February 16, 2023 • 39 mins
Ben and Ashley catch up with Jade Roper Tolbert and she doesn’t hold anything back when talking about her marriage to Tanner.
Find out why they just made it out of the hardest year in their relationship, and how they reset their marriage before things got worse!
Plus, we discuss why Jade would be the villain if she was on The Bachelor today!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Benn and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with our radio. Well, one of our favorites. Somebody that
doesn't come around enough on the Almost Famous podcast, I
would say, um, especially for someone who actually still watches
the show continuously every single week. Yeah, and she's married
to somebody I bet still watch the show anyways. Jade
(00:23):
is here with us today. Hello Jade, Hello, thank you
for having me. Well, Jade, we should actually have you
on to recap an episode sometime. Yeah, totally. I Like
I was telling you, I just finished, um, last night's
episode or whatever, this week's episode of the Bachelor. So
we do still watch it. Yeah, and Tanner still watches too,
(00:43):
because no one loves reality TV more than Tanner. And
Tanner was a fan of the show. If you guys
don't know beforehand, and he was called on Ben season
Caitlin season as the Bachelor encyclopedia, and guys would go
to Tanner they wanted to, like foresee what their next
next move was going to be. Yeah, he would be like,
(01:05):
this is week four, guys, so that means this is happening, Ben,
Do you have any of those memories? I have all
those memories. In fact, Tanner was a very calming force
because of his knowledge of the show and his fandom
of the show, and kind of like we talked about
on this week's episode, Ashley, I actually have a theory
(01:27):
about Tanner and I were talking about it. J tell
me if you think I'm right. After watching the show
and knowing Tanner very well, Um, I actually think Tanner
would be a villain today because I think he spoke
so much about the show and what would happen next
and kind of like maybe the strategy of the show.
I actually think Tanner, even though he's about as least
(01:48):
villainous of a person as possible, he would have been
a villain today. I think so he is not afraid
to do like hot takes. You know, he would give
the Reducers what they wanted and a t M s
about people, and he has a sarcastic side that can
come off a little like direct So I think that
(02:09):
they could have easily edit edited him into that or
nowadays people just wouldn't see that as funny anymore, exactly
like the guys. The guys would have reacted like, oh,
he's here because he's a fan of the show. He's
not here to actually find somebody, and then Tanner would
have been the type of guy that you could have
like honestly sat with him, been like, Tanner, what happens
(02:30):
to people when they get off this show? Like I
have no idea like what life looks like. And he'd
be like, Oh, you're gonna get a ton of Instagram
followers and you're gonna he would say it, and yeah, nowadays,
I think somebody would hear that, hear that and be
so sensitive to it. They'd be like, that guy is
not here for the right reasons. Where when we were there,
Tanner was a friend all and we just had to
blast with him. Yeah. I think now like because of
(02:53):
social media, it definitely changes the whole landscape of that.
Because when we were on the only Followers You've got out,
we're Twitter followers and we talked about Twitter followers. I
think there was no this like social media job that existed.
So I think nowadays he would just be he probably
would just be very honest and upfront and say, yeah,
this is probably what would happen for you, and they
(03:15):
could definitely run people the wrong way. I just have
that theory now, um, which is kind of funny. If
you know Tanner because you're like, there's no way this
dude would have been like the villain on a season anyways. Um, yes,
Uh so you are married the Tanner still happily seven
seven years happily married. You know what I will say,
(03:37):
I'm like an honest person to marriage is hard, and
we've definitely had ebbs and flows. There's been hard years,
and I think last year was a hard year for us,
and but I feel like we've kind of we had
a reset and so things have been really smooth as
of like I want to say, like November December. But
there were some hard stuff we went through last year.
(03:59):
Can I dig into that for just a second, because
I know Ashley in about five minutes is gonna be
like question af your question that I really know the
answer to, but I want to ask for the sake
of the audience. Yeah, she's and once she starts, she's
just gonna go. And so I'm gonna try to get
some in here. Uh, Jade, I've only been married now
(04:19):
for a year, in three months, three months as of
two days ago. Uh, so far marriage has been hard.
It's hard in its own way for us. Communication, especially
how I communicate, has caused issues. What I don't say,
and I just think and I hold on to and
(04:40):
UM try to suppress, and then sometimes it doesn't actually suppress,
and it kind of like bubbles up at some point,
like those are my issues that I'm dealing with. UM.
But we're I think Jessica and I are finding a
rhythm to um to get back to like a balance
and get back to being good. We're trying to figure
out how to do that quicker than we used to maybe.
(05:02):
Uh So for you, you've been married for seven years.
You said last year was a hard year. If you
don't mind me asking, uh, as much as you can
share what caused it to be a difficult year for
the two of you, and then how do you work
to a place of health again in your relationship? Yeah,
that's hard, right, UM. I think it's hard because two
(05:22):
people come into a marriage with all of their baggage
packed at the door. Right. You know, we each have
our own childhood upbringings, We've each had our own life
experiences and those have really shaped us as people. And
then we bring them in and we try to make
them work with somebody else who may not completely ever
understand whatever you've been through as much as they try to,
(05:44):
and we all require different needs and things to feel loved,
and I think that's hard sometimes. And so I think
like for us last year, I went through, um some
like job changes that were really hard. I switched agencies,
which was really hard for me, UM because of like
personal reasons, and UM, I question a lot of like
(06:08):
my identity, and I think that I just was kind
of searching for that. And Sannar he really went on
like his own growth journey with some stuff that he
was going through with his family. And sometimes when you're
like going through that stuff, you may like make mistakes
or do like we have reactions that aren't necessarily healthy
(06:29):
because they're coming from a hurt place. And so for us,
I think it was just coming to the point of like,
if you're still in this willing to grow, and I'm
willing to grow, then like that's all you can ask for, right,
So I think it was kind of like as long
as we're still growing and you're gonna start, you know,
(06:52):
you have your stuff you want to heal on, and
I have my stuff I'm gonna heal on. We're gonna
give each other compassion through this. And I think that's
kind know what got us through it. UM, but therapy
therapy helps, UM, couples therapy or individual therapy individual individual.
I think, UM, we eventually would do couples therapy just
(07:15):
because I think therapy is so healthy, but we did
more individual and I think that that this like past
year hitting your six in our marriage, it was just
it was just something that we both were kind of
going through individually and and so it was hard to
understand each other and how to show up for each other. UM.
But the individual therapy, we would come back to each
(07:38):
other and share, and we learned things about each other,
UM that we never knew, And I think there was
so much deeper understanding about each other and how to
kind of heal together. There's this meme going on meme.
(08:03):
It's a trend going around and Amanda Stanton and Becca
Martinez they comment on commented on it, and I feel
like you probably saw it too. So the trend goes
like this, it's a couple before they had kids, like
back in their camera role. They found like a cute
clip of them, and then it fast forwards to when
they have kids and they're like walking ships in the night.
(08:24):
Did you see it, Jade? I did, Yeah, and I
saw it and I laughed because of like accuracy, right,
And then I see Becca and Amanda's take on it,
and they're both like, this is not something we should
really be laughing at. Kids don't ruin marriages. Kids tests marriages,
They like challenge them and make two people grow together
(08:46):
in certain ways. And any um relationship that fails after
kids would have failed either way with or without kids.
And you know, they have great points. They're totally I
was looking at it on more of a surface level,
and they also or like, never blame kids for a
marriage coming apart, but you have to laugh at the
(09:06):
fundamental trend, which is just like marriage doesn't. I mean,
kids makes marriage a whole different thing. It's the first
time that it has felt like work seems like a
heavy word for me with Jared right now and us together,
but it's definitely been the most challenging year of our
marriage because you know how we've always been. It's always
(09:26):
been like so easy, breezy for us, but then with
a kid, there are just like a whole bunch of
new responsibilities and then you have to decide together how
to share these responsibilities and the life change it is jarring,
so I would say that, I would say from our opinion,
Like I know, people say like the harder super of
marriage is either um, your first year or it's like
the year you have kids. For me, i'm very team
(09:48):
when you have kids. What's your take on all of this?
Sorry for the straight up ramble, No, no, no, no,
I love it. I did see the meame and I
know you're I do remember I didn't see Becca's comments,
but I did see Amanda commenting about Becca's comments. And
I'm sort of on your side because there is an
(10:12):
accuracy to it, and I don't all everybody has their
own experiences. Some people may have, you know, the newborn
stage is easy and they thrive and their marriage has
never been better, and and then the toddler years are
harder or whatever. You know, you never know it. It's
all different. But when you invite a baby into the
(10:34):
picture that requires so much of you, it does affect
your marriage, you know. And there are sometimes where you
are two ships in the night and you may not
be connecting because you are just surviving. Sometimes you're to
send that survival mode, especially those first couple of years,
and so I think that's something you kind of need
(10:55):
to be aware of two is like if your marriage
is hard during that time, it's like you and I
really have to give each other grace because you both
are surviving. You really are this whole new experience. You
told me when I was pregnant. You're like, you're just
in survival mode. You'll be fine, you just have to
like hunker down. And now I'm in another zone that
(11:16):
you've been in, and now you're telling me to do
the same thing as somebody with no kids. When does
it start feeling different? Mm hmmm. I don't know, because
Tanner I talk all the time about having a fourth baby.
And Tanner's like, we're almost at the the light at
the end of the tunnel because my youngest is too,
(11:39):
and so he's like, we're almost there, you know, Like
are you sure you want to start all over again?
And I'm like, are you sure we're almost at the
light of the end of the tunnel, because all I
see in our future is a sprinter van full of
children go into baseball games, soccer games, piano recitals. Like
we're not going to just be like back to you
and me, like life is great now our kids are
a little bit older, Like it's a full long term
(12:01):
responsibility to take care of these children, and so I think,
I mean, I think maybe it changes in certain ways
because maybe it's not as physically demanding of you. You know.
I feel like, actually, like babies are so physically demanding
of their mother's right, I'm thinking, Yeah, there's that, and
there's the phase where it's like all they want is you.
(12:22):
He's great wan Jared when like he closes the door
and he's with Jared, but like if he has both
of us in front of him, he's going to reach
over to me. I think the thing that Tanner might
be alluding to is like communication. It's like, okay, they
they all know how to talk to us, and that
feels like a big leap, But they also all know
how to talk to us Ben, It's like, okay, So
(12:47):
when am like, like, should I have kids, That's what
Ben's probably thinking. It's a yeah, it's a question I
have often, Jade, as you're talking there um and kind
of explaining the light at the end of the tunnel,
a question pot in mind that I'm just curious about
and it could be very inappropriate, but I hope you
know where I'm trying to go with it. Uh, you
(13:09):
mentioned that last year you did a lot of like
growth yourself and that you I think what you said
was like kind of an identity crisis. I think that's
how you explained it, which Ashley and I both talked
about many times on the show before. How you know,
all of a sudden, you blink and you're having to
switch you know, your career or how people view you,
or how little they think of you or how much
(13:30):
they think of you. Like those things happen, especially coming
off of reality television, where that happens so fast and
you kind of, you know, blow up, and then you
kind of blow out pretty quickly too. It seems like, um,
you know I I also have been open about my
identity crisis getting married, even you know, I've been known
as the single guy for so long that was kind
(13:51):
of like what I got paid to do. Uh, it
was how people viewed me the bachelor. And so then
I was getting married and very excited to get married
and very ready to get married, but also be like,
what is life going to look like now that I'm married,
Like I'm no longer ever going to be single again?
God willing uh so for as a mother when I'm
going here is as a mother? Has it been an
(14:12):
identity crisis? Do you ever find yourself waking up one
morning and being like, wow, seven years ago I was
on national television as a single person with all opportunities
in front of me in the world, and now I'm
a mom and that takes a lot out of me
and they need me often and I am there to
care for them. Does that ever hit you? Does it
(14:32):
ever like kind of shock you? Because I feel like
it's mostly asking. I feel like it's really gonna shock
me when you become a parent. Yeah, it is. It's
such a right of passage that we go through, you know,
like it is you, you're one person, and then as
soon as the baby is born, you have completely transformed
(14:54):
over to a new role that you have forever. So
I think it's like the heaviness of its too, and
it is it's you are responsible for someone else's well being,
someone else's safety, someone else's you know, feeling of being
loved and growing up and so it's like it's it's
(15:14):
it isn't it's this whole new identity that you take
on and you aren't the same person, Like I will
never go back to that person, right, that I was
seven years ago before my daughter was born. Um, there's
still pieces of that person in me, but I am
I feel like I have transformed. I always talk about
(15:35):
if I look at my life, all the people who
I've been and who I've died and been reborn into.
And I really do believe you get reborn with your baby,
and so it it's it's it's hard because you kind
of grieve that person you were before, but yet you're
looking at this baby that's just like magic, you know,
(15:57):
and so it's it's a wonderful transformation. But I think
it's kind of normal to grieve some of the past
of who you were, because we do kind of as humans,
ground ourselves into an identity, right, So I think that's
hard for me. Is what I went through last year
(16:17):
was just struggling with my purpose and so much of
my Instagram and like my job was taking was like
sharing about being pregnant and having a baby and what
it's like to be a new mom, and I am
growing out of that. So I was kind of struggling
and like, well, what's my purpose now? Like why are
people wanting to connect with me? And I think that
(16:38):
that was kind of like what I went through last
year speaking of Instagram business and the strategy that Tanner
happens to sort of have in like every aspect of
his life. You guys are kind of well known as
being one of the bachelor couples that really have dominated
the Instagram um like influencers. You know, Like when you
(17:01):
think of bachelor influencers, I think you guys really come
to mind. I think it's probably because you guys are
a successful couple right off the bat, and like you
got married so quickly, you know, because like I think
that with the leads, of course, the leads are going
to get lots of followers, but you guys were non
leads and you've got lots of followers, and then you
(17:21):
had a baby and like everything and it just kept
staying really interesting. What kind of strategy? And you guys
have been insanely successful with it? Um? Did Tanner have
a plan right off the bat when he saw these
followers keep ticking up? Like he would, I know, you
would get in trouble for this on the show today? Um,
(17:41):
you know when he had no idea, Like he went
back to his card dealership job right right after the show.
He he went on the show just because he was
curious about it was like to be on reality TV
because he was such a super fan of reality TV. UM.
And then once we got followers and we got our
first sponsorship, he was like, you can make what on
just by posting a picture on an app Like he
(18:04):
didn't even he didn't even have Instagram I think at
the time, and so we he downloaded Instagram. I guess
right before the show, right, I guess that's when he
downloaded it. Um. But we were just we were able
to tap in at the right time. I think timing
was truly everything for what created our success, because like
Instagram had just become a thing, people were getting lots
(18:25):
of followers. I think Crystal season truly was like the
first you know where people blew up. I don't think
Handy season, no, No, there is a huge difference in
these seasons, and so he was definitely like, we have
to take advantage of those, you know, and we did.
We went full force, like threw ourselves into it. So
he was working sixty hours a week at the dealership
(18:47):
and then on Sundays we would film all of our ads. UM.
But I mean his strategy was always, you know, go
until it burns out. But what's funny is he pretty
much like he announced like Instagram retirement, but he did
he announced to you Instagram retirement. Yeah, I mean he
(19:08):
doesn't post anymore. What would Tanner say if you wanted
to retire from Instagram? Would he be cool with that? Oh?
I joke all the time. I'm like, well, I'm retiring too,
and you're not. Well, he goes, well, then we just
have to move out to California. So okay, So that
(19:28):
was my next question. You're both still in California. Um,
what part of California. We're in Orange County. We're like
it's called Trabuco Canyon. It's right up against um, the
Santa Ana Mountains. It's really pretty. Okay. Has that been
a big change for you all? I mean, because you're
both Midwesterners? Right yeah? Um, definitely more for him. So
(19:51):
I lived in l A for like four years before
I went on The Bachelor. So I was living in
l A when I went on the show. Um, but
he grew up in Kansas City. He like live there
his whole life, Like all of his friends are still
from elementary and middle school. And so when we moved
out here, I think he uh, he had a hard transition,
like a hard time adjusting because he didn't have any
(20:12):
friends here and so except for me and Jared, Yeah,
it's in the new move and then we moved. Yes,
so yeah, I think it definitely was harder for for him. Um, hey, Jed,
we're gonna take a break here. When we come back,
I want to ask you if it's appropriate for me
(20:33):
to talk to you. I know you did during um
a couple of other shows about sex in marriage. Is
that okay? Yeah, let's talk about when we come back
and we're back, and I can't wait for Ben to
(20:55):
ask this question because Ben doesn't really talk about this
a lot. I don't, well I don't, nor do I. Um,
you know the uh, Jade, you you have been um
now married for seven years. You do have three kids,
as we've talked about. I think it is such a
(21:15):
incredible thing when couples, especially married couples who have been
in it for a while, continue to share, you know,
how they keep the intimacy alive because, uh, if it's
not finance, it's you know, the physical connection that oftentimes
moves couples apart. And we just spent the first half
of this podcast talking about how kids can so quickly
or life can so quickly start to make you guys
(21:36):
ships in the night. As Ashley said, yeah, I mean
I've been vocal about this publicly before, but and I
know some people disagree with it, but it's just the
way that our relationship works is we we schedule sex.
It's something that is hard to have spontaneous. Just like
I'm gonna look at my husband and be like i
wanna jump his bones right now. That doesn't happen any
(21:58):
It doesn't happen. No, like not at all. Sorry, Ben,
I don't know. We we can't speak for jess but
I would say that is very similar to Jade. I
will maybe we don't discuss it, but I will plan
it in my head. Oh. We we definitely have a Yeah,
she as a schedule. You have a schedule. Okay, technically
(22:21):
it's flexible, like it's not like if I if I'm
sick or something or yeah, um well, I mean you
know obviously, like my relationship is a little different like Jessica. Uh,
and I like stayed absinent through our whole dating for
I mean three years, right, and so when we got married,
(22:42):
that was a whole new chapter for us and a
whole new thing for us to look forward to. And um,
but you're still, I think very quickly into that stage
where you are, you're with one person, you're trying to
figure each other out. Um, And so how you know
the scheduling I guess my concern there My question would
be does it keep things interesting? Like is there spontaneity
still to the relationship or uh? And do you feel
(23:06):
like you get um out of those scheduled evenings what
you need for intimacy and for connection? Yeah, I mean
the scheduling doesn't have to be just like seven o'clock
at night, eight minutes long, missionary boom or done. You know,
honestly here, I'm glad we need it and this is healthy.
(23:27):
I mean it doesn't yeah, I mean it doesn't it
can you know? You can still in that time try
to just I call it like my mom had I
wear my mom hat all day. Take the mom hat off,
which is really hard. But be in the moment, be
in my body, be thinking about my husband, our connection,
you know, and and just making the most of it
(23:48):
because it is we do it once a week and
so it's like that one time, once a week I
know that he looks forward to, so I might as
well just like show him that, Like, you know, even
if like fives before, I'm like, oh my god, do
I really have to go do this right now? You know,
I still want to show him that, Like I am
putting forth effort into our marriage because I think it's
(24:10):
worth it and we always end up having a great
time anyway. So do you do you have any advice?
I mean, that's what you and Tanna have been able
to figure out, uh and and that works for the
two of you overall, Like holistically, do you have any
advice for couples who are sitting there, you know, one year,
in ten years, in fifteen years in still trying to
(24:30):
keep that spark alive. I think just which is hard
is it's just the communication, and I think it's we've
really worked on that too. It's so vulnerable to sit
down and talk about sex right like this makes me
feel wanted. This makes me feel completely unwanted when you
do this like this, When when I want to touch
(24:51):
you like this and I feel like you're shut shivering
or shuttering me or whatever you know that makes me
feel this way, or I like when you do this
this makes me feel turned on or whatever. It's it's
hard to work and it's sometimes canna be exhausting, but
I really think it's worth the effort. And I think
there's so many more ways to be intimate that's not
(25:14):
sexual that makes the sexual intimacy better. And I think
that's just finding out what else intimacy means to you
to me, like having like meaningful conversations that aren't about
our children and just like my dreams or you know,
like something about like did you ever know this about me?
Or or something like. Um. The other day, I was
(25:35):
talking to Tanner about something. Oh, I've been taking this
supplement that's that's been stopping nightmares that I've been having
because I've been having nightmares every night for like the
past like ten months. And he's like, you never told
me you were having nightmares every night, and I was like,
I don't know. I guess I didn't think about that,
And so we started talking about it, and I felt
so much closer to him, which just makes me feel
(25:55):
closer to him when it comes to like his needs.
So I think it's just finding what the other intimate
parts are, even if it's just like soft touches like
I like. I like hugs. You know, I want you
to hug me, and it doesn't feel sexual. I want
to feel like that, that that closeness, that connection. I
think it all kind of like ties in together. It's
(26:17):
interesting that you say that, because you know, when I'm
upset or stressed out, I've had a long day at work,
or something's happened in my life and I'm just feeling down, Um,
when Jessica reaches over and rubs my back without me asking,
but just like knowing, that's like what I need, Like
I feel that same closeness to her. Then then I
(26:37):
do no you know, any other time in our life
like there are and that's like for me kind of
the surprise and also a really exciting thing about marriage
is you have your partner now, they get to know
you really well, and when they do something to bring
like to support you, or to bring you closer to them,
and hopefully you're doing something to bring them closer to you.
It can be done in so many different ways now,
(26:57):
which for me has been really fun to figure out. Um,
and she's doing such a good job at it, I'd
have to ask her if I'm doing a good job
at it. Yeah, I mean that's super sweet. Yeah, I
would love to kind of close this whole thing out
with talking about what's next in your life, Like what
are you now looking forward to? What did you learn
last year? As you said, you went through this kind
of um growing process. Not that you're stopped growing now
(27:22):
you're still growing, but what what is next for you?
What what is on the horizon. Yeah, I think that's
what's exciting about life still Sometimes when I feel like
maybe I'm stuck, like last year I felt like I
was creatively stuck. Is that you can always change and
evolve and grow and become who you want to become.
(27:43):
And so I think it's it's just for myself personally,
I'm just searching for, like what's my next purpose? And
I like, I love being a mom and I know
that's like one of my deeply rooted purposes. But I
also just I want something that makes me feel like
I'm making a difference. And so and Instagram, I've always
(28:04):
felt like that was like for work, like I could
make a difference by sharing like my raw parts of motherhood. Um,
but I feel like I'm moving on to another chapter
and I just don't know what that is. Yet you're
so wonderful in that space, um, whether it's talking about
motherhood or kids, and I know that you just love
like you are a special person. You like love the
(28:26):
birthing process like you find beauty in it. And I
was like, can we skip this part of my life?
And honestly wasn't bad. But you thought about like being
a doula or something like that. Is that still on
the goals list? I have no idea. I really don't,
And I think that's maybe like i feel kind of
like floating, falling ish, like I'm just trying to figure
(28:50):
out what it is and maybe a sign will smack
me in the face or maybe I'm still just gonna
take a while to figure it out. I think this year,
I really I feel like I've missed out, like putting
so much of myself into my kids. I've missed out
on like friendships, and I'm really craving like soulful sisterhood.
(29:10):
I've never had a sister, and I always wanted a sister,
and so I think, like I'm just I don't know.
I want to just cultivate good women around me that
support me. I feel like that's what I'm kind of
looking for right now, I don't know, but like other
life parts of my life, I don't know. I don't
(29:32):
know what's happening. It's no, I mean, it's it's interesting.
There was a period of my life and then still
probably to this day, if you ask me this, um,
somebody will you know, always ask like what are you
up to? What's next? Kind of like I just asked
you and there would just be this like gut this
like gut like punch almost in me. It's not as
much anymore, but there was a season where, um, I
(29:53):
got really low and every time somebody asked me that,
I just pretty much like caved, like my my shoulder shrank.
I felt like something in out of me was empty
because I didn't know um, and it made me feel
really bad about myself. It made me question, you know,
who I was, and I'm wanting I just wonder if
that is a something that comes from like kind of
this like weird season of life where it lasts for
(30:16):
who knows how long were you? Kind of stuff is
handed to you. I mean, it's very easy for a while,
right to have a career and you still have to
work at it. But like stuff just kind of gets
handed to you for a while and everybody wants to
pay to see you, and you can kind of like
you know, get any opportunity you want for a period
of time, and that goes away and you have to
start looking at like what was all this for? Like
what was all what does all this mean? What did
(30:38):
I just do? And for me that really it put
me in a deep place, like a dark place for
a while. Um. You know, I don't know if I'm
still there or not. I don't get asked as much
what are you gonna do next? Because I told so
many people I don't know, um, so maybe they gave up.
But it is, it's it's it's an interesting time. But
there's a lot of healing too. There's an I just
want to share this. During that period of my life,
(31:00):
I started to talk about purpose, like what was all
this for? What did allays do? What can I do
with any of it? And a really wise person told
me some advice. He said, well, what angers you the most,
or what's on your mind the most? Maybe what fires
you have to talk about? Maybe it is like childbirth.
Maybe like when you somebody ask you about hey, tell
me more about childbirth, Like you know, you just spew
(31:21):
like you know, all this information and all this passion
behind it, and then they said, Okay. For me personally,
my purpose came from a thing that made me angry, poverty,
um and lack of things for people in this world.
But you're steak in the ground and either join something
or start something that's helping work towards the topic that
you really care about, and you're and for a period
(31:43):
of your life, maybe not forever, but your purpose will
be in that and it kind of has worked. Um
is a really healthy process for me to kind of
do that and put my stake in the ground and say, no,
this is what this chapter of life is gonna look
like for me. It's no longer about me being relevant.
It's about whatever I can do with this platform. And
that's been handed to me. But I just share that
because that was not coming. That sound advice I am
(32:04):
giving here, that's advice that was given to me. No.
I like it though, because it makes me think of like,
what what does anger me? You know, like what I
would want to see changed in the world, which does
have a lot to do around birth because the United
States has one of the highest mortality rates for mothers,
and so that's something I would love to advocate for.
(32:26):
So it is something that like I do see like
what you're saying. And maybe it's just I haven't given
given myself permission to like say that, maybe this is
more of my life perfect purpose, because now that I'm
growing out of that, I feel like, oh, I can't
keep talking about babies over and over and over. I don't.
I don't have babies anymore. But maybe it's like if
(32:47):
I find the right avenue to do that. You know,
I've always called you mother Nature, so it really does
fit for you, and I thought you were mother Nature
even before you had a baby. I will always remember
sitting in St. Lucia this you have been married for
six months and you're talking about how you wanted a
baby and Tanner was like, I don't know, And this
(33:10):
is six months before you got pregnant, and you were like, Tanner,
I just want something to nurture. And I was like, wow,
she's so amazing and special. That's so cute. But but
I just want to say I think that people don't
like that. I hate that question. I don't think it's
you or I think it's an overall hatred towards the
(33:31):
what's next question, because then it kind of makes you
feel like what you're doing now isn't enough, or that
I have to have something next. Yeah, Like what if
you're so happy with where you're at very content? I
told you, Like where I'm at right now is I'm
happily content, Like I'm really good, Like I don't want
a lot to change right now. I'm kind of just
(33:52):
in this like really fun season of marriage and life
and slowness. And I don't know, happily content. And I
said that to somebody, um recently, They're like, I've never
heard anybody say happily contemned. They were seen those two
things together. Like, I don't know how I feel. I
don't know if I want something next right now. I
love that. I feel like I feel like that's something
(34:13):
we all crave but can never give ourselves because of
society and how we ma we value success, we value productivity,
Like you can't just rest and enjoy your life and
enjoy the now, like you have to be constantly doing something.
So I definitely agree with that. Like that just sounds
sounds Did you say that? It sounds really nice? Yeah,
(34:34):
I have such an issue with that that constant productivity
feel like even well, I don't have days off anymore
to just watch TV for like seven hours. It's probably
what I miss most about motherhood is just waking up
in the morning and you know what, like, you know what,
I'm just going to binge watch an entire show, Like
I've not been able to that if I want to
do that after like start nine pm. Anyway, Um, where
(34:56):
was it going with that? Oh? Yeah, because I used
to feel like I just need to to constantly be productive.
Like every time I was like, oh I can relax,
I'd be like, no, you shouldn't relax. Why should you relax.
You should get this done and that done. Like you,
they're on the horizon, but as mine as well. Tackle
them now. It's a problem and it's definitely been drilled
into us by society because wearing dizziness is like a
(35:19):
badge of honor, and I think people who are who
have any sort of platform on social media because if
you're not posting, then you're not being seen and that's
your whole job, you know. Curse those who aren't relevant, right,
Curse some terrible people if you don't stay your elevant
um Jade final question that I have for you. You know,
(35:43):
since your time really on The Bachelor, you have, UM,
either purposefully or just because of who you are and
how life has worked out for you've made an impact
a lot of people's lives, and you made people feel
less alone and more seen and more cared for. UM.
I think that's a spectacle, your gift and something to celebrate.
And maybe the only unsolicited advice I would give is
(36:04):
maybe sit on how big of an impact you've made
and so many people who are probably feeling alone or
you're gonna make me cry, Well, that's true, UM, and
you deserve to sit and celebrate that and see and
and just remember. But UM, you've also made continue to
make a big impact with those who are mothers, new mothers, um,
(36:26):
as we've talked about so much here during this episode.
My last question for you is what advice do you
have for somebody listening who is a mother to be,
somebody who wants kids on the you know, in the future,
already a mother. Do you have any overarching advice on motherhood? UM,
I think it's I mean, my top advice would be
(36:46):
to listen to your own intuition. We live in such
an age where there's just information overload, which I think
is great. You know, you can access every sort of
resource out there for every single topic imaginable when it
comes to trying to conceive pregnancy, birth, postpartum, motherhood, and
and so everything's at your fingertips. But I really think
(37:08):
it comes down to you have everything already inside of
you that like the toolbox that you need to be
the best mom for your baby. And I think that's
like the most important thing to remember because there will
be so many people telling you what to do, there
will be so many people judging you, there will be
so many like people, This needs to happen this way, now,
(37:29):
this needs to happen that way. And so I think
just like being even if you feel like you don't
know what you're doing, you know, you're like holding your
baby and you're like, I have no idea what I'm
doing right now, just know that like being there right
then and there is enough. M hm. You truly are
an inspiration of motherhood. Um. I know that we've talked
(37:50):
a lot about motherhood, but seriously, you are the person
that I think of when I think of it, and
you're the person that I go to when I have
questions about it or just need to honestly bent about it.
So thank you for being you. Yeah. When I think
of Jade, I just think of her walking down to
the beach in Paradise and all the guys being like
her her. I want her, That's what I think about.
(38:14):
Somehow Tanner, somehow, Tanner landed it the upset of the year. Yeah,
it was talked about for decades. Jane, thanks for joining
us today. Uh, it's always great to catch up with you. Uh.
If you don't mind, please come back and break down
an episode of the Bachelor with us. It'd be a
lot of fun. I would love to. I'm sure Tanner
would give some great takes too. If you ever want
(38:37):
both of you together, Yes, I would love to have
Tanner on so he can say the that we can't. Yeah,
let him get in trouble for one, so they're awesome. Jade,
come back soon. I can't wait to talk to you
um about the show. Thanks for joining us today. Than
bye bye. Followed the Benn and Ashley I Almost Famous
(38:59):
podcast on I Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
This is the Benn and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with our radio. Well, one of our favorites. Somebody that
doesn't come around enough on the Almost Famous podcast, I
would say, um, especially for someone who actually still watches
the show continuously every single week. Yeah, and she's married
to somebody I bet still watch the show anyways. Jade
(00:23):
is here with us today. Hello Jade, Hello, thank you
for having me. Well, Jade, we should actually have you
on to recap an episode sometime. Yeah, totally. I Like
I was telling you, I just finished, um, last night's
episode or whatever, this week's episode of the Bachelor. So
we do still watch it. Yeah, and Tanner still watches too,
(00:43):
because no one loves reality TV more than Tanner. And
Tanner was a fan of the show. If you guys
don't know beforehand, and he was called on Ben season
Caitlin season as the Bachelor encyclopedia, and guys would go
to Tanner they wanted to, like foresee what their next
next move was going to be. Yeah, he would be like,
(01:05):
this is week four, guys, so that means this is happening, Ben,
Do you have any of those memories? I have all
those memories. In fact, Tanner was a very calming force
because of his knowledge of the show and his fandom
of the show, and kind of like we talked about
on this week's episode, Ashley, I actually have a theory
(01:27):
about Tanner and I were talking about it. J tell
me if you think I'm right. After watching the show
and knowing Tanner very well, Um, I actually think Tanner
would be a villain today because I think he spoke
so much about the show and what would happen next
and kind of like maybe the strategy of the show.
I actually think Tanner, even though he's about as least
(01:48):
villainous of a person as possible, he would have been
a villain today. I think so he is not afraid
to do like hot takes. You know, he would give
the Reducers what they wanted and a t M s
about people, and he has a sarcastic side that can
come off a little like direct So I think that
(02:09):
they could have easily edit edited him into that or
nowadays people just wouldn't see that as funny anymore, exactly
like the guys. The guys would have reacted like, oh,
he's here because he's a fan of the show. He's
not here to actually find somebody, and then Tanner would
have been the type of guy that you could have
like honestly sat with him, been like, Tanner, what happens
(02:30):
to people when they get off this show? Like I
have no idea like what life looks like. And he'd
be like, Oh, you're gonna get a ton of Instagram
followers and you're gonna he would say it, and yeah, nowadays,
I think somebody would hear that, hear that and be
so sensitive to it. They'd be like, that guy is
not here for the right reasons. Where when we were there,
Tanner was a friend all and we just had to
blast with him. Yeah. I think now like because of
(02:53):
social media, it definitely changes the whole landscape of that.
Because when we were on the only Followers You've got out,
we're Twitter followers and we talked about Twitter followers. I
think there was no this like social media job that existed.
So I think nowadays he would just be he probably
would just be very honest and upfront and say, yeah,
this is probably what would happen for you, and they
(03:15):
could definitely run people the wrong way. I just have
that theory now, um, which is kind of funny. If
you know Tanner because you're like, there's no way this
dude would have been like the villain on a season anyways. Um, yes,
Uh so you are married the Tanner still happily seven
seven years happily married. You know what I will say,
(03:37):
I'm like an honest person to marriage is hard, and
we've definitely had ebbs and flows. There's been hard years,
and I think last year was a hard year for us,
and but I feel like we've kind of we had
a reset and so things have been really smooth as
of like I want to say, like November December. But
there were some hard stuff we went through last year.
(03:59):
Can I dig into that for just a second, because
I know Ashley in about five minutes is gonna be
like question af your question that I really know the
answer to, but I want to ask for the sake
of the audience. Yeah, she's and once she starts, she's
just gonna go. And so I'm gonna try to get
some in here. Uh, Jade, I've only been married now
(04:19):
for a year, in three months, three months as of
two days ago. Uh, so far marriage has been hard.
It's hard in its own way for us. Communication, especially
how I communicate, has caused issues. What I don't say,
and I just think and I hold on to and
(04:40):
UM try to suppress, and then sometimes it doesn't actually suppress,
and it kind of like bubbles up at some point,
like those are my issues that I'm dealing with. UM.
But we're I think Jessica and I are finding a
rhythm to um to get back to like a balance
and get back to being good. We're trying to figure
out how to do that quicker than we used to maybe.
(05:02):
Uh So for you, you've been married for seven years.
You said last year was a hard year. If you
don't mind me asking, uh, as much as you can
share what caused it to be a difficult year for
the two of you, and then how do you work
to a place of health again in your relationship? Yeah,
that's hard, right, UM. I think it's hard because two
(05:22):
people come into a marriage with all of their baggage
packed at the door. Right. You know, we each have
our own childhood upbringings, We've each had our own life
experiences and those have really shaped us as people. And
then we bring them in and we try to make
them work with somebody else who may not completely ever
understand whatever you've been through as much as they try to,
(05:44):
and we all require different needs and things to feel loved,
and I think that's hard sometimes. And so I think
like for us last year, I went through, um some
like job changes that were really hard. I switched agencies,
which was really hard for me, UM because of like
personal reasons, and UM, I question a lot of like
(06:08):
my identity, and I think that I just was kind
of searching for that. And Sannar he really went on
like his own growth journey with some stuff that he
was going through with his family. And sometimes when you're
like going through that stuff, you may like make mistakes
or do like we have reactions that aren't necessarily healthy
(06:29):
because they're coming from a hurt place. And so for us,
I think it was just coming to the point of like,
if you're still in this willing to grow, and I'm
willing to grow, then like that's all you can ask for, right,
So I think it was kind of like as long
as we're still growing and you're gonna start, you know,
(06:52):
you have your stuff you want to heal on, and
I have my stuff I'm gonna heal on. We're gonna
give each other compassion through this. And I think that's
kind know what got us through it. UM, but therapy
therapy helps, UM, couples therapy or individual therapy individual individual.
I think, UM, we eventually would do couples therapy just
(07:15):
because I think therapy is so healthy, but we did
more individual and I think that that this like past
year hitting your six in our marriage, it was just
it was just something that we both were kind of
going through individually and and so it was hard to
understand each other and how to show up for each other. UM.
But the individual therapy, we would come back to each
(07:38):
other and share, and we learned things about each other,
UM that we never knew, And I think there was
so much deeper understanding about each other and how to
kind of heal together. There's this meme going on meme.
(08:03):
It's a trend going around and Amanda Stanton and Becca
Martinez they comment on commented on it, and I feel
like you probably saw it too. So the trend goes
like this, it's a couple before they had kids, like
back in their camera role. They found like a cute
clip of them, and then it fast forwards to when
they have kids and they're like walking ships in the night.
(08:24):
Did you see it, Jade? I did, Yeah, and I
saw it and I laughed because of like accuracy, right,
And then I see Becca and Amanda's take on it,
and they're both like, this is not something we should
really be laughing at. Kids don't ruin marriages. Kids tests marriages,
They like challenge them and make two people grow together
(08:46):
in certain ways. And any um relationship that fails after
kids would have failed either way with or without kids.
And you know, they have great points. They're totally I
was looking at it on more of a surface level,
and they also or like, never blame kids for a
marriage coming apart, but you have to laugh at the
(09:06):
fundamental trend, which is just like marriage doesn't. I mean,
kids makes marriage a whole different thing. It's the first
time that it has felt like work seems like a
heavy word for me with Jared right now and us together,
but it's definitely been the most challenging year of our
marriage because you know how we've always been. It's always
(09:26):
been like so easy, breezy for us, but then with
a kid, there are just like a whole bunch of
new responsibilities and then you have to decide together how
to share these responsibilities and the life change it is jarring,
so I would say that, I would say from our opinion,
Like I know, people say like the harder super of
marriage is either um, your first year or it's like
the year you have kids. For me, i'm very team
(09:48):
when you have kids. What's your take on all of this?
Sorry for the straight up ramble, No, no, no, no,
I love it. I did see the meame and I
know you're I do remember I didn't see Becca's comments,
but I did see Amanda commenting about Becca's comments. And
I'm sort of on your side because there is an
(10:12):
accuracy to it, and I don't all everybody has their
own experiences. Some people may have, you know, the newborn
stage is easy and they thrive and their marriage has
never been better, and and then the toddler years are
harder or whatever. You know, you never know it. It's
all different. But when you invite a baby into the
(10:34):
picture that requires so much of you, it does affect
your marriage, you know. And there are sometimes where you
are two ships in the night and you may not
be connecting because you are just surviving. Sometimes you're to
send that survival mode, especially those first couple of years,
and so I think that's something you kind of need
(10:55):
to be aware of two is like if your marriage
is hard during that time, it's like you and I
really have to give each other grace because you both
are surviving. You really are this whole new experience. You
told me when I was pregnant. You're like, you're just
in survival mode. You'll be fine, you just have to
like hunker down. And now I'm in another zone that
(11:16):
you've been in, and now you're telling me to do
the same thing as somebody with no kids. When does
it start feeling different? Mm hmmm. I don't know, because
Tanner I talk all the time about having a fourth baby.
And Tanner's like, we're almost at the the light at
the end of the tunnel because my youngest is too,
(11:39):
and so he's like, we're almost there, you know, Like
are you sure you want to start all over again?
And I'm like, are you sure we're almost at the
light of the end of the tunnel, because all I
see in our future is a sprinter van full of
children go into baseball games, soccer games, piano recitals. Like
we're not going to just be like back to you
and me, like life is great now our kids are
a little bit older, Like it's a full long term
(12:01):
responsibility to take care of these children, and so I think,
I mean, I think maybe it changes in certain ways
because maybe it's not as physically demanding of you. You know.
I feel like, actually, like babies are so physically demanding
of their mother's right, I'm thinking, Yeah, there's that, and
there's the phase where it's like all they want is you.
(12:22):
He's great wan Jared when like he closes the door
and he's with Jared, but like if he has both
of us in front of him, he's going to reach
over to me. I think the thing that Tanner might
be alluding to is like communication. It's like, okay, they
they all know how to talk to us, and that
feels like a big leap, But they also all know
how to talk to us Ben, It's like, okay, So
(12:47):
when am like, like, should I have kids, That's what
Ben's probably thinking. It's a yeah, it's a question I
have often, Jade, as you're talking there um and kind
of explaining the light at the end of the tunnel,
a question pot in mind that I'm just curious about
and it could be very inappropriate, but I hope you
know where I'm trying to go with it. Uh, you
(13:09):
mentioned that last year you did a lot of like
growth yourself and that you I think what you said
was like kind of an identity crisis. I think that's
how you explained it, which Ashley and I both talked
about many times on the show before. How you know,
all of a sudden, you blink and you're having to
switch you know, your career or how people view you,
or how little they think of you or how much
(13:30):
they think of you. Like those things happen, especially coming
off of reality television, where that happens so fast and
you kind of, you know, blow up, and then you
kind of blow out pretty quickly too. It seems like, um,
you know I I also have been open about my
identity crisis getting married, even you know, I've been known
as the single guy for so long that was kind
(13:51):
of like what I got paid to do. Uh, it
was how people viewed me the bachelor. And so then
I was getting married and very excited to get married
and very ready to get married, but also be like,
what is life going to look like now that I'm married,
Like I'm no longer ever going to be single again?
God willing uh so for as a mother when I'm
going here is as a mother? Has it been an
(14:12):
identity crisis? Do you ever find yourself waking up one
morning and being like, wow, seven years ago I was
on national television as a single person with all opportunities
in front of me in the world, and now I'm
a mom and that takes a lot out of me
and they need me often and I am there to
care for them. Does that ever hit you? Does it
(14:32):
ever like kind of shock you? Because I feel like
it's mostly asking. I feel like it's really gonna shock
me when you become a parent. Yeah, it is. It's
such a right of passage that we go through, you know,
like it is you, you're one person, and then as
soon as the baby is born, you have completely transformed
(14:54):
over to a new role that you have forever. So
I think it's like the heaviness of its too, and
it is it's you are responsible for someone else's well being,
someone else's safety, someone else's you know, feeling of being
loved and growing up and so it's like it's it's
(15:14):
it isn't it's this whole new identity that you take
on and you aren't the same person, Like I will
never go back to that person, right, that I was
seven years ago before my daughter was born. Um, there's
still pieces of that person in me, but I am
I feel like I have transformed. I always talk about
(15:35):
if I look at my life, all the people who
I've been and who I've died and been reborn into.
And I really do believe you get reborn with your baby,
and so it it's it's it's hard because you kind
of grieve that person you were before, but yet you're
looking at this baby that's just like magic, you know,
(15:57):
and so it's it's a wonderful transformation. But I think
it's kind of normal to grieve some of the past
of who you were, because we do kind of as humans,
ground ourselves into an identity, right, So I think that's
hard for me. Is what I went through last year
(16:17):
was just struggling with my purpose and so much of
my Instagram and like my job was taking was like
sharing about being pregnant and having a baby and what
it's like to be a new mom, and I am
growing out of that. So I was kind of struggling
and like, well, what's my purpose now? Like why are
people wanting to connect with me? And I think that
(16:38):
that was kind of like what I went through last
year speaking of Instagram business and the strategy that Tanner
happens to sort of have in like every aspect of
his life. You guys are kind of well known as
being one of the bachelor couples that really have dominated
the Instagram um like influencers. You know, Like when you
(17:01):
think of bachelor influencers, I think you guys really come
to mind. I think it's probably because you guys are
a successful couple right off the bat, and like you
got married so quickly, you know, because like I think
that with the leads, of course, the leads are going
to get lots of followers, but you guys were non
leads and you've got lots of followers, and then you
(17:21):
had a baby and like everything and it just kept
staying really interesting. What kind of strategy? And you guys
have been insanely successful with it? Um? Did Tanner have
a plan right off the bat when he saw these
followers keep ticking up? Like he would, I know, you
would get in trouble for this on the show today? Um,
(17:41):
you know when he had no idea, Like he went
back to his card dealership job right right after the show.
He he went on the show just because he was
curious about it was like to be on reality TV
because he was such a super fan of reality TV. UM.
And then once we got followers and we got our
first sponsorship, he was like, you can make what on
just by posting a picture on an app Like he
(18:04):
didn't even he didn't even have Instagram I think at
the time, and so we he downloaded Instagram. I guess
right before the show, right, I guess that's when he
downloaded it. Um. But we were just we were able
to tap in at the right time. I think timing
was truly everything for what created our success, because like
Instagram had just become a thing, people were getting lots
(18:25):
of followers. I think Crystal season truly was like the
first you know where people blew up. I don't think
Handy season, no, No, there is a huge difference in
these seasons, and so he was definitely like, we have
to take advantage of those, you know, and we did.
We went full force, like threw ourselves into it. So
he was working sixty hours a week at the dealership
(18:47):
and then on Sundays we would film all of our ads. UM.
But I mean his strategy was always, you know, go
until it burns out. But what's funny is he pretty
much like he announced like Instagram retirement, but he did
he announced to you Instagram retirement. Yeah, I mean he
(19:08):
doesn't post anymore. What would Tanner say if you wanted
to retire from Instagram? Would he be cool with that? Oh?
I joke all the time. I'm like, well, I'm retiring too,
and you're not. Well, he goes, well, then we just
have to move out to California. So okay, So that
(19:28):
was my next question. You're both still in California. Um,
what part of California. We're in Orange County. We're like
it's called Trabuco Canyon. It's right up against um, the
Santa Ana Mountains. It's really pretty. Okay. Has that been
a big change for you all? I mean, because you're
both Midwesterners? Right yeah? Um, definitely more for him. So
(19:51):
I lived in l A for like four years before
I went on The Bachelor. So I was living in
l A when I went on the show. Um, but
he grew up in Kansas City. He like live there
his whole life, Like all of his friends are still
from elementary and middle school. And so when we moved
out here, I think he uh, he had a hard transition,
like a hard time adjusting because he didn't have any
(20:12):
friends here and so except for me and Jared, Yeah,
it's in the new move and then we moved. Yes,
so yeah, I think it definitely was harder for for him. Um, hey, Jed,
we're gonna take a break here. When we come back,
I want to ask you if it's appropriate for me
(20:33):
to talk to you. I know you did during um
a couple of other shows about sex in marriage. Is
that okay? Yeah, let's talk about when we come back
and we're back, and I can't wait for Ben to
(20:55):
ask this question because Ben doesn't really talk about this
a lot. I don't, well I don't, nor do I. Um,
you know the uh, Jade, you you have been um
now married for seven years. You do have three kids,
as we've talked about. I think it is such a
(21:15):
incredible thing when couples, especially married couples who have been
in it for a while, continue to share, you know,
how they keep the intimacy alive because, uh, if it's
not finance, it's you know, the physical connection that oftentimes
moves couples apart. And we just spent the first half
of this podcast talking about how kids can so quickly
or life can so quickly start to make you guys
(21:36):
ships in the night. As Ashley said, yeah, I mean
I've been vocal about this publicly before, but and I
know some people disagree with it, but it's just the
way that our relationship works is we we schedule sex.
It's something that is hard to have spontaneous. Just like
I'm gonna look at my husband and be like i
wanna jump his bones right now. That doesn't happen any
(21:58):
It doesn't happen. No, like not at all. Sorry, Ben,
I don't know. We we can't speak for jess but
I would say that is very similar to Jade. I
will maybe we don't discuss it, but I will plan
it in my head. Oh. We we definitely have a Yeah,
she as a schedule. You have a schedule. Okay, technically
(22:21):
it's flexible, like it's not like if I if I'm
sick or something or yeah, um well, I mean you
know obviously, like my relationship is a little different like Jessica. Uh,
and I like stayed absinent through our whole dating for
I mean three years, right, and so when we got married,
(22:42):
that was a whole new chapter for us and a
whole new thing for us to look forward to. And um,
but you're still, I think very quickly into that stage
where you are, you're with one person, you're trying to
figure each other out. Um, And so how you know
the scheduling I guess my concern there My question would
be does it keep things interesting? Like is there spontaneity
still to the relationship or uh? And do you feel
(23:06):
like you get um out of those scheduled evenings what
you need for intimacy and for connection? Yeah, I mean
the scheduling doesn't have to be just like seven o'clock
at night, eight minutes long, missionary boom or done. You know,
honestly here, I'm glad we need it and this is healthy.
(23:27):
I mean it doesn't yeah, I mean it doesn't it
can you know? You can still in that time try
to just I call it like my mom had I
wear my mom hat all day. Take the mom hat off,
which is really hard. But be in the moment, be
in my body, be thinking about my husband, our connection,
you know, and and just making the most of it
(23:48):
because it is we do it once a week and
so it's like that one time, once a week I
know that he looks forward to, so I might as
well just like show him that, Like, you know, even
if like fives before, I'm like, oh my god, do
I really have to go do this right now? You know,
I still want to show him that, Like I am
putting forth effort into our marriage because I think it's
(24:10):
worth it and we always end up having a great
time anyway. So do you do you have any advice?
I mean, that's what you and Tanna have been able
to figure out, uh and and that works for the
two of you overall, Like holistically, do you have any
advice for couples who are sitting there, you know, one year,
in ten years, in fifteen years in still trying to
(24:30):
keep that spark alive. I think just which is hard
is it's just the communication, and I think it's we've
really worked on that too. It's so vulnerable to sit
down and talk about sex right like this makes me
feel wanted. This makes me feel completely unwanted when you
do this like this, When when I want to touch
(24:51):
you like this and I feel like you're shut shivering
or shuttering me or whatever you know that makes me
feel this way, or I like when you do this
this makes me feel turned on or whatever. It's it's
hard to work and it's sometimes canna be exhausting, but
I really think it's worth the effort. And I think
there's so many more ways to be intimate that's not
(25:14):
sexual that makes the sexual intimacy better. And I think
that's just finding out what else intimacy means to you
to me, like having like meaningful conversations that aren't about
our children and just like my dreams or you know,
like something about like did you ever know this about me?
Or or something like. Um. The other day, I was
(25:35):
talking to Tanner about something. Oh, I've been taking this
supplement that's that's been stopping nightmares that I've been having
because I've been having nightmares every night for like the
past like ten months. And he's like, you never told
me you were having nightmares every night, and I was like,
I don't know. I guess I didn't think about that,
And so we started talking about it, and I felt
so much closer to him, which just makes me feel
(25:55):
closer to him when it comes to like his needs.
So I think it's just finding what the other intimate
parts are, even if it's just like soft touches like
I like. I like hugs. You know, I want you
to hug me, and it doesn't feel sexual. I want
to feel like that, that that closeness, that connection. I
think it all kind of like ties in together. It's
(26:17):
interesting that you say that, because you know, when I'm
upset or stressed out, I've had a long day at work,
or something's happened in my life and I'm just feeling down, Um,
when Jessica reaches over and rubs my back without me asking,
but just like knowing, that's like what I need, Like
I feel that same closeness to her. Then then I
(26:37):
do no you know, any other time in our life
like there are and that's like for me kind of
the surprise and also a really exciting thing about marriage
is you have your partner now, they get to know
you really well, and when they do something to bring
like to support you, or to bring you closer to them,
and hopefully you're doing something to bring them closer to you.
It can be done in so many different ways now,
(26:57):
which for me has been really fun to figure out. Um,
and she's doing such a good job at it, I'd
have to ask her if I'm doing a good job
at it. Yeah, I mean that's super sweet. Yeah, I
would love to kind of close this whole thing out
with talking about what's next in your life, Like what
are you now looking forward to? What did you learn
last year? As you said, you went through this kind
of um growing process. Not that you're stopped growing now
(27:22):
you're still growing, but what what is next for you?
What what is on the horizon. Yeah, I think that's
what's exciting about life still Sometimes when I feel like
maybe I'm stuck, like last year I felt like I
was creatively stuck. Is that you can always change and
evolve and grow and become who you want to become.
(27:43):
And so I think it's it's just for myself personally,
I'm just searching for, like what's my next purpose? And
I like, I love being a mom and I know
that's like one of my deeply rooted purposes. But I
also just I want something that makes me feel like
I'm making a difference. And so and Instagram, I've always
(28:04):
felt like that was like for work, like I could
make a difference by sharing like my raw parts of motherhood. Um,
but I feel like I'm moving on to another chapter
and I just don't know what that is. Yet you're
so wonderful in that space, um, whether it's talking about
motherhood or kids, and I know that you just love
like you are a special person. You like love the
(28:26):
birthing process like you find beauty in it. And I
was like, can we skip this part of my life?
And honestly wasn't bad. But you thought about like being
a doula or something like that. Is that still on
the goals list? I have no idea. I really don't,
And I think that's maybe like i feel kind of
like floating, falling ish, like I'm just trying to figure
(28:50):
out what it is and maybe a sign will smack
me in the face or maybe I'm still just gonna
take a while to figure it out. I think this year,
I really I feel like I've missed out, like putting
so much of myself into my kids. I've missed out
on like friendships, and I'm really craving like soulful sisterhood.
(29:10):
I've never had a sister, and I always wanted a sister,
and so I think, like I'm just I don't know.
I want to just cultivate good women around me that
support me. I feel like that's what I'm kind of
looking for right now, I don't know, but like other
life parts of my life, I don't know. I don't
(29:32):
know what's happening. It's no, I mean, it's it's interesting.
There was a period of my life and then still
probably to this day, if you ask me this, um,
somebody will you know, always ask like what are you
up to? What's next? Kind of like I just asked
you and there would just be this like gut this
like gut like punch almost in me. It's not as
much anymore, but there was a season where, um, I
(29:53):
got really low and every time somebody asked me that,
I just pretty much like caved, like my my shoulder shrank.
I felt like something in out of me was empty
because I didn't know um, and it made me feel
really bad about myself. It made me question, you know,
who I was, and I'm wanting I just wonder if
that is a something that comes from like kind of
this like weird season of life where it lasts for
(30:16):
who knows how long were you? Kind of stuff is
handed to you. I mean, it's very easy for a while,
right to have a career and you still have to
work at it. But like stuff just kind of gets
handed to you for a while and everybody wants to
pay to see you, and you can kind of like
you know, get any opportunity you want for a period
of time, and that goes away and you have to
start looking at like what was all this for? Like
what was all what does all this mean? What did
(30:38):
I just do? And for me that really it put
me in a deep place, like a dark place for
a while. Um. You know, I don't know if I'm
still there or not. I don't get asked as much
what are you gonna do next? Because I told so
many people I don't know, um, so maybe they gave up.
But it is, it's it's it's an interesting time. But
there's a lot of healing too. There's an I just
want to share this. During that period of my life,
(31:00):
I started to talk about purpose, like what was all
this for? What did allays do? What can I do
with any of it? And a really wise person told
me some advice. He said, well, what angers you the most,
or what's on your mind the most? Maybe what fires
you have to talk about? Maybe it is like childbirth.
Maybe like when you somebody ask you about hey, tell
me more about childbirth, Like you know, you just spew
(31:21):
like you know, all this information and all this passion
behind it, and then they said, Okay. For me personally,
my purpose came from a thing that made me angry, poverty,
um and lack of things for people in this world.
But you're steak in the ground and either join something
or start something that's helping work towards the topic that
you really care about, and you're and for a period
(31:43):
of your life, maybe not forever, but your purpose will
be in that and it kind of has worked. Um
is a really healthy process for me to kind of
do that and put my stake in the ground and say, no,
this is what this chapter of life is gonna look
like for me. It's no longer about me being relevant.
It's about whatever I can do with this platform. And
that's been handed to me. But I just share that
because that was not coming. That sound advice I am
(32:04):
giving here, that's advice that was given to me. No.
I like it though, because it makes me think of like,
what what does anger me? You know, like what I
would want to see changed in the world, which does
have a lot to do around birth because the United
States has one of the highest mortality rates for mothers,
and so that's something I would love to advocate for.
(32:26):
So it is something that like I do see like
what you're saying. And maybe it's just I haven't given
given myself permission to like say that, maybe this is
more of my life perfect purpose, because now that I'm
growing out of that, I feel like, oh, I can't
keep talking about babies over and over and over. I don't.
I don't have babies anymore. But maybe it's like if
(32:47):
I find the right avenue to do that. You know,
I've always called you mother Nature, so it really does
fit for you, and I thought you were mother Nature
even before you had a baby. I will always remember
sitting in St. Lucia this you have been married for
six months and you're talking about how you wanted a
baby and Tanner was like, I don't know, And this
(33:10):
is six months before you got pregnant, and you were like, Tanner,
I just want something to nurture. And I was like, wow,
she's so amazing and special. That's so cute. But but
I just want to say I think that people don't
like that. I hate that question. I don't think it's
you or I think it's an overall hatred towards the
(33:31):
what's next question, because then it kind of makes you
feel like what you're doing now isn't enough, or that
I have to have something next. Yeah, Like what if
you're so happy with where you're at very content? I
told you, Like where I'm at right now is I'm
happily content, Like I'm really good, Like I don't want
a lot to change right now. I'm kind of just
(33:52):
in this like really fun season of marriage and life
and slowness. And I don't know, happily content. And I
said that to somebody, um recently, They're like, I've never
heard anybody say happily contemned. They were seen those two
things together. Like, I don't know how I feel. I
don't know if I want something next right now. I
love that. I feel like I feel like that's something
(34:13):
we all crave but can never give ourselves because of
society and how we ma we value success, we value productivity,
Like you can't just rest and enjoy your life and
enjoy the now, like you have to be constantly doing something.
So I definitely agree with that. Like that just sounds
sounds Did you say that? It sounds really nice? Yeah,
(34:34):
I have such an issue with that that constant productivity
feel like even well, I don't have days off anymore
to just watch TV for like seven hours. It's probably
what I miss most about motherhood is just waking up
in the morning and you know what, like, you know what,
I'm just going to binge watch an entire show, Like
I've not been able to that if I want to
do that after like start nine pm. Anyway, Um, where
(34:56):
was it going with that? Oh? Yeah, because I used
to feel like I just need to to constantly be productive.
Like every time I was like, oh I can relax,
I'd be like, no, you shouldn't relax. Why should you relax.
You should get this done and that done. Like you,
they're on the horizon, but as mine as well. Tackle
them now. It's a problem and it's definitely been drilled
into us by society because wearing dizziness is like a
(35:19):
badge of honor, and I think people who are who
have any sort of platform on social media because if
you're not posting, then you're not being seen and that's
your whole job, you know. Curse those who aren't relevant, right,
Curse some terrible people if you don't stay your elevant
um Jade final question that I have for you. You know,
(35:43):
since your time really on The Bachelor, you have, UM,
either purposefully or just because of who you are and
how life has worked out for you've made an impact
a lot of people's lives, and you made people feel
less alone and more seen and more cared for. UM.
I think that's a spectacle, your gift and something to celebrate.
And maybe the only unsolicited advice I would give is
(36:04):
maybe sit on how big of an impact you've made
and so many people who are probably feeling alone or
you're gonna make me cry, Well, that's true, UM, and
you deserve to sit and celebrate that and see and
and just remember. But UM, you've also made continue to
make a big impact with those who are mothers, new mothers, um,
(36:26):
as we've talked about so much here during this episode.
My last question for you is what advice do you
have for somebody listening who is a mother to be,
somebody who wants kids on the you know, in the future,
already a mother. Do you have any overarching advice on motherhood? UM,
I think it's I mean, my top advice would be
(36:46):
to listen to your own intuition. We live in such
an age where there's just information overload, which I think
is great. You know, you can access every sort of
resource out there for every single topic imaginable when it
comes to trying to conceive pregnancy, birth, postpartum, motherhood, and
and so everything's at your fingertips. But I really think
(37:08):
it comes down to you have everything already inside of
you that like the toolbox that you need to be
the best mom for your baby. And I think that's
like the most important thing to remember because there will
be so many people telling you what to do, there
will be so many people judging you, there will be
so many like people, This needs to happen this way, now,
(37:29):
this needs to happen that way. And so I think
just like being even if you feel like you don't
know what you're doing, you know, you're like holding your
baby and you're like, I have no idea what I'm
doing right now, just know that like being there right
then and there is enough. M hm. You truly are
an inspiration of motherhood. Um. I know that we've talked
(37:50):
a lot about motherhood, but seriously, you are the person
that I think of when I think of it, and
you're the person that I go to when I have
questions about it or just need to honestly bent about it.
So thank you for being you. Yeah. When I think
of Jade, I just think of her walking down to
the beach in Paradise and all the guys being like
her her. I want her, That's what I think about.
(38:14):
Somehow Tanner, somehow, Tanner landed it the upset of the year. Yeah,
it was talked about for decades. Jane, thanks for joining
us today. Uh, it's always great to catch up with you. Uh.
If you don't mind, please come back and break down
an episode of the Bachelor with us. It'd be a
lot of fun. I would love to. I'm sure Tanner
would give some great takes too. If you ever want
(38:37):
both of you together, Yes, I would love to have
Tanner on so he can say the that we can't. Yeah,
let him get in trouble for one, so they're awesome. Jade,
come back soon. I can't wait to talk to you
um about the show. Thanks for joining us today. Than
bye bye. Followed the Benn and Ashley I Almost Famous
(38:59):
podcast on I Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
Hosts And Creators
Ben Higgins
Ashley Iaconetti
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