December 24, 2024 • 41 mins
On this episode of "Across Generations", host Tiffany Cross dives into the art and science of modern matchmaking with the dynamic Kelli Fisher and Tana Gilmore, aka "The Matchmaking Duo." With over a decade of experience, they share insights into bridging generational gaps in love and relationships, while empowering individuals to build meaningful connections. From debunking myths about dating coaches to exploring cultural dynamics, this conversation celebrates black love, healing, and the journey to self-discovery. Whether you're seeking love or redefining it, this episode offers a fresh perspective on finding and fostering healthy relationships.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of Black
women unite.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
We gather a season elder myself as the middle generation,
and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared
to engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do. We create magic, Create magic.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hi, everybody, my name is Tiffany Cross and I'm your
host of Across Generations.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Okay, so I have to be honest.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
One of my least favorite topics of conversation on this
show is anything to do with dating. It's just that
I get exhausted with the subject popping up in any
of my social media feeds, with these so called experts
giving advice that more often than not they're not really
qualified to give. But there must be something to it
because lots of people have thoughts, opinions, and most importantly
for today's show quests, everybody wants somebody. And in the
(01:03):
United States, seventy one percent of adult black women and
sixty four percent of Black men are not married.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yet a lot of y'all out there are looking for love.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Well, I was surprised to learn about this age old
dating profession that has apherently re emerged as an efficient,
although lesser known alternative to swiping right.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
And that's matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
So we're going to discuss that today because I have
a lot of questions about what qualifies one to do this,
how does this work? And I have two ladies who
are here to help me sift through it. So today
we are excited to welcome to the show Kelly Fisher
and Tanna Gilmore, better known as the Matchmaking duo with
over a decade of experience, Kelly and Tanna are nationally
(01:42):
recognized certified matchmakers, authors, and relationship coaches. Now they specialize
in helping professional singles find love by combining modern matchmaking
techniques with time tested relationship advice. Their work is in
power countless couples individuals to discover meaningful and we're thrilled
to have them on across generations to discuss the generational
(02:04):
differences in love and dating and all my silly questions.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
You both here, Thanks for having us us. I'm really
happy guys here.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
So just so you guys know, before the show, we
were chatting because we have a fam you alum.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Here throwing you rattlers out there.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yes, yeah, no, y'all would want me to say that, Yes, yes,
I'm so thrilled to have you guys here. One of
the things though, that you heard me say in the answer.
I get so frustrated with all these people who like
say something looking wantonly in the camera with slow music
over it, giving advice and calling themselves coaches. And everybody
(02:43):
calls themselves a coach. But what qualifies one to do this?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
What qualifies you guys to do this?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Like draw for me the distinction between you guys and
anybody with a microphone on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Wow, there's so many things that qualify us. I think
one is life experience, So I think we started with that,
and also the fact that Tanna and I both had
our own individual struggles and dating and people kind of
watched our journeys and watched our relationship struggles and how
we came back. And then we're certified life coaches, certified
relationship coaches, and then we also started our own matchmaking
(03:16):
school called Love Pro University, where now we certify matchmakers
and coaches to do what we do. But really more
in the space of people of color.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, what goes into getting certified. What does that mean?
Speaker 4 (03:29):
So it's interesting because once Kelly and I had our
own struggles within our own individual relationships, we decided, you know,
we're really good at this. People started to come to
us for advice. So we went through a certification school
World Coaching Institute to be certified in life coaching. I mean,
I think that there's life in relationships, right, So we
(03:50):
certified in life coaching and then relationship coaching, and then
coupled that with day coaching. And then once we started
to help so many women, they were like, you know,
we were love to meet somebody now that I'm feeling better,
now that I'm empowered and I'm my best self.
Speaker 5 (04:05):
You know, who do you all have to introduce me to?
Speaker 4 (04:07):
But we're like, no, we don't have anybody, but that's
a line out of that we can do. So then
we flew to New York and we became credential with
the Matchmaking Institute Global Love Institute is what it's called
now and then so it's you know, it took us
a while to get our We wanted to step out
with the right credentials to say that, you know, we're
certified to do this not only that, but like Kelly said,
(04:29):
we have the life experiences to back us up.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
But what is like specifically in the certification process, Like,
what is something that they're arming like a tool? You
guys both have undergraduate and I think graduate degree, yes,
so like there are things that you learn that you
took away in school. I'm just curious the certification process,
what is like the scientific method or something that they're
teaching you.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Yeah, so I would say that with coaching, though, in
any coaching program, you're you are not a therapist. You
help someone start from where they are and arrive into
where they're going. So you help them uncover what it
is that they need. So you know, a lot of
open ended questions, a lot of probing questions, So you
learn questioning, powerful questioning. So you learn that technique, and
(05:14):
you learn listening skills, you know, showing empathy and compassion
in those types of things, just to be able to
better relate with somebody as you they're sitting in front
of you, we're across from you, or wherever. And so
those are some of the skills that you learn with coaching.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
Yeah, I think I was going to say also with
matchmaking though, so coaching, and then we segue into matchmaking,
so we're you know, blending lifestyles. We're saying, okay, where
are you today, but where do you want to be
in the future, and kind of matching all of those things.
So hobbies, lifestyles, you know, do you want children, do
you want to be married, all of those things. So
it's not just hey, let me just put two single
people together, you know, which I think a lot of
(05:49):
people even know at the you know, holidays or something,
somebody might say, hey, you're single.
Speaker 6 (05:54):
You're single, let me just put you together. But that's
not the same.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
I mean, you're really trying to match for a long
term success, which is our culture for our business.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
Yeah, you know, we have our clients come in and say,
you know what, paint us a picture of how you
envision your life to look, right, and we proude ourselves
and our agency is giving them more of what they
need versus what they want, because a lot of times
you think that oh I want this, this and this
and this, but that's not necessarily what you may need.
You think that, oh, gosh, I've envisioned my partner to
look like this, to be this way, but that isn't
(06:24):
going to work for you long term, So let us
help you uncover what that looks like, paint a picture
of it, and then find someone that matches the same
end goal. So that's what it is. It is a
science behind it, even though love is not an exact
science because you're dealing with emotions and feelings and all
of that, right, but there is a science of how
you partner somebody for compatibility. We can't control chemistry though compatibility.
(06:49):
We got that online.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Yeah, yeah, I noticed both you guys are married.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Yes, yes, recently married. Yeah, you're married.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Boy. The tactics that you give your clientients in your
own search in romance.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Yeah, Well it's funny because we always, I guess, in
a lot of different industries. A lot of times you're
you're the worst person, like so we should be a
financial consultant or whatever. Most of the time their money
is not right. But the same thing with matchmaking, you know,
and Tanna would be like, oh, do this, do that,
But it's so funny. I ended up matching myself. So
I ended up reconnecting with someone on Facebook and we
(07:23):
went to college together and made my own match. So yeah,
so he's in Detroit. It was kind of on our
show Love Love Match Atlanta and Bravo. But yeah, so
he's in He was in Detroit. I was Atlanta, and
then you know, we did the long distance thing for
many years and then we got married last year and
I moved to Detroit. But our headquarters is still in Atlanta.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So you slid in the DM split in the DM
all the way. I was interesting. I know a few
people who have connected people don't.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
I don't know why people don't do that.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I mean, you're already connected, you have connections, you can
you know, kind of fact check, yeah at that point.
So I don't know why people don't even just use
dms and social media. Yeah, warm introduction, you know, it's
like a warm introduction.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
What What is the average age of somebody who comes
to you?
Speaker 4 (08:08):
I would say historically it's been about thirty five to
fifty five, but we've been seeing them younger lately, really, Yeah,
which is rich is a twist in the trend, right,
So they're realizing at a much younger age that I
really struggle in this area. I really need some support
and some help, So let me seek matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
What's this specific service that they're coming to you for,
like are you just making the intro and then you're.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
No, it comes to us for a matchmaking. Everybody that
probably comes to us, no one really comes to us
every once in a while and say, you know what,
I think I need some day coaching. You know, they
don't feel like they need it. Just find me this person.
This is what he looks like, this is what he makes,
this is what he this is how TALLI is. Find
me this man's let me slide you this check and poof.
(08:53):
It doesn't work like that, it doesn't. But but the
way that our business works is that everybody that goes
through our program has to endure coaching with us because
it's a disservice for us to sit you across the
table from someone and you don't have any conflict resolution,
you don't have any communication skills. You don't have you
can't even transition the relationship from the first date to
(09:15):
a committed relationship. So if you don't have those tools,
it's a disservice for me to sit you across from anybody.
So again they have to go through coaching a coaching
program with us.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
But once they go through the coaching, like if it's matchmaking,
like how are you pairing them? Like do men come
to you and then do you take? Like it's like
we have this bucket of men, who's looking. We have
this bucket of women and we're gonna decire.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
So a lot of matchmakers do things differently. We're twelve
plus years and at this point, so we've discovered early
on that we don't match clients a client because when
you just say, okay, we're going to match clients and client,
it has to be from this pool of people. And
we're national, so we may match clients and client, but
we may have to go and actually heart hunt we
call it on your behalf, So we might have to
go and say, okay, let me go. We have recruiters
(09:57):
really all lovely aisons that work for us, and so
they're always social and out doing different things. So we
may have to send them to a fraternity event. We
may have to send them to golf, you know, golf
outing and bring us more singles that match their lifestyle.
Speaker 6 (10:09):
Wow. Yeah, we don't do clients to client, but some
matchmakers do.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
And how much are your services.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Anywhere from five thousand to twenty five thirty thousand, So
It's funny that most of the time that we have
a waiting list for the premium service, so people at
them by the time they come to us sayre like, look,
I'm investing in this and I'm ready to have do
something different. So that's our ideal client, someone who's ready
to do something different and listen.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
So that's a whole diff story.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Yeah, exactly from that five to twenty five thousand, Like,
what are you committing.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
To the client?
Speaker 5 (10:41):
So let me let's just say this. There's no guarantees.
Speaker 7 (10:43):
Okay, you're right, yeah, in life, no guarantees in life
or this program, right, so we can only the only
thing we can guarantee you is if you subscribe to
a matchmaking program that we're going to, you know, pair
you with somebody that you are compatible with that we've
we've uncovered, we decided that together this is who you need.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
We're gonna pair you with somebody with that. But again,
there are no guarantees that we can't guarantee you you're
gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
Yeah, even in an exclusive relationship.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Usually that's the goal, and we've been highly successful about
eighty nine percent of sex rate doing that.
Speaker 5 (11:15):
But it's not you know, I.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Mean ass in people that you connect, they end up marrying.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
Well, so they either end up in a relationship or
end up marrying. Because sometimes we get clients that come
to us and they haven't had a date in five
years or or or ever wherever.
Speaker 5 (11:34):
We have virgins and absolutely.
Speaker 6 (11:36):
Never had a kiss all that.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Yeah, I'm talking about high profile, but they've done so
many things and their career and just kind of push,
you know, love to the side.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
So that's when the pross goes up because we're.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Starting at you're starting that grassroots, like you have to
teach you from the bare bones grassroots.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
So you've never had a kiss, it's.
Speaker 6 (11:55):
No judgment, no judgment.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
So it's like, okay, let's take that in. Let's develop
a program that's going to give you. Okay, step one,
this is where we are. Step two this is you know,
so again that's how it works with us.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Yeah, let me give you the inside track though that
from matchmaking that people don't understand when they hire us.
They're like, Okay, I want this, this and this, but
we on the other side don't know who's gonna like you, right,
So it's like people want to guarantee, but we could
have ten people lined up, but if they don't, you know,
like you, because people are very particular, they may want
somebody more curvey, they may want someone who's more outgoing.
Speaker 6 (12:27):
So I mean, we can't guarantee.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
So that's why we don't do guarantees because they're like, Okay,
I want the twenty five thousand things, but we don't
know we may have those people, So, like I said,
we'll have to add to our inventory in our community.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I'm struck by you saying like matchmaking is not therapy
and may so because it's making me rethink some of
the people I've seen on social media. So is stuf
they're saying, I'm like that, you're just getting to the surface.
But maybe that's what they're trying to do. A lot
of times, I think people's challenges in the dating world
is because you haven't had that journey home to your
(13:00):
so you haven't gotten to those inner wounds. You haven't unpacked,
you know, and a lot of your standards are rooted
in shallow things that you don't even know who you are.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
Yeah you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, but you're saying we don't need that.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
Yeah, I mean, we have real life experiences, you know,
my husband and I have been together for twenty two years.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
We just celebrated twenty graduation. And how did y'all meet a.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Slid in his damn to a black planet like something
years ago? Yeah, and so, and we've been rocking all
this time. We went through some challenges. We separated for
two and a half years, so you know, we were
kind of doing our own thing out there, getting our
toes wet and other experiences for two and a half
years and worked our way back together. So I mean,
(13:44):
you know, there's some health challenges that were happening along
the way. So when you talk about a couple that
has been through it, we have real life. So you know,
you can't sit in front of me and say, oh,
you wouldn't believe you know what I've been going through.
Speaker 5 (13:57):
Yes we will between the.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Two of us, right, we got yes, nothing that our
clients can come to us and say if they've gone
through that we one have an experience or help someone
with it. And this is without us being credential just
because of life and who we are and using wisdom
and discernment in all of those things.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Right, and I think thousands of clients later, So we
have so many different scenarios that we've learned from other people.
So you know, we learn a lot from our clients
too and their experiences. So and my story is I was,
you know, divorced. I was married for many years, a
single mother of three. So after I was divorced, so
my youngest was two, I moved from New Jersey to
Charlotte and started over and so I was out in
(14:39):
the dating streets as a single mom. So this was
a whole different at that different season in my life.
I had to rediscover myself and say, Okay, who am
I now? I'm different than when I, you know, was
single before. So just trying to rediscover who I was
and showing up as a different person. So and with children,
so that's a whole different story, right have they disitors
lined up?
Speaker 6 (14:58):
Nanny's all of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
So and discernment around who's around yourself.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Exactly and girls, yeah, I mean not that, but definitely daughters.
I know this is something where I'm like, Okay, nobody
can come into my space and I'm not introducing anybody
until a certain time. So all of those things when
we come into you know, single parents that come to us,
we both kind of can have conversations about that.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah, I think when I asked about success rate, because
when you said younger people are coming now, and you know,
I think on twenty some things, it's like, maybe your
your success rate isn't like I ultimately want to get
married to this person, who's so much a part of
(15:38):
dating is learning who you are, learning what you like,
learning what works for you, learning how to establish boundaries,
you know, confidence, right, yeah, we were great and self love,
you know, like that's part of that journey home. Do
you find a big difference between what younger women are
looking for, like maybe if they're younger than thirty five
(15:58):
versus what a fifty five year A.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
Yeah, there is a significant difference. And I'll tell you what.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So someone that's younger, they've what we've learned is that
the younger women now are fast tracking as well, Like
normally they have advanced degrees by the time they come
to us, even at thirty, you know, they've already established
in their career and they realize, you know what, I
really want to get married and I really want children,
(16:23):
and so they're like, let me try to expedite this
process to see if I can get some.
Speaker 5 (16:26):
Support in doing that.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
But then then we have our fifty five year olds,
right that are they're they're done having children, maybe they're
on their second divorce, and they're like, you know what
this is. I don't even know what this looks like
right now. This is so different from me Dayton today.
I don't know what I'm doing. So I need some
support in that. And yes I want They may not
necessarily want to be married, but they want to partner
(16:49):
and a companion and that in that face. So that
that generation, yeah, that retirement yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
You know, well yeah, the younger generation, I think the
pace is definitely different. So when you talk about they
have grown up with technology. Yeah, so you know, they're
on dating online, they're texting, they're not having you know,
real emotional connections, and so I think that's a lot
of times where they struggle because it's like, okay, let
me just see the next one, let me do this,
let me they're you know, dating.
Speaker 6 (17:13):
Someone, they can meet someone on the Tuesday. That doesn't work.
I'm going to meet somebody else on a Friday. And
so that's a little bit different.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Where you know, the more seasoned generation they come to
us and they want to have that personal connection. They
want to just say, okay, let's meet for dinner, let's
do and then everybody else is moving so fast, so
we almost have to speed up their pace because you
know they're wanting to just really have a genuine connection.
But still the pace of dating right now is a
lot faster than you know what they may have remembered
(17:40):
what I what.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
I noticed a lot and this is mostly from women
younger than meet and talking to them.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Finances seem to be a big deal.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
One.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
He got to make this much money, he has to
do this. And I just find, as somebody a little old,
I'm forty five, and as somebody who's you know, live
to have my own experiences, I wonder. And it's nothing
wrong with that, it's nothing wrong with wanting your financial equal,
but I just wonder when it gets down to life.
(18:08):
You know, you talk about you and your husband going
through hard times and some hell challenges, and it's like,
who is going to wipe your behind when you can?
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Yes, like going to.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Be the seven figures who works all the time, And
it might be yeah, and seven figures all the time,
which we've realized doesn't mean they can be seven figures
in debt.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
And so we don't even take that. They're like, Okay,
it has to be this certain salary, and we stay,
wait a minute, It's not about the number. Yeah, it's
about the lifestyle. It's about who's there for you. It's
about financially responsible. Yeah, and who has that emotional connection
to withstand the ups and downs, you know, of dating
and relationships and eventually marriage.
Speaker 6 (18:46):
Right.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
You know it's interesting because you were saying that, like
you really want someone that will wipe your behind. Yeah,
I mean that, and if something happens that they're going
to be there and they're not going to walk out
and they're not going to leave or you know, Heaven
forbid you in a car accident and in a you know,
paralyzed in a wilchair.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
Anything.
Speaker 4 (19:03):
Anything can happen. It's happened in my family, it's happened
in our life. And so you know, you want someone
that's going to, you know, say, I'm rocking with you,
I committed to this and I'm rocking with you. I'm
rolling with you all the way to the end, Like
we're gonna die married to each other.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
Yeah right, yeah, that's that's how we're rolling. We're to
each other.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Yeah, I'm married to each other whatever is, we're gonna
fix it, work it out. And we have issues too,
but no, we're rocking to the end.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Well, I want you to share what you feel comfortable sharing.
But what was the most challenging time in your marriage,
whatever you go through?
Speaker 4 (19:36):
Yeah, so, oh gosh, So I would start with, you know,
we're a blended family. So we had blended family of five.
I came in the relationship with two boys and then
and my husband was raising three children from his previous
marriage and two were biologically his and then the oldest
daughter was his his ex wife's daughter from her first relationship,
(19:58):
but he had all three. Yeah, so we were a
whole blended family at the Brady Bunch almost. And so
we had some personality conflicts early on, and then we
had children or with you guys or everyone, yeah, everybody, everybody.
And then we later I traveled a lot for work.
We had some infidelity in our marriage on both sides.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
What else.
Speaker 4 (20:19):
My husband had a stroke, so we when we apart,
when we took a separation for two and a half
years and worked our way back together. Eight months later
he had a massive stroke. And so you know, I
have I have people saying you know, you should just
bounce now.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
And I was like, no, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
What, we worked for this, we put we put this
marriage back together. We're on rocking to the end. So
and that's yeah. So until he was better, until he
was able, and he has you know, a disability and
some slight paralysis on the right side, but we're rocking.
He drives, I mean, we have an active life. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
So yeah, it's what it is.
Speaker 4 (20:52):
But that was, you know, that was a very difficult
time in our marriage. And I think for me being
able to trans transfer from being a caregiver being a
wife to a caregiver back to being a wife. So
that was the transition that was, like whoa life changing
(21:14):
for me.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
What you're describing is love.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Yeah. I think what a lot of people I hear
a lot of people desiring is a long first date.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
And you know, you're not really ready for that strong conversation.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
You know, you ain't ready to be wiping being somebody
and that is like women's speech.
Speaker 7 (21:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So I'm so grateful to you for this platform to
share the intimacies of your marriage.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I think that's what people want to hear.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
What for you this you're early on and so but
I hear, this is your second marriage, that's so different.
But I hear like that first year can be challenging,
but this is the second go round. So what's been
the most challenging part for you.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Well, I'm thinking of the whole a most challenging part overall.
And I was just thinking of the time when, you know,
just being divorced and I was talking about being suddenly
this single mom that had relocated and starting over again
and being back into the dating world. I was like,
you know, trying to fight not being bitter Betty, right,
So I wanted I was so resentful that Okay, well
he's not here. You know, he's not able to help
(22:19):
with the children. I'm lugging them all around. And that
can impact your dating life too, So you know, you're
showing up mad at the world, you know, mad at men,
and you know, so I think just doing that whole
internal work, spiritually, mentally, working out, just trying to find
the confidence and the fun in life again, because bringing
that to somebody is not helpful. So that was really
(22:39):
the most challenging part, is making that transition and really
rediscovering myself to be able to you know, be that
fun part and actually it was more fun discovering this
next part of my life then, you know. But it
was definitely a journey that you know, we always welcome,
you know, helping people through.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (22:56):
Yeah, So that was definitely the hardest part for.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
The people who aren't you have to have eighty nine
percent successfully. For the people who are not successful, what
has been the challenge there?
Speaker 3 (23:05):
I think one of the biggest challenges is that they
come and they just want to like Tanna mention, just
give us a check and say, hey, you have this
crystal ball, just find me this man or this woman,
and they don't want to listen. They don't want to
make any changes. If you come to us and it's
already not working, then you know, we realize it's probably
not going to work anyway because you're not really you're
not really willing to make any changes. And so I
think that's really the biggest challenge. And people a lot
(23:29):
of times that come to us, they're pretty powerful, you know,
in work and life, and so they have to So
what we've done over time, we've decided, Okay, this is
not our ideal client. It's just not our ideal clients,
so we may not even take them on if we
realize that they're not someone who's going to be willing
to make a change.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
And do you did they get a refund?
Speaker 6 (23:48):
No refunds?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And what what are some things that you look for
when taking on a client, like, well, do you have
more men or women?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
We have more men, more men, We have.
Speaker 4 (24:02):
More women that come to us. So things that we
look for that would identify if they're a great client.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
Was that the question? Yeah? You know, yeah, somebody that's
going to listen, someone that.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Like literally, do you say, are you a good listener?
Speaker 4 (24:15):
So we do, but we asked probing questions again we
were certified coaches. What we asked about their familiar with history.
We ask about what contribution did they have to the
failed relationship previously?
Speaker 5 (24:28):
Now if they're willing to admit.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
Something or be like noah, it was just them or
it was just everybody else, Yeah, that's not not going
to work for yeah.
Speaker 5 (24:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
We asked them, are you coachable? Will you listen to
us as experienced expert from a highly sought after agency
in this country. You came to us for a reason.
Are you going to listen? They're like, I'm gonna give
you some pushback you know, don't.
Speaker 5 (24:50):
We don't.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
We don't need that because you have to be This
is your investment if you want this to work. This
is how we do it. This is how we run
our business. This is how we've been successful. So either
you're gonna trust us with it or not trust us
with the journey. Now, though those who trust us with
the journey are you, They usually win. They usually say,
you know what, I'm going to hand it off to you.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I've had i
(25:13):
haven't been successful.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Do what you do.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
And those are the ones that are open every time,
and those are the ones that win every single time.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
I mean, you're dealing with people who can afford to
pay twenty five thousand dollars. Yeah, And I'm saying though,
these are type a personality, you know something, Yeah, like
they have coordinated their life right and a certain way,
and they were successful professionally because they were the quarterback
on everything and I got this figured out.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
So I would imagine it's challenging the woman like that.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
It is, But what we tell them is, look how
long it's taken you to get where you are.
Speaker 6 (25:50):
So that wasn't overnight.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
So we hit This is a process too, that you
have to be willing to take that journey to, you know,
learn some new skills, try something different, Maybe date somebody
you wouldn't you know, have normally you met. Yeah, and
just kind of go from there.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah, I mean you wanted do you want something different
to happen? Right, and this is your end goal? Allow
us to help you reach that end goal. It hasn't
worked for you all this time on your own. Yeah, yeah,
trust an expert.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Well, there are a lot of people out there too,
because I'm aware that to some people listening, this may
sound like a very elitist conversation, you know, and like
love is not exclusive to you know, people who make
six and seven figures rs and you know, have degrees
or advanced degrees. And so I'm curious what advice you
might give somebody in your you know, the age range
of your clientele who can't afford five thousand dollars or
(26:38):
fifty but they too desire partnership.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
What piece of advice would you give them?
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Yeah, I would say just being more open. Just being
more open sometimes. I mean people come to us for
many different challenges. One maybe they don't have, you know,
the confidence to have a conversation. Maybe go out and have,
you know, give one hundred smiles today. You know, maybe
whatever it is that your challenge with, you know, maybe
go ahead and challenge yourself to do things differently. Maybe
you've been dating the same type of person all the time,
(27:02):
So go to different places, go a different way home,
you know, go to different communities and different events that
you wouldn't normally have gone to. So you have to
whatever it is, you have to make a shift.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Well, I you said be more open, and I didn't
ask y'all do you all mostly deal with black folks?
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Are not exclusive to block, but that's the majority of
our business.
Speaker 5 (27:20):
Okay, why I like that?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So when you say be more open, what do you
say about dating outside the race?
Speaker 5 (27:34):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
I've always said it, and Kelly and I both said
that your gift may be wrapped in a different package
of bowl, you know. So I think it's important that
you be open just in case. Right, and so, but
most of our clients come to us they want a
black man. We't want a black woman. And here's what
we have found is that even the men that have
come to us recently, they're saying, you know what, ladies,
(27:56):
you guys are my last stop before I go overseas
because as my friends are doing it, they're going overseas,
going to d R or wherever, and they're bringing back
a wife because they're like that we can't find what
we're looking for here or whatever. We're like, just give
us a shot.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
We have so.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Many conversation you don't want to know about. Yeah, this
conversation and we're seeing you know, but we're almost being
with them, you know, but just give us an opportunity
and the ones that trust us with it. We had
a marriage last October, we have one coming up this February,
and there's nothing coming up this June. They've trusted us,
but they have each come to us and said you
(28:31):
all are my last stop.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
That is what I don't like about that. It's kind
of it sounds petulant almost.
Speaker 5 (28:37):
You know, because we're here, but is there.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I don't want to be dismissive of these brothers because
it's their fair feelings, but it does sound petulant to me, like,
you know, you guys didn't have what I wanted, so
I'm leaving you.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
Know how that.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Like you got a black mama, black sister, a black daughter, Like,
how is that living in service to our community?
Speaker 7 (29:03):
How?
Speaker 2 (29:03):
I don't like it?
Speaker 6 (29:04):
But no, but serve you this.
Speaker 5 (29:07):
So let's be clear, because if we're being transparent on this.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
Platform, we can be rough sometimes.
Speaker 5 (29:13):
I mean, let me tell you something.
Speaker 4 (29:15):
So we're black women, we love our sisters, and we
started this business for us, you know so, but some
of us can be at a bit much like we
come with so many lists of demands. We come with
expecting to be the passenger princess or to be this
and that, and not really wanting to give a part
of ourselves into the relationship. And so some men are
(29:39):
just tired of it, that's what they're telling us.
Speaker 5 (29:41):
They're tired of you.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Yeah, and I think too, it's a lot of coaching
that we do. Yeah, we really do coach because a
lot of times when you think of it as black girls,
and I can't speak to everybody's experience, but of course,
you know we've grown up. You know, black girls a
lot of times is what you hear from your family,
what you hear from your friends, and you know, go
get your education, do that. Don't worry about a man
even younger, Like I said, I have three daughters, So
just watching them going to predominantly white schools you know
(30:05):
where we lived, you know, just watching the whole dynamic
of dating. You know, the parents of the friends would
be like, oh, so and so's you know, boyfriends coming over,
and then for us it's like, oh no, you're not.
Don't even look at anybody, you know, that type of thing.
So the difference in growing up is almost letting them
know that you can be loving and all of that,
and nobody gives us permission at any time to be like,
you know what, now you can be sexy, Now you
(30:26):
can be loving, all of that. So it's really us
given us and our sisters permission to be sexy, be
permission to be fun, all of those things. Nobody ever
tells you when to turn the switch off.
Speaker 6 (30:36):
Yeah, right, I think.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
But honestly, that sounds like that is rooted in your
journey home to self love. Yes, And if you're doing
that for the sole purpose of attracting a partner, I'm
not sure how sustainable that is. Like there has to
be a component to I'm bringing love to myself. I
love myself and if I so happen to find a partner,
if I want to be intentional to use this matchmaking service. Great,
(30:59):
And I'm struck about what you're saying about some of
these men, because I think about us as a people.
But I'll talk about black women and all of our
beauty and all of our glory and all of our
pain and our trauma and our agony and all that
we carry.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Black men, I know y'all carry pain too. We carry
it with you.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And so if you want to go out and date
a non black or non Black American woman, don't involve
us in that you're doing that because that's what you
want to do that you don't but don't involve because
they are all types of black women. We're not a
homogenous future people we have. Certainly there are commonalities with us.
But this whole idea of well, this group of black women,
(31:36):
I data I don't like. So I'm gonna go out
outside and do this. You doing that because you want
to do that.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
That ain't got nothing.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Because all we ever wanted to do was love y'all.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
Them.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
But I will say we have to be more free
in the dating process, like even from date one. From
date one, it's okay to give them a compliment, Okay
to say oh you are handsome, Oh you smell great,
like it's okay. I think a lot of times we
kind of hold it back culturally. It's like, okay, let
me just wait. I'm gonna wait, and then when he
proves himself, I'm gonna just unleash his whole Pandora's box.
And that's not how the trend of dating is. Whether
(32:14):
we want to move it that way or not, we
have to go with the trend. The trend is first date,
second date, you know, give some feedback like I'm so
proud of you. That's what they're looking for on both sides.
So a lot of times they'll leave a date and
they'll say, well, I don't even know she liked me
or not. I don't really and so she hadn't said anything.
She comes back and tells us, oh my god, he
was final. You know, we had a great time.
Speaker 6 (32:33):
He made me.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Let no tell him, tell him from day one.
Speaker 4 (32:38):
It's fear, yeah, rejection, yeah, all of those things. Yeah,
only because we don't want to be perceived a certain way. Right,
So you hear this term, Oh I don't want to
look too thirsty, or I don't want to be aggressive,
or I don't want to appear certain.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
It is okay, you're not thirsty, you're interested.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
But and those are the women that win every time
because they're showing interest. You know how many men tell
us like I love it when a woman compliments me,
or I love it when she initiates the conversation or
she asks for my number.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
They love it yourself. I might not like you, but
I can say you hang in that souper, you look.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
So so the woman that embraces that, she has the
option to say yay or nay.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
What do you say to women about sex?
Speaker 5 (33:33):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (33:34):
Well, so and so Again, as far as sex, we
have some clients that end up. You know, they have
a first day on Friday and they're still together on Monday,
you know, because they've gotten it in all weekend long.
Speaker 5 (33:48):
That's on them. But what we do.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
Tell them is that just know that if you initiate
sex early, there's an expectation.
Speaker 5 (33:56):
You can't really get that back.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
So again, you've already embarked into a different sphere and
the relationship may shift or change, and it may be.
Speaker 5 (34:04):
For the better and it may not be.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
But just so you understand that you're making a responsible
decision based on what you feel in this very moment.
Speaker 5 (34:13):
But you're grown.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Yeah, at fifty five grown. I don't know if you
can tell a fifty five year old a three month rule, right, yeah, yeah,
right in that point, Yeah, you have to.
Speaker 6 (34:26):
Well the thing, I mean, we've seen both.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
We've seen sometimes, like you said, somebody who hasn't had
a date in a minute, and they're like, look, I
need it all, like I don't even care. But then
we do have some clients that come to us because
they keep sleeping with someone too early and they're never
taken seriously. So in that case, I wouldn't suggest it,
because you're starting the cycle that you know, we want
them to see how amazing you are without sex.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
What would you say, ask too early?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
I'm talking about date in one or two, Yeah, you know,
and it's just continue and it just depends. I think
it's more with confidence because they're thinking, Okay, this is
going to keep them, or this is going to keep her.
Speaker 6 (35:00):
That's not what you're doing it.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Right, Well, I don't care if it's been two days,
two months, and two years, if you're having sex with
anybody to keep them again.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
So yeah, I wish we were special. That's not the
reason that they're saying.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
But all of the honestly, with hearing you guys talk
about some of these things, all of this comes back
to me as brokenness. Yes, you know, and I think
our brokenness in this country is very unique. And we
have navigated this space of being told that we are unintelligent,
that when we are unattractive, unmarriable, not.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Really sexualized.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Well, we can take it back to the plantation on
black men were lusted after and ledged how black women
were raped and beaten and bruised by oppressors. And we
carry that into these spaces of love. And that's really
what I would like us to see changed. You know,
we have to be the change. How can we change that?
So I get matchmaking like, yes, because black love is
(36:03):
defiant each other's more.
Speaker 4 (36:09):
I'm so proud of our culture and I'm so proud
to be just to be a part of it. To
be a contributor to our culture and promoting black love
and black families, that's probably the most rewarding part of
this business for us, For me, I can say for me,
because we have contributed to these black families.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
Yeah, that's that's one thing I didn't realize when we
started the business, you know, those things that come up
later that we're actually contributing to healthy families and healthy relationships.
A lot of people come to us and they've never
seen a healthy relationship, you know, whatever it might be,
whether their parents were divorced or the dad wasn't there
or the mom wasn't there. And they're like, you know what,
I just need to help. Your help helping me to
reimagine what a healthy I don't even know what a
(36:50):
healthy relationship looks like. I'm going on these dates, but
I don't even know how to show up myself. Yeah,
And so it's a safe space for us to dream,
like dream what type of girlfriend you want to be,
Dream what type of wife you want to be, Dream
how you want to show up for your children, And
that way that confidence comes back where you you go
on a date and he's like, well, what are you
looking for? You've already dreamt it, you've already imagined it,
and you have a chance to communicate what it is
(37:10):
that you're looking for. So that confidence comes in a
way that he's like, ooh, you know this is a
package I'm looking for because you know what you're and
it's not somebody kind of helping you to define it,
and then you go down this rabbit hole of going
down something that you're not looking for. Everybody has a dream,
so we want them to have a dream as well.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
If you could go back and talk to let's say
you're twenty one year old self, me, you about to
venture on this journey of dating and life and love.
What advice would you give yourself at twenty one?
Speaker 3 (37:38):
That's great, So let's see at twenty one, I think
I was looking more for fun, the fun side.
Speaker 6 (37:43):
I was looking for somebody. Fine. You know, I had
a great career.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I had plenty of money at that time, which was great,
you know, living on my own. I just was looking
for somebody. It wasn't really like a long term type
of thing. I just wanted to say, ooh, I like
looking at him type of thing, and if we had
a good time together, that was great. But now I
realized that we're going through that longevity someone who has
some integrity at the core. All of those things are important,
they really are.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
So what would you say, so you're twenty one year
old self, which you can go.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Back, I'd say, look for fun, but also look in
the perimeter of the room. It's not always that one
that's standing in the middle that you know everybody's eyes
are on. So around the perimeter there are some gems.
So that's what I would look for.
Speaker 4 (38:23):
What would you say, Yeah, gosh, I would say, back
to my twenty one year old self, I don't. I
was not the confident woman that I am today. And
I think that uncovering those insecurities much earlier on and
working on them. Once I worked on those insecurities, I
arrived into you know, this confident woman standing before you.
(38:47):
I just feel like I would I wish I would
have done that much earlier, just knowing that a man
doesn't complete me at an early age. I think that
culturally we would think that you know you, the goal
is to be a mom, and the goal is to
be married, and the goal, well, that's a goal for
some right and I think it was my goal. However,
(39:10):
I wanted to be complete before that, not him completing me.
So I would love for the twenty one year olds
to uncover what their challenges are work on those before
they embark on any type of relationship.
Speaker 6 (39:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
I think that's such good advice.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
This has been such a great conversation with learned a
lot has been insight folks. I didn't even know matchmaking
was a thing in the community. And I'd love this
spend that you put on it, that we're creating black
families and helpings. That is, it's had such credo in
our community and been our safety. Yeah we discovered yeah,
(39:48):
but safety with each other. Yeah, we find safety with
each other. So if you are out there looking for love,
I think these ladies just gave some great advice and.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
The advice I would give. I'm not a matchmaker or
an expert.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I'll take this as you will, but build the life
that you want. A phrase that is commonly used, this
is not an original for me, but the love of
your life should be the love of your life, and
you have to know where to put that emphasis. The
love of your life should be the love of your life,
and then you attract love to you. So if you
become love instead of trying to seek love, I hope
(40:23):
that love will be attracted to you. So thank you
for tuning into this episode of Across Generations, and we
will see you back next week with an all new episode.
Across Generations is brought to you by Wolf Packer and
Wilpacker Media in partnership with iHeart podcast I'm Your host
and executive producer Tiffany d. Cross from Idea to Launch
Productions executive producer Carla will Maris. Produced by Mandy B
(40:46):
and Angel Forte, editing, sound design and mixed by Gaza Forte.
Original music by Epidemic Sound Video editing by Kason Alexander
and Courtney Ding
Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of Black
women unite.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
We gather a season elder myself as the middle generation,
and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared
to engage or hear perspectives that no one else is happy.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
You know how we do. We create magic, Create magic.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Hi, everybody, my name is Tiffany Cross and I'm your
host of Across Generations.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Okay, so I have to be honest.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
One of my least favorite topics of conversation on this
show is anything to do with dating. It's just that
I get exhausted with the subject popping up in any
of my social media feeds, with these so called experts
giving advice that more often than not they're not really
qualified to give. But there must be something to it
because lots of people have thoughts, opinions, and most importantly
for today's show quests, everybody wants somebody. And in the
(01:03):
United States, seventy one percent of adult black women and
sixty four percent of Black men are not married.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Yet a lot of y'all out there are looking for love.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Well, I was surprised to learn about this age old
dating profession that has apherently re emerged as an efficient,
although lesser known alternative to swiping right.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
And that's matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
So we're going to discuss that today because I have
a lot of questions about what qualifies one to do this,
how does this work? And I have two ladies who
are here to help me sift through it. So today
we are excited to welcome to the show Kelly Fisher
and Tanna Gilmore, better known as the Matchmaking duo with
over a decade of experience, Kelly and Tanna are nationally
(01:42):
recognized certified matchmakers, authors, and relationship coaches. Now they specialize
in helping professional singles find love by combining modern matchmaking
techniques with time tested relationship advice. Their work is in
power countless couples individuals to discover meaningful and we're thrilled
to have them on across generations to discuss the generational
(02:04):
differences in love and dating and all my silly questions.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
You both here, Thanks for having us us. I'm really
happy guys here.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
So just so you guys know, before the show, we
were chatting because we have a fam you alum.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Here throwing you rattlers out there.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yes, yeah, no, y'all would want me to say that, Yes, yes,
I'm so thrilled to have you guys here. One of
the things though, that you heard me say in the answer.
I get so frustrated with all these people who like
say something looking wantonly in the camera with slow music
over it, giving advice and calling themselves coaches. And everybody
(02:43):
calls themselves a coach. But what qualifies one to do this?
Speaker 2 (02:46):
What qualifies you guys to do this?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Like draw for me the distinction between you guys and
anybody with a microphone on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Wow, there's so many things that qualify us. I think
one is life experience, So I think we started with that,
and also the fact that Tanna and I both had
our own individual struggles and dating and people kind of
watched our journeys and watched our relationship struggles and how
we came back. And then we're certified life coaches, certified
relationship coaches, and then we also started our own matchmaking
(03:16):
school called Love Pro University, where now we certify matchmakers
and coaches to do what we do. But really more
in the space of people of color.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Well, what goes into getting certified. What does that mean?
Speaker 4 (03:29):
So it's interesting because once Kelly and I had our
own struggles within our own individual relationships, we decided, you know,
we're really good at this. People started to come to
us for advice. So we went through a certification school
World Coaching Institute to be certified in life coaching. I mean,
I think that there's life in relationships, right, So we
(03:50):
certified in life coaching and then relationship coaching, and then
coupled that with day coaching. And then once we started
to help so many women, they were like, you know,
we were love to meet somebody now that I'm feeling better,
now that I'm empowered and I'm my best self.
Speaker 5 (04:05):
You know, who do you all have to introduce me to?
Speaker 4 (04:07):
But we're like, no, we don't have anybody, but that's
a line out of that we can do. So then
we flew to New York and we became credential with
the Matchmaking Institute Global Love Institute is what it's called
now and then so it's you know, it took us
a while to get our We wanted to step out
with the right credentials to say that, you know, we're
certified to do this not only that, but like Kelly said,
(04:29):
we have the life experiences to back us up.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
But what is like specifically in the certification process, Like,
what is something that they're arming like a tool? You
guys both have undergraduate and I think graduate degree, yes,
so like there are things that you learn that you
took away in school. I'm just curious the certification process,
what is like the scientific method or something that they're
teaching you.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Yeah, so I would say that with coaching, though, in
any coaching program, you're you are not a therapist. You
help someone start from where they are and arrive into
where they're going. So you help them uncover what it
is that they need. So you know, a lot of
open ended questions, a lot of probing questions, So you
learn questioning, powerful questioning. So you learn that technique, and
(05:14):
you learn listening skills, you know, showing empathy and compassion
in those types of things, just to be able to
better relate with somebody as you they're sitting in front
of you, we're across from you, or wherever. And so
those are some of the skills that you learn with coaching.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
Yeah, I think I was going to say also with
matchmaking though, so coaching, and then we segue into matchmaking,
so we're you know, blending lifestyles. We're saying, okay, where
are you today, but where do you want to be
in the future, and kind of matching all of those things.
So hobbies, lifestyles, you know, do you want children, do
you want to be married, all of those things. So
it's not just hey, let me just put two single
people together, you know, which I think a lot of
(05:49):
people even know at the you know, holidays or something,
somebody might say, hey, you're single.
Speaker 6 (05:54):
You're single, let me just put you together. But that's
not the same.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
I mean, you're really trying to match for a long
term success, which is our culture for our business.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
Yeah, you know, we have our clients come in and say,
you know what, paint us a picture of how you
envision your life to look, right, and we proude ourselves
and our agency is giving them more of what they
need versus what they want, because a lot of times
you think that oh I want this, this and this
and this, but that's not necessarily what you may need.
You think that, oh, gosh, I've envisioned my partner to
look like this, to be this way, but that isn't
(06:24):
going to work for you long term, So let us
help you uncover what that looks like, paint a picture
of it, and then find someone that matches the same
end goal. So that's what it is. It is a
science behind it, even though love is not an exact
science because you're dealing with emotions and feelings and all
of that, right, but there is a science of how
you partner somebody for compatibility. We can't control chemistry though compatibility.
(06:49):
We got that online.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Yeah, yeah, I noticed both you guys are married.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Yes, yes, recently married. Yeah, you're married.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Boy. The tactics that you give your clientients in your
own search in romance.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Yeah, Well it's funny because we always, I guess, in
a lot of different industries. A lot of times you're
you're the worst person, like so we should be a
financial consultant or whatever. Most of the time their money
is not right. But the same thing with matchmaking, you know,
and Tanna would be like, oh, do this, do that,
But it's so funny. I ended up matching myself. So
I ended up reconnecting with someone on Facebook and we
(07:23):
went to college together and made my own match. So yeah,
so he's in Detroit. It was kind of on our
show Love Love Match Atlanta and Bravo. But yeah, so
he's in He was in Detroit. I was Atlanta, and
then you know, we did the long distance thing for
many years and then we got married last year and
I moved to Detroit. But our headquarters is still in Atlanta.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So you slid in the DM split in the DM
all the way. I was interesting. I know a few
people who have connected people don't.
Speaker 6 (07:50):
I don't know why people don't do that.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
I mean, you're already connected, you have connections, you can
you know, kind of fact check, yeah at that point.
So I don't know why people don't even just use
dms and social media. Yeah, warm introduction, you know, it's
like a warm introduction.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
What What is the average age of somebody who comes
to you?
Speaker 4 (08:08):
I would say historically it's been about thirty five to
fifty five, but we've been seeing them younger lately, really, Yeah,
which is rich is a twist in the trend, right,
So they're realizing at a much younger age that I
really struggle in this area. I really need some support
and some help, So let me seek matchmaking.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
What's this specific service that they're coming to you for,
like are you just making the intro and then you're.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
No, it comes to us for a matchmaking. Everybody that
probably comes to us, no one really comes to us
every once in a while and say, you know what,
I think I need some day coaching. You know, they
don't feel like they need it. Just find me this person.
This is what he looks like, this is what he makes,
this is what he this is how TALLI is. Find
me this man's let me slide you this check and poof.
(08:53):
It doesn't work like that, it doesn't. But but the
way that our business works is that everybody that goes
through our program has to endure coaching with us because
it's a disservice for us to sit you across the
table from someone and you don't have any conflict resolution,
you don't have any communication skills. You don't have you
can't even transition the relationship from the first date to
(09:15):
a committed relationship. So if you don't have those tools,
it's a disservice for me to sit you across from anybody.
So again they have to go through coaching a coaching
program with us.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
But once they go through the coaching, like if it's matchmaking,
like how are you pairing them? Like do men come
to you and then do you take? Like it's like
we have this bucket of men, who's looking. We have
this bucket of women and we're gonna decire.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
So a lot of matchmakers do things differently. We're twelve
plus years and at this point, so we've discovered early
on that we don't match clients a client because when
you just say, okay, we're going to match clients and client,
it has to be from this pool of people. And
we're national, so we may match clients and client, but
we may have to go and actually heart hunt we
call it on your behalf, So we might have to
go and say, okay, let me go. We have recruiters
(09:57):
really all lovely aisons that work for us, and so
they're always social and out doing different things. So we
may have to send them to a fraternity event. We
may have to send them to golf, you know, golf
outing and bring us more singles that match their lifestyle.
Speaker 6 (10:09):
Wow. Yeah, we don't do clients to client, but some
matchmakers do.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
And how much are your services.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Anywhere from five thousand to twenty five thirty thousand, So
It's funny that most of the time that we have
a waiting list for the premium service, so people at
them by the time they come to us sayre like, look,
I'm investing in this and I'm ready to have do
something different. So that's our ideal client, someone who's ready
to do something different and listen.
Speaker 6 (10:33):
So that's a whole diff story.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Yeah, exactly from that five to twenty five thousand, Like,
what are you committing.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
To the client?
Speaker 5 (10:41):
So let me let's just say this. There's no guarantees.
Speaker 7 (10:43):
Okay, you're right, yeah, in life, no guarantees in life
or this program, right, so we can only the only
thing we can guarantee you is if you subscribe to
a matchmaking program that we're going to, you know, pair
you with somebody that you are compatible with that we've
we've uncovered, we decided that together this is who you need.
Speaker 4 (11:02):
We're gonna pair you with somebody with that. But again,
there are no guarantees that we can't guarantee you you're
gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
Yeah, even in an exclusive relationship.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Usually that's the goal, and we've been highly successful about
eighty nine percent of sex rate doing that.
Speaker 5 (11:15):
But it's not you know, I.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Mean ass in people that you connect, they end up marrying.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
Well, so they either end up in a relationship or
end up marrying. Because sometimes we get clients that come
to us and they haven't had a date in five
years or or or ever wherever.
Speaker 5 (11:34):
We have virgins and absolutely.
Speaker 6 (11:36):
Never had a kiss all that.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Yeah, I'm talking about high profile, but they've done so
many things and their career and just kind of push,
you know, love to the side.
Speaker 5 (11:44):
So that's when the pross goes up because we're.
Speaker 4 (11:46):
Starting at you're starting that grassroots, like you have to
teach you from the bare bones grassroots.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
So you've never had a kiss, it's.
Speaker 6 (11:55):
No judgment, no judgment.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
So it's like, okay, let's take that in. Let's develop
a program that's going to give you. Okay, step one,
this is where we are. Step two this is you know,
so again that's how it works with us.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Yeah, let me give you the inside track though that
from matchmaking that people don't understand when they hire us.
They're like, Okay, I want this, this and this, but
we on the other side don't know who's gonna like you, right,
So it's like people want to guarantee, but we could
have ten people lined up, but if they don't, you know,
like you, because people are very particular, they may want
somebody more curvey, they may want someone who's more outgoing.
Speaker 6 (12:27):
So I mean, we can't guarantee.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
So that's why we don't do guarantees because they're like, Okay,
I want the twenty five thousand things, but we don't
know we may have those people, So, like I said,
we'll have to add to our inventory in our community.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I'm struck by you saying like matchmaking is not therapy
and may so because it's making me rethink some of
the people I've seen on social media. So is stuf
they're saying, I'm like that, you're just getting to the surface.
But maybe that's what they're trying to do. A lot
of times, I think people's challenges in the dating world
is because you haven't had that journey home to your
(13:00):
so you haven't gotten to those inner wounds. You haven't unpacked,
you know, and a lot of your standards are rooted
in shallow things that you don't even know who you are.
Speaker 5 (13:09):
Yeah you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, but you're saying we don't need that.
Speaker 4 (13:13):
Yeah, I mean, we have real life experiences, you know,
my husband and I have been together for twenty two years.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
We just celebrated twenty graduation. And how did y'all meet a.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Slid in his damn to a black planet like something
years ago? Yeah, and so, and we've been rocking all
this time. We went through some challenges. We separated for
two and a half years, so you know, we were
kind of doing our own thing out there, getting our
toes wet and other experiences for two and a half
years and worked our way back together. So I mean,
(13:44):
you know, there's some health challenges that were happening along
the way. So when you talk about a couple that
has been through it, we have real life. So you know,
you can't sit in front of me and say, oh,
you wouldn't believe you know what I've been going through.
Speaker 5 (13:57):
Yes we will between the.
Speaker 4 (13:59):
Two of us, right, we got yes, nothing that our
clients can come to us and say if they've gone
through that we one have an experience or help someone
with it. And this is without us being credential just
because of life and who we are and using wisdom
and discernment in all of those things.
Speaker 3 (14:17):
Right, and I think thousands of clients later, So we
have so many different scenarios that we've learned from other people.
So you know, we learn a lot from our clients
too and their experiences. So and my story is I was,
you know, divorced. I was married for many years, a
single mother of three. So after I was divorced, so
my youngest was two, I moved from New Jersey to
Charlotte and started over and so I was out in
(14:39):
the dating streets as a single mom. So this was
a whole different at that different season in my life.
I had to rediscover myself and say, Okay, who am
I now? I'm different than when I, you know, was
single before. So just trying to rediscover who I was
and showing up as a different person. So and with children,
so that's a whole different story, right have they disitors
lined up?
Speaker 6 (14:58):
Nanny's all of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
So and discernment around who's around yourself.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Exactly and girls, yeah, I mean not that, but definitely daughters.
I know this is something where I'm like, Okay, nobody
can come into my space and I'm not introducing anybody
until a certain time. So all of those things when
we come into you know, single parents that come to us,
we both kind of can have conversations about that.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah, I think when I asked about success rate, because
when you said younger people are coming now, and you know,
I think on twenty some things, it's like, maybe your
your success rate isn't like I ultimately want to get
married to this person, who's so much a part of
(15:38):
dating is learning who you are, learning what you like,
learning what works for you, learning how to establish boundaries,
you know, confidence, right, yeah, we were great and self love,
you know, like that's part of that journey home. Do
you find a big difference between what younger women are
looking for, like maybe if they're younger than thirty five
(15:58):
versus what a fifty five year A.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
Yeah, there is a significant difference. And I'll tell you what.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
So someone that's younger, they've what we've learned is that
the younger women now are fast tracking as well, Like
normally they have advanced degrees by the time they come
to us, even at thirty, you know, they've already established
in their career and they realize, you know what, I
really want to get married and I really want children,
(16:23):
and so they're like, let me try to expedite this
process to see if I can get some.
Speaker 5 (16:26):
Support in doing that.
Speaker 4 (16:28):
But then then we have our fifty five year olds,
right that are they're they're done having children, maybe they're
on their second divorce, and they're like, you know what
this is. I don't even know what this looks like
right now. This is so different from me Dayton today.
I don't know what I'm doing. So I need some
support in that. And yes I want They may not
necessarily want to be married, but they want to partner
(16:49):
and a companion and that in that face. So that
that generation, yeah, that retirement yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
You know, well yeah, the younger generation, I think the
pace is definitely different. So when you talk about they
have grown up with technology. Yeah, so you know, they're
on dating online, they're texting, they're not having you know,
real emotional connections, and so I think that's a lot
of times where they struggle because it's like, okay, let
me just see the next one, let me do this,
let me they're you know, dating.
Speaker 6 (17:13):
Someone, they can meet someone on the Tuesday. That doesn't work.
I'm going to meet somebody else on a Friday. And
so that's a little bit different.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Where you know, the more seasoned generation they come to
us and they want to have that personal connection. They
want to just say, okay, let's meet for dinner, let's
do and then everybody else is moving so fast, so
we almost have to speed up their pace because you
know they're wanting to just really have a genuine connection.
But still the pace of dating right now is a
lot faster than you know what they may have remembered
(17:40):
what I what.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
I noticed a lot and this is mostly from women
younger than meet and talking to them.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Finances seem to be a big deal.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
One.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
He got to make this much money, he has to
do this. And I just find, as somebody a little old,
I'm forty five, and as somebody who's you know, live
to have my own experiences, I wonder. And it's nothing
wrong with that, it's nothing wrong with wanting your financial equal,
but I just wonder when it gets down to life.
(18:08):
You know, you talk about you and your husband going
through hard times and some hell challenges, and it's like,
who is going to wipe your behind when you can?
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Yes, like going to.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Be the seven figures who works all the time, And
it might be yeah, and seven figures all the time,
which we've realized doesn't mean they can be seven figures
in debt.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
And so we don't even take that. They're like, Okay,
it has to be this certain salary, and we stay,
wait a minute, It's not about the number. Yeah, it's
about the lifestyle. It's about who's there for you. It's
about financially responsible. Yeah, and who has that emotional connection
to withstand the ups and downs, you know, of dating
and relationships and eventually marriage.
Speaker 6 (18:46):
Right.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
You know it's interesting because you were saying that, like
you really want someone that will wipe your behind. Yeah,
I mean that, and if something happens that they're going
to be there and they're not going to walk out
and they're not going to leave or you know, Heaven
forbid you in a car accident and in a you know,
paralyzed in a wilchair.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
Anything.
Speaker 4 (19:03):
Anything can happen. It's happened in my family, it's happened
in our life. And so you know, you want someone
that's going to, you know, say, I'm rocking with you,
I committed to this and I'm rocking with you. I'm
rolling with you all the way to the end, Like
we're gonna die married to each other.
Speaker 5 (19:17):
Yeah right, yeah, that's that's how we're rolling. We're to
each other.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Yeah, I'm married to each other whatever is, we're gonna
fix it, work it out. And we have issues too,
but no, we're rocking to the end.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Well, I want you to share what you feel comfortable sharing.
But what was the most challenging time in your marriage,
whatever you go through?
Speaker 4 (19:36):
Yeah, so, oh gosh, So I would start with, you know,
we're a blended family. So we had blended family of five.
I came in the relationship with two boys and then
and my husband was raising three children from his previous
marriage and two were biologically his and then the oldest
daughter was his his ex wife's daughter from her first relationship,
(19:58):
but he had all three. Yeah, so we were a
whole blended family at the Brady Bunch almost. And so
we had some personality conflicts early on, and then we
had children or with you guys or everyone, yeah, everybody, everybody.
And then we later I traveled a lot for work.
We had some infidelity in our marriage on both sides.
Speaker 5 (20:18):
What else.
Speaker 4 (20:19):
My husband had a stroke, so we when we apart,
when we took a separation for two and a half
years and worked our way back together. Eight months later
he had a massive stroke. And so you know, I
have I have people saying you know, you should just
bounce now.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
And I was like, no, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
What, we worked for this, we put we put this
marriage back together. We're on rocking to the end. So
and that's yeah. So until he was better, until he
was able, and he has you know, a disability and
some slight paralysis on the right side, but we're rocking.
He drives, I mean, we have an active life. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
So yeah, it's what it is.
Speaker 4 (20:52):
But that was, you know, that was a very difficult
time in our marriage. And I think for me being
able to trans transfer from being a caregiver being a
wife to a caregiver back to being a wife. So
that was the transition that was, like whoa life changing
(21:14):
for me.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
What you're describing is love.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Yeah. I think what a lot of people I hear
a lot of people desiring is a long first date.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
And you know, you're not really ready for that strong conversation.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
You know, you ain't ready to be wiping being somebody
and that is like women's speech.
Speaker 7 (21:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
So I'm so grateful to you for this platform to
share the intimacies of your marriage.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I think that's what people want to hear.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
What for you this you're early on and so but
I hear, this is your second marriage, that's so different.
But I hear like that first year can be challenging,
but this is the second go round. So what's been
the most challenging part for you.
Speaker 3 (21:58):
Well, I'm thinking of the whole a most challenging part overall.
And I was just thinking of the time when, you know,
just being divorced and I was talking about being suddenly
this single mom that had relocated and starting over again
and being back into the dating world. I was like,
you know, trying to fight not being bitter Betty, right,
So I wanted I was so resentful that Okay, well
he's not here. You know, he's not able to help
(22:19):
with the children. I'm lugging them all around. And that
can impact your dating life too, So you know, you're
showing up mad at the world, you know, mad at men,
and you know, so I think just doing that whole
internal work, spiritually, mentally, working out, just trying to find
the confidence and the fun in life again, because bringing
that to somebody is not helpful. So that was really
(22:39):
the most challenging part, is making that transition and really
rediscovering myself to be able to you know, be that
fun part and actually it was more fun discovering this
next part of my life then, you know. But it
was definitely a journey that you know, we always welcome,
you know, helping people through.
Speaker 5 (22:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (22:56):
Yeah, So that was definitely the hardest part for.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
The people who aren't you have to have eighty nine
percent successfully. For the people who are not successful, what
has been the challenge there?
Speaker 3 (23:05):
I think one of the biggest challenges is that they
come and they just want to like Tanna mention, just
give us a check and say, hey, you have this
crystal ball, just find me this man or this woman,
and they don't want to listen. They don't want to
make any changes. If you come to us and it's
already not working, then you know, we realize it's probably
not going to work anyway because you're not really you're
not really willing to make any changes. And so I
think that's really the biggest challenge. And people a lot
(23:29):
of times that come to us, they're pretty powerful, you know,
in work and life, and so they have to So
what we've done over time, we've decided, Okay, this is
not our ideal client. It's just not our ideal clients,
so we may not even take them on if we
realize that they're not someone who's going to be willing
to make a change.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
And do you did they get a refund?
Speaker 6 (23:48):
No refunds?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And what what are some things that you look for
when taking on a client, like, well, do you have
more men or women?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
We have more men, more men, We have.
Speaker 4 (24:02):
More women that come to us. So things that we
look for that would identify if they're a great client.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
Was that the question? Yeah? You know, yeah, somebody that's
going to listen, someone that.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Like literally, do you say, are you a good listener?
Speaker 4 (24:15):
So we do, but we asked probing questions again we
were certified coaches. What we asked about their familiar with history.
We ask about what contribution did they have to the
failed relationship previously?
Speaker 5 (24:28):
Now if they're willing to admit.
Speaker 4 (24:29):
Something or be like noah, it was just them or
it was just everybody else, Yeah, that's not not going
to work for yeah.
Speaker 5 (24:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
We asked them, are you coachable? Will you listen to
us as experienced expert from a highly sought after agency
in this country. You came to us for a reason.
Are you going to listen? They're like, I'm gonna give
you some pushback you know, don't.
Speaker 5 (24:50):
We don't.
Speaker 4 (24:51):
We don't need that because you have to be This
is your investment if you want this to work. This
is how we do it. This is how we run
our business. This is how we've been successful. So either
you're gonna trust us with it or not trust us
with the journey. Now, though those who trust us with
the journey are you, They usually win. They usually say,
you know what, I'm going to hand it off to you.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I've had i
(25:13):
haven't been successful.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Do what you do.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
And those are the ones that are open every time,
and those are the ones that win every single time.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
I mean, you're dealing with people who can afford to
pay twenty five thousand dollars. Yeah, And I'm saying though,
these are type a personality, you know something, Yeah, like
they have coordinated their life right and a certain way,
and they were successful professionally because they were the quarterback
on everything and I got this figured out.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
So I would imagine it's challenging the woman like that.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
It is, But what we tell them is, look how
long it's taken you to get where you are.
Speaker 6 (25:50):
So that wasn't overnight.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
So we hit This is a process too, that you
have to be willing to take that journey to, you know,
learn some new skills, try something different, Maybe date somebody
you wouldn't you know, have normally you met. Yeah, and
just kind of go from there.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah, I mean you wanted do you want something different
to happen? Right, and this is your end goal? Allow
us to help you reach that end goal. It hasn't
worked for you all this time on your own. Yeah, yeah,
trust an expert.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Well, there are a lot of people out there too,
because I'm aware that to some people listening, this may
sound like a very elitist conversation, you know, and like
love is not exclusive to you know, people who make
six and seven figures rs and you know, have degrees
or advanced degrees. And so I'm curious what advice you
might give somebody in your you know, the age range
of your clientele who can't afford five thousand dollars or
(26:38):
fifty but they too desire partnership.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
What piece of advice would you give them?
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Yeah, I would say just being more open. Just being
more open sometimes. I mean people come to us for
many different challenges. One maybe they don't have, you know,
the confidence to have a conversation. Maybe go out and have,
you know, give one hundred smiles today. You know, maybe
whatever it is that your challenge with, you know, maybe
go ahead and challenge yourself to do things differently. Maybe
you've been dating the same type of person all the time,
(27:02):
So go to different places, go a different way home,
you know, go to different communities and different events that
you wouldn't normally have gone to. So you have to
whatever it is, you have to make a shift.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
Well, I you said be more open, and I didn't
ask y'all do you all mostly deal with black folks?
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Are not exclusive to block, but that's the majority of
our business.
Speaker 5 (27:20):
Okay, why I like that?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
So when you say be more open, what do you
say about dating outside the race?
Speaker 5 (27:34):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (27:35):
I've always said it, and Kelly and I both said
that your gift may be wrapped in a different package
of bowl, you know. So I think it's important that
you be open just in case. Right, and so, but
most of our clients come to us they want a
black man. We't want a black woman. And here's what
we have found is that even the men that have
come to us recently, they're saying, you know what, ladies,
(27:56):
you guys are my last stop before I go overseas
because as my friends are doing it, they're going overseas,
going to d R or wherever, and they're bringing back
a wife because they're like that we can't find what
we're looking for here or whatever. We're like, just give
us a shot.
Speaker 5 (28:10):
We have so.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Many conversation you don't want to know about. Yeah, this
conversation and we're seeing you know, but we're almost being
with them, you know, but just give us an opportunity
and the ones that trust us with it. We had
a marriage last October, we have one coming up this February,
and there's nothing coming up this June. They've trusted us,
but they have each come to us and said you
(28:31):
all are my last stop.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
That is what I don't like about that. It's kind
of it sounds petulant almost.
Speaker 5 (28:37):
You know, because we're here, but is there.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I don't want to be dismissive of these brothers because
it's their fair feelings, but it does sound petulant to me, like,
you know, you guys didn't have what I wanted, so
I'm leaving you.
Speaker 4 (28:52):
Know how that.
Speaker 3 (28:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Like you got a black mama, black sister, a black daughter, Like,
how is that living in service to our community?
Speaker 7 (29:03):
How?
Speaker 2 (29:03):
I don't like it?
Speaker 6 (29:04):
But no, but serve you this.
Speaker 5 (29:07):
So let's be clear, because if we're being transparent on this.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
Platform, we can be rough sometimes.
Speaker 5 (29:13):
I mean, let me tell you something.
Speaker 4 (29:15):
So we're black women, we love our sisters, and we
started this business for us, you know so, but some
of us can be at a bit much like we
come with so many lists of demands. We come with
expecting to be the passenger princess or to be this
and that, and not really wanting to give a part
of ourselves into the relationship. And so some men are
(29:39):
just tired of it, that's what they're telling us.
Speaker 5 (29:41):
They're tired of you.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
Yeah, and I think too, it's a lot of coaching
that we do. Yeah, we really do coach because a
lot of times when you think of it as black girls,
and I can't speak to everybody's experience, but of course,
you know we've grown up. You know, black girls a
lot of times is what you hear from your family,
what you hear from your friends, and you know, go
get your education, do that. Don't worry about a man
even younger, Like I said, I have three daughters, So
just watching them going to predominantly white schools you know
(30:05):
where we lived, you know, just watching the whole dynamic
of dating. You know, the parents of the friends would
be like, oh, so and so's you know, boyfriends coming over,
and then for us it's like, oh no, you're not.
Don't even look at anybody, you know, that type of thing.
So the difference in growing up is almost letting them
know that you can be loving and all of that,
and nobody gives us permission at any time to be like,
you know what, now you can be sexy, Now you
(30:26):
can be loving, all of that. So it's really us
given us and our sisters permission to be sexy, be
permission to be fun, all of those things. Nobody ever
tells you when to turn the switch off.
Speaker 6 (30:36):
Yeah, right, I think.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
But honestly, that sounds like that is rooted in your
journey home to self love. Yes, And if you're doing
that for the sole purpose of attracting a partner, I'm
not sure how sustainable that is. Like there has to
be a component to I'm bringing love to myself. I
love myself and if I so happen to find a partner,
if I want to be intentional to use this matchmaking service. Great,
(30:59):
And I'm struck about what you're saying about some of
these men, because I think about us as a people.
But I'll talk about black women and all of our
beauty and all of our glory and all of our
pain and our trauma and our agony and all that
we carry.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Black men, I know y'all carry pain too. We carry
it with you.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And so if you want to go out and date
a non black or non Black American woman, don't involve
us in that you're doing that because that's what you
want to do that you don't but don't involve because
they are all types of black women. We're not a
homogenous future people we have. Certainly there are commonalities with us.
But this whole idea of well, this group of black women,
(31:36):
I data I don't like. So I'm gonna go out
outside and do this. You doing that because you want
to do that.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
That ain't got nothing.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Because all we ever wanted to do was love y'all.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
Them.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
But I will say we have to be more free
in the dating process, like even from date one. From
date one, it's okay to give them a compliment, Okay
to say oh you are handsome, Oh you smell great,
like it's okay. I think a lot of times we
kind of hold it back culturally. It's like, okay, let
me just wait. I'm gonna wait, and then when he
proves himself, I'm gonna just unleash his whole Pandora's box.
And that's not how the trend of dating is. Whether
(32:14):
we want to move it that way or not, we
have to go with the trend. The trend is first date,
second date, you know, give some feedback like I'm so
proud of you. That's what they're looking for on both sides.
So a lot of times they'll leave a date and
they'll say, well, I don't even know she liked me
or not. I don't really and so she hadn't said anything.
She comes back and tells us, oh my god, he
was final. You know, we had a great time.
Speaker 6 (32:33):
He made me.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Let no tell him, tell him from day one.
Speaker 4 (32:38):
It's fear, yeah, rejection, yeah, all of those things. Yeah,
only because we don't want to be perceived a certain way. Right,
So you hear this term, Oh I don't want to
look too thirsty, or I don't want to be aggressive,
or I don't want to appear certain.
Speaker 5 (32:55):
It is okay, you're not thirsty, you're interested.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
But and those are the women that win every time
because they're showing interest. You know how many men tell
us like I love it when a woman compliments me,
or I love it when she initiates the conversation or
she asks for my number.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
They love it yourself. I might not like you, but
I can say you hang in that souper, you look.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
So so the woman that embraces that, she has the
option to say yay or nay.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
What do you say to women about sex?
Speaker 5 (33:33):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (33:34):
Well, so and so Again, as far as sex, we
have some clients that end up. You know, they have
a first day on Friday and they're still together on Monday,
you know, because they've gotten it in all weekend long.
Speaker 5 (33:48):
That's on them. But what we do.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
Tell them is that just know that if you initiate
sex early, there's an expectation.
Speaker 5 (33:56):
You can't really get that back.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
So again, you've already embarked into a different sphere and
the relationship may shift or change, and it may be.
Speaker 5 (34:04):
For the better and it may not be.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
But just so you understand that you're making a responsible
decision based on what you feel in this very moment.
Speaker 5 (34:13):
But you're grown.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Yeah, at fifty five grown. I don't know if you
can tell a fifty five year old a three month rule, right, yeah, yeah,
right in that point, Yeah, you have to.
Speaker 6 (34:26):
Well the thing, I mean, we've seen both.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
We've seen sometimes, like you said, somebody who hasn't had
a date in a minute, and they're like, look, I
need it all, like I don't even care. But then
we do have some clients that come to us because
they keep sleeping with someone too early and they're never
taken seriously. So in that case, I wouldn't suggest it,
because you're starting the cycle that you know, we want
them to see how amazing you are without sex.
Speaker 2 (34:47):
What would you say, ask too early?
Speaker 3 (34:49):
I'm talking about date in one or two, Yeah, you know,
and it's just continue and it just depends. I think
it's more with confidence because they're thinking, Okay, this is
going to keep them, or this is going to keep her.
Speaker 6 (35:00):
That's not what you're doing it.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Right, Well, I don't care if it's been two days,
two months, and two years, if you're having sex with
anybody to keep them again.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
So yeah, I wish we were special. That's not the
reason that they're saying.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
But all of the honestly, with hearing you guys talk
about some of these things, all of this comes back
to me as brokenness. Yes, you know, and I think
our brokenness in this country is very unique. And we
have navigated this space of being told that we are unintelligent,
that when we are unattractive, unmarriable, not.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Really sexualized.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Well, we can take it back to the plantation on
black men were lusted after and ledged how black women
were raped and beaten and bruised by oppressors. And we
carry that into these spaces of love. And that's really
what I would like us to see changed. You know,
we have to be the change. How can we change that?
So I get matchmaking like, yes, because black love is
(36:03):
defiant each other's more.
Speaker 4 (36:09):
I'm so proud of our culture and I'm so proud
to be just to be a part of it. To
be a contributor to our culture and promoting black love
and black families, that's probably the most rewarding part of
this business for us, For me, I can say for me,
because we have contributed to these black families.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
Yeah, that's that's one thing I didn't realize when we
started the business, you know, those things that come up
later that we're actually contributing to healthy families and healthy relationships.
A lot of people come to us and they've never
seen a healthy relationship, you know, whatever it might be,
whether their parents were divorced or the dad wasn't there
or the mom wasn't there. And they're like, you know what,
I just need to help. Your help helping me to
reimagine what a healthy I don't even know what a
(36:50):
healthy relationship looks like. I'm going on these dates, but
I don't even know how to show up myself. Yeah,
And so it's a safe space for us to dream,
like dream what type of girlfriend you want to be,
Dream what type of wife you want to be, Dream
how you want to show up for your children, And
that way that confidence comes back where you you go
on a date and he's like, well, what are you
looking for? You've already dreamt it, you've already imagined it,
and you have a chance to communicate what it is
(37:10):
that you're looking for. So that confidence comes in a
way that he's like, ooh, you know this is a
package I'm looking for because you know what you're and
it's not somebody kind of helping you to define it,
and then you go down this rabbit hole of going
down something that you're not looking for. Everybody has a dream,
so we want them to have a dream as well.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
If you could go back and talk to let's say
you're twenty one year old self, me, you about to
venture on this journey of dating and life and love.
What advice would you give yourself at twenty one?
Speaker 3 (37:38):
That's great, So let's see at twenty one, I think
I was looking more for fun, the fun side.
Speaker 6 (37:43):
I was looking for somebody. Fine. You know, I had
a great career.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I had plenty of money at that time, which was great,
you know, living on my own. I just was looking
for somebody. It wasn't really like a long term type
of thing. I just wanted to say, ooh, I like
looking at him type of thing, and if we had
a good time together, that was great. But now I
realized that we're going through that longevity someone who has
some integrity at the core. All of those things are important,
they really are.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
So what would you say, so you're twenty one year
old self, which you can go.
Speaker 3 (38:10):
Back, I'd say, look for fun, but also look in
the perimeter of the room. It's not always that one
that's standing in the middle that you know everybody's eyes
are on. So around the perimeter there are some gems.
So that's what I would look for.
Speaker 4 (38:23):
What would you say, Yeah, gosh, I would say, back
to my twenty one year old self, I don't. I
was not the confident woman that I am today. And
I think that uncovering those insecurities much earlier on and
working on them. Once I worked on those insecurities, I
arrived into you know, this confident woman standing before you.
(38:47):
I just feel like I would I wish I would
have done that much earlier, just knowing that a man
doesn't complete me at an early age. I think that
culturally we would think that you know you, the goal
is to be a mom, and the goal is to
be married, and the goal, well, that's a goal for
some right and I think it was my goal. However,
(39:10):
I wanted to be complete before that, not him completing me.
So I would love for the twenty one year olds
to uncover what their challenges are work on those before
they embark on any type of relationship.
Speaker 6 (39:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
I think that's such good advice.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
This has been such a great conversation with learned a
lot has been insight folks. I didn't even know matchmaking
was a thing in the community. And I'd love this
spend that you put on it, that we're creating black
families and helpings. That is, it's had such credo in
our community and been our safety. Yeah we discovered yeah,
(39:48):
but safety with each other. Yeah, we find safety with
each other. So if you are out there looking for love,
I think these ladies just gave some great advice and.
Speaker 2 (39:58):
The advice I would give. I'm not a matchmaker or
an expert.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
I'll take this as you will, but build the life
that you want. A phrase that is commonly used, this
is not an original for me, but the love of
your life should be the love of your life, and
you have to know where to put that emphasis. The
love of your life should be the love of your life,
and then you attract love to you. So if you
become love instead of trying to seek love, I hope
(40:23):
that love will be attracted to you. So thank you
for tuning into this episode of Across Generations, and we
will see you back next week with an all new episode.
Across Generations is brought to you by Wolf Packer and
Wilpacker Media in partnership with iHeart podcast I'm Your host
and executive producer Tiffany d. Cross from Idea to Launch
Productions executive producer Carla will Maris. Produced by Mandy B
(40:46):
and Angel Forte, editing, sound design and mixed by Gaza Forte.
Original music by Epidemic Sound Video editing by Kason Alexander
and Courtney Ding
Host
Tiffany Cross
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