January 9, 2024 • 48 mins
January is the month most people reevaluate their relationships. Amy and T.J. question if they are truly compatible. Was it all worth it? Are they the perfect pair? They put their love to the test and you should too.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
All right, hey there everybody, Hey, me and TJ. Here,
we are into the new year. We hope your new
year and your resolutions are still on track. We are
well into now roads Dry January. So tell everybody how
you doing. All right?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Well, I have been waking up feeling refreshed and energetic
in a way that I haven't before, so that is awesome.
And I definitely feel the effects of the toxins leaving
my body.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
But all positive.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Well, the only thing is I still feel a little
angry when I can't have a glass of wine at night,
like when I sit down on the couch and have
a movie going. It's just maybe it's just a pattern,
or it's just I don't know, if it's just the
experience of holding the glass.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
It's it's been a little tough.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I'm still not there yet where this feels perfectly free
and fine.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Okay, but physically it feels amazing. Okay, Yeah, I love it.
This is a lot of people know that I've done
this for ten fifteen plus years and now always do
it Dry January. This is Rob's first time to fully
be on board with it, and on a matter of days,
you almost forget that you're not drinking, and it just
(01:15):
we drink so much water, you're so hydrated, and you
have some mocktails.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Is so I've been drinking club soda. I have a
little lemon or a line in it. And you actually
got me this idea. So we got some rosemary.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yes it's a Cranberry spritzer that I learned from eight
years ago, but Cranberry's juice, sparkling water and a little rosemary.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I'm not doing the juice, but I've got the rosemary,
which actually was a nice little touch.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Maybe I'll try some mint. But I'm not there yet.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Where you forget that you're not drinking. I am not there.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Are you there? Yeah, it's not even that. I don't
even think about it being a part of the day anymore.
It's and I'm telling you, on January thirty one, you
will not be planning what you're going to drink on
February one.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
You will not totally disagree with you this conversation. Last
night we were walking back and you said you're not
gonna want to have a drink on February one, and
I started laughing.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Tell me, yeah, all right, one hundred percent, I'm going
to want to drink up there. We're putting it out
there right now, and folks watch when you get there.
It's just not you're not going to plan something around it.
So we will get to that. I was actually already
talking about making reservations at this really cool bar. Nope,
not interested. Oh my gosh, Okay, we'll see. Well that's uh,
we're starting the we're starting the new year again. Hope
(02:26):
you're good with your resolutions. We also had a big
birthday since the since the new year came around, that
big birthday belonged to wrote a little one bean, my
little one. She turned eleven on January sixth. We had
a really good She wanted to go right, She didn't
want to party, didn't want friends around. I want a
big trip? Do want anything? What does she want to do? Shop?
(02:47):
Take me shopping? That means she's officially a tween? Is
that what that is? Yes?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
So it's funny. My daughter turned twenty one eight days
before your daughter turned eleven. Right, so, and my daughter
wanted a party.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
That's shocking, But that's twenty one. Oh that's different. But
that was a big It was a big thing for Sabine,
and you were a big part of the birthday, and
you have been in and look, everybody's familiar with our
story over the past year if you're listening here, But
it's when you have a new relationship where they are divorces,
they're kids involved, you're always trying to find the right
balance between your kids and your partner and bringing everybody together.
(03:21):
And you have said it to you privately, I'll say
it here publicly. You've been great and it's been one
of the great, great, great joys over the past several
months six months plus. Is how Sabine has really taken it.
She's known you since she was one, but known you
in a different capacity now. Has been really cool to
watch and see her elect too. And even sometimes when
I pick her from school, I say, yeah, no, Robot's
(03:43):
not at the house and then she's like, okay, then
I don't want to come because she's disappointed you're not
there's and again, it is very sweet and it has
been a really cool thing. It's been really cool to watch.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
And as we've mentioned, our daughters have known each other.
My daughter's baby sat your daughter when she was little,
and I know they communicated on her birthday as well,
which was very sweet and it's just nice to see
everything becoming normal and getting easier and effortless, actually because
it was effort before and maybe that was just us
putting the effort on the situation. But it's been great.
(04:16):
And I love I mean, I love boys, and I
love all of that. But I'm a girl mom, I
always have been, so it comes very easily to me.
And yeah, you kind of let.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Girls lead the way.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
You can't tell a girl who to like, who to
hang out with, what.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
To think, what to do. That just doesn't end well.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
So I at least have had that experience growing up
with my daughters, so it's served me well on navigating
all of this.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So that's been great. She was actually with us, she
was with us last night. Yeah, we're talking about movies,
watching a horror movie of course with her conjuring too.
It's so good. She loved it, right, she loved it.
But I think everybody knows at this point we are
big horror movie. We have not seen I cannot remember
the last movie we saw at a theater that was
not a horror movie, but now we have one. We
(05:07):
actually saw a movie in the theater a couple of
days ago that was not a horror movie.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yes, and we took on some heavy themes, but with
some levity, right, some social satire.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
American it was American fiction. I was told to watch
this by one of my boys. His his message. A
brother came to me and sent a message, Happy New Year,
and see American fiction is what he told us to do.
He followed up by saying, see it with a theater
full of white people. It makes it better. He was
not kidding. I get it now, I didn't know it.
(05:38):
So we went to the Angelica Film Festival. Film House
is what it's called.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
I believe it's in Soho and sure enough it was
about eighty five percent white.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Would you say, maybe even higher, maybe ninety percent white
for sure. But if you don't know what the movie
is about, it essentially takes on these themes that we
have in our society, a lot of racial themes. But
this idea that so often in media or and business,
that black voices and black stories aren't told unless they
are greenlit by a white person executive. Those stories have
(06:10):
to fit into what that white person thinks the black
experience is. So oftentimes it's not an accurate depiction. It's
some stereotypical depiction of what black life is supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
And there were some subtle nots to that, and some
overt ones and some very funny ones throughout and what
was notable, And you and I both realized at one
point that some very funny scenes we were the only
people laughing.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Because truly, if I weren't sitting.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Next to you, and you weren't my boyfriend, I might
have been afraid to laugh at them too, And I
think that's what was happening. The white folks in the
theater were like, can I laugh at that? Because it
was so outrageous but true at the same time. And
it was uncomfortable, which is what the whole point was.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
But it's specifically what, yes, what the movie is meant
to be and to do. And there were times, I
don't say uncomfortable, but I always felt like I was
being rude because I was falling onto my chair laughing
at some of the jokes in that movie. And it's
dead silence in the theater.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
And your laughter gave me pervision to laugh because clearly
it was funny, and so I decided to laugh with you.
And there were I would say multiple times, were were
the only two people laughing at very funny scenes in
the theater.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
This was for a lot of and for black folks
who cheer this movie and it's funny and it's again,
it's brilliant. It will be in the Oscars race, for sure.
Jeffrey Wright is amazing as well in the lead. He's
a wonderful actor that you all know. But for me,
so many things I saw in the movie are things
that I dealt with, certainly in newsrooms across the country
over the past all of my career. But the one
(07:46):
in particular has to do with, right, this is what
I think of black people, and if you don't tell
the story from that angle, then I'm not going to
get your story on. And I've had that issue in
newsrooms plenty of time, talk to you about this plenty.
But being in a morning meeting where there's forty people
in the meeting, thirty eight of them are white, I'm
(08:07):
the one black male, And for so many times the
story gets pitched and we hear the person pitching the
story about a black person will put a caveat this
person out of da no, no, no no. But it's okay.
We can interview. They are so well spoken, they really
they speak so well. So what they were doing in
all those times, all those meetings was explaining to every
all the white people that it's okay to put this
(08:28):
black person on because I know what you're thinking. When
I say black person, you think they are this. They
talk like this, they look like this, say no, no, no, no,
this white. I heard that so many times. And this
movie brings up those themes and they do it in
a comedic way that it should spark a better conversation.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, it validates your experience and it hopefully educates people
who couldn't possibly have had that experience.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So please go again. We highly endorse that movie American fiction.
We rarely endorse something that's not a horror movie, but
this one's great. Yeah, there've been a couple of them too.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
We watched You People Streaming and The Blackening also those
All three of those movies take on similar themes in
different ways of storytelling. That is very entertaining, and I
really do think you learn something from it when you're
watching it as a white person.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yes, and you learn that. We can never admit that
we ever watch Friends, which I haven't, by the way,
and of course I have, but we talk about drive
Junior here at the top. But we're into this new year,
and something that's on a lot of people's minds right now,
of course is relationships. Either you are starting anew and
you want to maybe get out of one, or you're
(09:38):
looking to get into one. But the beginning of the
year has two days in particular, they got something for everybody.
I was gonna say, both could be true. Yeah what
you just said, so, yes, we found this out.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I didn't know this beforehand, but there's a thing called
divorce Day in this country, and lawyers have now kind
of said, hey, this is the day. It's the Monday
after January one each year where they say this is
the biggest day for couples to file for divorce or
contact a divorce lawyer to say, hey, I want to
(10:11):
end this relationship. And January, I think has also been
just divorce month because people finally say, okay, we made
it through the holidays and I'm very now certain I
don't want to be with this person for the rest
of the year. And coincidentally, it was yesterday, actually Monday,
January seventh of this year, or actually it was Sunday, Sunday,
(10:32):
the second sorry Sunday to seventh is called Dating Sunday
or Dating Day, and that is an actual day that
has been recorded that apps dating apps across the board
around the world see the biggest increase in volume and
likes and response times all of that because people on
that Sunday after New Year say hey, I want to
(10:53):
be in or at least find some sort of relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
So chances are if you're hearing our voice, you are
in one of those categories that maybe trying to get
out of a relationship with sounds like a down or a
bad thing, but it can be a very positive thing
for a lot of people but looking for something new.
So we were curious about divorce Day and in particular
dating Day as we turn the page on another year.
So Michael k the global head of communications for Okay
(11:17):
cup it is in studio here with us and let
me start with that. How big of an uptick are
we talking about? You all see in dating apps? See
Michael on Dating Sunday.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
So, first of all, thank you for having me. It's
an honor to be here as a listener and as
a fan.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Thank you, Thank.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
You honor to be here. Dating Sunday is pretty much
the super Bowl for all dating apps, that's all the
sports terminology you're going to be able to get out of.
But every single first Sunday of the year we see
double digit growth in terms of matches and likes and messages,
(12:01):
and it sometimes it could hover between ten to twenty percent,
and sometimes people think that feels so low, but you
have to remember there are millions and millions of people
on these dating apps, So this is happening really across
the board. If you are into online dating or if
you're trying it for the first time, dating Sunday and onward,
(12:23):
especially in the first month or so of the year,
is the time for you to be on OkCupid, hinge Hinder,
whatever your app of choice really is.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And with okay Cupid, a large part of going onto
this app is to be matched, and there's science behind it.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Correct.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Yeah, So for anyone who's unfamiliar, Okacubid was actually founded
by four math majors at Heartard and it comes as
no surprise for anyone who's been on it. We are
extremely data driven. Our algorithm is really complex, but we
at our core match people on what matters to them
(13:01):
through in app questions. It's really as simple as that
We use our questions to serve as conversation starters. They
also allow you to figure out what's important to you
and really helps you define who you are, what you're
looking for, and makes you think about what you're looking
(13:21):
for in a partner as well. So there's everything related
to dating, relationships, and sex, but also really anything that's
top of mind for our gen Z millennial gen X daters.
We have questions about black lives matter, and education reform
and gun reform, and basically if you're talking about a
topic with your friend, your family members, or your coworkers,
(13:42):
we also want to ask about it on our platform
because we are an app that foster's connection and conversation.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Well, ok, ellen that point. So many folks will go
into you meet somebody, You go into a bar, there's
a friend, there's a We're used to meeting people in
that organic way. Of course, apps have changed that. Is
this a better system? You all have found in that
when they do take the questionnaires, people have a better
chance when they do answer these questions, when they do
(14:10):
get their match percentage. Maybe you can figure that out
if you met somebody at the bar, but it might
take you longer. What are the results you all have
seen over the years in terms of matching people.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, I think it's a better system, but it's also
a more convenient system. You know, when you look at
people daters today, they're dating very different than our parents.
My parents went on a first date, they were a
blind first date. They're together over sixty years. And for
their generation, people were meeting in these gathering places. They
(14:43):
were meeting at temple, they were meeting at church, they
were meeting through family. But that's not how people are
connecting today anymore. So it makes dating apps make it
a lot more convenient for the person who's extremely busy
and can't take time out of their days, nights, and
weekends to go on fifty first dates, and it allows
(15:05):
them to kind of comb through that list and really
easily on a dating app, find people that they're really
compatible with, that they have views that aligned with them,
and really narrowed that list down and say, I know
you're someone that there may be a connection with because
we agree on XYZ.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Yeah, and I did say this.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I believe last week that one of the things I
learned in twenty twenty three was that, yes, chemistry is important,
but compatibility. I feel like is the most important part
of a relationship. And so to that point, TJ and I,
I mean, we know we have chemistry and I think
we're compatible. We are, Okay, I do, I think so too,
(15:45):
But does the science back that up?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
We don't need it too, baby, So we're gonna find out.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So we actually asked Michael to give us some of
the questions that they ask anyone who goes onto their
apps to fill out and then they're then matched with someone.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
So we did the questions this weekend. Over the weekend,
we don't know what each other answered, and Michael has
the results of what our questionnaire.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Shows whether or not we're a match or not. There's
a percentage right, yes, yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
As a match percentage on every user.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Scenes Okay, I'm definitely a little nervous, But when we
come back, we're going to get the results and talk
about what it all means.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
All right, We're back here with a moment of truth, folks.
We got Michael k the global head of communications for
our kay cup It here in studio with us. We've
been talking about nash Well, divorce Day and Dating app Day,
and everybody has relationships on their mind. Around to possibly
get out of one or get into a new one.
And dating apps are a big part of that. And okay,
(16:54):
cupe it is one that gives you a questionnaire, you
fill it out, other people fill it out, and then okay,
keep it two you whether or not you are a match.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I wonder how many already established couples like ourselves go
on to then take this quiz and find out after
the fact we're doing it backward they're actually comfatible or
what their match percentage is. Okay, So Michael helped us
out with this, so they sent us a list of questions.
Robot and I filled them out over the weekend. We
didn't see the other's answers, so we have no idea.
(17:25):
But it's about to be revealed, all right, Michael. He's
gonna tell us if we had done this as two
singles on the app, would we have been matched, or
what our match percentage is? So let's start there. What
is our match percentI is, Michael, So I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Unvolve that later. We're really gonna make you wait for this,
but I will say, Okay, we're definitely doing it backwards.
But I've done this a lot with people who are
already dating, engaged, married, Okay, and I have to say,
y'all agreed on a lot, okay, overwhelmingly. Okay, so we're
(18:02):
starting off on a strong place. Okay, so let's kick
it off there. You're both and no one yell at me.
They call themselves this. You're both extroverts, you're both intense people.
You're mourning people. You enjoy relaxing at home. You're closer
with your family, you're open to cooking together. But I
don't want anyone to get bored. We definitely asked saucy
(18:24):
questions too, and you're all really aligned there as well.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
So you so we're boring, is what you're saying.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Not for much longer. You both enjoy sex more than
for play. You're both super into post workout sex and
shower sex, and people they prefer cuffs over ropes. So
there was literally no question off limits in this test,
(18:55):
which made it so.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Much more fun.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
I feel like I've known you guys for years as well,
so there was a lot in the bedroom out of
the bedroom that you aligned on, solid, solid star.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I now know us better than my parents do.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, don't listen to this one. You're going to edit
that out, So is there anything there that shocked you?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
No? No, Actually, the thing is we know each other.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Really really, we've been friends now for nine years, and
so when we it's an interesting thing when you're when
you don't have romantic designs on someone, you're more willing
to be telling all and vulnerable. And I let him
see Mike works. He let me see his in a
way that I don't think you would do if you
just started out dating. So we actually know, maybe even
(19:39):
too much about it.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Do you have things in there that we didn't agree
on as well?
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Yes, so let's talk about where you disagree it. And
there were questions like, keep in mind sometimes there's multiple options,
four options, so some questions you technically disagreed, but it's
barely a disagreement. So there are a couple of things
where you answer differently. We also asked what you value
most in a partner. You disagreed on this, but I
(20:07):
loved your responses. So Amy said, communication, TJ. You said trust.
What neither of you said was physical attraction and romance,
And while both of those are absolutely important, it really
showed me that you both were looking for that deep,
meaningful relationship with a really strong foundation. So I didn't
(20:29):
even want to consider that a disagreement.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
And I actually was going back and forth between trust
and communication. I didn't know how to put one above
the other.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
Yeah it's a hard one. Yeah, it's a hard one.
You also disagreed on discussing politics. Oh, yeah, that was
something you were not aligned on. You know, my parents
never talked about politics at the at the dinner table.
So it's a very different time. But almost twenty million
people on our app right now said they enjoy discussing politics,
and eight and ten people actually want to talk politics
(21:01):
with a romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Was the breakdown? I said no? When she said yes,
is that what I said?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
No? I said yes, Well, because you know what I've
always said this, maybe now a little bit less, but
when you are in the news business and you're talking
about politics at work, the last thing I want to
do when I'm not on the job or on the
clock is talk about politics. And not everybody is the same,
but it's just one of those things where I like
(21:25):
to do and talk about other things than things I
can't change that are beyond frustrating to me at a
certain point.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Maybe that's just being in the business for as long
as I have. But yeah, I don't like to take
my work home.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
See that makes sense to me because on the weekends
I'll have all my friends say, can you help me
with my hinge profile or my okay, keep it profile.
I'm like, oh, really tell me Monday through Friday eight
right eight am to five pm.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Exactly. It's my poor brother who's a doctor. He can't
go into a party without someone, you know, lifting up
their sleeve and showing him a rash and asking him
what it is. So I that's just where I stand.
You liked. We haven't talked about politics much. I think
we do, but we don't talk about it in the
way that oftentimes I think so many families do around
the dinner table. You're voted for that person, I voted
(22:08):
for this person. We are issue based conversations that we
have a lot of times. But no, I wouldn't dare like,
oh who'd you vote for? You vote for him? Oh
I would you do this promp, let's talk about Biden.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
We don't do that at all at all.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Another place where you guys disagreed, and I wonder what
you each think the other person said was is jealousy
healthy in a.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Relationship, So I said yes, I said hell no. So
I wouldn't like to.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Act on that jealousy or be petty or small. But
feeling that bit of jealousy makes me know that I
want to be with him and only him, and I
want him to be with me and only me, And
it just I don't know, it just I don't like
the feeling, and I don't want to act on it,
but knowing it's there actually in a weird way, makes
me feel good.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Two things, How do you act on jealousy?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
How would you ask by accusing somebody or saying don't
talk to that person?
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Or how dare you do this? Like? I don't think
that that's correct or right or healthy at all in
a relationship? Part too, Okay. The second thing goes back
to the question when the answer was trust. I don't
worry about it, think about it at all. It's a
trust matter with me. I don't need to get you
if you want to go do whatever you want to do.
If I see you out that window right there, talking
all flirty or whatever with anybody and like yourself out,
(23:26):
that's my woman. She's going on with me. Whatever I
see there whatever I trust that I have to, but
not to.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Speak for you. But I feel like you and I
Amy are really aligned on this question. I don't think
it's about trust for either of us. I think she
wholeheartedly trusts you.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I do.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
But if I see my boyfriend and there's another guy
at the bar talking to him, I see red. That
does not mean they should not be talking. It does
not mean I think my boyfriend is going to cross
any line.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Yep. But there is that little piece.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Of jealous I always I don't think I'm a jealous
person generally, but when you feel that little bit of twine,
it's like, ooh, like it just reminds you how you
feel about that person.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
I'm gonna I agree. I'm going to take your jealousy
out for a spin. If you're really going to stand
by that statement, Well, no, maybe it is a little
level of confidence or arrogance or even on my part
to where I look and I just it doesn't register
to me, and I guess I'm just not jealous in
that way.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Well, I hope that I would never act on it,
or that you would never see or feel or hear
anything from me.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Oh my god, You're always you're always flirty and doing
stuff and over there inside of the day which fall.
I don't know where you're stop, but there is trust there.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It doesn't mean you still can't feel that little good.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Well, I wish you could, so we require an okay,
keep it to people. Answer fifteen of these questions. Y'all
went on to answer much much more. You answer dozens
of them, and after looking at both, your response is
lie it up. Factoring in that you would also most
likely be looking for the same things in terms of
age and a partner and location and all that, we
(25:10):
scored you an eighty four percent. Oh wow, which is
really high. Everyone tries to aim for that one hundred percent.
I have never once I've been working with here five years.
I met thousands of couples. I've never met at a
couple that matched one hundred percent. And also, I don't
know if I would ever want that in a part.
You need a little bit of disagreement and misalignment, you know,
(25:32):
I think that keeps it fun and exciting. But where
you both aligned on was the really important core factors
in a relationship. It was clear from the beginning you
were aligned on family matters. You were aligned on what
you're looking for in a relationship. That's really what's most important.
And you're aligned on horror movies.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
And yeah, I did see some of the questions we
didn't get. I saw how important is religion to you?
I can't read my own writing because I don't have
my glasses on. Do you like scary movies? Could you
ever date someone really messy? We would agree on all
of those things, but I was just thinking about how
deep some of these questions do go. Yeah, why would
(26:12):
you want to answer more just to get a clearer
picture of who you might be dating?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (26:17):
Absolutely, Again, we see a lot of people actually go
on to answer more and more, and it's because the
more you answer, the more compatible your matches are going
to be. But I also think the way the questions
are written, it really challenges you as a person to say, oh,
I didn't think that would be important to me, but
it actually is. Or this used to be at the
(26:37):
top of my list, and now I don't know if
I even care about it anymore. Especially during the pandemic,
we saw a lot of people change what was important
to them because you can actually rank your questions. I do, okay,
keep it how important it is to you, that's cool.
When I first started in twenty nineteen, people all they
were answering questions about were holding hands on a date
and coffee for a first date, or if they want
(26:59):
to go to dinner or drinks. That has completely changed.
The most answered questions and the questions ranked most important
are do you support marriage equality? Do you support reproductive healthcare?
Do you think women have the right to choose what
they want to do with their own bodies? Do you
prioritize mental health? Are you open to therapy? People really
changed over the past few years what's most most important
(27:22):
to them? And I think our questions really help them
uncover their must haves and they're nice to haves.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
What would you can you overcome? You said must haves
and nice to have? But this idea of compatibility, what
did you say? A second no, you said compatibility and
something that was another way chemistry? Chemistry.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
Chemistry is fleeting, you know, I mean it can it
could just be attraction.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
But on those two things, when it as far as
you Ole's research and the questions go compatibility, we sometimes
it seems surface right. We like horror movies, that makes
us compatible. We like to cook it makes us compatible.
We enjoy a nice rose that makes us compatible. But
then when people see themselves not come patible in those ways,
they think, Okay, then that's a rap and I'm done.
(28:06):
But when they do have those things and they're so
compatible and have good chemistry, sometimes they forget about the
core those core questions. Can you overcome I'm always fascinated
by this. Can you overcome a lack of compatibility with
someone from your reason? Can you overcome that if you
(28:28):
do have the core value? Or is compatibility something that
always always needs to be there on things that seem small?
Speaker 3 (28:37):
I think you need to break down what you're talking
about in terms of comibi compatibility and what you're compatible on.
I don't care if my partner loves Harry Potter or
Taylor Swift or The Real Housewives as much as I do.
They need to stand my favorite ogs, but they don't
(28:57):
have to watch the shows as much as I do.
What I refuse to compromise on when it comes to
compatibility is how you feel about LGBTQ plus rights, black
Lives Matter, stop Asian hate, really, all these kind of
heavier things that we've been going through over the past
(29:18):
few years. And I think that's what Okay, keep it
does for you. But really, any every dating app does
this in some kind of way. It helps you figure
out as long as you're aligned on those deeper issues.
We see a lot of issues based dating. Right now,
then I think you can move on and figure out
how important the other things are and if compatibility there
(29:39):
really matters to you. My boyfriends never drink coffee. I
drink coffee daily. We're not compatible when you think of that,
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Right, Yeah, you don't like coffee. I do. We've survived
you like I just heard of it about three months ago.
That's true. Those are the things that make it interesting, right.
I heard a little while ago that there's this phrase
that a lot of folks use, even in the online
dating world.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Opposites attract and then they attack. Have you all found
that to be the case.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yes and no.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
My partner and I I would say many many ways
are opposites. There's parts of us. One's more extrovert, ones
more introvert. We've grown up differently, we're part of different religions,
we came out at different moments in our life. So
there's a lot that are definitely more opposite, but we
do again. We come together on those things that really
(30:34):
truly matter in a partnership. And I think over time,
definitely rocking in the beginning, harder in the beginning, for sure,
but over time we've started to balance each other out
and bring out the best in one another.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
What's the one thing you think a relationship has to
have in order for it to work that you all
have found in order for.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
It to last?
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Communication and transparent communication, because so many of us, I think,
and I've seen this in relationships over the years. People
hit a rough patch and they immediately think, oh, it's over,
like we absolutely have to break up. And my boyfriend
and I've been dating almost ten years this summer, and congratulations, yes,
(31:20):
thank you. We've met on Tinder and there's definitely been
rough patches over the years. There have been really hard
years and really hard moments in that decade. The reason
why we're still together is because we've communicated transparently. We've
had really tough conversations, lots of tears in those conversations,
and we've made it through the other side because in
(31:43):
those conversations we've been able to say, you know, these
are the things we're both struggling with but we want
to make it work, and here's how we're going to
make it work, and we'll come up with a process
that works for us. But if we weren't communicating, we
would have broken up years and years ago without a
second thought. So I would say communication is absolutely the
(32:04):
most important thing that's vital in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Next week, continue with Michael K, global head of communication
at okay Cubit with maybe some tips for you putting
that profile together. Stay here, back here with Michael K,
global head of communication for okay Cube, talking to you
about match percentages at okayqube. You gave us our percentage
(32:32):
a short time ago. You say we were eighty four percent.
I think match what is the average you will kind
of see on your site.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
It hovers in the seventies to nineties. That's really the
sweet spot. It's a big range, but it also depends
on where you're looking in the app as well. We
actually have a section of the app that's people we
recommend to you, and there you're going to see people
with the highest match percentage got so.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
We might not necessarily have been in each other's in box.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Eighty four percent definitely won okay, okay, okay, good, So
we're above average. That's what we're above average.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Okay, you know this is fascinating as my daughters are
now getting into the dating world. My oldest is twenty one,
my youngest is about to turn eighteen, and I keep
hearing this situationship thing thrown around. I saw that you're
seeing an increase or at least dating apps are seeing
an increase in ethical non monogamy e NM. I just
(33:31):
learned what that acronym was. But then I'm hearing situationship
at home. When people go onto these apps, are you
seeing generally the younger folks coming in not necessarily looking
for committed relationships or with some sort of destination in
mind with their relationship?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
You know, I think it really depends on the app
that you're looking at. That not every app caters to
the same demographic. For Okay, keep it. We make you
do a lot of work, admittedly to get your profile
up and running. That's actually by design. We want people
who are taking dating a little bit more seriously, which
is why we lean a lot heavier in millennials and
(34:09):
gen zers who are probably out of college.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Not my daughter's got.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
It, and you brought up ethical non monogamy and situationships.
I think there's probably a little bit of overlap between
the two, but they are separate, and I want to
distinguish between the two. Situationships tend to be between two
people who really hadn't haven't yet had that conversation about
(34:33):
what they are, where they're going. They're taking it a
little bit more slowly and aren't as in a rush
to say, you know, we're only dating each other, We're
a boyfriend girlfriend. They might still be dating around. Ethical
non monogamy is between two people who are committed and
(34:53):
have chosen in that commitment to open their relationships, and
we are seeing a ride in that. It's still the minority.
So when you look at most dating apps, the overwhelming
majority it's going to be people who are looking for
monogamous relationships. But you know, we have been seeing for
(35:14):
years arise in people interested in open relationships. I actually
don't think it's new. I think we are in a
time where people are more comfortable having these conversations more openly.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Okay, you gotta help me here. You said it's not new,
but it's just a new name or new thing to
call it. I mean I don't think it's really a
new trend. I just think we're talking about it more often.
I think if you asked your parents if they knew
anyone who had an open relationship, chances are they might
have known one or two couples. I know my parents,
who are baby boomers knew a couple like this, and
(35:49):
my aunt who's a gen xer, knows a couple of
couples like this. So I think we're just talking about it.
But do I not have the definition right ethical non monogamy?
We're just talking about open relationships. Yeah, okay, that's it.
The trade is throwing me off, okay, but now it's
being more widely accepted, or being.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
More accepted than it has been in the past perhaps
and not something to be ashamed of or to hide.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Yeah, I would say gens. One thing that gen Z
is just crushing it at is removing stigma for so
many things in our society, and gen Z are as
millennials definitely the most open to open relationships. But because
they're talking about it more, it's really relieving that stigma,
which is allowing more and more people to talk about
(36:32):
and say he actually, this is what I'm into and
that's okay, And you know there's many apps. Okay, if
you been included, that makes it really easy for you
to find other people who are looking for this as well.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Ethical non monogamy. I'm not into that, by the way. Yeah,
I'm just letting you know. Now I don't even know
what it is quite yet either, it's but yeah, there
are people who want and.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
And you know it's great for everyone else if that
floats your but I'm just letting you.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Know that it does not blow mine. And she has
multiple witnesses. Look something for us, and we'll tell you
the truth here, Michael.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
We have.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Robes and I have been through a lot together, certainly
over the past year, year and a half plus, and
so much of that we've had moments throughout that time
that are very difficult to where we there's so much
on the line for us, and there has been and
for us to be together took so much and there
was so much sacrifice and you're going into this commitment,
and there have been moments we had a really probably
(37:34):
the closest we ever got to our relationship ending was
a disagreement of fight we had that was really based
on a fear and a lack of communication to where
we thought, wow, we went through all this, and we
went did all this, and maybe we're not compatible or
maybe we missed something. So we were freaking out a
(37:54):
little bit. To hear the results today. That is not
a joke. Well, you're talking about base our first fight, right, Uh,
it was early. It was one of the first two.
I would say.
Speaker 2 (38:05):
I think you know, also, we had had such we
always had fun together. We rarely ever had an issue
where we disagreed, and we are very like minded. So yeah,
when the first thing happens the first time, you think,
oh my god, I don't know this person. I thought
I knew this person. I don't know that person. So
I mean that can happen. But the score, I do
(38:27):
feel now better about it.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Ah, But like I just met Michael. Now, oh he
gave us a stambo approval. Now we're gonna be fine.
But it was one of those things and we were,
you know, to do it. We got it revealed for
the first time by you. We didn't know what was
going to come out of it. But it was as
much as we're having fun here and talking about it.
I think everybody deals in that they're looking at a
percentage score. Okay, I'm matched with ninety percent, so we
(38:49):
should be good to go. But it's not just an
exact science and it's not just there's so much involved here.
So for people who are listening and thinking just about
a score, I need to get some I lose seventy
to ninety percent, and if I don't, then that's no good.
Give those folks some perspective here. You kind of throughout
you have done so, but just want to remind people
(39:10):
of that it's not so black and white.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
I also think people need to remember that what we
watch in a rom com is not reality by any means.
And I there's something that my parents said years ago,
way before I ever met my boyfriend or came out
of the closet or anything that's stuck with me. And
again they're baby boomers, they have gone through a lot.
(39:32):
Again I mentioned they've been married over sixty years. But
they always said people are too quick to give up,
And that's always in the back of my head in
my own relationship. That doesn't mean that you should stay
with the wrong person. Get out if it does not
make sense for you. And I think in your gut
(39:53):
you're going to know when it doesn't make sense, but
one bad fight, one bad week, does not make a
bad year or a bad relationship. And I think as
long as you're having that conversation in a very respectful way,
you can power through those bumps. For me, it's about
finding that person that you want to weather the storm with.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
I think most people know we have four divorces between us,
and I had two thirteen year marriages, so it wasn't
like cutting and running or anything, and a lot of
lessons learned along the way. But this is one of
those things where, unfortunately, sometimes you learn the hard way
what works and what doesn't. And just I'm curious, does
(40:38):
Okay Cupid follow any of these couples that you put
together and find out who makes it and who doesn't?
I mean, have you all done research and given thought
to that In terms of when people are looking for
that right person and say they have a really high
compatibility or a match percentage, What is it about couples
that makes them stay together or makes them eventually break up?
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (41:01):
I don't have an exact answer for this. What I
can say part of my job is managing our social
media and with that I have the really privilege of
reading a ton of dms that come in every single
day from people who have used okay Cupid. And because
it's a DM, it's private, they're extremely vulnerable. There's a
(41:22):
ton of them that share their wedding photos, their engagement photos,
their first children, all those success stories. And that's great.
And I actually keep a lot of people send us
wedding invitations. I keep those on my desk every day
to remind me why I do what I do. But
what I really love hearing about is the people who
may have met someone on okay Cupid and not wound
(41:45):
up with them forever, and they will unpack that for
me and tell me about that experience. And I think
we often when a relationship ends, we classify that as
a failure. We failed, it did not work. That is
not a failure, just moving on to the next chapter.
So I actually love hearing those stories of someone who says, I,
(42:06):
you know, I've met people who said I love Okay
keep it, but they're single. And people are like, why,
how do you love a dating app when you're when
you're single, They're like, well, I had several really great
partners that I met on that app and it worked
for me. Might not have worked forever, but it worked
for me at some point.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Can you tell folks and the advice to not because
you've even when I was filling out the questions, I
don't know if you did this, but you almost look
at it and you're saying, well, I should say this
or should I say this? Right, I guess you would
definitely say you need to be vulnerable, authentic, and yourself
certainly off the bed and not try to manipulate the
(42:42):
answers to try to find a certain type of person.
Speaker 3 (42:45):
That is the worst thing you can do is not
be yourself. And to your point, there's definitely people who
start out. I think the more questions you answer, you
kind of forget that you're you stop doing this because
you become less mindful of it. I think in the beginning,
people answer the way they think other people want, and
then as they continue, they just forget about it and
(43:05):
they're just becoming more and more and more honest. But
what we see happen if you are putting out a
version of yourself that you think other people are looking for,
you're only going to attract people who are looking for
that version that might not be you. So I tell
people all the time. If you don't want to be married,
that's great, say that on your dating app profile. If
(43:27):
you do not want children, there's nothing wrong with it.
I'm this is controversial. I'm not a pet person. I
don't think you guys either.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
You don't say and I have a dog.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Yeah, and I loved him, but I wouldn't consider myself
a pet person.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
Yeah, it's not my jam. But I you know, you
walk house. I mean, he's adorable. I hope he's not
listening to I know that would be awful if you
heard what I just said. Do you feel like feeling
to his point when you were feeling it out? Because
we were sitting across a table from each other, figling
it out, and then I hear her crack up laughing
as she years me make a comment. Did you find
(44:04):
yourself saying like, what would he say?
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (44:07):
Yes, for sure. Yes.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I think that's a human experience to want to put
your best foot forward. But if you actually just admit
who you are, it's going to be better in the
end because they're gonna find out absolutely.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
And I think putting your best foot forward is still
showing who you are. There's nothing wrong with what you're
interested in or what you're looking for, But you have
to be honest about it because otherwise you're going to
waste your time and you're gonna waste the other person's
time if you are just not looking for the same things.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
Same with the photos.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
You know, I know there's a lot of filters out there,
but what would you suggest?
Speaker 3 (44:38):
No filters, no group photos. If you're going to do
group photos, save it for the end of your like
little scroll of photos, and ditch the selfies. I love
a selfie. It took like three on the way here today.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Oh so did I. However, I don't need to see
that on your dating app profile.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Use I. You know, when you put any thing on
your profile, whether it's photos or something you're writing in,
I always like to think, what's the purpose that this
is serving? Is it serving as a conversation starter? Is
it showing someone what I'm interested in? So if I
were to create a dating app profile today, I would
(45:17):
post a photo of the first half marathon I ran,
me at Taylor Swift's aerostour, me at the Harry Potter
World in London, because what those photos are going to
do is one it's going to tell people my hobbies
and what I'm interested in. It also gives them something
to say to me, because hey, hi, hello. Actually have
the highest rate of being ignored on dating apps. But
(45:40):
by those three photos alone, someone can say what era
are you in? Or which was your favorite book or movie?
Or are you training for the New York City Marathon?
And you immediately jump into this conversation that's grounded in
something you're already comfortable speaking about.
Speaker 1 (45:58):
What would your pictures be?
Speaker 2 (45:59):
I knew you were announced me that for sure, the
New York City Marathon because that's a huge part of
my life. I know you said no group photos, but
I would definitely want my daughters, just for people to
know that I'm a mother, because that's a huge part
of who I am. And maybe me eating popcorn, watching
a horror movie.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
Wow, I don't know, climbing a mountain, hiking that would
have turned you off immediately.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
All of yours probably would have turned me off. I
don't know what we would imagine yours, Oh that's easy.
Me be cooking, me standing next to a razorback of
some kind probably and maybe running at this point.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Oh yeah, Georgia football would probably be a part.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Of it, maybe with a drink in hand, making mixing
a drink. Yeah, we've definitely connected over college football too.
That was another common thread we had. Michael. This has
been great. Thank you for giving our relationship the stamp
of approval. We've been looking for that palidation for a long.
Speaker 2 (47:01):
Time and Michael Kay just gave it to us and
hopefully some some things to think about as you all
continue your journey and looking for that special someone.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yeah, stay at it, folks. It's okay. And like you said,
I think that was great advice. It's okay. You're not
a failure because of relationship ends. You're moving on to
the next thing or maybe that was where you were
supposed to be at that point in your life and
you need somebody to take you through the next the
next phase of your life. So that was a great, great,
great advice. So it's a pleasure having you. Hope we
can have you back and you're here and here in
town with us, right in New York.
Speaker 3 (47:32):
Yeah absolutely, I will. I will venture more downtown for both.
Speaker 2 (47:35):
Of you, honest, all right, and after dry January preferably, I'm.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
Doing dry January as well.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Oh you are, Oh.
Speaker 2 (47:40):
Gosh, Okay, I feel so much better now, and.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
I actually will say I did dry August and I
carried into September. I wasn't in a rush. Wow, I'm
get interested to see how February first goes for you.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Well, February sixth is my birthday, so I will most
certainly have some have some drinks in my hands.
Speaker 1 (47:59):
So problem Michael, really, thank you so much, and folks,
thank you all as well. I hope you got something
out of this conversation today besides just a little fun.
So our takeaway here is, by all means, enjoy your
dry January, happy dating. Go see American Fiction. What else
does it takeaway?
Speaker 2 (48:19):
And for every relationship there is a reason, a season,
or lifetime, and it's okay if they fall into any
of those three categories.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
All right, folks, Well Amy and TJ. Here You can
follow the show at on Instagram at Amy and TJ Podcast.
You can follow both of us on Instagram as well,
But for now, this is Amy and TJ, the eighty
four percent couple. Drop the mic
All right, hey there everybody, Hey, me and TJ. Here,
we are into the new year. We hope your new
year and your resolutions are still on track. We are
well into now roads Dry January. So tell everybody how
you doing. All right?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Well, I have been waking up feeling refreshed and energetic
in a way that I haven't before, so that is awesome.
And I definitely feel the effects of the toxins leaving
my body.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
But all positive.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Well, the only thing is I still feel a little
angry when I can't have a glass of wine at night,
like when I sit down on the couch and have
a movie going. It's just maybe it's just a pattern,
or it's just I don't know, if it's just the
experience of holding the glass.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
It's it's been a little tough.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I'm still not there yet where this feels perfectly free
and fine.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Okay, but physically it feels amazing. Okay, Yeah, I love it.
This is a lot of people know that I've done
this for ten fifteen plus years and now always do
it Dry January. This is Rob's first time to fully
be on board with it, and on a matter of days,
you almost forget that you're not drinking, and it just
(01:15):
we drink so much water, you're so hydrated, and you
have some mocktails.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Is so I've been drinking club soda. I have a
little lemon or a line in it. And you actually
got me this idea. So we got some rosemary.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yes it's a Cranberry spritzer that I learned from eight
years ago, but Cranberry's juice, sparkling water and a little rosemary.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
I'm not doing the juice, but I've got the rosemary,
which actually was a nice little touch.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Maybe I'll try some mint. But I'm not there yet.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Where you forget that you're not drinking. I am not there.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Are you there? Yeah, it's not even that. I don't
even think about it being a part of the day anymore.
It's and I'm telling you, on January thirty one, you
will not be planning what you're going to drink on
February one.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
You will not totally disagree with you this conversation. Last
night we were walking back and you said you're not
gonna want to have a drink on February one, and
I started laughing.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Tell me, yeah, all right, one hundred percent, I'm going
to want to drink up there. We're putting it out
there right now, and folks watch when you get there.
It's just not you're not going to plan something around it.
So we will get to that. I was actually already
talking about making reservations at this really cool bar. Nope,
not interested. Oh my gosh, Okay, we'll see. Well that's uh,
we're starting the we're starting the new year again. Hope
(02:26):
you're good with your resolutions. We also had a big
birthday since the since the new year came around, that
big birthday belonged to wrote a little one bean, my
little one. She turned eleven on January sixth. We had
a really good She wanted to go right, She didn't
want to party, didn't want friends around. I want a
big trip? Do want anything? What does she want to do? Shop?
(02:47):
Take me shopping? That means she's officially a tween? Is
that what that is? Yes?
Speaker 2 (02:51):
So it's funny. My daughter turned twenty one eight days
before your daughter turned eleven. Right, so, and my daughter
wanted a party.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
That's shocking, But that's twenty one. Oh that's different. But
that was a big It was a big thing for Sabine,
and you were a big part of the birthday, and
you have been in and look, everybody's familiar with our
story over the past year if you're listening here, But
it's when you have a new relationship where they are divorces,
they're kids involved, you're always trying to find the right
balance between your kids and your partner and bringing everybody together.
(03:21):
And you have said it to you privately, I'll say
it here publicly. You've been great and it's been one
of the great, great, great joys over the past several
months six months plus. Is how Sabine has really taken it.
She's known you since she was one, but known you
in a different capacity now. Has been really cool to
watch and see her elect too. And even sometimes when
I pick her from school, I say, yeah, no, Robot's
(03:43):
not at the house and then she's like, okay, then
I don't want to come because she's disappointed you're not
there's and again, it is very sweet and it has
been a really cool thing. It's been really cool to watch.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
And as we've mentioned, our daughters have known each other.
My daughter's baby sat your daughter when she was little,
and I know they communicated on her birthday as well,
which was very sweet and it's just nice to see
everything becoming normal and getting easier and effortless, actually because
it was effort before and maybe that was just us
putting the effort on the situation. But it's been great.
(04:16):
And I love I mean, I love boys, and I
love all of that. But I'm a girl mom, I
always have been, so it comes very easily to me.
And yeah, you kind of let.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Girls lead the way.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
You can't tell a girl who to like, who to
hang out with, what.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
To think, what to do. That just doesn't end well.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
So I at least have had that experience growing up
with my daughters, so it's served me well on navigating
all of this.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So that's been great. She was actually with us, she
was with us last night. Yeah, we're talking about movies,
watching a horror movie of course with her conjuring too.
It's so good. She loved it, right, she loved it.
But I think everybody knows at this point we are
big horror movie. We have not seen I cannot remember
the last movie we saw at a theater that was
not a horror movie, but now we have one. We
(05:07):
actually saw a movie in the theater a couple of
days ago that was not a horror movie.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yes, and we took on some heavy themes, but with
some levity, right, some social satire.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
American it was American fiction. I was told to watch
this by one of my boys. His his message. A
brother came to me and sent a message, Happy New Year,
and see American fiction is what he told us to do.
He followed up by saying, see it with a theater
full of white people. It makes it better. He was
not kidding. I get it now, I didn't know it.
(05:38):
So we went to the Angelica Film Festival. Film House
is what it's called.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
I believe it's in Soho and sure enough it was
about eighty five percent white.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Would you say, maybe even higher, maybe ninety percent white
for sure. But if you don't know what the movie
is about, it essentially takes on these themes that we
have in our society, a lot of racial themes. But
this idea that so often in media or and business,
that black voices and black stories aren't told unless they
are greenlit by a white person executive. Those stories have
(06:10):
to fit into what that white person thinks the black
experience is. So oftentimes it's not an accurate depiction. It's
some stereotypical depiction of what black life is supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
And there were some subtle nots to that, and some
overt ones and some very funny ones throughout and what
was notable, And you and I both realized at one
point that some very funny scenes we were the only
people laughing.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Because truly, if I weren't sitting.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Next to you, and you weren't my boyfriend, I might
have been afraid to laugh at them too, And I
think that's what was happening. The white folks in the
theater were like, can I laugh at that? Because it
was so outrageous but true at the same time. And
it was uncomfortable, which is what the whole point was.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
But it's specifically what, yes, what the movie is meant
to be and to do. And there were times, I
don't say uncomfortable, but I always felt like I was
being rude because I was falling onto my chair laughing
at some of the jokes in that movie. And it's
dead silence in the theater.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
And your laughter gave me pervision to laugh because clearly
it was funny, and so I decided to laugh with you.
And there were I would say multiple times, were were
the only two people laughing at very funny scenes in
the theater.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
This was for a lot of and for black folks
who cheer this movie and it's funny and it's again,
it's brilliant. It will be in the Oscars race, for sure.
Jeffrey Wright is amazing as well in the lead. He's
a wonderful actor that you all know. But for me,
so many things I saw in the movie are things
that I dealt with, certainly in newsrooms across the country
over the past all of my career. But the one
(07:46):
in particular has to do with, right, this is what
I think of black people, and if you don't tell
the story from that angle, then I'm not going to
get your story on. And I've had that issue in
newsrooms plenty of time, talk to you about this plenty.
But being in a morning meeting where there's forty people
in the meeting, thirty eight of them are white, I'm
(08:07):
the one black male, And for so many times the
story gets pitched and we hear the person pitching the
story about a black person will put a caveat this
person out of da no, no, no no. But it's okay.
We can interview. They are so well spoken, they really
they speak so well. So what they were doing in
all those times, all those meetings was explaining to every
all the white people that it's okay to put this
(08:28):
black person on because I know what you're thinking. When
I say black person, you think they are this. They
talk like this, they look like this, say no, no, no, no,
this white. I heard that so many times. And this
movie brings up those themes and they do it in
a comedic way that it should spark a better conversation.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, it validates your experience and it hopefully educates people
who couldn't possibly have had that experience.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So please go again. We highly endorse that movie American fiction.
We rarely endorse something that's not a horror movie, but
this one's great. Yeah, there've been a couple of them too.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
We watched You People Streaming and The Blackening also those
All three of those movies take on similar themes in
different ways of storytelling. That is very entertaining, and I
really do think you learn something from it when you're
watching it as a white person.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
Yes, and you learn that. We can never admit that
we ever watch Friends, which I haven't, by the way,
and of course I have, but we talk about drive
Junior here at the top. But we're into this new year,
and something that's on a lot of people's minds right now,
of course is relationships. Either you are starting anew and
you want to maybe get out of one, or you're
(09:38):
looking to get into one. But the beginning of the
year has two days in particular, they got something for everybody.
I was gonna say, both could be true. Yeah what
you just said, so, yes, we found this out.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I didn't know this beforehand, but there's a thing called
divorce Day in this country, and lawyers have now kind
of said, hey, this is the day. It's the Monday
after January one each year where they say this is
the biggest day for couples to file for divorce or
contact a divorce lawyer to say, hey, I want to
(10:11):
end this relationship. And January, I think has also been
just divorce month because people finally say, okay, we made
it through the holidays and I'm very now certain I
don't want to be with this person for the rest
of the year. And coincidentally, it was yesterday, actually Monday,
January seventh of this year, or actually it was Sunday, Sunday,
(10:32):
the second sorry Sunday to seventh is called Dating Sunday
or Dating Day, and that is an actual day that
has been recorded that apps dating apps across the board
around the world see the biggest increase in volume and
likes and response times all of that because people on
that Sunday after New Year say hey, I want to
(10:53):
be in or at least find some sort of relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
So chances are if you're hearing our voice, you are
in one of those categories that maybe trying to get
out of a relationship with sounds like a down or a
bad thing, but it can be a very positive thing
for a lot of people but looking for something new.
So we were curious about divorce Day and in particular
dating Day as we turn the page on another year.
So Michael k the global head of communications for Okay
(11:17):
cup it is in studio here with us and let
me start with that. How big of an uptick are
we talking about? You all see in dating apps? See
Michael on Dating Sunday.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
So, first of all, thank you for having me. It's
an honor to be here as a listener and as
a fan.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Thank you, Thank.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
You honor to be here. Dating Sunday is pretty much
the super Bowl for all dating apps, that's all the
sports terminology you're going to be able to get out of.
But every single first Sunday of the year we see
double digit growth in terms of matches and likes and messages,
(12:01):
and it sometimes it could hover between ten to twenty percent,
and sometimes people think that feels so low, but you
have to remember there are millions and millions of people
on these dating apps, So this is happening really across
the board. If you are into online dating or if
you're trying it for the first time, dating Sunday and onward,
(12:23):
especially in the first month or so of the year,
is the time for you to be on OkCupid, hinge Hinder,
whatever your app of choice really is.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And with okay Cupid, a large part of going onto
this app is to be matched, and there's science behind it.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Correct.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Yeah, So for anyone who's unfamiliar, Okacubid was actually founded
by four math majors at Heartard and it comes as
no surprise for anyone who's been on it. We are
extremely data driven. Our algorithm is really complex, but we
at our core match people on what matters to them
(13:01):
through in app questions. It's really as simple as that
We use our questions to serve as conversation starters. They
also allow you to figure out what's important to you
and really helps you define who you are, what you're
looking for, and makes you think about what you're looking
(13:21):
for in a partner as well. So there's everything related
to dating, relationships, and sex, but also really anything that's
top of mind for our gen Z millennial gen X daters.
We have questions about black lives matter, and education reform
and gun reform, and basically if you're talking about a
topic with your friend, your family members, or your coworkers,
(13:42):
we also want to ask about it on our platform
because we are an app that foster's connection and conversation.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Well, ok, ellen that point. So many folks will go
into you meet somebody, You go into a bar, there's
a friend, there's a We're used to meeting people in
that organic way. Of course, apps have changed that. Is
this a better system? You all have found in that
when they do take the questionnaires, people have a better
chance when they do answer these questions, when they do
(14:10):
get their match percentage. Maybe you can figure that out
if you met somebody at the bar, but it might
take you longer. What are the results you all have
seen over the years in terms of matching people.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Yeah, I think it's a better system, but it's also
a more convenient system. You know, when you look at
people daters today, they're dating very different than our parents.
My parents went on a first date, they were a
blind first date. They're together over sixty years. And for
their generation, people were meeting in these gathering places. They
(14:43):
were meeting at temple, they were meeting at church, they
were meeting through family. But that's not how people are
connecting today anymore. So it makes dating apps make it
a lot more convenient for the person who's extremely busy
and can't take time out of their days, nights, and
weekends to go on fifty first dates, and it allows
(15:05):
them to kind of comb through that list and really
easily on a dating app, find people that they're really
compatible with, that they have views that aligned with them,
and really narrowed that list down and say, I know
you're someone that there may be a connection with because
we agree on XYZ.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Yeah, and I did say this.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I believe last week that one of the things I
learned in twenty twenty three was that, yes, chemistry is important,
but compatibility. I feel like is the most important part
of a relationship. And so to that point, TJ and I,
I mean, we know we have chemistry and I think
we're compatible. We are, Okay, I do, I think so too,
(15:45):
But does the science back that up?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
We don't need it too, baby, So we're gonna find out.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
So we actually asked Michael to give us some of
the questions that they ask anyone who goes onto their
apps to fill out and then they're then matched with someone.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
So we did the questions this weekend. Over the weekend,
we don't know what each other answered, and Michael has
the results of what our questionnaire.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Shows whether or not we're a match or not. There's
a percentage right, yes, yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
As a match percentage on every user.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Scenes Okay, I'm definitely a little nervous, But when we
come back, we're going to get the results and talk
about what it all means.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
All right, We're back here with a moment of truth, folks.
We got Michael k the global head of communications for
our kay cup It here in studio with us. We've
been talking about nash Well, divorce Day and Dating app Day,
and everybody has relationships on their mind. Around to possibly
get out of one or get into a new one.
And dating apps are a big part of that. And okay,
(16:54):
cupe it is one that gives you a questionnaire, you
fill it out, other people fill it out, and then okay,
keep it two you whether or not you are a match.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I wonder how many already established couples like ourselves go
on to then take this quiz and find out after
the fact we're doing it backward they're actually comfatible or
what their match percentage is. Okay, So Michael helped us
out with this, so they sent us a list of questions.
Robot and I filled them out over the weekend. We
didn't see the other's answers, so we have no idea.
(17:25):
But it's about to be revealed, all right, Michael. He's
gonna tell us if we had done this as two
singles on the app, would we have been matched, or
what our match percentage is? So let's start there. What
is our match percentI is, Michael, So I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
Unvolve that later. We're really gonna make you wait for this,
but I will say, Okay, we're definitely doing it backwards.
But I've done this a lot with people who are
already dating, engaged, married, Okay, and I have to say,
y'all agreed on a lot, okay, overwhelmingly. Okay, so we're
(18:02):
starting off on a strong place. Okay, so let's kick
it off there. You're both and no one yell at me.
They call themselves this. You're both extroverts, you're both intense people.
You're mourning people. You enjoy relaxing at home. You're closer
with your family, you're open to cooking together. But I
don't want anyone to get bored. We definitely asked saucy
(18:24):
questions too, and you're all really aligned there as well.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
So you so we're boring, is what you're saying.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Not for much longer. You both enjoy sex more than
for play. You're both super into post workout sex and
shower sex, and people they prefer cuffs over ropes. So
there was literally no question off limits in this test,
(18:55):
which made it so.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Much more fun.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
I feel like I've known you guys for years as well,
so there was a lot in the bedroom out of
the bedroom that you aligned on, solid, solid star.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
I now know us better than my parents do.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, don't listen to this one. You're going to edit
that out, So is there anything there that shocked you?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
No? No, Actually, the thing is we know each other.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Really really, we've been friends now for nine years, and
so when we it's an interesting thing when you're when
you don't have romantic designs on someone, you're more willing
to be telling all and vulnerable. And I let him
see Mike works. He let me see his in a
way that I don't think you would do if you
just started out dating. So we actually know, maybe even
(19:39):
too much about it.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Do you have things in there that we didn't agree
on as well?
Speaker 3 (19:44):
Yes, so let's talk about where you disagree it. And
there were questions like, keep in mind sometimes there's multiple options,
four options, so some questions you technically disagreed, but it's
barely a disagreement. So there are a couple of things
where you answer differently. We also asked what you value
most in a partner. You disagreed on this, but I
(20:07):
loved your responses. So Amy said, communication, TJ. You said trust.
What neither of you said was physical attraction and romance,
And while both of those are absolutely important, it really
showed me that you both were looking for that deep,
meaningful relationship with a really strong foundation. So I didn't
(20:29):
even want to consider that a disagreement.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
And I actually was going back and forth between trust
and communication. I didn't know how to put one above
the other.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
Yeah it's a hard one. Yeah, it's a hard one.
You also disagreed on discussing politics. Oh, yeah, that was
something you were not aligned on. You know, my parents
never talked about politics at the at the dinner table.
So it's a very different time. But almost twenty million
people on our app right now said they enjoy discussing politics,
and eight and ten people actually want to talk politics
(21:01):
with a romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Was the breakdown? I said no? When she said yes,
is that what I said?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
No? I said yes, Well, because you know what I've
always said this, maybe now a little bit less, but
when you are in the news business and you're talking
about politics at work, the last thing I want to
do when I'm not on the job or on the
clock is talk about politics. And not everybody is the same,
but it's just one of those things where I like
(21:25):
to do and talk about other things than things I
can't change that are beyond frustrating to me at a
certain point.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Maybe that's just being in the business for as long
as I have. But yeah, I don't like to take
my work home.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
See that makes sense to me because on the weekends
I'll have all my friends say, can you help me
with my hinge profile or my okay, keep it profile.
I'm like, oh, really tell me Monday through Friday eight
right eight am to five pm.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Exactly. It's my poor brother who's a doctor. He can't
go into a party without someone, you know, lifting up
their sleeve and showing him a rash and asking him
what it is. So I that's just where I stand.
You liked. We haven't talked about politics much. I think
we do, but we don't talk about it in the
way that oftentimes I think so many families do around
the dinner table. You're voted for that person, I voted
(22:08):
for this person. We are issue based conversations that we
have a lot of times. But no, I wouldn't dare like,
oh who'd you vote for? You vote for him? Oh
I would you do this promp, let's talk about Biden.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
We don't do that at all at all.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Another place where you guys disagreed, and I wonder what
you each think the other person said was is jealousy
healthy in a.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Relationship, So I said yes, I said hell no. So
I wouldn't like to.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Act on that jealousy or be petty or small. But
feeling that bit of jealousy makes me know that I
want to be with him and only him, and I
want him to be with me and only me, And
it just I don't know, it just I don't like
the feeling, and I don't want to act on it,
but knowing it's there actually in a weird way, makes
me feel good.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Two things, How do you act on jealousy?
Speaker 2 (23:00):
How would you ask by accusing somebody or saying don't
talk to that person?
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Or how dare you do this? Like? I don't think
that that's correct or right or healthy at all in
a relationship? Part too, Okay. The second thing goes back
to the question when the answer was trust. I don't
worry about it, think about it at all. It's a
trust matter with me. I don't need to get you
if you want to go do whatever you want to do.
If I see you out that window right there, talking
all flirty or whatever with anybody and like yourself out,
(23:26):
that's my woman. She's going on with me. Whatever I
see there whatever I trust that I have to, but
not to.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Speak for you. But I feel like you and I
Amy are really aligned on this question. I don't think
it's about trust for either of us. I think she
wholeheartedly trusts you.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
I do.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
But if I see my boyfriend and there's another guy
at the bar talking to him, I see red. That
does not mean they should not be talking. It does
not mean I think my boyfriend is going to cross
any line.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Yep. But there is that little piece.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
Of jealous I always I don't think I'm a jealous
person generally, but when you feel that little bit of twine,
it's like, ooh, like it just reminds you how you
feel about that person.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
I'm gonna I agree. I'm going to take your jealousy
out for a spin. If you're really going to stand
by that statement, Well, no, maybe it is a little
level of confidence or arrogance or even on my part
to where I look and I just it doesn't register
to me, and I guess I'm just not jealous in
that way.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Well, I hope that I would never act on it,
or that you would never see or feel or hear
anything from me.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Oh my god, You're always you're always flirty and doing
stuff and over there inside of the day which fall.
I don't know where you're stop, but there is trust there.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It doesn't mean you still can't feel that little good.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Well, I wish you could, so we require an okay,
keep it to people. Answer fifteen of these questions. Y'all
went on to answer much much more. You answer dozens
of them, and after looking at both, your response is
lie it up. Factoring in that you would also most
likely be looking for the same things in terms of
age and a partner and location and all that, we
(25:10):
scored you an eighty four percent. Oh wow, which is
really high. Everyone tries to aim for that one hundred percent.
I have never once I've been working with here five years.
I met thousands of couples. I've never met at a
couple that matched one hundred percent. And also, I don't
know if I would ever want that in a part.
You need a little bit of disagreement and misalignment, you know,
(25:32):
I think that keeps it fun and exciting. But where
you both aligned on was the really important core factors
in a relationship. It was clear from the beginning you
were aligned on family matters. You were aligned on what
you're looking for in a relationship. That's really what's most important.
And you're aligned on horror movies.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
And yeah, I did see some of the questions we
didn't get. I saw how important is religion to you?
I can't read my own writing because I don't have
my glasses on. Do you like scary movies? Could you
ever date someone really messy? We would agree on all
of those things, but I was just thinking about how
deep some of these questions do go. Yeah, why would
(26:12):
you want to answer more just to get a clearer
picture of who you might be dating?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (26:17):
Absolutely, Again, we see a lot of people actually go
on to answer more and more, and it's because the
more you answer, the more compatible your matches are going
to be. But I also think the way the questions
are written, it really challenges you as a person to say, oh,
I didn't think that would be important to me, but
it actually is. Or this used to be at the
(26:37):
top of my list, and now I don't know if
I even care about it anymore. Especially during the pandemic,
we saw a lot of people change what was important
to them because you can actually rank your questions. I do, okay,
keep it how important it is to you, that's cool.
When I first started in twenty nineteen, people all they
were answering questions about were holding hands on a date
and coffee for a first date, or if they want
(26:59):
to go to dinner or drinks. That has completely changed.
The most answered questions and the questions ranked most important
are do you support marriage equality? Do you support reproductive healthcare?
Do you think women have the right to choose what
they want to do with their own bodies? Do you
prioritize mental health? Are you open to therapy? People really
changed over the past few years what's most most important
(27:22):
to them? And I think our questions really help them
uncover their must haves and they're nice to haves.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
What would you can you overcome? You said must haves
and nice to have? But this idea of compatibility, what
did you say? A second no, you said compatibility and
something that was another way chemistry? Chemistry.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
Chemistry is fleeting, you know, I mean it can it
could just be attraction.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
But on those two things, when it as far as
you Ole's research and the questions go compatibility, we sometimes
it seems surface right. We like horror movies, that makes
us compatible. We like to cook it makes us compatible.
We enjoy a nice rose that makes us compatible. But
then when people see themselves not come patible in those ways,
they think, Okay, then that's a rap and I'm done.
(28:06):
But when they do have those things and they're so
compatible and have good chemistry, sometimes they forget about the
core those core questions. Can you overcome I'm always fascinated
by this. Can you overcome a lack of compatibility with
someone from your reason? Can you overcome that if you
(28:28):
do have the core value? Or is compatibility something that
always always needs to be there on things that seem small?
Speaker 3 (28:37):
I think you need to break down what you're talking
about in terms of comibi compatibility and what you're compatible on.
I don't care if my partner loves Harry Potter or
Taylor Swift or The Real Housewives as much as I do.
They need to stand my favorite ogs, but they don't
(28:57):
have to watch the shows as much as I do.
What I refuse to compromise on when it comes to
compatibility is how you feel about LGBTQ plus rights, black
Lives Matter, stop Asian hate, really, all these kind of
heavier things that we've been going through over the past
(29:18):
few years. And I think that's what Okay, keep it
does for you. But really, any every dating app does
this in some kind of way. It helps you figure
out as long as you're aligned on those deeper issues.
We see a lot of issues based dating. Right now,
then I think you can move on and figure out
how important the other things are and if compatibility there
(29:39):
really matters to you. My boyfriends never drink coffee. I
drink coffee daily. We're not compatible when you think of that,
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Right, Yeah, you don't like coffee. I do. We've survived
you like I just heard of it about three months ago.
That's true. Those are the things that make it interesting, right.
I heard a little while ago that there's this phrase
that a lot of folks use, even in the online
dating world.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Opposites attract and then they attack. Have you all found
that to be the case.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yes and no.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
My partner and I I would say many many ways
are opposites. There's parts of us. One's more extrovert, ones
more introvert. We've grown up differently, we're part of different religions,
we came out at different moments in our life. So
there's a lot that are definitely more opposite, but we
do again. We come together on those things that really
(30:34):
truly matter in a partnership. And I think over time,
definitely rocking in the beginning, harder in the beginning, for sure,
but over time we've started to balance each other out
and bring out the best in one another.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
What's the one thing you think a relationship has to
have in order for it to work that you all
have found in order for.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
It to last?
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Communication and transparent communication, because so many of us, I think,
and I've seen this in relationships over the years. People
hit a rough patch and they immediately think, oh, it's over,
like we absolutely have to break up. And my boyfriend
and I've been dating almost ten years this summer, and congratulations, yes,
(31:20):
thank you. We've met on Tinder and there's definitely been
rough patches over the years. There have been really hard
years and really hard moments in that decade. The reason
why we're still together is because we've communicated transparently. We've
had really tough conversations, lots of tears in those conversations,
and we've made it through the other side because in
(31:43):
those conversations we've been able to say, you know, these
are the things we're both struggling with but we want
to make it work, and here's how we're going to
make it work, and we'll come up with a process
that works for us. But if we weren't communicating, we
would have broken up years and years ago without a
second thought. So I would say communication is absolutely the
(32:04):
most important thing that's vital in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Next week, continue with Michael K, global head of communication
at okay Cubit with maybe some tips for you putting
that profile together. Stay here, back here with Michael K,
global head of communication for okay Cube, talking to you
about match percentages at okayqube. You gave us our percentage
(32:32):
a short time ago. You say we were eighty four percent.
I think match what is the average you will kind
of see on your site.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
It hovers in the seventies to nineties. That's really the
sweet spot. It's a big range, but it also depends
on where you're looking in the app as well. We
actually have a section of the app that's people we
recommend to you, and there you're going to see people
with the highest match percentage got so.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
We might not necessarily have been in each other's in box.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Eighty four percent definitely won okay, okay, okay, good, So
we're above average. That's what we're above average.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Okay, you know this is fascinating as my daughters are
now getting into the dating world. My oldest is twenty one,
my youngest is about to turn eighteen, and I keep
hearing this situationship thing thrown around. I saw that you're
seeing an increase or at least dating apps are seeing
an increase in ethical non monogamy e NM. I just
(33:31):
learned what that acronym was. But then I'm hearing situationship
at home. When people go onto these apps, are you
seeing generally the younger folks coming in not necessarily looking
for committed relationships or with some sort of destination in
mind with their relationship?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
You know, I think it really depends on the app
that you're looking at. That not every app caters to
the same demographic. For Okay, keep it. We make you
do a lot of work, admittedly to get your profile
up and running. That's actually by design. We want people
who are taking dating a little bit more seriously, which
is why we lean a lot heavier in millennials and
(34:09):
gen zers who are probably out of college.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Not my daughter's got.
Speaker 3 (34:13):
It, and you brought up ethical non monogamy and situationships.
I think there's probably a little bit of overlap between
the two, but they are separate, and I want to
distinguish between the two. Situationships tend to be between two
people who really hadn't haven't yet had that conversation about
(34:33):
what they are, where they're going. They're taking it a
little bit more slowly and aren't as in a rush
to say, you know, we're only dating each other, We're
a boyfriend girlfriend. They might still be dating around. Ethical
non monogamy is between two people who are committed and
(34:53):
have chosen in that commitment to open their relationships, and
we are seeing a ride in that. It's still the minority.
So when you look at most dating apps, the overwhelming
majority it's going to be people who are looking for
monogamous relationships. But you know, we have been seeing for
(35:14):
years arise in people interested in open relationships. I actually
don't think it's new. I think we are in a
time where people are more comfortable having these conversations more openly.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Okay, you gotta help me here. You said it's not new,
but it's just a new name or new thing to
call it. I mean I don't think it's really a
new trend. I just think we're talking about it more often.
I think if you asked your parents if they knew
anyone who had an open relationship, chances are they might
have known one or two couples. I know my parents,
who are baby boomers knew a couple like this, and
(35:49):
my aunt who's a gen xer, knows a couple of
couples like this. So I think we're just talking about it.
But do I not have the definition right ethical non monogamy?
We're just talking about open relationships. Yeah, okay, that's it.
The trade is throwing me off, okay, but now it's
being more widely accepted, or being.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
More accepted than it has been in the past perhaps
and not something to be ashamed of or to hide.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Yeah, I would say gens. One thing that gen Z
is just crushing it at is removing stigma for so
many things in our society, and gen Z are as
millennials definitely the most open to open relationships. But because
they're talking about it more, it's really relieving that stigma,
which is allowing more and more people to talk about
(36:32):
and say he actually, this is what I'm into and
that's okay, And you know there's many apps. Okay, if
you been included, that makes it really easy for you
to find other people who are looking for this as well.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Ethical non monogamy. I'm not into that, by the way. Yeah,
I'm just letting you know. Now I don't even know
what it is quite yet either, it's but yeah, there
are people who want and.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
And you know it's great for everyone else if that
floats your but I'm just letting you.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Know that it does not blow mine. And she has
multiple witnesses. Look something for us, and we'll tell you
the truth here, Michael.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
We have.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
Robes and I have been through a lot together, certainly
over the past year, year and a half plus, and
so much of that we've had moments throughout that time
that are very difficult to where we there's so much
on the line for us, and there has been and
for us to be together took so much and there
was so much sacrifice and you're going into this commitment,
and there have been moments we had a really probably
(37:34):
the closest we ever got to our relationship ending was
a disagreement of fight we had that was really based
on a fear and a lack of communication to where
we thought, wow, we went through all this, and we
went did all this, and maybe we're not compatible or
maybe we missed something. So we were freaking out a
(37:54):
little bit. To hear the results today. That is not
a joke. Well, you're talking about base our first fight, right, Uh,
it was early. It was one of the first two.
I would say.
Speaker 2 (38:05):
I think you know, also, we had had such we
always had fun together. We rarely ever had an issue
where we disagreed, and we are very like minded. So yeah,
when the first thing happens the first time, you think,
oh my god, I don't know this person. I thought
I knew this person. I don't know that person. So
I mean that can happen. But the score, I do
(38:27):
feel now better about it.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Ah, But like I just met Michael. Now, oh he
gave us a stambo approval. Now we're gonna be fine.
But it was one of those things and we were,
you know, to do it. We got it revealed for
the first time by you. We didn't know what was
going to come out of it. But it was as
much as we're having fun here and talking about it.
I think everybody deals in that they're looking at a
percentage score. Okay, I'm matched with ninety percent, so we
(38:49):
should be good to go. But it's not just an
exact science and it's not just there's so much involved here.
So for people who are listening and thinking just about
a score, I need to get some I lose seventy
to ninety percent, and if I don't, then that's no good.
Give those folks some perspective here. You kind of throughout
you have done so, but just want to remind people
(39:10):
of that it's not so black and white.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
I also think people need to remember that what we
watch in a rom com is not reality by any means.
And I there's something that my parents said years ago,
way before I ever met my boyfriend or came out
of the closet or anything that's stuck with me. And
again they're baby boomers, they have gone through a lot.
(39:32):
Again I mentioned they've been married over sixty years. But
they always said people are too quick to give up,
And that's always in the back of my head in
my own relationship. That doesn't mean that you should stay
with the wrong person. Get out if it does not
make sense for you. And I think in your gut
(39:53):
you're going to know when it doesn't make sense, but
one bad fight, one bad week, does not make a
bad year or a bad relationship. And I think as
long as you're having that conversation in a very respectful way,
you can power through those bumps. For me, it's about
finding that person that you want to weather the storm with.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
I think most people know we have four divorces between us,
and I had two thirteen year marriages, so it wasn't
like cutting and running or anything, and a lot of
lessons learned along the way. But this is one of
those things where, unfortunately, sometimes you learn the hard way
what works and what doesn't. And just I'm curious, does
(40:38):
Okay Cupid follow any of these couples that you put
together and find out who makes it and who doesn't?
I mean, have you all done research and given thought
to that In terms of when people are looking for
that right person and say they have a really high
compatibility or a match percentage, What is it about couples
that makes them stay together or makes them eventually break up?
Speaker 1 (41:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (41:01):
I don't have an exact answer for this. What I
can say part of my job is managing our social
media and with that I have the really privilege of
reading a ton of dms that come in every single
day from people who have used okay Cupid. And because
it's a DM, it's private, they're extremely vulnerable. There's a
(41:22):
ton of them that share their wedding photos, their engagement photos,
their first children, all those success stories. And that's great.
And I actually keep a lot of people send us
wedding invitations. I keep those on my desk every day
to remind me why I do what I do. But
what I really love hearing about is the people who
may have met someone on okay Cupid and not wound
(41:45):
up with them forever, and they will unpack that for
me and tell me about that experience. And I think
we often when a relationship ends, we classify that as
a failure. We failed, it did not work. That is
not a failure, just moving on to the next chapter.
So I actually love hearing those stories of someone who says, I,
(42:06):
you know, I've met people who said I love Okay
keep it, but they're single. And people are like, why,
how do you love a dating app when you're when
you're single, They're like, well, I had several really great
partners that I met on that app and it worked
for me. Might not have worked forever, but it worked
for me at some point.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
Can you tell folks and the advice to not because
you've even when I was filling out the questions, I
don't know if you did this, but you almost look
at it and you're saying, well, I should say this
or should I say this? Right, I guess you would
definitely say you need to be vulnerable, authentic, and yourself
certainly off the bed and not try to manipulate the
(42:42):
answers to try to find a certain type of person.
Speaker 3 (42:45):
That is the worst thing you can do is not
be yourself. And to your point, there's definitely people who
start out. I think the more questions you answer, you
kind of forget that you're you stop doing this because
you become less mindful of it. I think in the beginning,
people answer the way they think other people want, and
then as they continue, they just forget about it and
(43:05):
they're just becoming more and more and more honest. But
what we see happen if you are putting out a
version of yourself that you think other people are looking for,
you're only going to attract people who are looking for
that version that might not be you. So I tell
people all the time. If you don't want to be married,
that's great, say that on your dating app profile. If
(43:27):
you do not want children, there's nothing wrong with it.
I'm this is controversial. I'm not a pet person. I
don't think you guys either.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
You don't say and I have a dog.
Speaker 2 (43:37):
Yeah, and I loved him, but I wouldn't consider myself
a pet person.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
Yeah, it's not my jam. But I you know, you
walk house. I mean, he's adorable. I hope he's not
listening to I know that would be awful if you
heard what I just said. Do you feel like feeling
to his point when you were feeling it out? Because
we were sitting across a table from each other, figling
it out, and then I hear her crack up laughing
as she years me make a comment. Did you find
(44:04):
yourself saying like, what would he say?
Speaker 3 (44:07):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (44:07):
Yes, for sure. Yes.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I think that's a human experience to want to put
your best foot forward. But if you actually just admit
who you are, it's going to be better in the
end because they're gonna find out absolutely.
Speaker 3 (44:17):
And I think putting your best foot forward is still
showing who you are. There's nothing wrong with what you're
interested in or what you're looking for, But you have
to be honest about it because otherwise you're going to
waste your time and you're gonna waste the other person's
time if you are just not looking for the same things.
Speaker 1 (44:33):
Same with the photos.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
You know, I know there's a lot of filters out there,
but what would you suggest?
Speaker 3 (44:38):
No filters, no group photos. If you're going to do
group photos, save it for the end of your like
little scroll of photos, and ditch the selfies. I love
a selfie. It took like three on the way here today.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Oh so did I. However, I don't need to see
that on your dating app profile.
Speaker 3 (44:57):
Use I. You know, when you put any thing on
your profile, whether it's photos or something you're writing in,
I always like to think, what's the purpose that this
is serving? Is it serving as a conversation starter? Is
it showing someone what I'm interested in? So if I
were to create a dating app profile today, I would
(45:17):
post a photo of the first half marathon I ran,
me at Taylor Swift's aerostour, me at the Harry Potter
World in London, because what those photos are going to
do is one it's going to tell people my hobbies
and what I'm interested in. It also gives them something
to say to me, because hey, hi, hello. Actually have
the highest rate of being ignored on dating apps. But
(45:40):
by those three photos alone, someone can say what era
are you in? Or which was your favorite book or movie?
Or are you training for the New York City Marathon?
And you immediately jump into this conversation that's grounded in
something you're already comfortable speaking about.
Speaker 1 (45:58):
What would your pictures be?
Speaker 2 (45:59):
I knew you were announced me that for sure, the
New York City Marathon because that's a huge part of
my life. I know you said no group photos, but
I would definitely want my daughters, just for people to
know that I'm a mother, because that's a huge part
of who I am. And maybe me eating popcorn, watching
a horror movie.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
Wow, I don't know, climbing a mountain, hiking that would
have turned you off immediately.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
All of yours probably would have turned me off. I
don't know what we would imagine yours, Oh that's easy.
Me be cooking, me standing next to a razorback of
some kind probably and maybe running at this point.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
Oh yeah, Georgia football would probably be a part.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Of it, maybe with a drink in hand, making mixing
a drink. Yeah, we've definitely connected over college football too.
That was another common thread we had. Michael. This has
been great. Thank you for giving our relationship the stamp
of approval. We've been looking for that palidation for a long.
Speaker 2 (47:01):
Time and Michael Kay just gave it to us and
hopefully some some things to think about as you all
continue your journey and looking for that special someone.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yeah, stay at it, folks. It's okay. And like you said,
I think that was great advice. It's okay. You're not
a failure because of relationship ends. You're moving on to
the next thing or maybe that was where you were
supposed to be at that point in your life and
you need somebody to take you through the next the
next phase of your life. So that was a great, great,
great advice. So it's a pleasure having you. Hope we
can have you back and you're here and here in
town with us, right in New York.
Speaker 3 (47:32):
Yeah absolutely, I will. I will venture more downtown for both.
Speaker 2 (47:35):
Of you, honest, all right, and after dry January preferably, I'm.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
Doing dry January as well.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Oh you are, Oh.
Speaker 2 (47:40):
Gosh, Okay, I feel so much better now, and.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
I actually will say I did dry August and I
carried into September. I wasn't in a rush. Wow, I'm
get interested to see how February first goes for you.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
Well, February sixth is my birthday, so I will most
certainly have some have some drinks in my hands.
Speaker 1 (47:59):
So problem Michael, really, thank you so much, and folks,
thank you all as well. I hope you got something
out of this conversation today besides just a little fun.
So our takeaway here is, by all means, enjoy your
dry January, happy dating. Go see American Fiction. What else
does it takeaway?
Speaker 2 (48:19):
And for every relationship there is a reason, a season,
or lifetime, and it's okay if they fall into any
of those three categories.
Speaker 1 (48:26):
All right, folks, Well Amy and TJ. Here You can
follow the show at on Instagram at Amy and TJ Podcast.
You can follow both of us on Instagram as well,
But for now, this is Amy and TJ, the eighty
four percent couple. Drop the mic
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