August 30, 2025 • 20 mins
We know this looks like clickbait, but hold on, Amy talks to T.J. about research that shows just ONE minute of focused undivided attention to your partner each day, can massively improve your relationship. It’s from a researched article in Forbes that challenges all of us to put down our phones, hold each other’s hands, and ask our partners how we can support them today. Amy and T.J. are going to try it for the next few weeks, and will report back!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome everyone to this Saturday edition of Amy and TJ.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I read.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
An article in Forbes magazine, TJ. That caught my attention.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
What do you think you read forbed them? Nice?
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Yes, every now and then I have some high brow moments.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Nice, very nice.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
I'm really interested in.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
The economy and how I can further my investments. No,
but this one actually was about a relationship. This actually
you had nothing to do with an investment or money
of any kind. But perhaps it's the thing that we
can invest in the most each other exactly.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I like how you pick that up?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
All right, So what would you think of this headline?
Just one minute of focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
One minute of focused attention, that's what the headline says.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yep, one minute.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
So they're talking about daily, but sixty seconds every day
a focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Do you buy it?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Uh? You know what? I buy it enough that I
would go click, which I assume was what that headline
was meant to do, was to get me.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
To click, which is exactly what I did.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
So, yes, I'm curious. But let's if we're going to
take it step by step. Just hearing that I would go, Okay, obviously.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
That's bs you'd be I rolling right, Okay, So here's
I like the concept. So the researcher or the psychologist
who notes several studies and own anecdotal personal evidence from
just their own practice, said that people make the mistake
of thinking that big events are what define a relationship,
(01:39):
that's what stands out in a relationship, But it's actually
the small, repeated rituals that actually end up reassuring your partner.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Did they give you examples of big events? What were
we talking about? We literally talk about marriage or engagement,
a first date and that kind of stuff. Actually think
flowers or.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I think it's the grand gestures. People think, oh, I've
got to I've got to go out for a big
date night, or I need to make a plan for
this vacation for just the two of us, and they're
thinking those are the moments that we should focus on
as a couple. But actually it's all wrong, that's what
they're saying. It's actually all the small, little daily things
that end up deciding whether or not your relationship is
(02:16):
successful and long lasting or not. So sixty seconds is
what they're talking about. Sixty seconds a full undivided attention.
You want some examples of what that could look for?
Speaker 3 (02:26):
Well, what makes you I understand what you're saying. These
researchers are saying you can improve your relationship by simply
giving your partner sixty seconds of your time undivided.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Yes, and this is a decision daily. So they're talking
about no cell phone in hand. Yeah, no multitasking going on, yeah,
no rushing around. There's no where you had like, it
doesn't feel rushed. It's just an intentional minute devoted to
the partner.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
What. Okay, So there are some examples.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Okay, here's an example, one minute of a long hug.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Okay, why are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
I'm imagining us hugging with the timer on.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Okay, does cuddling count?
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yes? Yes, So they've recited a twenty twenty two study.
I've seen tons of these studies that say with just
a twenty second hug, you have your cortisol levels, your
stress levels are immediately reduced.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Like it's palpable. They have wired people up and even
a twenty.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Second hug has a significant neurological impact. So imagine if
you just said, sometimes I come up to you and
I just say, can I have a hug.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
That is that annoying?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
It's well, it depends on if you're asking for it
because you just did something to piss me off.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Oh yeah, no, it's not that. I'm just joking. Stop, No,
I'm just thinking, like in the morning sometimes.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
No, of course it's not annoying. Who gets annoyed? If
anybody out there gets annoyed by a hug or a
request for a hug. No, how many hugs have you
ever had that didn't feel good? Few?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
We've had some only from someone I didn't like or
I didn't like at the time.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Yes, but if your spouse, your maid, the anybody you
like puts their arms around you, and the embrace always
feels good. So you're telling me a sixty second.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Hug, it changes the day.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
You're telling me that every couple out there that's struggling
start with this. Yeah, put your arms around each other
for sixty seconds a day.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
You know what I would say, that can't hurt, can't hurt,
It can't hurt. So that was one example. One minute
of a long hug. Okay, one minute where you share
a moment of gratitude with each other. So they're saying
it could be first thing in the morning, last thing
at night where you just say something you're grateful for
about the other person. You just make a note of
letting the other person know.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
What you're grateful for.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Ever done anything like that. No, I've never tried to
nam Ah to sit down and do that kind of routine.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's so interesting that you say that, because they absolutely
say that it will feel strange at first. It will
absolutely feel strange at first. But if you incorporate one
or both or some of these practices daily, And that
was it has to be consistent, and it has to
be intentional. And they actually they have some suggestions and
we'll get into them about how you can make this
a constant thing, how to make it stick.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So to speak.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But they said, give it two to three weeks before
you say this is so dumb, this is so silly,
this doesn't matter. Give it two to three weeks and
see and then you'll know, and they claim you'll recognize
that it absolutely is a game change. Who's the researcher
is this psychologist you have Forbes magazine just going through
all of their resources. But another thing they said, in
(05:48):
the morning, you could check in for one minute and
say how can I support you today? What's your day like?
And is there anything I can do to support you today?
That's sweet. That sounds like a dream to me. If
every day your partners, Hey, what's your day like? And
is there any way I can support you today?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Man, y'all hope everybody's writing this down. Two out of
the three at least can be done instantly, yep, Like
you can start this tomorrow. But when you go about
your day, it's not just amount of saying, hey, what
you got going which can show a level of interest,
and that's fine, But when you take it a step further,
how can what all you've got going on? How can
I make that load easier? Ah? How can I assist?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Do you instantly feel like gratitude towards the person who
asks you that?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
You immediately feel that. It feels so supportive and you
feel connected.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Okay, I like that too. I like this one too,
because sometimes you're not always in the best place with
your partner. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes there are issues. So
they say it's okay to do We're really good, right, Yeah,
But they say it's okay to do a one minute
silent ritual, which means holding hands. Just go and hold
your partner's hand for one minute. You don't have to
(06:56):
say anything. They even suggested this seemed funny to me,
and I laughed picturing this.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
But forehead to forehead, I don't see us doing that, right,
that's funny?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Was that being forehead to forehead?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
You just put your forehead to your partner's forehead and
you say nothing, but you're connected. That's a very intimate
thing to do that you would not do with anyone else.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
The movie posters of that, like some love stories and
they have forehead to forehead.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Have we ever we might have like touched fore heads? Yeah,
but we that's usually don't We don't linger.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, well it's cuddling. We don't stand in a hall
while you're touching its okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
And then the other thing was you could do breathwork
like breathing together with that also, I would just start laughing.
That's the thing we have that we have that friendship
like two kids who should not sit next to each
other in school friendship.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
We would just.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Start laughing if we had to do breathwork together, Like
I don't think I could ever do yoga with you,
because I would just start laughing. I would just start
laughing at watching you.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
You don't think I could handle yoga, is what you say?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I think you would look hilarious doing yoga.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Why I just do Maybe you'd be sexy and you'd
be amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
I don't know, but I have it. It's something we
could try.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
All right, So I think Wait, those were five?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yeah, those were some of you tell me.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
The one before the last one, it was something I
wanted to get at. What was it?
Speaker 1 (08:19):
What?
Speaker 2 (08:20):
So?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That was a one minute morning check in and then
after you find out what they're doing, you ask how
can I support you today?
Speaker 3 (08:27):
That's a really really good one. And the last one
was what.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
That was just a silent ritual holding hands for a minute.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I was gonna ask, does it count if you're holding
hands walking down the street.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Well, they said you shouldn't be distracted or or multitasking, gotcha?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
So I don't think that counts.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
No, what if? So you shouldn't be watching a movie
and holding hands?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Should it's not part of this practice? Like, that's great
to do that, but this is actually an intentional We're
just gonna sit and it's about feeling and acknowledging the connection,
and so that's part of what it is, where you
actually it's not just a habit where you're just like, oh,
inadvertently touching each other.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
This is I am intentionally connecting to you.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
That's good. I like that with the I thought about
that because you said sitting in silence, I was, and
then holding hands. It made me think of this happened.
It's happened a couple of days recently. And we both
laughed out loud after I said it. But we're walking
down the street, we're holding hands, and then after a
block or two we haven't said anything, and I say.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Are we in a fight?
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Are we fighting?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Like, no, we're just taking in all the sights and
sounds and whatever. But no, that is true because it
feels weird, like why are we not talking right now?
But I actually think sometimes that's a level of comfort,
all right. For the skeptics out there.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
The article has a lot of.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Good points to try and combat any skeptics out there.
First of all, they said to think about this sixty seconds,
this minute as a deposit in your emotional bank account.
So research shows that couples who stayd together consistently make
far more deposits than withdrawals.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
What is a withdrawal?
Speaker 1 (10:05):
You ask, any time you ignore your partner or you
dismiss your partner, whether you realize it or not, you
are there is a withdrawal that is being made where
your your other partner feels less connected, they feel misunderstood.
So that is the negative. The positive is the connection.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
I'm so sorry. Tell me it's a deposit. It and
it withdraw from your what.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Bank account, emotional bank account, and how you're viewing your
connection to your partner. So they say the magic ratio,
and I've seen studies saying this exact same number. For
every negative interaction you need at least five positive ones
to counter it. So so resentment doesn't build, because if
you can't have a five to one ratio, resentment builds.
(10:52):
And so for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Because that's those are the ones that stick with us. Yeah,
it takes a lot more over coming.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Because we are we're protecting ourselves. We're scared of rejection,
we're scared of losing the connection, and so we harp
on that. So the daily practice of sixty seconds guarantees
at least one positive deposit each day. So you're getting
ahead of the game, so to speak.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
Well, we're okay loans, we don't have a negative one.
We don't have to do five deposits every day.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Correct if it's for every negative, right.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
So we should want to build up as me deposits.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
You want to have as much money in the bank
as you can.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Right. So they say, I love this. This is what
the study found. Every time think about this as from
your personal standpoint, be honest with yourself. Every time you're ignored,
even and that's what they call a small rejection. But
being ignored is a small rejection resentment and distance builds
and it accumulates.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
And that's so true.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Say that again.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Every time you're ignored by your partner, it's considered a
small rejection. And that was builds and distance then builds.
You're starting to build a wall, like you start to
protect yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
It's what humans do.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Do they give any examples of what type of being
ignored big things, small things, and just they say, anytime
you feel ignored, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
That you need to pay attention to that, that that matters.
And so they said, getting this sixty seconds is the
one thing. They said, I appreciated this the sixty seconds
thing that's sustainable, like you can do that. Everyone has
one minute to be intentional with their partner, and they
say it's powerful. They're calling it a micro habit, meaning
(12:40):
it's considered too small to fail, and yet it works.
So they're calling this sixty second ritual a micro habit.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
What are we? I mean, where are we that we're
asking that little of our partner? I mean, I guess
do most of us give more than sixty seconds? It
seems bizarre that this is all that takes. I guess
it's baby steps, but that's a really really small baby
step to say that. Can you again? I always when
(13:08):
we start these relationship chats, I come back to it, boom,
everybody ask have you given your partner sixty seconds of
your undivided attention today?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Damn it's harder than you think, especially when you have kids,
especially when you're racing around. You're managing all the things
that we manage as adults, and it's kind of crazy
to think about it like that. All right, So I
think I'm I'm bought into this plan. I think it's cool.
I like how it's sustainable, and I like the fact
that it seems like it makes a lot of sense
(13:45):
to me logically.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
So how do we make it stick?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
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(14:10):
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(14:33):
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code iHeart for twenty percent off and free shipping. Welcome
back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where we
are talking about a pretty cool concept that came from Forbes' magazine.
(14:58):
This notion that all it takes is one minute each day,
sixty seconds of undivided attention towards your partner, and that
that intention, that one minute can transform your relationship for
the better. And so we talked about what it is
that you could do, what you should do, what we
should all be doing, probably in our relationships each and
(15:20):
every day. But how do you make it a happen?
How do you make it stick well? One of the
suggestions from the researchers was to tie it to something
you do every day. So you're about to brush your
teeth in the morning or in the evening, like that's
like when you think about, oh I need to brush
my teeth, that's the moment you do it. It needs to
be tied to something that you know you're going to
do every day. The other thing they said was to
(15:43):
make sure it's pressure free. It's not always going to
be a magical sixty seconds, like somehow we think, oh,
this sixty seconds is going to be this beautiful. Sometimes
it isn't, but you do it anyway. And I thought
that was cool, like just to lower the expectations of
what these seconds might be and even on rush days
(16:03):
when maybe because they said you could decide together when
you're gonna do it, or you can individually decide to
do it. But they said you can remind one another gently, Hey,
do you want to take our one minute now? Like
when things get crazy and maybe you're feeling the tension,
you could say to your partner, hey, can we take
our one minute now?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
And again, this is supposed to be undivided. It's not
just a matter of spending time together. So if we're
in the kitchen and you're cutting up celery and I'm
over there making a margarita, that doesn't count.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
No, in fact, you did, Hey, can we put our
knives down? Can we put our phones down? And can
we take our minute? Whatever that is? It's a hug,
it's a handhole.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Well it's yeah, that's fun. Do you think we get
anywhere close to a minute a day?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I don't know if it's a minute consecutively, like, yes,
we do things for each other, but is it a
full sixty seconds?
Speaker 2 (16:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
We should put a timer on it a couple times
and just see what happens. Like how uncomfortable is a
sixty second hug?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
See not the hug? I think we get in more
than sixty seconds a day. And I say it because
I'm just gonna start reeling off some things undivided though undivided.
The time you get in conversation with me laying down
in the bed, the time you remember me on my
knees while you're still laying in the bed, I'm sitting
(17:23):
there looking up talking to you about something. The time
I lay my head on your stomach. A lot of
this involved me laying on you in somewhere. Apparently we
have these moments that we stop. We're not trying to,
we're not consciously making a decision to do so. But
there are times where, for like, I stop and I
look at you and I'm talking to you about something
(17:43):
other than work, that nothing else is going on.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Yeah, I think, yes, I hear you.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I also think a lot of times we have moments
but we're taking a quick break from the computer or
from a movie, or from preparing dinner or lunch. Like
there's we're all always doing something while we're connecting, and
so I just think that's a unique spin to not
be doing anything else. That's where I think the challenge is.
They also said for parents, a really good time to do.
(18:11):
This is right after you put your kids to bed.
That makes a lot of sense. You put your kids
to bed, you say, let's take our minute now. Or
they say, if you're a long distance, if you're away
from each other, you can keep it up with a
one minute call. That doesn't seem like much, but one
minute text or a voicemail, but just something to let
the other person know. The idea is to let the
other person know you're thinking of them, you're prioritizing them,
(18:35):
you're connecting to them, you're showing them that you love them.
I think that is what it is. And they say, yes,
I said this earlier, but give it two to three weeks.
Don't judge the outcome until you give it.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
That much time.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
You want to try it, I would like to try it.
I think we could try it and then report back
in three weeks. I think that sounds like fun. And
the end of the article. I liked this last line.
They want to to let everyone who is willing to
try to recognize that the transformation happens from what the
(19:09):
ritual symbolizes. It's not the ritual itself. It's that you
are prioritizing your love that it's what it's about It's
not how you do it or when you do it necessarily,
but it's the fact that you're doing it, that you're
making time for it despite all the stresses in life.
You're saying, this is important enough that I am going
to take a beat literally sixty seconds and invest in us.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I like it. Okay, you brought me around.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
All right, very cool? Well, hey, and we love to
hear what you all think. So if anyone else wants
to try it out there and if you want to
read the article, it's in Forbes. But it was a
great read and it got me thinking about something we
can all do to improve the relationships in all of
our lives. And with that, thank you for listening to
us on this Saturday. I'm Amy Roboch along with TJ.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Holmes. Have a great day, everybody.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
That two
Welcome everyone to this Saturday edition of Amy and TJ.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I read.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
An article in Forbes magazine, TJ. That caught my attention.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
What do you think you read forbed them? Nice?
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Yes, every now and then I have some high brow moments.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Nice, very nice.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
I'm really interested in.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
The economy and how I can further my investments. No,
but this one actually was about a relationship. This actually
you had nothing to do with an investment or money
of any kind. But perhaps it's the thing that we
can invest in the most each other exactly.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I like how you pick that up?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
All right, So what would you think of this headline?
Just one minute of focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 3 (00:47):
One minute of focused attention, that's what the headline says.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yep, one minute.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
So they're talking about daily, but sixty seconds every day
a focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Do you buy it?
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Uh? You know what? I buy it enough that I
would go click, which I assume was what that headline
was meant to do, was to get me.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
To click, which is exactly what I did.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
So, yes, I'm curious. But let's if we're going to
take it step by step. Just hearing that I would go, Okay, obviously.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
That's bs you'd be I rolling right, Okay, So here's
I like the concept. So the researcher or the psychologist
who notes several studies and own anecdotal personal evidence from
just their own practice, said that people make the mistake
of thinking that big events are what define a relationship,
(01:39):
that's what stands out in a relationship, But it's actually
the small, repeated rituals that actually end up reassuring your partner.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Did they give you examples of big events? What were
we talking about? We literally talk about marriage or engagement,
a first date and that kind of stuff. Actually think
flowers or.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
I think it's the grand gestures. People think, oh, I've
got to I've got to go out for a big
date night, or I need to make a plan for
this vacation for just the two of us, and they're
thinking those are the moments that we should focus on
as a couple. But actually it's all wrong, that's what
they're saying. It's actually all the small, little daily things
that end up deciding whether or not your relationship is
(02:16):
successful and long lasting or not. So sixty seconds is
what they're talking about. Sixty seconds a full undivided attention.
You want some examples of what that could look for?
Speaker 3 (02:26):
Well, what makes you I understand what you're saying. These
researchers are saying you can improve your relationship by simply
giving your partner sixty seconds of your time undivided.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Yes, and this is a decision daily. So they're talking
about no cell phone in hand. Yeah, no multitasking going on, yeah,
no rushing around. There's no where you had like, it
doesn't feel rushed. It's just an intentional minute devoted to
the partner.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
What. Okay, So there are some examples.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Okay, here's an example, one minute of a long hug.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Okay, why are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
I'm imagining us hugging with the timer on.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Okay, does cuddling count?
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Yes? Yes, So they've recited a twenty twenty two study.
I've seen tons of these studies that say with just
a twenty second hug, you have your cortisol levels, your
stress levels are immediately reduced.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Like it's palpable. They have wired people up and even
a twenty.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Second hug has a significant neurological impact. So imagine if
you just said, sometimes I come up to you and
I just say, can I have a hug.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
That is that annoying?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
It's well, it depends on if you're asking for it
because you just did something to piss me off.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Oh yeah, no, it's not that. I'm just joking. Stop, No,
I'm just thinking, like in the morning sometimes.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
No, of course it's not annoying. Who gets annoyed? If
anybody out there gets annoyed by a hug or a
request for a hug. No, how many hugs have you
ever had that didn't feel good? Few?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
We've had some only from someone I didn't like or
I didn't like at the time.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
Yes, but if your spouse, your maid, the anybody you
like puts their arms around you, and the embrace always
feels good. So you're telling me a sixty second.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Hug, it changes the day.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
You're telling me that every couple out there that's struggling
start with this. Yeah, put your arms around each other
for sixty seconds a day.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
You know what I would say, that can't hurt, can't hurt,
It can't hurt. So that was one example. One minute
of a long hug. Okay, one minute where you share
a moment of gratitude with each other. So they're saying
it could be first thing in the morning, last thing
at night where you just say something you're grateful for
about the other person. You just make a note of
letting the other person know.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
What you're grateful for.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Ever done anything like that. No, I've never tried to
nam Ah to sit down and do that kind of routine.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
It's so interesting that you say that, because they absolutely
say that it will feel strange at first. It will
absolutely feel strange at first. But if you incorporate one
or both or some of these practices daily, And that
was it has to be consistent, and it has to
be intentional. And they actually they have some suggestions and
we'll get into them about how you can make this
a constant thing, how to make it stick.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
So to speak.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
But they said, give it two to three weeks before
you say this is so dumb, this is so silly,
this doesn't matter. Give it two to three weeks and
see and then you'll know, and they claim you'll recognize
that it absolutely is a game change. Who's the researcher
is this psychologist you have Forbes magazine just going through
all of their resources. But another thing they said, in
(05:48):
the morning, you could check in for one minute and
say how can I support you today? What's your day like?
And is there anything I can do to support you today?
That's sweet. That sounds like a dream to me. If
every day your partners, Hey, what's your day like? And
is there any way I can support you today?
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Man, y'all hope everybody's writing this down. Two out of
the three at least can be done instantly, yep, Like
you can start this tomorrow. But when you go about
your day, it's not just amount of saying, hey, what
you got going which can show a level of interest,
and that's fine, But when you take it a step further,
how can what all you've got going on? How can
I make that load easier? Ah? How can I assist?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Do you instantly feel like gratitude towards the person who
asks you that?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
You immediately feel that. It feels so supportive and you
feel connected.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Okay, I like that too. I like this one too,
because sometimes you're not always in the best place with
your partner. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes there are issues. So
they say it's okay to do We're really good, right, Yeah,
But they say it's okay to do a one minute
silent ritual, which means holding hands. Just go and hold
your partner's hand for one minute. You don't have to
(06:56):
say anything. They even suggested this seemed funny to me,
and I laughed picturing this.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
But forehead to forehead, I don't see us doing that, right,
that's funny?
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Was that being forehead to forehead?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
You just put your forehead to your partner's forehead and
you say nothing, but you're connected. That's a very intimate
thing to do that you would not do with anyone else.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
The movie posters of that, like some love stories and
they have forehead to forehead.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Have we ever we might have like touched fore heads? Yeah,
but we that's usually don't We don't linger.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, well it's cuddling. We don't stand in a hall
while you're touching its okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
And then the other thing was you could do breathwork
like breathing together with that also, I would just start laughing.
That's the thing we have that we have that friendship
like two kids who should not sit next to each
other in school friendship.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
We would just.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Start laughing if we had to do breathwork together, Like
I don't think I could ever do yoga with you,
because I would just start laughing. I would just start
laughing at watching you.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
You don't think I could handle yoga, is what you say?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I think you would look hilarious doing yoga.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Why I just do Maybe you'd be sexy and you'd
be amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
I don't know, but I have it. It's something we
could try.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
All right, So I think Wait, those were five?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yeah, those were some of you tell me.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
The one before the last one, it was something I
wanted to get at. What was it?
Speaker 1 (08:19):
What?
Speaker 2 (08:20):
So?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That was a one minute morning check in and then
after you find out what they're doing, you ask how
can I support you today?
Speaker 3 (08:27):
That's a really really good one. And the last one
was what.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
That was just a silent ritual holding hands for a minute.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I was gonna ask, does it count if you're holding
hands walking down the street.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Well, they said you shouldn't be distracted or or multitasking, gotcha?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
So I don't think that counts.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
No, what if? So you shouldn't be watching a movie
and holding hands?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Should it's not part of this practice? Like, that's great
to do that, but this is actually an intentional We're
just gonna sit and it's about feeling and acknowledging the connection,
and so that's part of what it is, where you
actually it's not just a habit where you're just like, oh,
inadvertently touching each other.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
This is I am intentionally connecting to you.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
That's good. I like that with the I thought about
that because you said sitting in silence, I was, and
then holding hands. It made me think of this happened.
It's happened a couple of days recently. And we both
laughed out loud after I said it. But we're walking
down the street, we're holding hands, and then after a
block or two we haven't said anything, and I say.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Are we in a fight?
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Are we fighting?
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Like, no, we're just taking in all the sights and
sounds and whatever. But no, that is true because it
feels weird, like why are we not talking right now?
But I actually think sometimes that's a level of comfort,
all right. For the skeptics out there.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
The article has a lot of.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Good points to try and combat any skeptics out there.
First of all, they said to think about this sixty seconds,
this minute as a deposit in your emotional bank account.
So research shows that couples who stayd together consistently make
far more deposits than withdrawals.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
What is a withdrawal?
Speaker 1 (10:05):
You ask, any time you ignore your partner or you
dismiss your partner, whether you realize it or not, you
are there is a withdrawal that is being made where
your your other partner feels less connected, they feel misunderstood.
So that is the negative. The positive is the connection.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
I'm so sorry. Tell me it's a deposit. It and
it withdraw from your what.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Bank account, emotional bank account, and how you're viewing your
connection to your partner. So they say the magic ratio,
and I've seen studies saying this exact same number. For
every negative interaction you need at least five positive ones
to counter it. So so resentment doesn't build, because if
you can't have a five to one ratio, resentment builds.
(10:52):
And so for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Because that's those are the ones that stick with us. Yeah,
it takes a lot more over coming.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Because we are we're protecting ourselves. We're scared of rejection,
we're scared of losing the connection, and so we harp
on that. So the daily practice of sixty seconds guarantees
at least one positive deposit each day. So you're getting
ahead of the game, so to speak.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
Well, we're okay loans, we don't have a negative one.
We don't have to do five deposits every day.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Correct if it's for every negative, right.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
So we should want to build up as me deposits.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
You want to have as much money in the bank
as you can.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Right. So they say, I love this. This is what
the study found. Every time think about this as from
your personal standpoint, be honest with yourself. Every time you're ignored,
even and that's what they call a small rejection. But
being ignored is a small rejection resentment and distance builds
and it accumulates.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
And that's so true.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Say that again.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Every time you're ignored by your partner, it's considered a
small rejection. And that was builds and distance then builds.
You're starting to build a wall, like you start to
protect yourself.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
It's what humans do.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Do they give any examples of what type of being
ignored big things, small things, and just they say, anytime
you feel ignored, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
That you need to pay attention to that, that that matters.
And so they said, getting this sixty seconds is the
one thing. They said, I appreciated this the sixty seconds
thing that's sustainable, like you can do that. Everyone has
one minute to be intentional with their partner, and they
say it's powerful. They're calling it a micro habit, meaning
(12:40):
it's considered too small to fail, and yet it works.
So they're calling this sixty second ritual a micro habit.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
What are we? I mean, where are we that we're
asking that little of our partner? I mean, I guess
do most of us give more than sixty seconds? It
seems bizarre that this is all that takes. I guess
it's baby steps, but that's a really really small baby
step to say that. Can you again? I always when
(13:08):
we start these relationship chats, I come back to it, boom,
everybody ask have you given your partner sixty seconds of
your undivided attention today?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Damn it's harder than you think, especially when you have kids,
especially when you're racing around. You're managing all the things
that we manage as adults, and it's kind of crazy
to think about it like that. All right, So I
think I'm I'm bought into this plan. I think it's cool.
I like how it's sustainable, and I like the fact
that it seems like it makes a lot of sense
(13:45):
to me logically.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
So how do we make it stick?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Before we go to break, I have to tell you
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(14:10):
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(14:33):
and free shipping. Head to tonaactive dot com and use
code iHeart for twenty percent off and free shipping. Welcome
back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where we
are talking about a pretty cool concept that came from Forbes' magazine.
(14:58):
This notion that all it takes is one minute each day,
sixty seconds of undivided attention towards your partner, and that
that intention, that one minute can transform your relationship for
the better. And so we talked about what it is
that you could do, what you should do, what we
should all be doing, probably in our relationships each and
(15:20):
every day. But how do you make it a happen?
How do you make it stick well? One of the
suggestions from the researchers was to tie it to something
you do every day. So you're about to brush your
teeth in the morning or in the evening, like that's
like when you think about, oh I need to brush
my teeth, that's the moment you do it. It needs to
be tied to something that you know you're going to
do every day. The other thing they said was to
(15:43):
make sure it's pressure free. It's not always going to
be a magical sixty seconds, like somehow we think, oh,
this sixty seconds is going to be this beautiful. Sometimes
it isn't, but you do it anyway. And I thought
that was cool, like just to lower the expectations of
what these seconds might be and even on rush days
(16:03):
when maybe because they said you could decide together when
you're gonna do it, or you can individually decide to
do it. But they said you can remind one another gently, Hey,
do you want to take our one minute now? Like
when things get crazy and maybe you're feeling the tension,
you could say to your partner, hey, can we take
our one minute now?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
And again, this is supposed to be undivided. It's not
just a matter of spending time together. So if we're
in the kitchen and you're cutting up celery and I'm
over there making a margarita, that doesn't count.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
No, in fact, you did, Hey, can we put our
knives down? Can we put our phones down? And can
we take our minute? Whatever that is? It's a hug,
it's a handhole.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Well it's yeah, that's fun. Do you think we get
anywhere close to a minute a day?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I don't know if it's a minute consecutively, like, yes,
we do things for each other, but is it a
full sixty seconds?
Speaker 2 (16:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
We should put a timer on it a couple times
and just see what happens. Like how uncomfortable is a
sixty second hug?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
See not the hug? I think we get in more
than sixty seconds a day. And I say it because
I'm just gonna start reeling off some things undivided though undivided.
The time you get in conversation with me laying down
in the bed, the time you remember me on my
knees while you're still laying in the bed, I'm sitting
(17:23):
there looking up talking to you about something. The time
I lay my head on your stomach. A lot of
this involved me laying on you in somewhere. Apparently we
have these moments that we stop. We're not trying to,
we're not consciously making a decision to do so. But
there are times where, for like, I stop and I
look at you and I'm talking to you about something
(17:43):
other than work, that nothing else is going on.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Yeah, I think, yes, I hear you.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I also think a lot of times we have moments
but we're taking a quick break from the computer or
from a movie, or from preparing dinner or lunch. Like
there's we're all always doing something while we're connecting, and
so I just think that's a unique spin to not
be doing anything else. That's where I think the challenge is.
They also said for parents, a really good time to do.
(18:11):
This is right after you put your kids to bed.
That makes a lot of sense. You put your kids
to bed, you say, let's take our minute now. Or
they say, if you're a long distance, if you're away
from each other, you can keep it up with a
one minute call. That doesn't seem like much, but one
minute text or a voicemail, but just something to let
the other person know. The idea is to let the
other person know you're thinking of them, you're prioritizing them,
(18:35):
you're connecting to them, you're showing them that you love them.
I think that is what it is. And they say, yes,
I said this earlier, but give it two to three weeks.
Don't judge the outcome until you give it.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
That much time.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
You want to try it, I would like to try it.
I think we could try it and then report back
in three weeks. I think that sounds like fun. And
the end of the article. I liked this last line.
They want to to let everyone who is willing to
try to recognize that the transformation happens from what the
(19:09):
ritual symbolizes. It's not the ritual itself. It's that you
are prioritizing your love that it's what it's about It's
not how you do it or when you do it necessarily,
but it's the fact that you're doing it, that you're
making time for it despite all the stresses in life.
You're saying, this is important enough that I am going
to take a beat literally sixty seconds and invest in us.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
I like it. Okay, you brought me around.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
All right, very cool? Well, hey, and we love to
hear what you all think. So if anyone else wants
to try it out there and if you want to
read the article, it's in Forbes. But it was a
great read and it got me thinking about something we
can all do to improve the relationships in all of
our lives. And with that, thank you for listening to
us on this Saturday. I'm Amy Roboch along with TJ.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Holmes. Have a great day, everybody.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
That two
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