December 23, 2025 • 49 mins
Angelyn Pass was an actress-turned-artist, making holiday ornaments in her Midtown studio, when a massive headache dropped her to the floor. Hours later she woke in Emory’s neuro-ICU, intubated, fresh from emergency surgery on a ruptured aneurysm. She spent weeks relearning, rebuilding and refusing to be defined by tubes and machines and she willed herself back to a craft fair barely ten days after discharge. But the real recovery began later: admitting the memory gaps, moving to start over, taking meticulous notes to be a better friend, finding purpose in helping others through legal casework, and—eventually—letting her creativity return on gentler terms. Angelyn didn’t see tunnels or light; she remembers “just nothing”—and from that void came a new vow: to stop chasing an identity and choose a smaller, kinder life she actually loves.
Story Producer: Nicholas Tecosky
Cover Art: Angelyn Pass
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psychopia Pictures
and iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
My name is Angeline Pass and I had a brain
ineurism that taught me that it's okay to have a
little life.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts
of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were
forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand
accounts of near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death.
Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories
(00:47):
to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please
keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering
for some listener, and discretion is advised.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
In twenty seventeen, I had been pursuing a career in
acting for a long time, and I had finally decided
that that just wasn't really happening for me, and I
(01:23):
had become disillusioned with trying to make money and trying
to make a living while pursuing that craft.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
One night, when.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I was feeling especially depressed about myself my current situation,
I had a bottle of wine and I had a
bunch of film negatives laying around I was looking through
pictures and I was like, you know, if I can't
be in film, then I'll cut it up and make
it do what I wanted to do. And so, you know,
(01:59):
very I as an actress, you know whatever. So I
started you know, cutting up film negatives. In those moments,
as I was cutting shapes out of them and such,
I realized just how beautiful film negatives exposed. Film is
on its own, and I started using it for collage
(02:20):
work and using it as a medium for design, and
then doing all of that, I ended up, you know,
finding something new creatively that I really connected to, and
that was doing you know, arts and then products crafts,
and I started selling my creations and formed a company,
(02:43):
and eventually a product line that really stuck with people
was a line of holiday ornaments. But I ended up
by twenty seventeen, I was basically making Christmas ornaments all
year round for wholesale clients to sell its shows, to
(03:05):
sell online, and that was my living. In my off time.
I was still working in film a little bit and
also making art, but Christmas ornaments were my niche and
so I had a studio outside of the home that
I would go to and work all day and I
(03:27):
was It was late September twenty seventeen September twenty seventh.
I was there making Christmas ornaments and I think I
was putting together a wholesale order at the time. I
was at my table and I went to stand up
to get some glitter or something, and I suddenly had
(03:49):
this incredibly sharp pain in my head was throbbing but
also like a searing pain at the same time, and
it was it was such a sudden and violent pain
(04:12):
that it actually I sat back down and knocked me
back in my chair. And I remember I was just
sitting there and I was like, what is this? Something's wrong?
Is this a migraine? Is this what a migraine is like?
I had never had a migraine before. It felt like
(04:33):
the worst headache I've ever had. So I'm sitting there
and it just kept getting worse. My vision started getting blurry,
and then it started getting dark. I can't remember how
long it was, but it couldn't have been but a
couple of minutes. I decided I needed to call my
fiance to talk to him and see if maybe he
(04:55):
would come pick me up. At the time, we shared
a car because we only worked like three miles from
each other. I was in Midtown, he was in Midtown,
and I had the car, but I knew he could
get to me quickly. So I left the studio because
it was in the basement of this building.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
This co working space.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I had my own little wing and I didn't have
cell phone service in my studio itself. So I left
my studio into this little hallway to get toward the
big back door by the dumpsters. I get to the
door and I call him and I was just like, Luke,
something's wrong. And I could barely see at that time,
(05:41):
the pain was getting worse. And I said, something's wrong,
like I described what the pain was, and he was
just like, I'll be right there.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
I'm coming.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So anyway, it wasn't long before he was there. I
think he got an uber. He kept me on the phone,
but I can't really remember that conversation at all. But
by the time he got there, I had collapsed on
the floor by the door. I couldn't, you know, stand up.
(06:19):
My everything felt like it was getting dark. I don't
even remember the pain in my head at that point.
I just remember everything kind of getting dark. But Luke,
he got me up and everything, and I walked outside
with him to the car and he drove me to
(06:42):
the er and all I remember from there is I
was sitting in the er like waiting area and I'm
sitting there with my like my head in my hands
because the light hurts. And I remember hearing these dies
who are there in the waiting room, and I guess
(07:03):
they're having a conversation and everything, and they're just laughing
and not at me or anything, but just they're like
cutting up and laughing and uh. And that's when I, uh,
I knew. I was like, oh my god, I'm I'm dying.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Like it was.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
It was one of those things. It was like completely.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Just knowing, like my body knew and and and then
I was like, I'm going to die and these guys
are laughing and in the waiting room, and that's when
I started screaming. So I just I just let it
loose and in the waiting room and started screaming. And
(08:00):
it was it was quickly that they got me back then,
you know. But after that, I just remember the pain.
The pain was horrible and uh. And then they they
put me under, they they gave me anesthesia, and then
everything went black. Everything's a bit fuzzy, especially like right
(08:20):
when I woke up, but I was intubated. I was
in the uh, the narrow I see you at Emory,
And of course I didn't know then, but they had.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
They had taken me back.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Into surgery and performed surgery on my ruptured brain aneurysm.
I had a very large scar on the left side
of my head, and I remember trying to touch it
and being told Matt. I also was very very upset
(08:58):
that there was something in my throat and my else
and I laughed because I ended up. I was very
agitated the first couple days. I didn't know what was
going on. I didn't know who all these people were.
Luke was there, my parents were there, my brothers were there.
(09:18):
But I didn't fully understand the weight of what had happened,
and I was just very frustrated. I couldn't talk, of course,
with the tube in my mouth, and if I tried
to communicate with anybody, I couldn't write down what was
(09:43):
what I was feeling or what I wanted to.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Say, And I remember that frustrated me more. I had
lost the ability to write.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
That went on for at least a few days. But
I remember during my time in the hospital being that agitated,
feisty gal. One night, my night nurse came in to
I think, to, you know, just check on me and everything,
and apparently I looked at him and I just pulled
(10:14):
my feeding tube out of my throat myself.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
You know, I'm laughing. It's terrible.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
He was very angry, but I pulled it out and
I fended him off while he was like, no, Angelaine,
don't do that. But I just pulled it out myself.
After that, they did not put the feeding tube back in.
(10:46):
I was in the hospital a total of between three
and four weeks, so it was late October when when
I was released. During that time too, I had had
what they can a brain vasospasm, so that is basically
when you're I'm gonna mess this up, but like the
(11:10):
veins in your head or whatnot constrict and so it
caused like a mini stroke and they had to go
in and I think they operated on me again. But
all in all, I don't have very many memories of
the hospital, especially like in the beginning. I do remember
(11:31):
they kept checking on, like the speech pathologist kept coming
in to see if how my vocalizations were going and
I did. Eventually I was able to speak. I was
still not able to write well, but found out that
was because of all the drugs I was on, I think,
and cognitively they were able to determine that I was
(11:55):
doing pretty okay for someone who had gone through a
ruptured brain aneurysm.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
And then the surgery.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And the end of October, we thought that I was
going to be taken from the neuro ICU into you know,
gen pop at the hospital, but found out like right
before that that move happened that no, they were releasing
me from the hospital.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
I was free to go home. And that was that was.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Really really uh really scary actually for me, but I'm
sure also for Luke. So right when I got out
of the hospital, I don't remember much except being weak
and being angry about that, and then very quickly all
of that turned into, oh my god, I have a
(12:50):
holiday season coming up. I have ornaments to sell. Like
you know, what's so crazy is that a week and
a half after I got out of the hospital, I
have not even getting to emotionally but physically, I have
a shaved head. I have a gash about four inches
(13:12):
long on my scalp. I am emaciated, and all I
could think of was that I have a show to
do to sell ornaments in a week and a half.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
And you know what's crazy is that I did it.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
I got out of the hospital around October twenty first,
and the first weekend of November I went to Chomp
and Stomp, which is this big show in Cabbage Town
in Atlanta where people are, you know, eating chili and
buying chotchkes and everything. My shaved head and huge gash
(13:57):
in my head and my in my scalp went and
sold Christmas ornaments at that show and I did.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Pretty well too.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
But beside the point I was right when I got
out of the hospital, I was still thinking, like, everything's fine,
Everything's fine.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
They fixed it.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I'm fine. I look like shit, but I'm fine. I
can still do this, and I have to do this
because this is my company. Like I worked really really
hard to be able to have a creative life, and
if I want to do this, then I have to
get through this holiday season.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
That's that's that's all the money.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
That that I'm going to make for the year that
that allows me to pursue art. So I I did
that I went through the holiday season as best as I.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Could, and and I would.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Have headaches, really bad headaches coming out of the hospital,
and of course there's that that fear of like is
it happening again?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Is this another one? When they went and you know,
and and cut into my head and everything. I think
that there was a tendon or something that was from
my jaw that had been severed too, So like my
jaw was very very sore, and so if I ever
(15:35):
talked much then my face would get just so sore.
And I was getting tired all the time.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
But I was still like, no, no, no, I have
to do this.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
This is you know, this is what I wanted, so
that that lasted through you know, Christmas. I somehow, I
still I don't know how I did it, but but
I did become that Christmas and come that the time
(16:09):
when things were quiet, then I uh was just left
to think about what happened. And I was still resisting it,
still not wanting to, you know, evaluate what was going on,
(16:30):
and to also admit that there were things that were
going on, like mentally too, of course, emotionally and mentally,
like I I couldn't remember things very well and that
was something that I had did not want to admit
to until I really had time to sit and think
(16:51):
about it. But but I couldn't. I was having conversations
with people that I just couldn't remember. I wouldn't meet
people and not remember them afterwards, and I started becoming
very aware of that. Also, around the same time, Luke
(17:12):
was offered a job in a different city when stayed over,
and he came to me and he was like, you know,
do you do you want to leave Atlanta? And I
jumped at it. I at the time I thought that
it sounded amazing. So it's like, you know what, No,
(17:32):
let me get away from all these people who knew me,
and let me get away. Let me go and hibernate
for a while, and let's get out of here. And
so we you know, the aneurysm happened September twenty seventh.
I got out of the hospital late October, and in
late January we were gone. And now looking back, it
(17:54):
was I know that it was running away, but at
the time I was just like, let's let's start something new.
(18:16):
Everything that was happening, you know, mentally, with not being
able to remember things, I started writing things down a lot,
writing everything down, Like I would have a conversation with
somebody and make a few notes, you know, Matt said this,
Matt's going to hear you know April got married. And
(18:40):
in that way too, I found that I was you know,
I would always refer back to my notes after having
a conversation if I was going to see somebody again,
be like, Okay, how can I be a good friend? Ah? Yes,
I remember this, but but funny enough, though it did,
it really really helped with with meeting new people and
(19:04):
with my friendships. Then that that I was finally that,
over a long period of time, was able to forge.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
In our new town.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I ended up becoming a much better listener than I
think I ever had been before. And and all that too,
I started becoming a better friend to people and even
started I mean, the Sun's a little weird to me even,
but I feel like I could empathize better with folks,
(19:41):
but also to be a better friend to people because
I then started really actually remembering things and not having
to write them down, even though I still was, but
I was able to remember remember what was going on
in people's lives and and follow up with them about it.
(20:03):
That's something that's something good that has come out of
this A good a good trait I think that I've acquired.
As life in the New New City started unfolding, I
realized that I there are certain things that I couldn't
run away from, and one of those was that I
(20:27):
didn't want to make things anymore, and that that was
very very different. But I had no no creative inspiration.
I didn't whenever I sat down at the page and
and was.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
Like, Okay, what design are we going to make today? Nothing?
Absolutely nothing, blank. But I wasn't upset about it either,
in a very very weird way.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
I should have like I feel like I judge it.
I judge it, and I like, oh, well, you should
want to have like this is your legacy, Angeline, this
is what you wanted to do. You wanted to be
a creative. I wasn't very kind to myself a lot
of times. But so there was a long time too
where I was just floundering a bit for what to
(21:17):
do with myself. I had, you know, started forging friendships
and focused on being a better friend to people and
being to being there more for folks in my life.
And eventually I heard about this an opening for contractors
(21:43):
for this litigation services company.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
So they were law adjacent.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
They worked with mass tort law firms, so a lot
like class action but you know, seeking justice for plaintiffs.
And it was you know, data and and stuff, and
I was like, yeah, for some reason, it piqued my interest.
So I ended up getting that job, getting some contract
(22:11):
work with this company, and I would you know, it
was data entry, but also doing you know, some more
analytical work, and doing that really really made me feel
feel alive again and feel like I was contributing something,
especially because the nature of the work was helping people.
(22:45):
I ended up working more full time for this company,
and I quickly got promoted to a project coordinator and
became a paralegal and was managing my own projects. I
ended up feeling very fulfilled doing this for a long time.
Eventually the creativity inklings started coming back. I had missed
(23:11):
them for a long time, but I finally started getting
ideas again. I thought that they were gone, but I
started doing things just you know, as a hobby. I
would make you know, a little project here, you know,
a little thing to brighten up the house there. And
(23:32):
so so I was doing that in Knoxville and and
and you know, doing my work, I started doing more
hobbies like hiking and stuff. And eventually though we Luke
and I. By the way, I haven't mentioned I married
(23:56):
this man. Of course, you know, I can't fully if
I've left that out. I mean, this dude was there
during hopefully the worst.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Time of our lives.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
And yeah, we got married in twenty eighteen, tiny little ceremony,
but uh but yeah, so we're still happy together. But
Knoxville turned out, you know, we had seven years there
(24:28):
about and then recently this past year we decided to
uh to move back to Georgia. But we've moved to
North Georgia now. And so I went from a big
city to it ran away to a smaller city and
(24:50):
now we live in the country about seven acres and
I have started I've started making ornaments again. I'm doing
my first show in seven years, like next weekend. So
I've opened the business back up again. Not in a
way that uh that I that I need to to
(25:11):
make things.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
To to to have a life like or to to
find meaning in my life by making things creatively, like now,
my meaning comes more from hanging out with Luke and
my family and friends.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
And just focusing on having a delightful little life.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Rather than you know, needing to be somebody. And I
know other people they experience when they have a near
(25:57):
death experience, they might see a light or or say that,
you know, they see something.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
I didn't at all.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
I everything it was. It was just nothing. And I'm
not even trying to be dramatic by saying that, Like
I think about it a lot, and I don't know
if that's I don't know, if you know then nothing
is a bad thing or not, like you know, there,
(26:34):
I know that there are times when we when we
might wish to just be able to be calm and
experience nothingness, But I don't know if that's also too.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
I don't know if that's the end all be all.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I don't know if that was just you know, that
they had given me drugs to and so that was
the amazing nothing that I felt. But but yet I
saw no light. I didn't see anything. And that's something
that I don't think you could ever, you know, prepare
yourself for or or understand unless you live that and
(27:13):
then come out on the other side of it.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
So when I think of the.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Future, I am just very focused on filling my cup,
so to speak, like filling it with beautiful and creative things.
As that's you know, as silly as that might sound.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Now, I go out and I see the art.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
I go and I experience plays without without judging the
actors on stage or you know.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
I watch shows just for the joy of it.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I relish in so much more that, so much more
beauty that is in the world that people put out
and celebrate.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Folks for daring to put things out there.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
I think we're so hard on people and so hard
on people for just trying, just trying, and really I
think that's all that we can do. And sometimes it
lands and sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, I just I want
to keep seeing beautiful things. I want to eat and
drink you know, art, and and travel and seeing new places,
(28:31):
even if it's you know, an hour away. It doesn't
have to be Italy or you know, Europe. It can
be the mountains, it can be your backyard even and
I want to I want to be close to my
family and and close to my friends.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
I think that that's the legacy.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Too that I want, is to to be good to people.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
This is a live again joining me for a conversation
about today's story or my other alive again story. Producers
Lauren Vogelbaum, Nicholas Dakowski, and Brent Die and I'm your host,
Dan Bush.
Speaker 6 (29:41):
I think that should be the last line of the road.
The round table is just Nick saying, just a long pause.
We should just do a show.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
We should do a show about an actor that survived
being an actor.
Speaker 7 (29:52):
Do they none of them get out.
Speaker 8 (29:57):
Like me with drinking. It's like, if I don't quit this,
it will murder.
Speaker 6 (30:01):
It could literally be like, so you're working at home
depot now, yep, yep, and you're happy with that?
Speaker 4 (30:06):
Yeah, yeah, much happier.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
So happy Angeline. Angeline was an actress. She talked about
she survived. Of course she didn't talk about this that
in the story, but.
Speaker 6 (30:18):
She talks about giving up on acting.
Speaker 7 (30:20):
Yeah, yeah, but a little bit. I had no idea
that she had gone through that. I was familiar with
the craft booth.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yeah, but yeah, it's wild and I think her work
is still hanging up at Midtown Cinema. Oh yeah, tell
us about how you came across this story, Nick, and
what drew you to it.
Speaker 8 (30:39):
I have known Angeline for an incredibly long time. As
a matter of fact, the first time I met Angeline,
she was on stage doing a show. It was just
a series of short plays, and I met her for
the first time there and we've we've been for i
(31:02):
mean sixteen seventeen years probably at this point.
Speaker 7 (31:06):
What is time?
Speaker 8 (31:09):
You can leave that one in. Yeah, I watched this
sort of Angeline stepped away from acting and started making
this incredible art using film negatives, I mean really beautiful,
intricate stuff, and really watched her, like, I mean, really
(31:30):
blow up. I mean, you know, she's like anybody who
has been a theater or film actor. You know, she
lived the struggle for a period of time, and like
a lot of theater and film actors, she finally reached
a point where she was like, this is bullshit. I'm
(31:52):
not gonna do this anymore. And she started doing this
other thing that was incredible and just different than everybody
else was doing. And you know, as a business it
really blew up. She was doing incredibly well, and I
remember when you know this happened to her, this brain aneurysm,
(32:12):
it was just kind of like it was I know
that it must have been devastating, not only to like
not be able to utilize your body in the same
way that you're used to, but to not do the
thing that you have been doing. To have that desire
sort of suddenly removed from you, I had to have
been really, really jarring. I mean I, you know, I write,
(32:35):
and if I couldn't write, I would be devastating.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I identified with her story on so many levels, but
one of them was specifically that I had something similar
happen to me. It wasn't a brain aneurism, and I
didn't almost die, but I had such a big crash
in my life with when I was working on one
particular film and I had a newborn in the home
and I was doing I was pulling in thirty hour
(33:03):
sessions without sleep at the age of forty five, and
by the time I got done with that stint of
in my life, I was this close to a divorce,
completely falling apart, like whatever markers indicate that your liver
is in trouble. Because I was drinking like a fish,
using adderall to keep going and then using alcohol to
pass out. And it was a stretch of me doing
(33:25):
this and I realized, like, what the fuck am I
doing this for? Why am I killing myself to make
a movie that's this not even going to be that good,
Like we didn't have enough resources or assets to really
pull it off, and.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
It caused this complete collapse.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Of my ego, Like I had to go, well, why
am I in the what ego driven narrative? Do am
I following here? That is making me risk my family
and my health to pull this off? And it was
a huge reckoning. And this was also leading up to COVID,
so there were other things that were happening that forced
me into this, into a very similar kind of situation
(34:03):
of going what is important? What is fucking important? Creating
stuff is important, but only to the degree that you're
giving back or fueling some sort of conversation in the community,
or all the wonderful things that art can do. But
if you're doing it just so you can have a career,
if you're doing it just so that you can you know,
and if it's killing you, then what you know? My
(34:24):
narrative had to be let go.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
And all of a.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Sudden, I found myself in the present moment, not in
a I'm not like a zen Buddhist, but I was like, oh, literally,
the sun is shining on me, there's a baby next
to me, that's awesome. My friends, I miss them desperately.
My wife I miss her desperately. And so I couldn't
completely relate to if not the aneurism part, then the
(34:47):
ego death part for Angeline. Does that make sense?
Speaker 8 (34:49):
Yeah, in the smallest way I can connect to that
because in like twenty seventeen, you have a similar thing. Oh,
I had a mini stroke. I had a tea that like,
for this is why it's nothing like angelan'ce. It's so
much smaller. But it was like a little taste of
it where I suddenly had full facial blindness and full
(35:13):
of phasia, could not read, could not like, could not speak,
and it lasted like a couple of hours, and literally
one of the first thoughts in my head was I
am never going to finish the project working on right now.
And it was the next you know, I went to
the hospital. They did all the tests. They were like,
(35:33):
there's no real damage, really minor. You are probably at
much higher risk for a stroke in the next six months.
So if this happens again, come directly to the hospital.
But this was many, many years ago. I'm no longer
that much at risk but great. I the next day,
(35:53):
I woke up and I was like, you know what,
maybe I should take a little easier on this project, right,
And then I think completed my journey on that one
was having a kid during the pandemic, having Zelda. It's
like I realized after a certain point, it's like most
of the work that I do now is just to
you know, so I can afford my life and a
(36:19):
happy life for my kid. And and I spend the
bulk of my free time not really thinking about the
work as much and more or drinking or fucking going
out and burning my candle at both ends. I come
home and I want to just kind of hang out
with my kid. And that's the whole point of doing
all that. Like, what's the point of doing anything in
(36:40):
this world if it's not to be with people you
love and enjoy the time you have.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Does it take us getting broken from our endeavors and
the ego of like pushing ourselves to the point where
you know, we collapse before we can go or you know,
until it's taken away from us. We can't literally, like
you said, if you couldn't write anymore, how do you adapt?
How do you adjust?
Speaker 4 (37:04):
What is left, What have you lost?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
What have you?
Speaker 4 (37:06):
What are?
Speaker 8 (37:07):
Because I you know, you know, there was a certain
point in my life where I kind of like look
back and I was like I was kind of reduced
to my functions. And I mean, and I don't want
to veer into this too much. I mean, but that's
the capitalist system. We just kind of like, we just
kind of live in a world where we're like, we
think of ourselves as consumers of workers.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
As an artist, your only sort of function, as recognized
by our society, in at least in America, as an artist,
your function is to sell shit?
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Right, Yeah?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
That is it.
Speaker 7 (37:42):
Can you produce some content? Can this go viral?
Speaker 4 (37:44):
That's my one of my.
Speaker 8 (37:46):
Least favorite words. Content.
Speaker 4 (37:48):
Content.
Speaker 8 (37:49):
It reduces everything.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
You know, you're hired to sell shit.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
You're hired to make shit look pretty and too and
to put it on the market.
Speaker 6 (37:56):
And I think it's healthy to have ambition when you're younger.
I was so inspired by the bands. I was into
the filmmakers I loved because I wanted to communicate the
way they did. I wanted to disturb something in somebody's
heart the way they did, you know, and if you
could be a John Lennon or a Joe Strummer.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
Not very many people get to do that.
Speaker 6 (38:16):
But so you set your sights on that, or you
set your sites on developing your social scene. And I
think that's healthy to a certain age, a certain point,
and then, like Angeline, when it's not happening, you have
to have the presence of mind to step away.
Speaker 4 (38:29):
She had an ego death twice.
Speaker 6 (38:31):
The first time was once she gave it her acting
career and that opened this door to her ornament business,
and her work was amazing.
Speaker 4 (38:39):
I've seen it. But then you look at these you
look at.
Speaker 6 (38:42):
How that drives you. When you're younger, it helps you
find your spouse, find your friend group, get some notoriety whatever.
Now that I'm getting older, I'm like, what does it
matter if I would have made a hit film or
took my daughter in a for a walk in the park,
Like either one of those would have been fantastic, and
I get to be with my family.
Speaker 7 (39:04):
Yeah, And just decoupling the concept of your creativity and
your artistry from the concept of needing to make money.
I mean, you know, like, it's great if you can
make a career out of something that you're really good
at and what you're really good at happens to be
writing or talking pretty into microphones or whatever it is
that it is. But right, like you know, her saying
(39:25):
that she was getting back into it because she wanted to. Right,
it's so freeing to me. I was like, Oh, there's
hope at the end of this tunnel.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
Right, she didn't have the creative spark forever and then
it started to come back, but not because she wanted
she would she say, she said, I'm focusing on having.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
A delightful little life rather than needing to be somebody,
which is absive art in itself.
Speaker 7 (39:48):
Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm not a subscriber
to like, don't worry be happy because I have clinical
depression and anxiety. I've always been a little offended by
that phrase. But you know, like you know that there
are always going to be some days where everything is
not okay, and that's fine. But part of the work is,
you know, finding beauty and things whenever you can, and
(40:11):
opening yourself up to the experience of just being here
because you don't know how much here you've got left.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I had that and after this the situation that I
went through, and then and then when the pandemic hit,
I had this this profound realization that was, like, you know,
the idea of like think globally, act locally, and it
occurred to me to act extremely locally, like, let me
start with the cells in my body and my gut microbioume,
then let me work outward from there to make sure
(40:38):
my kids are are you know, can walk like and
like literally I started to really hyper focus on everything
that was happening right in my immediate sphere and then
slowly building out from that into the neighborhood. But instead
of like, I'm going to go and you know, make
a film and take it to can.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
Like that, just let that go and it was very
little I'm going to eat a tomato.
Speaker 8 (41:03):
Most of the films, most of the films that I
have made, have ended up in the can.
Speaker 6 (41:12):
This one thing that Angeline said at the end of
this that I think really pulled it all around is,
you know, the ambition she had for acting, the ambition
she had for business when she was younger, and how
that just kind of vanished. But now she said that
she likes to experience the beauty that other people are making.
And when she says she likes to celebrate people for
(41:34):
daring to put things out there.
Speaker 4 (41:37):
Rather than rather than being a judgmental Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
I used to Somebody asked me why I married my wife,
and I was like, well, she wasn't an actress. I
don't need or a film critic. I don't need a
film critic in my bed. I've got enough of those around,
assholes surrounding me.
Speaker 8 (41:53):
No, but like, she's going to critique my body technique.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
But to get to a point where you can actually
I understand that.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
To get you can watch a movie and be like, Okay,
I'm not going to judge this because I'm not going
to hold it to these stupid film school standards.
Speaker 4 (42:09):
I'm just gonna watch the fucking movie.
Speaker 6 (42:11):
She knows what Joyett, what luck it takes to be
in a position to even do it and then have
the guts to do it, and how hard it is.
When she said, I don't judge it. You know, you
try something and then sometimes it lands, and sometimes it does.
I used to be a music critic. I would take
my idols to task because they didn't meet this high
standard I had for them in my mind.
Speaker 4 (42:31):
Now I'm like, did you asked Paul McCartney, A few
tough questions.
Speaker 6 (42:35):
I asked Paul McCartney how the guy who wrote Hey
Jude and Helter Skelter could write The Dog Gone Girl
is Mine?
Speaker 4 (42:43):
And he said, I'm multi talented.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Did There's one other thing I wanted to get Yell's
take on or I don't know if this is even
we might cut this or not, but it is the
first near death experience story that we've recorded where somebody
said it wasn't it wasn't a light, it wasn't an
out of body experience. There was no meeting of ancestors
(43:10):
and people who had passed before me, and there's no
life review. She said it was just nothing, and I
haven't heard anybody say that yet on our show of
the forty or so you recordings we've done.
Speaker 8 (43:25):
Maybe the DMT in her brain didn't activate.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Maybe maybe it was just the brain chemistry because of
the aneurysm it could have been, or maybe there's nothing.
Speaker 8 (43:37):
All right, that's the next episode, moving on.
Speaker 6 (43:42):
That's a good win to end it on, so everybody
can the people who listen to the podcasts are going
to bed.
Speaker 8 (43:48):
What or maybe there's when tonight?
Speaker 7 (43:54):
Maybe I mean she kind of said it on that
sounds peaceful.
Speaker 8 (44:01):
I'm not to say it's like, I'm like, wait, you
mean I can be alone.
Speaker 7 (44:06):
We've been arguing for the meteor all more.
Speaker 4 (44:08):
Yeah, like bring it.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Have you guys formulated any definite decisions about whether you
think that there's afterlife or not or nothing this or No?
Speaker 2 (44:18):
I haven't.
Speaker 7 (44:19):
I don't even have tattoos.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
I'm you're talking about.
Speaker 8 (44:27):
Man, It took me twenty minutes to decide whether I
wanted creamer this morning. No, I haven't made any decisions.
Why do you think I'm here?
Speaker 2 (44:40):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (44:41):
No, I mean I think. I think I'm pretty much
an atheist and I pretty strongly believe that there is
going to be nothing, But I'm also incredibly open to
the concept of any. I mean, there's so many weird
things in the universe that we can't explain with science,
and we've tried yet and yet hey, good one.
Speaker 6 (44:58):
You know what's funny, though, is the interview I just
did with the homeless guy Matthew Fortune had the exact
same experience Angeline did, where he just experienced this nothingness
and it haunted him. And this is a guy who
is a Christian. He talks about his faith and he
was like when I died, it was like the lights
went out and that was it. And I always thought,
well that, like you said, I was like, well that
(45:19):
sounds kind of soothing. You're just not exists.
Speaker 4 (45:21):
How would you know?
Speaker 8 (45:22):
And it terrified?
Speaker 4 (45:23):
Did she did? I don't mean interrupt.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Did Angeline have a memory of the Nothing? Like does
she remember being in the Nothing? Or was she like
I just don't have any memory at all.
Speaker 8 (45:34):
I don't remember. I didn't really listen to.
Speaker 4 (45:38):
We don't have to put that in the show.
Speaker 8 (45:39):
But I just was like, oh I don't.
Speaker 7 (45:40):
I just listened last night, and I don't have a
strong memory of exactly what she said right there.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Yeah, I'm like scrubbing.
Speaker 7 (45:46):
My audio files in my brain. You can like watching
as I do.
Speaker 8 (45:49):
It's it's really interesting that you that you like clicked
on that too, Dan, because like that's not even something
that I It's like it didn't even like register in
my brain. I was like, oh, yes, nothing, I know
that nothing. Yeah, it's uh, it's like it didn't even register.
(46:13):
It was like my brain just like took that information.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
Was like, okay, I just like it because it challenges
the sort of typical narratives about near death experiences that
are floating and you know, in collective consciousness right now,
like I don't you don't hear too many of these,
So I was really curious about it.
Speaker 8 (46:27):
And certainly in the show, I mean, right, you.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
Know, yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out, like
was Angeline just did she just have a memory like blackout?
Or or was she in the nothing? Which is also
counter because it means that you're you're in you're maybe
there is consciousness about the nothing, so it's not nothing,
it's just the whole thing.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
Is maybe she was sentenced to purgatory.
Speaker 8 (46:49):
Oh, I mean, purgatory sounds pretty quiet.
Speaker 4 (46:56):
It's just a lot of mirrors. Nick, you you.
Speaker 8 (46:58):
Guys are not like not you're selling the concept of
nothing to me. Really well, I don't know if that's
your intentions.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
Just a fun house, that's all. It is, an endless funhouse.
Speaker 8 (47:08):
There's nothing fun about this house.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
No, it's all.
Speaker 8 (47:11):
This is not a fun house.
Speaker 4 (47:12):
This house is hanted a carnival ride. They won't stop
that one I can get yet.
Speaker 8 (47:18):
It's like yeah, all right, all right, so we're ending
on nothing. But yeah, yeah, it's like very Shakespeare.
Speaker 7 (47:30):
Get a good reaver behind the Moro and.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
Next time in Alive Again, we'll meet Resa Bailey, who
was a theology student working through a crisis of faith
when the lower half of her body was crushed in
a rock slide at the base of the Grand Canyon.
After her harrowing rescue through rapids and a turbulent airlift,
she came to a new understanding.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
I lost very close to fifty percent of my blood
volume and I was bleeding to death.
Speaker 8 (48:00):
That God cause my injury.
Speaker 3 (48:01):
Was that a part of God's plan? And I just
came to realize that I don't believe that.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
I believe that things just happen, and it's our faith
it gets us through.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Our story. Producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent die
Nicholas Dakoski, and Lauren Vogelbaum. Music by Ben Lovett, additional
music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick
and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional
production support. Our studio engineers are Rima El Kali and
(48:35):
Nomes Griffin. Today's episode was edited by Mike w Anderson,
mixing by Ben Lovett and Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host,
Dan Bush. Special thanks to Angeline Pass for sharing her story.
Click the link in our show notes to find out
more about Angeline and her work. Alive Again is a
production of iHeart Radio and Psychopia Pictures. If you have
(48:55):
a transformative near death experience to share, we'd love to
hear your story. Please email us at a Live Again
Project at gmail dot com. That's a l i v
e A g A I N p R O j
E c T at gmail dot com.
You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psychopia Pictures
and iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
My name is Angeline Pass and I had a brain
ineurism that taught me that it's okay to have a
little life.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts
of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were
forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand
accounts of near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death.
Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories
(00:47):
to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please
keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering
for some listener, and discretion is advised.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
In twenty seventeen, I had been pursuing a career in
acting for a long time, and I had finally decided
that that just wasn't really happening for me, and I
(01:23):
had become disillusioned with trying to make money and trying
to make a living while pursuing that craft.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
One night, when.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I was feeling especially depressed about myself my current situation,
I had a bottle of wine and I had a
bunch of film negatives laying around I was looking through
pictures and I was like, you know, if I can't
be in film, then I'll cut it up and make
it do what I wanted to do. And so, you know,
(01:59):
very I as an actress, you know whatever. So I
started you know, cutting up film negatives. In those moments,
as I was cutting shapes out of them and such,
I realized just how beautiful film negatives exposed. Film is
on its own, and I started using it for collage
(02:20):
work and using it as a medium for design, and
then doing all of that, I ended up, you know,
finding something new creatively that I really connected to, and
that was doing you know, arts and then products crafts,
and I started selling my creations and formed a company,
(02:43):
and eventually a product line that really stuck with people
was a line of holiday ornaments. But I ended up
by twenty seventeen, I was basically making Christmas ornaments all
year round for wholesale clients to sell its shows, to
(03:05):
sell online, and that was my living. In my off time.
I was still working in film a little bit and
also making art, but Christmas ornaments were my niche and
so I had a studio outside of the home that
I would go to and work all day and I
(03:27):
was It was late September twenty seventeen September twenty seventh.
I was there making Christmas ornaments and I think I
was putting together a wholesale order at the time. I
was at my table and I went to stand up
to get some glitter or something, and I suddenly had
(03:49):
this incredibly sharp pain in my head was throbbing but
also like a searing pain at the same time, and
it was it was such a sudden and violent pain
(04:12):
that it actually I sat back down and knocked me
back in my chair. And I remember I was just
sitting there and I was like, what is this? Something's wrong?
Is this a migraine? Is this what a migraine is like?
I had never had a migraine before. It felt like
(04:33):
the worst headache I've ever had. So I'm sitting there
and it just kept getting worse. My vision started getting blurry,
and then it started getting dark. I can't remember how
long it was, but it couldn't have been but a
couple of minutes. I decided I needed to call my
fiance to talk to him and see if maybe he
(04:55):
would come pick me up. At the time, we shared
a car because we only worked like three miles from
each other. I was in Midtown, he was in Midtown,
and I had the car, but I knew he could
get to me quickly. So I left the studio because
it was in the basement of this building.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
This co working space.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
I had my own little wing and I didn't have
cell phone service in my studio itself. So I left
my studio into this little hallway to get toward the
big back door by the dumpsters. I get to the
door and I call him and I was just like, Luke,
something's wrong. And I could barely see at that time,
(05:41):
the pain was getting worse. And I said, something's wrong,
like I described what the pain was, and he was
just like, I'll be right there.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
I'm coming.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So anyway, it wasn't long before he was there. I
think he got an uber. He kept me on the phone,
but I can't really remember that conversation at all. But
by the time he got there, I had collapsed on
the floor by the door. I couldn't, you know, stand up.
(06:19):
My everything felt like it was getting dark. I don't
even remember the pain in my head at that point.
I just remember everything kind of getting dark. But Luke,
he got me up and everything, and I walked outside
with him to the car and he drove me to
(06:42):
the er and all I remember from there is I
was sitting in the er like waiting area and I'm
sitting there with my like my head in my hands
because the light hurts. And I remember hearing these dies
who are there in the waiting room, and I guess
(07:03):
they're having a conversation and everything, and they're just laughing
and not at me or anything, but just they're like
cutting up and laughing and uh. And that's when I, uh,
I knew. I was like, oh my god, I'm I'm dying.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Like it was.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
It was one of those things. It was like completely.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Just knowing, like my body knew and and and then
I was like, I'm going to die and these guys
are laughing and in the waiting room, and that's when
I started screaming. So I just I just let it
loose and in the waiting room and started screaming. And
(08:00):
it was it was quickly that they got me back then,
you know. But after that, I just remember the pain.
The pain was horrible and uh. And then they they
put me under, they they gave me anesthesia, and then
everything went black. Everything's a bit fuzzy, especially like right
(08:20):
when I woke up, but I was intubated. I was
in the uh, the narrow I see you at Emory,
And of course I didn't know then, but they had.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
They had taken me back.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Into surgery and performed surgery on my ruptured brain aneurysm.
I had a very large scar on the left side
of my head, and I remember trying to touch it
and being told Matt. I also was very very upset
(08:58):
that there was something in my throat and my else
and I laughed because I ended up. I was very
agitated the first couple days. I didn't know what was
going on. I didn't know who all these people were.
Luke was there, my parents were there, my brothers were there.
(09:18):
But I didn't fully understand the weight of what had happened,
and I was just very frustrated. I couldn't talk, of course,
with the tube in my mouth, and if I tried
to communicate with anybody, I couldn't write down what was
(09:43):
what I was feeling or what I wanted to.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Say, And I remember that frustrated me more. I had
lost the ability to write.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
That went on for at least a few days. But
I remember during my time in the hospital being that agitated,
feisty gal. One night, my night nurse came in to
I think, to, you know, just check on me and everything,
and apparently I looked at him and I just pulled
(10:14):
my feeding tube out of my throat myself.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
You know, I'm laughing. It's terrible.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
He was very angry, but I pulled it out and
I fended him off while he was like, no, Angelaine,
don't do that. But I just pulled it out myself.
After that, they did not put the feeding tube back in.
(10:46):
I was in the hospital a total of between three
and four weeks, so it was late October when when
I was released. During that time too, I had had
what they can a brain vasospasm, so that is basically
when you're I'm gonna mess this up, but like the
(11:10):
veins in your head or whatnot constrict and so it
caused like a mini stroke and they had to go
in and I think they operated on me again. But
all in all, I don't have very many memories of
the hospital, especially like in the beginning. I do remember
(11:31):
they kept checking on, like the speech pathologist kept coming
in to see if how my vocalizations were going and
I did. Eventually I was able to speak. I was
still not able to write well, but found out that
was because of all the drugs I was on, I think,
and cognitively they were able to determine that I was
(11:55):
doing pretty okay for someone who had gone through a
ruptured brain aneurysm.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
And then the surgery.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And the end of October, we thought that I was
going to be taken from the neuro ICU into you know,
gen pop at the hospital, but found out like right
before that that move happened that no, they were releasing
me from the hospital.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
I was free to go home. And that was that was.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Really really uh really scary actually for me, but I'm
sure also for Luke. So right when I got out
of the hospital, I don't remember much except being weak
and being angry about that, and then very quickly all
of that turned into, oh my god, I have a
(12:50):
holiday season coming up. I have ornaments to sell. Like
you know, what's so crazy is that a week and
a half after I got out of the hospital, I
have not even getting to emotionally but physically, I have
a shaved head. I have a gash about four inches
(13:12):
long on my scalp. I am emaciated, and all I
could think of was that I have a show to
do to sell ornaments in a week and a half.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
And you know what's crazy is that I did it.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
I got out of the hospital around October twenty first,
and the first weekend of November I went to Chomp
and Stomp, which is this big show in Cabbage Town
in Atlanta where people are, you know, eating chili and
buying chotchkes and everything. My shaved head and huge gash
(13:57):
in my head and my in my scalp went and
sold Christmas ornaments at that show and I did.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
Pretty well too.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
But beside the point I was right when I got
out of the hospital, I was still thinking, like, everything's fine,
Everything's fine.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
They fixed it.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
I'm fine. I look like shit, but I'm fine. I
can still do this, and I have to do this
because this is my company. Like I worked really really
hard to be able to have a creative life, and
if I want to do this, then I have to
get through this holiday season.
Speaker 3 (14:39):
That's that's that's all the money.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
That that I'm going to make for the year that
that allows me to pursue art. So I I did
that I went through the holiday season as best as I.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Could, and and I would.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Have headaches, really bad headaches coming out of the hospital,
and of course there's that that fear of like is
it happening again?
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Is it?
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Is this another one? When they went and you know,
and and cut into my head and everything. I think
that there was a tendon or something that was from
my jaw that had been severed too, So like my
jaw was very very sore, and so if I ever
(15:35):
talked much then my face would get just so sore.
And I was getting tired all the time.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
But I was still like, no, no, no, I have
to do this.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
This is you know, this is what I wanted, so
that that lasted through you know, Christmas. I somehow, I
still I don't know how I did it, but but
I did become that Christmas and come that the time
(16:09):
when things were quiet, then I uh was just left
to think about what happened. And I was still resisting it,
still not wanting to, you know, evaluate what was going on,
(16:30):
and to also admit that there were things that were
going on, like mentally too, of course, emotionally and mentally,
like I I couldn't remember things very well and that
was something that I had did not want to admit
to until I really had time to sit and think
(16:51):
about it. But but I couldn't. I was having conversations
with people that I just couldn't remember. I wouldn't meet
people and not remember them afterwards, and I started becoming
very aware of that. Also, around the same time, Luke
(17:12):
was offered a job in a different city when stayed over,
and he came to me and he was like, you know,
do you do you want to leave Atlanta? And I
jumped at it. I at the time I thought that
it sounded amazing. So it's like, you know what, No,
(17:32):
let me get away from all these people who knew me,
and let me get away. Let me go and hibernate
for a while, and let's get out of here. And
so we you know, the aneurysm happened September twenty seventh.
I got out of the hospital late October, and in
late January we were gone. And now looking back, it
(17:54):
was I know that it was running away, but at
the time I was just like, let's let's start something new.
(18:16):
Everything that was happening, you know, mentally, with not being
able to remember things, I started writing things down a lot,
writing everything down, Like I would have a conversation with
somebody and make a few notes, you know, Matt said this,
Matt's going to hear you know April got married. And
(18:40):
in that way too, I found that I was you know,
I would always refer back to my notes after having
a conversation if I was going to see somebody again,
be like, Okay, how can I be a good friend? Ah? Yes,
I remember this, but but funny enough, though it did,
it really really helped with with meeting new people and
(19:04):
with my friendships. Then that that I was finally that,
over a long period of time, was able to forge.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
In our new town.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I ended up becoming a much better listener than I
think I ever had been before. And and all that too,
I started becoming a better friend to people and even
started I mean, the Sun's a little weird to me even,
but I feel like I could empathize better with folks,
(19:41):
but also to be a better friend to people because
I then started really actually remembering things and not having
to write them down, even though I still was, but
I was able to remember remember what was going on
in people's lives and and follow up with them about it.
(20:03):
That's something that's something good that has come out of
this A good a good trait I think that I've acquired.
As life in the New New City started unfolding, I
realized that I there are certain things that I couldn't
run away from, and one of those was that I
(20:27):
didn't want to make things anymore, and that that was
very very different. But I had no no creative inspiration.
I didn't whenever I sat down at the page and
and was.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
Like, Okay, what design are we going to make today? Nothing?
Absolutely nothing, blank. But I wasn't upset about it either,
in a very very weird way.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
I should have like I feel like I judge it.
I judge it, and I like, oh, well, you should
want to have like this is your legacy, Angeline, this
is what you wanted to do. You wanted to be
a creative. I wasn't very kind to myself a lot
of times. But so there was a long time too
where I was just floundering a bit for what to
(21:17):
do with myself. I had, you know, started forging friendships
and focused on being a better friend to people and
being to being there more for folks in my life.
And eventually I heard about this an opening for contractors
(21:43):
for this litigation services company.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
So they were law adjacent.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
They worked with mass tort law firms, so a lot
like class action but you know, seeking justice for plaintiffs.
And it was you know, data and and stuff, and
I was like, yeah, for some reason, it piqued my interest.
So I ended up getting that job, getting some contract
(22:11):
work with this company, and I would you know, it
was data entry, but also doing you know, some more
analytical work, and doing that really really made me feel
feel alive again and feel like I was contributing something,
especially because the nature of the work was helping people.
(22:45):
I ended up working more full time for this company,
and I quickly got promoted to a project coordinator and
became a paralegal and was managing my own projects. I
ended up feeling very fulfilled doing this for a long time.
Eventually the creativity inklings started coming back. I had missed
(23:11):
them for a long time, but I finally started getting
ideas again. I thought that they were gone, but I
started doing things just you know, as a hobby. I
would make you know, a little project here, you know,
a little thing to brighten up the house there. And
(23:32):
so so I was doing that in Knoxville and and
and you know, doing my work, I started doing more
hobbies like hiking and stuff. And eventually though we Luke
and I. By the way, I haven't mentioned I married
(23:56):
this man. Of course, you know, I can't fully if
I've left that out. I mean, this dude was there
during hopefully the worst.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Time of our lives.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
And yeah, we got married in twenty eighteen, tiny little ceremony,
but uh but yeah, so we're still happy together. But
Knoxville turned out, you know, we had seven years there
(24:28):
about and then recently this past year we decided to
uh to move back to Georgia. But we've moved to
North Georgia now. And so I went from a big
city to it ran away to a smaller city and
(24:50):
now we live in the country about seven acres and
I have started I've started making ornaments again. I'm doing
my first show in seven years, like next weekend. So
I've opened the business back up again. Not in a
way that uh that I that I need to to
(25:11):
make things.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
To to to have a life like or to to
find meaning in my life by making things creatively, like now,
my meaning comes more from hanging out with Luke and
my family and friends.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
And just focusing on having a delightful little life.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
Rather than you know, needing to be somebody. And I
know other people they experience when they have a near
(25:57):
death experience, they might see a light or or say that,
you know, they see something.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
I didn't at all.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
I everything it was. It was just nothing. And I'm
not even trying to be dramatic by saying that, Like
I think about it a lot, and I don't know
if that's I don't know, if you know then nothing
is a bad thing or not, like you know, there,
(26:34):
I know that there are times when we when we
might wish to just be able to be calm and
experience nothingness, But I don't know if that's also too.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
I don't know if that's the end all be all.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I don't know if that was just you know, that
they had given me drugs to and so that was
the amazing nothing that I felt. But but yet I
saw no light. I didn't see anything. And that's something
that I don't think you could ever, you know, prepare
yourself for or or understand unless you live that and
(27:13):
then come out on the other side of it.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
So when I think of the.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Future, I am just very focused on filling my cup,
so to speak, like filling it with beautiful and creative things.
As that's you know, as silly as that might sound.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Now, I go out and I see the art.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
I go and I experience plays without without judging the
actors on stage or you know.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
I watch shows just for the joy of it.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I relish in so much more that, so much more
beauty that is in the world that people put out
and celebrate.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Folks for daring to put things out there.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
I think we're so hard on people and so hard
on people for just trying, just trying, and really I
think that's all that we can do. And sometimes it
lands and sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, I just I want
to keep seeing beautiful things. I want to eat and
drink you know, art, and and travel and seeing new places,
(28:31):
even if it's you know, an hour away. It doesn't
have to be Italy or you know, Europe. It can
be the mountains, it can be your backyard even and
I want to I want to be close to my
family and and close to my friends.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
I think that that's the legacy.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Too that I want, is to to be good to people.
Speaker 4 (29:28):
Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
This is a live again joining me for a conversation
about today's story or my other alive again story. Producers
Lauren Vogelbaum, Nicholas Dakowski, and Brent Die and I'm your host,
Dan Bush.
Speaker 6 (29:41):
I think that should be the last line of the road.
The round table is just Nick saying, just a long pause.
We should just do a show.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
We should do a show about an actor that survived
being an actor.
Speaker 7 (29:52):
Do they none of them get out.
Speaker 8 (29:57):
Like me with drinking. It's like, if I don't quit this,
it will murder.
Speaker 6 (30:01):
It could literally be like, so you're working at home
depot now, yep, yep, and you're happy with that?
Speaker 4 (30:06):
Yeah, yeah, much happier.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
So happy Angeline. Angeline was an actress. She talked about
she survived. Of course she didn't talk about this that
in the story, but.
Speaker 6 (30:18):
She talks about giving up on acting.
Speaker 7 (30:20):
Yeah, yeah, but a little bit. I had no idea
that she had gone through that. I was familiar with
the craft booth.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yeah, but yeah, it's wild and I think her work
is still hanging up at Midtown Cinema. Oh yeah, tell
us about how you came across this story, Nick, and
what drew you to it.
Speaker 8 (30:39):
I have known Angeline for an incredibly long time. As
a matter of fact, the first time I met Angeline,
she was on stage doing a show. It was just
a series of short plays, and I met her for
the first time there and we've we've been for i
(31:02):
mean sixteen seventeen years probably at this point.
Speaker 7 (31:06):
What is time?
Speaker 8 (31:09):
You can leave that one in. Yeah, I watched this
sort of Angeline stepped away from acting and started making
this incredible art using film negatives, I mean really beautiful,
intricate stuff, and really watched her, like, I mean, really
(31:30):
blow up. I mean, you know, she's like anybody who
has been a theater or film actor. You know, she
lived the struggle for a period of time, and like
a lot of theater and film actors, she finally reached
a point where she was like, this is bullshit. I'm
(31:52):
not gonna do this anymore. And she started doing this
other thing that was incredible and just different than everybody
else was doing. And you know, as a business it
really blew up. She was doing incredibly well, and I
remember when you know this happened to her, this brain aneurysm,
(32:12):
it was just kind of like it was I know
that it must have been devastating, not only to like
not be able to utilize your body in the same
way that you're used to, but to not do the
thing that you have been doing. To have that desire
sort of suddenly removed from you, I had to have
been really, really jarring. I mean I, you know, I write,
(32:35):
and if I couldn't write, I would be devastating.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I identified with her story on so many levels, but
one of them was specifically that I had something similar
happen to me. It wasn't a brain aneurism, and I
didn't almost die, but I had such a big crash
in my life with when I was working on one
particular film and I had a newborn in the home
and I was doing I was pulling in thirty hour
(33:03):
sessions without sleep at the age of forty five, and
by the time I got done with that stint of
in my life, I was this close to a divorce,
completely falling apart, like whatever markers indicate that your liver
is in trouble. Because I was drinking like a fish,
using adderall to keep going and then using alcohol to
pass out. And it was a stretch of me doing
(33:25):
this and I realized, like, what the fuck am I
doing this for? Why am I killing myself to make
a movie that's this not even going to be that good,
Like we didn't have enough resources or assets to really
pull it off, and.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
It caused this complete collapse.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Of my ego, Like I had to go, well, why
am I in the what ego driven narrative? Do am
I following here? That is making me risk my family
and my health to pull this off? And it was
a huge reckoning. And this was also leading up to COVID,
so there were other things that were happening that forced
me into this, into a very similar kind of situation
(34:03):
of going what is important? What is fucking important? Creating
stuff is important, but only to the degree that you're
giving back or fueling some sort of conversation in the community,
or all the wonderful things that art can do. But
if you're doing it just so you can have a career,
if you're doing it just so that you can you know,
and if it's killing you, then what you know? My
(34:24):
narrative had to be let go.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
And all of a.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Sudden, I found myself in the present moment, not in
a I'm not like a zen Buddhist, but I was like, oh, literally,
the sun is shining on me, there's a baby next
to me, that's awesome. My friends, I miss them desperately.
My wife I miss her desperately. And so I couldn't
completely relate to if not the aneurism part, then the
(34:47):
ego death part for Angeline. Does that make sense?
Speaker 8 (34:49):
Yeah, in the smallest way I can connect to that
because in like twenty seventeen, you have a similar thing. Oh,
I had a mini stroke. I had a tea that like,
for this is why it's nothing like angelan'ce. It's so
much smaller. But it was like a little taste of
it where I suddenly had full facial blindness and full
(35:13):
of phasia, could not read, could not like, could not speak,
and it lasted like a couple of hours, and literally
one of the first thoughts in my head was I
am never going to finish the project working on right now.
And it was the next you know, I went to
the hospital. They did all the tests. They were like,
(35:33):
there's no real damage, really minor. You are probably at
much higher risk for a stroke in the next six months.
So if this happens again, come directly to the hospital.
But this was many, many years ago. I'm no longer
that much at risk but great. I the next day,
(35:53):
I woke up and I was like, you know what,
maybe I should take a little easier on this project, right,
And then I think completed my journey on that one
was having a kid during the pandemic, having Zelda. It's
like I realized after a certain point, it's like most
of the work that I do now is just to
you know, so I can afford my life and a
(36:19):
happy life for my kid. And and I spend the
bulk of my free time not really thinking about the
work as much and more or drinking or fucking going
out and burning my candle at both ends. I come
home and I want to just kind of hang out
with my kid. And that's the whole point of doing
all that. Like, what's the point of doing anything in
(36:40):
this world if it's not to be with people you
love and enjoy the time you have.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Does it take us getting broken from our endeavors and
the ego of like pushing ourselves to the point where
you know, we collapse before we can go or you know,
until it's taken away from us. We can't literally, like
you said, if you couldn't write anymore, how do you adapt?
How do you adjust?
Speaker 4 (37:04):
What is left, What have you lost?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
What have you?
Speaker 4 (37:06):
What are?
Speaker 8 (37:07):
Because I you know, you know, there was a certain
point in my life where I kind of like look
back and I was like I was kind of reduced
to my functions. And I mean, and I don't want
to veer into this too much. I mean, but that's
the capitalist system. We just kind of like, we just
kind of live in a world where we're like, we
think of ourselves as consumers of workers.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
As an artist, your only sort of function, as recognized
by our society, in at least in America, as an artist,
your function is to sell shit?
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Right, Yeah?
Speaker 2 (37:42):
That is it.
Speaker 7 (37:42):
Can you produce some content? Can this go viral?
Speaker 4 (37:44):
That's my one of my.
Speaker 8 (37:46):
Least favorite words. Content.
Speaker 4 (37:48):
Content.
Speaker 8 (37:49):
It reduces everything.
Speaker 4 (37:51):
You know, you're hired to sell shit.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
You're hired to make shit look pretty and too and
to put it on the market.
Speaker 6 (37:56):
And I think it's healthy to have ambition when you're younger.
I was so inspired by the bands. I was into
the filmmakers I loved because I wanted to communicate the
way they did. I wanted to disturb something in somebody's
heart the way they did, you know, and if you
could be a John Lennon or a Joe Strummer.
Speaker 4 (38:13):
Not very many people get to do that.
Speaker 6 (38:16):
But so you set your sights on that, or you
set your sites on developing your social scene. And I
think that's healthy to a certain age, a certain point,
and then, like Angeline, when it's not happening, you have
to have the presence of mind to step away.
Speaker 4 (38:29):
She had an ego death twice.
Speaker 6 (38:31):
The first time was once she gave it her acting
career and that opened this door to her ornament business,
and her work was amazing.
Speaker 4 (38:39):
I've seen it. But then you look at these you
look at.
Speaker 6 (38:42):
How that drives you. When you're younger, it helps you
find your spouse, find your friend group, get some notoriety whatever.
Now that I'm getting older, I'm like, what does it
matter if I would have made a hit film or
took my daughter in a for a walk in the park,
Like either one of those would have been fantastic, and
I get to be with my family.
Speaker 7 (39:04):
Yeah, And just decoupling the concept of your creativity and
your artistry from the concept of needing to make money.
I mean, you know, like, it's great if you can
make a career out of something that you're really good
at and what you're really good at happens to be
writing or talking pretty into microphones or whatever it is
that it is. But right, like you know, her saying
(39:25):
that she was getting back into it because she wanted to. Right,
it's so freeing to me. I was like, Oh, there's
hope at the end of this tunnel.
Speaker 1 (39:33):
Right, she didn't have the creative spark forever and then
it started to come back, but not because she wanted
she would she say, she said, I'm focusing on having.
Speaker 4 (39:42):
A delightful little life rather than needing to be somebody,
which is absive art in itself.
Speaker 7 (39:48):
Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm not a subscriber
to like, don't worry be happy because I have clinical
depression and anxiety. I've always been a little offended by
that phrase. But you know, like you know that there
are always going to be some days where everything is
not okay, and that's fine. But part of the work is,
you know, finding beauty and things whenever you can, and
(40:11):
opening yourself up to the experience of just being here
because you don't know how much here you've got left.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
I had that and after this the situation that I
went through, and then and then when the pandemic hit,
I had this this profound realization that was, like, you know,
the idea of like think globally, act locally, and it
occurred to me to act extremely locally, like, let me
start with the cells in my body and my gut microbioume,
then let me work outward from there to make sure
(40:38):
my kids are are you know, can walk like and
like literally I started to really hyper focus on everything
that was happening right in my immediate sphere and then
slowly building out from that into the neighborhood. But instead
of like, I'm going to go and you know, make
a film and take it to can.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
Like that, just let that go and it was very
little I'm going to eat a tomato.
Speaker 8 (41:03):
Most of the films, most of the films that I
have made, have ended up in the can.
Speaker 6 (41:12):
This one thing that Angeline said at the end of
this that I think really pulled it all around is,
you know, the ambition she had for acting, the ambition
she had for business when she was younger, and how
that just kind of vanished. But now she said that
she likes to experience the beauty that other people are making.
And when she says she likes to celebrate people for
(41:34):
daring to put things out there.
Speaker 4 (41:37):
Rather than rather than being a judgmental Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:41):
I used to Somebody asked me why I married my wife,
and I was like, well, she wasn't an actress. I
don't need or a film critic. I don't need a
film critic in my bed. I've got enough of those around,
assholes surrounding me.
Speaker 8 (41:53):
No, but like, she's going to critique my body technique.
Speaker 4 (42:00):
But to get to a point where you can actually
I understand that.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
To get you can watch a movie and be like, Okay,
I'm not going to judge this because I'm not going
to hold it to these stupid film school standards.
Speaker 4 (42:09):
I'm just gonna watch the fucking movie.
Speaker 6 (42:11):
She knows what Joyett, what luck it takes to be
in a position to even do it and then have
the guts to do it, and how hard it is.
When she said, I don't judge it. You know, you
try something and then sometimes it lands, and sometimes it does.
I used to be a music critic. I would take
my idols to task because they didn't meet this high
standard I had for them in my mind.
Speaker 4 (42:31):
Now I'm like, did you asked Paul McCartney, A few
tough questions.
Speaker 6 (42:35):
I asked Paul McCartney how the guy who wrote Hey
Jude and Helter Skelter could write The Dog Gone Girl
is Mine?
Speaker 4 (42:43):
And he said, I'm multi talented.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Did There's one other thing I wanted to get Yell's
take on or I don't know if this is even
we might cut this or not, but it is the
first near death experience story that we've recorded where somebody
said it wasn't it wasn't a light, it wasn't an
out of body experience. There was no meeting of ancestors
(43:10):
and people who had passed before me, and there's no
life review. She said it was just nothing, and I
haven't heard anybody say that yet on our show of
the forty or so you recordings we've done.
Speaker 8 (43:25):
Maybe the DMT in her brain didn't activate.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Maybe maybe it was just the brain chemistry because of
the aneurysm it could have been, or maybe there's nothing.
Speaker 8 (43:37):
All right, that's the next episode, moving on.
Speaker 6 (43:42):
That's a good win to end it on, so everybody
can the people who listen to the podcasts are going
to bed.
Speaker 8 (43:48):
What or maybe there's when tonight?
Speaker 7 (43:54):
Maybe I mean she kind of said it on that
sounds peaceful.
Speaker 8 (44:01):
I'm not to say it's like, I'm like, wait, you
mean I can be alone.
Speaker 7 (44:06):
We've been arguing for the meteor all more.
Speaker 4 (44:08):
Yeah, like bring it.
Speaker 1 (44:09):
Have you guys formulated any definite decisions about whether you
think that there's afterlife or not or nothing this or No?
Speaker 2 (44:18):
I haven't.
Speaker 7 (44:19):
I don't even have tattoos.
Speaker 4 (44:21):
I'm you're talking about.
Speaker 8 (44:27):
Man, It took me twenty minutes to decide whether I
wanted creamer this morning. No, I haven't made any decisions.
Why do you think I'm here?
Speaker 2 (44:40):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (44:41):
No, I mean I think. I think I'm pretty much
an atheist and I pretty strongly believe that there is
going to be nothing, But I'm also incredibly open to
the concept of any. I mean, there's so many weird
things in the universe that we can't explain with science,
and we've tried yet and yet hey, good one.
Speaker 6 (44:58):
You know what's funny, though, is the interview I just
did with the homeless guy Matthew Fortune had the exact
same experience Angeline did, where he just experienced this nothingness
and it haunted him. And this is a guy who
is a Christian. He talks about his faith and he
was like when I died, it was like the lights
went out and that was it. And I always thought,
well that, like you said, I was like, well that
(45:19):
sounds kind of soothing. You're just not exists.
Speaker 4 (45:21):
How would you know?
Speaker 8 (45:22):
And it terrified?
Speaker 4 (45:23):
Did she did? I don't mean interrupt.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Did Angeline have a memory of the Nothing? Like does
she remember being in the Nothing? Or was she like
I just don't have any memory at all.
Speaker 8 (45:34):
I don't remember. I didn't really listen to.
Speaker 4 (45:38):
We don't have to put that in the show.
Speaker 8 (45:39):
But I just was like, oh I don't.
Speaker 7 (45:40):
I just listened last night, and I don't have a
strong memory of exactly what she said right there.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Yeah, I'm like scrubbing.
Speaker 7 (45:46):
My audio files in my brain. You can like watching
as I do.
Speaker 8 (45:49):
It's it's really interesting that you that you like clicked
on that too, Dan, because like that's not even something
that I It's like it didn't even like register in
my brain. I was like, oh, yes, nothing, I know
that nothing. Yeah, it's uh, it's like it didn't even register.
(46:13):
It was like my brain just like took that information.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
Was like, okay, I just like it because it challenges
the sort of typical narratives about near death experiences that
are floating and you know, in collective consciousness right now,
like I don't you don't hear too many of these,
So I was really curious about it.
Speaker 8 (46:27):
And certainly in the show, I mean, right, you.
Speaker 1 (46:29):
Know, yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out, like
was Angeline just did she just have a memory like blackout?
Or or was she in the nothing? Which is also
counter because it means that you're you're in you're maybe
there is consciousness about the nothing, so it's not nothing,
it's just the whole thing.
Speaker 4 (46:45):
Is maybe she was sentenced to purgatory.
Speaker 8 (46:49):
Oh, I mean, purgatory sounds pretty quiet.
Speaker 4 (46:56):
It's just a lot of mirrors. Nick, you you.
Speaker 8 (46:58):
Guys are not like not you're selling the concept of
nothing to me. Really well, I don't know if that's
your intentions.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
Just a fun house, that's all. It is, an endless funhouse.
Speaker 8 (47:08):
There's nothing fun about this house.
Speaker 1 (47:09):
No, it's all.
Speaker 8 (47:11):
This is not a fun house.
Speaker 4 (47:12):
This house is hanted a carnival ride. They won't stop
that one I can get yet.
Speaker 8 (47:18):
It's like yeah, all right, all right, so we're ending
on nothing. But yeah, yeah, it's like very Shakespeare.
Speaker 7 (47:30):
Get a good reaver behind the Moro and.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
Next time in Alive Again, we'll meet Resa Bailey, who
was a theology student working through a crisis of faith
when the lower half of her body was crushed in
a rock slide at the base of the Grand Canyon.
After her harrowing rescue through rapids and a turbulent airlift,
she came to a new understanding.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
I lost very close to fifty percent of my blood
volume and I was bleeding to death.
Speaker 8 (48:00):
That God cause my injury.
Speaker 3 (48:01):
Was that a part of God's plan? And I just
came to realize that I don't believe that.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
I believe that things just happen, and it's our faith
it gets us through.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
Our story. Producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent die
Nicholas Dakoski, and Lauren Vogelbaum. Music by Ben Lovett, additional
music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick
and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional
production support. Our studio engineers are Rima El Kali and
(48:35):
Nomes Griffin. Today's episode was edited by Mike w Anderson,
mixing by Ben Lovett and Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host,
Dan Bush. Special thanks to Angeline Pass for sharing her story.
Click the link in our show notes to find out
more about Angeline and her work. Alive Again is a
production of iHeart Radio and Psychopia Pictures. If you have
(48:55):
a transformative near death experience to share, we'd love to
hear your story. Please email us at a Live Again
Project at gmail dot com. That's a l i v
e A g A I N p R O j
E c T at gmail dot com.
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