November 19, 2024 • 40 mins
In this episode of Across Generations, Tiffany Cross explores the complex and evolving world of online dating through an inter-generational lens. Joined by Naomi Rose, and Sarah Yeary, the trio dives into the realities of navigating digital dating platforms. From safety concerns and societal pressures to personal growth and compatibility, the conversation unpacks the unique challenges Black women face in the online dating scene. With humor, vulnerability, and wisdom, the guests share personal stories, reflect on modern dating norms, and discuss what it truly means to find meaningful connections in the digital age.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of black
women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. We
gather a season elder myself as the middle generation, and
a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to
engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
(00:26):
You know how we do? We create magic, Cate magic. Hi, everybody,
welcome to another episode of Across Generations. I'm your host
Tiffany Cross, and today we are talking about online dating. Okay,
so I have to be honest with you, guys. Honestly,
this is really not for me. I didn't grow up
(00:47):
with smartphones or social media. These things came along when
I was well into adulthood. So I've always found that
genuine connection is really hard to explore via a device.
But I also have my doubts about an alg rhythm
being able to identify a romantic partner for people. I
think it perpetuates kind of this like shallow hookup culture
and not really the opportunity to cultivate healthy attachment with
(01:10):
the like minded and caring individual with whom one shares
common goals. But listen, maybe I'm in the minority here
because a study by Nimble that's a software company, they
gathered that thirty one percent of dating app users identify
as black. So a lot of y'all are out there
on them, and there's not any solid data on success
rates of like black women who are on there, But
(01:31):
I suppose that would depend on how one defines success.
Maybe not everyone is looking for the same thing. Then
there are things like physical and emotional safety. One dating
app made specifically for black singles recently conducted a surve
wey to better understand the state of Black women in dating. Well,
that study found that fifty six percent of Black women
do not feel safe on mainstream dating apps. So it's
(01:53):
quite the tumultuous terrain out there, and sometimes it seems
to be feeding this growing animist that far too often
divides our community. So how many of you are out
there on dating app? Drop a comment and let me
know if you're on a dating app, and what's your
experience like do you feel safe? These are the questions
we're going to get in today with these two amazing guests.
(02:15):
So we have on our younger side, Miss Naomi Rose.
She's twenty six years old, She calls herself an influencer
and content creator who focuses on lifestyle content now. She
explored online dating during COVID like a lot of y'all did,
and ultimately deemed it was not the toll she preferred
to progress her romantic life. On the other side, we
have Miss Sarah Yeari. She's a sixty three year old
(02:37):
retired software engineer who relocated to Georgia after her divorce,
and she began online dating in the early two thousands
and is strongly considering giving it up due to not
experiencing any success in her efforts. But we don't know
what success means, so Miss Sarah, Yes, what does success
look like for you? Wow? Success spend different at different times. Okay,
(03:04):
what would it.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Look like for you at sixty three?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Now that my kids are grown and I'm retired, I
really would like success to be a companion that I
can actually date and I mean leave my house, yeah,
not be in your home and we actually go to
an event and date. So is that do you find
(03:28):
that a lot on dating apps like these men are
like come over, come through you.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yes, yes, especially the free ones.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
What do you mean, especially the free ones? If it's
not free people out there? Dating app Facebook dating is
a free app.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh app, Okay, you're gonna get.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
What you pay for, you know one dating found. Yeah,
the free apps, you're gonna get a little bit of anything. Okay,
you pay a little bit like eHarmony, match dot com. Yeah,
you know, you get a little better quality. But most
of them, they're not. Their profile says they are. You
get what you paid than free. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Yeah, Naomi, you're young.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I mean I feel like it's really a lot of
your age demographic that are on these dating apps. But
you didn't have a good experience. You don't like it?
Not really, I have to agree.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I think like.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
It opens up a new door for dating, but there's
so much that comes with it. I feel like in
my generation, I guess there is that accessibility. Also, we're
like risk takers that it's kind of like why not
try it? But sometimes it's just not It doesn't work
out how you intend. Yeah, I've had some very not
(04:50):
so satisfying experience.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Something that I found interesting when I was doing some
research for this show is a lot of the black
on these dating apps are not necessarily interested in black women.
In that a lot of people are open to other races,
but black women I believe were the least open white
(05:17):
white men. White men were the least open, and I
think black women were not always open as well. But
the consistent thing across the board was like, black men
aren't on these apps to sign people like me. When
you were on those apps, did you have that experience
or were you matching with folks who look like you?
Majority did look like me, But I think I just
(05:38):
kind of connected the dots with like me, kind of
putting in my preferences. So with the dating apps that
I used, at least it was very like concise and
you were able to like limit like yeah, down to
the sea kind of what you were looking for. Well,
let me just say this. This was a study from Berkeley,
and it was data gathered for more than one million
profiles or singles looking for love online, and it showed
(05:59):
that whites overwhelmingly preferred to date members of their own race,
and black folks, especially men, are for more likely to
cross the race barrier. Are you open to dating outside
of your race or are y'all more like I like it,
like I like my coffee. That's funny you should say
that because I also, in addition to online dating, signed
(06:23):
up for a matchmaking service and I told them they
were trying to encourage me to date outside of my race,
and I told them I will date anything but a Caucasian. Hmm,
So but you're always I'm me, okay, yeah, I you that.
(06:45):
So when dating aubs first came out, because like I said,
I didn't when I came a dating aids, they weren't
a thing. Yeah, the internet was barely a thing, and
so I may have been on the app for like
maybe I may have lasted a week. I don't know
that I ever went out with anybody. I mean, I
just can't imagine I'm gonna meet this stranger and going out.
It's just not And I just the idea that you know,
(07:08):
this algorithm has placed someone for me. I just have
my doubts about it. You seem to feel kind of
how I feel. But what was it about your experiences
that you shied you away from it? So for me,
I feel like and I think I think not really
knowing how to navigate it and going into it, I
(07:29):
played a part. But I feel like things moved very fast. Yeah,
and even like, what do you mean they moved very fast. Like,
so my first initial thought while even going onto the apps,
I'm like, why are you on here? Even though I
have my own thoughts, Wait, but I'm on here, so
I kind of already went into it. I think it
was it was okay, but then I'm like, okay, I'm
on here, I'm doing it, so let's do it. But
(07:50):
it goes from like it's like a weird transition, and
I feel like the two experiences that I've had, it
just went from like behind the screen to like with
both of them and like very clingy, very attached, very
much like today manifest So when you say clingy and attached,
where they like I want to see you all the
time or you're my woman now? Yeah, like like what
(08:13):
so So for me it wasn't it wasn't even like
the intimacy. It was the one thing to I mean,
of course the first date, everything was normal, like it
will go from texting and then it'll be like FaceTime
and then first date type situation and then it's almost
like it was like a fast switch. Like after you're
(08:33):
like first date, like after we like know each other,
we have that initial reaction it was like, oh, what
are you doing today? Like trying to like come like
and I allowed it, but come into my space and
I feel like like resplecting back on it, I was like, WHOA,
Like this stuff can be like dangerous, Like you can't
just allow people into your space like that fast, as
optimistic as you may be about the situation, because we're
(08:54):
all trying.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
To find love here. So it's like, yeah, my husband,
like you know, it's going good.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Like the first interaction by like that kind of like uh,
steer me away more so like it pushed me away.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I'm kind of like, WHOA, Like this is like like.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I don't know you like that like yeah, and then yeah,
and then just meeting someone, that's when you're actually getting
to take on their energy and see their actual mannerisms.
Like that's something that comes later when you when you
start with dating online, So like to meet someone and
then actually take on that energy, characteristic and stuff. If
you don't really like it, then it's like, oh, I've
(09:27):
already let them into my space and now they're like
they might have a different experience, like they might gravitate
towards me or not be opposed to me and want
to like continue, but it's like Okay, we've only been
on one day and now like one of the guys
was like literally like crashing, like he he wanted to
like come over, but he was like rolled up in
my blanket like all day.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
And I was like, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
All this stuff about like what your purpose is and
like your career path and stuff like why you're not
doing that today, Like it was just like yeah, it
was like a complete like shop. So I mean, it's
kind of like my perspective on it, and I would
say now that you ask my advice.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But I do think this is.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Something so important for younger people because in your twenties,
everybody you meet is not going to be a husband,
and I don't even know that it's healthy to look
at everyone like a potential husband. I think it is
the time to get to know yourself what you like,
you know, and it makes that journey home to self
later in life a lot smoother.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I went through a.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Period like that where everyone I met it's like, would
you be a good dad, would you get a good husband?
You know? Could we raised children together? Are values aligned?
And if you didn't meet those things, it was like Okay,
I can't have you on my space and looking back.
I think, you know, I could have had experiences with
people that helped me learn myself better because some of
those things I didn't learn about myself so I got
(10:45):
in my thirties or my forties. So I think it's
a fine balance. Everybody doesn't serve your time, you know.
I think you have to find, you know, the balance
where it strikes you have learned those lessons. You know,
like you are on the other side of life. That's
what I love about you, Miss Sarah. You're like, I
still go out. I still can, Like when is it
supposed to stop? And we were never were supposed to stop? No,
(11:08):
as someone who has you know, lived this full life
the journey. In online dating, do you find that men
are looking for something furious or are they typically looking
for they looking for a long time or a good time.
I would say the majority online dating they're just looking
(11:29):
for a good time. And are you okay with a
good time or in a long seas I'm not okay, okay,
okay in my sucties, I'm not. That's why I'm probably
going to give up online dating. Yeah. Yes, And and
then you have to really know yourself and know what
you're willing to do and what you're willing, not y
not going to do. So you don't put yourself in
(11:52):
the situation. You know, you don't bring them to your home.
You don't even let them know where you live. Right
until you feel comfortable, you know, you drive yourself to
the date, you know, and you meet them out, and yeah,
you meet them out. So you put up your boundaries.
So I've learned to put up my boundaries and also
to look at those red flags. And I don't know
(12:15):
why I was attracted to the last online data when
he said, Sarah, I'm not afraid of you, and I
thought that was challenging.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
But he was afraid of me. Yeah, peculiar person's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
When he said I'm not afraid to.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Read, he really was afraid of a.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Yeah, I guess from reading my profile, you know, college educated.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I didn't put too much.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
In my profile. I don't know what my nice looking
college educated woman in her sixties and his line is,
I'm not afraid of you, you know, talk to me,
and I do. I do reach out to you, So
you know, I'm like, what's wrong with me? That I
answered that ad I thought it was a challenge. So
(13:02):
I think sometimes I use online dating this entertainment. Oh interesting. Yeah,
I want to ask you a question and I do
not want to be out of pocket and the question
to be disrespectful. So if you feel like I am,
please feel free to pop me. I'm curious as a
(13:23):
woman in your sixties the intersection of online dating and sex,
like what it's like and if somebody isn't necessarily looking
for a long time in your sixties. Are you good
with a good time if it is the right time
at the right moment, or are you like I don't know.
(13:43):
I just think for all the people like growing up
like I grew up with blints, you know, like Dorothy,
you know, just let us know you no, we're still
getting it in and.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Thank that get up. Then you don't have sex.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
And you don't know it's gonna be casual, you know, right, but.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
We'll see you don't know. See that's the whole thing
with like and dating.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You know, you think, Okay, this is gonna be it,
and this is gonna be the last one I ever
have sex with. Yeah, but it doesn't end up like that. Yeah,
But yeah, I'm not in for the good time. But
there were years when I was in for a good
time and just because for research purposes, check it better
(14:35):
in your sixties. Hmmm.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
It takes to the tank. That is such a hard
but it can. You can because you should know a
little bit more about what you like and what you
don't like.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Yeah, and so yeah, with the with the right person, yeah,
and it helps when you have that comfort level. And
it's been years, so knowing that person right and yourself, yeah,
knowing yourself. So yeah, when you meet someone now online
dating and actually I did online date someone and they
really wanted to do it right, And I'm like, Okay,
(15:14):
we just came from a nice concert, you know, we
don't really need to do that. Yeah, and he's like, yeah,
we're going to do it. Like it really wasn't all
that isn't you know? And I'm like, m he really
isn't anything to be afraid of. Experience? Yeah, that's too big.
(15:37):
Did you have a good experience? Is there is there
a story to counter that story? We came around, Yeah,
it ain't start. So we got into my bed.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yeah, was supposed to be a one nice.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Stand and it went on for years and yeah, like
oh where is he now? What happened with him? Just away?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Well, maybe maybe he'll be tuning in. Maybe Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, I'm still here singling, ready to mingle.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
For you.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I think the challenge with to a lot of younger people.
I hear it's like young men don't even know how
to speak game anymore, if it's not on an app
or a DM or something. It's like they don't know
how to appropriately approach a young woman and say something
to you. Note please that I said appropriately because like
(16:42):
ain't sexy and anything like that that's not appropriate. Do
you do you find that, like are since you're exhausted
online and you don't really want to pursue that, do
you find that there are young men who have approached
you or would approach you. I think there is a
sense of like there's a shield because I think men
(17:03):
are a lot of men it's the rejection that kind
of they don't even take the steps to you know.
But from a woman's perspective, many times it is how
you how you approach it. Like the rejection comes when
you don't feel respected or like because if the way
you approach me is just in a disrespectful way or
(17:24):
like not of any type of class, then I'm not
going to expect you to court me properly. So I'm
not even gonna give you the first that which is
like my number, Like it starts with that. And I
think a lot of men don't really understand that, like
they don't think too deep into it. It's just like
to avoid all that, let me just not even so
I think men approach less. But also I had to
(17:46):
realize that it's a it's a it's two sided. So
like I've just started to be more intentional with the
what where I place myself? Like, yeah, if I'm on Edgewood,
Like what do you like? What do I expect? How
do I expect to get approached on the area is
a uh uh under a class neighborhood? Yes, not being
(18:11):
super judgmental, but like but if you if you live
in Atlanta, there's just certain areas, certain spaces you know,
be intentional, just like with with a business or like
any other field, like if you're gonna go, like go
to a networking event, like where are you placing yourself?
I think it's like it kind of takes a part
in like how you get approached and baffled at how
many even adults sometimes like I typically do not get
(18:34):
approached in an inappropriate way, like most people are, you know,
very top top, very respectful. But I ain't gonna say who.
But we were filming in New York and this rapper
I'm looking at my executive off the camera and what
I'm talking about. This rapper came by and my he
(18:58):
he had DM me before, but I never I never
saw it. I never really responded. But anyway, my executive
producer was coming back into our sleep and he was
in the hallway. She is a grown woman and a
mother to professional woman. Does he here doing her job?
And he was coming in to holler and he was like, hey, Ma,
(19:20):
how you doing. Yeah, guys like yeah, was well into
his fifties, you know, and you know, a respected MC.
And I was just so disappointed. Yeah, he was speaking. Yeah,
So what I know to be true is as ladies
(19:41):
or women, however you choose to call yourself, when you
stay here, the right ones will come here.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If you sit lonely here, then that you'd rather be
lonely than to take it here and mess around with
who's here. You know, So if they can't, they don't
know how to appropriate approach you. You know, a dating
app sometimes doesn't always filter that out. So I say
that and say, because when somebody is typing, it's different
(20:08):
than when they're speaking. So what is the thing that
people say on these apps that might get your attention
that you might feel like, oh, okay, this is an
appropriate correspondent. Yeah, well I've okay. So I've had one
experience with someone who it didn't even make it to
like the actual dating in person, just based off our
texting and like FaceTime calls and things like that. He
(20:30):
was very much like into himself and it almost seemed
as though he was like looking for an opportunity, like
he was an opportunity for what he was. He was
like talking about his music and like just like rapping.
It was like really weird, and I was like it
was like such a turn off. So it didn't even
like get in to the next phase. But I feel
like the initial look texting and talking before you meet up,
(20:54):
like I just kind of mentioned before, like you don't
get that chemistry, Uh, you don't see their level of
intellect or like you know, how how they even speak
and things like that.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
So I feel like you pick up on all of that.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
During the first in person interaction, and many times, like
when you meet someone in person to start off with,
that's the thing that gravitates towards them or not, so
like it's almost like you don't even know, like like
if I were to have met you in person versus
an app, like, would I have really been attracted to you?
And sometimes you don't realize that until later on. So
(21:27):
I feel like that's kind of the part to navigate
that gets irritating because it's almost like you felt like
you wasted some.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Time when it's like if I just had met you,
I probably would have never even been like attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It's so crazy, like how through a screen or like
through texting, or like how people people can kind of
like be like selective about what they share, how much
they share, because they're able to. When you're in person,
you can't really do that, Like you can't eye contact. Yeah, exactly,
if you're asking you a question and are you avert
my eye contact? Then I'm thinking about you know when
(22:04):
I ask you that question Exactly. You could be nervous
on certain topics that you you could have a certain
conversation through the phone and they might seem completely comfortable
and open. But like if you were in person having
that same conversation, they might have been like maybe like
stuttering or nervous, or like yahoody, like or like looking
something as simple. I someone I dated for a while.
(22:25):
I remember the first time we went out. We were locks,
you know, we were looking each other directly in the eye,
and we were for hours, you know, just so enthralled
in each other's conversation. And I asked him about his mother.
That was the only time he looked away. His mother
had passed away in twenty sixteen. But even something like that,
it let me know, oh, this is a sensitive topic
for you, and oh, let me hold your pain in
(22:47):
this moment. Yeah, but you understand that better about it.
I just don't know that you get that on an
afternoon records something that someone like when they I don't
know how if they slide or slide in a DM
or however it works on these dating apps, Like what
is something that they can stay to you to get
your attention? And honestly, I don't even know if on
these apps are in the space that you're dating. Are
(23:07):
you the chooser or are they the chooser? It goes
both ways. You can choose, and I preferred the like
match dot Comedy Harmony where they ask you certain questions
about your personality, and that's kind of more like an
algorithm or it's really based on your personality, they say,
(23:28):
matching you with a person than just swiping and reading
someone's profile. But one thing I would like, One thing
attracted me is when they could spell and their grammar
because by some profiles and it's like, okay, you even
(23:49):
have spell checkers.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, you know, yeah, didn't put a lot.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Of effort spells. What they have pictures of if they've
done anything, because I was really on there to meet
people to do things with actually date, Yeah, you know,
it may be traveled, and then you see that it's
just pictures of them in their room or in the gym. Yeah,
(24:15):
and they haven't been outside, you know, they haven't traveled. Yeah.
They may say in the words I like traveling. Like
I did meet a guy once online and he said
he liked traveling, and we went on a trip together
and he.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Was nervous on the plane the whole time.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
He had never been on a plane, but he liked
traveling but had never been on a plane.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Because he knows women like a man who likes to
travelers and you can't go. So we went to Ohio
my niece was getting married. Yeah, and yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
He was old. He was on a plane. Oh to
be nervous on the plane in the fifties, in his fifties.
I'm like, okay, so, oh yeah, you can't really go
by what they say. So that's one thing I would
like when I meet them in person to kind of verify. Okay,
when I meet them in person, I'm an verify this
and that. Really, Yeah, there is a lot of dishonesty
(25:16):
or a lot of you know, they want to be
that person in their mind, they think they're that person maybe,
but no traveling in your f one fifty, it's not okay,
So knowing how to spell travels to do some of
(25:39):
their actors attention. That was basically it from the profile
because I learned that you can't really go by yeah, filets.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Up for this beautiful woman here, thank you.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Okay, because we're talking about what these men are looking
like on their profile, I want to see your profile.
If you don't say, okay, let me see it here.
Let me see this photo. You look beautiful in your photo.
You I don't want, y'all. I don't want y'all. Well,
you look beautiful your photo because you know a lot
of people. There's also the issue of catfishing and people
(26:25):
not you know, looking like, like, don't put your picture
when you're thirty years old on your profile. If you
see something you know Christian, you just got your Christian woman.
Oh that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, and you're are you.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Saying that with intention like you want someone who is
also Christian?
Speaker 2 (26:44):
You just want them to know you are Christian?
Speaker 1 (26:46):
And yes, okay both I would like them to know that, yes,
I am a Christian woman.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Don't come here with.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
That fluffy okay, negativity okay. And you're intentionable about meeting
people I am comfortable with as companions for conversation and dating.
I enjoy enjoy traveling, sports, concerts, and cultural events. Yeah,
I mean this seems very Oh you have look at
all your pictures on here. Okay, So you talk about traveling.
(27:14):
I don't see pictures of you traveling because for someone
to travel with, okay, so you I you do travel, yes, okay.
Any reason you don't put those pictures on here? I
think I just didn't put them on there, okay, but
I know it's pictures of her. Uh and a beautiful
death with a garden and her little red dress on
(27:37):
hands on her head, a sealthie your birthday picture. So yeah,
I mean this gives a good If my uncle's watching,
they might slide to your neat, but it might be
taking me about you later they too, they too, But yeah,
I think that is. You know, how you present is
(27:59):
you know a lot to do with what you attract.
But speaking of what we attract, I think we can't
talk about online dating without talking about what the street's
talking about. Okay, y'all already know the streets are talking.
So the streets are talking a lot about Resa Tisa?
Is that okaysa Tisa. I'm excited about this, honestly because
(28:20):
Natasha Rothwell, who's an amazing actress who I love. He
played Kelly on Insecure. She's going to be playing recent Teasa.
But for y'all that don't know, if you've been under
a rock, he was a woman with the one hundred
and eighty seven post on TikTok. I think it was
like fifty eight, but I couldn't get through it all,
so I had to have them like somebody watched and
give me the cliff notes on this. But Essentially, this
(28:40):
man was a complete lie and she did the who
the F did I marry? And this man completely misrepresented himself.
And you know, it's kind of become this cultural phenomenon,
and you know, it's becoming a mini series and we're
making fun of it. But the fact of the matter
is there are dangers out there outside of your physical danger.
So please, if you're online, be careful. They responsibly. You
(29:03):
heard Miss Sarah tell y'all, don't go get in somebody's car.
You meet them out in a public place, and they
don't need to know where you live. All those things,
so please keep yourselves face ladies and gentlemen. But there's
also the emotional pain and torment that comes from that
somebody you know who ghosts you, you know who shows
up and fa take and then disappears, someone who misrepresents themselves,
(29:25):
someone who is in an exclusive relationship and is creeping
on these dating apps. Have you ever had anything like
that happen? So fortunately no, But I feel like although
it was like years ago, and like I've mentioned, letting
that person into my space, I quickly like learned my
lesson just from hearing like other people's stories and just
(29:47):
reflecting back on it, because especially I feel like a
lot of factors apply, Like when you're dating, I don't
feel like you're only considering yourself depending on your circumstances
as well. Of course, none of the men that I've
dated have met my son, but I do have like
a son and things like that. So just like where
you're what, you're exposing yourself who is so important? And
(30:09):
things could have gone like a certain way. Yeah, did
you follow the reason Tisa?
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (30:15):
So and so with her, like, I feel like it's
so like I feel like she was just like really
like dambrusled. Like I feel like if she was going
based off of what was presented to her, like she
wouldn't have ended up in the situation.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
But it's like, how do you It's almost like how
do you control?
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:31):
You know?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I had to say this because a lot of times
when women find themselves in these situations, I am baffled
at how many people attack the woman and is real
and come from men. It's like, ladies have some empathy
for this woman. Yeah, the worst decision you made if
it were put out there to be consumed by social media,
how would you feel if somebody was they were constantly
(30:53):
commenting on what you should have done, what you could
have done, Like, have some grace for your sisters who
are out here looking for partnership, just like a lot
of you guys are so my race for women who
go through that. You know, as human beings, we are
designed to desire attachment. This whole evolution of women out here,
you know, buzting it open for anybody who comes along.
(31:14):
That is not our natural state of being. And you
know you're never gonna out man a man, so you know,
remember who you are. And when women do that and
get their feelings hurt, it's sad. And I just think
we should have empathy for each other. So I have
a lot of empathy for what this woman went through,
even though you know it's kind of become a joke
and people are laughing at it. That had to be
devastating for her to be so vulnerable. Did you follow
(31:42):
their recentysisaga?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I didn't follow it, but I did hear.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah, you know that someone portrayed themselves to be somebody
they really weren't. He was diabolical. He was taking calls
like straight up doing improv like faking a call in
this company where he was a Lexlian executive that it
was never happening. It's like, it's like if I'm sitting
here talking to all, but need the one to all here.
(32:09):
I've had that situation with someone I met online. That's
someone I met in college. What happened they I knew
they had gotten married after college, but then they come
around like ten years later as though they're single and dating.
I mean actually spending the night over at the house dating.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
So why would I think you're married? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Right, So when I realized he was married, I saw
a picture on Facebook and blew it up and I'm like,
is that a ring on his face? Yeah, this brother
is still married. So when we were having a conversation
over the phone and I said, you know, I see
that you're still married. I said something about your wife
and he said, oh wait, the police are pulling me.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Over and I was like, no, he is not.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Actually had a conversation with the police and there was
nobody there.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
I know, there was nobody. Yeah wow. So he wanted
to get off the phone.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Of course, so I'm like, no, no, no, they're killing
black men out here now right on the phone, and
he started having a I never heard another voice, Yeah, right,
And then I'm like, I just hang up. You know,
you're You're just that's one of those you black And
(33:33):
I mean that's another thing. Not that y'all ask my
ain believe me.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
At this all the advice, yea, because I needed.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
And how you know, women can can feel a way,
and that voice that tells you something is not right, lady,
ignor don't ignore it. That intuition. I think God gives
us that gift for a reason. That intuition is something
about this does not feel right. Do I feel safe?
Not just do I feel safe physically? Do I feel
(34:02):
safe emotionally?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:04):
And this person curious about me? Are we equally yokes?
Speaker 3 (34:07):
You know?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Do we live the same Do we have the same
desires and goals? I think all that has to go
in and that's why I'm just I don't know. I
just don't know that.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
You know.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Maybe for some people, online dating cuts right to that,
you know.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
And it gets you.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
I know, people who pay like big, like upwards of
twenty five thousand dollars for matchmaking services, and there are
women of a certain caliber and they pair you with
men of a certain caliber. But even that, I'm like,
I don't know that ashiness and foolishness knows the tax bracking,
you know, like at every level you can deal with
some foolishness. So I just I don't know that online
(34:40):
dating is I don't know that it's really bringing us closer.
I don't know that it's had a true impact on
partnership and you know, cultivating true connection with people. I
just I don't know. I feel I definitely feel like
when when you do kind of you can tell when
you take it serious and when you take it to
the next level to touch on what you are over
speaking on earlier about like if you're like investing into it,
(35:01):
if you're paying for an app like you you want
to see long like you have a different like purpose
with it. I know there's some apps I think Riya
that's how you pronounce it. Yeah, so Riya is like
one for people in the public eye, which is I mean, honestly,
you know, for me when I had to show an MSNBC, like,
I I don't feel like I can just go out
(35:23):
and let somebody you know, I'm not giving you. You
can't just approach me and get my number. I just yeah,
do that so that that app is for people who
are in the public, you're verified, like you're looking at
social media and all that. Like the people I know
in there is foollessness that happens. Yeah, yeah, lessness.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Like a waiting all that.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
But yeah, I guess, yeah, but dating is just foolish serious, Yeah,
it's that, you know, what we build as a people
in a community. Love has such predo and who we are,
especially as black women. And I think there are a
lot of people out there with a lot of love
and nowhere to put it, and they're trying to figure
that out. And sometimes that desire to park that love
(36:09):
somewhere cloud's judgment, you know.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
So yeah, I really appreciate y'all being so open about experience.
Some of it has informed me, some of it has
scared me.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
But bring a little light.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yeah, I will say my sister, she did meet her
now husband on a dating app. Yeah, that's why I
haven't married. So they just got married like a month ago, okay,
they but all everything that we're saying, it kind of
still follows the same lines, like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
It moved fast. They didn't want that, it moved fast
for them.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
How long have they known each other, Like a little
over a year now, Okay, we're gonna check back in
with you in five years. I'm not speaking any ill will.
I pray that their marriage is long last and prooful
and bountiful, and you know, I really do.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I want that.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
I want that for my sisters because we deserve Black
women desire and deserve love and brothers. Y'all do too,
So you know, somehow we got to get this together,
especially for the younger generation that's coming up, and you know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
The soldier ones too. Yea life.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
I completely agree. I completely agree. I travel them with
my girlfriends, my sisters. I mean, I'm not tired of it.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
We have fun, but.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
It's different, man, Yeah, saw us sometimes I need I need,
I need comfort a man, I get it.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Yes, yeah, and I do hear you and Sarah, I
think that's so true too. But I just know that
you were married, you had kids, you know, for younger
people who desire to build a family unit and produce
you know, young children and rythm. I just wonder how
that experience is going to be with all these apps
and smartphones and algorithms and the introduction of the I
(37:56):
and what impact AI will have on the dating world
and fakes and catfishing, and so you know, we're not avatars,
we're actual human beings to desire attachment. So yeah, I
pray it goes well.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
But I am thankful to both you.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
Ladies for sharing your story because I think that's the
thing to remember, that self love. I always say self
love comes first, definitely, So when you are if you're
younger navigating this space, if you're older navigating this space,
that is the one thing that I think will always
draw back home. Do you love yourself? And how are
you presenting yourself honestly and authentically? But more than anything,
(38:32):
please listen to that inside of voice. If you don't
feel like something is right, if you don't feel safe
physically or emotionally, that is the universe whispering to you.
That's that universal tap on your shoulder. That's saying pay attention,
exercise that disearnment, because if you ignore that quiet voice,
it will get quieter and quieter until you can't hear
it anymore.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
And listen.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Fellow travelers, happy hunting out there. I hope that you
all continue to be hopeful about love because it is
not just who we are, but we are spiritual beings
having a human experience here, and part of that human
experience is finding love. So I wish you all well
in your journey and thank you for tuning in to
this episode of Across Generations. Please tune back because we
(39:13):
have another episode coming your way every week. Each week,
an elder, a younger and me we talk about issues
like this, So tell a friend, drop a comment, subscribe, share,
do all the things. The more you all invest in us,
we can invest in these conversations. Thank you again for
tuning in. I'm your Host, Tiffany Crost. Across Generations is
brought to you by Willpacker and Wilpacker Media in partnership
(39:34):
with iHeart Podcast. I'm Your Host and executive producer Tiffany
d Cross from Idea to Launch Productions Executive producer Carla
willmeris produced by Mandy Bee and Angel Forte, Editing, sound
design and mix by Gaza Forte for original music by
Epidemic Sound. Video editing by Kathon Alexander and Court meeting
(40:00):
Zo
Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of black
women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. We
gather a season elder myself as the middle generation, and
a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to
engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
(00:26):
You know how we do? We create magic, Cate magic. Hi, everybody,
welcome to another episode of Across Generations. I'm your host
Tiffany Cross, and today we are talking about online dating. Okay,
so I have to be honest with you, guys. Honestly,
this is really not for me. I didn't grow up
(00:47):
with smartphones or social media. These things came along when
I was well into adulthood. So I've always found that
genuine connection is really hard to explore via a device.
But I also have my doubts about an alg rhythm
being able to identify a romantic partner for people. I
think it perpetuates kind of this like shallow hookup culture
and not really the opportunity to cultivate healthy attachment with
(01:10):
the like minded and caring individual with whom one shares
common goals. But listen, maybe I'm in the minority here
because a study by Nimble that's a software company, they
gathered that thirty one percent of dating app users identify
as black. So a lot of y'all are out there
on them, and there's not any solid data on success
rates of like black women who are on there, But
(01:31):
I suppose that would depend on how one defines success.
Maybe not everyone is looking for the same thing. Then
there are things like physical and emotional safety. One dating
app made specifically for black singles recently conducted a surve
wey to better understand the state of Black women in dating. Well,
that study found that fifty six percent of Black women
do not feel safe on mainstream dating apps. So it's
(01:53):
quite the tumultuous terrain out there, and sometimes it seems
to be feeding this growing animist that far too often
divides our community. So how many of you are out
there on dating app? Drop a comment and let me
know if you're on a dating app, and what's your
experience like do you feel safe? These are the questions
we're going to get in today with these two amazing guests.
(02:15):
So we have on our younger side, Miss Naomi Rose.
She's twenty six years old, She calls herself an influencer
and content creator who focuses on lifestyle content now. She
explored online dating during COVID like a lot of y'all did,
and ultimately deemed it was not the toll she preferred
to progress her romantic life. On the other side, we
have Miss Sarah Yeari. She's a sixty three year old
(02:37):
retired software engineer who relocated to Georgia after her divorce,
and she began online dating in the early two thousands
and is strongly considering giving it up due to not
experiencing any success in her efforts. But we don't know
what success means, so Miss Sarah, Yes, what does success
look like for you? Wow? Success spend different at different times. Okay,
(03:04):
what would it.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Look like for you at sixty three?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Now that my kids are grown and I'm retired, I
really would like success to be a companion that I
can actually date and I mean leave my house, yeah,
not be in your home and we actually go to
an event and date. So is that do you find
(03:28):
that a lot on dating apps like these men are
like come over, come through you.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yes, yes, especially the free ones.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
What do you mean, especially the free ones? If it's
not free people out there? Dating app Facebook dating is
a free app.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh app, Okay, you're gonna get.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
What you pay for, you know one dating found. Yeah,
the free apps, you're gonna get a little bit of anything. Okay,
you pay a little bit like eHarmony, match dot com. Yeah,
you know, you get a little better quality. But most
of them, they're not. Their profile says they are. You
get what you paid than free. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Yeah, Naomi, you're young.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I mean I feel like it's really a lot of
your age demographic that are on these dating apps. But
you didn't have a good experience. You don't like it?
Not really, I have to agree.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I think like.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
It opens up a new door for dating, but there's
so much that comes with it. I feel like in
my generation, I guess there is that accessibility. Also, we're
like risk takers that it's kind of like why not
try it? But sometimes it's just not It doesn't work
out how you intend. Yeah, I've had some very not
(04:50):
so satisfying experience.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Something that I found interesting when I was doing some
research for this show is a lot of the black
on these dating apps are not necessarily interested in black women.
In that a lot of people are open to other races,
but black women I believe were the least open white
(05:17):
white men. White men were the least open, and I
think black women were not always open as well. But
the consistent thing across the board was like, black men
aren't on these apps to sign people like me. When
you were on those apps, did you have that experience
or were you matching with folks who look like you?
Majority did look like me, But I think I just
(05:38):
kind of connected the dots with like me, kind of
putting in my preferences. So with the dating apps that
I used, at least it was very like concise and
you were able to like limit like yeah, down to
the sea kind of what you were looking for. Well,
let me just say this. This was a study from Berkeley,
and it was data gathered for more than one million
profiles or singles looking for love online, and it showed
(05:59):
that whites overwhelmingly preferred to date members of their own race,
and black folks, especially men, are for more likely to
cross the race barrier. Are you open to dating outside
of your race or are y'all more like I like it,
like I like my coffee. That's funny you should say
that because I also, in addition to online dating, signed
(06:23):
up for a matchmaking service and I told them they
were trying to encourage me to date outside of my race,
and I told them I will date anything but a Caucasian. Hmm,
So but you're always I'm me, okay, yeah, I you that.
(06:45):
So when dating aubs first came out, because like I said,
I didn't when I came a dating aids, they weren't
a thing. Yeah, the internet was barely a thing, and
so I may have been on the app for like
maybe I may have lasted a week. I don't know
that I ever went out with anybody. I mean, I
just can't imagine I'm gonna meet this stranger and going out.
It's just not And I just the idea that you know,
(07:08):
this algorithm has placed someone for me. I just have
my doubts about it. You seem to feel kind of
how I feel. But what was it about your experiences
that you shied you away from it? So for me,
I feel like and I think I think not really
knowing how to navigate it and going into it, I
(07:29):
played a part. But I feel like things moved very fast. Yeah,
and even like, what do you mean they moved very fast. Like,
so my first initial thought while even going onto the apps,
I'm like, why are you on here? Even though I
have my own thoughts, Wait, but I'm on here, so
I kind of already went into it. I think it
was it was okay, but then I'm like, okay, I'm
on here, I'm doing it, so let's do it. But
(07:50):
it goes from like it's like a weird transition, and
I feel like the two experiences that I've had, it
just went from like behind the screen to like with
both of them and like very clingy, very attached, very
much like today manifest So when you say clingy and attached,
where they like I want to see you all the
time or you're my woman now? Yeah, like like what
(08:13):
so So for me it wasn't it wasn't even like
the intimacy. It was the one thing to I mean,
of course the first date, everything was normal, like it
will go from texting and then it'll be like FaceTime
and then first date type situation and then it's almost
like it was like a fast switch. Like after you're
(08:33):
like first date, like after we like know each other,
we have that initial reaction it was like, oh, what
are you doing today? Like trying to like come like
and I allowed it, but come into my space and
I feel like like resplecting back on it, I was like, WHOA,
Like this stuff can be like dangerous, Like you can't
just allow people into your space like that fast, as
optimistic as you may be about the situation, because we're
(08:54):
all trying.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
To find love here. So it's like, yeah, my husband,
like you know, it's going good.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Like the first interaction by like that kind of like uh,
steer me away more so like it pushed me away.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I'm kind of like, WHOA, Like this is like like.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I don't know you like that like yeah, and then yeah,
and then just meeting someone, that's when you're actually getting
to take on their energy and see their actual mannerisms.
Like that's something that comes later when you when you
start with dating online, So like to meet someone and
then actually take on that energy, characteristic and stuff. If
you don't really like it, then it's like, oh, I've
(09:27):
already let them into my space and now they're like
they might have a different experience, like they might gravitate
towards me or not be opposed to me and want
to like continue, but it's like Okay, we've only been
on one day and now like one of the guys
was like literally like crashing, like he he wanted to
like come over, but he was like rolled up in
my blanket like all day.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
And I was like, okay, so.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
All this stuff about like what your purpose is and
like your career path and stuff like why you're not
doing that today, Like it was just like yeah, it
was like a complete like shop. So I mean, it's
kind of like my perspective on it, and I would
say now that you ask my advice.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
But I do think this is.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Something so important for younger people because in your twenties,
everybody you meet is not going to be a husband,
and I don't even know that it's healthy to look
at everyone like a potential husband. I think it is
the time to get to know yourself what you like,
you know, and it makes that journey home to self
later in life a lot smoother.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I went through a.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Period like that where everyone I met it's like, would
you be a good dad, would you get a good husband?
You know? Could we raised children together? Are values aligned?
And if you didn't meet those things, it was like Okay,
I can't have you on my space and looking back.
I think, you know, I could have had experiences with
people that helped me learn myself better because some of
those things I didn't learn about myself so I got
(10:45):
in my thirties or my forties. So I think it's
a fine balance. Everybody doesn't serve your time, you know.
I think you have to find, you know, the balance
where it strikes you have learned those lessons. You know,
like you are on the other side of life. That's
what I love about you, Miss Sarah. You're like, I
still go out. I still can, Like when is it
supposed to stop? And we were never were supposed to stop? No,
(11:08):
as someone who has you know, lived this full life
the journey. In online dating, do you find that men
are looking for something furious or are they typically looking
for they looking for a long time or a good time.
I would say the majority online dating they're just looking
(11:29):
for a good time. And are you okay with a
good time or in a long seas I'm not okay, okay,
okay in my sucties, I'm not. That's why I'm probably
going to give up online dating. Yeah. Yes, And and
then you have to really know yourself and know what
you're willing to do and what you're willing, not y
not going to do. So you don't put yourself in
(11:52):
the situation. You know, you don't bring them to your home.
You don't even let them know where you live. Right
until you feel comfortable, you know, you drive yourself to
the date, you know, and you meet them out, and yeah,
you meet them out. So you put up your boundaries.
So I've learned to put up my boundaries and also
to look at those red flags. And I don't know
(12:15):
why I was attracted to the last online data when
he said, Sarah, I'm not afraid of you, and I
thought that was challenging.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
But he was afraid of me. Yeah, peculiar person's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
When he said I'm not afraid to.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Read, he really was afraid of a.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Yeah, I guess from reading my profile, you know, college educated.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I didn't put too much.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
In my profile. I don't know what my nice looking
college educated woman in her sixties and his line is,
I'm not afraid of you, you know, talk to me,
and I do. I do reach out to you, So
you know, I'm like, what's wrong with me? That I
answered that ad I thought it was a challenge. So
(13:02):
I think sometimes I use online dating this entertainment. Oh interesting. Yeah,
I want to ask you a question and I do
not want to be out of pocket and the question
to be disrespectful. So if you feel like I am,
please feel free to pop me. I'm curious as a
(13:23):
woman in your sixties the intersection of online dating and sex,
like what it's like and if somebody isn't necessarily looking
for a long time in your sixties. Are you good
with a good time if it is the right time
at the right moment, or are you like I don't know.
(13:43):
I just think for all the people like growing up
like I grew up with blints, you know, like Dorothy,
you know, just let us know you no, we're still
getting it in and.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Thank that get up. Then you don't have sex.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
And you don't know it's gonna be casual, you know, right, but.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
We'll see you don't know. See that's the whole thing
with like and dating.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
You know, you think, Okay, this is gonna be it,
and this is gonna be the last one I ever
have sex with. Yeah, but it doesn't end up like that. Yeah,
But yeah, I'm not in for the good time. But
there were years when I was in for a good
time and just because for research purposes, check it better
(14:35):
in your sixties. Hmmm.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
It takes to the tank. That is such a hard
but it can. You can because you should know a
little bit more about what you like and what you
don't like.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Yeah, and so yeah, with the with the right person, yeah,
and it helps when you have that comfort level. And
it's been years, so knowing that person right and yourself, yeah,
knowing yourself. So yeah, when you meet someone now online
dating and actually I did online date someone and they
really wanted to do it right, And I'm like, Okay,
(15:14):
we just came from a nice concert, you know, we
don't really need to do that. Yeah, and he's like, yeah,
we're going to do it. Like it really wasn't all
that isn't you know? And I'm like, m he really
isn't anything to be afraid of. Experience? Yeah, that's too big.
(15:37):
Did you have a good experience? Is there is there
a story to counter that story? We came around, Yeah,
it ain't start. So we got into my bed.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yeah, was supposed to be a one nice.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Stand and it went on for years and yeah, like
oh where is he now? What happened with him? Just away?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Well, maybe maybe he'll be tuning in. Maybe Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Yeah, I'm still here singling, ready to mingle.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
For you.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
I think the challenge with to a lot of younger people.
I hear it's like young men don't even know how
to speak game anymore, if it's not on an app
or a DM or something. It's like they don't know
how to appropriately approach a young woman and say something
to you. Note please that I said appropriately because like
(16:42):
ain't sexy and anything like that that's not appropriate. Do
you do you find that, like are since you're exhausted
online and you don't really want to pursue that, do
you find that there are young men who have approached
you or would approach you. I think there is a
sense of like there's a shield because I think men
(17:03):
are a lot of men it's the rejection that kind
of they don't even take the steps to you know.
But from a woman's perspective, many times it is how
you how you approach it. Like the rejection comes when
you don't feel respected or like because if the way
you approach me is just in a disrespectful way or
(17:24):
like not of any type of class, then I'm not
going to expect you to court me properly. So I'm
not even gonna give you the first that which is
like my number, Like it starts with that. And I
think a lot of men don't really understand that, like
they don't think too deep into it. It's just like
to avoid all that, let me just not even so
I think men approach less. But also I had to
(17:46):
realize that it's a it's a it's two sided. So
like I've just started to be more intentional with the
what where I place myself? Like, yeah, if I'm on Edgewood,
Like what do you like? What do I expect? How
do I expect to get approached on the area is
a uh uh under a class neighborhood? Yes, not being
(18:11):
super judgmental, but like but if you if you live
in Atlanta, there's just certain areas, certain spaces you know,
be intentional, just like with with a business or like
any other field, like if you're gonna go, like go
to a networking event, like where are you placing yourself?
I think it's like it kind of takes a part
in like how you get approached and baffled at how
many even adults sometimes like I typically do not get
(18:34):
approached in an inappropriate way, like most people are, you know,
very top top, very respectful. But I ain't gonna say who.
But we were filming in New York and this rapper
I'm looking at my executive off the camera and what
I'm talking about. This rapper came by and my he
(18:58):
he had DM me before, but I never I never
saw it. I never really responded. But anyway, my executive
producer was coming back into our sleep and he was
in the hallway. She is a grown woman and a
mother to professional woman. Does he here doing her job?
And he was coming in to holler and he was like, hey, Ma,
(19:20):
how you doing. Yeah, guys like yeah, was well into
his fifties, you know, and you know, a respected MC.
And I was just so disappointed. Yeah, he was speaking. Yeah,
So what I know to be true is as ladies
(19:41):
or women, however you choose to call yourself, when you
stay here, the right ones will come here.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
If you sit lonely here, then that you'd rather be
lonely than to take it here and mess around with
who's here. You know, So if they can't, they don't
know how to appropriate approach you. You know, a dating
app sometimes doesn't always filter that out. So I say
that and say, because when somebody is typing, it's different
(20:08):
than when they're speaking. So what is the thing that
people say on these apps that might get your attention
that you might feel like, oh, okay, this is an
appropriate correspondent. Yeah, well I've okay. So I've had one
experience with someone who it didn't even make it to
like the actual dating in person, just based off our
texting and like FaceTime calls and things like that. He
(20:30):
was very much like into himself and it almost seemed
as though he was like looking for an opportunity, like
he was an opportunity for what he was. He was
like talking about his music and like just like rapping.
It was like really weird, and I was like it
was like such a turn off. So it didn't even
like get in to the next phase. But I feel
like the initial look texting and talking before you meet up,
(20:54):
like I just kind of mentioned before, like you don't
get that chemistry, Uh, you don't see their level of
intellect or like you know, how how they even speak
and things like that.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
So I feel like you pick up on all of that.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
During the first in person interaction, and many times, like
when you meet someone in person to start off with,
that's the thing that gravitates towards them or not, so
like it's almost like you don't even know, like like
if I were to have met you in person versus
an app, like, would I have really been attracted to you?
And sometimes you don't realize that until later on. So
(21:27):
I feel like that's kind of the part to navigate
that gets irritating because it's almost like you felt like
you wasted some.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Time when it's like if I just had met you,
I probably would have never even been like attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It's so crazy, like how through a screen or like
through texting, or like how people people can kind of
like be like selective about what they share, how much
they share, because they're able to. When you're in person,
you can't really do that, Like you can't eye contact. Yeah, exactly,
if you're asking you a question and are you avert
my eye contact? Then I'm thinking about you know when
(22:04):
I ask you that question Exactly. You could be nervous
on certain topics that you you could have a certain
conversation through the phone and they might seem completely comfortable
and open. But like if you were in person having
that same conversation, they might have been like maybe like
stuttering or nervous, or like yahoody, like or like looking
something as simple. I someone I dated for a while.
(22:25):
I remember the first time we went out. We were locks,
you know, we were looking each other directly in the eye,
and we were for hours, you know, just so enthralled
in each other's conversation. And I asked him about his mother.
That was the only time he looked away. His mother
had passed away in twenty sixteen. But even something like that,
it let me know, oh, this is a sensitive topic
for you, and oh, let me hold your pain in
(22:47):
this moment. Yeah, but you understand that better about it.
I just don't know that you get that on an
afternoon records something that someone like when they I don't
know how if they slide or slide in a DM
or however it works on these dating apps, Like what
is something that they can stay to you to get
your attention? And honestly, I don't even know if on
these apps are in the space that you're dating. Are
(23:07):
you the chooser or are they the chooser? It goes
both ways. You can choose, and I preferred the like
match dot Comedy Harmony where they ask you certain questions
about your personality, and that's kind of more like an
algorithm or it's really based on your personality, they say,
(23:28):
matching you with a person than just swiping and reading
someone's profile. But one thing I would like, One thing
attracted me is when they could spell and their grammar
because by some profiles and it's like, okay, you even
(23:49):
have spell checkers.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, you know, yeah, didn't put a lot.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Of effort spells. What they have pictures of if they've
done anything, because I was really on there to meet
people to do things with actually date, Yeah, you know,
it may be traveled, and then you see that it's
just pictures of them in their room or in the gym. Yeah,
(24:15):
and they haven't been outside, you know, they haven't traveled. Yeah.
They may say in the words I like traveling. Like
I did meet a guy once online and he said
he liked traveling, and we went on a trip together
and he.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Was nervous on the plane the whole time.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
He had never been on a plane, but he liked
traveling but had never been on a plane.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Because he knows women like a man who likes to
travelers and you can't go. So we went to Ohio
my niece was getting married. Yeah, and yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
He was old. He was on a plane. Oh to
be nervous on the plane in the fifties, in his fifties.
I'm like, okay, so, oh yeah, you can't really go
by what they say. So that's one thing I would
like when I meet them in person to kind of verify. Okay,
when I meet them in person, I'm an verify this
and that. Really, Yeah, there is a lot of dishonesty
(25:16):
or a lot of you know, they want to be
that person in their mind, they think they're that person maybe,
but no traveling in your f one fifty, it's not okay,
So knowing how to spell travels to do some of
(25:39):
their actors attention. That was basically it from the profile
because I learned that you can't really go by yeah, filets.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Up for this beautiful woman here, thank you.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Okay, because we're talking about what these men are looking
like on their profile, I want to see your profile.
If you don't say, okay, let me see it here.
Let me see this photo. You look beautiful in your photo.
You I don't want, y'all. I don't want y'all. Well,
you look beautiful your photo because you know a lot
of people. There's also the issue of catfishing and people
(26:25):
not you know, looking like, like, don't put your picture
when you're thirty years old on your profile. If you
see something you know Christian, you just got your Christian woman.
Oh that's interesting.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, and you're are you.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Saying that with intention like you want someone who is
also Christian?
Speaker 2 (26:44):
You just want them to know you are Christian?
Speaker 1 (26:46):
And yes, okay both I would like them to know that, yes,
I am a Christian woman.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Don't come here with.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
That fluffy okay, negativity okay. And you're intentionable about meeting
people I am comfortable with as companions for conversation and dating.
I enjoy enjoy traveling, sports, concerts, and cultural events. Yeah,
I mean this seems very Oh you have look at
all your pictures on here. Okay, So you talk about traveling.
(27:14):
I don't see pictures of you traveling because for someone
to travel with, okay, so you I you do travel, yes, okay.
Any reason you don't put those pictures on here? I
think I just didn't put them on there, okay, but
I know it's pictures of her. Uh and a beautiful
death with a garden and her little red dress on
(27:37):
hands on her head, a sealthie your birthday picture. So yeah,
I mean this gives a good If my uncle's watching,
they might slide to your neat, but it might be
taking me about you later they too, they too, But yeah,
I think that is. You know, how you present is
(27:59):
you know a lot to do with what you attract.
But speaking of what we attract, I think we can't
talk about online dating without talking about what the street's
talking about. Okay, y'all already know the streets are talking.
So the streets are talking a lot about Resa Tisa?
Is that okaysa Tisa. I'm excited about this, honestly because
(28:20):
Natasha Rothwell, who's an amazing actress who I love. He
played Kelly on Insecure. She's going to be playing recent Teasa.
But for y'all that don't know, if you've been under
a rock, he was a woman with the one hundred
and eighty seven post on TikTok. I think it was
like fifty eight, but I couldn't get through it all,
so I had to have them like somebody watched and
give me the cliff notes on this. But Essentially, this
(28:40):
man was a complete lie and she did the who
the F did I marry? And this man completely misrepresented himself.
And you know, it's kind of become this cultural phenomenon,
and you know, it's becoming a mini series and we're
making fun of it. But the fact of the matter
is there are dangers out there outside of your physical danger.
So please, if you're online, be careful. They responsibly. You
(29:03):
heard Miss Sarah tell y'all, don't go get in somebody's car.
You meet them out in a public place, and they
don't need to know where you live. All those things,
so please keep yourselves face ladies and gentlemen. But there's
also the emotional pain and torment that comes from that
somebody you know who ghosts you, you know who shows
up and fa take and then disappears, someone who misrepresents themselves,
(29:25):
someone who is in an exclusive relationship and is creeping
on these dating apps. Have you ever had anything like
that happen? So fortunately no, But I feel like although
it was like years ago, and like I've mentioned, letting
that person into my space, I quickly like learned my
lesson just from hearing like other people's stories and just
(29:47):
reflecting back on it, because especially I feel like a
lot of factors apply, Like when you're dating, I don't
feel like you're only considering yourself depending on your circumstances
as well. Of course, none of the men that I've
dated have met my son, but I do have like
a son and things like that. So just like where
you're what, you're exposing yourself who is so important? And
(30:09):
things could have gone like a certain way. Yeah, did
you follow the reason Tisa?
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (30:15):
So and so with her, like, I feel like it's
so like I feel like she was just like really
like dambrusled. Like I feel like if she was going
based off of what was presented to her, like she
wouldn't have ended up in the situation.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
But it's like, how do you It's almost like how
do you control?
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Right?
Speaker 3 (30:31):
You know?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I had to say this because a lot of times
when women find themselves in these situations, I am baffled
at how many people attack the woman and is real
and come from men. It's like, ladies have some empathy
for this woman. Yeah, the worst decision you made if
it were put out there to be consumed by social media,
how would you feel if somebody was they were constantly
(30:53):
commenting on what you should have done, what you could
have done, Like, have some grace for your sisters who
are out here looking for partnership, just like a lot
of you guys are so my race for women who
go through that. You know, as human beings, we are
designed to desire attachment. This whole evolution of women out here,
you know, buzting it open for anybody who comes along.
(31:14):
That is not our natural state of being. And you
know you're never gonna out man a man, so you know,
remember who you are. And when women do that and
get their feelings hurt, it's sad. And I just think
we should have empathy for each other. So I have
a lot of empathy for what this woman went through,
even though you know it's kind of become a joke
and people are laughing at it. That had to be
devastating for her to be so vulnerable. Did you follow
(31:42):
their recentysisaga?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I didn't follow it, but I did hear.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah, you know that someone portrayed themselves to be somebody
they really weren't. He was diabolical. He was taking calls
like straight up doing improv like faking a call in
this company where he was a Lexlian executive that it
was never happening. It's like, it's like if I'm sitting
here talking to all, but need the one to all here.
(32:09):
I've had that situation with someone I met online. That's
someone I met in college. What happened they I knew
they had gotten married after college, but then they come
around like ten years later as though they're single and dating.
I mean actually spending the night over at the house dating.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
So why would I think you're married? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Right, So when I realized he was married, I saw
a picture on Facebook and blew it up and I'm like,
is that a ring on his face? Yeah, this brother
is still married. So when we were having a conversation
over the phone and I said, you know, I see
that you're still married. I said something about your wife
and he said, oh wait, the police are pulling me.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Over and I was like, no, he is not.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Actually had a conversation with the police and there was
nobody there.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
I know, there was nobody. Yeah wow. So he wanted
to get off the phone.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
Of course, so I'm like, no, no, no, they're killing
black men out here now right on the phone, and
he started having a I never heard another voice, Yeah, right,
And then I'm like, I just hang up. You know,
you're You're just that's one of those you black And
(33:33):
I mean that's another thing. Not that y'all ask my
ain believe me.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
At this all the advice, yea, because I needed.
Speaker 1 (33:40):
And how you know, women can can feel a way,
and that voice that tells you something is not right, lady,
ignor don't ignore it. That intuition. I think God gives
us that gift for a reason. That intuition is something
about this does not feel right. Do I feel safe?
Not just do I feel safe physically? Do I feel
(34:02):
safe emotionally?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:04):
And this person curious about me? Are we equally yokes?
Speaker 3 (34:07):
You know?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
Do we live the same Do we have the same
desires and goals? I think all that has to go
in and that's why I'm just I don't know. I
just don't know that.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
You know.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Maybe for some people, online dating cuts right to that,
you know.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
And it gets you.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
I know, people who pay like big, like upwards of
twenty five thousand dollars for matchmaking services, and there are
women of a certain caliber and they pair you with
men of a certain caliber. But even that, I'm like,
I don't know that ashiness and foolishness knows the tax bracking,
you know, like at every level you can deal with
some foolishness. So I just I don't know that online
(34:40):
dating is I don't know that it's really bringing us closer.
I don't know that it's had a true impact on
partnership and you know, cultivating true connection with people. I
just I don't know. I feel I definitely feel like
when when you do kind of you can tell when
you take it serious and when you take it to
the next level to touch on what you are over
speaking on earlier about like if you're like investing into it,
(35:01):
if you're paying for an app like you you want
to see long like you have a different like purpose
with it. I know there's some apps I think Riya
that's how you pronounce it. Yeah, so Riya is like
one for people in the public eye, which is I mean, honestly,
you know, for me when I had to show an MSNBC, like,
I I don't feel like I can just go out
(35:23):
and let somebody you know, I'm not giving you. You
can't just approach me and get my number. I just yeah,
do that so that that app is for people who
are in the public, you're verified, like you're looking at
social media and all that. Like the people I know
in there is foollessness that happens. Yeah, yeah, lessness.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Like a waiting all that.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
But yeah, I guess, yeah, but dating is just foolish serious, Yeah,
it's that, you know, what we build as a people
in a community. Love has such predo and who we are,
especially as black women. And I think there are a
lot of people out there with a lot of love
and nowhere to put it, and they're trying to figure
that out. And sometimes that desire to park that love
(36:09):
somewhere cloud's judgment, you know.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
So yeah, I really appreciate y'all being so open about experience.
Some of it has informed me, some of it has
scared me.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
But bring a little light.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Yeah, I will say my sister, she did meet her
now husband on a dating app. Yeah, that's why I
haven't married. So they just got married like a month ago, okay,
they but all everything that we're saying, it kind of
still follows the same lines, like.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
It moved fast. They didn't want that, it moved fast
for them.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
How long have they known each other, Like a little
over a year now, Okay, we're gonna check back in
with you in five years. I'm not speaking any ill will.
I pray that their marriage is long last and prooful
and bountiful, and you know, I really do.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I want that.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
I want that for my sisters because we deserve Black
women desire and deserve love and brothers. Y'all do too,
So you know, somehow we got to get this together,
especially for the younger generation that's coming up, and you know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
The soldier ones too. Yea life.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
I completely agree. I completely agree. I travel them with
my girlfriends, my sisters. I mean, I'm not tired of it.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
We have fun, but.
Speaker 3 (37:23):
It's different, man, Yeah, saw us sometimes I need I need,
I need comfort a man, I get it.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Yes, yeah, and I do hear you and Sarah, I
think that's so true too. But I just know that
you were married, you had kids, you know, for younger
people who desire to build a family unit and produce
you know, young children and rythm. I just wonder how
that experience is going to be with all these apps
and smartphones and algorithms and the introduction of the I
(37:56):
and what impact AI will have on the dating world
and fakes and catfishing, and so you know, we're not avatars,
we're actual human beings to desire attachment. So yeah, I
pray it goes well.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
But I am thankful to both you.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
Ladies for sharing your story because I think that's the
thing to remember, that self love. I always say self
love comes first, definitely, So when you are if you're
younger navigating this space, if you're older navigating this space,
that is the one thing that I think will always
draw back home. Do you love yourself? And how are
you presenting yourself honestly and authentically? But more than anything,
(38:32):
please listen to that inside of voice. If you don't
feel like something is right, if you don't feel safe
physically or emotionally, that is the universe whispering to you.
That's that universal tap on your shoulder. That's saying pay attention,
exercise that disearnment, because if you ignore that quiet voice,
it will get quieter and quieter until you can't hear
it anymore.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
And listen.
Speaker 1 (38:52):
Fellow travelers, happy hunting out there. I hope that you
all continue to be hopeful about love because it is
not just who we are, but we are spiritual beings
having a human experience here, and part of that human
experience is finding love. So I wish you all well
in your journey and thank you for tuning in to
this episode of Across Generations. Please tune back because we
(39:13):
have another episode coming your way every week. Each week,
an elder, a younger and me we talk about issues
like this, So tell a friend, drop a comment, subscribe, share,
do all the things. The more you all invest in us,
we can invest in these conversations. Thank you again for
tuning in. I'm your Host, Tiffany Crost. Across Generations is
brought to you by Willpacker and Wilpacker Media in partnership
(39:34):
with iHeart Podcast. I'm Your Host and executive producer Tiffany
d Cross from Idea to Launch Productions Executive producer Carla
willmeris produced by Mandy Bee and Angel Forte, Editing, sound
design and mix by Gaza Forte for original music by
Epidemic Sound. Video editing by Kathon Alexander and Court meeting
(40:00):
Zo
Host
Tiffany Cross
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