September 12, 2023 • 56 mins
Welcome to Ace of Hearts, a dating podcast from every perspective! This week we'll talk with Jesse Nowack and his experiences in the dating scene from a trans man's perspective. Now of course Jesse only speaks for his perspective and experiences, and we have no intent of generalizing anyone or anything about the trans community. Every person is unique and so is their story. Find more Jesse Nowack here
Topics: Trans Men, Gender Identity, Surgery, Sex, Polyamory, LGBTQ+, Dating, Dating Apps, Relationships, Social Links through my (Maddy Goshorn) Production Company Determinal Velocity Facebook: Determinal Velocity Twitter: @DTerminalVeloCT Instagram: determinalvelocity TikTok: determinalvelocity Website: determinalvelocity.com Thank you to The Jellyrox for letting us use their song "Glued" If you think you have a unique perspective that affects your dating life, and would like to talk about it on the show, send us your story at aceofheartspodcast@gmail.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Topics: Trans Men, Gender Identity, Surgery, Sex, Polyamory, LGBTQ+, Dating, Dating Apps, Relationships, Social Links through my (Maddy Goshorn) Production Company Determinal Velocity Facebook: Determinal Velocity Twitter: @DTerminalVeloCT Instagram: determinalvelocity TikTok: determinalvelocity Website: determinalvelocity.com Thank you to The Jellyrox for letting us use their song "Glued" If you think you have a unique perspective that affects your dating life, and would like to talk about it on the show, send us your story at aceofheartspodcast@gmail.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, my Kings, queens and in between's. Welcome to Ace
of Hearts, a dating podcast from every perspective. My name
is Maddie and I am your host for any first
time listeners here, Ace of Hearts is a dating podcast
where I the naive a sexual that I am, talk
(00:21):
to people with an assortment of different backgrounds about their
dating life. Now, before we continue, I just want to
state that we at Ace of Hearts have no intention
of generalizing any lifestyle, race, gender, disability, etc. Our desire
is to hear some love stories or maybe some horror
(00:44):
stories from people who don't always get the spotlight. Every
person is unique and so is their story. And today
we have a guest someone I have been following for
a very long time.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
We have Jesse.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Nowag Jesse, thank you so much for coming on to
the show. Jess, you would you like to introduce yourself
and why or how dating is difficult for you?
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Yeah, totally. My name is Jesse.
Speaker 4 (01:10):
I am an actor, writer, video editor type person. I
guess like it's it's one of those things where when
I talk about, like what makes dating difficult for me,
I don't want to say like I'm trans, because like
that's you know, I don't want it to be like
trans is a bad thing that stops me from dating
or anything. But there are some there's some stologies that
(01:33):
come with that, just from like not everyone is as
knowledgeable about things and stuff and that's usually.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
You're right, I probably should have rephrased that. I probably
should have said what makes dating different or what's your
walk of life that makes dating different? So I apologize
for my for my wording.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
Twenty years from now, I'm sure things will be even better.
Like I'm so fortunate to be dating right now, much
as there can be difficulties, Like I'm I much prefer
it than twenty years before this, and you know, so
things are getting better. But I'm also like polyamorous, so
like that also presents some challenges. Just also the same
problem where people aren't a knowledgeable about things and stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
But so yeah, so you're bringing a whole new, whole
new perspective. Oh I feel like that's a song and
then a song. Oh no, that's a panic at the discospective.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
So it is it's from never mind, it's from Jennifer's Body,
which I just rewatched.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Something this movie. It's so fun, right, that's a fantastic vial.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I feel like people didn't get it.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
It's one of those that's coming back, like the Josie
and the Pussycat movie and like this. But like people
just didn't get some films and now we're watching them now.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Smoochies.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Whatever that movie is with Robin Williams was so fucking
good and just no one got it.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
And I watched it that one. It's a parody of.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
Like Robin Williams plays this like I know we're getting
off top and care.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
It's a good movie. People should watch it.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
It's a movie where Robin Williams plays this like this
guy who's basically like a children's entertainer, you know, like
kind of one of those guys that's like, hey, we're
gonna like learn our ABCS or whatever. And he turns
out to be like a bad guy. So he gets
canceled in like the nineties, and they have to look
for a new guy who's played by Edward Norton, I think,
and he takes over and it turns into like this hole.
(03:40):
It's a really it's a dark comedy that I had
never heard of before. But my writing partner we were
watching a bunch of stuff together that we're trying to
get the vibe for something that we're working on.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
He was like, we should watch Smoochi's whatever, and I.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
Was like, yes, Death to Smoochie, It's great, It's no
one got it.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I've never heard of that. Yeah, and I'm definitely a
Robin Williams fan. Let's just talk about Robin Williams for
a frick an hour.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, this girl podcast.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
This is Robin Williams podcast.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Yeah it's changed. Yeah, boom, let me get a new
intro on here. See, if you're on a date, bring
up Jennifer Body, Jennifer's Body and Robin Williams, and then
you can bring up this podcast as well. So anyways,
uh so Jesse, first, I would like to talk about
like dating as a as a transman. I'll admit i'm
(04:32):
a little I know a little bit of your your
story because I've been following you for a couple of years.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
When did you first realize that you were a transman?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Because I know when I was first following you online,
you identified as a girl. At that point, I believe
unless you just weren't telling the community that you were
a man at that point, Yeah, I think.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
It was like around when I was twenty four or
twenty three, when I was actually like, hm, I'm having
some thoughts that would make some sense of things. But
I knew that being trans would be hard, so I
was like, I just won't be uh So I just
(05:12):
pretended for a while that I wasn't And eventually it
kind of it like you can't just push down thoughts
like that.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Eventually it's gonna you know, because.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
I just wasn't happy. I was like, I'll pretend I'm
not trans. I'm miserable every day of my life, but like,
I don't want to be trans, So I just won't
be trans. And then eventually I got away from some
people that like didn't want me to transition. I went
out on my own learned that that, you know, there's
(05:43):
actually some very cool people that are like, you know,
very supportive of me, and I got in an environment
where I was able to like grow in advance and
like become the person that I was meant to be.
I didn't have the language to communicate what or who
I was at a young age, but like if I
knew the terms for things, probably I would have known
(06:05):
that I was trans at like four or five years old,
Like it really goes back where my mom. It was
not a surprise to her when she learned, Like she
was like, oh, that does make sense because of this, this, this,
and this. I there's different terms that people use that
make themselves comfortable. But I've always been a boy, so
(06:26):
I don't know what it's like to be a girl.
I only know what it's like to have the lived
experience of people thinking that you're a girl and treating
you as such, so I can relate a lot to
the female experience, but I don't actually know what it's
like to be a girl. So sometimes I'm a little
clueless when it comes to female stuff, Like even though
(06:47):
I have some lived experience of it, I don't know
to everything.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
I'm not a trans individual.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I'm definitely a CIS lady, so I definitely don't have
that kind of mindset perspective. And that's very interesting that
you definitely say that, like, if you had the right wording,
you would say that you would be a boy, like
even when you were like a kid.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
No, I think it's incredible.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
I also like didn't really know the words when I
was figured out that I was asexual. I just didn't
date really a lot because it just didn't really seem
interesting to me most of the time. And then when
I had friends who are like, oh, no, I made
out with Josh last night.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I didn't mean to. It's like, how do you not
mean to make out with somebody?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
It was just these situations was like I don't get it,
and I just didn't really have the right like wording
because I thought I was just like man, like, why
is it like people dating and like having sex? And
like I didn't that doesn't why it's not happening to me.
But like you know, but when you finally find the
right words for it, it's just like, oh freaking click,
I can't make sense. No, So I definitely get you
(07:42):
of like kind of finding yourself like in your twenties.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
And so when when you were.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Dating before your transition, would you often tell your partners
about your gender identity?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Uh No, because I, like I didn't know, like you know,
once I once I came out, I was just fully out.
It was mainly just like me being in denial and
like getting drunk at conventions and having heart to hearts
with my friends where I've been.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Like I think I'm a guy. I don't know what's happening. Man, Uh,
like it's cool if you are.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
And I was like, no, that's fine, I'm not everything's fine,
just trying to push everything down. But once I was out,
I was fully out, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I that Yeah, you didn't creak the closet door open,
you opened it with the bazukah.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
Yeah, just like yeah, Jesse's coming out baby, Because like
once you once you figure out that you can be happy,
there's no like shutting the door. The matrix pill analogy
is just so accurate because like you just can't go backwards,
Like once you see what you're, what the world is,
and what your life could be, there's no real shutting
(08:47):
that door.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
There.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
There's there's a lot of people that that you know,
friends and stuff that that, and also strangers sometimes that
message me that that come to me and are like
how do I know I'm trans? And I'm like, listen,
if you have to ask me, I think it's on
your mind. I think you need to like think about
this thing. I can't tell you if you're trans, but
if you, but how long have you been thinking about this?
If it's if it's more that like it's not a
(09:10):
cisgender thoughts to constantly think you're a different gender for
years and not explore it and not you know, like,
I think, I think there's something to it if you've
been thinking about it for this long.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
But I think you should. Uh, you can't consult me.
I'm a stranger. I don't know you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
But let's let's do something deep introspection and you know,
kind of figure yourself out, like you can do it.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
It's cool.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I think that's a good call. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I think that's being a very good supportive member of
the community.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Because people want the easy answer. People want me to
tell them that they're trans, you know, so then it's
not on them. But unfortunately it's a thing that only
you know.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yeah, just figuring it out. Everyone's got to just figure
themselves out. So when you did figure yourself out, when
you started identifying as a man, like, how frequently would
that be brought up?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I suppose in in dates?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
What were some discussions that you must have had between people,
have like either first dates or I don't know if
you were dating anyone at that time when you.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Decided to.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Out yourself out, I don't know, you started to bust
open that closet.
Speaker 4 (10:16):
Yeah, so I like formally came out just like on Twitter.
I think June first of I think it was twenty eighteen,
because it was like the first day of Pride month,
and I was like, eh, fuck it, like let's just
do it, let's pull the.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Band aid off.
Speaker 4 (10:34):
And I was dating someone at the time who did
not know that they were trans, but has since like
a couple months into us dating, came out as non binary,
and so we kind of like we're also learning as
we as we went along and both kind of helping
each other in that way. But the social transition started
(10:56):
only like six months before the physical transition. I started
tesoscerone because I had repressed myself for so long that
I was like, I'm just I want to be happy.
I'm so tired of being miserable. Let's just like do
everything at once. And I was so fortunate that I
was able to just like that's that's next. January I
(11:19):
got on testoscerone, and then that March I got top surgery.
So I was like out the gate, let's fucking go
do as much shit as possible. And it was incredible
and I was able to like put myself in a
headspace where I could learn and grow and actually like
who I was and learned who I was as a person.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
You know, there's a lot.
Speaker 4 (11:37):
Of talk about, I guess, changing yourself as a trans
person in order to be comfortable in your skin, but
I think it's it's more about staying the same and
learning who you are and not running from who you are,
because like, at my core and at my base, I've
always been this person. I just didn't know how to
(11:58):
love myself. I guess I didn't. I couldn't accept that
I could be happy. I wanted to live this other
life and pretend I was this other person because I
knew the other path was more difficult, even though that's
the one that would make me happy. Sometimes you have
to become other people to know who you are. So
like you know, when I when I first uh when
(12:19):
you when you go into sacerone, it doesn't make you
more aggressive, but it does accentuate things that are already
inside of you. Uh. So I went through a fuck boyface,
like I think every trans man goes through a fuck
boyface of some kinds, where we're just kind of shitty,
like we don't like women. And and it's understandable because
(12:42):
society has conditioned us to do that to survive in
order to fit in, you know, like like I blended
in with shitty guys because I could be like.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
See, I'm like, I'm one of you.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I hate girls too, like you know, and it's much
easier to be the bully than be bullied.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Is it possible that is also like internalization of like
not liking women because that's what you were told you
were and for such a long time that just felt
so like wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Is there I don't know that just speculation.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Yeah, for sure, there's a there's a lot of like
internalized misogyny. I think that that's uh we dealt with
because like I, when I analyze and think about my
behavior pre transition, I was also kind of shitty eat
to women. I didn't like women, and uh, you know
now I understand what those thoughts were because it was
yucky to think about the fact that people thought I
(13:32):
was a girl. So I if I if I go
to the complete opposite side of the spectrum, then that
will help, that will protect me. So when I first
started dating, I was that I don't know, I don't
like who I was. I was.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
I had a lot of growing to do.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
I was in not a good situation pre transition, and
I you know, I got away from abuse and I
got into this relationship with this this person that I had,
you know, been dating when I transitioned, who figured out
that they were non binary, and they gosh, if you've
(14:08):
dated a god bless anyone who dates a trans person
like early in their transition, because it is charity work.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Like there's so much that.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
They had to deal with with me that I'm like,
you know, I think back and it's so cringe.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
But they turned me into a good person.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
But that was half the work, right, Like another person
can only do so much. I had to do a
lot of introspection and like turn myself into a good
person because I didn't like who I was, and I
knew that they were going to love me no matter what.
So I needed to remove myself from the situation because
I wasn't treating them with the respect and love that
they deserved. So I went off on my own, and
(14:50):
you know, we were living together. I told them, like, hey,
you're great. I'm the problem. I need to remove myself
from the situation. I need to, like, because I never
lived on my own at that point, and I moved
out on my own, and I was able to like
date other like I would have been able to date
other people when I was with them because we were polyamorous.
But I, you know, I broke We broke up, you know,
(15:13):
and so I I stopped dating for a bit. After that,
I tried dating. I got I did the typical trans
dude thing of dating.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
I don't know, I don't know if there's a term.
Speaker 4 (15:28):
For it, but there's a there's a specific like brand
of cis white woman that thinks that they are woke,
but they are not. They'd like they'd like date trans
people in order to feel something.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
So they just want to be a part of the movement,
but not in a genuine way.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yeah, like they're they they're just like they're just turfy.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Like they're just interesting.
Speaker 4 (15:56):
Yeah, they say and do racist turfy shit. But they
think that they are allowed to because they are a woman.
And that is the most most you can suffer as
a human. Like they just they have no self awareness
of how other people see them and how they treat
other people. It's just like a very small lens of
(16:16):
the world. And I, in my brain, I'm always that
person that's like I.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Can fix them.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
So like whether it's been with like men or women,
Oh no, So I stay with those those girls.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
For way too long.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
And my ex girlfriend that I got around that time
really opened my eyes to I was like, I don't
deserve this, this, I need to like stop dating CIS
women for a bit. So, like I'm still in that
state right now where I took I think I haven't dated.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
A SIS woman in two or three years.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
I just kind of took a break because it's also
I think the age that I am, the older you get,
the more people will mature to your level. And as
a trans you do have to like trans people can
can be tend to be very very mature because we
have to think so much about who we are and
(17:09):
what we want in the world and sexuality and bodies
and all that shit. So I was dating a lot
of women who were not at the same maturity level
as I was. Communication is very important to me, just
like just stuff that, Like I wasn't gelling on the
same level as the people who are my age, So
I was like, I'll just get older and then yeah,
now I'm now I'm thirty, and so like I'm dating
(17:32):
a lot or I'm finding and becoming friends with a
lot of sis women who are comfortable and happy and
mature and are able to meet me at that level.
And I haven't started dating any of them yet, but
it feels good to know that they exist.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
There are some good ladies out there.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Yeah, and I had to stop trying to fix people
because you can't fix everyone. You can only you can't.
Sometimes you can't even fix people who want to be fixed.
Like it's you know, I worked on myself and that's
what I've been going through.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
But I forget what the original question you asked about was.
But I that is okay.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
This was fantastic though, that is totally fine.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
This was a great look into the world that you're in,
so I absolutely appreciated it. So some of these individuals
I'd love to know, like how did you meet some
of them? Was it in like work? Was it like
social was it dating apps? Did they have lots of
questions like in the first couple of dates, especially if
they were trying to see them all aloke?
Speaker 4 (18:29):
Yeah, it's like I've met them all over. They could
grow in any environments. I met them on dating apps,
it's you know, anime conventions, through friends. I love a
girl with a sense of humor, and so being funny
is great. It's a real way to hook me. But gosh,
(18:50):
you don't see the other characteristics until later. Yeah, it's
like it's been a big blind spot of mind that
I've been trying to work on. Is just like a
Tessos run has honestly really helped with this. But I
attached to girls who could make me laugh because I
thought that equivocated with, you know, to being a good person.
(19:10):
But a lot of people use their trauma in order
to be funny.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Allah me, I get it. That's great.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
I got a dark sense of humor, but sometimes people
use that to involve a sense of humor. But then
also just let the trauma, let them treat other people
like shit. They're not like looking inward and changing and growing.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
As a person.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yeah, I know lots of people like thatf for it's like,
I'm sorry, stuff happened to you. However, you're in your thirties.
You can't use that as an excuse.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Now it is on you exactly for your actions. Yeah,
I told you get that.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
No, like you were you were asking if they like
ask questions or anything like that. It's more that they assume,
and that's the problem I think is they're not asking
the questions, like I'm fine, I'm I'm an open book,
like if people dating hooking up with or asking things
in respectful ways, I'll answer whatever. But I think they
just they were like, oh, I know, I know about transmen,
(20:07):
don't worry, and then would get shit wrong all the time,
and that that was mainly the problem of like how
funny I hook up with transmen all the time, so
I kind of kind of an expert.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm like, that's not the flex you think it is.
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
If anyone uses the phrase I'm really into transman h
or like I'm really attracted to transman, it's immediate immediately
I stop feeling anything for them. And that's a problem
because there's like I'm making out with someone in a
hallway and then they say it and I'm like, we
were about to have sex, Like I come on, like
I feel nothing for you now, man, but you're hot
(20:45):
and I want to feel things for you. But then
we start doing things and I can't get hard, and
I'm like, well, I guess I guess I'm not attracted
to you anymore.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
But this sucks. Because I want to be attracted to you.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
I would love to just forget that you said that,
But my dick isn't working now, do gim me dde.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Yeah, And there's kind of like an arrogance, a pride,
and I don't know, maybe that's just a part of
our Western culture where it's so difficult to say that
you're wrong about something, asking questions and like vulnerability and
because that's seen as a weakness or something.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
This is just my speculation of like cause I know
so many people who the pride is just like rolling
off of them, and it's like it is hard to
have a conversation with you because you are like either
correcting every word I'm saying, or you're saying the same
exact thing I'm saying, but with different words to make
it seem like you're smarter whatever. Like it's and but
I feel like I've known quite a few people who just.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Have via that pride.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I don't know, not that I'm trying to defend any
of these ladies, they definitely sound like they have some
growing to do.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Yeah, No, it's it's I was talking with my friend
the other day about this, Like I think all the time.
I have conversations like this where people seem to be
afraid of being wrong. But the thing is, like, it's
great to be wrong. You're learning things about the world,
like ask questions, be curious, like in respectful ways.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Yeah, just be humble about it.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
Yeah, yeah, because like if the worst case is if
I get something wrong, I correct myself or I would
say thank you for teaching me that, and then I'm
right all of a sudden because I've absorbed the correct
information and now I'm like, you know, it's not that
I'm always right, It's just that I'm okay with accepting
other information, and so I just correct what was in
(22:25):
my brain and then I'm right all of a sudden.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I was wrong before and now I'm right.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Now you know, you've gained knowledge, You've gained like a
feet in your skill tree. It's incredible. You're not perfect
from like the second you're you're able to start to talk,
or you know, you finish your elementary school or college, like,
you still have so much learning and you will continue
to learn until you die.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's a good thing. That's a good thing.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
Yeah, Like I'm a I'm a himbo. Like honestly, like,
there's a lot of shit I don't know. If you
asked me to point out somewhere on a map, I
won't be able to tell you. Like all of my
skill points were put in wisdom and none in intelligence.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
So that's where I approach the world from.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
So I'm I get shit wrong sometimes and I'll and
I'll say it. I'm not afraid of saying that I'm wrong,
because what I fear the people who are not okay
with saying that they're wrong.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Not to generalize or anything, but do you think that's
common in the trans community, that these individuals are more
humble and more open minded?
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Yeah, totally, Yeah, Like, uh, because because you know, in
in relationships I was, I was talking about how I'm
much more mature in areas that I'm shocked that other
people aren't, and it's it's because I had to think
about things for so long. Trans people can go in
all sorts of directions, like there are a lot of
trans men that are just pieces of shit, and it
(23:45):
always just boggles my mind.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But I understand.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
I get it, Like you've just been poisoned by toxic
masculinity and trying to blend in and shit that like
there are there's plenty of trans people that hate trans
people and it sucks. But that's like why I'm not
really friends with a lot of uh transmen specifically, Uh,
I wanted to get more in touch with like like
(24:08):
like knowing about transmen and the community and stuff, because
I kind of isolated myself from that part of my
life specifically. I was I'm friends with trans women and
on binary individuals, but transmen, I didn't have a lot
of like I don't have any friends, Like I'm just
not you know. So I so I follow some transmen
on Instagram and I have to keep unfollowing them every
couple of months because they're either they're pushing NFTs or
(24:29):
they're like saying some dumb shits or they're misogynistic. And
I'm like, what, this is why we got to stop
this shit, Like this is why I'm not friends with
transmen because like a lot of us fucking suck. We
didn't do a lot of growing an introspection and like
like just nut up, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Like don't push NFTs?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Yeah, what like do you not have any friends that
are telling you not to do this?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Why is this Why is this you?
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Now?
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Yeah, if you don't mind me.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Asking what is your gender sexual preference? And I know
you said you're polyamorous, but that doesn't exactly mean straight
or by or pan.
Speaker 4 (25:06):
Yeah, Like it's funny because like, if I'm honest, I'm
more attracted to CIS women. But I've just like taken
so much time off because I'm it's hard to be
attracted to someone that you are repulsed by, you know,
like when I've when I've had so many bad experiences,
it's making me. It made me generalize in a way
where I was like, Okay, no more SIS girls for
a while, which I think is something that's trans people
(25:30):
go through a lot of of like Okay, no more
of this these SIS people, We're going to take a break.
I understand T for T relationships, which is transfer trans
Like it's it's trans people that like prefer to date
other other trans people. And I understand because there's nothing
like dating another trans person Like the first time I
experienced it. I understand, like it's someone that understands like
(25:54):
what you're going through and what you've had to like
experience in life. Yeah, but I'm pretty open into whoever
I think I've kind of the last few years, I've
only been really hooking up with assis men or non
binary people with penises, just because it's easier. You could
just go on an app and just find a dick.
(26:16):
You could like ordering a pizza and just you know,
a lot easier, a lot less drama.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Is that an app findmydick dot com or something about
that grider, so that uh.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
So it's it's easier if thinking about my future, I
do see myself like if I am married one day,
I can see myself married to a CIS woman. But
I just I needed people to catch up with the
right person. Yeah, like I'm not even this like I'm
not this like perfect individual, Like I have my issues too,
But when I I'm not going to settle, like I
can't even begin to grow if i'm if I can't
(26:50):
be with a person that wants to grow with me.
So I took a lot of time off and I
just worked on myself. I want someone to like step
up to the plate, you know, where I don't have
to like do a shit.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
Ton of work to make sure that they treat me decently.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
I think also growing up right, uh, we kind of
learn about ourselves of like I need to find someone
who's confident in themselves or not going to be too
clingy or jealous. I feel like it's something like in
your twenties especially, there's no easy way to learn it.
You just have to date some crappy people to kind
of figure out what you what you need from your relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
And it and it sucks because like I'm thirty and
I feel like my life is just beginning. You know,
I'm fully medically transitioned. You know, I've had foul plasty
top surgery, like and.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
File a plasty is that? Is that the top surgery.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Uh, foul plasty is dick surgery. There's there's two different
bottom surgeries that you can have. Uh yeah, there's a
there's metoida plasty and there's foul plasty. Foul plasty is
the one where you take a skin graft from somewhere
on your body. Mine's on my left arm and they
make it, make it dingus and it's real cool. You
make it ordering ordering a dick. We're just talking about that.
(27:59):
That's a literal ordering of a dick. It's all, yeah,
it's all it's all custom made, really real neat.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
I'm sorry, I'm imagining when you say custom made, I'm
thinking like cars and like how some of the cars
have those like hydraulic.
Speaker 4 (28:14):
Yeah, I want a bristed power penis. I would like, Uh,
I want to where's my robot dick?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Why not? Yeah, where's the suture? So no robot dick
(28:45):
at the moment. But how do you feel.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Now going through?
Speaker 4 (28:49):
It really feels like you're My life is just starting
now because like if you were to look at me
naked in a men's locker room, you wouldn't be able
to tell the difference between me and assist man.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
So I go out in the.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
World and people are just they treat me a certain
way and they just expect me they like I. You know,
Passing is a term in the trans community. For like
it means passing as sis gender and trans people have
different thoughts on that, you know, like some some trans
people don't want to pass.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Some people don't believe in passing.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Some people are like, yeah, we should all just you know,
and I understand all the perspectives. But for me, I'm
I'm very fortunate that I that I do pass, because
it doesn't I don't have to deal with as much
stress or anything as as other people might just because
culturally people want us to look a certain way and
all that, and for me, what I need to do,
needed to do for my piece was to to look
(29:46):
this way. So I'm glad that I'm that I'm able
to personally because I don't suffer dysphoria anymore. It's basically
just it's been reduced to like ninety nine like five
percent of the time. I'm fantastic, and I strugg I
only say ninety nine percent because I struggled to think
of the last time I felt ysphoria. So I'm fortunate
(30:07):
that I don't have to deal with other other things,
you know, like you know, if I didn't pass, if
like people were going to be aggressive to me or whatever,
and I you know, uh, and you experience that at
the beginning of the transition. But yeah, I feel like
my I'm I'm starting life now at thirty, where I
have my Dick, and I just I couldn't be happier.
(30:31):
It's a weird feeling. It's because I didn't think I'm
you know, like to like being a little dark, Like
I didn't think I was going to live this long,
so like, I don't know, what to do with the
time now that I have so dating and all that,
it really puts things in perspective where now I'm so
confident and secure that I'm like, yeah, I don't I
don't want to date someone that I'm not going to
be happy with. So I'm not settling. And that means
(30:53):
that I've been alone for a bit. Like I have
a handful of like casual partners, but they're all married,
and they they have they're dating other people and their
spouses are dating other people and all that, and they
don't none of them live in the same state as me.
So I have a lot of free time and I'm
able to just chill by myself and be just I'm
really happy.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yeah, focus on your creative projects, and yeah, just be
who you are.
Speaker 4 (31:17):
Like, I'm really happy in my life and my career,
and I enjoy the people I'm hooking up with. But
sometimes I do think about, like how I haven't had
a serious partner in two or three years, and I
wonder if that's something that I would like to do,
And I think about it, but I can't even begin
to think about it if really, because who am I
going to date? I don't know who is mature enough
(31:41):
for me and who I can be comfortable and happy with.
So I guess I'm kind of just sitting around and
waiting and seeing if someone enters my life.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Who is like that and comes along.
Speaker 4 (31:52):
We'll think about it when we get to the bridge,
But right now, I don't even know if the bridge
exists or where it is, so I'm just kind of vibing.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
This is the first verse in your song, and you're
just like you're ready for that chorus to hit. The
songs go, and the song's existing. You just don't know
how it's gonna wrap up at the end.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
That's a cool romantic thought, right is to think about,
Like my future wife is like somewhere out there, I
just don't know. Yeah, she's living her life and like,
you know, I'll meet her someday and that's cool.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
That's very sweet.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Would you say that you're a romantic then, I know
you said you're polyamorous, but do you want a long
term partner maybe even marriage.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
It's a good question, and it's something I think about
a lot because I'm I'm actually somewhere on the a
romantic scale, and that's just because of tessoserone therapy, and
that's that's a possible side effect of it, is losing
your romantic attraction to people. But I am very at
my heart, like I care a lot about people, and
I love my friends, and I love all kinds of relationships,
(32:51):
you know, whether they're sexual or platonic or romantic. It's
not that I don't feel romantic attraction, it's just more
rareer for me. Tesoserone kind of can kind of dull
it a little bit. But through switching up my dosages,
I've I've I wouldn't be able to quickly explain it
(33:12):
to you. But basically, like when you're taking tesoserone, if
you get like the more that you are front loading,
the more you're more side effects you're going to have.
So there was a point in time where I was
doing bi weekly shots instead of once a week shots,
and that just increased like all of the puberty, the
male puberty stuff where my acne was worse, my sex
(33:35):
drive was just like off the charts, like all these
effects were happening.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Would you call it a second puberty.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Yeah, that's that's the term trans people use for, like
the second puberty. Like this is like this is the okay,
I didn't know second time is a chart.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
We're gonna get it right this time.
Speaker 4 (33:53):
On my journey, like my dosages have changed, I was
like a cool effect that I thought might happen and
i've really recently has happened is that I'm able to
cry for the first time in like two or three years,
which has been really cool. I didn't realize I missed
that that that can be a side effective testosterone where
I just I was able to access my tear ducts
(34:15):
if I was playing a character or I was voice acting,
but as myself, I wasn't really able to cry for
like two or so years. And I realize, like, oh,
if I switch up my shots to every four days,
I might like start, you know, being able to cry.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
And I have.
Speaker 4 (34:33):
I've like I hit a sweet spot where I don't
I still can't cry for more than I want to say,
like eight seconds at a time, but I'm I'm feeling
the emotions from like emotional commercials and like I teared
up a lot watching the fucking Matilda musical and like
(34:54):
these things where I realize, like, oh I can cry now,
that's cool, But it's really a great sweet spot where
I'm not crying because of like something making me angry.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (35:07):
I'm not crying because of things that make me angry
or sad. I'm crying because I saw a video on
Facebook where a cat and a bunny are friends, you know, Like,
I love that sweet spot. I hope it stays at
this level because I.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Love being able to feel the release.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
I didn't realize that I missed crying. But that also
means that my romantic attraction to people is kind of
slowly starting to rear its head again. So you know,
who knows if I'm gonna feel something for someone, you know,
But that's a good sign of, like, you know, the
situation has changed, Like, oh, I wasn't interested in romance
(35:42):
for a while, but now I might be. Let's see
if the right person awakens something in me, you know.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Yeah, for sure, your body's trying to find that like
that stasis again where it partly I can be itself. Well,
I think that's very sweet that, after some time figuring
yourself out, that you're now like looking actively for a
romantic love partner.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
This could be a whole new story for you.
Speaker 4 (36:05):
Yeah, because I used to be very romantic before tasasroone.
So now I'm able to do it in a healthy way.
Where before I was like I hate myself, so I
need someone to make me feel good. And now it's
like I love myself and I would also be cool
with someone loving me and me being able to love
someone else, Like it's a it's love in a healthy way,
(36:26):
the way that like it should exist.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
And once again, I think that comes with experience and
time of like figuring out that you need to be
happy with yourself before another person can make you extra happy,
because if you put too much steak in another person,
you're like a wobbly bridge. You know, one false step
and the whole thing could snap because you're putting so
much emotional steak in another person.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4 (36:52):
You gotta have a strong base, like the foundation has
to be solid before I'm comfortable in a relationship like
That's that's why I I left the one that I
was in is it's like you're great. The problem is
not you, it's I'm not a fully formed person because
I haven't been able, I haven't been allowed to be
fully formed before this point. I need to go out
(37:12):
and live on my own and figure out who I am.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Have you had a lot of discrimination in the dating scene,
either through the dating app, messaging, or in person.
Speaker 4 (37:25):
Fortunately that it hasn't really affected me being able to
like find anyone to date. Like, I'm very fortunate that
like people are.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I guess I'm.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
An individual that people want to date and hook up
with because I am I'm you're a cool guy.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
Yeah, I hope it.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Looks it seems that way that that there are people
that are trying to date or hook up with me
all the time.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
So I do have a lot of there's no douchey
way to say that, but.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Yeah, no, it's great. I'm glad these people are just
flock to you.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
Yeah, Like I feel like a douche. Uh, I'm fortunate.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
I'm fortunate that I'm not bad looking and I have
an okay personality, so people tend to gravitate towards me.
So I do have a lot of like, uh, people
that are willing and able. The issue is mainly just
finding people who have knowledge of transmen, because like, that's
not really something that I thought I needed going in,
(38:28):
but it is. It's so nice to like message with
someone and not have to explain everything to them like
and the other day I was doing the preemptive questions
of like, so, like, have you have you hooked up
with transmen before? Because usually they will bring to the
table something weird or fetishy to say, and I'll know
(38:51):
not to talk to them anymore. I'll be polite, but
I'll kind of ghost them a little bit, like trend
out of messaging them.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
But it's nice.
Speaker 4 (38:59):
When when they are not being fetishy at all and
we're just having normal conversation, because then I have to
be a fetishy I have to bring up that I'm trans,
so I have to say the weird thing that like
it would be weird if they said it to me,
but I have to say it because you know, if
someone was like, I've hooked up with transman before, I'd
be like red flag. But because we've been talking for
a bit and you haven't brought up the fact that
I'm trans, now I have to bring it up. So
(39:20):
I'm like, have you hooked up with transman before? And
he was like, yeah, no, I've I've I've hooked up
with and I've I had some long term relationship with
ships with with transman. I see that you you talk
about in your bio that you that you have a dick?
Did you do me tooido plastic or foul plastic if
you don't mind me asking? And it was so hot,
(39:41):
like I never had a sis man, like you know
the terminology, and like bring that on. I was and
in my head, I was like, I'll suck your dick
right now. I don't even we've had We've only been
talking for like ten minutes, and I like, do you
want to come over?
Speaker 3 (39:56):
Do you want to have coffee? I don't let you know.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
It's it's knowledge is sexy.
Speaker 4 (40:00):
Knowledge is so sexy. So it's very it's very nice
Grinder for me. I'm fortunate and I have a different
experience now that I pass and everything. I have different
issues on Grinder than transmen who don't pass, because sometimes
people were messaging me, like before I had bottom surgery,
(40:21):
they would message me, not realizing that I put trans
in my bio, and then they'd be like, ah shit,
I'm so sorry. I'm I don't think we're a match.
I did not see that, and I'm sorry about that.
I'm like, ye, any worries I have. I hear horror
stories about Grinder, but I've had great experiences with it
just because of my privilege and and everything that comes
(40:43):
along with me. There's some CIS guys on Grinder that
are not as knowledgeable about transmen, but like find us
hot and want to fuck us, and those have been
interesting where pre bottom surgery, I was like messaging with
this dude, like really hot sis dude, not all not
all the brains going up in that boy, but god
(41:03):
he had an eight pack and a huge dick. But
he was like we never actually ended up hooking up
because he was talking to me and talking about how
he hooks up with transmen all the time and he
doesn't have to wear a condom. And I was like, hey,
you know that tasacerone isn't birth control, right and he
was like, yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
It is.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
I was like, oh no, and it's not.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
Actually transman can get pregnant and he was like, oh, so,
like did you do you want did you want to
hook up? I was like I'm good man, man, thank you,
though I would like to wear a condom and he
was like all right, that's fair, and then we stopped talking.
But it is just it's very funny that like the
most the most that's the most aggressive messages I got
(41:49):
when I was living in West Philly, which is like
a very queer area. It seems to be for me
when I started passing and stuff people CIS men are,
with my experience, at least, it seems like they are
too horny to be hateful. I guess they're just they're
(42:13):
just dumb. They're not like trying to be offensive. So
like the more offensive things I would get from CIS
women that I was dating and hooking up with, and
the guys that I would hook up on a grinder
with would just be kind of ignorant, and then I
would explain things to them and they'd be like, oh cool,
and then they were fine. You know, it's interesting seeing
(42:33):
the opposite side of things because you would assume that
the guys would be more like aggressive. But like the
one time I almost got hate crimed on a dating
app was Tinder, It wasn't Grinder.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Grinder.
Speaker 4 (42:44):
I think the guys are just too horny, Like they're
just they're they're not trying to like hate crime anyone
on purpose.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
They're just they're just trying to like nut.
Speaker 4 (42:53):
So that's been my experience with Grinder, and I've been
very fortunate because like there are. There are weird people
on there, and there are like bad people on there,
but I don't really run into them.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
No, I mean that's that's great.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
I'm glad that you're not facing discrimination on the day
to day basis. Then that you found your niche, then
you can just be happy and thrive.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (43:15):
No, it's you form your circles, you figure out what
you want in your life, and a luckily grinder is
a place where, like I can just if I'm not
vibing with someone, or if someone says something weird, I
can just like block them and then move on.
Speaker 3 (43:28):
There's lots of other people on there.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Yeah, amazing.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Would you say you're also good at just like letting
things go, na now that you're go pumped up with testosterone.
Speaker 4 (43:38):
Like letting things go as in like if someone says
something weird or well, yeah, you.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
Just said, like these CIS men are just so confident.
Do you feel like you've gotten to that level of
confidence right aside them with just going.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
For what you want.
Speaker 4 (43:53):
I became himbo once I started like working out and
the amount of testosterone in my body balanced. I'm just
way more chill than I used to be. I used
to be so like emotional and manic and just sad
and crying all the time. And now I'm just chill,
(44:13):
like I didn't cry for two years. I'm I'm just
very chill. And I guess that is also part of
why people enjoy like being with me, whether it's in
like a platonic or sexual, romantic or whatever context.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
I make people feel safe.
Speaker 4 (44:32):
Is the most common thing I hear, and that's that's
very nice, and that means a lot to me.
Speaker 3 (44:36):
I feel like that's the most important thing.
Speaker 4 (44:38):
I love making people happy, and I love making people
feel comfortable. So I owe a lot to Testacerone for
making me so chill, like making and.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Making you who you are, and I love that.
Speaker 1 (44:53):
As I've been like making this podcast, it's been very
fun to kind of like talk to all these individuals,
and as much as we do talk about like dating
and who they are a there's so many fun just
like life little lessons we just learned along the way
of being happy who you are, like finding your right circles.
Time matures you, and it's just it's very fun to
kind of hear these like beautiful life lessons from all
these people, from all these different walks of life. So
(45:16):
I think we are wrapping up our interview, but I
would love to ask, since you have like this space,
would you like to give advice to individuals who are
dating transmen or people who are trans men like looking
like in the dating field, Like, would you like to
(45:36):
give any advice.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
I guess for like you know, for other trans men,
I guess, like or other trans people in general. But
also this is good advice for anyone. Be patient, but
also don't settle, Like I'm it takes a lot for
me to I give people a lot of chances. I'm all,
I'm everyone's kind of like imperfect intro trans dude, because
(45:59):
I teach them with kindness and patience and I'm able to,
like I'm comfortable telling them, like, hey, maybe use this
phrasing if you would like that that this is like
you know, you're not actually supposed to say this thing
or whatever. Sis people don't realize you're not supposed to
do is use they them pronouns for all trans people. Uh,
(46:21):
it's kind of like training wheels where if you don't
know someone's pronouns, and like, you know, some people use
day them pronouns for everyone, and they think maybe.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
That's the correct way to do it.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
But for some trans people it's offensive to use day
of them pronouns for them, like like for me, like I,
I only use he him.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
I don't like when people use they for me.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
And it's because to to to put it is that
I pass right, So like I don't think about the
fact that I'm trans. Other people remind me that I'm
trans when they.
Speaker 3 (46:55):
Use they them.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
Sorry about that.
Speaker 4 (46:58):
Entire podcast, You're good, Like I find in the context
of it, it's just when I'm like out in the world,
you know, And but I can understand why people would
think they then you know, you're being equal, like right,
But like sometimes gender for some people, gender doesn't matter,
you know, and for some people gender is very important
(47:20):
to them as a person, Like we don't have to
we can have gender without having gender roles, if that
makes sense. People don't like gender roles and like that's
totally legit. But for me existing out in the world,
I don't think about it until someone uses they them
for me, and I feel comfortable correcting them to be like, hey,
just so you know, I like hee him, so don't
(47:42):
use they them for me, and they'll be like, oh okay,
Like it's it seems like an obvious thing, but they
don't think about it until someone points it out to them.
And that's a lot of the things that I.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
Am fortunate that I keep.
Speaker 4 (47:55):
I only keep people in my circle now that I
would be comfortable, like I don't people will correct a
transperson on a thing, like, for example, if I were like, hey,
just use hee him for me, and you know, if
someone would be like, oh, I use they them for everyone,
and I'm like, that's cool. I'm asking you to please
use him for me because like for me, someone using
she her for me, for example, doesn't do anything to me.
(48:18):
It doesn't cause me dysphori it doesn't like do anything
because like that's clearly either someone from my past who
is who has just had trouble catching up. But honestly,
I'm almost five years into my transition. It doesn't really
happen to me anymore. Or it's just a transphobe who
is trying to behte ful on purpose, but like, you're
not going.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
To make me experienced this for like what are you doing?
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Like I had to do that recently with someone that's
I just started working with, and I was nervous about
it because I was like, oh man, I'm just like
I'm starting this new gig and I don't know if
I want to like whatever, But I stuck to my
guns and I was like, hey, just so you know,
I would like this, and he was like cool, thank
you for letting me know. And that was it, Like
that was the conversation. That's that's all you need to do.
(49:00):
And I realized that I'm like making people worse by
not correcting them, right, because like, I'm comfortable and happy
in my body, I'm fully rounded out. I guess if
that makes sense. Nothing really pierces into me anymore. I
don't experience dysphoria, and I don't like, you know, not
that all. You know, all trans people don't have to
(49:21):
experience this for you. There's no one way to be trans.
But for me as a person, I'm pretty like, I'm
pretty tough, long like, I don't nothing really affects me
in that way. But if I don't correct someone on something,
they might accidentally say something in front of another transperson
who may may not be having as good of a day,
you know, or might not be as comfortable with themselves
(49:43):
or not as much into their transition as I am
so like I'm actively making my friends worse by not
letting them know that they did something wrong. Yeah, and
once I started realizing that, I was like, oh, okay,
now it's not just for me. So with that in mind,
I'm able to like talk to people. And that's also
you know, bringing it back around. This started because you
(50:04):
asked me what advice I have for people like me,
So also that's that's some advice. Also is let your
friends know if if you want them to use terms
for you that are more comfortable, like talk to talk
to your people, because I want to make sure that
I am giving people knowledge so that they can go
out in the world and and be more kind to
(50:25):
the world and so people that they might not have
the lived experience of those are.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
My those are my suggestions. Be patient, be patient, but
also don't settle.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
Don't settle, and then also feel free, like speak up
for yourself, but you.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Don't have to be rude or malicious about it.
Speaker 4 (50:41):
Yeah, just just advocate for yourself. People are going to
take your tone how they will. Like I remember like
what a shithead I used to be, where like I
didn't know that I was trans yet, but like I
remember like a trans woman corrected me on something, and
I remember thinking she was so rude for for correcting
me on something of how to like talk to her.
(51:01):
And now I think back on that, I'm like, she
just asked me to do a thing.
Speaker 3 (51:05):
There was no tone in her voice like there was.
She just asked something.
Speaker 4 (51:10):
To make her more comfortable, And I think about how
fucking stupid I was for thinking that. So, like, there
are gonna be people who think you're being rude even
when you're not, but just be patient with it, like
I know it sucks. Like the right people will be like, oh,
I'm sorry and correct themselves, and the wrong people will
maybe leave your life, and that's cool because you don't
need that fucking energy. But and for others that aren't
(51:34):
like me, I guess the advice would be, it's it's okay.
I think in most instances, if you don't know someone's
pronouns and you use the them for them, but then
like you go on their Twitter, like you go on
find their pronouns or just ask them if you can't
find them anywhere. What my brain does is like if
(51:55):
I don't know someone's pronouns, I will find them before
I meet the person in real life, you know, or
I talked to them, people have them listened in their
Twitter bios, people have them, you know, or just ask
a friend and worst case, just ask them. It's better
than saying something that makes them feel shitty. And you know,
it might not be obvious to other people, but like
if you mess up on someone's pronounce, just correct it
(52:16):
and move on and like don't say anything else about it,
you know, like just.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
Yeah, just like we were saying earlier, right, humility is
so important.
Speaker 4 (52:23):
If it don't make us feel bad, because then that's
the opposite of it. If you're like, I'm so sorry,
and like you make a big deal of it, then
we feel like we're the problem, you know, like because
now we've put a full stop and like, oh, if
I wasn't trans, then we wouldn't be embarrassed right now,
you know, So just y'all correct and move on. I
know it's like it's it's a very basic thing to me,
but but I'm thinking now about like what things weren't basic.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
So there you go.
Speaker 4 (52:45):
There's some there's some info that maybe if you didn't
know it, now you do.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
Yeah, no, I mean, this is your time to tell
people your story, your experiences and hopefully just pass along
those seeds of wisdom and people grow.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
From them even fantastic. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (52:59):
Is there anything you'd like to plug or that's something
that you're working on, or or if you have social
media or.
Speaker 2 (53:05):
Your grinder profile, if anyone wants to come find you.
Speaker 4 (53:09):
Yeah, I'm I'm no whacking on most things now A
c K I n G. I'm no whacking on Twitter
and Twitch and YouTube. I do a show on YouTube
called Pink Blue where I have tracked my transition since
the very beginning, and I do videos on sexuality and
a series of vlogs where I was preparing for foul Plast.
(53:34):
I track my you know, fellow stage zero one two,
I had the rod removed.
Speaker 3 (53:42):
It's a it's a whole whole thing I'm getting to
put in putting.
Speaker 4 (53:45):
I'm gonna get put back in next July. So like
there's gonna be another long vlog about that. But basically
there's there's videos for everyone on my channel, whether you
want something more long form or if you want just
a more actualized thing of me just talking about trainshit,
and it's not just transhit like I talk about queer
stuff on the show, I'm I'm also I'm no whackting
(54:09):
hell yeah. On Instagram, that's the only one that I
have a different name on.
Speaker 2 (54:13):
Yes, go find Jesse, go see what he is doing.
All right? Amazing? Well, thank you so much Jesse for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (54:19):
Yeah, no problem, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Ugh, that was so much fun talking to Jesse.
Speaker 1 (54:23):
I really have been a fan of his stuff for years,
so it was so cool to be able to talk
to him today. I feel like my main takeaway, and
obviously you can take away whatever you want, but I
think my biggest thing is don't be afraid to ask
questions about someone if you don't understand something, or if
you don't know about something, if you don't understand it,
(54:46):
it's okay to ask questions. Just be respectful, don't ask
it in a judgmental way. But it's okay to learn.
In fact, that's the only way we're going to get
better at things. And you know, I'm asking questions. I'm
learning so much and this is incredible and I love it.
At least for me, I'm having a great time. I
hope you're having a great time too. Thank you guys
so much for listening. I hope you did a little
(55:06):
bit of laughing and learning and loving today. Thank you
again to Matt Langston from the Jeli Rocks for letting
us use their song Glued. You can find their song
down below if you're looking for more.
Speaker 5 (55:16):
Of their work.
Speaker 1 (55:17):
If you love what you heard today, feel for to
leave a review and or a rating. And if you
think you have a perspective or story to tell, please
send us an email, come back next week or more
unconventional love stories. And remember don't keep your cards too
close to your chest.
Speaker 2 (55:35):
Well you'll never be open to new hands. Have a
great day and please thank you.
Speaker 5 (55:43):
Rene nice, Thank
Speaker 1 (56:00):
Yeh
Hello, my Kings, queens and in between's. Welcome to Ace
of Hearts, a dating podcast from every perspective. My name
is Maddie and I am your host for any first
time listeners here, Ace of Hearts is a dating podcast
where I the naive a sexual that I am, talk
(00:21):
to people with an assortment of different backgrounds about their
dating life. Now, before we continue, I just want to
state that we at Ace of Hearts have no intention
of generalizing any lifestyle, race, gender, disability, etc. Our desire
is to hear some love stories or maybe some horror
(00:44):
stories from people who don't always get the spotlight. Every
person is unique and so is their story. And today
we have a guest someone I have been following for
a very long time.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
We have Jesse.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Nowag Jesse, thank you so much for coming on to
the show. Jess, you would you like to introduce yourself
and why or how dating is difficult for you?
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Yeah, totally. My name is Jesse.
Speaker 4 (01:10):
I am an actor, writer, video editor type person. I
guess like it's it's one of those things where when
I talk about, like what makes dating difficult for me,
I don't want to say like I'm trans, because like
that's you know, I don't want it to be like
trans is a bad thing that stops me from dating
or anything. But there are some there's some stologies that
(01:33):
come with that, just from like not everyone is as
knowledgeable about things and stuff and that's usually.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
You're right, I probably should have rephrased that. I probably
should have said what makes dating different or what's your
walk of life that makes dating different? So I apologize
for my for my wording.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
Twenty years from now, I'm sure things will be even better.
Like I'm so fortunate to be dating right now, much
as there can be difficulties, Like I'm I much prefer
it than twenty years before this, and you know, so
things are getting better. But I'm also like polyamorous, so
like that also presents some challenges. Just also the same
problem where people aren't a knowledgeable about things and stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
But so yeah, so you're bringing a whole new, whole
new perspective. Oh I feel like that's a song and
then a song. Oh no, that's a panic at the discospective.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
So it is it's from never mind, it's from Jennifer's Body,
which I just rewatched.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Something this movie. It's so fun, right, that's a fantastic vial.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I feel like people didn't get it.
Speaker 4 (02:54):
It's one of those that's coming back, like the Josie
and the Pussycat movie and like this. But like people
just didn't get some films and now we're watching them now.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Smoochies.
Speaker 4 (03:03):
Whatever that movie is with Robin Williams was so fucking
good and just no one got it.
Speaker 3 (03:06):
And I watched it that one. It's a parody of.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
Like Robin Williams plays this like I know we're getting
off top and care.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
It's a good movie. People should watch it.
Speaker 4 (03:17):
It's a movie where Robin Williams plays this like this
guy who's basically like a children's entertainer, you know, like
kind of one of those guys that's like, hey, we're
gonna like learn our ABCS or whatever. And he turns
out to be like a bad guy. So he gets
canceled in like the nineties, and they have to look
for a new guy who's played by Edward Norton, I think,
and he takes over and it turns into like this hole.
(03:40):
It's a really it's a dark comedy that I had
never heard of before. But my writing partner we were
watching a bunch of stuff together that we're trying to
get the vibe for something that we're working on.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
He was like, we should watch Smoochi's whatever, and I.
Speaker 4 (03:53):
Was like, yes, Death to Smoochie, It's great, It's no
one got it.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I've never heard of that. Yeah, and I'm definitely a
Robin Williams fan. Let's just talk about Robin Williams for
a frick an hour.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, this girl podcast.
Speaker 3 (04:06):
This is Robin Williams podcast.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Yeah it's changed. Yeah, boom, let me get a new
intro on here. See, if you're on a date, bring
up Jennifer Body, Jennifer's Body and Robin Williams, and then
you can bring up this podcast as well. So anyways,
uh so Jesse, first, I would like to talk about
like dating as a as a transman. I'll admit i'm
(04:32):
a little I know a little bit of your your
story because I've been following you for a couple of years.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
When did you first realize that you were a transman?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Because I know when I was first following you online,
you identified as a girl. At that point, I believe
unless you just weren't telling the community that you were
a man at that point, Yeah, I think.
Speaker 4 (04:52):
It was like around when I was twenty four or
twenty three, when I was actually like, hm, I'm having
some thoughts that would make some sense of things. But
I knew that being trans would be hard, so I
was like, I just won't be uh So I just
(05:12):
pretended for a while that I wasn't And eventually it
kind of it like you can't just push down thoughts
like that.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Eventually it's gonna you know, because.
Speaker 4 (05:22):
I just wasn't happy. I was like, I'll pretend I'm
not trans. I'm miserable every day of my life, but like,
I don't want to be trans, So I just won't
be trans. And then eventually I got away from some
people that like didn't want me to transition. I went
out on my own learned that that, you know, there's
(05:43):
actually some very cool people that are like, you know,
very supportive of me, and I got in an environment
where I was able to like grow in advance and
like become the person that I was meant to be.
I didn't have the language to communicate what or who
I was at a young age, but like if I
knew the terms for things, probably I would have known
(06:05):
that I was trans at like four or five years old,
Like it really goes back where my mom. It was
not a surprise to her when she learned, Like she
was like, oh, that does make sense because of this, this, this,
and this. I there's different terms that people use that
make themselves comfortable. But I've always been a boy, so
(06:26):
I don't know what it's like to be a girl.
I only know what it's like to have the lived
experience of people thinking that you're a girl and treating
you as such, so I can relate a lot to
the female experience, but I don't actually know what it's
like to be a girl. So sometimes I'm a little
clueless when it comes to female stuff, Like even though
(06:47):
I have some lived experience of it, I don't know
to everything.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
I'm not a trans individual.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
I'm definitely a CIS lady, so I definitely don't have
that kind of mindset perspective. And that's very interesting that
you definitely say that, like, if you had the right wording,
you would say that you would be a boy, like
even when you were like a kid.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
No, I think it's incredible.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
I also like didn't really know the words when I
was figured out that I was asexual. I just didn't
date really a lot because it just didn't really seem
interesting to me most of the time. And then when
I had friends who are like, oh, no, I made
out with Josh last night.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I didn't mean to. It's like, how do you not
mean to make out with somebody?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
It was just these situations was like I don't get it,
and I just didn't really have the right like wording
because I thought I was just like man, like, why
is it like people dating and like having sex? And
like I didn't that doesn't why it's not happening to me.
But like you know, but when you finally find the
right words for it, it's just like, oh freaking click,
I can't make sense. No, So I definitely get you
(07:42):
of like kind of finding yourself like in your twenties.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
And so when when you were.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Dating before your transition, would you often tell your partners
about your gender identity?
Speaker 4 (07:54):
Uh No, because I, like I didn't know, like you know,
once I once I came out, I was just fully out.
It was mainly just like me being in denial and
like getting drunk at conventions and having heart to hearts
with my friends where I've been.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
Like I think I'm a guy. I don't know what's happening. Man, Uh,
like it's cool if you are.
Speaker 4 (08:14):
And I was like, no, that's fine, I'm not everything's fine,
just trying to push everything down. But once I was out,
I was fully out, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
I that Yeah, you didn't creak the closet door open,
you opened it with the bazukah.
Speaker 4 (08:27):
Yeah, just like yeah, Jesse's coming out baby, Because like
once you once you figure out that you can be happy,
there's no like shutting the door. The matrix pill analogy
is just so accurate because like you just can't go backwards,
Like once you see what you're, what the world is,
and what your life could be, there's no real shutting
(08:47):
that door.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
There.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
There's there's a lot of people that that you know,
friends and stuff that that, and also strangers sometimes that
message me that that come to me and are like
how do I know I'm trans? And I'm like, listen,
if you have to ask me, I think it's on
your mind. I think you need to like think about
this thing. I can't tell you if you're trans, but
if you, but how long have you been thinking about this?
If it's if it's more that like it's not a
(09:10):
cisgender thoughts to constantly think you're a different gender for
years and not explore it and not you know, like,
I think, I think there's something to it if you've
been thinking about it for this long.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
But I think you should. Uh, you can't consult me.
I'm a stranger. I don't know you.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
But let's let's do something deep introspection and you know,
kind of figure yourself out, like you can do it.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
It's cool.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I think that's a good call. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
I think that's being a very good supportive member of
the community.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Because people want the easy answer. People want me to
tell them that they're trans, you know, so then it's
not on them. But unfortunately it's a thing that only
you know.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Yeah, just figuring it out. Everyone's got to just figure
themselves out. So when you did figure yourself out, when
you started identifying as a man, like, how frequently would
that be brought up?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
I suppose in in dates?
Speaker 1 (10:00):
What were some discussions that you must have had between people,
have like either first dates or I don't know if
you were dating anyone at that time when you.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Decided to.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Out yourself out, I don't know, you started to bust
open that closet.
Speaker 4 (10:16):
Yeah, so I like formally came out just like on Twitter.
I think June first of I think it was twenty eighteen,
because it was like the first day of Pride month,
and I was like, eh, fuck it, like let's just
do it, let's pull the.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Band aid off.
Speaker 4 (10:34):
And I was dating someone at the time who did
not know that they were trans, but has since like
a couple months into us dating, came out as non binary,
and so we kind of like we're also learning as
we as we went along and both kind of helping
each other in that way. But the social transition started
(10:56):
only like six months before the physical transition. I started
tesoscerone because I had repressed myself for so long that
I was like, I'm just I want to be happy.
I'm so tired of being miserable. Let's just like do
everything at once. And I was so fortunate that I
was able to just like that's that's next. January I
(11:19):
got on testoscerone, and then that March I got top surgery.
So I was like out the gate, let's fucking go
do as much shit as possible. And it was incredible
and I was able to like put myself in a
headspace where I could learn and grow and actually like
who I was and learned who I was as a person.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
You know, there's a lot.
Speaker 4 (11:37):
Of talk about, I guess, changing yourself as a trans
person in order to be comfortable in your skin, but
I think it's it's more about staying the same and
learning who you are and not running from who you are,
because like, at my core and at my base, I've
always been this person. I just didn't know how to
(11:58):
love myself. I guess I didn't. I couldn't accept that
I could be happy. I wanted to live this other
life and pretend I was this other person because I
knew the other path was more difficult, even though that's
the one that would make me happy. Sometimes you have
to become other people to know who you are. So
like you know, when I when I first uh when
(12:19):
you when you go into sacerone, it doesn't make you
more aggressive, but it does accentuate things that are already
inside of you. Uh. So I went through a fuck boyface,
like I think every trans man goes through a fuck
boyface of some kinds, where we're just kind of shitty,
like we don't like women. And and it's understandable because
(12:42):
society has conditioned us to do that to survive in
order to fit in, you know, like like I blended
in with shitty guys because I could be like.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
See, I'm like, I'm one of you.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I hate girls too, like you know, and it's much
easier to be the bully than be bullied.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Is it possible that is also like internalization of like
not liking women because that's what you were told you
were and for such a long time that just felt
so like wrong.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Is there I don't know that just speculation.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
Yeah, for sure, there's a there's a lot of like
internalized misogyny. I think that that's uh we dealt with
because like I, when I analyze and think about my
behavior pre transition, I was also kind of shitty eat
to women. I didn't like women, and uh, you know
now I understand what those thoughts were because it was
yucky to think about the fact that people thought I
(13:32):
was a girl. So I if I if I go
to the complete opposite side of the spectrum, then that
will help, that will protect me. So when I first
started dating, I was that I don't know, I don't
like who I was. I was.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
I had a lot of growing to do.
Speaker 4 (13:48):
I was in not a good situation pre transition, and
I you know, I got away from abuse and I
got into this relationship with this this person that I had,
you know, been dating when I transitioned, who figured out
that they were non binary, and they gosh, if you've
(14:08):
dated a god bless anyone who dates a trans person
like early in their transition, because it is charity work.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Like there's so much that.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
They had to deal with with me that I'm like,
you know, I think back and it's so cringe.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
But they turned me into a good person.
Speaker 4 (14:26):
But that was half the work, right, Like another person
can only do so much. I had to do a
lot of introspection and like turn myself into a good
person because I didn't like who I was, and I
knew that they were going to love me no matter what.
So I needed to remove myself from the situation because
I wasn't treating them with the respect and love that
they deserved. So I went off on my own, and
(14:50):
you know, we were living together. I told them, like, hey,
you're great. I'm the problem. I need to remove myself
from the situation. I need to, like, because I never
lived on my own at that point, and I moved
out on my own, and I was able to like
date other like I would have been able to date
other people when I was with them because we were polyamorous.
But I, you know, I broke We broke up, you know,
(15:13):
and so I I stopped dating for a bit. After that,
I tried dating. I got I did the typical trans
dude thing of dating.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
I don't know, I don't know if there's a term.
Speaker 4 (15:28):
For it, but there's a there's a specific like brand
of cis white woman that thinks that they are woke,
but they are not. They'd like they'd like date trans
people in order to feel something.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
So they just want to be a part of the movement,
but not in a genuine way.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yeah, like they're they they're just like they're just turfy.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Like they're just interesting.
Speaker 4 (15:56):
Yeah, they say and do racist turfy shit. But they
think that they are allowed to because they are a woman.
And that is the most most you can suffer as
a human. Like they just they have no self awareness
of how other people see them and how they treat
other people. It's just like a very small lens of
(16:16):
the world. And I, in my brain, I'm always that
person that's like I.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Can fix them.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
So like whether it's been with like men or women,
Oh no, So I stay with those those girls.
Speaker 3 (16:26):
For way too long.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
And my ex girlfriend that I got around that time
really opened my eyes to I was like, I don't
deserve this, this, I need to like stop dating CIS
women for a bit. So, like I'm still in that
state right now where I took I think I haven't dated.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
A SIS woman in two or three years.
Speaker 4 (16:47):
I just kind of took a break because it's also
I think the age that I am, the older you get,
the more people will mature to your level. And as
a trans you do have to like trans people can
can be tend to be very very mature because we
have to think so much about who we are and
(17:09):
what we want in the world and sexuality and bodies
and all that shit. So I was dating a lot
of women who were not at the same maturity level
as I was. Communication is very important to me, just
like just stuff that, Like I wasn't gelling on the
same level as the people who are my age, So
I was like, I'll just get older and then yeah,
now I'm now I'm thirty, and so like I'm dating
(17:32):
a lot or I'm finding and becoming friends with a
lot of sis women who are comfortable and happy and
mature and are able to meet me at that level.
And I haven't started dating any of them yet, but
it feels good to know that they exist.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
There are some good ladies out there.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Yeah, and I had to stop trying to fix people
because you can't fix everyone. You can only you can't.
Sometimes you can't even fix people who want to be fixed.
Like it's you know, I worked on myself and that's
what I've been going through.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
But I forget what the original question you asked about was.
But I that is okay.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
This was fantastic though, that is totally fine.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
This was a great look into the world that you're in,
so I absolutely appreciated it. So some of these individuals
I'd love to know, like how did you meet some
of them? Was it in like work? Was it like
social was it dating apps? Did they have lots of
questions like in the first couple of dates, especially if
they were trying to see them all aloke?
Speaker 4 (18:29):
Yeah, it's like I've met them all over. They could
grow in any environments. I met them on dating apps,
it's you know, anime conventions, through friends. I love a
girl with a sense of humor, and so being funny
is great. It's a real way to hook me. But gosh,
(18:50):
you don't see the other characteristics until later. Yeah, it's
like it's been a big blind spot of mind that
I've been trying to work on. Is just like a
Tessos run has honestly really helped with this. But I
attached to girls who could make me laugh because I
thought that equivocated with, you know, to being a good person.
(19:10):
But a lot of people use their trauma in order
to be funny.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
Allah me, I get it. That's great.
Speaker 4 (19:19):
I got a dark sense of humor, but sometimes people
use that to involve a sense of humor. But then
also just let the trauma, let them treat other people
like shit. They're not like looking inward and changing and growing.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
As a person.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yeah, I know lots of people like thatf for it's like,
I'm sorry, stuff happened to you. However, you're in your thirties.
You can't use that as an excuse.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Now it is on you exactly for your actions. Yeah,
I told you get that.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
No, like you were you were asking if they like
ask questions or anything like that. It's more that they assume,
and that's the problem I think is they're not asking
the questions, like I'm fine, I'm I'm an open book,
like if people dating hooking up with or asking things
in respectful ways, I'll answer whatever. But I think they
just they were like, oh, I know, I know about transmen,
(20:07):
don't worry, and then would get shit wrong all the time,
and that that was mainly the problem of like how
funny I hook up with transmen all the time, so
I kind of kind of an expert.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
I'm like, that's not the flex you think it is.
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
If anyone uses the phrase I'm really into transman h
or like I'm really attracted to transman, it's immediate immediately
I stop feeling anything for them. And that's a problem
because there's like I'm making out with someone in a
hallway and then they say it and I'm like, we
were about to have sex, Like I come on, like
I feel nothing for you now, man, but you're hot
(20:45):
and I want to feel things for you. But then
we start doing things and I can't get hard, and
I'm like, well, I guess I guess I'm not attracted
to you anymore.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
But this sucks. Because I want to be attracted to you.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
I would love to just forget that you said that,
But my dick isn't working now, do gim me dde.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Yeah, And there's kind of like an arrogance, a pride,
and I don't know, maybe that's just a part of
our Western culture where it's so difficult to say that
you're wrong about something, asking questions and like vulnerability and
because that's seen as a weakness or something.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
This is just my speculation of like cause I know
so many people who the pride is just like rolling
off of them, and it's like it is hard to
have a conversation with you because you are like either
correcting every word I'm saying, or you're saying the same
exact thing I'm saying, but with different words to make
it seem like you're smarter whatever. Like it's and but
I feel like I've known quite a few people who just.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Have via that pride.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
I don't know, not that I'm trying to defend any
of these ladies, they definitely sound like they have some
growing to do.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
Yeah, No, it's it's I was talking with my friend
the other day about this, Like I think all the time.
I have conversations like this where people seem to be
afraid of being wrong. But the thing is, like, it's
great to be wrong. You're learning things about the world,
like ask questions, be curious, like in respectful ways.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Yeah, just be humble about it.
Speaker 4 (22:02):
Yeah, yeah, because like if the worst case is if
I get something wrong, I correct myself or I would
say thank you for teaching me that, and then I'm
right all of a sudden because I've absorbed the correct
information and now I'm like, you know, it's not that
I'm always right, It's just that I'm okay with accepting
other information, and so I just correct what was in
(22:25):
my brain and then I'm right all of a sudden.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I was wrong before and now I'm right.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Now you know, you've gained knowledge, You've gained like a
feet in your skill tree. It's incredible. You're not perfect
from like the second you're you're able to start to talk,
or you know, you finish your elementary school or college, like,
you still have so much learning and you will continue
to learn until you die.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
That's a good thing. That's a good thing.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
Yeah, Like I'm a I'm a himbo. Like honestly, like,
there's a lot of shit I don't know. If you
asked me to point out somewhere on a map, I
won't be able to tell you. Like all of my
skill points were put in wisdom and none in intelligence.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
So that's where I approach the world from.
Speaker 4 (23:01):
So I'm I get shit wrong sometimes and I'll and
I'll say it. I'm not afraid of saying that I'm wrong,
because what I fear the people who are not okay
with saying that they're wrong.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
Not to generalize or anything, but do you think that's
common in the trans community, that these individuals are more
humble and more open minded?
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Yeah, totally, Yeah, Like, uh, because because you know, in
in relationships I was, I was talking about how I'm
much more mature in areas that I'm shocked that other
people aren't, and it's it's because I had to think
about things for so long. Trans people can go in
all sorts of directions, like there are a lot of
trans men that are just pieces of shit, and it
(23:45):
always just boggles my mind.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
But I understand.
Speaker 4 (23:48):
I get it, Like you've just been poisoned by toxic
masculinity and trying to blend in and shit that like
there are there's plenty of trans people that hate trans
people and it sucks. But that's like why I'm not
really friends with a lot of uh transmen specifically, Uh,
I wanted to get more in touch with like like
(24:08):
like knowing about transmen and the community and stuff, because
I kind of isolated myself from that part of my
life specifically. I was I'm friends with trans women and
on binary individuals, but transmen, I didn't have a lot
of like I don't have any friends, Like I'm just
not you know. So I so I follow some transmen
on Instagram and I have to keep unfollowing them every
couple of months because they're either they're pushing NFTs or
(24:29):
they're like saying some dumb shits or they're misogynistic. And
I'm like, what, this is why we got to stop
this shit, Like this is why I'm not friends with
transmen because like a lot of us fucking suck. We
didn't do a lot of growing an introspection and like
like just nut up, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 3 (24:45):
Like don't push NFTs?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Yeah, what like do you not have any friends that
are telling you not to do this?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Why is this Why is this you?
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Now?
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Yeah, if you don't mind me.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Asking what is your gender sexual preference? And I know
you said you're polyamorous, but that doesn't exactly mean straight
or by or pan.
Speaker 4 (25:06):
Yeah, Like it's funny because like, if I'm honest, I'm
more attracted to CIS women. But I've just like taken
so much time off because I'm it's hard to be
attracted to someone that you are repulsed by, you know,
like when I've when I've had so many bad experiences,
it's making me. It made me generalize in a way
where I was like, Okay, no more SIS girls for
a while, which I think is something that's trans people
(25:30):
go through a lot of of like Okay, no more
of this these SIS people, We're going to take a break.
I understand T for T relationships, which is transfer trans
Like it's it's trans people that like prefer to date
other other trans people. And I understand because there's nothing
like dating another trans person Like the first time I
experienced it. I understand, like it's someone that understands like
(25:54):
what you're going through and what you've had to like
experience in life. Yeah, but I'm pretty open into whoever
I think I've kind of the last few years, I've
only been really hooking up with assis men or non
binary people with penises, just because it's easier. You could
just go on an app and just find a dick.
(26:16):
You could like ordering a pizza and just you know,
a lot easier, a lot less drama.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Is that an app findmydick dot com or something about
that grider, so that uh.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
So it's it's easier if thinking about my future, I
do see myself like if I am married one day,
I can see myself married to a CIS woman. But
I just I needed people to catch up with the
right person. Yeah, like I'm not even this like I'm
not this like perfect individual, Like I have my issues too,
But when I I'm not going to settle, like I
can't even begin to grow if i'm if I can't
(26:50):
be with a person that wants to grow with me.
So I took a lot of time off and I
just worked on myself. I want someone to like step
up to the plate, you know, where I don't have
to like do a shit.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
Ton of work to make sure that they treat me decently.
Speaker 1 (27:03):
I think also growing up right, uh, we kind of
learn about ourselves of like I need to find someone
who's confident in themselves or not going to be too
clingy or jealous. I feel like it's something like in
your twenties especially, there's no easy way to learn it.
You just have to date some crappy people to kind
of figure out what you what you need from your relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
And it and it sucks because like I'm thirty and
I feel like my life is just beginning. You know,
I'm fully medically transitioned. You know, I've had foul plasty
top surgery, like and.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
File a plasty is that? Is that the top surgery.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Uh, foul plasty is dick surgery. There's there's two different
bottom surgeries that you can have. Uh yeah, there's a
there's metoida plasty and there's foul plasty. Foul plasty is
the one where you take a skin graft from somewhere
on your body. Mine's on my left arm and they
make it, make it dingus and it's real cool. You
make it ordering ordering a dick. We're just talking about that.
(27:59):
That's a literal ordering of a dick. It's all, yeah,
it's all it's all custom made, really real neat.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
I'm sorry, I'm imagining when you say custom made, I'm
thinking like cars and like how some of the cars
have those like hydraulic.
Speaker 4 (28:14):
Yeah, I want a bristed power penis. I would like, Uh,
I want to where's my robot dick?
Speaker 2 (28:19):
Why not? Yeah, where's the suture? So no robot dick
(28:45):
at the moment. But how do you feel.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Now going through?
Speaker 4 (28:49):
It really feels like you're My life is just starting
now because like if you were to look at me
naked in a men's locker room, you wouldn't be able
to tell the difference between me and assist man.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
So I go out in the.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
World and people are just they treat me a certain
way and they just expect me they like I. You know,
Passing is a term in the trans community. For like
it means passing as sis gender and trans people have
different thoughts on that, you know, like some some trans
people don't want to pass.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Some people don't believe in passing.
Speaker 4 (29:22):
Some people are like, yeah, we should all just you know,
and I understand all the perspectives. But for me, I'm
I'm very fortunate that I that I do pass, because
it doesn't I don't have to deal with as much
stress or anything as as other people might just because
culturally people want us to look a certain way and
all that, and for me, what I need to do,
needed to do for my piece was to to look
(29:46):
this way. So I'm glad that I'm that I'm able
to personally because I don't suffer dysphoria anymore. It's basically
just it's been reduced to like ninety nine like five
percent of the time. I'm fantastic, and I strugg I
only say ninety nine percent because I struggled to think
of the last time I felt ysphoria. So I'm fortunate
(30:07):
that I don't have to deal with other other things,
you know, like you know, if I didn't pass, if
like people were going to be aggressive to me or whatever,
and I you know, uh, and you experience that at
the beginning of the transition. But yeah, I feel like
my I'm I'm starting life now at thirty, where I
have my Dick, and I just I couldn't be happier.
(30:31):
It's a weird feeling. It's because I didn't think I'm
you know, like to like being a little dark, Like
I didn't think I was going to live this long,
so like, I don't know, what to do with the
time now that I have so dating and all that,
it really puts things in perspective where now I'm so
confident and secure that I'm like, yeah, I don't I
don't want to date someone that I'm not going to
be happy with. So I'm not settling. And that means
(30:53):
that I've been alone for a bit. Like I have
a handful of like casual partners, but they're all married,
and they they have they're dating other people and their
spouses are dating other people and all that, and they
don't none of them live in the same state as me.
So I have a lot of free time and I'm
able to just chill by myself and be just I'm
really happy.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yeah, focus on your creative projects, and yeah, just be
who you are.
Speaker 4 (31:17):
Like, I'm really happy in my life and my career,
and I enjoy the people I'm hooking up with. But
sometimes I do think about, like how I haven't had
a serious partner in two or three years, and I
wonder if that's something that I would like to do,
And I think about it, but I can't even begin
to think about it if really, because who am I
going to date? I don't know who is mature enough
(31:41):
for me and who I can be comfortable and happy with.
So I guess I'm kind of just sitting around and
waiting and seeing if someone enters my life.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Who is like that and comes along.
Speaker 4 (31:52):
We'll think about it when we get to the bridge,
But right now, I don't even know if the bridge
exists or where it is, so I'm just kind of vibing.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
I like it.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
This is the first verse in your song, and you're
just like you're ready for that chorus to hit. The
songs go, and the song's existing. You just don't know
how it's gonna wrap up at the end.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
That's a cool romantic thought, right is to think about,
Like my future wife is like somewhere out there, I
just don't know. Yeah, she's living her life and like,
you know, I'll meet her someday and that's cool.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
That's very sweet.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Would you say that you're a romantic then, I know
you said you're polyamorous, but do you want a long
term partner maybe even marriage.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
It's a good question, and it's something I think about
a lot because I'm I'm actually somewhere on the a
romantic scale, and that's just because of tessoserone therapy, and
that's that's a possible side effect of it, is losing
your romantic attraction to people. But I am very at
my heart, like I care a lot about people, and
I love my friends, and I love all kinds of relationships,
(32:51):
you know, whether they're sexual or platonic or romantic. It's
not that I don't feel romantic attraction, it's just more
rareer for me. Tesoserone kind of can kind of dull
it a little bit. But through switching up my dosages,
I've I've I wouldn't be able to quickly explain it
(33:12):
to you. But basically, like when you're taking tesoserone, if
you get like the more that you are front loading,
the more you're more side effects you're going to have.
So there was a point in time where I was
doing bi weekly shots instead of once a week shots,
and that just increased like all of the puberty, the
male puberty stuff where my acne was worse, my sex
(33:35):
drive was just like off the charts, like all these
effects were happening.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
Would you call it a second puberty.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Yeah, that's that's the term trans people use for, like
the second puberty. Like this is like this is the okay,
I didn't know second time is a chart.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
We're gonna get it right this time.
Speaker 4 (33:53):
On my journey, like my dosages have changed, I was
like a cool effect that I thought might happen and
i've really recently has happened is that I'm able to
cry for the first time in like two or three years,
which has been really cool. I didn't realize I missed
that that that can be a side effective testosterone where
I just I was able to access my tear ducts
(34:15):
if I was playing a character or I was voice acting,
but as myself, I wasn't really able to cry for
like two or so years. And I realize, like, oh,
if I switch up my shots to every four days,
I might like start, you know, being able to cry.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
And I have.
Speaker 4 (34:33):
I've like I hit a sweet spot where I don't
I still can't cry for more than I want to say,
like eight seconds at a time, but I'm I'm feeling
the emotions from like emotional commercials and like I teared
up a lot watching the fucking Matilda musical and like
(34:54):
these things where I realize, like, oh I can cry now,
that's cool, But it's really a great sweet spot where
I'm not crying because of like something making me angry.
Speaker 3 (35:07):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (35:07):
I'm not crying because of things that make me angry
or sad. I'm crying because I saw a video on
Facebook where a cat and a bunny are friends, you know, Like,
I love that sweet spot. I hope it stays at
this level because I.
Speaker 3 (35:20):
Love being able to feel the release.
Speaker 4 (35:21):
I didn't realize that I missed crying. But that also
means that my romantic attraction to people is kind of
slowly starting to rear its head again. So you know,
who knows if I'm gonna feel something for someone, you know,
But that's a good sign of, like, you know, the
situation has changed, Like, oh, I wasn't interested in romance
(35:42):
for a while, but now I might be. Let's see
if the right person awakens something in me, you know.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Yeah, for sure, your body's trying to find that like
that stasis again where it partly I can be itself. Well,
I think that's very sweet that, after some time figuring
yourself out, that you're now like looking actively for a
romantic love partner.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
This could be a whole new story for you.
Speaker 4 (36:05):
Yeah, because I used to be very romantic before tasasroone.
So now I'm able to do it in a healthy way.
Where before I was like I hate myself, so I
need someone to make me feel good. And now it's
like I love myself and I would also be cool
with someone loving me and me being able to love
someone else, Like it's a it's love in a healthy way,
(36:26):
the way that like it should exist.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
And once again, I think that comes with experience and
time of like figuring out that you need to be
happy with yourself before another person can make you extra happy,
because if you put too much steak in another person,
you're like a wobbly bridge. You know, one false step
and the whole thing could snap because you're putting so
much emotional steak in another person.
Speaker 3 (36:51):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4 (36:52):
You gotta have a strong base, like the foundation has
to be solid before I'm comfortable in a relationship like
That's that's why I I left the one that I
was in is it's like you're great. The problem is
not you, it's I'm not a fully formed person because
I haven't been able, I haven't been allowed to be
fully formed before this point. I need to go out
(37:12):
and live on my own and figure out who I am.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Have you had a lot of discrimination in the dating scene,
either through the dating app, messaging, or in person.
Speaker 4 (37:25):
Fortunately that it hasn't really affected me being able to
like find anyone to date. Like, I'm very fortunate that
like people are.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
I guess I'm.
Speaker 4 (37:35):
An individual that people want to date and hook up
with because I am I'm you're a cool guy.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
Yeah, I hope it.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Looks it seems that way that that there are people
that are trying to date or hook up with me
all the time.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
So I do have a lot of there's no douchey
way to say that, but.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Yeah, no, it's great. I'm glad these people are just
flock to you.
Speaker 3 (38:00):
Yeah, Like I feel like a douche. Uh, I'm fortunate.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
I'm fortunate that I'm not bad looking and I have
an okay personality, so people tend to gravitate towards me.
So I do have a lot of like, uh, people
that are willing and able. The issue is mainly just
finding people who have knowledge of transmen, because like, that's
not really something that I thought I needed going in,
(38:28):
but it is. It's so nice to like message with
someone and not have to explain everything to them like
and the other day I was doing the preemptive questions
of like, so, like, have you have you hooked up
with transmen before? Because usually they will bring to the
table something weird or fetishy to say, and I'll know
(38:51):
not to talk to them anymore. I'll be polite, but
I'll kind of ghost them a little bit, like trend
out of messaging them.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
But it's nice.
Speaker 4 (38:59):
When when they are not being fetishy at all and
we're just having normal conversation, because then I have to
be a fetishy I have to bring up that I'm trans,
so I have to say the weird thing that like
it would be weird if they said it to me,
but I have to say it because you know, if
someone was like, I've hooked up with transman before, I'd
be like red flag. But because we've been talking for
a bit and you haven't brought up the fact that
I'm trans, now I have to bring it up. So
(39:20):
I'm like, have you hooked up with transman before? And
he was like, yeah, no, I've I've I've hooked up
with and I've I had some long term relationship with
ships with with transman. I see that you you talk
about in your bio that you that you have a dick?
Did you do me tooido plastic or foul plastic if
you don't mind me asking? And it was so hot,
(39:41):
like I never had a sis man, like you know
the terminology, and like bring that on. I was and
in my head, I was like, I'll suck your dick
right now. I don't even we've had We've only been
talking for like ten minutes, and I like, do you
want to come over?
Speaker 3 (39:56):
Do you want to have coffee? I don't let you know.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
It's it's knowledge is sexy.
Speaker 4 (40:00):
Knowledge is so sexy. So it's very it's very nice
Grinder for me. I'm fortunate and I have a different
experience now that I pass and everything. I have different
issues on Grinder than transmen who don't pass, because sometimes
people were messaging me, like before I had bottom surgery,
(40:21):
they would message me, not realizing that I put trans
in my bio, and then they'd be like, ah shit,
I'm so sorry. I'm I don't think we're a match.
I did not see that, and I'm sorry about that.
I'm like, ye, any worries I have. I hear horror
stories about Grinder, but I've had great experiences with it
just because of my privilege and and everything that comes
(40:43):
along with me. There's some CIS guys on Grinder that
are not as knowledgeable about transmen, but like find us
hot and want to fuck us, and those have been
interesting where pre bottom surgery, I was like messaging with
this dude, like really hot sis dude, not all not
all the brains going up in that boy, but god
(41:03):
he had an eight pack and a huge dick. But
he was like we never actually ended up hooking up
because he was talking to me and talking about how
he hooks up with transmen all the time and he
doesn't have to wear a condom. And I was like, hey,
you know that tasacerone isn't birth control, right and he
was like, yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
It is.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
I was like, oh no, and it's not.
Speaker 4 (41:26):
Actually transman can get pregnant and he was like, oh, so,
like did you do you want did you want to
hook up? I was like I'm good man, man, thank you,
though I would like to wear a condom and he
was like all right, that's fair, and then we stopped talking.
But it is just it's very funny that like the
most the most that's the most aggressive messages I got
(41:49):
when I was living in West Philly, which is like
a very queer area. It seems to be for me
when I started passing and stuff people CIS men are,
with my experience, at least, it seems like they are
too horny to be hateful. I guess they're just they're
(42:13):
just dumb. They're not like trying to be offensive. So
like the more offensive things I would get from CIS
women that I was dating and hooking up with, and
the guys that I would hook up on a grinder
with would just be kind of ignorant, and then I
would explain things to them and they'd be like, oh cool,
and then they were fine. You know, it's interesting seeing
(42:33):
the opposite side of things because you would assume that
the guys would be more like aggressive. But like the
one time I almost got hate crimed on a dating
app was Tinder, It wasn't Grinder.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
Grinder.
Speaker 4 (42:44):
I think the guys are just too horny, Like they're
just they're they're not trying to like hate crime anyone
on purpose.
Speaker 3 (42:51):
They're just they're just trying to like nut.
Speaker 4 (42:53):
So that's been my experience with Grinder, and I've been
very fortunate because like there are. There are weird people
on there, and there are like bad people on there,
but I don't really run into them.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
No, I mean that's that's great.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
I'm glad that you're not facing discrimination on the day
to day basis. Then that you found your niche, then
you can just be happy and thrive.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (43:15):
No, it's you form your circles, you figure out what
you want in your life, and a luckily grinder is
a place where, like I can just if I'm not
vibing with someone, or if someone says something weird, I
can just like block them and then move on.
Speaker 3 (43:28):
There's lots of other people on there.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Yeah, amazing.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Would you say you're also good at just like letting
things go, na now that you're go pumped up with testosterone.
Speaker 4 (43:38):
Like letting things go as in like if someone says
something weird or well, yeah, you.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
Just said, like these CIS men are just so confident.
Do you feel like you've gotten to that level of
confidence right aside them with just going.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
For what you want.
Speaker 4 (43:53):
I became himbo once I started like working out and
the amount of testosterone in my body balanced. I'm just
way more chill than I used to be. I used
to be so like emotional and manic and just sad
and crying all the time. And now I'm just chill,
(44:13):
like I didn't cry for two years. I'm I'm just
very chill. And I guess that is also part of
why people enjoy like being with me, whether it's in
like a platonic or sexual, romantic or whatever context.
Speaker 3 (44:31):
I make people feel safe.
Speaker 4 (44:32):
Is the most common thing I hear, and that's that's
very nice, and that means a lot to me.
Speaker 3 (44:36):
I feel like that's the most important thing.
Speaker 4 (44:38):
I love making people happy, and I love making people
feel comfortable. So I owe a lot to Testacerone for
making me so chill, like making and.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Making you who you are, and I love that.
Speaker 1 (44:53):
As I've been like making this podcast, it's been very
fun to kind of like talk to all these individuals,
and as much as we do talk about like dating
and who they are a there's so many fun just
like life little lessons we just learned along the way
of being happy who you are, like finding your right circles.
Time matures you, and it's just it's very fun to
kind of hear these like beautiful life lessons from all
these people, from all these different walks of life. So
(45:16):
I think we are wrapping up our interview, but I
would love to ask, since you have like this space,
would you like to give advice to individuals who are
dating transmen or people who are trans men like looking
like in the dating field, Like, would you like to
(45:36):
give any advice.
Speaker 4 (45:37):
I guess for like you know, for other trans men,
I guess, like or other trans people in general. But
also this is good advice for anyone. Be patient, but
also don't settle, Like I'm it takes a lot for
me to I give people a lot of chances. I'm all,
I'm everyone's kind of like imperfect intro trans dude, because
(45:59):
I teach them with kindness and patience and I'm able to,
like I'm comfortable telling them, like, hey, maybe use this
phrasing if you would like that that this is like
you know, you're not actually supposed to say this thing
or whatever. Sis people don't realize you're not supposed to
do is use they them pronouns for all trans people. Uh,
(46:21):
it's kind of like training wheels where if you don't
know someone's pronouns, and like, you know, some people use
day them pronouns for everyone, and they think maybe.
Speaker 3 (46:32):
That's the correct way to do it.
Speaker 4 (46:34):
But for some trans people it's offensive to use day
of them pronouns for them, like like for me, like I,
I only use he him.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
I don't like when people use they for me.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
And it's because to to to put it is that
I pass right, So like I don't think about the
fact that I'm trans. Other people remind me that I'm
trans when they.
Speaker 3 (46:55):
Use they them.
Speaker 2 (46:56):
Sorry about that.
Speaker 4 (46:58):
Entire podcast, You're good, Like I find in the context
of it, it's just when I'm like out in the world,
you know, And but I can understand why people would
think they then you know, you're being equal, like right,
But like sometimes gender for some people, gender doesn't matter,
you know, and for some people gender is very important
(47:20):
to them as a person, Like we don't have to
we can have gender without having gender roles, if that
makes sense. People don't like gender roles and like that's
totally legit. But for me existing out in the world,
I don't think about it until someone uses they them
for me, and I feel comfortable correcting them to be like, hey,
just so you know, I like hee him, so don't
(47:42):
use they them for me, and they'll be like, oh okay,
Like it's it seems like an obvious thing, but they
don't think about it until someone points it out to them.
And that's a lot of the things that I.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
Am fortunate that I keep.
Speaker 4 (47:55):
I only keep people in my circle now that I
would be comfortable, like I don't people will correct a
transperson on a thing, like, for example, if I were like, hey,
just use hee him for me, and you know, if
someone would be like, oh, I use they them for everyone,
and I'm like, that's cool. I'm asking you to please
use him for me because like for me, someone using
she her for me, for example, doesn't do anything to me.
(48:18):
It doesn't cause me dysphori it doesn't like do anything
because like that's clearly either someone from my past who
is who has just had trouble catching up. But honestly,
I'm almost five years into my transition. It doesn't really
happen to me anymore. Or it's just a transphobe who
is trying to behte ful on purpose, but like, you're
not going.
Speaker 3 (48:37):
To make me experienced this for like what are you doing?
Speaker 4 (48:39):
Like I had to do that recently with someone that's
I just started working with, and I was nervous about
it because I was like, oh man, I'm just like
I'm starting this new gig and I don't know if
I want to like whatever, But I stuck to my
guns and I was like, hey, just so you know,
I would like this, and he was like cool, thank
you for letting me know. And that was it, Like
that was the conversation. That's that's all you need to do.
(49:00):
And I realized that I'm like making people worse by
not correcting them, right, because like, I'm comfortable and happy
in my body, I'm fully rounded out. I guess if
that makes sense. Nothing really pierces into me anymore. I
don't experience dysphoria, and I don't like, you know, not
that all. You know, all trans people don't have to
(49:21):
experience this for you. There's no one way to be trans.
But for me as a person, I'm pretty like, I'm
pretty tough, long like, I don't nothing really affects me
in that way. But if I don't correct someone on something,
they might accidentally say something in front of another transperson
who may may not be having as good of a day,
you know, or might not be as comfortable with themselves
(49:43):
or not as much into their transition as I am
so like I'm actively making my friends worse by not
letting them know that they did something wrong. Yeah, and
once I started realizing that, I was like, oh, okay,
now it's not just for me. So with that in mind,
I'm able to like talk to people. And that's also
you know, bringing it back around. This started because you
(50:04):
asked me what advice I have for people like me,
So also that's that's some advice. Also is let your
friends know if if you want them to use terms
for you that are more comfortable, like talk to talk
to your people, because I want to make sure that
I am giving people knowledge so that they can go
out in the world and and be more kind to
(50:25):
the world and so people that they might not have
the lived experience of those are.
Speaker 3 (50:29):
My those are my suggestions. Be patient, be patient, but
also don't settle.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
Don't settle, and then also feel free, like speak up
for yourself, but you.
Speaker 2 (50:38):
Don't have to be rude or malicious about it.
Speaker 4 (50:41):
Yeah, just just advocate for yourself. People are going to
take your tone how they will. Like I remember like
what a shithead I used to be, where like I
didn't know that I was trans yet, but like I
remember like a trans woman corrected me on something, and
I remember thinking she was so rude for for correcting
me on something of how to like talk to her.
(51:01):
And now I think back on that, I'm like, she
just asked me to do a thing.
Speaker 3 (51:05):
There was no tone in her voice like there was.
She just asked something.
Speaker 4 (51:10):
To make her more comfortable, And I think about how
fucking stupid I was for thinking that. So, like, there
are gonna be people who think you're being rude even
when you're not, but just be patient with it, like
I know it sucks. Like the right people will be like, oh,
I'm sorry and correct themselves, and the wrong people will
maybe leave your life, and that's cool because you don't
need that fucking energy. But and for others that aren't
(51:34):
like me, I guess the advice would be, it's it's okay.
I think in most instances, if you don't know someone's
pronouns and you use the them for them, but then
like you go on their Twitter, like you go on
find their pronouns or just ask them if you can't
find them anywhere. What my brain does is like if
(51:55):
I don't know someone's pronouns, I will find them before
I meet the person in real life, you know, or
I talked to them, people have them listened in their
Twitter bios, people have them, you know, or just ask
a friend and worst case, just ask them. It's better
than saying something that makes them feel shitty. And you know,
it might not be obvious to other people, but like
if you mess up on someone's pronounce, just correct it
(52:16):
and move on and like don't say anything else about it,
you know, like just.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
Yeah, just like we were saying earlier, right, humility is
so important.
Speaker 4 (52:23):
If it don't make us feel bad, because then that's
the opposite of it. If you're like, I'm so sorry,
and like you make a big deal of it, then
we feel like we're the problem, you know, like because
now we've put a full stop and like, oh, if
I wasn't trans, then we wouldn't be embarrassed right now,
you know, So just y'all correct and move on. I
know it's like it's it's a very basic thing to me,
but but I'm thinking now about like what things weren't basic.
Speaker 3 (52:43):
So there you go.
Speaker 4 (52:45):
There's some there's some info that maybe if you didn't
know it, now you do.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
Yeah, no, I mean, this is your time to tell
people your story, your experiences and hopefully just pass along
those seeds of wisdom and people grow.
Speaker 2 (52:57):
From them even fantastic. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (52:59):
Is there anything you'd like to plug or that's something
that you're working on, or or if you have social
media or.
Speaker 2 (53:05):
Your grinder profile, if anyone wants to come find you.
Speaker 4 (53:09):
Yeah, I'm I'm no whacking on most things now A
c K I n G. I'm no whacking on Twitter
and Twitch and YouTube. I do a show on YouTube
called Pink Blue where I have tracked my transition since
the very beginning, and I do videos on sexuality and
a series of vlogs where I was preparing for foul Plast.
(53:34):
I track my you know, fellow stage zero one two,
I had the rod removed.
Speaker 3 (53:42):
It's a it's a whole whole thing I'm getting to
put in putting.
Speaker 4 (53:45):
I'm gonna get put back in next July. So like
there's gonna be another long vlog about that. But basically
there's there's videos for everyone on my channel, whether you
want something more long form or if you want just
a more actualized thing of me just talking about trainshit,
and it's not just transhit like I talk about queer
stuff on the show, I'm I'm also I'm no whackting
(54:09):
hell yeah. On Instagram, that's the only one that I
have a different name on.
Speaker 2 (54:13):
Yes, go find Jesse, go see what he is doing.
All right? Amazing? Well, thank you so much Jesse for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (54:19):
Yeah, no problem, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Ugh, that was so much fun talking to Jesse.
Speaker 1 (54:23):
I really have been a fan of his stuff for years,
so it was so cool to be able to talk
to him today. I feel like my main takeaway, and
obviously you can take away whatever you want, but I
think my biggest thing is don't be afraid to ask
questions about someone if you don't understand something, or if
you don't know about something, if you don't understand it,
(54:46):
it's okay to ask questions. Just be respectful, don't ask
it in a judgmental way. But it's okay to learn.
In fact, that's the only way we're going to get
better at things. And you know, I'm asking questions. I'm
learning so much and this is incredible and I love it.
At least for me, I'm having a great time. I
hope you're having a great time too. Thank you guys
so much for listening. I hope you did a little
(55:06):
bit of laughing and learning and loving today. Thank you
again to Matt Langston from the Jeli Rocks for letting
us use their song Glued. You can find their song
down below if you're looking for more.
Speaker 5 (55:16):
Of their work.
Speaker 1 (55:17):
If you love what you heard today, feel for to
leave a review and or a rating. And if you
think you have a perspective or story to tell, please
send us an email, come back next week or more
unconventional love stories. And remember don't keep your cards too
close to your chest.
Speaker 2 (55:35):
Well you'll never be open to new hands. Have a
great day and please thank you.
Speaker 5 (55:43):
Rene nice, Thank
Speaker 1 (56:00):
Yeh
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