October 13, 2020 • 37 mins
Stand up comic Lahna Turner joins us today to speak about life after the death of her estranged husband, comedian Ralphie May. He died while they were in the middle of getting divorced, and it was never finalized. Instead, what could have been an amicable split spiraled into a debacle spanning two different states. Laura weighs in on the legalities of what Lahna experienced, sharing her expertise on the subject. During the conversation, Lahna also reveals exclusive details about her husband’s addictions and the people who enabled him right up to the day he went into cardiac arrest. Her shocking divorce story is documented in the forthcoming film "What’s Eating Ralphie May.” For the latest news about the film visit www.WhatsEatingRalphieMay.com and to educate yourself about divorce visit www.ItsOverEasy.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi there. It's me Laura Wasser, the divorce attorney and
the founder of It's over Easy, the online divorce service.
I've been practicing family law for over twenty years, and
I've worked on thousands of divorces, shepherding people through what
may be one of the most terrifying times in their lives.
Along the way, I often have to remind people to
(00:21):
lower their expectations when dealing with matters of the heart.
Rules simply don't apply. Because all's fair in love and war.
So welcome to the All's Fair Podcasts. Fasten your seatbelt
and let's go. Hi everyone, I'm Laura Wasser, and this
is All's Fair. I'm Johnny Rains, and we're psyched you're here.
(00:42):
As I've said, divorce is a situation which statistically will
befall about half of the couples who marry in the
United States, and therefore, at some point, divorce will have
an effect on almost every family in America, even if
it's a step removed. When we spoke with Marlow Thomas,
and Phil Donahue about what makes a marriage last, Marlow
mentioned that couples they interviewed stayed married because they really
(01:02):
love each other. And they go through the fire together. Well,
perhaps not the celebrity couples they interviewed, but in the
real world, I wonder if couples might stay together because
it's easier than getting divorced, you know, they say it's
cheaper to keep her absolutely, I mean, there are definitely people,
particularly in this economy, that cannot afford to get divorced.
(01:22):
They can't, you know, decide to have two residents as
opposed to one resident. I mean, and particularly during a pandemic,
it's very hard to find somewhere else to move anyway.
You can't look at apartments, you can't go look at homes.
So I think people are staying together not just because
they really love each other, but because out of necessity.
And it will be interesting to see what happens as
we come out of this pandemic, hopefully sometime in the
(01:44):
next twelve months. The family that's featured in last Sunday's
Modern Love section of stories called Humility Is What Drew
Me to Him is kind of a story about that,
and it is interesting to read about which seems like
a very kind of great, uceful and thoughtful parent and
family member who opted to not follow her heart but
(02:08):
stay in a marriage. Yes, And I thought what was
interesting about it too, is that the wife and the husband,
so the parents of this this young man who wrote
the article, they are of Muslim descent, and both of
their own families had wanted to arrange their marriages, but
they fought for their own freedom and they married for love.
(02:28):
Fast forward, you know, decades later, and they still are
are married. Um. And the son makes the point that
for his mother it was still about freedom that she
stayed in the marriage, which I thought was interesting. Absolutely,
in my experience, nobody comes easily to divorce. But in
(02:49):
my opinion, the ideas we've discussed with Marlo and Phil
a couple of weeks ago, notwithstanding enduring unacceptable behavior year
in a year out, support the theory that some romantic
relationships do run their course, and the contract with the
state that one enters into upon marriage can be broken.
What matters most in those situations is what you do
with your next chapter. Well, I like what Melanie Griffith
(03:10):
is doing with her next chapter. I was reading People
magazine the other day and Melanie Griffith says there's endless
possibilities after her divorces. Um, I guess she's been married one, two,
three times actually four, she married Don twice. Got you,
And she says that what she's spending her time now
(03:31):
at home doing is going through all the photos and
heirlooms that she has as a result of her family,
her kids and her husband's and she does have good
relationships with all of them. It's nice. She's a rock star.
We love mal. On Friday, September eighteenth, Justice Ruth Bader
Ginsburg passed away at the age of eighty seven due
to mettastic pancreatic cancer. She was a powerhouse and an
(03:55):
amazing person. And this one hit really hard, not just
because as what it will do for the future of
our country, but also just somebody, particularly as a woman,
as an attorney, somebody who really really paved the way.
I read an Instagram thing the other day talking about
you know, if you have your own if your woman
and you have your own credit card, or if you've
ever released your own apartment, or if you've you know,
(04:18):
had a job where you were paid similarly or the
same to your male counterpart, you have Ruth Bader Ginsburg
to thank for that. And again, I'm sure everybody has
heard all of the amazing things that she did for
women and for our country. But I found a very
interesting article. Ginsburg, only the second woman on the Supreme
Court and appointed in is considered a titan for her
(04:39):
fight for equality and women's rights through her landmark Supreme
Court rulings. But for justice Ginsburg, equality was not something
that simply happened in the workplace. She fought for it
and lived it in every aspect of her life. And
for her a marriage of equality was deeply important. She said,
on the day I was married, my mother in law
took me aside and said she wanted to tell me
what was this secret of a happy marriage? Ginsburg said
(05:02):
that secret every now and then it helps to be
a little deaf in a marriage and in the workplace,
including in the job I have. Now that advice has
stood me in good stead, not simply in dealing with
my marriage, but in dealing with my colleagues. So again,
if you can kind of turn a blind eye or
be a little bit deaf, don't let everything bother you
so much, and you might get through it. Another great story,
and part of this article, was a time when she
(05:24):
had been up really really late one night working on
a brief and her son's school had called because she
was the mom, and she said, this child has two parents,
it's my husband's turn, and gave them Marty's number and
and he was to deal with that. Sounds a little
bit like fair play right with ev Rodsky. Absolutely she
was ahead of her time. She said that her husband
(05:44):
really always valued her intellect, what she did both in
the home and out of the home. That mutual kind
of respect and appreciation I think is huge and lasted
them a fifty six year long marriage. In my world,
that's that's an accomplishment. And again that a lot of
that comes from both people really being so respectful of
(06:04):
each other and appreciative of each other. I agree, And
I also liked what she said about how of all
the boys she dated, he was the only one that
really cared that she had a brain right, which again
probably a little less normal back then than now. But
we speak with so many young women about what makes
relationships work and who's the right person to be dating.
(06:27):
Definitely takes some love advice from Ruth bader Ginsberg and
rest in peace, Ruth beder gins Reg you are a
true American hero. Amen. Even though our focus this season
is on exploring how people navigate all kinds of relationships. Today,
let's focus on divorce and death. Yes, it's my specialty,
(06:49):
as you know. Yes, yes, yes, I know, and we
know and our work together and it's over easy. Has
taught me a thing or two about family law as well.
And speaking of family law, you've been quite busy lately,
I've noticed, um, so tell us what's happening with the
courts these days? Are they set to close down anytime soon?
I don't think so. They are really limiting things. I
(07:09):
had a court appearance last week, so there I was,
and they you know, September heat with my mask. You
have to wear a mask the entire time? Do you
have to wear a hazmat? No? I didn't know where
has that, But I did wear a mask, and I
made the argument. I'm sat there for four hours, made
my entire oral argument wearing a mask. The judge was
wearing a mask, to the clerk, the core reporter, my client,
(07:31):
opposing counsel. Finally, Los Angeles Superior Court has gotten something
called l a Court Connect, which is kind of like
a zoom, so you can actually have video hearings as
opposed to just appearing via phone, which we've always been
able to do, but it obviously isn't quite as compelling
if you're making an argument over the phone as if
the judge can actually see you, and if the judge
(07:51):
can see you, um, even without a mask on is
even better. So that's what's been happening in court. I
don't think they're going to close down again, but I
will will say that I am seeing many, many more
self represented litigance deciding to go online, doing things online,
getting the help they need online, not having to brave,
(08:11):
you know, the public court houses, and being able to
do it that way as we have it on it's
a reason makes it a lot better. And again you
can kind of, you know, dip out if you need
help from a mediate or or an attorney. But doing
it online without the need for attorneys or a court
judicial officer really really helps because they just are overloaded
and they don't have the time that generally litigants need
(08:35):
if they're having an entire case or matter heard. Well,
it's interesting we say that people are turning online to
navigate their own divorce. I had the opportunity to talk
to a couple that are working on their own divorce
and it's over easy. And one of the things that
I guess the female spouse said that was really interesting
is she she pointed out how much money and time
(08:56):
they've saved by using It's over Easy versus hiring a turn.
Isn't going through the process yep, I mean, if you
can do it, we recommend it. Generally, there are no
lightning bolts or magical signs that tell you when it's
time to get divorced. When the bad starts outweighing the
good on a consistent basis, you may feel that taking
the next step is appropriate, whether you decided to navigate
(09:18):
your own divorce on It's Over Easy, or you want
to pay lawyers, or you want to burn yourself in
the fire and stay married. One of our goals at
our online divorce website and here on All's Fair is
to arm you with information so you know what to expect.
Divorce is never easy, although the legal part actually should
be easier, but for many it's one of the toughest
things that they will ever go through. Our guest today
(09:40):
is one person who really had it tough. We hear
people say all the time that their life should be
a movie or the truth is stranger than fiction, but
for our guest today, both are actually true. She's an actress, singer,
and comedian who was making a documentary with her husband,
a well known comedian, and then this happened. All right,
let's make a serious turn out of Ralphie May. He
was pretty well known comedian when he passed away two
(10:02):
years ago, and now there's a new documentary giving fans
an in depth look into his life. The original idea
of the film was it was meant to be a
weight lost journey for Ralphie. I'm glad I could be
here and expose America to fat people. I loved my
husband very much. Is incredibly smart and and very very charismatic.
And I mean he was able to hide a lot
(10:22):
of things. Well. Ralphie May was hiding was an addiction
to weed and pain killers on top of his addiction
to food. It all plays out in the documentary What's
Eating Ralphie May. I wouldn't mind it if he had
happy ending. Sadly, Lana didn't get that wish. Ralphie died
in two thousand seventeen of cardiac arrest. Please welcome to
All's Fair, Lana Turner, Hi, Lana Hi guys. Thank you. Wow,
(10:47):
what a story. So I think just so that ore
so that our listeners understand. As you guys were working
on the documentary, it became apparent to you that he
really wasn't going to go through with the weight loss,
and then he filed for divorces. Am I getting that right?
Pretty much? I mean, Ralphie and I had been together
for seventeen years, and a lot of people make assumptions
(11:08):
about us because of our size difference. Um, Like, it's
easy to make assumptions, especially in the celebrity world. But
he and I were together for seven years before he
ever made a dime, Like, we were broke together and
I just adored him. He was so sweet and um
he always intended to lose the weight, and I truly
believe that he wanted to. Um, but I didn't really
(11:28):
understand addiction and how complicated that is. And as life
went on, the addictions progressed and changed. So turning the
camera on that really highlighted it for me and um
and also for him, I guess. And yeah, our marriage
fell apart. Wow. Okay, so wait, let me back up
a little bit. So when you say people make assumptions,
(11:49):
particularly Hollywood. You're saying people might have thought that because
he was heavy and you weren't that you were with
him because he was a comedian and he had made money. Um. Yeah,
and he wasn't just heavy. I mean, Ralphie was super heavy,
super heady. Okay, So I don't blame people for making
those assumptions. But yeah, I mean it's it was never
the case. Like we were together for so long and
(12:10):
so they I say that to highlight what a sweet
person he was, because you could see through that. I mean,
he was handsome. He was just very overweight, but I
mean like that was a big deal, and I always
believed in his ability to get over it, you know
and get down to a healthier person, which he had intended. Um,
and he actually lost a bunch of weight before we
(12:31):
got married, So he was I was gonna say, looking
at that, our listeners can't see it, but certainly if
they see the documentary and when when the eclip that
I was just saying, it definitely seems to evacillate it.
There were times where he was much much bigger than others,
and that's got to take its toll too. I Mean,
everybody says, oh, you have to do this for your health.
It's not just aesthetically. This is a clear example of
(12:53):
how he really really just wore his body down as
a result of being so big. Well, I mean when
I met him, and I had no idea of how
big he was because he was pretty agile, he could
get runn of me. He was young. He was eight
hundred pounds when I met my God, yeah, no exaggeration,
I know. And then, um, he lost three hundred pounds
because he did a gastro bypass and and was really encouraged. Um,
(13:15):
so he used to joke I lost a whole fat man,
and I'm still fat, which is a great joke. Um,
But then it plateaued. And then once we got married.
I just I feel like he said a lot of
things because he wanted a lot of things but really
maybe couldn't, which is I think in an addict trait,
right Like, so, yeah, in hindsight. And so you guys
(13:38):
were in the process of divorcing when he passed away
in two thousand seventeen. Yeah, in a brutal divorce like
it was. Oh, it was awful. It was awful. Like
you hear about aw full divorces. Ours was all we
had two houses. We had one in Tennessee and then
one in California and um, and he filed in Tennessee,
which has been in his mind and favorable place to file. Really,
(14:02):
the more favorable part of that was child support because
Tennessee does not have a good child support for California
and the kids had been living in California at school.
We've been in this house for years with the kids.
But touring out of Tennessee made sense for him. And
uh so we had a jurisdictional battle before we could
even get to the divorce and it lasted forever. And yeah,
(14:23):
he passed before, you know, before we were able to finish.
Good times. A lot of a lot of people ask
this question, and I know they're going to be thinking
about it. When somebody dies during the pendency of a divorce,
unless they've changed their will, it all goes to the
other spouse, correct. Yeah, I'm the executor. So like I
(14:44):
worked for my husband's business for our entire marriage, I
totally was involved in every aspect of his career, and
I still am working for him postmortem even after the divorce,
which is like a really weird and listeners, this this
should not be incentive to kill your spout during the
pendency of the divorce. That's not what I'm recommending at all.
I just wanted. I know, people ask that question of
(15:05):
me all the time, and it could go to probate,
it depends, but in your case, no, and you guys
have to No, No, I would through probate. Oh it did, well, yeah,
not the will. The will was not contested, but and
I did not have anything to do with his death.
Does not endorse yeah, we do not endorse murder. No. No,
(15:29):
I actually couldn't even talk to him, like I loved
him so much all those years, and the last year
of his life. I didn't speak to him for the
last twelve months, so we just I couldn't talk to him.
He was so angry at himself, really, but I was
the closest person to that. We see that a lot
people taking it out on the person who's closest to
them and who they believe will love them unconditionally, and
then if somehow it seems that they're not going to
(15:51):
love them unconditionally or at least stay with them unconditionally,
then they lash out. I mean, so you ended up
making the documentary after he had passed away. Yeah, premiered
last year in Nashville, Yes, Yes, on the anniversary of
his passing, which was particularly special because Nashville was a
(16:11):
special place for him, so I wanted it just felt
so like crazy perfect that we were able to premiere
there and you guys won an award Best of the Festival.
That's amazing. That's amazing. And where where where can people
see it now? Well, right now, it's going to have
another screening at the Atlanta Film Festival. But everything changed
(16:33):
with covid. We had a bunch of festivals lined up
and so um, we're just waiting to figure out where
it's going to stream. Like that's a slow everything's a
very slow process and U and so covid hasn't made
that any faster and uh, but it will, it will stream.
People can actually sign up on the website on What's
Eating Ralphie may dot com for email updates when we do,
(16:55):
and then obviously social media all of that is still
going for him and myself. So yeah, it's a great film.
You're gonna see it. It's just gonna be a matter
of time before we figure out where. And you live
in l A now, Lana, Yes, Yes, and you and
your and your kids are how old now? Oh? My
daughter just turned thirteen and my son's eleven. So yeah,
fun get ready? Teenager? Has the eye rolling begun yet? Yes? Ok,
(17:23):
it gets worse. But you're originally Canadian? Huh? I am yep,
I'm a Canadian Texan? How do you a wow? Okay?
All right, and so tell us a little bit more
about you. Well, Um, I started stand up like I'm
ear like two decades ago. Um, and I love telling
(17:43):
jokes and making people laugh. And this has been the
greatest journey. And having kids and being a stand up
has been really an interesting time. But I mean, I
feel so blessed. I like, as crazy as all of
that is, to watch my self going through the documentary
and that window of time, I feel really proud because
(18:06):
I've been able to come out of it on the
other side and be truly happy. And that was I
didn't know when I feel like I see people now
who are in the midst of their trauma and I
and I remember when I was in mind and people
would say, Okay, you're gonna get to the other side.
It's gonna be okay, and it it really, it really
has been of course, like losing Ralphie and my children
losing their father, like there's nothing we can do to
(18:28):
take that pain away. But but we were getting through
it and we've gotten so far. And also I think
helping other people can be really really healing. Like you said,
as other people were saying, just get through it, just
get through it. Now you can be the person on
the other side going come on. I got to like,
let me help you through this, watch this story, let
me tell you, and also let me make you laugh
(18:49):
a little bit totally. It was interesting because when I
was going through my divorce, I started talking about it
on stage and it completely changed my my relationship with
the audience. Like for the first time ever after my show,
people would come up and we would like hug each other,
and I think people are laugh but they'd also feel
like an emotional connection because we've all gone through some
(19:12):
sort of traumatic experience and so many people through divorce
and loss, and so being able to share that with
others and make them laugh through it has been really
powerful for me. I bet, And you're working on a book, yes,
as a companion piece. Yeah, Because when we premiered the
film and then the few screenings that We've had people
have come up with so many questions for me, and
(19:34):
so I felt like there needed to be an additional
component to the movie. And uh and so yeah, we're
editing that now. And as soon as I find the
film at home, I'm going to find the book a publisher. Awesome.
This is It's Over Easy podcast All's Fair with Laura Wasser.
I'm Laura your host, and today's show is about divorce. Certainly,
(19:57):
the experience we're listening to today is a caution a tale.
But remember, though the past may loom large, it's the
present where you have the power. There's no sliding doors
moments in real life, but there are next chapters. Our
guest today is turning her next chapter into a true catharsis,
and she's doing it with humor. She's one of the
funniest comedians on the circuit these days. Just search her
(20:18):
name on YouTube, Amazon or iTunes to watch and listen
to her razor sharp wit and hilarious songs, including the
first ever comedy visual album called Lye Maid. She's also
producing and starring in the documentary What's Eating Ralphie May,
which includes footage from the last days her husband was
alive and the early stages of their divorce. Lana and
the article you wrote for the Insights blog on It's
(20:39):
Over Easy, you say that you wish you could have
had an amicable divorce. What do you think it is
that stopped you and Ralphie from being amicable? I get
the jurisdiction issues and then that boils down to money.
But tell us a little bit more in your own
words what you think really was the precluder? Uh? For sure,
drugs and absolutely enablers and him having access to finance
(21:02):
was not healthy at all in the divorce because I
was the outspouse, so I was told, and that happened
very early on. So we had a business manager in Nashville,
this company called Baden, and they assided in the divorce,
like they represented both of us as a business manager.
But as soon as the divorce happened, he was the
income earner, so they went with him. And then they
(21:22):
had a relationship with his divorce attorney in Nashville, Rose Palermo,
who was paid every single month. So it was with
her on a case right now. She's very good. She's
she's known as a very aggressive divorce attorney and she
likes to collect every penny. So when you mentioned probate,
she came after her very last bill, and probate when
(21:44):
she'd made so much money through the entire divorce, and
her final bill closed on the day he died, So
she build him to learn that he died, to learn
that he died, like I just I when I saw that,
I imagined the conversation of her assistant walk in the
office and saying, Rose Ralphie's passed, and her writing one
quarter hour, that's exactly what happened. Okay. Do you want
(22:07):
to hear a great joke that you can use that's
the reverse of that. So there's a divorce attorney, old
guy who actually, we'll make it, will make it a
woman in this situation. Okay, I can't imagine what her
name would be hypothetically speaking. But she dies, and her
client calls the office and says, hi is so and
so there, And the reception says, I'm so sorry to
tell you this, Mss so and so, but she died,
(22:28):
and the woman says, oh, okay. Next day calls again,
Hi is so and so there? No, I'm afraid she died.
Oh okay, three days in a row, calls again, Hi
is so and so they're no afraid she died, didn't
you call the past two days? I mean I told
you she died, right, Yes, But I just love hearing
it again. All Fair podcast does not endorse murder or
(22:55):
killing your attorney. They didn't. She didn't kill her. She
was just happy to hear she was dead. Just love
listening to the words. No, I'm sorry she died anyways. Uh,
back to your story, I mean, tell us so so
he had the access to the funds, he was spending
whatever he wanted. You were the outspouse, which I which
I know, is extremely frustrating, especially when you have business
(23:18):
managers that have fiduciary duties to both of you and
they decided to go with the money and enablers. As
you said, I see this happen a lot with people
in the entertainment industry. You've got a bunch of people
who are earning a percentage of whatever Ralphie or whoever
the entertainer is earned. So they want to make sure
that they're producing, getting on stage, doing what they're supposed
(23:39):
to do so that they get their percentage. But they
also want to make sure that they keep their gigs
so there's a lot of yes men involved, and and
and you as the out spouse, and often the family
law attorneys. And again I can't speak for Rose in
this situation, but a lot of times I'm the first
professional that's saying to a client like no, and they're like,
what do you mean? No? Nobody says no, I said,
I said, I built by the or I don't get
(24:00):
a percentage. No, I'm not going to blow sunshine if
you're ask and tell you something that's actually not going
to happen. And again, if your kids lived in California,
that's where the case should have been. Okay, So totally right.
And it's funny you just basically told the story because
that's totally what happened. I mean, like he had a
um a friend to become his professional manager who just
(24:22):
navigated everything and kept him on the road so much
that like he was look, I mean at his size,
he wasn't and he wasn't taking care of himself. There
was no way he was going to be okay. But
I mean with that much work and the pressure of
everything else in life, and then and then the stress
of a divorce to boot and the drugs, just the
whole combination was really really it wasn't gonna end well,
(24:45):
and it didn't. Um but yeah, I mean even Vade
and the business manager, their case got thrown out of
um probate because they got busted pulling money out of
his account after he died. Yeah, that's it was no, no,
big no, no, they knew better. But you know, I
mean that was the motivation and the whole thing money.
(25:07):
So it's how old was he when he died, Lana, Uh,
he was forty four. I think way too young. Yeah, yeah,
he's too young. I spent a good part of yesterday
on the phone with a woman in her seventies, and
she was the owner's spouse. She had a lot of money,
and we were talking about spousal support and she kept saying, now,
(25:29):
if I die, because this is stressing me out so much,
he's not going to get anything. And I said, okay,
I'll let them know. But I don't know that that's
a big motivator. Okay, we want to we want to
keep you alive so we can finish the case, you know.
But it's just it is whatever he was experiencing as
a result of his weight and the vacillation of losing
and gaining and the drugs and not taking care of himself,
(25:50):
ambing on the road. I assure you that going through
the litigation incident to the divorce, particularly with kids and
you who had been his you know, try and true
for all of these years, that I am sure exacerbated.
Oh yeah, no, without a doubt. There were so many
other crazy things that were going on through the whole
experience for him. I just, yeah, it just wasn't gonna
(26:13):
gonna go well. But I was like, when you said
it shouldn't go to Tennessee, I could not believe that
they Now we kept custody in California, but they were
going to determine child support. I don't know how you
can determine child support out of Tennessee when your custody
stays in California. And that was the crazy. I had
to hire an attorney that could work in both states.
And I don't know if you know Crystal boating House.
(26:34):
I don't know if you know her, but do you
know the name? Yes? And she was great. So she
came in and I mean Tennessee was so different than California.
The two courts, Like the judge in Tennessee was literally
like it felt like I was in the Duxa Hazards.
It's like, hey, they're a little lady. Because after right
up to the council table and I noticed you're wearing pants.
We don't wear pants in this courtroom. And you're like,
(26:55):
it's the two thousands, what are you talking about? It
was crazy. And Crystal walked in there and it just
created having. It was awesome to watch because she came
in and she could say, this is what the cost
of living is in California, because it's hard to comprehend
in Tennessee how much more money it is here and
we have. I mean, it's it really is. California is
so much higher than other states. I mean even on
(27:16):
the West coast, Washington State is like a fifteenth of
what they give you in California, which is also why
we have so many people coming here specifically for the
purpose of I'm gonna come here, I'm gonna get pregnant,
I'm gonna have a kid, show me the money. I know,
that wasn't you. I'm just saying we have a lot
of forum shopping with people coming here because it's so high. Yeah. No,
(27:38):
And I wasn't for umed. I mean the kids were.
They had to actually so Ralph, he had filed it
said it was a reported that I was one that
filed for divorce. I should have, but I never would have.
I was, I didn't. I always I believe in in
the commitment that I made and I was with him
and I knew he was sick and I would never
have left him. But he had filed in Tennessee, and
(27:58):
his first filing he claimed the kids were going to
school there. They never went to school there. They've been
in school in California for like five years, so there
was no proving that. So anyways, they unfiled that first filing,
and then we tried for about six months to keep
the marriage together, and then he refiled, and then I
had to file in California, and it just yeah, and
(28:18):
that's crazy. And the problem is, I mean, I really
feel for you, because, as we speak about so much
on this show, Johnny, don't we and at its over reasons.
When you have children, that person will be in your
life for the rest of your lives. And what generally
happens is as the dust settles, you build a rapport,
you rebuild the relationship, You remember the things you loved
about them as you're co parenting with them, and even
(28:42):
though it's really shitty as you're going through it, once
you get out the other side and you've each started
your next chapters, generally you figure out a way to
get along much better and you can continue having that relationship.
Not only did your kids lose the ability to grow
up with their dad, which is tragic, but you and
he never got to kind of get to that point
where you go, you know what, that sucked. Sorry, but
(29:04):
I do love you and you are my family, and
let's move on and let's be there for each other.
And I that's something that I grieve for you that
you weren't able to have that, because it really is.
I have it with both of the dads of both
of my kids, and it's huge. Yeah, no, I I
wish that. You know, there's things whenever you lose somebody,
it doesn't matter through if it was your spouse or
(29:24):
anyone else in your life, there's always those loose ends
that you didn't those things that you say, I wish
I could have had this opportunity or that opportunity. Even
if you were, you know, with them in the last
final moments, you still have so much regret, and so
there's a lot of things that I wish I could
go back in time and and say, but that we
it was impossible to talk to him at the end
(29:45):
of his life, and honestly, he he was he was
so unhealthy like that last year he he couldn't even
make his required phone calls with the kids, and and
he had um visitations in which he would come to
town to see them and then with no show, like
he'd come specifically to l A to see the kids
(30:05):
and wouldn't even Yeah, it was and that was really
really hard and hard. I'm sure I feel for my
kids so much because they obviously deserved more than that,
and they and I don't think it was for lack
of love on his part at all. He was just
he was really, really sick and it's really sad. And
he had people who, like you said earlier, that we're
(30:26):
willing to do all that bidding for him and keep
him in that state. So yeah, well you definitely have
done a mitzvah, as they say in my tribe, in
terms of you know, okay in our tribe, in terms
of making sure that he's remembered well that it is
a cautionary tale, and I think that's huge from your
(30:48):
divorce story. You're obviously familiar with how we lawyers gather
our information, but we've adapted the interrogatories, which is a
discovery format um, to do some discovery of our own
about our guests right here on All's fair. So, Lana,
do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth? Absolutely? Okay. The first one
you don't have in front of you, because I've been
(31:08):
thinking about it. I just it's not a trick question.
But what's with the name? Did your parents know they
were naming you Lana Turner? I mean, like after this
famous actress so um. In our tribe, they like to
name the children out with the first initial of a relative,
and my grandfather's name was lu so they went with Lana,
and my parents knew of Lanta Turner, but we're not
(31:30):
worried about it at the time. I just went with it.
And she was just l A n a right. She
wasn't spelled like you are. Okay, Yes, that's a beautiful name,
all right. So which relationship in your life has had
the most profound impact, Lana? So I have like two answers, obviously,
The first one would have to be chocolate. It gets
(31:52):
you through everything. Yes, it's been a godsend. Um. But
and then and then I have to go with, of
course my children, because I would not have made it
through things in a healthy way without my kids. They're awesome,
They're my lifeline. Okay, I like that. What's your favorite
love song? So I was thinking about this one and
(32:13):
that I would have to do some ruthless self promotion here,
and I'm gonna curse. I'm gonna say, um, I'm gonna
have to say one of my songs, and then I'll
give you My other favorite love song is um. When
I went through my divorce with Ralphie, I was I
was pretty piste off when he filed, and I wrote
a album of comedy songs called Lime Maide. It came
out around the same time as Beyonce's Lemonade, So so
(32:33):
it's kind of a parody knot in the songs, but
in the in the fact that he did the visual album.
So my favorite love song from that album was he
loved the pussy, but he hated the cunt. Oh my god,
can you can you? How much? Can you sing? A
few bars? Uh? You can check it out online. Okay, okay,
but but that's the hook. So ryme any word with kunt,
(32:55):
which is my favorite word, by the way. I know
a lot of people don't like that word, but it's
one of my favorites because it's really it purnt across it.
So anywhere that rhymes with that, just hummed that out
and then rhyme it with kuent and you've got the song.
But it's my favorite love It's definitely a broken hearted
love song, but um, my favorite love song out there. Now,
i'd have to say I love Somebody by depeche Mode. Yes, good,
(33:19):
I love depeche Mode. Ye. We've represented a few members
of Depeche Mode. I'm an alt rock girl at heart,
so like a lot of them like pop stuff. I
don't know, but like give me a good like k
Rock band or All Nation band or Lithium band. I'm
I'm in I think everybody. For any story that you hear,
(33:40):
you're like, yeah, I represented that person once. Oh yeah,
I don't. I don't intimate details about everything in their life.
That that means I've been doing this for too long. Probably.
What's the one piece of advice that you'd share with
your twenty something year old self that is easy, which
is the only person that I can change is me,
which is really the message of that film because I
(34:03):
am the poster child for codependency. When I look at
that movie, I just want to reach in and grab
myself and pull myself out of it because I really
believed that I could help him change and you can't.
But then when I started to change is when things
got better for me. So that awesome advice. I like that, Okay.
And finally, Lana, which romantic comedy could you watch on repeat?
(34:26):
So that also will have two answers because right now
during the pandemic is groundhog Day? Yes, yes, um. But
my favorite love story of all time has to be
because of the very last scene of the movie Annie Hall.
M hmm. Do you remember, like the final quote at
the end is you know, you put up with all
(34:48):
the crazy and you go through everything that you go
through for a relationship because you just need the eggs totally.
And again, we spoke a bit at the top of
the show with Johnny before you came on about Bader
Ginsburg and some of her advice for marriage, and one
of her pieces of advice is that what her mother
in law told her on her wedding day was sometimes
you just have to be a little bit deaf in
(35:09):
a marriage, like just you get you get past it anyway, Lana,
thank you for making us laugh and cry a little today.
Tell people where they can download your music and find
your videos online and get the latest updates about the movie. Sure,
Like you said, my name spelled with an H, so
it's l a h n A. Otherwise backwards it's anal,
(35:29):
So always tell people that's how you can my goodness
good to know I can remember that, you can remember that.
So l a h n A Turner to you R
N E R. And I'm on all social media platforms.
So the video, like all my music is on YouTube,
and you can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all
those places. And like I said before, the movie is
on the website What's Eating Ralphie May dot com. And
(35:49):
I have a website, Lana Turner dot com that will
get you to all those other places as well. So awesome.
Thank you, thank you for joining us, thank you for
sharing with us. So many people that we work with
and listen to this podcast needed to hear this story,
and we wish you well and We're all going to
watch the movie too. Thank you so much. You guys
are awesome. Thank you Lan. Yeah, so that was amazing.
(36:11):
I mean, I can't tell you how many people wish
that their spouses would drop dead in the middle of
a divorce, but that definitely is a sad story. Oh
my gosh. And to have it all on film too
is really incredible. Yeah. So, for more information about divorce
and what to expect, visit it's over easy dot com
backslash Insights. There's also our private Facebook group at its
(36:32):
over easy community, where you can find our flipbook What
to Expect when Getting Divorced and videos from recent Facebook
lives featuring Laura live answering questions about divorce. We're not
trying to promote divorce. We just want people to know
how to handle it if or when it happens to you.
And once you do embark upon the separation or divorce process,
it's very important to remember three key things. Be kind,
(36:54):
be reasonable, and be brief. Remember that this person will
no longer be your spouse, but he or she will
continue to be your co parent, family member, and perhaps
business partner in certain assets or entities unless they die.
That's our show for today, folks. But if you've subscribed,
scroll on through our feed to see what else we're
talking about. Click to rate us at Apple Podcasts and
write us a quick review so we know what you
(37:16):
want to hear. Let's speak next week. Bye bye,
Hi there. It's me Laura Wasser, the divorce attorney and
the founder of It's over Easy, the online divorce service.
I've been practicing family law for over twenty years, and
I've worked on thousands of divorces, shepherding people through what
may be one of the most terrifying times in their lives.
Along the way, I often have to remind people to
(00:21):
lower their expectations when dealing with matters of the heart.
Rules simply don't apply. Because all's fair in love and war.
So welcome to the All's Fair Podcasts. Fasten your seatbelt
and let's go. Hi everyone, I'm Laura Wasser, and this
is All's Fair. I'm Johnny Rains, and we're psyched you're here.
(00:42):
As I've said, divorce is a situation which statistically will
befall about half of the couples who marry in the
United States, and therefore, at some point, divorce will have
an effect on almost every family in America, even if
it's a step removed. When we spoke with Marlow Thomas,
and Phil Donahue about what makes a marriage last, Marlow
mentioned that couples they interviewed stayed married because they really
(01:02):
love each other. And they go through the fire together. Well,
perhaps not the celebrity couples they interviewed, but in the
real world, I wonder if couples might stay together because
it's easier than getting divorced, you know, they say it's
cheaper to keep her absolutely, I mean, there are definitely people,
particularly in this economy, that cannot afford to get divorced.
(01:22):
They can't, you know, decide to have two residents as
opposed to one resident. I mean, and particularly during a pandemic,
it's very hard to find somewhere else to move anyway.
You can't look at apartments, you can't go look at homes.
So I think people are staying together not just because
they really love each other, but because out of necessity.
And it will be interesting to see what happens as
we come out of this pandemic, hopefully sometime in the
(01:44):
next twelve months. The family that's featured in last Sunday's
Modern Love section of stories called Humility Is What Drew
Me to Him is kind of a story about that,
and it is interesting to read about which seems like
a very kind of great, uceful and thoughtful parent and
family member who opted to not follow her heart but
(02:08):
stay in a marriage. Yes, And I thought what was
interesting about it too, is that the wife and the husband,
so the parents of this this young man who wrote
the article, they are of Muslim descent, and both of
their own families had wanted to arrange their marriages, but
they fought for their own freedom and they married for love.
(02:28):
Fast forward, you know, decades later, and they still are
are married. Um. And the son makes the point that
for his mother it was still about freedom that she
stayed in the marriage, which I thought was interesting. Absolutely,
in my experience, nobody comes easily to divorce. But in
(02:49):
my opinion, the ideas we've discussed with Marlo and Phil
a couple of weeks ago, notwithstanding enduring unacceptable behavior year
in a year out, support the theory that some romantic
relationships do run their course, and the contract with the
state that one enters into upon marriage can be broken.
What matters most in those situations is what you do
with your next chapter. Well, I like what Melanie Griffith
(03:10):
is doing with her next chapter. I was reading People
magazine the other day and Melanie Griffith says there's endless
possibilities after her divorces. Um, I guess she's been married one, two,
three times actually four, she married Don twice. Got you,
And she says that what she's spending her time now
(03:31):
at home doing is going through all the photos and
heirlooms that she has as a result of her family,
her kids and her husband's and she does have good
relationships with all of them. It's nice. She's a rock star.
We love mal. On Friday, September eighteenth, Justice Ruth Bader
Ginsburg passed away at the age of eighty seven due
to mettastic pancreatic cancer. She was a powerhouse and an
(03:55):
amazing person. And this one hit really hard, not just
because as what it will do for the future of
our country, but also just somebody, particularly as a woman,
as an attorney, somebody who really really paved the way.
I read an Instagram thing the other day talking about
you know, if you have your own if your woman
and you have your own credit card, or if you've
ever released your own apartment, or if you've you know,
(04:18):
had a job where you were paid similarly or the
same to your male counterpart, you have Ruth Bader Ginsburg
to thank for that. And again, I'm sure everybody has
heard all of the amazing things that she did for
women and for our country. But I found a very
interesting article. Ginsburg, only the second woman on the Supreme
Court and appointed in is considered a titan for her
(04:39):
fight for equality and women's rights through her landmark Supreme
Court rulings. But for justice Ginsburg, equality was not something
that simply happened in the workplace. She fought for it
and lived it in every aspect of her life. And
for her a marriage of equality was deeply important. She said,
on the day I was married, my mother in law
took me aside and said she wanted to tell me
what was this secret of a happy marriage? Ginsburg said
(05:02):
that secret every now and then it helps to be
a little deaf in a marriage and in the workplace,
including in the job I have. Now that advice has
stood me in good stead, not simply in dealing with
my marriage, but in dealing with my colleagues. So again,
if you can kind of turn a blind eye or
be a little bit deaf, don't let everything bother you
so much, and you might get through it. Another great story,
and part of this article, was a time when she
(05:24):
had been up really really late one night working on
a brief and her son's school had called because she
was the mom, and she said, this child has two parents,
it's my husband's turn, and gave them Marty's number and
and he was to deal with that. Sounds a little
bit like fair play right with ev Rodsky. Absolutely she
was ahead of her time. She said that her husband
(05:44):
really always valued her intellect, what she did both in
the home and out of the home. That mutual kind
of respect and appreciation I think is huge and lasted
them a fifty six year long marriage. In my world,
that's that's an accomplishment. And again that a lot of
that comes from both people really being so respectful of
(06:04):
each other and appreciative of each other. I agree, And
I also liked what she said about how of all
the boys she dated, he was the only one that
really cared that she had a brain right, which again
probably a little less normal back then than now. But
we speak with so many young women about what makes
relationships work and who's the right person to be dating.
(06:27):
Definitely takes some love advice from Ruth bader Ginsberg and
rest in peace, Ruth beder gins Reg you are a
true American hero. Amen. Even though our focus this season
is on exploring how people navigate all kinds of relationships. Today,
let's focus on divorce and death. Yes, it's my specialty,
(06:49):
as you know. Yes, yes, yes, I know, and we
know and our work together and it's over easy. Has
taught me a thing or two about family law as well.
And speaking of family law, you've been quite busy lately,
I've noticed, um, so tell us what's happening with the
courts these days? Are they set to close down anytime soon?
I don't think so. They are really limiting things. I
(07:09):
had a court appearance last week, so there I was,
and they you know, September heat with my mask. You
have to wear a mask the entire time? Do you
have to wear a hazmat? No? I didn't know where
has that, But I did wear a mask, and I
made the argument. I'm sat there for four hours, made
my entire oral argument wearing a mask. The judge was
wearing a mask, to the clerk, the core reporter, my client,
(07:31):
opposing counsel. Finally, Los Angeles Superior Court has gotten something
called l a Court Connect, which is kind of like
a zoom, so you can actually have video hearings as
opposed to just appearing via phone, which we've always been
able to do, but it obviously isn't quite as compelling
if you're making an argument over the phone as if
the judge can actually see you, and if the judge
(07:51):
can see you, um, even without a mask on is
even better. So that's what's been happening in court. I
don't think they're going to close down again, but I
will will say that I am seeing many, many more
self represented litigance deciding to go online, doing things online,
getting the help they need online, not having to brave,
(08:11):
you know, the public court houses, and being able to
do it that way as we have it on it's
a reason makes it a lot better. And again you
can kind of, you know, dip out if you need
help from a mediate or or an attorney. But doing
it online without the need for attorneys or a court
judicial officer really really helps because they just are overloaded
and they don't have the time that generally litigants need
(08:35):
if they're having an entire case or matter heard. Well,
it's interesting we say that people are turning online to
navigate their own divorce. I had the opportunity to talk
to a couple that are working on their own divorce
and it's over easy. And one of the things that
I guess the female spouse said that was really interesting
is she she pointed out how much money and time
(08:56):
they've saved by using It's over Easy versus hiring a turn.
Isn't going through the process yep, I mean, if you
can do it, we recommend it. Generally, there are no
lightning bolts or magical signs that tell you when it's
time to get divorced. When the bad starts outweighing the
good on a consistent basis, you may feel that taking
the next step is appropriate, whether you decided to navigate
(09:18):
your own divorce on It's Over Easy, or you want
to pay lawyers, or you want to burn yourself in
the fire and stay married. One of our goals at
our online divorce website and here on All's Fair is
to arm you with information so you know what to expect.
Divorce is never easy, although the legal part actually should
be easier, but for many it's one of the toughest
things that they will ever go through. Our guest today
(09:40):
is one person who really had it tough. We hear
people say all the time that their life should be
a movie or the truth is stranger than fiction, but
for our guest today, both are actually true. She's an actress, singer,
and comedian who was making a documentary with her husband,
a well known comedian, and then this happened. All right,
let's make a serious turn out of Ralphie May. He
was pretty well known comedian when he passed away two
(10:02):
years ago, and now there's a new documentary giving fans
an in depth look into his life. The original idea
of the film was it was meant to be a
weight lost journey for Ralphie. I'm glad I could be
here and expose America to fat people. I loved my
husband very much. Is incredibly smart and and very very charismatic.
And I mean he was able to hide a lot
(10:22):
of things. Well. Ralphie May was hiding was an addiction
to weed and pain killers on top of his addiction
to food. It all plays out in the documentary What's
Eating Ralphie May. I wouldn't mind it if he had
happy ending. Sadly, Lana didn't get that wish. Ralphie died
in two thousand seventeen of cardiac arrest. Please welcome to
All's Fair, Lana Turner, Hi, Lana Hi guys. Thank you. Wow,
(10:47):
what a story. So I think just so that ore
so that our listeners understand. As you guys were working
on the documentary, it became apparent to you that he
really wasn't going to go through with the weight loss,
and then he filed for divorces. Am I getting that right?
Pretty much? I mean, Ralphie and I had been together
for seventeen years, and a lot of people make assumptions
(11:08):
about us because of our size difference. Um, Like, it's
easy to make assumptions, especially in the celebrity world. But
he and I were together for seven years before he
ever made a dime, Like, we were broke together and
I just adored him. He was so sweet and um
he always intended to lose the weight, and I truly
believe that he wanted to. Um, but I didn't really
(11:28):
understand addiction and how complicated that is. And as life
went on, the addictions progressed and changed. So turning the
camera on that really highlighted it for me and um
and also for him, I guess. And yeah, our marriage
fell apart. Wow. Okay, so wait, let me back up
a little bit. So when you say people make assumptions,
(11:49):
particularly Hollywood. You're saying people might have thought that because
he was heavy and you weren't that you were with
him because he was a comedian and he had made money. Um. Yeah,
and he wasn't just heavy. I mean, Ralphie was super heavy,
super heady. Okay, So I don't blame people for making
those assumptions. But yeah, I mean it's it was never
the case. Like we were together for so long and
(12:10):
so they I say that to highlight what a sweet
person he was, because you could see through that. I mean,
he was handsome. He was just very overweight, but I
mean like that was a big deal, and I always
believed in his ability to get over it, you know
and get down to a healthier person, which he had intended. Um,
and he actually lost a bunch of weight before we
(12:31):
got married, So he was I was gonna say, looking
at that, our listeners can't see it, but certainly if
they see the documentary and when when the eclip that
I was just saying, it definitely seems to evacillate it.
There were times where he was much much bigger than others,
and that's got to take its toll too. I Mean,
everybody says, oh, you have to do this for your health.
It's not just aesthetically. This is a clear example of
(12:53):
how he really really just wore his body down as
a result of being so big. Well, I mean when
I met him, and I had no idea of how
big he was because he was pretty agile, he could
get runn of me. He was young. He was eight
hundred pounds when I met my God, yeah, no exaggeration,
I know. And then, um, he lost three hundred pounds
because he did a gastro bypass and and was really encouraged. Um,
(13:15):
so he used to joke I lost a whole fat man,
and I'm still fat, which is a great joke. Um,
But then it plateaued. And then once we got married.
I just I feel like he said a lot of
things because he wanted a lot of things but really
maybe couldn't, which is I think in an addict trait,
right Like, so, yeah, in hindsight. And so you guys
(13:38):
were in the process of divorcing when he passed away
in two thousand seventeen. Yeah, in a brutal divorce like
it was. Oh, it was awful. It was awful. Like
you hear about aw full divorces. Ours was all we
had two houses. We had one in Tennessee and then
one in California and um, and he filed in Tennessee,
which has been in his mind and favorable place to file. Really,
(14:02):
the more favorable part of that was child support because
Tennessee does not have a good child support for California
and the kids had been living in California at school.
We've been in this house for years with the kids.
But touring out of Tennessee made sense for him. And
uh so we had a jurisdictional battle before we could
even get to the divorce and it lasted forever. And yeah,
(14:23):
he passed before, you know, before we were able to finish.
Good times. A lot of a lot of people ask
this question, and I know they're going to be thinking
about it. When somebody dies during the pendency of a divorce,
unless they've changed their will, it all goes to the
other spouse, correct. Yeah, I'm the executor. So like I
(14:44):
worked for my husband's business for our entire marriage, I
totally was involved in every aspect of his career, and
I still am working for him postmortem even after the divorce,
which is like a really weird and listeners, this this
should not be incentive to kill your spout during the
pendency of the divorce. That's not what I'm recommending at all.
I just wanted. I know, people ask that question of
(15:05):
me all the time, and it could go to probate,
it depends, but in your case, no, and you guys
have to No, No, I would through probate. Oh it did, well, yeah,
not the will. The will was not contested, but and
I did not have anything to do with his death.
Does not endorse yeah, we do not endorse murder. No. No,
(15:29):
I actually couldn't even talk to him, like I loved
him so much all those years, and the last year
of his life. I didn't speak to him for the
last twelve months, so we just I couldn't talk to him.
He was so angry at himself, really, but I was
the closest person to that. We see that a lot
people taking it out on the person who's closest to
them and who they believe will love them unconditionally, and
then if somehow it seems that they're not going to
(15:51):
love them unconditionally or at least stay with them unconditionally,
then they lash out. I mean, so you ended up
making the documentary after he had passed away. Yeah, premiered
last year in Nashville, Yes, Yes, on the anniversary of
his passing, which was particularly special because Nashville was a
(16:11):
special place for him, so I wanted it just felt
so like crazy perfect that we were able to premiere
there and you guys won an award Best of the Festival.
That's amazing. That's amazing. And where where where can people
see it now? Well, right now, it's going to have
another screening at the Atlanta Film Festival. But everything changed
(16:33):
with covid. We had a bunch of festivals lined up
and so um, we're just waiting to figure out where
it's going to stream. Like that's a slow everything's a
very slow process and U and so covid hasn't made
that any faster and uh, but it will, it will stream.
People can actually sign up on the website on What's
Eating Ralphie may dot com for email updates when we do,
(16:55):
and then obviously social media all of that is still
going for him and myself. So yeah, it's a great film.
You're gonna see it. It's just gonna be a matter
of time before we figure out where. And you live
in l A now, Lana, Yes, Yes, and you and
your and your kids are how old now? Oh? My
daughter just turned thirteen and my son's eleven. So yeah,
fun get ready? Teenager? Has the eye rolling begun yet? Yes? Ok,
(17:23):
it gets worse. But you're originally Canadian? Huh? I am yep,
I'm a Canadian Texan? How do you a wow? Okay?
All right, and so tell us a little bit more
about you. Well, Um, I started stand up like I'm
ear like two decades ago. Um, and I love telling
(17:43):
jokes and making people laugh. And this has been the
greatest journey. And having kids and being a stand up
has been really an interesting time. But I mean, I
feel so blessed. I like, as crazy as all of
that is, to watch my self going through the documentary
and that window of time, I feel really proud because
(18:06):
I've been able to come out of it on the
other side and be truly happy. And that was I
didn't know when I feel like I see people now
who are in the midst of their trauma and I
and I remember when I was in mind and people
would say, Okay, you're gonna get to the other side.
It's gonna be okay, and it it really, it really
has been of course, like losing Ralphie and my children
losing their father, like there's nothing we can do to
(18:28):
take that pain away. But but we were getting through
it and we've gotten so far. And also I think
helping other people can be really really healing. Like you said,
as other people were saying, just get through it, just
get through it. Now you can be the person on
the other side going come on. I got to like,
let me help you through this, watch this story, let
me tell you, and also let me make you laugh
(18:49):
a little bit totally. It was interesting because when I
was going through my divorce, I started talking about it
on stage and it completely changed my my relationship with
the audience. Like for the first time ever after my show,
people would come up and we would like hug each other,
and I think people are laugh but they'd also feel
like an emotional connection because we've all gone through some
(19:12):
sort of traumatic experience and so many people through divorce
and loss, and so being able to share that with
others and make them laugh through it has been really
powerful for me. I bet, And you're working on a book, yes,
as a companion piece. Yeah, Because when we premiered the
film and then the few screenings that We've had people
have come up with so many questions for me, and
(19:34):
so I felt like there needed to be an additional
component to the movie. And uh and so yeah, we're
editing that now. And as soon as I find the
film at home, I'm going to find the book a publisher. Awesome.
This is It's Over Easy podcast All's Fair with Laura Wasser.
I'm Laura your host, and today's show is about divorce. Certainly,
(19:57):
the experience we're listening to today is a caution a tale.
But remember, though the past may loom large, it's the
present where you have the power. There's no sliding doors
moments in real life, but there are next chapters. Our
guest today is turning her next chapter into a true catharsis,
and she's doing it with humor. She's one of the
funniest comedians on the circuit these days. Just search her
(20:18):
name on YouTube, Amazon or iTunes to watch and listen
to her razor sharp wit and hilarious songs, including the
first ever comedy visual album called Lye Maid. She's also
producing and starring in the documentary What's Eating Ralphie May,
which includes footage from the last days her husband was
alive and the early stages of their divorce. Lana and
the article you wrote for the Insights blog on It's
(20:39):
Over Easy, you say that you wish you could have
had an amicable divorce. What do you think it is
that stopped you and Ralphie from being amicable? I get
the jurisdiction issues and then that boils down to money.
But tell us a little bit more in your own
words what you think really was the precluder? Uh? For sure,
drugs and absolutely enablers and him having access to finance
(21:02):
was not healthy at all in the divorce because I
was the outspouse, so I was told, and that happened
very early on. So we had a business manager in Nashville,
this company called Baden, and they assided in the divorce,
like they represented both of us as a business manager.
But as soon as the divorce happened, he was the
income earner, so they went with him. And then they
(21:22):
had a relationship with his divorce attorney in Nashville, Rose Palermo,
who was paid every single month. So it was with
her on a case right now. She's very good. She's
she's known as a very aggressive divorce attorney and she
likes to collect every penny. So when you mentioned probate,
she came after her very last bill, and probate when
(21:44):
she'd made so much money through the entire divorce, and
her final bill closed on the day he died, So
she build him to learn that he died, to learn
that he died, like I just I when I saw that,
I imagined the conversation of her assistant walk in the
office and saying, Rose Ralphie's passed, and her writing one
quarter hour, that's exactly what happened. Okay. Do you want
(22:07):
to hear a great joke that you can use that's
the reverse of that. So there's a divorce attorney, old
guy who actually, we'll make it, will make it a
woman in this situation. Okay, I can't imagine what her
name would be hypothetically speaking. But she dies, and her
client calls the office and says, hi is so and
so there, And the reception says, I'm so sorry to
tell you this, Mss so and so, but she died,
(22:28):
and the woman says, oh, okay. Next day calls again,
Hi is so and so there? No, I'm afraid she died.
Oh okay, three days in a row, calls again, Hi
is so and so they're no afraid she died, didn't
you call the past two days? I mean I told
you she died, right, Yes, But I just love hearing
it again. All Fair podcast does not endorse murder or
(22:55):
killing your attorney. They didn't. She didn't kill her. She
was just happy to hear she was dead. Just love
listening to the words. No, I'm sorry she died anyways. Uh,
back to your story, I mean, tell us so so
he had the access to the funds, he was spending
whatever he wanted. You were the outspouse, which I which
I know, is extremely frustrating, especially when you have business
(23:18):
managers that have fiduciary duties to both of you and
they decided to go with the money and enablers. As
you said, I see this happen a lot with people
in the entertainment industry. You've got a bunch of people
who are earning a percentage of whatever Ralphie or whoever
the entertainer is earned. So they want to make sure
that they're producing, getting on stage, doing what they're supposed
(23:39):
to do so that they get their percentage. But they
also want to make sure that they keep their gigs
so there's a lot of yes men involved, and and
and you as the out spouse, and often the family
law attorneys. And again I can't speak for Rose in
this situation, but a lot of times I'm the first
professional that's saying to a client like no, and they're like,
what do you mean? No? Nobody says no, I said,
I said, I built by the or I don't get
(24:00):
a percentage. No, I'm not going to blow sunshine if
you're ask and tell you something that's actually not going
to happen. And again, if your kids lived in California,
that's where the case should have been. Okay, So totally right.
And it's funny you just basically told the story because
that's totally what happened. I mean, like he had a
um a friend to become his professional manager who just
(24:22):
navigated everything and kept him on the road so much
that like he was look, I mean at his size,
he wasn't and he wasn't taking care of himself. There
was no way he was going to be okay. But
I mean with that much work and the pressure of
everything else in life, and then and then the stress
of a divorce to boot and the drugs, just the
whole combination was really really it wasn't gonna end well,
(24:45):
and it didn't. Um but yeah, I mean even Vade
and the business manager, their case got thrown out of
um probate because they got busted pulling money out of
his account after he died. Yeah, that's it was no, no,
big no, no, they knew better. But you know, I
mean that was the motivation and the whole thing money.
(25:07):
So it's how old was he when he died, Lana, Uh,
he was forty four. I think way too young. Yeah, yeah,
he's too young. I spent a good part of yesterday
on the phone with a woman in her seventies, and
she was the owner's spouse. She had a lot of money,
and we were talking about spousal support and she kept saying, now,
(25:29):
if I die, because this is stressing me out so much,
he's not going to get anything. And I said, okay,
I'll let them know. But I don't know that that's
a big motivator. Okay, we want to we want to
keep you alive so we can finish the case, you know.
But it's just it is whatever he was experiencing as
a result of his weight and the vacillation of losing
and gaining and the drugs and not taking care of himself,
(25:50):
ambing on the road. I assure you that going through
the litigation incident to the divorce, particularly with kids and
you who had been his you know, try and true
for all of these years, that I am sure exacerbated.
Oh yeah, no, without a doubt. There were so many
other crazy things that were going on through the whole
experience for him. I just, yeah, it just wasn't gonna
(26:13):
gonna go well. But I was like, when you said
it shouldn't go to Tennessee, I could not believe that
they Now we kept custody in California, but they were
going to determine child support. I don't know how you
can determine child support out of Tennessee when your custody
stays in California. And that was the crazy. I had
to hire an attorney that could work in both states.
And I don't know if you know Crystal boating House.
(26:34):
I don't know if you know her, but do you
know the name? Yes? And she was great. So she
came in and I mean Tennessee was so different than California.
The two courts, Like the judge in Tennessee was literally
like it felt like I was in the Duxa Hazards.
It's like, hey, they're a little lady. Because after right
up to the council table and I noticed you're wearing pants.
We don't wear pants in this courtroom. And you're like,
(26:55):
it's the two thousands, what are you talking about? It
was crazy. And Crystal walked in there and it just
created having. It was awesome to watch because she came
in and she could say, this is what the cost
of living is in California, because it's hard to comprehend
in Tennessee how much more money it is here and
we have. I mean, it's it really is. California is
so much higher than other states. I mean even on
(27:16):
the West coast, Washington State is like a fifteenth of
what they give you in California, which is also why
we have so many people coming here specifically for the
purpose of I'm gonna come here, I'm gonna get pregnant,
I'm gonna have a kid, show me the money. I know,
that wasn't you. I'm just saying we have a lot
of forum shopping with people coming here because it's so high. Yeah. No,
(27:38):
And I wasn't for umed. I mean the kids were.
They had to actually so Ralph, he had filed it
said it was a reported that I was one that
filed for divorce. I should have, but I never would have.
I was, I didn't. I always I believe in in
the commitment that I made and I was with him
and I knew he was sick and I would never
have left him. But he had filed in Tennessee, and
(27:58):
his first filing he claimed the kids were going to
school there. They never went to school there. They've been
in school in California for like five years, so there
was no proving that. So anyways, they unfiled that first filing,
and then we tried for about six months to keep
the marriage together, and then he refiled, and then I
had to file in California, and it just yeah, and
(28:18):
that's crazy. And the problem is, I mean, I really
feel for you, because, as we speak about so much
on this show, Johnny, don't we and at its over reasons.
When you have children, that person will be in your
life for the rest of your lives. And what generally
happens is as the dust settles, you build a rapport,
you rebuild the relationship, You remember the things you loved
about them as you're co parenting with them, and even
(28:42):
though it's really shitty as you're going through it, once
you get out the other side and you've each started
your next chapters, generally you figure out a way to
get along much better and you can continue having that relationship.
Not only did your kids lose the ability to grow
up with their dad, which is tragic, but you and
he never got to kind of get to that point
where you go, you know what, that sucked. Sorry, but
(29:04):
I do love you and you are my family, and
let's move on and let's be there for each other.
And I that's something that I grieve for you that
you weren't able to have that, because it really is.
I have it with both of the dads of both
of my kids, and it's huge. Yeah, no, I I
wish that. You know, there's things whenever you lose somebody,
it doesn't matter through if it was your spouse or
(29:24):
anyone else in your life, there's always those loose ends
that you didn't those things that you say, I wish
I could have had this opportunity or that opportunity. Even
if you were, you know, with them in the last
final moments, you still have so much regret, and so
there's a lot of things that I wish I could
go back in time and and say, but that we
it was impossible to talk to him at the end
(29:45):
of his life, and honestly, he he was he was
so unhealthy like that last year he he couldn't even
make his required phone calls with the kids, and and
he had um visitations in which he would come to
town to see them and then with no show, like
he'd come specifically to l A to see the kids
(30:05):
and wouldn't even Yeah, it was and that was really
really hard and hard. I'm sure I feel for my
kids so much because they obviously deserved more than that,
and they and I don't think it was for lack
of love on his part at all. He was just
he was really, really sick and it's really sad. And
he had people who, like you said earlier, that we're
(30:26):
willing to do all that bidding for him and keep
him in that state. So yeah, well you definitely have
done a mitzvah, as they say in my tribe, in
terms of you know, okay in our tribe, in terms
of making sure that he's remembered well that it is
a cautionary tale, and I think that's huge from your
(30:48):
divorce story. You're obviously familiar with how we lawyers gather
our information, but we've adapted the interrogatories, which is a
discovery format um, to do some discovery of our own
about our guests right here on All's fair. So, Lana,
do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth? Absolutely? Okay. The first one
you don't have in front of you, because I've been
(31:08):
thinking about it. I just it's not a trick question.
But what's with the name? Did your parents know they
were naming you Lana Turner? I mean, like after this
famous actress so um. In our tribe, they like to
name the children out with the first initial of a relative,
and my grandfather's name was lu so they went with Lana,
and my parents knew of Lanta Turner, but we're not
(31:30):
worried about it at the time. I just went with it.
And she was just l A n a right. She
wasn't spelled like you are. Okay, Yes, that's a beautiful name,
all right. So which relationship in your life has had
the most profound impact, Lana? So I have like two answers, obviously,
The first one would have to be chocolate. It gets
(31:52):
you through everything. Yes, it's been a godsend. Um. But
and then and then I have to go with, of
course my children, because I would not have made it
through things in a healthy way without my kids. They're awesome,
They're my lifeline. Okay, I like that. What's your favorite
love song? So I was thinking about this one and
(32:13):
that I would have to do some ruthless self promotion here,
and I'm gonna curse. I'm gonna say, um, I'm gonna
have to say one of my songs, and then I'll
give you My other favorite love song is um. When
I went through my divorce with Ralphie, I was I
was pretty piste off when he filed, and I wrote
a album of comedy songs called Lime Maide. It came
out around the same time as Beyonce's Lemonade, So so
(32:33):
it's kind of a parody knot in the songs, but
in the in the fact that he did the visual album.
So my favorite love song from that album was he
loved the pussy, but he hated the cunt. Oh my god,
can you can you? How much? Can you sing? A
few bars? Uh? You can check it out online. Okay, okay,
but but that's the hook. So ryme any word with kunt,
(32:55):
which is my favorite word, by the way. I know
a lot of people don't like that word, but it's
one of my favorites because it's really it purnt across it.
So anywhere that rhymes with that, just hummed that out
and then rhyme it with kuent and you've got the song.
But it's my favorite love It's definitely a broken hearted
love song, but um, my favorite love song out there. Now,
i'd have to say I love Somebody by depeche Mode. Yes, good,
(33:19):
I love depeche Mode. Ye. We've represented a few members
of Depeche Mode. I'm an alt rock girl at heart,
so like a lot of them like pop stuff. I
don't know, but like give me a good like k
Rock band or All Nation band or Lithium band. I'm
I'm in I think everybody. For any story that you hear,
(33:40):
you're like, yeah, I represented that person once. Oh yeah,
I don't. I don't intimate details about everything in their life.
That that means I've been doing this for too long. Probably.
What's the one piece of advice that you'd share with
your twenty something year old self that is easy, which
is the only person that I can change is me,
which is really the message of that film because I
(34:03):
am the poster child for codependency. When I look at
that movie, I just want to reach in and grab
myself and pull myself out of it because I really
believed that I could help him change and you can't.
But then when I started to change is when things
got better for me. So that awesome advice. I like that, Okay.
And finally, Lana, which romantic comedy could you watch on repeat?
(34:26):
So that also will have two answers because right now
during the pandemic is groundhog Day? Yes, yes, um. But
my favorite love story of all time has to be
because of the very last scene of the movie Annie Hall.
M hmm. Do you remember, like the final quote at
the end is you know, you put up with all
(34:48):
the crazy and you go through everything that you go
through for a relationship because you just need the eggs totally.
And again, we spoke a bit at the top of
the show with Johnny before you came on about Bader
Ginsburg and some of her advice for marriage, and one
of her pieces of advice is that what her mother
in law told her on her wedding day was sometimes
you just have to be a little bit deaf in
(35:09):
a marriage, like just you get you get past it anyway, Lana,
thank you for making us laugh and cry a little today.
Tell people where they can download your music and find
your videos online and get the latest updates about the movie. Sure,
Like you said, my name spelled with an H, so
it's l a h n A. Otherwise backwards it's anal,
(35:29):
So always tell people that's how you can my goodness
good to know I can remember that, you can remember that.
So l a h n A Turner to you R
N E R. And I'm on all social media platforms.
So the video, like all my music is on YouTube,
and you can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all
those places. And like I said before, the movie is
on the website What's Eating Ralphie May dot com. And
(35:49):
I have a website, Lana Turner dot com that will
get you to all those other places as well. So awesome.
Thank you, thank you for joining us, thank you for
sharing with us. So many people that we work with
and listen to this podcast needed to hear this story,
and we wish you well and We're all going to
watch the movie too. Thank you so much. You guys
are awesome. Thank you Lan. Yeah, so that was amazing.
(36:11):
I mean, I can't tell you how many people wish
that their spouses would drop dead in the middle of
a divorce, but that definitely is a sad story. Oh
my gosh. And to have it all on film too
is really incredible. Yeah. So, for more information about divorce
and what to expect, visit it's over easy dot com
backslash Insights. There's also our private Facebook group at its
(36:32):
over easy community, where you can find our flipbook What
to Expect when Getting Divorced and videos from recent Facebook
lives featuring Laura live answering questions about divorce. We're not
trying to promote divorce. We just want people to know
how to handle it if or when it happens to you.
And once you do embark upon the separation or divorce process,
it's very important to remember three key things. Be kind,
(36:54):
be reasonable, and be brief. Remember that this person will
no longer be your spouse, but he or she will
continue to be your co parent, family member, and perhaps
business partner in certain assets or entities unless they die.
That's our show for today, folks. But if you've subscribed,
scroll on through our feed to see what else we're
talking about. Click to rate us at Apple Podcasts and
write us a quick review so we know what you
(37:16):
want to hear. Let's speak next week. Bye bye,
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