32:52):
onto circu bear hair. Sared, I want to ask you, um,
what is your first Did you ever try them as
sirguar bear hair? Yeah? Of course you don't like I
steal them from Ashley. What do you do your mind?
That taste so good? I can only eat. You can't
eat more than two a day though, So it's a
little bit of a tease. But it's really hard. I
tell you, gotta really can kill yourself. But I understand
it's it's more for the hair than it is the taste.
It's more for the hair for your nail growth as well,

(33:14):
and ever since I've been using it. We're supposed to
take two days or great for all hair types, all
sender UM and it's supposed to make your hair shinier
and thicker. And my hair has been so luss as lately,
and people have been asking me what I've been doing, UM,
and I've been using the Circupar haircutties UM. And they
are a bestseller on Amazon with thousands of rave reviews.
They taste like three delicious candy made with subduce of
real ferries, but they can't pain everything you need for

(33:36):
stronger and it helps your hair. And as a teacher,
I love this UM. This bit of information. I'm about
to give you guys as much vitamin and four customs roccoli,
as much vitamin as one cup of cranberries, and as
much vitamin each twelve as four organic eggs. I love them.
I use them every day, twice to day, once in
the morning, once in the evening. I just got my
new supply nutrients and Ciguar bear hair fans, but also

(33:58):
found their nails and skin quality and over time, and
I could attested that too. I'm pretty sure that they
just changed the slogan from an apple to day keeps
the Doctor Away, to to to sugar Bear Hair A
day keeps the Doctor Away. You know what I'm saying.
So listen, guys, this is what you're going to do.
For all our followers out there that wants sugar Bear hair.
You just go to sugar Bear Hair dot com slash help.

(34:18):
That's h E l P help for beautiful hair and
a healthier you. That sugar Bear Hair dot Com slash help. Um, guys,
go check it out today for healthier hair, just like Vanessa.
So Vanessa, what's new in your life north of the border?
North of the border in good old Canada. Um? Not much.

(34:40):
I mean, as you guys know, I've been moving in
Spaniel apartment. I haven't had any furniture today. Actually I'm
getting my couch to find my dining room table. Really exciting.
Those are my updates and nothing else really going on.
I was actually blored I with my sister and my
nephew and so that was fun. Um. I still don't
get away because you need to recharge your batteries and

(35:02):
just step away. So I did that for a little
bit and now I'm back home. I mean there's not.
Actually this is just the last festival putting them on
trial this week, which is the biggest comedy festival in
the world. Um. John Mayor is actually doing about what's
slow dancing combined with Dave Chappelle. That's amazing. It's like
my dream come true. So excited so that those are
my date? What's the wre with you? Are you guys?

(35:23):
Plenty your wedding? We're trying to so we're getting there.
So we actually put a rough draft in two weeks
ago for our first guest list, so we just yeah,
we're trying to we kind of needy, uh, Vanessa, of
course you're invited, Um, but we just kind of put
a list out there of you know, everybody we could
possibly think of who want to invite the wedding, and
then we're gonna try to narrow it down from there.

(35:44):
So you know, we're starting off with like, you know
names really Um no, no, I've teasing, come on now,
you think I honestly, we're just well listen as Italian, right, yeah,
her dad's Sicilian oct she's really Italian very time kind
of sounds that sounds normal to me. That's why I'm like, Okay,
that's so now we're just kind of funny guest list together,

(36:05):
trying to figure out who we're going to invite to
the wedding. But we talked to a wedding plater and
his advice Will was put everybody unless you could possibly
think of, and then narrowed down from there, and so
that's what exactly what we did. It was kind of
fun to just be like, you know, who are we
going to invite? Who like your cousins, Maya pah blah
blah blah blah. And then it was also the cost
part was thinking about Bachelor people, like thinking about exactly

(36:27):
not only you know, cast members, but production and so
it was cool like putting our you know, putting those
names together and be like, who's going to come to
our wedding? Who are we inviting? Uh to be determined,
we'll see what the most important thing for myself is
to make sure that Ashley has the best wedding that
she's ever dreamed of. So whether that's on camera or

(36:49):
if camera doesn't really matter, as long as it's the
best possible wedding that she's always dreamed of, Because it's
important to me to have obviously a great wedding. But
I know Ashley obviously very well, and I know that
Ashley has been dreaming of this day since the days
she came out of the womb, So like, I want
to make sure Billa or the show. Yeah, well, she

(37:10):
watches Bridezilla. She watches Um Say Yes to the Dress,
which I watched now too, you know, uh yeah, if
I'm on the couch and the TVs on, I don't
really have control. Um, so she's she's always watched those,
so so I know she's super excited. So we're trying
to just put that together for well, let's talk about
bachelor and parties. I know, well now I'm trying to

(37:30):
figure out bachelor and bachelorette party. So the cool thing
is for actually, I know that her bachelor party is
gonna be super low key. She doesn't even like going
out on the weekends, let alone like throwing this huge rangers.
So I know she wants to like just rent a house,
have some girlfriends over, like for a night or two,
and just you know, do whatever they used to do
back in their teenage years, like have sleepovers and their pajamas,

(37:53):
watch chick flicks, drink wine. That's going to be her
bachelorette party, which is probably gonna be no. Well, I
mean she can have of as if she wants. I
don't think she wants strippers, but her sister might get
one for fun. Um. But for me, I kind of
want to do the same thing. I've always been pretty
low key, and so I guess funny as it would
be to go to Vegas with a lot of my friends,
Like I'm so much more low key where I just

(38:15):
kind of want to hang in, drink, watch movies, like
have honestly like a cookout. That would be my ideal
bachelor party where it's just like eight to ten of
my closest friends were in the backyard, were drinking beer.
We're playing bags or cornhole as you people call it
over here. It's bags. Okay, that's the bags. Bags, it's
the Yeah, it's east. It's totally bags, everybody. It's cornhole.

(38:36):
That's the game. Some pop and play some bags crack open,
some pop maybe just no but light um crapping is
a pop you know, play some bags, have a good time.
We'll have the Patriots playing in the background. Would be
a great time. Um. So that's kind of like my
ideal bachelor party. But we'll see. I'm still playing that
like I'm trying to figure out who's in the bachelor party,
who's not on the bachelor party, and then like the
good thing is, though I think Ashley said she has

(38:57):
like ten people in her bachelortte party. Randow, that's just
like in the bridal party, the bridle party. Excuse me, yes,
bridal party. That is a lot. But the good thing
is I don't have to match that because I was
actually recent on the wedding where the grunsman was seven
or eight people and then the bridle party was like ten,
so oh I had I had a girl on each arm,

(39:22):
So yeah, there we felt pretty cool. I'm not gonna
lie about that one. So we'll see. Just like it's
so early on though, people are like, when's the date?
Have you guys planning? We're like, we don't even know.
And then they're like, is it going to be a
TV wedding? You don't have a date. No, we don't
have a date. And I get it. We're right now
we're saying next summer, but we don't have like we're
not saying it's July. We we don't know the exact

(39:44):
date of when it's going to happen, which is actually
a little concerning because we still need to find a venue,
which apparently books up like what sounds like fifteen years
in advance. It's unbelievable. Remember inspect if you want something
super popular. Um, so okay, So we're not sut this televised.
We're not sure when you're gonna get married, but what

(40:05):
we're sure about is that Ashley and I want to
spend the rest of our lives together, and we're gonna
get married at some point next year. I have a question,
are you guys living together? No, not yet, so we're
probably going to start. I mean I spend every night
over there, so it doesn't I guess, yeah, we're technically
we're not living together, but we pretty much are. So
we were originally thinking November when I move in, because

(40:26):
actually just recently moved into a three bedroom and it's
still getting put together, and I don't want to move
in halfway through her little apartment project. Oh trust me,
and it's it's a hassle. I'm going through it now.
And half of my deliveries are not spending in the
proper deliveries or my marrors are coming in cracked or yeah,

(40:47):
it's a hassle to add another hassle of myself to
that situation. I find myself pretty easy to live with.
I'm not gonna lie about that one. But I also
don't want to invade her space while like, you know,
there's boxes everywhere, and there's still pictures need to be
hanging up in shelves, and while I'm hanging it up, like,
I want to make sure that her apartment is set
ready to go. And it's like, okay, now I feel

(41:09):
okay or excuse me, now Ashley would feel okay for
me to move in. But the thing is, now we've
been talking, I might move in earlier because I pretty
much lived there as it is. I don't like sleeping
in a bed without Ashley, and neither does she, and
so it doesn't really make sense for me not to
move in sooner. So probably realistically August or September, within

(41:29):
the next month or so, i'd probably live been. Ok Wait,
maybe this shouldn't be ask you this, Are you still
where you were before? Yeah? Living with Nick? That's so weird.
I know, I do a podcast with Vanessa and I
live with Nick. Go figure if you had asked me
that a year ago. It's been like you're outside your mind,
that's never gonna happen, and yet here we are. I know,

(41:51):
but you guys are so But you guys are so
mature about everything, Like I've never you've never said anything
uh uh awkward. Uh, Like you've never brought an awkwardness
to the idea that I'm I'm good friends with Nick
and you're doing a podcast with me. And Nick has
never brought any type of awkwardness to me about being
good friends with him, but doing a podcast with you.

(42:11):
You guys are both very mature about the entire situation,
very understanding of how this business goes, specifically how the
Bachelor franchise goes, where you're just friends with constant your X,
like like I mean, I just gotta you know, like
I'm friends with uh you know. For example, um Wells.
Wells is a friend of mine and he made out
with Ashley, and I just got to accept the fact

(42:32):
that that happened, and like I got to move past it.
Mm hmm. It's a it's a very weird, weird world
and complicated world we live in. But um, now we're
I'm very fortunate to um to still have that you know,
Nick and I still have a level of respect for
each other. And I always find that important when you
end a relationship to still remember the good times that
you had. Um And yeah, I mean it wasn't her.

(42:56):
I I wanted to make sure it wasn't awkward for anyone.
And now that I'm that, I'm glad we're at the
point we are right now. Well, speaking of Bachelor, did
you don't You didn't watch the episode last night? Did you?
I didn't back home from Florida. Maybe you can feel me.
I will feel you in very quickly. It was down
to three. It was Fantasy Sweet weeks uh, the final
three Garrett, Blake, and Jason. Jason is the one who

(43:20):
went home. She sent him home before the Fantasy Sweet Um.
But what happened was he like the drama came in
because Jason left. She sent him home because she said
that she was in love with Blake and Garrett, but
only falling in love with him wasn't there yet, so
she had to send him home because the feelings weren't
a strong and so he came back at the end

(43:41):
for more clarity. And the problem becomes I find that
sometimes with a lot of these contestants, which is understandable.
There's just no clarity in the Bachelor franchise. The idea
of coming back and asking for more. It's something I
guess I can relate to. But having said that, is
also so difficult because unlike the real world and not
the real world, the Bachelor's real world, but unlike you know,

(44:01):
the Bachelor bubble, Like if you're out in the real world,
you can just like it fades away with time, where yeah,
on the Bachelor, it's just like this is the way
it works, like it's over. I'm sorry. I have two
more relationships that have further feelings than I do with you.
So like with Fantasy Street week, Vanessa, because you went

(44:22):
through this, I did not. I was I was fourth,
I was cut the week before. What was your experience
going with Fantasy this week knowing that like Nick was
going to be, you know, spending overnights with not only
yourself but two other women. It's I honestly, sometimes I
think that I look back and I'm like, did I
do the show? I don't know if you feel like
like this, but it feels like it's been so long
ago and it's such as it's once you're in it,

(44:45):
and once they're filming, a week feels like a month,
and like that data feels like weeks. So I kind
of just went into it knowing I really want to
spend that a long time with him camera's off, just
getting to hear each other's personalities and just like me,
you know, Nick, I can talk for days, So we
really spoke the entire night. But that's respectas a season

(45:06):
before I got cut off. I have to respect the
leaves that do that and know that if they do
not have the strong as strong feelings for a person,
that they're not going to bring them into um, something
as big as Fantasy Sweet. Absolutely. I think if she
knew before the Fantasy Suite that Jason was not the guy,

(45:29):
you absolutely let him go before the Fantasy Suite, just
like she did with Colton last week. She knew it
wasn't Colton, and she wanted to let him go as
soon as she figured out that it wasn't going to
be him at the end of this thing, and so
just leaves Garrett and Blake. Um, so, who do you
think it's gonna win? Garrett? I think I think I
don't know, because who fun Garrett or Blake. They're really

(45:52):
neither one of them is funny. The problem with like,
I like Blake, he seems like an r I do,
but man, he is so obsessed with Becca. It's getting
to the point of creepiness a little bit. Like. I
don't think Blake is obsessed with Becca because she's the bachelory.
I truly think that he just digs her for who
she is. Having said that, Blake kind of reminds me.
It is beautiful, but it's a little much. Blake reminds

(46:14):
me of the guy who would the guy that falls
hard very fast, like after one day, is like, I'm
in love with you and I'm going to spend the
rest of my life with you. He's like late twenties.
I think he's kind of younger. He seems like Garrett.
I think is in his earlier Garrett is right around
the same age. Thinking about Garrett, Garrett has been married
once before. He had a marriage for two months. Oh,

(46:43):
I'm sorry, what was the marriage or is he was
he still considered divorce. No, No, he got married so
he was with her for three years. I think they
got married. The marriage lasted for two months before they
got divorced. The divorce is finalized, has happened like two
years ago or something like that. That's pretty much garrett
storyline on there. So like, I think that I don't

(47:03):
really know. I don't if I'm being honest, I don't
feel it as much with Garrett and Becca as I
do with Becca and Blake. So I think that she
should put I I think it should be Blake. I
think that, like, while he is a little obsessive and
in his own head a little bit, but I think
that their connection is stronger than what she has with Garrett.

(47:24):
That's what I think it comes down with. So let's
figure out who Becca picks, whether it be Blake, whether
it be Garrett. That's all gonna be very dramatic, as
Chris Harrison would say, the most dramatic season in Bachelor history.
But speaking of drama, we have are wonderful, are amazing.
Our co host who's traveling all around the world on
the line, Dean Dean, are you out there? What do
you mean speaking of drama? I knew you'd love that.

(47:49):
Do I come along with dramathing? Dude? If you watch
Bachelor Paradise last year, come on now, you were the
center for all of it. Not a bad thing. You
were just like the storyline. I didn't Harris. Currently, you
guys should go look at my latest Instagram post. I
have a special friend visiting me in Paris. Actually as well,
really I saw, I saw the drone. The drone action
looked well freaking amazing. Oh thanks, Well, I was a Greece.

(48:13):
But you guys remember well Vanester knows Alex. Alex forty
for my season is in Paris. I have to and uh,
we're roomies for the next couple of days. I will
give him up to you. I've given him quite a
few ones actually so far, but its evolve been for me,
not for you. Did he come visit you because he
knew you were out there, or did he just randomly
run into you. He was in Russia with his family,

(48:37):
and France is kind of on the way back to
the US as to travel in west, so I decided
to stop over him and his brother and we're all
hanging out. And what's great, which which I've am very
thankful for, is I'm gonna be able to put him
off on a bunch of Parisians and send him on
some days for some constant figure figure out one's like
for an American American up to dating and France. I

(49:00):
think that's what all the listeners are interested to know. Obviously,
everybody wants to know what dating international is like. Speaking
of that, have you been on any dates in the
past week? How have I been on any dates in
the past week? I have not so since the last book,
I think I was in Cool and Poor last I
went to Singapore, and then I went to Greece, and
then I got to Paris this morning or late last night. UM,

(49:22):
and gree Paris is the city of love. I saw
a lot more time here, so you know, maybe I'll
go on a date one here tbd UM. But the
funny thing is someone I was in Greece, at least
the area that I was doing it was kind of
like a more like a party area. I met up
with three of my friends who happened to be saying
that as well. UM, and they were going on dates

(49:44):
weston right, which was kind of weird and good for
me at the same time because it kind of gade
me some time to explore the island and why it's
done a little bit. But UM, grace is interesting. I
don't know if you guys have ever didn't degree, but
that we were going was which like mos of tree
and it was like a huge party scene. So it
was like a bunch of you know, twenty year old

(50:05):
just partying the whole time. And they were, like I said,
they were going, they left and right. It was actually
kind of mind blood and there were very many Greeks
they were being we think, but it wasn't that they
were getting any Greek women, I guess because um, that's
typically not where they would go to parties, but a
lot of international So my friend that I was with, uh,

(50:27):
they like met like what we're really to keep something
I called the Adian or something, and I don't know.
It's always interesting traveling in and actually the places like
that where it's kind of like an international hot spot
for people to meet them just kind of party and
drinking all that kind of stuff. Um. So I mean
I'm fat because I want obviously like a while I'm
on this adventure, I want to be able to yeah
they're dating and tell and share with you guys. But

(50:49):
I'm kind of uh dork when it comes to day
and I can't only want to go on date, especially
traveling and actually you know, like what if you end
up liking him one and then you have to come
back to America, Like, what do you do that? You
do long distance? You know, it would make no sense
team for you exactly, especially are like Albanion or something,

(51:10):
and you never I mean a long distance regardless of
it you are, like if you're in uh, California to
New York, it's hard enough. And then you go obviously
this thing, yeah, but remember, like you going on dates
is not for yourself, it's for our own entertainment. So
you're doing it for us. Three times on the beast

(51:31):
of that faradyfe and win the games. I've already sated
for you. All right, that's fair assessment. So what's your
favorite thing you've done in France so far? Um? Well,
I said, we haven't been here very long. We've climbed
the top of the Eiffel Power today. How is that
is a bad asshole? It was pretty bad, as I
would like. Obviously, it would be nice to be imparissed
with a girl friend or a significant other. You d now,

(51:57):
dude like he doesn't have seventeen girls lining into his
DM every minute? Oh well, yeah, I mean that's all fine, dame,
But what about and so while there are a lot
of There are a lot of single ladies over in France.
They have you like kind of been uh you know,
chit chat at all, not dates, but just like casual.
I will, I will say the friends women they're beautiful. Um.

(52:18):
I on my flight out here. Um, so Alex and
his brother got into this morning and like I said,
I got in late yesterday. Um. And actually I was
on the same flight at my buddy that I was
in three slates and so we liked out for a
couple of drinks and I came to bed pretty early,
like come thirty year eleven. But I mean, the French
women are beautiful. I I never really expected to. I
mean I was not expecting it, but um, everywhere and

(52:41):
it was like a young they're very what looking natural,
like just natural, like not a lot of makeup, yeah,
like not in hand or you know, like they don't
wear lots of makeup in Europe. Why do I feel
that French women don't shave their arm pits? Is that
like a falacy? Maybe that's what I can do, Joe.
It was a trend at one point. Is it still

(53:03):
a trend or did it end? I don't know. I
guess we'll have to find that for us. Yeah, Dean,
just go to a nice little French lady and be like,
uh scoozy, Uh would you mind lifting your arm for
me for a quick second. No, I'm minding to act.
It's gonna go up to random women and checking. You
know what's so funny about that. I guarantee those women
will allow you to do that. Dean has this way

(53:24):
where he can be I swear to God, Dean, It's unbelievable.
How you just don't you have this natural charm about
you where I'm pretty sure, like, for example, I'm a dude,
I'm I'm a guy, and I would let you if
you went over and I was like, hey, can you
lift your arm and be like yeah, sure, okay, Like yeah,
do you like it? It's pretty good. I think that's

(53:46):
it definitely does kind of go a long way traveling,
especially by yourself, not necessarily like that, but just like, uh,
I don't know if person ability because I wouldn't never
um being respectful nannacle. When you travel, it definitely helps
like meet people and like to carry on conversations that
maybe otherwise wouldn't necessarily happen. But so traveling by yourself.

(54:09):
What's the like one of the few things that you've
learned about yourself that you probably maybe changed you. Um,
I don't know if I don't think anything hasn't necessarily
changed me, but I will say I think we discussed
this a little bit last week. Is Um, the more
time I spend a loan, the more I like to
begin to revert to like the thoughts, like the thought

(54:31):
settings that I had when I was younger, because like
I think I've talked about this on the podcast before,
Like I was kind of always like a nerd and
a loner up until like maybe fifteen or sixteen, and
I always I always had like this is not like
weird thoughts, but like different ways of thinking. And then um,
after from sixteen until I was six, however old I am,
there was it was like you kind of think more

(54:55):
different when you're in social settings and you're trying to
buy your friends all the time, right, And if you
never really take this time to beat by yourself, you
never allow yourself to have your own, like original thoughts.
And it's not like I mean obviously there anything profound
anything like that, but it's still really interesting to see
the difference of how my regular life un back to
myfcandelas I'm around my friend's point for seven and then

(55:15):
like here, obviously I'm a lot to see by myself
a little bit more and thin just kind of um,
I don't know, unfold a little bit differently inside my
hud and I don't know. It's just interesting. It's not
necessarily I've found myself in any kind of BLI sort
of way. It's just a different, uh guess experience, you know,
totally it makes sense. Are you still writing? Um? I am.
I haven't quitted much, just because I've been up with

(55:37):
friends for the fact, maybe like a week or so. Um,
and I kind of kind of kicking myself to that
a little bit as well. Um, I plan on still
another two weeks left, so I plan on doing that
a little bit more. Well. The reason I asked the
reason I asked to someone actually on the Help I Suck,
a dating podcast Facebook group wrote on July nineteen, said

(55:58):
just listen to the pot a vague. Remember some psychic
guy coming on some months ago telling Dean he should
get into writing, but Dean didn't seem too interested. Fast
forward months later and he's, you know, waking up at
three in the morning writing his life away. So was
that true to it? To remember? Uh, Campbell's name was
Domin Dominic or something like that. He came on he

(56:19):
told me that I kind of like got that as
a god. Now that's never meet me. I'm not a
writer by any means. Uh, Like I obviously still am not.
But it's just interesting to you know, put words onto
paper or last top or whatever it is. Um, it's
just like it's interesting to kind of chronicles, like you're journaling, right,
Like I've never really a journal before, but kind of

(56:41):
comical things that we're going on inside your head. It's interesting.
It's like the weird way of um. But it has
a perspective because yeah, very therapeutic, Like it just has
a perspective things. But I need keep doing that. I
definitely like I like, well, got down on my phone
every once in a while and I was kind of
bad of like things that I want to put down
and actually write about it and it stand further. So

(57:03):
it's just a matter of like taking the time to
sit down and kind of explore this idea and that
kind of stuff. Well, it's likeic name was Reginald Lewis. Yeah,
he was in studio, wasn't he Yes, he made the
vibes in the aromas like everybody had a different color.
Oh he's an old color reader, an or color reader. Yes,

(57:25):
wow he had you pinpointed Dean. Holy was the w
um You were there as well? I was there. I
he said it was. It was like it was focused
on Dean though it is right around like a couple
of months ago. Um, Dan was going through some stuff
and and and so it was a lot about Dean.

(57:45):
He just said about me that like I had like
an orange I think creativity color on me, which is
very nice. Um, but that's so your yours is red.
Maybe my mind was yellow. Then I don't my minus
blue or something, So what does that mean? I don't
remember what blue means. But I remember her saying that
I was very empathetic and that because I have to

(58:09):
be very receptive to some energies, I can somehow, you know,
so sad. Sometimes if I'm around someone who's like not
feeling well, I can absorb their energies and I need
to learn how to, um, you know, still be ampathetic
towards those people. Let's be able to understand why I'm
feeling certain ways. And how it can be because of
other people's energies around me. Blah blah blah. But she

(58:31):
was so spot on about so much stuff. And I
think at one point to the same person on Instagram, Um,
she didn't for reading on reason and her boyfriend and
she was really spot on with them too when we
were talking about that. Um, it's really interesting. Yeah, that's
super interesting. I mean, Reginald Man, he nailed They're on
the head. So Deane, you gotta keep writing. Still at

(58:53):
a little distical of all that kind of stuff. It's
kind of like, uh sort of things maybe to a degree.
I mean I'm skeptical too, but he did call it
with you and writing, that's very interesting. So you gotta
keep writing and let us know how it's gone. Well,
I'll keep writing, Yeah, I mean every single bit. Dodd No.

(59:16):
But I repierced my ear today. I saw that. When
I was in fifth grade, my aunt came to visit
who lived in New Jersey. I was ten, and he's like,
you have to get your ear piers and so I
was like, okay, Monny, I'll get my ear serious like sure,
and I got a pierced. I had a little bearing
in this for a while, and then they closed, and

(59:39):
then when I was like seventeen, I got it repierced,
but in a different bottom my ears. So I've always
had two holes on my left ears, but I've never
really had two earlings in there at the same time
until I was like walking around Paris by myself today.
I was like, I'm gonna repierce that second hole and
just kind of see what happened. That's what I did.
And you say that traveling alone hasn't changed you now

(01:00:00):
now you're a man with Pierce Steerrings. I love it.
I almost got pier servings in high school too. I
wanted to. I wanted studs. I wanted two studs. I
was that guys like in the early two thousand's. That
was in until I was wearing my pulp Pierce Celtics Jersey.
I wanted two studs. Feel good ears gauged you, I can.
You can see it. There's a I got. I could

(01:00:20):
fit like a pencilty there at one point. So is
it gauge? Is that like the earring that has a
hole in it? Yeah? Yeah, it's like like a barrel
and you put larger ones in slowly over time. Yeah,
what is what is why is that it looked cool
look tough. That's funny because I want to get gauges
in college for a while too, and I was always

(01:00:42):
too much of a what to do it? So Dean,
why don't you do it when you're starting where you
traveling abroad? Well, all right, one step at a time.
Let's get the hoop, then the gauge. If you go
too big with the gauges, then they'll never close. But
even it sounds like you've never wet back at that point,
I love to be a cautionary tale. I went very
slowly because I wanted them to close up. I went

(01:01:02):
very slowly, and they did not close up like you can.
It doesn't. I mean you could see the whole see
that there's a hole there. You can see there's a
hole there. But yeah, yeah it looks closed from afar. Yeah,
but like when you get up there, like there's I
could put an earring through here right now if I
wanted to. That's crazy. So which is never gonna close you.
I will have a whole permanent damage to my heir lobe,
my precious ear lobe that God gave me, the little

(01:01:23):
little eastern heir lobe. Well, Dean, thanks for so much
for joining us. Man. Please be safe, travel safe. Tell
Alex we said Hi, Um, have fun in Paris, enjoy
your time over there. Um and you guys, I'm gonna
be in Dublin and then after that I'm going to
see your beautiful face as the studio again. Because I

(01:01:43):
miss you guys off so much. Hopefully I'm gonna say
we need all three of us to be united. Would
be phenomenal. I know, I miss our aura. We had
a good aura and vibe in here. Now now now
it's just me and Din. Alright, Dean, we'll talk to

(01:02:03):
you soon. Buddy, have fun youh teany babies. He's such
a good man. Uh, I'm so glad you guys. Ear Pierce,
that's pretty bad ass. Actually, of course he's gonna come
back a completely different man. Tattoos, ear piercings, all good stuff.

(01:02:25):
So good. He sounds so relaxed. Uh yeah, he don't
think he's having a lot of fun. He does sound
like he's having fun. You know what else is fun, Vanessa.
You know what's really fun is getting in shape. It's
something that I need to do because I've eaten about
three chocolate bars a day since I've gotten engaged, because
Ashley and I just really sit on the couch and
watch TV, and so I'm just kind of not going

(01:02:46):
to the gym right now, and I need something that
I can work out at home with. Um So I
found I'm sure you've heard of this before, a Beach
Body on Demand. We talked about it before in the podcast.
It's awesome. It's an easy way to use streaming service
that gives you instant access to a wide variety of
super effective workouts that you can do from the comfort
of your own living room seven, which is huge for

(01:03:07):
me right now because it's very difficult for me to
just get off the couch and go to the gym.
So all I what I need is to like tell myself, Okay,
you're just getting off the couch to move two feet
over there, and you're gonna watch the television and you're
gonna be fine. You're gonna work out with all these
people in the own comfort in your home. So nobody
sees because it sucks when I go to the gym
two and I haven't gone in a couple of months,

(01:03:28):
and like the guy next to me is like benching
four thousand pounds and I'm like using the ten pound gumbbells,
it gets super intimidating. So I love the idea of
working out from home. And you know why, Beach Body
on Demand is the best the history of success success.
Excuse me, this is the company that's behind P nine Insanity,
twenty one day Fixed t, Brazil Butt Lift. Personally, my

(01:03:49):
favorite hip hop ads, three week yogur Retreat, all those
they got the best trainers. You can get motivated motivated
by celebrities, super trainers, you know, like Shanty Uh they
got Tony Horn on there. Um, you can work out
on your own schedule, like you said, you can work
out at home seven whenever you want. Work arts are
as short as ten minutes. They don't require any extra equipment. Um,

(01:04:12):
in the time that it takes you to drive in
park of the gym, like I was saying, you could
be finished with your workout by then. I just moved
into a new area. My uh, infuntreality, So I don't
know where the gimps are stuff. Definitely gonna get the body.
I hear insanity is insane. Um, you heard insanities insane?
Who would have thought? Which is your favorite? My personal
favorite is the twenty one day fix because I like

(01:04:33):
having an end goal, so I know in three weeks
that I'm going to see results, which is the most
important thing for me, because sometimes it's tough. It's tough
getting to the gym, and then the first couple of
times you go, you really work on hardy, you don't
see those results. The cool thing about twenty one day
fixes you see it in three weeks, which is really cool. Um,
he said, you got any favorites over there? Uh, but
has to mention insanity. I like that one a lot
to Um. You know, my my dad is a bodybuilder,

(01:04:54):
and I grew up in a very fit uh centric
household and which probably demand that's the real deal. Well,
these programs, uh, specifically Insanity. I think we'll really get
you into shape in a quick way. And like I said,
the cool thing is you can do it from the
confront of your own home. That's why I really want
you to try this service, because you know, I'm trying
to form the best body I can and so you

(01:05:15):
should really try it because it goes from the comfort
of your own home. Um. Right now, what you can
do to get a special free trial membership is all
you have to do is text Dean d e A
N to thirty thirty thirty. That's Dan d e A
N to thirty thirty. You will get full access to
this entire platform for free, all the workouts and nutrition

(01:05:36):
information and all the support totally free, just by text
and Dean to three zero three zero three zero thirty. Guys.
Try it out today beach Body on Demand. All right, Vanessa, Well,
apparently you have a brand new couch coming in. Yes,
I'm super excited. They just called there on their face.
I'm gonna have to let I can't part with you,
but I'm sure there's some interesting ones out there. Um

(01:05:58):
your new lead, so you at dating as much as
I do so you can get better. I'm gonna definitely
try to give this as best advice as I possibly can. Vanessa,
It's always a privilege. We miss you in the studio.
Have fund in your new couch. I expect to see
photos on Instagram. Well, guys, by Vanessa. All right, let's
read some emails. Erica, you want to read some emails

(01:06:18):
over there? That beautiful voice of yours, I would love to, yes,
and please keep sending these emails, keep writing on the
Facebook group. Help I suck at dating. It's my favorite thing.
I love scrolling through him trying to give as much
answer as I possibly can, So please keep sending them in.
All right, This is from Emily, She says, at my
apartment building, everyone who pays for parking has an assigned
parking spot. A few days ago, I came home from

(01:06:40):
work someone had parked in my spot. However, they did
leave a note on their dashboard with their phone number
saying to call and they would they would move if
they were parked in my spot. Clearly they were okay whatever.
So I called the number and a guy answered and
came to move his car quickly. When he came down,
we had a short conversation, but I don't know his
name or much about him. He was pretty good looking
and seemed to the good guy from the short time

(01:07:01):
I saw him. I would like to contact him again
and see if there's anything between us, but I am
not very courageous person. This happened a few days ago,
so I'm not sure if my window of opportunity is
still open. I would love some help. Also, congrats to
Jared on the engagement. Oh thank you so much Emily
for your congratulatory Ah this one is a tough one.
He's I mean, it was just one meeting, right, am

(01:07:23):
I missing a part of the email? It's just that
one meeting where he was like, here's my number, please
call if I want to move the park car. If
he's cute, go for a girl, why the hell not?
But like, you also know nothing of this man. Probably
not married because you would have seen a ring. But like, well,
he's cute, Like what are you gonna say? Hi? You
want to grab a drink sometime? They live in the
same barbit complex, they have similar interests. I don't think

(01:07:46):
it's the craziest thing. I mean, you don't. I mean,
what's the worst thing going to happen? If he says, oh,
either no or I'm dating someone, then you move on
to the next guy. But if okay, okay, wouldn't it
be a great story if Emily told her kids one day,
do you want to know how I met your dad?
He left a note on his car saying, if you
want me to move this, call me, And I called
him and it was happily ever after. Oh wait, that

(01:08:06):
he picks up women. It's just a weird. Why was
he parked in a clearly assigned parking spot. Anyway, I've
done that too. Well, maybe he doesn't live in the
apartment complex, because I've done that too sometimes. When I
was visiting Ashley Put, I parked my car one time
in the garage and not a spot that's mine, And
I left a note saying, if this is your spot
and you're coming back before I leave, call this number

(01:08:27):
and I will come out and move my car. So
that's what I'm thinking probably happened. But is that he
was visiting someone. So he might have been visiting his girlfriend.
I know. But what I mean at this point it's
so emily, it's so um new and it's just like
nothing right now that like just be like I remember,
let me tell you a story. I mean, it didn't

(01:08:47):
work out for him, but uh, my ex girlfriend one
time got into a little bit of a car accident,
uh and it was just a fand of bender. She
was fine, and the guy walked out and they exchanged
information all that stuff, and he texted her later that
day and it was like, hey, you know, I'm really
sorry about to happen, um, but you seem really nice.
Would you ever want to grab a drink? And she
said no, she felt awkward about it, if I'm being honest,

(01:09:10):
But I think if a girl is texting a guy,
the guy would fee less award about it. And she
was in a relationship at the time. This is my
ex at okay, okay, but she told me it was
pretty funny. I was concerned that the window of opportunity
has closed. And let me tell you that window is,
at least in my experience, that window is open for
a very long time. I guess if I were this

(01:09:30):
guy who disobeys parking rules and some lady called me
six months later saying, hey, you parked in my spot,
I'd be like, let's go to let's get a drink.
It was only a few days ago. Yeah, they're they're good,
she's she's fine. If you as soon as you hear this,
I don't know when you set this email in true
call him right now or don't even call a text
just like a make a joke about the car or
something like something, Hey, are you parked in my spot? No,

(01:09:52):
don't do that. Don't listen to me. I'm really really
bad at this up. It's a joke about the car. Hey,
this isn't where I parked my car. Don't send that,
but I've funny. It's man, that's funny. This isn't where
I parked my car? All right, what do we got?
All right? The next one is from Daniella. She says,
I'm kind of stuck in a pickle this summer with
two guys. I mean, this is so much fun already, Danielle,

(01:10:14):
you're like the bachelorette. Yeah, you're winning um. Guy number one,
I met him along with his family about a year
ago on a trip, and we all became close. I
never thought I could connect with a person the way
I connected with him. We got back from the trip
and realized that we lived super close to each other.
We went on date or two, but then it was
time for me to head back to college, so we
just decided to see what would happen. We The talking
went on for about three months, then things started going downhill.

(01:10:37):
I no longer heard from him. Fast forward to this summer.
I saw him a couple of times, and our chemistry
was palpable. But when we're apart, it's tough. So it
sucks to admit, even after all this time, I still
have feelings. Guy number two met him this summer at
a bar. Super sweet and funny and overall great to
hang out with. We've been on a couple of days
and they've been great, But the connection I have with
him is nothing like what I have with the other guy.

(01:11:00):
Although he's great, I don't know what to do since
I feel like he's more invested than I am. Even
though I want to be on the same page as him,
I can't get the other dude out of my head.
I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't
know if I want to let go just yet. Help
because I really suck at dating, Danielle, I think this
probably goes back to what Charles was saying earlier. I
don't have blinders on The guy that you might think

(01:11:21):
is perfect for you probably isn't, and the guy that
you think is not perfect for you might just be.
And so for guy number two, I think you're not
giving him a fair shot because you're just thinking about
guy number one. And I'm nervous that guy number two
might be a really good fit for you, but you're
just not even allowing yourself to open those doors because
you're so fixated on the other guy. I literally, when

(01:11:43):
I started dating my now boyfriend had been on a
date with another guy who I thought in my mind
made so much more sense. And for the first two
dates with my now boyfriend, I was like, oh what,
I'm like, no, no, no, it's this other guy. It's
this other guy. And then what do you know, he
stopped answering. We never talked again, and the guy that

(01:12:04):
I ended up with is actually the good one. Yeah, exactly,
And so I think it's Daniel. If you just change
your perception a little bit and change your mindset into
not focusing on actively, try not to focus on guy
number one, like, don't think, oh, there's nothing I can do,
he's just always popping my head. No, actively, try not
to think of him. Distract yourself, and then continue going

(01:12:26):
on dates with guy number two. And listen, if it
goes on for three or four times. You go on
three or four dates with this guy and you still
don't feel anything, then it's probably not the right guy.
Having said that, I don't think at this point you're
giving it a fair shot. Yeah, she needs to like
just open her eyes a little more, let it be
go on one more day and just be like, just
see what it is and don't think about anyone else. Yeah,

(01:12:47):
and don't forget that. You're gonna have to put work
in actually trying to forget guy number one. Like it's
just not it's magically not going to happen. So you
have to actually really focus your time and energy on
the person that's in front of you. And that seems
to be guy number two. Right. I'm not saying he's
your future husban, but I'm saying, don't rule it out. Okay,
Now this one's from Katie. It says this guy is waffling.

(01:13:09):
I mean, like going back and forth. Is that what
that means? I guess. Okay, let's see, I've been seeing
someone since April. He lives about an hour away, so
we don't get to see each other a ton. We
see each other on the weekends when we're both free.
We had the talk about being exclusive, and he was
totally on board and asked me to be his girlfriend.
I was ecstatic. Days later, he was making plans to
come visit me. I told him if he came during

(01:13:29):
the week, my mom would be there. He was okay
with this and said he was fine with meeting her
as long as I was all right with us making
that step. Not five minutes later, he totally changed his
mind and said he wasn't ready and that being in
a relationship might not be the best idea for him
at the moment. I was so confused and hurt. A
few weeks later, he came down and we went to dinner.
He didn't pay and got drinks. He gave me all

(01:13:50):
these excuses as to why he wasn't ready to be
in a relationship, but liked me and didn't want to
didn't want me to see anyone else. I was so
angry that he was being so selfish, but also because
I think it's total b s. If he wanted to
be with me, he would right. He has since messaged
me and said he knows he wants to be with me,
and he has totally changed the way he acts towards
me in a positive way. I don't know if I

(01:14:10):
should let him go because he doesn't seem to be
very stable, or give him the benefit of the doubt.
Is this dude bipolar? Like I don't understand he's It's
just there's no Maybe we're missing context because it literally
goes from we had to talk about being exclusive. He
wanted to meet my mom. Two days later, he made
plans to come visit her, and then five minutes later,

(01:14:33):
five minutes after you, he said that he wanted to
meet your mom. He's telling you that he's not ready
to be in a relationship. And then a few weeks later,
you guys got to see each other, and he's still
saying the same thing, that he doesn't want to be
in a relationship and he's making excuses. But then since
he's visited her, he's now messaged her and saying that no,
I want to be in a relationship with you, or

(01:14:54):
he wants to be with her even if he doesn't
want to be in a relationship with her. I think
at this point, Katie, you've got to give some sort
of ultimatum where it's either we're in a relationship or
we don't talk to each other. There's no it's it's
never good. I feel to be in that gray area
of well, we don't really know what we are, but
we're still hooking up and we're still dating each other,

(01:15:17):
but we're not exclusive because it just opens up a
cannon worms that you just don't really need. I think
it's either you cut it off or you guys a
boyfriend girlfriend in my experience that like, oh, what are
we it just does not. It never ends well at all. Yeah,
and I agree, And then the people that say like
that might reference Ashley and myself. Ashley and I have
only been friends for two years now. There's been no touching.

(01:15:40):
They don't know nothing like that. Now, grant, there might
have been harboring feelings, which probably is very unhealthy, but
there was, like she was dating other people. I was
dating other people, like So I think at this point, Katie,
that's kind of the direction you have to go in,
and if it works out at the end, then you
guys will come back to each other. But right now,
I feel the best thing for you is to really
talk to him and say it's got to go one

(01:16:02):
in two directions because my mental state and my heart
can't take much more of this where I need to
either be in a relationship with you and we work
towards something or we cut things off. I also think, no,
you're worth I know that you're way worthier than someone
who can't decide if they want to be with you,
Like at the end of the day, that's it. I agree.
You expect the best from other people, but you also
expect the best from yourself. So there's a lot of

(01:16:26):
dudes that like get off on like dating someone, Oh
my god, remying out of the ghetto, that like uh,
when they're seeing someone they love, like hanging out and
talking about like, oh, we're you know you're gonna be
my parents were gonna go on these trips together. Wouldn't
it be great if we got married? Things like that,
And then when push comes to shove, then they like
the idea of it, but then they get freaked out

(01:16:47):
when it actually starts to happen and they and they
withdraw or sometimes they just leave completely. My advice for
guys out there is that when that happens, pushed through it,
because there's always I don't know if you've had the
same experience, there's of course you have like doubts and
hesitations and fears. But if once you push through that wall,

(01:17:07):
the other side of it is spectacular, it's so much better.
But if this guy isn't capable of, like is not
willing to to go, I mean, this is a very
minor commitment to that she's asking from him. I know
it's not willing for that. I I know you guys
are just boy you you're not even boyfriend girlfriend yet
that's all you're asking for is a little bit more
uh exclusivity. Uh, Katie, I think the best thing for

(01:17:30):
you is to give some sort of ultimatum, which is great.
I feel like that's never the good advice except in
this situation. So, but you know, you gotta do what
you gotta do sometimes in dating and love is hard,
and it's just the game. It's all a game, really,
but we're trying to work through the game. We're trying
to become better at the game. Really. That's why we're here, guys.

(01:17:52):
That's why everybody's here, isn't it. Well. Thanks again for
everybody tuning into a new episode of Help I Second Dating.
A big thank you UM to Charles J. Orlando for
joining us. Please check out his show seven Years Switch. Uh,
thank you so much for coming in. Beach Body on Demand.
Thank you so much. As always, guys, go check out
each Body on Demand you texting. Also Sugar Bear Hair.

(01:18:13):
If you want as great hair as Vanessa has, you
gotta go check out sugar bear Hair dot com. Slash
help UM, thank you so much for everybody joining in.
Thank you Erica, thank you Easton, Thank you Vanessa. Even
though the line was a little staticky, It's always wonderful
hearing your voice. Thank you Dean for calling in from France.
Which is crazy when you really think about it, that
he is by the Eiffel Tower right now and we

(01:18:34):
are in Los Angeles and we just talked to him.
That's a little crazy to think about. Make sure you guys,
tune in next week for an all new episode of
help by Second Dating, where maybe we'll suck a little less.
Follow help by Suck at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and
Jared on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to
podcast

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