In this week’s Yahoo column, Kai writes to Amy and T.J. asking whether she should tell her parents about her very serious boyfriend from a “different background” before they get engaged… or Kai asks, should she wait until afterwards, so she doesn’t cause any unnecessary conflict.
To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News
https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey there, folks. SIT's Monday, August twenty fifth, and can
you imagine ladies taking your fiance home to meet your
parents and your parents didn't even know you had a
boyfriend to begin with with that Welcome to this relationship
edition of Amy and TJ, where we go over our
ask Amy TJ column question from Marina on yahoo dot com.
(00:22):
You can find it in the life session section. Robes.
This is one that you almost cannot believe. Almost sounds
like something from arom com that kind of a scenario.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
It actually does. Now that you pointed out this, we'll
get into her full question to us, But to sum
it up, basically, she is from a culture, she says,
where you have to have your parents' approval before you
can get married. Period. There is no wiggle room. And
so because of that notion, maybe she was worried that
(00:57):
maybe her partner or her romantic her boyfriend wasn't in
line with what she thinks her parents want from her.
He wasn't up to par right, or maybe he's.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
It sounds like he's because she said.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
He'd hear from different backgrounds, that's how she put it.
She thinks that perhaps he might not be accepted so
instead of explaining this to her parents, having them warm
up to the idea of a boyfriend or a partner
from a different culture, she just didn't tell them anything. Nothing.
But now it's getting really, really serious and at a
certain point, you're gonna have to come clean, right, So
(01:33):
when's the right time to do it? If she's already waited?
I believe she said more than a year, nearly a year.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, this isn't gonna go well. I mean, there's another question.
Is it would have been okay for her to let
them know she has a boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Yes, but then I guess she knows they'll start asking questions.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
No, no, But I'm saying when she first started dating
this guy month one, month, two, month three, she didn't
know she was going to marry him necessarily. Why weren't
there they aware that she was even dating somebody?
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Fear absolute fear. Look, when you are raised very strictly
in a certain environment, with a very specific set of
guidelines or even you could call them restrictions, if you
go past them or beyond them, or go outside of
what is considered acceptable by your family, it's scary to
tell them, Hey, I know what you guys want from me.
(02:22):
I know what you guys expect of me, and the
truth is, I'm actually doing something very different. That's very
scary because no one wants to be rejected by their family.
And this woman who writes into us basically says if
her parents don't accept or approve of her partner, she
can't marry him or she would risk losing her family.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
So then, when you put it that way, it seems
unfair to the fiance, even more so to me because
now her family gets to decide his fate, something that
he wants and who he gets to marry. They're not
just deciding for her. It's he's made a decision about
(03:04):
the person he wants to be with and it's not
up to him.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, and we don't know how much he knows or
I mean, I'm certain he knows that he hasn't met
her family, that's obvious, But does he absolutely know the
real reason?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Probably?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
I wonder what that is like for him. But yes,
they're not officially fiancees yet, but she when she writes
does she's basically saying that's coming. It's about to be
the case, they're about to get engaged.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, this is seems like the rom comm scenario where
you're screaming at the TV like it's right there, all
right there in the next room. You didn't see that
help coming. It seems like it's a ridiculous scenario. You
watch for like an hour and twenty minutes before everybody
figure out what happens. Then they get upset, and then
they make up again at the end at the airport
usually right.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yes, yeah, well, there's usually like some sort of a
false ending to the relationship because the one person is
so upset and then the other person chases them wherever
it is forward another location.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Do you think it's over?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Bah ah, just wait, Yes, we hope this one certainly
has a happy ending as well. But yet this is
basically about keeping secrets and it on one hand, On
the other hand, it's also about at what point is
it your life? And at what point do you have
to do what your family says you have to do?
I mean, is there a way? Is there a way forward?
As we get beyond just our tight knit circles that
(04:26):
way back when was easy to stay into a certain
tribe and stay with your kind, so to speak. But
in this vastly you know connected world, can people can
we maybe are we not giving our families more credit
for coming along with the times, being willing to evolve
from what used to work. It may not work in
(04:49):
today's society.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Well if it works with them, it works for that family.
This young lady is, that's her call. The amount of
power she wants to give to her family, that's up
to her. I still argue that we are all Our
families always surprise us where we think they are going
to react one way to something we do, or to
have to admit that we might do something that was disappointing.
Every time they those are the ones they are going
(05:13):
to put their arms around you because they love you.
So that's going to happen, undoubtedly once she comes clean
to her family. Again, I don't know the culture, we
don't know the background, but I think she'd be surprised
by our family's reaction and how disappointed must they feel
that while we've done something to make our child feel
(05:34):
like she can't come to us. That sucks to.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Yeah, it does, absolutely, But I do think that it's look,
we have watched and we have lived enough life that
I think sometimes the thing we worry about the most,
or the reaction we're anticipating from people who we are
closest to. Sometimes we are so off we don't know
(05:57):
what our parents or what people who love us are
going to say or think. Sometimes their reactions might surprise us,
and I actually think oftentimes they do. What you're worried
about the most, very often doesn't come to fruition in
the first place, and the biggest regret is not coming
clean sooner. So let's get to the question that our
(06:18):
reader asked us. This week's question again comes to us
from Kai, and she writes, Amy and TJ. I'm in
my late twenties and I've been dating my partner for
almost a year. I'm head over heels and truly believe
he might be the one. The problem is my parents.
I come from a culture where family approval is considered
(06:40):
essential before marriage. Because my partner and I come from
different backgrounds, I worry that my parents won't accept him.
They don't even know I'm in a serious relationship. I'm
torn between telling them now or waiting until we're engaged.
I don't want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I also
don't want to keep such a big part of my
(07:01):
life from them. What would you do in my position
Kai that last part.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
There, like your heart goes out to her because she
is probably torn and is unsure. But yeah, to think
that there's something that's there that important, that she's that
excited about. And who is Who's the first couple of
people you're excited to tell your great news to. He
(07:30):
is she folks, and she's keeping it from them. That's
got to be tough.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It is. It's got to be incredibly tough. And I
think look, part of what my advice was to her
was from a parent's perspective. I know what it's like
to be young and in love, but from a parent's perspective,
I think that, yes, we want our kids. We have
a certain idea of what we want our children to
become and who we'd like.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
To see them with.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
But if you see that your child is happy, that
kind of trumps everything else. So you may have an
idea of who the perfect partner would be, but when
your child brings home somebody who genuinely makes them happy,
I feel like you can soften what your expectations are
when you see someone being loved by their partner. Like
(08:18):
if I see whoever Eva and Anna decide to bring home,
if I see that other person loving them and lifting
them up and supporting them. That's all that matters. And
I think that's where most parents' heads are. I can't
speak to their culture, obviously, but I do think that
by hiding him, it almost sends a message that it's wrong.
(08:39):
It almost reinforces this belief that she's doing something bad
and that could be a problem.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
In her mind, then she must be doing something wrong.
So what is that thing? Look, I don't want to
dive into. Let's just take it for on its servered right.
What ages so we have?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
She said, late twenties.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Okay, let's say they're both age appropriate. Right. There's nothing
wild about him. He's not some criminal off the street,
He's not some right he just say this is a
normal dude.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
He's from a different background. That's what we have.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay. Then it sounds almost like she knows he was
a non starter. If this is that important to you
in culture, why are you even dabbling outside of what
you think is going to be okay for your culture?
Why do that?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Now?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I'm not saying at all that's what I think people
should do, But going by the rules she appears to
have for her family, why did she not follow them.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Right, because I was thinking, and I wrote this in
my advice to Kai, that if you don't let your
parents know, it's almost as if they're thinking, if he's
so great, if he's the one, why am I just
now meeting him. And that's going to be a hard
question for her to answer because she'll have to say, well,
it's because I thought you wouldn't approve. I don't know
(10:00):
how that will fly. But I think going in with
confidence and saying I understand that you have certain expectations,
but I hope you can understand how wonderful this man is.
It doesn't matter that he's this ethnicity or he has
this religion, because here are all the great things about him,
and going strong, go in with confidence, but going sooner
rather than later. Absolutely, I think the longer you wait,
(10:22):
the harder it is. It might you're just kicking the
can down the road, but I think it actually has
bigger complications than just having a longer period of time
where you are unsure and things are hanging in the
balance and twisting in the wind. You're actually the longer
you wait, the more suffering you're causing. I think for
you and for your boyfriend, but also the more damage
(10:44):
being done because you're going to have to explain an
even longer gap in time. I'd rather know my child's
partner or soon to be partner before they get engaged,
get to know them and kind of feel like I'm
along with the decision, I'm along for the ride. I
don't just get told what's happening and sorrow. You had
no idea. This has been going on for months, maybe
(11:05):
even years.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
I'm pretty sure I've even seen that scenario in a
movie before, which you cannot be introducing somebody to your
parents for the first time as your fiance.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
That's tough.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Yeah, you can't. That's never gonna go well, not even
the movies. It doesn't go well this lady and lady,
I'll go back. I'm reading through her thing again. The
problem is my parents. And as soon as you started
reading the problem is my parents. Is that fair?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It's what she thinks the problem is. But perhaps if
she looked inward and realized it's her inability to live
her own life and explain that to her parents.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Have you have you hidden who you're dating from your
parents for fear that they would be upset about who
you're dating.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I'm trying to think. I mean, I can understand.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Besides me, I'm sorry, Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
We can get into that in a moment, But I
do think that.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
It's I can understand the argument not wanting to introduce
someone to your parents who you don't think you're going
to have a serious relationship with.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
One hundred percent everyone does that.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
You think about whether or not somebody, I hate to
us this worthy enough, but if your relationship maybe is
worthy enough to bring to your parents, you don't want
to bring every person that you've ever dated by your
parents just.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
To Hey, look who I'm dating right now.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
It's a big moment to meet parents.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
It has to be.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
A certain level of relationship for you to introduce them.
But I also would say that along the way, if
I'm dating you know Tom or Jim whatever, I will
probably mention to my I'm made up total Tom name Tom.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Look even I didn't either, I didn't know James.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
The point being is I can understand casually mentioning like
oh yeah, I'm just kind of dating around or seeing somebody,
but never ever wanting my parents to actually meet them.
In fact, even right now, my oldest she told me
that she has had a third date with someone. I
don't know his name. I know a little bit about him,
but she's casually mentioned it. I have zero desire to
(13:06):
meet him. She is zero desire to introduce me to him.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
But I do have an.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Awareness I would like for, you know, if maybe if
it goes to the fifth or sixth state, maybe I'd
like to know his name. But I do get it, like,
we don't have to know everything as parents, and I
don't think children have to tell their parents everyone who
they're dating. But this is far different from that. And
we personally know what it's like, the consequences that you
(13:30):
suffer sometimes if you don't, if you aren't transparent with
something serious, for the people who are closest to you.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah, and we have vowed as recently and reiterated it
in the past two weeks to our parents, something that
we say we will never ever ever do again.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Welcome Aback, Welcome a Back. That was funny. I'm taken, aback,
I'm welcome, all.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Right, Fine, let's keep it.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I've got a case of the Mondays.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
That's all I can say. Awesome, that was so great.
This is be my favorite episode.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Welcome Welcome Back, and Please don't be taken aback by
my lack of knowledge of how to form a sentence
in the English language.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Welcome back to this edition of Amy and DJ, where
we are actually talking about our latest column, our relationship
advice column. It drops every Monday on Yahoo dot Com
in a life section, And this week's question comes to
us from a reader named Kai, and she is really
struggling with how to, when, to if to tell her
(14:56):
parents that she is seriously dating someone who has a
different background, who she believes her parents won't approve of
because they come from different backgrounds. And Tej in your
initial advice to Kai, you actually spoke from experience.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I mean I actually spoke from experience.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Our experience. I'm just saying as well you said, and
it's our shared experience.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Well, that's a what out of fear? Right, we didn't
tell our parents something out of fear, our fear at
the time parents were aware of divorce, but we didn't
tell then that we had started dating. Now, once we
started dating, it wasn't serious enough initially to a point
(15:39):
that we necessarily felt we should but we probably still
should have, and our folks had to find out about
it when everybody else in the world did. But that
was a time we could have used some support, some
support for us as a couple that we didn't seek
(16:01):
out from anybody. Like a very difficult time for us.
So to kai what she's going through now, trying to
figure out the next step of her life. She's about
to possibly get married, and you don't have the support
of your I mean, you even want your family to
size a guy up, right, You want your friends, You
want people around and say yeah, we like them, we
(16:22):
don't like them, whatever may be. It's just we never
We were on with my dad recently and there was
I can't remember what it was and whatever tabloid, but
it got to a point that we needed to call
our parents and say, hey, you're going to be seeing
this and just want to make sure you understand that no,
that is not the case. This is what's up, and
(16:45):
you all will never we have pledged to them, we
will never ever let you all hear something about our
relationship in a paper or a tabloid first.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Because once something like that does happen, once news slips
to you or family or your parents before you're able
to actually tell them, it's hard to have them feel
like you are trusting in them again. Like to your point,
my mom saw that we both wore Ora rings. I
think we've talked about this before, and she actually asked me,
but she took her a while to build up the
courage to ask me if you and I had already
(17:17):
gotten married. And that is when we said, and I
think you said this to her too, we would never
We will never do that without telling you first. We
are going to include you in our plans before they happen.
You're not going to be the last person to find
out something ever again. And I think we learned that
clearly the hard way. But to Kai, we would say,
(17:37):
I would say that I don't think there is any
harm in telling your parents. In fact, I know it
takes courage and I know it takes bravery, but that's
never going to be the thing you regret. You're going
to regret your silence in this particular point. I think
a lot of times people say, oh, you can never
regret your silences. In this instance, you can. When it
(18:00):
comes to your family and bringing them in. If you
want their support and you need their support, which I
think most of us do, the best way to get
it is to be transparent is to be forthcoming and
to trust in their love for you. Trust that their
love for you is greater than any cultural norm or
(18:20):
cultural tradition that they were brought up with, that they
can grow and they can evolve beyond what perhaps some
strict box was that they were put in. Maybe they
think they want the same for you, But when they
see your joy and they see their happiness, their love
will break through that cultural tradition at least I would
hope so. And if it doesn't, and if they don't,
then that's on them, not on you.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
What would you suggest be the tactic for letting them know.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I think the tactic would be toa I don't know
how close they are logistically, if it's a phone call
or if it's at least to FaceTime, but I think
it needs to be in face, face to face, and
I think it's just her with her parents. Don't bring
boyfriend into it yet, just kai talking to her parents,
and if she can't do it in person, do it
(19:10):
on FaceTime. But just say hey, I have good news
that I want to share with you that I have
not shared with you yet. I wanted to make sure
it was worth sharing. And now I know it is,
and go into it with something positive. Don't say I
know you might be mad, Please don't be mad. If
you set it up like that, you're almost giving them
permission to be angry. In a sense, I would start
in with positivity and joy and say, I love you,
(19:32):
I know what you want from me, and I hope
what you want for me above all else is for
me to be happy and to a found love. And
I think I have found that, and I want to
share you, share with you who this man is, and
just go into it with positive, with the positive thoughts
and positive words.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
And the only change I would have to that that
even if you don't live near your parents, take a flight,
this needs to be done in person.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Really, you don't think FaceTime good enough.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I said something about that that physical energy gives the thing.
You know, there's body language, there's a thing just a
warmth and I love the even and a compassion and
an emotional energy that has to be felt side by side,
face to face with parents.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I just but what if that delays it even further?
What if she can't get off.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Already a year at this point, you already screwed this
thing up. So if it's a couple more weekends.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, and I think that kai. What I would say
is they might not react.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Well, if there's the thing, well, oh I was about
to say, they might not react the way you think
they are.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Oh yeah, well, they might react incredibly well, they might
be incredibly supportive.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
They might say, all we care about.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Is your happiness. But let's just say her worst fears
come true, which could absolutely happen, and they aren't happy.
Give them a second, give them a moment to live
with it, to kind of get used to the idea
of it. And then and only when they are ready,
you introduce the boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
But it's gonna be it could possibly be hard when
it does happen, it could be really hard. But every
minute that goes by, extra minute that goes by that
you don't tell them, it gets harder and harder and harder.
The closer you get to an engagement. I mean, the
engagement could have happened by now. Are they delaying because
of this? Possibly? What is she telling this young man?
(21:23):
I want to marry you, but you haven't let me
meet your parents yet. I don't know. They don't even
know about me. Does he even know about that? That's
another rom common scenario I'm sure I've seen recently.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
There are a lot of complicating factors to all of this,
but I think the best way forward, the best way out,
is through, and to get through it, you have to
be honest.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
You have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
And we've talked about this so much, but that has
been my biggest regret when I look back, especially when
it came to our relationships, not being transparent, because when
you don't, when you don't tell your story, someone else will.
Who knows what they're thinking about their daughter, who knows
if they're trying to set her up, who knows what
they have in their mind about what her life, what
her relationship, what her family is going to look like.
(22:08):
And so the sooner she explains to them the path
that she's on, the better off.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
The sooner they're going.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
To be off to a better path period in the future.
About having a non strained relationship, so I just you know,
trust us in.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
The sense that we have walked to that path.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Before, and there's just no place for secret. Secrets always
end badly. Secret relationship, just a secret that you're carrying
with you, you're the one who ends up suffering even
not the people you're keeping it from, but you yourself are suffering,
and perhaps your relationship is too, because imagine you love someone,
you're excited, you think they're the one, but you have
(22:47):
this sense of dread when it comes to that relationship
because you can't be honest with your family about who
you love. That's a really, really tough position to be in,
and I feel for Kai completely. But we would love
for you all to check out this latest edition of
Ask Amy and TG. So please everyone go to Yahoo,
go to the life section, read what Kai had to say.
(23:09):
You can read our full advice there, and then we
urge you please go ahead get on those comments, give
Kai the best advice you have. Maybe some of you
have walked this walk and we don't have that specific
experience of having a family that wants a specific partner
for you. That's a whole other set of parameters and
(23:31):
guidelines that I never had to navigate. So for any
of you who have had to do that, we would
absolutely appreciate your comments. And we'll do another podcast this
week talking about what you our listener and the readers
had to say to Kai.
Hey there, folks. SIT's Monday, August twenty fifth, and can
you imagine ladies taking your fiance home to meet your
parents and your parents didn't even know you had a
boyfriend to begin with with that Welcome to this relationship
edition of Amy and TJ, where we go over our
ask Amy TJ column question from Marina on yahoo dot com.
(00:22):
You can find it in the life session section. Robes.
This is one that you almost cannot believe. Almost sounds
like something from arom com that kind of a scenario.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
It actually does. Now that you pointed out this, we'll
get into her full question to us, But to sum
it up, basically, she is from a culture, she says,
where you have to have your parents' approval before you
can get married. Period. There is no wiggle room. And
so because of that notion, maybe she was worried that
(00:57):
maybe her partner or her romantic her boyfriend wasn't in
line with what she thinks her parents want from her.
He wasn't up to par right, or maybe he's.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
It sounds like he's because she said.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
He'd hear from different backgrounds, that's how she put it.
She thinks that perhaps he might not be accepted so
instead of explaining this to her parents, having them warm
up to the idea of a boyfriend or a partner
from a different culture, she just didn't tell them anything. Nothing.
But now it's getting really, really serious and at a
certain point, you're gonna have to come clean, right, So
(01:33):
when's the right time to do it? If she's already waited?
I believe she said more than a year, nearly a year.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, this isn't gonna go well. I mean, there's another question.
Is it would have been okay for her to let
them know she has a boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Yes, but then I guess she knows they'll start asking questions.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
No, no, But I'm saying when she first started dating
this guy month one, month, two, month three, she didn't
know she was going to marry him necessarily. Why weren't
there they aware that she was even dating somebody?
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Fear absolute fear. Look, when you are raised very strictly
in a certain environment, with a very specific set of
guidelines or even you could call them restrictions, if you
go past them or beyond them, or go outside of
what is considered acceptable by your family, it's scary to
tell them, Hey, I know what you guys want from me.
(02:22):
I know what you guys expect of me, and the
truth is, I'm actually doing something very different. That's very
scary because no one wants to be rejected by their family.
And this woman who writes into us basically says if
her parents don't accept or approve of her partner, she
can't marry him or she would risk losing her family.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
So then, when you put it that way, it seems
unfair to the fiance, even more so to me because
now her family gets to decide his fate, something that
he wants and who he gets to marry. They're not
just deciding for her. It's he's made a decision about
(03:04):
the person he wants to be with and it's not
up to him.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, and we don't know how much he knows or
I mean, I'm certain he knows that he hasn't met
her family, that's obvious, But does he absolutely know the
real reason?
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Probably?
Speaker 2 (03:16):
I wonder what that is like for him. But yes,
they're not officially fiancees yet, but she when she writes
does she's basically saying that's coming. It's about to be
the case, they're about to get engaged.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, this is seems like the rom comm scenario where
you're screaming at the TV like it's right there, all
right there in the next room. You didn't see that
help coming. It seems like it's a ridiculous scenario. You
watch for like an hour and twenty minutes before everybody
figure out what happens. Then they get upset, and then
they make up again at the end at the airport
usually right.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Yes, yeah, well, there's usually like some sort of a
false ending to the relationship because the one person is
so upset and then the other person chases them wherever
it is forward another location.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Do you think it's over?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Bah ah, just wait, Yes, we hope this one certainly
has a happy ending as well. But yet this is
basically about keeping secrets and it on one hand, On
the other hand, it's also about at what point is
it your life? And at what point do you have
to do what your family says you have to do?
I mean, is there a way? Is there a way forward?
As we get beyond just our tight knit circles that
(04:26):
way back when was easy to stay into a certain
tribe and stay with your kind, so to speak. But
in this vastly you know connected world, can people can
we maybe are we not giving our families more credit
for coming along with the times, being willing to evolve
from what used to work. It may not work in
(04:49):
today's society.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Well if it works with them, it works for that family.
This young lady is, that's her call. The amount of
power she wants to give to her family, that's up
to her. I still argue that we are all Our
families always surprise us where we think they are going
to react one way to something we do, or to
have to admit that we might do something that was disappointing.
Every time they those are the ones they are going
(05:13):
to put their arms around you because they love you.
So that's going to happen, undoubtedly once she comes clean
to her family. Again, I don't know the culture, we
don't know the background, but I think she'd be surprised
by our family's reaction and how disappointed must they feel
that while we've done something to make our child feel
(05:34):
like she can't come to us. That sucks to.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Yeah, it does, absolutely, But I do think that it's look,
we have watched and we have lived enough life that
I think sometimes the thing we worry about the most,
or the reaction we're anticipating from people who we are
closest to. Sometimes we are so off we don't know
(05:57):
what our parents or what people who love us are
going to say or think. Sometimes their reactions might surprise us,
and I actually think oftentimes they do. What you're worried
about the most, very often doesn't come to fruition in
the first place, and the biggest regret is not coming
clean sooner. So let's get to the question that our
(06:18):
reader asked us. This week's question again comes to us
from Kai, and she writes, Amy and TJ. I'm in
my late twenties and I've been dating my partner for
almost a year. I'm head over heels and truly believe
he might be the one. The problem is my parents.
I come from a culture where family approval is considered
(06:40):
essential before marriage. Because my partner and I come from
different backgrounds, I worry that my parents won't accept him.
They don't even know I'm in a serious relationship. I'm
torn between telling them now or waiting until we're engaged.
I don't want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I also
don't want to keep such a big part of my
(07:01):
life from them. What would you do in my position
Kai that last part.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
There, like your heart goes out to her because she
is probably torn and is unsure. But yeah, to think
that there's something that's there that important, that she's that
excited about. And who is Who's the first couple of
people you're excited to tell your great news to. He
(07:30):
is she folks, and she's keeping it from them. That's
got to be tough.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
It is. It's got to be incredibly tough. And I
think look, part of what my advice was to her
was from a parent's perspective. I know what it's like
to be young and in love, but from a parent's perspective,
I think that, yes, we want our kids. We have
a certain idea of what we want our children to
become and who we'd like.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
To see them with.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
But if you see that your child is happy, that
kind of trumps everything else. So you may have an
idea of who the perfect partner would be, but when
your child brings home somebody who genuinely makes them happy,
I feel like you can soften what your expectations are
when you see someone being loved by their partner. Like
(08:18):
if I see whoever Eva and Anna decide to bring home,
if I see that other person loving them and lifting
them up and supporting them. That's all that matters. And
I think that's where most parents' heads are. I can't
speak to their culture, obviously, but I do think that
by hiding him, it almost sends a message that it's wrong.
(08:39):
It almost reinforces this belief that she's doing something bad
and that could be a problem.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
In her mind, then she must be doing something wrong.
So what is that thing? Look, I don't want to
dive into. Let's just take it for on its servered right.
What ages so we have?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
She said, late twenties.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Okay, let's say they're both age appropriate. Right. There's nothing
wild about him. He's not some criminal off the street,
He's not some right he just say this is a
normal dude.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
He's from a different background. That's what we have.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay. Then it sounds almost like she knows he was
a non starter. If this is that important to you
in culture, why are you even dabbling outside of what
you think is going to be okay for your culture?
Why do that?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Now?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I'm not saying at all that's what I think people
should do, But going by the rules she appears to
have for her family, why did she not follow them.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Right, because I was thinking, and I wrote this in
my advice to Kai, that if you don't let your
parents know, it's almost as if they're thinking, if he's
so great, if he's the one, why am I just
now meeting him. And that's going to be a hard
question for her to answer because she'll have to say, well,
it's because I thought you wouldn't approve. I don't know
(10:00):
how that will fly. But I think going in with
confidence and saying I understand that you have certain expectations,
but I hope you can understand how wonderful this man is.
It doesn't matter that he's this ethnicity or he has
this religion, because here are all the great things about him,
and going strong, go in with confidence, but going sooner
rather than later. Absolutely, I think the longer you wait,
(10:22):
the harder it is. It might you're just kicking the
can down the road, but I think it actually has
bigger complications than just having a longer period of time
where you are unsure and things are hanging in the
balance and twisting in the wind. You're actually the longer
you wait, the more suffering you're causing. I think for
you and for your boyfriend, but also the more damage
(10:44):
being done because you're going to have to explain an
even longer gap in time. I'd rather know my child's
partner or soon to be partner before they get engaged,
get to know them and kind of feel like I'm
along with the decision, I'm along for the ride. I
don't just get told what's happening and sorrow. You had
no idea. This has been going on for months, maybe
(11:05):
even years.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
I'm pretty sure I've even seen that scenario in a
movie before, which you cannot be introducing somebody to your
parents for the first time as your fiance.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
That's tough.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Yeah, you can't. That's never gonna go well, not even
the movies. It doesn't go well this lady and lady,
I'll go back. I'm reading through her thing again. The
problem is my parents. And as soon as you started
reading the problem is my parents. Is that fair?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It's what she thinks the problem is. But perhaps if
she looked inward and realized it's her inability to live
her own life and explain that to her parents.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Have you have you hidden who you're dating from your
parents for fear that they would be upset about who
you're dating.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I'm trying to think. I mean, I can understand.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Besides me, I'm sorry, Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
We can get into that in a moment, But I
do think that.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
It's I can understand the argument not wanting to introduce
someone to your parents who you don't think you're going
to have a serious relationship with.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
One hundred percent everyone does that.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
You think about whether or not somebody, I hate to
us this worthy enough, but if your relationship maybe is
worthy enough to bring to your parents, you don't want
to bring every person that you've ever dated by your
parents just.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
To Hey, look who I'm dating right now.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
It's a big moment to meet parents.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
It has to be.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
A certain level of relationship for you to introduce them.
But I also would say that along the way, if
I'm dating you know Tom or Jim whatever, I will
probably mention to my I'm made up total Tom name Tom.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Look even I didn't either, I didn't know James.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
The point being is I can understand casually mentioning like
oh yeah, I'm just kind of dating around or seeing somebody,
but never ever wanting my parents to actually meet them.
In fact, even right now, my oldest she told me
that she has had a third date with someone. I
don't know his name. I know a little bit about him,
but she's casually mentioned it. I have zero desire to
(13:06):
meet him. She is zero desire to introduce me to him.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
But I do have an.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Awareness I would like for, you know, if maybe if
it goes to the fifth or sixth state, maybe I'd
like to know his name. But I do get it, like,
we don't have to know everything as parents, and I
don't think children have to tell their parents everyone who
they're dating. But this is far different from that. And
we personally know what it's like, the consequences that you
(13:30):
suffer sometimes if you don't, if you aren't transparent with
something serious, for the people who are closest to you.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah, and we have vowed as recently and reiterated it
in the past two weeks to our parents, something that
we say we will never ever ever do again.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Welcome Aback, Welcome a Back. That was funny. I'm taken, aback,
I'm welcome, all.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Right, Fine, let's keep it.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I've got a case of the Mondays.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
That's all I can say. Awesome, that was so great.
This is be my favorite episode.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
Welcome Welcome Back, and Please don't be taken aback by
my lack of knowledge of how to form a sentence
in the English language.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Welcome back to this edition of Amy and DJ, where
we are actually talking about our latest column, our relationship
advice column. It drops every Monday on Yahoo dot Com
in a life section, And this week's question comes to
us from a reader named Kai, and she is really
struggling with how to, when, to if to tell her
(14:56):
parents that she is seriously dating someone who has a
different background, who she believes her parents won't approve of
because they come from different backgrounds. And Tej in your
initial advice to Kai, you actually spoke from experience.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I mean I actually spoke from experience.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Our experience. I'm just saying as well you said, and
it's our shared experience.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Well, that's a what out of fear? Right, we didn't
tell our parents something out of fear, our fear at
the time parents were aware of divorce, but we didn't
tell then that we had started dating. Now, once we
started dating, it wasn't serious enough initially to a point
(15:39):
that we necessarily felt we should but we probably still
should have, and our folks had to find out about
it when everybody else in the world did. But that
was a time we could have used some support, some
support for us as a couple that we didn't seek
(16:01):
out from anybody. Like a very difficult time for us.
So to kai what she's going through now, trying to
figure out the next step of her life. She's about
to possibly get married, and you don't have the support
of your I mean, you even want your family to
size a guy up, right, You want your friends, You
want people around and say yeah, we like them, we
(16:22):
don't like them, whatever may be. It's just we never
We were on with my dad recently and there was
I can't remember what it was and whatever tabloid, but
it got to a point that we needed to call
our parents and say, hey, you're going to be seeing
this and just want to make sure you understand that no,
that is not the case. This is what's up, and
(16:45):
you all will never we have pledged to them, we
will never ever let you all hear something about our
relationship in a paper or a tabloid first.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Because once something like that does happen, once news slips
to you or family or your parents before you're able
to actually tell them, it's hard to have them feel
like you are trusting in them again. Like to your point,
my mom saw that we both wore Ora rings. I
think we've talked about this before, and she actually asked me,
but she took her a while to build up the
courage to ask me if you and I had already
(17:17):
gotten married. And that is when we said, and I
think you said this to her too, we would never
We will never do that without telling you first. We
are going to include you in our plans before they happen.
You're not going to be the last person to find
out something ever again. And I think we learned that
clearly the hard way. But to Kai, we would say,
(17:37):
I would say that I don't think there is any
harm in telling your parents. In fact, I know it
takes courage and I know it takes bravery, but that's
never going to be the thing you regret. You're going
to regret your silence in this particular point. I think
a lot of times people say, oh, you can never
regret your silences. In this instance, you can. When it
(18:00):
comes to your family and bringing them in. If you
want their support and you need their support, which I
think most of us do, the best way to get
it is to be transparent is to be forthcoming and
to trust in their love for you. Trust that their
love for you is greater than any cultural norm or
(18:20):
cultural tradition that they were brought up with, that they
can grow and they can evolve beyond what perhaps some
strict box was that they were put in. Maybe they
think they want the same for you, But when they
see your joy and they see their happiness, their love
will break through that cultural tradition at least I would
hope so. And if it doesn't, and if they don't,
then that's on them, not on you.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
What would you suggest be the tactic for letting them know.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
I think the tactic would be toa I don't know
how close they are logistically, if it's a phone call
or if it's at least to FaceTime, but I think
it needs to be in face, face to face, and
I think it's just her with her parents. Don't bring
boyfriend into it yet, just kai talking to her parents,
and if she can't do it in person, do it
(19:10):
on FaceTime. But just say hey, I have good news
that I want to share with you that I have
not shared with you yet. I wanted to make sure
it was worth sharing. And now I know it is,
and go into it with something positive. Don't say I
know you might be mad, Please don't be mad. If
you set it up like that, you're almost giving them
permission to be angry. In a sense, I would start
in with positivity and joy and say, I love you,
(19:32):
I know what you want from me, and I hope
what you want for me above all else is for
me to be happy and to a found love. And
I think I have found that, and I want to
share you, share with you who this man is, and
just go into it with positive, with the positive thoughts
and positive words.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
And the only change I would have to that that
even if you don't live near your parents, take a flight,
this needs to be done in person.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Really, you don't think FaceTime good enough.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I said something about that that physical energy gives the thing.
You know, there's body language, there's a thing just a
warmth and I love the even and a compassion and
an emotional energy that has to be felt side by side,
face to face with parents.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I just but what if that delays it even further?
What if she can't get off.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Already a year at this point, you already screwed this
thing up. So if it's a couple more weekends.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, and I think that kai. What I would say
is they might not react.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Well, if there's the thing, well, oh I was about
to say, they might not react the way you think
they are.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Oh yeah, well, they might react incredibly well, they might
be incredibly supportive.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
They might say, all we care about.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Is your happiness. But let's just say her worst fears
come true, which could absolutely happen, and they aren't happy.
Give them a second, give them a moment to live
with it, to kind of get used to the idea
of it. And then and only when they are ready,
you introduce the boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
But it's gonna be it could possibly be hard when
it does happen, it could be really hard. But every
minute that goes by, extra minute that goes by that
you don't tell them, it gets harder and harder and harder.
The closer you get to an engagement. I mean, the
engagement could have happened by now. Are they delaying because
of this? Possibly? What is she telling this young man?
(21:23):
I want to marry you, but you haven't let me
meet your parents yet. I don't know. They don't even
know about me. Does he even know about that? That's
another rom common scenario I'm sure I've seen recently.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
There are a lot of complicating factors to all of this,
but I think the best way forward, the best way out,
is through, and to get through it, you have to
be honest.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
You have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
And we've talked about this so much, but that has
been my biggest regret when I look back, especially when
it came to our relationships, not being transparent, because when
you don't, when you don't tell your story, someone else will.
Who knows what they're thinking about their daughter, who knows
if they're trying to set her up, who knows what
they have in their mind about what her life, what
her relationship, what her family is going to look like.
(22:08):
And so the sooner she explains to them the path
that she's on, the better off.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
The sooner they're going.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
To be off to a better path period in the future.
About having a non strained relationship, so I just you know,
trust us in.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
The sense that we have walked to that path.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Before, and there's just no place for secret. Secrets always
end badly. Secret relationship, just a secret that you're carrying
with you, you're the one who ends up suffering even
not the people you're keeping it from, but you yourself are suffering,
and perhaps your relationship is too, because imagine you love someone,
you're excited, you think they're the one, but you have
(22:47):
this sense of dread when it comes to that relationship
because you can't be honest with your family about who
you love. That's a really, really tough position to be in,
and I feel for Kai completely. But we would love
for you all to check out this latest edition of
Ask Amy and TG. So please everyone go to Yahoo,
go to the life section, read what Kai had to say.
(23:09):
You can read our full advice there, and then we
urge you please go ahead get on those comments, give
Kai the best advice you have. Maybe some of you
have walked this walk and we don't have that specific
experience of having a family that wants a specific partner
for you. That's a whole other set of parameters and
(23:31):
guidelines that I never had to navigate. So for any
of you who have had to do that, we would
absolutely appreciate your comments. And we'll do another podcast this
week talking about what you our listener and the readers
had to say to Kai.
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