October 22, 2024 • 48 mins
What happens when the resilience of foster youth meets the power of advocacy? Join us as we engage in a powerful conversation with Tyese Styles, a remarkable entrepreneur and champion for foster youth, who shares her compelling journey from a turbulent childhood to finding stability and purpose. Tyese opens up about her experience of being removed from her home due to abuse at age nine and navigating multiple foster homes, which included facing further mistreatment. Her life took a turn for the better at age 13 when she found a nurturing environment with a foster mother, shining a light on the critical need for compassionate support within the foster care system.
Our discussion extends beyond personal narratives to examine the systemic issues many foster children encounter, particularly focusing on the experiences of Black youth. We highlight the inspiring story of 21 year old Tawanna Brown, whose involvement with the New Jersey Youth Council transformed her life, turning past struggles into a platform for empowerment. Despite the challenges and lack of resources in the child welfare system, the support of dedicated CASA volunteers and her relentless spirit guided her toward becoming a youth council coach. Together, we reflect on the societal changes needed to better support vulnerable children and question the role of various advocates in these efforts.
This heartfelt episode is not just about survival but also about healing and finding one's purpose amidst adversity. We explore themes of overcoming trauma, forgiveness, and the enduring strength found in sibling relationships despite separations caused by foster care and adoption. As we recount personal stories, we underscore the importance of therapy, mentorship, and self-care in building resilience and reclaiming one's narrative. From personal reconciliation to professional aspirations, listeners are invited to celebrate the triumphs of those who rise above their circumstances and advocate for systemic change in the foster care landscape.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite.
I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Tiffany, we gather
a season elder myself as the middle generation and a
vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to engage
or hear perfections that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
We create magic, Create magic. Hi everybody, I'm Tiffany Cross,
and welcome to another episode of Across Generations. And today
we're talking about foster care. Now, as of the year
twenty twenty one, there were nearly ninety thousand Black children
in foster care. And while we know this is an
(00:48):
institution that impacts every child, I did want to highlight
the black children in foster care because of so many
issues surrounding black children being adopted and how black children
end up in foster care. So this is a serious
conversation and I'm so happy to be joined by Tay Styles.
She's a dynamic entrepreneur, speaker, and fierce advocate for foster youth.
(01:10):
She is also an activist and has been part of
enacting change within the New Jersey legislature. A powerful platform,
empowering others to overcome adversity and find their own path
to success. Now her story is one of resilience and triumph,
making her a vital voice in this conversation about the
realities of growing up in foster care and the strength
it takes to rise above. I do want to say also,
(01:34):
she is a close friend of mine. We've worked together
and for what now, I think over twenty year?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Twenty years, yes, so.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
A long time.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And we also have joining us Tawana Brown. She's a
recent graduate of Seaton Hall University with a degree in
political science and Africana studies at twenty one years old.
My kind of girl. She's passionate about her role in
advocating for children impacted by the child welfare system. Since
the age of fifteen, she's been using her lived expertise
to empower and educate. She's also an activist and has
(02:03):
been a part of enacting change as well within the
New Jersey legislature regarding the Sibling Bill of Rights. So
let's get right into it with these ladies. Thank you
both for being here.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Tis.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I'm embarrassed to say, as long as we've known each other,
I don't actually know your story.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
So why don't you start by telling us your story?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Okay, well, shoot, nineteen seventy seven.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
How old are you nine nine at that time?
Speaker 4 (02:30):
And what happened was I got beat up in the house,
right my stepfather beat me. I don't remember all of
the details because you know, your mind protects you, so
you forget some things. But I do remember having to
go to the hospitals, to Presbyterian Hospital. So we walked
over the bridge from the Bronx to Manhattan. We went
(02:51):
to the hospital and they started examining me and then
started asking questions. He didn't want to answer the questions,
so they snatched me out of him, and my mother
snatched me out of the hospital and we started walking
back home. As we're walking over the bridge, he said,
if I had insurance on you, I would throw you over.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
You do remember that.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
I remember that because that's the first time I prayed.
So we walked back to the house.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
What did I prayed?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
God, please send someone to get me. So we got
back to the apartment. I went to my room. I
was scared because I was like, I know, he's getting
ready to, you know, come for me. About ten minutes later,
somebody knocked on the door. An advocate from the hospital
knocked on the door and said, you know, I'm here
to check on Tay's and she understood that I was afraid.
(03:41):
She took me out of her house, took me back
to the hospital. I lived in the hospital for about
two weeks. I did school, you know, they had schoolwork,
and I lived there for two weeks and went into
forster care. From then I aged out at eighteen, so
I went to different foster homes, Like, yeah, I lived
in Brooklyn, I lived in Queens, I lived in Long Island.
(04:01):
I lived everywhere. And when you pack up, they don't
even tell you why you're leaving. It's just time to go,
you know. So I always had a bag. I always
had a plastic bag, and wherever I went, that was
the next place. And it wasn't even like the foster
homes were any better, because some forest of homes abused
me just the same. I had one for some mother
(04:23):
who she ran a bath.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Well.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
First of all, my room was outside of the apartment,
like so you could go up it was like a
brown sung So you go up the stairs and there's
a door to get into the apartment. But there was
also an outside room. I guess they made it into
a bedroom, but it was outside of the apartment, you understand,
like so they could lock their doors. And I'm just
in the in the stairway basically. And so she ran
(04:47):
a bathroom. I thought it was for me. So I
get in the bath, take a bath. I get out
of the bath. She goes in and said what happened
to the water, And I said, oh, I thought you
ran a bath for me, And so she threw something
at me because I took a bath.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
You see. So I mean I could have experienced.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
That at home. It's like, why I'm yea here experiencing that.
Then I had another foster father of family, but the
father sexually abused me, me and his own daughter. So
you know, some some things it's just like you stay home,
you get abused, You go out, you get abused. Every
(05:27):
foster family I've been with abused me in some kind
of way, except my last forster mom. It was just
her and me and a few other foster kids. And
that's why I say I'm from Queen's Miss Jones. I
was the first like stable household I was in, and
I got there at thirteen, And that's where I aged
(05:48):
out from.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
I was there from thirteen to eighteen.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So for five years you have stability.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Yeah she was strict, but I craved structure, of course. Yeah,
so her being strict for me, I was like, this
is what it's supposed to feel like. So I didn't
buck back on that. I mean I did teenage things,
you know, like turning my clock back when I'm supposed
to be on eleven, I turned it back to ten
and be like, oh no, my wife says, she said
this clock says E let you know what I mean. So,
(06:14):
but but I craved structure, so for me, that was good.
I always loved school. I always was, you know, into
my books and stuff like that, and her making me
do that wasn't was something I wished I had anyway.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So I feel ashamed that I never knew this story
about you. The only way I found out that you
grew up in the foster care system is because the
concept for this show I was telling Tays is, you know,
you know how we were young and you sit around
your grandmother's table, and I want to bring that sentiment
back and when you're little and you know, have this
(06:49):
elder woman taking care of you and your aunt's come
over and Ty said to me, why I grew.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Up in foster care, so no about that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
It was my first time hearing that. And I'm so
grateful to you for hearing your story here. And I'm
also I've always loved you and always been impressed with you,
but now knowing all of this, because you have such
a an infectious spirit of giving and kindness, and we
were just with your grandbaby. He's in Atlanta, and so
(07:17):
I'm just so impressed that you survived that and that
God answered your prayers and delivered you from a situation
where you were being hurt. I want to bring you
in the conversation before our boohoo cry over here with
science because that is just a heartbreaking story. And I'm
thinking about the nearly ninety thousand black children, but the
hundreds of thousands of innocent children who could be facing
(07:41):
similar circumstances.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So tell me your story.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
So my story. I've always had child protective services.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
In my life from the time that I can remember
for my siblings, and I was always like kind of
like the norm that somebody who's gonna check in, how
are you doing? And then you get the whole run
down you're fine, nothing happened to you.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
You fel you hit your head. But that started to
become like continuous.
Speaker 6 (08:03):
And it wasn't until my father moved us away from
our family. And at this time, I was about nine
years old, and he moved us about like forty five
minutes away from all of our family and everything, and
that's when the abuse just got very It was consistent,
like almost every day, and it became worse, and it
got to the point where it was like every day.
(08:23):
It was like we didn't know if that was going
to be our last. And as children, I was confused.
But I also have four younger siblings, so they looked
at me as almost like their parental figure. But as
a nine year old girl, I don't even know what
to do myself. So I found myself like kind of
running away to school as my safety net. I used
to try to get involved in everything, so whether it
(08:44):
was dance, cheerleading, if it was bothering the teachers all
hours of the day, because I was running away from
being home. But it got to the point where my
father just became very aggressive, and it was one of
those things where you didn't know if it was going
to be a great day.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
You didn't know if it was.
Speaker 6 (08:59):
Like going to be okay day or if it was
just going to be really bad. So I would say
the last couple of months that I was with my
biological parents, it was the beatings were extremely bad, physical beatings, mental, emotional.
I also experienced molestation growing up, so it was just
a lot of things that I was trying to run
(09:20):
away from but also trying to seek help, but I
didn't know where to go. I didn't know what that
outlook was. So I blamed my biological mother a lot
because I just couldn't understand, like, as a mother, how
could you allow your children to.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Be put through so much harm?
Speaker 6 (09:33):
And it was one of those things where one day
I just made the phone call. I called nine one one,
and I remember being in the closet and I remember
just crying and crying and crying, and my sisters locked
the doors so that way my parents didn't get in.
And I called and I was like, you guys need
to come to the house. He's beating us. He's beating us.
And then that same day the phone core line got
(09:55):
cut and from there they sent out investigators. They came
to the house, but at this point, we had another
of open cases, so it was to the point where
they did their check, they looked around and they were like, Okay,
everything is fine. So at that point I was I
just felt hopeless because I'm like, how many times do
I have to call or does a teacher have to
report that they've seen a bruise or that something is
(10:15):
not right with these children before somebody actually steps in.
So that's where a lot of my resentment for the
child welfare system started to come in later too, but
it wasn't to the point where I just was very persistent,
And I will never forget the day that I called
my grandmother and I was just like.
Speaker 5 (10:33):
Hey, can you pick up me and the girls? We
just want to come over and sleep over.
Speaker 6 (10:36):
But my father never wanted us to sleep over at
anyone's house because he had no control of us, what
we would say, what we would do. And this day
I remember getting my grandmother's car and just telling her
to drive, drive and crying and crying, crying. My younger
siblings are looking confused, and especially the youngest one because
she's the closest to our mother and she doesn't know
(10:57):
what that aspect is like, She's not understanding right from wrong.
Only way that we learned that what we're going through
is wrong because I would go to school and I'm like,
your parents don't beat you, You're not going through this.
So it was one of those things where I was
like just drive and I just remember just telling her
everything and like crying to her, and she was just like,
you guys are not leaving.
Speaker 5 (11:17):
So from there, they opened up a case in a
state of New Jersey. They opened up a case.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
They started doing investigations and everything, and it was just
so much for them to like unpack that. It was like,
there's no way that we're giving you back to your
biological parents. But at the time, it was five of
us entering the child welfare system, so it was unheard
of for siblings to stay together.
Speaker 5 (11:38):
It is usually two.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Siblings in this foster home, two siblings in this home,
and one maybe independent living. And that was something that
I just fought tooth and nail that I wanted to
stay with my siblings because I did not know life
without them. I looked at them like they were my children,
even though I was a kid myself. So it was
something that I fought my social workers on. I fought
(11:59):
my kids workers on but I had this one cost
a worker and I love her today. Marla Jiga bought
them and their entire team. Where I sat down and
for the first time somebody asked me like who I was,
or what I wanted to be, or where I saw myself,
So regardless of all the traumas that I had endured,
and I was trying to come to terms with and
all the aspects of violation because when they do an investigation,
(12:23):
you also got to be examined by random people. You
have no clothes on, You're stripped of all sense of identity,
and sometimes I feel like the foster care system also
dehumanizes young people even more so you're coming from a
traumatic situation just to be re traumatized again, and that
aspect of it.
Speaker 5 (12:40):
I was like, if I'm going to go through it,
I'm going to go through with my siblings.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
And that plays a huge part and why I was
a part of the drafting and creating the Sibling Bill
of Rights in New Jersey, because I feel like that
shouldn't be something that somebody's fighting for, it should be
a right course. So that led me into the foster
care system and then within the system. I was very
active in going to the courts. I was the young
(13:03):
person that they always said, you talk too much, you
run your mouth too much. But I was like, you
know what, I'm going to use it for good. I'm
going to go to the courthouse and tell them what
I want and what's going on.
Speaker 5 (13:11):
So I was very vocal.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
I testified in my case, had to testify against my
parents who were testifying against me at twelve years old,
so it was just unheard of territory that I was
like continuously embarking on and my younger siblings looked to
me to be the voice for us. So essentially, I
will say that worked in a positive for me because
I was able to find my voice. So from there,
(13:33):
I joined the New Jersey Youth Council. I was a
Youth Council member for two years. I became a Youth
Council coach. Aside from that, I started doing full time
advocacy work. So I just started sharing my story. I
started leading youth groups, empowering young people because I feel
like the biggest thing that I missed throughout being in
care and going through all the things, and that lack
of stability or normalcy was just understanding that I'm a
(13:57):
person and that I'm not a product of the child
welfare system, that I'm not another statistic that everybody that
said I couldn't and I wouldn't, that I was going
to do just that. So that was something that empowered me.
But it's also because I had great people in my life,
and not necessarily my social workers. Unfortunately, it was my
cost of workers that stepped up and took that position.
(14:18):
So I did all the things. We ended up getting adopted.
I ended up experiencing a feled adoption because I ended
up going back into the system and I recently aged
out in January of this year, so I did a
few years of independent living.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
So I've experienced.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
A lot a lot work that is.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
So that's a court appointed advocate, that is a volunteer.
So they're in a lot of states. Some states may
call them a gl but in New Jersey they're called
costa workers, well, costa volunteers. So for me, it was
my cost of volunteers because they always stuck around. So
even the time where my case closed, my cost of
volunteer was the one that moved me into college, that
(15:00):
bought me my lset books when I graduated college, I
just actually went to Dinnerware not too long ago. So
she's always the one that's just been encouraging me and
empowering me to kind of take ownership of my life
and my story and not just stay fixated on all
the things that went wrong, but what I could do
with that.
Speaker 5 (15:18):
So I really used.
Speaker 6 (15:20):
My platform of advocacy to empower young people, because sometimes
it's not even about what I necessarily been through. It's
about what I've been through and how I could use
that to help you or empower you.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
So that's been good.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
What happened with the failed adoption, So.
Speaker 6 (15:39):
That was just an instance of just the lack of resources,
And it wasn't in an instance where it was like
myself and the person that adopted me weren't getting along.
It was just one of those things where there weren't
enough resources. And they don't talk about that enough within
the child welfare system of how sometimes where either you're
a foster you or you could be a kenship you,
(16:00):
or even transition into adoption, that there's not a lot
of services or supports after the fact. And it was
one of those things where I just wasn't getting along
with everybody that was necessarily in the house, and I
was doing all the things as a teenager, I was
running away. Still found myself running, but I was no
longer going through like physical abuse, but I was battling
a lot mentally and emotionally. So I took it upon
(16:21):
myself to kind of just take a leap of faith.
I called one of my old case workers and actually,
what were my options? And that's when she told me
about independent living. But in order to do that, I
had to go back into the system, so they had
to reopen my case. So essentially I still ended up
aging out even though I was adopted at the age
(16:42):
of sixteen.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Wow, and your siblings are you're twenty one? Yes, and
your siblings very young, younger than where are they now?
Speaker 6 (16:49):
They're all in the care of myternal grandmother. Yeah, okay,
so they're okay, Yeah, they're all okay, they're they're fine.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Thanks thanks to big Sisters, they're making that all. I
just want to far bring you back, Tys. I just
want to say to people watching at home, if you
are experiencing abuse, physical abuse, if someone's sexually abusing you
tell until until until until someone believes you. If you
tell one person and they don't, then tells keep telling.
(17:19):
They're no good comes from a secret. If someone's telling
you to keep it a secret, they do.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
Not mean you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Well, you tell everybody until somebody believes you. And bravo
to you for being consistent and taking an agency over
your own life that far block, far before you should
have had to.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Tys, you're fifty.
Speaker 7 (17:35):
Seven, fifty fifty six, fifty six, so you're fifty six
and you're hearing her, you know, who's decades younger than you,
and she's going through a lot of the same things
you went through, and it just makes me say, what
will have to happen for the system to change?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
What will have to happen.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
We're in a conversation right now in this country around
a group of people who call themselves pro life, and
I wonder how many of these pro life people have
adopted I wonder how many people of these in this
pro life group or right wing conservatives have advocated for children?
(18:19):
Who how many how involved are they when it comes
to child welfare? So I hear this and I'm just
outraged at this wealthy country and we leave people like
you behind when you were young, and people like this
young genius who's talking to me about the LST and
it's twenty one behind and you, despite everything, have built
this career, the successful career as an entrepreneur. What do
(18:41):
you think when you hear her story?
Speaker 4 (18:44):
First of all, congratulations because you've accomplished a lot in
such a young age. I age out at eighteen. You know,
if I would have had till twenty one, you know,
it just would have been.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Well a.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
I aged out of eighteenth during the time where it
was just like okay, see ya, you know, but thank
god I had something lined up. I went to the
FBI straight from from high school because I had to
right where was I.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Going to go?
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I had to make a thing and nobody. My sister
was adopted, but I was left and forster care. So
you know, she passed well. When I ate I could
have stayed with her, she probably would have let me
stay with her, but I was being I'm grown, I
got my job. I'm out of here. You know, I
don't have to listen to rules and stuff. She's passed
(19:40):
away now, and that's what I called my mom. My
biological mom passed away about ten years ago, and I
was able to you know.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Did you talk to her, I healed.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
I didn't hold any kind of resentment or because my
thing was why am I angry with someone that doesn't
even care that I'm angry? Why hold that? Why walk
around with that? They didn't They didn't care myself father,
he didn't care that was angry.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Everything was my fault. You know, I'm the reason why
the family wasn't together.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Did she ever try to defend you and protect you
from him?
Speaker 3 (20:14):
No, because she was abused too, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
And then when I did mention to her, like mom,
we got to talk about this, like one time we
was on the phone. I was like, I remember, you know,
I grew up and forced to care like we can't.
You know, I have scars on my bikey that showed
that proves that I was beaten, you know, with extension cords.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
And she said, nothing ever happened. They brainwashed you.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
I said, okay, So then I knew that conversation couldn't
be had. You know, it was nothing else to talk about.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
So you did?
Speaker 5 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 3 (20:43):
You you saved yourself and your sister, So kudos to
you for that, you.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Know, saved yourself.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I did.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
I wish that I could have had my sister with me.
I wish you know.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
But the good thing is that her foster mom and
my forced mine allowed us to communicate, because sometimes that
doesn't happen. And then she was adopted and her adoptive
mom allowed us to communicate. How old she I'm fifty six,
story right, she's forty forty.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
Six, Okay, so she was ten years younger than you
experienced the abuse, and.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
You know, talking to her, just talking to her by
some of the things that I feel like hers was
worse than mine. Really, Why the things that she would
tell me that happened.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
To her by your stepdad.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
No, he never hit her, that was his daughter, Okay,
But when they can't take one child and not take that.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
This is so I went to fort care.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
The first time we had to go to court, I
testified whatever, and then later on they asked you do
you want to go back and I was like, I
want to go back home.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Mom.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Right A year later I was we were back and
forth to care like but about a year and a half,
two years later we were back in forthcre and that
was it, right, And then when we got in forcet
the care, they would visit her and not visit me.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Cause we were on two different days.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
So Tuesday I would go to therapy and this is
that when I was supposed to have a visit from
my mom at least my mother, and they wouldn't come
see me, but Wednesday they would go see my sister.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
So it was that and then they just stopped going
and they lost their parental rights, and then she was
able to get adopted and I stayed in foster care
bouncing around.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Can I ask you, I'm so baffled by this story
because you are so giving and loving, you know, and
it just hurts my heart to.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Hear this story, It really does.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
It breaks my heart how you said you went through that,
and I'm just curious how you journey through.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Because I'm like, I didn't go through it, and I'm
like tearing up for you.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
I promise you.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
I at a young age, I read the Bible front
the cover, I mean the front the back. I read
the Bible every day and I felt like from the
first time I said my prayer that God got me.
And so some of the things I went through, I'm like, Okay,
I could deal with this right because it's not that
(23:10):
So even when I was being sexually abused in that
fluster care, in that in that house in Brooklyn.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
He was a bus driver, a bus driver and he
was doing it to his own daughter. I could hear it.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
And how old were you?
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Eleven?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Maybe this is like my heart is breaking because.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Like Titans is like the you know, even you, like
I wouldn't have this conversation with you and think that
you all went through anything like this, and it is
I'm thinking of like the kidsour and.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
So going through it, they're going through it.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
It is heartbreaking and I just I'm so angry around
the conversations we're having in this country and I'm you
all survived despite everything, and I'm the one in tears
and you all like we did, You're only went through.
But I'm just thinking there is somebody right now facing
what you.
Speaker 4 (24:00):
On faced and they're young like kids children. Yeah, my
friend was telling me yesterday. I was talking to him
and his friend is going to get his nephews five
years old.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Foster kid was just putting foster care.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Mind you, he has uncles that are in the same
town with him, but they took him from the house
because the mother was selling her fourteen year old daughter
to men.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
And so a five year old baby that's for me.
That's Alison.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yes, her grandchildren. I met her grandkids were with us
in Atlanta and this other production we were doing, and
I'm picturing these girls.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Yes, and I just think, how did you.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Cause you're going to go through the rest of your
life with these scars mentally and emotionally, So I wonder
what you might share, like what she has as she
goes forward in her life, and how you heal and
how you journey, what you might share. Yes, please, y'all
can just come give me theation because I know I
look crazy with these tears. Thank you, And I'm sorry
(24:59):
you guys. It's because I'm embarrassed that I'm the one
in tears and y'all are just stronger than I could
ever imagine being. I cry about the things I went
through and it pales the comparison to what you went through.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
And just knowing how amazing you've always been.
Speaker 4 (25:15):
I think I think for me, I always want to
be what I didn't receive. It comes so natural for
me to love and to give and to be and
to that's natural for me. That's just how I made
you know, so experiencing those other things was like so
(25:35):
like shocking, like you know, but then you get used
to it because that's life, right, this is what it is,
and you got to keep pushing and you that's what
it is. It took me a long time to even
be comfortable in a hug, and I'm telling you, you
know when I got comfortable in a hug Samson.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
So I will tell you Tys is married to another
wonderful person.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
I was blessed to work with Samson, her husband. You
guys met and what.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Two thousand and five six we all worked at BT
News and Ty's was the booker there and Samson was
a new correspondent at BET, like from the street. Samson
was from the streets, and so he was our street
correspondent and we would like Samson would go to Capitol
Hill and interview these guys like from the streets, and
(26:23):
I always thought that y'all were just together and met them.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
But their love is so beautiful. So I love that.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
That's the love is just it's infectious all of our
we all talk about every time y'all post it's you know,
it really is, and I just love seeing it because
we will have Samson on the show, So you guys
will have to come back and tune in when we
have him because he has a very compelling story too.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
He right over there.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I'm just trying not to We love you, samsony right
over there on camera, but we love you Samson.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
But I'm just thinking about what you went through and thinking.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
About what you are going to go through as this
accomplished woman, like you're a baby, you're twenty one, and
I'm just like, oh, I want to like take this.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Girl and like help you in whatever way.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
What do you what do you most need in life
now as you begin your journey into the world, but
also your journey, your healing journey from everything you've gone through.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
I would say, oh, that is a hard question.
Speaker 6 (27:20):
Yeah, I would say at this point in my life,
as I'm stepping more into my adult years, I've just
been trying to give myself grace because I've been blessed.
And so I'm so comforting to hear you say like
the Lord was really like you're saving grace because that
was the same for me. I was blessed to understand
my purpose at a very young age. At fifteen, I
(27:42):
found my voice and I knew why I was put
on this earth and that I was supposed to be
a vessel for other young people going through so many
different things, but to let them know that you two
can get out of it, and you two can and
will become something much larger than that. Like, I am
not a product of my circumstances that I've been through through,
but I am a product of how I survived it,
(28:03):
how I triumph and how I've come out on the
other side. So I would say because of that, I
am very much of an overachiever, and I always feel
like I have to do something or I'm not doing enough.
But I've been learning to just get myself grace. I
graduated from a four year university in three years with
two degrees, so right from there I went to a
full time job that I currently work in the city.
(28:24):
So it's like it's like been NonStop. So just giving
myself grace when I can, and knowing that it's okay
to have shortcomings, it's okay to not always be on
a high because I'm a person that always gives, gives, gives,
gives gifts, and I'm always pouring, but sometimes you can't
pour from an empty cup, That's right, and I think
that that's something that I had to learn. And I
(28:45):
had to learn that no is a full sentence.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Write that part.
Speaker 4 (28:48):
I had to learn that too, because you always have
to You always feel you have to say no because right,
no is no.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
No is no stop, full stop, and that's it.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
And that's a learned behavior though, you know, because I
feel like I don't want to blame it on growing
up and for the care but we always have to
have a reason why we're saying no or yes.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Right, yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Because well, no, I can't because and I have to
give you this whole full explanation. I stopped doing that, yeah,
you know, because like you said, no was a full sentence.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
I still want to do it, Yeah, what it's not
good for me?
Speaker 5 (29:24):
And I a still had to learn boundaries.
Speaker 6 (29:25):
And my pastor said it so well, and he said,
once you learn to establish boundaries within your life, the
only people that are going to get upset is the
people that were benefiting.
Speaker 5 (29:34):
We did not have those boundaries in place. So I
learned that as well.
Speaker 6 (29:37):
That sometimes how people already expect me to like always
be there and always show up and always give sometimes
you tell them no, and now they're hurt by it,
But it's your only hurt because you were benefiting from
all the times that I didn't tell you no, and
I should have really put myself first. So I think
that that's still one thing that I keep telling myself,
like it's okay to take a mental break, it's okay
(29:58):
to just be an, It's okay for me to feel
the fills of my emotions, right, Like I don't sit
down and have conversations about what I've been through and
all the things I've been through. There's so many things
that I still haven't even unpacked because I rather push
it to the side of like I don't even know
how I could deal with that. But I also know
that that's not healthy because I don't want to continue
(30:19):
on in life and have things come up at different times.
And it's because it's unhealed trauma. So just trying to
like navigate that space.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
What do you think when you hear that I don't
want to unpack it, I don't have time. I got
to push it that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I do the same still.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
Yes, because a lot of things your mind protects you
from trauma, and so it's a lot of things you
may not remember, but it'll come in a flash. Like
it can be like I'm doing something and I will
just remember something like I remember being kicked in my
mouth and it's a flash for me. But you put
(30:54):
it away because you're like, wait, did that really happen?
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Did that or am I you know?
Speaker 4 (30:59):
But it's it's your memory coming back. But it's still
hard to deal with because now the same person that
did these things to me, I am now in touch
with again because he's dying in cancer.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Your stepfather, yes, wow, that like how did you get
in touch?
Speaker 4 (31:20):
And wiy because I have a little a younger sister.
Him and her mom had another daughter who is no
she never so whole life, that's my middle sister. So
they had another child and that they raised and her
whole life. She's been told that was the reason why
the family's not together. So we always had you know,
(31:42):
we had conflict.
Speaker 7 (31:43):
Right.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
My mom passed away ten years ago and when the
days she passed and after the cremation, I hadn't I
didn't speak to them.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Again because for what Yeah, right, I get that.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
And then a year ago, maybe not even a four year,
I don't think she she called my younger sister called
to say that he was in the hospital. No, no, no,
she called to say that they sued the hospital for
my mother's death and I had settlement coming. And I
was like, okay, well, thank you for including me for that,
because when she died and only pictures in the house
(32:18):
was her and my other sister, and they told the officers, yeah,
these are our our children. I'm standing right here, guys,
and they just said the two those were, yeah, these
are our babies. My mother, I'm here, hello, you know
what I mean. So I never spoke to them again.
And then when she called me with that, I said, okay,
(32:39):
thank you. And then they called me again because I
never called to say anything to him. He called and
said you're not gonna call and say thank you or nothing,
or drop dead or nothing. I said, you know what,
are you right?
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Thank you?
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Because they didn't have to include me, right, I would
have never known. But from then, when I found out
that he was dying, I was like, okay, let me
because she has no one right, they so isolated. I
was like, let me be that person. And so I
went to see him and I was like, you know
what I felt?
Speaker 3 (33:06):
I felt love for him?
Speaker 5 (33:10):
Mmmm.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I was like, Wow, this is this is crazy, this
is different.
Speaker 5 (33:16):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (33:17):
I just because he was so he looked so fragile
and so sick and so. And it's in the same
apartment where all the abuse happened. Everything is still there.
Everything is still the same. I used to stand in
the corner when they would punishing me. I was standing
in the corner for like days and not eat while
they're sitting at the table eating.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (33:37):
And then when I would finally get to eat, I
would throw up because I was sonourished. Yeah, all of that,
everything is still in the same place. But for me,
it's like, I don't feel anger because I still feel
like I made out better in foster care than I
would have if I stayed.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
He did.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
He did, But it's just it shows your her ability
to love to not feel anger. I'm angry for you,
like it's awful. You talked about therapy, and you talked
about therapy. I'm shook that they had therapy for you
at that time because at that time a lot of people.
Now we all we begin vinences, my therapist said, but
(34:19):
at that point that was different your therapy. I want
to hear about your therapy. I just want to hear
like how is that for you? And when you hear
Tayeza's testimony at this point about having love for her father,
especially or her stepfather, I should say like bridge to
me the gap between like the therapy you're going through
and how you feel about your father today.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
I haven't had any contact with my biological father.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Where is he I have no clue.
Speaker 6 (34:45):
I haven't had any contact with them since the last
time I seen him in court, which was twenty fifteen.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Was he arrested, Is he walking free or you don't know.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I have no idea.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
I just imagine if you're abusing children, the punishment can't
be I'm gonna take your kids. You go about your
life like there has to be you would imagine something
happened some sort of punishment.
Speaker 6 (35:05):
But within the child welfare system there's a lot of
emphasis on like restoration of families and courses and what
have you. So I don't think he was criminalized for
anything that he did. But I have no idea where
he is. But I'm also at peace with not necessarily
(35:26):
knowing or like reopening that bandage or I came to
terms with the things that he put me through. There's
so many things that I still haven't even you know,
brought to light within myself. It's just one of those
things that we keep within the family. So it's a
lot of different things that I'm just like, I'd rather
not like. I you know, I try to talk through
(35:47):
it with my therapist. I actually need a new therapist
because I'm not currently in therapy. But I had an
amazing therapist. I got her when I was around like
twenty twenty during the pandemic, and she was just phenomenal.
And it was a black and it was my first
time with a black therapist. Wow, And I didn't realize
how much I needed that. So it was experiencing her.
I was like, wow, you know, I actually like there.
(36:08):
I actually like talking to somebody and feeling like they
understand where I'm coming from. My biological mother I do
have communication with. I have forgiven her, I have had
conversations and understand that it's not her fault. I think
a lot of the times mothers are sometimes put in
a position where they're blamed as well, and a lot
(36:30):
of the times they're being abused the same time that
their children are being abused.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I'm glad you said that because honestly, the whole time
you're telling your story, I was upset with your father,
of course, but with your mother also. So it's glad
that you are teaching me to have grace and empathy
for what you went through, because I just wonder, like,
how can a mom stand by and watch that happen
to her child?
Speaker 2 (36:52):
So what was your father abusive to her?
Speaker 6 (36:54):
Yes, So those were questions that I always asked like
growing up, like how could you?
Speaker 5 (36:58):
How could you?
Speaker 6 (36:59):
But when I got older, I realized how could she
protect us when she couldn't even protect herself?
Speaker 5 (37:04):
How could she be.
Speaker 6 (37:05):
A mother where she couldn't even you know, go about
her day to day without it being controlled by somebody
or without you know, being barricaded and all of the
things Like I remember like having to leave out of
our apartment. You had to go through so many locks,
and so it's like just a it was just a
constant like almost like you're just barricaded in.
Speaker 5 (37:25):
So it was a lot that I had to deal with.
Speaker 6 (37:29):
I think truthfully, my biological mother probably hasn't come to
terms of everything herself. I think now it's kind of
more just like a we have like a relationship where
it's like, hey, and I don't refer to her all
the time as my mom because I am blessed to
I have a mom, I have a sister, I have
a family that blood cannot make us any closer, and
I'm very protective of them. And that's where I really
(37:51):
found what true love and stability looks and feels like.
I'm so grateful for them. But when I reach out
to my biological mothers more like a friend rebuild type
of relationship where I still find myself like you need
to do this, or you need to do this, or
it's like I'm reaching out to you where it's like,
you know, you also could reach out to the children
(38:13):
that you know that you have, So what do you
want to do in life? I see myself as being
definitely a powerhouse well, I consider myself a powerhouse advocate
because I have so much conviction the things that I do,
so I see myself being able to touch so many
young people and enter different spaces. My main focus is
(38:33):
really the youth population because I feel like a lot
of the times are youth and foster care or even
that are not. They lack mentorship. And I would say
I am blessed because I have a village of people
that seen something in me when I didn't see it
within myself, when I didn't understand what my purpose was
here on this earth. They saw something in me and
(38:53):
that allowed me to keep going, and it gave me
something to fight for beyond myself. And I feel like
a lot of times young people they get side track
because they don't have the right mentors in their life.
They don't have somebody telling them, Hey, you want to
be an entrepreneur, this.
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Is how you do it.
Speaker 6 (39:06):
You want to go to law school, this is how
you do it. You want to go to trade school,
this is how you do it. Because it's also not
a one for all fit for everybody. Everybody's trajectory in
life is a little bit different. So I feel like
once like that is kind of put in place, it
kind of helps bridge the.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Gap a little bit.
Speaker 6 (39:21):
Yeah, so I see myself being an attorney, but you
said el fat so yes, an attorney and an advocate
on the side, I don't know. I have a lot
of like dreams and plans for myself, and I consider
myself a visionary because it's almost like I could feel it,
like I just know that like my purpose on this
earth is like so much larger than myself that sometimes
(39:43):
I need to like stay the course because sometimes I
get so caught up and like, oh no, I need
to do this because I need to be here. But
it's like, just stay the course, stay grounded, and just
always remember your why.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
I love that, you know, Ty's I am thinking about
when you said you aged out and oh, I'm just
so heavy hearted thinking about Also, so the young kids
who are going through abuse. Yep, there's that, And then
you think about the children who aren't foster here, who
turned out into the world at eighteen with no infrastructure,
no support. Just go out into society and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
What happened to you?
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I know you went to work for the FBI, but
literally how did you build into this?
Speaker 5 (40:28):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Shoot?
Speaker 4 (40:29):
So I went to the FBI and worked there ten
years organized crime. And then I met this person that
worked in television. It was one I was out with
friends and it was the Holy Field Fight Holy Filled
and somebody he was fighting, and we went to that
person's place and he had a company, the Heritage Networks,
(40:50):
and it was a television syndication company.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
And I was like, like, what is that?
Speaker 4 (40:56):
What do you do, right, And he was telling me
how he buy old film and syndicate them and advertising
all that, and he so, what do you do?
Speaker 3 (41:04):
So I told him, well I did, and he.
Speaker 4 (41:07):
Was in but I couldn't go into detail because you know, yeah,
it was very sensitive. So he was like, well, come
come work with me. And this was like in December,
so it was that Saturday.
Speaker 5 (41:18):
I was there.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
I went back to work that Monday. I put my
resignation in and started working in television with him that
January and I never looked back.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
So I just.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
Been with him.
Speaker 4 (41:30):
I learned advertising and marketing and pr and writing scripts
like that. I learned everything it was to know behind
the scenes of doing TV, and I just kept I
just kept going.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
So anytime we made.
Speaker 4 (41:43):
New shows, I just kept rising in that company, but
all the while just knowing that this is what I'm doing.
Where I am is not expected, right because growing up
in foster care, you're supposed to either be homeless, on welfare,
in jail a bunch of kids. That's how they that's
(42:03):
how they see us, right, So my goal is to
just keep pushing. I was in John Jay, I was
going to school for forensic psychology. I had my son.
I was just pushing, pushing, because being like, you have.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
To push you.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
I don't know if it's over achieving or it's survival.
You know, you just have to. I can't be without.
So I just kept pushing and doing the things that
I love to do. I've never regretted not switching. I
never regretted switching lanes.
Speaker 3 (42:32):
Yeah, I never regret it. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (42:34):
And then you know, just building, building our company J City,
and just you know, doing all the wonderful shows and
and doing what we're doing what we do.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
But eventually, I do want to have a.
Speaker 4 (42:44):
Transition home for young people that do transition out, that
do age out, because at the end of the day,
Thanksgiving comes every year, Christmas comes every year, and there's
nowhere for them to go. So I want to have
a home where every year you're coming, You're coming for things.
Speaker 1 (43:01):
Give me come on, like, I will commit here right
now to be your first donor.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Yes, I got a check to write. It's gonna be
that much right now.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
Bro. Well, hopefully God will that will get there. I
would love to do that again. I volunteer to come
to it.
Speaker 2 (43:17):
I appreciate that. Will ye I would love to do that.
What would you say one twenty one? What would you
say to your twenty one year old?
Speaker 4 (43:28):
I would say, good job. I would say keep following
your heart, do whatever it is that you want to do.
And if you find out later on in the middle
of it, I don't know if I like this too much,
it's okay to switch gears. Just keep moving, keep moving,
(43:52):
but don't burn yourself out, you know, because I know
as growing up, the in the situation that we've been in,
the instinct is to keep you got to keep moving
even if you're tired, because everybody's depending on you and
you got to You got to to, like you said,
take time for yourself because self care is very very important.
(44:13):
I didn't do that at twenty one, you know, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
I didn't do that twenty one. But but just keep going,
but also put yourself first.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Yeah, you deserve that.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
You deserve that.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
I want you to peer into your future and you're
looking at your fifty six year olds. So what would
you say to your future self who's fifty six?
Speaker 5 (44:35):
I would say, job, all done. You've created a legacy.
Speaker 6 (44:39):
You have created something that generations can look back on
and know that Tauanta did that to Wanta started that
to want to establish that you also showed all your
younger siblings that they two could do it, and that
you all have amounted to something so much large than
(45:00):
your dreams could have ever imagined.
Speaker 5 (45:02):
And all of your wildest dreams have come true.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Don't forgive me and verified sent it somewhere better.
Speaker 2 (45:13):
Come to the politics, look to the home.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
You better, you know, so let's speak get into because
I these conservative, mega pro life people, they prolafe people
that are not adopted, not taking forty kids. You see
all these women now like they make forcing them to
have babies, but they're leaving them, yes, in restaurants, and
they don't.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Care about this. They don't care what it is about power.
It is about power.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
So you all have just I mean, I'm gonna be
a mess the rest of the day, but you all
have moved me, so moved me in my spirit, and
I feel called to be a support to you. And
definitely when you start this on, whatever you know, whatever
you need, I'm always going to be there. But I
really do want to if you when you move forward
with you, I would love to be there and be
(46:02):
supporative and if there's anything you're doing that I can highlight,
I would be honored to be of assistancy personally or
professionally in whatever capacity. So I think both your testimony
is amazing. I want to say again to the people
watching at home, even if you know someone who is
going through abuse, being quiet about it shifting as I say,
(46:23):
that's not my business, that is not helpful to children
who are being abused. If you know someone who's aging
out of the system, maybe you want to extend an
invite to your home, welcome them into your family. Community
has so much credo with black folks because we would
we always say that's my play cousin that that means
a lot to us and our family. And we you know,
(46:45):
mother children who we didn't birth, and you know, even
an enslavement, we nurse children we didn't birth while they
sold our kids off. So we form family in a
lot of different ways. And I'm just honored to be
in both your presence and what you survived. And I
just want to make a plea to the folks out
there to help be part of the solution and not
(47:07):
indifferent to the problem.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
So thank you, guys. I might look like a mess.
I might look like a raccoon right now, y'all.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
So thank you guys for tuning into this episode, very
special episode near and dear to my heart Across Generations
on foster Care. Please drop a comment if you know resources,
or just to have thoughts on what we can do
to help prepare this system and hopefully our elected officials
will be paying attention. I'm Tiffany Cross and we'll see
you on the next episode of A Cross Generation. Across
(47:39):
Generations is brought to you by will Packer and will
Packer Media in partnership with iHeart Podcast. I'm your host
and executive producer Tiffany D. Cross from Idea to Launch
Productions executive producer Carla will meris produced by Mandy b
and Angel Forte, Editing, sound design and mix by Gaza Forte.
Original music by Epidemic Sound Own video editing by Kathon
(48:02):
Alexander and Courtney Dean.
Welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite.
I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Tiffany, we gather
a season elder myself as the middle generation and a
vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared to engage
or hear perfections that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
We create magic, Create magic. Hi everybody, I'm Tiffany Cross,
and welcome to another episode of Across Generations. And today
we're talking about foster care. Now, as of the year
twenty twenty one, there were nearly ninety thousand Black children
in foster care. And while we know this is an
(00:48):
institution that impacts every child, I did want to highlight
the black children in foster care because of so many
issues surrounding black children being adopted and how black children
end up in foster care. So this is a serious
conversation and I'm so happy to be joined by Tay Styles.
She's a dynamic entrepreneur, speaker, and fierce advocate for foster youth.
(01:10):
She is also an activist and has been part of
enacting change within the New Jersey legislature. A powerful platform,
empowering others to overcome adversity and find their own path
to success. Now her story is one of resilience and triumph,
making her a vital voice in this conversation about the
realities of growing up in foster care and the strength
it takes to rise above. I do want to say also,
(01:34):
she is a close friend of mine. We've worked together
and for what now, I think over twenty year?
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Twenty years, yes, so.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
A long time.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
And we also have joining us Tawana Brown. She's a
recent graduate of Seaton Hall University with a degree in
political science and Africana studies at twenty one years old.
My kind of girl. She's passionate about her role in
advocating for children impacted by the child welfare system. Since
the age of fifteen, she's been using her lived expertise
to empower and educate. She's also an activist and has
(02:03):
been a part of enacting change as well within the
New Jersey legislature regarding the Sibling Bill of Rights. So
let's get right into it with these ladies. Thank you
both for being here.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Tis.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I'm embarrassed to say, as long as we've known each other,
I don't actually know your story.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
So why don't you start by telling us your story?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Okay, well, shoot, nineteen seventy seven.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
How old are you nine nine at that time?
Speaker 4 (02:30):
And what happened was I got beat up in the house,
right my stepfather beat me. I don't remember all of
the details because you know, your mind protects you, so
you forget some things. But I do remember having to
go to the hospitals, to Presbyterian Hospital. So we walked
over the bridge from the Bronx to Manhattan. We went
(02:51):
to the hospital and they started examining me and then
started asking questions. He didn't want to answer the questions,
so they snatched me out of him, and my mother
snatched me out of the hospital and we started walking
back home. As we're walking over the bridge, he said,
if I had insurance on you, I would throw you over.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
You do remember that.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
I remember that because that's the first time I prayed.
So we walked back to the house.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
What did I prayed?
Speaker 4 (03:17):
God, please send someone to get me. So we got
back to the apartment. I went to my room. I
was scared because I was like, I know, he's getting
ready to, you know, come for me. About ten minutes later,
somebody knocked on the door. An advocate from the hospital
knocked on the door and said, you know, I'm here
to check on Tay's and she understood that I was afraid.
(03:41):
She took me out of her house, took me back
to the hospital. I lived in the hospital for about
two weeks. I did school, you know, they had schoolwork,
and I lived there for two weeks and went into
forster care. From then I aged out at eighteen, so
I went to different foster homes, Like, yeah, I lived
in Brooklyn, I lived in Queens, I lived in Long Island.
(04:01):
I lived everywhere. And when you pack up, they don't
even tell you why you're leaving. It's just time to go,
you know. So I always had a bag. I always
had a plastic bag, and wherever I went, that was
the next place. And it wasn't even like the foster
homes were any better, because some forest of homes abused
me just the same. I had one for some mother
(04:23):
who she ran a bath.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Well.
Speaker 4 (04:26):
First of all, my room was outside of the apartment,
like so you could go up it was like a
brown sung So you go up the stairs and there's
a door to get into the apartment. But there was
also an outside room. I guess they made it into
a bedroom, but it was outside of the apartment, you understand,
like so they could lock their doors. And I'm just
in the in the stairway basically. And so she ran
(04:47):
a bathroom. I thought it was for me. So I
get in the bath, take a bath. I get out
of the bath. She goes in and said what happened
to the water, And I said, oh, I thought you
ran a bath for me, And so she threw something
at me because I took a bath.
Speaker 3 (05:02):
You see. So I mean I could have experienced.
Speaker 4 (05:05):
That at home. It's like, why I'm yea here experiencing that.
Then I had another foster father of family, but the
father sexually abused me, me and his own daughter. So
you know, some some things it's just like you stay home,
you get abused, You go out, you get abused. Every
(05:27):
foster family I've been with abused me in some kind
of way, except my last forster mom. It was just
her and me and a few other foster kids. And
that's why I say I'm from Queen's Miss Jones. I
was the first like stable household I was in, and
I got there at thirteen, And that's where I aged
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out from.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
I was there from thirteen to eighteen.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So for five years you have stability.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Yeah she was strict, but I craved structure, of course. Yeah,
so her being strict for me, I was like, this
is what it's supposed to feel like. So I didn't
buck back on that. I mean I did teenage things,
you know, like turning my clock back when I'm supposed
to be on eleven, I turned it back to ten
and be like, oh no, my wife says, she said
this clock says E let you know what I mean. So,
(06:14):
but but I craved structure, so for me, that was good.
I always loved school. I always was, you know, into
my books and stuff like that, and her making me
do that wasn't was something I wished I had anyway.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So I feel ashamed that I never knew this story
about you. The only way I found out that you
grew up in the foster care system is because the
concept for this show I was telling Tays is, you know,
you know how we were young and you sit around
your grandmother's table, and I want to bring that sentiment
back and when you're little and you know, have this
(06:49):
elder woman taking care of you and your aunt's come
over and Ty said to me, why I grew.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Up in foster care, so no about that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
It was my first time hearing that. And I'm so
grateful to you for hearing your story here. And I'm
also I've always loved you and always been impressed with you,
but now knowing all of this, because you have such
a an infectious spirit of giving and kindness, and we
were just with your grandbaby. He's in Atlanta, and so
(07:17):
I'm just so impressed that you survived that and that
God answered your prayers and delivered you from a situation
where you were being hurt. I want to bring you
in the conversation before our boohoo cry over here with
science because that is just a heartbreaking story. And I'm
thinking about the nearly ninety thousand black children, but the
hundreds of thousands of innocent children who could be facing
(07:41):
similar circumstances.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So tell me your story.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
So my story. I've always had child protective services.
Speaker 6 (07:47):
In my life from the time that I can remember
for my siblings, and I was always like kind of
like the norm that somebody who's gonna check in, how
are you doing? And then you get the whole run
down you're fine, nothing happened to you.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
You fel you hit your head. But that started to
become like continuous.
Speaker 6 (08:03):
And it wasn't until my father moved us away from
our family. And at this time, I was about nine
years old, and he moved us about like forty five
minutes away from all of our family and everything, and
that's when the abuse just got very It was consistent,
like almost every day, and it became worse, and it
got to the point where it was like every day.
(08:23):
It was like we didn't know if that was going
to be our last. And as children, I was confused.
But I also have four younger siblings, so they looked
at me as almost like their parental figure. But as
a nine year old girl, I don't even know what
to do myself. So I found myself like kind of
running away to school as my safety net. I used
to try to get involved in everything, so whether it
(08:44):
was dance, cheerleading, if it was bothering the teachers all
hours of the day, because I was running away from
being home. But it got to the point where my
father just became very aggressive, and it was one of
those things where you didn't know if it was going
to be a great day.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
You didn't know if it was.
Speaker 6 (08:59):
Like going to be okay day or if it was
just going to be really bad. So I would say
the last couple of months that I was with my
biological parents, it was the beatings were extremely bad, physical beatings, mental, emotional.
I also experienced molestation growing up, so it was just
a lot of things that I was trying to run
(09:20):
away from but also trying to seek help, but I
didn't know where to go. I didn't know what that
outlook was. So I blamed my biological mother a lot
because I just couldn't understand, like, as a mother, how
could you allow your children to.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Be put through so much harm?
Speaker 6 (09:33):
And it was one of those things where one day
I just made the phone call. I called nine one one,
and I remember being in the closet and I remember
just crying and crying and crying, and my sisters locked
the doors so that way my parents didn't get in.
And I called and I was like, you guys need
to come to the house. He's beating us. He's beating us.
And then that same day the phone core line got
(09:55):
cut and from there they sent out investigators. They came
to the house, but at this point, we had another
of open cases, so it was to the point where
they did their check, they looked around and they were like, Okay,
everything is fine. So at that point I was I
just felt hopeless because I'm like, how many times do
I have to call or does a teacher have to
report that they've seen a bruise or that something is
(10:15):
not right with these children before somebody actually steps in.
So that's where a lot of my resentment for the
child welfare system started to come in later too, but
it wasn't to the point where I just was very persistent,
And I will never forget the day that I called
my grandmother and I was just like.
Speaker 5 (10:33):
Hey, can you pick up me and the girls? We
just want to come over and sleep over.
Speaker 6 (10:36):
But my father never wanted us to sleep over at
anyone's house because he had no control of us, what
we would say, what we would do. And this day
I remember getting my grandmother's car and just telling her
to drive, drive and crying and crying, crying. My younger
siblings are looking confused, and especially the youngest one because
she's the closest to our mother and she doesn't know
(10:57):
what that aspect is like, She's not understanding right from wrong.
Only way that we learned that what we're going through
is wrong because I would go to school and I'm like,
your parents don't beat you, You're not going through this.
So it was one of those things where I was
like just drive and I just remember just telling her
everything and like crying to her, and she was just like,
you guys are not leaving.
Speaker 5 (11:17):
So from there, they opened up a case in a
state of New Jersey. They opened up a case.
Speaker 6 (11:22):
They started doing investigations and everything, and it was just
so much for them to like unpack that. It was like,
there's no way that we're giving you back to your
biological parents. But at the time, it was five of
us entering the child welfare system, so it was unheard
of for siblings to stay together.
Speaker 5 (11:38):
It is usually two.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Siblings in this foster home, two siblings in this home,
and one maybe independent living. And that was something that
I just fought tooth and nail that I wanted to
stay with my siblings because I did not know life
without them. I looked at them like they were my children,
even though I was a kid myself. So it was
something that I fought my social workers on. I fought
(11:59):
my kids workers on but I had this one cost
a worker and I love her today. Marla Jiga bought
them and their entire team. Where I sat down and
for the first time somebody asked me like who I was,
or what I wanted to be, or where I saw myself,
So regardless of all the traumas that I had endured,
and I was trying to come to terms with and
all the aspects of violation because when they do an investigation,
(12:23):
you also got to be examined by random people. You
have no clothes on, You're stripped of all sense of identity,
and sometimes I feel like the foster care system also
dehumanizes young people even more so you're coming from a
traumatic situation just to be re traumatized again, and that
aspect of it.
Speaker 5 (12:40):
I was like, if I'm going to go through it,
I'm going to go through with my siblings.
Speaker 6 (12:43):
And that plays a huge part and why I was
a part of the drafting and creating the Sibling Bill
of Rights in New Jersey, because I feel like that
shouldn't be something that somebody's fighting for, it should be
a right course. So that led me into the foster
care system and then within the system. I was very
active in going to the courts. I was the young
(13:03):
person that they always said, you talk too much, you
run your mouth too much. But I was like, you
know what, I'm going to use it for good. I'm
going to go to the courthouse and tell them what
I want and what's going on.
Speaker 5 (13:11):
So I was very vocal.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
I testified in my case, had to testify against my
parents who were testifying against me at twelve years old,
so it was just unheard of territory that I was
like continuously embarking on and my younger siblings looked to
me to be the voice for us. So essentially, I
will say that worked in a positive for me because
I was able to find my voice. So from there,
(13:33):
I joined the New Jersey Youth Council. I was a
Youth Council member for two years. I became a Youth
Council coach. Aside from that, I started doing full time
advocacy work. So I just started sharing my story. I
started leading youth groups, empowering young people because I feel
like the biggest thing that I missed throughout being in
care and going through all the things, and that lack
of stability or normalcy was just understanding that I'm a
(13:57):
person and that I'm not a product of the child
welfare system, that I'm not another statistic that everybody that
said I couldn't and I wouldn't, that I was going
to do just that. So that was something that empowered me.
But it's also because I had great people in my life,
and not necessarily my social workers. Unfortunately, it was my
cost of workers that stepped up and took that position.
(14:18):
So I did all the things. We ended up getting adopted.
I ended up experiencing a feled adoption because I ended
up going back into the system and I recently aged
out in January of this year, so I did a
few years of independent living.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
So I've experienced.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
A lot a lot work that is.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
So that's a court appointed advocate, that is a volunteer.
So they're in a lot of states. Some states may
call them a gl but in New Jersey they're called
costa workers, well, costa volunteers. So for me, it was
my cost of volunteers because they always stuck around. So
even the time where my case closed, my cost of
volunteer was the one that moved me into college, that
(15:00):
bought me my lset books when I graduated college, I
just actually went to Dinnerware not too long ago. So
she's always the one that's just been encouraging me and
empowering me to kind of take ownership of my life
and my story and not just stay fixated on all
the things that went wrong, but what I could do
with that.
Speaker 5 (15:18):
So I really used.
Speaker 6 (15:20):
My platform of advocacy to empower young people, because sometimes
it's not even about what I necessarily been through. It's
about what I've been through and how I could use
that to help you or empower you.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
So that's been good.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
What happened with the failed adoption, So.
Speaker 6 (15:39):
That was just an instance of just the lack of resources,
And it wasn't in an instance where it was like
myself and the person that adopted me weren't getting along.
It was just one of those things where there weren't
enough resources. And they don't talk about that enough within
the child welfare system of how sometimes where either you're
a foster you or you could be a kenship you,
(16:00):
or even transition into adoption, that there's not a lot
of services or supports after the fact. And it was
one of those things where I just wasn't getting along
with everybody that was necessarily in the house, and I
was doing all the things as a teenager, I was
running away. Still found myself running, but I was no
longer going through like physical abuse, but I was battling
a lot mentally and emotionally. So I took it upon
(16:21):
myself to kind of just take a leap of faith.
I called one of my old case workers and actually,
what were my options? And that's when she told me
about independent living. But in order to do that, I
had to go back into the system, so they had
to reopen my case. So essentially I still ended up
aging out even though I was adopted at the age
(16:42):
of sixteen.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Wow, and your siblings are you're twenty one? Yes, and
your siblings very young, younger than where are they now?
Speaker 6 (16:49):
They're all in the care of myternal grandmother. Yeah, okay,
so they're okay, Yeah, they're all okay, they're they're fine.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Thanks thanks to big Sisters, they're making that all. I
just want to far bring you back, Tys. I just
want to say to people watching at home, if you
are experiencing abuse, physical abuse, if someone's sexually abusing you
tell until until until until someone believes you. If you
tell one person and they don't, then tells keep telling.
(17:19):
They're no good comes from a secret. If someone's telling
you to keep it a secret, they do.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
Not mean you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Well, you tell everybody until somebody believes you. And bravo
to you for being consistent and taking an agency over
your own life that far block, far before you should
have had to.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Tys, you're fifty.
Speaker 7 (17:35):
Seven, fifty fifty six, fifty six, so you're fifty six
and you're hearing her, you know, who's decades younger than you,
and she's going through a lot of the same things
you went through, and it just makes me say, what
will have to happen for the system to change?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
What will have to happen.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
We're in a conversation right now in this country around
a group of people who call themselves pro life, and
I wonder how many of these pro life people have
adopted I wonder how many people of these in this
pro life group or right wing conservatives have advocated for children?
(18:19):
Who how many how involved are they when it comes
to child welfare? So I hear this and I'm just
outraged at this wealthy country and we leave people like
you behind when you were young, and people like this
young genius who's talking to me about the LST and
it's twenty one behind and you, despite everything, have built
this career, the successful career as an entrepreneur. What do
(18:41):
you think when you hear her story?
Speaker 4 (18:44):
First of all, congratulations because you've accomplished a lot in
such a young age. I age out at eighteen. You know,
if I would have had till twenty one, you know,
it just would have been.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Well a.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
I aged out of eighteenth during the time where it
was just like okay, see ya, you know, but thank
god I had something lined up. I went to the
FBI straight from from high school because I had to
right where was I.
Speaker 3 (19:18):
Going to go?
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I had to make a thing and nobody. My sister
was adopted, but I was left and forster care. So
you know, she passed well. When I ate I could
have stayed with her, she probably would have let me
stay with her, but I was being I'm grown, I
got my job. I'm out of here. You know, I
don't have to listen to rules and stuff. She's passed
(19:40):
away now, and that's what I called my mom. My
biological mom passed away about ten years ago, and I
was able to you know.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Did you talk to her, I healed.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
I didn't hold any kind of resentment or because my
thing was why am I angry with someone that doesn't
even care that I'm angry? Why hold that? Why walk
around with that? They didn't They didn't care myself father,
he didn't care that was angry.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Everything was my fault. You know, I'm the reason why
the family wasn't together.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Did she ever try to defend you and protect you
from him?
Speaker 3 (20:14):
No, because she was abused too, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
And then when I did mention to her, like mom,
we got to talk about this, like one time we
was on the phone. I was like, I remember, you know,
I grew up and forced to care like we can't.
You know, I have scars on my bikey that showed
that proves that I was beaten, you know, with extension cords.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
And she said, nothing ever happened. They brainwashed you.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
I said, okay, So then I knew that conversation couldn't
be had. You know, it was nothing else to talk about.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
So you did?
Speaker 5 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You?
Speaker 3 (20:43):
You you saved yourself and your sister, So kudos to
you for that, you.
Speaker 2 (20:47):
Know, saved yourself.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
I did.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
I wish that I could have had my sister with me.
I wish you know.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
But the good thing is that her foster mom and
my forced mine allowed us to communicate, because sometimes that
doesn't happen. And then she was adopted and her adoptive
mom allowed us to communicate. How old she I'm fifty six,
story right, she's forty forty.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
Six, Okay, so she was ten years younger than you
experienced the abuse, and.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
You know, talking to her, just talking to her by
some of the things that I feel like hers was
worse than mine. Really, Why the things that she would
tell me that happened.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
To her by your stepdad.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
No, he never hit her, that was his daughter, Okay,
But when they can't take one child and not take that.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
This is so I went to fort care.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
The first time we had to go to court, I
testified whatever, and then later on they asked you do
you want to go back and I was like, I
want to go back home.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Mom.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
Right A year later I was we were back and
forth to care like but about a year and a half,
two years later we were back in forthcre and that
was it, right, And then when we got in forcet
the care, they would visit her and not visit me.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Cause we were on two different days.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
So Tuesday I would go to therapy and this is
that when I was supposed to have a visit from
my mom at least my mother, and they wouldn't come
see me, but Wednesday they would go see my sister.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (22:09):
So it was that and then they just stopped going
and they lost their parental rights, and then she was
able to get adopted and I stayed in foster care
bouncing around.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Can I ask you, I'm so baffled by this story
because you are so giving and loving, you know, and
it just hurts my heart to.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Hear this story, It really does.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
It breaks my heart how you said you went through that,
and I'm just curious how you journey through.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Because I'm like, I didn't go through it, and I'm
like tearing up for you.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
I promise you.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
I at a young age, I read the Bible front
the cover, I mean the front the back. I read
the Bible every day and I felt like from the
first time I said my prayer that God got me.
And so some of the things I went through, I'm like, Okay,
I could deal with this right because it's not that
(23:10):
So even when I was being sexually abused in that
fluster care, in that in that house in Brooklyn.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
He was a bus driver, a bus driver and he
was doing it to his own daughter. I could hear it.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
And how old were you?
Speaker 3 (23:26):
Eleven?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Maybe this is like my heart is breaking because.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Like Titans is like the you know, even you, like
I wouldn't have this conversation with you and think that
you all went through anything like this, and it is
I'm thinking of like the kidsour and.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
So going through it, they're going through it.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
It is heartbreaking and I just I'm so angry around
the conversations we're having in this country and I'm you
all survived despite everything, and I'm the one in tears
and you all like we did, You're only went through.
But I'm just thinking there is somebody right now facing
what you.
Speaker 4 (24:00):
On faced and they're young like kids children. Yeah, my
friend was telling me yesterday. I was talking to him
and his friend is going to get his nephews five
years old.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Foster kid was just putting foster care.
Speaker 4 (24:14):
Mind you, he has uncles that are in the same
town with him, but they took him from the house
because the mother was selling her fourteen year old daughter
to men.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
And so a five year old baby that's for me.
That's Alison.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yes, her grandchildren. I met her grandkids were with us
in Atlanta and this other production we were doing, and
I'm picturing these girls.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Yes, and I just think, how did you.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Cause you're going to go through the rest of your
life with these scars mentally and emotionally, So I wonder
what you might share, like what she has as she
goes forward in her life, and how you heal and
how you journey, what you might share. Yes, please, y'all
can just come give me theation because I know I
look crazy with these tears. Thank you, And I'm sorry
(24:59):
you guys. It's because I'm embarrassed that I'm the one
in tears and y'all are just stronger than I could
ever imagine being. I cry about the things I went
through and it pales the comparison to what you went through.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
And just knowing how amazing you've always been.
Speaker 4 (25:15):
I think I think for me, I always want to
be what I didn't receive. It comes so natural for
me to love and to give and to be and
to that's natural for me. That's just how I made
you know, so experiencing those other things was like so
(25:35):
like shocking, like you know, but then you get used
to it because that's life, right, this is what it is,
and you got to keep pushing and you that's what
it is. It took me a long time to even
be comfortable in a hug, and I'm telling you, you
know when I got comfortable in a hug Samson.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
So I will tell you Tys is married to another
wonderful person.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
I was blessed to work with Samson, her husband. You
guys met and what.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Two thousand and five six we all worked at BT
News and Ty's was the booker there and Samson was
a new correspondent at BET, like from the street. Samson
was from the streets, and so he was our street
correspondent and we would like Samson would go to Capitol
Hill and interview these guys like from the streets, and
(26:23):
I always thought that y'all were just together and met them.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
But their love is so beautiful. So I love that.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
That's the love is just it's infectious all of our
we all talk about every time y'all post it's you know,
it really is, and I just love seeing it because
we will have Samson on the show, So you guys
will have to come back and tune in when we
have him because he has a very compelling story too.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
He right over there.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I'm just trying not to We love you, samsony right
over there on camera, but we love you Samson.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
But I'm just thinking about what you went through and thinking.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
About what you are going to go through as this
accomplished woman, like you're a baby, you're twenty one, and
I'm just like, oh, I want to like take this.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Girl and like help you in whatever way.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
What do you what do you most need in life
now as you begin your journey into the world, but
also your journey, your healing journey from everything you've gone through.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
I would say, oh, that is a hard question.
Speaker 6 (27:20):
Yeah, I would say at this point in my life,
as I'm stepping more into my adult years, I've just
been trying to give myself grace because I've been blessed.
And so I'm so comforting to hear you say like
the Lord was really like you're saving grace because that
was the same for me. I was blessed to understand
my purpose at a very young age. At fifteen, I
(27:42):
found my voice and I knew why I was put
on this earth and that I was supposed to be
a vessel for other young people going through so many
different things, but to let them know that you two
can get out of it, and you two can and
will become something much larger than that. Like, I am
not a product of my circumstances that I've been through through,
but I am a product of how I survived it,
(28:03):
how I triumph and how I've come out on the
other side. So I would say because of that, I
am very much of an overachiever, and I always feel
like I have to do something or I'm not doing enough.
But I've been learning to just get myself grace. I
graduated from a four year university in three years with
two degrees, so right from there I went to a
full time job that I currently work in the city.
(28:24):
So it's like it's like been NonStop. So just giving
myself grace when I can, and knowing that it's okay
to have shortcomings, it's okay to not always be on
a high because I'm a person that always gives, gives, gives,
gives gifts, and I'm always pouring, but sometimes you can't
pour from an empty cup, That's right, and I think
that that's something that I had to learn. And I
(28:45):
had to learn that no is a full sentence.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Write that part.
Speaker 4 (28:48):
I had to learn that too, because you always have
to You always feel you have to say no because right,
no is no.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
No is no stop, full stop, and that's it.
Speaker 4 (28:58):
And that's a learned behavior though, you know, because I
feel like I don't want to blame it on growing
up and for the care but we always have to
have a reason why we're saying no or yes.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Right, yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Because well, no, I can't because and I have to
give you this whole full explanation. I stopped doing that, yeah,
you know, because like you said, no was a full sentence.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
I still want to do it, Yeah, what it's not
good for me?
Speaker 5 (29:24):
And I a still had to learn boundaries.
Speaker 6 (29:25):
And my pastor said it so well, and he said,
once you learn to establish boundaries within your life, the
only people that are going to get upset is the
people that were benefiting.
Speaker 5 (29:34):
We did not have those boundaries in place. So I
learned that as well.
Speaker 6 (29:37):
That sometimes how people already expect me to like always
be there and always show up and always give sometimes
you tell them no, and now they're hurt by it,
But it's your only hurt because you were benefiting from
all the times that I didn't tell you no, and
I should have really put myself first. So I think
that that's still one thing that I keep telling myself,
like it's okay to take a mental break, it's okay
(29:58):
to just be an, It's okay for me to feel
the fills of my emotions, right, Like I don't sit
down and have conversations about what I've been through and
all the things I've been through. There's so many things
that I still haven't even unpacked because I rather push
it to the side of like I don't even know
how I could deal with that. But I also know
that that's not healthy because I don't want to continue
(30:19):
on in life and have things come up at different times.
And it's because it's unhealed trauma. So just trying to
like navigate that space.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
What do you think when you hear that I don't
want to unpack it, I don't have time. I got
to push it that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I do the same still.
Speaker 4 (30:33):
Yes, because a lot of things your mind protects you
from trauma, and so it's a lot of things you
may not remember, but it'll come in a flash. Like
it can be like I'm doing something and I will
just remember something like I remember being kicked in my
mouth and it's a flash for me. But you put
(30:54):
it away because you're like, wait, did that really happen?
Speaker 3 (30:57):
Did that or am I you know?
Speaker 4 (30:59):
But it's it's your memory coming back. But it's still
hard to deal with because now the same person that
did these things to me, I am now in touch
with again because he's dying in cancer.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Your stepfather, yes, wow, that like how did you get
in touch?
Speaker 4 (31:20):
And wiy because I have a little a younger sister.
Him and her mom had another daughter who is no
she never so whole life, that's my middle sister. So
they had another child and that they raised and her
whole life. She's been told that was the reason why
the family's not together. So we always had you know,
(31:42):
we had conflict.
Speaker 7 (31:43):
Right.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
My mom passed away ten years ago and when the
days she passed and after the cremation, I hadn't I
didn't speak to them.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Again because for what Yeah, right, I get that.
Speaker 4 (31:56):
And then a year ago, maybe not even a four year,
I don't think she she called my younger sister called
to say that he was in the hospital. No, no, no,
she called to say that they sued the hospital for
my mother's death and I had settlement coming. And I
was like, okay, well, thank you for including me for that,
because when she died and only pictures in the house
(32:18):
was her and my other sister, and they told the officers, yeah,
these are our our children. I'm standing right here, guys,
and they just said the two those were, yeah, these
are our babies. My mother, I'm here, hello, you know
what I mean. So I never spoke to them again.
And then when she called me with that, I said, okay,
(32:39):
thank you. And then they called me again because I
never called to say anything to him. He called and
said you're not gonna call and say thank you or nothing,
or drop dead or nothing. I said, you know what,
are you right?
Speaker 3 (32:49):
Thank you?
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Because they didn't have to include me, right, I would
have never known. But from then, when I found out
that he was dying, I was like, okay, let me
because she has no one right, they so isolated. I
was like, let me be that person. And so I
went to see him and I was like, you know
what I felt?
Speaker 3 (33:06):
I felt love for him?
Speaker 5 (33:10):
Mmmm.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
I was like, Wow, this is this is crazy, this
is different.
Speaker 5 (33:16):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (33:17):
I just because he was so he looked so fragile
and so sick and so. And it's in the same
apartment where all the abuse happened. Everything is still there.
Everything is still the same. I used to stand in
the corner when they would punishing me. I was standing
in the corner for like days and not eat while
they're sitting at the table eating.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (33:37):
And then when I would finally get to eat, I
would throw up because I was sonourished. Yeah, all of that,
everything is still in the same place. But for me,
it's like, I don't feel anger because I still feel
like I made out better in foster care than I
would have if I stayed.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
He did.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
He did, But it's just it shows your her ability
to love to not feel anger. I'm angry for you,
like it's awful. You talked about therapy, and you talked
about therapy. I'm shook that they had therapy for you
at that time because at that time a lot of people.
Now we all we begin vinences, my therapist said, but
(34:19):
at that point that was different your therapy. I want
to hear about your therapy. I just want to hear
like how is that for you? And when you hear
Tayeza's testimony at this point about having love for her father,
especially or her stepfather, I should say like bridge to
me the gap between like the therapy you're going through
and how you feel about your father today.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
I haven't had any contact with my biological father.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Where is he I have no clue.
Speaker 6 (34:45):
I haven't had any contact with them since the last
time I seen him in court, which was twenty fifteen.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Was he arrested, Is he walking free or you don't know.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I have no idea.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
I just imagine if you're abusing children, the punishment can't
be I'm gonna take your kids. You go about your
life like there has to be you would imagine something
happened some sort of punishment.
Speaker 6 (35:05):
But within the child welfare system there's a lot of
emphasis on like restoration of families and courses and what
have you. So I don't think he was criminalized for
anything that he did. But I have no idea where
he is. But I'm also at peace with not necessarily
(35:26):
knowing or like reopening that bandage or I came to
terms with the things that he put me through. There's
so many things that I still haven't even you know,
brought to light within myself. It's just one of those
things that we keep within the family. So it's a
lot of different things that I'm just like, I'd rather
not like. I you know, I try to talk through
(35:47):
it with my therapist. I actually need a new therapist
because I'm not currently in therapy. But I had an
amazing therapist. I got her when I was around like
twenty twenty during the pandemic, and she was just phenomenal.
And it was a black and it was my first
time with a black therapist. Wow, And I didn't realize
how much I needed that. So it was experiencing her.
I was like, wow, you know, I actually like there.
(36:08):
I actually like talking to somebody and feeling like they
understand where I'm coming from. My biological mother I do
have communication with. I have forgiven her, I have had
conversations and understand that it's not her fault. I think
a lot of the times mothers are sometimes put in
a position where they're blamed as well, and a lot
(36:30):
of the times they're being abused the same time that
their children are being abused.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I'm glad you said that because honestly, the whole time
you're telling your story, I was upset with your father,
of course, but with your mother also. So it's glad
that you are teaching me to have grace and empathy
for what you went through, because I just wonder, like,
how can a mom stand by and watch that happen
to her child?
Speaker 2 (36:52):
So what was your father abusive to her?
Speaker 6 (36:54):
Yes, So those were questions that I always asked like
growing up, like how could you?
Speaker 5 (36:58):
How could you?
Speaker 6 (36:59):
But when I got older, I realized how could she
protect us when she couldn't even protect herself?
Speaker 5 (37:04):
How could she be.
Speaker 6 (37:05):
A mother where she couldn't even you know, go about
her day to day without it being controlled by somebody
or without you know, being barricaded and all of the
things Like I remember like having to leave out of
our apartment. You had to go through so many locks,
and so it's like just a it was just a
constant like almost like you're just barricaded in.
Speaker 5 (37:25):
So it was a lot that I had to deal with.
Speaker 6 (37:29):
I think truthfully, my biological mother probably hasn't come to
terms of everything herself. I think now it's kind of
more just like a we have like a relationship where
it's like, hey, and I don't refer to her all
the time as my mom because I am blessed to
I have a mom, I have a sister, I have
a family that blood cannot make us any closer, and
I'm very protective of them. And that's where I really
(37:51):
found what true love and stability looks and feels like.
I'm so grateful for them. But when I reach out
to my biological mothers more like a friend rebuild type
of relationship where I still find myself like you need
to do this, or you need to do this, or
it's like I'm reaching out to you where it's like,
you know, you also could reach out to the children
(38:13):
that you know that you have, So what do you
want to do in life? I see myself as being
definitely a powerhouse well, I consider myself a powerhouse advocate
because I have so much conviction the things that I do,
so I see myself being able to touch so many
young people and enter different spaces. My main focus is
(38:33):
really the youth population because I feel like a lot
of the times are youth and foster care or even
that are not. They lack mentorship. And I would say
I am blessed because I have a village of people
that seen something in me when I didn't see it
within myself, when I didn't understand what my purpose was
here on this earth. They saw something in me and
(38:53):
that allowed me to keep going, and it gave me
something to fight for beyond myself. And I feel like
a lot of times young people they get side track
because they don't have the right mentors in their life.
They don't have somebody telling them, Hey, you want to
be an entrepreneur, this.
Speaker 3 (39:05):
Is how you do it.
Speaker 6 (39:06):
You want to go to law school, this is how
you do it. You want to go to trade school,
this is how you do it. Because it's also not
a one for all fit for everybody. Everybody's trajectory in
life is a little bit different. So I feel like
once like that is kind of put in place, it
kind of helps bridge the.
Speaker 3 (39:20):
Gap a little bit.
Speaker 6 (39:21):
Yeah, so I see myself being an attorney, but you
said el fat so yes, an attorney and an advocate
on the side, I don't know. I have a lot
of like dreams and plans for myself, and I consider
myself a visionary because it's almost like I could feel it,
like I just know that like my purpose on this
earth is like so much larger than myself that sometimes
(39:43):
I need to like stay the course because sometimes I
get so caught up and like, oh no, I need
to do this because I need to be here. But
it's like, just stay the course, stay grounded, and just
always remember your why.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
I love that, you know, Ty's I am thinking about
when you said you aged out and oh, I'm just
so heavy hearted thinking about Also, so the young kids
who are going through abuse. Yep, there's that, And then
you think about the children who aren't foster here, who
turned out into the world at eighteen with no infrastructure,
no support. Just go out into society and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
What happened to you?
Speaker 1 (40:20):
I know you went to work for the FBI, but
literally how did you build into this?
Speaker 5 (40:28):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (40:28):
Shoot?
Speaker 4 (40:29):
So I went to the FBI and worked there ten
years organized crime. And then I met this person that
worked in television. It was one I was out with
friends and it was the Holy Field Fight Holy Filled
and somebody he was fighting, and we went to that
person's place and he had a company, the Heritage Networks,
(40:50):
and it was a television syndication company.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
And I was like, like, what is that?
Speaker 4 (40:56):
What do you do, right, And he was telling me
how he buy old film and syndicate them and advertising
all that, and he so, what do you do?
Speaker 3 (41:04):
So I told him, well I did, and he.
Speaker 4 (41:07):
Was in but I couldn't go into detail because you know, yeah,
it was very sensitive. So he was like, well, come
come work with me. And this was like in December,
so it was that Saturday.
Speaker 5 (41:18):
I was there.
Speaker 4 (41:18):
I went back to work that Monday. I put my
resignation in and started working in television with him that
January and I never looked back.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
So I just.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
Been with him.
Speaker 4 (41:30):
I learned advertising and marketing and pr and writing scripts
like that. I learned everything it was to know behind
the scenes of doing TV, and I just kept I
just kept going.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
So anytime we made.
Speaker 4 (41:43):
New shows, I just kept rising in that company, but
all the while just knowing that this is what I'm doing.
Where I am is not expected, right because growing up
in foster care, you're supposed to either be homeless, on welfare,
in jail a bunch of kids. That's how they that's
(42:03):
how they see us, right, So my goal is to
just keep pushing. I was in John Jay, I was
going to school for forensic psychology. I had my son.
I was just pushing, pushing, because being like, you have.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
To push you.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
I don't know if it's over achieving or it's survival.
You know, you just have to. I can't be without.
So I just kept pushing and doing the things that
I love to do. I've never regretted not switching. I
never regretted switching lanes.
Speaker 3 (42:32):
Yeah, I never regret it. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (42:34):
And then you know, just building, building our company J City,
and just you know, doing all the wonderful shows and
and doing what we're doing what we do.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
But eventually, I do want to have a.
Speaker 4 (42:44):
Transition home for young people that do transition out, that
do age out, because at the end of the day,
Thanksgiving comes every year, Christmas comes every year, and there's
nowhere for them to go. So I want to have
a home where every year you're coming, You're coming for things.
Speaker 1 (43:01):
Give me come on, like, I will commit here right
now to be your first donor.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Yes, I got a check to write. It's gonna be
that much right now.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
Bro. Well, hopefully God will that will get there. I
would love to do that again. I volunteer to come
to it.
Speaker 2 (43:17):
I appreciate that. Will ye I would love to do that.
What would you say one twenty one? What would you
say to your twenty one year old?
Speaker 4 (43:28):
I would say, good job. I would say keep following
your heart, do whatever it is that you want to do.
And if you find out later on in the middle
of it, I don't know if I like this too much,
it's okay to switch gears. Just keep moving, keep moving,
(43:52):
but don't burn yourself out, you know, because I know
as growing up, the in the situation that we've been in,
the instinct is to keep you got to keep moving
even if you're tired, because everybody's depending on you and
you got to You got to to, like you said,
take time for yourself because self care is very very important.
(44:13):
I didn't do that at twenty one, you know, Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
I didn't do that twenty one. But but just keep going,
but also put yourself first.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Yeah, you deserve that.
Speaker 3 (44:23):
You deserve that.
Speaker 1 (44:24):
I want you to peer into your future and you're
looking at your fifty six year olds. So what would
you say to your future self who's fifty six?
Speaker 5 (44:35):
I would say, job, all done. You've created a legacy.
Speaker 6 (44:39):
You have created something that generations can look back on
and know that Tauanta did that to Wanta started that
to want to establish that you also showed all your
younger siblings that they two could do it, and that
you all have amounted to something so much large than
(45:00):
your dreams could have ever imagined.
Speaker 5 (45:02):
And all of your wildest dreams have come true.
Speaker 3 (45:06):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (45:07):
Don't forgive me and verified sent it somewhere better.
Speaker 2 (45:13):
Come to the politics, look to the home.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
You better, you know, so let's speak get into because
I these conservative, mega pro life people, they prolafe people
that are not adopted, not taking forty kids. You see
all these women now like they make forcing them to
have babies, but they're leaving them, yes, in restaurants, and
they don't.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Care about this. They don't care what it is about power.
It is about power.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
So you all have just I mean, I'm gonna be
a mess the rest of the day, but you all
have moved me, so moved me in my spirit, and
I feel called to be a support to you. And
definitely when you start this on, whatever you know, whatever
you need, I'm always going to be there. But I
really do want to if you when you move forward
with you, I would love to be there and be
(46:02):
supporative and if there's anything you're doing that I can highlight,
I would be honored to be of assistancy personally or
professionally in whatever capacity. So I think both your testimony
is amazing. I want to say again to the people
watching at home, even if you know someone who is
going through abuse, being quiet about it shifting as I say,
(46:23):
that's not my business, that is not helpful to children
who are being abused. If you know someone who's aging
out of the system, maybe you want to extend an
invite to your home, welcome them into your family. Community
has so much credo with black folks because we would
we always say that's my play cousin that that means
a lot to us and our family. And we you know,
(46:45):
mother children who we didn't birth, and you know, even
an enslavement, we nurse children we didn't birth while they
sold our kids off. So we form family in a
lot of different ways. And I'm just honored to be
in both your presence and what you survived. And I
just want to make a plea to the folks out
there to help be part of the solution and not
(47:07):
indifferent to the problem.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
So thank you, guys. I might look like a mess.
I might look like a raccoon right now, y'all.
Speaker 1 (47:17):
So thank you guys for tuning into this episode, very
special episode near and dear to my heart Across Generations
on foster Care. Please drop a comment if you know resources,
or just to have thoughts on what we can do
to help prepare this system and hopefully our elected officials
will be paying attention. I'm Tiffany Cross and we'll see
you on the next episode of A Cross Generation. Across
(47:39):
Generations is brought to you by will Packer and will
Packer Media in partnership with iHeart Podcast. I'm your host
and executive producer Tiffany D. Cross from Idea to Launch
Productions executive producer Carla will meris produced by Mandy b
and Angel Forte, Editing, sound design and mix by Gaza Forte.
Original music by Epidemic Sound Own video editing by Kathon
(48:02):
Alexander and Courtney Dean.
Host
Tiffany Cross
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