January 14, 2025 • 30 mins
In this episode, Johnita Mizell shares her heartfelt journey as a single mother by choice, navigating the challenges and triumphs of IVF, the strength required to face her daughter's rare cancer diagnosis, and her hopes of expanding her family. With candid insights, resilience, and humor, Across Generations is a testament to the power of storytelling and the enduring spirit of Black women.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to a cross generations where the voices of Black
women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. We
gather a season elder myself as the middle generation, and
a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to
engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
We create magic Magic. Hi everybody, I'm Tiffany Cross, your
host of across Generations, and joining us today is Janita Mozelle.
She's a passionate advocate for women's health and a strong
voice in the conversation around IVF. Genita brings her personal
experience and deep insight into the challenges many people face today.
(00:50):
She will share her story and the impacts IVF has
had on her life and offer guidance to those as
she tells us about her personal experience. We hope you
enjoy her story.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Thank you so much for having me, and hopefully my
story inspires and educates women who are considering IVF. I
am a single mother by choice. I was a career
go getter, traveled a lot, lived in great places, and
really had not given a thought around family planning. Always
(01:22):
knew it was somewhere in the cards, but I never
got married, and I didn't think that not being married
precluded me from being a parent and being a good parent.
And with that backdrop, I decided to pursue IVF. And
for those who know the IVF process, the first stage
is harvesting your eggs and everyone will advise you who
(01:46):
has experienced this to do this preferably before you turn forty.
So at age thirty eight thirty nine, I went through
the IVF process and was able to get a good yield,
and to me, that gave me an insurance policy on
making decisions about my ability to start a family when
it was right for me. So that's how it started out.
(02:08):
I wasn't diagnosed with anything, and there's tons of women
that do have fertility issues, and let's be clear, there's
also tons of men who have fertility issues that often
women take the brunt of those complications and challenges. So no,
I did not have infertility issues, but I did choose
IVF as the appropriate way for my family plan.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And why for your choice of IVF, why, I'm just
curious not get pregnant the old fashioned way.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
So a couple of things one. I came up in
the South in a Baptist family, and I grew up
with both of my parents who are still married to
this day, and I had certain values and traditions in
my mind about what my family should look like, which
(03:00):
is why it took me so long to do this,
because I kept waiting for the ability to meet the
right person and that person didn't come along, and I
did not want to sacrifice my family unit with a
relationship with someone that was not a lifetime commitment such
as marriage. So I'm heterosexual and I date men, and
(03:24):
I wanted the man in my daughter's life, in my
children's lives to be their father and my husband, and
if that wasn't going to be the case, I did
not want to sacrifice or potentially bring in a co
parenting situation, which for some people it works. I just
didn't think that was going to work for me. So
(03:45):
it was kind of an all or nothing type of
scenario for myself. So I did decide to use an
anonymous donor, and for the benefit of my daughter, who
will be three in December, I did choose a donor
who will allow her once she's an adult, to make
the decision if she wants to reach.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Out to and the donor was receptive to that as well.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
The donor is receptive to that, although I do not.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Was that important to you?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
It was important to give my child my to be
child of that choice. Yes, that was very important to
me because I'm sure she will have questions questions that
I'm not sure I have all the answers to right now,
and it probably will not be articulated very well when
she does ask questions, but we'll figure it out together.
(04:34):
Like I said, she's almost three now, so she doesn't
have any questions. Mommy is her world and that's enough
right now, which is great. But yes, the anonymous donor
process is a process that is very well respected by
fertility specialists. There are several sperm banks that are available
on market where you can look at the health history
(04:56):
of the donor, you can see what his interests are,
you can pictures of him as a child, and you
can really craft and figure out what's right for you.
It is a very overwhelming process. I think it's even
more difficult than found in a spouse in the sense
that you really never have an opportunity to talk to
(05:17):
the person, so you're just reading their essays, you're listening
to their voice, you're looking through their health records and
really trying to make a determination. First, for me, it
was biological right. I'm a chemist by training, so I
do understand genetics to some degree, and making sure that
I was selecting the right pool of donors that was
(05:39):
right for my blood type. I wanted her to have
the same blood type as me. And there was a
lot of technical factors that went into screening donors. And
then I started looking at pictures, and then I started
looking at hobbies and athleticism and arts and things and
hobbies that they have and just to see if this
is someone that I think a would be a good
(06:00):
person and a decent human being and a contributor to society.
And secondly, if this is someone that I think my
daughter would be proud to call her donor if she
ever took the opportunity to.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
So when you say things like their hobbies and what
you know, things that you wanted your daughter to have,
I just wonder, because some of it I totally get
your point around wanting to know, you know, what kind
of person your donor is. I wonder some of it
sounds like a bit of like genetic engineering almost, you know,
like with the blood type. Yes, well, how much of
(06:35):
that was a consideration for you?
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, so there is a fine line for that. I
do know women who went through a donor search process
and they only went by looks, and that is not
that was not my first criteria. The reason for the
blood type, for example, is that if she ever needed
blood or bone marrow or anything like that, I want
(07:02):
it to be a resource for her. And the only
way to genetically ensure that is by selecting a donor
who also has the same blood type as I do.
So there's only the option of the offspring having the
donor I'm sorry, of the blood type that the two
parents have, the two pools of genes have. And so
that was a very practical piece. I mean, I'm also
(07:25):
a mother who saved my placenta instances because I think
that modern science will have advanced so much that when
she may need something, if she may need something, and
we can talk about that later in our conversation, because
she has had some health challenges, we are easily able
to find the resources for her, and I don't have
(07:47):
to track down this person who wants to remain anonymous.
So there were some very practical things, things like hair color,
eye color, hair texture, skin complexion. I did not care about.
I wanted a healthy baby, and doing this past the
age of forty five was my biggest thing. Yeah, and
(08:07):
everything else was just a decision on the periphery. The
hobbies was more of is this a well rounded person?
Is this someone who would be interesting to know? And
everything like that, because I do believe there are certain
things that are nature specific, and there are certain things
that are nurture specific. So I did look for someone
(08:29):
who had a wide variety of hobbies. This particular donor
happened to be a college athlete. I ran track in
high school, so we had that in common. This person
also had a strong academic record, and those records are
available with most sperm banks. And I also had a
strong academic background and record, And so I sort of
(08:52):
looked at this search as if I were looking for
a mate. These would be things I'd want to find
in a partner, right, So I try to mirror that
as much as I could. My daughter happens to look
just like my mother. She's very fair skinned with bright
blue eyes, and I have to say in public a
(09:13):
lot come with mommy, because I know everyone's wondering, and
that is something and everyone let's say she stops traffic
sometimes because people of all types stop and remark about
her eyes. Her eye color, they're very, very stark blue.
And that is a recessive gene that had to come
from both parents. So it's not about design, if you
(09:36):
understand genetics, it is the contribution of both parents that
really makes the child. So no matter what your donor has,
there's no guarantee that your offspring and your child is
going to have it. So you are rolling the dice
and there are things way deep in the gene pool
that can write Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If is very expensive. It costs between forty thousand and
sixty two thousand dollars. That's according to the clinic, the
CCIM Fertility Clinic. How if you don't mind me asking,
how did you pay for this? Did you'd use health
insurance or is this you said you did use health insurance?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
No, I did not, So when I did this, I'll
be fifty next month. So when I did this, I
was closer to thirty nine. So over ten years ago,
it was not a thing for insurance to pick up
the cost of any fertility treatments at that time, and
I'm not sure if I would have qualified either, because
(10:43):
I had not been diagnosed with any issues with fertility
per se. So one of the things that made it
affordable for me is the egg. I separated the egg
harvesting from the actual embryo fertilization and the actual transfer
of the embryo back into my body. So when you
(11:06):
split it up, it's a little easier to manage the
finances of it. So this was over ten years ago,
but my egg harvesting process cost a little over ten
thousand dollars at the time, and I was able and
their payment plans that most of these fertility clinics have,
they take credit cards, you know. I pieced it all together.
(11:29):
I am a Wall Street executive, so I did get
like year end bonuses and that did help fund my
specific first stage was which was the egg harvesting, and
then the egg stayed on ice for over you know,
five six years, and it wasn't until I was ready
to pull the trigger that another series of bills and
(11:52):
expenses came back. So that is a way that you
can think about making it a little more manageable if
you split it up in sections. But some families preferred
to do it all at one time. I did read
in my research that the most fertile time to harvest
your eggs is in your twenties. So I've already started
(12:14):
thinking about how to save for my daughter and giving
her that gift at age twenty five or so, of
that insurance of just knowing she has eggs on ice
if for some reason there are any problems when she
decides to start a family. So that is how I
managed it. But now there are FinTechs that support women's
(12:37):
health that have programs to help fund this. As you mentioned,
insurance companies now have it. Employers do have that as
an incentive to attract more female employees when they are
able to cover some, if not all, of the cost
of IVF, which is really special, spectacular, and I'm very
proud that our country has advanced enough, you know, to
(13:01):
take that consideration for women who need This.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Tells me a little more about saving the placenta, because
I've heard that, But to be honest with you, I
don't really know what that is, what it means to do.
I mean, I know the placenta is obviously, but I
don't understand the logic or science behind saving their placenta, I'll.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Try my best. So the placenta is the It is
the lifeline to the baby from the mother in uterow
so when you're pregnant, that's how the child is fed
through the placenta. So whatever you're eating, they're eating. Whatever
you're drinking, they're drinking. Which is why most people recommend
no caffeine, no alcohol, those types of things, because everything
(13:42):
that you're putting into your body, the baby has exposure to, right,
So that is where the first cells are developed and
are grown, and that is the lifeline to the baby.
So saving the placenta gives you access to stem cells
that are basically the building blocks of the rest of
(14:04):
the baby's body. So the stem cells are kind of
the first cells. And ultimately stem cells can be used
and manipulated to grow outside of the body if in
fact there is need for them. So for example, you
can take a stem cell and harvest it outside of
the body and create the cells you need to help
(14:27):
cure or help aid in the medicine for a person.
So the biggest thing I can think about are like,
if you need red blood cells or white blood cells,
if you have some deficiency in producing those from your
bone marrow, you can use and you can utilize stem
cells for that. So just look at them as the
(14:49):
building blocks of the rest of the human body, and
that science will allow us to manipulate them in a
way outside of the body to grow and develop to
help cure or help provide medicine additional assistance to help
with some diseases. So I can imagine someone with a
(15:11):
blood disorder could use their stem cells to create healthier
blood cells and they can be reinjected into the body.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Okay, and you mentioned your daughters having some health challenges sadly.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, So in late February, she woke up one day
and she couldn't walk, and she asked me to help
her walk, and she had been walking for over a
year at this point, and I took her to her pediatrician,
and I thought it was a balance issue with her ears.
(15:46):
She had had a lot of ear infections as a baby,
and we went to the pediatrician. She checked her ears
and we ended up having to put tubes in her
ears to help her ears drain properly so she wouldn't
get so many frequent infections. And the tubes looked fine,
so she looked at her gate and then she sent
(16:06):
us to a children's hospital nearby for X rays, and
the X rays came back normal. And that's when your
heart just dropped, because all of the easy answers have
now been in limited and now you're facing MRI staying
over in the er trying to figure out and diagnose
(16:26):
what is wrong with her. Come to find out, she
had a tumor the size of a tennis ball growing
on her spot and it ended up being cancer and
the pressure from the tumor was pressing on her spinal cord.
So our first issue was to relieve that pressure from
(16:48):
her spinal cord so that her spinal column wouldn't be compromised.
And the MRI, we showed the spinal column, you know,
kind of almost like a c and it was already
in denting, giving into the pressure of the tumor. If
they didn't remove the tumor, she would have been in
a wheelchair for the rest of her life. And thankfully
(17:09):
they had a very talented neurosurgeon and I will shout
out Nomor's Children's Hospital. We live in Delaware, and this
neurosurgeon removed the pressure, removed the tumor and it was
like true, Okay, great, So then the doctors have to
assess the tumor, see what it is and everything. And
it's a rare juvenile cancer called LH Langolnhearn's sell his
(17:32):
steels cytosis LSCH for short, is an overgrowth of white
blood cells and it's a very rare condition. So five
to six children out of a million get it a
year here in the United States. Thankfully, depending on where
it is, it's absolutely curable. And because it's not in
any of her vital organs, as scary as it sounds,
(17:54):
that is in her spine, and we also found it
in her lungs. It's not in her heart, not in
her kidney, is not in her liver or any vital
organs that would prevent us from getting to a complete
eradication of this disease from her body. So we have
been undergoing chemotherapy since March and it's been a long journey.
(18:15):
As a single parent is hard raising a kid, yes, period, yes,
and now dealing with a child who has a very
specific diagnosis, and it's so interesting. I'm a woman of faith,
so I believe God brought me to Delaware. I am
a COVID refugee from Manhattan. I was living in the city,
living in Harlem, Harlem till I die, lived there since
(18:39):
I graduated from undergrad and left because of the pandemic
and the density of the population in New York City,
and once I found out I was pregnant, I just
wanted more space for, you know, to cocoon, to grow
my baby healthy and not deal with the COVID craziness
that was going on during the pandemic. And it brought
(19:01):
me to Delaware. It was a close proximity to New York.
I have family here and then my parents are in Virginia,
so we were closer. And quite honestly, I'm a financial
services professional, so the tax code here is very amenable,
and the cost of living is a little cheaper than
New York. So for all those reasons, I said, this
is where I'm going to be, and come to find
(19:22):
out I needed to be here anyway because of the
diagnosis we would get several years later. She's doing great.
On Monday, we'll start round eleven. Wow, we're closer to
the end than the beginning. And my first question, and
I'm sure everyone who listens to this podcast will ask well,
did she get it because of IVF or did she
(19:44):
get it because of the donor? And I am very
very certain from speaking to genetics specialists that this is
kind of a random occurrence. This has nothing to do
with genetics. It has nothing to do with the quality
of the donor or the quality of my eggs. And
I'm very grateful for that, because as a mother, you're thinking,
could I have prevented this? Could I have done something
(20:06):
different and better? That's not the case at all. This
is just our walk, and our test is going to
be our testimony, because she's already showing interest in science
and math and playing doctor, and she talks about becoming
a doctor, and maybe that this whole experience sparks something
in her as an adult to want to be helpful
(20:29):
to people who suffer from such diseases, or to even be,
you know, a doctor who helps heal young children. But
in any event, I am able to talk about her
strength and her resiliency as a two year old. She
just turned two in December. We were diagnosed in early March,
(20:49):
and she didn't even have the language to describe what
was happening to her body. And I think that this
experience has pulled out of both of us strength and
a skill set that a lot of people never build,
you know, the muscle for to survive, but not just survive,
but to thrive. And in fact, I've been journaling our
(21:13):
whole health journey because I want her to know what
a fighter she is. And the irony is that I
used to call her my warrior or my warrior princess.
I didn't know what if I was having a boil girl.
So I was like, this is just my warrior, warrior princess.
Because I had this baby at forty seven, we already
(21:35):
beat the odds, you know, and then to now have
another chapter of our life where we're beating the odds again,
it's really remarkable.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah, and thank God that your daughter is doing well
in true black woman's spirit a fighter, so we continue
to lift you in her in prayer. So my producers
tell me that you're trying to have another baby, Is
that right?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yes, she and I talk about a sibling. I would
love to give her a little brother, and science allows
that to happen. So one thing about IVF that your
listeners should know is that there's a definite math equation
with IVF and it starts with the number of eggs
you're able to have harvested. I was fortunate enough to
(22:26):
have twenty plus eggs, you know, harvested. The highest quality
were kept. So that took my number from twenty four
to fourteen, and they were on ice for several years.
Once you decide on a donor or you have a
partner that you want to fertilize the eggs with, they
(22:49):
have to thaw out the eggs. There's always a chance
every egg won't make the thaw okay, So say you
go from fourteen to tep twelve and then you fertilize
the eggs and they may not so each step of
the process you may lose a few. And so once
(23:12):
I got done with my process, like I said, I
started with fourteen. They froze eight in one container and
six and another. So he said, how many do you
want to throw out? I said, let's do the eight.
So I had eight eggs. We lost one to thawing.
That left seven. We fertilized seven, and we lost two
(23:33):
after that, so now I'm down to five, and I said,
let's put two in because I would have loved to
have just gotten it all done in one pregnancy and
I did not. I only carried one child. Okay, I
don't know what happened to the other one. I can't
explain that scientific and neither could my doctor. So then
(23:53):
I now have two embryos left out of that original
eight eggs. So the math is very important to understand.
So for those who harvest three eggs, four eggs, five eggs,
anything single digits and you want more than one child,
I recommend that you do another round of harvesting. So
(24:14):
now I have six eggs left on ice. And the
sperm bank also allows you to report a live birth,
and that live birth gives you priority over the donor,
so that if you want another sperm sample, you get
top billing for that available sperm donor. Since you already
have a live child, you know, and you want to
(24:36):
have the kids be full biological siblings, so I have
that option as well. And then you can tell the
sex of a child by the fifth day. It's called
a zygot, and that's a fertilized egg. So it goes
from fertilized egg to a zygot, and there's a three
day and a five day. Three day, you don't know
the sex of the child. But by the fifth day
(24:59):
in the the heater whatever they're incubating them in, by
the fifth day, you can tell the sex of the child.
So I'm hoping that there's a boy in store for us,
because I'd like to have the experience of mothering a
daughter and a son. And I think London, which is
my daughter's name, will be an excellent big sister. I've
(25:19):
checked in with my obstetrician and I said, okay, no,
my age one of the chances, and he thinks I
still have two years left. So it is my hope
that and there's enough you know, medicine and hormones to
trick your UTERUSM think, and it's still twenty five years old,
which is a good thing. And then you have all
(25:40):
the hormone shots that you have to take, which isn't
the most pleasant piece of it. But I learned to
give myself my own shots. I learned to put myself
in a regimen, and I was very serious about it
because you're spending so much money, and not only are
you spending so much money, but you're spending so much
emotional capital in doing this that you you can't help
(26:02):
but take it seriously. So the goal is to get
London through chemo and have her ring the bell because
she's cancer free, and have that stress off of us
because stress isn't good for pregnancy, as you can probably imagine,
and then give it a shot and see what happened.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
So some of the risk of having babies in your
fifties include pre clemsy and as you know, just da
you know, diabetes and a topic pregnancy. Are you nervous
about any of those things or you just are.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Like not at all? Yeah? Yeah, so so, because here's
the thing, I went through all of that the first
time with my first pregnancy without any complications. It's just
like God said, it's your time. Yeah, And I think
we all can relate to a time in our lives
(26:53):
where everything just felt right. I had no stress. Remember
we were in the middle of cold so it was
quiet and calm. I was on my peloton every day,
you know, until they told me to stop working out,
which I got really annoyed about. And at the end
of the day, no preclams yet, no high blood pressure,
no complications. And with IVF children, there is a very
(27:18):
specific protocol of scans to making sure the baby is
growing in an appropriate range, making sure the heart is
developing appropriately, and there's all these kind of vital checks
that they do. And given my age also, I was
in the doctor office every month, every three weeks, doing
(27:38):
scans and making sure everything was okay. And every time,
every time, everything was fine. And I learned to stop worrying,
and I learned to just put my faith in the
process and in my God and that everything was going
to work out exactly as it should be. And going
through the IVF process is a humbling experience. It's one
(28:03):
that is I just can't overemphasize the emotional toll. So
what I did was I cleaned out my favorites list
in terms of who I let into the journey, into
the process. And we've all heard this term of dream
builders versus, you know, people who killed dreams. I had
(28:26):
dream builders around and that was my village. Who called,
who checked on me, who sent words of inspiration, who
just you know, came and like sat with me just
to watch some Netflix and eat peanut butter because that
was my big thing while I was pregnant, and all
that negative stuff that we all are exposed to. I
(28:47):
let it go. There are people I didn't speak to
for over a year, just because I did not want
that energy around me and my baby. So I really
did just cocon and I think that really helped in
terms of my stress levels, in terms of my ability
to carry safely, and also to just generate a healthy child.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, Janita,
and we're definitely happy that your baby girl is doing
well and wishing you all the best in your upcoming pregnancy.
We'll speak it into existence and we'll continue to lift
you and your family and prayer. I really thank you
for trusting across Generations with your story. Across Generations is
(29:30):
brought to you by Wolfpacker and Wolfpacker Media in partnership
with iHeart Podcast I'm Your Host and executive producer Tiffany
d Cross from Idea to Launch Productions Executive producer Carla
willmeris produced by Mandy Be and Angel Forte. Editing, sound
design and mixed by Gaza Forte. Original music by Epidemic Sound.
(29:51):
Video editing by Kathin Alexander and Courtney Deni
Welcome to a cross generations where the voices of Black
women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. We
gather a season elder myself as the middle generation, and
a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to
engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
We create magic Magic. Hi everybody, I'm Tiffany Cross, your
host of across Generations, and joining us today is Janita Mozelle.
She's a passionate advocate for women's health and a strong
voice in the conversation around IVF. Genita brings her personal
experience and deep insight into the challenges many people face today.
(00:50):
She will share her story and the impacts IVF has
had on her life and offer guidance to those as
she tells us about her personal experience. We hope you
enjoy her story.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Thank you so much for having me, and hopefully my
story inspires and educates women who are considering IVF. I
am a single mother by choice. I was a career
go getter, traveled a lot, lived in great places, and
really had not given a thought around family planning. Always
(01:22):
knew it was somewhere in the cards, but I never
got married, and I didn't think that not being married
precluded me from being a parent and being a good parent.
And with that backdrop, I decided to pursue IVF. And
for those who know the IVF process, the first stage
is harvesting your eggs and everyone will advise you who
(01:46):
has experienced this to do this preferably before you turn forty.
So at age thirty eight thirty nine, I went through
the IVF process and was able to get a good yield,
and to me, that gave me an insurance policy on
making decisions about my ability to start a family when
it was right for me. So that's how it started out.
(02:08):
I wasn't diagnosed with anything, and there's tons of women
that do have fertility issues, and let's be clear, there's
also tons of men who have fertility issues that often
women take the brunt of those complications and challenges. So no,
I did not have infertility issues, but I did choose
IVF as the appropriate way for my family plan.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And why for your choice of IVF, why, I'm just
curious not get pregnant the old fashioned way.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
So a couple of things one. I came up in
the South in a Baptist family, and I grew up
with both of my parents who are still married to
this day, and I had certain values and traditions in
my mind about what my family should look like, which
(03:00):
is why it took me so long to do this,
because I kept waiting for the ability to meet the
right person and that person didn't come along, and I
did not want to sacrifice my family unit with a
relationship with someone that was not a lifetime commitment such
as marriage. So I'm heterosexual and I date men, and
(03:24):
I wanted the man in my daughter's life, in my
children's lives to be their father and my husband, and
if that wasn't going to be the case, I did
not want to sacrifice or potentially bring in a co
parenting situation, which for some people it works. I just
didn't think that was going to work for me. So
(03:45):
it was kind of an all or nothing type of
scenario for myself. So I did decide to use an
anonymous donor, and for the benefit of my daughter, who
will be three in December, I did choose a donor
who will allow her once she's an adult, to make
the decision if she wants to reach.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Out to and the donor was receptive to that as well.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
The donor is receptive to that, although I do not.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Was that important to you?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
It was important to give my child my to be
child of that choice. Yes, that was very important to
me because I'm sure she will have questions questions that
I'm not sure I have all the answers to right now,
and it probably will not be articulated very well when
she does ask questions, but we'll figure it out together.
(04:34):
Like I said, she's almost three now, so she doesn't
have any questions. Mommy is her world and that's enough
right now, which is great. But yes, the anonymous donor
process is a process that is very well respected by
fertility specialists. There are several sperm banks that are available
on market where you can look at the health history
(04:56):
of the donor, you can see what his interests are,
you can pictures of him as a child, and you
can really craft and figure out what's right for you.
It is a very overwhelming process. I think it's even
more difficult than found in a spouse in the sense
that you really never have an opportunity to talk to
(05:17):
the person, so you're just reading their essays, you're listening
to their voice, you're looking through their health records and
really trying to make a determination. First, for me, it
was biological right. I'm a chemist by training, so I
do understand genetics to some degree, and making sure that
I was selecting the right pool of donors that was
(05:39):
right for my blood type. I wanted her to have
the same blood type as me. And there was a
lot of technical factors that went into screening donors. And
then I started looking at pictures, and then I started
looking at hobbies and athleticism and arts and things and
hobbies that they have and just to see if this
is someone that I think a would be a good
(06:00):
person and a decent human being and a contributor to society.
And secondly, if this is someone that I think my
daughter would be proud to call her donor if she
ever took the opportunity to.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
So when you say things like their hobbies and what
you know, things that you wanted your daughter to have,
I just wonder, because some of it I totally get
your point around wanting to know, you know, what kind
of person your donor is. I wonder some of it
sounds like a bit of like genetic engineering almost, you know,
like with the blood type. Yes, well, how much of
(06:35):
that was a consideration for you?
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, so there is a fine line for that. I
do know women who went through a donor search process
and they only went by looks, and that is not
that was not my first criteria. The reason for the
blood type, for example, is that if she ever needed
blood or bone marrow or anything like that, I want
(07:02):
it to be a resource for her. And the only
way to genetically ensure that is by selecting a donor
who also has the same blood type as I do.
So there's only the option of the offspring having the
donor I'm sorry, of the blood type that the two
parents have, the two pools of genes have. And so
that was a very practical piece. I mean, I'm also
(07:25):
a mother who saved my placenta instances because I think
that modern science will have advanced so much that when
she may need something, if she may need something, and
we can talk about that later in our conversation, because
she has had some health challenges, we are easily able
to find the resources for her, and I don't have
(07:47):
to track down this person who wants to remain anonymous.
So there were some very practical things, things like hair color,
eye color, hair texture, skin complexion. I did not care about.
I wanted a healthy baby, and doing this past the
age of forty five was my biggest thing. Yeah, and
(08:07):
everything else was just a decision on the periphery. The
hobbies was more of is this a well rounded person?
Is this someone who would be interesting to know? And
everything like that, because I do believe there are certain
things that are nature specific, and there are certain things
that are nurture specific. So I did look for someone
(08:29):
who had a wide variety of hobbies. This particular donor
happened to be a college athlete. I ran track in
high school, so we had that in common. This person
also had a strong academic record, and those records are
available with most sperm banks. And I also had a
strong academic background and record, And so I sort of
(08:52):
looked at this search as if I were looking for
a mate. These would be things I'd want to find
in a partner, right, So I try to mirror that
as much as I could. My daughter happens to look
just like my mother. She's very fair skinned with bright
blue eyes, and I have to say in public a
(09:13):
lot come with mommy, because I know everyone's wondering, and
that is something and everyone let's say she stops traffic
sometimes because people of all types stop and remark about
her eyes. Her eye color, they're very, very stark blue.
And that is a recessive gene that had to come
from both parents. So it's not about design, if you
(09:36):
understand genetics, it is the contribution of both parents that
really makes the child. So no matter what your donor has,
there's no guarantee that your offspring and your child is
going to have it. So you are rolling the dice
and there are things way deep in the gene pool
that can write Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
If is very expensive. It costs between forty thousand and
sixty two thousand dollars. That's according to the clinic, the
CCIM Fertility Clinic. How if you don't mind me asking,
how did you pay for this? Did you'd use health
insurance or is this you said you did use health insurance?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
No, I did not, So when I did this, I'll
be fifty next month. So when I did this, I
was closer to thirty nine. So over ten years ago,
it was not a thing for insurance to pick up
the cost of any fertility treatments at that time, and
I'm not sure if I would have qualified either, because
(10:43):
I had not been diagnosed with any issues with fertility
per se. So one of the things that made it
affordable for me is the egg. I separated the egg
harvesting from the actual embryo fertilization and the actual transfer
of the embryo back into my body. So when you
(11:06):
split it up, it's a little easier to manage the
finances of it. So this was over ten years ago,
but my egg harvesting process cost a little over ten
thousand dollars at the time, and I was able and
their payment plans that most of these fertility clinics have,
they take credit cards, you know. I pieced it all together.
(11:29):
I am a Wall Street executive, so I did get
like year end bonuses and that did help fund my
specific first stage was which was the egg harvesting, and
then the egg stayed on ice for over you know,
five six years, and it wasn't until I was ready
to pull the trigger that another series of bills and
(11:52):
expenses came back. So that is a way that you
can think about making it a little more manageable if
you split it up in sections. But some families preferred
to do it all at one time. I did read
in my research that the most fertile time to harvest
your eggs is in your twenties. So I've already started
(12:14):
thinking about how to save for my daughter and giving
her that gift at age twenty five or so, of
that insurance of just knowing she has eggs on ice
if for some reason there are any problems when she
decides to start a family. So that is how I
managed it. But now there are FinTechs that support women's
(12:37):
health that have programs to help fund this. As you mentioned,
insurance companies now have it. Employers do have that as
an incentive to attract more female employees when they are
able to cover some, if not all, of the cost
of IVF, which is really special, spectacular, and I'm very
proud that our country has advanced enough, you know, to
(13:01):
take that consideration for women who need This.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Tells me a little more about saving the placenta, because
I've heard that, But to be honest with you, I
don't really know what that is, what it means to do.
I mean, I know the placenta is obviously, but I
don't understand the logic or science behind saving their placenta, I'll.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Try my best. So the placenta is the It is
the lifeline to the baby from the mother in uterow
so when you're pregnant, that's how the child is fed
through the placenta. So whatever you're eating, they're eating. Whatever
you're drinking, they're drinking. Which is why most people recommend
no caffeine, no alcohol, those types of things, because everything
(13:42):
that you're putting into your body, the baby has exposure to, right,
So that is where the first cells are developed and
are grown, and that is the lifeline to the baby.
So saving the placenta gives you access to stem cells
that are basically the building blocks of the rest of
(14:04):
the baby's body. So the stem cells are kind of
the first cells. And ultimately stem cells can be used
and manipulated to grow outside of the body if in
fact there is need for them. So for example, you
can take a stem cell and harvest it outside of
the body and create the cells you need to help
(14:27):
cure or help aid in the medicine for a person.
So the biggest thing I can think about are like,
if you need red blood cells or white blood cells,
if you have some deficiency in producing those from your
bone marrow, you can use and you can utilize stem
cells for that. So just look at them as the
(14:49):
building blocks of the rest of the human body, and
that science will allow us to manipulate them in a
way outside of the body to grow and develop to
help cure or help provide medicine additional assistance to help
with some diseases. So I can imagine someone with a
(15:11):
blood disorder could use their stem cells to create healthier
blood cells and they can be reinjected into the body.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Okay, and you mentioned your daughters having some health challenges sadly.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, So in late February, she woke up one day
and she couldn't walk, and she asked me to help
her walk, and she had been walking for over a
year at this point, and I took her to her pediatrician,
and I thought it was a balance issue with her ears.
(15:46):
She had had a lot of ear infections as a baby,
and we went to the pediatrician. She checked her ears
and we ended up having to put tubes in her
ears to help her ears drain properly so she wouldn't
get so many frequent infections. And the tubes looked fine,
so she looked at her gate and then she sent
(16:06):
us to a children's hospital nearby for X rays, and
the X rays came back normal. And that's when your
heart just dropped, because all of the easy answers have
now been in limited and now you're facing MRI staying
over in the er trying to figure out and diagnose
(16:26):
what is wrong with her. Come to find out, she
had a tumor the size of a tennis ball growing
on her spot and it ended up being cancer and
the pressure from the tumor was pressing on her spinal cord.
So our first issue was to relieve that pressure from
(16:48):
her spinal cord so that her spinal column wouldn't be compromised.
And the MRI, we showed the spinal column, you know,
kind of almost like a c and it was already
in denting, giving into the pressure of the tumor. If
they didn't remove the tumor, she would have been in
a wheelchair for the rest of her life. And thankfully
(17:09):
they had a very talented neurosurgeon and I will shout
out Nomor's Children's Hospital. We live in Delaware, and this
neurosurgeon removed the pressure, removed the tumor and it was
like true, Okay, great, So then the doctors have to
assess the tumor, see what it is and everything. And
it's a rare juvenile cancer called LH Langolnhearn's sell his
(17:32):
steels cytosis LSCH for short, is an overgrowth of white
blood cells and it's a very rare condition. So five
to six children out of a million get it a
year here in the United States. Thankfully, depending on where
it is, it's absolutely curable. And because it's not in
any of her vital organs, as scary as it sounds,
(17:54):
that is in her spine, and we also found it
in her lungs. It's not in her heart, not in
her kidney, is not in her liver or any vital
organs that would prevent us from getting to a complete
eradication of this disease from her body. So we have
been undergoing chemotherapy since March and it's been a long journey.
(18:15):
As a single parent is hard raising a kid, yes, period, yes,
and now dealing with a child who has a very
specific diagnosis, and it's so interesting. I'm a woman of faith,
so I believe God brought me to Delaware. I am
a COVID refugee from Manhattan. I was living in the city,
living in Harlem, Harlem till I die, lived there since
(18:39):
I graduated from undergrad and left because of the pandemic
and the density of the population in New York City,
and once I found out I was pregnant, I just
wanted more space for, you know, to cocoon, to grow
my baby healthy and not deal with the COVID craziness
that was going on during the pandemic. And it brought
(19:01):
me to Delaware. It was a close proximity to New York.
I have family here and then my parents are in Virginia,
so we were closer. And quite honestly, I'm a financial
services professional, so the tax code here is very amenable,
and the cost of living is a little cheaper than
New York. So for all those reasons, I said, this
is where I'm going to be, and come to find
(19:22):
out I needed to be here anyway because of the
diagnosis we would get several years later. She's doing great.
On Monday, we'll start round eleven. Wow, we're closer to
the end than the beginning. And my first question, and
I'm sure everyone who listens to this podcast will ask well,
did she get it because of IVF or did she
(19:44):
get it because of the donor? And I am very
very certain from speaking to genetics specialists that this is
kind of a random occurrence. This has nothing to do
with genetics. It has nothing to do with the quality
of the donor or the quality of my eggs. And
I'm very grateful for that, because as a mother, you're thinking,
could I have prevented this? Could I have done something
(20:06):
different and better? That's not the case at all. This
is just our walk, and our test is going to
be our testimony, because she's already showing interest in science
and math and playing doctor, and she talks about becoming
a doctor, and maybe that this whole experience sparks something
in her as an adult to want to be helpful
(20:29):
to people who suffer from such diseases, or to even be,
you know, a doctor who helps heal young children. But
in any event, I am able to talk about her
strength and her resiliency as a two year old. She
just turned two in December. We were diagnosed in early March,
(20:49):
and she didn't even have the language to describe what
was happening to her body. And I think that this
experience has pulled out of both of us strength and
a skill set that a lot of people never build,
you know, the muscle for to survive, but not just survive,
but to thrive. And in fact, I've been journaling our
(21:13):
whole health journey because I want her to know what
a fighter she is. And the irony is that I
used to call her my warrior or my warrior princess.
I didn't know what if I was having a boil girl.
So I was like, this is just my warrior, warrior princess.
Because I had this baby at forty seven, we already
(21:35):
beat the odds, you know, and then to now have
another chapter of our life where we're beating the odds again,
it's really remarkable.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Yeah, and thank God that your daughter is doing well
in true black woman's spirit a fighter, so we continue
to lift you in her in prayer. So my producers
tell me that you're trying to have another baby, Is
that right?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yes, she and I talk about a sibling. I would
love to give her a little brother, and science allows
that to happen. So one thing about IVF that your
listeners should know is that there's a definite math equation
with IVF and it starts with the number of eggs
you're able to have harvested. I was fortunate enough to
(22:26):
have twenty plus eggs, you know, harvested. The highest quality
were kept. So that took my number from twenty four
to fourteen, and they were on ice for several years.
Once you decide on a donor or you have a
partner that you want to fertilize the eggs with, they
(22:49):
have to thaw out the eggs. There's always a chance
every egg won't make the thaw okay, So say you
go from fourteen to tep twelve and then you fertilize
the eggs and they may not so each step of
the process you may lose a few. And so once
(23:12):
I got done with my process, like I said, I
started with fourteen. They froze eight in one container and
six and another. So he said, how many do you
want to throw out? I said, let's do the eight.
So I had eight eggs. We lost one to thawing.
That left seven. We fertilized seven, and we lost two
(23:33):
after that, so now I'm down to five, and I said,
let's put two in because I would have loved to
have just gotten it all done in one pregnancy and
I did not. I only carried one child. Okay, I
don't know what happened to the other one. I can't
explain that scientific and neither could my doctor. So then
(23:53):
I now have two embryos left out of that original
eight eggs. So the math is very important to understand.
So for those who harvest three eggs, four eggs, five eggs,
anything single digits and you want more than one child,
I recommend that you do another round of harvesting. So
(24:14):
now I have six eggs left on ice. And the
sperm bank also allows you to report a live birth,
and that live birth gives you priority over the donor,
so that if you want another sperm sample, you get
top billing for that available sperm donor. Since you already
have a live child, you know, and you want to
(24:36):
have the kids be full biological siblings, so I have
that option as well. And then you can tell the
sex of a child by the fifth day. It's called
a zygot, and that's a fertilized egg. So it goes
from fertilized egg to a zygot, and there's a three
day and a five day. Three day, you don't know
the sex of the child. But by the fifth day
(24:59):
in the the heater whatever they're incubating them in, by
the fifth day, you can tell the sex of the child.
So I'm hoping that there's a boy in store for us,
because I'd like to have the experience of mothering a
daughter and a son. And I think London, which is
my daughter's name, will be an excellent big sister. I've
(25:19):
checked in with my obstetrician and I said, okay, no,
my age one of the chances, and he thinks I
still have two years left. So it is my hope
that and there's enough you know, medicine and hormones to
trick your UTERUSM think, and it's still twenty five years old,
which is a good thing. And then you have all
(25:40):
the hormone shots that you have to take, which isn't
the most pleasant piece of it. But I learned to
give myself my own shots. I learned to put myself
in a regimen, and I was very serious about it
because you're spending so much money, and not only are
you spending so much money, but you're spending so much
emotional capital in doing this that you you can't help
(26:02):
but take it seriously. So the goal is to get
London through chemo and have her ring the bell because
she's cancer free, and have that stress off of us
because stress isn't good for pregnancy, as you can probably imagine,
and then give it a shot and see what happened.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
So some of the risk of having babies in your
fifties include pre clemsy and as you know, just da
you know, diabetes and a topic pregnancy. Are you nervous
about any of those things or you just are.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Like not at all? Yeah? Yeah, so so, because here's
the thing, I went through all of that the first
time with my first pregnancy without any complications. It's just
like God said, it's your time. Yeah, And I think
we all can relate to a time in our lives
(26:53):
where everything just felt right. I had no stress. Remember
we were in the middle of cold so it was
quiet and calm. I was on my peloton every day,
you know, until they told me to stop working out,
which I got really annoyed about. And at the end
of the day, no preclams yet, no high blood pressure,
no complications. And with IVF children, there is a very
(27:18):
specific protocol of scans to making sure the baby is
growing in an appropriate range, making sure the heart is
developing appropriately, and there's all these kind of vital checks
that they do. And given my age also, I was
in the doctor office every month, every three weeks, doing
(27:38):
scans and making sure everything was okay. And every time,
every time, everything was fine. And I learned to stop worrying,
and I learned to just put my faith in the
process and in my God and that everything was going
to work out exactly as it should be. And going
through the IVF process is a humbling experience. It's one
(28:03):
that is I just can't overemphasize the emotional toll. So
what I did was I cleaned out my favorites list
in terms of who I let into the journey, into
the process. And we've all heard this term of dream
builders versus, you know, people who killed dreams. I had
(28:26):
dream builders around and that was my village. Who called,
who checked on me, who sent words of inspiration, who
just you know, came and like sat with me just
to watch some Netflix and eat peanut butter because that
was my big thing while I was pregnant, and all
that negative stuff that we all are exposed to. I
(28:47):
let it go. There are people I didn't speak to
for over a year, just because I did not want
that energy around me and my baby. So I really
did just cocon and I think that really helped in
terms of my stress levels, in terms of my ability
to carry safely, and also to just generate a healthy child.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, Janita,
and we're definitely happy that your baby girl is doing
well and wishing you all the best in your upcoming pregnancy.
We'll speak it into existence and we'll continue to lift
you and your family and prayer. I really thank you
for trusting across Generations with your story. Across Generations is
(29:30):
brought to you by Wolfpacker and Wolfpacker Media in partnership
with iHeart Podcast I'm Your Host and executive producer Tiffany
d Cross from Idea to Launch Productions Executive producer Carla
willmeris produced by Mandy Be and Angel Forte. Editing, sound
design and mixed by Gaza Forte. Original music by Epidemic Sound.
(29:51):
Video editing by Kathin Alexander and Courtney Deni
Host
Tiffany Cross
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