April 16, 2025 • 38 mins
RHONJ's Jennifer Fessler revealed all to us recently about the problems in her marriage, the separation, and the reunion (HERE) …but NOW she’s joined by her husband Jeff, to get his side of the story!
From regrets to reconciliation they let us in on what works and what doesn’t. What has changed since they got back together? Advice for you if you’re on the brink…and don’t know which way to go.
This Jersey couple is telling you how to avoid divorce!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
It's I Do Part two. I'm one of your celebrity mentors,
Jen Fessler from Real Housewives of New Jersey and the
podcast I co host Two Jersey Jays, and this is
very exciting. You all heard me probably tell my story
of how my husband Jeff and I met, got married
and then took a little marriage detour and then found
our way back to each other. So today I am
(00:36):
bringing in my husband, Jeff, because we're going to chat
a little bit more about the part two of it all. Hi,
Jeff Fessler, Hello, how are you doing.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
So let me just tell our listeners that this is
not necessarily your not venue of choice. No, no, So
to know us both is to know that Jeff Fesler
is way more of an intro than I am. And
would you say that that's true.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Situations?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Yeah, I said, really, yes, Well, I mean right, social situations,
work situations. All of a sudden, my husband becomes chatty Cathy,
which has served to annoy me. So yeah, this is
not really your thing, So thank you for joining me.
I will tell you guys though, that being on TV
(01:27):
and part of the Housewives of New Jersey, Jeff has
enjoyed just as much, if not more than I have.
No one really gets it, but right.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Well, yeah, it's a little bit different than what I
do on a daily basis. It is. It's very interesting.
It is.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Jeff's an attorney, right, right, So all right, just to
kind of refresh you, guys, I'll tell you a little
bit in case you haven't heard the story about our marriage, separation, reconciliation.
Jeff jump in at any point if I get anything wrong,
I will so. Uh, seven years into our marriage, which
(02:02):
was so cliche, right, the seven year itch, we hit
a rough patch, right, And I don't know, we were
not communicating, right, We were kind of doing our own
trade young children.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yes, I was working all the time. Yes, And I
was with the two young children. Excuse me, you were
with the two young children.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh? I thought you said you were working with the
two young children.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Oh, you were with the twos.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
I was definitely with the two young children. And I
was kind of doing this cougar thing where and there
were a lot of women who I was friends with
in my town, and for whatever reason, like we were
always going out on Thursday nights, right, getting decked out,
going out for I don't know, birthdays, but also just
(02:49):
to go out and flirt. And I tell you all
about because it's not to justify it. But there was.
So there was some infidelity in our marriage. And it
did actually which no one ever believes it did, start
with Jeff Wessler.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It did.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
It did, so I mean, I don't know, Well, let
me tell you the story first and I'll tell you
the sort of full picture. So that happened, and that
definitely happened.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
So let's just leave it at that. That happened, and
that's it. Just keep moving on. That was not it.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
That was not it. So that happened, and that was
obviously devastating. Sorry dude, but you know you play it. Yes,
for both of us. Yes, we stayed together for a
little while after it happened.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Now, yeah, that's that's that's.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
That was definitely rough. Yes it was. And then at
some point I went to Florida with the kids, not
at some point over the summer that year, for the summer,
and I went to go see my sister, my best friend.
I was like, I'm just going to stay for the summer,
got this, rented this little townhouse and put the kids
(04:05):
in camp with some of their friends, and I just
had myself a good old time. Yeah, I guess, yes,
you weren't there, and I whooped it up and ended
up meeting this guy, nice guy and started something. And
(04:27):
basically Jeff came to visit that summer and I said, listen,
it's over. We no, yes, remember we went to Disney
which with the kids Disney and I.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Was like, I think, yes, it was until December.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
I mean, we stayed together until December. But I remember
that conversation because it was not an easy conversation anyway,
So we were officially separated as of that December. Jeff
moved into the city for March of I don't remember
the dates. I actually think it's very sweet that you
remember the exact everything. So Jeff moved out, moved into
(05:03):
the city, and my boyfriend moved from Florida to New Jersey.
Can I just say, by the way, there's a lot
that went down that I regret, although you know, not
necessarily believe in regrets, but I would do things very
differently today. But so, my boyfriend at the time moved
(05:25):
to New Jersey and Jeff was in the city doing
his thing with his girlfriend and the kids were going
back and forth. And the truth is the entire time
that we were separated. It wasn't I guess what.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Wait wait wait wait, you skipped. So I moved into
the city and then was you know, I was working
and doing whatever, and then I started going out and
then found somebody. It wasn't like, what's the difference. It
wasn't a person. It wasn't the person.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Oh no, oh god, right, No it wasn't. Yes, no,
it definitely wasn't that person. That's a whole other crazy,
that's a whole right. Yes, so, yes, exactly, that's true.
But I will say that the whole time Jeff never
wanted to get separated. No, and so you know, it wasn't.
I don't think it was typical and that like you
(06:18):
look at the p K and or read of it.
All right, well, yeah, you watched Beverly Hills and the
way that they're starting to go after each other. We
just never had that.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
We didn't really even get into the money, right. We
just didn't like when we were like getting we were
going to get divorced, and it wasn't like this.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Well I do remember one thing.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Oh god, is we did you know what enough of you?
Speaker 2 (06:40):
On this point? We did go to a mediator, right,
And it was the only time we went I think
no more than once I went to a mediator and
then you were like, basically, well, this is what I
want this and then she said, well you have to
leave something for him fifty fifty me.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Wait what, Oh, that's true, that's true for him. I
hate that. You remember that?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yes, I blocked remember that.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yeah, so I guess apparently I was being very piggish
about it. But you know, you're scared when you're in
the middle of that. As you can imagine, it's very scary,
very scary to not have worked for you know, seven years,
although I did work part time and not know, you know,
how the future will pan out, and.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And other than gop ones, it's a great weight loss.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh, Jeff, very very skinny, couldn't eat. Yeah, I remember
feeling so badly about that, but you were actually happy
about that part. But we just like we never thought.
I remember once, like the kids were in the car
and they called me to complain about him. I don't
know where you guys were going, but Rachel called and
she was like, Daddy's doing this or whatever, and I'm like, honey,
(07:55):
you got there. You do have the wrong number. You
think that you're going to complain about Jeff Bessler to
me the world's greatest father. So you know, there was
never really this horrible animosity, even with the cheating and
whatever else.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Has gone down, there was something underlying there was we.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Were sad, Yes, we were just both so sad, and
so we would whatever talk on the phone, and I
would tell my boyfriend at the time, like I'm going
to mediation, and I would meet Jeff at Chili's and like,
I'm thinking, I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my husband
(08:37):
on the border. You're right, wasn't there one time, Childias
when we met we saw Leon. No, it wasn't let's
not fight when we saw Leon at the time anyway,
doesn't Friday Okay, Yes, it was TGI Fridays anyway, So
you know, and the guy I was seeing was very
(08:59):
invested in the relationship and we were serious, and you know,
he was very good to me, and Jeff and his
girlfriend were maybe not that serious. I don't know, but
it just wasn't right. Like I just didn't want to
ever pull the plug, and I knew that Jeff didn't,
and my entire family, by the way, I will tell
you this. They all sided with Jeff, which was totally
(09:19):
Jeff was never closer to my mother than during this time.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
No, no, no, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
They all supported him. Everybody, everybody pretty much everywhere our friends.
Why is that? Why do you think that was?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I'm me or you? That's very likable. Oh I'm not
at that point, Maybe you weren't.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Okay, they all I think that they all also they
I guess they knew how badly you wanted to get
back together. So I would say long story short, but
this is turning out to be long story long. We
are on a boat going to Martha's vineyard Nantucket. We
were meeting Jeanine. The kids were with her. Do you
remember this. Yeah, we're on the ferry and I don't
(10:02):
know why we were together, because we weren't at that
point back together. But you said something to me. You're like,
I don't know, you don't understand what like what we're
doing now is such something like is so such a shame?
Shanda is a is a Jewish word for it. But
because our we can be so good and we can
(10:24):
have the best life. Yeah, and that just I don't know,
it resonated with me and so soon after that, I
just got to the point where I was like, I
just want I just want my life back.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Well, it happened when we were the Jamaica.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Wow. I went on vacation with my boyfriend to Saint Bart's,
the most glorious, you know, island in the world, and
Jeff's with the kids to Jamaica, like beaches Jamaica, and
I just wanted to be in Jamaica. Yeah, my husband
and my kids. I feel bad about it, because again,
my boyfriend was a very nice guy, but it you know,
(10:59):
he's right now, so that's okay. Anyway, So we got
back together.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
We did. We did summer two thousand and ten.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
We were separated for how long, like you heard of
a year and a half? Yeah, yeah, so you know,
things definitely have changed in our marriage. We got back
together and we immediately moved out of our house to
another house in the same town that we live in.
We just wanted to kind of move on. The kids,
I will say, we told them all their way at
(11:35):
Sleepway Camp at visiting day and they were so happy.
One thing I never predicted because I come from a
family of lots and lots of divorce. So my parents
have been divorced, not just from each other, but more
than once. And so I don't know why I thought
they got divorced when I was three, and I didn't
(11:56):
predict how I would feel in terms of the kids
and their sadness, because for me, I guess I thought
I had just died. I don't maybe I just didn't remember.
But I don't remember ever being sad about it. It
was just my way of life, you know. And the
kids were so sad, and that was certainly that was
the hardest part watching them miss their dad, and it
broke my heart. And I'm sure anybody who's been divorced,
(12:21):
you know, feels that, of course. But I remember telling
them that we're getting back together on visiting day and
promising them that it would never happen again. Right, I
remember that, and then we left when they got home, right.
I don't know if that was the best time.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
We do a best house.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
They got home, Yes, they got home to a new house.
I don't know if that was the healthiest way to
handle it, but we did the best we could buy
a new house. No, just like, okay, we're getting back together, Okay,
go back to soccer and theater and we'll see you
in three weeks. Wow, it did work out, thankfully, it
did work out. So anyway, that was our journey. So
(13:02):
but let's talk about it what it's like now. So
what would you say has been the biggest change. I mean,
we've been back together for quite some time, we've married
twenty five years. But what do you think is different
than those initial seven.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
We definitely communicate better. And I said that the other day,
but you laughed at me because, oh, come on.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I don't know if that's it. I don't know what
we can do. I mean, I don't even know if
that means I don't remember the first seven years? Do
we not communicate? I mean I guess we were just
so busy doing our own thing.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yes it was working, I mean yes, I mean having
the kids in the house and young at that age,
but we.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Still had the kids in the house.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Not now. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I so you think it was communicating. I feel like
it was just gratitude. The thing is, it was like
getting my best friend.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Back, and it's yeah, it's like it's like I still
think about it.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
You do, sure you'd never ever say that to me.
It tooks podcast for you to say that's me think.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
About it and you're like, you're relieved that you haven't
then go through with that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Well the time, that's a nice thing to say. I
do think about it too, and I think that the
people that love us think about it because they're always
you know, my aunt is always like, you made the
best choice.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Ever through hell when you came out the others.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Yeah, I know a lot of married couples we always
hear saying that you know, you have to date your
spouse and there has to you have to put aside.
I guess some time, I don't know, once a week
to go out on a date. And people always ask me,
(14:41):
like how we got back together and why is it different?
And I mean I don't think that we do that
what date, date night? No, I don't things that were there. No,
I mean we have like well.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Now Fridays and Saturdays maybe now we'll go out, but
during the week no, but.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
It's not even but it's not like a plan data
and plus we're empty nesters, yes, so that's different. But
we never did that. We never had like an official
date night. And the truth is we if we felt
like going out, the night's forced kind of you think
people swear by it. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I mean we do it.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
No, I know what date night? Yeah me, yeah, well
it was forced. Yeah, we're all connecting. I don't actually,
I don't know. I never and the other pieces that
like we would get we get to Saturday night and
half the time, and Jeff is like always excited to
go out and be social because he doesn't get to
during the week and he's just work, work, work, and
(15:40):
I'm just all I want to do on Saturday night
is sit on the couch, which is always what I
want to do every day, sit on the couch and
watch a movie and lay in the bed. So that's okay.
So I'm not, by the way, I'm not advocating for
any of this. We're just telling you what works for us.
So I don't know if you're thinking of a separation
(16:00):
or you're in the middle of one. So, you know,
half the time we make plans and then I feel guilty
because I just don't want to go out right, Yes.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah, we we'll make plans and then at like you know,
four or five o'clock, like, yeah, I don't feel like going.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
I know, and I do feel badly about that. There's
that song though by is it Luke Hombs, Yes, Luke Combs.
What is it called?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Beautiful? Beautiful crazy?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Yes, beautiful crazy. I think that it describes me perfectly,
not the beautiful part.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
The Dutch, the coffee and the whole time.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yes, coffee every morning, wine at night. Anyway, I digress.
So I don't know that we do date night. But
the thing is and also and so Jeff works from home,
maybe Fridays, maybe he's occasionally more than that. So during
the week he's up and like a robot every day
since the day I met him, five thirty. Boom up,
(16:53):
take the shower, do the push ups, get dressed, go
to work, comes home late, usually around what eight o'clock,
comes up stairs, says Hi, goes back downstairs, back to
the office. So I'm always in bed. That's something else
but watching TV and eating or whatever it is I'm doing.
So it's not like we're on top of each other
all week. Talk a couple times during the day on
(17:15):
the phone. I don't know that that's good or bad.
It's just us. It works, It just does, right. Yes,
I don't know why it works, but we don't. We're
not on top of each other all week and even
when you're home working, like we've we come out, we
see each other, back to the office, back to the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Maybe that separation works if we work together like all day.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
If we were together, no, I kill you, right, that
wouldn't work. Yeah, that would definitely. No, it wouldn't work.
We have fun during COVID, I think for stough that's
very true. Yes, yeah, I don't know. I mean that's
and then on the weekends we go out, we don't.
I never feel like. One thing that I love about
you is that I never feel pressed to do anything,
(18:00):
Like You're so easy. Growing up, I all I wanted
to do was like lay in the bed and read books.
And I remember my mom would get so frustrated with me,
and I always had this feeling that I was so lazy.
But you just don't seem to care. You never shave me.
I eat in the bed, you don't care.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
I crumbs get on my side of the bed. I
do care, you know.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
That's I don't know. We don't pressure each other. I
feel like we don't. It's very just kind of like accepting.
And then when something happens during the day, so either
I'm rushing downstairs to the office, to tell you about it,
or you're rushing upstairs to tell me about it. It could
be anything. It could be something about the kids. It
could be something about work. It could be something about
(18:47):
the housewives. Now Jeff is like a reality show aficionado,
which is just weird. Okay, you one hundred percent stop it,
just stop. Really anyway, a couple Okay, he like he's
into the Bachelor, he watches anymore. Anyway, We're not on
(19:08):
top of each other, but we're always kind of connecting,
checking in and we laugh a lot. Like we make
fun of each other a lot. Jeff and I we
have this shtick where and people are always I don't know,
I think it's nice. People are like taken aback by it.
You know what I'm talking about? No, yes, you do.
We give each other all the time. Let me give
(19:31):
each like what make fun of each other. Okay, simmer
down like that, like I don't know, like people that
he walks in the room, I'm like, oh, hello, Jeffrey,
and then he'll he just makes fun of me constantly.
He'll come up to the bedroom and he'll like tuck
(19:51):
me in, like like press it around there, just to
make fun. We make fun of each other a lot.
You know that we do.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Why you lie, that's what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yes, well as opposed to what I don't know. I
don't say you're short and you do.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I do.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Yeah, my daughter is dating someone who is on he's
not short, like you're short on the shorter side. So
I'm constantly like a pant of Jeff being like, why
would you date a short guy? Like what, why aren't
you looking for someone tall and dashing? And I mean
except no, apparently not. Well he's very cute, yeah, her boyfriend,
(20:27):
but anyway, and he's not I don't God forbid, there listening.
He's not short. He's taller than Jack, but he's not tall.
My one requirement when I was dating back in the day,
uh maybe it was fixing me up on a blind date.
I would be like, he doesn't have to be extraordinarily well, well,
it doesn't to be wealthy, es to be ambitious. He
doesn't have to be the life of the party. He
(20:47):
just has to be tall. Well, here you go, miss
down all those my thought. You're very ambitious. Yes I am, okay, yes,
So I don't know. Do you think that the separation
saved our marriage? Like would you do it again?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Could I go through that again? Knowing what I know now?
Speaker 1 (21:10):
No? But yeah it was hell? But do you think
we would be like like you said, you still think
about it. I still think about it. There's so much
gratitude for it.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Not I wouldn't say it's gratitude. I would say it's
it's it's it helped, it helped the relationship. I mean,
would it Maybe maybe this would have happened later Maybe
this would have happened later on and we wouldn't have
been able to go through with it. I don't know
(21:41):
what you're talking about. I don't know. I don't know that.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I am not. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and
I wouldn't want to experience it again.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Said, would go through it again?
Speaker 1 (21:50):
No?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
No, I would.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I'm saying if it was a choice between going through
it or not going through it, because I think our
marriage wouldn't have changed, Like, we wouldn't have had this
attitude necessarily.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
That's correct, right, So.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
We're grateful to have gone through it. Okay, anyway, moving Yes.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Yeah, that's that's I don't know about that.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
I know you don't Sometimes I say to him, I
don't know how you get through your days. He can't
connect the dots. I can't except in work. I don't know.
I don't again. I wouldn't want to go through it again.
But I think that it did change everything. And you, guys,
I don't know whoever's listening. They say that you get
divorced and not for everybody, but when nothing else matters,
(22:37):
like you just can't. You don't care about the money.
You know, you think to yourself, I don't want to
set this example for my kids.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Or you go into the marriage and you know it's
not going to work. Plenty of people have that happen. Say, well,
you go into a marriage and you know it's not
going to work.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Who goes into a marriage and knows it's not going
to Learney like who? I know?
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Other people like who saying but I know it.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Happened well at our back at our So Jeff was
I was thirty one when we got married. Yeah, Jeff
was thirty six, right, and so we were both dying
to get married. I was like my biological clock was ticking,
like I wanted to get knocked up before we walk
down the aisle, just so I could trap him. I
didn't want to backen out right, right? We did. Four
(23:24):
months later we were pregnant, right right. But listen, I'm
not advocating for separation or divorce, but I think it's
not just for us, for the kids. I'm so grateful
that we found our way back. There's something to be
said for having being together for all of these years,
(23:45):
especially I guess when it comes to the kids, right.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
We had the Well, there's other right, there's other celebrity
couples who done the same thing that we got separated,
got separated and came back.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
We're not just FYI, We're not really a celebrity couple,
as much as you like to tell yourself that.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Other celebrity there's there's other examples of this out there.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
So, for instance, Ben Stiller and his wife, I love them,
right right, they separated and got back together. I mean,
I don't know the details of it. Who else as it?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
J Lo and Ben?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yes, but that's not a great example. Thank you, Heather.
I appreciate that, but we're not aspiring to that.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
And I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I mean, it's not easy. I got tons of phone
calls from women in my town after we got back together,
and women that I did not know and saying Hi,
my name is Jane Doe. Your daughter was in preschool
with my daughter. I'm really sorry to bother you, but
do you think we can talk? I'm considering the divorce
or separation and.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You should write a book.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, maybe I'll do a podcast. Why do you write
a book? You write a book, You write a book. So,
I I think that divorce is brutal, and I think
if you think that there's a shot, there is really
something to be said or staying together and it's not perfect.
(25:11):
So let me just say that. People ask all the time,
you know, what is it like? Now? Are you hanging
from the chandeliers?
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Like?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You know? We didn't start, we didn't get back together,
and all of a sudden we're having sex three times
a day and jetting off to exotic locay. Oh, we
travel a lot together. Yes, that's one of our things.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
We did jet off of Vietnam.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
We did recently jet off to Vietnam for our twenty
fifth anniversary. I would highly recommend Vietnam any much anyway,
But I mean it didn't change like that.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
But I think if you can make it work and
think that there is still a chance, I would recommend it.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
I mean yeah, but I mean there's people who should
be divorced, of course, and they know it. Yes, of
course you know this wouldn't work for them, But if
there's still a chance, there's still a possibility you should.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I have friends, I have friends who got divorced, and
I look at it and I think you were going
through very similar things that we were. And I do
think to myself that they probably regret it.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Yeah, they probably do, right, We admit.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
It, and don't think that we're telling anyone what to do.
We're not experts on anything, but well Jeff is an
expert some things, so my more things than you. I
don't know that anyway, But we're not experts on this.
So again, I would just say, it's been.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
My life.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I can't imagine my life if we had gotten divorced.
And I am so proud of us. I agree, yeah too,
that's nice and we have our stuff. That's like, it's
not like our relationship change so dramatically. I think we
got just grateful, like we were always best friends.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
What it is, it's grateful for each other's.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud that you're
my husband. I'm proud that we are have been together
this long. I respect you so much, like I don't.
I feel very lucky to have you for so many reasons.
And stop picking your nails. And that's not one of
(27:28):
the reasons, but I definitely think about that all the time.
And I'm proud of how smart you are. I'm proud
of how hard you work. I'm the most proud of
the kind of father you are. Okay, now it's your turn,
jump in.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
We're not proud you've got this wonderful job with real houseworks.
You are you are and it's great podcast. And no,
I'm actually proud of your achievement, what you've done well.
I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Also, Like we're so used to each other, so when
we travel, for instance, we have the same rhythm, like, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
We probably couldn't travel with other people.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Our friends travel and they travel in groups sometimes and
we've said no, okay he said no, more than I have.
But yeah, we travel. We have the same rhythm. Like
we know we both of us. We get up in
the morning. There's only a certain amount of sight seeing
that we do. We're very centered around our meals. It's
all about breakfast, lunch and dinner. Where are we eating them?
What's where? When?
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Yes, I mean we sight see, but I don't like
to make me crazy.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And everything out, everything out, and we hit those.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Spots and he has to push me sometimes like I'm like, okay,
I cannot do one more museum right or whatever, one
more landmark right?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
And if you don't want to go, and then I'll
go by myself. Yes, and that's fine.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
It's not always fine.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And then I'll come back and I'll tell you about
anybody like, oh, we're in Paris.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Then you wanted to go to what do you call it?
Speaker 2 (29:13):
What Paris?
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You wanted to go to? We were in Paris?
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Oh Normandy, Normandy?
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Sorry, and I was reading it. We're suposed get up
at five o'clock in the morning and go to Normandy.
It was the last thing I felt like doing. I'm
not really it was.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah. We literally flew in, got there early in the
morning to Paris, fell asleep for the entire day, and
then that night couldn't sleep. Nope, and at five am
we really I forget it.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Yep, Well you were like forget it because I have
to say you were going to go I was going
to go. I would have complained the entire time, but
I was going to There's one time that we were
in Charleston, and we loved Charleston. We ended up buying
a house there that we unfortunately recently just sold. But anyway,
we're in Charleston and Jeff wanted to do a historical
tour of the city. And it was hot out and
(30:05):
we got a tour guide and for whatever reason, I
was getting mosquito bites and he was so into it,
and they were walking. Him and our tour guide were
walking ahead of me, and every time he turned around,
I like shot in the bird.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Every time.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Every time.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
I was so furious. I was very angry, I know,
but it was very interesting for Jeff. So I don't care.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
I know she didn't, yes, but like that's part of it.
He does laugh at me, we do. I mean we
laugh at each other.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Yes, we laugh at each other, especially when I trip
and you know.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
When he falls, I die.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
There's nothing better than when he trips and falls. It
doesn't happen that often, but when it does, I love it.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Yeah. Soon I'll be like, you know, in like what
eighteen years, I'll be eighty. I'm a trip and fall
break my head and she'll be there laughing. It's good.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, no, I won't Beau. Then I'll have to take
care of you. Also, this is interesting. I think like
Jeff's parents were together until they both are very very
unfortunately and sadly passed. But I don't think a man
ever loved a woman as much as Max Spessler loved
Philis Spessler. I mean, he was the best example of
(31:18):
a father and a husband. And there are certain things
that he always did that I with phyllis that I
my mother in law that I admired, like he always
always kissed her on the lips hello and goodbye, and
every morning with the my bad breath and the whole thing.
I kiss you goodbye every morning every morning. That's silly,
(31:38):
but like for some reason it's like a thing. He
always brings me coffee when he's home, when I'm home
and when we're wake this morning at the hotel, Like
it's just he goes and gets the coffee every time
and every morning that he's home, and we sit in bed,
especially on the weekends Sunday, we watch Saturday Night Live
and we watch the news Saturdays and Sundays, even Fridays,
(31:59):
you bring.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Me up the path because we can't watch it on
Saturday night because I'm sleeping. Well at five o'clock and
we're having plans, you cancel them. And then we went
up to bed and went to sleep and we missed everything.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Yeah, I sleep a lot, Yes, I can't help it.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
You do sleep a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I do, and he sleeps not at all. Yeah, what
do you think that you're gonna I'm gonna ask you
this question and you're just gonna give me an annoying answer.
But what do you think the what? What are the
keys to having a long lasting marriage. You're gonna say communication,
and I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Throw up a little. I don't know. I mean, do
we fight.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
If we fight, we we don't make sure we're wake
up before we go to bed.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
No, No, I don't care holding grudge all the time
all the time, yes, which I don't like.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Well, I don't know that I'm going to be able
to change that at fifty six years old. Now you
get upset, we go to sleep angry.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Yeah, but then I go to sleep and then you
wake up and you're like it did like nothing around, And.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I do apologizeologize.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
It's not true.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
You give me that face. Sometimes he does this thing
and the kids make fun of to her.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
He's like believed that morning depends, and you're like, and
I'll remind you, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
And sometimes well that's also when I'm drinking at night,
I've had too much wine and we get into a
fight and then I'm like, yeah, I was a bitch
last night, or alternatively, I am mad that's not true
in the morning if I But I do try to
take accountability, so do you.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
That's a key, except that it's never him saying Brick
and Jeffrey and everyone thinks he's a saint.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I am.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
I have to say that's annoying. You are not a saint.
We have very different views when it comes to money.
I believe in spending it. He believes in not spending it.
And that's definitely been a challenge in our marriage, challenge.
It continues to be a challenge. The good news is,
I mean I always I worked. I worked as a recruiter.
Then I started a business, and I certainly didn't make
(34:04):
money off of f major but well now I sort
of am no, Okay, Well, anyway, I have the bus
sales doesn't Jeffrey, it's not a cut cover, okay, shot
f major dot com. That's there were just a lot
of costs. But you were very supportive. But yeah, it
always worked though. But yes, now I'm making some money
(34:25):
and so I feel no obligation to save a dime.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Right, all the glam, the dresses and all that.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
But I'm like, what do you want from me? You
want me to do this.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
I have to do it right, that's your excuse that
that's why you're doing it, because you get dresses every time,
Thank you, an outfit, thank you, thank you. It's like
there's there's rooms with clot with.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
There is we have a couple of rooms. I have
of those things. Yeah, it's crazy, but I'm also I
can also spend on very stupid things. But jeff is
such a saver, so he balanced to their out. It
was up to me, I would have bankrupted us by now.
So we recently discussed on this potter. It's been not weak.
It's been recently discussed on this pot that there is
this topic of being sleep divorced, right, where like couples
(35:10):
who sleep in separate bedrooms have get along better, have
stronger marriages.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
What do you think of that, maybe because it's separation.
Maybe because that's why I go to work. That's why
I'm at work all day.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
You're not why you go to work.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
No, it's not why I go to work, but because
of it.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
But I'm talking about would you be interested in sleeping?
Would you be interested in sleeping in separate bedrooms?
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Me? Neither.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I don't know. People love that, I mean, but we also,
I don't know. You stay on your side. I stay
on my side. I do sometimes in the middle of
the night, get worked up thinking that he might be dead,
and so I kick him sometimes hard.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Yeah, that's something to wake up. That's that's make sure
he's breathing. Or like it's hard enough to go to
sleep than in the middle night to get sleep wake up.
It's like, okay, now I tried.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
I tried to do it too hard, But yeah, I
get nervous or I tend to like be wake up
because I've just riddled with anxiety. So I could feasibly
wake up screaming at some point some nightmare that happens. Yes,
that happens, but I still wouldn't want to sleep in
a different room. Also, when he when you travel, I
(36:18):
hate when you travel and I have to sleep alone
at night. I don't know why, because you are a
very you're a strong man. But if somebody breaks in,
I don't see you being able to fight. I don't
want to insult you, but we have to castle, yes,
but like I can't. So I get so nervous when
you travel. I hate it. Okay, I don't like sleeping alone.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
That's why. That's why there's an alarm whatever.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
But so I don't know. You guys, this is you know,
this is our story. I I always get people that
are just love to hear it because maybe it's encouraging
and I think it's it's interesting. It doesn't happen every day. No,
I mean I do part two. This whole podcast is
(37:05):
about the second time around, and this is our sort
of our second time around.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
The second time around.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
It is a second break. There was a break, well
that's the second time around. Okay, I mean you know, but.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
You did it differently the second time around.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
We did maybe, Yeah, I think it's all it was
just gratitude.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Yes, it's gratitude for what you have and a realization
of what you have. Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Yeah, man, we also again the best friend thing. I
think that's personally more than anything else, is that I
like you. I don't I love you, but I really
like you, and I don't like anybody else the way
I like you like. I am not my friend. I
have really close friends, so I can be my complete
self with but not in the same way we are.
(37:52):
We just I just enjoy you. Not always. Sometimes I
can't stand you, but for the most part. I mean
that's the heart that I think is the strongest.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
I think that is the strongest.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
Yes, anyway, you guys, that's us. That's all the time
we have. But this is us. We love each other
and we love you.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
This is a big date night, first date night we've
had in well, you've.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Been to a workshows. I've never been to one.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, I'd never taken you before. No, you owe me big, right, Okay,
here's the date night.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
All right?
Speaker 1 (38:22):
So, are you thinking about getting back together with your
ex or reconciling after a separation and need some advice?
Call us or email us, follow us on socials. All
the information will be in the show notes. Make sure
to rate and review the podcast please, I do Part
two an iHeart podcast where falling in love is the
main objective.
It's I Do Part two. I'm one of your celebrity mentors,
Jen Fessler from Real Housewives of New Jersey and the
podcast I co host Two Jersey Jays, and this is
very exciting. You all heard me probably tell my story
of how my husband Jeff and I met, got married
and then took a little marriage detour and then found
our way back to each other. So today I am
(00:36):
bringing in my husband, Jeff, because we're going to chat
a little bit more about the part two of it all. Hi,
Jeff Fessler, Hello, how are you doing.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
I'm doing fine.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
So let me just tell our listeners that this is
not necessarily your not venue of choice. No, no, So
to know us both is to know that Jeff Fesler
is way more of an intro than I am. And
would you say that that's true.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Situations?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Yeah, I said, really, yes, Well, I mean right, social situations,
work situations. All of a sudden, my husband becomes chatty Cathy,
which has served to annoy me. So yeah, this is
not really your thing, So thank you for joining me.
I will tell you guys though, that being on TV
(01:27):
and part of the Housewives of New Jersey, Jeff has
enjoyed just as much, if not more than I have.
No one really gets it, but right.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Well, yeah, it's a little bit different than what I
do on a daily basis. It is. It's very interesting.
It is.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Jeff's an attorney, right, right, So all right, just to
kind of refresh you, guys, I'll tell you a little
bit in case you haven't heard the story about our marriage, separation, reconciliation.
Jeff jump in at any point if I get anything wrong,
I will so. Uh, seven years into our marriage, which
(02:02):
was so cliche, right, the seven year itch, we hit
a rough patch, right, And I don't know, we were
not communicating, right, We were kind of doing our own
trade young children.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Yes, I was working all the time. Yes, And I
was with the two young children. Excuse me, you were
with the two young children.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh? I thought you said you were working with the
two young children.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Oh, you were with the twos.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
I was definitely with the two young children. And I
was kind of doing this cougar thing where and there
were a lot of women who I was friends with
in my town, and for whatever reason, like we were
always going out on Thursday nights, right, getting decked out,
going out for I don't know, birthdays, but also just
(02:49):
to go out and flirt. And I tell you all
about because it's not to justify it. But there was.
So there was some infidelity in our marriage. And it
did actually which no one ever believes it did, start
with Jeff Wessler.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
It did.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
It did, so I mean, I don't know, Well, let
me tell you the story first and I'll tell you
the sort of full picture. So that happened, and that
definitely happened.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
So let's just leave it at that. That happened, and
that's it. Just keep moving on. That was not it.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
That was not it. So that happened, and that was
obviously devastating. Sorry dude, but you know you play it. Yes,
for both of us. Yes, we stayed together for a
little while after it happened.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Now, yeah, that's that's that's.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
That was definitely rough. Yes it was. And then at
some point I went to Florida with the kids, not
at some point over the summer that year, for the summer,
and I went to go see my sister, my best friend.
I was like, I'm just going to stay for the summer,
got this, rented this little townhouse and put the kids
(04:05):
in camp with some of their friends, and I just
had myself a good old time. Yeah, I guess, yes,
you weren't there, and I whooped it up and ended
up meeting this guy, nice guy and started something. And
(04:27):
basically Jeff came to visit that summer and I said, listen,
it's over. We no, yes, remember we went to Disney
which with the kids Disney and I.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Was like, I think, yes, it was until December.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
I mean, we stayed together until December. But I remember
that conversation because it was not an easy conversation anyway,
So we were officially separated as of that December. Jeff
moved into the city for March of I don't remember
the dates. I actually think it's very sweet that you
remember the exact everything. So Jeff moved out, moved into
(05:03):
the city, and my boyfriend moved from Florida to New Jersey.
Can I just say, by the way, there's a lot
that went down that I regret, although you know, not
necessarily believe in regrets, but I would do things very
differently today. But so, my boyfriend at the time moved
(05:25):
to New Jersey and Jeff was in the city doing
his thing with his girlfriend and the kids were going
back and forth. And the truth is the entire time
that we were separated. It wasn't I guess what.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Wait wait wait wait, you skipped. So I moved into
the city and then was you know, I was working
and doing whatever, and then I started going out and
then found somebody. It wasn't like, what's the difference. It
wasn't a person. It wasn't the person.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Oh no, oh god, right, No it wasn't. Yes, no,
it definitely wasn't that person. That's a whole other crazy,
that's a whole right. Yes, so, yes, exactly, that's true.
But I will say that the whole time Jeff never
wanted to get separated. No, and so you know, it wasn't.
I don't think it was typical and that like you
(06:18):
look at the p K and or read of it.
All right, well, yeah, you watched Beverly Hills and the
way that they're starting to go after each other. We
just never had that.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
We didn't really even get into the money, right. We
just didn't like when we were like getting we were
going to get divorced, and it wasn't like this.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Well I do remember one thing.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Oh god, is we did you know what enough of you?
Speaker 2 (06:40):
On this point? We did go to a mediator, right,
And it was the only time we went I think
no more than once I went to a mediator and
then you were like, basically, well, this is what I
want this and then she said, well you have to
leave something for him fifty fifty me.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Wait what, Oh, that's true, that's true for him. I
hate that. You remember that?
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yes, I blocked remember that.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yeah, so I guess apparently I was being very piggish
about it. But you know, you're scared when you're in
the middle of that. As you can imagine, it's very scary,
very scary to not have worked for you know, seven years,
although I did work part time and not know, you know,
how the future will pan out, and.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And other than gop ones, it's a great weight loss.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh, Jeff, very very skinny, couldn't eat. Yeah, I remember
feeling so badly about that, but you were actually happy
about that part. But we just like we never thought.
I remember once, like the kids were in the car
and they called me to complain about him. I don't
know where you guys were going, but Rachel called and
she was like, Daddy's doing this or whatever, and I'm like, honey,
(07:55):
you got there. You do have the wrong number. You
think that you're going to complain about Jeff Bessler to
me the world's greatest father. So you know, there was
never really this horrible animosity, even with the cheating and
whatever else.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Has gone down, there was something underlying there was we.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Were sad, Yes, we were just both so sad, and
so we would whatever talk on the phone, and I
would tell my boyfriend at the time, like I'm going
to mediation, and I would meet Jeff at Chili's and like,
I'm thinking, I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my husband
(08:37):
on the border. You're right, wasn't there one time, Childias
when we met we saw Leon. No, it wasn't let's
not fight when we saw Leon at the time anyway,
doesn't Friday Okay, Yes, it was TGI Fridays anyway, So
you know, and the guy I was seeing was very
(08:59):
invested in the relationship and we were serious, and you know,
he was very good to me, and Jeff and his
girlfriend were maybe not that serious. I don't know, but
it just wasn't right. Like I just didn't want to
ever pull the plug, and I knew that Jeff didn't,
and my entire family, by the way, I will tell
you this. They all sided with Jeff, which was totally
(09:19):
Jeff was never closer to my mother than during this time.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
No, no, no, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
They all supported him. Everybody, everybody pretty much everywhere our friends.
Why is that? Why do you think that was?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
I'm me or you? That's very likable. Oh I'm not
at that point, Maybe you weren't.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Okay, they all I think that they all also they
I guess they knew how badly you wanted to get
back together. So I would say long story short, but
this is turning out to be long story long. We
are on a boat going to Martha's vineyard Nantucket. We
were meeting Jeanine. The kids were with her. Do you
remember this. Yeah, we're on the ferry and I don't
(10:02):
know why we were together, because we weren't at that
point back together. But you said something to me. You're like,
I don't know, you don't understand what like what we're
doing now is such something like is so such a shame?
Shanda is a is a Jewish word for it. But
because our we can be so good and we can
(10:24):
have the best life. Yeah, and that just I don't know,
it resonated with me and so soon after that, I
just got to the point where I was like, I
just want I just want my life back.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Well, it happened when we were the Jamaica.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Wow. I went on vacation with my boyfriend to Saint Bart's,
the most glorious, you know, island in the world, and
Jeff's with the kids to Jamaica, like beaches Jamaica, and
I just wanted to be in Jamaica. Yeah, my husband
and my kids. I feel bad about it, because again,
my boyfriend was a very nice guy, but it you know,
(10:59):
he's right now, so that's okay. Anyway, So we got
back together.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
We did. We did summer two thousand and ten.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
We were separated for how long, like you heard of
a year and a half? Yeah, yeah, so you know,
things definitely have changed in our marriage. We got back
together and we immediately moved out of our house to
another house in the same town that we live in.
We just wanted to kind of move on. The kids,
I will say, we told them all their way at
(11:35):
Sleepway Camp at visiting day and they were so happy.
One thing I never predicted because I come from a
family of lots and lots of divorce. So my parents
have been divorced, not just from each other, but more
than once. And so I don't know why I thought
they got divorced when I was three, and I didn't
(11:56):
predict how I would feel in terms of the kids
and their sadness, because for me, I guess I thought
I had just died. I don't maybe I just didn't remember.
But I don't remember ever being sad about it. It
was just my way of life, you know. And the
kids were so sad, and that was certainly that was
the hardest part watching them miss their dad, and it
broke my heart. And I'm sure anybody who's been divorced,
(12:21):
you know, feels that, of course. But I remember telling
them that we're getting back together on visiting day and
promising them that it would never happen again. Right, I
remember that, and then we left when they got home, right.
I don't know if that was the best time.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
We do a best house.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
They got home, Yes, they got home to a new house.
I don't know if that was the healthiest way to
handle it, but we did the best we could buy
a new house. No, just like, okay, we're getting back together, Okay,
go back to soccer and theater and we'll see you
in three weeks. Wow, it did work out, thankfully, it
did work out. So anyway, that was our journey. So
(13:02):
but let's talk about it what it's like now. So
what would you say has been the biggest change. I mean,
we've been back together for quite some time, we've married
twenty five years. But what do you think is different
than those initial seven.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
We definitely communicate better. And I said that the other day,
but you laughed at me because, oh, come on.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
I don't know if that's it. I don't know what
we can do. I mean, I don't even know if
that means I don't remember the first seven years? Do
we not communicate? I mean I guess we were just
so busy doing our own thing.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yes it was working, I mean yes, I mean having
the kids in the house and young at that age,
but we.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Still had the kids in the house.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Not now. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
I so you think it was communicating. I feel like
it was just gratitude. The thing is, it was like
getting my best friend.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Back, and it's yeah, it's like it's like I still
think about it.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
You do, sure you'd never ever say that to me.
It tooks podcast for you to say that's me think.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
About it and you're like, you're relieved that you haven't
then go through with that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Well the time, that's a nice thing to say. I
do think about it too, and I think that the
people that love us think about it because they're always
you know, my aunt is always like, you made the
best choice.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Ever through hell when you came out the others.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Yeah, I know a lot of married couples we always
hear saying that you know, you have to date your
spouse and there has to you have to put aside.
I guess some time, I don't know, once a week
to go out on a date. And people always ask me,
(14:41):
like how we got back together and why is it different?
And I mean I don't think that we do that
what date, date night? No, I don't things that were there. No,
I mean we have like well.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
Now Fridays and Saturdays maybe now we'll go out, but
during the week no, but.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
It's not even but it's not like a plan data
and plus we're empty nesters, yes, so that's different. But
we never did that. We never had like an official
date night. And the truth is we if we felt
like going out, the night's forced kind of you think
people swear by it. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I mean we do it.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
No, I know what date night? Yeah me, yeah, well
it was forced. Yeah, we're all connecting. I don't actually,
I don't know. I never and the other pieces that
like we would get we get to Saturday night and
half the time, and Jeff is like always excited to
go out and be social because he doesn't get to
during the week and he's just work, work, work, and
(15:40):
I'm just all I want to do on Saturday night
is sit on the couch, which is always what I
want to do every day, sit on the couch and
watch a movie and lay in the bed. So that's okay.
So I'm not, by the way, I'm not advocating for
any of this. We're just telling you what works for us.
So I don't know if you're thinking of a separation
(16:00):
or you're in the middle of one. So, you know,
half the time we make plans and then I feel guilty
because I just don't want to go out right, Yes.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah, we we'll make plans and then at like you know,
four or five o'clock, like, yeah, I don't feel like going.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
I know, and I do feel badly about that. There's
that song though by is it Luke Hombs, Yes, Luke Combs.
What is it called?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Beautiful? Beautiful crazy?
Speaker 1 (16:26):
Yes, beautiful crazy. I think that it describes me perfectly,
not the beautiful part.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
The Dutch, the coffee and the whole time.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yes, coffee every morning, wine at night. Anyway, I digress.
So I don't know that we do date night. But
the thing is and also and so Jeff works from home,
maybe Fridays, maybe he's occasionally more than that. So during
the week he's up and like a robot every day
since the day I met him, five thirty. Boom up,
(16:53):
take the shower, do the push ups, get dressed, go
to work, comes home late, usually around what eight o'clock,
comes up stairs, says Hi, goes back downstairs, back to
the office. So I'm always in bed. That's something else
but watching TV and eating or whatever it is I'm doing.
So it's not like we're on top of each other
all week. Talk a couple times during the day on
(17:15):
the phone. I don't know that that's good or bad.
It's just us. It works, It just does, right. Yes,
I don't know why it works, but we don't. We're
not on top of each other all week and even
when you're home working, like we've we come out, we
see each other, back to the office, back to the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Maybe that separation works if we work together like all day.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
If we were together, no, I kill you, right, that
wouldn't work. Yeah, that would definitely. No, it wouldn't work.
We have fun during COVID, I think for stough that's
very true. Yes, yeah, I don't know. I mean that's
and then on the weekends we go out, we don't.
I never feel like. One thing that I love about
you is that I never feel pressed to do anything,
(18:00):
Like You're so easy. Growing up, I all I wanted
to do was like lay in the bed and read books.
And I remember my mom would get so frustrated with me,
and I always had this feeling that I was so lazy.
But you just don't seem to care. You never shave me.
I eat in the bed, you don't care.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
I crumbs get on my side of the bed. I
do care, you know.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
That's I don't know. We don't pressure each other. I
feel like we don't. It's very just kind of like accepting.
And then when something happens during the day, so either
I'm rushing downstairs to the office, to tell you about it,
or you're rushing upstairs to tell me about it. It could
be anything. It could be something about the kids. It
could be something about work. It could be something about
(18:47):
the housewives. Now Jeff is like a reality show aficionado,
which is just weird. Okay, you one hundred percent stop it,
just stop. Really anyway, a couple Okay, he like he's
into the Bachelor, he watches anymore. Anyway, We're not on
(19:08):
top of each other, but we're always kind of connecting,
checking in and we laugh a lot. Like we make
fun of each other a lot. Jeff and I we
have this shtick where and people are always I don't know,
I think it's nice. People are like taken aback by it.
You know what I'm talking about? No, yes, you do.
We give each other all the time. Let me give
(19:31):
each like what make fun of each other. Okay, simmer
down like that, like I don't know, like people that
he walks in the room, I'm like, oh, hello, Jeffrey,
and then he'll he just makes fun of me constantly.
He'll come up to the bedroom and he'll like tuck
(19:51):
me in, like like press it around there, just to
make fun. We make fun of each other a lot.
You know that we do.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Why you lie, that's what you're talking about.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yes, well as opposed to what I don't know. I
don't say you're short and you do.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I do.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Yeah, my daughter is dating someone who is on he's
not short, like you're short on the shorter side. So
I'm constantly like a pant of Jeff being like, why
would you date a short guy? Like what, why aren't
you looking for someone tall and dashing? And I mean
except no, apparently not. Well he's very cute, yeah, her boyfriend,
(20:27):
but anyway, and he's not I don't God forbid, there listening.
He's not short. He's taller than Jack, but he's not tall.
My one requirement when I was dating back in the day,
uh maybe it was fixing me up on a blind date.
I would be like, he doesn't have to be extraordinarily well, well,
it doesn't to be wealthy, es to be ambitious. He
doesn't have to be the life of the party. He
(20:47):
just has to be tall. Well, here you go, miss
down all those my thought. You're very ambitious. Yes I am, okay, yes,
So I don't know. Do you think that the separation
saved our marriage? Like would you do it again?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Could I go through that again? Knowing what I know now?
Speaker 1 (21:10):
No? But yeah it was hell? But do you think
we would be like like you said, you still think
about it. I still think about it. There's so much
gratitude for it.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Not I wouldn't say it's gratitude. I would say it's
it's it's it helped, it helped the relationship. I mean,
would it Maybe maybe this would have happened later Maybe
this would have happened later on and we wouldn't have
been able to go through with it. I don't know
(21:41):
what you're talking about. I don't know. I don't know that.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I am not. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and
I wouldn't want to experience it again.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Said, would go through it again?
Speaker 1 (21:50):
No?
Speaker 2 (21:50):
No, I would.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I'm saying if it was a choice between going through
it or not going through it, because I think our
marriage wouldn't have changed, Like, we wouldn't have had this
attitude necessarily.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
That's correct, right, So.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
We're grateful to have gone through it. Okay, anyway, moving Yes.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Yeah, that's that's I don't know about that.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
I know you don't Sometimes I say to him, I
don't know how you get through your days. He can't
connect the dots. I can't except in work. I don't know.
I don't again. I wouldn't want to go through it again.
But I think that it did change everything. And you, guys,
I don't know whoever's listening. They say that you get
divorced and not for everybody, but when nothing else matters,
(22:37):
like you just can't. You don't care about the money.
You know, you think to yourself, I don't want to
set this example for my kids.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Or you go into the marriage and you know it's
not going to work. Plenty of people have that happen. Say, well,
you go into a marriage and you know it's not
going to work.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Who goes into a marriage and knows it's not going
to Learney like who? I know?
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Other people like who saying but I know it.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Happened well at our back at our So Jeff was
I was thirty one when we got married. Yeah, Jeff
was thirty six, right, and so we were both dying
to get married. I was like my biological clock was ticking,
like I wanted to get knocked up before we walk
down the aisle, just so I could trap him. I
didn't want to backen out right, right? We did. Four
(23:24):
months later we were pregnant, right right. But listen, I'm
not advocating for separation or divorce, but I think it's
not just for us, for the kids. I'm so grateful
that we found our way back. There's something to be
said for having being together for all of these years,
(23:45):
especially I guess when it comes to the kids, right.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
We had the Well, there's other right, there's other celebrity
couples who done the same thing that we got separated,
got separated and came back.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
We're not just FYI, We're not really a celebrity couple,
as much as you like to tell yourself that.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Other celebrity there's there's other examples of this out there.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
So, for instance, Ben Stiller and his wife, I love them,
right right, they separated and got back together. I mean,
I don't know the details of it. Who else as it?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
J Lo and Ben?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yes, but that's not a great example. Thank you, Heather.
I appreciate that, but we're not aspiring to that.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
And I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I mean, it's not easy. I got tons of phone
calls from women in my town after we got back together,
and women that I did not know and saying Hi,
my name is Jane Doe. Your daughter was in preschool
with my daughter. I'm really sorry to bother you, but
do you think we can talk? I'm considering the divorce
or separation and.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
You should write a book.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, maybe I'll do a podcast. Why do you write
a book? You write a book, You write a book. So,
I I think that divorce is brutal, and I think
if you think that there's a shot, there is really
something to be said or staying together and it's not perfect.
(25:11):
So let me just say that. People ask all the time,
you know, what is it like? Now? Are you hanging
from the chandeliers?
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Like?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You know? We didn't start, we didn't get back together,
and all of a sudden we're having sex three times
a day and jetting off to exotic locay. Oh, we
travel a lot together. Yes, that's one of our things.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
We did jet off of Vietnam.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
We did recently jet off to Vietnam for our twenty
fifth anniversary. I would highly recommend Vietnam any much anyway,
But I mean it didn't change like that.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
But I think if you can make it work and
think that there is still a chance, I would recommend it.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
I mean yeah, but I mean there's people who should
be divorced, of course, and they know it. Yes, of
course you know this wouldn't work for them, But if
there's still a chance, there's still a possibility you should.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I have friends, I have friends who got divorced, and
I look at it and I think you were going
through very similar things that we were. And I do
think to myself that they probably regret it.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Yeah, they probably do, right, We admit.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
It, and don't think that we're telling anyone what to do.
We're not experts on anything, but well Jeff is an
expert some things, so my more things than you. I
don't know that anyway, But we're not experts on this.
So again, I would just say, it's been.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
My life.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I can't imagine my life if we had gotten divorced.
And I am so proud of us. I agree, yeah too,
that's nice and we have our stuff. That's like, it's
not like our relationship change so dramatically. I think we
got just grateful, like we were always best friends.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
What it is, it's grateful for each other's.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud that you're
my husband. I'm proud that we are have been together
this long. I respect you so much, like I don't.
I feel very lucky to have you for so many reasons.
And stop picking your nails. And that's not one of
(27:28):
the reasons, but I definitely think about that all the time.
And I'm proud of how smart you are. I'm proud
of how hard you work. I'm the most proud of
the kind of father you are. Okay, now it's your turn,
jump in.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
We're not proud you've got this wonderful job with real houseworks.
You are you are and it's great podcast. And no,
I'm actually proud of your achievement, what you've done well.
I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Also, Like we're so used to each other, so when
we travel, for instance, we have the same rhythm, like, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
We probably couldn't travel with other people.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Our friends travel and they travel in groups sometimes and
we've said no, okay he said no, more than I have.
But yeah, we travel. We have the same rhythm. Like
we know we both of us. We get up in
the morning. There's only a certain amount of sight seeing
that we do. We're very centered around our meals. It's
all about breakfast, lunch and dinner. Where are we eating them?
What's where? When?
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Yes, I mean we sight see, but I don't like
to make me crazy.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And everything out, everything out, and we hit those.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Spots and he has to push me sometimes like I'm like, okay,
I cannot do one more museum right or whatever, one
more landmark right?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
And if you don't want to go, and then I'll
go by myself. Yes, and that's fine.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
It's not always fine.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And then I'll come back and I'll tell you about
anybody like, oh, we're in Paris.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Then you wanted to go to what do you call it?
Speaker 2 (29:13):
What Paris?
Speaker 1 (29:14):
You wanted to go to? We were in Paris?
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Oh Normandy, Normandy?
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Sorry, and I was reading it. We're suposed get up
at five o'clock in the morning and go to Normandy.
It was the last thing I felt like doing. I'm
not really it was.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah. We literally flew in, got there early in the
morning to Paris, fell asleep for the entire day, and
then that night couldn't sleep. Nope, and at five am
we really I forget it.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Yep, Well you were like forget it because I have
to say you were going to go I was going
to go. I would have complained the entire time, but
I was going to There's one time that we were
in Charleston, and we loved Charleston. We ended up buying
a house there that we unfortunately recently just sold. But anyway,
we're in Charleston and Jeff wanted to do a historical
tour of the city. And it was hot out and
(30:05):
we got a tour guide and for whatever reason, I
was getting mosquito bites and he was so into it,
and they were walking. Him and our tour guide were
walking ahead of me, and every time he turned around,
I like shot in the bird.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
Every time.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Every time.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
I was so furious. I was very angry, I know,
but it was very interesting for Jeff. So I don't care.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
I know she didn't, yes, but like that's part of it.
He does laugh at me, we do. I mean we
laugh at each other.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Yes, we laugh at each other, especially when I trip
and you know.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
When he falls, I die.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
There's nothing better than when he trips and falls. It
doesn't happen that often, but when it does, I love it.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Yeah. Soon I'll be like, you know, in like what
eighteen years, I'll be eighty. I'm a trip and fall
break my head and she'll be there laughing. It's good.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, no, I won't Beau. Then I'll have to take
care of you. Also, this is interesting. I think like
Jeff's parents were together until they both are very very
unfortunately and sadly passed. But I don't think a man
ever loved a woman as much as Max Spessler loved
Philis Spessler. I mean, he was the best example of
(31:18):
a father and a husband. And there are certain things
that he always did that I with phyllis that I
my mother in law that I admired, like he always
always kissed her on the lips hello and goodbye, and
every morning with the my bad breath and the whole thing.
I kiss you goodbye every morning every morning. That's silly,
(31:38):
but like for some reason it's like a thing. He
always brings me coffee when he's home, when I'm home
and when we're wake this morning at the hotel, Like
it's just he goes and gets the coffee every time
and every morning that he's home, and we sit in bed,
especially on the weekends Sunday, we watch Saturday Night Live
and we watch the news Saturdays and Sundays, even Fridays,
(31:59):
you bring.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Me up the path because we can't watch it on
Saturday night because I'm sleeping. Well at five o'clock and
we're having plans, you cancel them. And then we went
up to bed and went to sleep and we missed everything.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Yeah, I sleep a lot, Yes, I can't help it.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
You do sleep a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
I do, and he sleeps not at all. Yeah, what
do you think that you're gonna I'm gonna ask you
this question and you're just gonna give me an annoying answer.
But what do you think the what? What are the
keys to having a long lasting marriage. You're gonna say communication,
and I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Throw up a little. I don't know. I mean, do
we fight.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
If we fight, we we don't make sure we're wake
up before we go to bed.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
No, No, I don't care holding grudge all the time
all the time, yes, which I don't like.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
Well, I don't know that I'm going to be able
to change that at fifty six years old. Now you
get upset, we go to sleep angry.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Yeah, but then I go to sleep and then you
wake up and you're like it did like nothing around, And.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I do apologizeologize.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
It's not true.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
You give me that face. Sometimes he does this thing
and the kids make fun of to her.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
He's like believed that morning depends, and you're like, and
I'll remind you, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
And sometimes well that's also when I'm drinking at night,
I've had too much wine and we get into a
fight and then I'm like, yeah, I was a bitch
last night, or alternatively, I am mad that's not true
in the morning if I But I do try to
take accountability, so do you.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
That's a key, except that it's never him saying Brick
and Jeffrey and everyone thinks he's a saint.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
I am.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
I have to say that's annoying. You are not a saint.
We have very different views when it comes to money.
I believe in spending it. He believes in not spending it.
And that's definitely been a challenge in our marriage, challenge.
It continues to be a challenge. The good news is,
I mean I always I worked. I worked as a recruiter.
Then I started a business, and I certainly didn't make
(34:04):
money off of f major but well now I sort
of am no, Okay, Well, anyway, I have the bus
sales doesn't Jeffrey, it's not a cut cover, okay, shot
f major dot com. That's there were just a lot
of costs. But you were very supportive. But yeah, it
always worked though. But yes, now I'm making some money
(34:25):
and so I feel no obligation to save a dime.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Right, all the glam, the dresses and all that.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
But I'm like, what do you want from me? You
want me to do this.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
I have to do it right, that's your excuse that
that's why you're doing it, because you get dresses every time,
Thank you, an outfit, thank you, thank you. It's like
there's there's rooms with clot with.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
There is we have a couple of rooms. I have
of those things. Yeah, it's crazy, but I'm also I
can also spend on very stupid things. But jeff is
such a saver, so he balanced to their out. It
was up to me, I would have bankrupted us by now.
So we recently discussed on this potter. It's been not weak.
It's been recently discussed on this pot that there is
this topic of being sleep divorced, right, where like couples
(35:10):
who sleep in separate bedrooms have get along better, have
stronger marriages.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
What do you think of that, maybe because it's separation.
Maybe because that's why I go to work. That's why
I'm at work all day.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
You're not why you go to work.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
No, it's not why I go to work, but because
of it.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
But I'm talking about would you be interested in sleeping?
Would you be interested in sleeping in separate bedrooms?
Speaker 2 (35:31):
Me? Neither.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I don't know. People love that, I mean, but we also,
I don't know. You stay on your side. I stay
on my side. I do sometimes in the middle of
the night, get worked up thinking that he might be dead,
and so I kick him sometimes hard.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Yeah, that's something to wake up. That's that's make sure
he's breathing. Or like it's hard enough to go to
sleep than in the middle night to get sleep wake up.
It's like, okay, now I tried.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
I tried to do it too hard, But yeah, I
get nervous or I tend to like be wake up
because I've just riddled with anxiety. So I could feasibly
wake up screaming at some point some nightmare that happens. Yes,
that happens, but I still wouldn't want to sleep in
a different room. Also, when he when you travel, I
(36:18):
hate when you travel and I have to sleep alone
at night. I don't know why, because you are a
very you're a strong man. But if somebody breaks in,
I don't see you being able to fight. I don't
want to insult you, but we have to castle, yes,
but like I can't. So I get so nervous when
you travel. I hate it. Okay, I don't like sleeping alone.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
That's why. That's why there's an alarm whatever.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
But so I don't know. You guys, this is you know,
this is our story. I I always get people that
are just love to hear it because maybe it's encouraging
and I think it's it's interesting. It doesn't happen every day. No,
I mean I do part two. This whole podcast is
(37:05):
about the second time around, and this is our sort
of our second time around.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
The second time around.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
It is a second break. There was a break, well
that's the second time around. Okay, I mean you know, but.
Speaker 2 (37:19):
You did it differently the second time around.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
We did maybe, Yeah, I think it's all it was
just gratitude.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Yes, it's gratitude for what you have and a realization
of what you have. Yes.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Yeah, man, we also again the best friend thing. I
think that's personally more than anything else, is that I
like you. I don't I love you, but I really
like you, and I don't like anybody else the way
I like you like. I am not my friend. I
have really close friends, so I can be my complete
self with but not in the same way we are.
(37:52):
We just I just enjoy you. Not always. Sometimes I
can't stand you, but for the most part. I mean
that's the heart that I think is the strongest.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
I think that is the strongest.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
Yes, anyway, you guys, that's us. That's all the time
we have. But this is us. We love each other
and we love you.
Speaker 2 (38:10):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
This is a big date night, first date night we've
had in well, you've.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Been to a workshows. I've never been to one.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, I'd never taken you before. No, you owe me big, right, Okay,
here's the date night.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
All right?
Speaker 1 (38:22):
So, are you thinking about getting back together with your
ex or reconciling after a separation and need some advice?
Call us or email us, follow us on socials. All
the information will be in the show notes. Make sure
to rate and review the podcast please, I do Part
two an iHeart podcast where falling in love is the
main objective.
Hosts And Creators
Ben Higgins
Ashley Iaconetti
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